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/dep/ - Depression

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R: 153 / I: 32

Depression Crawl Thread XXIII

Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.
R: 10 / I: 3

Unable to communicate

I don't really have much to say. That's somewhat the problem. I'd rather not say anything, but the feeling of wanting to vent so as to relieve the pressure of my thoughts/emotions is still there, despite the fact that I can't find anything to say about them.

I feel like I just can't make the right words happen. As if I were pointing at something and somebody tried to ask me what it is and in response I just let out a bunch of "Umms", "Uhhhs", and other assorted exasperations. A proverbial form of duct tape over any sort of expression or communication I make, or would like to make, that I just can't seem to rip off without extreme difficulty or effort, or at least an extreme sense of those things, even though it never truly comes off. Like, even right now, there's something I'm feeling that's bothering me. Simply putting it as, "another night of me feeling depressed & lethargic", would essentially sum it up, but there's more to it than that. Something deeper that I can't grasp or put words to, trying to rearrange it all in such a way that I feel I can say what I really want to say instead of something that feels off the mark even though, "I'm depressed, bored & lethargic", is essentially all it is. Maybe it's just that words, no matter how well they're chosen or put together, can never convey the full breadth of one's emotions or perspective, so there will always feel like there's something missing, leading to a gnawing sense of dissatisfaction & muteness that can never be alleviated.

The lack of articulation, vagueness, beating around a perpetual bush, is exemplified quite well in this clip from TD. That's always how I feel, all the time. Never getting out what I want to say. Just a bunch of, "You know it's….I think what I'm thinking is…..I really just….I don't know." I got a rotten fucking brain of shit that's decayed into advanced ruin after nearly 13 years of perpetual stagnation and to say I can't think clearly would be a massive understatement, so maybe that's just the reason. I was pretty retarded & inarticulate before though, so I don't know. Just shut up. There's a course of action for me to follow. It's all a waste of time and no one cares anyway, so just shut up.

Look at all this shit I wrote. A lot of shit for someone who says they can't communicate. Well, whatever. Just because I typed a lot of shit doesn't mean I suddenly feel like I'm communicating or saying anything of note. More words doesn't mean the right words. The fact is that I'll never come to grips with this sort of thing, no matter what say, so I should ideally just. I don't know. Grit my teeth and bear it basically.

As an aside, I can never post about anything else besides my own problems. Wizzies who have sharp minds and that can post/constructively debate about intellectual things like philosophy or psychology, or what have you, in-depth (like in /hob/ or even sometimes in /wiz/) are certainly something else to myself.
R: 6 / I: 0

Unjustified depression becomes justified?

People talk about depression as if it was a cleary defined illness like a cold. But people experience it differently and the causes for it are unclear. A frequent advice is to try Psychotherapy. And from what I've seen psychotherapy assumes that your depression is mostly caused by bad thought patterns and habits.

I haven't seen anyone talk about this yet surprisingly but for me this seems to be intuitive.

What if your depression started out with bad thought patterns but it was left untreated and then lead to your life genuinly sucking making depression a justified thing to experience?
R: 20 / I: 3
Does anyone else waste their time in the most inane way possible? Like watching reviews for things you even afford? Reading threads discussing a video game you never played? At this point when I manage to watch a movie or play a singleplayer video game it feels like an accomplishment even though for others that's what they consider wasting time. I have no topics to talk about with anyone. Obviously can't talk about any social experiences with normal people but also can't even talk to geeks because I rarely consume any new media and I also can't talk to intellectuals because I don't read books or visit any cultural events.
R: 80 / I: 15

Suicide General

The last suicide general has hit the bump limit.
Previous thread:
>>209199
R: 5 / I: 0

UK Engand meetup for suicide?

I'm looking for others who will like to end their life. I would have liked a painless drug induced death however i'm too dumb for the dark web and don't know where to get Any strong opiods in real life. However, I'm going to start starving myself. Ensuring that if i don't recieve the death i would much prefer. I will be dead in 2 months. Uk anons. We could work together since Many brains is better than one. Please reply if your interested. I want to get this over with.

I don't know what way we could contact each other, However this is my protonmail: hanklowdown@protonmail.com

if i'm not allowed to post this here. Please forgive my ignorance moderators and don't ban me.

Thanks.
R: 23 / I: 0

CO Poising

in relation to the fellow anon who heroed using this method to produce Carbon monoxide. Here is the archive: https://archive.li/tT1Qs#selection-1271.18-1271.29

Which sites can one aquire Formic and sulfuric Acid Within the EU. I'm having a real hard time finding sites that will sell these acids without lots of identification and ordering it as a retail customer and not a business or education instition.

Any fellow anons that could help me. Since this does seem like a really good method.
R: 22 / I: 2

Wizardry and personality disorders

I am curious,from a research point of view, it seems more wizards either have Borderline or Schizoid Personality disorder.

If you were born to be a wizard, you must likely are a schizoid. If you were born normal but got turned into a wizard from childhood trauma then you mudt likely have BPD.

I am not hypochondriac. I had a strong depression episode last quarter and I almost got hospitalized multiple times but where I live they can't force le into the psych ward so I almost end up homeless but that's another story.

Both are untreatrable social constructs in my opinion. All I know is I'll be a loner forever, I have strong emotions and I don't like to admit that, I have a world that I created just for myself. My world revolves around it. Music, literature, lifting, playing instrents, composing, playing videogames until I die. There's more into it but I don't want a wall of text.
R: 295 / I: 35

Wageslave General

end of the fucking decade edition

previous >>208323
R: 178 / I: 135

depressing images

Post nothing but depressing pictures. You can add depressing text, personal anecdotes, et cetera to your post, but each one must contain a depressing image. preferably grayscale and "artsy" but any "blackpill" pictures suffice. I am in the mood to expand my collection.
R: 71 / I: 12

Imaginary friend thread

Hey. I posted this thread on lounge, but I think this board would be a better place to discuss it. I have had an imaginary friend now for about 5 years. I created her when I was in a dark place, and since then she has helped me get my life together and improve myself tremendously. I am quite honestly sure she saved my life.

This is one of those things I feel could help a lot of people out (and not just people dealing with depression), but it's something that isn't really considered by many people - most people don't really take imaginary friends seriously - and so I kinda want to raise awareness a bit.

You can call her a tulpa if you want, but I prefer to avoid that term. She is entirely in my head, and she's not magical at all, so keep that in mind. Anyone can make one, and you don't need any crazy rituals or leaps of faith to do so, you just need to put in a little effort.

I'll try to answer every question, even questions of a more intimate / personal nature, and if you want to ask her anything, I can relay the question to her. If you want to talk about your own experiences dealing with these things, please do, it's always nice to know me and my partner aren't alone in this.

Stay strong!
R: 16 / I: 1

Things to watch while depressed

What do you guys watch when you're absolutely fucked, stuck in bed, but still bored as hell and need shit to consume? Most anime, movies, any form of media just makes me feel more like shit since it's all fantasy worlds that I will never be able to live in, or it's nonfictional about people with better lives than me. I can't watch anime without wishing I lived in it's world. If you guys have any good things to watch while depressed, go ahead and post. I'll leave the few I like below, so you get a better idea of what I'm asking for.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZqEDhKKPl-o
https://youtu.be/vO3aTsG_yfY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R5apoJAsImg
https://youtu.be/qQyOcv9dJ2A
R: 38 / I: 5

Fucking hate my mom

I hate my mom, i never stood a chance because of her, she's mentally ill and emasculated and feminized me, ive suffered so much because of her. i fuckin hate my sister and my mother. anything I've done she shuns me,
as if im a fuck up which i am but I've given up at this point, at one point i was trying and i decided why bother . I fucking hate my mother, i only respect my father who i am sorry to but fuck my mother, i fucking hate her she never admits her faults and blames me, I was a fuckin kid you piece of shit. at least she's dying now and i told her what to do to cure her illness but she says how I'm a mentally unstable she won't take my advice lmao, okay you stupid bitch then go ahead and die. Where's your god now stupid bitch
R: 2 / I: 0
'Permitting oneself to be dehumanized, to be robbed of one’s autonomy, is in itself no lesser sin than participating in the dehumanization of others; it entails permitting oneself to become an instrument in the realization of ends posited by others.'

