/dep/ - Depression

another day another computer broken, no matter how hard i try i cant stop my explosive anger issues. im tired of how angry I get, it keeps me from enjoying things in life and forces me to avoid things I should enjoy. once the dust settles in, guilt crawls onto me. the cycle never stops. for the life of me I want this anger to stop, it keeps sabotaging things i enjoy.

i'm 37 (soon to be 38). watching as your body degrades in real time is debilitating. earthly life is evil in every aspect.

I need no recognition, I want meaning, but education itseld doesn't give any. Being counscious of the simulation, how it works and why it exists gives a very weird feeling.

There are people who blames the rich, this and that, but the truth is that knowledge doesn't give any meaning and the slogan found in ultimate mortal kombat 3 does not make sense. In fact, knowledge of an anthill in your garden doesn't give you any power (that matters, anyway).

I'd like to go back in time, pick myself up violently against the wall, seeing eye to eye and say "IT IS ALL AN ILLUSION, A THEATER, AND YOU WILL BE TASKED TO MAINTAIN THIS ILLUSION AND YOU WILL HATE IT ALL".

If only a time machine wasn't one…

Would you trade autism/trauma/neurodivergency/lifelong depression/emotional neglect/whatever else that makes you a visitor of this forum to physical disability?

like you wouldn't be socially and emotionally stunted but instead didnt have one leg? or you were deaf? or blind? would you take that instead?

Lookism has become a public, popular topic lately on the internet and I believe that it affects wizards in very tangible ways.
Being a genetic dead end ugly loser myself I suffer for it even as a now "middle aged" man.
One would think such things are left behind in high school or something, but no.

You queue up for a service, government office for some paperwork, a cash register at a store, post office or hell even medical services.
You can tell the people before you were treated kindly. At worst processed in a neutral way.
Some even receive a cheerful response and the help they need, people go above and beyond for some.
Then it's your turn at the line.

A look of disdain follows immediately. Quiet. No "what can I help do for you" "what can I help you with" "what is the purpose of your visit".
Silence. Faces contort…
Sometimes a sigh, sometimes some snide remark. Clear hostility.

A shift in demeanor so noticeable, so obvious, so visceral… (yet to them likely natural) that even the thickest of autism wont help you stay oblivious to it.
You get mistreated, worse service, denied service you paid for, medical gaslighting, humiliation over and over again.
Networking is impossible for you, who by your mere acquaintance devalue their status.. and without connections, being treated like this, only having the "official route" as an option you soon realize you might not be able to get anything done.

After much pushing, repeated humiliations and humbling yourself, matching your demeanor to that expected of "your ilk" some old lady at the register might take pity and process your request, prescribe your medication, refer you to a proper doctor.
Sometimes the stars do align like that and you make a step towards a slightly less miserable state of being.

Post too long. Click here to view the full text.

There's been several major deaths in my family over the past few years. People that actually respected me and whose company I enjoyed. They're all gone now. Tomorrow, I will have to call some of them and finish up some things I've been putting off for almost a decade now.

I tried to find a picture of something happy. Here is a picture of an ice cream cone.

I read up on the best ways to do it, charcoal seemed one of the better ones so I went with that. Bought it a few days ago and I've been dwelling on wether I should light the fire. I think I'll finally do it, I can't really find any hope in continuing on anymore.

I thought that at 44 years old this stuff wouldn't get at me anymore but I was wrong.

All those cute couples rollerblading. Young mothers pushing strollers and smiling. People laughing in the park. People playing soccer in the field. Everyone is so happy, so content with their lot in life. They are so well-adjusted to this life.

People talking in upbeat tones. Groups of people socializing, laughing, smiling.

Everywhere I went today it was like this.
Its amazing how easy life is when you are neurotypical. It's like everything falls into place without much struggle and effort. You are always pre-programmed to get the most out of life without having to do anything special to make it happen.

Would they? I've been thinking.

My mom is already LDAR'ing due to the debt and she's already lost one child, so I think either by suicide or stress she would die. My dad? He didn't seem to care that much when my stepbro died, but I am his firstborn. I don't know really. My little brother would probably just turn into me. That's my only concern. Everyone else, would cry for a day maybe.

Post here if you don't have enough to say for a new thread, but it's too depressing for the crawl thread.

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