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/dep/ - Depression

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R: 68 / I: 1

Losing Hope

I think this may be the end of the road for me.

Back in high school, I had so much potential:
>Maintained a 95+ average throughout high school. Finished with a 95 average in final year.
>Won numerous academic awards.
>Had decent extracurriculars.

I could have gone to pretty much any Canadian university for anything I wanted (yes, I'm a leaf).

Then, I made one mistake and everything went to shit. I chose to pursue the wrong major (biomedical engineering) at a mediocre university.

Fast forward to first year:
>School online because of Covid. Motivation for school practically non-existent.
>Dad becomes disabled. Family's finances go to shit.
>Dad and mom start hating each other. Toxic home makes me care about school even less.
>Parents decide to divorce.
>Finish first year with a 68 average. Drop several classes.

For whatever reason, become filled with determination over the summer. Learn material I couldn't be assed to learn during the year. Decide to get better grades in second year and transfer into electrical or mechanical engineering at UWO, McMaster, or Queen's.

Fast forward to second year:
>Taking bullshit but easy classes + classes I dropped.
>Need to get incredibly high grades this year or I'm fucked.
>Hate taking bullshit classes. Humiliated and depressed.
>Stupid professors try to make their bullshit classes harder than they have any right to be.
>Doing well so far, thankfully.

I have finally realized the gravity of my situation. I may well end up having to take bullshit classes for years before I can transfer. I don't have the finances for that. And even if I successfully transfer I'll graduate years behind my peers. Plus, how much stuff will I forget by the time I transfer? Basically, I'm in academic limbo now. Becoming a NEET isn't even an option. My parents are poor now because of my dad's disability and they're selling the house because of the planned divorce.

School is the only thing I care about. I never really had a life outside of school. And now, because of one mistake, I may not even graduate.
R: 4 / I: 1

Where is elsewhere?

Where is elsewhere? Where can we go or do to finally be happy? Is there truly nothing on this hellish rock?
R: 5 / I: 0

Bad luck

Does anyone think they have bad luck?

I think I suffer from a curse and that almost everyone else especially succubi have much better luck than I have.

Whenever I don't want something to happen to me it always does, meanwhile other people always get carried by luck.

Whenever I watch fights in the streets online, succubi never get hit and when they do it's nothing compared to men like in this video for example:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=031kd7SLjIo

Why? Why was he the one getting KO'd and not her?

Do you think bad luck and curses exist?

Why are succubi so lucky? They get bullied much less, they almost never get touched and they don't even seem to have problems with other succubi.
R: 176 / I: 21

Wageslave General

Another day, another edition
‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎
Previous Thread: >>243829
R: 8 / I: 1
Say you have:
>sufficient for comfort but not domination money, perhaps ~$10M
>the ability to have a biological child via surrogate that would get dropped off with you after birth
>guaranteed no genetic defect in the child, e.g. if you’re autistic and consider it a defect, the child wouldn’t be
>the ability to raise the child in an “ideal” environment, whatever that means to you — if it would require a mother you could hire one a la Truman show and it would go off without a hitch
Would having a kid be “worth it” to you? In theory you could basically give them a charmed life ramping up into joining the societal elite, but I would think that that wouldn’t even be a source of pride — Musk’s/Bezos’/[insert whoever you see as the elite here]’s parents seem more vaguely jealous and resentful than proud, and I’ve seen the same even with mildly successful acquaintances’ lower class parents. It seems like once the kid is an adult they’re no longer yours, and you don’t get much out of their accomplishments.
One could in theory do that stereotype of giving the next generation a nice setup to somehow “undo” or compensate for one’s own shit life, but in practice it doesn’t seem to work and is as fruitless a waste of a life as any other.
R: 44 / I: 3

Prison?

Why do I want to go to prison? I'm an autistic neet with OCD. The idea of excessive structure really appeals to me. I also want to meet someone who will take me under their wing and teach me to be hard. I'm 5'7 and 255 pounds. I think I would do well in prison. Why do I want this? What mental illness do I have?
R: 103 / I: 12

End of the Wizards: Outside Looking In

The gatekeepers are dead and we're staring down the barrel.

BUT wizards, outcasts, outsiders, those who now merely exist, we've been afforded a unique priviledge; namely front row seats to, I wouldn't call it a collapse, but a continuing and steady acceleration of the degradation of the human. I'm sure a societal collapse is not too far off; I read somewhere it rained for the first time in recorded history somewhere in the arctic circle, barely made a blip on the news radar.
R: 38 / I: 1

sleep deprivation

Has anyone else gone long periods on inadequate sleep? I'd imagine this board is full of insomniac wizzes. My story:
>November 2019
>do Nofap for fun
>get job
>have to get up at 5:30
>go to bed at 11
>almost fall asleep standing up at work several times
>job finally moves closer as planned
>wake up at 6 now
>go to bed at 1130
>turns into midnight
>hate job more and more every day
>realize it's over
>strat drinking coffee to stop falling asleep at work
>around June 2020 I am hiking in woods when I realize that I don't feel real
>feel like I am watching movie
>I've been sleeping 5-1/2 hours a night for around 5 or 6 months now
>keep doing it anyway
>dissociate at work, floursecent lights and hissing air in manufacturing shithole doesn't help
>balls and dick shrink
>creative drive drains away
>notebook I wrote ideas in stops filling up
>no longer interested in many things
>literally feel like I'm watching a movie
>this continues
>no longer feel any connection to nature
>barely enjoy music anymore
>literally feels like my soul is dead
Is there any coming back or is the damage permanent? I hate my life hate my job hate my entire existence. Thinking of going NEET once my car dies. I'm 27 though so I'm sure my parents will kick me out soon. I hate my schedule. Cannot believe when it is 11pm and I need to go to bed in an hour.

What are your experiences with this?
R: 43 / I: 5

delaying the inevitable

>zoomer, turning 21 in a couple weeks
>suicidal since childhood
>middle school dropout due to illness, absolutely no qualifications, living as a NEET since

Been lurking here for years now and see a lot of people older than me who've been through years of abuse and suffering. I've been through stuff but obviously, I haven't suffered for as long comparatively. Should I end it here before it gets worse or should I at least try and make things better?

I can think of multiple things from the top of my head that could help (going for therapy again once i've saved enough, going back and finishing high school etc).

Could probably turn things around if I really tried hard enough. I don't think I have it as bad as some other anons around.

Am I stupid for being too lazy to make things better? Feel like I'm stalling the inevitable

Any oldfags wished they'd kill themselves sooner?
R: 19 / I: 1
Does anyone else feel like their life is just a living nightmare instead of the normal experience others have?

I'm not even depressed, I was just born with such horrible cards and starting gear for this life (including my appearance, height etc) people are just automatically repulsed.

