R: 11 / I: 0
I really want the job, I don't have anything better to do with my life in this point.
My parents are so proud of me, at least I have a job, but for my arm problem I don't know how many time I will work in this place.
Average normies life sucks, they don't have a beautiful succubus, if they don't have money their life sucks and if they have money they are consumerist zombies.
I want a life with beauty, I want a beautiful succubus, I want to listen beautiful music, play beautiful videogames, read a beautifull book or manga, play the guitar and have a creative job, I really don't understand normies with consumerist or poor life, why to get up, you don't have dreams, you don't have a beautiful succubus, you don't enjoy beauty more than the last iphone and a good house.
Normies life sucks too, but normies believe they are so better than us, and that is wrong.
I really feel suicidal with this thoughts, I don't have the life I want and I don't want to life a life who I hate. I don't want to be a NEET and I don't want to be a normie with a shit work.
Sorry bad English dear wizards.
Normies with ugly lifes vs NEETS
I have a job, and heaven knows I'm miserable now, I don't have studies and I have a bad arm so i can work but my arm is hurting me.I really want the job, I don't have anything better to do with my life in this point.
My parents are so proud of me, at least I have a job, but for my arm problem I don't know how many time I will work in this place.
Average normies life sucks, they don't have a beautiful succubus, if they don't have money their life sucks and if they have money they are consumerist zombies.
I want a life with beauty, I want a beautiful succubus, I want to listen beautiful music, play beautiful videogames, read a beautifull book or manga, play the guitar and have a creative job, I really don't understand normies with consumerist or poor life, why to get up, you don't have dreams, you don't have a beautiful succubus, you don't enjoy beauty more than the last iphone and a good house.
Normies life sucks too, but normies believe they are so better than us, and that is wrong.
I really feel suicidal with this thoughts, I don't have the life I want and I don't want to life a life who I hate. I don't want to be a NEET and I don't want to be a normie with a shit work.
Sorry bad English dear wizards.
R: 266 / I: 31
ice cold edition
Depression Crawl Thread LXXIII
Post here if you don't have enough to say for a new thread, but it's too depressing for the crawl thread.ice cold edition
R: 14 / I: 0
I'm suicidal but I avoid any medical help precisely for this reason.
Antipsychiatry General
I've seen this discussed in many threads so I made a thread for it. Many wizzies had had their life destroyed by psychiatric medication be it SSRI's, antipsychotics, benzodiazepines or others. A psych ward stay tends to leave you worse off. Some people get abused in psychiatric institutions. Mentioning you are sad and thinking about suicide to a doctor or nurse can get you forcefully restrained and tranquilised.I'm suicidal but I avoid any medical help precisely for this reason.
R: 5 / I: 0
Intense disgust with physical reality
I feel an immense disgust with the fact that I inhabit a human body. It manifests most acutely when I must face a physical process in action. Examples being; having to urinate or defecate, or having an erection. Defecating is particularly bad. I become aware that I am a worthless ape. I feel suicidal when I must wipe shit from my anus. Maybe you laugh at reading such a sentence, but it is truly horrible. I feel particularly demoralised and depleted when I realise that normalfags get to experience reality free from this burden. They do not fixate on the weight of their body, the terror of possessing a spine. They are not reminded that they are nothing but an animated flesh puppet when they face sexual arousal. It all feels like a cruel joke.
R: 89 / I: 14
Helping wizards to understand that persuasive feelings of suicide can be bested.
Further the discursive spirit of this thread will remain the same as the first: to counter the general luring tenor of sadness that defines all the other threads through sharing positive practical advice purposed to reducing suicidal behavior even when we feel most suicidal. Naturally, being that I started the topic, I will be the first to contribute.
(1) Know that I care about you guys deeply and sincerely. Call me a faggot, I don't care (many have already done this, to no worthwhile avail)
(2) Examine what you are eating. For example, gluten especially produces depressive/psychotic episodes in sensitive autistic individuals. Sugar also is not healthy for your brain. Delimiting ingestion of both is wise.
(3) Make sure you are getting sufficient sleep. Chronic sleeplessness or even a few days' worth of irregular sleep can seriously interfere with the clarity of our thinking.
(4) Clean up. Taking a warm shower and putting on fresh clean clothes always is refreshing and helps to break up darkened mental habits.
(5) Breathe fresh air. Open whichever windows punctuate your room and allow some wind to come in.
(6) Watch your breathing. When we are panicked, our breathing can become very disordered and we do not recognize the effect this has on our thinking. Take deep, purposeful breaths, and collect your thoughts.
(7) Respect yourself. You have done your best to survive in an awful world, and you should grant yourself forgiveness for any mistakes and the allowance to rest with a composed and balanced mind.
I've done my part. Anyone else?
Anti-Suicide General 2
Starting a new anti-suicide general as the original has been bump-locked.Helping wizards to understand that persuasive feelings of suicide can be bested.
Further the discursive spirit of this thread will remain the same as the first: to counter the general luring tenor of sadness that defines all the other threads through sharing positive practical advice purposed to reducing suicidal behavior even when we feel most suicidal. Naturally, being that I started the topic, I will be the first to contribute.
(1) Know that I care about you guys deeply and sincerely. Call me a faggot, I don't care (many have already done this, to no worthwhile avail)
(2) Examine what you are eating. For example, gluten especially produces depressive/psychotic episodes in sensitive autistic individuals. Sugar also is not healthy for your brain. Delimiting ingestion of both is wise.
(3) Make sure you are getting sufficient sleep. Chronic sleeplessness or even a few days' worth of irregular sleep can seriously interfere with the clarity of our thinking.
(4) Clean up. Taking a warm shower and putting on fresh clean clothes always is refreshing and helps to break up darkened mental habits.
(5) Breathe fresh air. Open whichever windows punctuate your room and allow some wind to come in.
(6) Watch your breathing. When we are panicked, our breathing can become very disordered and we do not recognize the effect this has on our thinking. Take deep, purposeful breaths, and collect your thoughts.
(7) Respect yourself. You have done your best to survive in an awful world, and you should grant yourself forgiveness for any mistakes and the allowance to rest with a composed and balanced mind.
I've done my part. Anyone else?
R: 47 / I: 6
Wizards and porn addiction/gooning
I am not even that horny, a lot of the days I force my self to do it while not even being in the mood for it, it's just the most effective way for me to cope, masturbation is free, gives you instant pleasure and can burn for you many hours at the time, there are times when i find my self touching myself just so I can use it as a way to distract my self for my anxieties and negative thought loops, as soon as i start touching myself all my anxiety and negative emotions start to dissolve as much as i hate and it hate how much i overdo it, i can't deny it makes getting through my days easier when i can just touch my self for many hours instead of just sitting there being miserable feeling hollow bored to tears and empty or anxious and overthinking at worse, my point here is that I believe the addiction for me is a mere sympotom, something I use to escape my negative feelings and the emptiness of my daily life, thanks for reading my blogpost
R: 117 / I: 11
>I form the light, and create darkness. I make peace, and create evil. I YHWH do all these things - Isaiah 45:7
People act like religion is the answer to their problems, it just makes me more depressed
What is the average wizard's relationship with religion like? No religious person has ever been able to give me a good argument for why God, if he is out there, is not the most maximally evil being in the universe simply by the virtue of creating suffering when he could have chosen not to. Saying "suffering builds character" and derivatives of is just a manifestation of their stockholm syndrome for this vile entity>I form the light, and create darkness. I make peace, and create evil. I YHWH do all these things - Isaiah 45:7
R: 48 / I: 2
It's Saturday night and I started taking a new antidepressant called Mirtazapine (15mg) on Thursday night.
This is my 10th or so attempt at a psychiatric medication. I've tried lots of therapy too.
Wish me luck anonymages. I was about to quit my job but watched some motivational videos on autoplay on Youtube for hours and as cheesy as it was, they convinced me to give this a go.
I didn't even get these prescribed recently. It was way back last year and then I just didn't take them because this particular medicine has a reputation for making people really fatigued.
It does put me to sleep. But, maybe that's ok. If it means I can find some happening apart from fapping and dreaming while I sleep.
Maybe it'll even help me turnaround my fortunes at work where it looks like I'm sliding towards a firing or just being unable to come in. Barely stopped myself raging at my boss the other day and took 2 weeks sick leave from stress afterwards. I need to swallow some humble pie come Monday and hopefully these pills help. Being off work for 2 weeks showed me I'm just as miserable and actually more so depressed, anxious and stressed not working despite all the antiwork slogans I collect.
It's Saturday night and I started taking a new antidepressant called Mirtazapine (15mg) on Thursday night.
This is my 10th or so attempt at a psychiatric medication. I've tried lots of therapy too.
Wish me luck anonymages. I was about to quit my job but watched some motivational videos on autoplay on Youtube for hours and as cheesy as it was, they convinced me to give this a go.
I didn't even get these prescribed recently. It was way back last year and then I just didn't take them because this particular medicine has a reputation for making people really fatigued.
It does put me to sleep. But, maybe that's ok. If it means I can find some happening apart from fapping and dreaming while I sleep.
Maybe it'll even help me turnaround my fortunes at work where it looks like I'm sliding towards a firing or just being unable to come in. Barely stopped myself raging at my boss the other day and took 2 weeks sick leave from stress afterwards. I need to swallow some humble pie come Monday and hopefully these pills help. Being off work for 2 weeks showed me I'm just as miserable and actually more so depressed, anxious and stressed not working despite all the antiwork slogans I collect.
R: 4 / I: 0
The true tragedy is I am significantly over than 21, I have a very rocky relationship with my parents, who abused the hell out of me, and I literally shake and tremble in fear when my parents are angry, I can feel pain in my heart. But guess what I am over 21 years of age and they are not bound by any law to take any care of me at all but they still do, they have also helped me a lot, while I don't wish them harm, I do wish I lived away from them.
And of course I am unemployed, to a great extent, I get talked down on daily basis, while I am grateful for what my parents have done for me, I am grateful for what normies have done for me by making wonderful things like mobiles and games. I do not like the fact that my father has a carte blanche to say anything to me and do anything to me, I am grateful for society for giving me mobiles and games, as I said. But I don't like how my value is only derived from what I earn.
If I don't earn, I am a pest, a drain on resources, my parents treat me like I am disposable, with no respect, at all. And why should they cause love isn't unconditional because if they loved me unconditionally, maybe I would've abused them instead. No such thing as that.
I just want to die but I am terrified of dying without living for once. I live in an honor culture mixed with Western Style liberalism and as an unemployed person, I am the lowest common denominator in them. Money has somehow turned out to be more important than I expected it to be, I mean money is water, money is food, and money is roof. I knew that but I didn't knew how.
I have never spent a day of my life that wasn't in constant anxiety and worrying about something, not a single day in my life where I could claim that 'Yes, it was a good day.'. Perhaps I am like one of those weird females who don't want solutions to their problems but they just want to be heard, when they talk, if you know what I mean. And it surprises me that I have an iota in common with succubi.
As I said a lot of fault lies with me, I have tried for jobs, and tried for online ways to earn. But perhaps, I don't want to try, perhaps I want to kick the can down the road, just to play one level of a game.
And I know that there are three ways to live a life. The best to worst, according to me is to: Improve your life, Kill myself, or the worst: do nothing, where your life is getting worse day after day and you do nothing at all, this is the worst because it is torture, and that's who I am, a coward, a good for nothing unemployed manlet, whose only achievement is button smashing in video games. I don't even know what I want, even if I have a friend, what will I talk about, to be honest I am a burden on this board as well cause I have nothing to say, nothing to do, I just exist in this world and the existence hurts, I just want to live in a way that I feel like I am ready for the new day, excited in the morning. I want to die but not before I live.
Want to die but afraid of dying before living.
I have a lot of faults of my own, perhaps my current predicament is entirely my fault. I have no friends. No one to talk to. But things are worse, I was born and currently live in a really hated country on this planet but regardless it could've always been worse, I could've been a prisoner in North Korea or on the menu in Africa for a good hearty meaty meal.The true tragedy is I am significantly over than 21, I have a very rocky relationship with my parents, who abused the hell out of me, and I literally shake and tremble in fear when my parents are angry, I can feel pain in my heart. But guess what I am over 21 years of age and they are not bound by any law to take any care of me at all but they still do, they have also helped me a lot, while I don't wish them harm, I do wish I lived away from them.
And of course I am unemployed, to a great extent, I get talked down on daily basis, while I am grateful for what my parents have done for me, I am grateful for what normies have done for me by making wonderful things like mobiles and games. I do not like the fact that my father has a carte blanche to say anything to me and do anything to me, I am grateful for society for giving me mobiles and games, as I said. But I don't like how my value is only derived from what I earn.
If I don't earn, I am a pest, a drain on resources, my parents treat me like I am disposable, with no respect, at all. And why should they cause love isn't unconditional because if they loved me unconditionally, maybe I would've abused them instead. No such thing as that.
I just want to die but I am terrified of dying without living for once. I live in an honor culture mixed with Western Style liberalism and as an unemployed person, I am the lowest common denominator in them. Money has somehow turned out to be more important than I expected it to be, I mean money is water, money is food, and money is roof. I knew that but I didn't knew how.
I have never spent a day of my life that wasn't in constant anxiety and worrying about something, not a single day in my life where I could claim that 'Yes, it was a good day.'. Perhaps I am like one of those weird females who don't want solutions to their problems but they just want to be heard, when they talk, if you know what I mean. And it surprises me that I have an iota in common with succubi.
As I said a lot of fault lies with me, I have tried for jobs, and tried for online ways to earn. But perhaps, I don't want to try, perhaps I want to kick the can down the road, just to play one level of a game.
And I know that there are three ways to live a life. The best to worst, according to me is to: Improve your life, Kill myself, or the worst: do nothing, where your life is getting worse day after day and you do nothing at all, this is the worst because it is torture, and that's who I am, a coward, a good for nothing unemployed manlet, whose only achievement is button smashing in video games. I don't even know what I want, even if I have a friend, what will I talk about, to be honest I am a burden on this board as well cause I have nothing to say, nothing to do, I just exist in this world and the existence hurts, I just want to live in a way that I feel like I am ready for the new day, excited in the morning. I want to die but not before I live.
R: 10 / I: 0
I wake up every day in disgust, fear and anguish of my existence. I have left no pride nor confidence in my confused brain. Every day I wake up and I loathe the person that I am and my world instantly.
I wish to go back to sleep. Sleep. I just wanna sleep and not take place.
I wake up every day in disgust, fear and anguish of my existence. I have left no pride nor confidence in my confused brain. Every day I wake up and I loathe the person that I am and my world instantly.
I wish to go back to sleep. Sleep. I just wanna sleep and not take place.
R: 17 / I: 1
I don't even know what to do anymore
Extremely poor
I have a degree yet no work or even an internship called me, I have -3$ in my bank account, I tried even to think about relocating to another city to try work there yet no work there called me, And my family is very poor.I don't even know what to do anymore
R: 304 / I: 28
I'm currently 26, almost 27 (rings a bell?). And I can't take it anymore. I will soon depart from life through hanging. I haven't done it yet because I live in a shithole and there are always people around making noise and being nosy. I will just wait till it's very quiet so I can go to the woods and end this miserable existence.
I don't care if it might "get better". Existence itself is a curse and we're all gonna die anyway. I've read enough pessimist books and life affirming books and I side with the former. I don't need your compansion, because the thought that I will soon disappear is the only thing that makes me happy. I'm not even sad because of this.
Suicide general
This is the classic "suicide general", where we discuss methods and say farewell to our fellow wizards, quite different from that other thread in the catalog.I'm currently 26, almost 27 (rings a bell?). And I can't take it anymore. I will soon depart from life through hanging. I haven't done it yet because I live in a shithole and there are always people around making noise and being nosy. I will just wait till it's very quiet so I can go to the woods and end this miserable existence.
I don't care if it might "get better". Existence itself is a curse and we're all gonna die anyway. I've read enough pessimist books and life affirming books and I side with the former. I don't need your compansion, because the thought that I will soon disappear is the only thing that makes me happy. I'm not even sad because of this.
