/dep/ - Depression★

I'm older than people who have kids who're already graduating from high school. I know it shouldn't bother me, but I can't help it. I feel like my life hasn't progress at all. I already have grey hairs on my beard and I don't feel my age at all. life as a wizard is like living in a perpetual limbo where nothing ever happens until you grow old and die.
I know many young wizards will call me a failed normie for saying this, but it's only until you reach a certain age that the loneliness of the wiz life starts to creep in and you begin to wonder where did all go wrong.

I regret not enjoying my youth more,when i was 14-16 if i think back i could have had so much fun, instead i had to be a fucking depressed loser even Back then and just barley coped as to not end myself.
But at least i didnt have to worry about money/Rent but i just wasted away my youth and did nothing and now its way too late at 27. I should have enjoyed that time and just not worry,gotten high everyday drop out of school and do what i actually enjoy ,Go out blah blah so on and so on
I Wish i Had a time machine

I'm going broke, and I really don't know how to deal with this fact. I went to 4 doctors to treat it, but none of them worked, and no matter how many medications I took, I was never able to overcome this problem. But these only caused me terrible side effects, such as fatigue, weight gain, apathy, a lot of disinterest in everything, and alopecia, but they were never able to attack the impulses. Violence never stops.
Sometimes I blame my family for raising me in such a violent environment, but then I think it's better to bury the past and look forward. But sometimes it is difficult, since it is not about the violence of 10 or 15 years ago, it is about things sometimes from less than a week ago.

I feel like an alcoholic, where instead of keeping a place free of that poison, it is offered to me in all shapes, sizes, colors and flavors.

I do nothing besides doomscrolling, going outside for a while and maybe read for an hour a day (if i can find a book that interests me) or watch an episode of some anime but the rest of the day is spent doomscrolling on my computer, I am too insomniac and have bladder issues to spend half or most my days sleeping to pass my days with sleep like many NEETs can do with ease, there is just no way for me to get out of this cycle, at least not on my own, I need money and connections, most importantly MONEY.

How will my life change if I miraculously get a job as a dishwasher or idk burger flipper? Is it really a path forward, trading your soul and most of your day for minimum wage? I suppose I could buy a new PC this way after a while, but just living like that because you have no choice? Rope sounds better

Im 27 years old , i dont know anything , i graduated faculty of arts in 8 years failing once every year because i didnt study enough , i live in a place where there's compulsory recruitment and didnt apply because i am on antidepressants and don't want to waste a year of my life which is not very important but this city does not care if you die , normal citizens are not of much importance here anyway , i tried checking fiverr & freelancer because i didnt have an idea what to do if i want to work from home , it doesn't seem to be very promising , it felt impossible to get a place among all these beasts conquering every damn field in the category , i barely know anything about the world and autistic and i think im stupid too , but if i try to surpass my stupidity , what to learn to be able to work remotely and not eat shit for the rest of my life?
Im on the verge of complete mental breakdown , i need help.

Are you a believer in a higher being and hate humanity?
I'm not assign nor believe in any belief or after life but I do believe in eugenics, Antinatalism, assisted suicide, the death penalty, abortion,and overall restricting human rights.
I met, heard so many lonely, depressed individuals who believe in a god yet have a heavy disdain for certain section of humanity be it racial or the opposite sex.
Is it because they trust a being that not human but higher? Yet that same being created the object they detest?
I don't have that dilemma since I don't adhere to any religious beliefs.
Do any of you do? If not do you believe being a misanthrope is silly or based?

Last time I mentioned that I have 2 weeks to kms someone asked if I have a test or something in school. Let me tell you something interesting. I won't talk about my life story but I will enlighten you how bad life can get and what real suicide out of necessity means.
I will tell you only the immediate reasons of my forced suicide:
1. Sick with infinite diseases and often in such pain that I want to stab myself or jump out the window. Can't eat walk make money or function for years due to this. Feel like I can die at any moment. I've been shitting black last few days which means internal bleeding.
2. I am broke and in infinite debt cause I chose to pursue treatment instead of paying taxes. I also lied to get money loaned to me because I needed it for drugs so I don't end up lobotomized. Its only a matter of time until they put me in prison.
3. I have a benzo addiction, if I don't take at least 10mg Xanax daily and skip one day I will have a grand mal seizure which will kill me or leave me with brain damage.
4. Stuck forever without a room or meter of space my whole life due to mentally retarded family.
…etc I probably forgot half but by now you should know the drill. Life took almost everything from me and I didn't do anything for a long time so I wouldn't call this living anyway. Only thing I have left is freedom of choice to die now or lose it and suffer a thousand times more and die later. I will die at age of 28 in 2024 via train guillotine or fail and become a vegetable. I have only one try and time is not on my side.

The only ,or main, reason I totally suppressed my own ideation of erasing my own life, was not violating religious precepts..Also regarding morality, I genuinely dislike violence (im unable to deliberately kill an ant, for example, I make an effort to avoid stepping on them) ,but there are *so many* complex Ethical issues, with real impact on my life, which without religion, I have to start from scratch (deciding whether theyre good, or evil)
I want to be a Med student in a couple of years, so–medical profession, lots of ethical issues I need to think for myself, without Religious teaching. euthanasia, stem cell research, contraception, IVF, Surrogate pregnancy without medical need (just voluntary commercial agreement), etc.
What to do? I have a psychiatrist, but haven't talked with him in like 4 months. im 29.

Do you feel like there is nothing to do online anymore?

Maybe the I'm viewing the past with rose tinted goggles now that I'm turning 30 soon, but I believe the internet as a whole has lost it's charm.
Back in my (relative) youth I could explore it endlessly find whatever to pass the time with.
It was a perfect escape from the real world, whether forums or online games at the time I could always find myself a group of people who shared some of my interests and interact with them.
It felt like I always was a part of a community, the web felt very tribal in a sense.
Now it all feels empty and hostile. It's almost the same experience as moving from a rural village to a big city just in the digital world.

It's all commercial, brands instead of people, everyone is hostile by default unless they try to sell you on something, nobody is there to have fun anymore. Nothing is authentic anymore.
Games are hyper-competitive.
Communities are fast and loose.
Maybe I'm just jaded, maybe I just don't have any real interest anymore, maybe I'm seeing the world in monochrome, but is that really true?

It feels like every corner of the internet has been shit on by a billion randoms constantly chiming in. Jumping into a space just to take a dump for a quick laugh resulting in very little long term traction for these spaces. Compared to old forums anyways.
People aren't invested in anything anymore, things are more permanent on this slow imageboard than they are on mainstream spaces.
Going back to the village analogy, it's like in a city, where you don't even know the next door neighbor in your concrete hives, so why not shit up the place?

Not sure if it's the age, brainrot, depression or anhedonia, but I just can't will myself to care about anything anymore. The only thing left to do on the internet for me seems to be chasing nostalgia. Other than that all that is available is an endless flood of slop that I can scroll while listening to some multi-hour video essay about some other slop.

Video games that used to be my primary way of passing time feel like such a chore nowadays. You get one, launch it, have to learn a couple dozen mechanics, random lingo for the same crap with dozens of numbers you can tune that often end up pointless or gimp you. Then a forced 1-2 hour handhold session with tutorials and cutscenes…
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