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/dep/ - Depression

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R: 6 / I: 1

Stuff you did to avoid school as a kid

Personally, I would claim to be sick as often as possible which was easy since my nose is frequently stuffed up. My best thing was saying spring break started a week earlier and the teachers really got upset with me for that one. I also dodged classes by having to go the nurse's office a lot.

I'm mainly remembering these as I was only able to pull them off in elementary school and it's been like 20 years because I have constant flashbacks, which fucking sucks.
R: 172 / I: 20

Suicide General

The last suicide general has hit the bump limit.
Previous thread:
>>213010
R: 255 / I: 30

Wageslave General

realizing you might need to do this for the rest of your life edition

previous >>212196
R: 10 / I: 1

Boredom

What do you wizards do all day to pass the time? Personally for me it's becoming harder and harder to just consume media, especially that which contains succubi in them.
R: 25 / I: 5
>"read more and you'll get better"
>yeah sure i'll bite.jpg
>anhaedonia makes it damn near impossible to buckle down and read
>feel even fucking worse now
i don't want to get better anymore because i know that i've just wasted the vast majority of my life not having the same mental abilities as normies who can read things for fun without having to work a whole lot
R: 27 / I: 5

NEET Extravagances

Is there anything you spend on that makes no sense? I get addicted to buying new clothes and usually have to stop myself from spending the little I have.
R: 40 / I: 11

How is Corona Virus/Covid 19 pandemic making your life worse?

>Alcoholic uncle staying with us at Dads place
>He starts drinking
>Dad confiscates his booze
>Uncle takes off
>I spend the next day trying to convince my dad we basically have to get him back here and accommodate his drinking so he doesn’t end up at a shelter in contact with a lot of people.
>I have to promise I will take care of all his needs and keep him away from my dad
>send a bunch of messages and texts to his phone
>call police. They send out a dispatch
>he comes back the next day on his own
>it turns out he did go to the shelter the previous night
>note to self: wash hands obsessively
>tell him he needs to stay between the guest bedroom and bathroom because he could have got the virus at the shelter
>he keeps fucking around. At one point he pees in a bag
>yells at me all day to cook shit for him and give him booze
>losing my fucking mind. Never felt more stressed in my life

>inb4 caring about family is normie
R: 32 / I: 2

Physical illness thread

What is your experience with physical illness? It's one of the things that ruined my life. When I feel sick I can't do anything or even think. For the last 5 years I've felt like I'm dying or seriously sick for long periods of time, sometimes months. I thought I had muscle dystrophia, because of muscle weakness, then spine breaking down, because of head spinning, numbness, problems with bladder. Not to mention heart palpitations, hearing loss(turned out to be temporary because of infection), throat pain and swelling i thought was because of a stuck bone, but found nothing etc.
Apparently I have some somatizations because of anxiety. I've had 100 doctor visits and found out that I have a cosmetic heart problem, scoliosis, skin inflammation on my hands, a skin problem on my head, fucked up teeth, bad eyesight plus eye inflammations plus astigmatism, possible allergies and maybe even asthma.
Just lately my knee started hurting and I wonder if today I swallowed a chicken bone. This never ends and I don't have the energy for it anymore. It's a huge chore to get anything done, public Healthcare is useless, so I have to wait and pay for every little thing with not many options in my small town. I hope something kills me already instead of wearing me down. Maybe I will choke and die from a bone stuck in my throat. I lucked out last time, but luck doesn't last forever.
R: 7 / I: 0

Psychiatric Medications

I got a free, renowned psychiatrist specialized in addiction. He gives me free appointment. We have a good relationship, he right away tells me I am his most annoying/difficult patient.

Today I explained to him me nearing suicide again. He told me all these concrete good things in my specific life worth living for.

He then tells me to quit alcohol and drugs. I agree on that. I told him I wanted to tapper off clonazepam, he agreed on that.

Now, he wants me to take another anti-depressant that works on another receptor. I agreed on that. My doctor says Mirtazapine is useless but I retort that it makes me sleep and eat, and has a stupid long sedative duration, I am unwilling to stop taking it. So he tells me "fine, but take Venlafexine too".

Today I was going to buy some Venlafexine and it is expensive ad fuck where I live, almost 4 bucks a dose. That's more than 90 bucks for a monthly supply and I am a thirld wordler. Doctor told me I should be taking anti-psychotics in the first place but I reject those (quetiapine).

What would you do? Gotta wait a while to talk to him again. I think attempting sobriety and steaking to jusy mirtazapine and clonazepam while I meet him again would be better.
R: 11 / I: 1

I don’t know why I’m still alive

I barely exist. Haven’t done anything the past 10 years, I just sleep all day and look at uselss information on the internet. I’m a net drain on society and generally unpleasant to be around as an individual. I don’t know why I exist.
R: 48 / I: 3

/anorexia/

5'8, 127.9lbs
i hate it so fucking much, i wish my diet weren't at the whim of others. lunch is the only meal i can consistently skip, i can't purge, and i only have a few hours a day to exercise.
no amount of sit ups and squats can burn 500 calories consistently
R: 232 / I: 44

Depression Crawl Thread XXV

Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.
R: 83 / I: 12
Anyone else starting to feel more and more alone on the internet?
I made the mistake of posting a quick greentext about my life on /r9k/ a few weeks ago, hoping to find similar people, and the whole thread turned into people either feeling sorry for me, calling me a lazy parasite, or not even believing my story was real (which really hurts, because it means I'm so far gone that my life looks like some made up story for trolling). No one posted their own stories, which makes me believe that there's nobody like me on that site.
Even on wizchan, the last refuge for people like us, I often feel like I'm at the bottom of the totem pole. At least here I still find some posts I can relate to, but my guess is there's around 5-10 people at most the same level as me.
I'm realizing that I can't share this stuff online anymore. I should just post about subjects that interest me (like video games or music) and NEVER share or ask anything about personal lives.
From now on I'll live like a ghost, just lurking and occasionaly contributing a little, but never sharing anything too deep.
R: 75 / I: 9

Sense of uselessness

Anyone else feels like not made to function?

I was never good at anything. Period.
School was a nightmare to me and I'm not even talking about social dramas or bullying but because I sucked at every single subject you can think of. I still think from time to time how I managed to get a high school diploma. Maybe because some teachers there actually pitied me since I was just a quiet student that never bothered any classmate. My life hasn't progressed much since then. I'm still the same, almost mute person like I was 15 years ago.
I envy NEETs that are smart enough to have something they are good at, like drawing, video editing or 3d modelling and are even able to make some good cash out of that thanks to people commissioning them. I've been doing nothing but randomly browsing the internet for many years and nowadays I don't have enough energy to play videogames anymore. Normal people feel like super-humans to me.

Putting this text together was such a huge mental effort to me.
R: 0 / I: 0

Limbo

It's a bizarre limbo like state. I hate the real world and I don't really have anything that would make it feasible to survive out there. I probably have several learning disabilities.

At the same time, I can leech for now but know the ticking time bomb is there in terms of how long I can do it. A lot of people have seen this as just cowardice but I really have no incentive to take any proactive steps towards dying while I can just sleep all day and surf the web. If I was on the streets, it'd be different. I do get yelled at but I usually just laugh mockingly since I don't give a shit. Like I am not doing anything to not wear out my welcome since it's not in my nature.

Can anyone relate?
R: 22 / I: 4

Isolation from your former online community

Might be a lame reason to be down under, but do you guys ever feel incredibly isolated from your former online communities as everybody else is gone and you just don’t fit with the new crowd?

Example: 4chan used to be my favorite community, rife with banter and overall laid back rules- But as of now it’s reddit tier. Gung-ho mods and a new user base who just takes itself too seriously. It’s just so cliquey now and I don’t know where else to go.

Does this shit ever hit anybody hard?

(First post on here btw. Sorry if I come across like a fag.)
R: 0 / I: 0

Long, neutral blogpost about my trip to the woods. Just hide it.

Went with my parents to a nearby conservation area yesterday and we walked a long a trail that took us through the woods. It was notable for being the first time I'd been out in broad daylight this year. I was reluctant to go at first, but I'm glad I did. We went somewhat late into the afternoon and the weather couldn't have been more perfect for someone like me (heavy overcast, with almost Fall season like conditions). The trees and scenery were very nice and much better than I thought it was going to be. We even stopped to simply just take in the surroundings a few times. Peaceful bubbling streams, fallen over trees, open pockets of space interspersing the woodland, shaded glades of moss and lichen. The trail we were on took us up a rather steep incline and it was good to see that my parents, despite their somewhat advanced age, were able to manage it quite well. My mother actually managed to outpace both me and my father much of the time. I'm in OK shape for the most part, but I'll admit to feeling a bit out of breath and winded during the more difficult parts of the trail.

As we went along, in the distance, beyond the trees, we were able to catch site of the nearby river. From our steep position we had to make a detour down some rather precarious and well hidden steps/maintained slopes which led down to the main trail/road that ran parallel to the river. Getting down the steps proved to be rather harrowing in its own way and it turned out to be almost a neat, little side adventure for the three of us. I was worried for my mother, but it was sorta cute watching her go so slowly and carefully down the steps, including seeing my father reach out to grab her hand at the end to help her the rest of the way. We also had to cross a rather rickety and rotten bridge, with several planks missing even, over a rather moderately sized stream and I'll admit that even I was a bit worried crossing it and potentially losing my balance, but we all succeeded in doing so without any incident.

