/dep/ - Depression

Cut your carotid artery open with a new box cutter or ceramic kitchen knife. Cut deeply and hard. Do it in a location where no one will find you for a while. Find your pulse first so you know where to cut. It should be by your jaw, under your earlobe.

prove it

>>205756
>Benzos opiates and booze all at the same time is just asking to OD
I am aware of that, I used to throw in weed and edible weed too. Actually ODed some couple of times, landed in ER. Third world hospital. I remember my second OD/suicide attempt I just passed out while waiting to get called. I'd do heroin if I could but it is non-existant here; and I am not going back to being a coke fiend. I don't mind dying.

>booze
I am drinking hard liquor straight, not beer, I am not a pussy.

>Also most street xanax isn't real alprazolam.
I take genuine Clonazepam bought from a real pharmacy with a prescription becauee I am technically dependent on benzos and I am tappering off slowly. Tried to quit cold turkey and had a seizure. Cheap as fuck, 8 bucks for 30 pills of 2mg where I live. And my shrink is state-sponsored because I am part of the system, but I refuse to be "institunalized" like every shrink I talk to suggests. My shrink is very honest wizard
in his 50s, he tells me he hates his career and speciality (addiction psychiatrist). He's kind and cruel to me at the same time. He dumps my appointments 50% of the time. Fucker knows I react self-destructively to perceived rejection.

I might be a hopeless loser but I bite and fight back. I take pride in wizardry. Wizards are strong, believe it or not. Every wizard should feel proud about himself, despite flaws.

I am half drunk ranting in a language that is not even my mother tongue.

>>205742

stop shoplifting. Buy whatever you need at the dollar store or thrift store. if you get busted you will lose job and freedom.

question for op and fellow wiz kids
how do you guys get your drugs like benzo and painkillers?
not a pig or undercover, weed can only do so much for me.. i need hard drugs to numb the pain :(

>>205758
Just going to take a shot in the dark here. Are you Brazilian?

>>205797
No but you got the continent.

OP here again. I regret my decision, shit happened and I have en bloc amnesia becauee of stupid those of clonazepam.

I'll just keep on playing vidya and writing, it's not worth it going back to using.

>>205801
Not encouraging others to feel hopeless, trapped and doomed counts as "wizchan 2019" now?

I don't think it would be possible for me even to lie and say I had a job before, I am literally ghost pale, scrawny, look like a kid, and I have no idea how jobs work, I tried lying at a job interview I got once and I got some questions that I had no idea how to answer and then the guy kept correcting me about stuff that I had no clue about so it was obvious I never had a job in my life

>>205806
if you keep lying eventually you'll learn all the right answers and cheese your way through an interview somewhere

>>205810
I don't even want to try again it was embarrassing and I could feel my face turning bright red as I tried to think up ambiguous answers to stuff I clearly never heard of in my life

you can try cutting off your limbs to reduce your body language

Body language is mostly unconscious. You're not giving out "fake signs", you're giving off signs that you are not a threat by avoiding eye contact, lowering your head, making yourself small etc in order to avoid danger. It's pretty much something you learn if you grow in an abusive environment or with bullies. It could also be a reflection of how you see yourself, with little confidence in your abilities, you might feel naturally vulnerable around others.

The first step to fixing it is becoming aware of it, as well as the accompanied emotional reality. Considering you're completely surprised by it, you might be dissociating from the feelings, but beneath that fog lies an emotional reality creating that body language. You can try practicing different body language but this isn't just a habit, it's something that serves a genuine purpose to you so you will feel resistance at losing it. Despite the conscious trouble it brings you, it's still vitally important for you because it protects you and keeps you safe.

>>205025
why hurting yourself, just poke the eyes of a person you're talking to, so no one sees your wizard moves

>>205028
It doesn't come quick. It takes like a year or two to really internalize improvements to body language to the point where it becomes natural and you don't have to always think about it. Certain habits come pretty quick, but body language takes time.

buump

I really hate interacting with people.