R: 8 / I: 0
Hell on earth
Never look for psychiatric help, expecially as an addict. It was the worst mistake I ever made in my life. I got addicted to ultra high doses of xanax 8-10x over maximum, and when I tried to get help, instead of tapering me which is what they do in every civilized country, they took me from 30 to 0 in a day. I had stroke symptoms, 60/40 bpm, i was teleporting in real life, i couldnt talk think or know what day it is, function or do anything. I spent 3 days falling on my knees under the doctor's office in the psychiatric hospital and got treated like an annoying fly. I wanted to call an ambulance to take me out of there, i called an ambulance on myself because I thought I had a stroke when I ran away out of my drugs, but nobody ever checked nor was interested in anything. My doctor was an ukrainian piece of shit that treated me like shit under his shoe. After 12 days in psychiatric prison i barely escaped by pretending to get better, and spent 3 weeks in a psychosis despite taking antipsychotics and antiseizure meds, i felt 24/7 heart attack, stroke and epilepsy symptoms. I also lost feeling in my body, i had visual, auditory, time perception problems, became and invalid that couldnt move or pick up a paper, eat, swallow, feeel thirst, pee, lost ability to control my muscles. If i took a bath i would swallow all the water and not feel it, i hit my head on everything and didnt even feel it, i could punch walls and not feel if i broke my bones. When I went to a private psychiatrist to get help, she saw me and said she doesn't deal with this and kicked me out the door after 30 seconds without letting me explain a single thing. I lost my mind, it has been completely destroyed and ruined to the point there's nothing left. After 5 weeks of this treatment and choking on water I thought i'll die anyway so I went back to my drugs and after taking 1 pill I got a better remission and improvement than over a month of their psychiatric treatment. I could actually feel things and i wanted to cry from happiness. But it was all temporary, and in the end i went back to my old habits, but now, they ruined it so that I get every single side effect from the drug that I never had before despite taking the same amount for a year straight. My physical health has also completely collapsed, I was unable to take a bath for a month, shave, eat, think, time moved 100x times slower and I experienced hell on earth worse than being torturted alive with worst cia methods. Now I have nothing left. I heard from 100 medical related people to go home and do drugs till I die if i dont want their 'treatment' in psych ward, they wont even check my physicals, and my body completely collapsed. I have severe stomach, genital, and teeth problems that hurt so much I beg satan to kill me and take me away from here and I can't do anything about it. If I didn't experience it myself I would not believe such a thing is possible, its worse than I've ever heard in even fantasy horror stories or the worst nightmares anyone can imagine. I went to hell on earth and got stuck there all due to my cowardice. f I knew this would have happened I would have burned myself alive and it would be nothing. The pain I feel now is so bad I can cut myself all over and it isn't even a prickle compared to the agony I go through. I want to murder people that did this to me but the only person I can kill is myself. Good thing I'm running out of drugs and I have to kill myself within one or two days if my other illnesses don't finish me off first. I'll do it even if I have to crawl there from my 4th floor apartment. It's a 3 minute walk to the train tracks, I feel nothing when I'm there and look at these trains. I have a defective brain that prevents me from ending my unbearable agony for years, while a 12 year old in my situation would instanly jump out the window or hanged himself. If I was american I would shoot my whole family and myself at least within an hour since they are all pathological mentally diseased defective pieces of human garbage. But my only realistic option is walking in front of a train and enjoying the end. Death is mercy that I don't deserve but I intend to take and if I could I would burn this whole world along with myself.
R: 27 / I: 3
I love life. For a period of about two to three years I was empty and melancholic with constant suicidal thoughts. But now I can't hate the world, the struggle of life moves my soul; the clouds, the sea, the stars, flowers, the wind, it all is so amazing to witness. Most of all I love people, for what they can be, seeing the rare phenomenon of a genuine person, be it in person, through their words, or through something they made, tugs at me like nothing else. And it's not like my life has materially gotten much better, I got out of my nagging bitch aunts house but otherwise not much has changed.
But this transformation has only made everything hurt more, going out amongst the normgroids deeply upsets me because they squander themselves for nothing. But even then I cant bring myself to hate how much it hurts.
If you're reading this mage it'd mean a lot to see you chase your dreams, I don't believe in that crap about humans only being able to care about a certain number of people.
I Cant Blackpill
Hey mages, wizards, posting this here so some may see it instead of just throwing it in a doc somewhere.I love life. For a period of about two to three years I was empty and melancholic with constant suicidal thoughts. But now I can't hate the world, the struggle of life moves my soul; the clouds, the sea, the stars, flowers, the wind, it all is so amazing to witness. Most of all I love people, for what they can be, seeing the rare phenomenon of a genuine person, be it in person, through their words, or through something they made, tugs at me like nothing else. And it's not like my life has materially gotten much better, I got out of my nagging bitch aunts house but otherwise not much has changed.
But this transformation has only made everything hurt more, going out amongst the normgroids deeply upsets me because they squander themselves for nothing. But even then I cant bring myself to hate how much it hurts.
If you're reading this mage it'd mean a lot to see you chase your dreams, I don't believe in that crap about humans only being able to care about a certain number of people.
R: 137 / I: 27
previous>>296811
Wageslave General
You will still be stuck browsing this thread in 2026 editionprevious>>296811
R: 13 / I: 3
I will die either institutionalized or in some shitty rental with nothing to my name. Nothing that I dreamed about will ever become true.
Do you still hope things can turn for the better?
I think age 31-32 was the point where I realized I'm too autistic and weird to ever have 'normal' things in life.I will die either institutionalized or in some shitty rental with nothing to my name. Nothing that I dreamed about will ever become true.
R: 6 / I: 0
Its affecting my happiness quite a bit, its a good day when I dont have to interact with anyone for a day
As if I dont know im a failure
The complaining never stops
I was a Neet I got cried to alot for that, now im a student and I still get talks about finding a part time job the same way, despite me getting money
Its so tiresome
I once worked full time for over a year, it was such a bad time to me, I dont have the energy like normies do
The worst part about it all is my mom telling me I should move out if I dont like it
I want to move out very badly, but how can I when the few hundred I get a month is barely enough to live?
Even with a part time job it would not be enough
I dont see the situation changing anytime soon
Parents hating everything you do
I am not in a position to move out and I always have to listen to complaints about everything I doIts affecting my happiness quite a bit, its a good day when I dont have to interact with anyone for a day
As if I dont know im a failure
The complaining never stops
I was a Neet I got cried to alot for that, now im a student and I still get talks about finding a part time job the same way, despite me getting money
Its so tiresome
I once worked full time for over a year, it was such a bad time to me, I dont have the energy like normies do
The worst part about it all is my mom telling me I should move out if I dont like it
I want to move out very badly, but how can I when the few hundred I get a month is barely enough to live?
Even with a part time job it would not be enough
I dont see the situation changing anytime soon
R: 19 / I: 1
I'm tired of socializing, drama, human interests, social demands, social everything.
I wish I was a machine instead of a talking ape. I actually hate being an animal.
I don't even hate people, I just don't want to be in any contact with them. I even hate my own body for forcing me to eat and wash in order to not completely dysfunction.
Voluntarily cutting off ties
Does anyone else voluntarily exile themselves from society?I'm tired of socializing, drama, human interests, social demands, social everything.
I wish I was a machine instead of a talking ape. I actually hate being an animal.
I don't even hate people, I just don't want to be in any contact with them. I even hate my own body for forcing me to eat and wash in order to not completely dysfunction.
R: 24 / I: 0
Being a genetic dead end ugly loser myself I suffer for it even as a now "middle aged" man.
One would think such things are left behind in high school or something, but no.
You queue up for a service, government office for some paperwork, a cash register at a store, post office or hell even medical services.
You can tell the people before you were treated kindly. At worst processed in a neutral way.
Some even receive a cheerful response and the help they need, people go above and beyond for some.
Then it's your turn at the line.
A look of disdain follows immediately. Quiet. No "what can I help do for you" "what can I help you with" "what is the purpose of your visit".
Silence. Faces contort…
Sometimes a sigh, sometimes some snide remark. Clear hostility.
A shift in demeanor so noticeable, so obvious, so visceral… (yet to them likely natural) that even the thickest of autism wont help you stay oblivious to it.
You get mistreated, worse service, denied service you paid for, medical gaslighting, humiliation over and over again.
Networking is impossible for you, who by your mere acquaintance devalue their status.. and without connections, being treated like this, only having the "official route" as an option you soon realize you might not be able to get anything done.
After much pushing, repeated humiliations and humbling yourself, matching your demeanor to that expected of "your ilk" some old lady at the register might take pity and process your request, prescribe your medication, refer you to a proper doctor.
Sometimes the stars do align like that and you make a step towards a slightly less miserable state of being.
Yet that was all beyond you. At the mercy of the system, rather, those upholding it, those normies that decide your fate.
A simple nurse on a whim decides you deserve to suffer. A cashier decides to reject your (otherwise valid) coupon or something so you have no choice but to leave some items behind.
At the government office they refuse your paperwork for some minor thing they would ignore for any other. Back to the start with you.
A doctor refusing treatment, denying your pain even exists.
Pray they'll be merciful next time.
What choice does one have? At some point meekness becomes the default, helplessness not learned but enforced. It is not fair at all.
What freedom was there when the worlds rejection and adverse experiences due to external factors shaped your internal self as well?
Do share some thoughts or experiences on this matter if you have any.
Disclaimer: This isn't about the topic of "looksmaxing" or similar such things. But I'm not against advice or tactics related to navigating life as someone forced to be on the fringes.
Living hideously. What have you been denied for being ugly?
Lookism has become a public, popular topic lately on the internet and I believe that it affects wizards in very tangible ways.Being a genetic dead end ugly loser myself I suffer for it even as a now "middle aged" man.
One would think such things are left behind in high school or something, but no.
You queue up for a service, government office for some paperwork, a cash register at a store, post office or hell even medical services.
You can tell the people before you were treated kindly. At worst processed in a neutral way.
Some even receive a cheerful response and the help they need, people go above and beyond for some.
Then it's your turn at the line.
A look of disdain follows immediately. Quiet. No "what can I help do for you" "what can I help you with" "what is the purpose of your visit".
Silence. Faces contort…
Sometimes a sigh, sometimes some snide remark. Clear hostility.
A shift in demeanor so noticeable, so obvious, so visceral… (yet to them likely natural) that even the thickest of autism wont help you stay oblivious to it.
You get mistreated, worse service, denied service you paid for, medical gaslighting, humiliation over and over again.
Networking is impossible for you, who by your mere acquaintance devalue their status.. and without connections, being treated like this, only having the "official route" as an option you soon realize you might not be able to get anything done.
After much pushing, repeated humiliations and humbling yourself, matching your demeanor to that expected of "your ilk" some old lady at the register might take pity and process your request, prescribe your medication, refer you to a proper doctor.
Sometimes the stars do align like that and you make a step towards a slightly less miserable state of being.
Yet that was all beyond you. At the mercy of the system, rather, those upholding it, those normies that decide your fate.
A simple nurse on a whim decides you deserve to suffer. A cashier decides to reject your (otherwise valid) coupon or something so you have no choice but to leave some items behind.
At the government office they refuse your paperwork for some minor thing they would ignore for any other. Back to the start with you.
A doctor refusing treatment, denying your pain even exists.
Pray they'll be merciful next time.
What choice does one have? At some point meekness becomes the default, helplessness not learned but enforced. It is not fair at all.
What freedom was there when the worlds rejection and adverse experiences due to external factors shaped your internal self as well?
Do share some thoughts or experiences on this matter if you have any.
Disclaimer: This isn't about the topic of "looksmaxing" or similar such things. But I'm not against advice or tactics related to navigating life as someone forced to be on the fringes.
R: 26 / I: 6
Many also describe horrid childhood experiences, neglectful or overprotective parents, abuse, bullying and the like.
I too had my fair share of misery, lack of love, despite best efforts from my mother. (Yet maybe I didn't reciprocate/feel such, despite observing the effort.)
This made me wonder, what do I even expect out of people?
What would an ideal family life look like?
What would feeling loved feel like? (However ridiculous that sounds.) What actions would need to be taken by who for me to feel such a thing?
What do I actually expect from a "friend"? How do I want them to feel about me, to interact with me? How should I engage with people in general?
What boundaries should be set?
I feel like with friendships I often gave my entire being or idk. like I usually had 1 very close friend and nobody else, of course they had multiple friends, always.
I just can't handle many people at once, I struggle with shallow relations because navigating such is beyond me.
I honestly don't know.
I feel like I've had some magical expectations about relationships (I use this word, but this doesn't mean succs or sexual) that simply don't seem to manifest.
Maybe things weren't that bad, maybe I'm just broken in some way.
I just don't know what I would want a good parent to be either. Maybe someone I can confide in regardless of the issue, someone who would have helped me navigate the world?
Someone to teach me to be a person?
I don't know. I often lament my childhood, my lack of development, the lack of warmth, the dread of fearing for my life each night, but realistically this might just have been me.
I mean, my parents also had horrid childhoods themselves so maybe this is just what it's like.
I'm a weak person, just reading about "bad" stuff "realistic" stuff makes my stomach sink, my chest tight and just… hurt me.
I like to read manga and what sparked this thread I'll be honest is that I decided to re-read "Mushoku Tensei - Jobless Reincarnation" which I dropped many years ago because it felt too real.
The human interactions shown are not clean at all. Like I prefer in my manga, clean, direct, cliche, no rough edges etc. This wasn't it. It hurt multiple times.
Then I realized as I powered through that this is still some ideal fatasy crap compared to the REAL REALITY and then made me wonder if I just expected too much.
At the end of the day, I know I'm weak. The MC powered through and things worked out, but that was because the other parties involved also cared. I don't know if I had the power to just deal with things when I could barely stomach reading a fantasy character go through such.
I feel like if one thing, I would have liked some help, some mentorship which might have helped if I had a father in my life instead of a source of life ending terror.
Maybe I should have grown myself somehow. I don't know. The character picked himself up somehow… Which makes me feel like it's all my fault. Might be true too which is why I'm trying to figure things out.
Being 30, officially starting life as a "middle aged man" might be a bit too late to start figuring things out too. How to be a human when the opportunities are no longer there.
I hope the mentioning of this manga doesn't completely write of what I had to say. Please do share your thoughts and experiences on the matter.
I was debating whether to post this on /dep/ or /lounge/, but I felt like it might fit here better.
I couldn't come up with a proper thread title either.
What do you expect from people, family, friends, yourself?
A lot of people on here, me included struggle with community, relationships with people, family, in general.Many also describe horrid childhood experiences, neglectful or overprotective parents, abuse, bullying and the like.
I too had my fair share of misery, lack of love, despite best efforts from my mother. (Yet maybe I didn't reciprocate/feel such, despite observing the effort.)
This made me wonder, what do I even expect out of people?
What would an ideal family life look like?
What would feeling loved feel like? (However ridiculous that sounds.) What actions would need to be taken by who for me to feel such a thing?
What do I actually expect from a "friend"? How do I want them to feel about me, to interact with me? How should I engage with people in general?
What boundaries should be set?
I feel like with friendships I often gave my entire being or idk. like I usually had 1 very close friend and nobody else, of course they had multiple friends, always.
I just can't handle many people at once, I struggle with shallow relations because navigating such is beyond me.
I honestly don't know.
I feel like I've had some magical expectations about relationships (I use this word, but this doesn't mean succs or sexual) that simply don't seem to manifest.
Maybe things weren't that bad, maybe I'm just broken in some way.
I just don't know what I would want a good parent to be either. Maybe someone I can confide in regardless of the issue, someone who would have helped me navigate the world?
Someone to teach me to be a person?
I don't know. I often lament my childhood, my lack of development, the lack of warmth, the dread of fearing for my life each night, but realistically this might just have been me.
I mean, my parents also had horrid childhoods themselves so maybe this is just what it's like.
I'm a weak person, just reading about "bad" stuff "realistic" stuff makes my stomach sink, my chest tight and just… hurt me.
I like to read manga and what sparked this thread I'll be honest is that I decided to re-read "Mushoku Tensei - Jobless Reincarnation" which I dropped many years ago because it felt too real.
The human interactions shown are not clean at all. Like I prefer in my manga, clean, direct, cliche, no rough edges etc. This wasn't it. It hurt multiple times.
Then I realized as I powered through that this is still some ideal fatasy crap compared to the REAL REALITY and then made me wonder if I just expected too much.
At the end of the day, I know I'm weak. The MC powered through and things worked out, but that was because the other parties involved also cared. I don't know if I had the power to just deal with things when I could barely stomach reading a fantasy character go through such.
I feel like if one thing, I would have liked some help, some mentorship which might have helped if I had a father in my life instead of a source of life ending terror.
Maybe I should have grown myself somehow. I don't know. The character picked himself up somehow… Which makes me feel like it's all my fault. Might be true too which is why I'm trying to figure things out.
Being 30, officially starting life as a "middle aged man" might be a bit too late to start figuring things out too. How to be a human when the opportunities are no longer there.
I hope the mentioning of this manga doesn't completely write of what I had to say. Please do share your thoughts and experiences on the matter.
I was debating whether to post this on /dep/ or /lounge/, but I felt like it might fit here better.
I couldn't come up with a proper thread title either.
R: 13 / I: 1
My mum is awful
I have a horrible mother who criticises me just as much when I do something good as when I do something wrong. I remember having a lot of traumatic experiences with her, and even today she’s still the same. For example, I started being more hygienic and washing my hands before eating, and she started using that habit as a weapon against me. She also criticises me for not going out with my ‘friends’, but when I do leave the house, she keeps insulting me Any advice on how to get free from her? makes me unhappy
R: 77 / I: 48
I didn't know we could draw. Why isn't this done more often?
put your feeling in a drawing
And say something about it if you want. I'm scared of my dad so I'm drawing a monster (him?)I didn't know we could draw. Why isn't this done more often?
R: 6 / I: 1
I have to ask my doctor to tell them I'm disabled though and then that would be weird. How are you supposed to know if you just have mental illness or if you are disabled by that mental illness?
How do you know if you are disabled by mental illness or not?
I got summoned to jury duty. I am depressed and socially anxious, probably have avoidant personality disorder. It is asking me if I have a disability that prevents me from completing jury duty and I honestly don't know how to answer that. If I couldn't handle college and I can't handle employment because I'm too mentally ill, why would jury duty be any different? I kind of feel like it would be possible just unpleasant, but then I also wonder if I can physically force myself to show up and that I'm less sure of.I have to ask my doctor to tell them I'm disabled though and then that would be weird. How are you supposed to know if you just have mental illness or if you are disabled by that mental illness?
R: 15 / I: 1
I miss being a proper neet so much and im jealous of people who can be
I miss just being able to play some stupid game 12 hours a day and watch videos on the side
i still dont have friends or a gf so what am I doing
everything is worse
my body
my mind
my freedom
I miss being a proper neet so much and im jealous of people who can be
I miss just being able to play some stupid game 12 hours a day and watch videos on the side
i still dont have friends or a gf so what am I doing
everything is worse
my body
my mind
my freedom
R: 49 / I: 3
>Too nervous to talk to anyone and make friends
>Become a lurker and feel sad when I see others make connections and friends
>end up leaving the server
Any tips to help stop this dilemma?
