R: 131 / I: 18
Depression Crawl Thread XXII
Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.
R: 64 / I: 12
This is one of those things I feel could help a lot of people out (and not just people dealing with depression), but it's something that isn't really considered by many people - most people don't really take imaginary friends seriously - and so I kinda want to raise awareness a bit.
You can call her a tulpa if you want, but I prefer to avoid that term. She is entirely in my head, and she's not magical at all, so keep that in mind. Anyone can make one, and you don't need any crazy rituals or leaps of faith to do so, you just need to put in a little effort.
I'll try to answer every question, even questions of a more intimate / personal nature, and if you want to ask her anything, I can relay the question to her. If you want to talk about your own experiences dealing with these things, please do, it's always nice to know me and my partner aren't alone in this.
Stay strong!
Imaginary friend thread
Hey. I posted this thread on lounge, but I think this board would be a better place to discuss it. I have had an imaginary friend now for about 5 years. I created her when I was in a dark place, and since then she has helped me get my life together and improve myself tremendously. I am quite honestly sure she saved my life.This is one of those things I feel could help a lot of people out (and not just people dealing with depression), but it's something that isn't really considered by many people - most people don't really take imaginary friends seriously - and so I kinda want to raise awareness a bit.
You can call her a tulpa if you want, but I prefer to avoid that term. She is entirely in my head, and she's not magical at all, so keep that in mind. Anyone can make one, and you don't need any crazy rituals or leaps of faith to do so, you just need to put in a little effort.
I'll try to answer every question, even questions of a more intimate / personal nature, and if you want to ask her anything, I can relay the question to her. If you want to talk about your own experiences dealing with these things, please do, it's always nice to know me and my partner aren't alone in this.
Stay strong!
R: 178 / I: 29
Previous thread:
>>201553
Suicide General
The last suicide general has hit the bump limit.Previous thread:
>>201553
R: 25 / I: 5
I have sensory processing disorder, which combined with living in an apartment, makes my life a living hell. To one side of my apartment is an asshole who watches movies all day with the volume so loud it sounds like I live next to an imax theater. To the other is a succubus who has a dog that barks as loud as it can and nonstop whenever she isn't home, which is usually like 12 hours of the day. How it never gets tired of barking i have no idea. Above me is a couple with a kid with ADHD that runs around the apartment, screams for probably no reason, and it sounds like he bounces a basketball a lot of the time. Also the mother doesn't seem to grasp the concept of an indoor voice.
I would move but i've lived in many other apartments and it's pretty much the same no matter where i go. Ill never be able to afford to rent a house and buying one is out of the question.
I dream of an all wiz apartment. No dogs, no children, no speakers or stereos.
Apartment life
Anyone else living in an apartment and hating it?I have sensory processing disorder, which combined with living in an apartment, makes my life a living hell. To one side of my apartment is an asshole who watches movies all day with the volume so loud it sounds like I live next to an imax theater. To the other is a succubus who has a dog that barks as loud as it can and nonstop whenever she isn't home, which is usually like 12 hours of the day. How it never gets tired of barking i have no idea. Above me is a couple with a kid with ADHD that runs around the apartment, screams for probably no reason, and it sounds like he bounces a basketball a lot of the time. Also the mother doesn't seem to grasp the concept of an indoor voice.
I would move but i've lived in many other apartments and it's pretty much the same no matter where i go. Ill never be able to afford to rent a house and buying one is out of the question.
I dream of an all wiz apartment. No dogs, no children, no speakers or stereos.
R: 29 / I: 7
>want 'free' thing?
>prove you don't need it first!
>want a job?
>can't hire you unless you had one before!
>want to live in the woods?
>emancipation means nothing due to loitering laws!
>don't like it and leave the country!
>oh, but no other country will take you so go drown in the ocean instead!
>EVENTUALLY you'll grow up and want to play our 'game'!
>move out of your mothers house already and be a slave to profits and idiotic draconian rules!
>if you don't it'll be too late, but oh, it's never too late of course!
>if she/they/he dies you'll end up on the streets aka in jail with normalfags!
>better get to work quick, time is running out, but not really!
>want a loan to help you?
>lol get a job fag
>can't get a job, what a manchild!
>he's 30 and he has never worked!
>work for free first and maybe they'll hire you after your volunteer work!
>just get an education even though you're stupid, and oh, get a loan for tuition first XD
>WHAT you failed your semester? Go work at mcondalds with niggers and zoomers!
>LOL NEVERMIND WE IGNORED YOUR APPLICATIONS XDDD
>his dream is to live in the woods what a loser! XDDDDDD
>want 'free' thing?
>prove you don't need it first!
>want a job?
>can't hire you unless you had one before!
>want to live in the woods?
>emancipation means nothing due to loitering laws!
>don't like it and leave the country!
>oh, but no other country will take you so go drown in the ocean instead!
>EVENTUALLY you'll grow up and want to play our 'game'!
>move out of your mothers house already and be a slave to profits and idiotic draconian rules!
>if you don't it'll be too late, but oh, it's never too late of course!
>if she/they/he dies you'll end up on the streets aka in jail with normalfags!
>better get to work quick, time is running out, but not really!
>want a loan to help you?
>lol get a job fag
>can't get a job, what a manchild!
>he's 30 and he has never worked!
>work for free first and maybe they'll hire you after your volunteer work!
>just get an education even though you're stupid, and oh, get a loan for tuition first XD
>WHAT you failed your semester? Go work at mcondalds with niggers and zoomers!
>LOL NEVERMIND WE IGNORED YOUR APPLICATIONS XDDD
>his dream is to live in the woods what a loser! XDDDDDD
R: 27 / I: 3
as if im a fuck up which i am but I've given up at this point, at one point i was trying and i decided why bother . I fucking hate my mother, i only respect my father who i am sorry to but fuck my mother, i fucking hate her she never admits her faults and blames me, I was a fuckin kid you piece of shit. at least she's dying now and i told her what to do to cure her illness but she says how I'm a mentally unstable she won't take my advice lmao, okay you stupid bitch then go ahead and die. Where's your god now stupid bitch
Fucking hate my mom
I hate my mom, i never stood a chance because of her, she's mentally ill and emasculated and feminized me, ive suffered so much because of her. i fuckin hate my sister and my mother. anything I've done she shuns me,as if im a fuck up which i am but I've given up at this point, at one point i was trying and i decided why bother . I fucking hate my mother, i only respect my father who i am sorry to but fuck my mother, i fucking hate her she never admits her faults and blames me, I was a fuckin kid you piece of shit. at least she's dying now and i told her what to do to cure her illness but she says how I'm a mentally unstable she won't take my advice lmao, okay you stupid bitch then go ahead and die. Where's your god now stupid bitch
R: 292 / I: 36
previous >>204136
Wageslave General
not getting paid enough for this shit editionprevious >>204136
R: 27 / I: 2
i've never had friends even online
i've no money and no education, i live in thrid world and there's no hope
everyone enjoy abusing me online
i cut myself and can't stop crying, my eyes twitching and everything hurts
my life is a tortuer please god let me die
i've never had friends even online
i've no money and no education, i live in thrid world and there's no hope
everyone enjoy abusing me online
i cut myself and can't stop crying, my eyes twitching and everything hurts
my life is a tortuer please god let me die
R: 26 / I: 3
I am starting to believe that this world is a form of hell meant to torment a few select humans, wizard types such as most posters here, everyone else is an npc that exists to torture us and remind us of all we will never enjoy in life no matter the effort given while npcs get to enjoy thing beyond our understanding but within our observation. I have come to this conclusion based on how in my own life I have observed how all my suffering seemed to always be very targeted and timed at the right place and timing, at first I suspected narcissists and or other forms of sadists in my life might be conspiring against me but I have concluded most of the events targeted against my emotional, mental and physical wellbeing are too well timed and planned out to be organized by humans. Does anyone else feel as if the world itself is geard towards causing as much suffering to you personally? inb4:schizo.
I am starting to believe that this world is a form of hell meant to torment a few select humans, wizard types such as most posters here, everyone else is an npc that exists to torture us and remind us of all we will never enjoy in life no matter the effort given while npcs get to enjoy thing beyond our understanding but within our observation. I have come to this conclusion based on how in my own life I have observed how all my suffering seemed to always be very targeted and timed at the right place and timing, at first I suspected narcissists and or other forms of sadists in my life might be conspiring against me but I have concluded most of the events targeted against my emotional, mental and physical wellbeing are too well timed and planned out to be organized by humans. Does anyone else feel as if the world itself is geard towards causing as much suffering to you personally? inb4:schizo.
R: 20 / I: 4
No one likes me. I have no friends. My parents despise me. My black welfare caseworker is getting fed up with my excuses for being unemployed.
My heart condition is getting worse.
I can't stop eating crap food.
Diablo 3 doesn't work anymore.
What is the point of any of this? Why would the universe do this to me?
No one likes me. I have no friends. My parents despise me. My black welfare caseworker is getting fed up with my excuses for being unemployed.
My heart condition is getting worse.
I can't stop eating crap food.
Diablo 3 doesn't work anymore.
What is the point of any of this? Why would the universe do this to me?
R: 4 / I: 0
I'm not currently in a place where a length of rope is real easy to come by. Medical overdose is also likely out of the question since that is a regulated item.
Suicide methods
what's an effective way to end my life that doesn't leave a mess?I'm not currently in a place where a length of rope is real easy to come by. Medical overdose is also likely out of the question since that is a regulated item.
R: 12 / I: 1
I'm just a parasite now and I'll become something less and less human as the years go on, years and years of staying in my room with my computer have damaged my ability to empathize and communicate. I have no what idea what do or what will happen to me once my parents die which isn't going to take too long considering they are old and sick. My birthday was last week and none of them remembered. Or anybody for that matter.
I'm so empty
I don't have any knowledge about anything; I barely know how to tie my shoes. I still have no idea how I managed to finish high school, everybody there hated me for no reason and my grades were pretty mediocre. If I remember right I think I repeated 3 or 4 years. I know nothing of culture, politics, literature, movies, music, basically everything. I'm still trapped in my child stage of life and I haven't grown out of it. All I've done so far in my life is play old video games and randomly browse the internet. I never felt and put any effort into anything requiring responsibility, and I still have an apathetic and lazy attitude towards everything.I'm just a parasite now and I'll become something less and less human as the years go on, years and years of staying in my room with my computer have damaged my ability to empathize and communicate. I have no what idea what do or what will happen to me once my parents die which isn't going to take too long considering they are old and sick. My birthday was last week and none of them remembered. Or anybody for that matter.
R: 13 / I: 2
I cant understand other people who have depression and talk about it publicly
I understand depression in private but when people make it out publically especially on videos and streams I can't help but cringe. Like why would you bring your whole viewership to this? Does depression make people selfish? Especially big YouTubers and the such cause I can't help but cringe when I listen to them talk about their depression. Anybody else? R: 16 / I: 0
Suicide prevention lifeline is fucking worthless
Do not call them. They will either not answer your phone call, hang up on you or have you committed if you tell them too much. Fuck counselors. They are worthless backstabbers. I was committed involuntarily four times. That means that my 2A is gone and even if I buy a ghost gunner if I’m caught with it I could face serious life in prison. That’s what you get when you speak to counselors. Your rights taken away. They haven’t helped me because I’m stuck in the same situation as before.
R: 39 / I: 7
Have any of you ever considered curing loneliness with a pet? Since I got a puppy all my suicidal thoughts have gone and taking care of my puppy has taught me to take care of myself. I've had a few smaller rodent like pets as a child but somehow I never managed to bond to any of them as much as with dog puppy.
Have any of you ever considered curing loneliness with a pet? Since I got a puppy all my suicidal thoughts have gone and taking care of my puppy has taught me to take care of myself. I've had a few smaller rodent like pets as a child but somehow I never managed to bond to any of them as much as with dog puppy.
R: 17 / I: 1
Sources: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XJst3JJngXs
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5065403/
http://www.cirp.org/library/psych/
Circumcision and Rage
so how did you cut wizzies react when you found out about circumcision and its effects on the human body. I personally was sent into a rage than dread for some time realizing what had been done to me and how I couldnt of done anything because it was done to me like many as a newborn. Later I did find out about foreskin restoration but I am too poor for any of that. Even though for the most part the foreskin can be replaced or healed, it is impossible to replace the frenulum and other parts. Plus the mental trauma on babies caused by circumcision on babies is significant.Sources: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XJst3JJngXs
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5065403/
http://www.cirp.org/library/psych/
R: 91 / I: 5
What keeps you going in life?
My life is shit, my goals and dreams are impossible to reach and I'm tired. I hate having to strive and work so hard to achieve what most people have so easy.
What keeps you going in life?
My life is shit, my goals and dreams are impossible to reach and I'm tired. I hate having to strive and work so hard to achieve what most people have so easy.
