/dep/ - Depression

I know the truth.
We didn't have a normal childhood, and if we did at some point during childhood, puberty, or adolescence, we screwed up and were rejected or abandoned or some fucked up thing.
>Ptsd
A few days ago, I read that people with PTSD have a characteristic lack of light and permanent dilated pupils in their eyes, as if they were almost dead. I looked at photos from my childhood, and at a certain age, I already looked terrible just by looking my eyes and face, from genuine happyness to pure sadness.
>Do you want to vent and tell me a story about some traumatic shit?
I have vague memories of tunnel vision dissociation after being rejected and abandoned as a child and another one as teenager. I wouldn't wish that experience to anyone.

>Avpd
I wonder if this shit is just a process of dehumanization every damn day. I feel out of step or out of alignment with the normies' charade of pretending that everything is fine. I can barely fake it with family members and some close acquaintances (who are not my friends but are friends of my family) and with childrens, I don't want them to end up like me either.
I'm going to say something that makes me cringe, but this year I felt a very stupid happiness because someone who is not part of my family expressed interest or curiosity about me. I don't know if them did it out of morbid curiosity or genuine interest in some form of human kindness, but it made me feel temporarily happy and not so alone and isolated. And no, it wasn't the typical “Are you okay?” that leads to the automatic fake response of ‘'Yes'’ or “Yes, but I'm just now busy and a little tired.”
If only I could make friends or find something similar to human companionship, like with my pets, I wouldn't feel so alone.
I miss playing video games like TF2, WoW, CS, other MMOs, ending up in long hours games and parties laughing with randoms, Even there, I connected with those who were disconnected and found support and friendship. Thank you for that.

during the last months i moved to another city nearby to continue what the productive ppl call a university study . since my city does not have a uni so i was forced to rent with 5 friends of my brother , i really didnnt bother looking for rent so i let the job for more social individuals like him lol , i kind of adapted living here since no one bothers me like my fucking fam used to do fucking hate them , a couple weeks ago a protesting starts to happen because the lack of hospitals and low educational system , i stayed home and watch and i hope everything to fall apart and at least get better things like uhh more chips and comics discounts . or better…. to die

I can't move on. Everyone already did but I can't. Nobody remembers me. Trying to reach them is pointless, they avoid me like the plague. My parents told me lots of anecdotes from when they were young. They had friends and an extended family, they went on adventures, they cried and laughted, they grew up with lots of friends. They don't see them much nowdays but if they see each other on the street they cheerfully greet them. Their friends are happy to see them. Mines aren't. I dream about them everyday. Some of them, the original duo from my late childhood, I haven't talked to them in almost 15 years. The others, more "recent", haven't seen them in 10. Time keeps marching on. I stay the same.
I wonder, if I kill myself, will they attend my funeral?

Vent your shit here that is not deserving of its own thread edition
previous thread >>301013

And say something about it if you want. I'm scared of my dad so I'm drawing a monster (him?)
I didn't know we could draw. Why isn't this done more often?

Its been a while
Things are worse now then last year
Life continues to be a challenge
Chronic pain and issues continue to plague me more
I am starting to dread physical social interaction
It is getting hard to keep up energy to do anything

suicide is the best thing you can do in your life. you can never go wrong by doing it. the only reason people won't do it (besides obvious reasons like instinct of self-preservation and fear of unknown) is because they think there is something good ahead in their life and you just have to wait a little. and so our life is wasting like this, eternally awaiting while going through phases of misery and humiliation over and over again until you're dead from "natural" cause.

todai I learned Helicobacter Pylori bacteria reduces your B12 vitamin levels as well as iron levels.


My diet is weird also

I need to pass a breath Helicobacter Pilori test (or vomit into a cup a little, I suppose)

maybe that's where my ruined mood comes from

How's everyone's sleep schedule? Any tips or tricks for getting a consistent sleep pattern and/or sleep schedule

I lost a lot of money trading, worst part is:
I made it all back twice, and twice lost everything.
While I was winning I thought to myself, great finally there is something I'm good at, something that could uplift me from the deep hole I got stuck in for so many years, and then I got wiped, I might try again in few mounts, but it got me thinking, why even try?
Not even about trading or making money, no matter what I've tried over the years nothing ever sticks with me or works for me.
There was nothing in my life that I was ever good at, finally I thought to myself, this is it, it worked so good for me, maybe I'm not such a failure, maybe it is my calling, and what do you know? I fucked up like I did everything I've ever touched.

I'm lost, I feel empty inside, but there is no pain, some fainting panic, but that's it, I feel dark and empty inside.

I think the only thing that might make me feel better is something that I must get good at fast, something where I could easily measure and see progress, but I don't know what it could be.

P.S. I'll vent here for a while, yell into abyss, hope it works.