In a way, I realize we are just animals, and those animals who weren't born with good genes simply get bullied out of existence in all species.
How can you cope with living up to 80-100 years being shunned and bullied almost every time you exit your house?
R: 15 / I: 1

Facing the eternal void

How do I cope with eternal non-existence? Can i learn to Embrace it? Will some kind of quantum immortality save me?
Im terrified of the transition of suicide, gradually losing existence until im gone forever.
What May i do? I dont want to grow old and weak. I want to live until i can't take it anymore.its so hard sometimes.
R: 25 / I: 1

Catch

My mother caught me about to overdose last night. She cried and hugged me. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to upset her despite the shit she's put me through, but I can't take existence. Nothing is going right. The only thing keeping me sane is h, and I'm so deep in debt that I can't afford more. I want to close my eyes and have the world disappear. I want to surf through my own ideal, surrounded by joy. I've lost so much.
>ready to die
>stop eating
>spend the day high and drinking
>finally end it
>my mother undoes all of my progress
Every time I try anything, I fuck it up. I can't die properly. I can't bleed beautifully. I can't do fucking anything.
R: 140 / I: 11

the non-depressed wizards on /lounge/ just havent been at it long enough

i saw this thread >>>/lounge/275733 and i used to be the same way and i thought every day was a blessing to be alive and i LOVED playing video games and eating food. i was happy pretty much every single day starting at age 16 when i dropped out of high school.
im 26 now though, it's been 10 years, 10 years of sitting in this chair consuming media and scrolling endlessly on image boards and twitter. now every day is ruthlessly painful, mentally and physically.
i slept 16 hours yesterday because im tired for no discernible reason, maybe malnutrition. both arms hurt from carpal tunnel, i have back pain from scoliosis, i have shoulder pain from anxiety, my teeth are rotting out of my head and cause fevers and i can't afford to get them fixed. im scared anytime i leave the house. i hate everybody, i hate everything.
i try to consume old stuff i grew up with to relive the good times. but i can't, because it's become hateable. watching these anime i used to like is just a constant eyeroll, i roll my eyes and fast forward every few minutes because it's become such a cringe slog of childish cliches.

the teeth are the worst part. ive been thinking about killing myself because my teeth are making me sicker every day and it's pretty much all of them, the only hope for me is to have them all extracted and replaced with dentures, but that's 10 grand. i think i just have to kill myself before my teeth cause a brain infection and do it for me.

which brings me to my point which is: isnt this the experience that all wizards will have someday sooner rather than later?
sitting in a chair talking to no one for entire years objectively causes agoraphobia and many many physical health issues, i'll probably start shitting blood soon from damaging my body sitting down all day.
if you aren't depressed, it's because you haven't been wizard for long enough.
R: 45 / I: 1
The only reason we're depressed is that we lack money

If we had enough money we would be kings
R: 45 / I: 2
I'm between a rock and a hard place in life now. The internet and video games no longer provide the escapism that they did before. To make matters worse I have no desire to work lately and I hate interacting with others, like I'm constantly putting on an act until they leave me alone. I could literally veg out and stare at the ceiling all day at this point. Sometimes I can press on through a combination of drugs but we all know where that leads. There's simply nothing worth existing for anymore.

It's like I'm in a movie where the credits should have started rolling ages ago. The rest of the script is just blank.
R: 15 / I: 1

hopes and dreams

Taking a huge dose of oxycodone (real shit, not street). 20% of ODing and dying. I'm a fiend, in case you're assuming I magically got this shit in front of my hands randomly.

In case I do fucking die, let this be my resting place.

>why are you doing it

No matter how good things are, I'm still a loony, got the symptoms, symptoms won't go away ever. And I feel bad, no need to make a huge gigantic wall of text yet.

17:03: contact is fucking around. "I'll be there soon". It has been 3 hours.

Stay tuned, I'll be crying like a complete wuss in some hours. Or dead. Or both.
R: 16 / I: 0

Love you

Wizard brothers, if I were to kill myself or accidentally overdose.

I love every single one of you like if you were my twins. I've never been close to any family, only son, but I genuinely love every single one of you. When you cry and hurt, I cry for you too. The pain you feel, I feel it the same way. When you threaten suicide and you can't deal with suicidal depression, I wish I was there for you giving you a hug. I love you all, you're my brothers.

The day I fucking day and the treachorous death pulls my last agonizing breath, you'll be right there in all my thoughts.

When my times come (every soon) I wish I was buried right next to you, in the same land, like the fucking brothers we are. The same arcane blood flows through our veins.

Crying, suicidal, I say these words, being happy to have met every single one of you here. And I seriously hope you aren't crying suicidal like I'm struggling with right now. I love you all, thanks for existing. Even if I can't stop crying with my stupid swollen face, I love you and it breaks my heart knowing some of you feel like this or worth. Peace brethen. If I don't fucking overdose, I hope I could go back to sleeping face.

Love you sincerely.
R: 14 / I: 2

anti depression

depressed people are shit. they are doing it to themselves without realizing. they keep making fun of "just stop doing it" mentality like it was bad advice. with this they perpetually reinforce their own powerlessness by reaffirming, that they have no control over how they feel.

it is exact lack of self control that needs to be present for depression to exist.

of course they dont want to hear this because they have started using their depression as the board of chess that they use to relate to the other people around them.

giving up the idea of not being in charge of themselves has become a building block that too much of a depressed person's psyche has been built on. giving that up would require them to rethink more then they feel able to handle.
R: 28 / I: 1

How do you deal with having no friends or zero social life?

I remember in my 20s I used to have friends I hung out with and had a decent social circle.Now at 30 years old I really have no one.If I didn't live with family I would be completely alone.Life is tough living like this.
R: 34 / I: 3

Suicide rate statistics

Why aren't suicide rates dramatically increasing? Why is the long run average relatively flat? Aren't things terrible?
R: 27 / I: 1

Therapy thread

Anything related to therapy cna go here >///<
Have you found therapy helpful at all and if so why and if not why.

It seems to me that a therapist can help you if you have some things you want to achieve or gain in life but for whatever reason you will not go for them and also therapy can help people learn how to manage and identify their feelings but people who are self aware can do this by reading a book instead.
general therapy seems centered on establishing yourself within the community socially and working so you can buy things you want but what can it do for people who dont want anything? is it so crazy to think that just as some people like X and others Y there are also people who dont enjoy life at all. Do you think there will ever be therapy that helps people let go of life and end it peacefully.
R: 21 / I: 2
My older brother is a drug addict piece of shit and a sociopath. He always talks in a yell and with an underlying hate that no one seems to pick up or care about. He's bullied me since I was a kid (hes 24 years older) (yes hes nearly 50 and still lives with mom while stealing shit from the house for drugs on a regular basis) and he thinks it's his right to pick on me because hes the oldest, like hes my dad's sucessor lol. My mom has always argued when i complained about him (maybe not always but moreso recently, when she became more biased towards him and against my dad when he was still alive) and said hes not doing nothing wrong. Actually my middle siblings agree with that. They never see anything wrong happening to me and when I complain or try to change my situation they say I need to be medicated because I should put up with their bullshit and be an insane sociopath like them, to say it plainly. I got a dead end job and I'm bullied in there, my boss thinks hes giving me a hard time but it's a thousand times better than rotting at home as a neet while hearing my brother yell and not being able to study or do anything, and also have no discipline to keep a routine as a neet. So for that reason I dont quit my job and stay in this purgatory wasting my life.
R: 10 / I: 0
i go to lidl today with the intention of using my 10€ coupoun. i use a calculator to ensure that i spend exactly 10€. once the items are scanned it comes out to 9,45€, the prices listed are not the same once scanned. i cant walk back and grab items to make it go above 10 because there is a huge line behind me.

this shit ruined my day. im on welfare i have to save every fucking penny that i can. i screamed my lungs out once i got home. why does literally nothing i do go right? everything fails, how is that possible? how?
R: 35 / I: 3

post your hardest black pills

>most people are parasites on society, most normies will never even pay society back for their schooling
>rich people are generally speaking better than you in pretty much every possible way
>there isn't really any evidence that people are happier now, we just have more toys and don't suffer from as many diseases
>never existing at all would have spared you the pain of living, "just kys lol" is not a refutation of antinatalism
>by the time you're only enough to post in this board you've already experienced half of your subjective lifespan. By the time you're a wizard you're 3/4ths of the way to death as time accelerates you toward the end
>normies hate their lives so they have children who will grow up to hate their lives so that they can hate their lives slightly less
>every single one of your accomplishments can be put down to nature or nurture, neither of which you had any hand in. You essentially have no agency and the concept of personal exceptionalism from some greater inner self is flawed
Anyone got any to beat these? Also sorry if this isn't the sort of thing that belongs here.
R: 104 / I: 3
How did you get over your crippling social anxiety? Even going to the store is a battle for me.
R: 10 / I: 0
>plan to travel for the first time in my entire life (departure is 2 weeks and 1 day from now)
>i start feeling nervous and also i start losing sleep because of it
(i sleep from 4:30 am until 7-8 am when i wake up multiple times until
12:30 where i get out of bed)
>now i feel brainfogged most of the day and i can't think clearly or focus

should i cancel it? if not i'll be an easy unknowing target when it comes to pickpocketing and i'll probably be a hazard when driving.