R: 53 / I: 2
Is it true that this will make me suicidal?he said it will help stop obsession over children
Please help me,I don't want to become a child-linguiere catalog collector
I need to vent
I'm almost 24 but can only like succubi 8 to 13 . I correctly see this as a problem and I thus asked for help:my doctor will give me bupropionIs it true that this will make me suicidal?he said it will help stop obsession over children
Please help me,I don't want to become a child-linguiere catalog collector
R: 0 / I: 0
I've seen and done too much. I've "tried" and succeded to some extent. I regret ever trying. I wish I was a blissful, ignorant NEET but I can't even have a conversation with my parents that doesn't end up with an act of violence.
I've tried and I am tired. I am tired of this life. Christmas eve. Everyone talking about love. I just want to be alone but I can't. I am stuck in a rented rat cage with two other idiots I hate. I hate my wagecuck job. I hate planning, executing and failing a suicide.
I feel a connection to this site and all wizards and it's just a stupid fantasy. We aren't friends. We will never meet each other. Even if we did we'd probably hate each other.
Wizard thoughts
I am feeling an intense feeling of depression and being dead right now. Things had gotten stable for a few months, I've just realized it's been two months since I started spiraling back to my recurrent state. Level 25.I've seen and done too much. I've "tried" and succeded to some extent. I regret ever trying. I wish I was a blissful, ignorant NEET but I can't even have a conversation with my parents that doesn't end up with an act of violence.
I've tried and I am tired. I am tired of this life. Christmas eve. Everyone talking about love. I just want to be alone but I can't. I am stuck in a rented rat cage with two other idiots I hate. I hate my wagecuck job. I hate planning, executing and failing a suicide.
I feel a connection to this site and all wizards and it's just a stupid fantasy. We aren't friends. We will never meet each other. Even if we did we'd probably hate each other.
R: 2 / I: 0
Is there a discord server for discussing seppaku? Most seem to have been shutdown
Is there a discord server for discussing seppaku? Most seem to have been shutdown
R: 156 / I: 125
depressing images
Post nothing but depressing pictures. You can add depressing text, personal anecdotes, et cetera to your post, but each one must contain a depressing image. preferably grayscale and "artsy" but any "blackpill" pictures suffice. I am in the mood to expand my collection.
R: 21 / I: 2
Dad:
>Often wears underwear and his genitals hang out of them when he sits down
>Loudly "hucks?" up flem from his throat
>Yawns like a fucking wolf
>Picks nose and ears and touches everything afterwards
>Sneezes on my computer screen and sometimes my food
>pisses on the toilet seat and floor
My mother is too much, but she's mentally ill so I try to not let hers bother me
Living with disgusting people
Would you like to share some disgusting things people you live with do? I live with my mother and father, here's some things that really disgust meDad:
>Often wears underwear and his genitals hang out of them when he sits down
>Loudly "hucks?" up flem from his throat
>Yawns like a fucking wolf
>Picks nose and ears and touches everything afterwards
>Sneezes on my computer screen and sometimes my food
>pisses on the toilet seat and floor
My mother is too much, but she's mentally ill so I try to not let hers bother me
R: 50 / I: 1
Sodium Nitrite
How many of you are considering the sodium nitrite method? I got mine recently. Been working on my suicide letter today. R: 2 / I: 0
I am more prone to having moles. I was born with two moles in my dick, one in my glans and one bellow it, only had the one in the glans partially removed by a doctor recently.
Just got the news it was pre-cancerous but it got "entirely removed and I am safe" which is a lie because there is still part of that mole in my glans. Didn't know where else to share this. Wrote my mom even though I cut off contact with parents.
Still gotta remove two moles from my back, one and a half from my dick, one from my hip and one from my knee. All potentially cancerous.
Irony. I wasn't afraid of attempting suicide multiple times. I haven't been afraid at the face of ODing on drugs. I could kill myself right now if I wanted to. I don't value my life BUT fucking cancer scares me.
Cancer
I have a skin disease called Vitiligo, I have white spots around 30% of my body at 25. I live in a very sunny and hot country and it's sunny all day long. The sun burns me easily.I am more prone to having moles. I was born with two moles in my dick, one in my glans and one bellow it, only had the one in the glans partially removed by a doctor recently.
Just got the news it was pre-cancerous but it got "entirely removed and I am safe" which is a lie because there is still part of that mole in my glans. Didn't know where else to share this. Wrote my mom even though I cut off contact with parents.
Still gotta remove two moles from my back, one and a half from my dick, one from my hip and one from my knee. All potentially cancerous.
Irony. I wasn't afraid of attempting suicide multiple times. I haven't been afraid at the face of ODing on drugs. I could kill myself right now if I wanted to. I don't value my life BUT fucking cancer scares me.
R: 241 / I: 19
>Wizards, and social retards/reclusives/outcasts, are a dying breed. It took me a while to figure that out, I don't know if we're being breed out OR that the modern state of the internet has opened all doors for self-improvement and congregation for people who would be us (I think it's the latter). Cos on 4chan people are always complaining that "reddit is leaking" or "it's so reddit in here", it's not. It's that the "zoomers" that have replaced us, come from a much more socially inclined background by default and most, if not all, of internet (and geek) culture has seeped into the mainstream.
>Those of us that did not fully commit to a fandom or a passion, are now left with no real identity. I think in a certain sense it's a lot harder to be a loner now, like, you can have a giant anime figurine collection but the internet these days will always remind you that there are other people who also have the same hobby, but are enjoying with other people who take it to different places they wouldn't have dreamed of on their own. Basically reminding you that *your* giant anime figurine collection are just lumps of shaped plastic.
Turn 30 this year, and it feels like it's the worst era to become a wizard. But on the flip side (and maybe it's some sort of underlying mental illness) I've been feeling upbeat for the last 2 weeks cos it feels like there's nothing left to lose now.
The end of the wizards?
Posted it in another thread but I feel it deserves it's own thread because of the subject matter.>Wizards, and social retards/reclusives/outcasts, are a dying breed. It took me a while to figure that out, I don't know if we're being breed out OR that the modern state of the internet has opened all doors for self-improvement and congregation for people who would be us (I think it's the latter). Cos on 4chan people are always complaining that "reddit is leaking" or "it's so reddit in here", it's not. It's that the "zoomers" that have replaced us, come from a much more socially inclined background by default and most, if not all, of internet (and geek) culture has seeped into the mainstream.
>Those of us that did not fully commit to a fandom or a passion, are now left with no real identity. I think in a certain sense it's a lot harder to be a loner now, like, you can have a giant anime figurine collection but the internet these days will always remind you that there are other people who also have the same hobby, but are enjoying with other people who take it to different places they wouldn't have dreamed of on their own. Basically reminding you that *your* giant anime figurine collection are just lumps of shaped plastic.
Turn 30 this year, and it feels like it's the worst era to become a wizard. But on the flip side (and maybe it's some sort of underlying mental illness) I've been feeling upbeat for the last 2 weeks cos it feels like there's nothing left to lose now.
R: 4 / I: 1
What are the tough time ya'll been thru just cause ya'll think'ed too much for?
Too much thinking.
i'm pretty sure i'm not the only one here who tends to think "too" much on the simplest things, too much it just irritate others, even family, makes things harder for them as they say.What are the tough time ya'll been thru just cause ya'll think'ed too much for?
R: 12 / I: 0
things are changing, times have shifted, it's not like we all use to know anymore, even scares me a bit. Not a religious guy, i'm the last person you can talk religion topics with but more and more, i do see the end times coming, and its coming quick. It's like them religious folks say, we're in the age of clay and iron where shit don't mix and i see it, everyone arguing with they're sexuality, belief, race even equality, shit just keep getting worse and more stupid.
things are changing, times have shifted, it's not like we all use to know anymore, even scares me a bit. Not a religious guy, i'm the last person you can talk religion topics with but more and more, i do see the end times coming, and its coming quick. It's like them religious folks say, we're in the age of clay and iron where shit don't mix and i see it, everyone arguing with they're sexuality, belief, race even equality, shit just keep getting worse and more stupid.
R: 4 / I: 1
the pedophiles keep showing up calling me a pedophile and trying to advertise pedophile shit and its making me a targeted individual. what the fuck do i do?+ its happened in multiple countries and i cannot get away from them. they keep claiming im retarded and that they help me and it keeps making more people join in.
the pedophiles keep showing up calling me a pedophile and trying to advertise pedophile shit and its making me a targeted individual. what the fuck do i do?+ its happened in multiple countries and i cannot get away from them. they keep claiming im retarded and that they help me and it keeps making more people join in.
R: 12 / I: 5
this year i late to some weeks for this thread. whatever.
so..what happened since last year;
as a 28 years old fukin NEET; i still living my family, no formal job; no any succubus.
but i manage to get some good paid freelance job. that gave me some hope about my life. but relief and dreams it has been short.
i was dreaming finally move out on home but i slowly lose my confident about that. as a 3rd world country citizen; living with your family such a normal thing, but i feel need to be move another place/city to no one know to me. i feel like stuck in there; in my city, in my country.
so fml. i dont any idea what im doin.
28 y'old neet, soon to be wizard
Imma mostly luker; to be honest i only make thread on my some birthdays for sharing some feeling. why? idk.this year i late to some weeks for this thread. whatever.
so..what happened since last year;
as a 28 years old fukin NEET; i still living my family, no formal job; no any succubus.
but i manage to get some good paid freelance job. that gave me some hope about my life. but relief and dreams it has been short.
i was dreaming finally move out on home but i slowly lose my confident about that. as a 3rd world country citizen; living with your family such a normal thing, but i feel need to be move another place/city to no one know to me. i feel like stuck in there; in my city, in my country.
so fml. i dont any idea what im doin.
R: 9 / I: 1
Recommend
>Trevor Hotline
It's a suicide prevention lifeline for LGBT youth. I know this one might not sound relevant but it is millions of times better than the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, at least from my experience. Plus it's the only alternative that I know of, at least for people living in the US. Their number is: 1-866-488-7386.
>r/mentalhealth
I know it's reddit, but they have a very kind community.
>Teenlineonline.org
Great mental health community for young people, except for the fact that their community is inactive.
Discourage
>r/depression and r/suicidewatch
Moderated by a fucking asshole with a urostomy bag strapped to his gut. The community can be assholes too, even by Reddit standards.
>4chan /adv/ (and any Discord groups from 4chan)
Typical assholes you would find on an imageboard. If you have any rather embarrassing problems, it's best not to go on here. The only board on 4chan that isn't flooded with total assholes like this that I know of is probably /soc/.
>Suicideforum.com
Also moderated and filled with assholes. Plus the Sandy Hook shooter used this website. Avoid.
>Crazyboards.org
I remember posting something on there 3 years ago and immediately got made fun of. Just another asshole site.
>Mentalhealthforum.net
Moderation is excessive on here.
>Sanctionedsuicide.com
The community is filled with fucking assholes. Rumor has it that some crab runs the website.
>Schizophrenia.com
Community and moderation are all assholes, like the rest.
>National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
I can't count how many times these people have hung up on me, never answered their calls, couldn't speak clear English or weren't abrasive assholes. Plus their "advice" is barely helpful. I once got committed after telling them my location and then getting my counselor involved. Avoid at all costs.
Any more good/bad services you recommend/don't recommend? I only know of three places for support other than here.
Websites/numbers that I'd recommend/discourage based from experience
I know we have /dep/ but I'm only speaking of other places you might go. This is just a heads up.Recommend
>Trevor Hotline
It's a suicide prevention lifeline for LGBT youth. I know this one might not sound relevant but it is millions of times better than the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, at least from my experience. Plus it's the only alternative that I know of, at least for people living in the US. Their number is: 1-866-488-7386.
>r/mentalhealth
I know it's reddit, but they have a very kind community.
>Teenlineonline.org
Great mental health community for young people, except for the fact that their community is inactive.
Discourage
>r/depression and r/suicidewatch
Moderated by a fucking asshole with a urostomy bag strapped to his gut. The community can be assholes too, even by Reddit standards.
>4chan /adv/ (and any Discord groups from 4chan)
Typical assholes you would find on an imageboard. If you have any rather embarrassing problems, it's best not to go on here. The only board on 4chan that isn't flooded with total assholes like this that I know of is probably /soc/.
>Suicideforum.com
Also moderated and filled with assholes. Plus the Sandy Hook shooter used this website. Avoid.
>Crazyboards.org
I remember posting something on there 3 years ago and immediately got made fun of. Just another asshole site.
>Mentalhealthforum.net
Moderation is excessive on here.
>Sanctionedsuicide.com
The community is filled with fucking assholes. Rumor has it that some crab runs the website.
>Schizophrenia.com
Community and moderation are all assholes, like the rest.
>National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
I can't count how many times these people have hung up on me, never answered their calls, couldn't speak clear English or weren't abrasive assholes. Plus their "advice" is barely helpful. I once got committed after telling them my location and then getting my counselor involved. Avoid at all costs.
Any more good/bad services you recommend/don't recommend? I only know of three places for support other than here.
R: 8 / I: 0
I feel this special bond, I am stuck in my tiny dark room I hate, with all these feelings, looking at this forum; and another wizard out there is doing the same, having the same.
Just wanted to say that. I was feeling compelled to drinking myself to stupor but I'll just practice some guitar, play vidya and tomorrow is another day.