From there, we proceeded to the main river and stood there, (well I stood at least, since my parents decided to sit and take a rest just behind me) for a good long while, on the rocky plateau just at the water's edge. The water was one seamless movement downstream, except for this one rapid that seemed to move against it. For whatever reason, it just stood out to me. I also noticed a tiny little fish (half the size of a pinky and almost as thin as a wafer) that had managed to beach itself on the rock and had died there, perhaps only a few minutes before I and my parents arrived, since it still seemed quite fresh. I pointed out my discovery to my parents and my mother, in particular, was quite excited to come over and check it out. She decided to give the fish a proper burial and pushed it back into the water with a stick. It was silly, but still a nice gesture. Maybe it would manage to spring back to life, as my mother remarked afterwards. Seeing it swiftly vanish into the darkness of the river and the murkiness of the underwater shallow reeds felt like one of those little moments that seem to mean nothing at all, but also somehow paradoxically do mean something, even if you really can't place why. Like bubbles on the surface of the water, existing only for a brief moment. Something like that, I guess.

After a little more milling about, we proceeded to press on further down the road, until we once again stopped at a nearby embankment. As before, my parents took a rest nearby, except on a bench instead of a rock this time, and I stood next to the reeds near the water. Just watching the little birds fritter around in the thin, skeletal-like fingers of some nearby tree, before they'd also sometimes stop to watch me as well. At this point, it was starting to get dark, so we decided to head back. On the way we happened to finally run across the first sight of another person, or in this case group of people. Just a random family going on their own walk, basically. Well, it was a bit awkward since I was further ahead and sorta had to turn around back to my parents once I caught sight of them, since walking past them myself would've just been kinda anxiety inducing. I just sorta stood at the far right of the road, with the two of my parents next to me while the other people were on the far left. It was a minor thing, but my mother put her arm around me afterwards in a half hug since she knows such things can be a challenge for me. It was just after that, that we reached are car and finally called it a day and returned home.

I liked the random streams the most. Especially the ones that went winding away somewhere off into the trees and the wilderness. It's silly, but I would imagine the sight of some little creatures using a leaf as a raft while going on some great adventure somewhere. There was also this rather dense wooded area we came across which felt like the backdrop to something you'd see in a dark fantasy story of some kind. Like a portal into some other world and the sort you'd wish you could step through to escape having to exist in this one.

Something which really enhanced the experience was bringing my music player along. I put on Burger/Ink's album 'Las Vegas' and it turned out to be almost uncannily perfect, in the sense that each song seemed to suit everything so well, like it was a handpicked soundtrack for the moment, or something. I managed to listen to the whole album during our walk and while meandering next to the river. After it was over, I decided to listen to some Duster to pad out our return to our car and even that fit quite well and was comfy to listen to as well.

One random thing which was kinda sad, and something my mother pointed out to me a couple a times, was how slow my father tends to walk these days and with a very unnatural gait. He's currently having tests done to determine if he might posses a degenerative ailment of some kind, since even his speech and other mannerisms are affected in some subtle ways. It was kinda uncanny though, since my father used to be a huge walker and would walk everywhere and anywhere if given the chance. Almost never these days. He'd always walk far ahead and leave basically everyone else behind, even my mother, and was always very inconsiderate in that way. Now he can barely even keep up with my mother and she's the one leaving him behind. I don't know. It felt somewhat poetically justified, but also sad, especially when he had to jog/run to catch up to us at one point near the end, after checking out a rock memorial off to the side of the road.

One other random aside, but while there wasn't much garbage lying around, it was still sad to see when I noticed some. One odd thing I found noticed repeatedly were these random blocks of styrofoam, in bushes, behind trees, along with used wet wipes that almost seemed like bread crumbs along the road, or off to the side in the more wooded areas. They say styrofoam never breaks down and I couldn't help, but think how that's all that will probably be left of us in the end as a species. I would've liked to clean some of it up, but I had nothing on hand to place it in, nor were there any garbage cans nearby, even on the main road, which is kinda weird when I think back on it to be honest.
R: 13 / I: 2

any wizards who got kicked out?

got in an argument with my mom and i may get kicked out soon. planning working on a fishing boat in alaska this summer, but for now I have to plan i suppose.
only had a part time job as a tutor, so im looking for a better full time job in the mean time.
R: 6 / I: 0

materialistic evolutionary determinism

Is there anyone here who believes in:
)Oblivion after death(no soul)
)hard determinism
)evolutionary biology
I have to admit i feel a morbose fascination with this ideas,which i dont real accept,but I understand their arguments and strength.
R: 41 / I: 9

Junk food

Is anyone else in love with fast/junk food? I don't overeat as in I limit calorie consumption on the days I have it, but I'm always craving it and wanting more. In-N-Out, Chik Fil A, and some local places are my favorite. I never tried the Popeye's Chicken sandwich since it's not really in walking distance.
R: 4 / I: 0
Wagies:

- Answer the intent, rather than the literal.
- XY problem: Ask what problem your boss wants to solve instead of executing a proposed solution
- Minimise mechanical and numerical tasks/work
- Slow your speech enough to choose each individual word you say
R: 71 / I: 6

Inventory is empty

Reading the end of the wizards thread I wondered:

What's it like to be a wizard without any hobbies or interests? (Or at least interests and hobbies that USED to be associated with wizards?)

I've been slowly shedding my old hobbies and interests as they became mainstream (even degenerate otaku porn fetishes have this slowly increasing normalcy) and now I'm down to a couple things I still enjoy a little.

Any wizards who actually live without any real hobbies? I know I'm asking for a lot but I'd like responses from actual wizards or people close to wizardhood like the latter half of your 20s.
R: 50 / I: 4

Sobriety and Accepting Life General #1

This is a general thread about addiction (including behavioural addictions), escapism, substance abuse, sobriety, change and acceptance.

In this thread say anything about your daily struggle. Have you been able to maintain your sobriety? do you even want to quit? are you acceptable life as it is?

>We cannot choose our external circumstances, but we can always choose how we respond to them - Epictetus


>You don’t develop courage by being happy in your relationships everyday. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity - Epicurus


>You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life - Camus


>To be happy, we must not be too concerned with others - Camus
R: 16 / I: 2
Isn't it kind of fascinating how this epidemic shows the average normal person can't survive even the mildest degree of uncertainty and isolation?

Most people here deal with much worse in their lives and are just told to hand in there and fill their guts with antidepressants, yet the risk of a strong flu, and asking people to stay home for a couple weeks, is enough to completely break the world in half.

Does anyone feel vindicated by this?
R: 21 / I: 3

how do you keep from snapping?

I'm a level 26 wizard. I have a whole system going on I've learned through the years. Get a routine that revolves around stuff I enjoy, stick to it until I die.

My problem is I think too much, too hard. I was watching a movie and I saw these characters and I projected them on me and I started thinking about all these things I say I wouldn't like to have but I really do. Then I started thinking that I wouldn't feel satiated even if I had everything. Then started questioning existence again. Got paranoid, I'm still feeling scared. Snapped for some minutes, started walking around, got stuck in a dark room. Started considering death and harm but I have nothing to harm myself, not even substances. Now I am craving drug/alcohol dissociation. The spread of the virus has me locked up in my house, I can't follow my usual routine.

I'm feeling disoriented, confused, I can type this but I can't speak, don't feel like speaking. I feel angry, no matter how much "wisdom" and "peace" I get, this thing will still haunt me all my life. The permanent feeling of doom and despair. How am I supposed to live on my own if I belong to the psych ward. My shrink doesn't want me anymore, no shrink wants me.
R: 6 / I: 0
Write about your physiological triumphs, times when things went even better than you expected, periods when you came through trials and tribulations even better off.
R: 19 / I: 1

hollow men

I want to be a hollow man who shows up for an easy 9 - 5 office job 5 days a week, not minding the people I work with but declining any invitation they give me to go out with them while living in a comfortable, cozy house/apartment where it's always dark and gloomy with overcast, enveloped with rain and snow during their respective seasons, with full bookshelves and slightly dusty but otherwise good furniture. I want to be alone and just write every evening, occasionally forcing myself to get haircuts and go shopping for food/new clothing. When I finally die, I don't want to be found for another week or two later, when a neighbour finally notices that my far and few activities have ceased for a while now, or when someone comes to reacquire the router because of an unpaid bill.
I want to have evenings where I sometimes wonder if I shouldn't just go out for a walk amidst a blizzard, only leaving behind a note that says I've gone out and may be some time. I want some people to occasionally try and get to know me, only to find that I am nothing. No-one. And that I have nothing to offer them. I want some people to think they want me as a friend, only to learn I'm not so affable or friendly, and that I'm a man of few words because I have nothing remarkable to offer them and am unworthy of being anything more than a minuscule part of their life's journey. Occasionally, I want someone to look me in the eyes, see me for the empty thing that I am, and reflect some of that sadness in their own eyes so that they can appreciate their own life that much more.
When I'm gone I want someone to look through my things, read what I have written, and weep. Weep for me, if that I may be a soul before oblivion, I'll know I've made a lasting impact on one other. That will be enough to have been worthwhile.
R: 143 / I: 13

Climb On

The fight with depression is a war of attrition. You should embrace stoicism and look past the material. Don't be content with the lowest fruit, climb, higher, higher, until you kill the monster.
R: 50 / I: 9

Anhedonia. What has been your experience with it?

