/dep/ - Depression

If you've been depressed I'm sure you have at some point been blamed for it as if it was a deliberate choice.

"You enjoy being miserable."
"You are simply a lazy person unwilling to put in the effort or think you are above it"
"You don't really want anything"
"You are spoiled"
"You are a parasite dodging responsibility"

I think it's an unwillingness to try to understand other people and the belief that the world is fair and everyone gets what they deserve. I think what looks like laziness is a lack of a focused goal and lack of confidence and positive reinforcement. But I am biased being depressed myself so idk.

I'm going broke, and I really don't know how to deal with this fact. I went to 4 doctors to treat it, but none of them worked, and no matter how many medications I took, I was never able to overcome this problem. But these only caused me terrible side effects, such as fatigue, weight gain, apathy, a lot of disinterest in everything, and alopecia, but they were never able to attack the impulses. Violence never stops.
Sometimes I blame my family for raising me in such a violent environment, but then I think it's better to bury the past and look forward. But sometimes it is difficult, since it is not about the violence of 10 or 15 years ago, it is about things sometimes from less than a week ago.

I feel like an alcoholic, where instead of keeping a place free of that poison, it is offered to me in all shapes, sizes, colors and flavors.

Hello, wizards. Do you remember the moment when you was born? I dont remember too. Lets not speak about processes in babies brain, Im here to ask you a question. Have you ever think about how the first -homo was scared when he realized his existence?
Its fucking insane how trivally kid making has become. When I ask my mother, why she decided to make family and born me, she said some shit about glass of water, giving joy of life to someone; something about peak of love between man and succubus and so on. And now imagine to realize the moment of born. Realize, that you was brought from eternal dark… "here". I dont speak about antinatalism, though I like the idea. I speak about dread of giving and taking life. I already have tread here, called "Siberian apprentice shizo ideas". Its about self consciousness. And I would like to connect it to that post.

And now, lets forget about biology. Lets think about world where kids born already conscious. Their scream is not about pain. Its about realisation of their parents …punishment on them. Its about being doomed, being a cell on a mad and cruel Gods body, who rot in all dimensions, in past, in future.

Actually, I want to bring all my thoughts in order and write a small book or article cycle about shit in my head. If you find it interesting, let me know and I will translate it from Russian to let you read it.

I mean, what can you really say?
Why not? Why not stop the fucking charade if you're really ready? Because some cunt on the internet types to you "it gets bedder bro!" But what if it doesn't.
It may not get better. It may only get worse. You may only grow in your perception of life's falsity, it's vanity, it's total fucking bushtit. And really, who cares? Every life, every person is a small fry. One fucker offing himself does nothing to the global balance, it only improves his being and eases his burden of bearing of the cross of life's woes.
So why not? Why not end it?
I don't because my life is easy enough and replete with enough worthless time wasters to keep myself interested a little bit longer. But what happens if and when those run out? What happens when the well of whiskey and other distractions fails me?
A rope, a running car in the garage, a 357. to the skull, whatever. Just make it quick and easy to clean up.
Any what's the loss anyways? Nothing, there was nothing to begin with.

At what point is it objectively justifiable to give up? I'm 21 (nearly 22) and I've only worked dead end jobs and never even come close to being in a relationship with anyone. I tried, but there's just been so many negative experiences in my life (mostly from other people) that led me to being a shut in schizoid. I alternate between shaking with rage at my predicament and being completely numb. It's weird, I used to be such a happy kid with a bright future and now I'm just a future suicide case wading through life as if I'm on borrowed time. Anyone else feel like a animal trapped in a cage? I literally only passively exist like a fucking hamster; if I died right now, I'd be forgotten in 6 months max.

