/dep/ - Depression

I wasted the last years consuming content I don't even care about.

It's one thing to have fun and society to think you wasted time but another when I didn't even enjoy it. Like watching youtube reviews of stuff I can't afford or about video games I never played. Browsing imageboards when it's clear there won't be any interesting new threads. Playing a video game I hate and don't care enough to put effort into improving in and still get mad if I do badly…

I am so bored existing like this. I barely feel human. I want to dive deep into subjects and do stuff but I can't stop wasting every day. I tried to read a book and after a page quickly went back to wasting my time again. Tried an online course and for every sentence I read I have to browse for 10 minutes. It's so pathetic.

where is the mercy

When I was a child in school I intentionally made myself as uninteresting as possible because I wanted to reduce the amount of social interactions I would have to get through with others. It worked wonderfully, a little too wonderfully. I now sit here as a fully grown adult and I am completely empty. Completely uninteresting, dull, lacking in experiences, interests, hobbies, or genuine emotional reactions to things. I don't even know how to have fun. I literally don't know how.

How do I come back from that? I never make friends with people because I bore them to death because I don't have any friends or stories to tell them about my experiences living life with my friends like a normal person because I'm not a normal person, I am a recluse. I see others chatting so effortlessly with strangers and joking and making them laugh but I can barely just get through interactions with others I can't even think of what I would say to make them laugh. Nothing interesting has happened to me lately, or like in the past decade at least. I have no deep area of passion that I can talk about. I have nothing to show for my time spent as a recluse. I didn't study some languages or learn the law or how to code. I don't even have deep interest in video games or music or stuff like that because I have been depressed for so long. None of that shit can hold my interest. I am empty. There's no coming back from this right?

Has anyone elses depression progressed to the point it's nearly impossible to enjoy anything created recently?

More and more, I find myself only playing console emulation, games that were created in the 80s and 90s. It's not just nostalgia, these games genuinely feel more fun.
No microtransactions, no trying to shove in-app purchases down your throat, no download expansions, just the whole game for you to finish whenever you feel like finishing it.

Music-wise, I find myself listening to stuff that was made pre-90s. I get a headache if I listen to radio stuff made in 2024.

What's it like to be an Asian Wiz in the west? In places like San Francisco and others.

So I turned 20 recently and for already 6 years I'm confident that you don't need a relationship or a gf to live a happy life. I won't deny that I wanted a gf at some point, but I was kid and stupid (like 11-13 y/o. Now I *want* to be alone until I die. And before saying anything consider the following: no relationship means no one will cheat on you, no one will break up with you, you don't have to spent shit ton of money on a succubus, you don't have to raise kids, which means even more money saved. And if you're feeling lonely, get yourself a pet.
It's a peaceful life waking up knowing that your happiness does not rely on someone (pets are exception)

what is the best method

Hello. Despite this being a depression board, it seems most people are still around trying to do something. I am in a situation where except dying there is nothing to do, so i decided to make a thread wondering if there are any other people like me online, since it's almost impossible to find anyone even on the outskirts of the internet.

tl;dr i have countless diagnosed and undiagnosed physical illnesses which cause me agony daily and i feel like i'm dying every day, spent all my money on doctors and went into debt, cant make any more money, will eventually be homeless(can happen at any time), addicted to xanax that if i quit im gonna get seizures, i will never have a normal home(never had my own room) or family(mentally retarded?) not to mention my mental health problems etc.
Overall I guess I have around 10 major problems of which each is lethal and will kill me, and 100s of minor ones(which a normal person would consider unbearable). I have nothing and noone, my life self-destructed this the year and it's been half a year of pointless suffering knowing i'm gonna die anyway. I just couldn't push myself to end it since i'm the biggest coward in this world.
I guess i'm not sure if there's anything to talk about, since everyone in similar situations is either dead or sleeping under the bridge and dying. I just lost interest in talking to anyone since I know they can't comprehend my situation at all. Even on suicide forums maybe even 1 person out of 100 is in a situation comparable to mine. So I just made this pointless thread.
If life is truly over for you, and you don't know what to do, this thread is for you.

Good fuck anons its been so long. Its been so many fucked up years of pretending and lying, trying to be fucked up false versions of my self to get by only to come back, to end up here again, wasted and posting on a dying imageboard of likeminded misanthropist, deadbeats because they're the only people I've ever really honestly related to. What a fuck. What an absolute fuck life is and fuck into the bleakest hell everlasting.
All that's left is music, a few good books, and copious quantities of spirits to keep me company till this charade is really exhausted of all it's juice and there's no course left but to put an end to it once and for fucking all.
I honestly have no excuse or aid to talk someone (let alone myself) off the ledge. Under rational circumstances, suicide is a perfectly reasonable and justified action/reaction to life. There's no real argument against it, just excuses, distractions to post-pone it. But excuses run dry and then what.
Then it's gone.
Let's hope they last long enough that nature will take it's course and do the dirty work for me. Spare the few idiots around me yet another cause of undue and irrational grief while still giving me the relief I'm lookin for.

I would like to be with a being with whom I can share everyday moments, to have a being to worry about, in which I can capture the most beautiful part of my being, to whom I can show my vulnerable parts, express my deepest emotions, and show them really who I am. But who am I really? Even in an anonymous forum, I would say he is a great guy, who went through some things, but who despite everything never gave up, someone who always wants the best for others, and who has an optimistic vision even in the most difficult moments. hard And although in a certain way the above is not a lie, the reality is that there is an uncivilized being inside me, someone so disgusting and unpleasant that I don't even like to admit that we are the same person, and hypocritically, whether consciously or unconsciously. , I pretend it doesn't exist. But this is an undeniable reality, and although it is something that can be hidden, it is something that I would never share with anyone, much less voluntarily. I prefer to be a hermit secluded from all social contact rather than show this part of my being. I'm not going to lie to you, life alone is not the best thing in the world, and it has some associated problems, but it is not something completely bad either, and it helps to value things, self-esteem, one's own thoughts, and leave aside vain issues. like social norms, or what someone outside of us may or may not think of us.