Why call yourself a volcel? That implies you have a choice in being an outcast, which is clearly false from what you've written.
Maybe. No doubt it comes naturally and comfortably for some people, and with time some others will come to the conclusion it's an acceptable way for them.
But it will never work for me and I'm tired of pretending otherwise.
Even though I'm already a wizard by definition it never got any easier for me, in fact it's been getting much worse recently. I suffer so much I can feel my body physically giving up under the strain. I've had enough of trying to ignore the hurt, staying quiet about the stuff that truly bugs me, passively respecting all the written and unwritten the rules of the whole wizardry hermit monk LARP copium.
I don't even want to ever pretend anymore that loneliness isn't the central issue of my entire being, I just don't know where else to go.
But there's no place for people like me anywhere. No one could help, even if they wanted to. I'm at an age and place in life where only literal magic could fix anything. The loneliness and hopelessness is unbearable, all that's left of me is grief for a wasted life and mourning over youth I never got to experience.
It's not so bad for some people but I sure wasn't built to be alone. I just don't work that way. I'd never willingly choose it because it's poison to me.
I tried to fight this state of things but fighting all alone was an impossible struggle, while many awfully unfortunate events and environments were pushing me into living my worst nightmare that never seemed to end.
When I was still young I thought it couldn't continue forever, that at some point I'd overcome, bounce back and bloom late but beautifully. That brighter days were ahead, that spring would still come, the hardship would be compensated and patience rewarded. God, I wanted to bloom. To be a buried treasure just waiting to be unearthed. To be found. To be worth. To be cherished.
I yearned for warmth and dreamed of the sun but there was never a limit on the bad, no rock bottom to hit, was there? It's only going to get worse… always was.
I can't bear the thought I had no intrinsic value, no potential to be unleashed. Nothing to be loved for. The world has demonstrated these facts to me again and again but I can't… just can't.
It's too sad, too cruel. This isn't right. I feel it's not right for me to accept it.
If you are there.
God; that you made me, I curse you.
crab cope tier
How compelling, what articulacy. A master wizard.