- Arne Johan Vetlesen
R: 58 / I: 4

Eternal oblivion after death

I despise life to an upmost extreme and I want to know that the certainty of eternal void after death is a sure thing ?

I would scared if there is endless reincarnation. I don't how come I seem to exist in the first place but I want to be in endless non existence state.
R: 7 / I: 1

FUCK

I feel that I'm so stupid, so inherently fucking retarded that I don't deserve to live. I fucking hate being alive and i see no reason to do so beyond obligation to perform busy work
R: 8 / I: 0

Sharing wizard knowledge

I've acquired wizard knowledge through the years, I want to share it for wizards that still suffer, it might help you. Feel free to rebute what I say.

1. Life is meaningless and absurd. There is no purpose in life, happiness is not the end goal. Embrace the absurdity of life and unshackle yourself from society's expectations. Be a free wizard, find a transient purpose on the things you really enjoy, until the day you die.

2. You can't external situations but you can control your perspective of it.

3. The opinions and expectations of others don't matter. If people don't care about you, why should you care about them?

4. Anger, rage, depression, negative emotions. They're force. You can use this force as leverage to anything you want. In my case the most depressed and suicidal I am, the more vividly I can write or play guitar or lift harder.

5. Mental illness is real. Like diabetes or cancer. Take care of your self. Take care of your own health in general.

6. Morality is a social construct. Do what's better for you.
R: 11 / I: 1

Mental health thread

Thread to discuss mental health issues.

Please tell me what you think of this:

So I'm relatively typical of a wizard. Quiet, reserved and no social life. Not a care in the world about those things, it's besides my point. I've often heard my name being called in public (work, or back in school. sometimes when I am shopping) and I heard it's normal? Fine. Also I often hear complete sentances, like from my boss or my mom but after I reply they are confused and tell me they didn't say anything. I also have seen things. Often I see a giant leopard or some large cat run on the road which later transforms into a car. Often seen people walks toward me and as I look again they dissapear. Have seen a figure in my house twice over the last 2 years which was very clear and scary. After I look again it's gone. I'm a little worried about this, should I get this checked out?
R: 113 / I: 12
How did you or your parents ruined your life? What did cause your transformation to wizard?
R: 35 / I: 9

Anti-depression posters.

Post motivational posters that help reduce depression……………………………………………………….
R: 21 / I: 0
Does anyone else feel like their body sabotages their mind?

Say you have two incredibly promising pianists, but one of them randomly develops arthritis. They are both competing for some spot in an orchestra or something.

It doesn't matter what the sick musician does to help himself, the arthritis doesn't go away even with multiple treatments, so he forces himself to still keep playing through the pain. Although he accepts his reality, it's never easy to deal with chronic pain that comes at random times and possibly will force you to give up on lifelong dreams, so he persists.

Even if both of them always had the same aptitude for music, the arthritis makes the hand not respond properly to the brain commands and those minor mistakes add up to losing the spot on the orchestra. The mind was all there, but the body just sabotaged it. There was no way to prevent this.

How the fuck is the arthritis pianist supposed to live with that?

This is just a random example. It doesn't have to be piano, arthritis or joining an orchestra. But I feel like this example is an analogy of almost everything I have experienced in my life and I can't fucking handle my body breaking anymore. I see happy people everywhere with their working bodies, leading normal lives and I know I could do so well to if mine would just stop breaking.
R: 12 / I: 0
January 18th, my birthday. Who fucking cares, fucking waba grill. My fucking herd of a family stumbled in and literally screams that it's my fucking birthday today with childish grind on their faces, as if humanity actually cares lol. The entire staff of waba grill literally sung me my birthday in the middle of this dingy ass restaurant surrounded by Asians pretending not to stare. And my family wonders why I'm fucking suicidal.
R: 3 / I: 0
The fact that certain things can happen in the world, combined in such a way that causes very specific types and intensities of suffering to some specific people. I just can't get over this.

Life can hurt you in such specific ways that feel so unlikely. It feels almost statistically impossible that certain events would happen in my life so as to bring me to where I am now. And it never stops. No matter how many treatments, self discoveries, copes and whatever the fuck.

It never ends, and it's always so exceedingly specific. If tomorrow I randomly developed an ultra specific phobia of yellow ladybugs, you can be sure there would be a massive infestation of yellow lady bugs specifically on my street within the next few months.

What the fuck is this shit.
R: 22 / I: 5

How do you cope

I have to re-learn how to manage mentall ilness without using alcohol or drugs everyday.

How do you do it? I am sober from one day to another and I remember that I powerlift and that I do music and write poems but I don't feel like doing any of that.

I can rant for hours on how life is absurd and how good thar is because if you embrace absurdism you're free to do what you want; but at the same time I can't control myself or manage my feelings.

So thia wizard has been sober for 36 hours and depressed for decades. How can I forget that substancea cure depression, at least for a couple of hours? I started hating vidya, mango and chans and I pretty much only lurk here.
R: 129 / I: 9
What keeps you going in life?

My life is shit, my goals and dreams are impossible to reach and I'm tired. I hate having to strive and work so hard to achieve what most people have so easy.
R: 3 / I: 1

screaming into void

I am a year from wizhood, but my brain has been deteriorating for the past couple of years. I was told by a professor that the cogitative capacity of the brain peaks around 25 years of age. I guess clarity until 28 was a blessing. The ability to articulate a coherent idea in any language is all but gone for me. I marvel at your longposts. The ability to dive into a topic at length and with great nuance and beauty is like a superpower from my point of view. Far out of reach now. Various streams of destructive thought have developed and lingered in my mind, beginning as verbal statements and evolving into emotions. Now they have coagulated into something like a constant wail in the deep folds of my mind, one that words can hardly describe. One that drowns out rationality, a feeling that generates melancholy like a factory. An apocalyptic doom pervades my psyche. Regret on regret in the great wail, brick on brick in a great wall. Something that cannot be dealt with rationally: the true cause of terror. Slowly I become paralyzed, and looking at this world I can't even weep, because I can no longer feel enough as the wail burns out my capacity to.

So many things in this world I hate. That's what this post was going to be about. But complaining and commiserating, what really does it gain us? Childhood is over, but I grew up to be a monster not an adult. I have gleaned all of humanities perversion like a buzzard tearing putrid flesh. Too late did I realize that everything I consume actually becomes me, mutates my insides. My personality is a turd compressed with the weight of mortality into a smelly diamond with a facet for every person, every situation, and every justification. There used to be restraint in private, but it has evaporated. There used to be morality, but it has been conquered by the lower functions of the brain, which exert their power daily as the cortex decomposes. Soon I will become neanderthal, then homo erectus, then australopithicus, then a lizard, a fish, ultimately some kind of jelly. I am indistinguishable from a zoo ape in my natural privacy.

As I write this I am disgusted by so many things. I am disgusted by my aging body and the minor pains that grow daily. I am disgusted by this wretched language drenched in uselessness, connotation, and engineered meaninglessness. I am disgusted by my isolation induced self-absorption. I am disgusted by commercialism. I am disgusted by constantly having deal with cyclical problems. I am disgusted by lies told by everyone. I am disgusted by all beliefs and systems. I am disgusted by life and its apologists. I am disgusted by the ungrateful wealthy. I am disgusted by the happy slaves. I am disgusted by homeostasis and unnatural conditions. The chorus of disgust cannot be chronicled in a hundred lifetimes, because the chant is disgust in the cathedral of pain.

Now to the banality, as I have tried my best to make a worthwhile post as I used to. These days it gets caught up in abstraction and overwrought phantasmagoria. However, it seems that the trick to writing a longpost is embracing a dearth of efficiency and adopting, as long as the purpose is not to educate, a kind of narcissism. I can only hope that in the process of forging a longpost that the descriptors do not weigh down the substance, of which there is little, mirroring the buck collapsed by sensational and tragically debilitating antlers. From a certain, plebeian point of view, decorated text is actually hideous, as actual useful information is buried under heaps of indulgent verbage. Why plebeian? Because when one is scraping to get to the top like a race rat, there is no pausing to sniff the flowers. Eventually, the unlucky rodents realize that the cheese is guarded by Schrodinger's cat and begin spiralling into themselves. Racing sideways, chasing the tail, eating the racetrack, nibbling the competitor. Those same unlucky rats, may find the beauty in pointless decoration, word salad, watching grass grow, staring at walls. These are the pastimes of the true aristocrats of spirit: the madmen. Discard now narcissism. Sadly, I am still unable to longpost.

