/dep/ - Depression

Everything you see is controlled by algorithms.

The internet algorithms are gang stalking me.

I miss being a proper neet so much and im jealous of people who can be
I miss just being able to play some stupid game 12 hours a day and watch videos on the side
i still dont have friends or a gf so what am I doing
everything is worse
my body
my mind
my freedom

I'm tired, boss. Tired of being on the road, lonely as a sparrow in the rain. I'm tired of never having me a buddy to be with to tell me where we're going to, coming from, or why. Mostly, I'm tired of people being ugly to each other. I'm tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world… every day. There's too much of it. It's like pieces of glass in my head… all the time. Can you understand?

Does anyone ever want to just scream and shout at the world? Whether its frustration for myself or others I find myself having no where to put it. What would you tell people if they would listen to you?

ОК, i just dont get it


My mother keeps calling me at my workplace over the fact my pants look "horrible", "off-putting", and other stuff


I am busting me arse here to earn some money to cover her expenses yet she would start a fucking opera scene over wrong type of pants I am wearing.


Ugh.

For years, I was believing I am an autistic debile with asexuality-like condition, now I realise it was me mum all along, teaching me to be nervous over this or that irrelevant detail here or there - stuff people would normally give no friks about

How do you guys deal with fatigue, if at all. Some days are better but just when you think you're beginning to get a grip again you just wake up and know exactly that you landed back at the bottom of the hole again. Everything is a herculean effort, even typing this out my eye lids are heavy despite being only late afternoon and me having slept for at least 8h last night. No matter what steps I take, sleeping properly, eating better, hell I even started doing some basic exercise every day to get the blood flowing a bit. None of it matters. All of this hard work and it's completely meaningless because I can't seem to get better in a consistent way that matters.
Yet I have to work to live and try my best to finally finish my degree, hopefully before I'm 30 or my university kicks me out. On days like this it's like I've lost 50IQ points and I'm barely functional. I have to keep my living space in a state of acceptable cleanliness. Do any of you guys have any tips on how to make it more bearable?

had a schizophrenic crisis 6 years ago. because of that I lost 6 years of my life and also the second part of my youth. this will never come back and it just ruined my life. there's nothing I can do but be sad about that and cope.
I lost my ability to enjoy things and starting new things. I also lost good years of maybe school or training I could have done and get a job, but now all I can wish now is to have a bad job because it is all what I deserve.
in two years I'll be a wizard and all my dreams have been crushed by the schizophrenic happening.
all these years, wasted and will never comeback. of course some of you may have it worse but to me this happening crushed my soul and made me more depressed than before.

I think age 31-32 was the point where I realized I'm too autistic and weird to ever have 'normal' things in life.

I will die either institutionalized or in some shitty rental with nothing to my name. Nothing that I dreamed about will ever become true.

Isolation has carved me in its image and likeness. The presence of another person- of any person whatsoever - instantly slows down my thinking, and while for a normal man contact with others is a stimulus to spoken expression and wit, for me it is a counterstimulus, if this compound word be linguistically permissible. When all by myself, I can think of all kinds of clever remarks, quick comebacks to what no one said, and flashes of witty sociability with nobody. But all of this vanishes when I face someone in the flesh: I lose my intelligence, I can no longer speak, and after half an hour I just feel tired. Yes, talking to people makes me feel like sleeping. Only my ghostly and imaginary friends, only the conversations I have in my dreams, are genuinely real and substantial, and in them intelligence gleams like an image in a mirror.

The mere thought of having to enter into contact with someone else makes me nervous. A simple invitation to have dinner with a friend produces an anguish in me that's hard to define. The idea of any social obligation whatsoever attending a funeral, dealing with someone about an office matter, going to the station to wait for someone I know or don't know - the very idea disturbs my thoughts for an entire day, and sometimes I even start worrying the night before, so that I sleep badly. When it takes place, the dreaded encounter is utterly insignific ant, justifying none of my anxiety, but the next time is no different: I never learn to learn.

'My habits are of solitude, not of men.' I don't know if it was Rousseau or Senancour who said this. But it was some mind of my species, it being perhaps too much to say of my race.”

Text 49, The Book of Disquiet by Fernando Pessoa

I was watching TV and out of nowhere I got a very ugly reality check, I just realized that my floor is full of my own hair, I'm getting bald, I don't know how to feel, I'm taking medication and now I don't feel really sad, but I can't feel happy either, I want to throw up, I've been playing video games all these days and without realizing it out of nowhere I start crying, What a fucking rage, because my mom worries and I don't know how to explain what's wrong with me