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/dep/ - Depression

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R: 16 / I: 2

dying with a smile on your forgotten face

I'd be better off as one of those mutilated corpses in the trenches of WWII, at least I'd die with the illusion that I was fighting for something greater.
R: 111 / I: 9
If you're reading this, it means you haven't killed yourself yet. So? What's the hold up?
R: 14 / I: 2

I miss being a kid.

I would do so much if it meant a chance to go back to those times, when life was carefree, where I didn't have to do anything to be loved, I simply needed to exist, everyone just treated me like I was so special, a true gift, but now there are so many expectations to live up to, responsibilities, you're expected to either work or starve, or, if you become a NEET like me, a lifestyle where you don't work, but still have your basic necessities taken care of, either by government or parents, you're looked down on and, if you leech off your parents like me, eventually they get sick of it, sick of you, even though none of us asked to be here in the first place. I wasn't suicidal back then, at all.

Perhaps my nostalgia is the reason I live the way I do, doing nothing except staying in my room, endlessly consuming media based on my favorite characters, which haven't changed at all since my childhood, I'll read, watch and most of all play whatever I can to pass the time, as I did all of those years back, and even though it does help distract me from it all, it's just not the same, back then I'd spend all day long playing with my video games and toys, like now I guess, but there weren't any thoughts in the back of my mind, about how I should be doing other activities instead of this, like studying, helping around the house, looking for a job, working, anything to justify my right to exist.

I just enjoyed life, with this odd belief that I was special somehow, that everything would always work out afterall for me. I was wrong, so wrong. I can still feel pleasure, but it's an empty pleasure that doesn't last and is simply replaced by my own despair as soon as I stop to think about everything else, the reality of my own current situation in life. I'll never feel something like the pure joy of my parents buying me a new toy or video game from my beloved franchises, or the excitement of watching a new episode from my favorite cartoon, or the beautiful feelings of being good enough. I miss when I didn't resent life, when it was about pleasure, and I could actually enjoy that pleasure.
R: 234 / I: 39

Depression Crawl Thread XXIX

Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.
R: 15 / I: 2

Piss jug strategy.

>inb4 bleach
What can one use to mix with urine to remove the smell of it?
My previous piss jug strategy was to fill large 1.5 liter bottles and hide them with other trash and throw them out but:
1. Almost got busted (trash full, classic).
2. Used to drink soda, don't anymore, so no bottles.
Now I'm using some jugs and I'm careful to empty them in the toilet while everyone is sleeping.
The thing is the smell. Imagine the smell. I've tried vinegar, but it just smelled like vinegar and piss.
I tried using dish soap, and there was some limited success.
I bought some "calcium nitrate tetrahydrate" shit for portable toilets, and I think it removed the smell,
I'm not sure. It made the piss in the jug turn really brown and like… separated into almost water on top completely
covered with white mold. Probably lack of air and/or light. I'm not going to sleep with an open piss jug.
I'm considering smuggling that piss jug into the woods to empty it.
R: 6 / I: 0

monke in wizard outfit

I'm not even depressed as much as i know, but sometimes it can be really depressing to think about the shitty limitations provided by envirornment and genetics. Life can be more tedious than average when you IQ(WAIS-III)is below your shithole's average, as if it wasn't not enough to deal with these normies and their annoying local culture.The concept of libertarian free will is a mirage, but it's still kind of hard to accept that, i feel like i'm watching a autistic comedy movie.
R: 25 / I: 1

pressure from parents

do your parents force you to do anything?
i'm 26 and still live with my parents, while i know they don't hate me, they do put alot of pressure on me to do normal things; get a 3DPD and focus on collage etc. i understand what they mean but they're so oppressive i almost makes it worse. and i can't do anything against them whatever they say goes. but at the sametime they do love me, it's this weird back and forth and i just feel alot from it.
R: 13 / I: 1
Who else here is addicted to alcohol? I'm completely using control lately. I still have a job, but sometimes I am drunk while working.

I just want to die at this point.
R: 139 / I: 21

Wageslave General

end of the year and doing it all over again edition

previous >>247482
R: 14 / I: 0

All my copes no longer provide me with joy.

Videogames are no longer fun, anime,books,porn,none of my old hobbies no longer give me my fix of dopamine.I watched one movie last year and that's it.What do you guys do when you get to this point?
R: 32 / I: 2

I am too naive, I lost all of my savings

I know this will sound fun to a lot of you. My thread might also be deleted since it has no other purpose than talking about me. You can talk about yourself on that thread as well.
So here's the thing: i'm way too naive. I swallow anything a person tells me. The logical thing would be to just back off from society. That's what i did for years, and not for that reason. Rather for bullying and health reasons that ruined my life. But that's not the subject here. The problem is that i still have internet and therefore have access to people who can potentially still keep using my weakness against me. So basically i was talking with someone whom i thought of a friend on internet. Stupid of me right? Anyway he asked me 500$ for a project he talked to me for like a week. Stupid right? Well again, i am stupid. He said that he would pay me back double after his project is done, i believed him and paid him. Guess what? He just disappeared after that.

So now the very little money i had accumulated after many years, gone. I don't even know what to say, i'm too emotionally weird to actually cry or do anything. I will just keep living like always. Meaning: doing absolutely nothing and wait for the next day. Should i post this here? I'm sure not. But i've learned something over the years about me. Whatever choice i do, it's always the wrong one. Always. All my live has been bad choices, alongside with the fact that it was pretty much screwed since the beginning.

As for myself, my health sucks, i can't work, can't study. I don't have any friends or anyone to talk to except my mom and dad who are starting to get gradually tired of the fact that i'm doing nothing. My health issues are laughed of, or just denied, so i don't have any sort of financially help or anything. Those 500$ where somehow my pride. I was happy to have them, i told myself one day i will have a good pc, not the overused thrash i have here.

I can't eat properly, shit properly, i can't sleep more than 5 hours in a row at best. I suffer a lot. But i guess it's not enough. I just don't know what to do anymore. I've tried suicide, but it didn't work. Nothing worked in my life. I have tried a lot of things. A lot. I mean it. But nothing ever worked in my life. Absolutely nothing. And everything sucks in my life. Every aspect you could think of. I'm just so tired of suffering what's the fucking point?

I was so low before that, and objectively i'm as low as i was before. Just a heavy blow i'm trying to breath away somewhere, hope it's the right place. But i'm not the right person.
R: 0 / I: 0

The most depressing thing you can think of.