Hi
Just wanted to say hi to fellow wizards. I always think and care about other wizards out there despite not knowing anyone.I feel this special bond, I am stuck in my tiny dark room I hate, with all these feelings, looking at this forum; and another wizard out there is doing the same, having the same.
Just wanted to say that. I was feeling compelled to drinking myself to stupor but I'll just practice some guitar, play vidya and tomorrow is another day.
R: 1 / I: 1
I came back out of curiosity and saw things improved a bit, due to adhd I didn't lurk much though. Maybe /pols found new spots to habitate in. Still see some normies who act like they know better.
Any true dwellers tell me how things were going on and how are they now?
This is the only place I felt at home a little, judging by today's internet it's really something. There is no site like original wizchan.
Lost and depressed
I haven't been here for months now. Quite a while, since I saw this site being demolished by various forms of the normie critters and mods just allowing this all to happen and censuring those who resist. I was like "fuck it, what's the point?"I came back out of curiosity and saw things improved a bit, due to adhd I didn't lurk much though. Maybe /pols found new spots to habitate in. Still see some normies who act like they know better.
Any true dwellers tell me how things were going on and how are they now?
This is the only place I felt at home a little, judging by today's internet it's really something. There is no site like original wizchan.
R: 16 / I: 0
If something good or bad happens in my life it will only temporarily change my happiness level, but after a couple days I always end up back at the same level.
Even after 10 years of NEETing and finally getting a job I felt like my life would be over, but such a huge change like that had little actual effect on my happiness overall.
My question is:
Has anyone here permanently changed their happiness level one way or the other?
Has anyone ever seriously tried (even failed attempts)?
Feel free to post any information related to this concept and if there's any hope for long term change.
If something good or bad happens in my life it will only temporarily change my happiness level, but after a couple days I always end up back at the same level.
Even after 10 years of NEETing and finally getting a job I felt like my life would be over, but such a huge change like that had little actual effect on my happiness overall.
My question is:
Has anyone here permanently changed their happiness level one way or the other?
Has anyone ever seriously tried (even failed attempts)?
Feel free to post any information related to this concept and if there's any hope for long term change.
R: 10 / I: 3
Learned Helplessness
Who else here would describe their situation as an incurable learned helplessness?
R: 9 / I: 3
Is there any way to fundamentally increase happiness? I've made big changes in my life, some good, some bad. For example I used to be a NEET and now I have a job. When I think to myself what I would do if I was a NEET again and had that much free time I feel that I would be very happy, however if I think back to when I was actually a NEET I can say I felt about the same level of happiness as I do now. It's always been consistent throughout my entire life. Big events only fluctuate it temporarily, but nothing changes my base day-to-day happiness long term. So is it possible? Has anyone actually changed their base level of happiness long term?
Is there any way to fundamentally increase happiness? I've made big changes in my life, some good, some bad. For example I used to be a NEET and now I have a job. When I think to myself what I would do if I was a NEET again and had that much free time I feel that I would be very happy, however if I think back to when I was actually a NEET I can say I felt about the same level of happiness as I do now. It's always been consistent throughout my entire life. Big events only fluctuate it temporarily, but nothing changes my base day-to-day happiness long term. So is it possible? Has anyone actually changed their base level of happiness long term?
R: 10 / I: 1
>"real wizards don't drink"
Wizards are escapists, I am a wizard, liquor is an escape.
Got a bottle of Bombay Sapphire in the freezer, and a grapefruit. 47% ABV. I genuinely love the taste of gin and hard liquour. Neat.
Wizard Drinking Session
I am throwing a wizard drinking session in this thread. Just post whatever is in your head and drink.>"real wizards don't drink"
Wizards are escapists, I am a wizard, liquor is an escape.
Got a bottle of Bombay Sapphire in the freezer, and a grapefruit. 47% ABV. I genuinely love the taste of gin and hard liquour. Neat.
R: 14 / I: 0
I've been an isolated neet since I dropped out of school in the 6th grade. im now 31 and have nothing left in me to continue.
I just wanted to say I hate humanity with a passion to other people who might have had the same life as me. I hope the normie Muggles get taken out by an asteroid soon.
good day, and let the tendies flow.
I hate Eeryone and wish i was dead
Do you feel the same? I want to kill myself everyday, but because I don't have the means to do so in a relatively painless peaceful way, i'm stuck in this nightmare for the long run I guess.I've been an isolated neet since I dropped out of school in the 6th grade. im now 31 and have nothing left in me to continue.
I just wanted to say I hate humanity with a passion to other people who might have had the same life as me. I hope the normie Muggles get taken out by an asteroid soon.
good day, and let the tendies flow.
R: 45 / I: 5
In middle school I was bullied by 75% students of my class.
In high school it was once again 50% of the class.
By bullying I mean being bullied by one person at least 2 times.
Does it mean that potentially 50% of the people of earth are my enemies?
Its quite logical conclusion.
Bullying.
In primary school I was bullied by 50% of the students in my class.In middle school I was bullied by 75% students of my class.
In high school it was once again 50% of the class.
By bullying I mean being bullied by one person at least 2 times.
Does it mean that potentially 50% of the people of earth are my enemies?
Its quite logical conclusion.
R: 4 / I: 0
Does anyone else waste their time in the most inane way possible? Like watching reviews for things you even afford? Reading threads discussing a video game you never played? At this point when I manage to watch a movie or play a singleplayer video game it feels like an accomplishment even though for others that's what they consider wasting time. I have no topics to talk about with anyone. Obviously can't talk about any social experiences with normal people but also can't even talk to geeks because I rarely consume any new media and I also can't talk to intellectuals because I don't read books or visit any cultural events.
Does anyone else waste their time in the most inane way possible? Like watching reviews for things you even afford? Reading threads discussing a video game you never played? At this point when I manage to watch a movie or play a singleplayer video game it feels like an accomplishment even though for others that's what they consider wasting time. I have no topics to talk about with anyone. Obviously can't talk about any social experiences with normal people but also can't even talk to geeks because I rarely consume any new media and I also can't talk to intellectuals because I don't read books or visit any cultural events.
R: 304 / I: 38
Depression Crawl Thread XXI
Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread. R: 15 / I: 1
I will share all my wizard knowledge, thoughts and regrets. Feel free to share.
Wizard drinking session
I will start a drinking session too, taken with some weed, benzos and a weak opiate. Still gets you locked for hours. Don't do it alone my fellow wizard, be part of this moment.I will share all my wizard knowledge, thoughts and regrets. Feel free to share.
R: 37 / I: 6
How many Calvinists believe they are one of the predestined to hell?
There has to be inferior people. Its implied in competition, inequality, hierarchy. Maybe people accept it, because even though there are superiors above them, theres always an inferior below them to shit on and that makes it worth it. I'm the Atlas holding up the whole world on my back, as the most inferior being. The 2nd most inferior man in the world can shit on me and feel a superior man.
Maybe as a NEET, hikki, wizard who has totally dropped out of and withdrawn from society and social interaction none of this should bother me. But even places like Wizchan will trigger me, in reminding me of who I'm that I exist as this person.
I feel like there is no way of dealing with being inferior. Everything you hear, will either try to convince you that you're not really inferior, or give you self-help self-improvement advice on how not to be inferior. We can't all be winners. Some have to be losers. And one has to be the biggest loser in the world. idk I guess suicide is the obvious answer. But its where my inferior character shows itself again. The cowardice, incompetence, klutziness, fear, laziness, sloth, complacency, passivity, hypocrisy all comes out. I'm too embarrassed to even walk into a gun store, without looking like a suspect. I worry about messing up any method involving arts and crafts. I'm so under the thumb of my parents, that its like a 10 year old trying suicide, and just being gone for 1 day will draw their attention. I put it off to tomorrow like every other project of my life.
How do I deal with being inferior?
I feel like there are very few people who consider themselves inferior untermenschen. Even the people who bitch about how oppressed they are. They don't think they are innately inferior, they think just society and various forces unjustly treat them as inferior, when they are not. Even crabs seem to think they are superior in many ways, and its just females primitive attraction to archaic features that holds them down.How many Calvinists believe they are one of the predestined to hell?
There has to be inferior people. Its implied in competition, inequality, hierarchy. Maybe people accept it, because even though there are superiors above them, theres always an inferior below them to shit on and that makes it worth it. I'm the Atlas holding up the whole world on my back, as the most inferior being. The 2nd most inferior man in the world can shit on me and feel a superior man.
Maybe as a NEET, hikki, wizard who has totally dropped out of and withdrawn from society and social interaction none of this should bother me. But even places like Wizchan will trigger me, in reminding me of who I'm that I exist as this person.
I feel like there is no way of dealing with being inferior. Everything you hear, will either try to convince you that you're not really inferior, or give you self-help self-improvement advice on how not to be inferior. We can't all be winners. Some have to be losers. And one has to be the biggest loser in the world. idk I guess suicide is the obvious answer. But its where my inferior character shows itself again. The cowardice, incompetence, klutziness, fear, laziness, sloth, complacency, passivity, hypocrisy all comes out. I'm too embarrassed to even walk into a gun store, without looking like a suspect. I worry about messing up any method involving arts and crafts. I'm so under the thumb of my parents, that its like a 10 year old trying suicide, and just being gone for 1 day will draw their attention. I put it off to tomorrow like every other project of my life.
R: 1 / I: 1
figure that this is only one of the few places I can express myself fully.
So, I've been irrational fear over losing my sanity over the 2 years. My particular
fear is the fear of getting schizophrenia or at least so getting psychosis. My grandmother
has schizophrenia, and I fear of getting that mental disease. Every time I see flashes
of light, my mind plays tricks on me and I have these thoughts like "Well here it goes you
have schizophrenia you are already hallucinating" even though I do know that it's just
flashes of light due to eye floaters. It does not help the fact that I have mild HPPD, and my experiences with
psychedelics fuels this train of thought because the episodes of schizophrenia/psychosis
almost sound on par with the experiences I had with those drugs. It has got to the point where I get panic attacks if I ever feel spaced out. I avoid caffeine, alcohol, basically any substance, and
I avoid becoming sleep deprived all because I fear of being under a different state of consciousness.
The reason why my past experiences with psychedelics fuels these trains of thoughts is because
I do know how it feels like to lose your sanity while under the influence. For example, in late 2017, I almost lost my sanity due to taking too much LSD. When I read stories of schizophrenics
who think they're Jesus Christ, or some godly figure, my mind goes into panic mode because it sounds vague but almost on par with the experiences I had on psychedelics.
I had a bad trip on mushrooms last year in early 2018 and I really thought I had developed schizophrenia. Nothing particular happened
but it didn't feel good hallucinating all these monsters under that trip. The ideas you get from
psychedelics like solipsism scare me, and every time I have these thoughts of solipsism, or thoughts where
I have these "what if" questions concerning self harm like what if I take my own eye out? I think that it is psychosis creeping up on me. I never plan on taking
action on these thoughts, but just having these thoughts scare me because what if I lose my mind and I actually do act on them unconsciously? Like that one video of a schizophrenic who
pulled his eye out on camera? Often times I feel it's my mind betraying me and these thoughts are nothing more than noise.
Also, there goes the fact that I spent too much time reading up too much conspiracy theories and browsing crab sites within the last couple of years. I won't name them because I don't want this thread to become derailed, but I learned once you start reading these conspiracy theories, it takes a toll on your ability to be peaceful with your mind, and constantly becoming skeptical only
makes one become too irrational at times. What if I'm feeling isn't real? What if this is all a dream? Do I really exist? these kinds of questions come up to mind. I can't really focus
on going out either, because every time I'm with my family I just feel like nothing is real at all. I feel spaced out at times. I can't stand looking at movies or stills of pictures because I think that something contradictory is going to happen that will "prove" that I have schizophrenia i.e Can't look at a photo of a man with eyes looking straight at the camera because I think it will move or try to talk to me thus proving I'm schizophrenic
I've had a panic attack so bad last 4 months that I went to the ER. I was told I was probably developing GAD but I should be fine, but I was already diagnosed with GAD
at the age of 15 and at the age of 18, so I didn't take the doctors seriously.
It does not help that I've been NEET since 2016 and I read up upon how miserable NEETs become both mentally and physically.
I went to the NEET subreddit one time and read stories of redditors becoming mentally ill simply because they went NEET and it messed me up for a bit, but
people on reddit tend to exaggerate a lot. But I think it's time
to pull the plug on the NEET lifestyle as well because I think it's a contributing factor. I've been feeling in a dreamy state, and I can't tell
the difference between March and November anymore because my perception of time has become warped thanks to the NEETstyle. I've been listening to positive affirmation audiobooks to distract myself but I'm only slowly seeing changes.
Do any of you wizards have any idea how to combat with this? I don't feel mentally healthy, and I already set up an appointment with a therapist.
It seems counterproductive to ask someone on wizchan, but there seems to be veterans in their 30s+ who I imagined have went through this.
Sorry for the giant wall of text, I just needed to leave this out of my system.
Anxiety over losing my sanity
I finally came back to wizchan after going on an image board detox because I'dfigure that this is only one of the few places I can express myself fully.
