/dep/ - Depression

This situation causes me a lot of depression. Wonder if anyone here has experienced the same and can help.

Years ago when I was a neet and had infinite free time, I indulged in fapping like a psycho. Was doing it ridiculously often and was chasing the "high" of finding new stuff to fap to that didn't just "do the job" but excited me, which was getting progressively harder as my tastes have never really deviated much from things you'd find on mainstream sites, there were just very particular qualities I was looking for, and the "stock" of new material that hit the mark was dwindling fast. One day I woke up after a particularly excessive multi-fap prior day and was having trouble getting hard. Could only fap until I came with a limp dong. Started freaking out. I waited a few days without porn or jacking and then my cock was behaving well and was super hard for a while. Went back to business as usual and by a month later my dick was shit again.

Ever since it's been pretty mediocre, hit and miss, takes a while for me to finish and is often an annoying amount of effort.

Urologists can't find anything wrong so based on how it all started I'm guessing I've fried my brain's arousal centers with porn.

Problem is if I don't ejaculate before trying to sleep it's really fucking hard to get to sleep and stay asleep, because as part of the shitty habit formation with this stuff I started cooming before sleep daily.

I hate being in this fucking hole so much and wish I could just stop with porn and fapping completely but then my insomnia gets out of control.

Anyone been through this? Any advice? It's driving me fucking mad. Fapping was one of the few simple pleasures I had, being a super loser, and now it's just a miserable chore.

My past hit me.
I denied one situation from my consciousness for a long time.
One situation from my childhood probably damaged my whole life.
Long time ago, when I was a teenager at school somebody aimed laser pointer at my eyes. My eyes hurt badly, so I went to eye doctor (but I went to eye doctor after one month, for one month I suffered a lot with my eyes, I felt so much pain almost all the time, because my mother and family told me that I m hypochondriac and everything will be fine and I dont need to see a doctor). But at least my mother sent me to eye doctor. Better late than never as they say.

My doctor showed me then picture of my two eyes and the picture showed that one eye is damaged very badly, while damage in second eye seemed to be much lesser in comparision to the second eye. Eye doctor assigned me medications and pills and thats all. My eyes stopped hurt and I felt better after taking medications. Homever, from that day one my head hurts in the back from time to time.

Homever thats not all. Laser pointers are very dangerous. Damage from laser pointer may be long time not visible. Your eyesight may be perfect, you may see not much effects, but in the future problems would appear (in worst case scenario you could be blind). Its basically uncurable, when your eyes are already damage. There's no cure.

What worries me the most is not that I may be blind in the future, what worries me most is that I dont know when I will be blind. I live in uncertainty. I wish I could at least know how long my eyesight will be good and when it would be over for me.

Therefore, even if you have a bad life, be glad that at least your health is good.

Isn't all just so tiresome, the endless struggle for existence. Why is my existence such a burden, I don't even know what to do anymore. We just go onto imageboards just for stimuli, to absorb information for other reason then to distract ourselves from the fact that there is no meaning, we came here into the world from the will of another forced to suffer. The only solace I have is that I will no longer partake in the world, I will only be a passive observer, I will never be subservient to the will. It's just depressing that I am forced to partake in society, because my parents want me to be a wageslave. I wish I could just stay cramped up in my room all day, I hate going outside and seeing normalfags.

How do I cope with being unable to fap for medical reasons while being a virgin and an extreme anti social person?

I just have to get through this week edition

                                

I don't have positive reasons to live. I only have negative reasons to live, that is reasons only to avoid things. The negative reasons are that I'd make my parents miserable if I offed myself, and that I'd possibly end up in hell or some similar shit place in the afterlife if there is an afterlife and a hell or similar. I don't pretend to know with confidence if there is or isn't an afterlife, but I've spent enough time on philosophy, religious studies, and afterlife research (such as it is) to know that the possibility hasn't been ruled out by any means.

Do you have any positive reasons to live? What are they? Any advice on how I can get some? Some background info that might be relevant is that I have a job that pays decently and is easy, so at that level my situation doesn't need much improvement, although I do worry about losing the job and becoming a poorfag almost daily; if I don't this job, I will not have even one thing going for me in my life, and I doubt I could ever get another even half as good.

