/dep/ - Depression

>>206190
you are so wrong, i speak from many years of observation and personal experience.
i am sooooo glad i never was dragged into any of it.

5 years into wizardhood. I still feel like I have the mental age and capacity of a dumb child.

>>204027
I'm 25 in two weeks. The path to wizardhood is long but I'll get there.

>>205901
>Wizardly predicament.
Why is it a predicament, if you don't desire succubi?
This doublethink has always mystified me.
I am just plain not interested in succubi. Or men.

Im an ugly crab and have turned down many succubi for dates.

>>204096
i do this too but way more fucking extreme and im scared when people touch my hand. i do the normal finger destroying habits like just picking at the sides of the tips and destroying nails. i also play guitar so the strings wear down my fingers a bit but its microscopic compared to the other stuff

it all started when one time i was showering and i noticed a white spot of dead skin on the underside of my thumb joint so i picked at it and after a while it became hardened, and then it happened to the joint connecting my thumb to my hand, and then the other hand same thing. that part is easy to hide because i can just scrunch up my fingers and no one will see but i will explain later why that doesnt work. probably the worst thing about my hands are the big lumps of white hardened skin on top of my thumb joints. they are really, really, noticeable and people have pointed it out to me asking if it was cancer or something but i have to convince them its just hardened skin. the lumps kind of feel like plastic because of how smooth they are. the lumps are so big at this point that it looks like the bone is poking out of my thumb and making it look lopsided. these areas are tormented so much that i can just peel what i assume to be the entire epidermis off like a blanket and then the red part below that will hurt for a while

i usually use nailclippers to take the skin off now because theyre so much more efficient and i can get a deeper cut with them. the nailclippers really just make it a lot weirder to the touch because you can feel the grooves where it went in and the skin doesnt grow back too well in between the grooves. i use the nailclippers on my fingertips and they are smooth like the lumps on my thumb. i have been working on the faces of my fingers and i probably wont have fingerprints soon. i dont like getting in pools or going to the beach either because ive done the same thing to my feet. there are massive patches of hardened white skin on different points on my foot.

my fingers can bend backwards up to 90 degrees and that has led to the skin around my fingers being completely destroyed/hardened by stretching from frequent knuckle cracking. one of my thumbs can bend backwards which is the thing that prevents me from being able to hide the hardened underside skin on my thumb because if i try to my thumb will spaz out and go intPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

>>204659
I hope you're not the same person who posted this thread…

>>204659
I relate to this. I have all sorts of skin-related rituals and ticks. I used to pick at my fingers and feet constantly like you describe. I used nail clippers as well and have scars. I spend hours on compulsions like this and have all sorts of strange scars.

In fact right before reading this I spent an hour scrubbing skin off my back to expose the fresh layer beneath. Once I started I couldn't stop.

>>204096
>>204659
I picked and tore at my cuticles and nail folds practically all the time for years and years, practically from when I was little, all through school and uni. I would pick at the cuticles until I tore into the skin and it started bleeding, then tear at the edge of skin so that it would come off in strings, sometimes as far back as the knuckle. There would be blood running down my fingers and I would use the corner of a piece of paper or book to dig under the nail fold and into the freshly torn skin. I did use nail clippers as well, when I had those around I would use the curved end of the nail file to dig out the cuticle, and then the actual clippers to cut off bits of skin, or to hold on to a piece of skin and then peel it back. Then I would suck on the blood. I couldn't even stop doing it.

Anyway, at some point I started taking some vitamins and eating slightly better, and my skin healed and the entire urge mostly just went away. Sometimes I catch myself "feeling up" my thumb with my other fingers, and if there was a bit of dried skin I would probably pick at it, but there isn't so I don't. It still comes back when I let myself go, the last time I stayed with my parents I caught myself doing it after about a week. Not sure if it's the shitty food my mother serves or just the stress of being around them.

I don't remember doing it to my feet and for some reason I always avoided my fingertips. I have no idea if that would help anyone and I'm not telling anyone to do anything (maybe you already eat well, I have no idea), but that's just my experience with doing it and then not doing it without really trying to stop.

>>204096
people always say i have weird finger because of the same problem, thanks anxiety

>>206128
>also why the fuck are female managers always on huge power trips?
Psychological projection. They want someone to power trip over and dominate them.
>i hate my job, how do i quit it without feeling bad?
Don't tell any family. Quit. Move. When you think about how bad you feel, think, "That place is X miles away, nobody here knows me from there." If your family finds out and gives shit about it say, "That happened {X amount of time} ago." If they give you shit for not telling them, say, "You never asked until now"/blame it on your general social autism.

