R: 1 / I: 0
I i fought again with other people on /b/ now i feel sad. I always make fues with others to make my point because others think I'm a bad person , but I'm not so I can't fight my pount because people are stupids and jerks
I i fought again with other people on /b/ now i feel sad. I always make fues with others to make my point because others think I'm a bad person , but I'm not so I can't fight my pount because people are stupids and jerks
R: 15 / I: 0
It's my first time posting here, and honestly i just found about this site. I am a 42 year old man who was never looked on, i tried desperatly all these years to find a succubus friend, but no luck. I was used, insulted and thrown like a dog. I even spent lots of money, i mean lots of money on buying plane tickets and new smartphones to succubi, but no luck. I thought about taking my life almost 7 times but i don't even have the balls to do it. I spent the last 7 years masterbating 3 times a day and watching porn and smoking weed. Nothing else. I lost contact with everyone and even the meaning of my life, all of this because of fucking succubi. I see help and a brotherhood. Take me please and Show me how and were to start. I need your guidance
New here
Hi /dep/It's my first time posting here, and honestly i just found about this site. I am a 42 year old man who was never looked on, i tried desperatly all these years to find a succubus friend, but no luck. I was used, insulted and thrown like a dog. I even spent lots of money, i mean lots of money on buying plane tickets and new smartphones to succubi, but no luck. I thought about taking my life almost 7 times but i don't even have the balls to do it. I spent the last 7 years masterbating 3 times a day and watching porn and smoking weed. Nothing else. I lost contact with everyone and even the meaning of my life, all of this because of fucking succubi. I see help and a brotherhood. Take me please and Show me how and were to start. I need your guidance
R: 151 / I: 19
Previous: >>276114
Depression Crawl Thread LIV
Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.Previous: >>276114
R: 0 / I: 0
I've been pitying myself my whole life and it gave me the mindset that I am just inferior to everyone and that there is nothing I can do about it. Instead of looking for opportunities I look for excuses why I can't do something. This lead to years of not doing anything which lead to no accomplishments and thus 0 self-confidence and even more reasons for self-pity even though my situation is self-inflicted. I don't blame anyone but myself but at the same time I blame my brain wiring that creates these thoughts.
The problem is that the self-pity is so deeply ingrained in me that it feels so natural and instinctive that I notice it too late or it creates overwhelming emotions that I can't calm down with reason.
The worst thing is that every time someone pointed it out it just made me angry and pity myself more for having a self-pitying mentality.
Right now I am trying to be mindful of my emotions and quiet them with reason but I wonder if anyone has a better idea.
How do you stop self-pitying?
Found this image when searching for "self-pity" and thought it was fitting.I've been pitying myself my whole life and it gave me the mindset that I am just inferior to everyone and that there is nothing I can do about it. Instead of looking for opportunities I look for excuses why I can't do something. This lead to years of not doing anything which lead to no accomplishments and thus 0 self-confidence and even more reasons for self-pity even though my situation is self-inflicted. I don't blame anyone but myself but at the same time I blame my brain wiring that creates these thoughts.
The problem is that the self-pity is so deeply ingrained in me that it feels so natural and instinctive that I notice it too late or it creates overwhelming emotions that I can't calm down with reason.
The worst thing is that every time someone pointed it out it just made me angry and pity myself more for having a self-pitying mentality.
Right now I am trying to be mindful of my emotions and quiet them with reason but I wonder if anyone has a better idea.
R: 47 / I: 5
I wanted to have something to do while watching videos, something that is low commitment like the <=10 minute matches you play and my dopamine addicted brain likes getting the free rewards you get in f2p games.
But the issue is that if you want to get good you need to have the right mindset and practice deliberately which I don't do. So despite having a lot of hours I still suck. And in general I am just not a smart or dexterous person. This leads to a lot of frustration as I keep losing. Also the devs of a lot of these games treat their game and playerbase like shit. This is where normal people don't care because they play casually but I got addicted to the low commitment gameplay and the free rewards so I have trouble just walking away and doing something else instead. My self-confidence is already in the gutter so every loss is just another reminder of being a loser and unlike normal people I have no accomplishments to prove that I am not totally inept.
It's crazy how I spent over 5000h+ on these kind of games when I rarely enjoy them and it's more compulsive if anything. They actually feel more like a job. Meanwhile whenever I can get myself to play a singleplayer game I love the experience and often have a smile on my face. And yet I havent managed to play even 1 in the last 2 years. I am really my biggest enemy always acting against my best interests. Like why did it take me this many hours to realize that maybe these kind of competitive games are not for me?
Gamer rage?
Anyone else made the mistake of getting into online games with depression?I wanted to have something to do while watching videos, something that is low commitment like the <=10 minute matches you play and my dopamine addicted brain likes getting the free rewards you get in f2p games.
But the issue is that if you want to get good you need to have the right mindset and practice deliberately which I don't do. So despite having a lot of hours I still suck. And in general I am just not a smart or dexterous person. This leads to a lot of frustration as I keep losing. Also the devs of a lot of these games treat their game and playerbase like shit. This is where normal people don't care because they play casually but I got addicted to the low commitment gameplay and the free rewards so I have trouble just walking away and doing something else instead. My self-confidence is already in the gutter so every loss is just another reminder of being a loser and unlike normal people I have no accomplishments to prove that I am not totally inept.
It's crazy how I spent over 5000h+ on these kind of games when I rarely enjoy them and it's more compulsive if anything. They actually feel more like a job. Meanwhile whenever I can get myself to play a singleplayer game I love the experience and often have a smile on my face. And yet I havent managed to play even 1 in the last 2 years. I am really my biggest enemy always acting against my best interests. Like why did it take me this many hours to realize that maybe these kind of competitive games are not for me?
R: 28 / I: 5
What do you suffer from? How do you cope with the pain? Have you come to terms with it? How do you see your future living with whatever it is that you have?
I suffer from chronic pelvic pain/chronic prostatitis/pudental neuralgia since I was 14 and I'm now 25. Its been 10 years of hell, pointless research and doctor after doctor appointment only to be dismissed and let down time after time. I have consumed tons worth of bibliography in an attempt to get to the bottom of this on my own, also in vain. I've tried all kinds of meds, psychotherapy, physical therapy, exercise to no avail. It has now began to dawn on me that there might be no fix, and this thought fills me with horror because i really can't imagine going through an entire life like this. The pain has progressively advanced to the point where I cant sit for more than 30 minutes at a time without wanting to jump out of my chair. I cant engage with my hobbies anymore because of it and the only thing Im left to do when I'm not spending agonizing hours sitting at work is lay in bed with a heat pad and look at my phone/ceiling. My genitals are constantly painful, numb and shrivelled up as if was outside in the freezing cold. Theres a constant dreadful feeling of tightness and a pulling sensation. I'm unable to maintain an erection, my libido has been obliterated and it feels like I've been completely robbed of my sexuality and masculinity since my early teens, which has deeply wounded my psyche in fucked up ways. I could go on forever but you get the gist. This thing has completely consumed my mind and my life. I dont want to wake up tomorrow. This is my story and my own little personal hell and purgatory. I'd like to hear about yours.
Chronic Pain/illness thread
This is a thread dedicated to those poor souls among us who battle with chronic pain or illness alongside mental illness.What do you suffer from? How do you cope with the pain? Have you come to terms with it? How do you see your future living with whatever it is that you have?
I suffer from chronic pelvic pain/chronic prostatitis/pudental neuralgia since I was 14 and I'm now 25. Its been 10 years of hell, pointless research and doctor after doctor appointment only to be dismissed and let down time after time. I have consumed tons worth of bibliography in an attempt to get to the bottom of this on my own, also in vain. I've tried all kinds of meds, psychotherapy, physical therapy, exercise to no avail. It has now began to dawn on me that there might be no fix, and this thought fills me with horror because i really can't imagine going through an entire life like this. The pain has progressively advanced to the point where I cant sit for more than 30 minutes at a time without wanting to jump out of my chair. I cant engage with my hobbies anymore because of it and the only thing Im left to do when I'm not spending agonizing hours sitting at work is lay in bed with a heat pad and look at my phone/ceiling. My genitals are constantly painful, numb and shrivelled up as if was outside in the freezing cold. Theres a constant dreadful feeling of tightness and a pulling sensation. I'm unable to maintain an erection, my libido has been obliterated and it feels like I've been completely robbed of my sexuality and masculinity since my early teens, which has deeply wounded my psyche in fucked up ways. I could go on forever but you get the gist. This thing has completely consumed my mind and my life. I dont want to wake up tomorrow. This is my story and my own little personal hell and purgatory. I'd like to hear about yours.
R: 225 / I: 11
i'm starting on them (Citalopram) tomorrow and im scared that ill gain weight from it
anti depressants
please post your experiences with anti depressants herei'm starting on them (Citalopram) tomorrow and im scared that ill gain weight from it
R: 140 / I: 26
>Question of the thread.
What's heroin overdose like? Anyone got any experience with it?
Suicide General
Suicide general, - Discuss everything suicide related here.>Question of the thread.
What's heroin overdose like? Anyone got any experience with it?
R: 64 / I: 2
Share whatever's on your head. Your latest favorite substance, the hardships of being a fiend on top of being a wizard, favorite drinks, worst drinks, substances you wish you had, drugs you wish you never tried, your experience with withdrawals, etc.
>drinking or using drugs=social interaction
Using/acquiring drugs or alcohol is not inherently social (compare it to the act of acquiring and eating food, are those inherently social? not really).
Drugs & alcohol general #2
It's not a secret that lots of wizards abuse alcohol and/or drugs for any reason (i.e. to cope), some might even consider themselves alcoholics and/or drug addicts. Using is a big part of our lives and we should have a space to express our daily experience.Share whatever's on your head. Your latest favorite substance, the hardships of being a fiend on top of being a wizard, favorite drinks, worst drinks, substances you wish you had, drugs you wish you never tried, your experience with withdrawals, etc.
>drinking or using drugs=social interaction
Using/acquiring drugs or alcohol is not inherently social (compare it to the act of acquiring and eating food, are those inherently social? not really).
R: 49 / I: 1
Life is simple. If you are poor, work, if you are ugly, improve your hygiene and your personality, if you are fat, go on a diet, if you are sad, cry, if you are happy, laugh, if you cannot be happy, then try to be happy.
Life is simple, problems are simple, and the solutions to these problems are also simple, many times one tries to think about a problem a thousand times but the reality is that it is not as complicated as it seems.
Life is simple. If you are poor, work, if you are ugly, improve your hygiene and your personality, if you are fat, go on a diet, if you are sad, cry, if you are happy, laugh, if you cannot be happy, then try to be happy.
Life is simple, problems are simple, and the solutions to these problems are also simple, many times one tries to think about a problem a thousand times but the reality is that it is not as complicated as it seems.
R: 5 / I: 0
Fat wizards
How many amongst you has ever tried any special diet to solve his weight issues? How many succeeded? How many did fail? I found this man: https://youtube.com/@metabolismotv-officialchan1134 whose fans constantly claim great results by merely changing what they eat and adding some particular tips from his videos. He is quite weird to hear since he also criticises typical weight loss diets like keto and atkins. I also found many other topics apart from that in his channel, thought you'd find him useful
R: 133 / I: 6
Traumatic Experiences
Share your various traumatic experiences that still haunts you to this very day.
R: 11 / I: 2
craving social interaction
Why do I crave social interaction when I know that I am best to be left alone? Why do I feel envious when I see normies walking and laughing in groups? Is this my social human instincts rebelling against my destiny of seclusion? How can I get rid of these urges?
R: 35 / I: 1
Things that worked for me to start with:
- Drink plenty of water
- Don't binge eat
- Eat food that has the nutrients you need
- Fast occassionally
- Avoid excessive caffeine
- Avoid cigarettes and any other tobacco products that interfere with your blood circulation and oxygen
- Inhale through your nose only and take long/deep breaths (proper oxygen circulation)
- Keep room circulated with fresh air
- Let daylight into your room
- Reduce exposure to negative content/people/environments
- Go outside at least 30 mins each day
- Do stretching/exercises for your back/spine/neck
- Do things that physically exhaust you
- Stand up occassionally during long sitting sessions and move around
- Maintain an upright posture (this has serious effects on your lungs/breathing and the nerves in the back of your neck and spine)
- Take breaks from looking at screens and adjust your screen settings to be gentle with your eyes
- Switch your lights at home to a warmer tone
Brainfog
After many years we need to have another brainfog fix thread. Please only post things that have actually worked for you and no schizo stuff.Things that worked for me to start with:
- Drink plenty of water
- Don't binge eat
- Eat food that has the nutrients you need
- Fast occassionally
- Avoid excessive caffeine
- Avoid cigarettes and any other tobacco products that interfere with your blood circulation and oxygen
- Inhale through your nose only and take long/deep breaths (proper oxygen circulation)
- Keep room circulated with fresh air
- Let daylight into your room
- Reduce exposure to negative content/people/environments
- Go outside at least 30 mins each day
- Do stretching/exercises for your back/spine/neck
- Do things that physically exhaust you
- Stand up occassionally during long sitting sessions and move around
- Maintain an upright posture (this has serious effects on your lungs/breathing and the nerves in the back of your neck and spine)
- Take breaks from looking at screens and adjust your screen settings to be gentle with your eyes
- Switch your lights at home to a warmer tone
R: 34 / I: 0
This thread is for all the ones fighting for a better life and never giving up hope, despite the odds. Day by day, we have the power to forward just a little bit. That's what life is. And the worse your life is, the more heroic that stance becomes.
