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/dep/ - Depression

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R: 5 / I: 0
anyone got link to latest "The Peaceful Pill" book?

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R: 53 / I: 8

Depression Crawl Thread XLIV

Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.
R: 10 / I: 0
Watching fma made me realize something. I realised that most people have sins (sometimes these attributes are stronger in some ppl, sometimes they are weaker, but they always are)
>Pride
>Greed
>Lust
>Gluttony
>Sloth
>Envy
>Wrath
To properly function in the society, in this world you must adapt some of these sins (I mean mainly wrath, greed and pride) If you lack these 3 main attributes, then you are very easy target to attack and they can destroy you.
R: 42 / I: 1
Is anyone’s life similar to or worse than Arthur fleck (joker 2019) life? Do you have a story? Tell us about it

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joker_(2019_film)
R: 47 / I: 12

Suicide General III: Shotgun

Hi, I have a few questions about the shotgun method. Obviously you should use 12 gauge and buckshot or slugs? What about recoil? You put it in the roof of your mouth?
R: 45 / I: 5

On suffering from low intelligence and cognitive impairment in general

Suffering from low intelligence may be one of the worst fates one can have. It’s just a curse. There is no cope left for me. I am so terribly bad at everything I attempt to cope with, that I’ve always given up out of genuine frustration. I’ve never been good at anything, not even average. Without any exception I am the complete bottom of the barrel. Be it video games, writing little stories or something else. I have great difficulties grasping everyday concepts and ideas, which a normal adult man is supposed to understand. There is nothing I can do to stop thinking about it at least temporarily, as I notice this problem or condition (however you want to call it) in literally everything I do. The other day someone tried to explain a game to me, yet I struggled heavily understanding it and the supposed fun become slowly torture until I ran away out of my room and cried. This pattern repeats very often, dare I say always.

I blame inferior genetics and to some degree environmental factors as well to have caused this. In the end I don’t know really. The question is irrelevant anyways, as there can not be done anything about my genetics nor the environment, in which I grew up in first place.

I was greatly overestimated my whole life. For some reason people had unbelievably high expectation which just were not in touch with reality at all. School was hard in particular due to that. The first few years I could get away with memorizing the stuff I was supposed to know without really understanding it or at least understanding it later in the process, but my memory got worse and worse over time and the subject matter only more difficult, which lead in the end me becoming NEET. There I no work I am useful for. Even the easiest and least complex jobs out there are too much for me, at least long term. Neither stress nor other people I can deal with. Hence I am more or less doomed to NEETdom and LDARing.

Other than that, I’ve noticed a rapid decline in my cognitive ability in the past years. Most probably my mental illness contributes to this the most, even though it’s getting actively treated with meds.
Not only my memory and my concentration is getting worse, but my logical reason and smaller things one might not think of at the first glance like my reaction speed.
(In particular when dealing with a conversation with someone else, I most of the time happen to have a noticeable latency between the moment I get talked to and the second I answer. )
This is just a terrifying process to watch my slowly decaying brain worsening with every day.

Maybe some wizards can relate? What’s your experience with cognitive impairment and similar issues?
R: 46 / I: 5

I feel like a disgrace to my mother

My mom is supportive of everything and doesn’t force anything upon me but I feel like I don’t deserve her. She’s a single mother who slaves her days to earn money, does the grocery shopping, makes food just so I could focus my time on studying or smthg but I decided to let her down. I’m unemployed, and currently in community college. She paid all the fees for me to attend the big universities just for me to be denied entry because my grades were actual shit. At the time it didn’t bother me, I jus sat around like a lazy piece of shit. But now I’m going to do something with my life, get a job, and try to transfer myself to a university to earn a useful degree. But there are so many people my age and younger, who are valedictorians, play sports, have jobs, and go to the gym. Compared to that I’m an actual disgrace, and the fucked up part is that I had all those opportunities to make my mom proud. She says she’s proud of me, but I’m truly embarrassed of myself. I feel like it’s a little late for me now though, she just wants me to settle down and all but this feeling kills me every single day. Im genuinely sorry.
R: 21 / I: 3
"I'm gonna turn my life around tomorrow"
How many of you have been saying that all your lives. So why didn't it work?
R: 10 / I: 1

ETIKA

What does /dep/ think of his suicide? He had everything going for him but he had mental issues. Yet you guys and me don't have the balls to kill ourselves.
R: 17 / I: 2
you guys do any kind of exercise or stretch at home to reduce the body pain from sitting and laying all day?
R: 310 / I: 35

Wageslave General

angry and annoyed edition

previous >>256413
R: 26 / I: 1
The fate of my life will either end in premature death or imprisonment. At this point i almost choose the later out of spite.
R: 68 / I: 5
Im terrified of succubi models. I dont even think of s-x and Im squimish but im literally afraid of them.
I was just zapping my tv looking for some shitty distraction from my existence and came across that Valerian movie but the cara succubus (was that her name?)
it sounds like im a lustful normie but im not ,really..anyways just gazing at this person has resurrected the deepest darkness of my depression
R: 2 / I: 0

meds as drugs/intentional alcoholism

This is a 2-fold post which adresses 2 different items.
First: Gettin med-icated on porpouse,thinking of benzos and other ssrs, etc..as a form of nootropic or drug.
My /only/ issue with meds is that they make me sleepy,but im quite sure I can overcome that trough 4-6 cups of strong black coffee.
I also want to fall into alcoholism,on porpouse. Yes,im that useless,but its what I think will let me cope.
R: 192 / I: 15
If you're reading this, it means you haven't killed yourself yet. So? What's the hold up?
R: 18 / I: 1

Growing dangerously disinterested and careless

I am a 20 year old NEET, I have one real friend anymore (online game buddy) and he is several decades older than me. I have pretty much zero other connections to real world human beings. Thus, I pretty much am losing interest in anything. I have no concern for my future at all, and only the faintest worry in the back of my mind this might be a problem. Not quite sure what to do about it if so. Thinking a lot lately about what homelessness would be like. I've noticed things tend to happen pretty unexpectedly, so who knows where I'll be in 5 years or whatever.
I have some creative interests but have always struggled with motivation and procrastination, but the best I have ever done was in a period of deep loneliness and isolation. It's possible something good can come from this.
Anyway, that's the post. I have nowhere I am going. Don't care about succubi, family, former friends, etc. Don't care about myself enough to secure anything. What about you?
R: 32 / I: 3

What does it mean to be happy?