All my life at least since I was like 8 different people would pick on me for no reason or betray or abandon me. I never bothered anybody yet people would be hostile or bully me out of nowhere. Friends would stop talking to me or become hostile to me without explanation, or wouls it be enough for somebody to say something bad to one of said friends to become hostile to me after years. This continued in high school. I managed to have a sort of group of friends but the same thing happened. There was for example a guy who I was ok with him and outta nowhere he refused to greet me and would look at me making smug faces and outright started bothering me at recess one day. Later years people would be extremely harsh with me for stuff they would pass or ignore on other people. For example there was a succubus (she was a neo nazi and very fucked up in the head) who I was sorta friend for a year yet she became hyper hostile against me for a small comment I once made to her. To the point of reacting aggressively and never talking to me again and doing bad comments against me every once. This continued even in college. I even tried to confront politely friends who suddenly for no reason stopped talking to me and all I got was evasives or staring at me like a soulless npc or even aggressions.

Same thing in the street, if there's a beggar or my country's version of the jogger he'll come to bother me outta all the possible people. There were weaker and weirder people at school yet none of those were picked, ever. And the only time I fought back I was called a violent monster by succubus classmate (I only slapped the bully on his face. He once stomped 3 times the head of another classmate, yet I'm the violent…)

I tried everything, from being nice, to being "myself", I've thought it was a punishment from god or karma and accepted it for a while (which fucked me up mentally even more). Yet to this day I don't even understand why people are like this with me

For the record I'm average and almost always used to dress normal, with nothing strange. Nowadays I'm mostly a silent character and dress "aggressively" (like a bodyguard, with sunglasses and everything) and carry pepper spray, and weapons just in case and even tough people avoid me more, I can notice when some people take that same approach, like they want to be hostile with me for no reason but since I don't give them any reason to do so by being as irrelevant as possible, they like sPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

To start with, I hate everyone, and I hate everything excluding fictional characters and fictional settings.
I used to have ambitions of creating my own fictional worlds, and it's hard to shake them away. I still sometimes have urges to write down my ideas and quotes I think sound fun.
But I stop myself because there is no reason to transcribe it. For what purpose should I materially manifest my artistic visions? So that Twitter freaks who clap their hands at babies being born blind and deaf, and 4chan manchildren who play Nintendo may pervert my ideas? People are pure evil retardation. I would derive zero enjoyment by amassing fame and acclaim from the seething retarded masses, or from having even one individual read any of my works. Their perceptions of my characters and concepts would be insulting and revolting. And, being that the ideas are already there in my own head, they have served me well and do not require any physicality beyond this. I see them fine, and the seething retarded masses are sustained by lesbian cartoons and video games for toddlers; they have no need for my additions to the media ecosystem.

When you look to fiction, we see layered and emotive personalities. Characters are articulate, passionate, sensitive creatures who go places and do amazing things.
Here in reality, even those who have the money to do anything they desire often lead lives not dissimilar to niggers living in squalor. Look towards the British Royal Family, Donald Trump, Bobby Kotick, Bill Gates. See how they do nothing but have sex and stare at the wall like a fucking retard, despite their wealth.
Regardless of class, place or race, the seething retarded masses have neither romance nor adventure in their lives. No glorious deaths or trials. No justice. No heroes. Just copes and lies. Many successful family men here in reality die and they've lived such an uneventful down's syndrome life that their own family members have nothing substantial to say about them during their funerals.

Any hope for a career for me is dead on arrival. My only interest in the material world is animals, and any work involving animals is befitting of a Satan imp. It has been this way, and will stay this way for eternity. Watch as everyone around you laughs at animal suffering. Watch the normalfag as he laughs himself to tears over "jokes" of hamsters being smashed with hammers. Detailed, morbid tales of mishaps during the butchering process at the farm arePost too long. Click here to view the full text.

whats your days like? my days are starting to blend into nothingness so i wonder what everyone elses are like

>wake up random time
>contemplate why im still alive
>sit on computer for anywhere from 8-20 hours
>cycle between watching shows, youtube and browsing boards
>eat like shit all day at random times
>go to sleep randomly
>havent left the house since i moved here in march

what about you guys?

Do you think Nietzsche was right about this? I think there may be something to it. Normals are so fragile, especially succubi, they refuse to even consider bad scenarios and how horrible existence can be at times. It takes courage to contemplate negative thoughts and emotions. Pessimism is a sign of high vitality, of a brave spirit, of an ascetic soul who doesn't think feeling good all the time is necessarily desirable.