This isn't an attention seeking thread. I'm hoping to learn from someone who relates to me and how he managed to feel a little better. If i can't achieve that, atleast i was able to externalize my worries so i can see them more clearly and vent a little. It's just random thoughts put together really.
I don't think there is anything wrong with being "normal". I believe anything can be an improvement to my dry and monotonous way of living. I've been sheltered my entire life which is why i'm so inadept and incompetent. I'm not talking about social skills (i've always mimicked those to some extent and i i know how to get by i don't care about that). I'm talking about life skills in general. I have no idea how to cook, maintain my hygiene like routines and shaving, paying utilities, etc…
Just the thought of losing my mother, my caretaker, one day makes me anxious and sad. I don't know how to act and think. I don't know how i feel like how do i know i'm feeling this or that at any moment ?
Because of this lifestyle, i had also always been afraid of people. I think i projected how i felt about my parents when i was young into other humans. I never had any serious social contact so i'm afraid of doing anything they deem unacceptable. I'm afraid i will anger them. They will bare their fangs at me, punish and assault me.
I don't care about the world, making it a better place or anything along those lines. I just want to be comfortable and satisfied in my own little cocoon. However i can't even accomplish that because i'm numb. I can't feel pleasure or enjoy anything and it hurts. I don't have any motivation or energy in me, hell i'm even surprised i wrote this much.
A typical day for me involves browsing the internet and watching TV all day. It's just a mindless circle of downloading and deleting, installing and uninstalling usually the same things over and over, switching between tabs and channels every 10 secs hoping something happens and staring at a stale page. Never actively pursuing anything. I never really enjoyed media and i never finish anything i started. I have no inspirations or aspirations really, except some momentary infatuations. They are some shallow obsessions i get from time to time with some occupations like drawing or "computer stuff". I have no specefic skills to be honest so i feel helpless and lost. I then just make excuses like saying it's because my computer is trash or it's because my parents raised me wrong.Post too long. Click here to view the full text.