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/dep/ - Depression

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When I was younger, around 20-25 years old, I was highly driven, motivated, outgoing, hopeful and physically fit. I had even graduated college. Then, the year I turned 26, I destroyed my right shoulder, left leg, totaled my car, dropped out of the trade school I was in, lost my job, became an alcoholic, and was THIS close to killing myself. Obviously I didn't since I'm posting here now at 29. I even went back to school and graduated for the trade and got the "dream job." Also stopped drinking 3 months ago.

However. since that year I haven't felt that happiness I once had. All of the things I had built up for myself were taken away all at once. I used to enjoy doing multiple martial arts, running, swimming, gaming, and learning new things. I just don't get the same enjoyment or excitement out of any of that stuff anymore. I don't know what to do any more. Do I just keep living even though I hate it? Just so I don't make my mother upset that I killed myself? It's just not good any more. Hasn't been for years.
21 posts omitted. Click reply to view.


You're gone. There is no fixing this. Your life will never have value again.


^ whom does he talk to?


This. I've also lost everything I had due to external circumstances, then painstakingly rebuilt it all back over years and years of sweat, tears and hard work.

It doesn't feel the same the second or third time around. All emotions and feelings of joy are very muted, it's like you're a dead zombie roaming the Earth in a living body.


This. This. And once again this.


I concur. This is exactly how I feel, or rather, don't feel.
But there must be a way back. I believe the damage is reversible.


Health - undiagnosed gastrological problems, lost half my weight, couldn't breathe normally for a year, NAFLD, IBS, schizoid personality, mixed anxiety-depression, all teeth dying, always in pain or unbearable agony or feeling like i'm dying, benzo addiction, exhaustion, inability to function, move, eat, work like a normal person, heart arrythmias, breathing problems, stomach pains, teeth pain, head pain, eyesight problems, heartburn, huge scoliosis etc. etc.

Money - after making a ton of money in crypto eventually I started losing it and giving money away due to depression and suicidal ideation, so after 2 years of psychiatry and therapy i went to the best psychiatric hospital where they scammed me out of 6 figures and said they can't help me. Rest went to physicians for normal health problems, nobody really helped, they misdiagnosed me and tried to treat non-existing conditions, spent a year going from doctor to doctor for my symptoms until i ran out of money, now i'm left with infinite tax debt. Dropped out of school at 18, can't work any normal job due to physical mental social problems and inability to do simplest things, not that anyone would hire me.

Social - my family is insane and insanely stupid, they don't care and won't do anything even if you writhe in pain in front of them, or start dying in front of them. I don't speak to them since years and I would do things to them I'd rather not write about. Never had my own room, and shared a PC with 2 forever unemployed mentally ill brothers till I was 20. Never had a chance to live or function like a normal person. Never had a single relationship, a friend, never felt love in any form for anyone in my family or otherwise. I am socially at a level of a 4 year old.

Oh, I also can't do basic chores and never learned how to function like a normal human being. And I lost all my hobbies and copes since there's no point. So why am I still here, you ask? No reason, apart from my cowardice. I first thought about suicide probably 12 years ago, drowning in my bathtub. But i quickly decided it was just a fantasy and I will do it via train. Nothing's changed, only available methods are brutal and scary and i'm the biggest coward you will ever meet in the universe. But, there is no choice. Suicide started as a comforting fantasy, then a choice, and then a necessity you beg for every day. I hope I manage to die today. There is no point in doing anything or thinking about anything or feelinPost too long. Click here to view the full text.
7 posts omitted. Click reply to view.


If you have money, health problems can be solved, mental problems can be treated, addictions can also be by going to a help center, of course you are going to suffer great withdrawal and want to tear your eyes out, and psychiatric treatments will have quite bad effects on your organism but in everything you would be fine. It won't be easy, and you will have many setbacks along the way, but if you continue you will reach a point where everything will be fine.

>I also can't do basic chores and never learned how to function like a normal human being. And I lost all my hobbies and copes since there's no point.

Life has no meaning or reason for being, the meaning is in what we give it. And now, voluntarily or involuntarily, the meaning of your life is to suffer, and live in constant agony. It may be different, but it depends on you.

