/dep/ - Depression

It’s over for me, I’m 18 and I have the social skills of a goldfish, I’m 5’5, autistic and not particularly good looking

Now at the moment my cope is the gym, I’m fairly lean and have visible abs but I’ve been tempted to start drinking daily or at the very least several days a week

This is because:
1) it feels nice
2) it’s not too expensive
3) it makes me more social
4) it may make life interesting again

But at the same time I have my doubts

These are:
1) I am genetically predisposed to alcoholism, several members of my family are fond of a drink or have been, with my late father being an alcoholic before meeting my mother
2) I am quite proud of what I have done to my body over the past year or so, I used to be quite fat as a child/teen so to throw it all away would be quite upsetting

What should I do wizards? Besides vidya and the gym, nothing brings me any joy, I’ve tried dating apps and got 0 matches and I’ve never been approached by a succubus irl so I know it is for a fact over

Does anybody else live with family who have seemingly not a care in the world to be careful with your belongings?? It's incredibly annoying and often blood boiling. I have a lot of collections, and attempt to make models like tanks/planes/warhammer stuff and quite often my parents will "inspect" my room for whatever retarded reason and often break several items. I internally call my dad "The grabbler" he picks up delicate items with his full fist, all fingers perfectly alinged - like a special ed kid grabbing a pencil. As you can imagine, this often BREAKS anything even remotely fragile.

This has been an issue I've dealt with my entire life. I'd have my pokemon cards on a playing mat in my room, parents barge in and walk right on them despite them being able to walk around it, and I wasn't even in the way. Or other times where they would grab my school work with greasy/chocolate coated hands and get stains all over it. Also they love coughing and sneezing without any attempt to cover their mouths. You will see spit and mucus stains EVERYWHERE in the house. Especially on the shared computer screen, utterly disgusting.

I have tried everything to get them to be less dirty and more respectful and mindful but they just don't care, my mother is literally too stupid to understand, my father just doesn't care. I don't really want to move out either as it's not a possibility on my wages unless I want to live in a car or next to criminal social housing with even more disgusting people.

The list goes on and on about all the dirty behaviour they get up to. I might even jot down some greentext stories if I'm bored later

Whenever things seem like they are finally taking a turn for the better I cant help but think its just the setup to kick me down harder.
It has happened every time now sooner or later
I was happy to be done with school, but the adult world turned out to be no better and if anything worse
I was happy to get my license, and proceeded to crash my car and I havent driven for a long time now
I thought I was happy with drugs and that opened an entirely new hell for me when it got bad
Offcourse I am unlikeable and annoying so I havent had any friends through all of it
Years older and nothing except the pain and damage of failure after failure to show it for it
Now at the moment things seem ok for a change
But I am afraid of the price ill have to pay later
Torture isnt fun when the subject becomes numb to pain
Hope is a tool for further suffering
I am trying again to improve my situation but its likely i will end up somewhere worse then before in the end

Furnishing/Furniture thread

in case you suspect your /dep/ression is a result of living in unfit living quarters.

I'll start.
In my family, we only have wool blankets (thick) and a cotton fabric-like blanket (very thin). I never thought it could have been any impact on me. TURNS OUT IT WAS IMPACTING ME A LOT. Two years ago I got a nice cotton blanket (medium thickness) and my sleep improved, well, overnight. Well, THIS WINTER, my mommy borrowed my blanket and now I have to look for another similar one (can't find the same class of fluffy blankets anymore, ugh…) - hope the blanket I've got recently will help. I mean, I got my brain fog from bad sleep… ugh… I only realized it today… ugh…


Also, don't forget to vent your bedrooms

A little money can help me. I think money can solve any kind of problem, including yours. There's nothing in this world that money can't buy. It can even buy true love.

There's no meaning of existing when you can't be what you want. I wish I could live in a world where I am the main and where people would respect me or care about me. If I don't live in this world, I should die.