It gets worse when you have problems pronouncing simple words correctly.

I've grown to realise that there's really nothing I can say to make other people feel better, or to contribute to a pointless conversation. So I will become mute to everyone that has no business with me. If they really want to know what I think about something, they'll wait for me to write it down after I've thought about it. But otherwise, I think most people will leave me alone.

>>202263
literal botw NPC stuff

99% of the time, I simply find myself saying
>Oh?
>Uh huh
>Yeah, wow
>Ah, okay
>No
>I see

What >>202271 says about normies wanting to talk at people is true. Especially the untreated personality disorder boomer types. They never really pick up that I am just phoning in my responses. Sometimes I play pretend in my head a lot and I do it during conversations even.

>>205549
I avoided all the presentations/groupwork with careful choice of mathematical/compsci topics, so i didnt find it to be too bad. I think if I didnt do it I would feel frustrated at not understanding things like general relativity

In theory it should be easy for me to get a job since I studied some things that are in demand like AI and programming, but I have never applied for any jobs, so who knows

I am trying to work toward having a comfy remote programming job, I think it may happen eventually but it is still far away even after a masters

>>205438
I think anhedonia (from depression or another mental disorder) plays a central role in why some wizards choose to live like this, I mean not just being NEET but not using their free time to pursue any particular hobbies or personal interests with any level of sincerity.
When nothing you do gives you any sense of satisfaction, accomplishment or even happiness, it only makes sense to fill your time with the lowest-effort activities, since it's better to expend minimal effort to feel nothing than to expend a lot of effort to feel the same nothing.

I know exactly what I did with all my time on Earth. I spent the last decade lying in bed browsing chans (forums in the earlier years) and watching pointless videos. This would be regarded as a big pile of wasted time by most normans I think, but to me it's only wasted if I could imagine anything I should have done instead and I honestly cannot. I tried many times to engage myself with life and I just don't feel any desire to do so.

>>205438
well since you have been doing nothing this whole time youve probably doing lots of thinking and you and i have learned priceless lessons that we take for granted. its so easy to forget how stupid people are. basic concepts like, not shutting down when you hear a different opinion, ideas over identities, maintaining high quality discussion. all these things would take a normalfag years to learn, though they can mask theyre severe lack of capibility of intelligent thought most of the time. like just imagine how many times you actually have to use your brain in a day, its zero. you can go through a day and just do what youve been taught to do through repetition, like an animal. you can live life on autopilot but you have gone beyond that and ascended into a higher reality. at least i hope so…

all my formative years were stolen by kiddie prison (school), and that stunted all the years to follow, now I'm almost dead and never got to do anything

>>205475
>>205551
>>205763
These

I wouldn't recommend you posting or even lurking here to be honest, nor would I recommend it to anyone new at this point. Most people here have a very fucked up system of values, where they've turned things like sloth, gluttony, and hate into virtues and moderation, self-sufficiency, and productivity into vices. And they'll drag you down with them using their "true wizard" identity bullshit.

If you've been suffering for depression for 10+ years, tried everything, and are just done with life, yeah maybe post here. Because that's what this place should be, a final destination for people who are just irrecoverably fucked. But if you're 19 you have plenty of time to get better and there are better sources of help than imageboards. You're unlikely to find valuable help on any of them honestly, let alone here. Unfortunately a lot of younger people have taken this "wizard" identity and made it something to strive for.

Not saying celibacy is bad either, but even if you're celibate there are plenty of other communities you could find that are far better than this place, while still being free from talk of sex and romance. Even outside of /dep/ the discussions here are shit, I think most of the activity here the past week has come from the politics thread and threads where people are basically just discussing how much better this site is than other places. Every hobby board is too slow to be worth posting in, unless you just want to write monologues to yourself about media you've enjoyed, and they're inferior to other sites' alternatives.

