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/dep/ - Depression

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R: 72 / I: 8
How did you or your parents ruined your life? What did cause your transformation to wizard?
R: 7 / I: 1

Learned Helplessness

Who else here would describe their situation as an incurable learned helplessness?
R: 18 / I: 7
Any wizards balding? Just noticed my hair has thinning lathes all over my head. I've ordered finasteride medication and a hair growth shampoo but I'm not hoping for a miracle. Any others experience the same? Did you fight it or just shave completely? I was hoping to have a long white mane of white hair when older to go with my wiz beard
R: 13 / I: 3

Dep

Tell me why you're sad bros. Just let it out even if you don't know what it is.

I've had long bouts of apathy and boredom for no specific reason. It helped to be creative or just let it pass.
R: 31 / I: 4
Do you guys ever wish you were more autistic? Like to the point where you stopped having anxiety and depression and just didn't give a fuck?

I feel like this is a good level of autism:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4Hapmm9YiY
R: 43 / I: 1

I need to vent

I'm almost 24 but can only like succubi 8 to 13 . I correctly see this as a problem and I thus asked for help:my doctor will give me bupropion
Is it true that this will make me suicidal?he said it will help stop obsession over children
Please help me,I don't want to become a child-linguiere catalog collector
R: 281 / I: 63

Depression Crawl Thread XX

Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.

Akira Yamaoka - Ripe Black Soul: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=44IHB8qSUJ4
R: 25 / I: 0

Suicide General

The last suicide general has hit the bump limit.
Previous thread:
>>201553
R: 53 / I: 10

Wageslave General

not getting paid enough for this shit edition

previous >>204136
R: 29 / I: 8

Anhedonia. What has been your experience with it?

Another shitty anhedonic riddled day to get through. Great. One of my most sincere wishes, and perhaps, hilariously enough, I'm alone in feeling this way even on Wizchan, but I really fucking wish I could just enjoy getting lost in modern entertainment again, specifically video games.

Fuck all this "I want an actual 'skill' I can use/learn", "indulging in escapism isn't what you should be doing", "escapism is bad", blah, blah, norman-tier bullshit I've seen so many idiots on this site endlessly parrot or go on about. In my case, I just want, desperately want, for this sort of stuff to enrapture/occupy me the way it used to and for it to always do so until the day I die. Anhedonia is literally the devil incarnate. Years of this fucking shit now. YEARS. Fuck, I hate this. Fucking hell, I hate this. Why can't you just leave me alone? God damned unending pestilence. Everything else is perfect (has been for years upon years now), but nope. Chronic anhedonia's gotta eventually fuck it all up & ruin everything. Like being in an idyllic garden full of ripe fruit, that end up as ash in one's mouth the moment they take a bite. This is so fucking shit man. Why couldn't humanity have evolved from a species that doesn't suffer from this kind of garbage? Is anhedonia just endemic to consciousness itself, or just shit eating apes specifically? Sometimes I fucking wonder. Because you know what, yeah. By rights, I should be able to just get drunk on vidya, or whatever else, 24/7. Why the fuck shouldn't I? Anhedonia, that's why. It's not fucking fair, man. I just want to actually enjoy what I'm doing, like I used to. Is that so much to ask? These days, it's like fucking pulling teeth to do this shit! A constant fucking struggle! What the hell? WHY? I swear to fuck, I'd even give up my sizable NEETbux if it meant I never had to suffer from this kind of debilitating joylessness ever again. I wish I could just somehow choke the life out of this fucking demon. Anhedonia literally makes a mockery of my entire existence.

Drugs & alcohol are not an option for me. So for all you wizzies out there quick to suggest, "Durrrr, juz get drunk & smoke dat weed, lol", please keep it to yourself. The only sort of "advice" I could possibly expect to get at this point, even from Wizchan. Either that, or norman-like finger-wagging & condemnation from those cretins I mentioned earlier who jack themselves off to Jordan Peterson at night, or whomever the hell else who epitomizes the sort of flagrant bullshit they spew. You know how sad that is? Just fucking kill me. There's the real answer.

I ain't a big fan of Tool, but that song of theirs 'sober', just fucking nails this shit so hard. The strong emphasis on the WHY in, "Why, can't we not be sober?, or the WHY in, "Why, can't we sleep forever?", is fucking carnally perfect. "I just want to start this over". Ain't that the fucking impossible to realize truth.
R: 18 / I: 2
I feel confident making this thread because I've already told the mental health system, and they're not contacting the police. So I guess if they're not too worried, it's fine?

I'm not well lads. I've been on the brink of killing people over the last few weeks. I have really bad autism and my flight/fight instincts are stuffed up. Whenever people confront me, I don't handle it too well. I try to rationally talk my way through it, and if that doesn't work, I freeze up, and from there it becomes a binary thing where I'll escalate things to murder or I'll fall apart.

A few months ago I had a succubus break into where I live, she was in love with the person I live with I think. This was at one in the morning, I tried to kick her out and tell her to go. She looked at me smugly and said 'oh, you work for so and so right, well you won't be for much longer'. Then she started saying she'll tell the cops I deal drugs and touched her. She left after that, I was standing there horrified. But I almost, fucking almost, smashed her head in against the breakfast bar. I wanted to smash her face in so hard she'd never be able to smile or look presentable again. I wanted to leave the entire kitchen besmeared with her blood by the time I deformed her.

I cried for hours with these thoughts, my hands were shaking and I couldn't sleep. I had a work shift in 5 hours at the time and I remember just crying at work.

I'm having similar confrontations. People yelling at me, screaming at me. Just recently almost stabbed the people to death, walking right up to where they lived with a pile of knives in my hand from the kitchen. I was so close to doing it, but instead I fell apart and destroyed the house I was in. Screaming profusely and expressing pure visceral anger.

I'm deeply sad and broken friends.
R: 9 / I: 1

suicide mission mentality

Has anyone started planning or actually did,any activity,hobby,or plan which requires loss of the fear of death,or stopping care about long-term ?
for example going to a third world country,being agressive in the street,so on. I view the depressed as having trespassed the threshold of fearing death,and thus,being inmune to the fear,they are liberated towards danger.
tl;dr: are you guys gonna go wild now that you don't care anymore?
R: 19 / I: 4

The End of the Wizards

This is kind of a follow up to the previous thread "The end of the wizards?", I thought about making a direct continuation but there's not much left to be said is there? (Plus teen LARP'ers plague these type of threads).

So a better question to be asked is "Where will you go when everything is gone?" It's a hyperbolic question but the internet, which I'd argue is the home of many current wizards, is almost completely turfed out at this point.

For now I'm hanging on to the few threads remaining across a few sites, but now I have to start thinking of something to replace it.
R: 24 / I: 1
“The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn.”
R: 18 / I: 0
Were any of you ever spanked as children? Do you think it influenced you becoming depressed?
R: 15 / I: 0
What's the thing you watch / play / listen to when you have the flu? The thing that feels the most comfortable? When you just want to forget about reality?
R: 137 / I: 19

Drinking general

Who else drinking tonight by himself?

