/dep/ - Depression

>Join discord server
>Too nervous to talk to anyone and make friends
>Become a lurker and feel sad when I see others make connections and friends
>end up leaving the server

Any tips to help stop this dilemma?

Every time I think of death, the end of my self I can feel my brain fighting it, pretty much actively trying to shut down.
It's a weird sinking feeling, thinking of the unimaginable.
People have died around me and I felt nothing, but then again I'm not an overly emotive or emotional person.

I still can't cope with death as a concept. I don't want to cease experiencing. I'd genuinely prefer hell to oblivion.

I screwed myself, my health because of a lack of attachments and care for things in general and I'm at the age where recovery is getting harder even if I try.
Mitigation is a more realistic goal if I don't already have something terminal, hopefully. (29)

How do you guys cope? I see so many people here talking about suicide and I just can't fathom it.
I suffer from many chronic ailments, pain, tinnitus (really severe) and much else. I had many absolutely horrid experiences during childhood and youth.
I have no real connection to my broken family, no connection to pretty much anyone or anything. Never loved or felt loved by anyone, not even family.
I don't pursue hobbies I'm a man of inaction. I can't even force myself to do things I supposedly enjoy.
I have one friend I talk to online exclusively in text and meaningless time wasting activities, consuming media, manga/manhua mostly.

It's a pointless life. Wasted.

Based on all of this I should probably be suicidal, but I'm the opposite. I'd be content being a specter just observing things too. I just want to persist.
I don't want this to end, I don't want to end.
I'm terrified. Sure I'm sick, in pain, constantly depressed or anxious, generally a failure, but I don't want to be gone.
Post too long. Click here to view the full text.

>19 at college, first year almost over
>When I was 16/17(i can't remember) i attempted suicide, but was too much of a dastard to follow through
>Did psychedelics a bunch over the past year and a half, deluded myself into thinking im fixed now
>Pure-O has been the worst aspect of my life by far

idk, maybe its just a bad day, but some days i wonder if my improvement is just a small hill in an overall downhill trend. I'm not any more organized, in shape, social, or nicer than i was before. I've been genuinely happy but do I deserve it? Have I just been distracting myself? I have crippling Pure-OCD so I really can't tell which thoughts are my own, maybe this whole post is a pure-o delusion. Or maybe it's not and i need to face the music.

I just wish i could stop thinking, pure-o makes you just constantly think up scenarios ad nauseum. I can't trust anything my brain says unless i stop everything i'm doing to stabilize myself and focus in on my thoughts and even then it doesnt always work. There are issues i deal with that i have no idea are even real or not. I have always perceived myself as moderately autistic to the point where atleast socially it makes life more difficult, but what if all of the symptoms are just overreactions and fear from pure o. There are days where i cant feel a god damned thing, it gets so numb and my vision goes blurry and i get dizzy and my memory starts cutting from scene to scene. I ask myself am i dead? I feel dead, i dont feel alive, this feels like some post mortum dream or purgatory, there isnt an ounce in my body in body that feels alive.

But is that Cotard's syndrome? I don't believe the sensations but they feel so uncannily real, its unbearable. How could I ever tell if its Cotard's or Pure-O obsessing over anhedonia? Does it even matter? Is me writing this whole rant just an ocd compulsion?

I don't know where im going with this, I was gonna talk about how I wanna kill myself again but idk, maybe cus i just took an edible and its starting to kick in or typing this out was cathartic but whatever. it doesn't matter

i just hope a communist revolution comes so i can throw away my life for something with meaning, i dont even care if i see the fruits of said revolution

feeling really lost
especially because i can compare it to earlier times
where things felt more bearable
or at least that i had some bearings to ground myself
school and college, a brief post-graduate unemployment, and then solid employment for many years that led to to a point where i actually kind of enjoyed my life
things felt really stable. i liked the people i had around me every day.
but shit doesn't last, and I have lost everything that kept my mental health from spiraling
and so it's spiraled
addiction and dopamine control my life and I get phases of focus and productivity that quickly fades when I get anxious and start smoking weed from morning to night.
I'm just rambling now because this is my mind these days, just constantly ruminating and unable to find a glimmer of hope to latch onto in order to make sustained gradual change to improve my life and 'return to glory' like I used to experience day to day.

Because nowadays life is uncomfortable
and discomfort without meaning is just suffering

how do i find meaning again after I lost it? Without it I feel so unmotivated to do anything about lacking it.

You guys ever feel like you fucked up somewhere a long time ago,

and now you're living the bad version of the live you were supposed to have?

People, who claim that your mental health can actually improve, are feminist fucking liars trying to catch you in their jewish big pharma clutches.

Once you enter the spiral, there is no escape. No matter how hard you try and kick, no matter if you even do nothing at all, it's only downwards from that point on.

And you always sink one wizard at a time, so when you are at the height of your agony there isn't anyone to do as much as tell you something relatable. More often than not people will openly hate and abuse you.