also there won't be much joy seeing new sights if i feel this way but i really want to travel and see a new country
R: 4 / I: 1
I'm a digusting fat fuck and i hate my body, but this hatred isnt enough to make me lose weight. I eat shit food everyday
R: 90 / I: 4

Suicide

My 33rd birthday in a month, but im deciding to check out early.
I've got Vicodin, whisky, and a noose.
im going to no fap for the next 2 weeks then have dinner with my mom and kill myself.
i'd like to live stream it if possible.

anyone else want some free shit. ive got an alien ware p.c like 2k dollars worth of pellet guns. about 2k worth of books. dragonlance novels philosophy books, Schopenhauer and ligotti. ive got a bunch of stuff thats going to either be burned or thrown away. the p.c is decent, its only about 2 years old, barely been used. alien ware desktop with a gtx1060.
you can pick it from my house today. ill give you my info.

anyways. i love you virgins. im sorry life is this way. happy gaming. happy purple epics on world of warcraft.
R: 7 / I: 1

afraid to go outside

Is anyone else actually afraid to go outside? It seems like most wizards here are just depressed, or too depressed to do things. Is there anyone else here that isn't depressed but is just too afraid/paranoid to go outside? More than shy or socially anxious, literally afraid to step out your door. I've had so many public breakdowns now in my life that my parents don't even bother forcing me outside anymore.
R: 17 / I: 1

I am too naive, I lost all of my savings

I know this will sound fun to a lot of you. My thread might also be deleted since it has no other purpose than talking about me. You can talk about yourself on that thread as well.
So here's the thing: i'm way too naive. I swallow anything a person tells me. The logical thing would be to just back off from society. That's what i did for years, and not for that reason. Rather for bullying and health reasons that ruined my life. But that's not the subject here. The problem is that i still have internet and therefore have access to people who can potentially still keep using my weakness against me. So basically i was talking with someone whom i thought of a friend on internet. Stupid of me right? Anyway he asked me 500$ for a project he talked to me for like a week. Stupid right? Well again, i am stupid. He said that he would pay me back double after his project is done, i believed him and paid him. Guess what? He just disappeared after that.

So now the very little money i had accumulated after many years, gone. I don't even know what to say, i'm too emotionally weird to actually cry or do anything. I will just keep living like always. Meaning: doing absolutely nothing and wait for the next day. Should i post this here? I'm sure not. But i've learned something over the years about me. Whatever choice i do, it's always the wrong one. Always. All my live has been bad choices, alongside with the fact that it was pretty much screwed since the beginning.

As for myself, my health sucks, i can't work, can't study. I don't have any friends or anyone to talk to except my mom and dad who are starting to get gradually tired of the fact that i'm doing nothing. My health issues are laughed of, or just denied, so i don't have any sort of financially help or anything. Those 500$ where somehow my pride. I was happy to have them, i told myself one day i will have a good pc, not the overused thrash i have here.

I can't eat properly, shit properly, i can't sleep more than 5 hours in a row at best. I suffer a lot. But i guess it's not enough. I just don't know what to do anymore. I've tried suicide, but it didn't work. Nothing worked in my life. I have tried a lot of things. A lot. I mean it. But nothing ever worked in my life. Absolutely nothing. And everything sucks in my life. Every aspect you could think of. I'm just so tired of suffering what's the fucking point?

I was so low before that, and objectively i'm as low as i was before. Just a heavy blow i'm trying to breath away somewhere, hope it's the right place. But i'm not the right person.
R: 83 / I: 10

Stuck living like a permanent child

I've been living as a shut in neet since I was a preteen. I'm now in my late 30's and I still basically live like a kid. I'm not on disability and live with no income or allowance, no healthcare, I can't drive, I've never had a job before, never had any kind of relationship before real or egirl, kissless virgin, no friends. I can't go anywhere without being driven there by my parent and he doesn't take me anywhere except the grocery store. I've been trying to get him to take me to the library for about 7 years now but he won't do it.
He's also extremely toxic and treats me like a child. I can't leave the house after 5 pm, he constantly calls me a nigger and faggot. He keeps all his storage in my room so I have mountains of boxes all over my room. I made a online friend and they mailed me a toy, he opened my mail and then called me a faggot for weeks over the toy. He refuses to get me any kind of diagnosis so that I can try and get some kind of help.
R: 21 / I: 2

Law of Attraction

Have you guys read about the law of attraction and auto-suggestion? Authors like Napoleon Hill, Joseph Murphy, Bob Proctor and others. Many sages and gurus have stated that we are what we usually think. The law of attraction says that we attract what suits our state of vibration. Autosuggestion is the process that we can reprogram our subconscious mind with positive or negative affirmations and thoughts, if they are felt to be true in our imagination, they will eventually happen in the course of life. In short, we are co-creators of our reality. Do you believe it? Based on this we can leave the wizard state in the positive sense or at least live as a comfy wizard without depression. On the negative side, if someone falls into the utter emptiness of life, he can nourish suicidal thoughts in his mind at a point where that becomes his inevitable fate.
R: 23 / I: 1

legit retarded relatives

Anyone else have a legit retard in their family? I don't mean as an insult like "haha he's dumb", but for real.
My nephew is autistic. He's 8 years old and barely talks, and still wears diapers. Me and my mom take care of him in the afternoon about 4 days a week and most of the time it's ok, but today he's been crying all day for god knows why and it's so tiresome. I wouldn't wish a kid like this for my worst enemy.
R: 15 / I: 1

should i get back on ssris?

i was on them a couple years ago because i had ocd. i also was depressed, but i thought it was weak and cuck shit to take meds for depression. so i stopped when i got over my ocd. but now after a couple years things arent looking so good. i am anxious and stressed all the time, but too depressed to do anything about it. i am in college and failing all my classes. i moved out after i stopped taking ssris and now i am isolated from my parents who are the only ones who love me and care about me in the cruel and unforgiving world of normalcattle. i have always been a loner so i thought i would be able to handle it. but it has just been so brutal and ruthless for me and has left me bereft of any drive to do anything but ldar. my head has turned to mush and it is just impossible for me to care about stem shit when you know that the only thing that awaits you is the rat race.

i have severe moral issues with taking medication. i dont think there is anything wrong with me, and that this is just a natural reaction to external stimuli like isolation. because of this, i think it is hyper cucked that i should have to change my brain chemistry to fit in as a cog in the machine and make myself more able to work. but it really looks like i am on a trajectory to becoming homeless and unable to find work. also, i have tried self improvement before and it didnt work. when i interject myself into the social world, i always fall into the bottom rungs. the last time i was on ssris i was optimistic and exuberant. which i think is hyper cucked because it forces me to be exploited and used for others to accumulate social status.

right now, i have accepted that i am doomed to be alone and so im just seeking solitary peace. but really you have to be a NEET to have this, and i have no one to support me being a neet. so i am forced to try and be a wagecuck but i always have one foot out the back door, and being in these two world at the same time is killing me
R: 24 / I: 3

Cognitive Decline

I feel like my memory and fluid intelligence is just going to shit. I can barely retain any new information. Literally just remembering a new word or something is so hard it takes so many repetitions to get it to stick and then I forget it the next day. Both my grandparents got Alzheimer's really bad so I know I likely have it in my genes.