Drinking this fucker straight. 47% ABV. Toss in benzos and a weak opiate.
R: 300 / I: 35

Suicide General

The last suicide thread has hit the bump limit.
Previous thread:
>>195730
R: 112 / I: 6
What was the last good year of your life? 2012 is the last year I can say with 100% certainty that I was happy, everything ater it was only downhill.
R: 8 / I: 0

I hate Eeryone and wish i was dead

Do you feel the same? I want to kill myself everyday, but because I don't have the means to do so in a relatively painless peaceful way, i'm stuck in this nightmare for the long run I guess.

I've been an isolated neet since I dropped out of school in the 6th grade. im now 31 and have nothing left in me to continue.


I just wanted to say I hate humanity with a passion to other people who might have had the same life as me. I hope the normie Muggles get taken out by an asteroid soon.

good day, and let the tendies flow.
R: 4 / I: 0

How do you enjoy something?

I was riding in the train the other day and there was a very nice view of the city. I thought about how fortunate I am to experience this but then I wondered how exactly can I appreciate it. I tried to sense this feeling of contentment but I couldn't quite locate it. It makes me wonder if pleasure is something we chase for itself or if it's just an instinct. Or maybe I have Anhedonia? For me pleasure feels more like not-suffering. Like the pleasure of eating is not being hungry or craving anymore or the pleasure of entertainment is not being bored. I feel like because of this I can't motivate myself to do anything with delayed gratification since there isn't really a feeling of pleasure to look forward to and the avoidance of suffering is more short term.
R: 6 / I: 3
So how do I learn to live with my body for the rest of my days on this Earth, I wake up every morning feeling utterly empty and lack the motivation to move on. I feel like a direct result of constant bullying, I am also the ugliest guy I know, I could pass as an elderly person if j actually tried to LARP.
R: 3 / I: 0
Hey /dep/. Has anyone here also have experience with psychotic disorders? I was diagnosed with psychotic depression when I was 13, and had to be set on antipsychotics. I kept hearing voices taunting me, numbers kept "repeating", and I heard numerous things. At night it'd get really bad, so my only escape was to play video games. Keep in mind this was before I got the diagnosis. I have had these voices my entire life.

I nearly murdered my mother because of what the voices told me (plus the fact I was manic at the time and felt like I can do anything), I grabbed a knife, and when I saw people walking by, I returned it. Dad had to take me to a mental institution.

I am constantly confused, my mind feels like it's in tangles, and I can't get myself together at all.
R: 44 / I: 3

Insanity

Do you ever wonder if spending a significant amount of time alone is driving you slowly insane? Like finding it harder to separate daydreaming from reality, not being aware of things happening around you, changing the ways in which you react to situations and external stimuli etc?
R: 7 / I: 1

The problem with joining an online forum

There is already an established clique and you are joining as a newbie. If you don't fit in with them,or if you don't kiss their feet, you will be ignored.

I prefer anonymous image boards.
R: 107 / I: 6

Parental Resentment

Even though I'm almost 30, I can't let go of the resentment toward my mom. I tried to read many online posts on forgiveness, but it's difficult. My mom was old and poor (40+, welfare) when she had me with a 40+ year old, short (5'1"), ugly (100% Jew), poor (homeless living in a tent), sociopath (killed small animals for fun, abusive etc). Not only was I screwed genetically, but I grew up poor and isolated in a dysfunctional "home" in the countryside (Would have been nice if not for my mom). My mom became a single mom due to her terrible choice in partner. I wasn't fed proper meals or even taught to brush my hair. I became isolated from peers from a young age. There was no public transportation, I relied on my mom. There was no extended family (they are also crazy though), nobody. I became isolated from my peers early on because I couldn't even discuss tv shows (we didn't have tv) and had holes in my clothing.

When I should have been learning and enjoying childhood, I was cleaning around my mom's hoard (hoarder) and trying to cook for myself. If I tried to pile her garbage from the floor she would screech at me for hours that I threw something out (even if I didn't). She would follow me around the house screaming at the top of her lungs, knowing there were no neighbors to witness her behavior. Once some neighbors walked by and saw the hoard, threatening to call CPS. I wish they had. At least once per week since 1st grade my mom would scream that if I didn't go to college, I'd end up like my father. I finally chose to study Computer Science, but she yelled at me for months until her voice gave out to choose Business. When I tried to discuss Marketing she physically attacked me. I was too isolated and brainwashed to go against her. She hadn't even saved for my college, I'm now $20,000 in debt.

As I said, I'm almost 30. There were times I thought of writing a cooking blog, but her hoarder house background was too disgusting for photos. Many times I wanted to learn new skills, and I would actively be learning when she would slam my door open (she cut a hole in it to remove the lock) and scream in my face when there was a bug infestation or other hoarder issue. Despite being a terrible mother, she bragged to everyone that she was amazing. People didn't realize I was quiet not because I was well-behaved, but because I was scared. In college, I spent my vacations cleaning her house without throwing any of her junk out. She would scream at me when she couldn't find something even though she could never find it anyway, but I worried about her pets and cleaning was one of the few things I knew how to do.

After college, she discouraged me from applying for jobs. She didn't want me to leave, and I didn't know what to do. I had some free time due to lack of school/work to study my own interests. After a few years, I became suicidal and after she complained to a counseling group that it was annoying, they called the police. She was kicked out of the group. Two counselors kicked her out (one for her temper tantrums). After seeing that a counseling group and paid counselors couldn't handle her, I began to realize I'm not crazy to resent her. I realized she cared about her own interests ahead of my own, that's why the only jobs she encouraged me in were part-time where I could commute to and from her house so I wouldn't move out.

I feel like I was not only held back in life by her terrible parenting, but also pushed into a bad life path. I am finally forced to acknowledge my situation, age, college debt, and need for some peace. I'm not excited to wage slave, but I am also not ready for suicide. I'm going to teach English abroad. I had a counselor who told me my mom ruined my life due to narcissism and to move to the other side of the world. I have a useless degree and a TESOL certificate, so I'm ready. The only thing is I still feel resentment and sadness. I tried to talk to her about how she treated me, but she pretends nothing happened. If I had decent parents, I believe my life would have been better. As long as I live with her, she will encourage me to make poor decisions and further ruin my life.

>>Does anyone else feels this way here or has a similar backstory?

>>Do you resent your parents?
>>Has anyone overcome the resentment from being poorly-raised and led on a bad path?
R: 60 / I: 7

Fellow Wizards, you are my last hope, somebody please be out there

First of all my stats:

27yo
KHHV (haven't had any physical contact with a female in 8 solid years, but at this point I am to depressed to even care.)

My life is currently in shambles, it already started breaking in childhood, despite me trying to prevent it from doing so ever since I was around 13years old.

My childhood was fucked from the get go, mom was extremely lazy and a horder, 90% except my room and bedroom of our 200m2 house until recently (9months ago) have been unlivable. Clothes, rotten food, trash and used female hygiene products everywhere. If i tried to clean up anything she got hysterical and screamed at me/pulled my hair out.

Parents were constantly fighting, about the trash (my father got into tirades every second day but never did anything), about my father cheating (partially my moms paranoia/partially real cheating), her not cooking any food, my dad not giving her enough money (he gave her 2k per month, she spent it all on clothes).