>I've been alone since birth till death, nobody ever helped me or understood me or cared about me.

You feel alone because of the rejection from your family, from "society", and your problem is not understanding that the problem is not really you or your way of being, but rather them. That's why you do nothing but comment on your problems in an anonymous forum where there are more or less people like you.
You can tell from miles away that you just want to feel accepted, in a group, or in some similar shit, but you're never going to achieve it if you can't accept your past mistakes and sins, and forgive them.


is longecity just a meme, tho? or is it legitimate? is it related to either lesswrong or lesserwrong?


It's the elite biohacker brain, longevity, and health forum. Do not post if you're a new guy, almost nobody goes is active anymore. Lurk the archives and know what you're looking for to get some very detailed and handy answers. About x2.5 better than reddit


poland. you cant help me, even god couldn't, if he existed.
wow, you are a genius, just get infinite money and solve your problems. as if you missed the part where i explained im broke in debt and cant make money, in fact im in constant physical and mental pain that makes me want to blow my brains out. i wish i was born american.
and, even money doesn't always help. i had a lot of money and i was scammed out of it, doctors misdiagnosed me and tried treating non-existing diseases, etc etc. humans suck even if you pay them. you know nothing.
surely a broken life will be fixed by supplements. you should try going to church, at least praying is free and nearly as effective.


I tried various nootropics, supplements, and pharmaceutical drugs over the years to fix whatever is wrong with me, but it never worked. I think it's because the root cause of my problems was actually caused by emotional neglect in childhood. That has permanently fucked up my self esteem and caused irreparable social anxiety and avoidance.

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 No.283721[Reply][Last 50 Posts]

If my problems were purely emotional I think I could cope. But I have physical flaws that make me feel like a freak and hated by anyone who isn't family. I've got Seb derm on my face, and I've seen many dermatologists and tried every over the counter treatment possible, but nothing in the long-term has helped. It looks awful and the only option I have to is to wear cover-up (though I'm a guy), but that's noticeable too. I also have head tremors that look especially odd when I walk or drive a car. And on top of that i have a stutter, which can only be hidden when i don't talk (obviously), but is quite noticeable in most conversations. These things make me terribly anxious to be around people. I've tried to come to terms with my physical flaws, but I just can't. Every time I go outside I feel like everyone's eyes are on me. I'm jealous of people whose problems are just mental.
107 posts and 3 image replies omitted. Click reply to view.


a visit is expensive, yes. but you wrote:
> the most difficult thing to get besides an organ transplant
which is nonsense. you can get an appointment in one month.


Not that poster, but in Brazil you will pay USD 800 just to talk to a dermatologist, it's seen as a luxury service even if you have skin conditions.

That is before a single procedure is done on your skin which costs thousands or tens of thousands.
So most just suck it up and live with their horrible skin, except the rich. The wait times to talk to a dermatologist can be very long because there are so few of them.


Could you please post what you did try?


> in Brazil you will pay USD 800 just to talk to a dermatologist
that sounds really fucked for brazilian wizzies


In the US they are just normal doctors. Insurance won't cover it though unless you have a serious issue like melanoma or something.

[Last 50 Posts]

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I'm literally repulsive, I've been doing it since pre-K. You have your quiet nerd introvert types, and they are inoffensive and can be friends with others like them. And then you have the true freaks, that no one, not even nerds can stand to be around.

I guess its classic Aspergers. Like if I was going to start with a list of my traits that annoy people, it would be a list down the DSM V. Obsessiveness, fixation, monologuing, inability to read people, inappropriate sense of humor. Its like I get so fixated on topics. And even if I'm trying to avoid my own aspie fixations, and talk about someone else's interest in the weather, I'll lecture on the theory of meteorology.

Even on the internet when I'm just text on the screen, even right here on Wizchan, I find myself annoying people and becoming X-guy. Even on the most innocuous topics I attract negative attention and irritate people. If I only talked about the weather they'd say oh look cloud-poster is at it again.

Not only have I never had a friend, I've never had anyone want to have a conversation with me for 5 minutes. Tons of times, I think we've having friendly chitchat, making a good connection, they are intrigued by me. But the proof is in the pudding. And however good I think an interaction went, no one ever wants to chat another 5 minutes with me at another time.