I wasted my youth not learning useful skills and having good experiences.

I feel terrified of getting like my grandparents; getting even older and not being able to look after myself. Forgetting who my family members are. Shitting myself and basically losing my soul. I would rather just kill myself but I think I would be too frightened to do it and the feeling of being trapped between choosing Alzheimer's or suicide makes me want to scream.
R: 13 / I: 4

I betrayed the wizard principles

I gave life a chance. Fell for it for a couple of months. Back to the same spot.

Got a fuckton of oxycodone and hard liquor right in front of me. There's a 50% chance I overdose and die.

I am depressed crying. I still cry no matter how peaceful I feel.
R: 20 / I: 1

Overdose on ambien

I have a full prescription on ambien, 23 pills 2mg each. I'm afraid of cutting, I'm afraid of hanging, but I'm not afraid of sleeping forever. Will this kill me?
R: 321 / I: 29

Depression Crawl Thread XXXVII

Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.
R: 33 / I: 4

i tried everything

i have tried everything with my life , nothing works out . in the end everything collapses on my head
i tried working a normie 9-5 job , was very mentally exhausting plus i have autism (diagnosed not a meme) , so social interacting was the worst thing to do , and i needed that a lot
even with this job i was kinda ok , as long as there is money coming
left the job and got drafted for army for one year , it was a literal hell
finished this year with very little left inside , i felt like im a shell of what it used to be me
maybe the stress gets the best of you and leaves you empty
after finishing military service , i searched for job and after i got a decent one i got kicked out of rental house and searched for a new one
the work place didnt like this and decided to give me the boot
tried to search for a job after that , but i was like digging in water
with me an empty shell after military , and failed job and many many failed interviews with no real job and the money is getting less and less , i decided to go freelance
and it was a disaster , all the freelancer websites i tried are a literal scam filled with indians and pakistanis
didn't stop there , decided to go crypto
built my own rig with the money i was saving for the past year or so , and everything was looking great , i couldn't even believe that it was happening
everything was working as i expected , every number i calculated was correct, and it even grow larger than i expected
so far so good
but ..
one day i woke up , checked up the rig , and every single card has failed
i don't know what's happening with me , why this shit keeps happening with me
it was the first time for the past 10 or so years that i felt genuinely happy
but it's like i shouldn't be happy in this life
it's like this life is hell , and im here as a punishment
im tired , really tired and i wish i could rest , forever
i really wish that i die soon , because im too pussy to suicide
R: 2 / I: 0
We’re you prescribed psychoactive medications as a minor? If yes, what age and substances, and do you think it’s part of why you’re here?
R: 4 / I: 0

Dead Parents

lost my father when i was 21 , live whit bedridden grandmother for decade , and just now my mother died ,i have noone,have no inheritance ,norelatives because i do not have bio parents im just picked from the streets just great, feels like Guts i cant conecnt to noone, feel odd,maybe im FREE now
R: 30 / I: 0

Ruin

So we all know equality is a scam, and the economy is a pyramid scheme, so how do you cope trying to find security in an inherently unsafe world?

Is there a way to hack the system like Kevin Micknic or just be a slave in Kaczynski's world. Sorry if I sound like a moron im an actual Dog.
R: 15 / I: 3

Anxiety and paranoia ruining my life

I haven’t been able to consistently leave the house for the past 8 years, you know how people say “things get easier the more you do them”? Well it’s the complete opposite for me, the more I am involved in a public place such as trying to get an education the more the paranoia builds, until I can’t take going there any more. I am 26 years old an I have never had a job and I have no education beyond highschool and some random college classes I managed to get through with heavy medication.

Is anyone else like this? I am not even depressed I am just extremely scared about being outside, the thought of even leaving my front door sends thoughts of neighbors peeking at me, recording me, taking notes on me, etc. I can’t bare it
R: 8 / I: 0

Wheat Waffles?

What do you think of the Wheat Waffles channel /wiz/? If not him do you watch any other blackpiller?
R: 89 / I: 7
Kiwi farms created a thread about me. its impossible to get a thread deleted in there,what should i do
R: 11 / I: 0

Military draft anons

Any of you live in shitholes where there's mandatory drafting that is only evaded through joining some organisation or worse - by applying to university? I hate living here holy shit. This is common in post soviet countries
R: 21 / I: 2

Nearly never enjoyed vidya

Anyone here not play vidya? My parents were too poor to afford vidya for me when I was a kid so I never really got into it. The best I had was a gameboy and some freeware PC games. I know it's a huge facet of many wizards' lives, and I wish I could fit in in regards to this. I'm trying to get into gaming now, but I think it's too late, I don't really enjoy anything anymore despite being a wage slave but I have no time or energy for vidya. Does anyone else relate?
I really wish I had the chance to play as a kid, maybe it could've turned into a serious hobby that I actually enjoyed.
R: 21 / I: 3

Finally doing it

I am in pain, no need to describe it. I am your fellow wizard brother and I want you to help me get rid of this pain. I am calling YOU for help here.

I am ready to die. Third-world poor so I can only get my hands on a rope or slit my wrists. I'm cool with slitting wrists. Just don't know where to start with it.

Whatever violent thing I have to do to my body like deep cuts, I'm not scared at all. It's just, I don't know where to lie down or how to make it faster. I'm deeply sorry things has gotten this way. BUT I DON'T CARE. I feel liberated now. Getting shitfaced meanwhile.

Please respond. Not attentionwhoring or taking pictures of myself, but I might show pictures of my last cave/resting place. For you to see this wizard was a human too. Or I'll just ignore that part.
R: 13 / I: 0

Hate

Every time I've asked someone if they dislike me the answer is always:
"I don't dislike anyone!"
"I don't hate anyone!"
"I don't think anyone is a monster, when I think about it."
"Everyone has their problems!"

Never "no". Or "I like you!"

Why don't they just say "If I hated people you're at the top of the list! Lucky for you I don't, but that doesn't mean I like you!"
R: 16 / I: 1
BE CAREFUL OF WHAT YOU SHARE ON WIZCHAN.

THE MODS RUN A STEAM AND DISCORD GROUP WHERE THEY VOICE CHAT AND SHARE THE POSTING HISTORY OF WIZARDS. THEY'RE ALSO PART OF THE GAY CLIQUE AND ONLY ONE OF THEM IS A VIRGIN

THAT'S WHY YOU CAN'T POST WITH A VPN
R: 17 / I: 0

Is everything just LARP?

So many things people say about personalities just seem so retarded and LARPy and just seem like they are masturbating over themselves because they’ve been on too much social media.

Like I hear a lot of people say that they “work on themselves”. What the fuck does that mean? Work on them like how you work on a car? Are they saying they got a lobotomy?
Or people often tell me I need to find something I’m interested in and pursue it. But isn’t that what everybody does all their lives? Do they think I’ve spend my whole life doing things I’m not interested in? I’m not that fucking stupid.

Who even are we? And how do we know who we are?

I don’t think we can ever have knowledge of ourselves as things in itself. But psychology tells us that we come to know facets of ourselves by socialization. Just like how in physics there is always an inertial frame of reference, we judge ourselves against the looking glass of our perceptions of what others perceive us.

Imagine if you had two computer monitors, each hooked up to a camera. Each camera points at the opposite monitor. You turn everything on simultaneously. What do the monitors display?
Now you have two microphones set up right next to each other. You turn both on at the same time. What is the sound that they make?

