/dep/ - Depression

I’ve come here to bitch, wizards. I’m an apprentice barely, I suppose (22 years), but I will be a wizard (for multiple reasons and beliefs), so I like the site a lot. Anyways, I’m in despair and will be in utter and complete despair for two weeks.

My parents forced my NEET-ish ass into university because they mean well and don’t want me to die on the streets once they die but not only is university/studying not for me but I’m on med school of all things, I’ve already flunked more than one class since I started the career like 2-3 years ago, so shit isn’t going well, not only that due to a stupid retarded class I’m being forced to spend two, I mean TWO fucking weeks with normies to do sort of stupid social work in some shitty rural town that’s even more shitty than my already dog shit town (not rural), I can’t even go back home for a single day on the duration of that, I’m not sure if I’ll survive, thankfully due to my mental illness (Szpd) I’ll probably be able to detach and survive but it’s going to be horrible, I don’t even like sleeping, bathing etc on the house of my grandparents (probably the unique people whom I somewhat trust and feel “oka-ish” being around outside of my parents and older brother), I might not really feel stressed, despairing and such but I know it’s happening, I just can’t feel it due to being mentally ill, of course I can still get the somatic part anyways, so my stomach is a mess right now and I feel like shitting for 5 hours straight, my hands have trembles a bit too, it’s like I’m in purgatory or something, what the fuck did I do to deserve this ? I guess that’s what I get for being depressed and suicidal for years all the while still keeping up the lie that “I want to be a doctor” because I didn’t even think I would be alive to reach university or the career itself, nor did I have (or really have) goals or a job/career I wanted, it was easier to lie at the time and just kill myself eventually. Thankfully, I got better, and I’m even content with my life in general (which is the closest I can have to happiness, as I only get to feel emotionally happy here and there for a couple of minutes a few times per year), but now I’m stuck in this horrid situation. At moments like these, I kind of wish I could at least not be mentally ill, I would have found something I really wanted to do by now or would be able to push through this career even if it’s exclusively for the degree.

But such thinking is useless, I’m now sPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

Again, that feeling returned, wondering why there was a kind of resentment within me. Memories surfaced of why things had to be this way. And well, my ego told me what my eyes had seen: that I was superior to the one who had prevented me from being myself.

Although it was all for naught, the sinister was already looming. But how can you banish something from your mind when it has become so fiercely ingrained?

Have you ever managed to rid yourself of a resentment that seemed to have become embedded in your mind?

>even the extrovert normalfags with an excellent social and sexual life are on multiple drugs and getting therapy
I'm absolutely done for, dude. Even my life improves, I'll still just be a monkey to the rest of them. Fuck.

Do you have this? Any tips?
I dont know if i have this but it fucked a lot of social interactions.

we must accept it. we are losers and society mocks us no matter what we do. we're not cool. we think we're cool because we are in a website where only virgin males are in and we circle jerk together. That's why we think we're superior to normalfags while in fact we're seen has failed people. you may feel as much superior as you like on wizchan but once out of the internet, you'll be mocked for being 30+ virgin male behind your back.
It sucks; being mocked and being. alower human being. even non-white are more successful than you and being racist doesn't change that. I think racism is a kind of cope people are because they're frustrated.
You can be as much succesful as you can be (rich, good job, house, beautiful car,etc…) like every other normalfags but at the end of the day when they'll ask you if you have a wife or a gf, and after you said never, they'll think something's wrong with you or you're gay.
Some wizards donnt give a fuck because they feel above all of that but those are, according too me, a übermensch bit it is a very rare case. so don't think you're one to please you're ego. I think the wizard übermensch has everything a normalfag has in life but is morally superior to them. those who uses this power to trashtalk others isn't a übermensch according to me because he does the same shit normalfags do to others to feel better. There's a lot of wizards who mock normalfags to feel better but at the end of the day it makes them look like as bad as normalfags. the übermensch is a rare case and I am 100% sure there's no übermensch wizard on here (or maybe 0,1%).
Anyway, I'm not making a thread about the wizardmensch because it would fit most on /wiz/ than /dep/. I'm making this thread on /dep/ because I'm sad and depressed being a failure. even failednormalfags mock us.
We're ugly and dumb. feel free to delete the thread mods, I don't care I'm sad. I don't want to push my narratives unto others. I know many wouldn't agree because they live a good life and don't care about what other people think or say about him, but I know most of the wizards suffer and that's why there's a /dep/ board…if it wasn't the case, tbis board wouldn't exist. wizards are sad. in fact I don't know why they're sad because they just have to live life luke anybody else; it's just they don't have a wife and kids but live life like everyone else on this earth. so why wizards aren't happy? Most if the time is life struggle like money or shitty job.Post too long. Click here to view the full text.