My mom never cooked, when she cooked lunch, it was 3h after i got home from school (4pm) and she just threw some pasta in a pan with cheese (no vegetables no meat, literally just pasta and cheese) or something simmilarl. She stopped cooking altogether when i turned 13, had to cook for myself ever since, in a kitchen, which never got cleaned or had its dishes done. Parents provided me with no knowledge on nutrition and I didn't learn anything about it in school either. I also lived 5 miles from the nearest store with no public transport to get there, so I couldn't even get any groceries etc. Basically was forced to eat the trash my parents fed me. I got to eat a meal that had lean meat in it maybe 1 a month when I was at a friends house, but thats about it.

No friends in high school, constant bullying and physical abuse (got beat up so bad once, that EMTs had to be called and i had to be transported to a hospital). Told teachers, they didn't care, told parents, mother didn't care, father told me it was my mothers problem and threatened to beat me up if I refused to go. Grades dropped because of falling apart mentally, parents punished me by restricting my computer access (at this point the only window to the outside that I still had), teachers constantly targeted me specifically to motivate me to use my bootstraps, which obviously backfired, grades+mental health dropped further. I finally had a breakdown and refused to go back to school, which resulted in my father attacking me. I hid in the bathroom and he broke down the door to attack me.

Yet somehow i managed to complete highschool. But my mental and physical health was in complete shambles at that point. I had hit 250lbs at a height of 6foot and couldn't even leave my room anymore. Yet I still tried to get my shit together and get ahead in life. Lost 70lbs, fixed my nutrition and started studying for college.

I even started college last fall, but instead of attending classes, I had to clean up my mothers trash during the last 9 months, because I just couldn't take living on a trash dump anymore. But no, I wasn't allowed to just throw away the garbage, no, I had to put every used tampon and every piece of trash nicely sorted into boxes and put it into her half of the house (which she now claimed as her own). Yet she would still scream at me hysterically and threaten to call the police on me, if I touched her stuff while I was cleaning up, all this despite the fact, that she previously had given me permission to clean up the other half of the house (even in writing) It should be noted here, that due to complicated circumstances it is impossible for me to move out at the moment, so I bascially was forced to tunnel my way out that way since it was the only option for me to get out of this mess. However, I still had no kitchen or any place where I could eat, since the rooms that I had cleaned of her trash were completely barren beneath the trash. So I had to build my own kitchen from scrapwood due to being financially to depleted to buy one. I just finished building the kitchen, but I am broken to the point where I cant even eat anymore, let alone cook food. Needless to say i failed all my classes, because I spent the last last basically sorting tampons and shit stained clothing, but it was the only way for me to ever live in a place that is not a rat infested landfil.

The reason why I am writing this is, because I have fallen so during the last few weeks, that my agitated depression won't even let me sleep or eat in peace anymore. I am constantly exhausted and in pain, I am haunted by flashbacks. Flashbacks of bullying in highschool, but mostly of my mom screaming at me non stop for the past 9 months while I was crawling around in that stinking heap of trash. I get jumpy at every sound and wake up at 3am with severe anxiety attack, that keep me up all day and night to the point where I am so exhausted, that I don't even know which day it is anymore.

I have spent the past 4 hours trying to get an appointment with a psychiatrist, but none of them were accepting new patients. I called every number in my shitty backwater of a country except our equivalent of 911 and nobody could help me. They all just told me to go straight to a mental health clinic if it was that urgent. But the problem here is, that I have such severe anxiety, that it is impossible for me to go there. It should be noted that I am also not suicidal, just severely depressed, so I cannot just dial 911 and ask for help there.

The breaking point for me was when the last psychiatrist told me "You are a little special aren't you?". Which was after I had asked him to whether he knew somebody that handles urgent cases, since he only had one free 60min session in November, and I was too anxious to go straight to the ER of a psychiatric hospital.

So guys, if somebody has read his, just talk to me, just say something, I am all alone in this world, no friends no "family"….nothing.
R: 146 / I: 23

Uniwiz General 2

This thread is for wizards who are permanent, unwilling students in highschool 2.0.
R: 141 / I: 16
Well fuck… it appears that I did not win the Mega Millions jackpot, or anything.
R: 4 / I: 0

Difference between schizoid and BPD

How can you tell whether you're a schizoid or BPD? I go to this state sponsored psychiatrist and he has to write down all my diagnosis in a sheet to feed nationwide statistics, even if I don't ask for a diagnosis. I saw him writing down BPD once.

I see myself as a solitary person, I like being alone, I have my own hobbies which I keep to myself, like poetry or making music and sharing it with other spergs back and forth. I used to feel very anxious and was very attached to some people when I was younger but now I simply don't care about anyone. I don't even live with my parents but we have a history of abuse and neglect and I want an apology and harm them at the same time.I am on "good terms" with mom, want dad to die even though all the childhood abuse came from mommy.

I got a wagecuck job to mantain myself and I just try to please everyone and get along even though I don't care about co-workers. Years have taught me you need to act normal at work to not get fired so I just "act normal" but that's not me. I fake laugh and fake smile all the time and bant. I get uncomfortable when someone expects something not work-related from me. But I have these mood swings and black and white thinking and idealization at the same time. Also have substance use disorder and suicide attempts which go more in line with BPD.

So what the fuck am I. I also qualify as anti-social because I steal and shoplift shit and fuck with others when given the chance.
R: 168 / I: 32

Beauty, Vanity and unreachable Beauty Standards

Ugly anons, tell me about the impossible beauty standards you wish you could fulfill, how you wish you could look like and why, what you would do with your life if you managed to look like your ideal selves.
My beauty standard for myself is something like an older Tadzio from the 1971 Death in Venice movie, a beautiful, androgynous young man, with a godly face and a slim and pale body.
Instead I was cursed with an average face, a big nose and acne as well as bacne, which is a death sentence for a vain, looks obsessed guy like myself. Despite knowing that beauty fades and means nothing in the end, I feel hatred and jealousy towards every handsome man I see, especially those who come close to my own ideals.
How is life for other average or below average looking wizards going, especially those who are vain and very appearance-oriented like myself? What impact does the feeling of never being good looking have on you? Does it bother you or have you made peace with it? How do you cope?
R: 20 / I: 2

Neets/Hikikimoris are lucky, whether you admit or not

People that are neets/hikis and live with others with no backlash for their lifestyle are really in a comfortable spot. Compare that to me who is living with my parents I'm always scared of leaving my room due to the fear that i'm just gonna get scolded for my "laziness", parents have been on my back for college while I just want a wagie job that pays minimum and live in an apartment, all I need is a bed, some food and internet, my happiness is not fulfilled by consumerism or needless thing because it never makes me happy. I wish that I could be as comfortable to just not have so much pressure on my back, it's so hard living with someone that barely understand you. Anyone with similar experiences? I feel like living a low life is what I deserve, I don't feel grateful for what I have, I feel as this is some deserving punishment, who else owns their own apartment/house, what is it like?
R: 49 / I: 2

Real life conversation

To have a ,,normal" conversation in real life you have to think quickly and reply in quickly way.
I cant do that I think slowly. Even on internet before i make a post I have to think on a while. It is impossible for me in most cases to think and reply quickly.

I dont know if I have mental illness or something.

Sometimes I have moments when my brain feels empty when I lack thoughts. I must have time to create thoughts.

