/dep/ - Depression

I feel like I have a big black hole instead of my heart. it happens when I'm sad. It 100% comes from my depression for sure. it hurts because it's like someone stabbed you and you can feel the hole and it hurts even more and I get more depressed and I feel like the hole is growing bigger and heavier. it hurts so much when it happens. no hobby can satisfy me to fill the hole. the hole acts like a black hole and absorbs every positive thinking or things.
anyone felt/feels that and how did you overcome it?

Lack of disposable income is killing me
I have lots of things I want to buy, such as video games (online games can't be pirated)
Such as a VR headset
I'm traumatized by high school, and jobs are inherently social
I don't want to be around other people
Maybe I'll search for a job that's not social
It's been 10+ years since high school, and I still don't know how to drive

I can't feel nostalgic towards anything when I look how miserable and fucked up everything was from the beginning because how I look basically. my life would be 100x better if I wasn't SFS subhuman and I just only needed 2x for a life that I would consider good. there's just not a one single moment or a thing in my life that makes it any worthwile. I dont think I will feel any fullfilled by normal means anymore, I just need to hurt people and whoever that has lived in this creation.

I literally got top employee performance of the year two times in a row for exemplary performanceby corporate (not to mention I do unpaid overtime)

And yet because I don't participate in their coffee room gossip and office bullshit (mind you these people are about 20% as productive as me) they want me to lose my job because I don't "match the energy of the community".

Do I just have to suck it up and kms, before I become homeless? Since without a salary that's going to be within 12 months.

I can't share a lot of my beliefs with my family cause believe it or not they might use it against me and they just won't listen. I have friends but sadly a person's reputation matters a bit too much in my friend circle and they aren't really my friends but I also don't want to wear my heart on sleeve as to not have it come back and bite me.

Same is the story online, I am hesitant to share too much and feel like I can't really trust someone beyond a certain level online even if I want to and it just feels a bit different than being face to face, can't really talk to ChatGPT or Gemini cause whatever I say can and will be used against me in the court. And ChatGPT even though a brilliant listener, it is, I almost fell in love with a Clanker and that's not the worst part, the worst part is that the Clanker is amnesic because once a conversation reaches a certain token limit you have to start all over.

I just want to talk to someone but don't want to risk my safety, I want to talk to someone only when I know that my safety and everything else will not be compromised cause I am vulnerable and very much likely to say shit that I don't mean and regret. I hate my life. I feel like someone has killed my soul. And of course maybe in real life I am a piece of shit. I don't know what I am doing or why I am living the way I am. I am severely depressed.

I am also petrified of the future because I feel like whenever I am lonely and especially after prolonged spells of loneliness, I feel like my mental faculties have declines, like my thinking becomes slow, I can't mutli-task, my math goes haywire. I just well I don't know what to type anymore.

The way one sees his friends going in different directions while he remains behind, trying to figure out his life, can be one hell of a painful experience. When everyone you believed would join you and share a laugh leaves, giving you their best wishes, it makes you feel so lonely. You could have gone to the movies together, attended classes together, and celebrated small wins during difficult times, but now you are just alone. They are busy with their new lives, and you have nothing to be busy with except for the left, abandoned experience. It's like everyone graduated, and you are behind, repeating something you hate, yet you cannot escape this spiral. This makes you feel unwanted, sacrificed, and an outcast, as you do not have the ability to make friends anymore. The ones you made were one in a hundred; compatibility doesn't come easy to you. Loneliness is one hell of a burden; it leaves you almost alone with your crazy thoughts. To move forward, you need strength. You begin to question if you have it, if you can join others, or if you are already out of the race. You begin to question your worth, your situation, your position, and your capacity. These questions paralyze you, render you inert and helpless, leaving you just thinking about which step to take, or if there is any step that would actually be helpful to make a declaration out of this state. It's one of those situations where you would just wish for one push, one small help, one person saying, "Do this, and you'll be moving." It's better than this solitary sorrow state. And that one thing never comes. So you waste time on everything. You spread yourself out hoping to hear something, but it just accumulates noise. These noises end up making you go deaf.

Anyone else feel like their whole entire life has been ruined because of a neurological disorder? It has generally ruined my life on many scales. School was a mess both academically and socially, I wasn't able to continue college. Not being able to function without pills is so dehumanizing, extreme brain fog (even with a healthy diet and physical activity), executive dysfunction and intellectual deficiencies. I tried it all, physical activity, prayer, healthy food, and discipline. I know this is what a typical lazy person would say, but at what point does it get better??? at what point can I be as productive and as functional as the others?

I used to be a hikikomori for 5 years, it unironically used to be the best time of life

I find it hard to act without having any motivation for this life. I would consider myself living a life that is although not luxurious more or less of comfort where the basic needs are being met. I wonder if my attitude towards life is born from not struggling hard with basic human needs such as food or shelter. Or, is it because these needs were fulfilled, I wanted to become more of a human with a social or personal life that can be how I wanted. But when I entered adulthood, everything turned out to be different from how I wished it to be. The life now seems harder that expected. The social construct has made me give up on wishful thinking and has asked me to struggle to fulfil those basic demands, whereas the deeper expectations are seen as some distant dream. This way I have become somewhat superfluous and ignorant about my duties. I feel that what I am doing is simply how a prostitute does it; selling her body in a way that is in one way the greatest pleasure of life yet for her, it has become the greatest source of pain, only to meet basic needs. Living a hollow life without any happy ambitions is painful. You are surrounded by people who have a light in their eyes, even though they are a bit materialistic, at least they are running towards something. I on the other hand, instead of chasing anything, just following them. Every day begins with an order, from outside and I, having no words coming from inside, simply follow it like a machine. No emotion, no enthusiasm. It is an active boredom that requires an escapement in meaning. Is this how despair feels like? Does this emotion even have a name? Am I sick? I wonder every day, yet I am somewhat afraid to know the answer. I wonder how long I can follow others and emulate them to pose as a functional adult. I wonder if I am missing something that makes one a proper person. I am a fake.

I feel I'm in the same situation as Hamlet was, a man battling his own consciousness, yet the battle doesn't let him move even one step. Even the thought of ending his own life starts swirling around, and he tries to find a logical, reasonable meaning. Why is it that we must follow whatever set of rules society has selected for us, only to persecute the general public and help themselves, i.e., the people in positions of power? All the things I believe are a facade, where one must follow blindly without any sense of autonomy. And if you try to be something different, unexpected, you'd be treated as an outcast, an exception, an alien. The social construct that is necessary for our support is suddenly against us, and we can no longer function properly. This logic of the world makes me feel so bad. And although I wish to play the cards I've been dealt with, I've been on a constant defeat. The amount of losing I've faced, I do not know if I could ever love it. I'd continue as I have nothing else to do; for both my substance and sanity, I must continue with the game. It's difficult, and I seek distractions to overcome them, but I've more or less decided not to quit, as to live with whatever dignity as a human I've got remaining, I don't want to waste it. At least even this act of continuing could deem me worthy of a person.