/dep/ - Depression

Three days ago was my birthday. I realized it when my mom hugged me and said, “HB, honey!” After that, I started thinking more — and I ended up cursing my own existence.

It feels impossible for me to live the life I wanted. I can’t isolate myself to read books or study music, math, and philosophy. I don’t even know if I would call that life a dream — maybe it is one. It feels so fucking annoying and utopian when I stop everything to think about it.

I think I’ll die in some stupid loneliness I once believed in. I stopped cutting myself, but I no longer take my meds for depression, schizoid personality disorder, and misanthropy.

Like another anon said, “We’re not born to be happy.” If that’s true, maybe all I can do is sit down and watch my whole life turn to dust in the wind.

Fuck.

>>305228
You just need dopamine. Take amisul pride at 200mg or less. Future is pointless. Dopamine makes present moment good. When present moment is good future doesn’t matter

no, not anymore. my final cope that carried me over the years was this notion that i could just change myself, figure out how i actually tick and reverse engineer myself into a normal human being. it never really worked out, but there was always this hope that i could stumble on it one day and make everything make sense, like a persistent puzzle. what broke me was realizing that i never had a chance in the first place, that biologically i was predetermined to end up where i am, regardless of my personality or psychology. there was nothing to change, i AM my body and circumstances, my mind is just a mirroring of that. there was no other way i could've turned out. people treat you based on what they see, how you make them feel, and i consistently brought out indifference or revulsion in others. as i grew into my final genetic form, people started openly being hostile to me in public and i was mocked before i could open my mouth. this fantasy that i could just change my feelings and fix everything no longer fit my lived experience. the world was inherently against me and there was nothing realistically i could do to change it. there was also nothing worth living for, as idealistic notions of "love" and "friendship" increasingly seemed to me like banal biological processes, people like you because you help them release the feel good chemicals. the most evil criminals had tons of friends and lovers because they had the right body shape, despite being scum that never had a metacognitive thought in their life, they enjoyed life, people went out of their way to help them because "there was something to them".

i'm all out of copes and suicide really seems to me like the only meaningful choice i could make. either suffer and endure for another 30-40 years until my disgusting body gives out, or i end it when it makes sense to end it. the world is evil and i cannot adapt to it because i'm weak. why shouldn't i just give up and roll the dice again?

>>306871
You hit the nail on its' head. We are predeterministic animals just like all other mammals or apes in nature.

Would you tell a deformed or weak ape if they just work enough on their personality they will get lots of females and sit in hot springs all day instead of the apes who happened to be born with good genetics?

No.

Would you tell a lion born with down syndrome he is going to overthrow the strongest lion in his territory if he is just determined enough?

We need to stop this self-improvement bullshit right here. The vast, vast majority of neurodivergent wizards will never mask to the point normies will accept it.

>>306883
>Dignity Act
Dignity for who exactly?

I had awful parents, they "complained" about everything and when I gave in and tried to adapt myself to them they would complain more, gaslight, change their story etc. Eventually I realised their goal was simply to torment and I broke off all contact. You might consider they are'nt being serious and just want to bully you, I've also heard of other people having similar parents to often calling them narcissists.

>>306621
thats the truth, there's always a new dragon to chase. I was NEET after highschool. got nagged into studying which gave me 1 week of peace, then nagged to finding a job which i couldn't even find for over a year which was horrible times. anyway once i get a job its again peace for another week. then it's when am i doing more hours and/or getting promoted.

Majorly insane I hate it so much. I've since anchored myself down in my routine of over 10 years now. I work 4 days, dont go out, dont do a lot of things and the nagging has finally stoped aside from once every 6 months about how i should really try get married LOL.

stupid parents should have had 3 or 4 kids. you can't play 1 game of poker and get mad you didn't win, play a few more then call it a night/life if it all failed.

>>306811
I feel like some parents don't view you as your own person, more like a toy or a doll they own. Some people also simply live to torment others. If I had known my life had turned out this way, I rather wished I had never come into existence in the first place.