I believe a lot of us are familiar with feeling happy for a brief moment every once in a while, that sporadic stage that's usually a reward when something happens in a way we were hoping for, so essentially when you feel the direct effects of dopamine in your neurons. A lot of the time we achieve this by means which many see as unhealthy, things like masturbation, junk food and drugs, where the whole purpose of doing any of these things is immediate pleasure. I don't want to talk about this sort of happiness though, the one which goes away as soon as it begins, pleasure, I want to talk about what most people see as our purpose in life, to achieve happiness in life, whatever that means.

I've been thinking about this a lot, and it just feels off, while I know that dopamine induced pleasure is a real thing, because it's so simple to experience it, the idea of simply achieving complete happiness with life sounds too abstract. I look at people around me, people I know well enough to understand what they do with their lives most of their time, and nothing adds up. I see people who are attractive, have a significant other, exercise regularly, a stable job they're interested in, comfortable income, etc. However, even with all of this, they seem so stressed and exhausted all of the time. I'm feeling that life is just inherently miserable, when people who do everything right feel this way.

Where I'm trying to get at is: What does being happy mean to you? Is it even something we can realistically achieve? I believe it's definitely more related to something like serotonin, instead of dopamine, but it still can't be the only thing, if it was then antidepressants, most specifically SSRIs, would be the recipe for happiness, and that doesn't seem to be the case. Assuming that this whole concept of being generally happy with life doesn't make any sense, then what's our purpose in life? Perhaps life's simply not worth all of the effort it demands from us, it's a game we can't win.
R: 302 / I: 47

Depression Crawl Thread XLIII

Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.
R: 24 / I: 2
if i dont sleep at least 6-7 hours a night i cant function properly the next day
i get brainfog, my vision becomes blurry and i struggle doing basic tasks

i also wake up really easily from the slightest sound and even if theres no sound i always wake up in my sleep
R: 23 / I: 2

Should depression be embraced rather than avoided?

I was thinking about how a lot of great works happened during an artist's greatest depressive periods:
- Anno's Eva
- Cobain's Nirvana
- Radiohead's Creep
- Picasso's Blue Period
There's even a story about some mathematician (whose name I forget) who worked with Erdos. He had some brain surgery and miraculously survived but was convinced it lobotimized him and he was the dumbest he had ever been. In reality, it was the most productive period of his life. I've heard the same about Galois before his eventful duel.
I've noticed two kinds of people. Those that run in absolute horror and fear of depression, and those that have come through its valley viewing it as part and parcel of life. The former view depression as a curse and something that must be fixed and stopped at all costs. The latter as a way to deal with the crushing existential dread that comes with existence. The former completely avoidant and liars to an unhealthy degree. The latter straightforward and honest to an unhealthy degree. The former view suicide as an impossibility and something not to ever discuss. The latter view it as an ever ready resort resting on the shelf and something to forthrightly discuss.
But most striking of all the differences I've noticed:
The former worry about being sad. But the latter worry about being apathetic.

Seeing this difference in temperment and philosophy has caused me to question how 'unnatural' depression even is. Whether it should be 'fixed'. What all exactly the cadre of therapists and psychiatrists are fucking up. Basically, to what extent, if any, that depression should be readily embraced and coped with?
R: 0 / I: 0

working remotely overseas in non-coding job?

do any of you guys work in a non-coding job that can be done remotely? furthermore, and critically, could this job be done from anywhere in the world whether you had permission or not?

I can't stand living in America anymore and I have no reason to stay here. Initially, i thought i could just work for 1-2 years, fuck off, rinse, and repeat, but being here is just intolerable.
R: 13 / I: 2
my sister just moved back home and i can't fucking stand her and all the noise she makes
i CANNOT sleep at all before she decides to quiet down around midnight,

example around 23:50 she'll go down and up the stairs like 5-6 times before finally deciding to brush her teeth in the kitchen wearing nothing but a bra and underwear, then she will go back up to her room and she will sit there for 50 minutes until she will go to the bathroom and after she has been to the bathroom she will yell at my mom until she wakes up then she will finally quiet down.

but even if she went up and down the stairs only once i would still wake up, its like noise from her is different and causes me to become more sensitive

(i really fucking hate her)

i think i have some buried trauma inside of me from all the shit she has done to me and my mom in the past, shes also the most useless person i know (shes 28)
R: 138 / I: 7

circumsized

I cant jerk off. my cock feels nothing. no frenulum left, not even remanent. cut tight, my dick points to the left because skin is so tight. glans is dry all the time. my fetish is foreskin and phimosis hentai now because I want foreskin so much especially when its erect and the foreskin cover the glan then the bitch lick it to uncover the glans. no rigid band, no gliding sensation. I will have to resort to anal to feel good when masterbating now so I guess im gay until my foreskin grows back.

my doctor gave me a hand job with a knife when I was a baby so does that even make me a wizard anymore?
R: 17 / I: 2

Anxiety disorder

Anyone else have an anxiety order of some kind? It's gotten to the point where I just pace around in my room for hours thinking, calculating and imagining myself in various dark and worrying situations. Things that are permanent, like being outed as a racist, doxed or something and get fired from my job and harassed until I end up homeless or dead.

While I do this, I sometimes yell out "fuck" and other obscenities when I'm in a complete state of fear, panic and hopelessness. I'm always in a state of terror. I fear people are after me and looking to ruin my life permanently.

I'm so fucking scared and I can't help but break down and cry at home and at work. I don't know what to do.
R: 111 / I: 2

anti depressants

please post your experiences with anti depressants here

i'm starting on them (Citalopram) tomorrow and im scared that ill gain weight from it
R: 55 / I: 5

do stimulants help?