So, I've been irrational fear over losing my sanity over the 2 years. My particular
fear is the fear of getting schizophrenia or at least so getting psychosis. My grandmother
has schizophrenia, and I fear of getting that mental disease. Every time I see flashes
of light, my mind plays tricks on me and I have these thoughts like "Well here it goes you
have schizophrenia you are already hallucinating" even though I do know that it's just
flashes of light due to eye floaters. It does not help the fact that I have mild HPPD, and my experiences with
psychedelics fuels this train of thought because the episodes of schizophrenia/psychosis
almost sound on par with the experiences I had with those drugs. It has got to the point where I get panic attacks if I ever feel spaced out. I avoid caffeine, alcohol, basically any substance, and
I avoid becoming sleep deprived all because I fear of being under a different state of consciousness.
The reason why my past experiences with psychedelics fuels these trains of thoughts is because
I do know how it feels like to lose your sanity while under the influence. For example, in late 2017, I almost lost my sanity due to taking too much LSD. When I read stories of schizophrenics
who think they're Jesus Christ, or some godly figure, my mind goes into panic mode because it sounds vague but almost on par with the experiences I had on psychedelics.
I had a bad trip on mushrooms last year in early 2018 and I really thought I had developed schizophrenia. Nothing particular happened
but it didn't feel good hallucinating all these monsters under that trip. The ideas you get from
psychedelics like solipsism scare me, and every time I have these thoughts of solipsism, or thoughts where
I have these "what if" questions concerning self harm like what if I take my own eye out? I think that it is psychosis creeping up on me. I never plan on taking
action on these thoughts, but just having these thoughts scare me because what if I lose my mind and I actually do act on them unconsciously? Like that one video of a schizophrenic who
pulled his eye out on camera? Often times I feel it's my mind betraying me and these thoughts are nothing more than noise.
Also, there goes the fact that I spent too much time reading up too much conspiracy theories and browsing crab sites within the last couple of years. I won't name them because I don't want this thread to become derailed, but I learned once you start reading these conspiracy theories, it takes a toll on your ability to be peaceful with your mind, and constantly becoming skeptical only
makes one become too irrational at times. What if I'm feeling isn't real? What if this is all a dream? Do I really exist? these kinds of questions come up to mind. I can't really focus
on going out either, because every time I'm with my family I just feel like nothing is real at all. I feel spaced out at times. I can't stand looking at movies or stills of pictures because I think that something contradictory is going to happen that will "prove" that I have schizophrenia i.e Can't look at a photo of a man with eyes looking straight at the camera because I think it will move or try to talk to me thus proving I'm schizophrenic
I've had a panic attack so bad last 4 months that I went to the ER. I was told I was probably developing GAD but I should be fine, but I was already diagnosed with GAD
at the age of 15 and at the age of 18, so I didn't take the doctors seriously.
It does not help that I've been NEET since 2016 and I read up upon how miserable NEETs become both mentally and physically.
I went to the NEET subreddit one time and read stories of redditors becoming mentally ill simply because they went NEET and it messed me up for a bit, but
people on reddit tend to exaggerate a lot. But I think it's time
to pull the plug on the NEET lifestyle as well because I think it's a contributing factor. I've been feeling in a dreamy state, and I can't tell
the difference between March and November anymore because my perception of time has become warped thanks to the NEETstyle. I've been listening to positive affirmation audiobooks to distract myself but I'm only slowly seeing changes.
Do any of you wizards have any idea how to combat with this? I don't feel mentally healthy, and I already set up an appointment with a therapist.
It seems counterproductive to ask someone on wizchan, but there seems to be veterans in their 30s+ who I imagined have went through this.
Sorry for the giant wall of text, I just needed to leave this out of my system.
R: 299 / I: 35
Previous thread:
>>195730
Suicide General
The last suicide thread has hit the bump limit.Previous thread:
>>195730
R: 11 / I: 2
Learn to be uncomfortable?
This might sound silly but really is fun something worth pursuing just for itself? Whenever I am faced with an uncomfortable day I keep thinking back on all the fun I had in the past but what was the point of that when I am faced with the inevitable discomfort? How can I enjoy the fun knowing that eventually I will be uncomfortable again? Having fun is basically like a fast forward to discomfort since the fun times go by so fast. The desire for having fun is innate in me so it feels intuitive to pursue it but I wonder if, especially as I am getting older and my health gets worse, it would make more sense to try to focus on learning how to endure and face discomfort. Is that even something you can learn realistically?
R: 2 / I: 0
Recommend me a video game to cure my depression.
Recommend me a video game to cure my depression.
Recommend me a video game to cure my depression.
Recommend me a video game to cure my depression.
R: 17 / I: 3
But the thing is that the comfort zone is killing me, my mom is making me food and I don't have to bother with rent so I have extra money. But as the time goes by, I mentally suffer.
I can't get my shit together in order to move out, I'd most likely get to rent a room and live with some people under one roof. But as long as I have my own room I think it won't be so bad.
I simply don't know how would I function, will I be able to maintain my "good habits" to not feel like shit etc.
I really want to get out of this place. I will soon be 27, already gave up on "normal life" just wanna live in peace with myself. But I can't push myself out there. Has any of you gone through this transition successfully?
Locked in life
For the last few years I want to move out of my parent's house.But the thing is that the comfort zone is killing me, my mom is making me food and I don't have to bother with rent so I have extra money. But as the time goes by, I mentally suffer.
I can't get my shit together in order to move out, I'd most likely get to rent a room and live with some people under one roof. But as long as I have my own room I think it won't be so bad.
I simply don't know how would I function, will I be able to maintain my "good habits" to not feel like shit etc.
I really want to get out of this place. I will soon be 27, already gave up on "normal life" just wanna live in peace with myself. But I can't push myself out there. Has any of you gone through this transition successfully?
R: 8 / I: 1
Makes me wonder what could someone like you do for a living that doesn't constantly put you on the social spot. What carrer option did you take, how's it working for you?
Career options for wizards
On the long run, dealing with people everyday can be stressful to say the least. When i was young i got myself a cozy janitor job that paid terribly but always went well, but it had to get a better paying job after that, stuck in an office environment seems to drain everything out of everyone ,(even the "well-adjusted".Makes me wonder what could someone like you do for a living that doesn't constantly put you on the social spot. What carrer option did you take, how's it working for you?
R: 35 / I: 6
Am I the only one who can't find the willpower to improve?
I've been browsing some depression forums and there even people who sound heavily depressed have tried almost everything to deal with their depression: they tried like all available meds, experimental stuff, drugs, supplements, special diets, meditation, yoga, regular exercise, cbt, all kinds of different methods from self help books…
Meanwhile I tried only 2 different meds so far because I'm too scared of the side effects, have no drive to cook and almost only eat premade food, only managed to keep up any routine for 2 weeks at most and can't get myself to read a 200+ page book.
It's just that putting in any effort feels so painful to me so I default to whatever is the most comfortable in any situtation even if it leads me to a life that gets progressively less comfortable each day. I don't know how to improve since any kind of improvement requires effort.
Am I the only one who can't find the willpower to improve?
I've been browsing some depression forums and there even people who sound heavily depressed have tried almost everything to deal with their depression: they tried like all available meds, experimental stuff, drugs, supplements, special diets, meditation, yoga, regular exercise, cbt, all kinds of different methods from self help books…
Meanwhile I tried only 2 different meds so far because I'm too scared of the side effects, have no drive to cook and almost only eat premade food, only managed to keep up any routine for 2 weeks at most and can't get myself to read a 200+ page book.
It's just that putting in any effort feels so painful to me so I default to whatever is the most comfortable in any situtation even if it leads me to a life that gets progressively less comfortable each day. I don't know how to improve since any kind of improvement requires effort.
R: 0 / I: 0
Been on a drug/alcohol binge since thursday night. Haven't relapsed to hard drugs or stimilants, but I am using more frequently after almost a year of moderation (limiting myself to using only once or twice a month).
So for the last few days, I've been taking hugh doses of tramadol (opiate as much strong as codeine), clonazepam, hard liquor and weed.
My belly stings. I am tired despite having slept a lot/blacking out. Tomorrow I have to go back to forced wagecuck live. I am just doing my laundy and ironing some shirts, contemplating whether I use today too or just abstain today.
25, life only gets worse.
Been on a drug/alcohol binge since thursday night. Haven't relapsed to hard drugs or stimilants, but I am using more frequently after almost a year of moderation (limiting myself to using only once or twice a month).
So for the last few days, I've been taking hugh doses of tramadol (opiate as much strong as codeine), clonazepam, hard liquor and weed.
My belly stings. I am tired despite having slept a lot/blacking out. Tomorrow I have to go back to forced wagecuck live. I am just doing my laundy and ironing some shirts, contemplating whether I use today too or just abstain today.
25, life only gets worse.
R: 25 / I: 3
Normies are evil and fake.
When you re alone face to face with one normie he will most likely act normal, not be rude neither aggresive towards you.
But when that particular normie will be in group of people he will start acting like some animal fighting for domination. He will act stupid, say stupid things and sometimes even be aggresive, nasty.
I hate them. I was always an outcast and I will ever be. I wish I could get neetbux and never get close to normies anymore.
But thats not possible.
If you re different from normies and you are in some place that requires socialization, then you re fucked
Normies are evil and fake.
When you re alone face to face with one normie he will most likely act normal, not be rude neither aggresive towards you.
But when that particular normie will be in group of people he will start acting like some animal fighting for domination. He will act stupid, say stupid things and sometimes even be aggresive, nasty.
I hate them. I was always an outcast and I will ever be. I wish I could get neetbux and never get close to normies anymore.
But thats not possible.
If you re different from normies and you are in some place that requires socialization, then you re fucked
R: 2 / I: 0
i could just fucking give up and live a completely hedonistic life of smoking and playing video games for the remaining years my parents have left and then kill myself
i could just fucking give up and live a completely hedonistic life of smoking and playing video games for the remaining years my parents have left and then kill myself
R: 31 / I: 7
Any wizards balding? Just noticed my hair has thinning lathes all over my head. I've ordered finasteride medication and a hair growth shampoo but I'm not hoping for a miracle. Any others experience the same? Did you fight it or just shave completely? I was hoping to have a long white mane of white hair when older to go with my wiz beard
Any wizards balding? Just noticed my hair has thinning lathes all over my head. I've ordered finasteride medication and a hair growth shampoo but I'm not hoping for a miracle. Any others experience the same? Did you fight it or just shave completely? I was hoping to have a long white mane of white hair when older to go with my wiz beard
R: 11 / I: 0
I still remember being 19 and having inmsonia because I am a fucking wizard and I have to wagecuck. Dad carpools me to work, and one night I couldn't sleep at all and I begged dad to turn down his music I hate, and he just screams me to shut the fuck up, that it was HIS car, that I'll stop being a little bitch when I owned my own car.
My mom brainwashing me into believing everything she said to appease me. I believed fucking Santa was real till fourth grade. That made me an atheist as a young kid. So everyone knew I was an atheist at 10.
That instantly cemented myself as being an outsider, which turned into wizardry.
Crazy shit.
the truth
I hate I can't forgive my parents. I still remember how more than half of my life has been physical, psychological abuse, humilliation, denigration thanks to them.I still remember being 19 and having inmsonia because I am a fucking wizard and I have to wagecuck. Dad carpools me to work, and one night I couldn't sleep at all and I begged dad to turn down his music I hate, and he just screams me to shut the fuck up, that it was HIS car, that I'll stop being a little bitch when I owned my own car.
My mom brainwashing me into believing everything she said to appease me. I believed fucking Santa was real till fourth grade. That made me an atheist as a young kid. So everyone knew I was an atheist at 10.
That instantly cemented myself as being an outsider, which turned into wizardry.
Crazy shit.
R: 26 / I: 2
Pic related
Non Normie Depression Books
Any books that are about depression or suicide that aren't normie tier. I.e Not the protagonist gets better or suicide isn't the answer, Its a wonderful life type shit.Pic related
R: 3 / I: 0
going to amsterdam this summer
i have very bad ocd and depression and have heard smoking pot does wonders for you, like one wiz said he tried it once and all his depression and anxiety went away just then. is it a good idea to go smoke some dope so i can get these intrusive thoughts out of my head?
R: 30 / I: 4
hit the pipe
i regret smoking meth, i did it for a year and the damage it does is not worth the high. its a high that doesnt feel like a high.
R: 40 / I: 6
Do you guys ever wish you were more autistic? Like to the point where you stopped having anxiety and depression and just didn't give a fuck?
I feel like this is a good level of autism:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4Hapmm9YiY
Do you guys ever wish you were more autistic? Like to the point where you stopped having anxiety and depression and just didn't give a fuck?
I feel like this is a good level of autism:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4Hapmm9YiY
R: 0 / I: 0
You know what's something ironic about being a wiz with an alcohol and drug problem, and attemtping at "recovery/sobriety therapy"? 99% you meet are failed or attempted normies that got hooked through their normie friends and failed lovers and I get to savoe the suffering of these normies and feel good about it.