I am the monitor responding to the camera feed of other monitors responding to their camera feed. You are cacophony of microphones amplifying in tandem together. There is no me without you and no you without me. I am everyone, and yet I am no one.

Everything we do, everything we are, is with other people in mind. It was never about anything else than convincing each other that it was about something else. You work on yourself by changing others perceptions of you. Interests is just desirability in its act of confirming to norms of social acceptability. I am trying to convince you of this, and you will try to convince me that it’s bullshit. Nothing is even real
R: 21 / I: 2
losing my ability to form sentences and write in correct grammar.
why is this happening to me, it's like im losing my ability on how to write correctly and form sentences correctly. if i were to do an english test like one i did 2 years ago (i scored 100% in it btw) i don't even think i could score 80%
R: 10 / I: 1
>fw constantly assailed by disgusting intrusive thoughts
>trying not to think about them makes you think about them because of 'ironic thought process'
Have any wizards defeated this demon? It's killing me. I can't even be left alone in my head anymore.
R: 9 / I: 0

Why are women and even men a pain to associate with?

Humans in general are kinda soy and don't love me. What do? There seems to be no hope bros
R: 10 / I: 0

What

What does it mean to succeed in life?Why do people keep shoving this in my face without even explaining what this means?I don't know why i care about it either and why i should succeed.My brain must be brainwashed because it makes me feel bad for something i don't know,something it thinks i have to do.I don't want to care about any of this,i just want to only be interested in my games,anime and work my comfy job.Why must my subconcious torment me daily and make me feel bad what am i supposed to do?How can i stop it from talking?How can i reach mental peace?I don't want to succeed or do anything i just want to do my own things until i am prepared to kill myself without being bothered or tortured by my own brain.Please help me how can i make this pain go away
R: 61 / I: 1

How do I cope with the past?

I am 22 years old and have literally spent on/off the last seven or so years trying to cope with the way I was insulted and mocked by nearly everyone in class,including literal succubus, whislt I just quietly sat there, taking the brunt of it. I would go into depth regarding my situation, but I don't want to be humiliated anyfurther.
R: 108 / I: 17
I want to take DRUGS

YES, I WANT TO TAKE DRUGS FORGET ABOUT ALL MY SADNESS AND BE HAPPY.
R: 30 / I: 1

should i start smoking?

i need a new vice besides masturbation, junk food, drinking, and imageboards. i dont give a fuck if its bad for me. i like things that are bad for me. im not planning to live to an old age anyway
R: 22 / I: 0

Helping others for cheap dopamine

Im considering starting volunteer/charity work because helping humans gives humans dopamine. Anyone else on this line of thought?
Do wizzies help the poor and the ill?
R: 54 / I: 5

Torture/reincarnation

What do you guys think of reincarnation? Of the possibility that existence might be sadistic enough to force us back into the game endlessly? I honestly would not put it past reality to do such a thing. Imagine reincarnating as an infant that chokes to death on his umbilical cord at birth. Or perhaps a dog being skinned alive by gooks before being thrown into a pot of scalding liquid. Maybe you'll end up as an oblivious rich person who is so protected from the world that he has no idea that such things even happen. I often wonder about such things. The sheer amount of torture technology that's been devised from the human mind is astounding. Maybe I'm just focusing too much on the negative? Look at all of the beauty humanity has achieved through artistic masterpiece and technology! What other species has managed to escape the floor of earth? I think this would be a cool topic for the /dep/ board to discuss, I like disturbing feelings. I want to see this thread crawling with horror and madness and unhappiness; make it reek like a death pit, wizards! I want to hurt some people!
R: 58 / I: 4

Self-medicating through food

Do you ever self-medicate depression through eating food?

I practically need chocolate, ice cream, pizza, candy bars, pastries, cake etc. daily or I can't sleep at all because my mood gets so low during the day.
The happiest I'm going to feel all day is 1-2 hours after eating, and during eating.

French fries and potato chips are also very soothing and improve the mood for a few hours. I do have to limit the eating to maybe 2000-2500kcal a day so I don't become obese.

At this point, I think eating is the only thing I look forward to in life. It's the only real thing giving me any joy anymore. Video games, movies etc. don't cut it anymore. I'm tired of them.
R: 21 / I: 0

Just a general question

I mean I already know there’s a suicide thread but I needed quick answers/opinions from different wizards who may or may not obtain the necessary knowledge to guide me through my exiting plan involving the method of overdosing on a combination of prescription and non-prescription medications, DXM, and alcohol. I, know it’s the “pussiest” and least possible way of holding a chance of working-out but I’m in the third world, I do not have access to guns, fentanyl, heroin and most drugs that could actually make a legit effect with the aforementioned combination, but like I said I’m denied access to guns by country’s laws and I’m in a Muslim majority country where drugs are a strong taboo and require a huge freaking amount of connections with people who are already drug addicts and as you might have already guessed guys I’m a wizard or else I would’ve asked one of my connections to hook me up with a drug dealer right? However, I have access to trains and hanging, I’m too trained for hanging though it requires a vast amount of time to plan it in the right way at the right place&time and honestly I don’t want my parents and siblings to see my hanging corpse, a crooked out one on the ground would be far less of a horrible scene “imo”. And death by trains/cliffs/high-places causes a escalation of social media debate of religious people whether they’re Christians or Muslims that develops into a racial-debate about the copts being the natives of Egypt and islamic people being a bunch of colonizers (yeah I’m Egyptian) and of course the atheists take place and defend the suicidal person, saying it’s a human right and get into massive debates with the religious people. This happened with almost every person who died by heights and trains heres then his corpse was discovered later on and be dissected and classified as a suicide case, if you died by your hands here and you weren’t covered up and quickly buried by your parents/friends/relatives or whoever the fuck, your whole family’s members get fucked for life, especially in the neighborhood they live in. And for sure I want to avoid bringing any unnecessary additional burdens to my family, my death is of a big enough cause of remorse to them. So, as I’ve explained my options and situation, could you support me through this wizzies? I really cannot see no other place on the internet where I can find people who don’t think suicide is a taboo and is so shunned. All I have is, 120 pill of 0.5mg Xanax, 30 pill of 7.5 mg of a scheduled sleeping-medication it’s called zopiclone/hypnor the trade name in Egypt. A combination of antidepressants,antipsychotics, lithium, and paracetamol, around 400 pill or so. 20 bottles of 120mg DXM, 10mg DXM in each 5ml and a tablet of one hundred pill of a strong antiemetic combined with a injection/ampule of the same antiemetic, and lastly 4 liters of 10-15-20% alcohol bottles.
I’m a 21yo guy, no need to write my story as to why I want to end my ride here but I think it’s a multitude of philosophical inquiries regarding the nature and purpose of existence and a lack of enthusiasm/losing enjoyment/coping from everything I was doing over the last 5-6 years I spent all alone in my room completely secluded and a full-time hikikomori if you’d call it that + I tried therapy/psychiatry and even getting hospitalized but nothing seemed to ease my pain from questioning nature not even philosophy itself, I’m only getting older and losing enjoyment day after day, I don’t wanna wait until my 30’s or 40’s and witness the disgust, avoiding and shunning from every neurotypical person out there because simply they do not understand what a person like me goes through, it’s not even a matter of virginity, reproduction and succubus/succubi. But to them it is, to them that’s all they think about, the unleashing and discovery of plain and already figured-out and tried things from hundred, even thousands of years ago, it’s like when a 16-17yo succubu gets off from the fact that she’s trying alcohol for the first time for example or is getting touched/kissed for the first time. For some reason, that’s all what appears to be the mindset orientation of every one of them out-there whether it’s a male or female, they never deal with the burden of questioning life/reality/nature/consciousness and so on. They just exist. I never cared about the crab mentalities/MGTOW philosophies and all that load of crap too, to me it ain’t a matter of “annihilation of option” because of being ugly, obese or socially incompetent/autistic, as I tend to question the legitimacy of such people who stay on “hidden” places like imageboards for those reasons, to me it does not make any sense, if such person would’ve had better chances at the genetic pick up before the process of being sent/created or whatever into existence he would have not been here being all suicidal then? He of course would’ve been just another one of them and never questioned anything about existence, they resort to existentialism only because they “lost” at the social game, and simply that does not make one better or worse off than a neurotypical person, it’s just another form of coping, right? The realization I came to, is that there’s a very small percentage of people who attempt suicide due to pure philosophical unsatisfaction with life/reality or whatever rather than a majority of those who go through the suicidal limbo because of bad circumstances and bad deals at life, and if some of you might agree with me, don’t you guys think the idea of reincarnation is also manufactured by (some) intentions of having a better try? A good luck next time deal, because who knows! That makes some of those who also occupy reincarnation as a cope just copers! They just want better circumstances but they in fact, do not and never did gave a shit about any legit philosophical issue that leads to existentialism.
And >inb4. I, I know I can turn things around, I know I can do better and turn my whole life around, in fact. I’m considered attractive by the normals, I’m of good height and looks and I ain’t nothing of a social retard, my chances are good, actually I have a good trajectory at being deemed “successful” by the normals in a matter of a year or two. But you see the reason as to why I was isolated and socially cut myself out in the first place, is existence not the circumstances I was put in. I do not know if my plan will work, as far as I know, alparzolam when combined by hypnotics and alcohol actually recedes the neurotransmitters activity, causes a strong sedative affect that knocks you off and leads to inability to breath and later on finally death. I’ll have to resort to hanging if you guys actually convince me of the overdose turning into a cluster of disasters in a hospital bed. And thanks guys, I mean I’m young but I have been browsing this website for a couple years and I can see the good in the majority of you. I’m sorry life disappointed you in whatever your case but I, believe that the majority if not all of you have some form of purity are as not hedonistic/materialistic and psychopathic as the people I’ve witnessed and dealt with on a personal level. If it’s in my capacity I would try my best to put the effort into supporting every single one of you, at least those who struggle, but It isn’t. I am but a mortal man just looking for the promised land/answers, I can’t be anybody’s Jesus I even failed at being my own Christ/savior.
R: 17 / I: 0