I'm so fucking ugly and disgusting
It's painful to look myself in the mirror
I wanna kill myself

Cold weather makes me sick my lungs don't tolerate cold air, I hate winter, I have to sleep with three blankets and wear heavy jackets

I wish I was dead

it makes me sad I can't create things I like. I always procrastinate and I always did d
my whole life so far. It happened at very young age; I didn't want to go to school nor learn at home or do my homework. I was always playing flash games on the computer or play ps2 or nintendo DS and after that ps3. I didn't lile myself for that and itt continues nowdays. I don't know why I proscratinate. I hate doing things, in fact I was never used to that. I've never learn doing things by myself, always mom or dad did things for me, my mom did the cooking and my dad told me to do sport. I never listened, I just stayed at home in front of my tv. oh yeah the TV…watching programs in my bedroom all night long…it was comfy, at night you weren't bothered by others because I was kind of alone (my brother was sleeping) in front of the tv with no remorse of doing so because it was comfy and calm.
I think it's because of tv, video games and internet (smartphone addiction came way late).
when I discovered 4chan, I knew there will be no turning back: I totally "internetized" now. I'm am completly focuses on internet everyday. now it's not 4chan but wizchan I use and for a good reason: no succubi wanted me, maybe because I was too poor…all these factors made me a procrastinate person. when you're poor there'snt so much to do besode doing your home work and going to sport. no music lesson, or traveling during vacancy (just stay at home).
I know it's my fault and I know why it's because I didn't had MY things. I wish I had a computer just for me.
Anyway, in few years, I'll be 30 with no-skill wizard because it will be too late.
I wanted to know how to draw (but when I tried my drawings were so unmatch I gave up)
I wanted to create a video game (I tried some with rpg maker but I didn't made shit, just few maps and some events)
I wanted to do a lot of sport
(I wish I wasn't shy, which killed the social part of my life; so no sport because fear of others)
music playing (piano guitar drums, all I wanted to do was those but no money, family too poor)
science
(I really like science but am a brainlet)
technology and computers and coding
(I tried python, all I did was the hello world)
in fact I'm waiting a miracle to happen to me so I can do things and not procrastinating but I know it will not come: I don't leave my house, so no miracle for me.
Nowdays all I do is posting in wizchan and watch youtube vPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

How are we supposed to get used to loneliness and the fact that our life is fucked up?
Here's my resume: never had any friends, bullied during school, uni dropout but basically never went to high school, very poor (no income), obviously never had any gf, the last time I talked someone my age was since high school basically. I can't get used to the loneliness… I also have a very poor health, and no one to help me with it.

What's your life status and how do you cope with it?

I personally try to cope with video games, anime and a bit of drug (alcohol and opioid mostly). But that hardly works… Sometimes I'm into my game or I'm high enough to be ok, but most of the time I'm depressed or suffering or both. I wish I were dead since I'm 12, I'm 25 now.

Studying is the bane of my existence. Honestly, it feels like some cosmic joke designed to torture me. If hell exists, it’s just endless exams and textbooks. And then there’s me, stuck in a third-world circus, India. Yeah, the same one where people will skin you alive if you don’t follow their playbook of “success.” I flunked college once—no, wait, make that twice—and let me tell you, the outrage was unreal. It’s like I committed a war crime. My parents? Oh, they hate me now, I can feel it in the awkward silences and side-eyes. And it’s not just the failing part; they’re terrified I’ll be mooching off them forever. Hell, I’m terrified of it.

And then, there’s this bloody exam looming over me. I’ve tried. I really have. But the more I study, the more it evaporates from my brain like it’s allergic to knowledge. It’s absurd. Who invented this nightmare? They deserve jail time. Every time someone so much as mentions studying, I break out in a cold sweat. I’ve literally fainted over it. Fainted! But does anyone care? No. Society looks at me like I’ve personally slaughtered their pets just because I failed at college. Twice. Wait till they hear that little update. I’ll probably be excommunicated.

At this point, I’m done. D-O-N-E. I don’t want to study anymore. I’d rather stare into the void. And oh, don’t even get me started on the “what could have been.” If I were a white guy in a first-world country, I’d be coasting on social safety nets and “find yourself” gap years. Or better yet, if I were a succubus here, at least I’d have the sweet, sweet option of getting married off and chilling with household chores. Instead, I’m this miserable, broke, perpetually judged disaster of a person.

Anyway, cheers to another sleepless night before failing yet another exam. Life’s a circus, and I’m the clown. Take a bow, idiot.