>>306849
You're definitely subject to deception and not being given the whole story as a spirit convinced to incarnate here in the first place. This shitty realm just needs to be quarantined, a big sign put by the entry point, because only hell-spawn and the extremely lucky can enjoy it here long-term.
My parents are retarded normalcattle with very high functional IQ, unable to understand their comfortable lives were a product of a very specific time and conditions, and too retarded to do anything but try and corral me into being and thinking like them. I was developing stress way back in middle school, thinking about the pointlessness of wageslaving, and they just berated me, like, 'fuck you little philosopher guy, how dare you question the world I forced you into' – people like this will always deny realities they don't like, instead of using it as a basis for preventing more problems in the future. Then they're surprised things get worse when the foundations for anything are based on wishful thinking and delusions.
This life is hard enough as it is, we shouldn't have had to be given the shitty "guidance" of such people from a young age, inevitably floundering in early adulthood, then just becoming old and experiencing aging without even having a real adulthood first.

>>306878
I'm sorry you had to live through that parenting. I totally understand. Not a single day of kind words from my parents throughout the entirety of high school for me. Just endless hostility and confrontation. Feel like my entire youth was stolen by these pieces of shit.

>>306786
Okay, I'm sold. Can you tell me more about how you ysed CBT to your benefit?
I tried it myself with a workbook, even posted about it here, but it wasn't all that much successful for me since I hit roadblocks even starting with BA.
I like the concept of BA and here where the cognitive part rears its head.
Basically,
>I should take a shower for mastery points
>Wait, why should I take a shower, I'm disgusting one way or another
Basically, my rumination prevents me from starting acting. I don't know what to do first: behavioural or cognitive changes.
That's where a therapist should be helpful, but as I've mentioned…
>If that's what therapy is in USA then no fucking wonder shit's gone to shit.
That's what it basically is in my country, but I'm not from the US. It's a bunch of succubi having a mid life crisis and jumping into therapy to earn a quick buck. Most of them just complete a basic course on some BS and just provide the venting type of therapy. I know because I tried eight times, from trainees to supposedly the best there is. Ironically, only that green trainee yielded some results, and yes, we did CBT. But I don't want to contact her again for various reasons.
>If the practice of psychological intervention, lifestyle management, *unfucking fucked up perspectives* is held in contempt and billed as a pacifier, then sure - fuck that. That's not what i'm talking about.
Exactly! But those are hard to come by, isn't it?
Anyway, going back to my question. What did you do? Have you did CBT with ChatGPT or a real therapist? I don't have the means to try a real therapist though. I guess even budgeting to find one would be bad for my mental, since funneling all my money into a therapist would make me unhappy since I will end up broke in the process. And no, getting a free therapist is not an option where I'm from. Or, well, it's an option only for veterans and other certain groups of people.

Holy derailed…

>>306787
>>Okay, I'm sold. Can you tell me more about how you ysed CBT to your benefit?

I went in thinking "oh this is what it's like on TV, I just have to talk about my feelings" and what I *got* was a 20 page work book with a checklist of cause & effect and an event tracker diary to determine what went wrong, when and why. First session was essentially the therapist telling me the scope of the project, the type of interventions that they could provide or refer and the explicit end goal.

First step was identifying the root cause of the Catastrophising habit I had, which is "Things are shit, I am shit, anything I do is shit, why try" which, largely was because I had lived in abnormal (statistically significantly so) adverse situations. The therapist back then did a basic assessment of what I did, why I responded to specific problems the way I did, and we eventually built up a literal checklist and decision tree that I still refer to from time to time that stops the habitual fear/endure and shut down response into "Think calmly, assess using the tools you have developed, respond accordingly". That took about 10 weeks of conscious practice to get to that point, but it got me out of bed and into an upper quartile wagie lifestyle which I know for sure i'd never even attempt, never mind achieve in my old configuration.

>>Basically, my rumination prevents me from starting acting. I don't know what to do first: behavioural or cognitive changes.