/drugs/

Any of you use any drugs to cope with life and depression

I would be an addict but i don't have connections or many options to get drugs
>I would use uppers like adderal but that stuff turns me psychotic so i can only do downers

What would be a wizard drug, to me it seems like opium would fit, mdma would be something of a normie drug
R: 307 / I: 36

Wageslave General

mandatory overtime edition

previous >>240013
R: 7 / I: 0

TIPS AND TRICKS

I wrote this a while back and never found the occassion to post it. Here it is. I guess…add your own tips and tricks, I guess.

So, you want to kill yourself, and you're actually studying how to actually do it instead of being completely retarded and ending up like Stalin's son. Congratulations!

Part Zero: Well…I don't know about this…

"My gf left me, and I'm thinking about…"

If you're thinking this. Fuck right off. This is for people who are serious about this and want to get the job done. If you were serious, you wouldn't be telling your life story, you'd instead be saying:

"Is leaving my car running a good way to…"

So get to the point, actually think about how your going to do this, and leave the whiny bullshit to a suicide hotline or something like that. If you're going to want to talk about your story of how you got here, you don't want to commit suicide.
R: 29 / I: 0

Oxy

Anyone here ever tried this shit? Its like a cure all to depression, all your worries go away, and you start to enjoy things again. Been on them for about a years time and god damn
R: 15 / I: 1
Can we change ourselves are do we just suck immutably as automatons?

This society is so insidious, so darwinian so patheticit's revolting.
R: 12 / I: 1

What actually happens when we get old?

To clarify by old I mean as old as boomers or older.
It is easy to just put it out of mind by assigning yourself death in the future however that may not be the case at all.

If you rely on the breeders and they do not leave you money to live after they are gone you will in the best case scenario become institutionalized with social workers providing you the bare minimum to live on and homeless at the mercy of groids.

The /dep/ NEET wiz who gets bux will continue to exist in some small apartment until they die, living a dreary existence devoid of pleasure and that is if they are lucky enough for the system to continue feeding them.

A lot of wiz take refuge in the internet as being some form of escape but even a brainlet like me can see this structure which shields us is crumbling more and more by the day. Have you thought about how alien everything will be to you in 30 years? forget being able to talk to wizards on some chan like this if it exists because even if it did how could you relate to the next gen of wiz and outcasts.

We don't need others to validate our existence like most people on this rotten earth but maybe it is a shame that we cannot find worth in what could be the only reason to continue existence.
No matter how you look at it the future is grim and will only get worse.

/hob/bit wizards may escape the boredom and years of misery but for other wiz who cannot enjoy anything what are we even living for? If you are reading this you may think death is for the best but neither of us have killed ourselves have we.

As wizards we are fucked.. in the west it is common to get put into a home and while the east may look after their old it is only because they have a family and we wont have a family to look after us.
Are we all just waiting to gain the courage to kill ourselves?
R: 64 / I: 4

2brainlet4coding

I haven't given up yet, but I know I'm not getting very far.

My dream of learning coding is shattered cuz of this. All I want is a well-paid job where I don't interact much with others. I'm still gonna try, just because I want to so bad, but you do need problem solving abilities for it, as well as intelligence obviously. I don't really have any of that, I am only somewhat decent at math, but literally only basic math, everything else I forgot other than add, subtract, multiply, divide and maybe some other basic concepts (mostly grade school shit). For coding its more of the harder concepts of math, I barely even remember algebra tbh. You also need skills for advanced math topics, as well as problem solving abilities along with it. And this is why learning it is a real challenge for me. Plus I end up forgetting everything.
This is why I dropped out of high school, everything is too hard for me and will only get harder as time progresses. I've noticed over the years that I'm actually retarded.
R: 25 / I: 3

Religion

I've never been a religious person but lately I've been thinking more and more about going to church in hopes of it acting as kind of a safe haven for social rejects like me, am I retarded?
R: 304 / I: 24

End of the Wizards III : Who comes after us?

Looking back at the last two threads there seems to be somewhat of a general consensus that we've come to some kind of …impasse(?), that if we're not the last wizard, we will be the last wizards of our kind.

Question is who, if anybody, will come after us?

To me it's ridiculously obvious that the subculture(s) that the wizards, outsiders, outcasts, losers, etc resided in are completely in the hands of the normalfags, right down to the degeneracy contained within them. (Now, it seems like it's starting to consume them but that's another topic maybe).

Some anons in the last thread have argued that wizards should erect ever higher walls to keep out the normalfags from their hobbies but I say that's a futile and exhaustive exercise thanks in no small part to retard-proof internet access.

I think wizards, of the current generation at least, have to make peace that what was once theirs, is no longer. (Older wizards I'd think are beyond caring at this point since they've sort of defeated time.)
R: 21 / I: 0

I can't even speak to the opposite sex

For about 4 years now I have spoken to a female zero times when ever I am approached by a female which I pretty rare I can't even say hi. I am basically a mute when females are around. The reason for me not being able to talk to females is extreme mental trauma from middle and high school from females that would harass me and bully me for years. All I can think about when a female approaches me are those bully's from high school. I really don't know what to do at this point.