Therefore most people think that I m retarded.
R: 12 / I: 1

body language

I think my body language makes sometimes fake signs.

Why I know that? Because normies often tell me that I look like I m scared and stressed even when I m not, even when I dont feel these feelings at all.

I want to erase these fake signs that I make, but I dont know how yet. Do you have same experiences?
R: 41 / I: 8

Friendless

I literally have not had a single friend since around the age of 13-14. This is literally true. I just turned 24.

Diagnosed schizotypal.

Anyone else in this situation?
R: 7 / I: 2
Is there any way to fundamentally increase happiness? I've made big changes in my life, some good, some bad. For example I used to be a NEET and now I have a job. When I think to myself what I would do if I was a NEET again and had that much free time I feel that I would be very happy, however if I think back to when I was actually a NEET I can say I felt about the same level of happiness as I do now. It's always been consistent throughout my entire life. Big events only fluctuate it temporarily, but nothing changes my base day-to-day happiness long term. So is it possible? Has anyone actually changed their base level of happiness long term?
R: 27 / I: 2

Life after death

Does anybody know of or experienced being dead for a short time and came back alive? Did you see anything or feel anything? I’d really like to know because it creeps me out.
Happy 18th birthday wizzie yeah I know.
R: 34 / I: 3

Battling your own mind

Does anyone else have a defeatist self-pitying attitude?

It makes it so hard for me to improve because I keep looking for ways why something won't work out or how it's impossible instead of looking for opportunities. Even if I am aware of this fault of my mind and try to be logical my mind still tells me it's true. Often I get into arguments with others when I ask for advice because of this because I keep trying to explain why I find something hard to do or why their advice doesn't work. I rightfully get called out for having an unproductive mindset but it still hurts. Then I enter this spiral where I hate myself for being like this but also hate myself for wallowing in self-pity instead of improving.

I feel like the luck of having a good personality is something that is never talked about while people do acknowledge someone being lucky to be good looking, a genius, talented or born in a rich family.
R: 3 / I: 0
Suicide thread.

How are you going to commit suicide? I learned from a young age that I am too big of a pussy to actually kill myself. I’ve tried multiple times and either ended up failing or someone finding me and in a hospital. But I have finally figured out how I will finally die.

I have seen tons of videos of people brandishing knives on cops, and that’s all it takes for them to kill you. All I need to do is walk towards a cop with a fake knife and a thank you note in my pocket and that will be the end of it.
R: 24 / I: 3
How do I explain to my parents that after 10+ years of social isolation, touch starvation, untreated depression, you know the whole deal … your batteries are not fully charged and you're not ready to take on the world? Because that's what they seem to be thinking.

In their mind, I was fed and housed and didn't have to work for so long that I must be bursting with energy and just not using that energy because being a depressed wreck is so much fun. They are turbo norman in all other aspects, so this does not surprise me, but seriously, is there any way to explain this to them?
R: 36 / I: 0

Sodium Nitrite

How many of you are considering the sodium nitrite method? I got mine recently. Been working on my suicide letter today.
R: 1 / I: 0

Obsession

How do you stop being obsessed with a person or thing? Obsession and addiction are major sources of depression for me and I need to break my downward spiral.
R: 24 / I: 3
Does anyone else wonder what they did with all their time on earth so far? 28 years… and I know that the thought of feeling like you wasted your time isn't uncommon but usually it's on a higher level. Like people with jobs, who live on their own, maybe even have a family…

But I'm like a baby with 0 life experience. Never had a proper job, dropped out of college early, never had a serious hobby, haven't read any of the classic novels that get referenced everywhere, don't read books, haven't traveled, don't know how to cook, don't know how to drive, don't know how to properly do household chores… and of course all the wizard staples like no friends and relationships… It feels so alienating. I can't partake in any conversation about any topic really. Starting anything feels so overwhelming. I haven't even managed to apply any self help advice consistently. Like I will read how certain vitamins might help with fatigue and never go around ordering them. Or read about the benefits of meditation and exercise to only do it once. Anything but browsing message boards, watching tv, playing mindless online games overwhelms me.
R: 5 / I: 1
How hard is it to get on disability for severe mental illness? I am going to kill myself if I can't. I could try to work but I'm pretty sure I'd collapse and be thrown into a mental hospital if I did. Even showering is extremely difficult so there's no way I can work. Been there done that. But I think I'd just kill myself before dealing with all that.

I've been put on Lexapro before by my general doctor so that prescription is the only thing I have to show. Is disability the easiest way to survive? I'm willing to do the bare minimum until I die because since I depersonalized it killed all my motivation. I can't feel love anymore. All I have left are my hedonistic drives and addiction to food and porn. Every day is just a fight for survival at this point.
R: 66 / I: 2
What keeps you going in life?

My life is shit, my goals and dreams are impossible to reach and I'm tired. I hate having to strive and work so hard to achieve what most people have so easy.
R: 13 / I: 2

How I Finally Became Content

Might not work for all, but thought I'd share in case it can help even one wizzie out. After years of suffering from depression, I finally went on antidepressants. Although they helped with no longer feeling suicidal, the feeling of discontent deep down within me remained. When I watched tv, movies, or anime I'd compare myself to the main characters. In real life I'd compare myself to the geniuses, wealthy, and gifted. A story about a 13 year-old who got rich after programming a game (example) would drive me to resent my upbringing and what I could have been.

And then…One day it struck me: Even the main character – no matter how powerful, cool, rich, or handsome he is – will succumb to the same fate of death.

The real winners are the background characters and NPC's who live simple, peaceful existences. I started to accept myself as average, forgettable, nothing special and my life changed for the absolute better. Now I see myself as a townsperson, an NPC, a supporting character – I'm not the main character. I'm not the hero. And that's okay.

The pressure I put on myself for years disappeared. It's been about 6 months since this epiphany. I'm not overwhelmingly happy, but I am content. I'm almost 30. It's probably been 10+ years since I ever felt content, and it's a good feeling.

So, I just thought I'd share. You never know who this could help…but if it's not well-received, who cares? I'm just an NPC after all.
R: 16 / I: 1

what's your wizard insight on this?

Serious post, don't delete. Am I wrong for thinking this way? I need the input of other wizards.

I am 25. I've lived through physical abuse, mental disease, psych wards, meds, poverty, severed all ties with family, near death experiences, failed suicide attempts, constant humiliation, you know the drill.

I see everything clear, or I've turned legit crazy and haven't realized:
>life is absurd and meaningless
>social constructs of society don't matter, realizing this I am no longer shackled to them
>only care about my reality, I stop caring about judging or being judged
>realize that I am free to seek transient happiness in the "small things" that I enjoy, until I die
>realize mental illness is like diabetes and that I should take care of myself

With this in mind I feel calm. Or I am having a gigantic delusion and will snap shortly.
R: 10 / I: 0

Huge mistake at work

Hi guys. I fucked up at work. I had a good idea how to make good service for our customers and I told some colleagues. It seemed they really liked it, and now I am called to explain (defend) my idea in a huge meeting with higher management. I know I can't do this. I am too nervous and anxious. I am thinking of quitting my job. What do I do? Help me please!
R: 305 / I: 52

Depression Crawl Thread XIX

Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.