I think of myself as an open-minded guy, willing to chat with anyone about virtually any topic, and be friendly about it. Somehow millions of guys with terrible nasty personalities somehow have friends.

I also have a retard, monotone, flat lisp. And I'd blame it on that, except that I have the same experience even as just text on a screen. It just seems so terrible to be around me. Yet if I'm honest, I can't stand listening to 10 seconds of my voice on recording. So I don't have much tolerance for me either.
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>And if anything for decades I had too much self-confidence. I believed there was good and charm in me, and that I just needed to put myself out there. Yet the more peers got to know me the more they disliked me
I used to think that I just need more practice socializing and that I'm just shy in social situations as if it could be fixed any moment, failing to accept my neurodivergence. The worst thing for me was my fathers constant gaslighting, he would always convince me that everything is normal and that im just shy and I would get into bad situations all the time, he also told therapists that im different at home and not 'shy' because I would sperg out and go on schizo ramblings at home and he thought that's proof that im normal at home lol. If I just had one person who actually was interested in me and honest then I could have made progress way earlier because I wasted years trying to fix something that can't be fixed.


>Their behavior just turns nasty instantly.
Because they dehumanize you, consciously or subconsciously. You shouldn't waste time at all seeking friendships with neurotypicals unless you come across one who you have genuine chemistry with and is a decent person.

That's not to say spergs can't be cruel, but you're more likely develop something at least with your kin.


I can often identify fellow autists instantly by their voice, gait, body language.
Neurotypicals react to it instinctively and interpret it in very strange ways, such as thinking you're intentionally rude, suspicious or disgusting


have you tried cognitive therapy, OP?


Once a long time ago I was recommended to do that for impulsivity. Do you think it's good?


I'm too stubborn to love myself there is no reason to. No foundation or qualities just a thing that exists. I feel there is a loving hand placed on me begging me to let it in but I can't bring myself to it. Maybe there is something about loving your lower being before accepting the higher being. But not all lower state of beings are equal for everyone. Some are ambitious and driven, others are able to take charge and intimidate. Then there are those who are subhuman. Then what is my higher self if it is not my own desired image. A subhuman who isn't angry? I want more to life than this more to my identity than just being happy, I want a sense of foundation of who I am, accomplishments, a bit of control and charisma or at least intelligent. Like Hitler, or Lenin, Karl marx, Napoleon just anything other than this mundane existence. Could care less about their political stance it's the determination that I admire. It's not the power I want it's the tools that get me the power. Then I would feel content with myself enough to accept this loving hand of grace. It knocks but I can't open. It's not that I refuse to open it it's just so foreign to just let go of a deep desire. This hand shown me how trivial it is but it doesn't mean i am still not satisfied of how I am made. What now?


It's literally crazy to think you should play the leading role in history like Napoleon or something. I can relate to being a subhuman though. Ultimately all my problems come down to being weak and incapable.


I know it's absurd but at least a small raid or clan that I can start in a game I play or something temporary like that. But not even that. I just want to be the spear head for something and I guess that where my tendency to cause mischief comes from


Well, is there anything that you like about yourself?


Im so tired of democracy and how giving life to a dysgenic mutt to be socially criticized for being "lazy" or "stupid" with a life of unfulfillment and emotional issues is objectively better than eugenics. The same douchebags that look down on us advocate to allow people like us to breed. Not to mention the whores YES WHORES AS IN LIKE ALL FUCKING FEMALES have a temper when you suggest they get sterilized. The SAME WHORES who look down on us the product of MUH FREEDOM AND BODILY AUTONOMY. and punish us for existing from the shit genes they gave us. it pisses me off the level of hypocrisy and sadism. Them having periods isnt enough suffering to equivelate to our suffering. Society is still sympathetic towards them and their issues so its not enough. They dont deserve human rights AT ALL if what the abominations they create arent human at all. Yes I see our kind "subhuman mutts" like me as disgusting but at least I am the sympathy enough to get a vasectomy I sympathize for them so much NOT TO GIVE LIFE TO THEM not to GIVE LIFE TO THEM AND THEN PUNISH THEM. IM SO SICK OF THEM THEIR ENTITLEMENT TO REPRODUCE NEEDS TO END NOW. I HATE THEM SO MUCH NO WORDS CAN EXPRESS MY HATRED. FUCKING NIGGER SPAWNS FUCK YOU I HOPE YOU GET RAPED BY THE SOULS OF THE ABORTED MUTTS YOU CONVIEVED AND BIRTHED, IN HELL YOU FUCKING WHORES.