Also for the mods that might read this I do not think I am breaking rule 2 when I am posting this because I am not talking about real succubi in a sexual sense it is about talking to them for any reason other than a sexual reason.I don't need or want a succubus to pleasure myself I can do it myself.
R: 27 / I: 3

Lack of Skills/Failed Ambitions

Getting older really sucks. It is not comfy. Feel like my mind and body are declining. Worst of all is the loss of potential. When you are 8 years old anything is possible. You could train football for 8 hours a day from the age of 10 and work on diet, get spotted a club, go to a special school and become a football player.

You could start studying any language at 8 and become fluent. You could train your brain in mathematics and become a scientist.

When I was a kid I wanted to be an archaeologist. It never happened for a variety of reasons. I was too dumb and too easily influenced by outside factors.

It can never happen now. I am almost 27. So many things I missed out on. I feel I am getting even dumber. I can't learn new skills. I am finished.
R: 16 / I: 1

developmental disorder


Do any of you have a developmental disorder or intellectual disability ? like severe autism or something

I think i have FAS but i was never diagnosed, it's hard to diagnose or pinpoint at first glance but i'm 99% sure i have it.
Life sucks majorly, i'm on a different level of fucked up. It's hard to grasp the scope of damage but it's severe. There's a list of problems that comes with it.

For someone like me suicide would be a logical decision.
R: 5 / I: 0

Paranoia/Worry

Does anyone else constantly worry?
I keep going trough scenarios in my head of bad things that might happen and worry constantly even if I know it's very unlikely. Like I used to be involved with some criminal people (didnt do anything myself) but I'm now constantly worried my door will be blasted down (police don't need a search warrant here) because they might think one of them is here, or I were one of the gang members.
I am worried about running into old school-people.
I am worried about old embarrasing images I remember people taking in school somehow being sent to my family.
The list goes on, I've been on high alert for like 2 months now
R: 7 / I: 1

Penalties of being different

Anyone else encounter people treating them differently than others? Growing up people always kept me at a distance. I was called weird without really doing much but being myself.
R: 146 / I: 8

At what age can you not turn your life around?

>29
>worthless polisci degree (2015)
>didn't work a job until 24
>have had 14 jobs and quit them all within a year or less
>haven't worked more than 2 months at a job since almost 2 years ago
>live at home, never paid rent
>never made more than 16/hr doing almost entirely what amounts to stocking shelves in grocery stores
>schizoid
>misanthropic
>lack the natural affect and social fluidity that makes interactions with people smooth due to years of isolation
>can't stand interacting with people in a professional way
>get really anxious, feel panicky, etc
I got a job where I had to go into 711's, convenience stores, etc and talk to the store managers about shelf space for our candy bars and buying displays. I couldn't handle it. The idea of having to ingratiate and grovel to someone i don't want to talk to so some anonymous faggot company can make more profit just made me so angry. I ghosted after 2 weeks of training and one week of sitting in my car outside the stores to spoof the companies GPS on our tablet.

Is it over? Should I just move to some small town in the midwest and stock shelves at the local grocery store and hide from the vicious judgement and shame of the east coast yuppies who i was supposed to be a part of?
R: 17 / I: 0

Waiting till parents die

I know how horrible this sounds but:am I the only one who fantasizes about living without rules,paternal supervision, family ties etc?
Also all i'll inherit, having my own place,etc
I feel my life will be 50 times better if im alone and rich
R: 113 / I: 12

extreme anger and urges to murder

how do i cope with thoughts to kill everyone in my sight when im in public? i often get no sleep or maybe a few broken hours due to the pure rage and sadistic push to knife a random normalfags guts out. nothing has worked at all.
R: 7 / I: 2
>wake up
>go on computer
>masturbate on and off all day, browse random stuff
>before i know it day is nearly over
>go to sleep
>repeat

how do i break this shitty cycle
R: 28 / I: 2
Why normalfags are so opposed to euthanasia? Why they worship suffering and call it blessing?
R: 2 / I: 0

Low effort post

Hello!
I am Boris the Borzoi.
If you are seeing this thread.
Have a nice day.
R: 20 / I: 4

Sick and old

>Be a wizard
>Eyes aren't as good as they used to be
>Can't read for extended periods or watch screens without getting bad eye strain that lasts days
>Have life long illness that causes moving to be painful some times
>Try to paint warhammer figure
>Have to stop after ten minutes because of pain
>Can't do any movement based activities for very long
>Can't watch screens for very long
>Handheld gaming consoles used to be fine on the eyes
>Are slowly causing eye strain too
>Old style light bulbs are banned
>New style light bulbs make eye strain happen faster
>Losing the ability to do anything but sit and exist
R: 39 / I: 4

Depression Aclimitization

Anyone else just eventually acclimate to the fact that they're depressed? How many years have you been depressed so far?
R: 21 / I: 2

Joining the army

Any wizards considered joining the military in some form?

I'm so sick of the endless monotony of middleclass life. I don't think I can stand it much longer. Day after day of staring at the same piece of machinery and typing useless bullshit, just so I can go home and unwind by staring at same said piece of machinery until I fall asleep. I want to feel something, I want to go through hardship, I want my life to be sacrificed for some grand cause(however meaningless), I want to have a schedule in which my pathetic consumerist whims are ignored and I myself just become another blank face to be thrown into the pit of nonexistence for the sake of the military industrial complex. I want some oil billionaire to profit off my death.

Maybe I just want to die.
R: 35 / I: 6

Book Recommendations

Could I trouble some of you for a recommendation on some books you find as a "must read"? I am especially looking for genres such as philosophy, something that could profoundly alter the way I view the world, or at least enlighten it.

Many thanks for any replies.
R: 39 / I: 4

Fat Man

Any obese wizards here, how is society still treating you?
>be me 5'9'' 260 gyno
>abused
>humiliated
>silenced
>cruelty everywhere
bullied and shamed for being fat and gross not keeping it off, normies acting like sharks
people want me to kms or dgaf about, f'ed because of this prejudice, family hate me, people think i'm cringe for existing
wtf is this life feel like
R: 11 / I: 0
I realized something. If you're in this world not rich enough to be independent, then in fact you're trapped in hell. You have to be a slave to your bosses company to earn money. It is the same case with donkey. If someone is riding a donkey, he will show the donkey in the air carrot and the stupid donkey will run just to get the carrot. Its same with humans. Our boss will show us in the air some money per hour (for example 15 dollars, 15 euro, in poorer countries this may be even 4 euro, 5 dollars or less) and we would run for this just to get the money. The only distinction is that donkey goes for carrots, and humans for money.

My aim is saving money for black hour. I want to save as much money to go to stressles neeting. Thats all I want. NEETing is the bliss when you have the money. If you re NEET you can do anything, and if you dont want to do anything you can also rest and do nothing. Homever, if you re a neet with no money it is a bad case too. Because, you have to worry that you have no money at all and you re depend on your parents.
The depressing thing for me is that from my calculations I can go full neeting mode with enough money in 2030 year…
R: 18 / I: 2
>try
>face only rejection, destruction, humiliation
>repeat many, many times
>eventually, give up and try to build a little hermit life
>anyone that picks up on this loses their mind and acts like accepting defeat is some kind of death sentence and moral failure
Why? How is it wrong to just accept that you are unwanted and go away? Do they get some kind of enjoyment out of watching the bottom ~5% of the population humiliate themselves over and over? Am I depriving them of entertainment?
R: 306 / I: 44

Depression Crawl Thread XXXVI

Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.
R: 31 / I: 3
I'm currently 30 and I never had a job. I'm qualified to have one, but social anxiety and a bunch of other mental illnesses won't let me. Would anything change if I had a job? If I went to uni?
R: 20 / I: 2

Despairing Laugh

Anyone else has the habit of laughing out of despair?

