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How i do stop being a complete edgelord? most conversations i have devolves into goth tier loathing and in the few voice chats i tried forcing myself to join i could only say slurs and make everyone mad at me. at least part of it is due to the fact that one of my only dopamine sources is unironically watching gore videos and sometimes masturbating to dead succubi. i have practically no social skills and im a dead end autistic schizo loser who is quite possibly the ugliest scariest most boring man alive. any ideas? thanks.


awareness? I'm making stuff out of whole cloth, but I have kind of the same problem. I can talk excessively on dominate conversations, the more I did it the more I noticed a pattern in their disinterest. So, I try to keep this in mind whenever I have a conversation and hold myself back.
And to criticize my suggestion, I probably focus more on filtering myself then enjoying the conversation.


Nah you just don't belong in this (current) world. Embrace the loneliness or kys.


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it's the only way to live


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Don't, go full Dirlewanger.


I want to induce severe physical pain unto my flesh as to distract from my mental suffering. I dont want scars to attentionwhore with cause Im not a foid. Scarless automutiliation requires creativity and maybe you have good ideas.

Ive already tried holding tightly ice cubes in hands. Not satisfactory at all.

I really want for a long time to set myself on fire. But this is hard to do without receiving on lookers. And it gets scars. I thought about making small campfire and standing in it with my legs. That be sweet though I dont want to seek medical attention for burn wounds on my legs. How can you prevent damage that goes to the extent of necessitating of requering medical attention. Any salves I can smear on my legs after or treat it myself?

Besides immolation I would love to stab a pocket knife in my stomach. That would under aforementioned conditions not be possible sadly.

Any ideas on dyi dealing with burn wounds on my legs and other covert selfharm tactics?
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One way could be to try to fight your mental pain by subjecting yourself to other mentally painful things. Listen to harsh aggressive music or look at extreme gore.

If you have to inflict physical pain on yourself, you can try to cut and stab the glans of your dick, so it won't be noticeable even when you are naked (unless they'll specifically inspect your penis and pull back your foreskin).

You could try to boil yourself with hot water and explain that it was an accident while trying to make tea. In that regard you could also run into objects at home (especially edges of furniture) with high speed and claim that you slipped and collided with them accidently.
But be careful not to overdo it. Suffering from both mental pain and chronic physical pain is very unpleasant.

When it comes to ice, you can drastically increase how cold it feels by sprinkling salt on it.


Brilliant thanks wizbro


Do opioids or benzos. Maybe physical pain can be better than mental suffering in some cases but both are bad. Why not try druging yourself? Cold showers are a good solution as well.


Instead of mutilating yourself to distract from your mental suffering, why not just get drunk or do drugs?


Tazer yourself, eat extremely spicy peppers, put them in your anus, rub them on your penis, cut inside your nose and sniff salt, starve yourself, eat excessively till your stomach hurts than puke untill only your stomach acid come out.

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How many of you get addicted to video games in an unhealthy way? I quit for a while, but lately I often end up playing League of Legends all day and I don't really enjoy it most of the time. It often upsets me and makes me feel angry or depressed due to the toxic community and losing games. The problem is that I don't currently have a job, and there isn't anything much entertaining on the internet anymore, so I just end up playing league all day and then getting mad if I don't win.

I have some other hobbies but usually they only fill up a few hours of the day, I haven't found anything that fills up the entire day like video games can. For example I read, go for walks, practice piano, and watch movies/anime, but a lot of the time I can't find things to read or watch that hold my interest, and going for a walk or playing piano usually only eats up an hour or two of time. The only time I quit my gaming addiction was when I was more busy and had things to do such as working and college and then going to the gym, but covid shutdown in my area shut all of those things down. I take college classes but due to covid they are all online and it doesn't take much time to finish all the assignments each week.

Anyone here quit gaming? How do you fill the hours of a day that you used to play videogames?
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I think his post was sarcastic.


this guys voice and delivery is really annoying like pretentious


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im over 30 now and have been gaming since 5 yrs old
i never got this extreme hate for video games that stems into hating yourself or "ruining your life or wasting time" since there's nothing else id rather be doing

my only regret in playing competitive online games is i chose to do it off-steam now that it holds 90% of all pc game sales and my profile looks kind of empty compared to others with 10-20k hours in a game so all that time is in the void instead of being logged


It's like a hall of shame. Why would you want that?


i don't see it that way it would be like a badge of honor


Does anyone else have a persistent fear/anxiety where the mind constantly worries about any and all things? In my case, it has come to a point where I am feeling very afraid today despite no reason. Being happy or in a relaxed state has become a dream now.

