/dep/ - Depression

I'm in my 30s. People I went to school with and family friends are married, have high paying careers and are healthy. I got the advantages of parents, an education and the first world and high performing peers and I still fumbled it all.

I know it's pointless for me to even think about what if I was born white and in the first world as there is nothing I can do to change it. But I have these thoughts frequently, just maladaptively daydreaming constantly how good life would have been if I was white.

Yes, there are problem in white countries like that of healthcare and loneliness as white people do not like families, I think. As a result of that I think a lot of them end up being very lonely. The schooling system is rough and has a lot of bullying as well. And then there is DEI which is not good.

Still though, I wish I was born white and in the first world, possibly sometime before mass migration and everything but even now, as the governments in first world at least pretend to care about you, at least pretend to offer neetbuxx, at least you get a minimum wagie job, as miserable as that would make you, at least you would have a job.

But in the third world, holy shit, you can't even make 100USD a month, which is just not liveable. Like I have heard that parents kick out kids in America, Western Europe, and Oceania when they turn 18, but I have heard so many stories of these kids at least managing to survive and living paycheque to paycheque which I am sure is hard to manage even in the first world. But at least you have some hope.

I have never heard of any success story of a kid being kicked out in the third world, nearly all of them die when they are kicked out.

I am probably mentally ill or maybe it's a coping mechanism that I have where I just keep on imagining my life as a white person and as a first worlder. I am about to be kicked out of my house in third world and I am already imagining worst case scenarios like dying of rabies on the side of a street after getting bit by stray animals, having my hand chopped off and forced to become a part of a begging ring, etc.

Let me know if you guys know of some online jobs that I can do which pay something. But then again it's probably retarded to ask for online jobs when I have no real skills. And whatever skills I have ChatGPT is probably better than me at it.

Is there any way to do the whole noose thing but ensure I don't end up just brain damaged alive or suffering too much from it? Trying to write a first person fictional story

I'm too stupid to figure out how to get pills and combo them

I'm nervous because I've tried so many times and it never worked.

I recently worked alone on the backend of a course project, barely sleeping and also helping with the frontend. Before the deadline, my hands were shaking from anxiety and lack of sleep, which made my stuttering worse. Still, I finished the project (ASP.NET + Angular) and got 11 out of 12 points - almost a perfect score.

But our frontend guy only got 12 points for a beautiful cover, while I was fixing bugs, creating the backend and connecting everything via API. After all this, I was given even more assignments, and now I can't focus on my own projects. Everyone acts like they know what I should do, but I want to do what I want. I have a few personal projects, but they never moved beyond testing.

What frustrates me the most is the uncertainty - I never know if I will succeed. The chances of failure seem huge. The military pressure makes it worse - if I do nothing, I am sent to war (death sentence), or thrown out on the street, or harshly judged.

Thoughts of suicide used to come a few times a year; now it is almost every day. I do not want to live like this. I am too weak mentally to die, but I feel like I am just existing without hope. On top of that, I am burdened by old wounds and a burning desire to take revenge for all the humiliations I have suffered.

Also, I stutter. Most people don’t really care about it and just ignore it, which is actually good. But a few still mock me, including relatives, saying things like, “If you don’t like it, don’t stutter, or it’s embarrassing for me.”

I am too fatigued for hobbies.

I work from my bed.

I do errands in my spare time.

Life is bad.

Do you think babies are happy? They seem to me to be the one beings that I can't hate. Disgusting, yes, but they can't help it. They have done no wrong and are victims of culture.

Some sure, probably have bad personalities and no empathy. But, when I see a cute baby, it kind of softens my vulnerability. It doesn't happen nowadays maybe because I'm ugly but once upon a time babies would sometimes look at me in public, and smile or something. It's such pure, safe validation. I know they're not wanting to hurt me, or mocking me. It's just a innocent human connection where I'm hopefully making them feel safe.

It's sad I won't be in a position to have a baby on my own but also yeah I can't look after myself let alone a baby so it would be hell.

I 'm n't suicidal but i realized even if i kill myself my family would not be effected that much, i never had a good relationship with any of them at all, not saying that they don't love and care for me at all, but they would recover after a short while, there's n't much to miss about me or that much to grieve upon over my loss.

That Uncle who was always different edition (you,your future) Previous >>297968

anyone here who's a victim and can't grow a pair to strike back. everytime Im in a argument I lose and got btfo and humiliated. the only thing I can do is seethe and cope. any other wizard like that too? it hurts being weak

anyone else not know what theyre gonna do with their future? i had a job at 21 in an amazon facility for about a month, but i lost it because my dad stopped driving me and i had to much anxiety to get myself there. ive been a NEET ever since i dropped out of middle school other than that i have no idea what im gonna do. most days i dont eat because im to anxious to go outside and where i live doesnt help, my dad uses our house as a flophouse for his bum friends to play loud shitty guitar music. i think my future is fucked, it might be better if i spared myself the suffering and committed suicide but i dont have the will to do it, just like i dont have the will to do anything else which is why im in this situation.