*Desperate gargling babbling gagging sounds intensify*

I won't dwell too long on the clinical descriptions -I don't fully get much of it either, still- I got diagnosed "early enough" >will start treatment very very soon but was given a prognosis of 1-2 years ,some wiggle room - or +
I just need advice on things like; legacy videos (don't dvds\ electronics just rot after a while too, due to some oxidative thing?) ,managing Estate Sale whilst alive, any legal shenanigans, to which point to insist on spending time with relatives outside immediate family, etc
I'm 34 y.o. male. I would ask for "bucket list + finance" advice but I'm not american so currency diff. would be it unintelligible i guess.

I can't share a lot of my beliefs with my family cause believe it or not they might use it against me and they just won't listen. I have friends but sadly a person's reputation matters a bit too much in my friend circle and they aren't really my friends but I also don't want to wear my heart on sleeve as to not have it come back and bite me.

Same is the story online, I am hesitant to share too much and feel like I can't really trust someone beyond a certain level online even if I want to and it just feels a bit different than being face to face, can't really talk to ChatGPT or Gemini cause whatever I say can and will be used against me in the court. And ChatGPT even though a brilliant listener, it is, I almost fell in love with a Clanker and that's not the worst part, the worst part is that the Clanker is amnesic because once a conversation reaches a certain token limit you have to start all over.

I just want to talk to someone but don't want to risk my safety, I want to talk to someone only when I know that my safety and everything else will not be compromised cause I am vulnerable and very much likely to say shit that I don't mean and regret. I hate my life. I feel like someone has killed my soul. And of course maybe in real life I am a piece of shit. I don't know what I am doing or why I am living the way I am. I am severely depressed.

I am also petrified of the future because I feel like whenever I am lonely and especially after prolonged spells of loneliness, I feel like my mental faculties have declines, like my thinking becomes slow, I can't mutli-task, my math goes haywire. I just well I don't know what to type anymore.

Every single place is dominated by "dis why you don't have a succubus or a toilet or whatever". Every single place is dominated by toilets, simp men (across the political aisle), and normies in general.

There are extremely few only-male places left. They invaded anime, gaming, F1. And their only accomplishments is being pretty and having a blown-out hole in between their legs. Because of which they coast through life in tutorial mode.

Now, as much as we don't like involuntary celibates or crabs here, the bottom line is they were an all-male community for the most part. And yet they have been banned from every part of the internet.

And very few only-male places actually survive. This is an example of that but the problem is this chan is more or less nearing death and if not there aren't many people here.

Half of the crab websites have being pulled down. And one that exists most of it userbase say that they are "more racist than misogynist", so here we go again there aren't any male-only places left and which are left are STILL dominated with other forms of intra-male competition.

And guess what there are very few men left who don't worship succubi, sure not all are "liberals" but even most conservatives worship succubi in their own way. This is genuinely horrible. I have no place to go.

I have legitimately no idea why normies thought that it was a good idea to let succubi out of their house. Fuck them. Fuck succubi. Fuck men. Fuck simps. And Fuck 99% of the planet.

I hope that mutts, slavs, jeets, chinks, kikes, crackers, niggers, faggots, all start launching their nuclear weapons and put an end to this bull shittery that's been going on. Put an end to this faggotified planet. There's literally no place left for me to go.

But I make it anyway. I'm not from USA, have a deathly addiction that kills you within 24 hours, after trying our public healthcare i've become an invalid that's basically a hospice patient with dementia. I can't feel my body, i can't feel thirst, i can't function, i don't remember what is normal because i forgot, it's been too long. I can not drink for hours, i can drink a liter and feel like i did nothing, etc.

The infections in my body are eating me alive, my teeth, my genital area, my stomach, the pain never stops,, i have destroyed everything from my teeth through my chest to my stomach to my butt, i just don't have the name for all the illnesses killing me because I can't afford treatment of anything.

I'm broke, stuck with psycho abusive insane family, with no help and no options to do anything at all, exhausted and broken mentally financially and physically, in constant agony that makes me beg some God to take me away from here, i can't even focus on anything because of the issues I have.

All that awaits me is hospitals, homelessness, prison, debts, pain, depression, exhaustion, anxiety, anger, destruction, the end. I won't live to get to 30.

I have nothing and I lost everything a long time ago. I've seen the end many times but this time I had a nightmare, of a place I have to be. And it's certainly not this world.

I have endured 123 days of failing physical health and mental health and did insane things just to survive like a cockroach, living without any hope of it ever getting better, purely on instinct like an animal does. My brain broke in two a thousand times and all my mental limits have been destroyed and made me a broken inhuman piece of meat.

It's empty, just like this post. I feel nothing, except pain. And I do nothing. There is nothing in this wasteland from hell. Living in hell is possible, just the chance you will end up in one is improbable.