An article on GAD as well: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/generalized-anxiety-disorder-gad.htm
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if you can name a recreational/medicinal drug I've probably tried to alleviate anxiety.


Just wanted to say I really appreciate threads like these. It isn't good to feel alone about such things, so thank you for sharing.


Eventually I overcame a big part of my anxiety. To do that I had to give up on wrongly learned morality. My former morality was based on self hate combined with admiration of others. Now it's based on the idea that I went through so much useless suffering in my life that I will not allow anxiety to be a part of it again. Instead of being anxious I'll either be upset about other people when things don't go as they should - it felt so good to hate someone deeply for the first time in my life I can't describe it - or I'll blame the universe for making humans have to exist and interact with each other with a fundamental lack of knowledge of each other and the universe itself - resulting in war, crime, hate, exploitation, depression, mental illness, exclusion and so on. Then again I just try to make situations as comfortable as possible for me and others as I want to avoid stress and spare energy for more important things.

Anxiety depends on the concept of what others think of you. This concept is baseless because you firstly don't know what they really think, secondly they probably are human scum so what they think is of no value, thirdly despite the idea of free will most things happening are deterministic by nature thus it doesn't make much sense to think of how others perceive you.

Also I came to the conclusion that people saying to just don't care and not having expectations deny reality and human nature completely. To care is an instinct and caring implies expectation bias. There is no solution to this. The only thing to do is trying to understand what we care about and carefully observe reality if that makes sense and if not reconceptualize what to care about - the biological function of caring always stays but the concept of it makes a huge difference in how it affects us.


Really inconsistent, the worst is waking up too early and not being able to sleep again. Right now I'm waking up at around half four in the morning and trying to sleep at 8 to 10 o'clock.


And yes, when I do get enough sleep, my body in particular feels completely drained of energy in the morning.


Anyone else here living with BPD?
I also have depression (they're co-occurring many times) but in a way I feel that BPD is way more life-wrecking for me than depression.
At least when I have depression I find some sort of dark solace, with BPD it's like everything is unbearable.
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You already have /meta/burgers obsessing over you and giving you all their attention.


We can still make friends here and I do not mean romantic at all thank you very much.
I do not even use shitcord thanks very much.
Can we please keep these off topic posts out of here?
I want to discuss BPD with others not respond to non bpd people seething for BS reasons.


Not sure if it's related to BPD, but when I wanna kill myself and start looking for a certain method this exact method turns looking especially painful for me


>obsess over each other?
>never really related to roasties
This is a concerning contradiction that highlights the kind of nonsense that's allowed.


One of the worst things about BPD for me is knowing I will never actually be normal and at most learn to cope better.
I will continually freak out over nonsense and just get better at not acting on my insane urges to harm myself and self destruct.

I have talked to older people with bpd who confirmed you just always stay broken but get a little better at putting yourself back together.


When I look at my current worldview and personality (avoidant personality, social anxiety, worried about my looks, anti-natalist, depressed, tired, and angry), I can trace all of these to having been bullied. A couple of them have other origins other than bullying, but all of them were either created or hugely exacerbated by me having been bullied. And I think that I honestly wouldn’t post here or spend any time here if I wasn’t the way I am, because in all honesty I probably would’ve turned out a normie (I have a NVLD so I wouldn’t have been a complete normie, but still). And I wouldn’t be anywhere near the person I am today without the above-listed qualities, which largely stem from bullying. So, what about you? Is having been bullied affected who you are in such an extreme way that if you hadn’t endured it, you wouldn’t post here?
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i never tried to join any social circle and normalfags viewed me as either a threat or a target for bullying anyway, you just simply need to exist and not be an ape


I was bullied quite a bit in school for being extremely shy and socially awkward. It lead to me staying shy, but also avoidant and anxious of social interaction in general.

Partly wrong. People are bullied for the reason(s) you said. However, others are bullied for simply not being normal in general - not social enough, what they wear, literally any deviation from the norm.


what normalfags hate the most is someone who doesn't need to be in their group and is ok with being alone


What? Not at all, people like that (extremely rare) tend to be invisible characters ignored by all. The other posters are right when they say it is the people who bother the normalfags who get bullied. There are those who believe they are "ok with being alone", but do things like glare or send looks over to the normalfags on occasion, which creates an instant me vs you conflict. Generally these types who show this emotion seem to not even realize they do it, and then get bullied thinking they did nothing to "deserve it". They don't realize how quickly normalfags can pick up on even minor facial changes that give away your true thoughts, normalfags themselves don't realize it but refer to it as "bad vibes" or "creepiness".