Share with your fellow wizards how you try to improve your life. What makes you happy, what lessens the suffering, what your hopes and dreams are, big or small, realistic or unrealistic, etc. If it's in any way related to hope it's welcome here.
Hope General
I didn't subscribe to the wizardly ideals just to end up with the same depression like failed normalfags. We can do better.This thread is for all the ones fighting for a better life and never giving up hope, despite the odds. Day by day, we have the power to forward just a little bit. That's what life is. And the worse your life is, the more heroic that stance becomes.
Share with your fellow wizards how you try to improve your life. What makes you happy, what lessens the suffering, what your hopes and dreams are, big or small, realistic or unrealistic, etc. If it's in any way related to hope it's welcome here.
R: 41 / I: 0
How do I kill myself without feeling pain?
I don't give a fuck about my life anymore, I just want to finish this.
How do I kill myself without feeling pain?
I don't give a fuck about my life anymore, I just want to finish this.
R: 10 / I: 2
Depression and self
Honestly as time goes on and I get older the more I find validation in my own missery. I have been depressed for so long that it became a part of me. I can't imagine myself as a happy or just conformist guy. It's part of my character to always be grumpy. I'm also pretty edgy and don't feel shame on it. We live in a post-ironic world where it's always wrong to experience negative thoughts. But honestly I feel even more rebellious, grim and depressed than when I was a teen. I take pride in being a depressed loser. That's who I am and nothing will change that. Depression is part of who I am.
R: 8 / I: 0
If I look back on my last 10 years it sounds insane to have made 0 progress in all that time and yet every time I think I will finally start doing something I feel tired, I feel anxious and default to sitting at the computer distracting myself only to waste another day and it reminds me why I am in this situation.
After some intense moments of self-reflection or watching something motivational I delude myself into thinking I will finally change only to repeat the same routine the next day. How can I create accountability for myself that I won't just bypass like blocking internet? How do I reward myself when I can just get the reward whenever I want if I am the one giving it?
If I look back on my last 10 years it sounds insane to have made 0 progress in all that time and yet every time I think I will finally start doing something I feel tired, I feel anxious and default to sitting at the computer distracting myself only to waste another day and it reminds me why I am in this situation.
After some intense moments of self-reflection or watching something motivational I delude myself into thinking I will finally change only to repeat the same routine the next day. How can I create accountability for myself that I won't just bypass like blocking internet? How do I reward myself when I can just get the reward whenever I want if I am the one giving it?
R: 82 / I: 53
draw therapy
when you feel down, come to this thread a draw something, it will release your soul
R: 12 / I: 0
It can and it will always get worse.
No matter how the future plays out I can be sure that im gonna suffer in worse ways then I have so far, it can always always get that much worse the ride never ends untill you die, and from all of the bullshit that happens not even that is sure, its possible that this torment will continue forever damn it all
It can and it will always get worse.
No matter how the future plays out I can be sure that im gonna suffer in worse ways then I have so far, it can always always get that much worse the ride never ends untill you die, and from all of the bullshit that happens not even that is sure, its possible that this torment will continue forever damn it all
R: 16 / I: 0
He spends all day talking and screaming to his faggot friends on Discord and I'm forced to listen to his shit all day if I am in the room.
He's literally gay. A dick sucking faggot and he isn't ashamed of dirty talking to his friends while I'm in the room.
When I want to read a book, I have to leave the bed room and go to the living room or to my mother's room.
I need to find a job asap and move out of this house.
Are there wizards here who share a room with somebody?
I'm a 25yo loser who share a room with my brother and let me tell you, he's the most annoying faggot on earth.He spends all day talking and screaming to his faggot friends on Discord and I'm forced to listen to his shit all day if I am in the room.
He's literally gay. A dick sucking faggot and he isn't ashamed of dirty talking to his friends while I'm in the room.
When I want to read a book, I have to leave the bed room and go to the living room or to my mother's room.
I need to find a job asap and move out of this house.
R: 11 / I: 1
What is the easiest way to commit suicide
Just wondering because there seems to be no way out and I want it just to end. R: 7 / I: 0
How many liters should the nitrogen tank contain? I am aware it shouldn't contain any oxygen. Anything else I should be aware of? I need a mask and a tube, nothing else, right?
How many liters should the nitrogen tank contain? I am aware it shouldn't contain any oxygen. Anything else I should be aware of? I need a mask and a tube, nothing else, right?
R: 7 / I: 0
Some people are born intrinsically evil. Sins are passed down to reflect the ugliness of their lineage choices. Layers of selfishness, impulsivity, or lacking thoughtfulness produces others like it. Or in this case "cursing your son's and daughters." Being raised christian I often wonder why. Why he didn't wipe them out. Make the sinners pay, not those who haven't sinned yet. How there are miracles that some children are protected from this curse, from the outside world and prosper in purity. While the rest are subjected to evil and ugliness the world produces. There is choice, but how far gone is that individual when they realize and return back to self sabotaging or tainted by the curse they inhabited by their degenerate ancestors.
Been months where I became aware, years of degeneracy soiled me. Even at a young age id feel an odd sense of comfort when someone compared me to being close with Satan or some other evil figure. Not once can I recall a time where I wasn't evil. Thoughts of inslaving, manipulation, or even instigating others was held tightly in my behavior. Years of degeneracy after that rendered me to a pleasure seeking loser. Laying in their own filth that of a subhuman.
I try to now find hobbies but can't help but feel disgusted everytime I'm in the sight of beauty. Feel uncomfortable and reject it completely. This is where I got into ariosophy. Now, I'm referring myself infertile to end this curse of future generations. Maybe the Nazis were right, without the racial realism. There are people who are inferior and who lack a soul. A hierarchy is not man made, but natural.
Chaos turns itself into deterministic observable things by weeding out patterns or sequences that aren't suited to continue. Same works with humans. Every revolution still has people of superiority, intellect, and drive to lead a revolution with the false pretense of equality, or to liberate. Rest follow and cling onto the one with a sense of purpose and drive. In order to sustain their own survival through the other.
Same goes for the spirit or soul, which is why I'm not against the divine right of kings and population control.
Maybe this is blasphemy, I don't know anymore. I just wish to be wiped clean into nothing. Just hate that some people are created just to bare the sin of their lineage while others are chosen to be protected from the world.
Some people are born intrinsically evil. Sins are passed down to reflect the ugliness of their lineage choices. Layers of selfishness, impulsivity, or lacking thoughtfulness produces others like it. Or in this case "cursing your son's and daughters." Being raised christian I often wonder why. Why he didn't wipe them out. Make the sinners pay, not those who haven't sinned yet. How there are miracles that some children are protected from this curse, from the outside world and prosper in purity. While the rest are subjected to evil and ugliness the world produces. There is choice, but how far gone is that individual when they realize and return back to self sabotaging or tainted by the curse they inhabited by their degenerate ancestors.
Been months where I became aware, years of degeneracy soiled me. Even at a young age id feel an odd sense of comfort when someone compared me to being close with Satan or some other evil figure. Not once can I recall a time where I wasn't evil. Thoughts of inslaving, manipulation, or even instigating others was held tightly in my behavior. Years of degeneracy after that rendered me to a pleasure seeking loser. Laying in their own filth that of a subhuman.
I try to now find hobbies but can't help but feel disgusted everytime I'm in the sight of beauty. Feel uncomfortable and reject it completely. This is where I got into ariosophy. Now, I'm referring myself infertile to end this curse of future generations. Maybe the Nazis were right, without the racial realism. There are people who are inferior and who lack a soul. A hierarchy is not man made, but natural.
Chaos turns itself into deterministic observable things by weeding out patterns or sequences that aren't suited to continue. Same works with humans. Every revolution still has people of superiority, intellect, and drive to lead a revolution with the false pretense of equality, or to liberate. Rest follow and cling onto the one with a sense of purpose and drive. In order to sustain their own survival through the other.
Same goes for the spirit or soul, which is why I'm not against the divine right of kings and population control.
Maybe this is blasphemy, I don't know anymore. I just wish to be wiped clean into nothing. Just hate that some people are created just to bare the sin of their lineage while others are chosen to be protected from the world.
R: 8 / I: 0
Psych Ward
Anyone here went to a psych ward before? How was your experience there? I went 2 years ago because I was abusing alcohol and prescribed pills but realized I was almost dead from overdosing, so I told my psychiatrist and the very same day I was at the hospital. Stayed there for like a week and was a good experience overall. I felt like I had a purpose. I meditate, read, wrote in my notebook… It was overall an edifying experience. I'm even thinking on going back because I'm feeling like shit lately, plus started doing self harm some weeks ago. What about you, wizzies?
R: 308 / I: 41
previous >>272558
Wageslave General
stressed out from all the bullshit editionprevious >>272558
R: 27 / I: 2
I spent the last years on imageboards, video games, tv, random youtube videos and got 0 skills or life experience.
With 31 people my age who either have a job or skills already got 10+ years of experience in the said thing. So I feel hopelessly behind and every time I want to learn something I start kicking myself for not doing it sooner when I had better conditions. My life was pretty comfy compared to now 10 years ago and I feel terrible wasting it. Now I can't say I'm ~finding myself~ anymore, I get less financial support and my health is getting worse and past 30+ the odds of random health issues increase on top of the constant regret over wasted time.
I know the robotic answer is that I can't change the past so it's pointless to think about but how can I really make peace with it mentally instead of trying to suppress these negative emotions with logic?
31 and no skills
How do I stop thinking about my lost years?I spent the last years on imageboards, video games, tv, random youtube videos and got 0 skills or life experience.
With 31 people my age who either have a job or skills already got 10+ years of experience in the said thing. So I feel hopelessly behind and every time I want to learn something I start kicking myself for not doing it sooner when I had better conditions. My life was pretty comfy compared to now 10 years ago and I feel terrible wasting it. Now I can't say I'm ~finding myself~ anymore, I get less financial support and my health is getting worse and past 30+ the odds of random health issues increase on top of the constant regret over wasted time.
I know the robotic answer is that I can't change the past so it's pointless to think about but how can I really make peace with it mentally instead of trying to suppress these negative emotions with logic?
R: 39 / I: 4
I'm not sure if anyone will understand how it's possible to hate yourself this much. If you do, I'm sorry you're not dead. But I'm not surprised. I'm a fucking coward. I don't know what I'd do if anyone I knew in real life read this. All I know is I can't believe I typed this out. Because now it's real. You'll say I'm a faggot but I don't care. I know, but I still posted this anyway. Hoping that maybe another anon understands so at least I'm not so fucking alone.
I'm not even a person, really. I'm just an amalgamation of all the stupid shit I've spent my time on over the years. A thing that looks like a person but lacks some essential quality. Something unique to living things. Even if I knew what it was I couldn't replicate it. I'd just be copying like I always have.
Maybe I should copy some of the smarter ones and end it.
utter self hatred
I don't think I have a happy memory that involves leaving my room. Most of my life has been spent in front of a glowing box. I didn't even particularly like it. I don't have anything worth talking to anyone about. And now I'm so depressed I don't even want to play games. I could have had a good life, or I could have had a shitty life. But instead I had no life. I threw away my chance before I even had it. At least most meth addicts had lives before they started smoking meth. At least most meth addicts had a reason to start smoking meth. I didn't have abusive parents. I didn't grow up poor. I didn't get shoved into lockers and given swirlies and pantsed. I didn't get beat up. But I almost wish I did. I almost wish I knew why I was so miserable today. Such a shell of a person. Instead, I have to wonder what it was that made me so "weird." What made me prefer spending all my time in my room playing video games and browsing imageboards? What lead to me being here, in front of my computer, high as shit, typing this faggy message to a bunch of other losers on an imageboard?I'm not sure if anyone will understand how it's possible to hate yourself this much. If you do, I'm sorry you're not dead. But I'm not surprised. I'm a fucking coward. I don't know what I'd do if anyone I knew in real life read this. All I know is I can't believe I typed this out. Because now it's real. You'll say I'm a faggot but I don't care. I know, but I still posted this anyway. Hoping that maybe another anon understands so at least I'm not so fucking alone.
I'm not even a person, really. I'm just an amalgamation of all the stupid shit I've spent my time on over the years. A thing that looks like a person but lacks some essential quality. Something unique to living things. Even if I knew what it was I couldn't replicate it. I'd just be copying like I always have.
Maybe I should copy some of the smarter ones and end it.
R: 11 / I: 1
Despite being a Neet and having all day available I still fail to meet the goals I set for myself.
Its not big thins, even someone with a job could easily get them done after work but somehow I always manage to squander all day doing nothing.
And I dont mean nothing as in watching TV all day, watching an episode of a show is on my daily list of goals to meet, I do nothing.
Despite all this I manage to be sleep deprived somehow despite spending the majority of my day in bed.
Its not just depression either, I have motivation some of the time, its just that the day runs away from me
Despite being a Neet and having all day available I still fail to meet the goals I set for myself.
Its not big thins, even someone with a job could easily get them done after work but somehow I always manage to squander all day doing nothing.
And I dont mean nothing as in watching TV all day, watching an episode of a show is on my daily list of goals to meet, I do nothing.
Despite all this I manage to be sleep deprived somehow despite spending the majority of my day in bed.
Its not just depression either, I have motivation some of the time, its just that the day runs away from me
R: 321 / I: 29
Depression Crawl Thread LIII
Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.