Shit socially sucks though. Imagine being so autistic even former/active drug users realize you're a loner weirdo and people just ignore you or tall to you inba condescending tone.
You know what's something ironic about being a wiz with an alcohol and drug problem, and attemtping at "recovery/sobriety therapy"? 99% you meet are failed or attempted normies that got hooked through their normie friends and failed lovers and I get to savoe the suffering of these normies and feel good about it.
Shit socially sucks though. Imagine being so autistic even former/active drug users realize you're a loner weirdo and people just ignore you or tall to you inba condescending tone.
R: 88 / I: 8
How did you or your parents ruined your life? What did cause your transformation to wizard?
How did you or your parents ruined your life? What did cause your transformation to wizard?
R: 43 / I: 9
So a better question to be asked is "Where will you go when everything is gone?" It's a hyperbolic question but the internet, which I'd argue is the home of many current wizards, is almost completely turfed out at this point.
For now I'm hanging on to the few threads remaining across a few sites, but now I have to start thinking of something to replace it.
The End of the Wizards
This is kind of a follow up to the previous thread "The end of the wizards?", I thought about making a direct continuation but there's not much left to be said is there? (Plus teen LARP'ers plague these type of threads).So a better question to be asked is "Where will you go when everything is gone?" It's a hyperbolic question but the internet, which I'd argue is the home of many current wizards, is almost completely turfed out at this point.
For now I'm hanging on to the few threads remaining across a few sites, but now I have to start thinking of something to replace it.
R: 19 / I: 1
tell me what you've been doing lately
three lines or less i don't have the attention span to completely read anything longer even 3 might be a stretch
tell me what you've been doing lately
three lines or less i don't have the attention span to completely read anything longer even 3 might be a stretch
R: 147 / I: 16
Well fuck… it appears that I did not win the Mega Millions jackpot, or anything.
Well fuck… it appears that I did not win the Mega Millions jackpot, or anything.
R: 22 / I: 4
Do you feel apathy towards the traditional metric of human growth and success (allegiance, military service, philanthropy, job, family, children, property, wife, friends)?
Do you frequently question you being here on this planet as a member of this species?
A lot of troubles in my life can be summed up to being incompatible with people. I simply don't "get" things that appear to be intuitive/common knowledge to other people. I don't care about most of things people care about. I don't display the "appropriate" emotions at the "appropriate" opportunities.
Every groid stereotype you can think up, I likely don't fit the mold. It's as if a divine power stuck the spirit of an alien or animal into this fleshy body to observe how'd it turn out to have opposing elements exist together, because they were bored.
Now, let's return to the original question: do you feel like an alien stranded on Earth? Please elaborate.
Stranded on Earth
Do you feel like you simply are not meant to be here on Earth?Do you feel apathy towards the traditional metric of human growth and success (allegiance, military service, philanthropy, job, family, children, property, wife, friends)?
Do you frequently question you being here on this planet as a member of this species?
A lot of troubles in my life can be summed up to being incompatible with people. I simply don't "get" things that appear to be intuitive/common knowledge to other people. I don't care about most of things people care about. I don't display the "appropriate" emotions at the "appropriate" opportunities.
Every groid stereotype you can think up, I likely don't fit the mold. It's as if a divine power stuck the spirit of an alien or animal into this fleshy body to observe how'd it turn out to have opposing elements exist together, because they were bored.
Now, let's return to the original question: do you feel like an alien stranded on Earth? Please elaborate.
R: 2 / I: 0
in highschool i was an outcast, bullied, abusive home and failed academics so i took all my stress lifting weights, i grew out of it and after highschool i got into drugs and became homeless. later i got a job in construction but quit after a month. I thought after highschool life would get better but boy was i wrong.
in highschool i was an outcast, bullied, abusive home and failed academics so i took all my stress lifting weights, i grew out of it and after highschool i got into drugs and became homeless. later i got a job in construction but quit after a month. I thought after highschool life would get better but boy was i wrong.
R: 11 / I: 0
what do you look like
i am facially.deformed from a fire accident from a child which i attribute my wizardry, what about you
R: 2 / I: 1
I'm so tired of just being a consumer but every time I get excited about the prospect of creating something I feel despair over how long it takes to get to that point. At least 2 years of daily exercise before you can make something decent and then depending on what you create it could take weeks or months or more to just make one thing. How do others find the patience to endure all this effort for a reward that is so far away?
Patience
How do you develop patience?I'm so tired of just being a consumer but every time I get excited about the prospect of creating something I feel despair over how long it takes to get to that point. At least 2 years of daily exercise before you can make something decent and then depending on what you create it could take weeks or months or more to just make one thing. How do others find the patience to endure all this effort for a reward that is so far away?
R: 10 / I: 0
what to do when you are on the verge of suiciding but can't afford to visit a psychiatrist
what to do when you are on the verge of suiciding but can't afford to visit a psychiatrist
R: 12 / I: 1
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attention_deficit_hyperactivity_disorder_predominantly_inattentive#DSM-5_criteria
ADD
Does anyone here have experience with attention deficit disorder as an adult? I have read the symptoms catalog and it seems like I fit in the category. But I don't have the hyperactivity as I'm much more dreamy and forgetful. I especially refer to ADHD-PIhttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attention_deficit_hyperactivity_disorder_predominantly_inattentive#DSM-5_criteria
R: 10 / I: 2
Successful and failed organisms
Have you ever considered by what process we become what we are, that is to say, failed organisms? A successful organism from a purely biological perspective, is one which reproduces itself many times. That's not to say there's any real value in that, there isn't; but there is evolutionary utility. How does a 90 iq street thug produce many offspring between prison incarcerations, and a 120 iq wizard produces none with all of his free time. Whether by choice or by chance, by mistake or fortune, it is interesting to think about. R: 22 / I: 3
I don’t know how common autism is amongst wizards. Because there are many self-proclaimed “crabs” who look down upon autists (ie mentalcels) and people in general just sort of seem to frown upon people with autism. I have aspergers and I have many problems with processing empathy, because people with autism can’t register it the same way NTs do. I would personally consider anyone who doesn’t have autism to be “NT”, even people with more serious disorders like Schizophrenia. Maybe not people with ASPD, since they seem kinda related.
I don’t know how common autism is amongst wizards. Because there are many self-proclaimed “crabs” who look down upon autists (ie mentalcels) and people in general just sort of seem to frown upon people with autism. I have aspergers and I have many problems with processing empathy, because people with autism can’t register it the same way NTs do. I would personally consider anyone who doesn’t have autism to be “NT”, even people with more serious disorders like Schizophrenia. Maybe not people with ASPD, since they seem kinda related.
R: 35 / I: 9
Fuck all this "I want an actual 'skill' I can use/learn", "indulging in escapism isn't what you should be doing", "escapism is bad", blah, blah, norman-tier bullshit I've seen so many idiots on this site endlessly parrot or go on about. In my case, I just want, desperately want, for this sort of stuff to enrapture/occupy me the way it used to and for it to always do so until the day I die. Anhedonia is literally the devil incarnate. Years of this fucking shit now. YEARS. Fuck, I hate this. Fucking hell, I hate this. Why can't you just leave me alone? God damned unending pestilence. Everything else is perfect (has been for years upon years now), but nope. Chronic anhedonia's gotta eventually fuck it all up & ruin everything. Like being in an idyllic garden full of ripe fruit, that end up as ash in one's mouth the moment they take a bite. This is so fucking shit man. Why couldn't humanity have evolved from a species that doesn't suffer from this kind of garbage? Is anhedonia just endemic to consciousness itself, or just shit eating apes specifically? Sometimes I fucking wonder. Because you know what, yeah. By rights, I should be able to just get drunk on vidya, or whatever else, 24/7. Why the fuck shouldn't I? Anhedonia, that's why. It's not fucking fair, man. I just want to actually enjoy what I'm doing, like I used to. Is that so much to ask? These days, it's like fucking pulling teeth to do this shit! A constant fucking struggle! What the hell? WHY? I swear to fuck, I'd even give up my sizable NEETbux if it meant I never had to suffer from this kind of debilitating joylessness ever again. I wish I could just somehow choke the life out of this fucking demon. Anhedonia literally makes a mockery of my entire existence.
Drugs & alcohol are not an option for me. So for all you wizzies out there quick to suggest, "Durrrr, juz get drunk & smoke dat weed, lol", please keep it to yourself. The only sort of "advice" I could possibly expect to get at this point, even from Wizchan. Either that, or norman-like finger-wagging & condemnation from those cretins I mentioned earlier who jack themselves off to Jordan Peterson at night, or whomever the hell else who epitomizes the sort of flagrant bullshit they spew. You know how sad that is? Just fucking kill me. There's the real answer.
I ain't a big fan of Tool, but that song of theirs 'sober', just fucking nails this shit so hard. The strong emphasis on the WHY in, "Why, can't we not be sober?, or the WHY in, "Why, can't we sleep forever?", is fucking carnally perfect. "I just want to start this over". Ain't that the fucking impossible to realize truth.
Anhedonia. What has been your experience with it?
Another shitty anhedonic riddled day to get through. Great. One of my most sincere wishes, and perhaps, hilariously enough, I'm alone in feeling this way even on Wizchan, but I really fucking wish I could just enjoy getting lost in modern entertainment again, specifically video games.Fuck all this "I want an actual 'skill' I can use/learn", "indulging in escapism isn't what you should be doing", "escapism is bad", blah, blah, norman-tier bullshit I've seen so many idiots on this site endlessly parrot or go on about. In my case, I just want, desperately want, for this sort of stuff to enrapture/occupy me the way it used to and for it to always do so until the day I die. Anhedonia is literally the devil incarnate. Years of this fucking shit now. YEARS. Fuck, I hate this. Fucking hell, I hate this. Why can't you just leave me alone? God damned unending pestilence. Everything else is perfect (has been for years upon years now), but nope. Chronic anhedonia's gotta eventually fuck it all up & ruin everything. Like being in an idyllic garden full of ripe fruit, that end up as ash in one's mouth the moment they take a bite. This is so fucking shit man. Why couldn't humanity have evolved from a species that doesn't suffer from this kind of garbage? Is anhedonia just endemic to consciousness itself, or just shit eating apes specifically? Sometimes I fucking wonder. Because you know what, yeah. By rights, I should be able to just get drunk on vidya, or whatever else, 24/7. Why the fuck shouldn't I? Anhedonia, that's why. It's not fucking fair, man. I just want to actually enjoy what I'm doing, like I used to. Is that so much to ask? These days, it's like fucking pulling teeth to do this shit! A constant fucking struggle! What the hell? WHY? I swear to fuck, I'd even give up my sizable NEETbux if it meant I never had to suffer from this kind of debilitating joylessness ever again. I wish I could just somehow choke the life out of this fucking demon. Anhedonia literally makes a mockery of my entire existence.
Drugs & alcohol are not an option for me. So for all you wizzies out there quick to suggest, "Durrrr, juz get drunk & smoke dat weed, lol", please keep it to yourself. The only sort of "advice" I could possibly expect to get at this point, even from Wizchan. Either that, or norman-like finger-wagging & condemnation from those cretins I mentioned earlier who jack themselves off to Jordan Peterson at night, or whomever the hell else who epitomizes the sort of flagrant bullshit they spew. You know how sad that is? Just fucking kill me. There's the real answer.
I ain't a big fan of Tool, but that song of theirs 'sober', just fucking nails this shit so hard. The strong emphasis on the WHY in, "Why, can't we not be sober?, or the WHY in, "Why, can't we sleep forever?", is fucking carnally perfect. "I just want to start this over". Ain't that the fucking impossible to realize truth.
R: 16 / I: 2
I am smaller than everyone else, somewhat muscular because lifting is my autistic hobbie. Got a very visible skin disease and I am paler, got a buzzcut, got a weird sense of fashion and actually like dressing up despite being reserved. So I very visibly stand in a group of people which is uncomfortable and I am forced to go out and work like a wagecuckand I hate how 90% other people dress.
Wizard autistic appearance
Do you look different?I am smaller than everyone else, somewhat muscular because lifting is my autistic hobbie. Got a very visible skin disease and I am paler, got a buzzcut, got a weird sense of fashion and actually like dressing up despite being reserved. So I very visibly stand in a group of people which is uncomfortable and I am forced to go out and work like a wagecuckand I hate how 90% other people dress.
R: 39 / I: 3
How do I explain to my parents that after 10+ years of social isolation, touch starvation, untreated depression, you know the whole deal … your batteries are not fully charged and you're not ready to take on the world? Because that's what they seem to be thinking.
In their mind, I was fed and housed and didn't have to work for so long that I must be bursting with energy and just not using that energy because being a depressed wreck is so much fun. They are turbo norman in all other aspects, so this does not surprise me, but seriously, is there any way to explain this to them?
How do I explain to my parents that after 10+ years of social isolation, touch starvation, untreated depression, you know the whole deal … your batteries are not fully charged and you're not ready to take on the world? Because that's what they seem to be thinking.
In their mind, I was fed and housed and didn't have to work for so long that I must be bursting with energy and just not using that energy because being a depressed wreck is so much fun. They are turbo norman in all other aspects, so this does not surprise me, but seriously, is there any way to explain this to them?