Of all things it was the Pickle Rick therapist in Rick and Morty that gave me an answer that's stuck for years:

"I have no doubt that you would be bored senseless by therapy, the same way I'm bored when I brush my teeth and wipe my ass. Because the thing about repairing, maintaining, and cleaning is it's not an adventure. There's no way to do it so wrong you might die. It's just work. And the bottom line is, some people are okay going to work, and some people well, some people would rather die."

So the question I suggest _you_ answer is, do you hate *maintenance*, or do you actually and genuinely hate *work*.

If it's the later, I'd expect 2:1 odds that it's because outside context problems have demonstrated to you - either rationally or subconsciously - that the fruits of your work can be taken Post too long. Click here to view the full text.

i *am* handsome! ;_;

>>306713
>I would be grateful if you would elaborate with something tangible. I can't engage with something this vague.

i doubt engagements are what will make you decide to create a way more detailled map of the place you are at but that is the price you have to pay to know what is really going on.

>"Didn't try hard enough kid." Is all I ready.

i guess you could look at it that way if you insist but i encourage you not to insist, there is a certain inherent inequality when communication occurs at different levels of knowledge and experience. what do you want me to say, want me to say "your highness" to you or "sensei"? i don't call you kid i would prefer more politically hurtful insults but the not having tried hard enough is something i would like to emphasize because there is a degree of hardness that you can reach that would make that statement valid and since you were not that hard, you are in the situation you are in. hardness is the way out. talking about it is the way in.

>I didn't or at least didn't mean to make a statement of "oh its all your looks, blame all your failures on it". If that is what you got from the post then you either misunderstood or I made a critical error in communication.

'looks' as well as 'failures' are everything when you are close to them though in another way those are both smaller day-to-day downstream effects from more overarching concepts i encourage you to keep an eye out for. these are like details or afterthoughts that you insist on giving way too much of your finite attention when there are things much more deserving of your most precious resource.

>The point was to understand and share from experience of aspects of ones life where one would feel they got lesser results or were shut off from opportunities simply for their looks.

besides lack of looks, can you think of other disadvantages a person might suffer from being shut off from opportunities? i also experience being shut off from opportunities but it is for reasons i would bet you could never guess because it is too rare of a condition, nobody knows about this, nobody cares about this, nobody understands about it but don't care. i barely ever talk about it because talking about it does nPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

>>306810
this.

>>306409
These are some interesting questions. I generally expect the worst from people in general. Most are probably worthless scum (myself included) that just waste the air they breathe. But I'm at least considerate and sometimes even friendly to strangers (mainly elderly people when they look like they need help) and I do expect a certain amount of basic consideration from others too. Which is why I get incredibly pissed off when I have to leave the house more often than not. I always see trash that people just threw into the fields where I live for example and it makes me seethe and imagine their brutal deaths at my hand every time.

As for friends, I have some from my old school days. A few are now certified hiki NEETs, others are a little more towards the normie end of the spectrum. I never really consider what I expect from them. I guess that they respect my time? That if we have an appointment to play a game or whatever they'll show up or tell me if they can't? But that then just kind of sounds like the basic sort of consideration you'd expect from regular people. Perhaps it's because even between my best friend and me, we never really disclose any deep personal things. So maybe there's an aspect of me just keeping others at a certain distance and that's why they still fall under the general umbrella of "people" vs "friend" in my calculations of expectation.

The same thing for my family. I'd like to think my relationship with my family is okay, we get along well enough that I never had to move out and so on. But if my mom told me out of the blue tomorrow that I needed to fuck off, I guess I'd be a little hurt and disoriented but then it would be like "I guess that's just how it is". They are my family, I want them to be healthy and happy and safe but at the same time I don't feel like we're bonded all that closely. Perhaps it's because I was a latchkey kid and my sister was a normie with a blooming social life while I slowly became a shut in.

