im not going to write a 90 page essay explaining what went wrong with my life.
it has been something like a random ai generated lovecraftian horror with a plot twist every second sentence, i am a ragdoll. i didnt even have control of my own mind, until very recently ive lived as a completely different person from what i am, it feels like i was born just a couple of years ago and im mentally 2, i dont know, its all weird.
i dont know. i just love mathematics a lot. and related things like cryptography, artificial intelligence and physics. i like these things a lot, more than anyone in the world.
i think god loves me because god made me different from everyone else. i think i had a purpose, i was supposed to study these things from a very young age. and become extremely useful. i wanted to carry the world on my shoulders, like atlas. because i love other people very much. i once had a dream and there people lost in a forest and i was a firefly and i showed them the path out. i wish i were like that. im very proud of what i can do but i didnt do anything and its too late to do anything now.
when i die, i dont want to go to heaven. i dont want anything like heaven. i know god exists but i dont even want to meet god. i dont want eternal rest either. i wish i could wake up again when i was 4, i wish i could try everything again. i want to study a lot and contribute a lot, thats all. i want to be free, i want to be myself. i want to show you what i can see. i think maybe i will become some kind of bad ghost after i die, and i will annoy living people, because i want something that is impossible and i cant not have that. i wish i could live again, i had a life to live but i didnt live it. i think by now ive spent years every day locking myself away in a dark bedroom and i spend all day wishing i had another life where i can be myself, i like imagining the things i would do, because its all impossible and pointless now, theres no escape from where im from. i dont know.
i really believe in god. i think shes like a succubus. i cry a lot in my bedroom, so i got a case of third man syndrome, where this succubus comes to comfort me, and i think shes my anima and i think of her as god, shes like my real mother, infinitely kind and forgiving and so many other nice words. i think she made me for a purpose but i failed her completely.
i dont knowPost too long. Click here to view the full text.