What's the most depressing premise for a show you can think of? If someone comes up with an absolutely soul-crushing premise, try to one-up them. Make Nana's Everyday Life look like child's play.
R: 38 / I: 0


So say i have 1300 in neet money monthly, would that be enough to sustain myself/live off alone.
I really want to move out but my parents say i need to save that money. They are against it. They say it's not enough money to live off anyway.

I've been job searching for over a year now, no luck so far. The worst part is still being stuck at home.
R: 8 / I: 2

Final chapter in my life?

I've been feeling increasingly empty and despondent. Nothing seems to bring me joy like it used to. I don't love anyone but don't hate them. Is this the last chapter to my life?
R: 131 / I: 11

Does anyoen else feel old online or out of touch?

I had always felt like an other online but it wasn't until 2017+ and especially the past two years I feel old online.

It seems as if my fellow netizens all vanished and everyone is a teenager or talks like one. I do not socialize but when viewing comments on youtube or on other websites including sadly here I will notice strange use of language that is similar to baby babbling and doesn ot express more than a single idea.
>finna mad cap
For example is repeatedly posted on the interweb and I do not understand what any of it means.

I am unsure if age is entirely a factor and it could be the isolation that causes this feeling of being out of touch because I have stumbled across older people talking on reddit getting along fine.

People do not seem to want to have discussions anymore online and instead post a meme or use a few words to express themselves.

I cannot be the only one who is experiencing this phenomenon.
I think social media is the cause because a lot of us have been terminally online for decade(s).
R: 52 / I: 2
I think I've come to the end of the line. I'm 27 years old, almost 28 and I'm currently a college student. I never wanted to attend college, but my parents wouldn't give me any money unless I did. I tried to get a career out of high school but ended up working a bunch of dead end jobs that didn't pay enough to live and made me want to kill myself.

At the same time, I also went to community college to make my parents happy, but didn't have any plans and failed a bunch of classes not attending or doing any work. After my latest career failure, I decided to finish up at community college and transfer to a state university. The reason for this was not that I wanted to attend college, but that I wanted to get away from my parents house, which was a very bad environment as they constantly fight and scream at each other. I couldn't pay for my own housing and have no friends, but knew they would pay for my housing if I went to college.

This was 1 year ago, and the classes were all online because of covid, so I didn't even get to leave my parents home. However, a few months ago they paid for me to have an apartment, since things are dying down and classes might be in person next semester (none of my are, but I didn't tell them that). The classes are a complete waste of time, and I have a 3.9GPA with barely any effort, but I enjoy living alone in my apartment and not working a wageslave job.

My plan was to graduate in the spring, however I realized today that because of my poor planning there are tons of graduation requirements that I haven't filled. There is no way that I'm going to graduate. It would take probably another full year of classes, things I am not interested at all, bullshit classes like racial justice studies and what not. I have no significant work history just a bunch of shitty jobs, no degree, no social connections, and no real special skills that apply to careers.

The conclusion seems to be that I am backed into a corner. In the spring, the money my parents have given me for my apartment will run out, and I will not graduate college with a degree or any career. No job I am qualified for will pay for my living expenses. Unless I somehow find a pot of gold under a rainbow somewhere, I have nowhere to go, except possibly back to my parents who I would prefer to never see again. I think I will have to commit suicide or possibly join all the homeless people who live in the streets, or go to prison. I honestly don't see any way out of my situation. I don't even consider myself to be particularly depressed, but simply my life is fucked in such a way that I would rather kill myself than go forward with any other options.
R: 302 / I: 33

General suicide thread

Discuss the ways out of our eternal suffering in this thread. Good death to everyone!
R: 80 / I: 8

Suicide or LDAR?

Is living worth it or no?

Sometimes I wish I was never born. Sometimes I hate life so much that the only thing stopping me from killing myself is the thought that my death will make my parents greatly unhappy.

I have now just finished college, having to be among normalfags there was very annoying and ehausting (like in school but slightly better). I don't want to marry or have kids, I don't wanna have a day job which requires a lot of human communication.

I only went to college because my parents wanted me to and encouraged. Studying itself was relatively easy but I hated being forsed into social situations.

Sooner or later parents will force me to find a job (they aren't hurrying though since we are mor or less financially secure). If it leaves a lot of free time and requires little to no communication with people - I'm fine with that. But if it requires both - hell no, I'd better kill myself.

Your thoughts?
R: 31 / I: 2

why are normies so scared of dying?

i have literally never gotten scared about dying. i think it is a huge comfort knowing that i don't have to live forever in this dogshit life. think "i have no mouth and i must scream". however, i noticed that when normalcattle are reminded that they are going to die, they just get ass ravaged. nothing destroys them more than when someone dies. and they have to cope with all these shitty funeral rituals and religion to try and make themselves feel better. what is so scary about it? i mean it is just a natural fact. everybody who ever lived died. even the king of the jews they love so much.

i think the normalcattle of today live in a fantasy like dream world, and they are so detached from reality that they think they can just be young and have sex and consume whatever is popular at the given time and wageslave for their boss for all eternity. i imagine their conception of social roles like small children playing with fisher price "little people" toys. they think people are defined by their social standing and any sort of inequality that makes my life a living hell is justified because people are where they should be and they aren't "entitled" to anything. so it just shatters their narrow worldview when someone dies because it reminds them that they themselves are going to die, and knowing that they are going to die makes all of their life meaningless. all that social stuff just exists in their heads and at the end of the day they are just animals.

i guess it must be easy to love life when you get everything handed to you and the biggest hardship you faced was getting grounded by your parents for drinking at a party in high school or getting cheated on by your girlfriend. these people have never known what its like to be unloved, have actual disabilities, have childhood trauma, or be stuck in abject poverty working jobs you hate. i have lived through plenty of things scarier than just dying lol.
R: 21 / I: 2
The world is just fucking insanity now. The internet has been so warped by memes and AI that it’s just unintelligible noise. And when I get off the computer it doesn’t stop. I have to sit in a room for 8 hours with a mask even though everyone in said room has a vaccine, and every person in said room was tested to make sure they were not sick. Nothing makes sense anymore. Everyone I trusted is a snake. Everything real is a projection, it isn’t really there. I don’t know what to do. I’m waving trying to go to school, but I think I should just drop out and go sell weed. Drugs are my only defense against the insanity of the world because they make me just as insane. My fleeting moments of human connection are becoming so a rare as to be nonexistent. Did everyone lose their mind or did I? Where did the people I used to talk to go?
R: 66 / I: 1

anti depressants

please post your experiences with anti depressants here

i'm starting on them (Citalopram) tomorrow and im scared that ill gain weight from it
R: 25 / I: 4