Like you I consider myself a weak person. Sometimes I feel like a shade, the ghostly remnants of someone who has died and is just kind of drifting along. I stopped expecting things of myself after running into too many walls too many times and seeing that while hard work matters, luck does even more. Our cultural myths are all survivorship bias and rose tinted glasses. I no longer have it iPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

>>306810
I don't wanna shit talk my mom too much since she did so much for me, but really dude same shit here.
Though I ended up being mentally not capable of making it to a degree anyways.
Are your parents successful?
Mine sure as fuck aint. One is a habitual unemployed drunk fuck (barely any contact anymore) and the other is a people pleasing anxiety ridden slave.
I don't mean to berate them either they turned out the way they did for their reasons too.

But who is giving this advice? My mom for example never went to college, worked as a clerk and then forced to a factory for better pay.
Been slaving away at a factory doing physical labor for 20 years now. How would she know anything?

The weed smoking kids you mention? Fuck their parents were entrepreneurs living in mansions.
I was one of the poorest kid in class because my mom wanted me to go to a "high end" high school.
I could have just gone to a vocational school and had a decent life instead of wasting it on trying to "make it"…
Hell I might have even had a better social life there since then most people would have been on my level and similar backgrounds…
Fuck…

What do wageslave parents teach you? To be a slave. All they know. Can't blame them, but still, damn.
i feel like most of the "advice" we were given were just daydreams of our parents too
Like my mom never got to go to college so it must have been the missing element.

>>306813
Thank you for sharing.

I don't think it's too much to want common courtesy and for others not to act like animals.
Living in a flat with poor people… basic humanity is not at all the default.
Trashing of public utilities and common use areas is the norm unfortunately. Noise and smoking with zero care as well.
>Most are probably worthless scum (myself included) that just waste the air they breathe.
Shows that you are aware… wish people shared a bit of such self-awareness.

On the friends part I'm glad you already explained how and what you consider a friend.
To me such shallow connections don't qualify and I struggle maintaining them as well since they hold little value in my eyes.
I know this sounds arrogant.
I'm aware this is not necessarily beneficial since for the wast majority of people such "friendships" are what they want and expect, nothing more.
I'm cordial to people in general, but I wouldn't go out of my way to keep such connections going.
I can see it working if you yourself prefer to keep them at arms length.

The family part as broken as it is I hold no grudges. Similar situation post-divorce at least. Was quite horrific prior. Sister turned out normal at least.
Good for her. I'm grateful I'm allowed to stick around, but I also wouldn't have any hard feelings if I were told to leave.

>I stopped expecting things of myself after running into too many walls too many times and seeing that while hard work matters, luck does even more.
Post too long. Click here to view the full text.

>>306819
>Trashing of public utilities and common use areas is the norm unfortunately.
I encounter this whenever I have to go to the nearest larger town or city and it always makes me feel like living in a dying society. Which is probably accurate. But it just fills me with anger, disappointment, resentment and other things I cannot accurately describe. I guess even though people always find a way to disappoint you, no matter what you expect.

>To me such shallow connections don't qualify and I struggle maintaining them as well since they hold little value in my eyes.
I don't view them as shallow since we have spent a lot of time together during our youth and thus we know each other fairly well. I suppose gaming and shooting the ship in itself is the value. Company and shared history. All the little in-jokes and obscure references that build up over the course of years, decades. Though to be fair that only really applies to my best friend who became hiki NEET after dropping out of uni. With the others it does sometimes feel like consciously maneuvering a social landscape, which makes them feel more like "close strangers" at times. There were many times I wondered why I kept those connections up and my best guess is habit and a certain amount comfort (though fun too).

>Sister turned out normal at least.
I feel like succubi generally do better with these types of things. People are more likely to try and help them, whereas men are usually left to their own devices. More social support and what not. Or perhaps it's just that the normal distribution of traits in men is wider, meaning there are more socially divergent men than succubi, who are already more inclined to go with the social flow in general.