R: 52 / I: 2
My parents ("arranged" marriage) shout all the time, and even when they shout/fight for just a single hour a day, I am unable to focus on my studies for the entirety of the day and because of it I am on the verge of failing my college as I can't afford to live in a dormitory. Jobs for people in India after Grade 12 are virtually non-existent and incredibly low paying to the point that you would be lucky if you could manage to sleep on the footpath, if you could get one that is and also somehow all of them require 2 years of experience. The rates of NEET men and succubi are incredibly high here, they only survive because people live in joint families. One benefit of living with my parents is that I often convince my mother secretly to get me medicines for my asthma. And she keeps on insisting on frauds like Homeopathy and Ayurveda; because of those two I am here in the first place.
The only way I *might* get a job is after having a degree but then again I don't go to a good college and my course is not particularly prestigious. I am not allowed to stay in the college after 5 PM as I don't live in a dormitory. But I just can't study and that terrifies me, hell, my parents just might kick me out if I am unable to pass.
And in India, there is no such thing as social security, NEETbux, Food Banks, Safety Nets, Therapy (which is exclusively for the Upper Middle Class and Rich People), Community Housing, Jobs sponsored by the government, nothing of sorts. I would literally have to live in a slum, and I don't think I would ever be able to work without my asthma medicines.
I dream everyday of a good brother like friend (maybe I am trying to find a loving and caring father in someone else) who can help me by allowing me to stay in his house for a while, show me how the world works, and help me become an independent man. Now, I know in this world it's impossible and of course doubly unfair to ask an stranger for help.
With that being said, I do need some sort of help, and if the current trend continues, I will never be able to study, I will have to endure this forever or I'll be homeless. I have a real fear of dying at this point.
It just makes me really sad, that my parents were so abusive and my father even resorted to physically assault me several times when I was a kid, I still haven't recovered from that. Not to mention that majority of Indians don't give a shit when it comes to mental health. And I find it tough to let my views out on this sub as people here are generally from the first world and oftentimes I am unable to explain to the first worlders how much life truly sucks in the third world.
God, I daydream all day long, even when I am doing other tasks about someone saving me. Maybe some sort of god, alien, a brother, a succubus, whomever. And yet no help is coming. But the though of being save comforts me so much, I am never quite able to fully realise how truly delusional I am.
C-PTSD, Third World, Poverty, Studying, and wanting to be Saved.
I live in a country [India] where the only real upwards mobility, or hell just not starving is a pretty big achievement in and of itself is only possible by having good grades. It is extremely uncommon to kick your children out here, not because of love but because of the "standing" of a family in the society, to leave your house is to be disrespectful to your parents for not being their slaves for the rest of your life.My parents ("arranged" marriage) shout all the time, and even when they shout/fight for just a single hour a day, I am unable to focus on my studies for the entirety of the day and because of it I am on the verge of failing my college as I can't afford to live in a dormitory. Jobs for people in India after Grade 12 are virtually non-existent and incredibly low paying to the point that you would be lucky if you could manage to sleep on the footpath, if you could get one that is and also somehow all of them require 2 years of experience. The rates of NEET men and succubi are incredibly high here, they only survive because people live in joint families. One benefit of living with my parents is that I often convince my mother secretly to get me medicines for my asthma. And she keeps on insisting on frauds like Homeopathy and Ayurveda; because of those two I am here in the first place.
The only way I *might* get a job is after having a degree but then again I don't go to a good college and my course is not particularly prestigious. I am not allowed to stay in the college after 5 PM as I don't live in a dormitory. But I just can't study and that terrifies me, hell, my parents just might kick me out if I am unable to pass.
And in India, there is no such thing as social security, NEETbux, Food Banks, Safety Nets, Therapy (which is exclusively for the Upper Middle Class and Rich People), Community Housing, Jobs sponsored by the government, nothing of sorts. I would literally have to live in a slum, and I don't think I would ever be able to work without my asthma medicines.
I dream everyday of a good brother like friend (maybe I am trying to find a loving and caring father in someone else) who can help me by allowing me to stay in his house for a while, show me how the world works, and help me become an independent man. Now, I know in this world it's impossible and of course doubly unfair to ask an stranger for help.
With that being said, I do need some sort of help, and if the current trend continues, I will never be able to study, I will have to endure this forever or I'll be homeless. I have a real fear of dying at this point.
It just makes me really sad, that my parents were so abusive and my father even resorted to physically assault me several times when I was a kid, I still haven't recovered from that. Not to mention that majority of Indians don't give a shit when it comes to mental health. And I find it tough to let my views out on this sub as people here are generally from the first world and oftentimes I am unable to explain to the first worlders how much life truly sucks in the third world.
God, I daydream all day long, even when I am doing other tasks about someone saving me. Maybe some sort of god, alien, a brother, a succubus, whomever. And yet no help is coming. But the though of being save comforts me so much, I am never quite able to fully realise how truly delusional I am.
R: 33 / I: 3
Procrastination
It ruined my life. Why do I tell myself that I learned my lesson only to repeat the same mistake again and make my life harder for no reason? I can't even enjoy the "free" time I spend not doing the task because the task is in the back of my mind. Procrastinating doing the task just makes it harder and may come with monetary, opportunity or health loss. It makes no logical sense. I feel like an idiot because I don't learn.
R: 25 / I: 0
Social skills and looks are the most important aspects.
Loner wizards have no chance in this system.
Never had a chance
If don't have social skills and aren't good looking, you are doomed at uni and work.Social skills and looks are the most important aspects.
Loner wizards have no chance in this system.
R: 6 / I: 1
I've been a lifelong forum user, I'm 29, I've been using forums since being younger than 10, I basically started with regional Nintendo emulation forums.
My country has two big newspapers and they have forums, I've posted here for more than 10 years, lots of discussion revolves around local country issues. One of those two forums was my favorite forum, it got taken away because some people started forum sliding (these people were actually involved with the government back then, literally got paid to shitpost on forums, somewhat big scandal). There was one key succubi here.
Turns out this same succubus is trying to replicate the same thing on the current forum, has been doing the same thing for years. This dumb cunt was dumb enough to post her personal information more than 10 years ago, I got her name, everything. Lots of users from the same forum know her personal information because she posted it, changed users and thought no one would remember her from more than 10 years ago. The operation she led was a somewhat mild scandal here (a big government official paying people to shitpost on his behalf), this cunt has a fuckton of newspaper articles dedicated to her and her team. Today she started threatening through the forum. She has a whole team of people shitposting in the forum and I always disrupt their spam shit, she now started threatening me directly, I instructed her to do as I say with her spam and I'm going to see if she complies (told her I have her personal information and proved it, she recognized this and we kept arguing).
What are your thoughts on this? I'm not a violent person, but I'm angry because a rich corrupt Stacy with huge ties to local political figures had the guts to threaten me in one of my most used forums. Turns out I've been arguing with some users that turned out to be her or her friends, for many years. This group of people has harassed my user for years just because I've said their political party is corrupt. This shit is from her social media. Not a regular Stacy either, had romantic affairs with an ex-president and an ex-minister (apparently she was married at the same time too, found this in her facebook).
I've been a lifelong forum user, I'm 29, I've been using forums since being younger than 10, I basically started with regional Nintendo emulation forums.
My country has two big newspapers and they have forums, I've posted here for more than 10 years, lots of discussion revolves around local country issues. One of those two forums was my favorite forum, it got taken away because some people started forum sliding (these people were actually involved with the government back then, literally got paid to shitpost on forums, somewhat big scandal). There was one key succubi here.
Turns out this same succubus is trying to replicate the same thing on the current forum, has been doing the same thing for years. This dumb cunt was dumb enough to post her personal information more than 10 years ago, I got her name, everything. Lots of users from the same forum know her personal information because she posted it, changed users and thought no one would remember her from more than 10 years ago. The operation she led was a somewhat mild scandal here (a big government official paying people to shitpost on his behalf), this cunt has a fuckton of newspaper articles dedicated to her and her team. Today she started threatening through the forum. She has a whole team of people shitposting in the forum and I always disrupt their spam shit, she now started threatening me directly, I instructed her to do as I say with her spam and I'm going to see if she complies (told her I have her personal information and proved it, she recognized this and we kept arguing).
What are your thoughts on this? I'm not a violent person, but I'm angry because a rich corrupt Stacy with huge ties to local political figures had the guts to threaten me in one of my most used forums. Turns out I've been arguing with some users that turned out to be her or her friends, for many years. This group of people has harassed my user for years just because I've said their political party is corrupt. This shit is from her social media. Not a regular Stacy either, had romantic affairs with an ex-president and an ex-minister (apparently she was married at the same time too, found this in her facebook).
R: 5 / I: 1
I need help people I will tell you my story.
(Sorry for the bad english im peruvian)
At first I liked succubi, until I started watching pornography at an early age, I started with hentai as I remember, at first they were more or less normal things and my searches degenerated more and more, until I ended up seeing bizarre categories such as - bestiality or similar things, little by little I left those porn categories but some of that stayed with me, I felt a certain attraction to femboys, although only in very stylized drawings or models, I got to the point where I started to like a partner and I declared myself He refused and we left everything there, after that I made an effort and managed to quit porn, currently I fall once a month, but that pleasure stayed with me, I see certain colleagues in a different way (I clarify that I am not passive), I have realized that at the same time I have generated a certain tendency towards small children because sometimes when I see children younger than me, 10-15 years old, I feel the need to talk to them, talk to them and touch them, although thank God I have only reached those awkward conversations, I need some advice or something.
I want to be straight again :(
I need help people I will tell you my story.
(Sorry for the bad english im peruvian)
At first I liked succubi, until I started watching pornography at an early age, I started with hentai as I remember, at first they were more or less normal things and my searches degenerated more and more, until I ended up seeing bizarre categories such as - bestiality or similar things, little by little I left those porn categories but some of that stayed with me, I felt a certain attraction to femboys, although only in very stylized drawings or models, I got to the point where I started to like a partner and I declared myself He refused and we left everything there, after that I made an effort and managed to quit porn, currently I fall once a month, but that pleasure stayed with me, I see certain colleagues in a different way (I clarify that I am not passive), I have realized that at the same time I have generated a certain tendency towards small children because sometimes when I see children younger than me, 10-15 years old, I feel the need to talk to them, talk to them and touch them, although thank God I have only reached those awkward conversations, I need some advice or something.
I want to be straight again :(
R: 18 / I: 5
I hate wageslaving, I hate filling out resumes and filling out dense forms that have nothing to do with actual reality. I hate how the modern world shames you into performing these humiliation rituals or else you're considered a failure.
Most of all I hate the fucking obsession with "grinding" and self improvement. It's the religion for modernity, the temple of self. Gotta grind in the gym to make bigger muscles and spend hours studying to become the best worker and go to therapy so you can be more pleasant for others to interact with. You can't just live life. Every moment you must be commodifiying yourself to be a more attractive product for the consumption of the corporate meat grinder. For nonwizards they also have to deal with similar process in hope of being picked by a succubi as a suitable vessel to drain. What a hellish existence.
I dont hate myself
I don't hate myself. I hate the modern world. I hate the superficial relations people form. I hate that you're expected to be insincere and inauthentic as a normal mode of operation.I hate wageslaving, I hate filling out resumes and filling out dense forms that have nothing to do with actual reality. I hate how the modern world shames you into performing these humiliation rituals or else you're considered a failure.
Most of all I hate the fucking obsession with "grinding" and self improvement. It's the religion for modernity, the temple of self. Gotta grind in the gym to make bigger muscles and spend hours studying to become the best worker and go to therapy so you can be more pleasant for others to interact with. You can't just live life. Every moment you must be commodifiying yourself to be a more attractive product for the consumption of the corporate meat grinder. For nonwizards they also have to deal with similar process in hope of being picked by a succubi as a suitable vessel to drain. What a hellish existence.
R: 2 / I: 0
I dont even really know what im doing anymore, if I killed myself I doubt the few people that would care would be surprised.
Not that im really considering that at the moment, im more or less stuck in a loop of doing nothing.
And I dont actually mind that all too much to be honest, I just mind all the distractions that get in my way.
Wether I need to get up to fap or to use the bathroom, or even just being restless and pacing around I can never achieve true inner peace.
Whenever I think I have found it it slips away.
I want nothing more then that, that inner peace that feeling when im lying down tired and slipping away, or watching out of the window on a sunny afternoon.
That pure comfy feeling, yet it feels like everything gets in the way of that.
My insomnia, my neighbours everything gets in the way.
I dont know what im doing anymore, even when im awake I might aswell be asleep.
Im currently sitting at my computer wanting nothing more then to sleep, yet I know that once I lay down I wont be able to, and within a few hours I will return to sit infront of this infernal machine.
Its all useless I cant sleep the way I want to, and I cant do the things I want to when im awake, despite having achieved freedom in a way I thought would make me free from ever feeling responsible for anything again.
I fear I may not be able to achieve inner peace before I die, that would really be a tragedy.
I dont want alot of money, I dont some outrageous lifestyle, I dont even want many friends, being content in myself is the most achievable and happyness bringing lifestyle despite my failures.
I never want to return to working and engaging with people on a daily basis, not having to talk to anyone is truly wonderfull.
I just dont really know what im doing, its like im constantly sleepwalking and when im lying in bed I cant sleep.
Im sorry if this is worded poorly I havent slept properly in days, if I had a good nights sleep I would probably have written less about sleep, though it is one of the best parts of life for me.
When im able to sleep sleep is wonderfull
I dont even really know what im doing anymore, if I killed myself I doubt the few people that would care would be surprised.