I hope that somehow I have managed to convey my problem via my inability to say anything while saying a lot of things.
R: 29 / I: 3

Living with disgusting people

Would you like to share some disgusting things people you live with do? I live with my mother and father, here's some things that really disgust me

Dad:
>Often wears underwear and his genitals hang out of them when he sits down
>Loudly "hucks?" up flem from his throat
>Yawns like a fucking wolf
>Picks nose and ears and touches everything afterwards
>Sneezes on my computer screen and sometimes my food
>pisses on the toilet seat and floor

My mother is too much, but she's mentally ill so I try to not let hers bother me
R: 18 / I: 0

the truth

I hate I can't forgive my parents. I still remember how more than half of my life has been physical, psychological abuse, humilliation, denigration thanks to them.

I still remember being 19 and having inmsonia because I am a fucking wizard and I have to wagecuck. Dad carpools me to work, and one night I couldn't sleep at all and I begged dad to turn down his music I hate, and he just screams me to shut the fuck up, that it was HIS car, that I'll stop being a little bitch when I owned my own car.

My mom brainwashing me into believing everything she said to appease me. I believed fucking Santa was real till fourth grade. That made me an atheist as a young kid. So everyone knew I was an atheist at 10.

That instantly cemented myself as being an outsider, which turned into wizardry.

Crazy shit.
R: 32 / I: 3

Inventory is empty

Reading the end of the wizards thread I wondered:

What's it like to be a wizard without any hobbies or interests? (Or at least interests and hobbies that USED to be associated with wizards?)

I've been slowly shedding my old hobbies and interests as they became mainstream (even degenerate otaku porn fetishes have this slowly increasing normalcy) and now I'm down to a couple things I still enjoy a little.

Any wizards who actually live without any real hobbies? I know I'm asking for a lot but I'd like responses from actual wizards or people close to wizardhood like the latter half of your 20s.
R: 3 / I: 0
Do you think he is right?

2me its a very relative thing a happy will surely not agree with it
R: 11 / I: 0
>been doing nothing but browsing /mlp/ all day and night
>not working on assignments
>not working on anything I'm supposed to be doing to keep my life functional
>read fanfiction all day and night, have barely enough motivation to start writing my own
>haven't shaved. My facial hair comes in in only like 3 spots and it looks horrible.
>barely enough motivation to bathe/eat
>just want to read fanfiction until i evaporate
>I've even been slacking on my tulpaforcing,

when do i get to disintegrate already
R: 9 / I: 1

Mediocrity

Has anyone here experienced the pain of being completely untalented? I dream of being something, of being a genius, but I'm a fucking nobody. In my post, I'll not even write about any success. I'm ready to be an ugly, pimply, fat guy with no social life, but an amazing brain. My mother is a stupid optimistic cunt who adores children. Typical succubus. Disgustingly. I didn't inherit anything good from her. My father is not very bright either. He's running a decaying business that's about to fall apart. The businessman from it is extremely shitty. A talented person was my reserved grandfather, who was interested in space and was so autistic that he made crosswords for scientific newspapers. I'm proud of him. He read a lot of science fiction, including the Strugatsky brothers. Worked as an engineer. I would like to be very similar to him, but I am a loser who got terrible grades in school and did not understand a damn thing about physics and mathematics, which I find interesting but incomprehensible to me, and this is very unpleasant for me. Most people are comfortable with the fact that they are just stupid meat, protoplasm, and brainless consumers. I want to reach unwritten heights, to be a gloomy mysterious scientist. I'm most attracted to high technology and what's happening in Silicon Valley. I am a big fan of the USA and I dream of moving there (this dream will never come true). Nothing happens in the country I live in. Despondency, devastation and corruption. If I had talent and a high IQ, I would have escaped from this hell long ago. Even when I try to watch interviews with Elon Musk or other prominent people, I don't understand a damn thing, because I'm stupid. I always find it difficult to go deep enough into something, because I don't have enough patience and perseverance, I immediately start getting angry and desperate. Hell, I hate what's in my skull. There's nothing there, just a vacuum! Funnier than ever. For some reason, something gives me confidence that there are talented people here. Maybe someone is engaged in music, art, programming? Tell us about your life. Are you happy with it? Being a wizard doesn't mean being untalanted. This means that you are over 30 and that you are a virgin. That's all. Why was I unlucky? I hate this fucking world.
R: 11 / I: 2

Cancer

I have a skin disease called Vitiligo, I have white spots around 30% of my body at 25. I live in a very sunny and hot country and it's sunny all day long. The sun burns me easily.

I am more prone to having moles. I was born with two moles in my dick, one in my glans and one bellow it, only had the one in the glans partially removed by a doctor recently.

Just got the news it was pre-cancerous but it got "entirely removed and I am safe" which is a lie because there is still part of that mole in my glans. Didn't know where else to share this. Wrote my mom even though I cut off contact with parents.

Still gotta remove two moles from my back, one and a half from my dick, one from my hip and one from my knee. All potentially cancerous.

Irony. I wasn't afraid of attempting suicide multiple times. I haven't been afraid at the face of ODing on drugs. I could kill myself right now if I wanted to. I don't value my life BUT fucking cancer scares me.
R: 39 / I: 1
“The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn.”
R: 18 / I: 3
What would be a good platform to stream suicide? Twitch would instantly ban.
R: 18 / I: 0

bad neighbours

my neighbour suddenly started listening to music every day from 1am-3am, this happened the past 5 days already
I asked my father to talk politely to him to make him stop, but my father said that it's his right to listen to music in his own house, and since the sound isn't very loud we can't do anything about it
while the music isn't loud, it is right next to my window (my neighbour's room and mine face each other) and it's waking me up every night and I can't sleep while it's playing so I have to wait it to stop before I can sleep again
I'm an anxious wreck right now, I dread even being in my room at night because I know I'll get woke up by music again
is there anything I can do? is it really legal to listen to music at 1am as long as it isn't too loud? That seens so unfair
I told my mom I would talk to the neighbor myself since my dad doesn't want to, but she told me not to do it since my dad said no and it might make things worse
I feel so depressed, I even started sleeping on the couch in the living room yesterday
It's not the first time I have a bad neighbor either, it seens I attract these people to me. I feel like god is playing a prank on me just to make me suffer
it may seen like I'm whining but trust me, if you ever dealt with things like this you'll know it. The pain is real. Even when the music stops you're constantly anxious, thinking "when will it start again?"
Is my dad a cuck for refusing to talk to this guy? or is he right and I'm just too sensitive? It's waking up my sister too so it's not just me
R: 20 / I: 0

Go back to drinking and using or not

I am a level 25 apprentice wizard.

I am contemplating whether I should go back to drinking and using, at least for some days. I can't deal with the withdrawals and I am already constantly suicidal and depressed, which makes me drink and use more.

I've been living day to day, I can't bear it anymore, with all my supposed wisdom and knowledge, nothing matters, mortality is guaranteed and life is suffering (for everyone, not just for wizards).

So if I decide to maintain sobriety, what's the point of it? On the other hand if I go back to using I get guaranteed suffering.

Addiction is crazy, I can't describe it. It overtakes all your thoughts and feelings and emotions. You're no longer hungry or worried, your body is anticipating your next fix.

I do a weak opiate, hard liquor, a strong benzo and weed at the same time. That's my favorite cocktail. There are no strong opiates where I live.

So should I fucking do it or not, what would you do?
R: 51 / I: 11

How do I deal with being inferior?

I feel like there are very few people who consider themselves inferior untermenschen. Even the people who bitch about how oppressed they are. They don't think they are innately inferior, they think just society and various forces unjustly treat them as inferior, when they are not. Even crabs seem to think they are superior in many ways, and its just females primitive attraction to archaic features that holds them down.

How many Calvinists believe they are one of the predestined to hell?

There has to be inferior people. Its implied in competition, inequality, hierarchy. Maybe people accept it, because even though there are superiors above them, theres always an inferior below them to shit on and that makes it worth it. I'm the Atlas holding up the whole world on my back, as the most inferior being. The 2nd most inferior man in the world can shit on me and feel a superior man.