>I know myself, yet for some reason every so often I get a spark within me that inspires some vague dissatisfaction that makes me dream up that "perhaps one day".
Believe it or not I do get those as well. Perhaps it's because growing up I was always told I'd go do great things, that I was so gifted and talented. These kinds of hopeful episodes definitely became less intense and less frequent with age for me though. In my early 20s they were a constant, now as I'm almost 30 though there is more of a sense of haPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

>>306738
>She simply doesn't like you. Move out.
I can’t move out on my own just yet, but I can go and live with my dad because my parents are divorced. I love my dad very much; he’s a good person and helps me with my problems. My mum is always criticising him for not having a steady job, but he’s an honest worker.

>>306783
>I can’t move out on my own just yet
I think you can and you should give it a shot while you still have the safety net of both parents.
>my parents are divorced
>posted alongside sad_breakcore_tranny_drug_meido_discordreaction.png
Hehe

>>306790
I am not him but this junkie anime wench existed long before trooncore

>>306791
OP here, I'm not a crab

Normies, especially succubi just love to complain. I bet your mother has nothing of substance going on in her life either, if she was happy and had hobbies she wouldn't be so up your ass. nagging and bitching is a popular female hobby

>>306374
nice

>>306508
i like the drawing style

I'm tired and angry

>>306773
wow this is dope

>>306061
Never go to the psych ward or be blatantly honest with a therapist. These people are quick to deem you mentally adjudicated (incompetent) and will fuck you over for life.

Just because society socially ostracizes you doesn't mean you're mentally ill necessarily; it's a negative feedback loop.

All they'll do is gaslight you and project onto you. If you do need to seek out help from them, attempt to be as relatively neurotypical and politically correct in a nuanced way as possible, and pretend that their shit advice is somehow a groundbreaking revelation of self-awareness.

I think this is obvious unless you are truly delusional, or too retarded to realise you are retarded. I would avoid this jury stuff anyway, even when you interact with the court system in a good way these things somehow always bring bad stuff in your life

I know I must be developing schizophrenia. I am seeing plenty of visual hallucinations such as animals like cats and dogs that don't belong to me playing in my house, seeing massive spills of juice on the floor then it fades away after a minute. However the thing that gets me are the little things that aren't interesting enough to be noted as fake, such as hearing a knock on the door or a phonecall which really irritates me. At least I'm not seeing demons and believe the government is trying to kill me like my mother gets

>>306193
I’m schizoaffective and also suffer with hallucinations. I have subtle hallucinations such as the ceiling fan sound can merge with voices, it gives off the feeling of being in the interrogation room from COD: Black Ops.
I have hallucinations where I can telepathically hear people’s inner monologue. There’s plenty other stuff but what makes it worse is that I lost my inner monologue after using copious amounts of psychedelics, so I’m stuck with these voices and intrusive thoughts without any room for my own.

It’s fucking over

>>306061
yo i just got summoned too…

how did it go with you OP if you ever return?

My plan is gonna be just being honest and tell them i have a lot of anxiety and would really prefer not to participate, but I'm here if they literally have no one else in the system willing to take my place…. (my anxiety of having follow-up calls or getting in trouble for not showing up is wayyy worse than going… cus i've done it before and never even got selected or had to make an excuse)

>>306667
you should try dmt or some other psychedelic, they dont mess with your body physically.

I am the opposite of you, i have too much free time that i don't know what to do with it

>>305362
OP, had a neetbucks and be happy

I was a neet then a wagie now half and half. The only good thing is money. I wanted to move to SEA after grinding but nope. Just find small joys.

>>306667
if you want ultra intense like the other wiz said, DMT. but personally i think controlled doses of LSD and working up to high doses where you can handle the intensity is what i'd recommend. I only had borderline overwhelming experiences when i got up to 4-5 hits which i think made them more profound since i worked up to that intensity, because i was able to be present and not just tripping out of my gourd

Okay, I tried Discord AGAIN, and I believe it's not for me.
The go-to advice for making friends is "just joing a niche hobby discord sub bro!"
It's all nice, but the biggest hurdle for me was the small talk and off topic discussions.
Basically, you are walled off from the most of the server until you prove you are a chill guy, and only then you are allowed to see the hidden channels.
I did just that, tried to build my cred on one of the servers by participating in some stupid bullshit discussion in the off topic chat only to find that nobody posts in the hidden channels (aka on-topic channels) and like 95% of discussion is some benign shit about the users' day or some latest meme or whatever.
I hate hate HATE that I have to participate in small talk, my sped brain hates small talk.
I tried the same strategy with different subs, even purely technical ones, but they are mostly dead and nobody talks there.
Just join discord, my ass.