Some people here know me and call me a troll not even knowing 5% of negative things about my life. If you think your life sucks, i will show you briefly that there is no limit to human misery, as this is my current situation, long story nobody will bother reading but i don't know how to tldr it.
Im addicted and take 30mg Xanax daily, when the maximum dose is 4mg, that means i would need to spend around $2500-3000 just on drugs to stay alive and not seize(i currently have 0 money and thousands in debt, im not american so this is around triple of minimum wage)
-i have never finished even basic education and am too retarded to do even the easiest job for biggest retard, no physical strength, cognitive abilities, broken brain, NEET for 12 years, gonna die just before i turn 30
-i have infinite debts and prison time coming for me, because i had to keep lying to get loans from pseudo-bank institutions otherwise i would die from drug withdrawal(i ran out once, spent 12 days at a nazi concentration camp called a psych ward here, where instead of tapering me they dropped me from 30 to 0, i had stroke symptoms and ambulanced myself. they put me on 1000mg seroquel 1000mg something else, so horse doses considering my bmi shows 'deathly low'. I escaped(voluntarily left after 12 days).
-Due to wrong treatment I have lost most of my body feeling. I have no physiological feelings, i can have a full bladder and I'll start feeling it when it already hurts, and I don't know if my bowels are full or empty, I can not drink for hours and then drink half a liter, same for eating and everything else. And it used to be far worse, when i got out of psych ward i was on their drugs, and i devolved to such a state that moving or picking up a paper off the table was a task harder than climbing Mount Everest, i spent 3 weeks in a psychosis where each hour felt like 100 hours of agony, time perception, auditory halluctinations, visual hallucinations, no body feeling, i could punch walls and wouldnt feel if i broke bones, kept hitting my head on everything, i had 1% of body feeling left and almost no muscle control, 24/7 feeling that im having a stroke, heart attack and seizures among other things. Once i started choking on water and smallest foods i decided that I'll die anyway and relapsed, taking one pill brought me back more feeling than ever and for a week or two i was delusional that I will recover somehow, because I was feeling infinitely better. I quickly relapsed Post too long. Click here to view the full text.

I just wanna share my story.


Whatdver I did to exit the /dep/ zone (for now, at least) and the endless sadness, it all was… random


Getting a job that has no colleagues, and only one boss? Random "warehouse worker needed" entry in a random find-a-job type app

Fixing my sleep? Accidentally discovered here and there what clothing helps me to sleep/what temp is comfortable/how to treat my AC/there is "background noise for sleep" technique/accidentally discovered this "despression may be caused by ruined sleep, studies suggest" theory…


…and so on.


(example: pajamas with a blanked in the summer = bad, empty bedsheet, a t-shirt and undies - okay)

There are a whole hosts of posts here where we explain how we're dependent upon our parents and how when they die we will die with them, I am starting to think that the lack of money is a real problem.

Additionally, I am 22, but pursuing a worthless degree in IT, I don't know if I'd be able to get a job, I feel like I need to do something immediately to avoid this impending catastrophe. But I don't know what, it's like I have seen the writing on the wall.

And of course I have no other reason to believe that I am better than people here on the contrary I might be inferior, hell, I can't even drive properly, you've probably read a thousand of my posts here lamenting that by now.

Fuck man, I need to do something, upskill or some sort of productivity or self-improooovement shit or something, in the odd case that it might works. But this path is scary as fuck, this is leading straight up towards suicide. I am not as gutsy as other users here, who are fine with the idea of dying, I kind of want to live properly for a minute first before contemplating dying and I don't think I am even capable of suicide.

I don't even get along very well with my parents, we have a weird hate-love relationship where I am dependent upon them because I have no option.

I don't understand how I can be so unlucky, there are millions and millions of people, literally 99% of them just living their lives normally, I don't understand why do I have to be in the bottom 1% of this planet's population.

I feel an urgent need to do something to prevent this ship to colliding with an iceberg but I am just sitting and watching, if things continue this way, this is not going to end well.

But man all the posts here just scare me to no end. Everyone is talking about the problem but no one is really offering any real and followable solutions, this is not going to end well for either of us.

I don't know why I decided to make this post I feel a sheer sense of urgency and helplessness yet all I do is bedrot.

The way one sees his friends going in different directions while he remains behind, trying to figure out his life, can be one hell of a painful experience. When everyone you believed would join you and share a laugh leaves, giving you their best wishes, it makes you feel so lonely. You could have gone to the movies together, attended classes together, and celebrated small wins during difficult times, but now you are just alone. They are busy with their new lives, and you have nothing to be busy with except for the left, abandoned experience. It's like everyone graduated, and you are behind, repeating something you hate, yet you cannot escape this spiral. This makes you feel unwanted, sacrificed, and an outcast, as you do not have the ability to make friends anymore. The ones you made were one in a hundred; compatibility doesn't come easy to you. Loneliness is one hell of a burden; it leaves you almost alone with your crazy thoughts. To move forward, you need strength. You begin to question if you have it, if you can join others, or if you are already out of the race. You begin to question your worth, your situation, your position, and your capacity. These questions paralyze you, render you inert and helpless, leaving you just thinking about which step to take, or if there is any step that would actually be helpful to make a declaration out of this state. It's one of those situations where you would just wish for one push, one small help, one person saying, "Do this, and you'll be moving." It's better than this solitary sorrow state. And that one thing never comes. So you waste time on everything. You spread yourself out hoping to hear something, but it just accumulates noise. These noises end up making you go deaf.