Rejected no matter where I go

I can't seem to find a place anywhere, not in normal society not in niche neet circles, the only question left is where do I go? where can I find a place where I won't be wished to leave if I don't act like someone else,

I hate this how do I make it stop, I just want to be intimate with someone or want to have someone who cares about me
R: 27 / I: 1
Without being edgy, my biterness against humans is leading me to glorify dictators,crime lords, the lumpen
Anyone else going trough this?im turning into a dark perso
R: 21 / I: 5
How can I (metaphorically) put down the gun? I'm so exhausted and tired from just about everything. I have no talent or prowess to offer anyone. How can I achieve ego death and just become a comatose husk?
R: 64 / I: 0
I am killing myself within the next month

How can I ensure that I will go to heaven when I die? I haven't been to church since childhood and I am a bad person.
R: 14 / I: 0

"Mental illness" "Depression"

Anyone else feel like normal people literally cant imagine what it's like to be an ugly autistic genetic dead end. They think it must all be in the person's head and that if they're sad for years it must be depression. They refuse to face the fact that some people just had no chance in life as that makes their place in society feel more valuable; like they acomplished not being one of us failiures rather than get there by chance.
There is mental illness, when an otherwise normal person sees the world scewed. Most common is depression, and god do I hate "depressed" normal people. They have it otherwise good and it all being just in their head is basically part of the diagnosis (sad for no real reason).
But I am not mentally ill, I am fully aware of my surroundings. I can try to view the world objectivly while still realizing that my worldview always will be tainted by my own experiences. I am not sad or """depressed""" because the chemicals in my brain are out of wack but because I'm disfigured and have very strong diagnosed autism. Why do I have to be classed as mentally ill for just seeing the situation as it really is? Unless I am wrong, which they can never demonstrate how, they will simply say you're depressed and not think further about any of your critisisms.
I fucking hate how """depression""" has been nestling its way into normal people's lives. Any time I hear someone joke "my therapist X" I think of this, a deeply troubled society.
Its very hard to put into words these feelings so Ive tried making them less abstract here with the example.
But does anyone else feel like this? If so maybe you could word it way better, expressing it is so very hard. I have a lot of feelings and thoughts I cant put into words on paper, maybe someone else is like this?
I hope my rant doesnt make me out to be a condesending "better than them" post or shit up the board.
R: 18 / I: 4


I'm just so tired of it all. All the politics, all the insanity, all the soulless people, all the puppeteers moving everyone's string and feeling like I'm the only sane person around me. The worst is how I envy the puppets, they seem so happy and carefree, while I suffer in silence, slowly being consumed. I want to die, yet I'm too weak to do the job myself. I'm a hopeless romantic, and yet I am a ghost, invisible to those around. Even online, where I should be among others like me, I'm alone and cast away from the groups. I'm """good looking""", yet only see my rotten remains. It angers me so much how crab types are usually right, I want them to be mentally ill nutjobs, to not take their outlandish convictions seriously. It feels like I was specifically cursed from birth to have this shadow over me as punishment or simply to entertain whatever or whoever casted it. I'm hardly a religious nor spiritual man but I can't help but *feel* it. I try to improve myself, take my meds and go to my therapy. It only dulls the pain, the sickness is still there. Beside, I find it more and more difficult to keep going when I'm broken beyond repair. Why waste everyone's time when the outcome will be the same? The worst of it all, is how deep down, I know it's all my fault.

you can ask me anything.
R: 17 / I: 3

Nothing in life is exciting anymore.

31 years old and the copes I used to go to no longer really entice me.All I do all day is lay in bed will get up to eat,browse the internet,sleep maybe go on a walk sometimes. I could play a videogame,but never feel like it, anime, YouTube,twitch, nothing interests me.Food and sleep are the only two things that interest me anymore.
R: 85 / I: 7
I literally just did nothing but sit on the computer beating my dick all day. Again.

Tired of this shit.
R: 16 / I: 1

Insanity and Isolation

Is anyone else growing insane because of total isolation? I don't even feel human anymore.I sleep away the days and stay up at nights. And i keep repeating. I don't even know anymore what to do. I haven't seen sunlight in long time. My mind feels so broken. I am so tired
R: 306 / I: 23

End of the Wizards: Outside Looking In

The gatekeepers are dead and we're staring down the barrel.

BUT wizards, outcasts, outsiders, those who now merely exist, we've been afforded a unique priviledge; namely front row seats to, I wouldn't call it a collapse, but a continuing and steady acceleration of the degradation of the human. I'm sure a societal collapse is not too far off; I read somewhere it rained for the first time in recorded history somewhere in the arctic circle, barely made a blip on the news radar.
R: 90 / I: 3
The only reason we're depressed is that we lack money

If we had enough money we would be kings
R: 41 / I: 3

Feeling like a waste of flesh

I'm at college and I currently have no job, nearly everyone in my group is around the same age as me and has a job. I'm not trying hard enough or more like I'm being to lazy to motivate myself to do anything for myself. I fear that I will never be fully independent or responsible for myself.
R: 1 / I: 0

wizardly symptoms

>a list of the endured miseries by the peers around, feel free to include if I am missing anything:

-Anxiety about future
-Agoraphobia, fear of social situations.
-Constant inner dialogue, with cringe moments or raging conclusions.
-Prionic thoughts, where trivial decissions take too much importance or obsolete protocols ensue even if the individual has discarded or solved them long ago.
-Social awkwardness.
-Memory failures, (sense of) brain malfunctioning.
-Traumatic perception of life.
-Unexplainable depressions, sadness or simply lack of drive.
-Special sensitivity against efforts.
-Parasitic , thirst-like, desires, mostly about what others have or do.
-Lateness about accurate actings that were not done in the exact moment. Regretfulness or frustration about it.
-Exaggerated embarrasment potential.
-Diverse types of psychosomatosis.
-Maddening boredom.
-Addictions (food, vidya, pr0n…)
-Laziness which can be even painful to work against.
-Constant detection of minutiae and disturbances due to them (and disturbance about being disturbed)
-Fear of premature aging and related diseases.
-Premature aging and related diseases.
-Feeling quite sensitive to wasting money.
-Obsessions that may have sense anymore after a while.
-Obsessions that may persist even if reckoned to not have any sense.
-Constant cringe, bitterness or regrets due to remebrances of the past.
-Worldsick nausea.
-Internal horror and nausea due to hightened suggestions of Nietzschean notion of eternal return.
-Weird sensations of having an evil hidden spirit inside that manipulates your brain at its depth.
-Low testosterone, which brings body weaknesses.
-Morbid stages of paranoia.
-Selective stupidity.
-Waking up tired, messy of dizzy. Living alike for the rest of the day.
R: 94 / I: 10