I would say the majority of bullying happens because the bullied participant doesn't understand their environment. They think of normalfags as fellow humans, when really they are your natural enemy - and you must either be ready to fight back at all times and never let up, or ensure they don't realize you are their natural enemy.


Never been bullied.

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I always wanted to escape, but when I was a kid, I never knew where I should go. Now, I do…
Regardless of what some of you may think, I am talking about the wise ones, the philosophers and maybe these authors and poets who have a tendancy to include their philosophical perspective into their writings, I had always read, that mankind was forever doomed to escape. There is always a thing, whether abstract or concrete, for man to escape, whether it is time, whether it is the past or whether it is its own reality, we are undeniably compiled, programmed, made, crafted to escape something that we would not feel okay with it, in a infinite race against these things we try to escape. I passed all my life, carrying over my back, the faults and responsibilities of others, my family, as well as my "friends" (which I got rid of recently because I figured out they were a real waste of time). I was always the Fix-it-Felix guy, whether it is in a chore, or in a test or even in a relationship, the same process of carrying the faults of others was constantly present, and I tried to ease things around till I feel like I exploded. I figured out that this decision of my life, to let go everything was the only reasonable thing I ever did, I am giving up on my studies, I am giving up on my relationships, I am giving up on these people I knew, I am giving up on my hobbies, as well as many characteristics I used to have(such as the will to compete with others in anything, toilsome and hard-work), I am letting off anything that used to be around me or even a part of me. All I care about right now is one, single, unique thing all my body and soul are determined to do…… I want to escape to TIBET…
This may look crazy for a lot of you, but hey, this is the Chan of weird, depressing, abnormal things, otherwise I would've told normalfags expecting the same reaction of surprise I would've get if this was not actually the Clan of the worst people on planet. Just as I said, yes I want to escape to TIBET.
I want to find a way to go there, I would like to tell you about my plans there, but I surely don't want this thread to be found by the wrong people, the only thing I can say about it, is that I am going to a meditating journey, if can anyone of you, actually find a good plan for me to achieve my will, may he have my benediction forever, because he would've saved a soul from the Jaws and crawls of depression, a depression caused by the none stop stPost too long. Click here to view the full text.
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Teach me


Oh it's improve psych poster, I certainly wouldn't have expected a thread like this to belong to you. Well, I suppose it is spiritual in a sense, and the way of the improver is usually just as fucked up as the person whom they try to give improver advice to hilariously enough. Anyways, enough of such things that will lead to no where; although now is your chance to ignore the rest of my post and leave since you know who I am, as I know who you are. Your subconscious and conscious are your "self" are they not? They compose together your nature, and dictate your actions. You on the other hand split them apart with the conscious as the self and subconscious as some sort of other self, so that conscious is fighting the subconscious and thus upset. If it is the case that the unknowable subconscious (unknowable by definition of a subconscious) is your master and you merely upset by it's choices, then would it not be the answer to simply accept what it is that it wants, since that is a part of yourself that cannot be removed? Or do you know how to wrestle control back from this subconscious? In which case you merely need to do this and then you will go to Tibet, despite that obviously most likely not going to happen, and I will continue to see you post here for many months to come.

If I was in your position I would just accept that consciously you don't really want to go to Tibet, and really your conscious just wants to speak about going to Tibet - and the topics which will stem from such a conversation. Such that your want or wish is not Tibet itself, but the idea of leaving or escaping from whatever reality you are involved in right now. That or if you are still unwilling to let go of the unknowable subconscious controlling your "self", which then you could accept that it is part of your "self" and then be fine with what it decides for you. In a way someone might accept a destiny or fate in some such manner.


All what you said is right when applied in general terms.
I mean, it is undeniably true when talking about any other general case, about any other random person who could ever exist on planet. And it is foolish to think, that one can be totally different from any other being On earth, because, every single human being represents a different combination of the already existing traits and characteristics present in other human beings or inspired from nature, but when someone got a real wish to fulfill, and is fully ready to do it without any apparent sign of doubt or hesitation, it is better to help him, as much as he is responsible for his own deeds, here, it is more reasonable to argue, if you want to give me the happiness I wish or the happiness I should have. There is a big difference between these two things, since each one has a different goal. The first one is closely related to the person wishing that happiness, to what he defines as happy status and sad status, not in terms of terminology but if one can express it in terms of abstract mathematics, it is a set of objects, which interaction maximizes an arbitrary function the person "self" is the one that defines it, this function itself is changeable according to the different internal setup and exterior Parameters related to society, when a baby sees people smiling and laughing, he observes the consequences that result in, if the consequences maximizes another target function, which has nothing to do whatsoever with any kind of exterior factors, then the first arbitrary function is being maximized by imitating an already found solution. In all cases, a deep connection between "happiness" and internal factors is being present even when it is hidden under layers of causal relations, which means there is no way on earth, that can guarantee to maximize everybody's happiness according to one's desire, so we can no longer talk about the happiness I should have, which, up above, was proven to be inexistent and mathematically impossible.
Fighting your subconsciousness:as I said,and as it seems you agree with, the human "self" is divided into these two entities, if you stop wrestling your subconsciousness, this is the moment when you gave up on your consciousness, these two entities are not meant to coexist as much as they are meant to get into constant fight, because this is what it is programmed to do, and you are unable to stop it, or to change itPost too long. Click here to view the full text.


