/dep/ - Depression

Im going to do everything within my power to not coom (no fap,no wet dreams,no nothing)for 180 days. I want to realize the absolute peak of male human life and see if,then, I still want to die. I honestly dont know what i will think -then- but I -now- speculate about the "me of the future";180 days in the future,to be most precise.
godpseed to all you in my stead.

I'm 34 years old. Because of the excessive suffering for the past 10 years i've became looking older than my age. Old age is something that i feared the most and now that the moment has finally came, should i say good bye to life? I can't bear life like this, i want to be young forever.

My mental illness has been deteriorating at new levels. I reached a period of "newfound" stability some months ago.

I realize I didn't find stability at all, I just snapped peacefully for the first time ever. When I snap I get aggressive, do something dangerous and end up either in ER, the psych ward or in jail. Or all 3 in different orders.

Now that I've dealt with depression and boredom, I'm dealing with erratic behavior while feeling tranquil and happy. Very erratic behavior. I stopped talking to other people voluntarily, and I mean literally everyone I've known, even the few childhood friends I had. I cut ties with all acquaintances. I avoid my coworkers at all times, even though my job revolves around meetings and explaining technical shit to others. I stopped censoring myself when I'm in public and I notice some people get scared, stare at me or simply avoid me, which feels great to be honest. This is starting to happen at work. I'm having more delusions, I'm delusional most of the time.

I am willing to die anytime, I shouldn't censor my behavior, my opinions or anything at all. This is bringing lots of trouble.

They don't even want me in the psych wards. I know how local wards work, I know some of their protocol. I avoid doing stuff that could instantly get me tied, while disrupting the whole place as much as possible. Like, I can't punch a bitch nurse that's not helping me sleep, but I can break the TV, hide dangerous objects (like cables) and trash every single toy so other patients get bored and more aggressive.

>lol normgroid while even talk to other people or work
Because I live in a poor place/country, I need to interact with other people for money and food. Otherwise there's literally no food or money. And I need food to survive. I'm not wagecucking and interacting with people out of fun.

I can't believe I had to endure 12 years of this absolute drudgery and idiotic shit.

Thinking back on it, nothing good came of it. I learned no skills, I gained nothing except PTSD and a host of bad memories that make me cringe and make my stomach hurt.

I will never forgive humanity and a society that subjected me to such tortures.

after my sister moved back home a month ago ive been experiencing stress and a result i have constant eye pain
feels like theres some pressure in my eyes and my vision becomes blurry because of it but it only occurs when im home
i've been coping by staying at my grandmothers cottage because i am the only one there but i can't use it at moment because my cousin and his wife are using it.

what should i do?
ive been planning a trip to turkey for 2-3 months in winter so i can stay somewhere else for as long as possible & why do i get ocular pain? and how long do i have to experience ocular pain before anything serious develops like glaucoma, it was bad enough that my vision was blurry

How agonizing is wrist cutting as a method? Gun laws are strict as fuck in my country and there's no buildings nearby that are high enough for me to jump off and be 100% I'll actually die and won't just be a vegetable afterwards. I have a box of razor blades I can use whenever I want but I'm still not sure about how painful it's going to be and if I'll even cut the right veins.
Any advice?

Someone has more details about the carbon monoxide method, or a link containing that details

any one else have a eating disorder? I have bulimia and purge 3 times a week.

It seems to me that crucial factors that make up our first-person experience have been shaped by events completely out of our control, such as our genes or the environment in which we grew up. Maybe the only thing that counts in life is luck, I didn't ask to be born in a third world country with low intelligence, migraines that make my life hell or depression that seems incurable. Not to mention the annoying normgroids I have to live with on a daily basis. I really hope that there is no afterlife of any kind, or, if there is, that we can at least choose under what conditions to be born. Maybe some blame can be placed on me, but who cares? what am I but a mind causally dependent on a brain that is subject to the same physical laws as everything else in the fucking universe?

I am feeling extremely depressed. I'm coming down from a cycle of elevated mood in general. The sharp shift is confusing and painful. I am mentally ill, delving on details is needless.

I was diagnosed years ago, I've done therapy for many years. I'm an "experienced" patient, I already have all the healthy coping mechanisms. Already been through the suicide attempts and ER, multiple times. Already been through multiple meds, eating healthy and exercising every day. The list goes on and on. Whatever you can imagine there is to improve symptoms, I already did that and succeeded with some methods which I still do. I could even teach you what and what not to do when you're new to your diagnosis or therapy in general.

Point is, I'm here, it won't get better, it hurts and it will hurt forever. I can't even drive a car because of symptoms. I can't control when I dissociate or end up psychotic and I genuinely don't realize when it's happening. My dad has to carpool me to/from work every single day and we hate each other. I don't feel like a complete loser, I am one.

One of my diagnosis is extremely common in the male incarcerated population which makes everything even sadder, I'm prone to violence and it's hard to admit that, only recently I've been meditating on this because I had to stop counting my problems with the law. My hate delusions only get more elaborate through the years and I'm a very decent lone-wolf, I get stuff done by myself, I easily improvise and I do things fast.

Fuck this, I'm going to run and throw a football to clear my mind.