I've been having this for some time now. Everytime a shitty event happen I just burst out laughing of how randomly fucked up it is. I just woke up looked at the mirror and did it again, all this look like a bad episode of truman show. I might as well just put on some make up and red nose cause in this encarnation God made me a fucking clown.
R: 19 / I: 0

Soft exclusion

Throughout my life I have never really experienced any traumatic events or bullying, so I was wondering why is it that I am so fucked up? I thought about it and have come to the conclusion that my basic lack of self confidence and avoidant tendencies stem from something I think of as "soft exclusion". Hard exclusion would be the traumatic experience where some bully insults you and teases you and explicitly excludes you from activities you try to participate in with them. Soft exclusion on the other hand is exclusion that happens behind the scenes simply by people not inviting you to participate in activities that go outside of what everyone is forced to participate in.

Regularly scheduled activities like school or extracurriculars are something where in essence you are forced to interact with others according to the rules set down by the overseeing authority figure, however normal childhood also has interactions with people outside of these activities where the children can be unsupervised and essentially free to be themselves. This is what I lacked all my life and other normalfags had. I don't know how or why it happened, but the normalfags all did stuff with each other outside of school, but never once was I invited. My parents gave me no guidance on inviting others to hang out with me, so I never invited others to spend time with me outside of scheduled activities. In the end what I was left with was a sort of hollowness, and emptiness where normally you are supposed to have deep ties with close friends. I have acquaintances, but not friends. The relationship of a classmate is like a work relationship basically, because of the supervised nature of it, real friendships form when people can be genuine and unsupervised.

Being soft excluded from that fucked with my confidence because I think there must be some reason having to do with me simply being unlikeable. When all your life you see circles of intimacy among your peers but never enter one yourself it has to fuck you up. I isolate partly out of a desire not to impose my presence upon others which I assume they must not enjoy. This is a learned feeling more than a rational thought process so I find it very hard to overcome.

Anyone else think they were fucked up by soft exclusion?
R: 13 / I: 0

Corona Quarantine

Anyone else here starting to miss quarantine times? I hate that normies go out again and do their socialising stuff.
R: 4 / I: 1

Overcoming mediocre results

I can not be mediocre or worst at things, it makes me feel a lot of guilt and shame.

Whether it's health, wealth, meaningful activities, relationships, mental strength or other visions … I'm always in the middle or below average.

Today I ran 5km competition and it was a succubus 2 years younger who ran much better than me and it made me feel even more useless.

When I look at myself in the mirror, there is not much to appreciate. People have since commented on how ugly I am.
R: 25 / I: 1
>one chance at life
>catatonic schizophrenic, life was terrible even before I went totally insane, always had symptoms of psychomotor impoverishment/weird behavior since childhood, schizophasia
>someone who talked to me recently on discord said it was like talking with a monster
>already destroyed mentally, can't think clearly, no memory, no motivation
>have to kill myself before total catatonia sets in, don't have the nerve, stuck between two impossible outcomes

I'm so scared.

I wish I could show you what I've seen in my dreams.
R: 3 / I: 1

everything is a burden

for the longest time, every time i have to leave my computer to go somewhere and do something, all im thinking about is how much it sucks and how much i want to go back to my room. like every time i have school work or go to my job, im just thinking about when i can come back and play vidya and masturbate to cartoons. and every time this is interrupted by something, like when i have to get ready to go to bed, i am extremely irritated. and its funny, because whenever i do have a ton of time on my hands, i usually just waste it all away and get really depressed that i still have to be awake for 12 more hours
R: 11 / I: 0

Is anyone here a thinker?

Just curious.
Anyone observe and examine their own mental states and consciousness?
Anyone create their own ideas about how the mind works, their own series of political philosophies, their own metaphysics?
Anyone have complicated thoughts that you can't explain in words, but that you can repeatedly come back to, and build on over time?
Interested in the nature of things six ways from sunday, i.e. you can't stop thinking about what something "really means"?
Anyone with 130+ or even 150+ IQ?
Anyone remember things in unbelievable amounts of detail and find contradictions where most people see none?
Anyone dissociate from reality and think so fast and so hard, that when you come back, the real world doesn't make sense and you're surprised to see others still thinking in the same old ways?

If so, how far did you go? How deep did you think? What was it like?
If you're not able to do this stuff, how do you feel about people who can?

I sure hope this thread doesn't devolve into talking about basic-tier stuff like bland hatred of society, space or time travel or paranormal stuff, favoritism for a political ideology, or (my favorite) criticizing, and repeating memes related to IQ because I mentioned the word IQ.
R: 18 / I: 1

pls respond

I considered myself a "veteran". Been through multiple suicide attempts, survived being by myself most of my adult life, survived being temporarily homess, survived mental institutions, survived almost going to jail, survived heavy drug abuse, survived countless overdoses.

But I forgot one thing. I wasn't supposed to make it this far. My oath is knocking on my door. Everything I've done was me expecting to be dead by this age and year. Got no money, no neetbux, parents that aren't really there and I can't blame them either.


I can do it but I'm scared. Suicide and death are violent, no such thing as a peaceful and painless death. The body shutting down is supposed to hurt. Just remembering being unable to breath or move, my chest cracking open and my eyes popping off my skull makes me tremble in fear. I regret not recording music for the last time, or never having completed my writings. Literature and poetry really grew into me. So much beauty in reading the rants of another wizard from 100 years ago.

Had to get this out of my chest, I'll do something stupid and I can't tell if I'll make it unscathed. But I genuinely loved this place, and to my end you're all my brothers and I deeply care about every single one of you.
R: 11 / I: 0

Snapped in May 2020; now have chronic insomnia

90% of the time I sleep, I wake up after 4 hours. Sometimes I can fall back asleep and get another 4 hours, but a lot of the time, like right now, I know it’s futile.

I think the reason I snapped is because I was forced to live with my fucked up family that I hate. My dad is a divorce-raped pathetic shell, stepmom is a literal ghetto nigger single mom, and my brother is a 10 year heroin addict who made a lateral move to a cocktail of incapacitating anti-psychotics (so basically just the same thing).
After dinner, I would go to the gym and do 30min-1hour of cardio. This served to alleviate the stress of being in the same house as them, and also a reason to get out of the house and away from them. I had been making preparations to move out, as I was desperate to, and I think being robbed of this, due to the initial lockdown, took me over the edge.

Once covid hit the gyms closed. Having no outlet to relieve the stress, feeling trapped with my family, and with anxiety about Covid, I just snapped awake one night in may 2020 after 4 hours of sleep.

For the first 3-4 months this was a nightly thing and it felt horrible. I would wake up and feel disoriented and exhausted; struggling through the day. Around 6 months my body started to adjust to it, and now, over a year later, it’s not that big of a deal. I did move away in January 2021, but the sleeping issues are still persisting.

Im skeptical of sleep apnea because I’ve slept for 7-8 hours a handful of times without issue. On those nights I didn’t do anything anything different than my normal routine. I think, unfortunately, that my cortisol levels or something of that nature got fucked up, and I’m always in a hyper aroused state, or at least have a low level of stress.

Point is, I’m wondering if I could get the bux if I spin this the right way. If I had to work going on 4-5 hours of sleep most days, I’d probably end up killing myself. I had several doctors visits in the first few months trying to find something that worked, and I also have records nearly a year later from when I got an alprazolam prescription for sleep/stress. That did work somewhat, but the sleep felt “false” and was never really deep. Even with a very gradual taper from the drug, I had extremely unpleasant brain zaps and anxiety and paranoia that was so bad I thought I would have a seizure out in public.

If I use this documentation, could I get the bux?