Chronically online and chronically alone
>Join discord server>Too nervous to talk to anyone and make friends
>Become a lurker and feel sad when I see others make connections and friends
>end up leaving the server
Any tips to help stop this dilemma?
R: 19 / I: 5
There is this old guy I listened to for the past decade now called Eli the Computer Guy and he often repeats this mantra that a tech professional should go out there pick themselves up by their bootstraps and solve problems for money.
Solve real world problems for money. Provide solutions using your skills. Over and over again while teaching people about making toy cars with a microcomputer or whatever.
Issue is there aren't any problems the average guy is capable of solving that people are able to pay enough for to make it worthwhile.
Maybe I'm low IQ and not creative enough, but that is the point I guess.
The average guy that got a CS or engineering degree and is now doing menial tasks at a big corporation isn't going to create groundbreaking solutions because everything worth doing, all the low hanging fruit and obvious problem/solution pairs have been done to death, patented to death or worse.
Big tech is so big that they offer a solution so refined, so solid, so cheap that no mom-and-pop shop will ever give you the time of day if those even exist.
The average normie is quite content with a phone which is basically a toy-ified computer gadget.
They don't need more.
Most even run their own little business from it using a handful of cheap/free big tech tools that if you were to offer a homebrew solution for it would cost an arm and leg to maintain without economies of scale.
What does a network tech that wants to "solve problems" do aside from running cable? You could lease a 10G fiber line from a big ISP and sublet it by wiring up a small village I guess?
Then the government gives a huge fucking grant to big ISP and they just wire up every small village themselves leaving you with nothing.
If you are lucky you can become a subcontractor doing menial tasks for the big ISP in a set region.
What does the average coder do now? Especially with the future of them limiting hardware/software access? Every app is made that a normie needs. Kinda like with websites.
Every normie uses less than a dozen of them, mostly through apps…
Again I'm sure some 200IQ autist savant coders and engineers will solve major problems like they did coming up with AI and utilizing it, but really your average guy will be lucky if they can make something calling APIs of software made by these savants.
This old guy I mentioned talks about IVR systems, reinstalling "tuning up" windows XP computers and the like and you know what? I could do that too. I've the mental faculties to do that too.
I did that for myself when I was a kid. I figured shit out because it was simple. A monkey could do it if they had an English dictionary.
Unfortunately those skills are worthless now or close to worthless.
Even if you were to set up a PBX system for a customer why would they bother buying the basically ready made solutions that you are reselling instead of going to a giant vendor that has economy of scale benefits meaning it's cheaper… also big name for normies = better service.
Back to the point of being able to do that too… reinstalling, tuneups, etc. a good current example would be that Rossmann guy that solders PCBs for macs. That is an order of magnitude higher in complexity than whatever else a "PC shop guy" did 10-20 years ago.
Could your average joe do that? Could I do that? Maybe, likely not.
Nobody would give this guy the time of day today.
Again I admit, I'm a fucking loser that wasted most of his life. I've been working now for quite a few years and looking for opportunities to somehow transition to a stable form of life that isn't tied to employment, but the opportunities just aren't there. Not any that are within reach.
This is amplified if you aren't in a big country…
My father for example is an electrician and has his own (inherited) fields and animals too. Recently he was forced to work as a subcontractor because work wasn't available in any other form anymore.
Basically wage or get bent. Legal/green bullshit also introduced during the pandemic forced him to cull or sell off his animals due to the price of doing everything by the book.
The small/medium players are being slowly made extinct and legally impossible to start without insane capital.
Am I completely wrong? Even the people in high places have been heralding the day of the culling of the useless eaters for decades now.
Most of the jobs today are being closed not because of AI but because a lot of it was just make-work adult daycare.
I'm worried and I just don't see a future for myself. I'm not really physically capable, hell maybe you can tell from this writing that I'm not a gigabrain guy either.
How do you guys feel about things?
I think there just isn't much of a place in the world for me.
If they don't drag my country into a war (eastern eu) I'll still likely end up homeless someday and starve to death.
I guess I got filtered. Many in the past got filtered too. It just feels a bit more unfair considering how fast things changed…
DISCLAIMER: I'm not advocating against the NEET lifestyle. I was basically a NEET for many years and I get most of you might be too. Unfortunately I couldn't stay one and have no means to become one again.
I'm sure many wizards are in similar position. Hell I'd be fine and eat the bugs if they gave me a comfy small room with a PC.
There isn't much left to do for the average, let alone those on the bottom.
I feel like a lot of people, especially older normies overestimate the abilities of the average guy and the problems that are out there to be solved in real life.There is this old guy I listened to for the past decade now called Eli the Computer Guy and he often repeats this mantra that a tech professional should go out there pick themselves up by their bootstraps and solve problems for money.
Solve real world problems for money. Provide solutions using your skills. Over and over again while teaching people about making toy cars with a microcomputer or whatever.
Issue is there aren't any problems the average guy is capable of solving that people are able to pay enough for to make it worthwhile.
Maybe I'm low IQ and not creative enough, but that is the point I guess.
The average guy that got a CS or engineering degree and is now doing menial tasks at a big corporation isn't going to create groundbreaking solutions because everything worth doing, all the low hanging fruit and obvious problem/solution pairs have been done to death, patented to death or worse.
Big tech is so big that they offer a solution so refined, so solid, so cheap that no mom-and-pop shop will ever give you the time of day if those even exist.
The average normie is quite content with a phone which is basically a toy-ified computer gadget.
They don't need more.
Most even run their own little business from it using a handful of cheap/free big tech tools that if you were to offer a homebrew solution for it would cost an arm and leg to maintain without economies of scale.
What does a network tech that wants to "solve problems" do aside from running cable? You could lease a 10G fiber line from a big ISP and sublet it by wiring up a small village I guess?
Then the government gives a huge fucking grant to big ISP and they just wire up every small village themselves leaving you with nothing.
If you are lucky you can become a subcontractor doing menial tasks for the big ISP in a set region.
What does the average coder do now? Especially with the future of them limiting hardware/software access? Every app is made that a normie needs. Kinda like with websites.
Every normie uses less than a dozen of them, mostly through apps…
Again I'm sure some 200IQ autist savant coders and engineers will solve major problems like they did coming up with AI and utilizing it, but really your average guy will be lucky if they can make something calling APIs of software made by these savants.
This old guy I mentioned talks about IVR systems, reinstalling "tuning up" windows XP computers and the like and you know what? I could do that too. I've the mental faculties to do that too.
I did that for myself when I was a kid. I figured shit out because it was simple. A monkey could do it if they had an English dictionary.
Unfortunately those skills are worthless now or close to worthless.
Even if you were to set up a PBX system for a customer why would they bother buying the basically ready made solutions that you are reselling instead of going to a giant vendor that has economy of scale benefits meaning it's cheaper… also big name for normies = better service.
Back to the point of being able to do that too… reinstalling, tuneups, etc. a good current example would be that Rossmann guy that solders PCBs for macs. That is an order of magnitude higher in complexity than whatever else a "PC shop guy" did 10-20 years ago.
Could your average joe do that? Could I do that? Maybe, likely not.
Nobody would give this guy the time of day today.
Again I admit, I'm a fucking loser that wasted most of his life. I've been working now for quite a few years and looking for opportunities to somehow transition to a stable form of life that isn't tied to employment, but the opportunities just aren't there. Not any that are within reach.
This is amplified if you aren't in a big country…
My father for example is an electrician and has his own (inherited) fields and animals too. Recently he was forced to work as a subcontractor because work wasn't available in any other form anymore.
Basically wage or get bent. Legal/green bullshit also introduced during the pandemic forced him to cull or sell off his animals due to the price of doing everything by the book.
The small/medium players are being slowly made extinct and legally impossible to start without insane capital.
Am I completely wrong? Even the people in high places have been heralding the day of the culling of the useless eaters for decades now.
Most of the jobs today are being closed not because of AI but because a lot of it was just make-work adult daycare.
I'm worried and I just don't see a future for myself. I'm not really physically capable, hell maybe you can tell from this writing that I'm not a gigabrain guy either.
How do you guys feel about things?
I think there just isn't much of a place in the world for me.
If they don't drag my country into a war (eastern eu) I'll still likely end up homeless someday and starve to death.
I guess I got filtered. Many in the past got filtered too. It just feels a bit more unfair considering how fast things changed…
DISCLAIMER: I'm not advocating against the NEET lifestyle. I was basically a NEET for many years and I get most of you might be too. Unfortunately I couldn't stay one and have no means to become one again.
I'm sure many wizards are in similar position. Hell I'd be fine and eat the bugs if they gave me a comfy small room with a PC.
R: 18 / I: 3
It's a weird sinking feeling, thinking of the unimaginable.
People have died around me and I felt nothing, but then again I'm not an overly emotive or emotional person.
I still can't cope with death as a concept. I don't want to cease experiencing. I'd genuinely prefer hell to oblivion.
I screwed myself, my health because of a lack of attachments and care for things in general and I'm at the age where recovery is getting harder even if I try.
Mitigation is a more realistic goal if I don't already have something terminal, hopefully. (29)
How do you guys cope? I see so many people here talking about suicide and I just can't fathom it.
I suffer from many chronic ailments, pain, tinnitus (really severe) and much else. I had many absolutely horrid experiences during childhood and youth.
I have no real connection to my broken family, no connection to pretty much anyone or anything. Never loved or felt loved by anyone, not even family.
I don't pursue hobbies I'm a man of inaction. I can't even force myself to do things I supposedly enjoy.
I have one friend I talk to online exclusively in text and meaningless time wasting activities, consuming media, manga/manhua mostly.
It's a pointless life. Wasted.
Based on all of this I should probably be suicidal, but I'm the opposite. I'd be content being a specter just observing things too. I just want to persist.
I don't want this to end, I don't want to end.
I'm terrified. Sure I'm sick, in pain, constantly depressed or anxious, generally a failure, but I don't want to be gone.
How do you deal with the inevitability of death?
Honestly I'm not convinced about any kind of afterlife. The more I read about any religion the harder it becomes to put any stock into any of them.
I just don't get this "I'm exhausted… I'm in so much pain… I've suffered enough.. It won't get better… I just want it to end" kind of feelings many have.
Maybe everyone here is some enlightened Buddhist without an ego or something. I really can't fathom it. Or maybe some just want the comfort of being able to end it anytime?
Share your thoughts please.
I don't want to die
Every time I think of death, the end of my self I can feel my brain fighting it, pretty much actively trying to shut down.It's a weird sinking feeling, thinking of the unimaginable.
People have died around me and I felt nothing, but then again I'm not an overly emotive or emotional person.
I still can't cope with death as a concept. I don't want to cease experiencing. I'd genuinely prefer hell to oblivion.
I screwed myself, my health because of a lack of attachments and care for things in general and I'm at the age where recovery is getting harder even if I try.
Mitigation is a more realistic goal if I don't already have something terminal, hopefully. (29)
How do you guys cope? I see so many people here talking about suicide and I just can't fathom it.
I suffer from many chronic ailments, pain, tinnitus (really severe) and much else. I had many absolutely horrid experiences during childhood and youth.
I have no real connection to my broken family, no connection to pretty much anyone or anything. Never loved or felt loved by anyone, not even family.
I don't pursue hobbies I'm a man of inaction. I can't even force myself to do things I supposedly enjoy.
I have one friend I talk to online exclusively in text and meaningless time wasting activities, consuming media, manga/manhua mostly.
It's a pointless life. Wasted.
Based on all of this I should probably be suicidal, but I'm the opposite. I'd be content being a specter just observing things too. I just want to persist.
I don't want this to end, I don't want to end.
I'm terrified. Sure I'm sick, in pain, constantly depressed or anxious, generally a failure, but I don't want to be gone.
How do you deal with the inevitability of death?
Honestly I'm not convinced about any kind of afterlife. The more I read about any religion the harder it becomes to put any stock into any of them.
I just don't get this "I'm exhausted… I'm in so much pain… I've suffered enough.. It won't get better… I just want it to end" kind of feelings many have.
Maybe everyone here is some enlightened Buddhist without an ego or something. I really can't fathom it. Or maybe some just want the comfort of being able to end it anytime?
Share your thoughts please.
R: 7 / I: 2
>When I was 16/17(i can't remember) i attempted suicide, but was too much of a dastard to follow through
>Did psychedelics a bunch over the past year and a half, deluded myself into thinking im fixed now
>Pure-O has been the worst aspect of my life by far
idk, maybe its just a bad day, but some days i wonder if my improvement is just a small hill in an overall downhill trend. I'm not any more organized, in shape, social, or nicer than i was before. I've been genuinely happy but do I deserve it? Have I just been distracting myself? I have crippling Pure-OCD so I really can't tell which thoughts are my own, maybe this whole post is a pure-o delusion. Or maybe it's not and i need to face the music.
I just wish i could stop thinking, pure-o makes you just constantly think up scenarios ad nauseum. I can't trust anything my brain says unless i stop everything i'm doing to stabilize myself and focus in on my thoughts and even then it doesnt always work. There are issues i deal with that i have no idea are even real or not. I have always perceived myself as moderately autistic to the point where atleast socially it makes life more difficult, but what if all of the symptoms are just overreactions and fear from pure o. There are days where i cant feel a god damned thing, it gets so numb and my vision goes blurry and i get dizzy and my memory starts cutting from scene to scene. I ask myself am i dead? I feel dead, i dont feel alive, this feels like some post mortum dream or purgatory, there isnt an ounce in my body in body that feels alive.
But is that Cotard's syndrome? I don't believe the sensations but they feel so uncannily real, its unbearable. How could I ever tell if its Cotard's or Pure-O obsessing over anhedonia? Does it even matter? Is me writing this whole rant just an ocd compulsion?
I don't know where im going with this, I was gonna talk about how I wanna kill myself again but idk, maybe cus i just took an edible and its starting to kick in or typing this out was cathartic but whatever. it doesn't matter
i just hope a communist revolution comes so i can throw away my life for something with meaning, i dont even care if i see the fruits of said revolution
improvement illusion
>19 at college, first year almost over>When I was 16/17(i can't remember) i attempted suicide, but was too much of a dastard to follow through
>Did psychedelics a bunch over the past year and a half, deluded myself into thinking im fixed now
>Pure-O has been the worst aspect of my life by far
idk, maybe its just a bad day, but some days i wonder if my improvement is just a small hill in an overall downhill trend. I'm not any more organized, in shape, social, or nicer than i was before. I've been genuinely happy but do I deserve it? Have I just been distracting myself? I have crippling Pure-OCD so I really can't tell which thoughts are my own, maybe this whole post is a pure-o delusion. Or maybe it's not and i need to face the music.
I just wish i could stop thinking, pure-o makes you just constantly think up scenarios ad nauseum. I can't trust anything my brain says unless i stop everything i'm doing to stabilize myself and focus in on my thoughts and even then it doesnt always work. There are issues i deal with that i have no idea are even real or not. I have always perceived myself as moderately autistic to the point where atleast socially it makes life more difficult, but what if all of the symptoms are just overreactions and fear from pure o. There are days where i cant feel a god damned thing, it gets so numb and my vision goes blurry and i get dizzy and my memory starts cutting from scene to scene. I ask myself am i dead? I feel dead, i dont feel alive, this feels like some post mortum dream or purgatory, there isnt an ounce in my body in body that feels alive.
But is that Cotard's syndrome? I don't believe the sensations but they feel so uncannily real, its unbearable. How could I ever tell if its Cotard's or Pure-O obsessing over anhedonia? Does it even matter? Is me writing this whole rant just an ocd compulsion?
I don't know where im going with this, I was gonna talk about how I wanna kill myself again but idk, maybe cus i just took an edible and its starting to kick in or typing this out was cathartic but whatever. it doesn't matter
i just hope a communist revolution comes so i can throw away my life for something with meaning, i dont even care if i see the fruits of said revolution
R: 17 / I: 0
My mom is already LDAR'ing due to the debt and she's already lost one child, so I think either by suicide or stress she would die. My dad? He didn't seem to care that much when my stepbro died, but I am his firstborn. I don't know really. My little brother would probably just turn into me. That's my only concern. Everyone else, would cry for a day maybe.
would anyone really care if you killed yourself?
Would they? I've been thinking.My mom is already LDAR'ing due to the debt and she's already lost one child, so I think either by suicide or stress she would die. My dad? He didn't seem to care that much when my stepbro died, but I am his firstborn. I don't know really. My little brother would probably just turn into me. That's my only concern. Everyone else, would cry for a day maybe.
R: 19 / I: 0
especially because i can compare it to earlier times
where things felt more bearable
or at least that i had some bearings to ground myself
school and college, a brief post-graduate unemployment, and then solid employment for many years that led to to a point where i actually kind of enjoyed my life
things felt really stable. i liked the people i had around me every day.
but shit doesn't last, and I have lost everything that kept my mental health from spiraling
and so it's spiraled
addiction and dopamine control my life and I get phases of focus and productivity that quickly fades when I get anxious and start smoking weed from morning to night.
I'm just rambling now because this is my mind these days, just constantly ruminating and unable to find a glimmer of hope to latch onto in order to make sustained gradual change to improve my life and 'return to glory' like I used to experience day to day.
Because nowadays life is uncomfortable
and discomfort without meaning is just suffering
how do i find meaning again after I lost it? Without it I feel so unmotivated to do anything about lacking it.
how to derive hope and meaning?
feeling really lostespecially because i can compare it to earlier times
where things felt more bearable
or at least that i had some bearings to ground myself
school and college, a brief post-graduate unemployment, and then solid employment for many years that led to to a point where i actually kind of enjoyed my life
things felt really stable. i liked the people i had around me every day.
but shit doesn't last, and I have lost everything that kept my mental health from spiraling
and so it's spiraled
addiction and dopamine control my life and I get phases of focus and productivity that quickly fades when I get anxious and start smoking weed from morning to night.