>Were you emotionally neglected as a child?
I wonder if this led me to become who I am now, at least in social settings.
I have no idea if I suffered from this, although I remember times when I was told not to cry, or I got used to not crying over silly things that perhaps maybe weren't silly for a child.
I read those internet ads about caring for parents and children, and they recommended hugs, affection, and not denying children's pain and suffering, and that the best thing is to get it off the emotions of their chest or body.
but if this doesn't happen, then they build up a shell, armor, or something like that because they mask or hide these emotions automatically out of pure habit and training. and later they will have trouble releasing their emotions from their bodies. Babies and toddlers do this naturally when they cry.
>Also
I can't remember the last time I cried with all my might or something like that.
I wonder if this led me to be the way I am now, at least in a social way. I wonder if I can treat it. I read from an anon that some of these things can only be treated with love. But the truth is confusing.
Maybe my brain is already like this, although I read that the brain can change, as can one's habits and feelings.

Is the feeling of alienation familiar to you? Does it hurt?

"All my life, I have lived with the feeling that I have been kept from my true place. If the expression "metaphysical exile" had no meaning, my existence alone would afford it one."

~ Emil Cioran ; The Trouble With Being Born

>phone alarm wakes you up from blissful sleep
>you're in a warm comfy bed, under a warm blanket
>you bury your head under a blanket for 10 minutes but soon drag your ass out anyway
>drag your ass out to work, where everyone is very demanding and aggressive and hates you
>get back 10 hours later, having no energy to do anything
>do the same thing tomorrow again
I just want to sleep I'm tired of repeating the same morning torture ritual every day. If we weren't ruled by greedy subhumans we'd have 4 day work weeks by now.

I am losing my motivation im gonna fail out of Uni
I dont really want to quit, but I have less and less energy
I am in a state of constant burnout despite doing nearly nothing
im such a failure

I feel like a lot of people, especially older normies overestimate the abilities of the average guy and the problems that are out there to be solved in real life.

There is this old guy I listened to for the past decade now called Eli the Computer Guy and he often repeats this mantra that a tech professional should go out there pick themselves up by their bootstraps and solve problems for money.
Solve real world problems for money. Provide solutions using your skills. Over and over again while teaching people about making toy cars with a microcomputer or whatever.

Issue is there aren't any problems the average guy is capable of solving that people are able to pay enough for to make it worthwhile.
Maybe I'm low IQ and not creative enough, but that is the point I guess.
The average guy that got a CS or engineering degree and is now doing menial tasks at a big corporation isn't going to create groundbreaking solutions because everything worth doing, all the low hanging fruit and obvious problem/solution pairs have been done to death, patented to death or worse.

Big tech is so big that they offer a solution so refined, so solid, so cheap that no mom-and-pop shop will ever give you the time of day if those even exist.
The average normie is quite content with a phone which is basically a toy-ified computer gadget.
They don't need more.
Most even run their own little business from it using a handful of cheap/free big tech tools that if you were to offer a homebrew solution for it would cost an arm and leg to maintain without economies of scale.

What does a network tech that wants to "solve problems" do aside from running cable? You could lease a 10G fiber line from a big ISP and sublet it by wiring up a small village I guess?
Then the government gives a huge fucking grant to big ISP and they just wire up every small village themselves leaving you with nothing.
If you are lucky you can become a subcontractor doing menial tasks for the big ISP in a set region.

What does the average coder do now? Especially with the future of them limiting hardware/software access? Every app is made that a normie needs. Kinda like with websites.
Every normie uses less than a dozen of them, mostly through apps…
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