/dep/ - Depression

Anyone here legit have brain damage?

I've never got a brain scan to confirm it, but I'm 99 percent sure I do. 10 years ago when I was 16 I was beaten really badly by a white knight. He hit me with a punch off guard and stomped on my head repeatedly. I was able to get up and go home and never saw a doctor, but I was never the same since that day.

I began stuttering even though I never did before that day, my grades tanked, my thinking became scattered, I became less coordinated, I forget words, even common words, very easily, and my typing speed tanked. I remember my goal used to be to be able to consistently type at 100 wpm and I did those online things to test it and I went from consistently being in the 80-90 wpm range all the way down to 35-40. I also remember literally nothing that happened before middle school, but who knows if that's related.

I think about getting a brain scan to confirm my suspicions but I know nothing can be done about it if that's the case, so why bother. Part of my likes to cling to hope that I just have some sort of mental block that I'll magically snap out of.

There are 3 things.
Things you enjoy.
Things you hate.
Things you don’t care about.

I don’t believe in the power of creation. Things I enjoy already exist so I don’t need to create anything. Simplicity is key.

On the other hand, I do believe in the power of destruction. Things I hate exist and I only wish I could remove them from existence. There is no other way around.

That is why, deep down, we all wish to be a god of destruction.
If we could remove things from existence and get away with it, we would.
Gov and religions make sure to trick people into believing that “it is not an answer” and “it will not make you feel better”.
That is simply a lie to control the beta sheep population into submission.

Remember kids, the meaning of life is to destroy what you hate.
Like in Zen Buddhism, “remove the crooked, all that is left is good”.
Purity is inherently present, hidden behind the ugly.

You know what's fucked up in this life? Enduring constant physical and psychological abuse from parents. You're an always crying or very reserved wizkid. Other adults see and approve/ignore the abuse. No one says a thing. They get to you in a condescending tone. They still expect normie behaviour from you. You discover relief in alcohol and drug use. Violence and terror lives in your wizkid life. Life goes on. Stopped being hit at 15. "You're suppossed to act normal young fella, be a man about it".

Everyone around you realize you've grown into an alcoholic/drug addict adult past your 25s. Everyone loathes you. Like "why can't this stupid asshole stop harming himself and everone around him". You know fucking why, you just don't care.

It terrifies me that there are people aware of my existence

All those persons i've interacted with throughtout my life… I'm stuck in their perception

All the embarrasing stuff I've done.. irreversible

i hate the universe

Has anyone here had any success convincing their parents that they're not going to get "better" and become a normalfag? It had seemed like I was getting pretty close, they hadn't mentioned anything for years and just let me rot in peace but then they started trying to get me to be a wageslave again and then when I lost my shit and told them I'm never going to be normal they tried to send me back to the psychiatrist again like that will help. Do I just have to fail enough times to finally crush their spirit or is there a better way?

Serious post, don't delete. Am I wrong for thinking this way? I need the input of other wizards.

I am 25. I've lived through physical abuse, mental disease, psych wards, meds, poverty, severed all ties with family, near death experiences, failed suicide attempts, constant humiliation, you know the drill.

I see everything clear, or I've turned legit crazy and haven't realized:
>life is absurd and meaningless
>social constructs of society don't matter, realizing this I am no longer shackled to them
>only care about my reality, I stop caring about judging or being judged
>realize that I am free to seek transient happiness in the "small things" that I enjoy, until I die
>realize mental illness is like diabetes and that I should take care of myself

With this in mind I feel calm. Or I am having a gigantic delusion and will snap shortly.

“The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn.”

I'm a chronic alcohol and drug user, 25. Shy, lonely. Everyone that knows me outside wagecuck know this. Everyone see me pulling myself up together only to fuck, and repeat over and over again.

My forced turbochad normie roomie know this. We were both high but in his room me noticeable higher. I requested to see Bojack Horseman and starting laughing at it. He looked at me "dude it's fuck up you laugh at this shit, this is like your life".
Am I overthinking it?
It will feel awkward living together he knowing I am a freak.

People that are neets/hikis and live with others with no backlash for their lifestyle are really in a comfortable spot. Compare that to me who is living with my parents I'm always scared of leaving my room due to the fear that i'm just gonna get scolded for my "laziness", parents have been on my back for college while I just want a wagie job that pays minimum and live in an apartment, all I need is a bed, some food and internet, my happiness is not fulfilled by consumerism or needless thing because it never makes me happy. I wish that I could be as comfortable to just not have so much pressure on my back, it's so hard living with someone that barely understand you. Anyone with similar experiences? I feel like living a low life is what I deserve, I don't feel grateful for what I have, I feel as this is some deserving punishment, who else owns their own apartment/house, what is it like?

First of all my stats:

27yo
KHHV (haven't had any physical contact with a female in 8 solid years, but at this point I am to depressed to even care.)

My life is currently in shambles, it already started breaking in childhood, despite me trying to prevent it from doing so ever since I was around 13years old.

My childhood was fucked from the get go, mom was extremely lazy and a horder, 90% except my room and bedroom of our 200m2 house until recently (9months ago) have been unlivable. Clothes, rotten food, trash and used female hygiene products everywhere. If i tried to clean up anything she got hysterical and screamed at me/pulled my hair out.

Parents were constantly fighting, about the trash (my father got into tirades every second day but never did anything), about my father cheating (partially my moms paranoia/partially real cheating), her not cooking any food, my dad not giving her enough money (he gave her 2k per month, she spent it all on clothes).

My mom never cooked, when she cooked lunch, it was 3h after i got home from school (4pm) and she just threw some pasta in a pan with cheese (no vegetables no meat, literally just pasta and cheese) or something simmilarl. She stopped cooking altogether when i turned 13, had to cook for myself ever since, in a kitchen, which never got cleaned or had its dishes done. Parents provided me with no knowledge on nutrition and I didn't learn anything about it in school either. I also lived 5 miles from the nearest store with no public transport to get there, so I couldn't even get any groceries etc. Basically was forced to eat the trash my parents fed me. I got to eat a meal that had lean meat in it maybe 1 a month when I was at a friends house, but thats about it.

No friends in high school, constant bullying and physical abuse (got beat up so bad once, that EMTs had to be called and i had to be transported to a hospital). Told teachers, they didn't care, told parents, mother didn't care, father told me it was my mothers problem and threatened to beat me up if I refused to go. Grades dropped because of falling apart mentally, parents punished me by restricting my computer access (at this point the only window to the outside that I still had), teachers constantly targeted me specifically to motivate me to use my bootstraps, which obviously backfired, grades+mental health dropped further. I finally had a breakdown and refused to go back to school, which resultedPost too long. Click here to view the full text.