Right now I have a lot of trouble concentrating, but since I was in deep depression and had intrusive thoughts, when I took some adderal I had massive stomach aches but still felt sort of good, now that Im a bit better I was wondering if any wizzies who have experience with simulants if it helped them?
R: 7 / I: 1

pessimistic misantrophy

Ive been reading Demausse's "journal of psycho-history" and the Big Bad Book of humanity. coupled with my readings on sentience,of for example plaknton,sperm cells,viruses etc..im becoming a very pessimistic person,philosophically.
I see sentience as both suffering,but also impossible to escape. Humans have been serial killer pedro tier en masses for thousands of years,since recently we got better but we're still brutally cruel to sentient life and specially fellow humans.
im not talking about reports on the news of evil..but systematic,deeply-rooted tendencies within the brain which plague millions of millions
R: 28 / I: 3

everything is fake, I despise everything

money isnt real, vehicles and buildings are cages,we are automatons of flesh, social media is cancer. everything is just a fart of the big bang…we are a fart.
I no longer even enjoy anime or vidya .Im not even bothered that I dont enjoy it. i would like to believe in eternal oblivion after death but honestly that seems unlikely even all religions are wrong.
R: 16 / I: 4

sleep deprivation stint to access higher realities/trip?

Since Im gonna die soon anyways, I dont care much about health issues. Ive been wanting to stay awake for at least 48 hours but I always pussy out and back out and dont do it.
ae there any trips,if meditating correctly etc,activated when seel deprived? will REM-rebound make me dream super trippy shit once i DO sleep?
will it merely make me feel miserable?(i read some studies saying SD causes mania tho)
R: 39 / I: 4

Technology addiction

I'm nearing my 30s and if I look back at my life, I see how getting on the internet ruined everything forever.

It's not just the addiction, it's the kind of information that makes it into your head.

The ultimate evil in this world is any type of media. The distraction from what is real or construction of any new reality is just sickening.

Anyone who claims the internet helped them cope or escape is suffering from stockholm syndrome.
R: 4 / I: 1

Stagnation of the wizard archetype

The archetype of the prototypical wizard has fallen into persistent decline. I believe, owing to the tendrils of technology and globalization having crept into almost every facet of everyday life, the perception of the wizard has degenerated into this weak, fallible shell. Wizards ought to be miserable and self-pitying, they ought to reject and ridicule themselves as society does to them. They take such a dim view of themselves by continuously deprecating their own virtue. I’ll remind everyone here that the wizard archetype, or the magician, is something that existed since ancient times. The wizard is meant to be a guide, an intermediary between that which is unknown and the normie, surface level plane of knowledge. Through isolation and deep self-reflection, the wizard achieves the understanding of the indecipherable through incomprehensible means, but I see all these “dep” threads, and every other post made here, where there is nothing but disdain for oneself and the bearing of this lifestyle. Is the wizard really this self-deplorable creature who detests any form of joy and rejoice? Or should a wizard be one who is content with oneself and is woefully aware of the ignorance of those strangers that abhor the wizardly virtue? Wizards should embody ecstasy and unity, the complete removal of the illusionary principle of individuation. The exemplary wizard should welcome a sort of ubiquitous harmony with the universe and with themselves, instead of casting themselves out of their own virtue and creating a spiritual cocoon between them and the outside world. Does anybody else agree or disagree?

Pic related, the ideal wizard.
R: 14 / I: 0

thought i had it bad

talked to this homeless dude at a train station today after he said hello. i gave him a cigarette
>got absolutely rekt in combat in the army
>his vehicle got blown 60ft and killed everyone on board
>he described so many injuries (including all his ribs broken) that i forgot most of them
>had 22 years left on a 30 year mortgage and the bank repossessed it
>killed his 2 5 year old daughters in a drunk driving accident that he cause because he was drunk
>makes wooden christmas tree sculptures and gives them out to kids on christmas to honor his daughters' memory
>said he never got to give them christmas presents and started crying a little bit

im down to my last thousand dollars and just got a job and should be able to keep staying at this airbnb but damn this dude got rekt by life.
R: 36 / I: 0
screwing up your own life is not that bad. because at least you were in control. i, for the most part, made all the right decisions and put in the effort. but i was sabotaged, and there is really nothing i can do now. the opportunities were only available for a short amount of time and it’ll never be the same again. i have become dumber, uglier and i’m not really good at anything relevant anymore. and it’s not even my fault.
R: 200 / I: 22

The Myth of "Functional" Wizards

I'm sick and tired of pretending """succesful""" wizards are even a thing. I hate using /r/crab lingo but you're a damn fakecel, mentalcel at the very worst. You know why? Because you just don't go through college mentally unharmed and have enough socialization skills to function at the level required for high paying jobs. You need a bare minimum of proper social skills to get by at that level. I guarantee you're just shy. This is an issue I saw on wizardchan all the time.
>teehee I'm getting my PhD in some shit and it's totally not like I'm social enough to get along with my classmates and not get ostracized to the point I have to dropout
>I'm a wizard too!

And yes I AM gatekeeping loserdom. Fuck you, humblebragger. I bet you've traveled all around the world.
R: 84 / I: 3

Unemployed Long-term neets how is your life and what are your plans in the future?

It's obvious my lifestyle is no longer going to work videogames,anime,porn,food, entertainment no longer satisfy me. I have started to realize I have to do something soon or I could end up homeless. I'm looking to get a job and have my own place. I would rather work then live like a rat on the street.This lifestyle is fun for the first few years,but after awhile it starts to reach diminishing return,you start to feel empty, depressed.
R: 19 / I: 1
Lately ive been obsessed with (organized and ideological,not spontaneous and petty)violence. Im not being edgy when I say this,but i have been watching holocaust footage to black metal tracks, isis videos/crude war footage to the sound of narco-rap/mexican gangsta rap..sometimes I WILL watch "petty" violence, but just vale tudo/k-1, pancrase etc..knock out compilations,on 2X speed,to epic metal music.
am I becoming lost,or becoming enlightened?
R: 62 / I: 8

Life sucks

Long story short, i have fas and schizophrenia
My mother denies everything, i hate her. I'm an anomaly, i'm a mistake. Something that shouldn't be
I'm literally a deficient creature, this world has failed me. I wish i could get something in return.
It makes sense to want to destroy things, to exact revenge, to make some sense out of this.
But the universe is indifferent and nihilism is the only truth, if i could erase everything i would.
R: 12 / I: 0
Help me get out of this nightmare.

I'm a 26 yo neet that wants to kill himself. The reason is that i suffer from different kind of pathologies but mainly i suffer costant migraines that last the whole day. I basically tried everything and i want to die.

