/dep/ - Depression

It comes to my mind very often how evilness surrounds everything, from your own body being rotten and painful to the average politician being cruel and unhinged.
I can really assume we live in a hell realm, people are so used to suffering that atrocious and disgusting news such as murder or car accidents are deemed normal.
We're born without knowing why in a world we did not create and we must obey rules we did not decide, there is really no point in counsciousness when existence is like this unless it was conceived by evil forces for evil purposes.
So my conclusion is that we live inside a reality of pure evil, no chaotic, no orderly, just pure evil without any sense, like hitting your head until you die.

What is the average wizard's relationship with religion like? No religious person has ever been able to give me a good argument for why God, if he is out there, is not the most maximally evil being in the universe simply by the virtue of creating suffering when he could have chosen not to. Saying "suffering builds character" and derivatives of is just a manifestation of their stockholm syndrome for this vile entity

>I form the light, and create darkness. I make peace, and create evil. I YHWH do all these things - Isaiah 45:7

Why do us humans have to be so alone? I feel that despite having options to live and exist and do things we still are so very dependent on this biological programming to seek connection. I don't know how to say this but I honestly, often hate myself for seeking it from other people — trying to make friends who would listen, or talk, or at least stay. I know people are very busy and have no time to stay to listen and understand other people's loneliness but I typically wonder if I could just have one person, not a therapist, just one genuinely good person who would not be judgemental (although they could be if they have any good advice) and would just listen to me like I matter; my situation is not something I am making up, this is me, suffering from being an outlier who has tried so hard to be a part of normal people but just couldn't. I really tried, but the performance was too much (although calling it a performance would be hypocritical). I could not do it, everyday I felt I was lying to myself, there was a small part of whatever honesty left was leaving me everyday, slowly but I could feel it. I did't know if I am living or lying. How long can I continue with this? Even when alone one, doing his work, to push through shouldn't there be a part within him that calls for an alignment with his honest self? I feel I lack that, it feels so pretentious to be existing. I don't wanna leave everything and just run away because I am not strong enough but I wonder if I could continue like this, and even if I could, calling that just a part of being human and a lot of other (fellow wizards) are going through the same, I don't know how long I could go on without completely going insane.

I’ve come here to bitch, wizards. I’m an apprentice barely, I suppose (22 years), but I will be a wizard (for multiple reasons and beliefs), so I like the site a lot. Anyways, I’m in despair and will be in utter and complete despair for two weeks.

My parents forced my NEET-ish ass into university because they mean well and don’t want me to die on the streets once they die but not only is university/studying not for me but I’m on med school of all things, I’ve already flunked more than one class since I started the career like 2-3 years ago, so shit isn’t going well, not only that due to a stupid retarded class I’m being forced to spend two, I mean TWO fucking weeks with normies to do sort of stupid social work in some shitty rural town that’s even more shitty than my already dog shit town (not rural), I can’t even go back home for a single day on the duration of that, I’m not sure if I’ll survive, thankfully due to my mental illness (Szpd) I’ll probably be able to detach and survive but it’s going to be horrible, I don’t even like sleeping, bathing etc on the house of my grandparents (probably the unique people whom I somewhat trust and feel “oka-ish” being around outside of my parents and older brother), I might not really feel stressed, despairing and such but I know it’s happening, I just can’t feel it due to being mentally ill, of course I can still get the somatic part anyways, so my stomach is a mess right now and I feel like shitting for 5 hours straight, my hands have trembles a bit too, it’s like I’m in purgatory or something, what the fuck did I do to deserve this ? I guess that’s what I get for being depressed and suicidal for years all the while still keeping up the lie that “I want to be a doctor” because I didn’t even think I would be alive to reach university or the career itself, nor did I have (or really have) goals or a job/career I wanted, it was easier to lie at the time and just kill myself eventually. Thankfully, I got better, and I’m even content with my life in general (which is the closest I can have to happiness, as I only get to feel emotionally happy here and there for a couple of minutes a few times per year), but now I’m stuck in this horrid situation. At moments like these, I kind of wish I could at least not be mentally ill, I would have found something I really wanted to do by now or would be able to push through this career even if it’s exclusively for the degree.