I write all this is as someone who's been browsing this place for several years.

>>205653
>I don't know why it's against the rules to talk about relationships
Because the people here can't get any friends or girlfriends and are too proud to admit they need them

>>205645
>Someone online suggested that Wizard Chan might be the place for me.
It is not.

>>205653
Because it's meant to be a space for people where relationships and friendships are not part of their lives. They want to talk to people without it derailing in to discussion of friends and relationships, which it does in norman communities. "friends" can mean anything and much of it people here don't relate to. A lot of younger people here spend hours every night voice chatting with friends on discord which is completely alien to many of us. This site is meant to stay on topic to individuals who live an individual life. People with friendships are asked not to discuss them which shouldn't be hard unless it makes up a big part of their life. Posts about wanting them and yearning for them are similar in that it pollutes the space for people who are resigned to living alone or believe it's a positive path. Also friends become a synonym for girlfriend for rule breakers. I dispassionately agree that friends can be good and beneficial but I've never found any in my life, I can agree a community can be good for a wizards health if he finds one - but this is a space for those who haven't. The social posters here are largely part of chan culture communities focused on norman hierarchies as well. I consider it a good thing for all of us to omit to remove the grey area for normans. Admin relaxed the rules on friendships slightly anyway but I think the intention is still there. I've had two non-close friends for 15 years and I don't mention them often because I believe it's not what the site is for.

It seems I was wrong in coming here. I’ll move on to somewhere more appropriate. I just didn’t know much (really anything) about this and similar communities (I still don’t understand many of the values, beliefs, and terms). While I don’t think solitude it the path for me I respect your choices and beliefs and I wish everyone here happiness however it may come.

Probably. I have a little sister who really looks up to me. A few years ago I bought a keyboard but never learned to play because of a severe lack of motivation to learn anything at all. So when I moved out I gave it to her.
When I visited last week she had taught herself a song to play for me, which she did indeed play, slowly but with no mistakes. I think about killing myself every idle moment of every day but when I think of her there's no way I can pull the trigger. Sometimes I think about disappearing as a sort of diet suicide but the result is the same I guess. I'm stuck here.

Finding the body or seeing it would be traumatizing. It's a sudden absence of someone they're close to at least in some sense, if you feel like there's no connection. That can lead others to do the same, possibly making it traumatizing for the other people as well. Not to mention the financial aspect, a lot of people in developed countries can't even afford a funeral so either they'll go into debt to make one happen or they will probably never feel closure from not having one.

>>199222
people die; you get used to very quickly.
the world keeps on going w/o them.
the creation does not notice their absence and never will.
if you die here and now it means 0 to 7 billion + hairless apes who deceive themselves with a pretense of their importance.
live or die, it makes no difference.

>>205711

This seems like you coming to terms with the concept of nihilism for the first time, and less about whether it devastates the family or not.

OP. People will treat the family differently. Even if they get over it, will everyone else? You know how people are.

>>205712
i have had many years; and many teachers (who had no more clue(s) to reality than a crackhead chitwawa with a 10 rock a day habit and defective long term memory.)
ALL RELIGIONS ARE LIES/FAIRYTALES DELIBERATE DECEPTION.
you are just as well off worshipping a cockroach.
i have been a nihilist from my earliest days.

>>205588
I live in america and when I told a therapist that I was suicidal they involuntarily locked me in a mental hospital for 2 days, maybe you just live in a shithole.

>>205588

They don't try and stop you or basically anyone else because the Jews and their useful idiot leftist allies literally want more mass shootings so as to justify their gun grabbing agenda.