The problem is that as a european i cannot get a shotgun.
So the first two methods of suicide that came to my mind are: partial suspension and cutting the wrist's veins.
Also, throwing myself off a building but my little town does not have public high places (i also cannot drive) and my building is not enough high to grant me sure death.

The problem is that regarding the previous two methods i don't think i am enough kwoledgeble to assure me that i will do it correctly ( if you have any tips or guides please share), but most importantly i live in a home with a lot of people that is never empty. My mother especially is paranoid, and always checks on me even at thee slightest sound (i'm not kidding). Basically, i think i am incled to cut my veins but firstly i'm not sure that i'm capable of doing it correctly and also i'm not sure i will be able to do it silently (i read that if done correctly will cause death in a minute and half, is that true?). I' also veery scared at the fact that anyone that tried says that is eetremely painful and i think it also doesn't have a high success rate. partial suspension should be better, but i kno for sure that it causes muscular spasms and that would allert my family. Also, i'm not sure i have a point where to secure the rope.

If any of you have any tips, guides or even better an alternative way of suicide, please share, i cannot take in anymore. Thank you.

Btw, i also thought to enter some random building i'm pretty sure i cannot get to the roof, and i am also very scared if someone would ask me what i was doing there (i obviousl have very bad social anxiety):
R: 6 / I: 1
I seriously don't like my life or who i am as a person, i'd like to be someone else
My life is all fucked up, someone said the worst thing in your life is you, i figure they're right.
R: 6 / I: 0

Killing myself

Hello there, as the title implies I'm thinking of killing myself. I've been going back and forth on how to do it, either by a gunshot to the head or the helium exit bag strategy. I was wondering what caliber of a bullet would do the job. I was reading to stay away from ammo that doesn't mushroom, like FMJ. For the gun I'm going to go with a pistol of some kind, would a glock do the trick? My second question is about the helium exit bag method. I'm 6'5 208lbs, how much gas would I need to have a successful outcome?
R: 1 / I: 0

I AM A SOULLESS BEING!

I wake up. take adhd drugs. try to complete the courses for a degree I should have finish years ago. get bored and then just masyurbate to porn because it is the only thing that makes me feel good.

I banned myself from the hobby playing games to focus on college, but that barely required effort.
R: 308 / I: 37

Suicide General ll: Overdose edition

How easy would it be to overdose on fentanyl or carfentanyl?

                                                   
R: 34 / I: 2

Feelings of disconnect and sadness

I’ve felt disconnected from this world for the longest time now, thinking we were just living in this life for nothing and then that’s it, however I had a friend who was Christian and stressed that suicide was a coward action because god will see how pathetic you were on ur judgment day. Now I’m afraid to die, or do drugs because of this underlying fear that what if something bigger is up there. I’m not religious but he said we all have a chance at heaven if we try right now and I just don’t know what to believe at this point.
R: 19 / I: 3

Memories

Tell me your best memory, or the most emotional feeling you get in your life
R: 59 / I: 4
How are you supposed to cope with mental anguish if you're friendless?
I'm a complete hermit socially and whenever I'm down I just fall into a negative spiral. I don't really believe in therapy either so that's a dead-end for me too.
R: 35 / I: 2
why do i dream about things that will never happen? im 26 years old. sometimes i imagine myself as a great football player or living a completely different life at 18. you know, silly dreams. i know it will never happen but im just dreaming. i can dream for hours during the day. that makes me happy. i can stare blankly at the wall for hours and daydream. dreaming makes me happy, but when i return to the real world it hurts me. im wasting my time and i can't focus on anything. different scenarios are running through my mind all the time. im mentally ill?
R: 15 / I: 1

Education + Education failure and study gaps

So,some good amount of years passed,I failed some IGCSE(edexcel) examinations in the past but many of my peers have surpassed me and this makes me very depressed as well as my parents has been telling me that,they will kick me out of the house.

what should I do?
R: 14 / I: 2

Psychotic Depression

Thread for psychotic depression and other psychotic disorders

Had depression for most of my life since elementary, turned psychotic about a year ago. Spiders, voices, etc. Lost all of people I talked to because of it. However the psychosis went away sometime last year, maybe November.

As of late, have had major emotional problems that lead to fantasies of self mutilation. Keep getting worse every day and now hallucinations are occurring and emotions are array. Feelings of derealization and extreme worthlessness. Afraid that I might go into a deep psychosis. It all started with being a bit emotional since 2 months ago and now it's ending up with this.

If anyone else has had psychosis before or thinks they may be slipping into it as well, then post here

Meds are Risperidone, Lexapro and Gabapentin.
R: 106 / I: 6

Terrified of hell

For a lot of people, the reason they didn't kill themselves yet, is because of family. They are scared that their parents will find their dead body. But that is not the case for me. You know if that will happen with me, then I will for a fact my mother would most likely try to kill herself, because she only has me. And yet she doesn't treat me well for a person that is supposed to love me that much. Anyways, I am not afraid of that, I am afraid of hell. Because it really doesn't matter what religion anyone is, no religion permits someone to take their life. In my case I would say I am somewhat of a christian, but I'm not sure anymore. But hell is just terrifying, I wish I could be an atheist and just kill myself, but I simply can't. Something in head is stopping me from just simply not believing. So my question is, if anyone here had these types of thoughts before like me?
R: 121 / I: 1
I am killing myself within the next month

How can I ensure that I will go to heaven when I die? I haven't been to church since childhood and I am a bad person.
R: 13 / I: 0

Shame of being a neet

I have been a neet for a few years post college due to jobs falling through and being a undiagnosed sperg at the time I lost it. I am trying to reintegrate into society. The problem lies in people's perception of me being a neet I am looked at like a piece of shit on their shoe discreded for just having had a bad time. Why are we not all allowed some time out ? I am trying to get back into social circles and hobbies but it's laterally fucking impossible if you don't lie. i really don't want to keep talking to people as my main source of friendship it is limited what should I do / thoughts ?
R: 10 / I: 4
Hell exists and we're already living in it. Our universe already permits unlimited suffering through the propagation of life.

As for life after your life in this hell, there is none. Death is the escape from this hell world.