Not that im really considering that at the moment, im more or less stuck in a loop of doing nothing.
And I dont actually mind that all too much to be honest, I just mind all the distractions that get in my way.
Wether I need to get up to fap or to use the bathroom, or even just being restless and pacing around I can never achieve true inner peace.
Whenever I think I have found it it slips away.
I want nothing more then that, that inner peace that feeling when im lying down tired and slipping away, or watching out of the window on a sunny afternoon.
That pure comfy feeling, yet it feels like everything gets in the way of that.
My insomnia, my neighbours everything gets in the way.
I dont know what im doing anymore, even when im awake I might aswell be asleep.
Im currently sitting at my computer wanting nothing more then to sleep, yet I know that once I lay down I wont be able to, and within a few hours I will return to sit infront of this infernal machine.
Its all useless I cant sleep the way I want to, and I cant do the things I want to when im awake, despite having achieved freedom in a way I thought would make me free from ever feeling responsible for anything again.
I fear I may not be able to achieve inner peace before I die, that would really be a tragedy.
I dont want alot of money, I dont some outrageous lifestyle, I dont even want many friends, being content in myself is the most achievable and happyness bringing lifestyle despite my failures.
I never want to return to working and engaging with people on a daily basis, not having to talk to anyone is truly wonderfull.
I just dont really know what im doing, its like im constantly sleepwalking and when im lying in bed I cant sleep.
Im sorry if this is worded poorly I havent slept properly in days, if I had a good nights sleep I would probably have written less about sleep, though it is one of the best parts of life for me.
When im able to sleep sleep is wonderfull
R: 16 / I: 3
Being me was still at the back of my mind an essence of me I do not like it's hard to explain. Religion hasn't fixed it, making me hope for soul death, to be non existent. Maybe it's more than body dysphoria maybe it's caused because the body is an icon of me and how it's more susceptible to nature than others.
How do you get over body dysphoria
Religion, working out, self-care, etc. Every step I took I could not take myself seriously or I'd over obsess perfection and progress.Being me was still at the back of my mind an essence of me I do not like it's hard to explain. Religion hasn't fixed it, making me hope for soul death, to be non existent. Maybe it's more than body dysphoria maybe it's caused because the body is an icon of me and how it's more susceptible to nature than others.
R: 37 / I: 1
post your an hero music
post your an hero music
R: 43 / I: 2
(1) Know that I care about you guys deeply and sincerely. Call me a faggot, I don't care.
(2) Examine what you are eating. For example, gluten especially produces depressive/psychotic episodes in sensitive autistic individuals. Sugar also is not healthy for your brain.
(3) Make sure you are getting sufficient sleep. Chronic sleeplessness or even a few days' worth of irregular sleep can seriously interfere with the clarity of our thinking.
(4) Clean up. Taking a warm shower and putting on fresh clean clothes always is refreshing and helps to break up darkened mental habits.
(5) Breathe fresh air. Open the windows to your wiz-cave and allow some wind to come in.
(6) Watch your breathing. When we are panicked, our breathing can become very disordered and we do not recognize the effect this has on our thinking. Take deep, purposeful breaths, and collect your thoughts.
(7) Respect yourself. You have done your best to survive in an awful world, and you should grant yourself forgiveness for any mistakes and the allowance to rest with a composed and balanced mind.
I've done my part. Anyone else?
Anti-Suicide General
The purpose of this thread is to counter the general tenor of sadness that defines all the other threads. This thread will therefore feature practical advice about reducing suicidal behavior even when we feel most suicidal. Naturally, being that I started the topic, I will be the first to contribute.(1) Know that I care about you guys deeply and sincerely. Call me a faggot, I don't care.
(2) Examine what you are eating. For example, gluten especially produces depressive/psychotic episodes in sensitive autistic individuals. Sugar also is not healthy for your brain.
(3) Make sure you are getting sufficient sleep. Chronic sleeplessness or even a few days' worth of irregular sleep can seriously interfere with the clarity of our thinking.
(4) Clean up. Taking a warm shower and putting on fresh clean clothes always is refreshing and helps to break up darkened mental habits.
(5) Breathe fresh air. Open the windows to your wiz-cave and allow some wind to come in.
(6) Watch your breathing. When we are panicked, our breathing can become very disordered and we do not recognize the effect this has on our thinking. Take deep, purposeful breaths, and collect your thoughts.
(7) Respect yourself. You have done your best to survive in an awful world, and you should grant yourself forgiveness for any mistakes and the allowance to rest with a composed and balanced mind.
I've done my part. Anyone else?
R: 113 / I: 4
Getting irritated by sex stuff
This is something I never really understood about myself but ever since I can remember I've been getting extremely irritated by being involuntarily exposed to normie sex stuff to the point where I feel intense rage or severe discomfort, it's things such as sex scenes in movies, sexual memes, pornographic lyrics in music or people talking about sex in public and social media. It just instantly irritates me like nothing else. I've been feeling like this since I was like 8-10 years old and I wonder if anyone else knows what I mean.
R: 145 / I: 9
Why do you want to commit suicide? What problems do you have? What is really stopping you from doing it?
Why do you want to commit suicide? What problems do you have? What is really stopping you from doing it?
R: 2 / I: 0
I dont necesseraly hate myself, but I am disgusted with myself.
I have always been lazy, I am quick to anger if things dont go my way, not very skilled at anything and I lack the ability to improve on my failures no matter how hard I try.
It sucks, if I was a normal person I wouldnt want anything to do with me either.
The moment I open my mouth its usually over in a social situation, since I am just that way I dont hate myself but I am disgusted with my behaviour, I wish I could just be a nice person.
It is what it is im just not a good person I guess, neither for myself nor others
I dont necesseraly hate myself, but I am disgusted with myself.
I have always been lazy, I am quick to anger if things dont go my way, not very skilled at anything and I lack the ability to improve on my failures no matter how hard I try.
It sucks, if I was a normal person I wouldnt want anything to do with me either.
The moment I open my mouth its usually over in a social situation, since I am just that way I dont hate myself but I am disgusted with my behaviour, I wish I could just be a nice person.
It is what it is im just not a good person I guess, neither for myself nor others
R: 53 / I: 5
Highschool
What was highschool like for you guys? I feel like highschool shaped me into who I am and not in a good way. Constantly getting the shit kicked out of me and being laughed at by my female peers is what set me on the path of wizardy to begin with, but I guess I can't complain, a friend of mine from Russia got cigarettes put out on him at school. The worst part is parents and teachers harping on about how those are the best years of your life. Maybe for the genetically gifted, I guess I didn't deserve to have the "best years of my life"
R: 13 / I: 1
For example when I do badly in a video game I instantly say "it's badly designed, the enemy is using overpowered characters, bad RNG" when I know it's me.
Another example is I was taking drawing lessons and expected praise even though I was just doing a simple exercise. I can't help comparing myself to others even though most of the time it's unfavorable to me.
When sharing my opinions I can't help but think about how good and unique that opinion is instead of just selflessly adding to the conversation without expecting praise in return.
Even though by now as a wizard NEET I have proof of my BELOW mediocrity I still cling to my ego as a cope.
How to let go of ego?
I realized that my ego is a big reason for my lack of progress. It sounds silly to have an ego when you have no talents or accomplishments but by just experiencing life from my first person perspective and having self-awareness gives me a certain feeling of self-importance. The thing is that I'm aware of it and yet can't let go.For example when I do badly in a video game I instantly say "it's badly designed, the enemy is using overpowered characters, bad RNG" when I know it's me.
Another example is I was taking drawing lessons and expected praise even though I was just doing a simple exercise. I can't help comparing myself to others even though most of the time it's unfavorable to me.
When sharing my opinions I can't help but think about how good and unique that opinion is instead of just selflessly adding to the conversation without expecting praise in return.
Even though by now as a wizard NEET I have proof of my BELOW mediocrity I still cling to my ego as a cope.
R: 10 / I: 0
Well, today I feel better, but if even small health problem is big problem for me, what I would do if I ll be old and there would be serious health problems almost for sure?
When I have some health problem, every problem I have now or had in the past is a history, nothing importand in comparission with pain I feel then.
Sickness, lack of heath
I came to conclusion that we, human beings are weaklings, when we have some health's problems. Yesterday, I ate soup and within one minute I vomited it all and felt so fucking weak and tired, so I just laid on the floor and felt asleep and I slept for 4 hours. I slept on the floor, like some animal, like dog.Well, today I feel better, but if even small health problem is big problem for me, what I would do if I ll be old and there would be serious health problems almost for sure?
When I have some health problem, every problem I have now or had in the past is a history, nothing importand in comparission with pain I feel then.
R: 27 / I: 5
>I am better than you. Much better than you. I am smarter than you. And I am more beautiful than you.
>And you are failure, dickhead, rag, moron, worthless human being, so you should listen to me!
A lot of asholes in this world, who has superiority complex.
But I guess it all started at home, at very young age. My mother, when I was under aged used to tell me also that she is much smarter than me, so I shouldnt make my own decisions, but listen to her.
I have invalid behavior patterns, I wish I could rebirth, so I could fix myself and try once again.
Asholes who speak with superiority
Lot of people in my life said to me something, but in reality the sense of their words is like that:>I am better than you. Much better than you. I am smarter than you. And I am more beautiful than you.
>And you are failure, dickhead, rag, moron, worthless human being, so you should listen to me!
A lot of asholes in this world, who has superiority complex.
But I guess it all started at home, at very young age. My mother, when I was under aged used to tell me also that she is much smarter than me, so I shouldnt make my own decisions, but listen to her.
I have invalid behavior patterns, I wish I could rebirth, so I could fix myself and try once again.
R: 65 / I: 10
How to regain confidence in yourself?
Any time I am thinking about improving myself I look back on YEARS of non-existent discipline and passed opportunities. I think about learning something and then remember how every time I tried in the past I quickly stopped. At this point I feel like I am physically incapable of anything but lying in bed and sitting on my computer distracting myself to not have to exercise focus, thought or be confronted with hard bitter truths which just get more bitter the more years I spend doing nothing. It just feels like there is something fundamentally lacking in me. Like the discipline switch is defective and can't be turned on. Even when I hear from someone who suffers from severe health problems accomplishing something instead of feeling inspired I just feel even worse about myself not doing anything. I have 0 accomplishments that I can look at as proof "I can do something". R: 1 / I: 0
Psychosomatic Pain
Does anyone experience somatization? It's like a circular feedback for me. When I feel stressed, excess body pain occurs. This makes harder to cope with situation that cause the stress
R: 14 / I: 1
I have been personally, emotionally attacked at work this week at I can't even sleep because of it. I will not be at peace until I will have my vengeance.
Revenge
Are vengeful? What's the best what to get revenge on somebody (within legal limits)?I have been personally, emotionally attacked at work this week at I can't even sleep because of it. I will not be at peace until I will have my vengeance.
R: 0 / I: 0
How do I cause myself physical pain without leaving visible injuries or causing permanent damage?
How do I cause myself physical pain without leaving visible injuries or causing permanent damage?
R: 12 / I: 0
recall one memory during school when you felt betrayed and/or shamed.
For I, It was during last year of college, teacher asked me what I was going to do next year and at which school should I go, I was complete silence too ashamed to speak and the class was silent and everyone was watching me
recall one memory during school when you felt betrayed and/or shamed.
For I, It was during last year of college, teacher asked me what I was going to do next year and at which school should I go, I was complete silence too ashamed to speak and the class was silent and everyone was watching me
R: 76 / I: 9
everytime i try to talk with another Sapiens, i unironically sound like a low iq fallout avatar, honestly i don't think i can ever fix it, am i just retarded or something? wish i knew the normies secret, people are bizarrely complicated and i probably will never learn how to deal with their complexity.
How do Normies manage it??
Recently i've been playing a lot of dating sims and it showed me how apathetic i am about human relations, i'm so distant and incompatible with other people worldview (especially succubis), how do others Sub 8 at my age have so many friends and already had engaged in multiple relationships?everytime i try to talk with another Sapiens, i unironically sound like a low iq fallout avatar, honestly i don't think i can ever fix it, am i just retarded or something? wish i knew the normies secret, people are bizarrely complicated and i probably will never learn how to deal with their complexity.
R: 52 / I: 5
I'm turning 29 very soon.
After many years of being part of this community, I don't really feel like I can relate to most of you anymore. Reading your posts remind me too much of my younger self, and many past mistakes that took me years to stabilize.
Things have not improved, they tend to get worse and worse, year after year. What has definitely changed for me is the way I deal with these problems, and this is where I can't relate with most of you. Whining won't make problems go away, making whatever problem you have worse is not something wise to be proud of, and there's no shame in trying to better your situation.
Whatever.
I'm turning 29 very soon.
After many years of being part of this community, I don't really feel like I can relate to most of you anymore. Reading your posts remind me too much of my younger self, and many past mistakes that took me years to stabilize.
Things have not improved, they tend to get worse and worse, year after year. What has definitely changed for me is the way I deal with these problems, and this is where I can't relate with most of you. Whining won't make problems go away, making whatever problem you have worse is not something wise to be proud of, and there's no shame in trying to better your situation.
Whatever.
R: 43 / I: 1
Joining a Church?
Any of the wizkin here ever seriously considered joining a church? I have been thinking about it but do not know how I would go about it…not to mention being unsure if I actually believe in Christianity. At least a church offers some sense of community…it must be better than total isolation. R: 1 / I: 0
I think my oldest dog can be ill. She's 11, a mutt. I had told my mother multiple times that she had a protrusion in her chest. Turns out my mother just ignored my words, never got her checked. Now the protrusion is bigger and she got a new protrusion.
