/dep/ - Depression

I would like to be with a being with whom I can share everyday moments, to have a being to worry about, in which I can capture the most beautiful part of my being, to whom I can show my vulnerable parts, express my deepest emotions, and show them really who I am. But who am I really? Even in an anonymous forum, I would say he is a great guy, who went through some things, but who despite everything never gave up, someone who always wants the best for others, and who has an optimistic vision even in the most difficult moments. hard And although in a certain way the above is not a lie, the reality is that there is an uncivilized being inside me, someone so disgusting and unpleasant that I don't even like to admit that we are the same person, and hypocritically, whether consciously or unconsciously. , I pretend it doesn't exist. But this is an undeniable reality, and although it is something that can be hidden, it is something that I would never share with anyone, much less voluntarily. I prefer to be a hermit secluded from all social contact rather than show this part of my being. I'm not going to lie to you, life alone is not the best thing in the world, and it has some associated problems, but it is not something completely bad either, and it helps to value things, self-esteem, one's own thoughts, and leave aside vain issues. like social norms, or what someone outside of us may or may not think of us.

I'm a thirdworlder loser, I can barely make enough half decently eat monthly.

My father fell sick, due this he's now slowly loosing his sight due cataracts.

I begin to see grey spots in my vision recently, I thought it was because of my lack of sleep. But isn't getting better and sometimes I feel this mild headache like somebody is pressing his finger in my head.

I don't know what I'll do if I fell sick to..

I want to leave, die, and disappear but I can't while my dad is still alive.

maybe all this is just a dream, a very long bad dream. this current era these people with no empathy for one another, this corrupt government and this polarization is just getting to me.

will it still come to me if i close myself off from the rest of the world wizards????

I'm trying to quit porn (cold turkey) and 90% of the content I've seen online has been:

1. an anecdote from someone who has already succeded in quitting

2. an ad for an app

3. people who aren't addicted to porn talking about porn addiction

Is this shit just a grift? I want to hear about it from people who are actually struggling with it, not annoying liberal psychiatrists or infographics.

Please help me, I don't want to be like this anymore

Being neurodivergent in this world is a fucking death sentence. This world does not and will never understand what it's like to think the way that we do and will keep themselves in constant willful ignorance from here to kingdom come. Forcing us to get worse into mental health issues until we go actually insane and do something drastic, but even then we'll still be demonized and everything because again…willful ignorance. I can't stand this planet.

This is something that has been happening for a while, earlier I used to speak my opinions and type my opinions on the internet.

I was good at speaking, good at putting my point forwards, good at arguing, was witty and could think of replies to questions or things almost instantly.

These days it's like I have forgotten how to speak or even write. Like my parents are abusive, and earlier I was able to write/type down my feelings about my parents. But now, it's like someone asks me "How are they abusive?", I just can't explain anymore.

And this is a very recent phenomenon. Like I can't even type and be an internet keyboard warrior online.

I no longer put my opinion forwards, I no longer have anything left to say, I just don't understand what's happening with me. Like earlier I used to always have something to say, could always carry a conversation offline and online. But now I just do nothing and have nothing to say.

Is there anyone who has suffered from this? Is there any way to cure this? I need to cure this so that I can fit in better in professional and interpersonal world. So that I can earn money to feed myself and at least have some irl friends to shoot the shit with.

It's shit for my mental health nothing there is no "cosmic caretaker" out there, also no rules\ethics or morals (So the evil go Unpunished, the good go Unrewarded) BUT, the stuff with massive social media\clickbait\ tiktok format youtube shorts, and specially AI images..Im realizing more and more how retarded it all is.
I have read proper books tho: Will Durant, historiography of the Bible (Jesus Seminar, critical studies, archeological reports on codexes and papyri, parchments, etc) ,Mircea Eliade…Im not just a zoomer basing opinions off social media shit.
>I also consider Communism a "secular religion" hence some pics

It seems like learning English was one of the worst mistakes of my life, I am someone who live in India and doesn't plan to leave the country. Any idea how I can cope with racism online?

It's very hard to be online, my self-esteem and self-confidence has been wrecked primarily because of internet. I will admit as a kid, I really wanted to see the west, playing video games like NFS, GTA, and, watching Hollywood movies late in the night, were some of the fondest memories of mine as a child.

But as an adult I think immigrating would be a very bad idea, because I would probably be homeless in a few days because I don't know how the system works. Forget about all that, I am too poor to immigrate. So that is out of the question.

A lot of times, I just want to use internet in peace and make friends with people over online websites. But as soon as they find out I am Indian they start hurling abuses. It's terrible.

Honestly a lot of it has destroyed my self-esteem and self-confidence and I don't know how to regain it even when knowing that for the most of my life I am rarely ever going to encounter a white person.

And then there is the whole blackpill thing as well, because we Indians aren't attractive (speaking for myself mostly but still) most of Indian succubi in the West tend to date white just like East Asian succubi. So that's like another insult to injury to be honest.

Overall it kinda sucked to realise that I am so hated and life in the West if I could immigrate that is, would probably suck for me greatly. Like all the parties and fun that I saw in Hollywood movies are only reserved for succubi and few attractive men. In real life in the West I would be bullied mercilessly.

On the other hand, something good has come out of it as well, which is, I have stopped resenting India a bit because I have realised that at least I don't face racism here in real life and won't be bullied here too much. In the end, I guess it is for the best that I couldn't immigrate I imagine.

Anyways, now that I have learned English Any suggestions on how to not feel bad about myself while being exposed to extreme and never ending racism online? It really has given a hit to my self-esteem.

i have strange urges when i watch lights flicker on the screen. they do it so smoothly and nicely. i feel like i want to flicker with them but i can't. what the fuck, jesus christ

I unironically think I'm starting to develop some kind of dementia. I'm 35 almost 36. More and more often I find myself spacing out and completely forgetting what I'm doing. I can't focus. I know it's not depression. I was very depressed 10 years ago and nearly killed myself, and I'm a lot happier now than back then, I haven't even thought about suicide in years, so that's not it. I'm not even as stressed as I used to be anymore. I don't even have a lot of negative thoughts. I get confused easily when talking to people and end up doing or saying inappropriate things unintentionally. For example I start dissociating while talking to people and start humming a song, put my hand on their shoulders, other stuff like that. This is going to sound like a massive troll but just the other day I visited my parents, I sat down at the dinner table, I started dissociating, my mom put her hand on my shoulder to get my attention, I couldn't snap out of it fast enough and nearly kissed her. She was horrified and turned away and didn't say anything the rest of the night.

I think one possible solution is to move back in with my parents. Being alone all the time is not good for me. But obviously after what happened there's no way they're going to let me, they probably don't feel safe and for good reason. Lmao. That was my only hope. I don't know what's going to happen to me.

And no, I'm not a drug addict, alcoholic or any of that stuff.