Another shitty anhedonic riddled day to get through. Great. One of my most sincere wishes, and perhaps, hilariously enough, I'm alone in feeling this way even on Wizchan, but I really fucking wish I could just enjoy getting lost in modern entertainment again, specifically video games.

Fuck all this "I want an actual 'skill' I can use/learn", "indulging in escapism isn't what you should be doing", "escapism is bad", blah, blah, norman-tier bullshit I've seen so many idiots on this site endlessly parrot or go on about. In my case, I just want, desperately want, for this sort of stuff to enrapture/occupy me the way it used to and for it to always do so until the day I die. Anhedonia is literally the devil incarnate. Years of this fucking shit now. YEARS. Fuck, I hate this. Fucking hell, I hate this. Why can't you just leave me alone? God damned unending pestilence. Everything else is perfect (has been for years upon years now), but nope. Chronic anhedonia's gotta eventually fuck it all up & ruin everything. Like being in an idyllic garden full of ripe fruit, that end up as ash in one's mouth the moment they take a bite. This is so fucking shit man. Why couldn't humanity have evolved from a species that doesn't suffer from this kind of garbage? Is anhedonia just endemic to consciousness itself, or just shit eating apes specifically? Sometimes I fucking wonder. Because you know what, yeah. By rights, I should be able to just get drunk on vidya, or whatever else, 24/7. Why the fuck shouldn't I? Anhedonia, that's why. It's not fucking fair, man. I just want to actually enjoy what I'm doing, like I used to. Is that so much to ask? These days, it's like fucking pulling teeth to do this shit! A constant fucking struggle! What the hell? WHY? I swear to fuck, I'd even give up my sizable NEETbux if it meant I never had to suffer from this kind of debilitating joylessness ever again. I wish I could just somehow choke the life out of this fucking demon. Anhedonia literally makes a mockery of my entire existence.

Drugs & alcohol are not an option for me. So for all you wizzies out there quick to suggest, "Durrrr, juz get drunk & smoke dat weed, lol", please keep it to yourself. The only sort of "advice" I could possibly expect to get at this point, even from Wizchan. Either that, or norman-like finger-wagging & condemnation from those cretins I mentioned earlier who jack themselves off to Jordan Peterson at night, or whomever the hell else who epitomizes the sort of flagrant bullshit they spew. You know how sad that is? Just fucking kill me. There's the real answer.

I ain't a big fan of Tool, but that song of theirs 'sober', just fucking nails this shit so hard. The strong emphasis on the WHY in, "Why, can't we not be sober?, or the WHY in, "Why, can't we sleep forever?", is fucking carnally perfect. "I just want to start this over". Ain't that the fucking impossible to realize truth.
R: 45 / I: 11

Anti-depression posters.

Post motivational posters that help reduce depression……………………………………………………….
R: 5 / I: 3
Does anybody here laugh to themselves for no reason? I know I do, it's the only way I feel happy sometimes
R: 45 / I: 11

Virus situation

How is the virus situation treating you? It has escalated quickly in my third world memecountry. There's a curfew at night. Can't do exercise/lift, all gyms closed. Companies going bankrupt or laying off people. I'm not having to work, I am likely to lose my wagecuck job. Can't go to supermarkets because only X amount of people can be inside, so there's stupid long lines.

Basically everything that kept me distracted from the darkness has gone away, got entire days to meditate why and how I ended up where I am. I'm no longer young. Night comes and I just force myself to sleep. I really want to drink and do other shit but I've been clean for almost a month, very likely to relapse. The virus outbreak started as soon as I decided I wanted to stay clean.

I'm a free wiz and this virus thing is keeping me caged from everything.
R: 13 / I: 2
I feel so terrible for wasting all this privilege I had for being born in a first world country in these times. I had a free college education but I wasted it and didn't graduate. Just through the internet I had access to so much learning material to learn whatever I wanted on my own. And if I had trouble I could enroll in a course that my parents would have paid for since they would be happy I was doing something productive. I could have learned how to draw, how to make 3D models, maybe even how to make plastic figurines. I could have read books on different interesting topics. Instead I wasted all this time browsing imageboards, watching meaningless youtube videos and playing online games without even focusing on getting better. I will be 30 soon and it's terrifying without any skills. People at this age are already getting called old and it hurts.
R: 11 / I: 0

Surviving An Office Job

I need help.

I dunno how to even begin this since I'm not very smart. But I've never held decent employment before.

I have always had a few short stints here and there but they never lasted. Every place I've worked at I eventually quit coz I couldn't take it anymore.

One place I quite after 2 months coz I started having seizures.

My last job I was bullied relentlessly. I would get targeted, harassed and humiliated daily. My boss would work me 14 hr shifts regularly, not pay me and abuse me for not getting enough done. I truly hated it.

I'm at a new job now and it's the same ordeal…

How do you wizards advise one to survive an office job? I have to work. I need to eat.

Please guys, help me survive. Make this work shit bearable for me. Give me tips that helped you endure through it all.
R: 42 / I: 10

Unable to communicate

I don't really have much to say. That's somewhat the problem. I'd rather not say anything, but the feeling of wanting to vent so as to relieve the pressure of my thoughts/emotions is still there, despite the fact that I can't find anything to say about them.

I feel like I just can't make the right words happen. As if I were pointing at something and somebody tried to ask me what it is and in response I just let out a bunch of "Umms", "Uhhhs", and other assorted exasperations. A proverbial form of duct tape over any sort of expression or communication I make, or would like to make, that I just can't seem to rip off without extreme difficulty or effort, or at least an extreme sense of those things, even though it never truly comes off. Like, even right now, there's something I'm feeling that's bothering me. Simply putting it as, "another night of me feeling depressed & lethargic", would essentially sum it up, but there's more to it than that. Something deeper that I can't grasp or put words to, trying to rearrange it all in such a way that I feel I can say what I really want to say instead of something that feels off the mark even though, "I'm depressed, bored & lethargic", is essentially all it is. Maybe it's just that words, no matter how well they're chosen or put together, can never convey the full breadth of one's emotions or perspective, so there will always feel like there's something missing, leading to a gnawing sense of dissatisfaction & muteness that can never be alleviated.

The lack of articulation, vagueness, beating around a perpetual bush, is exemplified quite well in this clip from TD. That's always how I feel, all the time. Never getting out what I want to say. Just a bunch of, "You know it's….I think what I'm thinking is…..I really just….I don't know." I got a rotten fucking brain of shit that's decayed into advanced ruin after nearly 13 years of perpetual stagnation and to say I can't think clearly would be a massive understatement, so maybe that's just the reason. I was pretty retarded & inarticulate before though, so I don't know. Just shut up. There's a course of action for me to follow. It's all a waste of time and no one cares anyway, so just shut up.

Look at all this shit I wrote. A lot of shit for someone who says they can't communicate. Well, whatever. Just because I typed a lot of shit doesn't mean I suddenly feel like I'm communicating or saying anything of note. More words doesn't mean the right words. The fact is that I'll never come to grips with this sort of thing, no matter what say, so I should ideally just. I don't know. Grit my teeth and bear it basically.

As an aside, I can never post about anything else besides my own problems. Wizzies who have sharp minds and that can post/constructively debate about intellectual things like philosophy or psychology, or what have you, in-depth (like in /hob/ or even sometimes in /wiz/) are certainly something else to myself.
R: 22 / I: 0

Is anyone else just like hopelessly clumsy

I really hate doing most physical things because I have like very imprecise control over my movements. Even though my eyesight is fine, my movements are always shaky and I have poor balance. For most people, walking about is just smooth and automatic, but I have to be conscious of every step I'm taking.
R: 12 / I: 0
Well I just got rejected from a shitty low paying job,I think I did my best and the interview went well,even the interviewer said that they would probably hire me.

heh I just received the rejection e-mail,I don't even know why I try anymore when It's obvious that I'm not fit to live in this horrible world,I will just wait as a NEET until I can't cope any longer and will just kill myself then.

Some people should never be given the "gift" of life,If I knew this existance would be so bad I would have hanged myself in the uterus.
R: 15 / I: 3

Can anyone else not tie their shoes

I still can't do it well or handwrite properly. Basically anything with visual spacial stuff that's multi step is a nightmare.
R: 88 / I: 25

No title required

Many, many years have gone by now for me (13+) where nothing really has happened. I've just laid around my room either lost in escapism, bored out of mind or silently fantasizing about suicide while feeling absolutely miserable the whole while. There's literally nothing worthwhile in my life whatsoever. Nothing enjoyable, nothing special, nothing compelling. Just nothing. And looking forward, there's zero chance this will ever change for the better. Fundamentally, there's nowhere to go, nothing to do, nothing to become, and no one worth the trouble of knowing. Death is hands down the best thing that could happen to someone like me. Unfortunately, like this guy >>>/dep/215084 and so many other wizards, I'm a gutless turd who lacks the conviction & the courage to off myself. Therefore, I'll just continue eeking along in my pitiful little life, on this equally pitiful little world, until whenever it is I naturally happen to keel over & die. Nothing is more pathetic, weak & lazy than simply waiting to die. I know this very well, which is why I look upon those who do manage to commit suicide as having, at the very least, a strength of will that I myself will never know.