If we had sane, moral leaders you and every other admitted wannabe shooter would be safely tucked away in fully staffed insane asylums until whatever point may arise that you were deemed safe to enter society again.

sloppy job mossad

>>205636
This. Just blow up a bus

>>205631
in america don't they actually get money for locking you up? That probably makes a big difference. Saving effort in NZ by throwing you out vs making money by locking you up in USA

I can 100% promise you nobody will care until they randomly ask about it after knowing you for like a year. I've been in your situation. I got several scars. Things just happen, people understand that. Everyone gets hurt occasionally. As long as you didn't get acid attacked you're fine.

Just forget it's even there.

>>204096
i do this too but way more fucking extreme and im scared when people touch my hand. i do the normal finger destroying habits like just picking at the sides of the tips and destroying nails. i also play guitar so the strings wear down my fingers a bit but its microscopic compared to the other stuff

it all started when one time i was showering and i noticed a white spot of dead skin on the underside of my thumb joint so i picked at it and after a while it became hardened, and then it happened to the joint connecting my thumb to my hand, and then the other hand same thing. that part is easy to hide because i can just scrunch up my fingers and no one will see but i will explain later why that doesnt work. probably the worst thing about my hands are the big lumps of white hardened skin on top of my thumb joints. they are really, really, noticeable and people have pointed it out to me asking if it was cancer or something but i have to convince them its just hardened skin. the lumps kind of feel like plastic because of how smooth they are. the lumps are so big at this point that it looks like the bone is poking out of my thumb and making it look lopsided. these areas are tormented so much that i can just peel what i assume to be the entire epidermis off like a blanket and then the red part below that will hurt for a while

i usually use nailclippers to take the skin off now because theyre so much more efficient and i can get a deeper cut with them. the nailclippers really just make it a lot weirder to the touch because you can feel the grooves where it went in and the skin doesnt grow back too well in between the grooves. i use the nailclippers on my fingertips and they are smooth like the lumps on my thumb. i have been working on the faces of my fingers and i probably wont have fingerprints soon. i dont like getting in pools or going to the beach either because ive done the same thing to my feet. there are massive patches of hardened white skin on different points on my foot.

my fingers can bend backwards up to 90 degrees and that has led to the skin around my fingers being completely destroyed/hardened by stretching from frequent knuckle cracking. one of my thumbs can bend backwards which is the thing that prevents me from being able to hide the hardened underside skin on my thumb because if i try to my thumb will spaz out and go intPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

>>204659
I hope you're not the same person who posted this thread…

>>204659
I relate to this. I have all sorts of skin-related rituals and ticks. I used to pick at my fingers and feet constantly like you describe. I used nail clippers as well and have scars. I spend hours on compulsions like this and have all sorts of strange scars.

In fact right before reading this I spent an hour scrubbing skin off my back to expose the fresh layer beneath. Once I started I couldn't stop.

>>204096
>>204659
I picked and tore at my cuticles and nail folds practically all the time for years and years, practically from when I was little, all through school and uni. I would pick at the cuticles until I tore into the skin and it started bleeding, then tear at the edge of skin so that it would come off in strings, sometimes as far back as the knuckle. There would be blood running down my fingers and I would use the corner of a piece of paper or book to dig under the nail fold and into the freshly torn skin. I did use nail clippers as well, when I had those around I would use the curved end of the nail file to dig out the cuticle, and then the actual clippers to cut off bits of skin, or to hold on to a piece of skin and then peel it back. Then I would suck on the blood. I couldn't even stop doing it.

Anyway, at some point I started taking some vitamins and eating slightly better, and my skin healed and the entire urge mostly just went away. Sometimes I catch myself "feeling up" my thumb with my other fingers, and if there was a bit of dried skin I would probably pick at it, but there isn't so I don't. It still comes back when I let myself go, the last time I stayed with my parents I caught myself doing it after about a week. Not sure if it's the shitty food my mother serves or just the stress of being around them.

I don't remember doing it to my feet and for some reason I always avoided my fingertips. I have no idea if that would help anyone and I'm not telling anyone to do anything (maybe you already eat well, I have no idea), but that's just my experience with doing it and then not doing it without really trying to stop.