Life itself is the propagator of hell. Without life, there is no hell. Once your destroy the brain and the evolutionary process, hell ceases to exist.

Hell, pain and suffering, are natural phenomenon associated with the process of the evolution of life, as those who experienced pain and suffering were the ones who survived and reproduced, therefore furthering the process of biological evolution and hell.

Destroy life and you destroy hell. All manifestations of hell are all projections of the suffering and pain already found in our own universe, our own hell. Combine all the suffering on Earth and within the universe and you have the equivalent suffering of one person burning in hell for eternity.

Maybe the universe is eternal and all life, suffering and pain is eternal as well. Could this not be defined as hell?
R: 33 / I: 0

Coping with suicidal thoughts and OCD 24/7

Every single day I wake up and want to die, the only reason im alive is solely to appease my parents. I have 0 reason to be alive, I dont enjoy anything whatsoever, I literally live to distract myself. Whenever I do anything like watch anime I get intrusive thoughts, basically I just live with these fucking thoughts 24/7, these thoughts make me miserable, and I have to reassure myself over and over again to give myself temporary release. Near the height of my depression I developed delusions that my brain was being experimented on my agencys like an idiot. If my parents were dead I think I'd just shoot myself in the head, im tired of waking up. There is barely anything in my life that brings me joy. And to make matters worse I've only just begun my adult life, im 19 and in university and my life is unbearable, each time I walk around I just feel like jumping off the ledge to my death. It was as bad as it was when I was isolated at home browsing r9k and blackpill fourms. I dont even fit in r9k, its mostly just normalfags there. Soon im going to see a psychiatrist to get an ssri, last time I took one it didnt help but I had significant anxiety back then and had stomach aches all the time, while now Im a bit calmer so hopefully they will help me get rid of the thoughts. I cant believe I have to endure another 10 - 20 years of this FUCKING LIFE. I just cant cope anymore.
R: 34 / I: 7

Rambling

I'm just so tired of it all. All the politics, all the insanity, all the soulless people, all the puppeteers moving everyone's string and feeling like I'm the only sane person around me. The worst is how I envy the puppets, they seem so happy and carefree, while I suffer in silence, slowly being consumed. I want to die, yet I'm too weak to do the job myself. I'm a hopeless romantic, and yet I am a ghost, invisible to those around. Even online, where I should be among others like me, I'm alone and cast away from the groups. I'm """good looking""", yet only see my rotten remains. It angers me so much how crab types are usually right, I want them to be mentally ill nutjobs, to not take their outlandish convictions seriously. It feels like I was specifically cursed from birth to have this shadow over me as punishment or simply to entertain whatever or whoever casted it. I'm hardly a religious nor spiritual man but I can't help but *feel* it. I try to improve myself, take my meds and go to my therapy. It only dulls the pain, the sickness is still there. Beside, I find it more and more difficult to keep going when I'm broken beyond repair. Why waste everyone's time when the outcome will be the same? The worst of it all, is how deep down, I know it's all my fault.

you can ask me anything.
R: 9 / I: 1
Anyone feels like they experience a kind of loneliness different from the kind we are used to think of? It's a type of loneliness that no person can ease; in fact, people deepen the feeling even further. I have felt like this my entire life. I have come to the conclusion that this occurs because of a deeper sense of reality (not that I'm enlightened or anything like that), realizing that every person you meet, including yourself, is just another face of the same thing, the Thing we all are and everything is. I want to meet someone that is not of this reality, not made of this substance we share. I tried religion, but all gods are human, sometimes even more human than I am; I don't really have such strong human emotions as most gods. Perhaps the only way to kill this feeling is by dying; is to abandon our individual face and becoming the Thing. If there is no one else loneliness does not exist.
R: 36 / I: 2

Insanity and Isolation

Is anyone else growing insane because of total isolation? I don't even feel human anymore.I sleep away the days and stay up at nights. And i keep repeating. I don't even know anymore what to do. I haven't seen sunlight in long time. My mind feels so broken. I am so tired
R: 308 / I: 26

Wageslave General

getting older and tired edition

previous >>251348
R: 5 / I: 1

Esoteric subjects to evade reality

Hi
This is not a real depression thread
This is rather a question I have, and given the person I am, and the environment I live in, I find no other place to ask such questions. Not even in 4chan which is raided now by plebbit refugees and IQ faggots. Anyway, I would like to ask you if it happens for anyone to know a place where things out of this world can be learnt, but kept as dark secrets. When I talk about place, I don't mean online ressources. But actual mages/teachers/hermits/anchorites etc that could have some knowledge hidden from the world.
I know it feels like an NPC question who watched some films about tibetan monks or some western glorification of Inca mages. But it really is not.
I am not the superstitious kind at all, I am actually a math graduate student, not to brag, but to sincerely say that I am not really into esoteric, non-existent magical stuff. It's just the excessive realism of the world that cripples me and makes me genuinely depressed every moment I touch something whose physical properties are nothing out of the ordinary.
Thank you for all your suggestions. You can help an old man like me who's about to die to discover a new meaning about his life.
R: 58 / I: 2

Bad Childhood

So many people on Wizardchan had a happy childhood, and often compose posts wishing to go back to the "simpler times" when they weren't waging n slaving. Anywiz here that's never had a happy moment in their life? Cuz this thread's for you.
R: 26 / I: 2

why am I not allowed to post Pepes?

21y old here. Missing being able to be alone and playing minecraft capture the flag all day without craving any social interaction. Now feeling like Ill turn into an attention whore. Why is this happening to me? Is it the demonic meds or is this normal with age? Atleast I dont crave succubi but Im feeling very lonely right now. I want friends who can understand me but Im a schizophrenic quiet weirdo with no social skills.
Throw me all your black pills fellow wizs. What will happen to me in 9 more years of virginity?
R: 21 / I: 1

The Only Thing Normalfags Will Ever Interact With You For is Their Own Benefit

So be cruel to them, never fucking help them. I'm so fucking tired of normalfags trying to use me as a resource. The only thing I will ever give them now is my raw contempt.
R: 11 / I: 0

Drugs

I’m genuinely extremely surprised I went as far as I did “straight edge” the point of considering becoming an hero before even considering touching narcotics for the first time, not even weed or hash.
I suppose I might have arrogantly thought that my issues would overshadow the effect of the drugs as I’m fully aware thoughout the experience that no problem is actually being solved in my life and that I because of that would not enjoy it.
I were very wrong. While I of course know with every fiber of my being that it’s not “real” that feeling of everything being alright and like a load lifted off my shoulders for the first time in a decade was unlike anything else. I can see how people could end up like crack whores or heroin junkies now.
Any other wizards chocked by how long they went straight edge? What made you turn away from that? How was your experience like and what did you do?
R: 7 / I: 0

Chronic Pain Thread

A thread for those experiencing chronic everyday pain, what is it like, how do you feel, and how have you come to accept the innate suffering of being alive?


