/dep/ - Depression

I love you all, you're the closest thing to genuine friends I've ever had and I genuinely care and worry about every single one of you.

I don't give a fuck if my feelings are unrequited. I still love you all.

My disdain for life has transcended to heights I didn't believe exist. I don't want to make keep living (again, for the 99th time).

I spent the last years doing practically nothing all day. Usually when people say they are unproductive they mean watching tv shows, playing video games or partying. But in my case I am literally just wasting the most precious resource, time. I can't even remember what I was doing years ago. I think I was mostly browsing imageboards reading about topics I didn't even know nothing about like cars. I would read about cars when I have no license, a fear of driving and no money for one anyways. I kept reading surface level information about a topic that lead me nowhere. Like why am I watching a buyers guide video for a car when I can't even afford one? Or I read and watched reviews of retro games but never played any when that was something in reach thanks to emulation. Then I also played the same online trading card game while browsing imageboards or watching random youtube videos or rewatching a tv show for the nth time. Once I got a decent computer I also spent most of the time playing the same online fps but very badly since I only played it to pass the time so I never put in the effort to improve and I also played alone with no mic so I never improved on the strategy aspect either. Two years ago I also discovered twitch streams which makes it easy to have always something to watch without having to constantly look for new youtube videos or tv shows.

Now I feel super weird because I have this big gap in my life that I can't even explain. I can't talk to anyone because I got 0 life experience and only surface level knowledge of anything.

How common is this? I just feel exceptionally stupid for wasting my "best years" like this. Sure I didn't feel too great back then. I had trouble focusing and felt tired but now it's even worse. The silly thing is that I have a lot of interests but no drive and focus to dive deep into any of them. I feel like I am wasting living in the 21th century in a 1st world country with access to free knowledge and cheap tools for expressing creativity and creating stuff. Like I could have learned drawing, sculpting, electronics, programing and make cool stuff and maybe even earn money from home.

>I don't want to read my books/manga
>I don't want to play video games on steam
>I don't want to do anything
>wizardchan is too slow to get entertain from it
>I don't want to watch tv
>I don't want to go out
>I don't want to start a new thing because I'm a brainlet

is this what you call depression?

Healthcare is in a global collapse. and more to the point;in a national collapse for me in here. Private one is a rich thing,I CAN afford it,but why should I HAVE to make such a significant sacrifice for it?
what are some "beer money" and back-alley surgeon ways to prepp for health survival?
antibioctics?torniquet equipment for blunt trauma? what about slashes\cuts? Dental health?
please understand the dire straits im in.

Im literally mentally handicapped so Im stuck living with parents for a while(pls fuck paying rent)
I have asked ,by myself,my parents to help use internet only 90 minutes a day. I will NOT use that time for forums\social media\shitposting..just for anime ,comics,webnovels etc
Im also trying to perfect and limit my sleep to strict 8 hours,not free-running.I sleep 10 hours and its bad sleep.
I am declutterning,organizing,giftin away, my stuff as proper in each case,and tyring to get rid of all my rooms furniture.
Im also working hard towards holding a Qualified job,and once i get it,excelling at it

am i doing it right?how do I proceed?what pitfalls must I avoid?

I also should shower twice a day(as soon as i wake up and before i go to sleep) and shave after\while i shower daily. I like to collect my nail clippings and play with them,until they get lost and then I wait for nail growth again. this is extremely gross,i know..i should stop.
I also memed myself into developing an energy drink addiction,which I need to Adress and im -slightly- overweight. 2 hours a day of healthy,vigorous excercise is needed.
also monies ;saving,or investing,or spending a bit on some salutary fun item or activity. I already faced reality:I wont be able to buy my own house,IF i survive my parents ill just inherit theirs ,where we all live together now. Rergarding us living together:I now close my door when I go to sleep,however I feel this is too much temptation as im recovering from PMO. I seek literal and strict celibacy,even of the mind. so maybe open door sleep is best.

im trying to re-organized my life and put it all o working,functional order within 63 days.

Everyone here is extremely self-aware of their symptoms. But people are only vaguely aware they are mentally ill.

Most of you complain about boredom, depression, apathy and stuff like that. Barely no one specifically talks about clinical depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia or BPD.

Why is that? What's the purpose of identifying your symptoms and whine about them instead of seeking treatment and improvement? If you had diabetes wouldn't you want your health to improve? Mental health is no different and is more serious than stuff like diabetes.

I decided I will pull off a "fast from sleep" of 72 hours,every 2 weeks. Every 2 weeks, I wont sleep for 3- days,then probably take 2 days of 10-hour sleep, and then resume my 4 hour a day sleep schedule.
Anyone else here ,have exp. with creative\spiritual sleep abstinence?
I feel its even healthier to do this. And I crave to do it,since it seems you can astralmaxx in all sorts of ways trough this practice.

Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.

Previous: >>267681

I finally did it, I managed to get COVID positive. How can I weaken my immune system enough for this to kill me? I have enough access to viral load because my grandparents are sick. How can I end it finally?

I can't handle this anymore.
I don't think I can keep on living.
I'm sick of being so unsuccessful and unskilled at everything in my life, of losing to others even when I do something for a longer time than them.
I'm sick of being ugly.
I'm sick of the severe bullying that I went through in school and the fact that noone stopped it or cared.
I'm sick of getting older and feeling more and more unaccomplished.

I'm sick of having to be careful with what I write online because the internet is more public than real life.

I can't hide how I feel anymore these days, I cried in the streets today like a loser. All I do is cry.
Fuck everything.