Stuck living like a permanent child

I've been living as a shut in neet since I was a preteen. I'm now in my late 30's and I still basically live like a kid. I'm not on disability and live with no income or allowance, no healthcare, I can't drive, I've never had a job before, never had any kind of relationship before real or egirl, kissless virgin, no friends. I can't go anywhere without being driven there by my parent and he doesn't take me anywhere except the grocery store. I've been trying to get him to take me to the library for about 7 years now but he won't do it.
He's also extremely toxic and treats me like a child. I can't leave the house after 5 pm, he constantly calls me a nigger and faggot. He keeps all his storage in my room so I have mountains of boxes all over my room. I made a online friend and they mailed me a toy, he opened my mail and then called me a faggot for weeks over the toy. He refuses to get me any kind of diagnosis so that I can try and get some kind of help.
R: 12 / I: 0

This isn’t really an edgy or a sad post

I’m just a fucking workaholic loser on a general basis and that’s pretty much my personality.

I’m not sure what I should do considering most of my time alive is spent at work and if you I’m ever by myself outside of it I just spend it lying down doing nothing or dicking around on my computer since I don’t know how to masturbate since it’s not like my sexuality is active. Do I just keep mindlessly working and chasing the career or buissness ladder until death? Do I just continue living idk like some drone forever briefly paused by various hunting sessions in the woods, would getting a relationship actually change anything about my life, should I even bother trying to form connections with other people after knowing any friends I did have left me and I’m terrible at social interaction due to a mix of ADHD and a boring personality, should I just become a hedonist and buying consumer goods to have an imaginary purpose to work towards, maybe not I haven’t had any actual material demands since I was fucking 12 since I had everything I ever wanted… idk idk why I wrote this post.

R: 39 / I: 1

Therapy thread

Anything related to therapy cna go here >///<
Have you found therapy helpful at all and if so why and if not why.

It seems to me that a therapist can help you if you have some things you want to achieve or gain in life but for whatever reason you will not go for them and also therapy can help people learn how to manage and identify their feelings but people who are self aware can do this by reading a book instead.
general therapy seems centered on establishing yourself within the community socially and working so you can buy things you want but what can it do for people who dont want anything? is it so crazy to think that just as some people like X and others Y there are also people who dont enjoy life at all. Do you think there will ever be therapy that helps people let go of life and end it peacefully.
R: 21 / I: 1

All victims around

Am I surrounded by cowards for real? Is there not any single soul out there who ever bullied normgroids as they bully him? Is there not any single mind in this hive who, living it right now, does not think to hit terror back with terror?

A thing I'm telling to them: no wizards taking the passive choice arrived here being happy with theirselves because of it. Panic necessitates panic. Shame necessitates shame, and the wizard's path is plagued with total misunderstanding and treacherous ambushes.

Is there not a single soul who dared to feed the groids their own manure??
R: 25 / I: 0

Love you

Wizard brothers, if I were to kill myself or accidentally overdose.

I love every single one of you like if you were my twins. I've never been close to any family, only son, but I genuinely love every single one of you. When you cry and hurt, I cry for you too. The pain you feel, I feel it the same way. When you threaten suicide and you can't deal with suicidal depression, I wish I was there for you giving you a hug. I love you all, you're my brothers.

The day I fucking day and the treachorous death pulls my last agonizing breath, you'll be right there in all my thoughts.

When my times come (every soon) I wish I was buried right next to you, in the same land, like the fucking brothers we are. The same arcane blood flows through our veins.

Crying, suicidal, I say these words, being happy to have met every single one of you here. And I seriously hope you aren't crying suicidal like I'm struggling with right now. I love you all, thanks for existing. Even if I can't stop crying with my stupid swollen face, I love you and it breaks my heart knowing some of you feel like this or worth. Peace brethen. If I don't fucking overdose, I hope I could go back to sleeping face.

Love you sincerely.
R: 3 / I: 1
I am silent and alone this earth. I have no mouth, no teeth, no tongue. Any compulsion I had to speak has faded. It festers in me, slowly being sequestered and dying. I type these words here, anonymously. I am unknown. These words will be lost, but there is no reason to preserve them. My mind and soul disintegrates first. The body is always the last to go. There is nothing to be known.
R: 10 / I: 1
jesus h. christ I am watching a video about a man's painful suicide journey and his sister starts speaking and now the video is about her pain of losing her brother. No longer about the sudoku man.

Succubi are damn crazy.
R: 3 / I: 1
had a break and thought it was over but now back to drinking alcohol everyday again
R: 58 / I: 4

Is it worth it to go to uni/have a profession

>found a bunch of memory training books in the deep web,so far it may work
>Be terrified/have contempt of blue collar jobs

Im 26,i may live to 80,a uni study is 4 years. Does it be worth it? Is there even a point in earning money(trough work)?
R: 83 / I: 3

How do I cope with the past?

I am 22 years old and have literally spent on/off the last seven or so years trying to cope with the way I was insulted and mocked by nearly everyone in class,including literal succubus, whislt I just quietly sat there, taking the brunt of it. I would go into depth regarding my situation, but I don't want to be humiliated anyfurther.
R: 55 / I: 1

What would your peers describe you as??

I'll go first: Weird, forgettable, worthless, creepy, unintelligent, pitiful.
R: 25 / I: 2


R: 10 / I: 0

holidays and being social

My god i hate the holidays, it means being social and family time.
It's torturous that even amongst family i'm still the weird one of the bunch.

I struggle with mental health issues that impact my day to day social behaviour. It's no fun being me.
People talk about being alone as if it's a bad thing, i prefer being alone.
R: 58 / I: 0


When did it all go to hell for you?

I think for me it was at age 14 when I realized I am not neurotypical and it is going to be all downhill from there.