I suppose one could flip that around and make the claim that, "Isn't suffering through the many slings, arrows & outrageous fortunes of life a sign of strength as well?". And well, I suppose you could look at it that way. Is mere endurance of hardship a sign of strength, or a sign of profound weakness? I guess it all depends on how you look at it, but, personally speaking, I lean towards it more resembling the latter. To simply "exist" & to continue to endure pain, with the additional caveat of being too afraid or disinterested to move in any direction whatsoever, seems to me to be nothing worth saying anything good about. I certainly don't feel very strong, let's put it that way. Life holds no value to me and it never could under any circumstances. However, I'm also too weak to summon the necessary willpower to override the programming of this biomechanical meat sack I'm saddled with & entrapped in. I'm sure that even in Auschwitz or the deepest, darkest dungeons of the medieval world, there were, even in such awful & hopeless places as those, doomed individuals whom if given the means to kill themselves, would've been too shackled to the internal jailor which is the overwhelming biological directive for self-preservation, no matter what and no matter the costs, to go through with it. Even if they knew they'd suffer for many more years, there would probably be some where it would make no difference and the survival instinct would win out. This, to me, is a sign of weakness & perhaps a genetically determined lack of willpower to do anything. Not a betrayal of some desire to "live", since their desire to die would remain as being the all encompassing thought on their minds. Only an ignoramus would say that, "Duh, that must mean they actually want to live. Fucking normie attention whores, lol.". Thus, although life is and will always be nothing short of a gray limbo for me, I have no means to escape it. My weakness in regards to overcoming the sheer unconscious force of the survival instinct is, in my eyes, clear evidence that to simply exist is the ultimate expression of spinelessness.

Even normalfags look down on those who simply "exist" and, in most instances, would much rather kill themselves than be cosigned to such a fate as that. Think how in films, or what have you, a normal-tier character will sometimes say, "This isn't 'living' this is just existing! I want to 'live!'. You know, that sort of shit. It just really goes to show the two-faced nature of suicide prevention. It always comes with the qualifier that the suicidal person in question ought to, and must, "do" something to improve their life, even though it might be the woeful conditions of life itself which are the problem and are thus beyond improvement. If they are unable to improve their life, for whatever reason that might be, (whether it be physically determined, or philosophically determined), then what's the answer? Suffer silently? Like I said, swap a normalfag with them in this instance, with no chance for "improvement", and they'd be offing themselves before the day was out.

I realize you'll always have hyper emotional men/succubi, or just dumb kids acting on impulse, who commit suicide and are all three quite obviously the all encompassing majority of those who do, do the deed, and it can hardly be said that those sorts are very "strong" or "commendable", but, in some ways, I'd argue that they are. Even if you're just a dumb kid or some random succubus with her panties in a twist over losing her favorite nail polish, or whatever, walking over the precipice between life & death still takes major guts. Even an "enlightened" wizard like me, who would, and has, the best reasons & intentions possible for committing suicide, still wouldn't be able to do it out of lack of guts. Life is a miserable haze of nothing to me. There is nothing & no one that makes me want to keep living. I have never, nor do I currently posses, any dreams or desires for the future and, quite frankly, could not even conceive of one if even a million dollars were on the line. On the flipside, these dumb men/succubi/kids that do go on to kill themselves probably have, I'd wager, lots of things near & around them that would be enough for them to want to genuinely, enjoyably keep on living. It's clear to see that many normals aren't accustomed to despair & misery, so simply a taste of it is enough to have them flinging themselves off the highest place they can find, or splattering their brains on the nearest wall. Meanwhile, misery has creeped & embedded its way so deeply and so completely into my existence for so long now that it's simply become my skin, having destroyed & erased whatever may have existed there originally. Naturally, people like me can still kill themselves, but it's much harder to summon the energy or the gumption to do so, since simply enduring this misery & putting up with it has become such a familiar & less energy intensive thing to do. But again, I maintain that even though this is the case, waiting to die is a very poor substitute for either getting on with it and "living", whatever that means for you, or just simply dying. These things, at the very least, ask something of you, doing neither obviously asks nothing. One has often heard the phrase, "Get busy livin', or get busy dyin'", as being emblematic of this sort of brow beating attitude for "action". However, what can one do when life holds no value, and can never hold value, yet death is a sentinel which is too tiresome & frightening to overcome? Can you really blame them for their lot? For being "lazy" or "weak"? For being unable to get livin', or to get dyin', but to simply get existin' instead? Well, either way, this is a unique predicament in life that is downright sublime in its sheer awfulness. That much at least can be said of it.

Anyway, all that crap aside, I've also, like that other wizard I mentioned early in my first post, often prayed for cancer to expedite this process of waiting to die, and as sort of a quick cheat to a form of pseudo suicide, but enh. Getting cancer would, let's be honest here, end up being quite painful. And I'm very much adverse to pain. The sort of pain I haven't gotten used to. The truly excruciating, physically visceral kind. And, of course, there'd also be the visceral existential pain to contend with as well. Yes, I do want to die quite badly, but actually having to know that I'm on the verge of dying would be absolute hell for my lizard brain to cope with. It's because of said lizard brain that I can't manage to avoid the hassle of having to wait to die in the first place & to just simply kill myself right now. Biology really is a pesky nuisance.
R: 20 / I: 2
every place about depression seems to be for people to roll on their own misery
anyone knows of any place or opinions about people who overcame depression?
R: 9 / I: 1

Losing Humanity

Do you guys ever have that empty feeling? Like you've lost something crucial to the human experience but can't find the exact cause of your woe? I just don't feel myself anymore nowadays. Though, I'm not sure I even remember what I was before.
R: 12 / I: 0

Life is a joke

As we speak, im typing this 4 hours and 16 minutes into my supposed first 5 hour shift as a Freight Associate at Home Depot. The supervisor told us to go to the computer room and do modules, and that he'd check on us in 20 minutes. He never came back, so I've just been sitting here getting paid to browse the internet and do nothing. I don't even need this job because i live at home with a soft ass dad and step-mom with no authority, but i wanted some money. I'm thinking about just clocking in and sitting far back in the the computer room from now on until they either notice me and fire me, or i just stop showing up. In the meantime ill just apply for other jobs.

I feel like im intelligent enough to do some kind of low-tier white collar/office job, but i absolutely cannot tolerate interacting with people in an open ended way. if its necessary to complete a task or job, sure, but im completely uninterested in other people or their lives. most people are unremarkable and just a nuisance. Id honestly rather use the internet to find like minded people and have complete control over how much "social" interaction i have with them. I'm 29 and i can feel the cusp of the inescapable psychological reality that im no longer a kid and there isn't anymore time. O well. Fuck it.
R: 23 / I: 3

Awful stories from childhood

I'm going to post some awful memories I have. Mostly childhood and schooling. Some work place ones may come up too depending what I can remember. I want to vent these, and a lot are probably the reason I ended up like this. Feel welcome to post your own. Anyway let's get started.

My mother enrolled my in kindergarten when I was 3 or 4. She wanted me to socialize with other kids before moving to school. This was my first time being around other kids, and I had gathered it would be just like the cartoons, so I was very happy to experience this. Within the first week I was being bullied tremendously. One time I was whacked in the face with a real spade by one of the other kids as I was climbing a ladder. I fell down about one meter and everyone laughed at me. This was the early 90's, so that's probably why they allowed us to use spades to dig in the sand pit. Regardless that wasn't so traumatic as I was mostly in shock, now thinking back it seems to have given me my "flinch" whenever someone suddenly moves towards me.

At the same kindergarten I was playing with 3 other boys in the sand pit until they decided to make me a tree. Basically they dug a big hole, put me in about chest deep and then filled it all in. I was panicking so much, I couldn't move at all and they were kicking sand in my face. It went in my mouth and my eyes. I cried but it seemed to make the pain in my eyes worse. I was left there for about 20 minutes after the recces was over, and you know it seemed like hours or days before the teacher ran out to get me out. My mother told me I wasn't able to sleep soundly for a few weeks after that.

You know I can't believe what children, students and even my work colleges have gotten away with over the years.
R: 310 / I: 53

Depression Crawl Thread XXIV

Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.
R: 16 / I: 0

Accepting being alone

All my life I have desired kinship, but I'm slowly realizing that even in best circumstances it is impossible for me to form a real connection with another person, especially my peers. There is no one that I can fully open up to, and no place I feel like I belong.

