>Does anyone else have a defeatist self-pitying attitude?
I've never had that problem which is why therapy never worked for me. They kept trying to treat that problem, but I have a perfectly fine way of evaluating the likelihoods of various outcomes and deciding which path I should take to achieve my goal. I think about risk a lot, but I am always able to accept acceptable risk and never catastrophise or make things worse than they really are. My problem is that I feel anxiety in certain situations no matter what I do or think, often when I understand the risk to be real. This is largely in social situations. As a person living in a society, everything is dependent upon your social relationships and interactions with other people.
As I'm not someone who naturally excels at that, I realize that I can fail at those interactions and be punished terribly as a consequence. Anyone who has ever been "unpopular" understands this. Despite this I don't go into every interaction assuming people are going to hate me or whatever other bullshit therapists assumed, all that happens is I feel a very strong anxiety response because of the uncontrollable risk. I understand how people feel about me is largely up to them and out of my hands, and yet at the same time what I do impacts their assessment of me, but I am not consciously expecting this, it is just an uncontrollable fear response that has nothing to do with what is happening in my head. Can I convince myself that my actions have literally no impact on what someone thinks of me? Not without actively deluding myself and I value my sanity too much. So I feel the fear and the fear makes me fuck up constantly which just compounds the fear.
It's a conditioned response to an undesirable outcome. You feel fear during social interaction, it makes you a retard, people respond negatively to you, the fear gets even worse next time because you fear the same outcome will happen on an unconscious level. It's a self fulfilling prophecy that you can't just think your way out of with optimism and smiles because your rational brain is not in charge of the whole process, at least not for me it isn't. I honestly do not give one fucking shit what any of these random people I interact with think of me, yet I feel the fear every time, even with people I am guaranteed to never interact with again in my life. I'm not battling my mind, I'm battling my out of control emotions which makPost too long. Click here to view the full text.