Maybe as a NEET, hikki, wizard who has totally dropped out of and withdrawn from society and social interaction none of this should bother me. But even places like Wizchan will trigger me, in reminding me of who I'm that I exist as this person.

I feel like there is no way of dealing with being inferior. Everything you hear, will either try to convince you that you're not really inferior, or give you self-help self-improvement advice on how not to be inferior. We can't all be winners. Some have to be losers. And one has to be the biggest loser in the world. idk I guess suicide is the obvious answer. But its where my inferior character shows itself again. The cowardice, incompetence, klutziness, fear, laziness, sloth, complacency, passivity, hypocrisy all comes out. I'm too embarrassed to even walk into a gun store, without looking like a suspect. I worry about messing up any method involving arts and crafts. I'm so under the thumb of my parents, that its like a 10 year old trying suicide, and just being gone for 1 day will draw their attention. I put it off to tomorrow like every other project of my life.
R: 20 / I: 0
If something good or bad happens in my life it will only temporarily change my happiness level, but after a couple days I always end up back at the same level.

Even after 10 years of NEETing and finally getting a job I felt like my life would be over, but such a huge change like that had little actual effect on my happiness overall.

My question is:
Has anyone here permanently changed their happiness level one way or the other?
Has anyone ever seriously tried (even failed attempts)?

Feel free to post any information related to this concept and if there's any hope for long term change.
R: 25 / I: 1

what's your wizard insight on this?

Serious post, don't delete. Am I wrong for thinking this way? I need the input of other wizards.

I am 25. I've lived through physical abuse, mental disease, psych wards, meds, poverty, severed all ties with family, near death experiences, failed suicide attempts, constant humiliation, you know the drill.

I see everything clear, or I've turned legit crazy and haven't realized:
>life is absurd and meaningless
>social constructs of society don't matter, realizing this I am no longer shackled to them
>only care about my reality, I stop caring about judging or being judged
>realize that I am free to seek transient happiness in the "small things" that I enjoy, until I die
>realize mental illness is like diabetes and that I should take care of myself

With this in mind I feel calm. Or I am having a gigantic delusion and will snap shortly.
R: 3 / I: 0

I am in Hell.

I know that what is ahead of me is worse than where I am right now. But there is no way of stopping myself from going there. I have created Hell around me, for myself alone. There is no escaping it. And I fear that, in death, I will be forced to confront how pathetic and deserving of Hell I truly am.

I want to burn into nothingness, but I don't think that is possible. Because my imprint on eternity is real. My patheticness is real. My failures are real and permanent. My betrayals and disappointments and idiocies are real and permanent and important (eternal). Who needs Satan? We are our own Satans. It is by our own doing that we sever ourselves from goodness, strength and meaning.

I wish suicide would alleviate the pain, but it won't. All that I can do is continue these infernal loops and cycles that my brain has made for itself. I pray to God that I can break free. But there is nowhere to go when you have created Hell within yourself.

I will always be pathetic and low for how I have spent and not spent these 24 years of life. With every ticking second, I can hear the sneers of eternity and the ringing doom that I myself have wrought.
R: 6 / I: 0

Wizard volatility

I am not datamining, I am just a wizard interested in clinical psychology, given that I've soent time in a psych ward before. Would you kindly answer these questions?

>How aggressive are you? Try using real life examples as reference.



In my case I've been kicked out from living place 3 times. Have had confrontation with policemen. Got into ER because of a fight.But I hold grudges for long time but I am incapable of randomly hurting someone unless I am dettached from reality (high stress, intoxication, psychosis).


>do you have mood swings or just a constant negative feeling?


I have constant negative internal feelings. I have strong mood swings when someone else is involved, and this is important to me because I am forced into wagecuck service. So I go from "I don't hate you" to "you're plotting against me" back and forth very fast. I hate admitting it but I feel happiness and optimism when I engage in the few hobbies I still enjoy (lifting, playing instruments, writing something genuine). But that's transient, when they stop I go back to intense negative feelings.

>do you care about other wizards


I do. I feel this life chose us,and that unite us all.
R: 12 / I: 5

Has anybody else unintentionally trained their own brains to tortuously gaslight itself?

I can't even hang a few posters without hyperventilating & losing my mind like the high strung freak that I currently am and have always been. Even something as simple & trivial as that, leaves me absolutely demolished with stress. Even the smallest difficulties get amplified to ridiculous levels from my skewed & half-demented perspective. For instance, two of the posters I was just able to hang on pre-existing nails, easy as you please, but the third one needed a new nail of its own hammered in, so as to not have it appear as completely crooked. Simply hammering a nail had me sweating proverbial bullets. "What if I do it wrong? What if I put it in the wrong place and then need to remove it and take it out again? What if the banging causes everything to fall down?", and on and on in my head to the point of a migraine. Fortunately, I got the nail in & was able to hang the poster without much fuss, but the toll on my psyche, insofar as stressing over all the possible ways it could go wrong, was quite intense all the same. That wasn't the end of it though, since the fourth, and last, poster I had to hang, I somehow managed to slide in upside down in regards to its frame, which then required me to take apart said frame, in order to sort it the right way. Throughout all the this I'm swearing to myself, berating myself and practically losing my entire composure over what to most would be considered only a minor inconvenience.

I know I'm not mentally well. I have a diagnosis for autism, so these sorts of challenges are really just par for the course and I've grappled with them all my life. I do feel bad for my mother though, who's often a collateral victim of my meltdowns. I actually asked her into my room to get her opinion on whether the posters were straight or not and only a few moments later I was berating her ceaselessly to just get the hell out and leave me alone. This was preceding the issues I mentioned with my poster frames, since I didn't want her invasive presence around while I tried to sort it out. I'm also very uptight about others being in my room in a general sense and the fact she was trying to make herself comfortable and wanted to sit for a while really triggered me. All in all, I should count myself fortunate that she's such a patient individual and, for the most part, accommodates all these many hang ups of mine.

I really hate what a pathetic freak I am. Why am I like this? Why have I always been like this? Even now, I'm not free from myself. "What if the posters fall down somehow? What if they're ruined in some way I haven't noticed yet? What if thinking about this will cause something awful to happen?" It's always the same. Every single time. It's gotten so bad, I even try to gaslight & convince myself of things that didn't happen, which is a relatively recent evolution on all this that's popped up within the last couple years and is a sign to me of how much more deranged I'm becoming. It's basically like having that one Cardassian commander from TNG who mindfucked Picard stuck in my head, whispering to me things I know are demonstrably false, but still manage to stick in my head & torture me to the point where I almost start to believe them and begin to feel the intense anxiety & panic from something that didn't even fucking happen. Below is an example of how all this swirls in my head, as confusing as I'm sure it will appear to anyone else.

>Hey, that picture frame just fell down.

>Huh, no it didn't.
>Oh, but it did. You're clearly mistaken. How can you even know your own memory anyway? Someone like you can't be certain of anything. After all, you're the one trying to torture yourself like this. All because you have no firm grasp on your own reality and so you fear that you might not be able to know with certainty, one way or the other, what has happened and what hasn't. Memories are nothing more than a malleable soup, even those from a few moments ago. You can't grasp hold of anything.
>This awful, seemingly never ending feedback loop is very naturally the result of a defective brain, gone haywire in a myriad of ways. By reminding myself of this, I can attempt to remain on even footing. Still, is all this merely another form of my self-hatred made manifest, or just a product of intense paranoia? Why is it so hard to confirm with myself what I know to be true? To constantly fight against myself in an attempt to grasp what should otherwise be beyond consideration. Why is the worst scenario I can think of, always the one I try to convince myself happened, or will happen shortly? Is it because it's what I think I deserve, or is it that my fear & anxiety, by the bewildering force of constantly worrying & hyperventilating over such things, wills it into what has already passed in my memory, trying to supplant the reality with the fear of what might have occurred, as if that's what actually happened?