>>206128
whats your job??? i used to have female managers and it was one of the main causes to me being my theater job of three years one of them used to yell at me and i almost caught an assault charge trying to beat her lmao.

>>206128
>also why the fuck are female managers always on huge power trips?
Above middle management, you mean? Compensating for not having a cock. They have to out-dick the male managers to prove that they can be every bit as backstabbing, cutthroat, and selfish as the rest of the traditionally male capitalist ruling class.

If you find a solution let me know.

I also hate my job.

My boss is an insufferable incompetent cunt and my senior coworkers enjoy bullying me for their amusement.

I keep taking it because I need the money and the work experience.

I don't know what to do otherwise.

I remember reading a while back that office environment should be avoided at all costs for wizards. I wish I'd heeded that advice back then.

>>206129
>>206136
i work at an iga

>Are you planning?
No. I'll just die.

>>206203
If you're like me and poor and not savvy or dysfunctional enough to get neetbux then sadly I think it is best to find a humble job with little potential for norman drama like janitor, groundskeeper, or nightwatchman. Then you can get away from the parents, which is almost always a good thing and have autonomy and greater simplicity.

Sometimes though, I wonder if homelessness could really be worse than working.

>>206203
If your home life is shit, then I urge you to support yourself ASAP. Honestly, if your family is damnable, then it's not worth bearing it in exchange for a carefree NEET-life. I am happier to be on my own than when I was sponging off my family - they're worthless, dysfunctional people that don't deserve the luxury of breathing. At least now I have the bulk of my stress coming from working, but that's manageable. You might have to start small, but it might be worth it if it gets you away from toxic people.

>>206228
Sure. And we can do this as long as you want. That is, unless you actually have a point you wanna make.

>>206229
Predetermined to make this long

Depends on the articles you read and the mindset you have. If you come into it with the implicit mindset of trying to find all the ways you don't have control, that's all you'll see. Keep in mind that any single perspective is simply not enough to encompass the entire complexity of human behavior. Certain perspectives offer valuable insight but they are almost always reductionistic and simply dismiss many variables in order to lower complexity and find a coherent theory.

I read psychology in order to find ways of improving my mind by applying various theories and perspectives. I don't trust (((peer-reviewed))) studies financed by pharma companies but instead look to integrate various perspectives into some coherent whole that makes sense in terms of my own experience. Mainstream psychology is weary of the "unconscious" and yet I can experience that I'm guided by various unconscious rules and variables daily, they tell me everything is chemicals and yet I understand intuitively that humans are organisms embodied in an environment and isolating the mind makes no sense because we do not live in a vacuum.

Psychology can help you direct your sense of control to finer elements. For people with working mental systems they can be ignorant of their mental processes and apply control to "just do it" and other kinds of seemingly simplistic ways of working in the world. As your motivational systems are breaking down you use psychology to apply control to the building blocks until it's all in place and you can be ignorant of it too. Even with knowledge of your systems if they're working your experience stands separate from the knowledge.

Unless your committing suicide then you can make assumptions on the best view to have, believing you can build control of the finer elements of mind and separating from the cultural norm. Most people are not aware of themselves, begging aware of yourself and psychology is a different environment which may have different outcomes.

>>206229
>want
What are you talking about, everyone is just automatons with no agency, you can't 'want' anything, in fact the mind doesn't even exist everything is just atoms bumping into each other that's what Bill Nye says it must be true

>>205835
The thing that makes video games (and hobbies in general) fun is the contrast to something you don't want to be doing but have to do. You come from school/work and you play some games. You transition from something you don't like to something you do like.

But what if video games were the only thing you do. I believe this applies mostly to hikkies and NEETs, but you do get my point?

There are no activities that are actually fun. There are only activities you like doing and the ones you don't.

>>205838
>>205836
>>205835

I actually have a job as a dishwasher but it's still not fun. I just get really bored and feel like it's a bunch of meaningless checklists I have to complete for no reward. Whenever I try to play a game or watch TV I get a very strong urge to stop and do something else. Your asking someone who rarely drinks why he isn't an alcoholic, its just not fun to drink for him, his brain is rewired differently.