How do you deal with being alone? Those of you that enjoy solitary lifestyle, did you come to accept it or have you always been like that? I do prefer being alone and having my peace, but I want to stop feeling lonely.
R: 35 / I: 5

I was younger than Satou when I watched NHK

Now I'm way older. It's basically full circle. In retrospect, it sucked because he just ended up getting off his butt and doing menial labor/same with the MMORPG guy.
R: 25 / I: 1

Callousness

Does anyone feel a lack of affection for people who love you? I think that not all wizards had violence in their family, so there should be anonymous people whose parents treat them well.
As for me, my mother loves me very much, despite how disgusting and useless I am. She never pushed me to work, never demanded anything, never compared me to other people. I am more than 20 years old, I do not leave my room and live in a separate building. My mother makes special trips to my house several times a week and cooks food (to be clear, the time of this trip is half an hour, which is a lot). I am eternally grateful to her and I always show her this, but… I can not say I love her. I consider her a very good and kind person to the point that if I were not an atheist, I would believe that she would definitely go to heaven.
And I only think of her when she comes to see me, or when I need to ask for something on the phone. I am a terrible son, and she deserves better. I would personally participate in replacing myself with a better clone that would be more responsive.
I do not know what the reason for my coldness is. I am able to love, but not my family (I only talked about my mother, but the rest of the family is also very nice to me). I would rather love someone who does not care about me or even knows about my existence than someone who would do anything for me. What the hell? I guess I was so used to being rejected at school that I felt dependent on it, and the love from the family was perceived as something obligatory and default, so it was not noticed by me.
R: 27 / I: 3
tell me anon, how lonely are you actually? what do you do to cope with your loneliness?
R: 15 / I: 0

Suicide preparations for the aftermath

Suicide methods are always discussed but what about the preparations of what you're leaving after killing yourself. I mean a lot may not care and simply leave but how about those who want to leave some "order" either because they have somebody to esteem or to avoid your property being taken by unwanted family members, etc

Personally, so far this is my idea for things to do before suicide
>destroying/throwing away several stuff I own I don't want anybody to inherit or to find
>leave my room in order and as empty as possible
>I'm thinking to leave some notes or audio to one or two people I'd like to say goodbye or clarify why I'm killing myself
>I'll also leave some resources for my parents on how to deal with this (yes, maybe retarded, but at least something)
>about my body, I'm thinking about purguing myself to be as empty as possible and drink only water before the suicide. This because I don't want my body end being a worse mess after I die (I'll kill myself at home)
Do you plan to do anything? Any ideas?
R: 29 / I: 7
What would be a good platform to stream suicide? Twitch would instantly ban.
R: 24 / I: 2

good vibes

let's have a thread were we post stuff that brings us good feelings we wish could last forever.
you know, the kind of feels that makes you say "maybe life is worth it".
R: 10 / I: 0

Body aches

7 years ago i worked out for a couple weeks on a ghetto gym with no teacher and i have arthrosis ever since. Im 22 now. Cant do jumping jacks because the shoulders start hurting before i get tired. Cant run without knees and shins hurting for weeks afterwards. Elbows hurt slightly out of random. Back and feet hurts from carrying mere 50lb sacks at work. Fuckin kill me.
R: 15 / I: 1

how messed up has life been to you?

how messed up has life been to you? What's your story?

I was born preterm, 7 months in the womb. I was always sick as a child. Only child. Parents physically abused me, specially mom, constantly. I remember my childhood as one big episode of crying that never ended. I occassionally drink as a kid, never forgot alcohol. I'm allergic to most pain medications except opiates, never forget that either. Got bullied at school. Got expelled from school because I'm aggressive and autistic at the same time. Went to a private high school surrounded by wealthy normies. Stop getting hit at 15, but the damage is done. My parents were getting through a divorce but they got back together and I hated that, my dad impregnated another succubi, I have a half-sister and I'm 13 years older.

I turn 18, I am forced to work and pay my education because I'm a third-worldler. "I have money, I can do what I want". Get into heavy drinking, pills and drugs. Highly aggressive and erratic behaviour. Get kicked out from home, mom genuinely questions why I act this way. Get constantly fired from wagecuck jobs, get bad grades. Fast forward to 25, already been to rehab, to the psych ward, attempted suicide, been living from place to place. Turning 26 soon, went back to living with parents temporally, been sober for a week. I managed to meet my sister in 2018 but I was high/drunk all the time I spent with her and my dad and she blocked me and that really hurt me.

I have lots of psychiatric shit but it's BPD, severe depression and insomnia what fucks with me the most. Statistically I'm likely to snap because I've had psychotic episodes before. Now I'm feeling emotionally attached to mom like never before because she's being nice to me for the first time ever and I hate that. I couldn't give two fucks about my dad despite he basically funding food and everything. I hate my job and my colleagues hate me. Coronavirus coming soon.
R: 8 / I: 0
After years of NEETdom, I finally managed to get a trial workday as a postman. Really gave it my best shot, stayed focused, walked quickly, got shit done. In the end, my supervisor and I finished our route an hour ahead of our schedule. I felt good about myself.

Two days later, I call in to reaffirm my enthusiasm for working there. No dice. Some other applicant was allegedly a faster worker than I was. I know for a fact this was a bullshit excuse for various reasons we don't need to get into here, but it means I must have left such a strongly repulsive impression that even though I was able to do the work, my supervisor apparently still hated my guts.

Nobody has the balls to actually tell me what the problem is though. That's how it's always been. People are repulsed by me, but can't tell me why. So I get shat on, but I don't even know what I'm doing wrong. And there's no autismbux for being inherently unlikeable either. Why didn't I fucking rope as a dumb teenager when I was just confused and angry enough to go through with it?
R: 3 / I: 1

Anger Management

My moods of anger are so painful. Both emotionally & physically. At worst, it literally physically hurts, due to all the anger/tension in my chest. For me, lurking the internet & observing other people's thoughts or interactions with each other, at some some point or another, always seems to make me incredibly irritated, frustrated & downright angry. Reddit is exactly the sort of place that I can't even lurk for as little as 10 minutes without becoming noticeably ornery. And the reason for that is simply due to how annoyed I get at observing other people. What they say, what they think, or whatever else they do. Naturally a certain level of irritation is a given in a place like that, accounting for the fact that reddit is made for & by normals & to be a platform for their stupid normal bullshit. I really can't give an example of another site I "browse", since I literally don't have any. And part of the reason for that is that it would just piss me off too much to browse anywhere else.

Although, not to go all /meta/-burgers about it, but I'll also say that there's definitely a lot of stuff that uniquely gets on my nerves when it comes to wizchan. The difference is that wizchan has become the only site I can still tolerate when compared to everything else. However, sometimes I'll see an obvious outsider thread here or some other dumb shit that gets on my nerves and boom. There I am in another angry & painful mood. When speaking of here, what triggers me the most tends to be the usual suspects. That being, the wizchads, the warlocks, the improveabrahs, the arm chair psychologists, or people who just generally sneer or look down on depressed wizards as closet in-cels.

Having said that however, I'll admit that gif related is basically what it comes down to a lot of the time. I don't see myself as being any better, yet the stupidity or dumb bullshit of other people always seems to get on my nerves. I have a very unique & narrow range of acceptability for internet stupidity or humor and anything beyond it just annoys/irritates me. That itself is actually a somewhat large reason why I also hate other websites. Again, reddit is rife with stupid normal melodrama & their equally pathetic stupidity & constant pathetic attempts at "meme making" or simply spouting retarded one liners, or what have you. I just can't take it man. I fucking hate people. I just fucking hate people. My only interactions with others are those that I have here. I literally can't even entertain the possibility of posting anywhere else. That's how much I despise the rest of the internet.

Well, I realize the best option for someone like me would be to simply stop browsing the internet. Getting angry & upset like this doesn't do me any favors, yet then I'm faced with the boredom & emptiness that I'm otherwise plagued with. It's a really nasty & sanity draining combination, I have to say. I get so upset at times I end up intermittently kicking the wall for like 5-10 minutes until my foot gets sore. I feel like I'm burning alive here. An inferno of irritation & anger scorching me to bits. It really drives me fucking crazy. Angry, hate-filled, self-pitying, narcissistic, arrogant, self-absorbed, depressed, mentally ill, useless, inarticulate, clumsy. Could I be any fucking worse? The answer is of course yes, since everyday the bottom keeps dropping out lower & lower. It just keeps happening. Over & over, again & again.
R: 13 / I: 2
Last year I went on vacation with my dad and his boomers friends. Two of them in their early 70s, still act immature, and are always checking out females. They never talk to me, unless they want to make passive aggressive comments. For example, we all went to the store, and I was looking for a new shirt since I've gained a bit of weight, and I over heard one of them say, "he needs to look for a mask instead" and start laughing. Made me feel like shit. But it isnt the first time a boomer has made fun of me. Anyone have a similar experience?? why do old people do this?
R: 5 / I: 1

Disassociation

Does anyone else have this constant experience where your 'thinking' and 'feeling', your whole experience of the situation, is not integrated with your physical body? It always feels like 'I' exist slightly above my head but that I have lost direct connection to it. My personal perspective seems secluded from its physical condition, the body. There is this term called metacognition which means something like "thinking about thinking" which means to think about yourself from a distant perspective and to me it feels like I am always in a state of meta-cognition and even meta-feeling, where I am above my body and process my bodily sensations from a distant place, secluded from the direct experience our bodies should provide.

It's kind of a spatial phenomenon where my Ego seemingly floats above my body. Before I process the external world normally and quickly through my body/ brain it makes this detour above my head which always makes me react to many things very slowly and ineffectively as it also makes everything really blunt. Things barely affect me because of this, they lose their emotional coloration, and it really sucks. It's the main reason why it's almost impossible for me to relate to other persons including image boards.

