/dep/ - Depression

To start off, I am a 21yo apprentice wizard living in a third world country.

Growing up I had a very negative childhood consisted of bullying and humiliation which traumatized me and gave lots of complicated mental health issues, such as (anxiety disorder, panic disorder, depression, and agoraphobia)

I did well in elementary and middle school, despite being so vulnerable that I was almost a target for every other kid to show off his masculinity, thus impressing succubus and getting along with them.
From a very young age I was noticeably morbidly obese due to my parent's ignorance and unhealthy, illogical amounts of junk food they've been feeding me for the first decade and a half of my life. along with being morbidly obese my shyness didn't help but damage my already declining self-esteem even further. Nonetheless I managed to be one of the top students in school and I was always complimented by teachers and given awards, however. all that came to an end once I started high school that was almost 4 years ago, my panic disorder got much worse for which I had to shut myself away in my room because I couldn't handle the stress of being involved in social situations. As helpless as I was I had to see a psychiatrist in mid 2017, he insisted on putting me on antidepressants so I can somewhat manage my suicidal ideation. consequently and due to the side effects of the medications, I dropped out of high school and apparently have no future right now whatsoever!

3 years after and I'm not as depressed and suicidal anymore, however. there's a deep sense of sadness and sorrow growing up and eating me from the inside, I want to go to college (My parents are poor folks with no inheritance left for me) I need to graduate and find a job and since I'm in a third world country even minimum wage jobs require a college degree. I don't know I still have to graduate high school, I have time though, a whole year ahead of me.
So what do you think wizzies ? should I seriously consider getting back into the education system and graduate high school? should I be scared of relapsing at any moment because of the amount of dedication it requires to graduate especially after 4 years of hopelessly lurking chans and watching anime?

Any other wizards who are living in third world countries and have to deal with the education system, are welcome here, share your stories wizzies.

Every time I turn on my computer a deep sense of emptiness and depression overcomes me.
I always have to think about how much time I have wasted now doing nothing but trivial tasks like downloading movies, watching useless yt videos and switching between the usual websites and every ambition I might have had is instantly forgotten and the cycle repeats again.
I want to do something useful with the massive amount of free time I have, but everytime I try, this void overcomes me.
I have not played a single game since 2018 or something like that because it felt like a waste of time
Now I have sunken even lower than a consumer cuck

It must have been this cycle of constant failure that has manifested itself inside my brain.
I am beginning to think that this might be related to my autism ocd or whatever that I can't process the massive amount of information available on the internet and should refrain from internet usage altogether.
there must be something to break free of this hell…

Let's say you could arrange a deal that on 1st Jan 2021 you would cease to exist, what would you spend the rest of the year doing?

My options seem to be:
>Create maximum chaos
Either plan out one big caper, or keep ramping up small acts of dissent here and there, credit cards maxxed, fraud, insurgency etc..
>Monk LARP
Go to Tibet or some equally truwiz place and learn some 'real shit' as it were that could prepare me for the finale
>Continue being a degen, watching increasingly more depraved erotica, eating myself into a stupor and likely dieing before the given date
The true answer

I still can't do it well or handwrite properly. Basically anything with visual spacial stuff that's multi step is a nightmare.

No hope, no prospects edition

previous >>214237

5'8, 127.9lbs
i hate it so fucking much, i wish my diet weren't at the whim of others. lunch is the only meal i can consistently skip, i can't purge, and i only have a few hours a day to exercise.
no amount of sit ups and squats can burn 500 calories consistently

Why are you depressed, depresion is just in the head ,just cheer up for once

I both believe in and thoroughly hate God. Now a lot of you atheists will think “LOL WhY hATe GuD InSteAD thInK HiM not ReaL?” But disbelief is not an option for me due to intense personal revelation. That’s right, I was in the thick of it, fasting for numbers of days at a time, getting tested by demons and I have fuck all to show for it aside from some psychotic diagnoses I was finally able to milk for neetbux. I’m going to hell and let me tell you God is an importunate douche.

Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.

I want to believe that my negative view of my self and the world is wrong, but it just keeps getting proven right over and over again.