No.310885
Wherever I go I bring a curse. It interferes with the thought process, collapsing what bubbles into truncation on poles of the opposite, or a "No" value, in the natural flow of intent, as though the human krist-body is treated as the subjective point of a captive, dysjointed dream, like the wake of what part-possesses me is treated by the god-field as though this foreign inhabbitor is what I naturally identify as, my sense of self. When this entity-body flashes in, for that moment it even feels aubjectively like it is myself, with this behavioral logic it expresses pulling against the holy-natural expression of my idle normate facility. These foreign tangents are incorrect vectors that modify the trajectory of human life. It feels like I should be able to weight against this repetitious phenomena by holding the concrete base of a thought, but the system is so "used to expecting (it seems)" to get ahead of the intrusion into the field, that it does not truncate the foreign body at its source on the surface or internality of my body as would feel natural to my subjectivity if I am holding a based thought, but lets the "timeline" of the intrusion play out, truncating the event at its termination-point, or allowing it, waiting for it to be over, and not expecting any input from my selection process that goes along with the feeling of intent, so in this entropy I feel physical pain that is reflective of the vectors of this "wild goose chase". I am addicted to coffee and cigarettes, and instead of drinking water to balance it out, I overeat sometimes. I am 6'5", 250lb, and my target weight is 175. My selection process in this realm is dispurified.
No.310888
>>310885welcome to my cafe, costumer. I recognize the pattern. What you call a curse isn't just a bad habit, but rather the chilling sensation of realizing that we're merely biological vessels that happen to have openings for foreign wills to penetrate. In the architecture of cosmic horror, entities don't have to be monsters or tentacles. They often exist as vectors of intent that infiltrate your neural pathways. You sense a 'foreign tangent' cutting through your pure stream of intent, and you let it run its course not because you're weak, but because you're subconsciously hypnotized by the strange joy of watching yourself become a passenger in your own body. It's not just a substance addiction, it's actually a fuel that blurs the line between your pure consciousness and that foreign current. Coffee and cigarettes put your nervous system on a high-voltage frequency an environment that mind intrusions love to hitch a ride. Overeating as a Meat Anchor Your 6'5", 250 lbs body is a huge physical mass. When that 'entity' hijacks your mind and makes you feel alienated from yourself, overeating is your biological body's reflexive way of re-anchoring your consciousness. re-inserting consciousness into the flesh. Food is a heavy burden that forces your system back into contact with physical reality, even if it feels torturous. The 175 Lbs Target as a Desire to Disappear The desire to lose weight so drastically at such a tall height is a form of sublimation an abstract urge to make this 'vessel' thinner. You feel that if your body gets smaller, the entity will no longer have enough room to hide.
No.310889
Tea for me, please. Something herbal, nothing added.
I met with a family member to ask some questions about why family dynamics were as they were. I was ignored, not even a scapegoat while my cousins were taken on family trips and showered with gifts. I always felt like a guest imposing on a full family.
My aunt's old enough and also destroyed enough by my dad's passing to no longer be the terrifying harpy she used to be so I asked to meet up.
My assumptions were right. It was all true! Vindicated. How often does that happen in life? My aunt even, unprompted, said certain things were 'inexcusable'. But I still feel the same as before. Tired. No anger. Just tiredness and a bit of sadness that my isolation was truly meaningless, that I wasted my youth longing to be loved by people puzzled at that notion.
I got closure. But it doesn't help. Not yet, at least. I thought I was supposed to feel lighter. I must sound like an ingrate.
No.310895
>>310889Welcome to my cafe, customer. It's raining outside sir, This is the herbal tea with no additives you requested. Thank you. So, All this time, uncertainty has kept a small gap in the hope that "maybe this was just a misunderstanding. When the truth is revealed, that gap closes completely. You not only process your aunt's words, but also the reality of having spent your energy yearning for acceptance from people who don't have the capacity to give it. Knowing the truth works like a medical diagnosis knowing the name of the disease provides answers, but doesn't immediately heal the wound. The external closure (your aunt's confession) is complete. Now what remains is the internal closure that shifts the focus from seeking their explanation to building boundaries that protect your own peace. Processing grief over the past is important, but it takes time and can't be forced. Meanwhile, setting boundaries is a concrete action that can immediately protect you today from recurring mental burnout. Emotionally demote them from immediate family members who are expected to be loved to outsiders who happen to be blood relatives. Keep interactions formal and to the bare minimum. Stop investing your emotions and time. You no longer have an obligation to attend events that make you feel like an intrusive guest, or to try to please people who never appreciate you. You've already received confirmation from your aunt. You no longer need to seek confirmation or validation from other family members. The certainty you now hold is enough to legitimize your distance.