Previous thread: >>205910
R: 21 / I: 3

Health Anxiety

Is anyone else suffering from it? Any time I read about someone getting ill from doing something mundane I start reading about diseases and worrying. Even if the experts say that the illness is rare it stays on my mind for a long time. Also any time I experience some pain or strange sensations I assume the worst.

What contributes to my fear is that with a lot of illnesses its said that the sooner they get detected the better. But a lot of them have vague symptoms like headaches or what could be the flu. I'm fortunate to live in a country with socialized healthcare and still I can't just get checkups just to be sure because they could also do damage. X-Rays increase the odds of getting cancer, meds can have side-effects and it's possible that something benign gets mistaken for serious leading to unnecessary surgery which could have complications. So it's a damned if you do damned if you don't situation which leaves me in a constant state of anxiety. What makes things worse is that some illnesses can take months or even years to manifest so I have them on my mind for a long time before I know I'm safe. This is also why I don't have a fear of flying.

Anyone else like this? Maybe you managed to overcome it and could tell me how?
R: 12 / I: 1

My grandma is dying

She's the one who raised me. Obviously I've thought about suicide before but now that this nightmare is happening I feel like there's not a single reason to keep breathing after she dies. Hasn't even happened yet but this dread I feel is enough to make life intolerable, can't even think about anything else or have any hopes for the future. Can barely even talk to her without crying.
R: 71 / I: 12

End of internet as we know it

Since the internet is as it was, a place for mistifts is in the great process of dying.. where have the actual misfits gone now?
For example this very site is affected too, in 2017 I could still see various quality posts on /dep done by real recluses but I guess the situation here drove them away.

If anyone of you, "those" people reading this.. please tell me where you have gone nowadays?
Be it other sides of the internet or I dunno where.
R: 7 / I: 1

Successful and failed organisms

Have you ever considered by what process we become what we are, that is to say, failed organisms? A successful organism from a purely biological perspective, is one which reproduces itself many times. That's not to say there's any real value in that, there isn't; but there is evolutionary utility. How does a 90 iq street thug produce many offspring between prison incarcerations, and a 120 iq wizard produces none with all of his free time. Whether by choice or by chance, by mistake or fortune, it is interesting to think about.
R: 8 / I: 0
Hello /dep/, I haven't been to wizardchan since two years. But this seems to be the best place for this thread.

How many of you take Psychiatric medication?

I just had a psychosis again and now I'm on 4mg risperidone, the fourth antipsychotic in my psychiatric record.

The side-effects are strong and drain the last energy out of me, but without them I become very nervous and paranoid.

What have been your experience with antipsychotics and schizophrenia, schizos of /dep/?
R: 36 / I: 1

Just about ready to die

At the ripe age of 20 I feel that I am soon ready to entirely and completely give up on life. I've suffered from BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) my entire life due to losing my father when I was younger and being abused by my mom + her boyfriend and grandparents when I was young as well as a few near death experiences and a lifetime of bullying. I've only recently gotten a diagnosis for it and its all starting to make sense. I was doomed from the start. I turn 21 this December, its going to be my judgement day. I've become recently extremely hostile to just about anyone who isn't my mom as she is the only one who takes care of me now. I still don't really like her even though she has seemingly turned things around. I hate everyone, how most people can live these easy and nice lives by stepping on the people around them. I've never willingly thrown someone completely under the buss like I have been many many times. These people will never know consequences, they will never know suffering. They will only know what its like to treat a loser like a loser. And what happens when these very people become losers themselves? They get help. Because people will help them, even though they may be shit bags. Even though they have stepped on people they deserve help somehow. Because they can change. I can never change. I will never change. I need to die to end my suffering. And that I will do. Silently. No one will know when or where I die. I will go into the woods to die so nature can consume my miserable remains.
R: 10 / I: 0
Normies are evil and fake.

When you re alone face to face with one normie he will most likely act normal, not be rude neither aggresive towards you.

But when that particular normie will be in group of people he will start acting like some animal fighting for domination. He will act stupid, say stupid things and sometimes even be aggresive, nasty.

I hate them. I was always an outcast and I will ever be. I wish I could get neetbux and never get close to normies anymore.

But thats not possible.

If you re different from normies and you are in some place that requires socialization, then you re fucked
R: 226 / I: 18

The end of the wizards?

Posted it in another thread but I feel it deserves it's own thread because of the subject matter.

>Wizards, and social retards/reclusives/outcasts, are a dying breed. It took me a while to figure that out, I don't know if we're being breed out OR that the modern state of the internet has opened all doors for self-improvement and congregation for people who would be us (I think it's the latter). Cos on 4chan people are always complaining that "reddit is leaking" or "it's so reddit in here", it's not. It's that the "zoomers" that have replaced us, come from a much more socially inclined background by default and most, if not all, of internet (and geek) culture has seeped into the mainstream.


>Those of us that did not fully commit to a fandom or a passion, are now left with no real identity. I think in a certain sense it's a lot harder to be a loner now, like, you can have a giant anime figurine collection but the internet these days will always remind you that there are other people who also have the same hobby, but are enjoying with other people who take it to different places they wouldn't have dreamed of on their own. Basically reminding you that *your* giant anime figurine collection are just lumps of shaped plastic.


Turn 30 this year, and it feels like it's the worst era to become a wizard. But on the flip side (and maybe it's some sort of underlying mental illness) I've been feeling upbeat for the last 2 weeks cos it feels like there's nothing left to lose now.
R: 24 / I: 5

Loneliness

Do you know what true loneliness is, anon? Somehow i dont think you do. Because even here i am not accepted, which would have been something.

I chat with one other person maybe once a week for no more than 10 minutes, even though i want to talk, go out and have fun constantly. There is just not a single other person out there i can do that with. Everyone either hates me or doesent know i exist. I have been banned from all my usual places - clans in games and such - a couple months ago, so now i dont even communicate with anyone in games.

I forget the sound of my voice. Im constantly drunk and crying. Send death.
R: 14 / I: 3

Locked in life

For the last few years I want to move out of my parent's house.
But the thing is that the comfort zone is killing me, my mom is making me food and I don't have to bother with rent so I have extra money. But as the time goes by, I mentally suffer.
I can't get my shit together in order to move out, I'd most likely get to rent a room and live with some people under one roof. But as long as I have my own room I think it won't be so bad.
I simply don't know how would I function, will I be able to maintain my "good habits" to not feel like shit etc.

I really want to get out of this place. I will soon be 27, already gave up on "normal life" just wanna live in peace with myself. But I can't push myself out there. Has any of you gone through this transition successfully?
R: 28 / I: 2

Bullying.

In primary school I was bullied by 50% of the students in my class.
In middle school I was bullied by 75% students of my class.
In high school it was once again 50% of the class.

By bullying I mean being bullied by one person at least 2 times.


Does it mean that potentially 50% of the people of earth are my enemies?
Its quite logical conclusion.
R: 306 / I: 35

Wageslave General

searching for a way out edition

previous >>200881
R: 4 / I: 0
I know this question might be stupid, but is therapy worth it?
I'm at a poibt in life where I genuinely believe that if I continue like this I'd never be happy ever again.
On the other hand I don't believe in therapy.
How could talking to a stranger ever help me with my problems?
R: 305 / I: 62

Depression Crawl Thread XVIII

Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.

https://youtu.be/D83cMncj_Ig
R: 131 / I: 24

Addiction general

Are you addicted to something?

