I finally came back to wizchan after going on an image board detox because I'd
figure that this is only one of the few places I can express myself fully.
So, I've been irrational fear over losing my sanity over the 2 years. My particular
fear is the fear of getting schizophrenia or at least so getting psychosis. My grandmother
has schizophrenia, and I fear of getting that mental disease. Every time I see flashes
of light, my mind plays tricks on me and I have these thoughts like "Well here it goes you
have schizophrenia you are already hallucinating" even though I do know that it's just
flashes of light due to eye floaters. It does not help the fact that I have mild HPPD, and my experiences with
psychedelics fuels this train of thought because the episodes of schizophrenia/psychosis
almost sound on par with the experiences I had with those drugs. It has got to the point where I get panic attacks if I ever feel spaced out. I avoid caffeine, alcohol, basically any substance, and
I avoid becoming sleep deprived all because I fear of being under a different state of consciousness.
The reason why my past experiences with psychedelics fuels these trains of thoughts is because
I do know how it feels like to lose your sanity while under the influence. For example, in late 2017, I almost lost my sanity due to taking too much LSD. When I read stories of schizophrenics
who think they're Jesus Christ, or some godly figure, my mind goes into panic mode because it sounds vague but almost on par with the experiences I had on psychedelics.
I had a bad trip on mushrooms last year in early 2018 and I really thought I had developed schizophrenia. Nothing particular happened
but it didn't feel good hallucinating all these monsters under that trip. The ideas you get from
psychedelics like solipsism scare me, and every time I have these thoughts of solipsism, or thoughts where
I have these "what if" questions concerning self harm like what if I take my own eye out? I think that it is psychosis creeping up on me. I never plan on taking Post too long. Click here to view the full text.