I don't play video games or watch much TV anymore these days anyway, despite having a job I sleep 14+ hours a day, the rare chance I'm not super tired I just browse YouTube, or pace around my room and think about stuff.

yes exactly this
I cannot do it anymore because it jsut feels like chores
on a good day I can play video games for 2 hours straight or watcha movie in one run

>>204330
>>204335
Never have related to anything on the internet as much as this. I keep track of every movie/show/anime i've watched. I feel guilty whenever I rewatch something, I feel like I'm wasting time by not watching something new. The worst part about all of this is that we will constantly be playing catch up.

>>204330
I tend to put autistic prerequisites on even getting to my backlog in the first place–like, "finish organizing my desktop", "configure this video player to be perfect", or even just "do this chore". It comes down to two things: first off, in my brain, I feel unsettled unless I've gotten all of the other things checked off my to-do list, and secondly, I also have this autistic sense of perfectionism where I positively can't enjoy something unless it's in the most optimized environment, and in the most perfected way. I guess as a recent example, I started playing some emulated games–it wasn't enough for me to just sit down and play them with the controllers I had on hand, I –had– to buy a controller specifically for it, and I did a ton of research to make sure I bought a good one, and even then I spent hours autistically tweaking it when it wasn't to my liking. It's hard for me to explain, the simplest way to put it is I guess it's just OCD. Anyway, I tend to be too lazy to actually do any of this, so I just take the neutral route and brainlessly browse the internet.

Even when I get over these autistic hurdles and actually get to my backlog, it just feels like a chore. I find it impossible to select from such a huge list of media. I end up conflicted as to what I want to play or watch–do I play this thing that I think I'll find fun, especially if it's a really long game that'll keep me from getting to other games on my backlog? Should I prioritize games I've spent money on? Should I focus on the "classics" or notable titles I've never played/watched/read before? I do have that sense of wanting to partake in it all "before time runs out" like >>204335 says. I don't like feeling like I've missed out on seminal titles. But, as soon as you open yourself up to emulators or pirating media, suddenly your backlog expands to become nearly infinite. Lastly, even when I DO pick something to play, I just feel stressed out and try to beat it as fast as possible so I can check another game off my list.

As far as games are concerned, I think Steam is the biggest contributor to backlog syndrome. Prior to it, games were fucking expensive, and when you did get a game, you'd cherish it and play the shit out of it. Now, between Steam salePost too long. Click here to view the full text.

>>205981
OP, are you really asking why regret is a powerful emotion, or are you asking if there's any way to cope with it? Or did you just want to rant a bit (which, fair enough)?

>>205984
I think a little bit of everything. I don't know if there is a way to cope with it beyond what I already thought about.

>>205893
Atheist wizard.

Today I am feeling grateful for: having a small room for myself even if it is rented; having my wagecuck job which I actually need; for my 99th attempt at staying clean and sober (day one, again); and for being alive and free from authorities despite illnesses and wrongs done.

I am feeling guilty right now about having used and pubicly humilliated myself two days ago. I could have died, gotten myself killed, killed someone or be in jail. I am still feeling paranoid in case some co-worker saw me because I don't remember shit from that night. I feel guilty about having destroyed my family, even though I hate admitting it.

I am feeling hope that things are slightly improving day by day. Despite the odds against me I keep trying hard.

>>205893
Today I am feeling grateful for having a smooth wagecuck job. Could afford myself some nice lunch and almost got enough stomach to eat it all. I am conciously not trying to be a prick. Clean and sober day número 2, 99th attempt.

Today I am feeling very guilty about my past. I always remember I am two seconds away from being myself and ending up in a risk situation where I can harm, get harmed, get the police truck or loony ambulance; or all at the same time.

But I am pulling my shit together second by second.

Sleeping has been hard lately, it's because of the stronger episode, elaborating on that another day.

I continue to live only to spite those that I know and hate. I went to the memorial service of a classmate in high school that was a complete cunt normalfag stoner. The guy spent his years after school miserable and alone until he couldn’t take it anymore and killed himself. I was there at his memorial, having snacks and connecting with old classmates, learning that they were in student debt and hadn’t graduated college while I am debt free and at that point was about to graduate from college (and I did, with honors.)

It’s going to be fun watching all the retards from my generation sink down into the muck while I coast along, uninvolved in the damned usury that dragged them down and without a worry for this god damned illusion of a world.

>>205964
you sound like a sack of shit

>>205964
based

God, I want to die.

>>205891
Pretty much how I've been feeling about Wizchan for the past 3 years or so

Life is so meaningless, but I still don't want to die.

Someone make a new thread please

NEW THREAD:
>>2059107 >>205910