But such thinking is useless, I’m now sPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

I am not even that horny, a lot of the days I force my self to do it while not even being in the mood for it, it's just the most effective way for me to cope, masturbation is free, gives you instant pleasure and can burn for you many hours at the time, there are times when i find my self touching myself just so I can use it as a way to distract my self for my anxieties and negative thought loops, as soon as i start touching myself all my anxiety and negative emotions start to dissolve as much as i hate and it hate how much i overdo it, i can't deny it makes getting through my days easier when i can just touch my self for many hours instead of just sitting there being miserable feeling hollow bored to tears and empty or anxious and overthinking at worse, my point here is that I believe the addiction for me is a mere sympotom, something I use to escape my negative feelings and the emptiness of my daily life, thanks for reading my blogpost

I'm an isekaist, I believe I'll get reincarnated in another world as I please. I don't think living in this world is worth, like this world is not what I wished for. I might have committed serious sins in my past life. So, I basically did nothing wrong in my current life and God/Deity/Goddess doesn't punish suicidal people as the bible doesn't mention condemnation to those who kill themselves.

Lookism has become a public, popular topic lately on the internet and I believe that it affects wizards in very tangible ways.
Being a genetic dead end ugly loser myself I suffer for it even as a now "middle aged" man.
One would think such things are left behind in high school or something, but no.

You queue up for a service, government office for some paperwork, a cash register at a store, post office or hell even medical services.
You can tell the people before you were treated kindly. At worst processed in a neutral way.
Some even receive a cheerful response and the help they need, people go above and beyond for some.
Then it's your turn at the line.

A look of disdain follows immediately. Quiet. No "what can I help do for you" "what can I help you with" "what is the purpose of your visit".
Silence. Faces contort…
Sometimes a sigh, sometimes some snide remark. Clear hostility.

A shift in demeanor so noticeable, so obvious, so visceral… (yet to them likely natural) that even the thickest of autism wont help you stay oblivious to it.
You get mistreated, worse service, denied service you paid for, medical gaslighting, humiliation over and over again.
Networking is impossible for you, who by your mere acquaintance devalue their status.. and without connections, being treated like this, only having the "official route" as an option you soon realize you might not be able to get anything done.

After much pushing, repeated humiliations and humbling yourself, matching your demeanor to that expected of "your ilk" some old lady at the register might take pity and process your request, prescribe your medication, refer you to a proper doctor.
Sometimes the stars do align like that and you make a step towards a slightly less miserable state of being.

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Buddhism just straight up ends the subject/object split and dependent co-origination makes the whole illusion of a permanent self or creator god look like the retarded cope it is while Christianity is still stuck LARPing with its sky daddy judging your jerkoff sessions and promising eternal torture for not believing in the magic carpenter. The eightfold path dissolves the whole mess without needing some jewish blood sacrifice ritual to "save" your immortal soul from original sin bullshit that never even happened. Every time some midwit starts yapping about how le based trad christianity built the west I just remember how their dualistic garbage keeps people chained to craving and aversion like retards chasing their own tail while the dharma lets you actually see through the aggregates. Fuck this gay earth and its endless rebirths of this same midwit argument.

I am losing my motivation im gonna fail out of Uni
I dont really want to quit, but I have less and less energy
I am in a state of constant burnout despite doing nearly nothing
im such a failure

It's Saturday night and I started taking a new antidepressant called Mirtazapine (15mg) on Thursday night.

This is my 10th or so attempt at a psychiatric medication. I've tried lots of therapy too.

Wish me luck anonymages. I was about to quit my job but watched some motivational videos on autoplay on Youtube for hours and as cheesy as it was, they convinced me to give this a go.

I didn't even get these prescribed recently. It was way back last year and then I just didn't take them because this particular medicine has a reputation for making people really fatigued.

It does put me to sleep. But, maybe that's ok. If it means I can find some happening apart from fapping and dreaming while I sleep.

Maybe it'll even help me turnaround my fortunes at work where it looks like I'm sliding towards a firing or just being unable to come in. Barely stopped myself raging at my boss the other day and took 2 weeks sick leave from stress afterwards. I need to swallow some humble pie come Monday and hopefully these pills help. Being off work for 2 weeks showed me I'm just as miserable and actually more so depressed, anxious and stressed not working despite all the antiwork slogans I collect.