I believe that you can never fully overcome an addiction.

Alcoholics who manage to quit have to go to AA for life and still talk about not drinking every night after they've been sober for 30 years. Sorry but I can't see that as a success when you've made your entire life about sobriety.

Smokers that "quit" smoking never really quit, the cravings are always there even years later, and once in a while they give in to them. Statistics say that 97% of smokers aiming to quit fail within 8 days.

Fat people are the same, they go on a diet, they put weight back on. They can never just change lifestyle and maintain their weight because when they walk past a fast food joint and the smell hits their nose they can't resist.

You can get the addictive substance out of your body but the psychological addiction is hardwired and can't be undone. If you've had a cigarette with your coffee every day for 10 years, when you quit, even though you may not have any nicotine in your body you will still feel like something's missing.
R: 24 / I: 3

Lots of Cops Appear to be Offing Themselves Now

There are two explanations for this – someone is offing these cops, or these cops are, in actual fact, offing themselves.

I think that you have to have a certain level of IQ and a certain kind of a soul to even contemplate the idea of committing suicide. Case in point – you will never hear of a sheboon committing suicide, ever. You’ll hear about Asians who have been humiliated committing suicide quite often. And nowadays, all you hear about is some White guy in his 40s or 50s (never Boomers, natch) who just committed suicide.

Concerning cops, I suppose you have all these former soldiers from Iraq and Afghanistan on ‘roids and heroin who are sad about being called racists while on patrol by uppity blacks.

Honestly, who even cares tho.

Literally everyone except the Boomers is feeling suicidal presently. We’ve got a society of Doomers running around from all ages <55.
R: 55 / I: 7

Never improving despite wanting to

I kept wondering how come I have these frequent moments where I feel like I woke up from a slumber and wonder how I could have let myself go so badly. Then I get the motivation to improve myself but soon I go back to my routine until the next "wake up" moment in a few months. How come all this time in all these years I didn't manage to improve my life even a bit? It has been like 9 years by now. More than enough time to improve yourself. It's quite shocking.

But now I realize why. Because I just don't have the discomfort tolerance for any kind of change. With some motivation I might start exercising but then comes a day where I just feel like I have no strength to go out so I stop the exercises for a day. Then for the next day. And the next. And quickly I forgot I've been exercising at all and go back to doing nothing. And same thing happens with any positive change I try to start like eating healthy, learning a language, reading, not spending so much time online…

Do I just need to keep at it? People keep saying that it gets easier but I haven't made this experience. Or do I just accept that this is who I am? A weak willed spineless worm?
R: 18 / I: 2
How do you deal with thought based OCD?

I have a fucked up one, its damn scary.. it forces me to think on things I dont want. Whenever I calm one subject my mind decides to obsess about (and it always has to be something that will cause me all kinds of bad feelings).. It will insist jumping to another fucked up subject. It will even come up in my dreams.
It especially loves to bring up episodes from my awful past, my mistakes, guilt, fears, imagined stuff, even schizo stuff and even "what ifs" if my luck would be even worse than it already was.

Pic related: depiction of how it physically feels like (more or less)
R: 10 / I: 0

Why is survival considered to be inspiring?

Sometimes, I'll hear a normie use the following argument:

>X had to endure all these terrible things for decades. You can definitely survive what you're going through!


Or a slightly flipped-on-its-head version:

>Anon, you've gone through X, and Y; surely you can take on Z.


Isn't the logic completely flipped here? When I hear these stories, I'm not inspired at all. I end up thinking, "Why the fuck did X carry on at all?! You're proving my point!" All these 'inspirational' stories are just proof that giving up is often the best course of action.
R: 1 / I: 0

complaining/shouting parents

My mom is constantly complaining under her breath about the mess of the house, yet most of it is made either by dogs she unilaterally decided to bring here, or her live-in boyfriend who she unilaterally decided to move in. Sometimes it comes to the point of shouting and it is very difficult to empathize as I know I would not have made these choices, and if I regretted their outcomes so much, would have gone back on them.

Half of her rage is justified as this guy is a slob, and he constantly blames me and my brother for things he actually does, like make a mess of the kitchen and leaving toilets full of shit. To avoid her meltdowns I sometimes flush a toilet he leaves behind or wipe up a mess he left.

It angers me greatly that he then goes and blames me for behavior I never do, for his own behaviors that I cover for. If not for having to actually use the toilet/kitchen occasionally I would more often leave his mess for her to find, which I have been trying to make an effort to do.

At the same time, she is quick to yell about noise, which gets yelling in return, and this is upsetting for me so I generally try to find a way to leave the room, preferably the house by taking the dogs out back.

I get angry at her for doing this, not because of getting angry (because it is understandable) but because she refuses to harness her anger to actually make a choice to solve the problem: ending the abusive relationship. She won't get counseling, won't find a support group, and inevitably will lash out at anyone who even agrees with her momentary criticisms of him, accusing them (including myself, her mother, her siblings) of not wanting her to be happy, being a racist, etc.

I'm increasingly becoming resolved to simply give up on this family, more and more it is just economic feasability which keeps me here as I've never had a high-enough paying job to rent a bachelor apartment in the area. Even renting a room (non-private bathroom) or taking a room-mate would be very expensive, and those introduce unknowns I would need to navigate which are frightening.

I feel trapped so I continue to bear this abuse. But it makes it hard to sleep, hard to read, I'm afraid to begin my schooling because I know how hard it makes to study. But unless I can get a psych to acknowledge my anxiety and depression for big bux it doesn't seem likely I'll find a path out of this without getting a high enough education to start at a high-wage job.

I'm trapped outside a circle of causality.
R: 10 / I: 2

Stranded on Earth

Do you feel like you simply are not meant to be here on Earth?

Do you feel apathy towards the traditional metric of human growth and success (allegiance, military service, philanthropy, job, family, children, property, wife, friends)?

Do you frequently question you being here on this planet as a member of this species?

A lot of troubles in my life can be summed up to being incompatible with people. I simply don't "get" things that appear to be intuitive/common knowledge to other people. I don't care about most of things people care about. I don't display the "appropriate" emotions at the "appropriate" opportunities.

Every groid stereotype you can think up, I likely don't fit the mold. It's as if a divine power stuck the spirit of an alien or animal into this fleshy body to observe how'd it turn out to have opposing elements exist together, because they were bored.

Now, let's return to the original question: do you feel like an alien stranded on Earth? Please elaborate.
R: 18 / I: 3

Average Length of Depressive Episdoes

https://articles.mercola.com/depression/duration.aspx
>On average, clinically depressed individuals can suffer from the symptoms anywhere between six and eight months.
This article reads like a fucking joke. It's been going on for at least seven years now. For those who haven't had it their whole life, how long have you had it?
R: 55 / I: 4

Is suicide really THAT devastating for the family?

All I head is that the family will be devastated yada yada, but really? Yes, It will be hard for them for a few years, but you will eventually be forgotten. What is your opinion on the family impact wizs?
R: 13 / I: 3

Movie - The secret

I remember years ago, when I was 16 years old. I had hard time in school. I felt bad, generally.
But then I found on youtube movie called the secret. There were normies saying lots of possitive things - that you can basically achieve anything if you would think possitively and if you would visualize in mind what you want to achieve.

