/dep/ - Depression

I finally came back to wizchan after going on an image board detox because I'd
figure that this is only one of the few places I can express myself fully.

So, I've been irrational fear over losing my sanity over the 2 years. My particular
fear is the fear of getting schizophrenia or at least so getting psychosis. My grandmother
has schizophrenia, and I fear of getting that mental disease. Every time I see flashes
of light, my mind plays tricks on me and I have these thoughts like "Well here it goes you
have schizophrenia you are already hallucinating" even though I do know that it's just
flashes of light due to eye floaters. It does not help the fact that I have mild HPPD, and my experiences with
psychedelics fuels this train of thought because the episodes of schizophrenia/psychosis
almost sound on par with the experiences I had with those drugs. It has got to the point where I get panic attacks if I ever feel spaced out. I avoid caffeine, alcohol, basically any substance, and
I avoid becoming sleep deprived all because I fear of being under a different state of consciousness.

The reason why my past experiences with psychedelics fuels these trains of thoughts is because
I do know how it feels like to lose your sanity while under the influence. For example, in late 2017, I almost lost my sanity due to taking too much LSD. When I read stories of schizophrenics
who think they're Jesus Christ, or some godly figure, my mind goes into panic mode because it sounds vague but almost on par with the experiences I had on psychedelics.
I had a bad trip on mushrooms last year in early 2018 and I really thought I had developed schizophrenia. Nothing particular happened
but it didn't feel good hallucinating all these monsters under that trip. The ideas you get from
psychedelics like solipsism scare me, and every time I have these thoughts of solipsism, or thoughts where
I have these "what if" questions concerning self harm like what if I take my own eye out? I think that it is psychosis creeping up on me. I never plan on taking
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The last suicide thread has hit the bump limit.
Previous thread:
>>195730

This might sound silly but really is fun something worth pursuing just for itself? Whenever I am faced with an uncomfortable day I keep thinking back on all the fun I had in the past but what was the point of that when I am faced with the inevitable discomfort? How can I enjoy the fun knowing that eventually I will be uncomfortable again? Having fun is basically like a fast forward to discomfort since the fun times go by so fast. The desire for having fun is innate in me so it feels intuitive to pursue it but I wonder if, especially as I am getting older and my health gets worse, it would make more sense to try to focus on learning how to endure and face discomfort. Is that even something you can learn realistically?

For the last few years I want to move out of my parent's house.
But the thing is that the comfort zone is killing me, my mom is making me food and I don't have to bother with rent so I have extra money. But as the time goes by, I mentally suffer.
I can't get my shit together in order to move out, I'd most likely get to rent a room and live with some people under one roof. But as long as I have my own room I think it won't be so bad.
I simply don't know how would I function, will I be able to maintain my "good habits" to not feel like shit etc.

I really want to get out of this place. I will soon be 27, already gave up on "normal life" just wanna live in peace with myself. But I can't push myself out there. Has any of you gone through this transition successfully?

On the long run, dealing with people everyday can be stressful to say the least. When i was young i got myself a cozy janitor job that paid terribly but always went well, but it had to get a better paying job after that, stuck in an office environment seems to drain everything out of everyone ,(even the "well-adjusted".

Makes me wonder what could someone like you do for a living that doesn't constantly put you on the social spot. What carrer option did you take, how's it working for you?

Am I the only one who can't find the willpower to improve?

I've been browsing some depression forums and there even people who sound heavily depressed have tried almost everything to deal with their depression: they tried like all available meds, experimental stuff, drugs, supplements, special diets, meditation, yoga, regular exercise, cbt, all kinds of different methods from self help books…

Meanwhile I tried only 2 different meds so far because I'm too scared of the side effects, have no drive to cook and almost only eat premade food, only managed to keep up any routine for 2 weeks at most and can't get myself to read a 200+ page book.

It's just that putting in any effort feels so painful to me so I default to whatever is the most comfortable in any situtation even if it leads me to a life that gets progressively less comfortable each day. I don't know how to improve since any kind of improvement requires effort.

Been on a drug/alcohol binge since thursday night. Haven't relapsed to hard drugs or stimilants, but I am using more frequently after almost a year of moderation (limiting myself to using only once or twice a month).

So for the last few days, I've been taking hugh doses of tramadol (opiate as much strong as codeine), clonazepam, hard liquor and weed.

My belly stings. I am tired despite having slept a lot/blacking out. Tomorrow I have to go back to forced wagecuck live. I am just doing my laundy and ironing some shirts, contemplating whether I use today too or just abstain today.

25, life only gets worse.

Normies are evil and fake.

When you re alone face to face with one normie he will most likely act normal, not be rude neither aggresive towards you.

But when that particular normie will be in group of people he will start acting like some animal fighting for domination. He will act stupid, say stupid things and sometimes even be aggresive, nasty.

I hate them. I was always an outcast and I will ever be. I wish I could get neetbux and never get close to normies anymore.

But thats not possible.

If you re different from normies and you are in some place that requires socialization, then you re fucked

i could just fucking give up and live a completely hedonistic life of smoking and playing video games for the remaining years my parents have left and then kill myself

Any wizards balding? Just noticed my hair has thinning lathes all over my head. I've ordered finasteride medication and a hair growth shampoo but I'm not hoping for a miracle. Any others experience the same? Did you fight it or just shave completely? I was hoping to have a long white mane of white hair when older to go with my wiz beard