/dep/ - Depression★

36 years old Wizard here with Schizophrenia living with mom (dad died a long time ago) I don't have any qualifications or income I am disabled and there is no NEETbux in my under developed country my hairline is receding due to how much I stress on my future in every single hour once my mom passes away I will be beyond doomed nobody in my family will support me they all live far away and they can barely support their own survival let alone to support another useless eater my mom already has health issues but nothing too severe (yet) is it possible to turn my life around in this late ago? people say "it's never too late" God I wish my parents never gave birth to me I heard stories og people who spent decades in prison and left by their 40s and still ended up starting a business and buying a house but I can tell it's an abnormal case once you enter your 30s without any skills qualifications or are capeable of work the chance of you being capeable of turning your life around becomes too small.

I really hope this threat does not count as succubus worship also I am not sure if this board is right place for me to talk about this.

In short, I can no longer get attached to any popular female fictional character simply because some degenerate will draw porn of it. It sounds autistic, but I don't care. This oddly is not the case with male characters; I can get attached to them even if they are popular and some degenerate makes porn of it.

But the problem with obscure female fictional characters is they probably won't get fan art mostly unless you know how to draw.

But I found an third way or a anomaly? that breaks this dilemma, so to speak, and it made me both the happiest man on this rock and the saddest man on this rock….

Do you have good or bad experiences in your host country or do you feel accepted or tolerated in the society of the country? Have you had problems because you were a foreigner? Can you tell us about them?

Why am I so pathetic? I don't even have it that bad, just slightly below average but still with all the tools to succeed and yet all I do is complain because there are others who have it better.

I live in perpetual regret because when I become aware of a problem instead of working on fixing it I hate and pity myself for having the kind of personality that would cause that problem. In my 20s I was making posts like "is it too late to …" and now in my 30s I feel like a fool for not doing anything back then but now again I am pitying myself and paralyzed by the reality of the wasted time I won't get back and the effects of aging with nothing to show for.

I feel like by now I've shown what kind of person I am and there is a very hard cap on what I can achieve. Any hope for change seems delusional.

I'm so fucking ugly and disgusting
It's painful to look myself in the mirror
I wanna kill myself

For several years I had the idea of ending my life in the back of my head despite barely ever experiencing extreme depression in any remote way, I spent long periods reading about various suicide methods at sanctionedsuicide and even making threads asking for technical questions related to suicide methods, but it's something I never planned to do at any time soon, and I still have no plans to do it at anytime soon at the moment, I made a thread here about this topic several years and some Anons thought I was being an attention whore just because My life did not suck enough that I would want to end it instantly, I am not too unhappy at the moment, but I know shit might hit the fan at some point, and I will have no other choice, I also fear ageing and getting too old, it's really the biggest issue with being a Wizard, oneday I will be too old and weak to even hold a glass of water, And I will have no children or grand children to help me, I have an obsession with suicide, the amount of time I spent thinking about it is so absurd given I am not even that pessimistic of a person.

Sorry the pic is too unrelated, I hope I made my point reach all of you

https://archive.org/details/suicide-fedden-1938
Chapters 1-3 of 10
I. Introduction
II. Servant and Widow
III. The Suicide Horror and the Savage
The blurb states:
"This book is the first comprehensive study to be written in English of the infinitely various attitudes towards suicide throughout the history of the human race. The causes of suicide in primitive, classical, mediæval and more modern times, and the points of view which have led philosophers to condemn or approve the custom, are expounded with a scholarly thoroughness in which pedantry plays no part, so that the volume is a gold-mine of out-of-the-way information on the subject."

From the book:
"A certain number of individuals have continuously found this act the most efficient and satisfactory response to circumstances they did not choose to put up with or to which they could find no other reply."
"The personal suicide is usually persecuted by society or only grudgingly recognised even in times of tolerance."
"Suicide is the price paid by many to view the unfamiliar new landscape. The transition to self-sufficiency has often lain for the weak, unfortunate and misplaced via self-destruction. Such deaths, which have been multiplying for a hundred years, are oddly distributed taxes levied against gigantic change." 
"When the number of those who are giddy standing alone grows less, then time will reduce the number of suicides also."

i've been daydreaming about living in a world where we stagnated on a 1990's level of technology.

today's internet, with its smartphone-social media, hyperpolitics and ultradopaminergic entertainment is such a mindrape that i'm starting to get really really tired of it…

i'm a millennial but i wish i was born in the 80s or even the 70s just so i could live and relatively normal adult life in the 90s and 00s.

i wanna go back to an analogic world.

Will probably delete this but had a terrible week (not that I'm not used to it by now) but I was asked to take care of a cat for someone down the street and the first week everything went fine. I fed it emptied the litter box but one night I accidentally left the garage door it used to get in and out too high and noticed something else got in. Since then I haven't seen the cat but last night (almost 2 weeks after) I found the poor things body underneath where he sleeps. I had only gone over twice in about a week and a half due to a cop giving me a speeding ticket for going 7 over the speed limit and my boss at work saying I had to meet for disciplinary action but refusing to say why other than my "behavior". I feel so bad that I killed someones pet and don't know what to do. I had also just planned my first vacation ever after over a decade of wage slaving but I can't take it now because I would be staying with the persons pet I killed for 2 weeks. I was honestly having a hard time not wanting to kill myself as it is and now I just don't know what to do. Cats have been one of the few things that have ever been nice to me and I killed one being irresponsible and preoccupied with my own problems, I feel so bad having killed someones pet kitty.

To value or not to value, To care or not to care, Do we truly care that much about our value that we defend it with any possible way, But to what extent ? What will we garner from showering with praises and value, A temporary feeling of having worth ? It all fades away after a period of time and you have to do that all again, Like anything in life, Everything fades away, That love that disillusioned you at that first sight fades away after 1 month if the other person doesn’t reciprocate, That’s the same as your value, If you don’t give more to your value then the other person will just get bored, Boredom is our nemesis in this world.
We truly love to wallow in our shit and feces and believe that we’re different than the other person, That we’re different than the other insipid and superficial people, But that’s the same as the other barn of shit that others pile in too and believe they’re better than you, All in for the same ending, For the same pointless and meaningless argument to escape the feeling of being “normal”, of being “mid”, of not having any specialities in this World, We fear that we will be perceived as lower, But in reality the damage is already done, We literally diminish our principles in other to not be perceived as lower by others, That’s just wallowing in the shit of the other person. For what is the worth of a person who died right now as you’re reading this ? For what is the worth of a person living in extreme poverty ? A person living in harsh condition, or someone getting tortured by the mafia right now.. Etc, They have more value than people who consider themselves high and almighty, Hell even a garbage collector holds more value than anyone who has “Villas, Cars, money… etc” Because they’re exploring life in their own condition, And the garbage collector is doing something for society, We just give value to ourselves because we’re pitiful and rely so much on another person’s praise to not fall, But you will fall and the fall will be so hard that you will cease to exist in another person’s eyesight. You can easily trick others by giving them value and watch them as they spiral down into madness when you cease to give them any value, People are evil, They rely on others to give them a shoulder to be another’s shoulder and when that shoulder carrying them ceases to exist, they fall because they were used to standing on the other’s shoulder.