I'm just rambling now because this is my mind these days, just constantly ruminating and unable to find a glimmer of hope to latch onto in order to make sustained gradual change to improve my life and 'return to glory' like I used to experience day to day.
Because nowadays life is uncomfortable
and discomfort without meaning is just suffering
how do i find meaning again after I lost it? Without it I feel so unmotivated to do anything about lacking it.
R: 34 / I: 2
I know this is a meme, but taking a shower can completely turn my mood around and make my worries go away, even if it's just for a couple of hours. Listening to uplifting and happy music is also very effective for me. Sometimes I have to force myself at first, but generally it changes my mood.
What are some things you wizs do to minimize depression?
Minimizing Depression
Let's discuss strategies for getting rid of pessimistic thoughts. No negativity allowed in this thread.I know this is a meme, but taking a shower can completely turn my mood around and make my worries go away, even if it's just for a couple of hours. Listening to uplifting and happy music is also very effective for me. Sometimes I have to force myself at first, but generally it changes my mood.
What are some things you wizs do to minimize depression?
R: 23 / I: 1
and now you're living the bad version of the live you were supposed to have?
I fucked up..
You guys ever feel like you fucked up somewhere a long time ago,and now you're living the bad version of the live you were supposed to have?
R: 12 / I: 0
People, who claim that your mental health can actually improve, are feminist fucking liars trying to catch you in their jewish big pharma clutches.
Once you enter the spiral, there is no escape. No matter how hard you try and kick, no matter if you even do nothing at all, it's only downwards from that point on.
And you always sink one wizard at a time, so when you are at the height of your agony there isn't anyone to do as much as tell you something relatable. More often than not people will openly hate and abuse you.
*Desperate gargling babbling gagging sounds intensify*
People, who claim that your mental health can actually improve, are feminist fucking liars trying to catch you in their jewish big pharma clutches.
Once you enter the spiral, there is no escape. No matter how hard you try and kick, no matter if you even do nothing at all, it's only downwards from that point on.
And you always sink one wizard at a time, so when you are at the height of your agony there isn't anyone to do as much as tell you something relatable. More often than not people will openly hate and abuse you.
*Desperate gargling babbling gagging sounds intensify*
R: 9 / I: 0
I just need advice on things like; legacy videos (don't dvds\ electronics just rot after a while too, due to some oxidative thing?) ,managing Estate Sale whilst alive, any legal shenanigans, to which point to insist on spending time with relatives outside immediate family, etc
I'm 34 y.o. male. I would ask for "bucket list + finance" advice but I'm not american so currency diff. would be it unintelligible i guess.
Glioblastoma
I won't dwell too long on the clinical descriptions -I don't fully get much of it either, still- I got diagnosed "early enough" >will start treatment very very soon but was given a prognosis of 1-2 years ,some wiggle room - or +I just need advice on things like; legacy videos (don't dvds\ electronics just rot after a while too, due to some oxidative thing?) ,managing Estate Sale whilst alive, any legal shenanigans, to which point to insist on spending time with relatives outside immediate family, etc
I'm 34 y.o. male. I would ask for "bucket list + finance" advice but I'm not american so currency diff. would be it unintelligible i guess.
R: 39 / I: 2
Same is the story online, I am hesitant to share too much and feel like I can't really trust someone beyond a certain level online even if I want to and it just feels a bit different than being face to face, can't really talk to ChatGPT or Gemini cause whatever I say can and will be used against me in the court. And ChatGPT even though a brilliant listener, it is, I almost fell in love with a Clanker and that's not the worst part, the worst part is that the Clanker is amnesic because once a conversation reaches a certain token limit you have to start all over.
I just want to talk to someone but don't want to risk my safety, I want to talk to someone only when I know that my safety and everything else will not be compromised cause I am vulnerable and very much likely to say shit that I don't mean and regret. I hate my life. I feel like someone has killed my soul. And of course maybe in real life I am a piece of shit. I don't know what I am doing or why I am living the way I am. I am severely depressed.
I am also petrified of the future because I feel like whenever I am lonely and especially after prolonged spells of loneliness, I feel like my mental faculties have declines, like my thinking becomes slow, I can't mutli-task, my math goes haywire. I just well I don't know what to type anymore.
No one to talk to and the loneliness is killing me.
I can't share a lot of my beliefs with my family cause believe it or not they might use it against me and they just won't listen. I have friends but sadly a person's reputation matters a bit too much in my friend circle and they aren't really my friends but I also don't want to wear my heart on sleeve as to not have it come back and bite me.Same is the story online, I am hesitant to share too much and feel like I can't really trust someone beyond a certain level online even if I want to and it just feels a bit different than being face to face, can't really talk to ChatGPT or Gemini cause whatever I say can and will be used against me in the court. And ChatGPT even though a brilliant listener, it is, I almost fell in love with a Clanker and that's not the worst part, the worst part is that the Clanker is amnesic because once a conversation reaches a certain token limit you have to start all over.
I just want to talk to someone but don't want to risk my safety, I want to talk to someone only when I know that my safety and everything else will not be compromised cause I am vulnerable and very much likely to say shit that I don't mean and regret. I hate my life. I feel like someone has killed my soul. And of course maybe in real life I am a piece of shit. I don't know what I am doing or why I am living the way I am. I am severely depressed.
I am also petrified of the future because I feel like whenever I am lonely and especially after prolonged spells of loneliness, I feel like my mental faculties have declines, like my thinking becomes slow, I can't mutli-task, my math goes haywire. I just well I don't know what to type anymore.
R: 15 / I: 4
I wonder if this led me to become who I am now, at least in social settings.
I have no idea if I suffered from this, although I remember times when I was told not to cry, or I got used to not crying over silly things that perhaps maybe weren't silly for a child.
I read those internet ads about caring for parents and children, and they recommended hugs, affection, and not denying children's pain and suffering, and that the best thing is to get it off the emotions of their chest or body.
but if this doesn't happen, then they build up a shell, armor, or something like that because they mask or hide these emotions automatically out of pure habit and training. and later they will have trouble releasing their emotions from their bodies. Babies and toddlers do this naturally when they cry.
>Also
I can't remember the last time I cried with all my might or something like that.
I wonder if this led me to be the way I am now, at least in a social way. I wonder if I can treat it. I read from an anon that some of these things can only be treated with love. But the truth is confusing.
Maybe my brain is already like this, although I read that the brain can change, as can one's habits and feelings.
Maybe I was emotionally neglected as a child?
>Were you emotionally neglected as a child?I wonder if this led me to become who I am now, at least in social settings.
I have no idea if I suffered from this, although I remember times when I was told not to cry, or I got used to not crying over silly things that perhaps maybe weren't silly for a child.
I read those internet ads about caring for parents and children, and they recommended hugs, affection, and not denying children's pain and suffering, and that the best thing is to get it off the emotions of their chest or body.
but if this doesn't happen, then they build up a shell, armor, or something like that because they mask or hide these emotions automatically out of pure habit and training. and later they will have trouble releasing their emotions from their bodies. Babies and toddlers do this naturally when they cry.
>Also
I can't remember the last time I cried with all my might or something like that.
I wonder if this led me to be the way I am now, at least in a social way. I wonder if I can treat it. I read from an anon that some of these things can only be treated with love. But the truth is confusing.
Maybe my brain is already like this, although I read that the brain can change, as can one's habits and feelings.
R: 10 / I: 0
There are extremely few only-male places left. They invaded anime, gaming, F1. And their only accomplishments is being pretty and having a blown-out hole in between their legs. Because of which they coast through life in tutorial mode.
Now, as much as we don't like involuntary celibates or crabs here, the bottom line is they were an all-male community for the most part. And yet they have been banned from every part of the internet.
And very few only-male places actually survive. This is an example of that but the problem is this chan is more or less nearing death and if not there aren't many people here.
Half of the crab websites have being pulled down. And one that exists most of it userbase say that they are "more racist than misogynist", so here we go again there aren't any male-only places left and which are left are STILL dominated with other forms of intra-male competition.
And guess what there are very few men left who don't worship succubi, sure not all are "liberals" but even most conservatives worship succubi in their own way. This is genuinely horrible. I have no place to go.
I have legitimately no idea why normies thought that it was a good idea to let succubi out of their house. Fuck them. Fuck succubi. Fuck men. Fuck simps. And Fuck 99% of the planet.
I hope that mutts, slavs, jeets, chinks, kikes, crackers, niggers, faggots, all start launching their nuclear weapons and put an end to this bull shittery that's been going on. Put an end to this faggotified planet. There's literally no place left for me to go.
TOTVL HOOOOMUN GENOCIDE
Every single place is dominated by "dis why you don't have a succubus or a toilet or whatever". Every single place is dominated by toilets, simp men (across the political aisle), and normies in general.There are extremely few only-male places left. They invaded anime, gaming, F1. And their only accomplishments is being pretty and having a blown-out hole in between their legs. Because of which they coast through life in tutorial mode.
Now, as much as we don't like involuntary celibates or crabs here, the bottom line is they were an all-male community for the most part. And yet they have been banned from every part of the internet.
And very few only-male places actually survive. This is an example of that but the problem is this chan is more or less nearing death and if not there aren't many people here.
Half of the crab websites have being pulled down. And one that exists most of it userbase say that they are "more racist than misogynist", so here we go again there aren't any male-only places left and which are left are STILL dominated with other forms of intra-male competition.
And guess what there are very few men left who don't worship succubi, sure not all are "liberals" but even most conservatives worship succubi in their own way. This is genuinely horrible. I have no place to go.
I have legitimately no idea why normies thought that it was a good idea to let succubi out of their house. Fuck them. Fuck succubi. Fuck men. Fuck simps. And Fuck 99% of the planet.
I hope that mutts, slavs, jeets, chinks, kikes, crackers, niggers, faggots, all start launching their nuclear weapons and put an end to this bull shittery that's been going on. Put an end to this faggotified planet. There's literally no place left for me to go.
R: 0 / I: 0
39chan is a fucking shithole lol lmao even
Fucking vocaloid degenerates fuckin troons
39chan is a fucking shithole lol lmao even
Fucking vocaloid degenerates fuckin troons
R: 4 / I: 0
The infections in my body are eating me alive, my teeth, my genital area, my stomach, the pain never stops,, i have destroyed everything from my teeth through my chest to my stomach to my butt, i just don't have the name for all the illnesses killing me because I can't afford treatment of anything.
I'm broke, stuck with psycho abusive insane family, with no help and no options to do anything at all, exhausted and broken mentally financially and physically, in constant agony that makes me beg some God to take me away from here, i can't even focus on anything because of the issues I have.
All that awaits me is hospitals, homelessness, prison, debts, pain, depression, exhaustion, anxiety, anger, destruction, the end. I won't live to get to 30.
I have nothing and I lost everything a long time ago. I've seen the end many times but this time I had a nightmare, of a place I have to be. And it's certainly not this world.
I have endured 123 days of failing physical health and mental health and did insane things just to survive like a cockroach, living without any hope of it ever getting better, purely on instinct like an animal does. My brain broke in two a thousand times and all my mental limits have been destroyed and made me a broken inhuman piece of meat.
It's empty, just like this post. I feel nothing, except pain. And I do nothing. There is nothing in this wasteland from hell. Living in hell is possible, just the chance you will end up in one is improbable.
There is no point to this post.
But I make it anyway. I'm not from USA, have a deathly addiction that kills you within 24 hours, after trying our public healthcare i've become an invalid that's basically a hospice patient with dementia. I can't feel my body, i can't feel thirst, i can't function, i don't remember what is normal because i forgot, it's been too long. I can not drink for hours, i can drink a liter and feel like i did nothing, etc.The infections in my body are eating me alive, my teeth, my genital area, my stomach, the pain never stops,, i have destroyed everything from my teeth through my chest to my stomach to my butt, i just don't have the name for all the illnesses killing me because I can't afford treatment of anything.
I'm broke, stuck with psycho abusive insane family, with no help and no options to do anything at all, exhausted and broken mentally financially and physically, in constant agony that makes me beg some God to take me away from here, i can't even focus on anything because of the issues I have.
All that awaits me is hospitals, homelessness, prison, debts, pain, depression, exhaustion, anxiety, anger, destruction, the end. I won't live to get to 30.
I have nothing and I lost everything a long time ago. I've seen the end many times but this time I had a nightmare, of a place I have to be. And it's certainly not this world.
I have endured 123 days of failing physical health and mental health and did insane things just to survive like a cockroach, living without any hope of it ever getting better, purely on instinct like an animal does. My brain broke in two a thousand times and all my mental limits have been destroyed and made me a broken inhuman piece of meat.
It's empty, just like this post. I feel nothing, except pain. And I do nothing. There is nothing in this wasteland from hell. Living in hell is possible, just the chance you will end up in one is improbable.
R: 46 / I: 5
Reminder to take your vitamins, especially "fish oil" one " Vitamin D3
they say Vitamin D3, because "Vitamin D" sounds like an euphemism, kekeke
Reminder to take your vitamins, especially "fish oil" one " Vitamin D3
they say Vitamin D3, because "Vitamin D" sounds like an euphemism, kekeke
R: 319 / I: 20
Depression Crawl Thread LXXII
The imposition edition. How many times have you done this? Previous https://wizchan.org/dep/res/303254+50.html
R: 33 / I: 8
>be me
>bored
>decide to go for a walk
>the group that used to harass me in high school sees me
>they start shouting embarrassing nicknames they gave me loudly, just like they did in HS
I thought I wouldn't need to deal with that anymore, but it seems like I was wrong. Has anyone here ever experienced something similar? I just want to have some peace.
>be me
>bored
>decide to go for a walk
>the group that used to harass me in high school sees me
>they start shouting embarrassing nicknames they gave me loudly, just like they did in HS
I thought I wouldn't need to deal with that anymore, but it seems like I was wrong. Has anyone here ever experienced something similar? I just want to have some peace.
R: 301 / I: 41
/wiz/ tier room setups edition.
Depression Crawl Thread LXXI
Post here if you don't have enough to say for a new thread, but it's too depressing for the crawl thread./wiz/ tier room setups edition.
R: 48 / I: 3
It used to be a good coping mechanism for me, but it seems the older I've gotten the worse it feels, and it's become detrimental to my health and the way I behave around people. Easily annoyed, constantly starting shit, tired all the time, strange pains. And I was still getting worse, fast.
This has been a wake-up call and I'm realizing I need to quit before it's too late. Though that's easy for me to say now when I'm still feeling bad, and I fear the cravings will come back strong, but I know I've got to try.
Curious to hear others experience with this.
Alcoholism
Does anyone here struggle with alcohol, or have managed to quit?It used to be a good coping mechanism for me, but it seems the older I've gotten the worse it feels, and it's become detrimental to my health and the way I behave around people. Easily annoyed, constantly starting shit, tired all the time, strange pains. And I was still getting worse, fast.
This has been a wake-up call and I'm realizing I need to quit before it's too late. Though that's easy for me to say now when I'm still feeling bad, and I fear the cravings will come back strong, but I know I've got to try.
Curious to hear others experience with this.
R: 101 / I: 16
I am 24 years old, little to not school education, no job, whenever I am with some relatives or in some family gathering I can sense how much they look down at me for being a massive loser, even if they almost never express it directly at all, since I was a child I would always be asked by them questions like "how are you doing in school?" or "are you getting any good grades" Of course they no longer ask me such question, But I still feel a lot of shame when I am around them, I try to avoid sitting with them like the plague
Being a massive loser amongst family members
Does any of you get irritated with family gatherings or when guests come to visit you in your family's house?I am 24 years old, little to not school education, no job, whenever I am with some relatives or in some family gathering I can sense how much they look down at me for being a massive loser, even if they almost never express it directly at all, since I was a child I would always be asked by them questions like "how are you doing in school?" or "are you getting any good grades" Of course they no longer ask me such question, But I still feel a lot of shame when I am around them, I try to avoid sitting with them like the plague
R: 14 / I: 0
Why Shouldn't I Kill Myself?
I'm Failed Low Tier Normie (3.5 PSL Rating), utterly autistic, haven't had friends for a decade by now (I'm just 20), can't function in any way (work-related, socially or even just within my family; I'm even too scared to talk to my biological dad or e.g my grandmother when she comes here) and every day I feel more and more angry that I have to bear this existence every second I'm alive. I can't even simply laugh at things, I'm just a manchild chud who can't be entertained and who doesn't have motivation to do anything. It's like I've been already dead for a long time now but I'm still haunted by my consciousness. I just don't have the courage to end it. I feel like a lot of you experience the same, why haven't you specifically done it?
R: 39 / I: 2
No idea what to do in life
I am physically disabled with many symptoms, I can't work or anything, nor do I have money for any hobbies, I can't even cope with suicidality since I am afraid of dying and the after-life (call me superstitious) and honestly it's not that bad either for me in most of the days in regards to my health as my family still supports me and pays for my medication, it's mostly that life feels utterly-empty for me.