>>>/b/ I guess


not a bad wish, wizard friend.


when you get to age 50 you can finally cast a global sterile curse, warlock


I've always felt like there is a specific subgroup of people that were born to be successful, and the rest are those who gaslight themselves into thinking that their lives are “decent” or those who simply lost hope. No specific talents or aspirations, no deep connections with others.
There are even specific voices that people find pleasant to listen to, while others have to find ways to make themselves heard. At some point I wanted to be heard too. I had Ideas, I had Opinions or Wants.
I live invisibly, cutting off all of my “relationships” before they even start, because I understand that my mental state is a barrier from anything healthy. IF people like me disappear, it wouldn’t change much: it is not a corny feeling, it is an actual fact.
I am now physically sick whenever I am at my workplace, so I quit a week ago. Antisocial and anxious thoughts got the best of me, I guess.
I have a plan and conditions ready to end my life, and I am not bitter about it anymore. Just was curious to maybe hear from other deeply alienated people like myself.
11 posts omitted. Click reply to view.


>how are your days as a NEET going?
Not very good I'm looking for the most reliable suicide method


That might have been the word OP was looking for yet that doesn't change the essence of what he was trying to say.



Yeah but those guys dont have it made. Tall, good looking men with good paying Office Jobs have it made. Its like bragging youre tall at 6’1. No, youre tall at 6’4


Foid hands typed this.


success is genetic but this is hard to accept for the dumb masses of lying norpers.

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Share this where you can, if it should be shared. Say Anon wrote it or Ignoto.

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"Such deaths are one of the oddly distributed taxes that are levied against gigantic change."
Previous thread:


Why create a new thread when the others didn't even hit the bump limit?

Anyways, I'm not killing myself.

I love the wizard life and that's never going to change :D


Bottom post is only noticed by those who scroll down. I hope that's true. This is recognition not offered by people in his place today. And any who are oddly taxed "with the old supports gone and leading strings snapped" are no less so if they don't kill themselves.


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Artists' suicides come before the future and the complex difficulty of the time.


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"It must inevitably take its place as the standard work on suicide."


If you suffer from depression you probably experienced people calling you lazy or trying to gotcha you by psychoanalyzing that you subconsciously enjoy being miserable and that's why you don't do anything. If you disagree then you will be called in denial or making excuses.

What do you think?

I think someone who is lazy evades responsibilities but will put in effort into the things they enjoy like going out with friends. But if you don't do anything, even let yourself go and can't even be bothered to do stuff others do for fun then to me that's clearly depression.

I feel a lot of regret and hate myself for letting myself go but then when I do think of trying to start doing something like cooking or exercise or reading it feels so difficult because I have almost no energy and don't feel satisfaction from achieving something. I thought I could find a way to bypass feelings and function on logic alone but I don't think it's possible because in the end we are biological beings and need to feel pleasure for motivation.
8 posts omitted. Click reply to view.


Did anon say he is depressed due to homelessness? Depression can come out of nowhere if sunlight is scarce.

Also "bleeding" was figurative there. I'll let you guess what I really meant.

You should address each comment before answering their lines. But yes, depression sometimes comes from not following basic brain regulations, not saying that this be the almighty panacea

>I don't need constant sunlight, I don't need to work myself to exhaustion at the gym, I don't need to eat a perfect diet.
Nobody spoke about perfections here. Such quick way to escalate!

>let's just say that salt makes a dish of fish a bit more tasteful


>it's that all those bullshit advice givers fear paying taxes so others might actually have a life worth living
Dubiously, since those would then suffer a subsequent tax increase. It's middle class who pays for this scam of a society.


>Depression can come out of nowhere if sunlight is scarce.

bruh is just not sunbathing enough



>my case is worse so this cannot be real for others
>not giving a damn if it is, stay feeling like shit cos I can't get it through



Please learn how to cite posts properly.


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