/dep/ - Depression

I can't feel nostalgic towards anything when I look how miserable and fucked up everything was from the beginning because how I look basically. my life would be 100x better if I wasn't SFS subhuman and I just only needed 2x for a life that I would consider good. there's just not a one single moment or a thing in my life that makes it any worthwile. I dont think I will feel any fullfilled by normal means anymore, I just need to hurt people and whoever that has lived in this creation.

Anyone else feel like their whole entire life has been ruined because of a neurological disorder? It has generally ruined my life on many scales. School was a mess both academically and socially, I wasn't able to continue college. Not being able to function without pills is so dehumanizing, extreme brain fog (even with a healthy diet and physical activity), executive dysfunction and intellectual deficiencies. I tried it all, physical activity, prayer, healthy food, and discipline. I know this is what a typical lazy person would say, but at what point does it get better??? at what point can I be as productive and as functional as the others?

I used to be a hikikomori for 5 years, it unironically used to be the best time of life

I find it hard to act without having any motivation for this life. I would consider myself living a life that is although not luxurious more or less of comfort where the basic needs are being met. I wonder if my attitude towards life is born from not struggling hard with basic human needs such as food or shelter. Or, is it because these needs were fulfilled, I wanted to become more of a human with a social or personal life that can be how I wanted. But when I entered adulthood, everything turned out to be different from how I wished it to be. The life now seems harder that expected. The social construct has made me give up on wishful thinking and has asked me to struggle to fulfil those basic demands, whereas the deeper expectations are seen as some distant dream. This way I have become somewhat superfluous and ignorant about my duties. I feel that what I am doing is simply how a prostitute does it; selling her body in a way that is in one way the greatest pleasure of life yet for her, it has become the greatest source of pain, only to meet basic needs. Living a hollow life without any happy ambitions is painful. You are surrounded by people who have a light in their eyes, even though they are a bit materialistic, at least they are running towards something. I on the other hand, instead of chasing anything, just following them. Every day begins with an order, from outside and I, having no words coming from inside, simply follow it like a machine. No emotion, no enthusiasm. It is an active boredom that requires an escapement in meaning. Is this how despair feels like? Does this emotion even have a name? Am I sick? I wonder every day, yet I am somewhat afraid to know the answer. I wonder how long I can follow others and emulate them to pose as a functional adult. I wonder if I am missing something that makes one a proper person. I am a fake.

I feel I'm in the same situation as Hamlet was, a man battling his own consciousness, yet the battle doesn't let him move even one step. Even the thought of ending his own life starts swirling around, and he tries to find a logical, reasonable meaning. Why is it that we must follow whatever set of rules society has selected for us, only to persecute the general public and help themselves, i.e., the people in positions of power? All the things I believe are a facade, where one must follow blindly without any sense of autonomy. And if you try to be something different, unexpected, you'd be treated as an outcast, an exception, an alien. The social construct that is necessary for our support is suddenly against us, and we can no longer function properly. This logic of the world makes me feel so bad. And although I wish to play the cards I've been dealt with, I've been on a constant defeat. The amount of losing I've faced, I do not know if I could ever love it. I'd continue as I have nothing else to do; for both my substance and sanity, I must continue with the game. It's difficult, and I seek distractions to overcome them, but I've more or less decided not to quit, as to live with whatever dignity as a human I've got remaining, I don't want to waste it. At least even this act of continuing could deem me worthy of a person.

"morality is obedience to god, because what god says is good"
"why? is it because good is god and anything he commands is automatically good, or is it because god is good, and he knows what is good and then commands it?"
"lets begin by assuming what god commands is good, and things are good only because god commands them, then we can accept that if god changes his mind and commands anything that was formerly bad to be good, it would become good (and presumably we would experience a shift in our internal moral understanding to see what we once thought badly of as being good)"
"but why would this be? maybe because god is the creator of all things, and as such, he sets the rules about what is right and wrong, similar to how the inventor of anything makes the rules for how that thing is to be used?"
"or maybe its merely because he is eternal, and has had the time to figure out how we should live?"
"or maybe because he is wiser than all of us (whatever that is supposed to mean)?"
"I propose a different answer: that god is the most powerful being and unable to be challenged without defeat, or disobeyed without punishment"
"and humans need god to liberate us from the war of all against all that results from lacking a unifying leadership established by the most powerful and unconquerable"
"but more important is that the consequence for displeasing him is the worst possible pain and sadness, while the consequence for pleasing him is the greatest possible pleasure and happiness"
"the ruling principle for morality then shifts to optimizing ones own personal pleasure and happiness, while minimizing ones own personal pain and sadness, correct?"
"everything else one can say, including the winning response on the game *socrates jones: pro philo" to the philosopher protagoras ultimately concedes protagoras' assertion that personal like or dislike is the true source of all moral or ethical beliefs - why should one consider the collapse of civilization bad if not for personal preference from one who lives in a civilization and relies upon it?"
"but it doesn't mean that one can just impulsively pursue the immediate gratification of ones own pleasures, because pains also factor into it, and additionally one can acquire the greatest pleasure over the long term by abstaining from a smaller pleasure in the short term. contrary to the game, society itself remains stable because everyone pursues their own pleasures and avoids their own pPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

I believe if you are on here then like myself you believe yourself to be a deeply flawed person on such an advanced level that the idea of finding someone on a romantic level is not even in the realm of possibility, and friends are very temporary visitors in the world of adulthood. This is all well and good but I am looking at,at least 30 more years of this. How are the fellow wizzies coping without basically falling into a spiral of self pity and resentment? I would like to ideally just think "it is what it is.. some people are meant to be the outcasts" but I am having difficulty when looking at the stretch of time I am going to be feeling lonely in. How do other sorcerers and sages feel when confronted with this idea of a decades of loneliness ahead?

have you ever been told you had no personality? I was told that when I was a kid. it hurts. one day, I asked the psychologist I was told that and if it was true, she said that's not true because some people do that just to put you down, she said. I believed her but now I'm thinking I don't have a personality and people without personality exist and she was wrong (she maybe just said that to make me happier about myself).
I noticed I was a contrarian and thats my whole personality:being contrarian. but everybody can be contrarian therefore it's not a real personality, and so I have no personality. damn it suck being a NPC (I hate that buzzword).
I'm not telling you how to get a personality because it would be fake and it will show, I don't know maybe I just want to know your reactions over this. maybe you too was told you had no personality and can relate to this post and feel like a NPC too.

I can't move on. Everyone already did but I can't. Nobody remembers me. Trying to reach them is pointless, they avoid me like the plague. My parents told me lots of anecdotes from when they were young. They had friends and an extended family, they went on adventures, they cried and laughted, they grew up with lots of friends. They don't see them much nowdays but if they see each other on the street they cheerfully greet them. Their friends are happy to see them. Mines aren't. I dream about them everyday. Some of them, the original duo from my late childhood, I haven't talked to them in almost 15 years. The others, more "recent", haven't seen them in 10. Time keeps marching on. I stay the same.
I wonder, if I kill myself, will they attend my funeral?

The costs of lives burdens is meant for the backs of two so how does one prosper alone?