I am 25 years old, working a part time warehouse job, not heavy lifting just very repetitive crouching/squatting, A year ago, one day I suddenly with no warning began to feel a pressure that would build in my upper back between my shoulder blades, not particularly painful, but very tense and stiff in my muscles, noticeable and very uncomfortable. No amount of stretching alleviates it once I start work and moving my body. I am in agony every single day.

5pm-6pm I work cautiously, fearing the pain I will for certain endure in the coming hours all the whilst feeling the slight muscle stiffness that indicates the pain is just coming.

6pm-7pm The pain is in the mid-phase, at this moment I am trying everything I can think of to alleviate it, I change the pace of my walking in hopes that going slower will lessen the stress on my back, I walk and move more rapidly, more loosely in hopes that I can push through and ignore the pain through sheer concentration on my work foremost. I alter the different methods I use to bend down: squats, lunges, going on one knee, bending sideways. Nothing works for long and anything I do for too long just makes the pain flare up.

7pm-8pm, My mind goes to the time, If I can just get to 8pm I think to myself I only have to endure one more hour, at this point I can't do anything about the pain in my spine and all over my back now, I must endure it whatever level it has reached now, no matter what I have done successfully or not to mitigate it via my movements.

8pm-9pm finish, starting from 8pm I must use some sort of pain relief, deep heat only lasts for an hour at the very best, I save using painkillers for only the worst times. I do not want to make it a habit of taking them too frequently for fear they will lose effectiveness when I really need it as well as the fear that by not being able to actually feel the pain I'll be doing more damage to my body without realising it. 9pm finally comes, although my work constantly asks for overtime, I make it known I cannot do it. How long they will accept my broken and decaying body is uncertain, I used to be the best worker they had, the fastest, most reliable for overtime. Now I am useless, The flame that burns twice as bright lasts only half as long.


I go home, my back pain eases off, I try to exercise as I have been doing so often but see no change. I do not pursue any of my hobbies, I do not play any games, or enjoy what contentedness I once had with my life. I have dropped them all and being in pain is now my only past time interspersed with bouts of mental exhaustion. All I think about is centered on the pain, wishing I could die, worrying about my job, reminiscing on the time when I had never in my life experienced any kind of health problem only 1 year prior, considering the concept of entropy, that all things move towards chaos, towards decay. I feel like I am living in true hell, in pain every day, every day desperately grasping for some measure of temporary relief before it slips out of my grasp the next day. In one moment I am in pain wishing to die, the next It is absent but I have no motivation to do anything but wait for the next day of pain to come.
R: 28 / I: 0

How long can that last?

If you know anything about the next generation and there similarity to ours you’ll know most of them aren’t having anywhere near as much sex drugs and whatever the fuck boomer highschool movies show teens doing.
In real life your seeing teenagers with jobs, spending all their time either labouring or studying for entrance exams more and more than the grade after them had to while admission averages tend to inflate as time passes more and more since they get more desperate for a chance at not being homeless. And that’s just the beginning then you gotta put up with the cost of well every nonconsumer thing, like health insurance housing utilities you get the fucking point that can cost like fucking 92k if your in a developed country everywhere else it’s even more expensive.

What you get is a generation of obviously overstressed teenagers that barely understand how sex works or anything about life in general piling up more and more grades, degrees, internships, taking on whatever jobs they can find and saving whatever they can pointlessly before it’s all anihillated by whatever new stupid and likely self inflicted economic crisis decides to hit or simple shit like inflation and then it doesn’t become a surprise to anyone why constant reports of mass freak outs, workers finally realizing how disposable they actually are and resigning in mass and millions of reported stress based deaths and injuries keep rolling out every year. When’s the breaking point in such a planet gonna hit and finally kill such on obviously parasitic cycle, ffs your hearing countries like Japan China and the USA try forcing population increases but not fix the way they treat both their experienced and their newest generations and unsurprisingly their economies start eroding more and more yet no one in charge gives enough of a shit to do something that involves actual change
R: 274 / I: 19

Does anyoen else feel old online or out of touch?

I had always felt like an other online but it wasn't until 2017+ and especially the past two years I feel old online.

It seems as if my fellow netizens all vanished and everyone is a teenager or talks like one. I do not socialize but when viewing comments on youtube or on other websites including sadly here I will notice strange use of language that is similar to baby babbling and doesn ot express more than a single idea.
>finna mad cap
For example is repeatedly posted on the interweb and I do not understand what any of it means.

I am unsure if age is entirely a factor and it could be the isolation that causes this feeling of being out of touch because I have stumbled across older people talking on reddit getting along fine.

People do not seem to want to have discussions anymore online and instead post a meme or use a few words to express themselves.

I cannot be the only one who is experiencing this phenomenon.
I think social media is the cause because a lot of us have been terminally online for decade(s).
R: 147 / I: 4

I never thought I’d be here again

I didn’t think crabdom or what you see about guys like me in the media was actually accurate or could exist. I just thought I was slow or something compared to most normal adults around me only to come to the realization that I’m lonely, boring as shit and would be considered mentally I’ll by the average person and afraid of sex.