R: 72 / I: 4
Anyone here legit have brain damage?
I've never got a brain scan to confirm it, but I'm 99 percent sure I do. 10 years ago when I was 16 I was beaten really badly by a white knight. He hit me with a punch off guard and stomped on my head repeatedly. I was able to get up and go home and never saw a doctor, but I was never the same since that day.
I began stuttering even though I never did before that day, my grades tanked, my thinking became scattered, I became less coordinated, I forget words, even common words, very easily, and my typing speed tanked. I remember my goal used to be to be able to consistently type at 100 wpm and I did those online things to test it and I went from consistently being in the 80-90 wpm range all the way down to 35-40. I also remember literally nothing that happened before middle school, but who knows if that's related.
I think about getting a brain scan to confirm my suspicions but I know nothing can be done about it if that's the case, so why bother. Part of my likes to cling to hope that I just have some sort of mental block that I'll magically snap out of.
Anyone here legit have brain damage?
I've never got a brain scan to confirm it, but I'm 99 percent sure I do. 10 years ago when I was 16 I was beaten really badly by a white knight. He hit me with a punch off guard and stomped on my head repeatedly. I was able to get up and go home and never saw a doctor, but I was never the same since that day.
I began stuttering even though I never did before that day, my grades tanked, my thinking became scattered, I became less coordinated, I forget words, even common words, very easily, and my typing speed tanked. I remember my goal used to be to be able to consistently type at 100 wpm and I did those online things to test it and I went from consistently being in the 80-90 wpm range all the way down to 35-40. I also remember literally nothing that happened before middle school, but who knows if that's related.
I think about getting a brain scan to confirm my suspicions but I know nothing can be done about it if that's the case, so why bother. Part of my likes to cling to hope that I just have some sort of mental block that I'll magically snap out of.
R: 5 / I: 0
Things you enjoy.
Things you hate.
Things you don’t care about.
I don’t believe in the power of creation. Things I enjoy already exist so I don’t need to create anything. Simplicity is key.
On the other hand, I do believe in the power of destruction. Things I hate exist and I only wish I could remove them from existence. There is no other way around.
That is why, deep down, we all wish to be a god of destruction.
If we could remove things from existence and get away with it, we would.
Gov and religions make sure to trick people into believing that “it is not an answer” and “it will not make you feel better”.
That is simply a lie to control the beta sheep population into submission.
Remember kids, the meaning of life is to destroy what you hate.
Like in Zen Buddhism, “remove the crooked, all that is left is good”.
Purity is inherently present, hidden behind the ugly.
Destruction is genuinely honest
There are 3 things.Things you enjoy.
Things you hate.
Things you don’t care about.
I don’t believe in the power of creation. Things I enjoy already exist so I don’t need to create anything. Simplicity is key.
On the other hand, I do believe in the power of destruction. Things I hate exist and I only wish I could remove them from existence. There is no other way around.
That is why, deep down, we all wish to be a god of destruction.
If we could remove things from existence and get away with it, we would.
Gov and religions make sure to trick people into believing that “it is not an answer” and “it will not make you feel better”.
That is simply a lie to control the beta sheep population into submission.
Remember kids, the meaning of life is to destroy what you hate.
Like in Zen Buddhism, “remove the crooked, all that is left is good”.
Purity is inherently present, hidden behind the ugly.
R: 2 / I: 0
Everyone around you realize you've grown into an alcoholic/drug addict adult past your 25s. Everyone loathes you. Like "why can't this stupid asshole stop harming himself and everone around him". You know fucking why, you just don't care.
Disgust
You know what's fucked up in this life? Enduring constant physical and psychological abuse from parents. You're an always crying or very reserved wizkid. Other adults see and approve/ignore the abuse. No one says a thing. They get to you in a condescending tone. They still expect normie behaviour from you. You discover relief in alcohol and drug use. Violence and terror lives in your wizkid life. Life goes on. Stopped being hit at 15. "You're suppossed to act normal young fella, be a man about it".Everyone around you realize you've grown into an alcoholic/drug addict adult past your 25s. Everyone loathes you. Like "why can't this stupid asshole stop harming himself and everone around him". You know fucking why, you just don't care.
R: 8 / I: 0
It terrifies me that there are people aware of my existence
All those persons i've interacted with throughtout my life… I'm stuck in their perception
All the embarrasing stuff I've done.. irreversible
i hate the universe
It terrifies me that there are people aware of my existence
All those persons i've interacted with throughtout my life… I'm stuck in their perception
All the embarrasing stuff I've done.. irreversible
i hate the universe
R: 10 / I: 0
How to convince your parents to give up on you
Has anyone here had any success convincing their parents that they're not going to get "better" and become a normalfag? It had seemed like I was getting pretty close, they hadn't mentioned anything for years and just let me rot in peace but then they started trying to get me to be a wageslave again and then when I lost my shit and told them I'm never going to be normal they tried to send me back to the psychiatrist again like that will help. Do I just have to fail enough times to finally crush their spirit or is there a better way? R: 17 / I: 1
I am 25. I've lived through physical abuse, mental disease, psych wards, meds, poverty, severed all ties with family, near death experiences, failed suicide attempts, constant humiliation, you know the drill.
I see everything clear, or I've turned legit crazy and haven't realized:
>life is absurd and meaningless
>social constructs of society don't matter, realizing this I am no longer shackled to them
>only care about my reality, I stop caring about judging or being judged
>realize that I am free to seek transient happiness in the "small things" that I enjoy, until I die
>realize mental illness is like diabetes and that I should take care of myself
With this in mind I feel calm. Or I am having a gigantic delusion and will snap shortly.
what's your wizard insight on this?
Serious post, don't delete. Am I wrong for thinking this way? I need the input of other wizards.I am 25. I've lived through physical abuse, mental disease, psych wards, meds, poverty, severed all ties with family, near death experiences, failed suicide attempts, constant humiliation, you know the drill.
I see everything clear, or I've turned legit crazy and haven't realized:
>life is absurd and meaningless
>social constructs of society don't matter, realizing this I am no longer shackled to them
>only care about my reality, I stop caring about judging or being judged
>realize that I am free to seek transient happiness in the "small things" that I enjoy, until I die
>realize mental illness is like diabetes and that I should take care of myself
With this in mind I feel calm. Or I am having a gigantic delusion and will snap shortly.
R: 29 / I: 1
“The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn.”
“The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn.”
R: 10 / I: 0
I'm a chronic alcohol and drug user, 25. Shy, lonely. Everyone that knows me outside wagecuck know this. Everyone see me pulling myself up together only to fuck, and repeat over and over again.
My forced turbochad normie roomie know this. We were both high but in his room me noticeable higher. I requested to see Bojack Horseman and starting laughing at it. He looked at me "dude it's fuck up you laugh at this shit, this is like your life".
Am I overthinking it?
It will feel awkward living together he knowing I am a freak.
I'm a chronic alcohol and drug user, 25. Shy, lonely. Everyone that knows me outside wagecuck know this. Everyone see me pulling myself up together only to fuck, and repeat over and over again.
My forced turbochad normie roomie know this. We were both high but in his room me noticeable higher. I requested to see Bojack Horseman and starting laughing at it. He looked at me "dude it's fuck up you laugh at this shit, this is like your life".
Am I overthinking it?
It will feel awkward living together he knowing I am a freak.
R: 25 / I: 2
Neets/Hikikimoris are lucky, whether you admit or not
People that are neets/hikis and live with others with no backlash for their lifestyle are really in a comfortable spot. Compare that to me who is living with my parents I'm always scared of leaving my room due to the fear that i'm just gonna get scolded for my "laziness", parents have been on my back for college while I just want a wagie job that pays minimum and live in an apartment, all I need is a bed, some food and internet, my happiness is not fulfilled by consumerism or needless thing because it never makes me happy. I wish that I could be as comfortable to just not have so much pressure on my back, it's so hard living with someone that barely understand you. Anyone with similar experiences? I feel like living a low life is what I deserve, I don't feel grateful for what I have, I feel as this is some deserving punishment, who else owns their own apartment/house, what is it like?
R: 64 / I: 7
27yo
KHHV (haven't had any physical contact with a female in 8 solid years, but at this point I am to depressed to even care.)
My life is currently in shambles, it already started breaking in childhood, despite me trying to prevent it from doing so ever since I was around 13years old.
My childhood was fucked from the get go, mom was extremely lazy and a horder, 90% except my room and bedroom of our 200m2 house until recently (9months ago) have been unlivable. Clothes, rotten food, trash and used female hygiene products everywhere. If i tried to clean up anything she got hysterical and screamed at me/pulled my hair out.
Parents were constantly fighting, about the trash (my father got into tirades every second day but never did anything), about my father cheating (partially my moms paranoia/partially real cheating), her not cooking any food, my dad not giving her enough money (he gave her 2k per month, she spent it all on clothes).
My mom never cooked, when she cooked lunch, it was 3h after i got home from school (4pm) and she just threw some pasta in a pan with cheese (no vegetables no meat, literally just pasta and cheese) or something simmilarl. She stopped cooking altogether when i turned 13, had to cook for myself ever since, in a kitchen, which never got cleaned or had its dishes done. Parents provided me with no knowledge on nutrition and I didn't learn anything about it in school either. I also lived 5 miles from the nearest store with no public transport to get there, so I couldn't even get any groceries etc. Basically was forced to eat the trash my parents fed me. I got to eat a meal that had lean meat in it maybe 1 a month when I was at a friends house, but thats about it.
No friends in high school, constant bullying and physical abuse (got beat up so bad once, that EMTs had to be called and i had to be transported to a hospital). Told teachers, they didn't care, told parents, mother didn't care, father told me it was my mothers problem and threatened to beat me up if I refused to go. Grades dropped because of falling apart mentally, parents punished me by restricting my computer access (at this point the only window to the outside that I still had), teachers constantly targeted me specifically to motivate me to use my bootstraps, which obviously backfired, grades+mental health dropped further. I finally had a breakdown and refused to go back to school, which resulted in my father attacking me. I hid in the bathroom and he broke down the door to attack me.
Yet somehow i managed to complete highschool. But my mental and physical health was in complete shambles at that point. I had hit 250lbs at a height of 6foot and couldn't even leave my room anymore. Yet I still tried to get my shit together and get ahead in life. Lost 70lbs, fixed my nutrition and started studying for college.
I even started college last fall, but instead of attending classes, I had to clean up my mothers trash during the last 9 months, because I just couldn't take living on a trash dump anymore. But no, I wasn't allowed to just throw away the garbage, no, I had to put every used tampon and every piece of trash nicely sorted into boxes and put it into her half of the house (which she now claimed as her own). Yet she would still scream at me hysterically and threaten to call the police on me, if I touched her stuff while I was cleaning up, all this despite the fact, that she previously had given me permission to clean up the other half of the house (even in writing) It should be noted here, that due to complicated circumstances it is impossible for me to move out at the moment, so I bascially was forced to tunnel my way out that way since it was the only option for me to get out of this mess. However, I still had no kitchen or any place where I could eat, since the rooms that I had cleaned of her trash were completely barren beneath the trash. So I had to build my own kitchen from scrapwood due to being financially to depleted to buy one. I just finished building the kitchen, but I am broken to the point where I cant even eat anymore, let alone cook food. Needless to say i failed all my classes, because I spent the last last basically sorting tampons and shit stained clothing, but it was the only way for me to ever live in a place that is not a rat infested landfil.
The reason why I am writing this is, because I have fallen so during the last few weeks, that my agitated depression won't even let me sleep or eat in peace anymore. I am constantly exhausted and in pain, I am haunted by flashbacks. Flashbacks of bullying in highschool, but mostly of my mom screaming at me non stop for the past 9 months while I was crawling around in that stinking heap of trash. I get jumpy at every sound and wake up at 3am with severe anxiety attack, that keep me up all day and night to the point where I am so exhausted, that I don't even know which day it is anymore.
I have spent the past 4 hours trying to get an appointment with a psychiatrist, but none of them were accepting new patients. I called every number in my shitty backwater of a country except our equivalent of 911 and nobody could help me. They all just told me to go straight to a mental health clinic if it was that urgent. But the problem here is, that I have such severe anxiety, that it is impossible for me to go there. It should be noted that I am also not suicidal, just severely depressed, so I cannot just dial 911 and ask for help there.
The breaking point for me was when the last psychiatrist told me "You are a little special aren't you?". Which was after I had asked him to whether he knew somebody that handles urgent cases, since he only had one free 60min session in November, and I was too anxious to go straight to the ER of a psychiatric hospital.
So guys, if somebody has read his, just talk to me, just say something, I am all alone in this world, no friends no "family"….nothing.
Fellow Wizards, you are my last hope, somebody please be out there
First of all my stats:27yo
KHHV (haven't had any physical contact with a female in 8 solid years, but at this point I am to depressed to even care.)
My life is currently in shambles, it already started breaking in childhood, despite me trying to prevent it from doing so ever since I was around 13years old.