That movie can be brainwashing for kids.

I thought that I could try this, perhaps my life would be better.

But it wouldnt change anything at all. It changed only that I forced possitive thinking in my life instead of being realistic.

I was young and stupid.
R: 69 / I: 9

no point in posting

anybody else fail to see the point in posting anything anymore?
i used to write 100 posts a day sometimes on various chans. as time went on, i got more and more cynical and hated people so much i wanted to lessen my interaction with them. the first signs of this were when I'd subconsciously stop writing helpful, kind posts with good grammar, and began writing half-assed shitposts instead. now people accuse me of being a phoneposter but i don't even own a phone, i actually just don't give a fuck.
the few posts i do write now (about a dozen a week) get very few/no replies, even the ones i work relatively hard on or think are funny or want people's opinions on. this is like confirmation to me i shouldn't bother.
i had more to say but i lost motivation around half way through writing this. im just gonna post what i have even though it's unfinished.
R: 61 / I: 3
Anyone here legit have brain damage?

I've never got a brain scan to confirm it, but I'm 99 percent sure I do. 10 years ago when I was 16 I was beaten really badly by a white knight. He hit me with a punch off guard and stomped on my head repeatedly. I was able to get up and go home and never saw a doctor, but I was never the same since that day.

I began stuttering even though I never did before that day, my grades tanked, my thinking became scattered, I became less coordinated, I forget words, even common words, very easily, and my typing speed tanked. I remember my goal used to be to be able to consistently type at 100 wpm and I did those online things to test it and I went from consistently being in the 80-90 wpm range all the way down to 35-40. I also remember literally nothing that happened before middle school, but who knows if that's related.

I think about getting a brain scan to confirm my suspicions but I know nothing can be done about it if that's the case, so why bother. Part of my likes to cling to hope that I just have some sort of mental block that I'll magically snap out of.
R: 8 / I: 1

Obesity life expectancy

Hello Wizards,

I'm severely obese (1,75m, 184 kg). I've been always kinda chubby as a kid, but things started really escalating around 17.
I'm now 32 years old and already diabetic. Since I'm too pussy to suicide I was wondering if just continuing my current lifestyle was a sufficient way to end my suffering by the age of 45 to 50. It's very important that I die at 50 or earlier as my parents will be gone by that time and I'm incapable of sustaining myself (even though I receive disability benefits, I have not been outside for a decade and the thought alone of going outside to be judged again gives me panic attacks).
Please let me know what you think. Also will my death be rather painless? I'm okay with the pain my current lifestyle puts me in, but scared for it to become worse. Thank you.
R: 5 / I: 0

Discontinue Antidepressants

So one week ago I have stopped taking Cipralex after taking it for about 5-6 months. The doctor recommended to taper off so it was already the lowest dose available (5 mg) yet it felt rather abrupt. In the past I went through Kratom withdrawals so I thought I was prepared for any negative side effects. Well the withdrawals itself were almost non-existent. The only thing that really stuck out were something that people call 'brain zaps'. Also for a few days I felt very restless and emotionally unstable but nothing too bad. I even managed to be more productive in some sense than before.

However now it feels like there is an issue with my brain. It's a weird kind of sensation. I know what it's like to be depressed, fatigued, anxious, exhausted and tired all day. That's not quite it. It feels like my brain is overwhelmed with things much more easily than it used to be. The zaps still occur with reduced impact. I am constantly looking for times where I can rest and close my eyes though I'm not actually tired. I simply want to lay down and close my eyes. This might be better than depression but I am worried if this will keep on. Right now it's okay as I'm NEETing anyway but I will have to get a job again some time or later.

What are your experiences with stopping antidepressants? How long does it take to get back to normal (your normal self) if ever? Did they change you long-term as a person? Any long lasting side effects that make you regret taking antidepressants in the past?
R: 31 / I: 0

driving anxiety

Anyone else having driving anxiety? Do you deal with it somehow? Any success stories? Any accidents? Scared of parking or of normie drivers judging you and telling you off?
My throat shrinks choking me, I feel like vomiting and I get temperature if I have to drive even if it's scheduled to be a week from now.
Despite living in a small town I still have to check every little corner and parking space on Google Maps before I drive anywhere and I'm still stressed out that there won't be any parking space available, I have no idea where I could possibly park out of ordinary places so in an extreme situation I could just pull off some random pontentially dangerous thing. I feel like one day I could be capable of causing something like that because of how airheaded and unskilled I am behind the wheel.
Out-of-town roads are better than town centre because there's less manouvering and other BS, no pedestrians, you just drive straight.

The only advice that I read was to
>just drive more bro, practice, practice
Altough I acknowledge that may be the only way it's still an unpleasant experience overall. When my dad dies (who does 99% of the driving) then all that responsibility will be set on my shoulders.
R: 26 / I: 0
I feel so depressed, empty and constantly lost in my thoughts that I can't even focus on watching a movie or a show anymore and I can't enjoy any activity.
R: 12 / I: 0

Getting off SSRIs and psychiatric medication in general

What has your experience been tapering off anti depressants?
what works?

I have been on zoloft for a year. I have had enough of the weight gain, brainfog and periods of general confusion. This medication is not available in oral solution in my country so I can't do the 10%month reduction method like SAD.com recommends. Not sure what to do.
R: 125 / I: 14

Anxiety

Just a month ago I started getting anxiety attack where I keep feeling like I’m dying constantly but I never do. I don’t know why Mother Nature had to make a condition like this. I saw a doctor and got checked up and he said I’m fine but I haven’t seen a psychologist yet and I don’t know if I really want medication. It feels like it’s been a long time since I could just lie down and relax and I really wish I could go back to the days when I could just relax and not feel like I’m suffocating.
I used to think anxiety and depression wasn’t a big problem since it didn’t effect me like this which is quite selfish since it is a big issue but now I understand that the hard way now. I kinda wish I could’ve told my past self to stop stressing out while I could because I could have prevented this if I wasn’t always stressed.
I guess it looks like I’ve written a sob story for attention but really I’m just sad at the moment and it’s 4:22 am and i can’t sleep my chest hurts and I can’t get comfortable anymore.
R: 38 / I: 2

A Solution: Detachment

To all depressed wizards, have you considered and attempted detachment?

"The root of suffering is attachment".
R: 5 / I: 0

memory anchor /?/

whenever I think about something I always imagine myself in therapy talking to people, doesnt matter theme I always go to that place in my daydreams and it makes me desperate that I cant let go and I only think about it

>Whats your go to memory that wont let go?

and if youhave this, how do you forget/move on?

