/dep/ - Depression

Does anybody else live with family who have seemingly not a care in the world to be careful with your belongings?? It's incredibly annoying and often blood boiling. I have a lot of collections, and attempt to make models like tanks/planes/warhammer stuff and quite often my parents will "inspect" my room for whatever retarded reason and often break several items. I internally call my dad "The grabbler" he picks up delicate items with his full fist, all fingers perfectly alinged - like a special ed kid grabbing a pencil. As you can imagine, this often BREAKS anything even remotely fragile.

This has been an issue I've dealt with my entire life. I'd have my pokemon cards on a playing mat in my room, parents barge in and walk right on them despite them being able to walk around it, and I wasn't even in the way. Or other times where they would grab my school work with greasy/chocolate coated hands and get stains all over it. Also they love coughing and sneezing without any attempt to cover their mouths. You will see spit and mucus stains EVERYWHERE in the house. Especially on the shared computer screen, utterly disgusting.

I have tried everything to get them to be less dirty and more respectful and mindful but they just don't care, my mother is literally too stupid to understand, my father just doesn't care. I don't really want to move out either as it's not a possibility on my wages unless I want to live in a car or next to criminal social housing with even more disgusting people.

The list goes on and on about all the dirty behaviour they get up to. I might even jot down some greentext stories if I'm bored later

I got a very sad event and started to write things out of nowhere, like poems and short shitty ironic funny stories in my language, even some are sad or deppresive or even dramatic histories.
Sometimes i like to draw calligrams.
I shared it sometimes with randoms or people i know and they enjoyed it.
I doing this now like two weeks and i feel kind calm and in some way at times little happy after reading or laughing at my shitty work, i dont know why but i like it feels more fulfilling than doing nothing or focus much in fixing my sadness bacause sometimes i even got some smirk or laugh of people seing my art and they looks happy to me and that's everything to fill my day with their little spontaneous bacon of sunlight in this abyss.

I’ve come here to bitch, wizards. I’m an apprentice barely, I suppose (22 years), but I will be a wizard (for multiple reasons and beliefs), so I like the site a lot. Anyways, I’m in despair and will be in utter and complete despair for two weeks.

My parents forced my NEET-ish ass into university because they mean well and don’t want me to die on the streets once they die but not only is university/studying not for me but I’m on med school of all things, I’ve already flunked more than one class since I started the career like 2-3 years ago, so shit isn’t going well, not only that due to a stupid retarded class I’m being forced to spend two, I mean TWO fucking weeks with normies to do sort of stupid social work in some shitty rural town that’s even more shitty than my already dog shit town (not rural), I can’t even go back home for a single day on the duration of that, I’m not sure if I’ll survive, thankfully due to my mental illness (Szpd) I’ll probably be able to detach and survive but it’s going to be horrible, I don’t even like sleeping, bathing etc on the house of my grandparents (probably the unique people whom I somewhat trust and feel “oka-ish” being around outside of my parents and older brother), I might not really feel stressed, despairing and such but I know it’s happening, I just can’t feel it due to being mentally ill, of course I can still get the somatic part anyways, so my stomach is a mess right now and I feel like shitting for 5 hours straight, my hands have trembles a bit too, it’s like I’m in purgatory or something, what the fuck did I do to deserve this ? I guess that’s what I get for being depressed and suicidal for years all the while still keeping up the lie that “I want to be a doctor” because I didn’t even think I would be alive to reach university or the career itself, nor did I have (or really have) goals or a job/career I wanted, it was easier to lie at the time and just kill myself eventually. Thankfully, I got better, and I’m even content with my life in general (which is the closest I can have to happiness, as I only get to feel emotionally happy here and there for a couple of minutes a few times per year), but now I’m stuck in this horrid situation. At moments like these, I kind of wish I could at least not be mentally ill, I would have found something I really wanted to do by now or would be able to push through this career even if it’s exclusively for the degree.

But such thinking is useless, I’m now sPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

Again, that feeling returned, wondering why there was a kind of resentment within me. Memories surfaced of why things had to be this way. And well, my ego told me what my eyes had seen: that I was superior to the one who had prevented me from being myself.

Although it was all for naught, the sinister was already looming. But how can you banish something from your mind when it has become so fiercely ingrained?

Have you ever managed to rid yourself of a resentment that seemed to have become embedded in your mind?

>Were you emotionally neglected as a child?
I wonder if this led me to become who I am now, at least in social settings.
I have no idea if I suffered from this, although I remember times when I was told not to cry, or I got used to not crying over silly things that perhaps maybe weren't silly for a child.
I read those internet ads about caring for parents and children, and they recommended hugs, affection, and not denying children's pain and suffering, and that the best thing is to get it off the emotions of their chest or body.
but if this doesn't happen, then they build up a shell, armor, or something like that because they mask or hide these emotions automatically out of pure habit and training. and later they will have trouble releasing their emotions from their bodies. Babies and toddlers do this naturally when they cry.
>Also
I can't remember the last time I cried with all my might or something like that.
I wonder if this led me to be the way I am now, at least in a social way. I wonder if I can treat it. I read from an anon that some of these things can only be treated with love. But the truth is confusing.
Maybe my brain is already like this, although I read that the brain can change, as can one's habits and feelings.

>phone alarm wakes you up from blissful sleep
>you're in a warm comfy bed, under a warm blanket
>you bury your head under a blanket for 10 minutes but soon drag your ass out anyway
>drag your ass out to work, where everyone is very demanding and aggressive and hates you
>get back 10 hours later, having no energy to do anything
>do the same thing tomorrow again
I just want to sleep I'm tired of repeating the same morning torture ritual every day. If we weren't ruled by greedy subhumans we'd have 4 day work weeks by now.

I am losing my motivation im gonna fail out of Uni
I dont really want to quit, but I have less and less energy
I am in a state of constant burnout despite doing nearly nothing
im such a failure

i'm 37 (soon to be 38). watching as your body degrades in real time is debilitating. earthly life is evil in every aspect.

I need no recognition, I want meaning, but education itseld doesn't give any. Being counscious of the simulation, how it works and why it exists gives a very weird feeling.

There are people who blames the rich, this and that, but the truth is that knowledge doesn't give any meaning and the slogan found in ultimate mortal kombat 3 does not make sense. In fact, knowledge of an anthill in your garden doesn't give you any power (that matters, anyway).

I'd like to go back in time, pick myself up violently against the wall, seeing eye to eye and say "IT IS ALL AN ILLUSION, A THEATER, AND YOU WILL BE TASKED TO MAINTAIN THIS ILLUSION AND YOU WILL HATE IT ALL".

If only a time machine wasn't one…

Would you trade autism/trauma/neurodivergency/lifelong depression/emotional neglect/whatever else that makes you a visitor of this forum to physical disability?

like you wouldn't be socially and emotionally stunted but instead didnt have one leg? or you were deaf? or blind? would you take that instead?