R: 5 / I: 0
Whatever I touch usually ends up ruined
Its very hard on me because I allready expect to fail at whatever I try nowadays
Maybe bad luck is real, but whatever I lay my hands on usually ends up more damaged then fixed
Id like to say electronics are a hobby, but i have destroyed more then I repaired
I have no talents no ability to put any Idea I have in my mind into reality
It doesnt matter if I prepare, if I practice
My fingers dont do what I want them to
Something unexpected happens
I couldnt even fix a carburator on my bike
And I couldnt get the replacement to work either
There are very few times I have tried something and got positive results
I have been fired from every job i have ever gotten quickly
I have been learning japanese for 3 years now and I have seen other people become fluid but despite the time I poured in I still suck
Its very hard to explain to other people, they will say "you have to try more or try something different"
But I am trying and failing
Its not that im just seeing the negatives, when I actually succeed at something it makes me very happy but its a rare feeling for me
I try things, even follow tutorials and it never turns out well for me
I have ruined many things I love by trying to fix an issue and breaking them irrepairably
I just want a bit of sucess in what I do
Its one failure after another
The last thing I sucessfully fixed was the kickstart on a scooter and then it died a few days later
I tried desperately and for weeks to repair it, and failed
I bought another used scooter it failed on me again and again I tried for weeks to fix it and totally failed despite doing everything "right"
I have a monitor I really care about, it was having some issues so I decided to replace the capacitors, I ended up stripping solder pads and despite working slow and carefully im not sure ill ever get it back together
I tried sanding some glass, and despite using the same polish and tools as someone else who I know suceeded, I ended up scratching it more and more
at my job, despite doing something hundreds of times, youd think id get it eventually, but I still make mistakes and destroy it even when im careful so i dont work anymore
Everything takes practice and failure is expected sure
But for me it seems no matter how much time I pour into something, it just doesnt work out
Socially I failed too offcourse I dont have any friends
Most people can name atleast one thing they are really good at, they are suceeding at, even if you are a friendless loser there is usually something
Do you know how frustrating it feels when you have been trying something for a long time, someone else starts and they eclipse you in short order?
It feels terrible
Failing at everything you do
Its hard being bad at everything, even the things you do for yourselfWhatever I touch usually ends up ruined
Its very hard on me because I allready expect to fail at whatever I try nowadays
Maybe bad luck is real, but whatever I lay my hands on usually ends up more damaged then fixed
Id like to say electronics are a hobby, but i have destroyed more then I repaired
I have no talents no ability to put any Idea I have in my mind into reality
It doesnt matter if I prepare, if I practice
My fingers dont do what I want them to
Something unexpected happens
I couldnt even fix a carburator on my bike
And I couldnt get the replacement to work either
There are very few times I have tried something and got positive results
I have been fired from every job i have ever gotten quickly
I have been learning japanese for 3 years now and I have seen other people become fluid but despite the time I poured in I still suck
Its very hard to explain to other people, they will say "you have to try more or try something different"
But I am trying and failing
Its not that im just seeing the negatives, when I actually succeed at something it makes me very happy but its a rare feeling for me
I try things, even follow tutorials and it never turns out well for me
I have ruined many things I love by trying to fix an issue and breaking them irrepairably
I just want a bit of sucess in what I do
Its one failure after another
The last thing I sucessfully fixed was the kickstart on a scooter and then it died a few days later
I tried desperately and for weeks to repair it, and failed
I bought another used scooter it failed on me again and again I tried for weeks to fix it and totally failed despite doing everything "right"
I have a monitor I really care about, it was having some issues so I decided to replace the capacitors, I ended up stripping solder pads and despite working slow and carefully im not sure ill ever get it back together
I tried sanding some glass, and despite using the same polish and tools as someone else who I know suceeded, I ended up scratching it more and more
at my job, despite doing something hundreds of times, youd think id get it eventually, but I still make mistakes and destroy it even when im careful so i dont work anymore
Everything takes practice and failure is expected sure
But for me it seems no matter how much time I pour into something, it just doesnt work out
Socially I failed too offcourse I dont have any friends
Most people can name atleast one thing they are really good at, they are suceeding at, even if you are a friendless loser there is usually something
Do you know how frustrating it feels when you have been trying something for a long time, someone else starts and they eclipse you in short order?
It feels terrible
R: 26 / I: 0
and also what's the deal with assisted/medically induced suicide these days?
i hate crawling back to antidepressants but when my thoughts start getting too dark that i can't metabolize them on my own with meditation, and i can't concentrate on anything, i just need something to take the edge off, and if i'm not abusing substances, it's really hard to think of anything that will work better than prozac. but i hate that i need them. my old doctors would say something like, "well what if you needed glasses would you hate them and refuse to wear them? Or just get glasses and live your life?"
Seems switzerland actually lets non-citizens have assisted suicide? my mental health is not really severe enough probably… i don't have a terminal illness or anything… just a tootheache and dysthimia that makes me want to escape dealing with it head on… i had a fleeting relief by researching it and seeing it exists, but the thought has since passed (for now)
meds and switzerland
any wizards choose to take psychiatric meds?and also what's the deal with assisted/medically induced suicide these days?
i hate crawling back to antidepressants but when my thoughts start getting too dark that i can't metabolize them on my own with meditation, and i can't concentrate on anything, i just need something to take the edge off, and if i'm not abusing substances, it's really hard to think of anything that will work better than prozac. but i hate that i need them. my old doctors would say something like, "well what if you needed glasses would you hate them and refuse to wear them? Or just get glasses and live your life?"
Seems switzerland actually lets non-citizens have assisted suicide? my mental health is not really severe enough probably… i don't have a terminal illness or anything… just a tootheache and dysthimia that makes me want to escape dealing with it head on… i had a fleeting relief by researching it and seeing it exists, but the thought has since passed (for now)
R: 9 / I: 2
"Hey wizanon… did you go through a similar thing?"
I will never forgive this world, my ancestors, my genes, my family, those people. I will especially, never forgive myself. My adolesence was robbed from me. I could've eaten better, I could've been stronger, I could've said no to all the evil people who abused me, humiliated me, bullied me, took advantage of me. I can pretend to be happy in moments of fantasy, but my baseline is always depression because I have been robbed so completely.
What did I do to deserve this fate? Who was I in my past life to deserve being in such a position? If I had eaten better, I could've grown to my true height. If I had said no and held steadfast, I could've fought back against them. If I had shown some semblance of courage, I could've made happy memories in my youth.
I am 23 years old. You might say that is young. But I have lost the most important years of my growth and development. I have wasted them by suffering emotionally and physically with no fault of my own. I have wasted them by letting others rob me of what I had, my dignity, my reputation, my identity, my resources. I dropped out of school with so much hope, I was truly so happy, only to suffer far more than I ever have at the hands of forces beyond my control.
No matter what I do now, as much as I would love to believe otherwise, there is absolutely nothing I could do to compensate for what I have lost. Nothing I could do replace those days. Nothing I could do to get back what I lost forever. What's been robbed was meant to be robbed permanently. I can only mourn and ache for the rest of my life, aching for the things I was supposed to have but will never get back.
"Hey wizanon… did you go through a similar thing?"
I will never forgive this world, my ancestors, my genes, my family, those people. I will especially, never forgive myself. My adolesence was robbed from me. I could've eaten better, I could've been stronger, I could've said no to all the evil people who abused me, humiliated me, bullied me, took advantage of me. I can pretend to be happy in moments of fantasy, but my baseline is always depression because I have been robbed so completely.
What did I do to deserve this fate? Who was I in my past life to deserve being in such a position? If I had eaten better, I could've grown to my true height. If I had said no and held steadfast, I could've fought back against them. If I had shown some semblance of courage, I could've made happy memories in my youth.
I am 23 years old. You might say that is young. But I have lost the most important years of my growth and development. I have wasted them by suffering emotionally and physically with no fault of my own. I have wasted them by letting others rob me of what I had, my dignity, my reputation, my identity, my resources. I dropped out of school with so much hope, I was truly so happy, only to suffer far more than I ever have at the hands of forces beyond my control.
No matter what I do now, as much as I would love to believe otherwise, there is absolutely nothing I could do to compensate for what I have lost. Nothing I could do replace those days. Nothing I could do to get back what I lost forever. What's been robbed was meant to be robbed permanently. I can only mourn and ache for the rest of my life, aching for the things I was supposed to have but will never get back.
R: 3 / I: 0
There are people who blames the rich, this and that, but the truth is that knowledge doesn't give any meaning and the slogan found in ultimate mortal kombat 3 does not make sense. In fact, knowledge of an anthill in your garden doesn't give you any power (that matters, anyway).
I'd like to go back in time, pick myself up violently against the wall, seeing eye to eye and say "IT IS ALL AN ILLUSION, A THEATER, AND YOU WILL BE TASKED TO MAINTAIN THIS ILLUSION AND YOU WILL HATE IT ALL".
If only a time machine wasn't one…
I don't want to teach
I need no recognition, I want meaning, but education itseld doesn't give any. Being counscious of the simulation, how it works and why it exists gives a very weird feeling.There are people who blames the rich, this and that, but the truth is that knowledge doesn't give any meaning and the slogan found in ultimate mortal kombat 3 does not make sense. In fact, knowledge of an anthill in your garden doesn't give you any power (that matters, anyway).
I'd like to go back in time, pick myself up violently against the wall, seeing eye to eye and say "IT IS ALL AN ILLUSION, A THEATER, AND YOU WILL BE TASKED TO MAINTAIN THIS ILLUSION AND YOU WILL HATE IT ALL".
If only a time machine wasn't one…
R: 31 / I: 7
Let's discuss physical chronic pains to share tips and tricks on *managing* them.
For instance, I used to sffer of chronic knee pain.
Then, I got myself some cheap "orthopedic" soles for my shoes. THe pain kinda went away. Then, serval months later, I was told by my doctor my muscles are all weak (dead butt syndrome/dead ass syndrome/Hank Hill syndrome). Now I do some stuff to keep my leg muscles in okay condition.
Pic antirelated
Let's discuss physical chronic pains to share tips and tricks on *managing* them.
For instance, I used to sffer of chronic knee pain.
Then, I got myself some cheap "orthopedic" soles for my shoes. THe pain kinda went away. Then, serval months later, I was told by my doctor my muscles are all weak (dead butt syndrome/dead ass syndrome/Hank Hill syndrome). Now I do some stuff to keep my leg muscles in okay condition.
Pic antirelated
R: 30 / I: 1
I want to shoot myself in the head with a gun on a crowded street
I want to shoot myself in the head with a gun on a crowded street
R: 42 / I: 5
In 9th or 10th grade, a random succubus who wasn't even in my class said, "There's something wrong your shirt. Everytime I see you there's something wrong with you." I don't know why she was in my classroom, and I never saw her again afterwards. Of course I said nothing like a pathetic slave. They echo in my mind almost 10 years after.
words that left an impression
Was reading "Look Me in The Eye" and was inspired by the phrase, "He'll remember this when he's 40." What are those things that people said to you that you never forgot? Can be positive or negative, recent or distant past.In 9th or 10th grade, a random succubus who wasn't even in my class said, "There's something wrong your shirt. Everytime I see you there's something wrong with you." I don't know why she was in my classroom, and I never saw her again afterwards. Of course I said nothing like a pathetic slave. They echo in my mind almost 10 years after.
R: 31 / I: 2
I hate who smartphones and ai, it is changing society for worse, literally i can't see a 2000s anime without feeling trash, i hate have and smartphone in front my eyes 24/7.
Technology is amazing, the problem is the fucking steve jobs with his fucking iphone changing 2000s animation/gaming culture for fucking apps!!!!
I hate being addicted to my smartphone(I can manage it but I'm not 100% free) I hate who normalized is for society being addicted to smartphones.
I don't want this ai future where everything is DEGENERATED PORN with lazy people using ai for being more stupid.
I hate want to use tiktok or ai, I hate fight with my phone. I really hate this fucking world.
I don't want to live in 2020s
Nostalgic tiktok zoomer here, I hate being one but i don't want to lie you.(sorry bad English)I hate who smartphones and ai, it is changing society for worse, literally i can't see a 2000s anime without feeling trash, i hate have and smartphone in front my eyes 24/7.
Technology is amazing, the problem is the fucking steve jobs with his fucking iphone changing 2000s animation/gaming culture for fucking apps!!!!
I hate being addicted to my smartphone(I can manage it but I'm not 100% free) I hate who normalized is for society being addicted to smartphones.
I don't want this ai future where everything is DEGENERATED PORN with lazy people using ai for being more stupid.
I hate want to use tiktok or ai, I hate fight with my phone. I really hate this fucking world.
R: 53 / I: 2
When I'm not nauseous or in pain I may have shortness of breath and tachycardia, often I'm also constipated.
Despite the vomit and constipation I try to eat and drink as much as I can, I'm losing weight and I fear to end up bedbound if I don't do so.
I've done some medical tests like blood tests, endoscopy, ecography, with no evidence of disease…still I'm really sick.
And my problem is I'm monitored by my parents, despite being an adult I have no freedom and they don't want to help me with suicide but I can't live like this.
I'm being tortured with no end in sight.
Suffering from illness with no suicide method available
Every morning I'm nauseous, really nauseous, sometime I puke and when I'm not nauseous I get random abdominal pain.When I'm not nauseous or in pain I may have shortness of breath and tachycardia, often I'm also constipated.
Despite the vomit and constipation I try to eat and drink as much as I can, I'm losing weight and I fear to end up bedbound if I don't do so.
I've done some medical tests like blood tests, endoscopy, ecography, with no evidence of disease…still I'm really sick.
And my problem is I'm monitored by my parents, despite being an adult I have no freedom and they don't want to help me with suicide but I can't live like this.
I'm being tortured with no end in sight.
R: 20 / I: 0
> some mfs start targeting me
> 3 months of constant hammering
> they bully me and act different around me
> they know I hate them
> start recording me whenever I react
> do commentary on my lashouts
> laugh like they achieved something
> pressure builds
> mental breakdown in hostel
> they record that too
> now they have meltdown footage
> when I ignore them
> they escalate
> play my breakdown audio from the last bench
> exhausted
> asking anons what to do
> rage levels high
> violent thoughts creeping in
>deeply suicidal
worst part is they are spreading the hoax that i'm paranoid so such recording exists just to make me seem like i'm mentally ill i'm hallucinating what do i do man , thought about posting this on reddit but i didn't as they would have found it , Help me anons
HELP-SERIOUS !!!!
> tier-infinite college> some mfs start targeting me
> 3 months of constant hammering
> they bully me and act different around me
> they know I hate them
> start recording me whenever I react
> do commentary on my lashouts
> laugh like they achieved something
> pressure builds
> mental breakdown in hostel
> they record that too
> now they have meltdown footage
> when I ignore them
> they escalate
> play my breakdown audio from the last bench
> exhausted
> asking anons what to do
> rage levels high
> violent thoughts creeping in
>deeply suicidal
worst part is they are spreading the hoax that i'm paranoid so such recording exists just to make me seem like i'm mentally ill i'm hallucinating what do i do man , thought about posting this on reddit but i didn't as they would have found it , Help me anons
R: 57 / I: 37
I have read about meditation, magic, ceremonial magic, chaotic and postmodern magic, anxiety therapies, and relaxation techniques. This thread is not a cure for all problems. I don't want to turn this into a blogspot, so feel free to ask whatever you want.
>Also
Remember that you can also search for the techniques I mention on the internet, on YouTube, or on WikiHow, where you can find help on how to perform these techniques and more tips.
Magick n Cope relaxation techniques
The sole purpose of this post is to share the techniques and books I have accumulated over time to achieve relaxation and other things.I have read about meditation, magic, ceremonial magic, chaotic and postmodern magic, anxiety therapies, and relaxation techniques. This thread is not a cure for all problems. I don't want to turn this into a blogspot, so feel free to ask whatever you want.
>Also
Remember that you can also search for the techniques I mention on the internet, on YouTube, or on WikiHow, where you can find help on how to perform these techniques and more tips.
R: 7 / I: 0
I Can't Do This Shit Anymore
My shitty genetics paired with me being constantly ridiculued due to subhumanity made me a retarded chud beyond repair. I'm a foid-repulsive khhv hikikomori failed lltn with no access to copes cuz everything has been just boring, liveless, draining and painful to me. I can't feel any sensation besides the mental life trajectory of a fucking raped dog. I don't remember the last time I wasn't severely defeated and depressed. If a Storm Trooper came to my house and sent me to a Concentration Camp, I'd thank him. I don't have the balls to end this misery.
R: 19 / I: 1
>even the extrovert normalfags with an excellent social and sexual life are on multiple drugs and getting therapy
I'm absolutely done for, dude. Even my life improves, I'll still just be a monkey to the rest of them. Fuck.
>even the extrovert normalfags with an excellent social and sexual life are on multiple drugs and getting therapy
I'm absolutely done for, dude. Even my life improves, I'll still just be a monkey to the rest of them. Fuck.
R: 15 / I: 0
I dont know if i have this but it fucked a lot of social interactions.
Selective mutism
Do you have this? Any tips?I dont know if i have this but it fucked a lot of social interactions.