>>301325
>Discord
Discord is a shit place to make friends

That's insane. Just use a throwaway account

>>301325
If you don't need money, then get friends is not a need. I've tried being friendly and nice with people but always think that being a good guy to them is being weak so they surprise when I don't tolerate their injustices over me and automatically they consider me a threat to their environment so unless that I need money or stuff like that, I don't have any interest to know new people. At least until I get a friend that don't want to use my kindness to mock me around or use me.

>>301325
It took me awhile to find friends on discord. If you play video games you gotta find them in the games you like. Popular games are easier to find people but not high quality, high quality meaning good match for you. I found a friend while i was living in a hotel playing dark souls remastered on switch like 5 years ago and still play with him to this day. He found more people and they became my friends too. I also found friends playing pubg. I think for men and especially autistic men which i was very autistic before, it’s better to have a shared goal or objectives and the small talk is just a ctach up or time occupier inbetween gameplay. This could also be applied to a mens shed or something where you go to build objects or whatever else. When you’re socially awkward it’s better to have something to focus on objectively until you gain enough levels to tolerate and then later enjoy small talk. It took me years but now i enjoy myself with random people from good discord groups. I count myself lucky. I could have easily never recovered.

>>306318
Care to explain how you will remain unaffected?
How did you move beyond the system?
I wish I knew.

>>306323
I am a neet but I think it is impossible to truly remain unaffected. What I rather meant is being born, growing up, and living in this society tricks you into believing a certain way of thinking is reality, it gives you this subtle brainrot interacting with these systems over years which is hard to notice, you're entire way of thinking becomes warped and you lose track of what is actually real
hence the normies get filtered

>>306330
I feel like we have a different thing in mind when it comes to being filtered.
If the world turns sour and you lose your neetbux you'll end up in the same spot as we are.
At the end of the day, as a NEET you are just as much if not more attached to the system in this case.
Perhaps I'm completely missing your point, in which case I'm sorry.

>>306267
liberal arts degrees exist for people with a particular passion to have a place to pursue it, and for people with a place at dad's company to have an easy way to get a piece of paper that says "degree" on it. considering it from a career perspective is stupid.

if anything, the practice of treating university as a vocational school that prepares people for a career is historically abnormal, a feature of the centralized nation state trying to mass-produce technical specialists. now that the demand for those is dying out, so is the system of university as a step you take to guarantee a job.
>>306265
the low hanging fruit were picked a lot longer ago than you think. even most of the oft-cited examples of someone "single handedly" changing the world at any time in the past 200 odd years are more often than not about someone spending a decade or two fundraising and eventually getting lucky after burning millions than working alone in a shed.

success in starting a business is almost always a matter of simply being in the right place at the right time, and getting lucky on a risky gamble. you won't find it by just going around and looking for problems, because everyone is out there looking fof ways to make money. you need to be one of the first few to find out, have the right skills and know the right people to get things off the ground before the market is saturated.

as for average engineers and programmers, they're glorified assembly line workers. the real entry level degree to do actually creative technical work is a PhD nowadays, and even that doesn't work out for most people (don't think it worked out for me)

>>306271
>>306296
asking a chatbot for business ideas is the exact opposite of a way to succeed. it will distill the statistically most probable responses, aka the things it thinks people would say, aka the things it has seen people say in situations like yours time and time again, aka the shit that everyone else is already doing or trying to do

you need arbitrage, a competitive edge, something that sets you apart. a business profits because it discovers a shortcut, it solves some problem so much cheaper than the alternatives that you can afford to take a cut. if everyone has already thought of it, everyone has tried it, and it either didn't work or it worked and now they're already there eating your lunch but with an established process and customer base.