/dep/ - Depression

If you've been depressed I'm sure you have at some point been blamed for it as if it was a deliberate choice.

"You enjoy being miserable."
"You are simply a lazy person unwilling to put in the effort or think you are above it"
"You don't really want anything"
"You are spoiled"
"You are a parasite dodging responsibility"

I think it's an unwillingness to try to understand other people and the belief that the world is fair and everyone gets what they deserve. I think what looks like laziness is a lack of a focused goal and lack of confidence and positive reinforcement. But I am biased being depressed myself so idk.

I'm going broke, and I really don't know how to deal with this fact. I went to 4 doctors to treat it, but none of them worked, and no matter how many medications I took, I was never able to overcome this problem. But these only caused me terrible side effects, such as fatigue, weight gain, apathy, a lot of disinterest in everything, and alopecia, but they were never able to attack the impulses. Violence never stops.
Sometimes I blame my family for raising me in such a violent environment, but then I think it's better to bury the past and look forward. But sometimes it is difficult, since it is not about the violence of 10 or 15 years ago, it is about things sometimes from less than a week ago.

I feel like an alcoholic, where instead of keeping a place free of that poison, it is offered to me in all shapes, sizes, colors and flavors.

Hello, wizards. Do you remember the moment when you was born? I dont remember too. Lets not speak about processes in babies brain, Im here to ask you a question. Have you ever think about how the first -homo was scared when he realized his existence?
Its fucking insane how trivally kid making has become. When I ask my mother, why she decided to make family and born me, she said some shit about glass of water, giving joy of life to someone; something about peak of love between man and succubus and so on. And now imagine to realize the moment of born. Realize, that you was brought from eternal dark… "here". I dont speak about antinatalism, though I like the idea. I speak about dread of giving and taking life. I already have tread here, called "Siberian apprentice shizo ideas". Its about self consciousness. And I would like to connect it to that post.

And now, lets forget about biology. Lets think about world where kids born already conscious. Their scream is not about pain. Its about realisation of their parents …punishment on them. Its about being doomed, being a cell on a mad and cruel Gods body, who rot in all dimensions, in past, in future.

Actually, I want to bring all my thoughts in order and write a small book or article cycle about shit in my head. If you find it interesting, let me know and I will translate it from Russian to let you read it.

I mean, what can you really say?
Why not? Why not stop the fucking charade if you're really ready? Because some cunt on the internet types to you "it gets bedder bro!" But what if it doesn't.
It may not get better. It may only get worse. You may only grow in your perception of life's falsity, it's vanity, it's total fucking bushtit. And really, who cares? Every life, every person is a small fry. One fucker offing himself does nothing to the global balance, it only improves his being and eases his burden of bearing of the cross of life's woes.
So why not? Why not end it?
I don't because my life is easy enough and replete with enough worthless time wasters to keep myself interested a little bit longer. But what happens if and when those run out? What happens when the well of whiskey and other distractions fails me?
A rope, a running car in the garage, a 357. to the skull, whatever. Just make it quick and easy to clean up.
Any what's the loss anyways? Nothing, there was nothing to begin with.

Do you have good or bad experiences in your host country or do you feel accepted or tolerated in the society of the country? Have you had problems because you were a foreigner? Can you tell us about them?

At what point is it objectively justifiable to give up? I'm 21 (nearly 22) and I've only worked dead end jobs and never even come close to being in a relationship with anyone. I tried, but there's just been so many negative experiences in my life (mostly from other people) that led me to being a shut in schizoid. I alternate between shaking with rage at my predicament and being completely numb. It's weird, I used to be such a happy kid with a bright future and now I'm just a future suicide case wading through life as if I'm on borrowed time. Anyone else feel like a animal trapped in a cage? I literally only passively exist like a fucking hamster; if I died right now, I'd be forgotten in 6 months max.

I'm so fucking ugly and disgusting
It's painful to look myself in the mirror
I wanna kill myself

Cold weather makes me sick my lungs don't tolerate cold air, I hate winter, I have to sleep with three blankets and wear heavy jackets

I wish I was dead

it makes me sad I can't create things I like. I always procrastinate and I always did d
my whole life so far. It happened at very young age; I didn't want to go to school nor learn at home or do my homework. I was always playing flash games on the computer or play ps2 or nintendo DS and after that ps3. I didn't lile myself for that and itt continues nowdays. I don't know why I proscratinate. I hate doing things, in fact I was never used to that. I've never learn doing things by myself, always mom or dad did things for me, my mom did the cooking and my dad told me to do sport. I never listened, I just stayed at home in front of my tv. oh yeah the TV…watching programs in my bedroom all night long…it was comfy, at night you weren't bothered by others because I was kind of alone (my brother was sleeping) in front of the tv with no remorse of doing so because it was comfy and calm.
I think it's because of tv, video games and internet (smartphone addiction came way late).
when I discovered 4chan, I knew there will be no turning back: I totally "internetized" now. I'm am completly focuses on internet everyday. now it's not 4chan but wizchan I use and for a good reason: no succubi wanted me, maybe because I was too poor…all these factors made me a procrastinate person. when you're poor there'snt so much to do besode doing your home work and going to sport. no music lesson, or traveling during vacancy (just stay at home).
I know it's my fault and I know why it's because I didn't had MY things. I wish I had a computer just for me.
Anyway, in few years, I'll be 30 with no-skill wizard because it will be too late.
I wanted to know how to draw (but when I tried my drawings were so unmatch I gave up)
I wanted to create a video game (I tried some with rpg maker but I didn't made shit, just few maps and some events)
I wanted to do a lot of sport
(I wish I wasn't shy, which killed the social part of my life; so no sport because fear of others)
music playing (piano guitar drums, all I wanted to do was those but no money, family too poor)
science
(I really like science but am a brainlet)
technology and computers and coding
(I tried python, all I did was the hello world)
in fact I'm waiting a miracle to happen to me so I can do things and not procrastinating but I know it will not come: I don't leave my house, so no miracle for me.
Nowdays all I do is posting in wizchan and watch youtube vPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

This is something that has been happening for a while, earlier I used to speak my opinions and type my opinions on the internet.

I was good at speaking, good at putting my point forwards, good at arguing, was witty and could think of replies to questions or things almost instantly.

These days it's like I have forgotten how to speak or even write. Like my parents are abusive, and earlier I was able to write/type down my feelings about my parents. But now, it's like someone asks me "How are they abusive?", I just can't explain anymore.

And this is a very recent phenomenon. Like I can't even type and be an internet keyboard warrior online.

I no longer put my opinion forwards, I no longer have anything left to say, I just don't understand what's happening with me. Like earlier I used to always have something to say, could always carry a conversation offline and online. But now I just do nothing and have nothing to say.

Is there anyone who has suffered from this? Is there any way to cure this? I need to cure this so that I can fit in better in professional and interpersonal world. So that I can earn money to feed myself and at least have some irl friends to shoot the shit with.