>you do know who am I
It might be you are someone else, I merely assumed you are our resident psychology obsessed improver that hates me with the fury of a thousand burning suns. Usually once he knows he is speaking with me he gets very upset, accuses me of some sort of "debate tactics", and says he won't reply to me again; so maybe you aren't him; although you might agree with him, only time will tell. Admittedly I did not treat him with much respect, since he was always looking to debate me instead of having a conversation. After reading your post a part of me thinks you are someone else whom I had a long conversation with before, the only other reasonable poster I've found on this website. I had been worried that the the person who hates me was actually this other poster, who might be yourself, both of "you" were in the same thread and I don't know if you were one and the same. Were you the other effortposter in the "negative feedback loop" thread?

Enough of the socialites. I agree with the first few sentences on uniqueness, but from there on out I am rather confused by what exactly you mean by a real wish to fulfill and why it is reasonable to argue on giving that person happiness? Now, correct me if I am wrong, but the rest of that same paragraph is you are trying to say to say we should not deal with people in general terms, but more specifically in each individual's terms? Which is why you speak of people being a collection of their perceived experiences and traits, so that one defines happiness based on these types of things rather than an general term of happiness. This I assume, is your answer to my general ideas of dealing with the subconscious and conscious, in other words you are suggesting I must be more specific with my ideas, since one cannot apply such overly general instructions to themselves very easily. Perhaps I have mistaken all of this, as I think your paragraph is hard for me to perfectly "know" what it is you exactly mean. So once you clear things up with me, I can hopefully have a more interesting answer for you.
The next paragraph is easier to understand, and since I wish to get to the bottom of you, I shall accept your ideas that the clashing of the sub and the main consciousness are a necessity that cannot be avoided. This paragraph is what makes me think you were the other efforPost too long. Click here to view the full text.


Yes, give me some time to think about it more clearly, and I will make a new thread, because I suppose it will no longer appear in the top within two days, Just give me a keyword to use next time, so you can know if the thread is mine or not. Like some sort of Expression or a password expressed in *Bold*

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I was meditating upon the subject for a while and this is the conclusion I have to come to "to wish to live you must wish to die" wishing to live in the sense of "really living" you can't keep running and be safe in your castle, it's a rather colourless way to live one with no variations, very grey.

I mean 2 different things when I say "live and alive, "to "wish to live" you must "wish to die" that is to say wish to encounter your worst fear or whatever you have ran away from to hide in your castle, it's the only way to get colour, to embrace life you must embrace death, I do not mean this in a literal sense I mean life as in the positive aspects and death as in the hurdles and fears, one cannot exist without the other, you guys probably know all this stuff already though being able to identify if something is optimal doesn't mean you are incentivised or willing to enact it.

it seems there are 2 choices to continue this grey lifestyle or to try and do something.

this post probably sounds severely schizophrenic and I doubt I was able to get my point across, all of this was inspired by a chat with a former hikkineet I had, I will keep you lads in my prayers.
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Go to the wageslave general and ask yourself if anyone there leads a "colorful" life. Life itself is grey, do you really think all the normalfags spewing the "look how EPIC this moment I'm living is" line are being truthful? Interesting and cool events are only such when you are outside them looking inwards, as an active participant they are in reality incredibly boring.

Have you even been sky diving? Its interesting for 30 seconds at best, that is suppose to be a bucket-list kind of thing. 30 seconds is all you get for $200+ your first time. You pay that money and then tell normalfags about it, they get self conscious about how they aren't doing "epic" stuff like that. The reality is that there is nothing "epic" in life, you are born in wonder and will die in boredom.


>30 seconds is all you get for $200+ your first time
Uh yeah, haha.


haven't been formally diagnosed but I have "seen shit", friend I talked to said I am schizo affective, am formally diagnosed with ADHD and OCD (I went for adhd to get some pills and OCD was something he also picked up on I guess.