Last week I had this incident where I was lying in bed and suddenly it felt like I (the distant Ego) was falling back into my body. It was a beautiful, indescribably relieving moment where my mind and body felt one. It was the first time in a long, long time where I felt absolute CONTROL, absolute power, where I could control what I would feel, what I would want, what I would think and most of all, the direct knowledge of how to move and operate my body and decision-making processes. My thinking became very fast, sharp, structured and rational which otherwise it never is because of all the delusional, unwanted and chaotic thoughts. It was so random and the next day I woke up it was gone. In that moment I just knew I could have managed to master the most difficult of social situation, could have learned anything I wanted to and the most magical part is that I knew that I could have easily induced intrinsic motivation. I could have said 'I want to learn this language' and could have done it with ease and willingly. Of course the next day reality hit and no matter what I wanted to do then is now unreachable, I cannot have the thought 'I want to learn a language' without knowing that I will never achieve such thing and never have the power to form intrinsic motivation to do anything.

Also that made me wondering if this how normal persons go through the day. I would make very much sense and explain why I am so much more of an invalid in everything I do. Life must be easy if you normally have so much control about yourself.
R: 8 / I: 1

Derealization effect on motivation

For many years now I've found myself doubting if the world is real. I keep thinking I'll go to bed and wake up in a completely different "real world". When I reach out to grab something I doubt if it is actually solid and/or expect my fingers to phase right through it.

I've been thinking about this a lot and I think that my lack of "drive" or motivation comes from the fact that I doubt this is my real reality, what is the point in doing anything if it can vanish at any point?

For reference I've been a NEET for over 3 years now, and every year my DR issues get worse. At it's worse I've gotten full on psychosis, hearing voices and seeing things.

I've been in inpatient and outpatient programs and seen tons of therapy, even tried meds and ECT, nothing got rid of the DR and lack of motivation, although I got some of the mood issues under control.

Sometimes I even feel like killing myself just to see if I'll "wake up" in the real world. I'm really not sure what to do anymore.
R: 50 / I: 6

I have Sodium now.

I now have acquired Sodium nitrite. I only need metoclopramide. And i will kill myself. I can't find any though. but i will keep on looking.
R: 4 / I: 0

Not wanting things

Does anyone else just not really want things, in a general sort of way? Most people have clear ideas about wanting this or that, some fancy car or house, a boat, a new game, a trip somewhere, etc. Even children are able to answer questions about what they want for Christmas, what they want to do on the school holidays, or what sort of occupation they want when they grow up, but my answer was always "I don't know" or "nothing". And it was true, I just didn't want anything, and it's still pretty much true.
Most of the things I do or buy is only because of some kind of obligation/expectation that I will do it, or to satisfy a particular need (like buying food, or needing to replace something because the old thing broke). Even then it's usually with some reluctance. Without things like that I probably wouldn't even get out of bed.
R: 67 / I: 10
Anyone else raised to value academics over personal enjoyment? And then they went through elementary and most of middle school as an "excellent student" before getting to high school and being overshadowed by everyone else?
By that point psychologists wouldn't even bother seeing me to diagnose me with the very obvious ADD that I had. Or even the depression because they would ask my dad more than me.
R: 17 / I: 4
>If you're not good at anything and a bad learner you will not survive on the outside.

Just something I saw some other wizard on here say today. I can't help, but think of Brooks. My fate would be identical.
R: 12 / I: 0

Failure Accumulation Overload

I'm continually tormented by my past failures. Whenever I try to pick something up again, I just get paralyzed by my past and I feel like I can't move on.
R: 73 / I: 12

Imaginary friend thread

Hey. I posted this thread on lounge, but I think this board would be a better place to discuss it. I have had an imaginary friend now for about 5 years. I created her when I was in a dark place, and since then she has helped me get my life together and improve myself tremendously. I am quite honestly sure she saved my life.

This is one of those things I feel could help a lot of people out (and not just people dealing with depression), but it's something that isn't really considered by many people - most people don't really take imaginary friends seriously - and so I kinda want to raise awareness a bit.

You can call her a tulpa if you want, but I prefer to avoid that term. She is entirely in my head, and she's not magical at all, so keep that in mind. Anyone can make one, and you don't need any crazy rituals or leaps of faith to do so, you just need to put in a little effort.

I'll try to answer every question, even questions of a more intimate / personal nature, and if you want to ask her anything, I can relay the question to her. If you want to talk about your own experiences dealing with these things, please do, it's always nice to know me and my partner aren't alone in this.

Stay strong!
R: 25 / I: 0

bad neighbours

my neighbour suddenly started listening to music every day from 1am-3am, this happened the past 5 days already
I asked my father to talk politely to him to make him stop, but my father said that it's his right to listen to music in his own house, and since the sound isn't very loud we can't do anything about it
while the music isn't loud, it is right next to my window (my neighbour's room and mine face each other) and it's waking me up every night and I can't sleep while it's playing so I have to wait it to stop before I can sleep again
I'm an anxious wreck right now, I dread even being in my room at night because I know I'll get woke up by music again
is there anything I can do? is it really legal to listen to music at 1am as long as it isn't too loud? That seens so unfair
I told my mom I would talk to the neighbor myself since my dad doesn't want to, but she told me not to do it since my dad said no and it might make things worse
I feel so depressed, I even started sleeping on the couch in the living room yesterday
It's not the first time I have a bad neighbor either, it seens I attract these people to me. I feel like god is playing a prank on me just to make me suffer
it may seen like I'm whining but trust me, if you ever dealt with things like this you'll know it. The pain is real. Even when the music stops you're constantly anxious, thinking "when will it start again?"
Is my dad a cuck for refusing to talk to this guy? or is he right and I'm just too sensitive? It's waking up my sister too so it's not just me
R: 3 / I: 1
Easiest way to sudoku and the one I'm going to use is drop my wired phone in the bathtub and fry to death.

Every other methods are meme tier.
R: 4 / I: 0
First time I've come here in months, I'm the anon that made the puppy thread and I got a second one. I cannot recall the last time I've had suicidal thoughts, dogs are like the friends I needed but never had. I'm not telling everyone to get a dog but some of you might feel less lonely if you had a companion. They love me more than any human ever could. I always thought of dogs as stupid drooling mindless animals but when you have a puppy of your own it's so very different. And to the anon that said I'd lose interest once they grow big, the first puppy is fully grown in size and I still love him just as much, I feel like he's grown closer to me and we understand each other without talking to each other. My puppies cured a lot of my depression and I can talk out loud all my autistic thoughts to them and they'll always listen which helped improve my voice from sounding squeaky from always being silent.
R: 17 / I: 2

Narcissism

Does anyone else here have narc-ish episodes, only to soon after revert back to self-loathing?
R: 1 / I: 1

Magical Thinking

So to be honest, as true wizardhood approaches, I realize I have sort of always been engrossed by magical thinking. I was always aware of the factors that would lead to my lack of functionality but I had always been taught to try to overcome them. Some false positives occurred from time to leading me to believe I was special in some sense when in reality I didn't bring any value to the external world. We are ultimately centered on our own experience, so for me that manifested in me seeing myself as a main character. Eventually I'd find something I was good at because that's how it turns out.

I never connected with people well and I would usually be more of a hindrance/annoyance so I isolated more and more. When it came to the real world, I had no ability to do everything everyone else does like control facial expressions or say the right thing at the right time. I was never able to get the level of acumen in some technical field to make up for it. All in the end I was good at was trivia but due to the fact that no one assumes someone who can parrot facts is developmentally challenged, they just assumed the awkwardness, lack of motor coordination, etc. as character flaws rather than being innate. I would shift between periods of false hope and then the crash and burn and I always deluded myself by finding any little bit of hope to be self-sufficient. I liken it to flying without wings and I am somehow worse off than I would have been if I had just rotted in my room for the past 10 years.

It's awful how magical thinking can actually make stuff worse. It's weird in retrospect thinking of all those loser characters like Gil on the simpsons or the slackers in comedy movies and that's me.

Does anyone else ever let themselves get carried away with a sense of feeling special and that things will have to work out? For some people this happens with the lottery like you know who. I did that before, but I also did a lot more "realistic" stuff only to fail hard. Has anyone else crash and burned?
R: 125 / I: 13
How did you or your parents ruined your life? What did cause your transformation to wizard?
R: 18 / I: 4
im considering full hanging to be my way to go but im still anxious about it

English aint my first langue so sorry for my mistakes

i know that if its done CORRECTLY and did not get saved it ll have a high chance of success and very low chances of failing probably the surest way among the simple methods i used to consider partial hanging but i ve seen many threads of ppl failing at it due to lack of luck or being unable to find right spot altho they settled everything properly and tried MANY times

yesterday i ve seen a post here from a user who claimed to fail at full hanging

ofc i know its a very low chance f failing but tbh ALMOST every method can heck there are people who fallen from a plan but yet survived altho their chance s of surviving was 1/10000000 but yet it happened there is no 100/100 here

full hanging is my only hope and i know that its th surest way to go among simple ones but yet am anxious about it

is anyone here feeling the same?

also im not planning to do it at any time soon probably after some decades to come b4 i CTB my reasons r mostly philosophical ones
R: 8 / I: 1

Shotgun suicide

I am an idiot and have failed at everything I do which is why I need your help. If you have ever shot a shotgun you know they have lots of kick. I am too stupid to understand how to hold a shotgun to kill myself but I know that you need 00 shells and have to put it in your mouth. How do you hold the shotgun to kill yourself? Do you put it against a wall? Do you hold it with your legs? How does that work. Bear with me, I'm an idiot.
R: 7 / I: 1

feeling trapped on this earth by guilt

I can easily justify taking my own life, as I experience a debilitating depression and an uncompromisingly nihilistic outlook on life. Every time I truly consider going through with the act, however, I'm plagued with visions of my mom crying over my dead body.

