/dep/ - Depression

Tfw you’re so drained that even choosing between coffee or suicide feels like too much effort.

the life would be unbelievably good if I wasn't a deformed looking freak. I hate this world and whoever created it so much it's unreal

Its been a while
Things are worse now then last year
Life continues to be a challenge
Chronic pain and issues continue to plague me more
I am starting to dread physical social interaction
It is getting hard to keep up energy to do anything

Mother woke up with a face stroke.
im a 34 year old neet/hikkie. But this is a sign i have to become an adult now.
Although it feels like im trapped in a cage, underwater, while screaming.

I'm tired, boss. Tired of being on the road, lonely as a sparrow in the rain. I'm tired of never having me a buddy to be with to tell me where we're going to, coming from, or why. Mostly, I'm tired of people being ugly to each other. I'm tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world… every day. There's too much of it. It's like pieces of glass in my head… all the time. Can you understand?

I know the truth.
We didn't have a normal childhood, and if we did at some point during childhood, puberty, or adolescence, we screwed up and were rejected or abandoned or some fucked up thing.
>Ptsd
A few days ago, I read that people with PTSD have a characteristic lack of light and permanent dilated pupils in their eyes, as if they were almost dead. I looked at photos from my childhood, and at a certain age, I already looked terrible just by looking my eyes and face, from genuine happyness to pure sadness.
>Do you want to vent and tell me a story about some traumatic shit?
I have vague memories of tunnel vision dissociation after being rejected and abandoned as a child and another one as teenager. I wouldn't wish that experience to anyone.

>Avpd
I wonder if this shit is just a process of dehumanization every damn day. I feel out of step or out of alignment with the normies' charade of pretending that everything is fine. I can barely fake it with family members and some close acquaintances (who are not my friends but are friends of my family) and with childrens, I don't want them to end up like me either.
I'm going to say something that makes me cringe, but this year I felt a very stupid happiness because someone who is not part of my family expressed interest or curiosity about me. I don't know if them did it out of morbid curiosity or genuine interest in some form of human kindness, but it made me feel temporarily happy and not so alone and isolated. And no, it wasn't the typical “Are you okay?” that leads to the automatic fake response of ‘'Yes'’ or “Yes, but I'm just now busy and a little tired.”
If only I could make friends or find something similar to human companionship, like with my pets, I wouldn't feel so alone.
I miss playing video games like TF2, WoW, CS, other MMOs, ending up in long hours games and parties laughing with randoms, Even there, I connected with those who were disconnected and found support and friendship. Thank you for that.

is vocaloid for trannies?

Everything you see is controlled by algorithms.

The internet algorithms are gang stalking me.

I fucking loathe being autistic, I fucking hate how I can have articulate thoughts in my head yet can only muster and spew out the same few fucking phrases irl because I’m caught off guard and don’t know what to say

I hate how pathetic I am, I’m so fucking clumsy, my hand coordination is awful. Im always dropping shit which only makes me look like more of a retard

Most of all I hate the way other people look at me, there two “looks” I get from people. The first is the pitiful one. They see how pathetic I am, how socially inept, awkward and harmless I am and take pity on me like they would with a dementia patient. The other “look” is the hateful/judgmental one. They assume due to my awkwardness, my uncanny demeanour, ugly face and lack of height that I’m some kind of freak/someone to be suspicious of. They look at me like I’m some kind of sex pest/serial killer when all I’m doing is just existing

I put in the effort, I workout every day, I eat well, I keep good hygiene, I try, lord knows I fucking try, but I have to ask what’s the point? It won’t change anything. I can’t cure this awful plague of the mind I was born with, I’ll never be accepted or even tolerated by normies so why make an effort? Why try in life and work hard when I don’t even get the slightest bit of respect from the people around me? Part of me wants to just stay in my room stuffing my face with junk food and playing vidya all day but if I did that I’d only be more miserable.

Any other wizards have this condition? If so how do you cope with it?

How do I make a "backup" of legal, medical, economic, etc- instructions in case I, indeed, suddenly die of any random cause on any given day? Things such as: DNR orders\status , stopping myself from having my organs harvested whilst Im alive (organ "donation"), stuff such as ,in my case, declaring I will NOT have a funeral or even burial, Im dead don't waste cash in me, let the State deal with my corpse, or what to do with my investments\ savings\ funds\ belongings.
Do I write it all on a pendrive, and tell a few people of high trust to just read that document if I die?