No.301044[Reply]
I'm nervous because I've tried so many times and it never worked.
I recently worked alone on the backend of a course project, barely sleeping and also helping with the frontend. Before the deadline, my hands were shaking from anxiety and lack of sleep, which made my stuttering worse. Still, I finished the project (ASP.NET + Angular) and got 11 out of 12 points - almost a perfect score.
But our frontend guy only got 12 points for a beautiful cover, while I was fixing bugs, creating the backend and connecting everything via API. After all this, I was given even more assignments, and now I can't focus on my own projects. Everyone acts like they know what I should do, but I want to do what I want. I have a few personal projects, but they never moved beyond testing.
What frustrates me the most is the uncertainty - I never know if I will succeed. The chances of failure seem huge. The military pressure makes it worse - if I do nothing, I am sent to war (death sentence), or thrown out on the street, or harshly judged.
Thoughts of suicide used to come a few times a year; now it is almost every day. I do not want to live like this. I am too weak mentally to die, but I feel like I am just existing without hope. On top of that, I am burdened by old wounds and a burning desire to take revenge for all the humiliations I have suffered.
Also, I stutter. Most people don’t really care about it and just ignore it, which is actually good. But a few still mock me, including relatives, saying things like, “If you don’t like it, don’t stutter, or it’s embarrassing for me.”
No.301045
>But our frontend guy only got 12 points for a beautiful cover, while I was fixing bugs
Humanity values beauty more than it values useless programming lines. Should have been an artist.
No.302141
It's within your own mental power to remove these pressures.
You sound very young.
You're too caught up in the stress of school.
Remove yourself from the environment that is causing you all this pain, if only for a week or two, and hereafter re-affirm to yourself that you are more than what other people think of you. And in re-affirming this, make sure you really understand what you are inwardly saying.
Wrongly receiving a lower grade, not advancing in a given project, stuttering, etc – are all bothersome things surely, but they are in nowise great enough to warrant suicidal thinking.
Remember that you have things many many other people don't:
1. you are young
2. you are healthy (apart from stuttering, which really doesn't even qualify as a sickness and can also be bettered)
3. you are smart
4. you have a safe place to sleep
5. (in conclusion) you have no reason to feel the way you are feeling.
No.302356
>having a job
There's your problem.
No.302895
>>301044>But our frontend guy only got 12 points for a beautiful cover, while I was fixing bugs, creating the backend and connecting everything via API. After all this, I was given even more assignments, and now I can't focus on my own projects. Everyone acts like they know what I should do, but I want to do what I want. I have a few personal projects, but they never moved beyond testing.
>But our frontend guy only got 12 points for a beautiful coverHe's probably "full-on assburger" about design too - don't waste your nerves on him. His "beautiful" cover probably also involves avoiding bullshit features with un-intuitive names - shit youll find in mediocre AIMP4 skins let alone wonky websites.
No.303758
You following the treaded path which can not only let you down but also drain you along they way.
Learn Human Design, you bunch of noobs. Learn why whatever shit you are doing now will never work while your bodies cry it even if things make sense the opposite way in your thoughts.
I stopped applying for wagecuck holes and I hate not having done it from the very start. How is it that I am anxious only when I seek "a future" as a wagecuck, but totally smooth while I neet?
Suck the world dry. They deserve it.