The opening track of this album, a 911 operating call of a child reporting the suicide of their brother, recently brought me to tears over the matter.

Neither my parents, nor my brothers, deserve the burden of pain and anguish that would result from my death. Even so, I'm still heavily conflicted with whether or not to put an end to my wretched existence.

Anons that are planning on ending your lives, how do you deal with this matter?
R: 15 / I: 3

The end coming soon

I was framed
I am hated
I was insulted
I sought
I will be harmed
and i don't understand what happened
People think I'am the worst but I think I'am a victim ini this hidden operation

People want me to die
I want to die
Everyone want me to die
R: 6 / I: 1
hello dep wizards. may you all find some tranquility in this troubled world.
R: 303 / I: 36

Suicide General

The last suicide general has hit the bump limit.
Previous thread:
>>209199
R: 19 / I: 1

Sodium nitrite

Does anyone know where to get sodium nitrite. has anyone bought any already and could share the links or the seller. please help, i want to get this over and done with as soon as possible.
R: 10 / I: 3

Flashbacks

I'm nearing graduation to wizard, but I'm still a kid deep down. I keep getting flashbacks to shitty experiences and it's really hard to stop them from being triggered. Only thing I can do to distract is wikipedia-dive but that's not productive. It's weird seeing myself as I currently am.

There was a movie where I don't remember the name probably from the 80s where a kid is taken in a space ship and when he's let off, he's still a kid but everyone else has gotten older. It's like that but only on the inside.
R: 7 / I: 2

Bye guys

So yeah this might be my last few days on this shitty fucking planet catch you all in the next life bros
R: 13 / I: 2

sanity

I'm having a hard time at home for something that I admit is probably stupid.

My family are the typical consumer types, people who love the convenience of Amazon Prime without any thought towards how awful Amazon are.

This reached its peak when my family ""invested"" in an Amazon Alexa, and I feel like my sanity has been slipping away ever since.

I walk into my living room and my entire family is huddled around it asking it to tell them vapid random facts or telling it to play some song by The Beatles, I already have a fragile psyche but seeing this consistently is horrific.

I feel like my family willingly ignore all of the proof that these Alexas aren't safe in the slightest, that stupid box could be listening to me typing this through the paper-thin walls.

I don't know what to do, my family don't listen to my protests, not that they ever have. I want to take it and throw it out, break it apart with a hammer, but if I do that I'd just end up on the streets. I feel hopeless.
R: 18 / I: 2

I have no idea what to do with myself

Hello everyone, hope you guys are having a decent enough day/night as it is; unfortunately for me however, I cannot say I am feeling the same. As of recently, I have been feeling ever so more depressed and quite frankly, I hardly see the reason to keep living in this cold and unforgiving world. I know what will be the death of me, and that will be that of either suicide or cancer due to me always having acid reflux with my body slowly killing itself as I age with it



Why shouldn't I just kill myself? I see a lot of other threads talking about this type of shit and I wished I had the courage to do so yet I can't bring myself to it. I live a quite unhappy life, I hardly see the pleasure in life and I can't even recall a time where I have been genuinely happy in the past few years it's been nothing but shit. I would say I have anhedonia yet I haven't been to any psychologist of sorts as I feel if I went, they would put me in prison for the rest of my life, in the sake of 'for the safety of myself and others around me' .



Fuck this life, I have no idea what I am doing in it, why I am still living just so I can suffer in this world where I am forced to work just so these kikes can earn their sheckles, where the world looks down on me for being fucking ugly short and a virgin and normalfags are now identifying themselves as doomers because they saw some shitty meme that dealt with a nihilistic ideology and how much they hate the world and think it's cool to be edgy, fuck this I don't even know what I'm saying or ranking on about I just wished I didn't exist on this stupid fucking joke of a world that I inhabit. I know most of you would recommend I just kill myself and quite frankly, I would take your advice but I'm too scared, I just want to die of cancer at this point which I know will be soon as I have no intentions on preventing this acid from destroying me internally.
R: 4 / I: 0

Build your church on the strength of your fears

Suffering and fear are force. Wizards can channel this force to achieve anything.

What's your fear and what's your temple?

My fear is lack of knowledge and self-restraint. Feeling shackled to society, to drugs, to alcohol, to mentall illness.

My temple is my will to keep on going despite any hardships, until I eventually die. Enjoying the small things in life until I die, like yesterday I ate some peach greek yougurt from Switzerland and it was the best yogurt I've ever had and that's from another continent. I decided to quit substances again and went back to lifting. I still have a voice and a will, nothing will take that away from me.
R: 7 / I: 2

eating.

I hate my eating habits. I feel miserable in my body that's slowly succumbing to my poor diet and lack of exercise, I notice new stretch marks and cellulite on my body daily and it makes me sick.

I don't want to eat anymore but it's hard to resist when the only thing that I really like to do with my spare time is eat, snack, and graze. I always feel like I never eat enough, I spend what little money I have on fast food.

How can I stop being like this? I'm miserable.
R: 68 / I: 11
>want 'free' thing?
>prove you don't need it first!
>want a job?
>can't hire you unless you had one before!
>want to live in the woods?
>emancipation means nothing due to loitering laws!
>don't like it and leave the country!
>oh, but no other country will take you so go drown in the ocean instead!
>EVENTUALLY you'll grow up and want to play our 'game'!
>move out of your mothers house already and be a slave to profits and idiotic draconian rules!
>if you don't it'll be too late, but oh, it's never too late of course!
>if she/they/he dies you'll end up on the streets aka in jail with normalfags!
>better get to work quick, time is running out, but not really!
>want a loan to help you?
>lol get a job fag
>can't get a job, what a manchild!
>he's 30 and he has never worked!
>work for free first and maybe they'll hire you after your volunteer work!
>just get an education even though you're stupid, and oh, get a loan for tuition first XD
>WHAT you failed your semester? Go work at mcondalds with niggers and zoomers!
>LOL NEVERMIND WE IGNORED YOUR APPLICATIONS XDDD
>his dream is to live in the woods what a loser! XDDDDDD
R: 8 / I: 1

Wasting time because of guilt

Anybody here waste time on meaningless thing (internet, games, television, etc) because of immense guilt or anxiety? I waste so many time browsing the internet and such because of the past things that I've done and I don't know how to break that habit. I feel like i'm stuck in a prison.
R: 4 / I: 1

Tired of all this crap

I’ve been depressed for my entire adult life. How do others endure this crap, day in and day out?
R: 23 / I: 0
Killing myself to night with a an aux cord, no point all this stupid shit, true wizardy is death because that's where you'er most alone. Nothing But Filth. Emjoy this site for me won't ya'll,It's a real nice solace place. Goodbye wizzies.
R: 33 / I: 4

Coping with low IQ?

Does anyone know a good way of coping with being stupid? It's really the worst: you can't succeed and you don't know why. Smart people make fun of you and rarely are people willing to help you for free. It hurts the ego and feels bad but it also lowers the quality of life by a lot because the best ways to make money require you to be a step ahead others.
R: 86 / I: 10

Eternal oblivion after death

I despise life to an upmost extreme and I want to know that the certainty of eternal void after death is a sure thing ?

I would scared if there is endless reincarnation. I don't how come I seem to exist in the first place but I want to be in endless non existence state.
R: 7 / I: 1

I don’t feel the world

Is it normal not to feel the world around you? I mean, I acknowledge it, I understand things exist through my senses, but it doesn’t seem like I really feel the world like a normal person would. Is this what it means to grow up?

When I was a kid, it used to be that every sensory experience was so intense. All the smells were memorable, the feeling of cold and heat on my skin was more remarkable, the sensation of having the wind brushing against my face, and this almost visceral feeling I had about specific places that I just can’t explain in words. Everything now is so dead. It’s as if I had covered myself in fabric and I can’t feel the wind anymore, or the touch, or smells, or anything. I feel like I’m dead and I’m only my mind. Everyhing is filtered through my mind, it’s as if I’ve become some sort of observer of real life, not an active participant. Sometimes this seems to be the reason I can’t enjoy life much.

Is this a normal part of life? Does anyone else feel the same? It feels like I’ve lived for a thousand years and no sensory experience is enjoyable.
R: 13 / I: 1

Loss aversion

Anyone else struggling with this hard?

Any time I lose money I can't stop giving myself a hard time about it. Depending on the amount it can ruin my entire day, week, month and sometimes be on my mind indefinetly. I keep feeling regret and feeling stupid for losing it by making very obvious mistakes. I keep replaying in my mind what I could have done differently and how better the present would be if I haven't done that mistake. I get this heavy feeling in my chest and lose my appetite and find it unable to enjoy or focus anything, even less than usual.