Its like nightmare that wont let go after 5 years and counting
R: 3 / I: 0
Anons, I don't even know if I have any problems or if is just a phase, but I fell like my present and future doesn't matter, I don't see life in life, hardly ever when I'm not too depressed or bored, I'm euphoric or angry, and recently these are the only sentiments that I have been feeling since last year. I am not an adult, but I see no point in continuing, I had all I wanted to have in this life in just 16 years, I'm not rich, but I'm a simple guy, don't want to bother anyone, but I feel like there's no point in my existence in this universe and all I have done since I entered in the school is earn money in a non too distant future. In my eyes, common people have the greatest knowledge in their pockets, but the only thing that they do is beg for like on their social networks, ironic, no? My parents just care about status and money, and if I disagree with them I am called communist
I really don't know if this is as deep as I think it is, but I just don't want to die because of fear of death
Comment whatever you want, maybe it can inspire me draw something during classes
R: 8 / I: 0

Normal resilience

Does anyone else feel out of place with how resilient other people are? The lives of people in the majority of the past have been terrible. Hard work, shitty food, no modern medicine, few to no comforts. Common jobs like sailor sounded terrible with how they had to live on a small ship, eat crappy food and many died from scurvy which is a horrible painful disease. Watching war movies always blows my mind as well how so many people endured these hardships. I can't even imagine. And even now people in third world countries live in conditions similar to the past and many people in first world countries work exhausting jobs for just enough pay to subsist. I've read about people going to work with painful illnesses because they couldn't afford a doctor.

Meanwhile if I feel the slightest discomfort it takes all my focus and motivation away and I can't do anything anymore. Even easy part-time jobs felt like hell to me.
R: 6 / I: 1

All paths are dead ends

It doesn't matter if I get a job or try to do freelancing, or game the welfare system. Why? Everything worth doing has a learning curve. Even as a NEET I can't do the hobbies I want because all of the fulfilling ones require a learning curve. An invisible wall I can't push past the discomfort. I learn whatever for a few months of fun then the moment things get hard I am just unable to continue.

I retreat back to games and anime. I'm being blocked by an invisible wall that prevents me from doing anything except consume because society has trained me to be lazy. I feel like a cripple.

>inb4 just do it


Yeah well what does just doing it require? Pushing past discomfort that I am unable to do. Just do it. is on the same level as just be yourself and STEMemes.
R: 7 / I: 3
Dear fellow wizows, what do you think, does compulsive masturbation has anything to do with depression? I hear you…
R: 3 / I: 0
Wizowskies, what do you think, should i be keeping an online journal of my suicide progress?
R: 7 / I: 0

Anxiety - getting birthday phone calls from relatives while being a NEET wizard

Every year I get worried for a whole month before my birthday because of this shit. I fucking hate these calls. I've turned off my phone a few times in previous years but I didn't really like doing it and they just ended up talking behind my back about how weird I am for doing that.

Any NEET wizards out there who also get birthday phone calls from relatives? Do you answer your phone? How do I deal with getting a bunch of calls from all my uncles, aunts and cousins (all of whom I almost never talk to/meet throughout the whole year), asking about my life, what am I doing on that day, etc, while I've been a NEET hikki for years?
R: 86 / I: 10

Self-improvement

Have any of you guys TRIED self-improvement?

This may sound like a normie thing to some of you, but ""simple"" tasks such as meditation and exercise may help us to reduce our depression.

This guy sounds very honest and well-intended.
R: 101 / I: 8

Actual Wizards

How many of you are actual wizards?

How are you coping with regrets? I'd thought they'd subside by 30 but they've just gotten worse.
R: 10 / I: 0

I ruined my face

I don't have much to confide in. Im skinny fat, borderlining manlet, awkward, poor and dont have much special talents or hobbies. but 1 thing that always cheered me up was my face. i wasnt chad or anything, but definitely like pretty boy or something along those lines

I noticed i had abit of a fine line around my mouth late last year, i then started picking at it and exfoliating it (too hard) and it became swollen and red. when the swelling gone down it left this raised mark on it that just doesnt go away

Now i was devastated. its been like this for over half a year now and i didnt see much improvement. the only thing that made me feel kinda good about myself was gone. I feel like a hideous freak or a monster and feel bad for those who have to put up looking at me

Had I been born ugly perhaps I would have accepted it, it would be just a stroke of bad luck in the genetic lottery. But i did this to myself. I ruined my face and I feel so much regret and just want to kill myself. every waking moment where i am reminded of this just fills me with sadness and regret and anxiety. I dont even enjoy vidya anymore since seeing the good looking characters saddens me. Hell even looking at other non-ugly people reminds me of it and makes me want to die.

Any other wizards here /ugly/ or engages in self sabotage in fits of anger or regret? how do you put up with it? also vent thread i guess
R: 6 / I: 0
i hate my job, how do i quit it without feeling bad? bad about the money that is. also why the fuck are female managers always on huge power trips? why the fuck do they have to remind me of shit i already know every 2 seconds doing my job? im doing my fucking job. i get paid to do my job not listen to you talk my fucking ear off.
R: 3 / I: 0

Incompatible with living

Anyone else here feel alright about being alive but then when it comes to the intricacies you would rather be dead?
I have my health, I don't feel that horrible about wasting tons of time on pointless things, etc.
But someday my parents will not be able to support me or die then left fending for myself I know I won't make it.
I don't really have any goals outside of having comfortable living conditions and time to myself.
I'm not very intelligent and dropped out of highschool and have no social skills or energy.
At least here in rural america it seems like there aren't any jobs worth working(doubly so with my qualifications) and things will probably only get worse in my lifetime.
How do you handle it where you're okay with being a leech but when it comes to the harder things you want to exit?
Should you try and build a career before it becomes necessity? Buy the necessary things for exiting life before you run out of money?
I'm 4 years into being a neet and really been thinking about this a lot lately, its easy to zone out and not consider the future. Are you planning?
R: 13 / I: 0
Do you guys think that by reading articles about our psychology and biology you may make yourself less disciplined? It's pretty depressing to read how big the influence of genetics and the environment when growing up is on your personality and ability. How its possible one has a happiness set point which is genetic and how even willpower is genetic too. The fact that I didn't display any talents in my youth and had a personality that made me waste time on video games and internet makes me think that I just don't have the ability.
R: 24 / I: 2
Does anyone else treat what should be entertainment like a job?

Whenever I play a game or watch a tv show or a movie, even when I enjoy it, I feel like it's a duty and I can't focus on anything else before I completed my backlog. I have this naive thought that I will start being productive once I ran out of games to play and movies to watch. It's like I'm afraid that I will miss out on something important. That some piece of entertainment might somehow offer a life changing experience.

Anyone can relate and theorize idea why that is?
R: 2 / I: 0

Regret

Why is regret such a powerful negative emotion?

I keep feeling despair over doing nothing to advance myself in the last 8 years. At this point I am trying to be realistic: for whatever reason I just don't perform as well as others. So even if did all these things I wish did like learning a trade instead of forcing myself through college, reading books, learning how to draw, learning how to cook, meditating, exercise, learning japanese… I would probably be mediocre at them. I also believe that there is a happiness set point so even if I was successful I would probably have new things to worry and feel regretful about. So I think the problem are not my bad decisions or lack of accomplishments but rather my mindset. But still I can't stop feeling regret… after all even if I wouldn't be in amazing shape right now anything would be better than my current state.
R: 5 / I: 0

Hope/Gratitude/Repentance Thread

Feeling hopeful, grateful or guilty about something? Share it here, everyday if you want to.

You're encouraged to bring up your own older posts when the feeling calls for it.
R: 318 / I: 63

Depression Crawl Thread XVII

Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.

Please, be respectful to each other.