I wonder what it feels like to not be partially insane & autistic. To not crumble and fall into the fetal position, or get lost in the throes of a hypochondriac induced meltdown, over the most minor of obstacles. To not have to agonize over these things constantly & all the crazy shit I inflict on myself & others, leading to intense self-loathing & other assorted forms of misery. At the very least, being able to think clearly & not have my sanity be worn down daily via obsessive thought rituals & self-inflicted gaslighting, would make life a lot less of a hassle. I often fantasize about how overwhelmingly restful that would be.
R: 302 / I: 42

Suicide General

The last suicide general has hit the bump limit.
Previous thread:
>>201553
R: 73 / I: 4
Anyone here legit have brain damage?

I've never got a brain scan to confirm it, but I'm 99 percent sure I do. 10 years ago when I was 16 I was beaten really badly by a white knight. He hit me with a punch off guard and stomped on my head repeatedly. I was able to get up and go home and never saw a doctor, but I was never the same since that day.

I began stuttering even though I never did before that day, my grades tanked, my thinking became scattered, I became less coordinated, I forget words, even common words, very easily, and my typing speed tanked. I remember my goal used to be to be able to consistently type at 100 wpm and I did those online things to test it and I went from consistently being in the 80-90 wpm range all the way down to 35-40. I also remember literally nothing that happened before middle school, but who knows if that's related.

I think about getting a brain scan to confirm my suspicions but I know nothing can be done about it if that's the case, so why bother. Part of my likes to cling to hope that I just have some sort of mental block that I'll magically snap out of.
R: 3 / I: 0

Can anyone relate?

Do you ever see people do something, be it in real life, television, a documentary, youtube,you name it, and then you have that very strange feeling that you want to appreciate what the person is doing because you are not better yourself but you cannot stop yourself from thinking that this certain behaviour displays all what is wrong with life and generally shows the retardedness of our existence?

For example I see a person do physical exercise (can be everything though, from a twitch stream or porn video to a guy waiting in line at the cashier) and while I do this myself sometimes I cannot help but think how pointless it all is. Rationally I admire that person and think that what he is doing is completely fine but there is this quiet but relentless voice in me that says that this is really sad, dismal and in vain. Everything is in vain for me but when I transfer this attitude to others it feels unfair and I hate myself for it but I can't stop this. I am not really thinking I am better than them at that point but that we all are equally screwed somehow. Yet it is solely me who is the real misplaced element here.
In those situations I almost have a sense of pity for that person. And this is awful because in fact I wish I could just be as absorbed in what I am doing as the persons I observe. I know that that person is not doing anything out of the ordinary and yet there is this strange very uneasy feeling of distance and abstract compassion at the same time. Maybe this is what people feel when they think of persons like me who sit in front of the computer all day long. Like, what do you feel when you watch a person on a hidden camera in his room in front of his pc all day long? Somehow that would seem sad and pathetic to me. Yet this is all I do.

I don't know probably I am miserable at describing my experience and unable to convey the point of this thread.
Pic related is such a case where I get this feeling.
R: 2 / I: 0


Solitude -by Ella Wheeler Wilcox


Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone.
For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth,
But has trouble enough of its own.
Sing, and the hills will answer;
Sigh, it is lost on the air.
The echoes bound to a joyful sound,
But shrink from voicing care.

Rejoice, and men will seek you;
Grieve, and they turn and go.
They want full measure of all your pleasure,
But they do not need your woe.
Be glad, and your friends are many;
Be sad, and you lose them all.
There are none to decline your nectared wine,
But alone you must drink life's gall.

Feast, and your halls are crowded;
Fast, and the world goes by.
Succeed and give, and it helps you live,
But no man can help you die.
There is room in the halls of pleasure
For a long and lordly train,
But one by one we must all file on
Through the narrow aisles of pain.
R: 27 / I: 3
Normies are evil and fake.

When you re alone face to face with one normie he will most likely act normal, not be rude neither aggresive towards you.

But when that particular normie will be in group of people he will start acting like some animal fighting for domination. He will act stupid, say stupid things and sometimes even be aggresive, nasty.

I hate them. I was always an outcast and I will ever be. I wish I could get neetbux and never get close to normies anymore.

But thats not possible.

If you re different from normies and you are in some place that requires socialization, then you re fucked
R: 9 / I: 1
"You can change."

No, I can't. I don't exist. I am a nonentity. No one will ever want me. No one will ever help me. I just have to wait until some horrible death claims me or I build up the courage to terminate the miserable "life" I was cursed with. I never asked to be born into this Hell. And now, I'm not even real; but there is this meatbody, this ugly, fat, disgusting meatbody; that must experience pain, loneliness, isolation and despair. Those are the only things that are real. There is hope, but it is only another evil which taunts with all that we will never have so we can never accept that things will never get better and only ever get worse.
R: 10 / I: 2

Achievements

the only thing i have done this decade was wasting my fucking time

i wish i was never born
R: 22 / I: 1
tell me what you've been doing lately
three lines or less i don't have the attention span to completely read anything longer even 3 might be a stretch
R: 303 / I: 53

Depression Crawl Thread XXII

Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.
R: 17 / I: 0

My thoughts

I' am a level 25 wizard. Obviously spending these holidays alone.

I'm an accountant/auditor by proffession. 2020 I want to study psychology and get into clinical psychology so wizards don't become misguided and suffer more.

I'm partt of the "system" myself, been to the psych ward and ER related to psychiatric shit that could had been avoided had I known helping mechanisms/a helping hand.

Look at this site. It's a network. Imagine something like this IRL. A fellow wizard helping another fellow wizard, supporting each other, sharing thoughts. No more suffering. Call me a fool or a deluded idiot.
R: 14 / I: 4

Stupid people

Now I want to talk about really stupid people we know/live with. First of all I want to make it clear I know a lot of us consider ourselves dumb, and can't pick up studying or learning a hobby or any of that. That's not what I mean. I am talking about people who are normies, who do REALLY fucking dumb things.

My dad bought a motorbike a few years ago. And EVERY day he would leave it on the driveway, turned on while he'd go inside and take a shit or something. Well today someone jumped on it and stole it. We have no cameras, no insurance. And my dad is pretending he knows "killers" he's going to send out. The fucking retard doesn't even remember the number plate!!!!!

I told him every day to not leave it outside and turned on. Holy shit how can you do something so dumb!?

This is a BAD area too. WHY DO IT!?

Our household lost about 5,000 USD because of this, and we struggle to eat. Can't complain too much as he's the only one who works but holy shit look after your possessions…
R: 16 / I: 1

I'm so empty

I don't have any knowledge about anything; I barely know how to tie my shoes. I still have no idea how I managed to finish high school, everybody there hated me for no reason and my grades were pretty mediocre. If I remember right I think I repeated 3 or 4 years. I know nothing of culture, politics, literature, movies, music, basically everything. I'm still trapped in my child stage of life and I haven't grown out of it. All I've done so far in my life is play old video games and randomly browse the internet. I never felt and put any effort into anything requiring responsibility, and I still have an apathetic and lazy attitude towards everything.
I'm just a parasite now and I'll become something less and less human as the years go on, years and years of staying in my room with my computer have damaged my ability to empathize and communicate. I have no what idea what do or what will happen to me once my parents die which isn't going to take too long considering they are old and sick. My birthday was last week and none of them remembered. Or anybody for that matter.
R: 44 / I: 9

Anhedonia. What has been your experience with it?

Another shitty anhedonic riddled day to get through. Great. One of my most sincere wishes, and perhaps, hilariously enough, I'm alone in feeling this way even on Wizchan, but I really fucking wish I could just enjoy getting lost in modern entertainment again, specifically video games.

Fuck all this "I want an actual 'skill' I can use/learn", "indulging in escapism isn't what you should be doing", "escapism is bad", blah, blah, norman-tier bullshit I've seen so many idiots on this site endlessly parrot or go on about. In my case, I just want, desperately want, for this sort of stuff to enrapture/occupy me the way it used to and for it to always do so until the day I die. Anhedonia is literally the devil incarnate. Years of this fucking shit now. YEARS. Fuck, I hate this. Fucking hell, I hate this. Why can't you just leave me alone? God damned unending pestilence. Everything else is perfect (has been for years upon years now), but nope. Chronic anhedonia's gotta eventually fuck it all up & ruin everything. Like being in an idyllic garden full of ripe fruit, that end up as ash in one's mouth the moment they take a bite. This is so fucking shit man. Why couldn't humanity have evolved from a species that doesn't suffer from this kind of garbage? Is anhedonia just endemic to consciousness itself, or just shit eating apes specifically? Sometimes I fucking wonder. Because you know what, yeah. By rights, I should be able to just get drunk on vidya, or whatever else, 24/7. Why the fuck shouldn't I? Anhedonia, that's why. It's not fucking fair, man. I just want to actually enjoy what I'm doing, like I used to. Is that so much to ask? These days, it's like fucking pulling teeth to do this shit! A constant fucking struggle! What the hell? WHY? I swear to fuck, I'd even give up my sizable NEETbux if it meant I never had to suffer from this kind of debilitating joylessness ever again. I wish I could just somehow choke the life out of this fucking demon. Anhedonia literally makes a mockery of my entire existence.