I feel like a failure at everything, I still don’t have a liscense despite how much I fucking despise driving due to the amount of retards on the road, I’m still unemployed and the only thing I have left is some random degree while my family is gone to god knows where and I live by myself. I’m fucking terrible
R: 58 / I: 9

Uncaring, unfeeling, cold

I was thinking maybe the reason why I feel so miserable all the time is actually because everybody else seems so cold, detached, unfeeling. Automatons. Sometimes even passive-aggressive, or antagonistic.
Maybe I just never grew up, and I could never deal with the fact that "life is unfair" and other people are naturally not going to care about you anymore. I can always change myself (little by little I'm trying) but I can never change other people or the world around me. Am I just delusional? Is it all in my head? I can't find any peace.
R: 315 / I: 42

Depression Crawl Thread XXXII - Someone Had to Make It Edition

Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.
R: 25 / I: 1

Suicide tourism

I want to die but I don't have the courage to do it

Sometimes I think about buying a one way ticket to sweden and getting euthanized. I could go through with it if it was painless and like going to sleep.
R: 22 / I: 1

How to access the darknet markets ?

I can't find any information on sites that list other serious markets for interesting things. How am I supposed to find the .onion of interesting sites?
R: 23 / I: 5

Hell

I was recently watching some orthodox jew on youtube, and he was saying that I am going to end in hell. Is hell real? Is anybody else scared of going to hell? What can I do to make sure that i will not end there?
R: 41 / I: 3

TINNITUS

Now that I have tinnitus, I hear a static hum in my ears at all times; unless there is an obviously loud noise masking it. Life has become worse than I even could have imagined, and that's saying a lot.

Having tinnitus is like being reduced to animal intellect, because I can't simply sit in quiet contemplation or even enjoy laying in bed in the morning. In silence, it grows almost unbearably loud.

My only hope is that my brain is able to get used to it but this takes years. Is anyone else dealing with this?
R: 53 / I: 4

Barely Functional

I've heard throughout all my life that I was a smart kid and I've a lot of potential. Looking in retrospective, this was only a pleasant way to say that I was different from the rest. I always stood out not for good reasons.

I absolutely can't read people or hide my emotions, in conversations that becomes clear in a few minutes. I can't clearly identify when a person is joking or being honest or acting in bad faith. After a person meets me doesn't takes too long until their respect for me is gone.

But I'm no intellectual either, I can't handle too much information, learn fast or show an unique perspective, my opinions are the things I consume on the internet slightly altered. I dropped high school for the fear of failing and I am severely afraid of testing my knowledge or writing texts (Please, indicate me about any of the eventual grammatical mistakes I'll definitely make in this post).

I feel below the average person, no matter what activity I'll always lag behind.

Maybe, I'm just a slow person who spent too much time on the computer.
R: 188 / I: 16

Why do I hate women?

Not all succubi of course like my mom and shit like that, but recently I have been filled with rage at just the sight of a female. I think it's because succubi are inherently valuable to society. The truth is they offer so much by just existing (breast, ability to have kids ect.) Men are expendable. I feel I try so hard to be accepted by society but I have been discarded. I see these succubi getting love and appreciation by just existing and i'm filled with jealousy. I want to murder them but i don't know why.
R: 38 / I: 0

how do i get rid of my social anxiety once and for all?

before i begin i am going to preface this post with the fact that evil psychopathic normalniggers are 100% to blame for my anxiety, and without their bullying and negative reinforcement my mind would be in a good place. i will never let anyone gaslight me and convince me otherwise.

i used to be almost unable to talk to people at all a few years ago. i was basically mute and avoided all social situations. it was miserable and debilitating. i made a lot of changes in my mindset and my way of thinking because i realized this was holding me back from having a good life. now it is a lot more bearable, and i am able to do things like go outside, go up to the counter or cash register and buy things, respond to people when spoken to, make eye contact. but i still have a lot of intrusive thoughts and it is a bitch. how do i make them go away? and no im not going to therapy or taking jewpills, what a waste of money lmao.
R: 10 / I: 0

The Destruction of the Suspension of Disbelief

I titled this post after the origin of my first trauma when I was 16. It also describes what I believe to be a 'shared trauma'. The destruction of the suspension of disbelief in more understandable terms could be synonymous with the destruction of delusion, perhaps when a Christian finally discovers the absence of God, or when a child is told that Santa doesn't exist. Another example might be when a movie-lover stumbles upon behind-the-scenes tapes of his favorite movie, and having all of his beloved content alas shown for it's artifice. For some reason this type of trauma was very poignant for me personally. This destruction of the suspension of disbelief was also the origin of my pathology. Here I was riddled with depression, and was subsequently bed-ridden for a period I am tentative in admitting. This pathology led me to substance abuse. I developed a fixation with abusing over the counter cough medicine. Surprising to most mind's is the substance's ability to produce euphoria and a psychedelic high to rival the likes of LSD or psilocybin mushrooms (even though I had never abused these). I have also suffered the tribulations of a vagabond. Within the years of homelessness, I grew a misanthropy to rival that of some of the greatest tyrants in history. Here I came to study the lives of communist and fascist leaders. After a while I concluded that fascism failed as an ideology (seeing as leaders like Mussolini and Hitler both loss their wars), and those that followed it's dogma failed as well. I believed that as a communist I would be able to subvert this society that is so thoroughly riddled with barely sentient, mean, violent, perverted, and unempathetic people.

I will save you the effort of reading the rest of my biography as I don't have energy to make it compelling right now. But what I'm getting at is this: you can overcome your problems. The culture and people on websites like these really do want to enable your failure. Misery loves company, as they say. Actually do go read a book. And I'm not talking about just go read some random boring book in the library. Go read books about Hitler and find out why he fucked up. The average person will lead you astray and fill your head with stupid ideas. Do not listen to people. Do not listen to people. Do not listen to people.
R: 29 / I: 3

ww3 NOW!

I want nuclear warfare.

Because the world created for us is a prison. It's a huge cosmic joke, just look around you and ask yourself: is this worth striving for? Is this worth working all the hours god sends just to keep my head above the water for? Who is actually happy other a tiny minority that exploits everyone else?

I live in a society that censors me, hates me and demonizes me. I've been living under a political, financial and shapeshifting class of elites that traffick in children for pleasure, and use their blood and bodies to keep themselves artificially alive for longer.

My people are largely automatons, eschewing growth of the spirit and mind in favour of every unnatural pleasure they can dip their diseased privates into when they aren't working themselves to the bone for those evil vampires on top.

I can't be proud of what my ancestors achieved, of what they built and what they believed. I can't strive for the same. I can't utter my own thoughts for fear of going destitute.