I was only happy and able to enjoy life between ages 3-13.
R: 4 / I: 0

Neurotic Perfectionism

Anyone else struggle with this? Part of the reason I don't do much is because any mistakes I make even very minor ones will cause my brain to randomly go into torture mode and start torturing itself. I just want the suffering to stop.
R: 1 / I: 0

I hate

I can't make it. Hard to cope with it. I've entirely relapsed to habitual use, escataping back to heavy drug use. It has been weeks that I crave an opiod every single day. And liquor and a benzo.

Only way I can cope with life. I was shocked in desbelief, trying to be misserable in the kitchen eating something light before getting smashed and succubi started blasting music and singing loudly with their hellspawns.

Complete desbelief, even on my private hole, life has to remind me that I am surrounded by people I genuinely hate with malice. Just let me use until ODing. Too tired for this, it has been years and years.

The hatred I have towards all signs of life is so unbearable that I have to force myself into an almost permanent, never-ending
state of stupor (getting smashed as much hard as possible). I hate everything.
R: 18 / I: 2


How do you cope with not being able to get an erection?

It is suffering for me. I have all these desires and urges in my head but can’t get any release through masturbation. The pent up frustration just accumulates over and over in my head without end. It is just terrible for my mood, I am irritable and depressed and frustrated a lot.

One thing that has helped me is becoming more deeply religious. The fact that I have eternal life through Christ gives me strength to try and conquer my sinful thoughts.
R: 34 / I: 3

You need to give up

You gain everything you never wanted so you need to give up. You may be an apprentice and sad about not having this or that but none of that shit matters.
Giving up does not mean just saying you gave up and secretly feeling bad for "missing out", it means actually not giving a single fuck about not being a normalfag because you dont want to be a normalfag.

If you do not want to give up I encourage you to follow your meme dreams and try be a normalfag because you are either born a wiz or are not one.
YOU will never not feel lonely
YOU will never not want a GF and friends
if you want them now like a norm.

Find freedom.
Stop trying
R: 34 / I: 4

How should I live?

All of my dreams are dead. I know I'll never write a great book, create a video game, or make a movie because I'm both lazy and untalented. I know I'll never experience romance because I'm ugly. I know I'll never be rich because I've never had a job and I have no work ethic. I don't even know how old I am anymore, is it 27 or 28? Am I already 30? I don't know, every day just blurs together as I browse imageboards, walk the dog, and do household chores around my parent's house.

How should a person live when they're already dead inside? I ask because I'm unhappy, I know I have no choice but to keep living as I lack the willpower required to commit suicide, so how should I cope with this sort of situation?
R: 4 / I: 0
Do tou think anyone had some interlinked thoughts on tou while you and that person are interlinked in a chain of people that think the same and have the same or same interests as you? I have thinking It so much these days that It can't ver out of my head.
R: 16 / I: 2
I'm a digusting fat fuck and i hate my body, but this hatred isnt enough to make me lose weight. I eat shit food everyday
R: 65 / I: 3

How do you deal with having no friends or zero social life?

I remember in my 20s I used to have friends I hung out with and had a decent social circle.Now at 30 years old I really have no one.If I didn't live with family I would be completely alone.Life is tough living like this.
R: 15 / I: 1


Why is it that despite being friendly and trying to be nice, normies talk shit behind your back or just insult you.
People insult me daily, just today they wish me happy holidays and as i'm walking away they insult me.
Normies are fake, they don't have pure empathy, they have selective empathy and apply virtue signaling.

I'm not even saying empathy is necessary, they act malicious because they feel like it.
If i was like them i'd be out there killing people, they get mildly annoyed and act all deviant.
R: 35 / I: 2

Holidays Survival Thread

This is a thread to vent about the holidays and any related events, like dealing with family.

This is a hard time of year for a lot of us, myself included.

How are your holidays going, wiz? Tell us about it here.
R: 27 / I: 3


Does depression medication actually help or do anything?

Citalopram and mirtazapin certainly don't at least for me.

I quit cold turkey and also stopped eating sugar, I feel much more normal now
R: 17 / I: 3
Say you have:
>sufficient for comfort but not domination money, perhaps ~$10M
>the ability to have a biological child via surrogate that would get dropped off with you after birth
>guaranteed no genetic defect in the child, e.g. if you’re autistic and consider it a defect, the child wouldn’t be
>the ability to raise the child in an “ideal” environment, whatever that means to you — if it would require a mother you could hire one a la Truman show and it would go off without a hitch
Would having a kid be “worth it” to you? In theory you could basically give them a charmed life ramping up into joining the societal elite, but I would think that that wouldn’t even be a source of pride — Musk’s/Bezos’/[insert whoever you see as the elite here]’s parents seem more vaguely jealous and resentful than proud, and I’ve seen the same even with mildly successful acquaintances’ lower class parents. It seems like once the kid is an adult they’re no longer yours, and you don’t get much out of their accomplishments.
One could in theory do that stereotype of giving the next generation a nice setup to somehow “undo” or compensate for one’s own shit life, but in practice it doesn’t seem to work and is as fruitless a waste of a life as any other.
R: 4 / I: 0

Inability to effect outcomes

What do you do when you try hard to make something happen and cultivate your skills, only for nothing to change? And then you try and change your approach and do something different and still nothing changes?

I am so jaded at this point and on the brink of a LDAR. Because why even try to do things when they aren’t going to happen? Like with my career and my health. Nothing is changing so it seems like a more appealing option to just LDAR and binge on shallow pleasures since I am damned anyway
R: 19 / I: 0

When was the first time you realize that women are sexually self sufficient and men are just useless

50% of humanity will soon, if it didnt already, become useless. As procreation is becoming more and more the last concern of many people. Its strange how it remind me of universe 25 experiment when mice stopped breading.
R: 10 / I: 1
Does people really give each other expensive gifts and shit on christmas? every year? I've never given a fucking gift in my entire life and received nothing in return.

I can't believe normies do this stupid shit every year just to pretend that everything is good and the world isn't shit.
R: 11 / I: 1

How open are you with your struggle with mental health?

I can't even hide it. Have never been able to, it has only gotten more visible and it has fully evolved to its full extent now that I am nearing 30.