My childhood was fucked from the get go, mom was extremely lazy and a horder, 90% except my room and bedroom of our 200m2 house until recently (9months ago) have been unlivable. Clothes, rotten food, trash and used female hygiene products everywhere. If i tried to clean up anything she got hysterical and screamed at me/pulled my hair out.
Parents were constantly fighting, about the trash (my father got into tirades every second day but never did anything), about my father cheating (partially my moms paranoia/partially real cheating), her not cooking any food, my dad not giving her enough money (he gave her 2k per month, she spent it all on clothes).
My mom never cooked, when she cooked lunch, it was 3h after i got home from school (4pm) and she just threw some pasta in a pan with cheese (no vegetables no meat, literally just pasta and cheese) or something simmilarl. She stopped cooking altogether when i turned 13, had to cook for myself ever since, in a kitchen, which never got cleaned or had its dishes done. Parents provided me with no knowledge on nutrition and I didn't learn anything about it in school either. I also lived 5 miles from the nearest store with no public transport to get there, so I couldn't even get any groceries etc. Basically was forced to eat the trash my parents fed me. I got to eat a meal that had lean meat in it maybe 1 a month when I was at a friends house, but thats about it.
No friends in high school, constant bullying and physical abuse (got beat up so bad once, that EMTs had to be called and i had to be transported to a hospital). Told teachers, they didn't care, told parents, mother didn't care, father told me it was my mothers problem and threatened to beat me up if I refused to go. Grades dropped because of falling apart mentally, parents punished me by restricting my computer access (at this point the only window to the outside that I still had), teachers constantly targeted me specifically to motivate me to use my bootstraps, which obviously backfired, grades+mental health dropped further. I finally had a breakdown and refused to go back to school, which resulted in my father attacking me. I hid in the bathroom and he broke down the door to attack me.
Yet somehow i managed to complete highschool. But my mental and physical health was in complete shambles at that point. I had hit 250lbs at a height of 6foot and couldn't even leave my room anymore. Yet I still tried to get my shit together and get ahead in life. Lost 70lbs, fixed my nutrition and started studying for college.
I even started college last fall, but instead of attending classes, I had to clean up my mothers trash during the last 9 months, because I just couldn't take living on a trash dump anymore. But no, I wasn't allowed to just throw away the garbage, no, I had to put every used tampon and every piece of trash nicely sorted into boxes and put it into her half of the house (which she now claimed as her own). Yet she would still scream at me hysterically and threaten to call the police on me, if I touched her stuff while I was cleaning up, all this despite the fact, that she previously had given me permission to clean up the other half of the house (even in writing) It should be noted here, that due to complicated circumstances it is impossible for me to move out at the moment, so I bascially was forced to tunnel my way out that way since it was the only option for me to get out of this mess. However, I still had no kitchen or any place where I could eat, since the rooms that I had cleaned of her trash were completely barren beneath the trash. So I had to build my own kitchen from scrapwood due to being financially to depleted to buy one. I just finished building the kitchen, but I am broken to the point where I cant even eat anymore, let alone cook food. Needless to say i failed all my classes, because I spent the last last basically sorting tampons and shit stained clothing, but it was the only way for me to ever live in a place that is not a rat infested landfil.
The reason why I am writing this is, because I have fallen so during the last few weeks, that my agitated depression won't even let me sleep or eat in peace anymore. I am constantly exhausted and in pain, I am haunted by flashbacks. Flashbacks of bullying in highschool, but mostly of my mom screaming at me non stop for the past 9 months while I was crawling around in that stinking heap of trash. I get jumpy at every sound and wake up at 3am with severe anxiety attack, that keep me up all day and night to the point where I am so exhausted, that I don't even know which day it is anymore.
I have spent the past 4 hours trying to get an appointment with a psychiatrist, but none of them were accepting new patients. I called every number in my shitty backwater of a country except our equivalent of 911 and nobody could help me. They all just told me to go straight to a mental health clinic if it was that urgent. But the problem here is, that I have such severe anxiety, that it is impossible for me to go there. It should be noted that I am also not suicidal, just severely depressed, so I cannot just dial 911 and ask for help there.
The breaking point for me was when the last psychiatrist told me "You are a little special aren't you?". Which was after I had asked him to whether he knew somebody that handles urgent cases, since he only had one free 60min session in November, and I was too anxious to go straight to the ER of a psychiatric hospital.
So guys, if somebody has read his, just talk to me, just say something, I am all alone in this world, no friends no "family"….nothing.
R: 11 / I: 0
>decide to start exercising
>start with the "plank" since I figure I first need to strengthen my core
>knees, lower back and shoulders start hurting before my muscles get tired
The ride never ends
>decide to start exercising
>start with the "plank" since I figure I first need to strengthen my core
>knees, lower back and shoulders start hurting before my muscles get tired
The ride never ends
R: 181 / I: 36
My beauty standard for myself is something like an older Tadzio from the 1971 Death in Venice movie, a beautiful, androgynous young man, with a godly face and a slim and pale body.
Instead I was cursed with an average face, a big nose and acne as well as bacne, which is a death sentence for a vain, looks obsessed guy like myself. Despite knowing that beauty fades and means nothing in the end, I feel hatred and jealousy towards every handsome man I see, especially those who come close to my own ideals.
How is life for other average or below average looking wizards going, especially those who are vain and very appearance-oriented like myself? What impact does the feeling of never being good looking have on you? Does it bother you or have you made peace with it? How do you cope?
Beauty, Vanity and unreachable Beauty Standards
Ugly anons, tell me about the impossible beauty standards you wish you could fulfill, how you wish you could look like and why, what you would do with your life if you managed to look like your ideal selves.My beauty standard for myself is something like an older Tadzio from the 1971 Death in Venice movie, a beautiful, androgynous young man, with a godly face and a slim and pale body.
Instead I was cursed with an average face, a big nose and acne as well as bacne, which is a death sentence for a vain, looks obsessed guy like myself. Despite knowing that beauty fades and means nothing in the end, I feel hatred and jealousy towards every handsome man I see, especially those who come close to my own ideals.
How is life for other average or below average looking wizards going, especially those who are vain and very appearance-oriented like myself? What impact does the feeling of never being good looking have on you? Does it bother you or have you made peace with it? How do you cope?
R: 23 / I: 0
Were any of you ever spanked as children? Do you think it influenced you becoming depressed?
Were any of you ever spanked as children? Do you think it influenced you becoming depressed?
R: 19 / I: 3
The day mom died, what should I do if I do not have the courage to commit suicide?
i would have to find work and reintegrate society? That will be the real end? Is there a method to maintain the hikikomori lifestyle?
The day mom died, what should I do if I do not have the courage to commit suicide?
i would have to find work and reintegrate society? That will be the real end? Is there a method to maintain the hikikomori lifestyle?
R: 42 / I: 2
Happy 18th birthday wizzie yeah I know.
Life after death
Does anybody know of or experienced being dead for a short time and came back alive? Did you see anything or feel anything? I’d really like to know because it creeps me out.Happy 18th birthday wizzie yeah I know.
R: 71 / I: 9
i used to write 100 posts a day sometimes on various chans. as time went on, i got more and more cynical and hated people so much i wanted to lessen my interaction with them. the first signs of this were when I'd subconsciously stop writing helpful, kind posts with good grammar, and began writing half-assed shitposts instead. now people accuse me of being a phoneposter but i don't even own a phone, i actually just don't give a fuck.
the few posts i do write now (about a dozen a week) get very few/no replies, even the ones i work relatively hard on or think are funny or want people's opinions on. this is like confirmation to me i shouldn't bother.
i had more to say but i lost motivation around half way through writing this. im just gonna post what i have even though it's unfinished.
no point in posting
anybody else fail to see the point in posting anything anymore?i used to write 100 posts a day sometimes on various chans. as time went on, i got more and more cynical and hated people so much i wanted to lessen my interaction with them. the first signs of this were when I'd subconsciously stop writing helpful, kind posts with good grammar, and began writing half-assed shitposts instead. now people accuse me of being a phoneposter but i don't even own a phone, i actually just don't give a fuck.
the few posts i do write now (about a dozen a week) get very few/no replies, even the ones i work relatively hard on or think are funny or want people's opinions on. this is like confirmation to me i shouldn't bother.
i had more to say but i lost motivation around half way through writing this. im just gonna post what i have even though it's unfinished.
R: 2 / I: 0
/proxy/ thread
who here knows they're not real anymore? how do you come back without the curse totally leaving? do I need stimulant drugs? how do I stop being blamed for things other people have said and done and been responsible for? I think that's why it's happening.
/proxy/ thread
who here knows they're not real anymore? how do you come back without the curse totally leaving? do I need stimulant drugs? how do I stop being blamed for things other people have said and done and been responsible for? I think that's why it's happening.
R: 12 / I: 0
Recently I discovered that the only friend I had has been lying about everything to the point where the person they presented themselves as to me is mostly fictional, my whole family has npd and has been lying and gaslighting me my whole life and most other people I meet in public or had met in school always ignored me or treated me different, as if they put on a mask only when interacting with me. It seems as if this is done collectively by countless people everywhere, as if the whole world is conspiring against a select few such as me. Does anyone else expirience this? It makes me question how real the world I live in is, it seems as if everything was scripted and planned out. pic related. Does anyone else feel this way?
Recently I discovered that the only friend I had has been lying about everything to the point where the person they presented themselves as to me is mostly fictional, my whole family has npd and has been lying and gaslighting me my whole life and most other people I meet in public or had met in school always ignored me or treated me different, as if they put on a mask only when interacting with me. It seems as if this is done collectively by countless people everywhere, as if the whole world is conspiring against a select few such as me. Does anyone else expirience this? It makes me question how real the world I live in is, it seems as if everything was scripted and planned out. pic related. Does anyone else feel this way?
R: 3 / I: 1
I bought a lockable doorknob and made a copy of the key it came with for my mother at her request. Supposedly for emergencies, if I was ever locked out.
When I finally was locked out, she would not produce a key. She always keeps her keys out on display near the front door for her live-in boyfriend to grab. The most logical explanation to me is that he took them, because he has little respect for boundaries, and acts out maliciously towards me to assert his dominance.
She of course, won't accept this, and gives him the benefit of the doubt, and assumes they just fell off or something. I remember putting them on securely.
This morning, I was accused by this boyfriend of 'hiding' my keys in my room. I have a copy of the mail key and he feels he is somehow owed access to the mailbox whenever he likes, even though I pay rent and he doesn't, he gets mail here.
I know this was malicious because mail isn't even delivered on Sundays. I said as much but he said he wanted to check it anyway, even though I had checked it TWICE the previous day.
I brought my key down for him to use to just try and make it pass… and he just takes it and DRIVES OFF WITH IT. Those are keys I need to be able to leave the house… to lock the front door, to lock my room…
He came back something like an hour later but hasn't replaced the keys by the door yet. I looked below and they had not fallen off.
I simple seethe with anger because I refuse to start a public fight. I know my mom must get horny for this kind of drama and it makes me sick. But eventually I'm going to snap. I shoved the fridge after he left and I noticed he had taken the keys… I will feel an urge to break things again and again, and I have been giving into that urge over and over.
I hate how he just plays nice, talks chipper, meanwhile having secretly acted out against me and not telling my mom he did that.
I don't consider my room secure anymore. Already I suspected that he took the key, and now he was gone long enough to go make a copy of my keys.
I need to buy a completely new doorknob now, and this time I will have the only copy of the key, and we'll see how my mom responds to that. If she decides to evict me or to have my door broken down, I might snap too.
Something similar happened 2 weeks ago. This guy doesn't respect boundaries, he keeps bringing more and more of his stuff into the house without asking, expanding into other people's areas, moving our stuff out of the way to make room for his…
If you push back in the slightest way, he just acts out even more. He takes up 3/4 of our PVR space and never deletes ANYTHING he's watched. I know he's completed lots of stuff, I hear him replaying the same episodes very loudly. He's so fucking LOUD. His TV is 2 rooms away and I can hear it louder than my own programs. He stomps around, slams doors…
He confronted me because I finally had enough and deleted some ancient shit he's had for years on the PVR, so he maliciously deleted 10x as much of my stuff without telling me, after acting reasonable like he was simply politely requesting it be gone.
It's sociopathic… psychopathic… SOMETHING. This is abuse, right? It feels like I can't have this harassment acknowledged unless it's physical, and he always stops short of hitting me (though I consider noise physical) but I know he's trying to drive me to it so that he can "defend himself" and murder me…
Meanwhile I think he will try to poison me, I believe he poisoned our cat… or simply crushed her. He's left our back gate open several times, and the front door open several times, and the dogs nearly ran out onto the street in all these instances. I'm what saved them… now I think he's just trying in subtler ways to get rid of us.
