66 posts and 3 image replies omitted. Click reply to view.
Even though I'm almost 30, I can't let go of the resentment toward my mom. I tried to read many online posts on forgiveness, but it's difficult. My mom was old and poor (40+, welfare) when she had me with a 40+ year old, short (5'1"), ugly (100% Jew), poor (homeless living in a tent), sociopath (killed small animals for fun, abusive etc). Not only was I screwed genetically, but I grew up poor and isolated in a dysfunctional "home" in the countryside (Would have been nice if not for my mom). My mom became a single mom due to her terrible choice in partner. I wasn't fed proper meals or even taught to brush my hair. I became isolated from peers from a young age. There was no public transportation, I relied on my mom. There was no extended family (they are also crazy though), nobody. I became isolated from my peers early on because I couldn't even discuss tv shows (we didn't have tv) and had holes in my clothing.
When I should have been learning and enjoying childhood, I was cleaning around my mom's hoard (hoarder) and trying to cook for myself. If I tried to pile her garbage from the floor she would screech at me for hours that I threw something out (even if I didn't). She would follow me around the house screaming at the top of her lungs, knowing there were no neighbors to witness her behavior. Once some neighbors walked by and saw the hoard, threatening to call CPS. I wish they had. At least once per week since 1st grade my mom would scream that if I didn't go to college, I'd end up like my father. I finally chose to study Computer Science, but she yelled at me for months until her voice gave out to choose Business. When I tried to discuss Marketing she physically attacked me. I was too isolated and brainwashed to go against her. She hadn't even saved for my college, I'm now $20,000 in debt.
As I said, I'm almost 30. There were times I thought of writing a cooking blog, but her hoarder house background was too disgusting for photos. Many times I wanted to learn new skills, and I would actively be learning when she would slam my door open (she cut a hole in it to remove the lock) and scream in my face when there was a bug infestation or other hoarder issue. Despite being a terrible mother, she bragged to everyone that she was amazing. People didn't realize I was quiet not because I was well-behaved, but because I was scared. In college, I spent my vacations cleaning her house without throwing any of her junk out. She would scream at me whePost too long. Click here to view the full text.
I don't think I resent my parents. I don't even know if I should.
Obviously given how I turned out one might expect that they fucked something up, but since I have no idea at all what they did wrong I can't really feel angry.
When I look back it just seems like my parents were completely average. I can't see any argument for blaming them that I turned out how I did.
Your story is incredibly similar to my own, it's almost scary. I was also raised by a narcissistic mother. In my case, however, my mother was very non-confrontational, and possibly the most insecure human being that I've ever met. I was pulled away from my fraternal grandparents, whom she mooched off of until I turned seven, and I wouldn't see them again until I turned 21. They were the only family I knew, and she took me away from them while her first husband (my father) was locked up. We moved to the countryside, where I lived the rest of my childhood feeling neglected and ignored.
My mother go remarried to a manlet purely for security. She married a man who worked seven days a week, but because neither of them had any financial sense, they didn't save the money. My mother drove a new car, and wore nice jewelry, but I was forced to sleep on a dirty, old mattress on the floor, and pile my clothes next to it. My mother didn't care if I went to college. We didn't talk about my future. We didn't really talk about anything. However, whenever something good happened to me, she would take the credit, parading me around like a show pony to her terrible friends.
I'm almost 30, but I still have no degree, no career, and no girlfriend. I'm working on getting a TESL at the moment so I can teach English overseas. I've never been able to see a counselor simply because I cannot afford it, and I'm living in a rundown crack house in order to save money. (I don't do drugs). I'm depressed. I'm borderline suicidal. I don't want to work as a goddamn English teacher for the rest of my life, but I have no choice. My mother took away my childhood, and there's nothing I can do about it. I have no friends or close family to depend on.
In a nutshell, I went from being a social pariah, the neighborhood weirdo, to being a complete failure as an adult. I have bad credit. Bad teeth. I'm underweight and depressed. I was even homeless for a stint. I sometimes daydream about overcoming my sad, lonely childhood, and all the obstacles it presented, but I'm not stupid. It would take an incredible amount of work, patience, and luck, and I'm afraid I don't have that in me. I guess I'll wageslave until it's time to call it quits.
Best of luck, friend.
At least you have something to inherit. My mother's been remarried so many times, and is living in a house that belongs to her current husband's parents, it will be a miracle if I get anything.
Ill never forgive my parents either. Mostly because not only did they screw me over they did it repeatedly in the same damn way even after I made them understand how they were screwing me they did it again anyway. Then they had the gall to try and guilt trip me for not being my dad's care giver while he is undergoing treatment for cancer. literally expecting me after moving away with nothing but the clothes on my back and my shitty 13 year old car to go be my dad's caregiver in a different city for over a 100 days losing both my job and my home for their fucking sake. I already thew my life away twice for those fuckers I am not doing it a third time because he is too cheap to pay the 10k for his own medical care.
Tried to threaten me by saying they would write me out of the damn will and I told them to shove the will up their fucking ass.
single dad with emotional issues, beat and neglected me. transformed from a decent extroverted kid to this monster, i think about that sometimes, i was that little shithead ruining it for everyone else. so needless to say i didnt like the world or other people and lived like that til now, on inertia you know. now im old and my body is falling apart, didnt do shit with my life and it'll all end with a lonely suicide by hanging or whatever.