It's my personality. I challenge fear instead of just cowering into it. If something is making me insecure, paranoid or fearful I will confront it. THAT has landed me into almost perpetual problems. A small price to pay for being crazy CHADwiz that gives no fucks.
R: 3 / I: 1

The Ultimate Suicide Cocktail

Might sound like a dumb question but here's the thing:
I'm absoluletly loaded with antidepressants and antipsychotic meds such as: Lithium,Risperidone,Haloperidol,Viverdal,Fluoxetin,Zoloft,Carbomazepine,Clonazepam.
And by loaded i mean LOADED,full sacks,boxes of it.But mostly with anti-depressants which for some reason i don't think are enough to kill even with high doses, personally i never heard of anyone OD'ing on anti-depressants, but i also have a significant amount of the others so a mixed cocktail could work.
My plan is to go as peacefully as i can and die.
Don't wanna deal with coma bullshit or someone having to clean my stomach and put me in some psych-ward.
I want 100% assurance i'm going to die.
I just want a comfortable way to go.
I had a really stressfull life and i couldn't find a single day of peace in these last few years so i deserve a peacefull and clean death.
Would just 6 tablets of Clonazepam be enough to do it? They absolutely knock me out like no other med ever did, closest feeling to dying i'd imagine.
Or do i have to go with the classic cocktail with everything in it and wish for luck?
And before someone asks:
No i can't buy a gun if i did i wouldn't be here.
No i can't buy N.
The classic hanging method still seems too risky despite what most of what you guys say.
So to me drugs are the way.
My major concerns are throwing up or some of the meds end up cancelling the effect of the others or some other nonsense happening and fucking it up.
I need to be absolutely sure i'm going to die.
R: 5 / I: 0

Anyone else have way quite a few complications wih their health that is exacerbated by genetics

My trashy genetics ruins everything. I literally look,feel and act like a retarded zombiee. People often laugh smile or loo kaway when they see me, my face is revolting. The the whites of my eyes have a extremely unpleasing yellow/brownish complexion to them,my my gums have receeded thanks to gingivitis and my poor oral hygiene, suffer from constipation and my ribs are literally sticking out. Also; I haven't slept properly in over 3 years and look as if I belong in a grave. I am 23 years old and I am meant to be in the prime of my life, yet here I am rotting in my bed, surviving on one small meal a day with a bit of fruit included. Everyone else on this website complaining about their health should consider themselves lucky in comparison to me.
R: 16 / I: 2

Life has no meaning, fuck it tell me weird shit to do.

Im tired of leaving this stupid boring life with no surprises and no startling events whatsoever. I've decided that I'm killing myself and nothing has any meaning so before i do that, i want you to tell me random crazy shit to do. Like but keep it possible, im a pathetic coward and i wont be like cutting of my dick or joining the ISIS so just tell me like stupid random shit to do that might sound cool or new. Even if they are insane like reading every garlfiend comic ever or something, wih luck, when im done with it maybe i'll have something to care about or that i enjoyed doing. Again, please keep it possible for a stupid virgin like me to do, also i dont have the money to just "travel the world" so dont pull that bs pls. thank you so much
R: 25 / I: 4

How to cope with cringe?

I know this might sound off, but it's something that really bothers me.

I've done many things I regret in my life, for various different reasons, but one of the main type of memories that won't leave my head and makes me miserable is all of the times I've humiliated myself somehow, where I did something embarassing, or as it's usually called nowadays: "Cringe".

Things like throwing temper tantrums, or acting awkward and only realizing later, doing or saying something which made someone feel embarassed or even upset at me, being a sore loser, all of these things, sometimes in the middle of the night they just pop up in my head, these memories, I want to erase them.

Still, I know I can never really erase them, so I at least need to cope, how?
R: 37 / I: 2

How do I deal with pent up rage?

I was literally humiliated by everyone at school, 6 years have passed and I never managed to unleash all the rage I had inside me. I was too weak, still am.
R: 9 / I: 1

Dealing with paranoia

I can’t be the only person here that gets extreme paranoia from being outside, can I? How do you cope with your paranoid delusions that crop up from day to day? I really wanna know, anything, therapy, meds, etc., this problem has ruined my life basically
R: 44 / I: 2


I cant jerk off. my cock feels nothing. no frenulum left, not even remanent. cut tight, my dick points to the left because skin is so tight. glans is dry all the time. my fetish is foreskin and phimosis hentai now because I want foreskin so much especially when its erect and the foreskin cover the glan then the bitch lick it to uncover the glans. no rigid band, no gliding sensation. I will have to resort to anal to feel good when masterbating now so I guess im gay until my foreskin grows back.

my doctor gave me a hand job with a knife when I was a baby so does that even make me a wizard anymore?
R: 9 / I: 0
Mom will turn 70 next year
Dad's already dead
I still live with mom at 24 because my job doesn't pay enough to live on my on
R: 20 / I: 3
Do you ever feel completely depleted if talking with normies for any reason in real life?

I feel like I need to rest for 1-2 weeks after being forced to talk to strangers for even half an hour.
R: 20 / I: 0

i hate people who are socially competent

i was reading about this 15 year old kid who lived in my town, and he was a legit psychopath and he killed his mom. and one of his (female) teachers came out in support of him and said that he was a great kid and didnt deserve his punishment and all that shit. and everyone knows that they were fucking.

there is this other guy i know who is australian, and he is a NEET and convinced some succubus on discord to let him NEET at her place while she cared for him. i think he is in jail now for something related to pedophilia.

i hear about this shit and it just makes me so mad. when i was in school i always wanted to be esteemed by my peers, but i was always on the outside looking in. i was always left behind and ridiculed. and i hear about these terrible people who are able to command people's respect, it makes me feel contempt for them all and socialization as a whole. some people are very fortunate, and i am not one of them.
R: 12 / I: 1
We’re you prescribed psychoactive medications as a minor? If yes, what age and substances, and do you think it’s part of why you’re here?
R: 3 / I: 0

I have no desires.

Or at least no desires that I care about enough to put in the effort that they demand from me to come true. My college semester is finally over and I'm on my break, as a kid this sort of break was like being in heaven for a couple of months, all of the time in the world to do all of the fun things I like, like watching films, anime and shows, reading comics and manga, and playing video games. I have all of the time in the world just like before, I can do any of those things, I have all of the entertainment in the world available to me, so many activities I can go outside and do too, but I don't care, there's nothing I genuinely want to do, I have no energy to do anything, no drive, no goals, no dreams, no objectives at all, and it all sounds so boring, and tiresome too, just the idea of having goals, that you'll have to work for and will naturally bring stress and misery, but might not even bring fulfillment, and even if it does it only lasts for a brief moment before we go to the next go, we're naturally never satisfied. I feel like a dead man in a living man's body, just existing and waiting for time to pass, but time passes by so slowly, so very slowly.