I try to think rationally:

1. It happened and no amount of regret and feeling sorry for myself will change it.

2. If I could have prevented it it would not have happened. As stupid as the mistake may seem in hindsight something in that moment made me think it was the right thing to do.

3. Losing money already sucks and if I keep feeling bad about it I just make myself feel worse for no reason.

Still even with this rationality it keeps bothering me. I feel like my life is already shitty enough that adding new problems for no reason feels especially bad. Like I already have more than enough issues to deal with.
R: 3 / I: 0

make me cry

Make me cry, I can't cry. I want to cry, been having troubles. I am a worthless drug addict/alcoholic that can't fucking quit. I was 4 fucking days sober, I am back at it again.

I might not even be worthy of calling myself a wizard. What's the point of wisdom if you still suffer? Here I am, drinking myself to stupor, using a deadñy cocktail, listening to sad songs. Can't fucking cry.

You know what's my weakness? I love too much, I care too much. But no one loves me back. No family or a place to call home.I can't control my mood swings, this is torture, I want tondie but I can't.

I love you, you're my brethen, but I am sure you don't care, why should you?

Addiction is hell. This life is hell. Imagine Sisyphus fucking suicidal, not happy.
R: 12 / I: 2
How does one cope with seeing other people who live average lives, with average amounts of happiness and sadness, and knowing this is almost statistically unatainable for oneself?

I almost can't even watch a movie or look at a painting or read a book without thinking "the person who made this seems to have lived a mostly normal life, or the worst suffering moments they had were cured by sheer luck of having a good support structure, or by pure randomness". Health problems are the most miserable facet of this existence. Everything else can be fought against, so long as you have a healthy body, but as soon as that body starts breaking, even simple things become such a horror show.
It is surreal how much I feel like no one in my life can remotely relate to the health problems or other things I'm going through, yet they expect me to handle this like one of the normal people with average lives. Just now I decided to cut ties with some of my last "friends" for this exact reason. I think for the first time in my life I am actually 100% alone. I just can't bear always being the only failed and sick person in every circle I'm in, and have people tell me empty advice just to get me out of their sights, so they can feel good that they "helped" me.
I thought this was gonna happen at some distant future, old age, deathbed, but no. It's happening now.

Please tell me there is a way at least to cope or subside the anxiety and horrible feelings I get whenever I see those fortunate enough to lead average lives. Each of their smiles feels like an absolute knife in my stomach. I feel a deep sense of despair knowing the only people that would relate to me are those who eventually kill themselves, and I am scared to do something like this to myself and fail. I don't want to die, I just wanted to live with a better life quality. I never wanted to be rich. I never wanted anything so extra. Just a regular fucking life with regular fucking challenges.
R: 1 / I: 1

how to cope with having to cope

I am at peace with the external world, I accept all my situations.

Now, I am mentally ill, that detail is important. How do you cope with having to cope? I hace to cope not being able to drink or use drugs again.

No matter how much at peace I am with the external world, my inner force is chaotic, destructive, pessimist,I can't overcome it.
R: 21 / I: 3

Cancer

I have a skin disease called Vitiligo, I have white spots around 30% of my body at 25. I live in a very sunny and hot country and it's sunny all day long. The sun burns me easily.

I am more prone to having moles. I was born with two moles in my dick, one in my glans and one bellow it, only had the one in the glans partially removed by a doctor recently.

Just got the news it was pre-cancerous but it got "entirely removed and I am safe" which is a lie because there is still part of that mole in my glans. Didn't know where else to share this. Wrote my mom even though I cut off contact with parents.

Still gotta remove two moles from my back, one and a half from my dick, one from my hip and one from my knee. All potentially cancerous.

Irony. I wasn't afraid of attempting suicide multiple times. I haven't been afraid at the face of ODing on drugs. I could kill myself right now if I wanted to. I don't value my life BUT fucking cancer scares me.
R: 299 / I: 60

Depression Crawl Thread XXIII

Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.
R: 17 / I: 0
Good evening to all.
I want to ask of you people for advice on my problem.
My problem is that I am unhappy.
Currently I have no friends to talk to.
I tried substituting my need for socializing by talking with my mother but alas,me being a parasite in her life she doesn't enjoy talking to me or doing activities together.
I don't have a big need for human interaction thus I always believed that I could find peace,fulfillment and happiness alone but it didn't work for me.
I lied to myself for years.
I tried making friends in uni,but since I didn't live at the dorms and had horrible social skills I ended up not being able to connect with any of them.
I tried making online friends but it is next to impossible for me since I didn't have access to the internet growing up I have no clue how to make and maintain online relationships.
Online communities always revolve around a hobby,a theme of sorts and I have no hobbies,interests,aspirations,desires etc..
I sleep 15 hours a day then stare at my desktop till I get sleepy.
The intrusive suicidal thoughts are so bad that I can't even enjoy doing the only thing left,eating while watching random anime.
I fantasize about killing myself and realize I haven't been paying attention to the episode for the last 10 minutes.
All the hobbies I pick up bring out the bitterness in me,jealousy,intrusive thoughts about how I wasted my life and how I am dumb and the like.
I tried cycling,game development,music,games,just consuming media and even porn.
Nothing ever goes through my mind anymore.
I used to have vivid fantasies of fantastic worlds in my head when I was little.
Now I have brain fog so bad I can barely function.
I don't even have the energy to type this rant out….
I always wondered why I ended up like this.
Is it because of my childhood?
My mom sheltered me until I was in 6th grade/11 years old.
I didn't have a computer because back then nobody did but I didn't have a console or toys or friends either.
When I got to the age of 12 my dad sent me to a religious camp 200 miles form home for a couple of years.
It was hell.
We got beat up daily,food was so bad I ended up sick and even to a hospital twice after being left for 3 days in the sick room without anybody checking on me.
It was very cold in the winter.
The kids at school laughed at us because we were from that camp.
They shoved up to 10 of us in a normal car and drove us to the school.
It was humiliating getting out of the car and into the school grounds.
There were about 100 boys in 3 bedrooms.
We got up at 5:30 AM for prayers and then we cleaned the place.
I remember that sometime we were told to stay at the camp and sell the donation clothes and toys we got in a flea market that the guards organized at the entrance to the camp.
The guards organized gladiator style battles between us and gave spare change to the winner.
I got beat up a lot there too.
Some boys were even fucking each other in the showers.
It was basically prison.
I begged my father for years to let me come back home and in the end he did.
It wasn't much better.
I am from a post communist no name shithole and I was a minority ethnically and religiously even here.
I havent been religious anymore for a long time though.
I remember hearing the parents at the kindergarten that they aren't allowed to play with me because of my ethnicity.
It scared me for life.
I was a kind kid,I cried when I stepped on an ant,when dad bought home live fish to eat.
I went out of my way to help everyone.
I even put the fallen leafs of the trees in autumn closer to the tree so that they won't feel sad.
Ah so naive,so innocent…
I never cared much for my appearance and that definitely didn't hold me back,even though that didn't help me either.
I truly don't know what could have cause my outcome.
A sad,depressed,failed,loser with a deathly fear of going insane one of these days.
I don't know what to do.
I have so many problems and I am too dumb to even put them into comprehensible words so that I can actually receive help from a stranger somewhere on the internet.
Please help!
R: 205 / I: 155

depressing images

Post nothing but depressing pictures. You can add depressing text, personal anecdotes, et cetera to your post, but each one must contain a depressing image. preferably grayscale and "artsy" but any "blackpill" pictures suffice. I am in the mood to expand my collection.
R: 4 / I: 0

Very sick dizzy wizzy

I stabilize my mood. Some months go by, I start dedicating time to hobbies. I relapse back to severe depression and suicide, stop hobbied and resume substance abuse. Decide to stop one day and improve. The cycle happens over and over again.

My doctor treats me for free, a fucking renowned psychiatrist. He tells me I his most difficult patient. I am "bright" and incredibly stubborn. I refuse to take anti-psychotics, my doctor hates my anti-depressant.

I honestly don't know what the fuck to do. Yesterday I basically told this man that I'll be gone soon. All I got was "you are a great wizard, just take your meds and hold on". A renowned shrink.

I only think in substance abuse to prevent self harm. Today I am likely to use.

What are your thoughts? What the fuck should I do?
R: 7 / I: 0

Interesting stuff in the world.

I feel like there is no interesting stuff in the world anymore. Science has no potential (no cool inventions in the near future), books\movies\games have the same ideas and stories. Programming\ML is a meme.

Everyday I start my morning from lurking news\interesting stuff in the world. And now I see - everyday all is the same there. At least, I feel that.

I start to search rare and good movies/music. Also I start to write some texts to feel that my current day is not the same as my previous days.

I have realized that I NEED something new everyday. But almost everybody around me just lives own life and don't care about new stuff in own life.

I feel like I have a bad psychological characteristic (bad - in the current time) which don't allow for me to be just calm in the current "boring" world (where people just live same days everyday and don't care about it).

I know about this all but my "firmware" is very strong and my mind always wants something new. My mind says to me "Do something! Search something new! Search possibilities! Search search search!". It's really hard to be against own mind.

Does anybody here feel such feelings?