Am I exaggerating by feeling angry about this? My parents neglected and abused me, I see they apply the same behavior with our 2 female dogs. My mother threatens to call police on me if I take any of these dogs outside by myself. I hate my parents, they're crazy and I'm crazy and everything I say is invalid. I'm considering not taking care of my parents at all (or just taking care of their health with no emotional or physical investment).
Our family pet dogs are the only thing I love, and my parents even manage to harm that, I hate my parents.
I think my oldest dog can be ill. She's 11, a mutt. I had told my mother multiple times that she had a protrusion in her chest. Turns out my mother just ignored my words, never got her checked. Now the protrusion is bigger and she got a new protrusion.
Am I exaggerating by feeling angry about this? My parents neglected and abused me, I see they apply the same behavior with our 2 female dogs. My mother threatens to call police on me if I take any of these dogs outside by myself. I hate my parents, they're crazy and I'm crazy and everything I say is invalid. I'm considering not taking care of my parents at all (or just taking care of their health with no emotional or physical investment).
Our family pet dogs are the only thing I love, and my parents even manage to harm that, I hate my parents.
R: 9 / I: 0
I've skipped about two weeks worth of classes and went from a A to C-. When I go back to my next class next week I'm gonna get noticed and people are gonna talk to me like I'm supposed to be their friend. I also 2 weeks worth of assignments due and an exam for another class that I bothered to attend. The other class has no normies so nobody talks to each other. Starting to feel like I need to be on medication. Also I'm having the government pay for my education, so if I have to retake these classes it is highly likely I will be paying out of pocket which means I won't be buying a car this summer.
I actually prefer employment to this but my job is dealing with assholes all day, and it stresses me out, which causes me to not do my assignments. I literally just sit at the cenegage calendar for 5-6 hours and not do any of the assignments as they slowly become unavailable. I lied to my professor before about how I just get busy at work but the truth is I'm not that busy and I just stare at a blank screen like someone would stare at a piece of paper.
I've skipped about two weeks worth of classes and went from a A to C-. When I go back to my next class next week I'm gonna get noticed and people are gonna talk to me like I'm supposed to be their friend. I also 2 weeks worth of assignments due and an exam for another class that I bothered to attend. The other class has no normies so nobody talks to each other. Starting to feel like I need to be on medication. Also I'm having the government pay for my education, so if I have to retake these classes it is highly likely I will be paying out of pocket which means I won't be buying a car this summer.
I actually prefer employment to this but my job is dealing with assholes all day, and it stresses me out, which causes me to not do my assignments. I literally just sit at the cenegage calendar for 5-6 hours and not do any of the assignments as they slowly become unavailable. I lied to my professor before about how I just get busy at work but the truth is I'm not that busy and I just stare at a blank screen like someone would stare at a piece of paper.
R: 3 / I: 0
you can not even imagine
you can not even imagine
R: 321 / I: 39
Depression Crawl Thread LII
Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread. R: 5 / I: 2
I need a reason to live tonight, I have 3 bottles of meds and I want to die. Why should I stay alive?
If I don't get a reason tonight I'm livestreaming my death.
I need a reason to live tonight, I have 3 bottles of meds and I want to die. Why should I stay alive?
If I don't get a reason tonight I'm livestreaming my death.
R: 1 / I: 0
Everytime im even slightly happy I manage to fuck it up every time I think its going well the next its all gone again.
Its so frustrating
Everytime im even slightly happy I manage to fuck it up every time I think its going well the next its all gone again.
Its so frustrating
R: 4 / I: 0
Is there any way to intentionally or fake getting a bloody eye? I need some kind of valuable excuse because I can't handle things anymore and need to find a proper setup to leave or somethinf
Is there any way to intentionally or fake getting a bloody eye? I need some kind of valuable excuse because I can't handle things anymore and need to find a proper setup to leave or somethinf
R: 54 / I: 6
I am considering becoming a NEET. I have a psychiatric condition which will enable me to collect money from the government. I have a place to live, no issues. I have a supportive family. My questions are as follows: is there anything you wish you knew before becoming NEET? Is it terrible? Is it good?
Suffering has become the defining quality of my existence, and it has been the case for over a decade. I have been on many different medications, to no avail. The best that the medications do is stop psychosis, which is the least they can do. But I can't shake the knowledge that non-being is preferable to being, especially in today's "modern world." I wasn't meant for it. I am almost comically opposed to it in every way, in theory and function. That's a discussion for another day.
I have wanted to die for over a decade, even before the onset of my symptoms, and the only reason I am here is not because of anything keeping me bound here, but because I don't have a reliable method. It's gotten to the point that I understand suicides now. I used to think "but what about the family left behind…" I feel nothing of the sort now anymore. The only feeling I have is shame that my father's son, his only child, would turn out this way.
I'm wondering if NEET will help, to just withdraw from everything. I don't desire anything that society alleges that it can give (money, a succubus, prestige, etc.) I haven't had a friend since high school, and I have no one but my mother and father. I just want to read, write, and make art, and distract myself from my suffering.
Also, part of me wonders if I get my shrink to give me amphetamines, maybe that will help? But I think he will be stingy and claim that it may cause psychosis.
Thank you for reading this, and any input is valued.
Entering NEET
Hello wizards,I am considering becoming a NEET. I have a psychiatric condition which will enable me to collect money from the government. I have a place to live, no issues. I have a supportive family. My questions are as follows: is there anything you wish you knew before becoming NEET? Is it terrible? Is it good?
Suffering has become the defining quality of my existence, and it has been the case for over a decade. I have been on many different medications, to no avail. The best that the medications do is stop psychosis, which is the least they can do. But I can't shake the knowledge that non-being is preferable to being, especially in today's "modern world." I wasn't meant for it. I am almost comically opposed to it in every way, in theory and function. That's a discussion for another day.
I have wanted to die for over a decade, even before the onset of my symptoms, and the only reason I am here is not because of anything keeping me bound here, but because I don't have a reliable method. It's gotten to the point that I understand suicides now. I used to think "but what about the family left behind…" I feel nothing of the sort now anymore. The only feeling I have is shame that my father's son, his only child, would turn out this way.
I'm wondering if NEET will help, to just withdraw from everything. I don't desire anything that society alleges that it can give (money, a succubus, prestige, etc.) I haven't had a friend since high school, and I have no one but my mother and father. I just want to read, write, and make art, and distract myself from my suffering.
Also, part of me wonders if I get my shrink to give me amphetamines, maybe that will help? But I think he will be stingy and claim that it may cause psychosis.
Thank you for reading this, and any input is valued.
R: 54 / I: 2
I smoked for one year, been sober for 5 years and I still crave it every single day.
If you can still smoke, then smoke it. Smoke it everyday. Life is awful. There's nothing wrong with getting high 24/7 to forget your problems. I'm sober and it's not worth it. I'd do anything to go to the time when I was a pothead. It was the best period of my life.
Some people suggested drinking to cope, but I hate alcohol. It's not the same thing.
Being depressed because I can't smoke weed anymore
I miss being a pothead so much. All day chilling and feeling good while listening to music… I miss that. I can't smoke weed anymore because I think I developed schizophrenia after a psychotic episode I had after sniffing some shitty cocaine (ended up in a mental hospital for 15 days). Every time I tried weed after that episode, I didn't get the usual effects, just felt really awful, confused and paranoid.I smoked for one year, been sober for 5 years and I still crave it every single day.
If you can still smoke, then smoke it. Smoke it everyday. Life is awful. There's nothing wrong with getting high 24/7 to forget your problems. I'm sober and it's not worth it. I'd do anything to go to the time when I was a pothead. It was the best period of my life.
Some people suggested drinking to cope, but I hate alcohol. It's not the same thing.
R: 38 / I: 1
Last Time You Were Happy
The last time I actually felt happy was when I was 8 or 9. Everything I consider "good" is only good by virtue of being marginally less shitty than everything else out there. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I'm scared of death and want to believe I can be "happy" again. Weed is probably the closest I will get to that childlike feeling, but it makes me even more miserable and retarded when I'm sober so I know I have to stop smoking it
R: 2 / I: 1
Yesterday I slept all day and when I woke up, I stayed in bed doing nothing. Today I just shitposted all day, but even shitposting doesn't bring me as much joy as it did when I was 16 (I'm 25).
Does anyone else here suffer from boredom/tedium as if it was a disease?
I don't like games. I don't watch Youtube. I read once in a while, but most of the time books bore me. Movies bore me. Music bores me.Yesterday I slept all day and when I woke up, I stayed in bed doing nothing. Today I just shitposted all day, but even shitposting doesn't bring me as much joy as it did when I was 16 (I'm 25).
R: 19 / I: 1
I used to be pretty into it as a teen. I was never very fit mind-you, was always a bit sickly, but I enjoyed doing it.
Been watching a lot of Sumo wrestling and that got me pumped-up to try exercising again…
It wasn't as particularly fulfilling as I'd hoped.
I basically have to drag my ass to the gym and don't feel any better after doing it.
On work-days it means I get home 1hr+ later than usual too.
Exercise
Any of you work out or exercise? Lets have a discussion about itI used to be pretty into it as a teen. I was never very fit mind-you, was always a bit sickly, but I enjoyed doing it.
Been watching a lot of Sumo wrestling and that got me pumped-up to try exercising again…
It wasn't as particularly fulfilling as I'd hoped.
I basically have to drag my ass to the gym and don't feel any better after doing it.
On work-days it means I get home 1hr+ later than usual too.
R: 8 / I: 1
Definitive method of suicide
I see that there are many people here who hate themselves, who want to stop suffering and end their existence once and for all. Well, I was reflecting a bit on what is the best method, and I came to the conclusion that among all the methods that exist, this is one of the best, if not the best, since it is free of all pain, since you lived a lifetime in pain doesn't have to mean a death in the same way. Returning to the topic of interest, these are medicines, pills that you can get anywhere, but mainly pharmacies, although there are many people who sell them without a prescription because it is something common. That yes, they can be expensive but a small cost for a great benefit. If you really want to stop suffering, allow yourself to feel some emotion, end your conscience, and everything you are as a person, then I highly recommend it. that you take "citalopram", it depends a lot on the person, but in general with 40mg you can end everything at once, but if you add an enhancer like oralzapine there if it is a lethal dose for your person, half the pill will suffice the lowest dose. Of course you're going to need a prescription from somewhere, and money, but it shouldn't be a problem in your situation, just go to any mental health doctor and tell him about your problem, he'll prescribe it like candy, or whatever. In any case, he will recommend other powerful drugs that fall into the SSRI category. With this method you make sure that you are not yourself, that you are dead in life, where you are "alive" on the outside, but what is your person, your being, and everything that makes you die, including your problems, fears. , anguish, low self-esteem, etc., but empathy, happiness, any aspiration you have will also disappear, it is in definition the death of the person. You will basically live like a carefree dog that just eats, shits and sleeps. R: 0 / I: 0
If anyone wants to see a suicide livestream here's one. It's from 2018. Enjoy everyone.
This made my day.
https://archive.org/details/3085905aaa-3ccf-6b-14dIf anyone wants to see a suicide livestream here's one. It's from 2018. Enjoy everyone.
R: 15 / I: 0
Have you ever had normies passively aggressively mock/tease you for your misery? When i worked at this asian grocery store my fucking coworkers always had to point it out. Fuck them, hate that shit. Its the mental health equivalent of a rich/well off person laughing at a homeless person. in an ideal world people who do this should be publicly humiliated. AND they stole my last paycheck. i really oughta burn that place to the ground but their shitty business went under already
Have you ever had normies passively aggressively mock/tease you for your misery? When i worked at this asian grocery store my fucking coworkers always had to point it out. Fuck them, hate that shit. Its the mental health equivalent of a rich/well off person laughing at a homeless person. in an ideal world people who do this should be publicly humiliated. AND they stole my last paycheck. i really oughta burn that place to the ground but their shitty business went under already
R: 46 / I: 5
What's scary is that I remember having this realization first 10 years ago when I failed the first year of college. And then I just kept failing every year and having this moment every year with nothing changing. I had intense arguments with my parents where I ended up crying and thinking "I can't keep living like this I need to grow up and move out". I watched a moving film about someone wasting his life and it felt impossible to go back to doing nothing after that. And yet…
Now I'm a 31y NEET and I feel like I fast forwarded to this point. After all how could I have let it get this bad if I am conscious and have control over myself?
Every time I feel like THIS IS IT I recognized the problem and I have the power to change it but it seems like that feeling is an illusion. While I am still in this moment how do I keep myself from going back to my routine of distracting myself with instant gratification activities?
How do I stop living on autopilot?
It keeps happening to me. I have a moment where I am in shock over how much time I wasted or I get into an argument with my parents . I keep asking myself: "how could I have let things get this bad?" and then I realize it's because I then go back to my routine and distractions without changing anything. Of course this will keep happening like this.What's scary is that I remember having this realization first 10 years ago when I failed the first year of college. And then I just kept failing every year and having this moment every year with nothing changing. I had intense arguments with my parents where I ended up crying and thinking "I can't keep living like this I need to grow up and move out". I watched a moving film about someone wasting his life and it felt impossible to go back to doing nothing after that. And yet…
Now I'm a 31y NEET and I feel like I fast forwarded to this point. After all how could I have let it get this bad if I am conscious and have control over myself?