My mom is getting weaker and I feel like conflict will kill her… and just now she knocks on my door inviting me to walk the dogs but I choose not do because I know he will snoop through my shit and I can't even lock me fucking door to get some godddamn privacy…
He just constantly walks into the room while I'm watching TV. He has no right to be there. This morning he chuckled lightly at me while staring at me. Then later he came and just sat down gulping gatorade like some chad faggot…
I want to live alone. I want to give up on this. But I can't afford it. I don't know where I could afford to live. Pricing has gone up and wages have gone down decade after decade in this area because of the mass immigration going on. My country is signing away it's youth's future and we're told it's about pollution but it's actually about immigration. If not for this bleeding heart shit, this asshole could've just died in some gang war in Mexico instead of being adopted here and raised by a family he doesn't deserve. He just wants to exploit his hosts, he's a fucking parasite who ruins families.
theft / gaslighting by cohabitants
Roommates, landlords, family, family's guests? Am I alone? I want to know what others have experienced. To not feel so alone in being victimized like this.I bought a lockable doorknob and made a copy of the key it came with for my mother at her request. Supposedly for emergencies, if I was ever locked out.
When I finally was locked out, she would not produce a key. She always keeps her keys out on display near the front door for her live-in boyfriend to grab. The most logical explanation to me is that he took them, because he has little respect for boundaries, and acts out maliciously towards me to assert his dominance.
She of course, won't accept this, and gives him the benefit of the doubt, and assumes they just fell off or something. I remember putting them on securely.
This morning, I was accused by this boyfriend of 'hiding' my keys in my room. I have a copy of the mail key and he feels he is somehow owed access to the mailbox whenever he likes, even though I pay rent and he doesn't, he gets mail here.
I know this was malicious because mail isn't even delivered on Sundays. I said as much but he said he wanted to check it anyway, even though I had checked it TWICE the previous day.
I brought my key down for him to use to just try and make it pass… and he just takes it and DRIVES OFF WITH IT. Those are keys I need to be able to leave the house… to lock the front door, to lock my room…
He came back something like an hour later but hasn't replaced the keys by the door yet. I looked below and they had not fallen off.
I simple seethe with anger because I refuse to start a public fight. I know my mom must get horny for this kind of drama and it makes me sick. But eventually I'm going to snap. I shoved the fridge after he left and I noticed he had taken the keys… I will feel an urge to break things again and again, and I have been giving into that urge over and over.
I hate how he just plays nice, talks chipper, meanwhile having secretly acted out against me and not telling my mom he did that.
I don't consider my room secure anymore. Already I suspected that he took the key, and now he was gone long enough to go make a copy of my keys.
I need to buy a completely new doorknob now, and this time I will have the only copy of the key, and we'll see how my mom responds to that. If she decides to evict me or to have my door broken down, I might snap too.
Something similar happened 2 weeks ago. This guy doesn't respect boundaries, he keeps bringing more and more of his stuff into the house without asking, expanding into other people's areas, moving our stuff out of the way to make room for his…
If you push back in the slightest way, he just acts out even more. He takes up 3/4 of our PVR space and never deletes ANYTHING he's watched. I know he's completed lots of stuff, I hear him replaying the same episodes very loudly. He's so fucking LOUD. His TV is 2 rooms away and I can hear it louder than my own programs. He stomps around, slams doors…
He confronted me because I finally had enough and deleted some ancient shit he's had for years on the PVR, so he maliciously deleted 10x as much of my stuff without telling me, after acting reasonable like he was simply politely requesting it be gone.
It's sociopathic… psychopathic… SOMETHING. This is abuse, right? It feels like I can't have this harassment acknowledged unless it's physical, and he always stops short of hitting me (though I consider noise physical) but I know he's trying to drive me to it so that he can "defend himself" and murder me…
Meanwhile I think he will try to poison me, I believe he poisoned our cat… or simply crushed her. He's left our back gate open several times, and the front door open several times, and the dogs nearly ran out onto the street in all these instances. I'm what saved them… now I think he's just trying in subtler ways to get rid of us.
My mom is getting weaker and I feel like conflict will kill her… and just now she knocks on my door inviting me to walk the dogs but I choose not do because I know he will snoop through my shit and I can't even lock me fucking door to get some godddamn privacy…
He just constantly walks into the room while I'm watching TV. He has no right to be there. This morning he chuckled lightly at me while staring at me. Then later he came and just sat down gulping gatorade like some chad faggot…
I want to live alone. I want to give up on this. But I can't afford it. I don't know where I could afford to live. Pricing has gone up and wages have gone down decade after decade in this area because of the mass immigration going on. My country is signing away it's youth's future and we're told it's about pollution but it's actually about immigration. If not for this bleeding heart shit, this asshole could've just died in some gang war in Mexico instead of being adopted here and raised by a family he doesn't deserve. He just wants to exploit his hosts, he's a fucking parasite who ruins families.
R: 3 / I: 0
Obsession
How do you stop being obsessed with a person or thing? Obsession and addiction are major sources of depression for me and I need to break my downward spiral.
R: 1 / I: 0
What we need instead is people to explain to depressed people why they're actually depressed without any bullshit. How and why the world is fucking them over in invisible ways that make everything pointless and make them depressed mo matter what they do. In other words, we need demotivational speakers to tell people that it's okay to give up because everything is fucked and it's not their fault. I think this would make people feel better because at least it's not a lie and it doesn't put all the blame for their own unhappiness on themselves.
Demotivational Speaker
I think the world has finally become a fucked up enough place that there needs to be a new type of motivational speaker. The traditional motivational speaker tells you the world is your oyster, you can do anything, you just have to change your outlook and your behavior and thoughts and you will be transformed into a beautiful butterfly. It's basically brainwashing to make people join in on the normie delusions of capitalism where everyone is gonna be a millionaire someday if they just believe hard enough and work hard enough. This is clearly all bullshit. So clearly bullshit in fact that I can't believe it's still a thing.What we need instead is people to explain to depressed people why they're actually depressed without any bullshit. How and why the world is fucking them over in invisible ways that make everything pointless and make them depressed mo matter what they do. In other words, we need demotivational speakers to tell people that it's okay to give up because everything is fucked and it's not their fault. I think this would make people feel better because at least it's not a lie and it doesn't put all the blame for their own unhappiness on themselves.
R: 0 / I: 0
On a thousand islands in the sea
I see a thousand people just like me
A hundred unions in the snow
I watch them walking, falling in a row
We live always underground
It's going to be so quiet in here tonight
A thousand islands in the sea
It's a shame
On a thousand islands in the sea
I see a thousand people just like me
A hundred unions in the snow
I watch them walking, falling in a row
We live always underground
It's going to be so quiet in here tonight
A thousand islands in the sea
It's a shame
R: 302 / I: 65
Akira Yamaoka - Ripe Black Soul: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=44IHB8qSUJ4
Depression Crawl Thread XX
Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.Akira Yamaoka - Ripe Black Soul: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=44IHB8qSUJ4
R: 7 / I: 3
So how do I learn to live with my body for the rest of my days on this Earth, I wake up every morning feeling utterly empty and lack the motivation to move on. I feel like a direct result of constant bullying, I am also the ugliest guy I know, I could pass as an elderly person if j actually tried to LARP.
So how do I learn to live with my body for the rest of my days on this Earth, I wake up every morning feeling utterly empty and lack the motivation to move on. I feel like a direct result of constant bullying, I am also the ugliest guy I know, I could pass as an elderly person if j actually tried to LARP.
R: 109 / I: 6
When I should have been learning and enjoying childhood, I was cleaning around my mom's hoard (hoarder) and trying to cook for myself. If I tried to pile her garbage from the floor she would screech at me for hours that I threw something out (even if I didn't). She would follow me around the house screaming at the top of her lungs, knowing there were no neighbors to witness her behavior. Once some neighbors walked by and saw the hoard, threatening to call CPS. I wish they had. At least once per week since 1st grade my mom would scream that if I didn't go to college, I'd end up like my father. I finally chose to study Computer Science, but she yelled at me for months until her voice gave out to choose Business. When I tried to discuss Marketing she physically attacked me. I was too isolated and brainwashed to go against her. She hadn't even saved for my college, I'm now $20,000 in debt.
As I said, I'm almost 30. There were times I thought of writing a cooking blog, but her hoarder house background was too disgusting for photos. Many times I wanted to learn new skills, and I would actively be learning when she would slam my door open (she cut a hole in it to remove the lock) and scream in my face when there was a bug infestation or other hoarder issue. Despite being a terrible mother, she bragged to everyone that she was amazing. People didn't realize I was quiet not because I was well-behaved, but because I was scared. In college, I spent my vacations cleaning her house without throwing any of her junk out. She would scream at me when she couldn't find something even though she could never find it anyway, but I worried about her pets and cleaning was one of the few things I knew how to do.
After college, she discouraged me from applying for jobs. She didn't want me to leave, and I didn't know what to do. I had some free time due to lack of school/work to study my own interests. After a few years, I became suicidal and after she complained to a counseling group that it was annoying, they called the police. She was kicked out of the group. Two counselors kicked her out (one for her temper tantrums). After seeing that a counseling group and paid counselors couldn't handle her, I began to realize I'm not crazy to resent her. I realized she cared about her own interests ahead of my own, that's why the only jobs she encouraged me in were part-time where I could commute to and from her house so I wouldn't move out.
I feel like I was not only held back in life by her terrible parenting, but also pushed into a bad life path. I am finally forced to acknowledge my situation, age, college debt, and need for some peace. I'm not excited to wage slave, but I am also not ready for suicide. I'm going to teach English abroad. I had a counselor who told me my mom ruined my life due to narcissism and to move to the other side of the world. I have a useless degree and a TESOL certificate, so I'm ready. The only thing is I still feel resentment and sadness. I tried to talk to her about how she treated me, but she pretends nothing happened. If I had decent parents, I believe my life would have been better. As long as I live with her, she will encourage me to make poor decisions and further ruin my life.
>>Does anyone else feels this way here or has a similar backstory?
>>Do you resent your parents?
>>Has anyone overcome the resentment from being poorly-raised and led on a bad path?
Parental Resentment
Even though I'm almost 30, I can't let go of the resentment toward my mom. I tried to read many online posts on forgiveness, but it's difficult. My mom was old and poor (40+, welfare) when she had me with a 40+ year old, short (5'1"), ugly (100% Jew), poor (homeless living in a tent), sociopath (killed small animals for fun, abusive etc). Not only was I screwed genetically, but I grew up poor and isolated in a dysfunctional "home" in the countryside (Would have been nice if not for my mom). My mom became a single mom due to her terrible choice in partner. I wasn't fed proper meals or even taught to brush my hair. I became isolated from peers from a young age. There was no public transportation, I relied on my mom. There was no extended family (they are also crazy though), nobody. I became isolated from my peers early on because I couldn't even discuss tv shows (we didn't have tv) and had holes in my clothing.When I should have been learning and enjoying childhood, I was cleaning around my mom's hoard (hoarder) and trying to cook for myself. If I tried to pile her garbage from the floor she would screech at me for hours that I threw something out (even if I didn't). She would follow me around the house screaming at the top of her lungs, knowing there were no neighbors to witness her behavior. Once some neighbors walked by and saw the hoard, threatening to call CPS. I wish they had. At least once per week since 1st grade my mom would scream that if I didn't go to college, I'd end up like my father. I finally chose to study Computer Science, but she yelled at me for months until her voice gave out to choose Business. When I tried to discuss Marketing she physically attacked me. I was too isolated and brainwashed to go against her. She hadn't even saved for my college, I'm now $20,000 in debt.
As I said, I'm almost 30. There were times I thought of writing a cooking blog, but her hoarder house background was too disgusting for photos. Many times I wanted to learn new skills, and I would actively be learning when she would slam my door open (she cut a hole in it to remove the lock) and scream in my face when there was a bug infestation or other hoarder issue. Despite being a terrible mother, she bragged to everyone that she was amazing. People didn't realize I was quiet not because I was well-behaved, but because I was scared. In college, I spent my vacations cleaning her house without throwing any of her junk out. She would scream at me when she couldn't find something even though she could never find it anyway, but I worried about her pets and cleaning was one of the few things I knew how to do.
After college, she discouraged me from applying for jobs. She didn't want me to leave, and I didn't know what to do. I had some free time due to lack of school/work to study my own interests. After a few years, I became suicidal and after she complained to a counseling group that it was annoying, they called the police. She was kicked out of the group. Two counselors kicked her out (one for her temper tantrums). After seeing that a counseling group and paid counselors couldn't handle her, I began to realize I'm not crazy to resent her. I realized she cared about her own interests ahead of my own, that's why the only jobs she encouraged me in were part-time where I could commute to and from her house so I wouldn't move out.
I feel like I was not only held back in life by her terrible parenting, but also pushed into a bad life path. I am finally forced to acknowledge my situation, age, college debt, and need for some peace. I'm not excited to wage slave, but I am also not ready for suicide. I'm going to teach English abroad. I had a counselor who told me my mom ruined my life due to narcissism and to move to the other side of the world. I have a useless degree and a TESOL certificate, so I'm ready. The only thing is I still feel resentment and sadness. I tried to talk to her about how she treated me, but she pretends nothing happened. If I had decent parents, I believe my life would have been better. As long as I live with her, she will encourage me to make poor decisions and further ruin my life.
>>Does anyone else feels this way here or has a similar backstory?
>>Do you resent your parents?
>>Has anyone overcome the resentment from being poorly-raised and led on a bad path?