/dep/ - Depression

i have tried everything with my life , nothing works out . in the end everything collapses on my head
i tried working a normie 9-5 job , was very mentally exhausting plus i have autism (diagnosed not a meme) , so social interacting was the worst thing to do , and i needed that a lot
even with this job i was kinda ok , as long as there is money coming
left the job and got drafted for army for one year , it was a literal hell
finished this year with very little left inside , i felt like im a shell of what it used to be me
maybe the stress gets the best of you and leaves you empty
after finishing military service , i searched for job and after i got a decent one i got kicked out of rental house and searched for a new one
the work place didnt like this and decided to give me the boot
tried to search for a job after that , but i was like digging in water
with me an empty shell after military , and failed job and many many failed interviews with no real job and the money is getting less and less , i decided to go freelance
and it was a disaster , all the freelancer websites i tried are a literal scam filled with indians and pakistanis
didn't stop there , decided to go crypto
built my own rig with the money i was saving for the past year or so , and everything was looking great , i couldn't even believe that it was happening
everything was working as i expected , every number i calculated was correct, and it even grow larger than i expected
so far so good
but ..
one day i woke up , checked up the rig , and every single card has failed
i don't know what's happening with me , why this shit keeps happening with me
it was the first time for the past 10 or so years that i felt genuinely happy
but it's like i shouldn't be happy in this life
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Why do I want to go to prison? I'm an autistic neet with OCD. The idea of excessive structure really appeals to me. I also want to meet someone who will take me under their wing and teach me to be hard. I'm 5'7 and 255 pounds. I think I would do well in prison. Why do I want this? What mental illness do I have?

Looking back at the last two threads there seems to be somewhat of a general consensus that we've come to some kind of …impasse(?), that if we're not the last wizard, we will be the last wizards of our kind.

Question is who, if anybody, will come after us?

To me it's ridiculously obvious that the subculture(s) that the wizards, outsiders, outcasts, losers, etc resided in are completely in the hands of the normalfags, right down to the degeneracy contained within them. (Now, it seems like it's starting to consume them but that's another topic maybe).

Some anons in the last thread have argued that wizards should erect ever higher walls to keep out the normalfags from their hobbies but I say that's a futile and exhaustive exercise thanks in no small part to retard-proof internet access.

I think wizards, of the current generation at least, have to make peace that what was once theirs, is no longer. (Older wizards I'd think are beyond caring at this point since they've sort of defeated time.)

For about 4 years now I have spoken to a female zero times when ever I am approached by a female which I pretty rare I can't even say hi. I am basically a mute when females are around. The reason for me not being able to talk to females is extreme mental trauma from middle and high school from females that would harass me and bully me for years. All I can think about when a female approaches me are those bully's from high school. I really don't know what to do at this point.

Also for the mods that might read this I do not think I am breaking rule 2 when I am posting this because I am not talking about real succubi in a sexual sense it is about talking to them for any reason other than a sexual reason.I don't need or want a succubus to pleasure myself I can do it myself.

Getting older really sucks. It is not comfy. Feel like my mind and body are declining. Worst of all is the loss of potential. When you are 8 years old anything is possible. You could train football for 8 hours a day from the age of 10 and work on diet, get spotted a club, go to a special school and become a football player.

You could start studying any language at 8 and become fluent. You could train your brain in mathematics and become a scientist.

When I was a kid I wanted to be an archaeologist. It never happened for a variety of reasons. I was too dumb and too easily influenced by outside factors.

It can never happen now. I am almost 27. So many things I missed out on. I feel I am getting even dumber. I can't learn new skills. I am finished.

Do any of you have a developmental disorder or intellectual disability ? like severe autism or something

I think i have FAS but i was never diagnosed, it's hard to diagnose or pinpoint at first glance but i'm 99% sure i have it.
Life sucks majorly, i'm on a different level of fucked up. It's hard to grasp the scope of damage but it's severe. There's a list of problems that comes with it.

For someone like me suicide would be a logical decision.

Does anyone else constantly worry?
I keep going trough scenarios in my head of bad things that might happen and worry constantly even if I know it's very unlikely. Like I used to be involved with some criminal people (didnt do anything myself) but I'm now constantly worried my door will be blasted down (police don't need a search warrant here) because they might think one of them is here, or I were one of the gang members.
I am worried about running into old school-people.
I am worried about old embarrasing images I remember people taking in school somehow being sent to my family.
The list goes on, I've been on high alert for like 2 months now

Anyone else encounter people treating them differently than others? Growing up people always kept me at a distance. I was called weird without really doing much but being myself.

>29
>worthless polisci degree (2015)
>didn't work a job until 24
>have had 14 jobs and quit them all within a year or less
>haven't worked more than 2 months at a job since almost 2 years ago
>live at home, never paid rent
>never made more than 16/hr doing almost entirely what amounts to stocking shelves in grocery stores
>schizoid
>misanthropic
>lack the natural affect and social fluidity that makes interactions with people smooth due to years of isolation
>can't stand interacting with people in a professional way
>get really anxious, feel panicky, etc
I got a job where I had to go into 711's, convenience stores, etc and talk to the store managers about shelf space for our candy bars and buying displays. I couldn't handle it. The idea of having to ingratiate and grovel to someone i don't want to talk to so some anonymous faggot company can make more profit just made me so angry. I ghosted after 2 weeks of training and one week of sitting in my car outside the stores to spoof the companies GPS on our tablet.

Is it over? Should I just move to some small town in the midwest and stock shelves at the local grocery store and hide from the vicious judgement and shame of the east coast yuppies who i was supposed to be a part of?

I know how horrible this sounds but:am I the only one who fantasizes about living without rules,paternal supervision, family ties etc?
Also all i'll inherit, having my own place,etc
I feel my life will be 50 times better if im alone and rich