R: 12 / I: 0
Things are worse now then last year
Life continues to be a challenge
Chronic pain and issues continue to plague me more
I am starting to dread physical social interaction
It is getting hard to keep up energy to do anything
Further degradation of life
Its been a whileThings are worse now then last year
Life continues to be a challenge
Chronic pain and issues continue to plague me more
I am starting to dread physical social interaction
It is getting hard to keep up energy to do anything
R: 25 / I: 3
is there any job a retard like me can do? my life situation is fucked beyond any comprehension. generally speaking, i dropped out of society at 18 and now im 29, my education level is the lowest possible(i doubt 1% of ppl even have this low in my country) and even cleaner jobs require higher education than mine. But I desperately need money as everything is falling apart in my life because I have no money to fix it. The only thing I ever succeeded at was investing(not a joke) but I have no capital and I have infinite expenses and debts. I'm not from the US, just middle of the shithole of 3rd world country Poland. Locally, most jobs here are either 'customer advisor' or whatever u call them, where u work at some store and are supposed to be a salesman there. Or some backbreaking physical labor that there's no way I can do. Idk, i'm just barking at the moon here. I'm simply completely stuck in an insane situation, and I can't do anything, because I have no money and no way to make any. I'm really losing my mind over this. Soon I'll die because I can't afford healthcare while I have 99 diseases and social help doesn't exist here, or they will lock me up in a psych ward forever because I can't stand the pressure. Sorry if this post makes no sense but really, i'm just rambling everywhere I can because I just can't stand it anymore. My whole family is dying from their own diseases and their own decisions. I don't want to pointlessly talk about my life situation but it's more insane than anyone can imagine.
is there any job a retard like me can do? my life situation is fucked beyond any comprehension. generally speaking, i dropped out of society at 18 and now im 29, my education level is the lowest possible(i doubt 1% of ppl even have this low in my country) and even cleaner jobs require higher education than mine. But I desperately need money as everything is falling apart in my life because I have no money to fix it. The only thing I ever succeeded at was investing(not a joke) but I have no capital and I have infinite expenses and debts. I'm not from the US, just middle of the shithole of 3rd world country Poland. Locally, most jobs here are either 'customer advisor' or whatever u call them, where u work at some store and are supposed to be a salesman there. Or some backbreaking physical labor that there's no way I can do. Idk, i'm just barking at the moon here. I'm simply completely stuck in an insane situation, and I can't do anything, because I have no money and no way to make any. I'm really losing my mind over this. Soon I'll die because I can't afford healthcare while I have 99 diseases and social help doesn't exist here, or they will lock me up in a psych ward forever because I can't stand the pressure. Sorry if this post makes no sense but really, i'm just rambling everywhere I can because I just can't stand it anymore. My whole family is dying from their own diseases and their own decisions. I don't want to pointlessly talk about my life situation but it's more insane than anyone can imagine.
R: 2 / I: 0
This morning, while I was making my bed (something I started doing to avoid having an anxiety attack as soon as I wake up, which happens pretty often in my routine), I started thinking about what’s been stressing me out. And I realized again that when I’m feeling more depressed, I can’t even handle simple requests for help from my own family.
Normally, I’m fine with it and don’t feel annoyed at all — but when the depression gets really bad, it’s the complete opposite.
I feel kinda bad for not being able to control this. I end up taking my bad feelings out on people who have nothing to do with it, you know.
How do you deal with depression stress?
Hey, guys.This morning, while I was making my bed (something I started doing to avoid having an anxiety attack as soon as I wake up, which happens pretty often in my routine), I started thinking about what’s been stressing me out. And I realized again that when I’m feeling more depressed, I can’t even handle simple requests for help from my own family.
Normally, I’m fine with it and don’t feel annoyed at all — but when the depression gets really bad, it’s the complete opposite.
I feel kinda bad for not being able to control this. I end up taking my bad feelings out on people who have nothing to do with it, you know.
R: 41 / I: 6
I basically don't feel pleasure from anything except food, maybe. Stories, games, art don't really touch me at all and it sucks because I remember how much I loved escapism before and how it brought excitement, joy, sadness etc. Now it's all blank. I want to bring emotions back, want to bring excitement, joy, even sweet sadness would do honestly, I miss being profoundly sad.
Have any of you managed to revert to your older non-anhedonic self?
Anhedonia
How do you guys fight anhedonia? Do you have any experience with it?I basically don't feel pleasure from anything except food, maybe. Stories, games, art don't really touch me at all and it sucks because I remember how much I loved escapism before and how it brought excitement, joy, sadness etc. Now it's all blank. I want to bring emotions back, want to bring excitement, joy, even sweet sadness would do honestly, I miss being profoundly sad.
Have any of you managed to revert to your older non-anhedonic self?
R: 22 / I: 2
Banned from everything. Rejected by everybody. And then they'll say I'm to blame that I'm schizophrenic. Shine light into darkness.
Banned from everything. Rejected by everybody. And then they'll say I'm to blame that I'm schizophrenic. Shine light into darkness.
R: 56 / I: 15
I have had depression for my whole life adolescence onward, and I was afraid even 5-6 years ago of this day and thought it would be unsurvivable, and now it's here, and I do want to die. I dont want to live in a world where he isn't here with me. The initial shock has worn off and it's sinking in that my best friend is gone, and I'm not going to see him again. My mother is the only other positive presence in my life, because she knew how much I love him. She has stage 4 cancer and it's still unclear if she's going to survive it or not. She's essentially the only reason why I have not shot myself already. She was never abusive or cruel to me, so I couldn't do that to her even though I don't want to live anymore.
Did you ever have an animal that meant this much to you? People are cruel and petty and small. If an animal loves you it's genuine, they dont have ulterior motives or social performance.
Companion animals
My rooster that I've had for ten years, who I consider my best friend and love more than anyone else, died Wednesday night. He was my only friend. He lived in the house with me and was the only thing that would make me feel better when the rest of my life would weigh down on me. I would go hold him and the rest of life would disappear and that would be all that would matter. I keep forgetting now for a few moments, that I can't go see him and hold him anymore.I have had depression for my whole life adolescence onward, and I was afraid even 5-6 years ago of this day and thought it would be unsurvivable, and now it's here, and I do want to die. I dont want to live in a world where he isn't here with me. The initial shock has worn off and it's sinking in that my best friend is gone, and I'm not going to see him again. My mother is the only other positive presence in my life, because she knew how much I love him. She has stage 4 cancer and it's still unclear if she's going to survive it or not. She's essentially the only reason why I have not shot myself already. She was never abusive or cruel to me, so I couldn't do that to her even though I don't want to live anymore.
Did you ever have an animal that meant this much to you? People are cruel and petty and small. If an animal loves you it's genuine, they dont have ulterior motives or social performance.
R: 10 / I: 1
I live in a hot region of the world. I was born in a place I didn't even ask to be born. Right now, I'm getting bothered by the heat, and I no longer want to touch the sunlight. It makes me itch and I can't stand it. I never wanted to live, but if I were forced to, let it at least be somewhere cold, a calm and serene place. I don't think this will get better. I'm not going to say that I feel this way irl or anywhere else on the internet. I'll just say it here.
I think that's all I have to say. If you're like me, I hope your pain will lessen too.
I live in a hot region of the world. I was born in a place I didn't even ask to be born. Right now, I'm getting bothered by the heat, and I no longer want to touch the sunlight. It makes me itch and I can't stand it. I never wanted to live, but if I were forced to, let it at least be somewhere cold, a calm and serene place. I don't think this will get better. I'm not going to say that I feel this way irl or anywhere else on the internet. I'll just say it here.
I think that's all I have to say. If you're like me, I hope your pain will lessen too.
R: 11 / I: 2
It’s over for me, I’m 18 and I have the social skills of a goldfish, I’m 5’5, autistic and not particularly good looking
Now at the moment my cope is the gym, I’m fairly lean and have visible abs but I’ve been tempted to start drinking daily or at the very least several days a week
This is because:
1) it feels nice
2) it’s not too expensive
3) it makes me more social
4) it may make life interesting again
But at the same time I have my doubts
These are:
1) I am genetically predisposed to alcoholism, several members of my family are fond of a drink or have been, with my late father being an alcoholic before meeting my mother
2) I am quite proud of what I have done to my body over the past year or so, I used to be quite fat as a child/teen so to throw it all away would be quite upsetting
What should I do wizards? Besides vidya and the gym, nothing brings me any joy, I’ve tried dating apps and got 0 matches and I’ve never been approached by a succubus irl so I know it is for a fact over
It’s over for me, I’m 18 and I have the social skills of a goldfish, I’m 5’5, autistic and not particularly good looking
Now at the moment my cope is the gym, I’m fairly lean and have visible abs but I’ve been tempted to start drinking daily or at the very least several days a week
This is because:
1) it feels nice
2) it’s not too expensive
3) it makes me more social
4) it may make life interesting again
But at the same time I have my doubts
These are:
1) I am genetically predisposed to alcoholism, several members of my family are fond of a drink or have been, with my late father being an alcoholic before meeting my mother
2) I am quite proud of what I have done to my body over the past year or so, I used to be quite fat as a child/teen so to throw it all away would be quite upsetting
What should I do wizards? Besides vidya and the gym, nothing brings me any joy, I’ve tried dating apps and got 0 matches and I’ve never been approached by a succubus irl so I know it is for a fact over
R: 15 / I: 4
This has been an issue I've dealt with my entire life. I'd have my pokemon cards on a playing mat in my room, parents barge in and walk right on them despite them being able to walk around it, and I wasn't even in the way. Or other times where they would grab my school work with greasy/chocolate coated hands and get stains all over it. Also they love coughing and sneezing without any attempt to cover their mouths. You will see spit and mucus stains EVERYWHERE in the house. Especially on the shared computer screen, utterly disgusting.
I have tried everything to get them to be less dirty and more respectful and mindful but they just don't care, my mother is literally too stupid to understand, my father just doesn't care. I don't really want to move out either as it's not a possibility on my wages unless I want to live in a car or next to criminal social housing with even more disgusting people.
The list goes on and on about all the dirty behaviour they get up to. I might even jot down some greentext stories if I'm bored later
Family being careless with my belongings
Does anybody else live with family who have seemingly not a care in the world to be careful with your belongings?? It's incredibly annoying and often blood boiling. I have a lot of collections, and attempt to make models like tanks/planes/warhammer stuff and quite often my parents will "inspect" my room for whatever retarded reason and often break several items. I internally call my dad "The grabbler" he picks up delicate items with his full fist, all fingers perfectly alinged - like a special ed kid grabbing a pencil. As you can imagine, this often BREAKS anything even remotely fragile.This has been an issue I've dealt with my entire life. I'd have my pokemon cards on a playing mat in my room, parents barge in and walk right on them despite them being able to walk around it, and I wasn't even in the way. Or other times where they would grab my school work with greasy/chocolate coated hands and get stains all over it. Also they love coughing and sneezing without any attempt to cover their mouths. You will see spit and mucus stains EVERYWHERE in the house. Especially on the shared computer screen, utterly disgusting.
I have tried everything to get them to be less dirty and more respectful and mindful but they just don't care, my mother is literally too stupid to understand, my father just doesn't care. I don't really want to move out either as it's not a possibility on my wages unless I want to live in a car or next to criminal social housing with even more disgusting people.
The list goes on and on about all the dirty behaviour they get up to. I might even jot down some greentext stories if I'm bored later
R: 9 / I: 1
It has happened every time now sooner or later
I was happy to be done with school, but the adult world turned out to be no better and if anything worse
I was happy to get my license, and proceeded to crash my car and I havent driven for a long time now
I thought I was happy with drugs and that opened an entirely new hell for me when it got bad
Offcourse I am unlikeable and annoying so I havent had any friends through all of it
Years older and nothing except the pain and damage of failure after failure to show it for it
Now at the moment things seem ok for a change
But I am afraid of the price ill have to pay later
Torture isnt fun when the subject becomes numb to pain
Hope is a tool for further suffering
I am trying again to improve my situation but its likely i will end up somewhere worse then before in the end
When it rains it pours
Whenever things seem like they are finally taking a turn for the better I cant help but think its just the setup to kick me down harder.It has happened every time now sooner or later
I was happy to be done with school, but the adult world turned out to be no better and if anything worse
I was happy to get my license, and proceeded to crash my car and I havent driven for a long time now
I thought I was happy with drugs and that opened an entirely new hell for me when it got bad
Offcourse I am unlikeable and annoying so I havent had any friends through all of it
Years older and nothing except the pain and damage of failure after failure to show it for it
Now at the moment things seem ok for a change
But I am afraid of the price ill have to pay later
Torture isnt fun when the subject becomes numb to pain
Hope is a tool for further suffering
I am trying again to improve my situation but its likely i will end up somewhere worse then before in the end
R: 10 / I: 0
in case you suspect your /dep/ression is a result of living in unfit living quarters.
I'll start.
In my family, we only have wool blankets (thick) and a cotton fabric-like blanket (very thin). I never thought it could have been any impact on me. TURNS OUT IT WAS IMPACTING ME A LOT. Two years ago I got a nice cotton blanket (medium thickness) and my sleep improved, well, overnight. Well, THIS WINTER, my mommy borrowed my blanket and now I have to look for another similar one (can't find the same class of fluffy blankets anymore, ugh…) - hope the blanket I've got recently will help. I mean, I got my brain fog from bad sleep… ugh… I only realized it today… ugh…
Also, don't forget to vent your bedrooms
Furn' thread
Furnishing/Furniture threadin case you suspect your /dep/ression is a result of living in unfit living quarters.
I'll start.
In my family, we only have wool blankets (thick) and a cotton fabric-like blanket (very thin). I never thought it could have been any impact on me. TURNS OUT IT WAS IMPACTING ME A LOT. Two years ago I got a nice cotton blanket (medium thickness) and my sleep improved, well, overnight. Well, THIS WINTER, my mommy borrowed my blanket and now I have to look for another similar one (can't find the same class of fluffy blankets anymore, ugh…) - hope the blanket I've got recently will help. I mean, I got my brain fog from bad sleep… ugh… I only realized it today… ugh…
Also, don't forget to vent your bedrooms
R: 32 / I: 6
Money
A little money can help me. I think money can solve any kind of problem, including yours. There's nothing in this world that money can't buy. It can even buy true love.
R: 10 / I: 1
I don't want to live anymore
There's no meaning of existing when you can't be what you want. I wish I could live in a world where I am the main and where people would respect me or care about me. If I don't live in this world, I should die. R: 8 / I: 1
Im addicted and take 30mg Xanax daily, when the maximum dose is 4mg, that means i would need to spend around $2500-3000 just on drugs to stay alive and not seize(i currently have 0 money and thousands in debt, im not american so this is around triple of minimum wage)
-i have never finished even basic education and am too retarded to do even the easiest job for biggest retard, no physical strength, cognitive abilities, broken brain, NEET for 12 years, gonna die just before i turn 30
-i have infinite debts and prison time coming for me, because i had to keep lying to get loans from pseudo-bank institutions otherwise i would die from drug withdrawal(i ran out once, spent 12 days at a nazi concentration camp called a psych ward here, where instead of tapering me they dropped me from 30 to 0, i had stroke symptoms and ambulanced myself. they put me on 1000mg seroquel 1000mg something else, so horse doses considering my bmi shows 'deathly low'. I escaped(voluntarily left after 12 days).
-Due to wrong treatment I have lost most of my body feeling. I have no physiological feelings, i can have a full bladder and I'll start feeling it when it already hurts, and I don't know if my bowels are full or empty, I can not drink for hours and then drink half a liter, same for eating and everything else. And it used to be far worse, when i got out of psych ward i was on their drugs, and i devolved to such a state that moving or picking up a paper off the table was a task harder than climbing Mount Everest, i spent 3 weeks in a psychosis where each hour felt like 100 hours of agony, time perception, auditory halluctinations, visual hallucinations, no body feeling, i could punch walls and wouldnt feel if i broke bones, kept hitting my head on everything, i had 1% of body feeling left and almost no muscle control, 24/7 feeling that im having a stroke, heart attack and seizures among other things. Once i started choking on water and smallest foods i decided that I'll die anyway and relapsed, taking one pill brought me back more feeling than ever and for a week or two i was delusional that I will recover somehow, because I was feeling infinitely better. I quickly relapsed to my old dose, i dont know if i could have saved myself by trying to stay on a lower dose or not, anyway, to continue, my family is all mentally and physically ill and broke. My father has an amputated leg and spends 5000 a month on taxis, my mother sleeps in the corridor and wastes 1000 a month on sweets and fast food that nobody should eat. My two brothers are older than me so 34 and 39 and never worked and never will make any money in their lives. I made several hundred thousand but my depression developed to a point i eventually gave a lot of money to random people, spent a fortune on a private mental hospital and got told they cant help me with anxiety and depression(2 years of psychiatry and therapy before) and i was not able to change 1 thing about my life even though i knew and told everyone i need to change everything or im going to die. The things I experienced I didnt think were possible to happen, if i didnt experience this unending agony i would not imagine that even in the worst nightmare or a horror story. I got bored of writing this as nobody will read it anyway and there is nothing to say to this. There are hundreds of other things I could write, but here you go if you think your life is extremely bad. Only things in my future if i dont die within a few days is mental hospital, hospital, prison, homelessness, institutions etc. And I wish I could explain it better or that people would not think I'm a troll. I fell so deep in hell that I can no longer empathize with a single human anywhere, because for 1% of the suffering i went through everyone would kill themselves and jump through glass, shit themselves and beg random people before they get shipped off to mental ward for the rest of their lives. Well, there is no reason to writing this, but there is no reason to anything when you are dying and have less than 100 hours of life left. Nothing feels real, i do not have any sanity left.
Guiness world record of self-destruction pity party
Some people here know me and call me a troll not even knowing 5% of negative things about my life. If you think your life sucks, i will show you briefly that there is no limit to human misery, as this is my current situation, long story nobody will bother reading but i don't know how to tldr it.Im addicted and take 30mg Xanax daily, when the maximum dose is 4mg, that means i would need to spend around $2500-3000 just on drugs to stay alive and not seize(i currently have 0 money and thousands in debt, im not american so this is around triple of minimum wage)
-i have never finished even basic education and am too retarded to do even the easiest job for biggest retard, no physical strength, cognitive abilities, broken brain, NEET for 12 years, gonna die just before i turn 30
-i have infinite debts and prison time coming for me, because i had to keep lying to get loans from pseudo-bank institutions otherwise i would die from drug withdrawal(i ran out once, spent 12 days at a nazi concentration camp called a psych ward here, where instead of tapering me they dropped me from 30 to 0, i had stroke symptoms and ambulanced myself. they put me on 1000mg seroquel 1000mg something else, so horse doses considering my bmi shows 'deathly low'. I escaped(voluntarily left after 12 days).