Every time I feel like THIS IS IT I recognized the problem and I have the power to change it but it seems like that feeling is an illusion. While I am still in this moment how do I keep myself from going back to my routine of distracting myself with instant gratification activities?
R: 14 / I: 2
For something to even register as joy for me it has to be extraordinary but even then it doesn't last long. I used to get joy from the novelty of discovering new things but after all these years I can't find anything new enough to feel excitement. Just consuming things doesn't give me joy anymore.
Anything that I imagine could give me joy now would take a very long time to achieve and without immediate satisfaction I don't have the motivation to do something. I've cried because I sat at my computer and had no ways of feeling any immediate joy.
I had the hope that maybe anti-depressants could lower this joy threshold but nope.
How can I learn to enjoy the ordinary day to day journey on the way to potentially reach an exciting goal?
What do about high happiness threshold?
This is the reason why I can't get anything done.For something to even register as joy for me it has to be extraordinary but even then it doesn't last long. I used to get joy from the novelty of discovering new things but after all these years I can't find anything new enough to feel excitement. Just consuming things doesn't give me joy anymore.
Anything that I imagine could give me joy now would take a very long time to achieve and without immediate satisfaction I don't have the motivation to do something. I've cried because I sat at my computer and had no ways of feeling any immediate joy.
I had the hope that maybe anti-depressants could lower this joy threshold but nope.
How can I learn to enjoy the ordinary day to day journey on the way to potentially reach an exciting goal?
R: 0 / I: 0
I fear my drug trips are my true emotions. The feeling my mind is a 2-D hell scape with uncontrollable anxiety, desperately fighting to be aware of have some sign of beauty. I'm aware now of what I truly feel underneath the anger and pleasure seeking. Hobbies I partake in don't seem to cull this. But, merely make me more aware. These cluttered thoughts I cannot decipher besides regret and desire. Being aware 24/7 is hell and nothing I do now is able to shut it down. I'm literally stupid and forget things easily. My mind is at a race against time while remaining contemplating. I tried zen Buddhist meditation but it culls me in anxiety more. I truly wish depression over this anxious nightmare. I just can't enjoy things besides having another dopamine rush. This transfers to the people in my life, my family. I can't talk to them besides what gratification they give to me. Or usually when they talk to me, I wish for it to end. Where is the still calm beauty? The ability to empathize? Am I destined for eternal torment after death? Will death be more merciful? Will thoughts and feelings finally be whole again while I become mentally capable?
I fear my drug trips are my true emotions. The feeling my mind is a 2-D hell scape with uncontrollable anxiety, desperately fighting to be aware of have some sign of beauty. I'm aware now of what I truly feel underneath the anger and pleasure seeking. Hobbies I partake in don't seem to cull this. But, merely make me more aware. These cluttered thoughts I cannot decipher besides regret and desire. Being aware 24/7 is hell and nothing I do now is able to shut it down. I'm literally stupid and forget things easily. My mind is at a race against time while remaining contemplating. I tried zen Buddhist meditation but it culls me in anxiety more. I truly wish depression over this anxious nightmare. I just can't enjoy things besides having another dopamine rush. This transfers to the people in my life, my family. I can't talk to them besides what gratification they give to me. Or usually when they talk to me, I wish for it to end. Where is the still calm beauty? The ability to empathize? Am I destined for eternal torment after death? Will death be more merciful? Will thoughts and feelings finally be whole again while I become mentally capable?
R: 17 / I: 2
As a child I used to be interested in various things. From simple things like playing catch or playing with toys for hours on end. Then I enjoyed video games, and I took up reading and enjoyed it as well. I even dabbled into programming and learning languages. But suddenly at around 14, I ceased to feel any pleasure for anything.
Now I don't enjoy video games, I don't enjoy literature, movies, or pretty much anything. Same with social interactions. My whole day, because of this, is spent browsing the internet meaninglessly, trying to fill the void of a long day. I try to sleep as much as I can.
I'm not isolating myself willingly, it's simply that I'm not interested and don't feel pleasure about anything. At my stage I even envy people who play games 15 hours per day or get obsessed about any kind of hobby, no matter how absurd it is, because I don't even have that.
I've had multiple therapies, taken many different kinds of medications and nothing has worked.
I'm simply thinking more and more that suicide is the only option, but I'm scared about suffering, and I don't want to traumatize the one who will find my body and clean up my messy room.
I don't see the point in working hard at anything, because even in my free time I just feel bored and without any pleasure, so what's the point of having money anyway?
And despite being like that for many years (for 15 years now), I still absurdly cling to the hope that some day I will feel better. But I've waited long enough and that day has never come.
Not being interested in anything
Does anyone else struggle with this?As a child I used to be interested in various things. From simple things like playing catch or playing with toys for hours on end. Then I enjoyed video games, and I took up reading and enjoyed it as well. I even dabbled into programming and learning languages. But suddenly at around 14, I ceased to feel any pleasure for anything.
Now I don't enjoy video games, I don't enjoy literature, movies, or pretty much anything. Same with social interactions. My whole day, because of this, is spent browsing the internet meaninglessly, trying to fill the void of a long day. I try to sleep as much as I can.
I'm not isolating myself willingly, it's simply that I'm not interested and don't feel pleasure about anything. At my stage I even envy people who play games 15 hours per day or get obsessed about any kind of hobby, no matter how absurd it is, because I don't even have that.
I've had multiple therapies, taken many different kinds of medications and nothing has worked.
I'm simply thinking more and more that suicide is the only option, but I'm scared about suffering, and I don't want to traumatize the one who will find my body and clean up my messy room.
I don't see the point in working hard at anything, because even in my free time I just feel bored and without any pleasure, so what's the point of having money anyway?
And despite being like that for many years (for 15 years now), I still absurdly cling to the hope that some day I will feel better. But I've waited long enough and that day has never come.
R: 22 / I: 2
First there is a subjective aspect of my condition. I feel few if any pleasure in daily activities that most people derive pleasure out from. This includes any kind of entertainment, hobby, sports or activity. As a result I'm left on my bed, struggling to even get up, because I feel like there is simply nothing worth living for, or more truly said, that there is nothing that can give me pleasure.
Then there is an objective aspect of my condition. I believe that the world and its values are meaningless, that it would be just the same if I had lived or never lived, if I was alive or dead. That all actions and thoughts are devoid of value, and therefore it is just as valid that I do nothing in my life than it is that I do something. This is a prime example of nihilism.
But it seems very easy to contradict this pure nihilism. The very fact that we are able to ascribe a meaning to meaninglessness negates the idea that everything is meaningless, since meaninglessness itself is a meaning. It is the meaning of the lack of meaning.
Because we can think about lack of meaning, it follows that there is a meaning, just as because we can think of our non-existence, it proves that we exist.
It is a variation of the "I think, therefore I am" argument.
Except we can object that there can never be any total certitude about whether we think and exist at all.
There seems, at most, to exist a subjective impression that one exists and feels and an impression that we inhabit a physical reality from which we can derive patterns, characteristics and rules of interactions that constitute our thoughts.
But what exactly is certitude? If even the simple logical truths such as the truth of an addition, or the truth that I feel that I exist can't be proven totally certain because there is always the possibility that it is only an illusion, then certitude is neither meaning nor meaninglessness. It is neither existence nor non-existence. Certitude is unreachable.
We depressed people have the illness that we mistake meaninglessness with certitude and thus we see nothing to follow or like in life. An equally mistaken belief would be to mistake meaningfulness for certitude, and this is blind faith.
But in both cases it is an illogical thing. We depressed and cynical people are very quick to make fun and criticize people who have faith because we recognize that it is foolish to ascribe certitude to meaningfulness. But we fail to recognize and aknowledge that we are equally as foolish as them, for we ascribe certitude to meaninglessness.
One has to let this previous truth sink to its total extent, and whenever one gets mad by a sort of blind negative faith in meaninglessness, one must remember that certitude is not possible, and one must cleanse his mind of the very idea of it.
Everything, therefore, is a kind of half certitude, or muddied certitude. Our life is an infinitely complex and intricate body of half certitudes, just as non-existence is an inifinitely simple body of half certitude. And the infinite complexity of existence is subjectively governed by our subjective logics.
Therefore, what is there to do?
Because we have ascribed that the question of the certitude of the meaningfulness or meaninglessness of life is intractable, the problem of our depression comes back to the first knot, the subjective experience of depression.
The feeling that nothing can bring us pleasure, and that therefore it is not worth living or doing anything. By saying that, in a way, we do acknowledge that if we felt enough pleasure , we would wish to continue to live and to do things. So the question, in essence, becomes easy: is there a way to control our emotions so as to feel more pleasure when we do activities?
There are two things that you can do with feelings, and it is to either amplify them or reduce them.
The easiest and most intuitive thing we are able to do is to reduce our feelings. We learn that in our childhood, and even more so when we have suffered abuse. We learn to reduce the feeling of fear, pain and sadness when we are confronted with a threatening situation or are assaulted, for example.
It is also possible to willfully amplify one's emotions. This is way less intuitive and natural, but it is possible. For example you can picture yourself, right now, willfully bringing into your mind all the traumatic events that you might have lived in your youth, or all the accumulated sadness from your frustration with yourself, and doing that intensely enough, you can bring yourself to cry.
You can willfully do that with joy and pleasure as well.
But because the thoughts and ideas that support emotions are grounded on actions and experiences that we had, it is also important to act and get experiences from which to derive joy.
It is theoretically possible to amplify a reasonable amount of pleasure, making life feel like it's worth living for, from a very small amount of thoughts and experiences. But it is very impractical, because the sustenance of healthy life and the minimization of pain requires a minimum of actions to be conducted. And by performing more meaningful actions that seem on first glance to be able to become the foundation for future pleasure to arise from, then we give ourself more possibility of pleasure arising.
It is therefore our obligation to act in such a way as seems on first glance that it will provide us pleasure. And logically, we should target the highest possible of these actions, that seem to provide us in the future the maximum of pleasure.
And let's not lie to ourselves, we may be depressed, we may devalue ourselves, but we know what we woudl want, smothered beneath our despair, if we were allowed to b a little happier than we are now.
Having said all of that, I'll take my shower, close this website, begin to act towards something that will bring me pleasure, and forget all that madness as if it had all been but a bad dream, and I hope that you do the same.
Rambling my way out of depression
The knot of my depression problem is doublefold, one is purely subjective, and the other is objective. Let me explain.First there is a subjective aspect of my condition. I feel few if any pleasure in daily activities that most people derive pleasure out from. This includes any kind of entertainment, hobby, sports or activity. As a result I'm left on my bed, struggling to even get up, because I feel like there is simply nothing worth living for, or more truly said, that there is nothing that can give me pleasure.
Then there is an objective aspect of my condition. I believe that the world and its values are meaningless, that it would be just the same if I had lived or never lived, if I was alive or dead. That all actions and thoughts are devoid of value, and therefore it is just as valid that I do nothing in my life than it is that I do something. This is a prime example of nihilism.
But it seems very easy to contradict this pure nihilism. The very fact that we are able to ascribe a meaning to meaninglessness negates the idea that everything is meaningless, since meaninglessness itself is a meaning. It is the meaning of the lack of meaning.
Because we can think about lack of meaning, it follows that there is a meaning, just as because we can think of our non-existence, it proves that we exist.
It is a variation of the "I think, therefore I am" argument.
Except we can object that there can never be any total certitude about whether we think and exist at all.
There seems, at most, to exist a subjective impression that one exists and feels and an impression that we inhabit a physical reality from which we can derive patterns, characteristics and rules of interactions that constitute our thoughts.
But what exactly is certitude? If even the simple logical truths such as the truth of an addition, or the truth that I feel that I exist can't be proven totally certain because there is always the possibility that it is only an illusion, then certitude is neither meaning nor meaninglessness. It is neither existence nor non-existence. Certitude is unreachable.
We depressed people have the illness that we mistake meaninglessness with certitude and thus we see nothing to follow or like in life. An equally mistaken belief would be to mistake meaningfulness for certitude, and this is blind faith.
But in both cases it is an illogical thing. We depressed and cynical people are very quick to make fun and criticize people who have faith because we recognize that it is foolish to ascribe certitude to meaningfulness. But we fail to recognize and aknowledge that we are equally as foolish as them, for we ascribe certitude to meaninglessness.
One has to let this previous truth sink to its total extent, and whenever one gets mad by a sort of blind negative faith in meaninglessness, one must remember that certitude is not possible, and one must cleanse his mind of the very idea of it.
Everything, therefore, is a kind of half certitude, or muddied certitude. Our life is an infinitely complex and intricate body of half certitudes, just as non-existence is an inifinitely simple body of half certitude. And the infinite complexity of existence is subjectively governed by our subjective logics.
Therefore, what is there to do?
Because we have ascribed that the question of the certitude of the meaningfulness or meaninglessness of life is intractable, the problem of our depression comes back to the first knot, the subjective experience of depression.
The feeling that nothing can bring us pleasure, and that therefore it is not worth living or doing anything. By saying that, in a way, we do acknowledge that if we felt enough pleasure , we would wish to continue to live and to do things. So the question, in essence, becomes easy: is there a way to control our emotions so as to feel more pleasure when we do activities?
There are two things that you can do with feelings, and it is to either amplify them or reduce them.
The easiest and most intuitive thing we are able to do is to reduce our feelings. We learn that in our childhood, and even more so when we have suffered abuse. We learn to reduce the feeling of fear, pain and sadness when we are confronted with a threatening situation or are assaulted, for example.
