/dep/ - Depression

The top 5 regrets of the dying according to an Australian palliative care nurse Bonnie Ware are:

-I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
-I wish I hadn't worked so much.
-I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
-I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
-I wish that I had let myself be happier.

I'm nervous because I've tried so many times and it never worked.

I recently worked alone on the backend of a course project, barely sleeping and also helping with the frontend. Before the deadline, my hands were shaking from anxiety and lack of sleep, which made my stuttering worse. Still, I finished the project (ASP.NET + Angular) and got 11 out of 12 points - almost a perfect score.

But our frontend guy only got 12 points for a beautiful cover, while I was fixing bugs, creating the backend and connecting everything via API. After all this, I was given even more assignments, and now I can't focus on my own projects. Everyone acts like they know what I should do, but I want to do what I want. I have a few personal projects, but they never moved beyond testing.

What frustrates me the most is the uncertainty - I never know if I will succeed. The chances of failure seem huge. The military pressure makes it worse - if I do nothing, I am sent to war (death sentence), or thrown out on the street, or harshly judged.

Thoughts of suicide used to come a few times a year; now it is almost every day. I do not want to live like this. I am too weak mentally to die, but I feel like I am just existing without hope. On top of that, I am burdened by old wounds and a burning desire to take revenge for all the humiliations I have suffered.

Also, I stutter. Most people don’t really care about it and just ignore it, which is actually good. But a few still mock me, including relatives, saying things like, “If you don’t like it, don’t stutter, or it’s embarrassing for me.”

I feel like I have a big black hole instead of my heart. it happens when I'm sad. It 100% comes from my depression for sure. it hurts because it's like someone stabbed you and you can feel the hole and it hurts even more and I get more depressed and I feel like the hole is growing bigger and heavier. it hurts so much when it happens. no hobby can satisfy me to fill the hole. the hole acts like a black hole and absorbs every positive thinking or things.
anyone felt/feels that and how did you overcome it?

Lack of disposable income is killing me
I have lots of things I want to buy, such as video games (online games can't be pirated)
Such as a VR headset
I'm traumatized by high school, and jobs are inherently social
I don't want to be around other people
Maybe I'll search for a job that's not social
It's been 10+ years since high school, and I still don't know how to drive

I can't feel nostalgic towards anything when I look how miserable and fucked up everything was from the beginning because how I look basically. my life would be 100x better if I wasn't SFS subhuman and I just only needed 2x for a life that I would consider good. there's just not a one single moment or a thing in my life that makes it any worthwile. I dont think I will feel any fullfilled by normal means anymore, I just need to hurt people and whoever that has lived in this creation.

Anyone else feel like their whole entire life has been ruined because of a neurological disorder? It has generally ruined my life on many scales. School was a mess both academically and socially, I wasn't able to continue college. Not being able to function without pills is so dehumanizing, extreme brain fog (even with a healthy diet and physical activity), executive dysfunction and intellectual deficiencies. I tried it all, physical activity, prayer, healthy food, and discipline. I know this is what a typical lazy person would say, but at what point does it get better??? at what point can I be as productive and as functional as the others?

I used to be a hikikomori for 5 years, it unironically used to be the best time of life

I find it hard to act without having any motivation for this life. I would consider myself living a life that is although not luxurious more or less of comfort where the basic needs are being met. I wonder if my attitude towards life is born from not struggling hard with basic human needs such as food or shelter. Or, is it because these needs were fulfilled, I wanted to become more of a human with a social or personal life that can be how I wanted. But when I entered adulthood, everything turned out to be different from how I wished it to be. The life now seems harder that expected. The social construct has made me give up on wishful thinking and has asked me to struggle to fulfil those basic demands, whereas the deeper expectations are seen as some distant dream. This way I have become somewhat superfluous and ignorant about my duties. I feel that what I am doing is simply how a prostitute does it; selling her body in a way that is in one way the greatest pleasure of life yet for her, it has become the greatest source of pain, only to meet basic needs. Living a hollow life without any happy ambitions is painful. You are surrounded by people who have a light in their eyes, even though they are a bit materialistic, at least they are running towards something. I on the other hand, instead of chasing anything, just following them. Every day begins with an order, from outside and I, having no words coming from inside, simply follow it like a machine. No emotion, no enthusiasm. It is an active boredom that requires an escapement in meaning. Is this how despair feels like? Does this emotion even have a name? Am I sick? I wonder every day, yet I am somewhat afraid to know the answer. I wonder how long I can follow others and emulate them to pose as a functional adult. I wonder if I am missing something that makes one a proper person. I am a fake.

I feel I'm in the same situation as Hamlet was, a man battling his own consciousness, yet the battle doesn't let him move even one step. Even the thought of ending his own life starts swirling around, and he tries to find a logical, reasonable meaning. Why is it that we must follow whatever set of rules society has selected for us, only to persecute the general public and help themselves, i.e., the people in positions of power? All the things I believe are a facade, where one must follow blindly without any sense of autonomy. And if you try to be something different, unexpected, you'd be treated as an outcast, an exception, an alien. The social construct that is necessary for our support is suddenly against us, and we can no longer function properly. This logic of the world makes me feel so bad. And although I wish to play the cards I've been dealt with, I've been on a constant defeat. The amount of losing I've faced, I do not know if I could ever love it. I'd continue as I have nothing else to do; for both my substance and sanity, I must continue with the game. It's difficult, and I seek distractions to overcome them, but I've more or less decided not to quit, as to live with whatever dignity as a human I've got remaining, I don't want to waste it. At least even this act of continuing could deem me worthy of a person.

"morality is obedience to god, because what god says is good"
"why? is it because good is god and anything he commands is automatically good, or is it because god is good, and he knows what is good and then commands it?"
"lets begin by assuming what god commands is good, and things are good only because god commands them, then we can accept that if god changes his mind and commands anything that was formerly bad to be good, it would become good (and presumably we would experience a shift in our internal moral understanding to see what we once thought badly of as being good)"
"but why would this be? maybe because god is the creator of all things, and as such, he sets the rules about what is right and wrong, similar to how the inventor of anything makes the rules for how that thing is to be used?"
"or maybe its merely because he is eternal, and has had the time to figure out how we should live?"
"or maybe because he is wiser than all of us (whatever that is supposed to mean)?"
"I propose a different answer: that god is the most powerful being and unable to be challenged without defeat, or disobeyed without punishment"
"and humans need god to liberate us from the war of all against all that results from lacking a unifying leadership established by the most powerful and unconquerable"
"but more important is that the consequence for displeasing him is the worst possible pain and sadness, while the consequence for pleasing him is the greatest possible pleasure and happiness"
"the ruling principle for morality then shifts to optimizing ones own personal pleasure and happiness, while minimizing ones own personal pain and sadness, correct?"
"everything else one can say, including the winning response on the game *socrates jones: pro philo" to the philosopher protagoras ultimately concedes protagoras' assertion that personal like or dislike is the true source of all moral or ethical beliefs - why should one consider the collapse of civilization bad if not for personal preference from one who lives in a civilization and relies upon it?"
"but it doesn't mean that one can just impulsively pursue the immediate gratification of ones own pleasures, because pains also factor into it, and additionally one can acquire the greatest pleasure over the long term by abstaining from a smaller pleasure in the short term. contrary to the game, society itself remains stable because everyone pursues their own pleasures and avoids their own pPost too long. Click here to view the full text.