Drugs & alcohol are not an option for me. So for all you wizzies out there quick to suggest, "Durrrr, juz get drunk & smoke dat weed, lol", please keep it to yourself. The only sort of "advice" I could possibly expect to get at this point, even from Wizchan. Either that, or norman-like finger-wagging & condemnation from those cretins I mentioned earlier who jack themselves off to Jordan Peterson at night, or whomever the hell else who epitomizes the sort of flagrant bullshit they spew. You know how sad that is? Just fucking kill me. There's the real answer.

I ain't a big fan of Tool, but that song of theirs 'sober', just fucking nails this shit so hard. The strong emphasis on the WHY in, "Why, can't we not be sober?, or the WHY in, "Why, can't we sleep forever?", is fucking carnally perfect. "I just want to start this over". Ain't that the fucking impossible to realize truth.
R: 0 / I: 0
im stuck in a limbo,ive been trying to improve my life for years but i have some sort of obsession,or coping mechanism,that i aways feel like i messed up and that i have to be reborn,to force some sort of deep change that will make me do no more mistakes,this is of course sick and i aways end up with a fake fantasy persona or back to day 1. my brother started crying when he realized i was writing the same things over and over,and my dystopian country has no sane people whatsoever,im actually more stable than most poor folks over here. how do i break this cycle? how do i accept who i am and just move on? im tired of waiting for the perfect moment that never comes where everything will be fucking perfect
R: 251 / I: 21

The end of the wizards?

Posted it in another thread but I feel it deserves it's own thread because of the subject matter.

>Wizards, and social retards/reclusives/outcasts, are a dying breed. It took me a while to figure that out, I don't know if we're being breed out OR that the modern state of the internet has opened all doors for self-improvement and congregation for people who would be us (I think it's the latter). Cos on 4chan people are always complaining that "reddit is leaking" or "it's so reddit in here", it's not. It's that the "zoomers" that have replaced us, come from a much more socially inclined background by default and most, if not all, of internet (and geek) culture has seeped into the mainstream.


>Those of us that did not fully commit to a fandom or a passion, are now left with no real identity. I think in a certain sense it's a lot harder to be a loner now, like, you can have a giant anime figurine collection but the internet these days will always remind you that there are other people who also have the same hobby, but are enjoying with other people who take it to different places they wouldn't have dreamed of on their own. Basically reminding you that *your* giant anime figurine collection are just lumps of shaped plastic.


Turn 30 this year, and it feels like it's the worst era to become a wizard. But on the flip side (and maybe it's some sort of underlying mental illness) I've been feeling upbeat for the last 2 weeks cos it feels like there's nothing left to lose now.
R: 22 / I: 6

28 y'old neet, soon to be wizard

Imma mostly luker; to be honest i only make thread on my some birthdays for sharing some feeling. why? idk.


this year i late to some weeks for this thread. whatever.



so..what happened since last year;

as a 28 years old fukin NEET; i still living my family, no formal job; no any succubus.

but i manage to get some good paid freelance job. that gave me some hope about my life. but relief and dreams it has been short.

i was dreaming finally move out on home but i slowly lose my confident about that. as a 3rd world country citizen; living with your family such a normal thing, but i feel need to be move another place/city to no one know to me. i feel like stuck in there; in my city, in my country.


so fml. i dont any idea what im doin.
R: 26 / I: 2
i've never had friends even online
i've no money and no education, i live in thrid world and there's no hope
everyone enjoy abusing me online
i cut myself and can't stop crying, my eyes twitching and everything hurts
my life is a tortuer please god let me die
R: 2 / I: 1

Anxiety over losing my sanity

I finally came back to wizchan after going on an image board detox because I'd
figure that this is only one of the few places I can express myself fully.

So, I've been irrational fear over losing my sanity over the 2 years. My particular
fear is the fear of getting schizophrenia or at least so getting psychosis. My grandmother
has schizophrenia, and I fear of getting that mental disease. Every time I see flashes
of light, my mind plays tricks on me and I have these thoughts like "Well here it goes you
have schizophrenia you are already hallucinating" even though I do know that it's just
flashes of light due to eye floaters. It does not help the fact that I have mild HPPD, and my experiences with
psychedelics fuels this train of thought because the episodes of schizophrenia/psychosis
almost sound on par with the experiences I had with those drugs. It has got to the point where I get panic attacks if I ever feel spaced out. I avoid caffeine, alcohol, basically any substance, and
I avoid becoming sleep deprived all because I fear of being under a different state of consciousness.

The reason why my past experiences with psychedelics fuels these trains of thoughts is because
I do know how it feels like to lose your sanity while under the influence. For example, in late 2017, I almost lost my sanity due to taking too much LSD. When I read stories of schizophrenics
who think they're Jesus Christ, or some godly figure, my mind goes into panic mode because it sounds vague but almost on par with the experiences I had on psychedelics.
I had a bad trip on mushrooms last year in early 2018 and I really thought I had developed schizophrenia. Nothing particular happened
but it didn't feel good hallucinating all these monsters under that trip. The ideas you get from
psychedelics like solipsism scare me, and every time I have these thoughts of solipsism, or thoughts where
I have these "what if" questions concerning self harm like what if I take my own eye out? I think that it is psychosis creeping up on me. I never plan on taking
action on these thoughts, but just having these thoughts scare me because what if I lose my mind and I actually do act on them unconsciously? Like that one video of a schizophrenic who
pulled his eye out on camera? Often times I feel it's my mind betraying me and these thoughts are nothing more than noise.

Also, there goes the fact that I spent too much time reading up too much conspiracy theories and browsing crab sites within the last couple of years. I won't name them because I don't want this thread to become derailed, but I learned once you start reading these conspiracy theories, it takes a toll on your ability to be peaceful with your mind, and constantly becoming skeptical only
makes one become too irrational at times. What if I'm feeling isn't real? What if this is all a dream? Do I really exist? these kinds of questions come up to mind. I can't really focus
on going out either, because every time I'm with my family I just feel like nothing is real at all. I feel spaced out at times. I can't stand looking at movies or stills of pictures because I think that something contradictory is going to happen that will "prove" that I have schizophrenia i.e Can't look at a photo of a man with eyes looking straight at the camera because I think it will move or try to talk to me thus proving I'm schizophrenic

I've had a panic attack so bad last 4 months that I went to the ER. I was told I was probably developing GAD but I should be fine, but I was already diagnosed with GAD
at the age of 15 and at the age of 18, so I didn't take the doctors seriously.

It does not help that I've been NEET since 2016 and I read up upon how miserable NEETs become both mentally and physically.
I went to the NEET subreddit one time and read stories of redditors becoming mentally ill simply because they went NEET and it messed me up for a bit, but
people on reddit tend to exaggerate a lot. But I think it's time
to pull the plug on the NEET lifestyle as well because I think it's a contributing factor. I've been feeling in a dreamy state, and I can't tell
the difference between March and November anymore because my perception of time has become warped thanks to the NEETstyle. I've been listening to positive affirmation audiobooks to distract myself but I'm only slowly seeing changes.

Do any of you wizards have any idea how to combat with this? I don't feel mentally healthy, and I already set up an appointment with a therapist.
It seems counterproductive to ask someone on wizchan, but there seems to be veterans in their 30s+ who I imagined have went through this.

Sorry for the giant wall of text, I just needed to leave this out of my system.
R: 5 / I: 0

Text that will be ignored

This time of the year is tough for me.

No one wants me around. I wrote mom I was alone in my rented space, too depressed to do anything. She invited me over to eat. Then just tell me there are rules if I want to come. "No thanks, I'll rather stay here" I said.