It is also possible to willfully amplify one's emotions. This is way less intuitive and natural, but it is possible. For example you can picture yourself, right now, willfully bringing into your mind all the traumatic events that you might have lived in your youth, or all the accumulated sadness from your frustration with yourself, and doing that intensely enough, you can bring yourself to cry.
You can willfully do that with joy and pleasure as well.
But because the thoughts and ideas that support emotions are grounded on actions and experiences that we had, it is also important to act and get experiences from which to derive joy.
It is theoretically possible to amplify a reasonable amount of pleasure, making life feel like it's worth living for, from a very small amount of thoughts and experiences. But it is very impractical, because the sustenance of healthy life and the minimization of pain requires a minimum of actions to be conducted. And by performing more meaningful actions that seem on first glance to be able to become the foundation for future pleasure to arise from, then we give ourself more possibility of pleasure arising.
It is therefore our obligation to act in such a way as seems on first glance that it will provide us pleasure. And logically, we should target the highest possible of these actions, that seem to provide us in the future the maximum of pleasure.
And let's not lie to ourselves, we may be depressed, we may devalue ourselves, but we know what we woudl want, smothered beneath our despair, if we were allowed to b a little happier than we are now.
Having said all of that, I'll take my shower, close this website, begin to act towards something that will bring me pleasure, and forget all that madness as if it had all been but a bad dream, and I hope that you do the same.
R: 1 / I: 0
Every bit of information slides past me that others pick up on, lived most of my life in auto pilot mode, everything was done for me and didn't really think and wasn't aware most of my life. Here I am aware of being unaware which terrifies me, at the same time being aware is over stimulating with different possibilities rendering me to lack creativity and to shut down my mind. Sometimes when reading I often catch myself drifting off mentally. Thinking about regrets and desires I even second guess myself wondering if I truly would appreciate it. Scatter minded even writing this im genuinely fighting to stay aware. Unlike most people here I can't remain still or lay in bed. (Not looking down on anyone sorry if it sounds like that) Just pure dread follows me, I cant even sleep without feeling dread from how my mind was able to make a scenario and torment me in someway. I sometimes fear death thinking back to how will my mind torment me for eternity, will I have mental clarity, will there be anyone to go back to in this world to have a bit of a break from my eternal torment? Will I still be mentally clouded and unaware of my surroundings lacking a monologue? Maybe I am an error and wasnt meant to be born? Maybe reincarnation exists… Maybe this feeling of dread will go away and I will finally have mental clarity. Or maybe this is a sign I have not matured yet.
Every bit of information slides past me that others pick up on, lived most of my life in auto pilot mode, everything was done for me and didn't really think and wasn't aware most of my life. Here I am aware of being unaware which terrifies me, at the same time being aware is over stimulating with different possibilities rendering me to lack creativity and to shut down my mind. Sometimes when reading I often catch myself drifting off mentally. Thinking about regrets and desires I even second guess myself wondering if I truly would appreciate it. Scatter minded even writing this im genuinely fighting to stay aware. Unlike most people here I can't remain still or lay in bed. (Not looking down on anyone sorry if it sounds like that) Just pure dread follows me, I cant even sleep without feeling dread from how my mind was able to make a scenario and torment me in someway. I sometimes fear death thinking back to how will my mind torment me for eternity, will I have mental clarity, will there be anyone to go back to in this world to have a bit of a break from my eternal torment? Will I still be mentally clouded and unaware of my surroundings lacking a monologue? Maybe I am an error and wasnt meant to be born? Maybe reincarnation exists… Maybe this feeling of dread will go away and I will finally have mental clarity. Or maybe this is a sign I have not matured yet.
R: 10 / I: 0
I feel so disappointed in myself.
I am lucky to live in a time of unprecedented opportunity for acquiring knowledge and expressing skill. And yet I don't make use of this unique opportunity. I have self-awareness to recognize my issues and yet I'm too lazy to take action.
At the same time looking back if I stayed the same between several months and years why would I expect from myself to suddenly find the will to change? Which makes me feel even worse that I sub-consciously accepted this low opinion of myself with no attempts to prove myself wrong. I just feel like with my self-awareness I should have known better but every time I had a moment of clarity where I felt shocked over all the wasted time I quickly retreated to some kind of distraction like the internet.
Several times people pointed out I got a defeatist loser mentality and yet while aware of it I still follow it.
All this disappointment just makes my mental worse and every small mistake makes me spiral into internal monologue self-flagellation. But making mistakes is unavoidable so this ironically hampers my growth which again just results in more self-hate.
How do I clear my mind so I can start learning things without the emotional baggage and actually progress in life?
I feel so disappointed in myself.
I am lucky to live in a time of unprecedented opportunity for acquiring knowledge and expressing skill. And yet I don't make use of this unique opportunity. I have self-awareness to recognize my issues and yet I'm too lazy to take action.
At the same time looking back if I stayed the same between several months and years why would I expect from myself to suddenly find the will to change? Which makes me feel even worse that I sub-consciously accepted this low opinion of myself with no attempts to prove myself wrong. I just feel like with my self-awareness I should have known better but every time I had a moment of clarity where I felt shocked over all the wasted time I quickly retreated to some kind of distraction like the internet.
Several times people pointed out I got a defeatist loser mentality and yet while aware of it I still follow it.
All this disappointment just makes my mental worse and every small mistake makes me spiral into internal monologue self-flagellation. But making mistakes is unavoidable so this ironically hampers my growth which again just results in more self-hate.
How do I clear my mind so I can start learning things without the emotional baggage and actually progress in life?
R: 4 / I: 0
Is anyone else's problems just not fixed by money? I'm talking about feelings of guilt, shame and regret. This could include things you've done that you're not proud of, criminal records attached to your name or other embarrassing things.
If I could give my life savings for the chance to wipe the slate clean, I would, but sadly I'm caught in the trap of modern life and struggling to untangle myself just makes the noose tighten around my neck.
I honestly don't know what I'm even living for anymore. Time just isn't healing the wounds and whenever I think about suicide it fills me with absolute fear. There really is no escape at this point.
Is anyone else's problems just not fixed by money? I'm talking about feelings of guilt, shame and regret. This could include things you've done that you're not proud of, criminal records attached to your name or other embarrassing things.
If I could give my life savings for the chance to wipe the slate clean, I would, but sadly I'm caught in the trap of modern life and struggling to untangle myself just makes the noose tighten around my neck.
I honestly don't know what I'm even living for anymore. Time just isn't healing the wounds and whenever I think about suicide it fills me with absolute fear. There really is no escape at this point.
R: 5 / I: 0
I'm angry, pretty angry to be honest. I know if I did something bad, I know if I did something good, I know if I'm lying, I know who I am, and I know what I feel. I could be many things, but not a depressive, much less a major depressive. I understand that the negligence was not done with bad intentions, in fact quite the opposite, but as the saying goes "the road to hell is paved with good intentions". The damage is already done, the money is already spent, and time, damn time is already wasted. It feels ugly to trust someone, and that he turns out to be incompetent, follow things to the letter, as long as I feel better and be able to improve my reactions a little more.
I came to the conclusion that the best thing of all is to forget, not to mention the subject again, to close this dark part in a locked drawer, and never to touch the subject again, but something inside of me asks for justice, judgment that It is not practical to apply whether by legal measures or not.
I'm angry, pretty angry to be honest. I know if I did something bad, I know if I did something good, I know if I'm lying, I know who I am, and I know what I feel. I could be many things, but not a depressive, much less a major depressive. I understand that the negligence was not done with bad intentions, in fact quite the opposite, but as the saying goes "the road to hell is paved with good intentions". The damage is already done, the money is already spent, and time, damn time is already wasted. It feels ugly to trust someone, and that he turns out to be incompetent, follow things to the letter, as long as I feel better and be able to improve my reactions a little more.
I came to the conclusion that the best thing of all is to forget, not to mention the subject again, to close this dark part in a locked drawer, and never to touch the subject again, but something inside of me asks for justice, judgment that It is not practical to apply whether by legal measures or not.
R: 3 / I: 1
I know you can do it bros. I know you can fight it. You probably fantasize about giving up every day, but trust me. This world is shitty, I know. Normalfags will try to tell you you're worthless for being this way, but they're wrong. They are retards. You just have to find the things which allow you to transcend this world and the shittiness of it. One day, we are all going to be happy
/dep/ discrimination
I don't think some of the posters here recognize that you can be a proud wizard and still be depressed. I'm not depressed BECAUSE I am a wizard, I'm depressed AND I'm a wizard. Depression affects wizards, normalfags, and crabs alike. The word would be infinitely better if this disease were eradicated, the same way it would be better if cancer were eradicated. And yet every time I tell someone I am depressed, they try to "fix" my problem by saying "exercise" or "meditate" or "stop fapping" or any of the other unoriginal improvefag sayings. No shit, you will feel better if you exercise. But that doesn't mean you won't have depression. I really want to feel better. I really, really do. I try so hard every day to be happy. Nobody understands that. Nobody understands that some of us have a deep sadness that's always there. They prescribe chemical solutions to a spiritual problem, not understanding that it is exactly that. A spiritual problem.I know you can do it bros. I know you can fight it. You probably fantasize about giving up every day, but trust me. This world is shitty, I know. Normalfags will try to tell you you're worthless for being this way, but they're wrong. They are retards. You just have to find the things which allow you to transcend this world and the shittiness of it. One day, we are all going to be happy
R: 9 / I: 0
Do you believe that technology and its derivatives have been beneficial to man?
Do you believe that technology and its derivatives have been beneficial to man?
R: 24 / I: 1
What is holding you back
If you are a wizard who likes to be creative or productive, what short-term/temporary things are currently holding you back from pursuing or making progress with the stuff you're doing?
R: 27 / I: 1
>Living in a 1st world country
Wasted school years when you have a lot of free time, no responsibilities, a mind that learns fast, no pressure and no expectations and free admission to stuff on staying home and playing video games.
Wasted essentially free college on trying to study something too boring and difficult for me and dropping out anyways instead of something I found interesting and would actually finish getting a degree in.
Wasted youth where you can try stuff out and fail several times doing absolutely nothing and thus making 0 experiences.
Wasted the years when my body was the healthiest and I had the most energy staying home all day.
Didn't get ahead and exercise while it still felt somewhat easy and didn't hurt.
Wasted the time I spent home all these years on toxic imageboards that just made my mental worse instead of playing the sea of interesting video games out there, or reading books or learning some kind of skill or productive hobby like drawing, programing, tinkering with electronics, sewing, cooking…
I still can't believe I am 30 and wasted my last 14 years like this. Kinda unbelievable when you realize how many awake hours that is. I have some one of a kind mindset problem that prevents me from doing anything. Any kind of "loser" I talk to at least had jobs, finished college or obsesses over some hobby. Life experience wise I'm like a baby while after years of sitting the body of a grandpa.
King of missed opportunities?
Has anyone missed more?>Living in a 1st world country
Wasted school years when you have a lot of free time, no responsibilities, a mind that learns fast, no pressure and no expectations and free admission to stuff on staying home and playing video games.
Wasted essentially free college on trying to study something too boring and difficult for me and dropping out anyways instead of something I found interesting and would actually finish getting a degree in.
Wasted youth where you can try stuff out and fail several times doing absolutely nothing and thus making 0 experiences.
Wasted the years when my body was the healthiest and I had the most energy staying home all day.
Didn't get ahead and exercise while it still felt somewhat easy and didn't hurt.
Wasted the time I spent home all these years on toxic imageboards that just made my mental worse instead of playing the sea of interesting video games out there, or reading books or learning some kind of skill or productive hobby like drawing, programing, tinkering with electronics, sewing, cooking…
I still can't believe I am 30 and wasted my last 14 years like this. Kinda unbelievable when you realize how many awake hours that is. I have some one of a kind mindset problem that prevents me from doing anything. Any kind of "loser" I talk to at least had jobs, finished college or obsesses over some hobby. Life experience wise I'm like a baby while after years of sitting the body of a grandpa.
R: 7 / I: 0
I live in a third world catholic country, so catholic holy week is "celebrated" here, most people spend a tranquil time with their families.
I am in this park high and drinking while staring at other people. I hate normgroids. I feel like a free wizard, instead of hiding in my room I went to a public park with decent traffic, and I am having a drug/alcohol picnic in front of these people, lots of families. Some people stare at me for a few seconds, I stare back.
This might sound dumb/edgy, but spending days like this boosts my confidence and self-esteem, and help me stabilize anxiety. Showing contempt to normgroids in front of them without causing conflict has been one of the most important life skills I've learned.
I live in a third world catholic country, so catholic holy week is "celebrated" here, most people spend a tranquil time with their families.
I am in this park high and drinking while staring at other people. I hate normgroids. I feel like a free wizard, instead of hiding in my room I went to a public park with decent traffic, and I am having a drug/alcohol picnic in front of these people, lots of families. Some people stare at me for a few seconds, I stare back.
This might sound dumb/edgy, but spending days like this boosts my confidence and self-esteem, and help me stabilize anxiety. Showing contempt to normgroids in front of them without causing conflict has been one of the most important life skills I've learned.
R: 18 / I: 4
I have nothing to lose and much to gain, and fear neither death,nor pain or injury or trials.
I will disability bux-maxx (fraud), welfare max and social-help max (trough more frauds) + work in family business and REAL business online, from my laptop. work-from-home.