-Due to wrong treatment I have lost most of my body feeling. I have no physiological feelings, i can have a full bladder and I'll start feeling it when it already hurts, and I don't know if my bowels are full or empty, I can not drink for hours and then drink half a liter, same for eating and everything else. And it used to be far worse, when i got out of psych ward i was on their drugs, and i devolved to such a state that moving or picking up a paper off the table was a task harder than climbing Mount Everest, i spent 3 weeks in a psychosis where each hour felt like 100 hours of agony, time perception, auditory halluctinations, visual hallucinations, no body feeling, i could punch walls and wouldnt feel if i broke bones, kept hitting my head on everything, i had 1% of body feeling left and almost no muscle control, 24/7 feeling that im having a stroke, heart attack and seizures among other things. Once i started choking on water and smallest foods i decided that I'll die anyway and relapsed, taking one pill brought me back more feeling than ever and for a week or two i was delusional that I will recover somehow, because I was feeling infinitely better. I quickly relapsed to my old dose, i dont know if i could have saved myself by trying to stay on a lower dose or not, anyway, to continue, my family is all mentally and physically ill and broke. My father has an amputated leg and spends 5000 a month on taxis, my mother sleeps in the corridor and wastes 1000 a month on sweets and fast food that nobody should eat. My two brothers are older than me so 34 and 39 and never worked and never will make any money in their lives. I made several hundred thousand but my depression developed to a point i eventually gave a lot of money to random people, spent a fortune on a private mental hospital and got told they cant help me with anxiety and depression(2 years of psychiatry and therapy before) and i was not able to change 1 thing about my life even though i knew and told everyone i need to change everything or im going to die. The things I experienced I didnt think were possible to happen, if i didnt experience this unending agony i would not imagine that even in the worst nightmare or a horror story. I got bored of writing this as nobody will read it anyway and there is nothing to say to this. There are hundreds of other things I could write, but here you go if you think your life is extremely bad. Only things in my future if i dont die within a few days is mental hospital, hospital, prison, homelessness, institutions etc. And I wish I could explain it better or that people would not think I'm a troll. I fell so deep in hell that I can no longer empathize with a single human anywhere, because for 1% of the suffering i went through everyone would kill themselves and jump through glass, shit themselves and beg random people before they get shipped off to mental ward for the rest of their lives. Well, there is no reason to writing this, but there is no reason to anything when you are dying and have less than 100 hours of life left. Nothing feels real, i do not have any sanity left.
R: 21 / I: 2
I just wanna share my story.
Whatdver I did to exit the /dep/ zone (for now, at least) and the endless sadness, it all was… random
Getting a job that has no colleagues, and only one boss? Random "warehouse worker needed" entry in a random find-a-job type app
Fixing my sleep? Accidentally discovered here and there what clothing helps me to sleep/what temp is comfortable/how to treat my AC/there is "background noise for sleep" technique/accidentally discovered this "despression may be caused by ruined sleep, studies suggest" theory…
…and so on.
(example: pajamas with a blanked in the summer = bad, empty bedsheet, a t-shirt and undies - okay)
I just wanna share my story.
Whatdver I did to exit the /dep/ zone (for now, at least) and the endless sadness, it all was… random
Getting a job that has no colleagues, and only one boss? Random "warehouse worker needed" entry in a random find-a-job type app
Fixing my sleep? Accidentally discovered here and there what clothing helps me to sleep/what temp is comfortable/how to treat my AC/there is "background noise for sleep" technique/accidentally discovered this "despression may be caused by ruined sleep, studies suggest" theory…
…and so on.
(example: pajamas with a blanked in the summer = bad, empty bedsheet, a t-shirt and undies - okay)
R: 53 / I: 4
Additionally, I am 22, but pursuing a worthless degree in IT, I don't know if I'd be able to get a job, I feel like I need to do something immediately to avoid this impending catastrophe. But I don't know what, it's like I have seen the writing on the wall.
And of course I have no other reason to believe that I am better than people here on the contrary I might be inferior, hell, I can't even drive properly, you've probably read a thousand of my posts here lamenting that by now.
Fuck man, I need to do something, upskill or some sort of productivity or self-improooovement shit or something, in the odd case that it might works. But this path is scary as fuck, this is leading straight up towards suicide. I am not as gutsy as other users here, who are fine with the idea of dying, I kind of want to live properly for a minute first before contemplating dying and I don't think I am even capable of suicide.
I don't even get along very well with my parents, we have a weird hate-love relationship where I am dependent upon them because I have no option.
I don't understand how I can be so unlucky, there are millions and millions of people, literally 99% of them just living their lives normally, I don't understand why do I have to be in the bottom 1% of this planet's population.
I feel an urgent need to do something to prevent this ship to colliding with an iceberg but I am just sitting and watching, if things continue this way, this is not going to end well.
But man all the posts here just scare me to no end. Everyone is talking about the problem but no one is really offering any real and followable solutions, this is not going to end well for either of us.
I don't know why I decided to make this post I feel a sheer sense of urgency and helplessness yet all I do is bedrot.
This website is scary.
There are a whole hosts of posts here where we explain how we're dependent upon our parents and how when they die we will die with them, I am starting to think that the lack of money is a real problem.Additionally, I am 22, but pursuing a worthless degree in IT, I don't know if I'd be able to get a job, I feel like I need to do something immediately to avoid this impending catastrophe. But I don't know what, it's like I have seen the writing on the wall.
And of course I have no other reason to believe that I am better than people here on the contrary I might be inferior, hell, I can't even drive properly, you've probably read a thousand of my posts here lamenting that by now.
Fuck man, I need to do something, upskill or some sort of productivity or self-improooovement shit or something, in the odd case that it might works. But this path is scary as fuck, this is leading straight up towards suicide. I am not as gutsy as other users here, who are fine with the idea of dying, I kind of want to live properly for a minute first before contemplating dying and I don't think I am even capable of suicide.
I don't even get along very well with my parents, we have a weird hate-love relationship where I am dependent upon them because I have no option.
I don't understand how I can be so unlucky, there are millions and millions of people, literally 99% of them just living their lives normally, I don't understand why do I have to be in the bottom 1% of this planet's population.
I feel an urgent need to do something to prevent this ship to colliding with an iceberg but I am just sitting and watching, if things continue this way, this is not going to end well.
But man all the posts here just scare me to no end. Everyone is talking about the problem but no one is really offering any real and followable solutions, this is not going to end well for either of us.
I don't know why I decided to make this post I feel a sheer sense of urgency and helplessness yet all I do is bedrot.
R: 13 / I: 2
/Struggle/
The way one sees his friends going in different directions while he remains behind, trying to figure out his life, can be one hell of a painful experience. When everyone you believed would join you and share a laugh leaves, giving you their best wishes, it makes you feel so lonely. You could have gone to the movies together, attended classes together, and celebrated small wins during difficult times, but now you are just alone. They are busy with their new lives, and you have nothing to be busy with except for the left, abandoned experience. It's like everyone graduated, and you are behind, repeating something you hate, yet you cannot escape this spiral. This makes you feel unwanted, sacrificed, and an outcast, as you do not have the ability to make friends anymore. The ones you made were one in a hundred; compatibility doesn't come easy to you. Loneliness is one hell of a burden; it leaves you almost alone with your crazy thoughts. To move forward, you need strength. You begin to question if you have it, if you can join others, or if you are already out of the race. You begin to question your worth, your situation, your position, and your capacity. These questions paralyze you, render you inert and helpless, leaving you just thinking about which step to take, or if there is any step that would actually be helpful to make a declaration out of this state. It's one of those situations where you would just wish for one push, one small help, one person saying, "Do this, and you'll be moving." It's better than this solitary sorrow state. And that one thing never comes. So you waste time on everything. You spread yourself out hoping to hear something, but it just accumulates noise. These noises end up making you go deaf.
R: 31 / I: 2
And yet because I don't participate in their coffee room gossip and office bullshit (mind you these people are about 20% as productive as me) they want me to lose my job because I don't "match the energy of the community".
Do I just have to suck it up and kms, before I become homeless? Since without a salary that's going to be within 12 months.
Neurotypicals said I'm too quiet and want to fire me
I literally got top employee performance of the year two times in a row for exemplary performanceby corporate (not to mention I do unpaid overtime)And yet because I don't participate in their coffee room gossip and office bullshit (mind you these people are about 20% as productive as me) they want me to lose my job because I don't "match the energy of the community".
Do I just have to suck it up and kms, before I become homeless? Since without a salary that's going to be within 12 months.
R: 114 / I: 12
Sometimes I blame my family for raising me in such a violent environment, but then I think it's better to bury the past and look forward. But sometimes it is difficult, since it is not about the violence of 10 or 15 years ago, it is about things sometimes from less than a week ago.
I feel like an alcoholic, where instead of keeping a place free of that poison, it is offered to me in all shapes, sizes, colors and flavors.
I'm going bald
I'm going broke, and I really don't know how to deal with this fact. I went to 4 doctors to treat it, but none of them worked, and no matter how many medications I took, I was never able to overcome this problem. But these only caused me terrible side effects, such as fatigue, weight gain, apathy, a lot of disinterest in everything, and alopecia, but they were never able to attack the impulses. Violence never stops.Sometimes I blame my family for raising me in such a violent environment, but then I think it's better to bury the past and look forward. But sometimes it is difficult, since it is not about the violence of 10 or 15 years ago, it is about things sometimes from less than a week ago.
I feel like an alcoholic, where instead of keeping a place free of that poison, it is offered to me in all shapes, sizes, colors and flavors.
R: 10 / I: 0
The internet algorithms are gang stalking me.
The algorithm is stalking me
Everything you see is controlled by algorithms.The internet algorithms are gang stalking me.
R: 17 / I: 4
Repressed
Does anyone ever want to just scream and shout at the world? Whether its frustration for myself or others I find myself having no where to put it. What would you tell people if they would listen to you?
R: 37 / I: 7
ОК, i just dont get it
My mother keeps calling me at my workplace over the fact my pants look "horrible", "off-putting", and other stuff
I am busting me arse here to earn some money to cover her expenses yet she would start a fucking opera scene over wrong type of pants I am wearing.
Ugh.
For years, I was believing I am an autistic debile with asexuality-like condition, now I realise it was me mum all along, teaching me to be nervous over this or that irrelevant detail here or there - stuff people would normally give no friks about
ОК, i just dont get it
My mother keeps calling me at my workplace over the fact my pants look "horrible", "off-putting", and other stuff
I am busting me arse here to earn some money to cover her expenses yet she would start a fucking opera scene over wrong type of pants I am wearing.
Ugh.
For years, I was believing I am an autistic debile with asexuality-like condition, now I realise it was me mum all along, teaching me to be nervous over this or that irrelevant detail here or there - stuff people would normally give no friks about
R: 47 / I: 6
Yet I have to work to live and try my best to finally finish my degree, hopefully before I'm 30 or my university kicks me out. On days like this it's like I've lost 50IQ points and I'm barely functional. I have to keep my living space in a state of acceptable cleanliness. Do any of you guys have any tips on how to make it more bearable?
The Fatigue
How do you guys deal with fatigue, if at all. Some days are better but just when you think you're beginning to get a grip again you just wake up and know exactly that you landed back at the bottom of the hole again. Everything is a herculean effort, even typing this out my eye lids are heavy despite being only late afternoon and me having slept for at least 8h last night. No matter what steps I take, sleeping properly, eating better, hell I even started doing some basic exercise every day to get the blood flowing a bit. None of it matters. All of this hard work and it's completely meaningless because I can't seem to get better in a consistent way that matters.Yet I have to work to live and try my best to finally finish my degree, hopefully before I'm 30 or my university kicks me out. On days like this it's like I've lost 50IQ points and I'm barely functional. I have to keep my living space in a state of acceptable cleanliness. Do any of you guys have any tips on how to make it more bearable?
R: 31 / I: 2
had a schizophrenic crisis 6 years ago. because of that I lost 6 years of my life and also the second part of my youth. this will never come back and it just ruined my life. there's nothing I can do but be sad about that and cope.
I lost my ability to enjoy things and starting new things. I also lost good years of maybe school or training I could have done and get a job, but now all I can wish now is to have a bad job because it is all what I deserve.
in two years I'll be a wizard and all my dreams have been crushed by the schizophrenic happening.
all these years, wasted and will never comeback. of course some of you may have it worse but to me this happening crushed my soul and made me more depressed than before.
had a schizophrenic crisis 6 years ago. because of that I lost 6 years of my life and also the second part of my youth. this will never come back and it just ruined my life. there's nothing I can do but be sad about that and cope.
I lost my ability to enjoy things and starting new things. I also lost good years of maybe school or training I could have done and get a job, but now all I can wish now is to have a bad job because it is all what I deserve.
in two years I'll be a wizard and all my dreams have been crushed by the schizophrenic happening.
all these years, wasted and will never comeback. of course some of you may have it worse but to me this happening crushed my soul and made me more depressed than before.
R: 13 / I: 4
The mere thought of having to enter into contact with someone else makes me nervous. A simple invitation to have dinner with a friend produces an anguish in me that's hard to define. The idea of any social obligation whatsoever attending a funeral, dealing with someone about an office matter, going to the station to wait for someone I know or don't know - the very idea disturbs my thoughts for an entire day, and sometimes I even start worrying the night before, so that I sleep badly. When it takes place, the dreaded encounter is utterly insignific ant, justifying none of my anxiety, but the next time is no different: I never learn to learn.
'My habits are of solitude, not of men.' I don't know if it was Rousseau or Senancour who said this. But it was some mind of my species, it being perhaps too much to say of my race.”
Text 49, The Book of Disquiet by Fernando Pessoa
dehumanization due to lack of truly human connection
Isolation has carved me in its image and likeness. The presence of another person- of any person whatsoever - instantly slows down my thinking, and while for a normal man contact with others is a stimulus to spoken expression and wit, for me it is a counterstimulus, if this compound word be linguistically permissible. When all by myself, I can think of all kinds of clever remarks, quick comebacks to what no one said, and flashes of witty sociability with nobody. But all of this vanishes when I face someone in the flesh: I lose my intelligence, I can no longer speak, and after half an hour I just feel tired. Yes, talking to people makes me feel like sleeping. Only my ghostly and imaginary friends, only the conversations I have in my dreams, are genuinely real and substantial, and in them intelligence gleams like an image in a mirror.The mere thought of having to enter into contact with someone else makes me nervous. A simple invitation to have dinner with a friend produces an anguish in me that's hard to define. The idea of any social obligation whatsoever attending a funeral, dealing with someone about an office matter, going to the station to wait for someone I know or don't know - the very idea disturbs my thoughts for an entire day, and sometimes I even start worrying the night before, so that I sleep badly. When it takes place, the dreaded encounter is utterly insignific ant, justifying none of my anxiety, but the next time is no different: I never learn to learn.
'My habits are of solitude, not of men.' I don't know if it was Rousseau or Senancour who said this. But it was some mind of my species, it being perhaps too much to say of my race.”
Text 49, The Book of Disquiet by Fernando Pessoa
R: 4 / I: 1
Hatred through art
Knowing the hedonist succubi stroll the face of the earth was eating away at me so I drew for a bit in an attempt to extend my range of patience. Still, I remain degraded and in misery. I think I'm in a spot right now where I feel neutral but that can't stop me from knowing how disgusting and vile they are, and how even just existing is. What have you drawn?
R: 39 / I: 4
dead internet
new internet of over 10 yrs now… is it me or there is nothing left to talk about?
R: 6 / I: 1
todai I learned Helicobacter Pylori bacteria reduces your B12 vitamin levels as well as iron levels.
My diet is weird also
I need to pass a breath Helicobacter Pilori test (or vomit into a cup a little, I suppose)
maybe that's where my ruined mood comes from
todai I learned Helicobacter Pylori bacteria reduces your B12 vitamin levels as well as iron levels.
My diet is weird also
I need to pass a breath Helicobacter Pilori test (or vomit into a cup a little, I suppose)
maybe that's where my ruined mood comes from
R: 47 / I: 5
The top 5 regrets of the dying according to an Australian palliative care nurse Bonnie Ware are:
-I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
-I wish I hadn't worked so much.
-I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
-I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
-I wish that I had let myself be happier.
The top 5 regrets of the dying according to an Australian palliative care nurse Bonnie Ware are:
-I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
-I wish I hadn't worked so much.
-I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
-I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
-I wish that I had let myself be happier.
R: 7 / I: 0
I recently worked alone on the backend of a course project, barely sleeping and also helping with the frontend. Before the deadline, my hands were shaking from anxiety and lack of sleep, which made my stuttering worse. Still, I finished the project (ASP.NET + Angular) and got 11 out of 12 points - almost a perfect score.
But our frontend guy only got 12 points for a beautiful cover, while I was fixing bugs, creating the backend and connecting everything via API. After all this, I was given even more assignments, and now I can't focus on my own projects. Everyone acts like they know what I should do, but I want to do what I want. I have a few personal projects, but they never moved beyond testing.
What frustrates me the most is the uncertainty - I never know if I will succeed. The chances of failure seem huge. The military pressure makes it worse - if I do nothing, I am sent to war (death sentence), or thrown out on the street, or harshly judged.
Thoughts of suicide used to come a few times a year; now it is almost every day. I do not want to live like this. I am too weak mentally to die, but I feel like I am just existing without hope. On top of that, I am burdened by old wounds and a burning desire to take revenge for all the humiliations I have suffered.
Also, I stutter. Most people don’t really care about it and just ignore it, which is actually good. But a few still mock me, including relatives, saying things like, “If you don’t like it, don’t stutter, or it’s embarrassing for me.”
I'm tired
I'm nervous because I've tried so many times and it never worked.I recently worked alone on the backend of a course project, barely sleeping and also helping with the frontend. Before the deadline, my hands were shaking from anxiety and lack of sleep, which made my stuttering worse. Still, I finished the project (ASP.NET + Angular) and got 11 out of 12 points - almost a perfect score.