I am hungry. Completely lonely. Neighbors are blasting dumb music. Just wanted to not feel like this. But it's all my fault. Might end up commiting sudoku within today and new year.

This wizard loves you. You're my brother, I am your brother, we're brothers. Never forget that.
R: 55 / I: 11
>want 'free' thing?
>prove you don't need it first!
>want a job?
>can't hire you unless you had one before!
>want to live in the woods?
>emancipation means nothing due to loitering laws!
>don't like it and leave the country!
>oh, but no other country will take you so go drown in the ocean instead!
>EVENTUALLY you'll grow up and want to play our 'game'!
>move out of your mothers house already and be a slave to profits and idiotic draconian rules!
>if you don't it'll be too late, but oh, it's never too late of course!
>if she/they/he dies you'll end up on the streets aka in jail with normalfags!
>better get to work quick, time is running out, but not really!
>want a loan to help you?
>lol get a job fag
>can't get a job, what a manchild!
>he's 30 and he has never worked!
>work for free first and maybe they'll hire you after your volunteer work!
>just get an education even though you're stupid, and oh, get a loan for tuition first XD
>WHAT you failed your semester? Go work at mcondalds with niggers and zoomers!
>LOL NEVERMIND WE IGNORED YOUR APPLICATIONS XDDD
>his dream is to live in the woods what a loser! XDDDDDD
R: 48 / I: 6

Holidays Survival Thread

Tell us about your experiences during the holidays in this thread.

I know this is a difficult time of the year for a lot of us. Let's commiserate and vent in this containment thread.
R: 10 / I: 1
What remedies will curse depression?

Isn't everything a chemical imbalance in the brain?
R: 4 / I: 0
You know what's something ironic about being a wiz with an alcohol and drug problem, and attemtping at "recovery/sobriety therapy"? 99% you meet are failed or attempted normies that got hooked through their normie friends and failed lovers and I get to savoe the suffering of these normies and feel good about it.

Shit socially sucks though. Imagine being so autistic even former/active drug users realize you're a loner weirdo and people just ignore you or tall to you inba condescending tone.
R: 3 / I: 0

Disgust

You know what's fucked up in this life? Enduring constant physical and psychological abuse from parents. You're an always crying or very reserved wizkid. Other adults see and approve/ignore the abuse. No one says a thing. They get to you in a condescending tone. They still expect normie behaviour from you. You discover relief in alcohol and drug use. Violence and terror lives in your wizkid life. Life goes on. Stopped being hit at 15. "You're suppossed to act normal young fella, be a man about it".

Everyone around you realize you've grown into an alcoholic/drug addict adult past your 25s. Everyone loathes you. Like "why can't this stupid asshole stop harming himself and everone around him". You know fucking why, you just don't care.
R: 28 / I: 3
I am starting to believe that this world is a form of hell meant to torment a few select humans, wizard types such as most posters here, everyone else is an npc that exists to torture us and remind us of all we will never enjoy in life no matter the effort given while npcs get to enjoy thing beyond our understanding but within our observation. I have come to this conclusion based on how in my own life I have observed how all my suffering seemed to always be very targeted and timed at the right place and timing, at first I suspected narcissists and or other forms of sadists in my life might be conspiring against me but I have concluded most of the events targeted against my emotional, mental and physical wellbeing are too well timed and planned out to be organized by humans. Does anyone else feel as if the world itself is geard towards causing as much suffering to you personally? inb4:schizo.
R: 23 / I: 1

Suicide prevention lifeline is fucking worthless

Do not call them. They will either not answer your phone call, hang up on you or have you committed if you tell them too much. Fuck counselors. They are worthless backstabbers. I was committed involuntarily four times. That means that my 2A is gone and even if I buy a ghost gunner if I’m caught with it I could face serious life in prison. That’s what you get when you speak to counselors. Your rights taken away. They haven’t helped me because I’m stuck in the same situation as before.
R: 2 / I: 0

Effective Altruism

Suicide will not end your suffering. You will reincarnate as a celestial 'brain', including instances of astronomical and unfathomable suffering beyond mortal comprehension, unless you work to dismantle misery from all existence, by supporting the Foundational Research Institute, which is tackling this problem.

In this physics thought experiment, a Boltzmann brain is a fully formed brain, complete with memories of a full human life in our universe, that arises due to extremely rare random fluctuations out of a state of thermodynamic equilibrium. Theoretically over a period of time on the order of hundreds of billions of years, by sheer chance atoms in a void could spontaneously come together in such a way as to assemble a functioning human brain. Like any brain in such circumstances, it would almost immediately stop functioning and begin to deteriorate

One criticism of this "Boltzmann universe" hypothesis is that the most common thermal fluctuations are as close to equilibrium overall as possible; thus, by any reasonable criterion, actual humans in the actual universe would be vastly less likely than "Boltzmann brains" existing alone in an empty universe.

Boltzmann brains gained new relevance around 2002, when some cosmologists started to become concerned that, in many existing theories about the Universe, human brains in the current Universe appear to be vastly outnumbered by Boltzmann brains in the future Universe who, by chance, have exactly the same perceptions that we do; this leads to the conclusion that statistically we ourselves are likely to be Boltzmann brains.
R: 16 / I: 3

How to deal with the fear of things getting worse

I'm often afraid things will get bad, that my mental state will take a turn for the worse, and that the already significant difficulty I have getting through the day will get insurmountable. The idea of looking a year, two, three years into the future and planning out a cozy, hermitic life of introspection for myself seems absurd - how am I supposed to believe I won't get harder to live when this has been my experience (when I was in my 20s I used to wake up with a gusto to live out the day, now in my 30s I almost wish I could sleep life away) so far? I took SSRIs for a year until I recently got off them, and while for now I seem able to not suffer from clinical depression like I previously did, I'm constantly afraid it will return. How am I supposed to live life like this, when it seems to get harder (not to mention the physical and mental decay as you age) even though it was already too difficult to begin with. Seems like realistically planning out a withdrawn wiz life is a pipe dream with the amount of things that can go wrong, with your peace of mind teetering in a precarious balance over the void of intolerable, possibly protracted low mental states.
R: 13 / I: 3

How often do you actually feel sadness/melancholy?

I have come to realize I may have a bit of break contrasted to most wizards - I almost never feel sad. Haven't for years. It still get existential dread, boredom, all the mainstays of wiz life, but I no longer actually feel melancholy, nor that bitterness, that almost acidic feeling of deflating sadness in the body.
I came to wonder if other wizzies could be as I am, so what I am asking is: How often do you feel sad? Anyone else stopped feeling sadness as well?
R: 36 / I: 5

Apartment life

Anyone else living in an apartment and hating it?

I have sensory processing disorder, which combined with living in an apartment, makes my life a living hell. To one side of my apartment is an asshole who watches movies all day with the volume so loud it sounds like I live next to an imax theater. To the other is a succubus who has a dog that barks as loud as it can and nonstop whenever she isn't home, which is usually like 12 hours of the day. How it never gets tired of barking i have no idea. Above me is a couple with a kid with ADHD that runs around the apartment, screams for probably no reason, and it sounds like he bounces a basketball a lot of the time. Also the mother doesn't seem to grasp the concept of an indoor voice.

I would move but i've lived in many other apartments and it's pretty much the same no matter where i go. Ill never be able to afford to rent a house and buying one is out of the question.

I dream of an all wiz apartment. No dogs, no children, no speakers or stereos.
R: 34 / I: 4

hit the pipe

i regret smoking meth, i did it for a year and the damage it does is not worth the high. its a high that doesnt feel like a high.
R: 4 / I: 0

Any other wizzie nignogs out there?

Gonna end up roping eventually due to being self aware of my own genetic inferiority and inability to blend in with other nogs lol

Too high IQ to be an ape, to low IQ to not let memes crush my self-esteem

The true woke
R: 9 / I: 0

Suicide methods

what's an effective way to end my life that doesn't leave a mess?

