/dep/ - Depression

/proxy/ thread
who here knows they're not real anymore? how do you come back without the curse totally leaving? do I need stimulant drugs? how do I stop being blamed for things other people have said and done and been responsible for? I think that's why it's happening.

Recently I discovered that the only friend I had has been lying about everything to the point where the person they presented themselves as to me is mostly fictional, my whole family has npd and has been lying and gaslighting me my whole life and most other people I meet in public or had met in school always ignored me or treated me different, as if they put on a mask only when interacting with me. It seems as if this is done collectively by countless people everywhere, as if the whole world is conspiring against a select few such as me. Does anyone else expirience this? It makes me question how real the world I live in is, it seems as if everything was scripted and planned out. pic related. Does anyone else feel this way?

Roommates, landlords, family, family's guests? Am I alone? I want to know what others have experienced. To not feel so alone in being victimized like this.

I bought a lockable doorknob and made a copy of the key it came with for my mother at her request. Supposedly for emergencies, if I was ever locked out.

When I finally was locked out, she would not produce a key. She always keeps her keys out on display near the front door for her live-in boyfriend to grab. The most logical explanation to me is that he took them, because he has little respect for boundaries, and acts out maliciously towards me to assert his dominance.

She of course, won't accept this, and gives him the benefit of the doubt, and assumes they just fell off or something. I remember putting them on securely.

This morning, I was accused by this boyfriend of 'hiding' my keys in my room. I have a copy of the mail key and he feels he is somehow owed access to the mailbox whenever he likes, even though I pay rent and he doesn't, he gets mail here.

I know this was malicious because mail isn't even delivered on Sundays. I said as much but he said he wanted to check it anyway, even though I had checked it TWICE the previous day.

I brought my key down for him to use to just try and make it pass… and he just takes it and DRIVES OFF WITH IT. Those are keys I need to be able to leave the house… to lock the front door, to lock my room…

He came back something like an hour later but hasn't replaced the keys by the door yet. I looked below and they had not fallen off.

I simple seethe with anger because I refuse to start a public fight. I know my mom must get horny for this kind of drama and it makes me sick. But eventually I'm going to snap. I shoved the fridge after he left and I noticed he had taken the keys… I will feel an urge to break things again and again, and I have been giving into that urge over and over.

I hate how he just plays nice, talks chipper, meanwhile having secretly acted out against me and not telling my mom he did that.

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How do you stop being obsessed with a person or thing? Obsession and addiction are major sources of depression for me and I need to break my downward spiral.

I think the world has finally become a fucked up enough place that there needs to be a new type of motivational speaker. The traditional motivational speaker tells you the world is your oyster, you can do anything, you just have to change your outlook and your behavior and thoughts and you will be transformed into a beautiful butterfly. It's basically brainwashing to make people join in on the normie delusions of capitalism where everyone is gonna be a millionaire someday if they just believe hard enough and work hard enough. This is clearly all bullshit. So clearly bullshit in fact that I can't believe it's still a thing.

What we need instead is people to explain to depressed people why they're actually depressed without any bullshit. How and why the world is fucking them over in invisible ways that make everything pointless and make them depressed mo matter what they do. In other words, we need demotivational speakers to tell people that it's okay to give up because everything is fucked and it's not their fault. I think this would make people feel better because at least it's not a lie and it doesn't put all the blame for their own unhappiness on themselves.

On a thousand islands in the sea
I see a thousand people just like me
A hundred unions in the snow
I watch them walking, falling in a row
We live always underground
It's going to be so quiet in here tonight
A thousand islands in the sea
It's a shame

Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.

Akira Yamaoka - Ripe Black Soul: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=44IHB8qSUJ4

So how do I learn to live with my body for the rest of my days on this Earth, I wake up every morning feeling utterly empty and lack the motivation to move on. I feel like a direct result of constant bullying, I am also the ugliest guy I know, I could pass as an elderly person if j actually tried to LARP.

Even though I'm almost 30, I can't let go of the resentment toward my mom. I tried to read many online posts on forgiveness, but it's difficult. My mom was old and poor (40+, welfare) when she had me with a 40+ year old, short (5'1"), ugly (100% Jew), poor (homeless living in a tent), sociopath (killed small animals for fun, abusive etc). Not only was I screwed genetically, but I grew up poor and isolated in a dysfunctional "home" in the countryside (Would have been nice if not for my mom). My mom became a single mom due to her terrible choice in partner. I wasn't fed proper meals or even taught to brush my hair. I became isolated from peers from a young age. There was no public transportation, I relied on my mom. There was no extended family (they are also crazy though), nobody. I became isolated from my peers early on because I couldn't even discuss tv shows (we didn't have tv) and had holes in my clothing.

When I should have been learning and enjoying childhood, I was cleaning around my mom's hoard (hoarder) and trying to cook for myself. If I tried to pile her garbage from the floor she would screech at me for hours that I threw something out (even if I didn't). She would follow me around the house screaming at the top of her lungs, knowing there were no neighbors to witness her behavior. Once some neighbors walked by and saw the hoard, threatening to call CPS. I wish they had. At least once per week since 1st grade my mom would scream that if I didn't go to college, I'd end up like my father. I finally chose to study Computer Science, but she yelled at me for months until her voice gave out to choose Business. When I tried to discuss Marketing she physically attacked me. I was too isolated and brainwashed to go against her. She hadn't even saved for my college, I'm now $20,000 in debt.

As I said, I'm almost 30. There were times I thought of writing a cooking blog, but her hoarder house background was too disgusting for photos. Many times I wanted to learn new skills, and I would actively be learning when she would slam my door open (she cut a hole in it to remove the lock) and scream in my face when there was a bug infestation or other hoarder issue. Despite being a terrible mother, she bragged to everyone that she was amazing. People didn't realize I was quiet not because I was well-behaved, but because I was scared. In college, I spent my vacations cleaning her house without throwing any of her junk out. She would scream at me whePost too long. Click here to view the full text.