Life is too long.
R: 2 / I: 0

5150 general - succubus stole his mana in my sleep edition

5150 thread I guess, share stories, tips, tricks, momentos, journals, rants and raves, illnesses, ward photos, complaints. Thread question: did you score a sweet prescription to get high on yet?

I hear they let succubi crawl over you and defile you on the drugs. And that the wrong psych is lethal. Perfectly depression related, be careful out there.

Related, I find that if I go in to the emergency center on alcohol, tussin or weed they claim I'm belligerent and a danger, then they make me go to a psychiatric facility. I can't help it. It's a shame cause I positivity radiate on cough. In a psychotic, belligerent way. They load me up in an ambulance on the spot most the time. If I smoke meth they don't immure, just recommend to rehabilitation, once on alcohol they almost executed me. So weird. Fucking kind of frightening and strange type shit, it's legal to be drunk, I'm not a half gallon a day alcoholic either. I know what they hide. I imagine a wizard would very much enjoy being drunk around the succubi, though.. And on pot it's 90% immurement rate, not even kidding.. ea
R: 13 / I: 3

Dead Parents

lost my father when i was 21 , live whit bedridden grandmother for decade , and just now my mother died ,i have noone,have no inheritance ,norelatives because i do not have bio parents im just picked from the streets just great, feels like Guts i cant conecnt to noone, feel odd,maybe im FREE now
R: 7 / I: 0

pls respond

I am having a bad reaction. Got a mood swing. Feeling scared. Got a very low mood, can't stop thinking about suicide and self-harm.

I feel confused, depressed and scared. I'd appreciate if you keep talking to me, asking me stuff, keeping me grounded until it goes in a while. I am a psychiatric patient, got written diagnoses, been hospitalized before.
R: 8 / I: 0
Reading many of your experiences I feel really sorry for the wizzies who are suffering here. I feel like many of you have unreasonable amounts of stress placed on you when you're sick and need to be taken care of. I know many of you still are expected to study or work when in reality you should probably be on some kind of disability pension. It's a huge struggle everyday to just get by.

I guess I'm sorry for how shit things are wizzies. I really hope you can find some peace soon.
R: 4 / I: 2
What can i do? I'm autistic homosexual that got bullied by everyone around me
I've always been an extremely shy and awkward child. I never dared to speak up or complain. One time in kindergarten a boy tried to drown me and i didn't even struggle out of politeness.
Does anyone have any advice on how to get over this 'judging' fear, or how to manage it? I know that the first step would probably be to just show something, but my anxiety flat out won't let me. How do I get over this extreme fear of drawing attention towards myself?
R: 50 / I: 4

Are all forums/chans destined to slowly rot away?

At first I thought I'm just getting older, but whenever I find a place for myself, sooner or later I realize how bad it becomes. Before I blink, the place I got used to is just gone. I don't know how to get over this.

All the people who used to be there are pushed to the side by the newcomers who doesn't care about the place or it's story. It's like all the new people just outnumber the old userbase and shape everything into their image rather than acclimate themselves to the culture.

Is the spike of popularity so detrimental?
R: 21 / I: 0

Wiz mental health 2021

Any of you actually diagnosed with psychiatric shit? You probably rely on meds for your daily life, or been to jail or the psych ward. List goes on.

Got Clinical Depression (recurring) and Borderline Personality Disorder. Despite popular belief (succubi attentionwhoring) actual, real BPD is something between Bipolar Disorder and Schizophrenia. BPD is probably my biggest obstacle in life, I am aggressive and I tend to snap and do idiotic shit, almost got jailed last fistfight. Also got psychosis as a symptom when stressed.

How have you been dealing with your shit? Got no doctors available. I only take my anti-depressant, and I try exercising everyday. Definitely feels more tolerable. As in, you are tolerating the pain of walking with a popped kneecap, it is still inhuman to live like this.

I wonder how some of you been dealing with your illness through the pandemic.
R: 8 / I: 1
>send music to dad <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOGu05q-Ch4>
>overhear dad listening to it
>he stops listening right before the best part
he didn't like it, i think it is neat :(
R: 17 / I: 3

Anxiety and paranoia ruining my life

I haven’t been able to consistently leave the house for the past 8 years, you know how people say “things get easier the more you do them”? Well it’s the complete opposite for me, the more I am involved in a public place such as trying to get an education the more the paranoia builds, until I can’t take going there any more. I am 26 years old an I have never had a job and I have no education beyond highschool and some random college classes I managed to get through with heavy medication.

Is anyone else like this? I am not even depressed I am just extremely scared about being outside, the thought of even leaving my front door sends thoughts of neighbors peeking at me, recording me, taking notes on me, etc. I can’t bare it
R: 84 / I: 3

sleep deprivation

Has anyone else gone long periods on inadequate sleep? I'd imagine this board is full of insomniac wizzes. My story:
>November 2019
>do Nofap for fun
>get job
>have to get up at 5:30
>go to bed at 11
>almost fall asleep standing up at work several times
>job finally moves closer as planned
>wake up at 6 now
>go to bed at 1130
>turns into midnight
>hate job more and more every day
>realize it's over
>strat drinking coffee to stop falling asleep at work
>around June 2020 I am hiking in woods when I realize that I don't feel real
>feel like I am watching movie
>I've been sleeping 5-1/2 hours a night for around 5 or 6 months now
>keep doing it anyway
>dissociate at work, floursecent lights and hissing air in manufacturing shithole doesn't help
>balls and dick shrink
>creative drive drains away
>notebook I wrote ideas in stops filling up
>no longer interested in many things
>literally feel like I'm watching a movie
>this continues
>no longer feel any connection to nature
>barely enjoy music anymore
>literally feels like my soul is dead
Is there any coming back or is the damage permanent? I hate my life hate my job hate my entire existence. Thinking of going NEET once my car dies. I'm 27 though so I'm sure my parents will kick me out soon. I hate my schedule. Cannot believe when it is 11pm and I need to go to bed in an hour.