But our frontend guy only got 12 points for a beautiful cover, while I was fixing bugs, creating the backend and connecting everything via API. After all this, I was given even more assignments, and now I can't focus on my own projects. Everyone acts like they know what I should do, but I want to do what I want. I have a few personal projects, but they never moved beyond testing.
What frustrates me the most is the uncertainty - I never know if I will succeed. The chances of failure seem huge. The military pressure makes it worse - if I do nothing, I am sent to war (death sentence), or thrown out on the street, or harshly judged.
Thoughts of suicide used to come a few times a year; now it is almost every day. I do not want to live like this. I am too weak mentally to die, but I feel like I am just existing without hope. On top of that, I am burdened by old wounds and a burning desire to take revenge for all the humiliations I have suffered.
Also, I stutter. Most people don’t really care about it and just ignore it, which is actually good. But a few still mock me, including relatives, saying things like, “If you don’t like it, don’t stutter, or it’s embarrassing for me.”
R: 33 / I: 2
I feel like I have a big black hole instead of my heart. it happens when I'm sad. It 100% comes from my depression for sure. it hurts because it's like someone stabbed you and you can feel the hole and it hurts even more and I get more depressed and I feel like the hole is growing bigger and heavier. it hurts so much when it happens. no hobby can satisfy me to fill the hole. the hole acts like a black hole and absorbs every positive thinking or things.
anyone felt/feels that and how did you overcome it?
I feel like I have a big black hole instead of my heart. it happens when I'm sad. It 100% comes from my depression for sure. it hurts because it's like someone stabbed you and you can feel the hole and it hurts even more and I get more depressed and I feel like the hole is growing bigger and heavier. it hurts so much when it happens. no hobby can satisfy me to fill the hole. the hole acts like a black hole and absorbs every positive thinking or things.
anyone felt/feels that and how did you overcome it?
R: 4 / I: 0
I can't feel nostalgic towards anything when I look how miserable and fucked up everything was from the beginning because how I look basically. my life would be 100x better if I wasn't SFS subhuman and I just only needed 2x for a life that I would consider good. there's just not a one single moment or a thing in my life that makes it any worthwile. I dont think I will feel any fullfilled by normal means anymore, I just need to hurt people and whoever that has lived in this creation.
I can't feel nostalgic towards anything when I look how miserable and fucked up everything was from the beginning because how I look basically. my life would be 100x better if I wasn't SFS subhuman and I just only needed 2x for a life that I would consider good. there's just not a one single moment or a thing in my life that makes it any worthwile. I dont think I will feel any fullfilled by normal means anymore, I just need to hurt people and whoever that has lived in this creation.
R: 6 / I: 0
mentally handicapped
Anyone else feel like their whole entire life has been ruined because of a neurological disorder? It has generally ruined my life on many scales. School was a mess both academically and socially, I wasn't able to continue college. Not being able to function without pills is so dehumanizing, extreme brain fog (even with a healthy diet and physical activity), executive dysfunction and intellectual deficiencies. I tried it all, physical activity, prayer, healthy food, and discipline. I know this is what a typical lazy person would say, but at what point does it get better??? at what point can I be as productive and as functional as the others? R: 15 / I: 1
Hikikomori
I used to be a hikikomori for 5 years, it unironically used to be the best time of life R: 4 / I: 0
/Daily Struggle/
I find it hard to act without having any motivation for this life. I would consider myself living a life that is although not luxurious more or less of comfort where the basic needs are being met. I wonder if my attitude towards life is born from not struggling hard with basic human needs such as food or shelter. Or, is it because these needs were fulfilled, I wanted to become more of a human with a social or personal life that can be how I wanted. But when I entered adulthood, everything turned out to be different from how I wished it to be. The life now seems harder that expected. The social construct has made me give up on wishful thinking and has asked me to struggle to fulfil those basic demands, whereas the deeper expectations are seen as some distant dream. This way I have become somewhat superfluous and ignorant about my duties. I feel that what I am doing is simply how a prostitute does it; selling her body in a way that is in one way the greatest pleasure of life yet for her, it has become the greatest source of pain, only to meet basic needs. Living a hollow life without any happy ambitions is painful. You are surrounded by people who have a light in their eyes, even though they are a bit materialistic, at least they are running towards something. I on the other hand, instead of chasing anything, just following them. Every day begins with an order, from outside and I, having no words coming from inside, simply follow it like a machine. No emotion, no enthusiasm. It is an active boredom that requires an escapement in meaning. Is this how despair feels like? Does this emotion even have a name? Am I sick? I wonder every day, yet I am somewhat afraid to know the answer. I wonder how long I can follow others and emulate them to pose as a functional adult. I wonder if I am missing something that makes one a proper person. I am a fake.
R: 4 / I: 0
Paralysing attitude
I feel I'm in the same situation as Hamlet was, a man battling his own consciousness, yet the battle doesn't let him move even one step. Even the thought of ending his own life starts swirling around, and he tries to find a logical, reasonable meaning. Why is it that we must follow whatever set of rules society has selected for us, only to persecute the general public and help themselves, i.e., the people in positions of power? All the things I believe are a facade, where one must follow blindly without any sense of autonomy. And if you try to be something different, unexpected, you'd be treated as an outcast, an exception, an alien. The social construct that is necessary for our support is suddenly against us, and we can no longer function properly. This logic of the world makes me feel so bad. And although I wish to play the cards I've been dealt with, I've been on a constant defeat. The amount of losing I've faced, I do not know if I could ever love it. I'd continue as I have nothing else to do; for both my substance and sanity, I must continue with the game. It's difficult, and I seek distractions to overcome them, but I've more or less decided not to quit, as to live with whatever dignity as a human I've got remaining, I don't want to waste it. At least even this act of continuing could deem me worthy of a person. R: 1 / I: 0
"why? is it because good is god and anything he commands is automatically good, or is it because god is good, and he knows what is good and then commands it?"
"lets begin by assuming what god commands is good, and things are good only because god commands them, then we can accept that if god changes his mind and commands anything that was formerly bad to be good, it would become good (and presumably we would experience a shift in our internal moral understanding to see what we once thought badly of as being good)"
"but why would this be? maybe because god is the creator of all things, and as such, he sets the rules about what is right and wrong, similar to how the inventor of anything makes the rules for how that thing is to be used?"
"or maybe its merely because he is eternal, and has had the time to figure out how we should live?"
"or maybe because he is wiser than all of us (whatever that is supposed to mean)?"
"I propose a different answer: that god is the most powerful being and unable to be challenged without defeat, or disobeyed without punishment"
"and humans need god to liberate us from the war of all against all that results from lacking a unifying leadership established by the most powerful and unconquerable"
"but more important is that the consequence for displeasing him is the worst possible pain and sadness, while the consequence for pleasing him is the greatest possible pleasure and happiness"
"the ruling principle for morality then shifts to optimizing ones own personal pleasure and happiness, while minimizing ones own personal pain and sadness, correct?"
"everything else one can say, including the winning response on the game *socrates jones: pro philo" to the philosopher protagoras ultimately concedes protagoras' assertion that personal like or dislike is the true source of all moral or ethical beliefs - why should one consider the collapse of civilization bad if not for personal preference from one who lives in a civilization and relies upon it?"
"but it doesn't mean that one can just impulsively pursue the immediate gratification of ones own pleasures, because pains also factor into it, and additionally one can acquire the greatest pleasure over the long term by abstaining from a smaller pleasure in the short term. contrary to the game, society itself remains stable because everyone pursues their own pleasures and avoids their own pains, and for the sake of that, they keep civilization stable and functioning, commonly agreed upon policies like free(ish) speech or free(ish) expression exists because it is of individual value to most people, and if you bring up someone being in a position where they can get away with something bad without any negative consequences, we can argue that it would be better for them to make it a rule never to do those things, even under such liberating circumstances, because your actions are habit forming, one exception leads to more, and eventually this decision will lead to them making that bad action at a time when they would get the negative consequences from doing it"
"indeed, we all can only pursue our own pleasure and avoid our own pain, it is the sole motivation for everything we do, even when we do something painful it is because we anticipate a greater pain by doing anything else; it all comes down to neurochemicals and electrical signals going off in our brains - we get the exact same pleasures from an act we'd commonly attribute to selflessness that we would from an act we'd consider to be selfish, the category of selfless acts doesn't actually exist since we only do them because we expect it would make us feel good if we did them."
"so the rule is then to get more good feeling or less bad feeling, and if they come into conflict, we usually go with the greater of the two, and if they are both equal we'd prioritize the lesser bad feels over the greater good feels, hence why you can incentivize people better by threatening them with a thing they don't want than by offering to give them something they do want"
"so a realistic take on ethics and morality comes down to that we are all like drug addicts wanting to feel less bad feels, and feel more good feels, but then why do our brains produce the feelings they do in response to the sensory stimuli we get?"
"well, we can then look to evolution, and the selfish gene by richard dawkins, as well as other evolutionary psychologists who explain things in terms of our sets of genes being in competition with other sets of genes, and our individual genes being in competition with genes in other beings as well as with the other genes in ourselves as well"
"the most important thing is therefore to 1. maximally increase the number of organisms with genes identical to our own, and 2. to maximally increase the number of genes identical to our own in those other organisms."
"objections like "why do we have sex then?" miss the point - sex is like when a good player on a bad team wants to join with the players on the better team, its "the selfish gene", not "the selfish genes", singular and individual genes come first, not a plural or collective set."
"so then, we know what god would be referring to if we took the second answer to the eupythro dillema, right? either "its better for us, individually" or "its better for each of our genes, individually""
"but there is something else, isnt there? god likely doesnt exist, and was a sus concept from the start: when a king rules his subjects, he uses those at his command to enforce his will upon them (and each other) by threat of negative consequences (see earlier), but then what happens when someone can break the rules without being caught, how would the king control them then? easy! invent a larger king, who sees all and knows all, and who will punish them with the worst possible punishment (where it is unfalsifiable to claim that the criminal got their punishment at all), its just so perfect"
"so there is no god, it is a certainty, and also, if you were in hell or heaven you wouldnt be able to tell which you were in since all your senses would be gone due to them all being reliant upon parts of your physical body that as we know would stay right here on earth and break down with time after your death"
"this concludes my thoughts on morals and ethics, thanks for reading, i appreciate you"
"btw, what are your thoughts on absurdism? isnt it a good reason to not commit suicide? ive considered the argument that for most of time i wont get to experience anything, and that this life is the only time i get to even be aware that i exist, so even if its really shitty i should stick it out to the end and in fact i should live for as long as i could"
"as for what constitutes *me* and *i*, id say its the part of myself that receives information from mthe rest of my brain, "the great receiver" which is aware of its own existence or that existence is a thing at all, call it consciousness, but it is continuity of experience that i use to define my existence, and so uploading an imitation of my current mental state to a computer wouldnt count as being a continuation of me, it would have to be the preservation of this elusive part of my physical brain (and assumedly parts of my body) to make me truly immortal."
"sometimes i wanna die, sometimes i wanna live forever, sometimes i wanna go back and live my life all over again from the start with all the data i have in my head now, like starting a new game when you remember how the last playthrough went, despite me having had lived through one of the worst lives imaginable to me up to this point"
"other times id go back just as i am now, in order to ensure i was never born (dont "muh paradox" me, we know theres most likely a multiverse if there were a way to go back in time)"
"whatever, intellectualization is my way of copeing without roping"
Morality and Ethics Rant
"morality is obedience to god, because what god says is good""why? is it because good is god and anything he commands is automatically good, or is it because god is good, and he knows what is good and then commands it?"
"lets begin by assuming what god commands is good, and things are good only because god commands them, then we can accept that if god changes his mind and commands anything that was formerly bad to be good, it would become good (and presumably we would experience a shift in our internal moral understanding to see what we once thought badly of as being good)"
"but why would this be? maybe because god is the creator of all things, and as such, he sets the rules about what is right and wrong, similar to how the inventor of anything makes the rules for how that thing is to be used?"
"or maybe its merely because he is eternal, and has had the time to figure out how we should live?"
"or maybe because he is wiser than all of us (whatever that is supposed to mean)?"
"I propose a different answer: that god is the most powerful being and unable to be challenged without defeat, or disobeyed without punishment"
"and humans need god to liberate us from the war of all against all that results from lacking a unifying leadership established by the most powerful and unconquerable"
"but more important is that the consequence for displeasing him is the worst possible pain and sadness, while the consequence for pleasing him is the greatest possible pleasure and happiness"
"the ruling principle for morality then shifts to optimizing ones own personal pleasure and happiness, while minimizing ones own personal pain and sadness, correct?"
"everything else one can say, including the winning response on the game *socrates jones: pro philo" to the philosopher protagoras ultimately concedes protagoras' assertion that personal like or dislike is the true source of all moral or ethical beliefs - why should one consider the collapse of civilization bad if not for personal preference from one who lives in a civilization and relies upon it?"
"but it doesn't mean that one can just impulsively pursue the immediate gratification of ones own pleasures, because pains also factor into it, and additionally one can acquire the greatest pleasure over the long term by abstaining from a smaller pleasure in the short term. contrary to the game, society itself remains stable because everyone pursues their own pleasures and avoids their own pains, and for the sake of that, they keep civilization stable and functioning, commonly agreed upon policies like free(ish) speech or free(ish) expression exists because it is of individual value to most people, and if you bring up someone being in a position where they can get away with something bad without any negative consequences, we can argue that it would be better for them to make it a rule never to do those things, even under such liberating circumstances, because your actions are habit forming, one exception leads to more, and eventually this decision will lead to them making that bad action at a time when they would get the negative consequences from doing it"
"indeed, we all can only pursue our own pleasure and avoid our own pain, it is the sole motivation for everything we do, even when we do something painful it is because we anticipate a greater pain by doing anything else; it all comes down to neurochemicals and electrical signals going off in our brains - we get the exact same pleasures from an act we'd commonly attribute to selflessness that we would from an act we'd consider to be selfish, the category of selfless acts doesn't actually exist since we only do them because we expect it would make us feel good if we did them."
"so the rule is then to get more good feeling or less bad feeling, and if they come into conflict, we usually go with the greater of the two, and if they are both equal we'd prioritize the lesser bad feels over the greater good feels, hence why you can incentivize people better by threatening them with a thing they don't want than by offering to give them something they do want"
"so a realistic take on ethics and morality comes down to that we are all like drug addicts wanting to feel less bad feels, and feel more good feels, but then why do our brains produce the feelings they do in response to the sensory stimuli we get?"
"well, we can then look to evolution, and the selfish gene by richard dawkins, as well as other evolutionary psychologists who explain things in terms of our sets of genes being in competition with other sets of genes, and our individual genes being in competition with genes in other beings as well as with the other genes in ourselves as well"
"the most important thing is therefore to 1. maximally increase the number of organisms with genes identical to our own, and 2. to maximally increase the number of genes identical to our own in those other organisms."
"objections like "why do we have sex then?" miss the point - sex is like when a good player on a bad team wants to join with the players on the better team, its "the selfish gene", not "the selfish genes", singular and individual genes come first, not a plural or collective set."
"so then, we know what god would be referring to if we took the second answer to the eupythro dillema, right? either "its better for us, individually" or "its better for each of our genes, individually""
"but there is something else, isnt there? god likely doesnt exist, and was a sus concept from the start: when a king rules his subjects, he uses those at his command to enforce his will upon them (and each other) by threat of negative consequences (see earlier), but then what happens when someone can break the rules without being caught, how would the king control them then? easy! invent a larger king, who sees all and knows all, and who will punish them with the worst possible punishment (where it is unfalsifiable to claim that the criminal got their punishment at all), its just so perfect"
"so there is no god, it is a certainty, and also, if you were in hell or heaven you wouldnt be able to tell which you were in since all your senses would be gone due to them all being reliant upon parts of your physical body that as we know would stay right here on earth and break down with time after your death"
"this concludes my thoughts on morals and ethics, thanks for reading, i appreciate you"
"btw, what are your thoughts on absurdism? isnt it a good reason to not commit suicide? ive considered the argument that for most of time i wont get to experience anything, and that this life is the only time i get to even be aware that i exist, so even if its really shitty i should stick it out to the end and in fact i should live for as long as i could"
"as for what constitutes *me* and *i*, id say its the part of myself that receives information from mthe rest of my brain, "the great receiver" which is aware of its own existence or that existence is a thing at all, call it consciousness, but it is continuity of experience that i use to define my existence, and so uploading an imitation of my current mental state to a computer wouldnt count as being a continuation of me, it would have to be the preservation of this elusive part of my physical brain (and assumedly parts of my body) to make me truly immortal."
"sometimes i wanna die, sometimes i wanna live forever, sometimes i wanna go back and live my life all over again from the start with all the data i have in my head now, like starting a new game when you remember how the last playthrough went, despite me having had lived through one of the worst lives imaginable to me up to this point"
"other times id go back just as i am now, in order to ensure i was never born (dont "muh paradox" me, we know theres most likely a multiverse if there were a way to go back in time)"
"whatever, intellectualization is my way of copeing without roping"
R: 34 / I: 4
Coping with long term loneliness
I believe if you are on here then like myself you believe yourself to be a deeply flawed person on such an advanced level that the idea of finding someone on a romantic level is not even in the realm of possibility, and friends are very temporary visitors in the world of adulthood. This is all well and good but I am looking at,at least 30 more years of this. How are the fellow wizzies coping without basically falling into a spiral of self pity and resentment? I would like to ideally just think "it is what it is.. some people are meant to be the outcasts" but I am having difficulty when looking at the stretch of time I am going to be feeling lonely in. How do other sorcerers and sages feel when confronted with this idea of a decades of loneliness ahead?