I'm not currently in a place where a length of rope is real easy to come by. Medical overdose is also likely out of the question since that is a regulated item.
R: 4 / I: 2

Courage and determine to end it

Anyone have scientific data on how to stay determined and gather courage to suicide? I am going by jumping. Since I was demotivated , I stopped fapping recently to gather physical and mental energy to suicide.Is writing a suicide note and setting a date good for gathering courage and not pussy out ?
R: 311 / I: 40

Wageslave General

not getting paid enough for this shit edition

previous >>204136
R: 20 / I: 4
No one likes me. I have no friends. My parents despise me. My black welfare caseworker is getting fed up with my excuses for being unemployed.
My heart condition is getting worse.
I can't stop eating crap food.
Diablo 3 doesn't work anymore.
What is the point of any of this? Why would the universe do this to me?
R: 13 / I: 2

I cant understand other people who have depression and talk about it publicly

I understand depression in private but when people make it out publically especially on videos and streams I can't help but cringe. Like why would you bring your whole viewership to this? Does depression make people selfish? Especially big YouTubers and the such cause I can't help but cringe when I listen to them talk about their depression. Anybody else?
R: 39 / I: 7
Have any of you ever considered curing loneliness with a pet? Since I got a puppy all my suicidal thoughts have gone and taking care of my puppy has taught me to take care of myself. I've had a few smaller rodent like pets as a child but somehow I never managed to bond to any of them as much as with dog puppy.
R: 17 / I: 1

Circumcision and Rage

so how did you cut wizzies react when you found out about circumcision and its effects on the human body. I personally was sent into a rage than dread for some time realizing what had been done to me and how I couldnt of done anything because it was done to me like many as a newborn. Later I did find out about foreskin restoration but I am too poor for any of that. Even though for the most part the foreskin can be replaced or healed, it is impossible to replace the frenulum and other parts. Plus the mental trauma on babies caused by circumcision on babies is significant.

Sources: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XJst3JJngXs

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5065403/

http://www.cirp.org/library/psych/
R: 53 / I: 2

I need to vent

I'm almost 24 but can only like succubi 8 to 13 . I correctly see this as a problem and I thus asked for help:my doctor will give me bupropion
Is it true that this will make me suicidal?he said it will help stop obsession over children
Please help me,I don't want to become a child-linguiere catalog collector
R: 0 / I: 0

Wizard thoughts

I am feeling an intense feeling of depression and being dead right now. Things had gotten stable for a few months, I've just realized it's been two months since I started spiraling back to my recurrent state. Level 25.

I've seen and done too much. I've "tried" and succeded to some extent. I regret ever trying. I wish I was a blissful, ignorant NEET but I can't even have a conversation with my parents that doesn't end up with an act of violence.

I've tried and I am tired. I am tired of this life. Christmas eve. Everyone talking about love. I just want to be alone but I can't. I am stuck in a rented rat cage with two other idiots I hate. I hate my wagecuck job. I hate planning, executing and failing a suicide.

I feel a connection to this site and all wizards and it's just a stupid fantasy. We aren't friends. We will never meet each other. Even if we did we'd probably hate each other.
R: 50 / I: 1

Sodium Nitrite

How many of you are considering the sodium nitrite method? I got mine recently. Been working on my suicide letter today.
R: 4 / I: 1

Too much thinking.

i'm pretty sure i'm not the only one here who tends to think "too" much on the simplest things, too much it just irritate others, even family, makes things harder for them as they say.
What are the tough time ya'll been thru just cause ya'll think'ed too much for?
R: 12 / I: 0
things are changing, times have shifted, it's not like we all use to know anymore, even scares me a bit. Not a religious guy, i'm the last person you can talk religion topics with but more and more, i do see the end times coming, and its coming quick. It's like them religious folks say, we're in the age of clay and iron where shit don't mix and i see it, everyone arguing with they're sexuality, belief, race even equality, shit just keep getting worse and more stupid.
R: 4 / I: 1
the pedophiles keep showing up calling me a pedophile and trying to advertise pedophile shit and its making me a targeted individual. what the fuck do i do?+ its happened in multiple countries and i cannot get away from them. they keep claiming im retarded and that they help me and it keeps making more people join in.
R: 8 / I: 0

Hi

Just wanted to say hi to fellow wizards. I always think and care about other wizards out there despite not knowing anyone.

I feel this special bond, I am stuck in my tiny dark room I hate, with all these feelings, looking at this forum; and another wizard out there is doing the same, having the same.

Just wanted to say that. I was feeling compelled to drinking myself to stupor but I'll just practice some guitar, play vidya and tomorrow is another day.
R: 1 / I: 1

Lost and depressed

I haven't been here for months now. Quite a while, since I saw this site being demolished by various forms of the normie critters and mods just allowing this all to happen and censuring those who resist. I was like "fuck it, what's the point?"

I came back out of curiosity and saw things improved a bit, due to adhd I didn't lurk much though. Maybe /pols found new spots to habitate in. Still see some normies who act like they know better.

Any true dwellers tell me how things were going on and how are they now?

This is the only place I felt at home a little, judging by today's internet it's really something. There is no site like original wizchan.
R: 10 / I: 3

Learned Helplessness

Who else here would describe their situation as an incurable learned helplessness?
R: 9 / I: 3
Is there any way to fundamentally increase happiness? I've made big changes in my life, some good, some bad. For example I used to be a NEET and now I have a job. When I think to myself what I would do if I was a NEET again and had that much free time I feel that I would be very happy, however if I think back to when I was actually a NEET I can say I felt about the same level of happiness as I do now. It's always been consistent throughout my entire life. Big events only fluctuate it temporarily, but nothing changes my base day-to-day happiness long term. So is it possible? Has anyone actually changed their base level of happiness long term?
R: 10 / I: 1

Wizard Drinking Session

I am throwing a wizard drinking session in this thread. Just post whatever is in your head and drink.

>"real wizards don't drink"

Wizards are escapists, I am a wizard, liquor is an escape.

Got a bottle of Bombay Sapphire in the freezer, and a grapefruit. 47% ABV. I genuinely love the taste of gin and hard liquour. Neat.
R: 14 / I: 0

I hate Eeryone and wish i was dead

Do you feel the same? I want to kill myself everyday, but because I don't have the means to do so in a relatively painless peaceful way, i'm stuck in this nightmare for the long run I guess.

I've been an isolated neet since I dropped out of school in the 6th grade. im now 31 and have nothing left in me to continue.


I just wanted to say I hate humanity with a passion to other people who might have had the same life as me. I hope the normie Muggles get taken out by an asteroid soon.

good day, and let the tendies flow.
R: 45 / I: 5

Bullying.

In primary school I was bullied by 50% of the students in my class.
In middle school I was bullied by 75% students of my class.
In high school it was once again 50% of the class.

By bullying I mean being bullied by one person at least 2 times.


Does it mean that potentially 50% of the people of earth are my enemies?
Its quite logical conclusion.
R: 304 / I: 38

Depression Crawl Thread XXI

Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.
R: 15 / I: 1

Wizard drinking session

I will start a drinking session too, taken with some weed, benzos and a weak opiate. Still gets you locked for hours. Don't do it alone my fellow wizard, be part of this moment.

I will share all my wizard knowledge, thoughts and regrets. Feel free to share.
R: 299 / I: 35

Suicide General

The last suicide thread has hit the bump limit.
Previous thread:
>>195730
R: 11 / I: 2

Learn to be uncomfortable?

This might sound silly but really is fun something worth pursuing just for itself? Whenever I am faced with an uncomfortable day I keep thinking back on all the fun I had in the past but what was the point of that when I am faced with the inevitable discomfort? How can I enjoy the fun knowing that eventually I will be uncomfortable again? Having fun is basically like a fast forward to discomfort since the fun times go by so fast. The desire for having fun is innate in me so it feels intuitive to pursue it but I wonder if, especially as I am getting older and my health gets worse, it would make more sense to try to focus on learning how to endure and face discomfort. Is that even something you can learn realistically?
R: 17 / I: 3

Locked in life

For the last few years I want to move out of my parent's house.
But the thing is that the comfort zone is killing me, my mom is making me food and I don't have to bother with rent so I have extra money. But as the time goes by, I mentally suffer.
I can't get my shit together in order to move out, I'd most likely get to rent a room and live with some people under one roof. But as long as I have my own room I think it won't be so bad.
I simply don't know how would I function, will I be able to maintain my "good habits" to not feel like shit etc.

I really want to get out of this place. I will soon be 27, already gave up on "normal life" just wanna live in peace with myself. But I can't push myself out there. Has any of you gone through this transition successfully?