What are your experiences with this?
R: 36 / I: 1

Corona Quarantine

Anyone else here starting to miss quarantine times? I hate that normies go out again and do their socialising stuff.
R: 10 / I: 0


Around late 2016, the long-form suicide note of a 28 year-old Japanese man (which had been saved in the Internet Archive) made its way here. I remember this in incredibly vivid detail because of how moving it was: he detailed how he dropped out of high school at the age of 16 in 2004, lived with his mom, and did little other than play video games. He detailed his childhood crushes in full, including school yearbook photos and their full names, and described how he used to visit one's house. He documented how his mother openly lamented his pitiful state, saying things like "I gave birth to you? For what?" and how he punched holes in the walls of his room in anger.

At the end, he outlaid how he planned on offing himself: hanging from an exercise bar purchased on Amazon. Presumably, this was successful.

I used to have the Internet Archive link saved, but lost it a few years back. Even before then, the page was deleted from within the archive for one reason or another. Does anyone here remember this and/or happens to have it saved someplace?

Pic related.
R: 321 / I: 37

Depression Crawl Thread XXXVIII

Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.
R: 59 / I: 7

Advice from fellow NEETs.

Hello, I really need help right now, most specifically from any fellow NEETs on the board.

I live in a place where NEETbux isn't really viable, so the only way to be a NEET is leeching off of my parents. I know they wouldn't get to the point of kicking me out, so I'm safe in that regard, but still, the advice I need right now, from anyone who's been in the same situation, is: How do you overcome the shame and guilt?

I know they love me, and I do love them, even if I don't seem to do so in their eyes, they probably see me as ungrateful and lazy, a dissapointing failure of a son. I understand the reasons for this, they were loving parents and did their best, and I gave them lots of hope in my academic years, always being an outgoing student.

For me to turn out like this is something that'd naturally make them somewhat resentful of me, but the thing is, either I'm a NEET or I kill myself, and I though that being a NEET would hurt them less. I can't live a normal life anymore, studying, working, it's all just too much for me, it's a lifestyle that makes me breakdown regularly.

If I'm going to live, it has to be as a NEET, in my room, comfortable, but most of all: Safe. I'm at peace here in my bed, with my laptop, door and windows shut, no notifications on my phone, no one else awake at home but me, this is the closest I can get to bliss, if I'm going to do this whole living thing, it has to be like this.

Still, seeing my parent's dissapointment, being a manchild while all of my old peers move forward in life, getting good jobs, buying their own homes and starting families, I don't exactly want any of those things anymore, but it's hard to not feel inadequate and ashamed, it's hard to not have even worse self esteem, but most of all: Guilt.

What should I do? Killing myself is an option, but I don't want to break my parent's hearts.

However, living the life they want me to live, it's just too much for me, I don't want to suffer.
R: 19 / I: 0
I'm in my mid 20's and literally have never had a job. Eventually my parents are going to get too old and not be able to support me anymore. So what the fuck am I supposed to do, go from comfy neetdom to suddenly working 40+ hours a week? This seems impossible and I have no idea how I'm going to adjust when that time comes.

I wish I could do minuscule work even if it meant living life in a pod. I don't care about living space, I just want to be left alone from the rest of society.
R: 313 / I: 41

Wageslave General

Another day, another edition
Previous Thread: >>243829
R: 36 / I: 3


What has gone wrong for you recently?

Could be home related, finances related, family related (if you still live at parents).

I was supposed to receive insunrance money and now they said it's been delayed for 9 months. So I'm forced to become homeless as I have no more funds left.
R: 18 / I: 3

The UN got my favourite website shut down...


The American Futurist for those unaware is a publication with individuals like James Mason (author of SIEGE) involved. Their domain got suspended by Enom Inc. at the request of the United Nations. So looks like the UN is taking down sites they don't like. How long until this place is taken down?
R: 12 / I: 2
i fuck up every single choice i take in life i wish i could find solace in shit alcohol or tobacco but i don't like any of them
R: 11 / I: 1
Are your parents disappointed in you?

Mine yes. Dad even referred to me as retarded, not to my face though. Luckily I have extremely successful little brother so the pressure to give grandkids is off my shoulders. I have schizophrenia and autism so at least I have a tiny excuse to be a fuck up.

My dad still talks about my future children tho. I just answer like "haha…y-yeah…", he has to know on some level, me being 29yo virgin who has never brought succubi home.
R: 155 / I: 8

At what age can you not turn your life around?

>worthless polisci degree (2015)
>didn't work a job until 24
>have had 14 jobs and quit them all within a year or less
>haven't worked more than 2 months at a job since almost 2 years ago
>live at home, never paid rent
>never made more than 16/hr doing almost entirely what amounts to stocking shelves in grocery stores
>lack the natural affect and social fluidity that makes interactions with people smooth due to years of isolation
>can't stand interacting with people in a professional way
>get really anxious, feel panicky, etc
I got a job where I had to go into 711's, convenience stores, etc and talk to the store managers about shelf space for our candy bars and buying displays. I couldn't handle it. The idea of having to ingratiate and grovel to someone i don't want to talk to so some anonymous faggot company can make more profit just made me so angry. I ghosted after 2 weeks of training and one week of sitting in my car outside the stores to spoof the companies GPS on our tablet.

Is it over? Should I just move to some small town in the midwest and stock shelves at the local grocery store and hide from the vicious judgement and shame of the east coast yuppies who i was supposed to be a part of?
R: 5 / I: 1
I've forgotten how self-imposed despair and suffering feels like. It only goes back to my head those brief moments I relapse back to heavy drug abuse.

I am mentally ill and so are many here. I've stopped looking at my mental health as something wrong that has to be resolved. I have severe depression (recurring), BPD both with psychotic symptoms, that's it. I don't overthink it. I take my meds and deal with the wave of symptoms as they come in my daily life.

This is not about improving or being better. I've found life is slightly more tolerable like this. Seeing myself as an ill person, accepting there is nothing wrong with that and taking ownership of my health to not end up in fucking jail or the psych ward again.

Just wanted to say that, can't fucking sleep, forgot to take my mirtazapine for 2 fucking days and I feel like blowing my brains. It feels like I am a small chihuahua getting fucked in the ass by a big rottweiler, that's how I feel and I gotta wagecuck "tomorrow".
R: 10 / I: 4
Sadness engulfs my day-to-day life, and it has nothing to do with sex. The only thing keeping me from throwing myself from a skyscraper is that it's a sin. God is the only reason I'm here, I hope this is just a test and not a punishment.