I guess manga works but it feels like drowning myself in alcohol to prevent me from thinking to deep and numbing myself. I have been a hiki for about 4 years, I don't remember anymore what he said it all seems like a haze to me.

been a hikki for 4 years

by that I meant "living optimally" or living fullfilled, by "die" I mean wish to experience failur or wishing to risk failure as doing such will let you live however you wish to live without supression, this sounds rather obvious I don't know if it is but it occurs subconsciously

heh nice post lad, I feel that we are trying to say the same thing but the terminology is getting in the way, by living I don't mean going into 80 hours a day wageslavery I mean taking risks like starting a garden, I don't mean that you should engage life with no decision making I think you should assess it based on your particular case, it could be the way you described it is perfectly accurate for your particular scenario but rather unfitting for others.
(last half also applies to >>232931)


Try working in a shitty job, your hikki life will seem like a heroin rush in comparison. Work can successfully keep you occupied/engaged in something, if say you're struggling to find meaning at home, but we're talking about good jobs here, which there are few of. The real world is much worse than you think, it's so unbelieveably fuckings bad that it cannot even be put into words. Nepotism and no accountability, worthless dogshit humans everywhere that need to be burned alive. Work itself is pretty much a scam in today's age anyway, you will accomplish nothing whatsoever in a job because the whole system is nonsensical. I'ts just desgined to keep people occupied so they don't sit at home and turn into criminals, but in reality you won't accomplish anything real in probably 80% of jobs. Instead of say creating new research projects, which would be real meaningful work, the government gives money to "entrepreneurs" that just create a new hotel or some stupid brand. And now this is supposed to be "the game", wasting your life is some shitty meaningless hotel and be fooled into thinking that you're acutally accomplishing anything.


I am who you responded to first.
Just seeing shit does not mean we are schizo I see shit myself and hear things plus think strange things but I think perhaps you mixed up schizoid for schizo.
I mentioned I am schizoid like because it means there are less downsides to hikki life.

Unless we have a passion we are working on everything is merely a distraction and trust me it stops being fun- everything turns to shit if you have mental health problems and we both will likely end our lives.
You can still change your life but will it be better? could always try and go back to hikki life after trying it.
Also worth noting that I was told I am not schizophrenic and my hallucinations were from PTSD and OCD interacting.

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 No.229550[Reply][Last 50 Posts]

I'm certain of failing and the smallest resistance that pops up in anything I try, be it reading books, trying to teach myself anything really, causes despair and I fall back into my old habits which can last for weeks, months in which I feel completely numb, only browsing imageboards and switching through my steam library without playing any games.
The fear has gotten so intense that I don't do anything.

I have over 1000 books on my hard drive, but barely read 5 of them, I have over 30 games in my steam library, but haven't played any games at all since 2018 or so. Listening to music, the most passive activity of them all, I always try to achieve some sense of piece and tranquility which I never get.

I can't remember when was last time I have had any clear thoughts and real goals or even enjoyed merely consuming something.
It looks like I'm just not made to function. I'm experiencing some kind of information overload.
I always feel an immense hatred at myself.
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they said they would give me 10k from my deceased relative once I learn a trade
but 10k is nothing basically, what am I gonna do with it?


at least you're young enough to where you can still try this stuff. I'm too old and I've realized that it's not just me being awkward or shy but that it's likely NVLD which was always brushed off as just being a clumsy nerdy kid even though I was really bad at anything that wasn't memorizing easy stuff like historical happenings. Can't even do normal braindead jobs since they involve motor skills.


I do not understand how socially tarded sperg anons can function at all it must be a hellish experience.
Worth noting that even if you now how to interact with the normalfags it is tiring and depressing because you realize their persona is entirely a facade.
It is like looking the human condition in the face no matter how nice they smile you cannot be helped butfeel reminded of the evil mechanisms behind their face.

>they said they would give me 10k from my deceased relative once I learn a trade
but 10k is nothing basically, what am I gonna do with it?
Do you need to learn a trade? can you not get gibs at all?
You may actually find working gives you a sense of purpose and all that bullshit.
If you can enjoy your idle time is there a reason to work at all? if you hate everything anyway you could always work for a bit and use the money to buy merch of your waifu or whatever but nothing will make you happy truly.

10K for learning a trade that takes years is nothing at all so why not start the trade and ask for some money and drop out if you hate learning it?


Either use that 10k for a car and/or skilled trades schooling or just throw it into stocks/crypto. 10k isn't really enough to change anything so what can I say.


oh well. they told me it'll be another year or so. I'll be past 20 by then. time sure flies.

[Last 50 Posts]


/dep/ music thread

original original original original original original original original original original original original
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Quit posting threads in the wrong boards.




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