BUT, here is the thing: I will move to the coldest, iciest, region of my Country. I will eat solely and exclusively raw and high fish, meat, eggs and dairy. I will be sleeping most of my day -every day-
Basically, ill be a neet aristocrat who lives without electricity or plumbing or heating or anything because he spends ALL his money on raw meat ,chunks on rotten-high butter and lard and chunks of fat. My breakfast will be blood sausage with salt and vinegar and my snacks will be bloodied rotten fish-heads.
I have nothing to lose and much to gain, and fear neither death,nor pain or injury or trials.
I will disability bux-maxx (fraud), welfare max and social-help max (trough more frauds) + work in family business and REAL business online, from my laptop. work-from-home.
BUT, here is the thing: I will move to the coldest, iciest, region of my Country. I will eat solely and exclusively raw and high fish, meat, eggs and dairy. I will be sleeping most of my day -every day-
Basically, ill be a neet aristocrat who lives without electricity or plumbing or heating or anything because he spends ALL his money on raw meat ,chunks on rotten-high butter and lard and chunks of fat. My breakfast will be blood sausage with salt and vinegar and my snacks will be bloodied rotten fish-heads.
R: 46 / I: 7
Anything “artistic” I’ve tried like drawing or blacksmithing literally looks like a child did it. My coach in high school tried to devise a plan with the team captains because I was “the least talented” and had to be compensated for. I’ve lost handball games to fourth graders. I cut my fingers off with a table saw (they were re attached).
I can’t enjoy anything because every time I try I just add another failure to my oeuvre. I used to think I just didn’t try hard enough because I was scared of failure, but now I’ve tried and failed again and again I realize trying is just a waste.
Maybe the worst part is that sometimes people don’t realize how incompetent I am until they see me in action. I can watch their faces change as they realize how stupid I am. They’re all nice about it, but they start treating me like a five year old.
I just wondered if any wizzies shared my experience.
Innately Useless
I’ve always been bad at everything. I always worked the slowest and still managed to make it shitty. When I’m given the simplest assignment conceivable I draw a blank and have to ask for help. I’m astonishingly error prone. I make an obvious mistake and then immediately understand what I did wrong, but that never prevents the next one.Anything “artistic” I’ve tried like drawing or blacksmithing literally looks like a child did it. My coach in high school tried to devise a plan with the team captains because I was “the least talented” and had to be compensated for. I’ve lost handball games to fourth graders. I cut my fingers off with a table saw (they were re attached).
I can’t enjoy anything because every time I try I just add another failure to my oeuvre. I used to think I just didn’t try hard enough because I was scared of failure, but now I’ve tried and failed again and again I realize trying is just a waste.
Maybe the worst part is that sometimes people don’t realize how incompetent I am until they see me in action. I can watch their faces change as they realize how stupid I am. They’re all nice about it, but they start treating me like a five year old.
I just wondered if any wizzies shared my experience.
R: 4 / I: 0
Woke up, got high, worked high, drank, been sober for a few hours, I just ordered food and I'm about to redose. I'm eager to keep spending every birthday like this until I eventually off myself.
sage
Today is my birthday, I just turned 29. Worked from home. I expected nothing and I received nothing, I'm not even angry about it. I can't help but keep feeling depressed though.Woke up, got high, worked high, drank, been sober for a few hours, I just ordered food and I'm about to redose. I'm eager to keep spending every birthday like this until I eventually off myself.
R: 9 / I: 0
God I hate myself so much I am just trying to stop watching porn that disgusts and porn in genearal but after a few day I relapsed.
I dont get it, it doesnt feel good it wastes my time and yet the habit is so strong I just open porn sites almost instinctually.
I have wasted so much of my life on porn I just dont want to watch it anymore
God I hate myself so much I am just trying to stop watching porn that disgusts and porn in genearal but after a few day I relapsed.
I dont get it, it doesnt feel good it wastes my time and yet the habit is so strong I just open porn sites almost instinctually.
I have wasted so much of my life on porn I just dont want to watch it anymore
R: 2 / I: 0
This is just how I am on such a fundamental level that I never even thought to question all this. I was in therapy for years and somehow it never came up to me to even mention this, and at this moment I am wondering why, because clearly this is not normal. I was wondering if anyone else is like this.
Constantly defending myself from imaginary criticism
Today I think I just had a minor epiphany. I was placing my dishes in the dishwasher after eating dinner like I always do, and like I always do I imagined someone criticizing my placement of the dishes in the dish washer. IDK who would be criticizing me, I guess in my mind it was my father because he would be loading the rest of the dishes, but I know he never would. I realized for a moment how utterly absurd it was for me to be like this. With each and every action that I make, no matter how trivial or mundane, I imagine myself defending my action to imagined criticizers. If I speed 5 mph over, I imagine myself getting pulled over and having to defend my action to the cop. In all sorts of mundane situations where I know I will never actually get criticized I reflexively imagine such criticism anyway and then imagine defending myself. Sometimes I can only admit to myself that I am performing suboptimally but it's the best I could muster in my current state.This is just how I am on such a fundamental level that I never even thought to question all this. I was in therapy for years and somehow it never came up to me to even mention this, and at this moment I am wondering why, because clearly this is not normal. I was wondering if anyone else is like this.
R: 50 / I: 4
Look at normalfags. They are just as sad as we are, deep down. There are billionaires that get depressed and there are drug addicts in halfway houses that get depressed. They worship pleasure. They worship themselves. Or they are retarded and don't understand why they should be sad. They try to find out how to live and they fail, but monks don't. Monks are content with the simplest life there is because, from an existential perspective, if you can't be happy with simplicity why be happy with decadence?
I'm not sure if you guys will understand this, but I know normalfags never will. You might call this a cope or something, but I think it really is one of the best solutions for a depressed autist. Who knows, maybe after years of monkmode I will return to my former life with some newfound joie de vivre and be able to enjoy things more than I had before? Kind of like a "dopamine detox" to use the normalfag buzzword. But in this case I would actually gain some wisdom.
If you have ever seriously contemplated suicide, or maybe even attempted it, you know you've got to find a different way to live. You've got to try whatever you can if you're really dedicated to being happy without being a normalfag. Kind of like the einstein cliche about trying the same thing over and over being the definition of insanity. At least, that's what I think. And why I seriously considering going monkmode right now.
going monkmode
I am thinking of going monkmode. I was thinking: if I am really so depressed that nothing in the world makes me happy, why not leave it all behind? If I play vidya and eat pizza and smoke weed and browse the internet and life still sucks? My depression is characterized by existential thoughts that never resolve. If I'm questing for happiness this way, and it isn't working, maybe I need to try something else. Maybe If I devote the effort I use on being miserable towards enlightenment I will actually stop being so sad.Look at normalfags. They are just as sad as we are, deep down. There are billionaires that get depressed and there are drug addicts in halfway houses that get depressed. They worship pleasure. They worship themselves. Or they are retarded and don't understand why they should be sad. They try to find out how to live and they fail, but monks don't. Monks are content with the simplest life there is because, from an existential perspective, if you can't be happy with simplicity why be happy with decadence?
I'm not sure if you guys will understand this, but I know normalfags never will. You might call this a cope or something, but I think it really is one of the best solutions for a depressed autist. Who knows, maybe after years of monkmode I will return to my former life with some newfound joie de vivre and be able to enjoy things more than I had before? Kind of like a "dopamine detox" to use the normalfag buzzword. But in this case I would actually gain some wisdom.
If you have ever seriously contemplated suicide, or maybe even attempted it, you know you've got to find a different way to live. You've got to try whatever you can if you're really dedicated to being happy without being a normalfag. Kind of like the einstein cliche about trying the same thing over and over being the definition of insanity. At least, that's what I think. And why I seriously considering going monkmode right now.
R: 9 / I: 0
Thinking about death a lot now. Not in a violent way, I'm over being frustrated and I'm thinking more about the philosophy of it. I have a lot of interest in Greek works so I keep trying to imagine life in ancient (pre-roman) Greece and their views of death and how slaves and comparably unfree people thought about it. I have a pretty nice life so I compare myself to them a lot, which is strange because the comparison obviously can't work well. I have a longing desire to see or observe how they lived with a time machine, even though this is both impossible and entirely self-interested for the same reasons someone might want to watch porn. It also ultimately wouldn't be interesting because there is no functional difference between say ancient greece and modern day rural mexico or rural algeria or rural pakistan.
Thinking about death a lot now. Not in a violent way, I'm over being frustrated and I'm thinking more about the philosophy of it. I have a lot of interest in Greek works so I keep trying to imagine life in ancient (pre-roman) Greece and their views of death and how slaves and comparably unfree people thought about it. I have a pretty nice life so I compare myself to them a lot, which is strange because the comparison obviously can't work well. I have a longing desire to see or observe how they lived with a time machine, even though this is both impossible and entirely self-interested for the same reasons someone might want to watch porn. It also ultimately wouldn't be interesting because there is no functional difference between say ancient greece and modern day rural mexico or rural algeria or rural pakistan.
R: 24 / I: 2
"The man who has known clearly and distinctly that all life is suffering; that, whatever the way in which it may appear is essentially unhappy and full of pain (even in the ideal state), so that he, like the Christ Child on the arms of Sistine Madonna, can only look into the world with eyes filled with horror, and who then contemplates the deep tranquility, the inexpressible happiness in aesthetic contemplation and, in contrast to the waking state, the happiness of dreamless sleep, whose elevation into eternity is only absolute death, - such a man has to be kindled by the advantage offered, - he cannot do otherwise. The thought of resuscitating in his unhappy children, that is, having to follow his way through the streets of existence, full of thorns and hard stones, without rest or repose, is, on the one hand, the most shocking and exasperating he can have; and, on the other hand, it must be the sweetest and most refreshing thought to be able to break the long course of the process, in which he was forced to walk by, with bloody feet, beaten, tormented and martyred, languishing in search of quietude. And once he is on the right track, the sexual instinct worries him less with every step, little by little becoming easier for his heart, until at last his inner being stands in the same joyfulness, blessed serenity and complete immobility as the true Christian saint. He feels in harmony with the movement of humanity from being into non-being, out of the agony of life into absolute death; he gladly enters into this movement of the whole, he acts eminently morally, and his reward is the undisturbed peace of heart, the "calmness of the sea of the mind," the peace that is higher than all reason. And all this can take place without the belief in a unity in, above or beyond the world, without fear of a hell or hope for a kingdom of heaven after death, without any mystical intellectual view, without incomprehensible effect of grace, without contradiction with nature and our awareness of our own self: the only sources from which we can draw with certainty, - merely as a result of an unprejudiced, pure, cold realization of our reason, "man's supreme power"."
Would non-being be preferable to being for you?
Here's a quote from Philipp Mainländer, a pessimist German philosopher who killed himself:"The man who has known clearly and distinctly that all life is suffering; that, whatever the way in which it may appear is essentially unhappy and full of pain (even in the ideal state), so that he, like the Christ Child on the arms of Sistine Madonna, can only look into the world with eyes filled with horror, and who then contemplates the deep tranquility, the inexpressible happiness in aesthetic contemplation and, in contrast to the waking state, the happiness of dreamless sleep, whose elevation into eternity is only absolute death, - such a man has to be kindled by the advantage offered, - he cannot do otherwise. The thought of resuscitating in his unhappy children, that is, having to follow his way through the streets of existence, full of thorns and hard stones, without rest or repose, is, on the one hand, the most shocking and exasperating he can have; and, on the other hand, it must be the sweetest and most refreshing thought to be able to break the long course of the process, in which he was forced to walk by, with bloody feet, beaten, tormented and martyred, languishing in search of quietude. And once he is on the right track, the sexual instinct worries him less with every step, little by little becoming easier for his heart, until at last his inner being stands in the same joyfulness, blessed serenity and complete immobility as the true Christian saint. He feels in harmony with the movement of humanity from being into non-being, out of the agony of life into absolute death; he gladly enters into this movement of the whole, he acts eminently morally, and his reward is the undisturbed peace of heart, the "calmness of the sea of the mind," the peace that is higher than all reason. And all this can take place without the belief in a unity in, above or beyond the world, without fear of a hell or hope for a kingdom of heaven after death, without any mystical intellectual view, without incomprehensible effect of grace, without contradiction with nature and our awareness of our own self: the only sources from which we can draw with certainty, - merely as a result of an unprejudiced, pure, cold realization of our reason, "man's supreme power"."
R: 9 / I: 1
I really try not believing this but by plain virtue of the nature of this world who could suppose god good? How much confidence do the wizzies here have for finding peace?
In any case, I'm wishing all of you the best in finding peace…perhaps we more than others have actually earned it?
Hope for escaping the demiurge
Can this be done? I know the ancients believed that in order to escape demiurgic recycling of the soul you had to project your soul (usually through drugs) out of the kenoma and so by frequent practice essentially imbue your soul with the readiness to best his dominion. There were platonists who believed the world was a torus of sorts, and that the artificer channeled a type of toroidal current into which our souls are sadly subsumed into an infinity loop of bodily life.I really try not believing this but by plain virtue of the nature of this world who could suppose god good? How much confidence do the wizzies here have for finding peace?
In any case, I'm wishing all of you the best in finding peace…perhaps we more than others have actually earned it?
R: 74 / I: 7
bpd and impulses to burn bridges
How do I even cope? I just get urges to destroy any connection ive ever made or worse just let others fester and die then feel sorry for myself after. Its vindicating i guess but at the same time i fucking hate it but cant help myself.