I live under a parasitic psychopathic class. I will be singing my praises to God if I burn in nuclear fire. I will eat molten lead if it means they have to as well.
R: 34 / I: 8

Anime related memes about sexuality

Just got out of prison, how is it that I am the only one who likes anime but is still a virgin..

Cant even look for anime memes without running into horseshit like this..

Why does the world choose to leave me behind like this..

Anyone here relate by any wavelength?
R: 92 / I: 4

How do you deal with having no friends or zero social life?

I remember in my 20s I used to have friends I hung out with and had a decent social circle.Now at 30 years old I really have no one.If I didn't live with family I would be completely alone.Life is tough living like this.
R: 17 / I: 0
You know what the most disheartening realization of all is? that no matter how hard you try, how many old games, movies, shows or old "culture" you immerse yourself in, the feeling of inner warmth, of inner security you used to have in the 90's will never come back. It's gone forever, along with that society that made you feel secure and hopeful for the future, that our lovely boomers strived so hard to decimate. Ever since 9/11/2001, if you've lived long enough to tell the difference between then and now and you're not some zoomer, you've felt like something was gone and not quite right. No, it's not some weird disease, that discomfort is something every person has felt at some point or another but they just can't pinpoint why they have it. Well, it's obvious why; our society is destroyed beyond recovery, you can see it everywhere you go. Corruption ridden people everywhere, people are only motivated by fetishes, the desire of feeling their bodies with food or of satisfying addictions, since they feel empty and desperate inside. You see it even by not even leaving your house. Remember fansites? that long gone time when the internet wasn't corporate or run by private companies and filled to the brim with spyware, tracking services, paywalls and although fansites were festering with inaccurate information sometimes, you could feel that the people behind them were passionate about the topics they wrote about. They enjoyed what they were doing and weren't motivated by economic gain, like nowadays that people even make Patreon accounts to sell their own drawings. I think I made my point. This society needs to collapse and the sooner it happens, the better.
R: 3 / I: 1

Parents nagging

So I've been a neet for a while and it's all fine and dandy, until my mom mentions that I'm doing nothing. I don't know what to answer.

It's just a matter of time until she lashes out on me. I highly doubt she'll ever kick me out but whenever she nags I feel anxious and my day kinda gets ruined.

I suffer from pretty bad depression/anxiety and I don't feel like I can hold down a job, at least for a reasonable amount of time. I can't move either because rent is just impossibly high.
R: 52 / I: 5

Shit life, shit situations...

Hello wizards, 29 y/o apprentice here. I've been meaning to write here from time to time but never got myself enough will to do it. I've never had proper friends before, childhood, teenager times and even university memories does nothing but give me bad memories of how things ended with people. On the other hand I got to talk people online but even then I am rather sick and tired of making the first move. It's either people are busy with their lives or don't care. It's almost as if there is something prevents others to talk with me for a change. I try my best to keep autism away but nothing ever changes. And this alone drives me crazy.
Aside from that I'm already depressed and been taking antidepressants since 2017. I live in a shit country, my parents, especially my mother gives us hell at home. I've graduated from translation but I can't get to work at where I live thanks to being a shit country and shitty conditions. I'm being pressured to do things as I have no drive to do anything. Call me lazy but I usually have no will to do anything at all. I want to learn about drawing and 3D modelling and hell even study Japanese so that at least I'd get more chances but I never got myself worked up to make an effort to learn those. If I manage to do it, I can't keep up more than 3 days and I immediately lose interest and roll back to square one. Clock is ticking and the only thing I want is killing myself, but then again I'm too afraid and too lazy to do it. What should I do?
R: 2 / I: 0

Happy with being a Virgin

it's possible? after many rejection from succubus i realized that I don't need a succubus to be happy with my life i prefer to focus my life in other things like my hobbies or have more knowledge can a Wizard obtain a pleasant life without the need for sex? i know it will be a hard life but it takes discipline to overcome our instincts I plan to cut myself from society and interact with Normies and succubus as little as possible to avoid headaches i will also avoid watching porn and fapping to avoid the pain of what can not have I aspire to become an asexual individual being completely free of pain and self sufficient
R: 19 / I: 1

Being a Neet being looked down on

Been a Neet for a few years completely lost it post college i end up jumping between online social groups on discord only to be looked down on by wagies in neet servers. What is the point anons
R: 15 / I: 2
In proper agony, had to smoke laced pot for tooth disintegrated, cluster headache full on, spiked drinks with bromo are getting placed, dad getting jiggy with every transgression and toke, I'm getting fat due to the psychiatric industry, dumb too, I just puff and booze and take it mate, death is no better, I can't figure out how to fix this, I hate myself and this pointless existence, not even a damn ward could fix this bullshit shit bomb life I got going, they tried, fuck my life, fuck normal faggots, fuck the nsa for not surveillancing correctly, fuck my family, had it with this gay ass bullshit

Pic is my loud
R: 54 / I: 5

Im ready

Killing myself this holy week (next week)
By the sallekhana way(starving myself) in hopes of not getting rebirth.
Going to the top of a mountain with a backpack with my favorite items.
Planned to do it on Halloween before, but I cannot wait and holy week seems like the perfect date too.
Ill meditate while doing it, hope of getting Jesus or buddhahood.

Why am I doing this?
Olanzapine ruined my life by making me unable to get joy from the activities I used to love (videogames and anime) its been like 2 years on meds, and they say your brain is permanently damaged with the use of it even if you discontinue them (no hope already)
Killing myselfe because Im also a brainlet, I dont have the intelligence to have a job in coding, no talent to have one in art, I have social anxiety so I cant be psychologist too. And I dont want to be a wageslave, I have too much fatigue to work in something like that. I was born with a rich parent, lived a rich life so I wont be able to appreciate a poor life.
Im excited for the afterlife
Wish me luck anons
R: 17 / I: 1
How do you cope with being unwanted trash?
Getting told to go away all the time, by everyone in a subtle or unsubtle way, when everyone wants you to fuck off when you can talk to no one because everyone just wants you to go away.
Even if it sounds really pathetic it fucking hurts I wish I could stop thinking about other people
R: 22 / I: 2
Why can't I enjoy games anymore? Before I quit smoking weed I put over 200 hours on Stardew Valley in less than 2 weeks. Now I've been sober for about the same amount of time and all I want to do is watch youtube videos and refresh wizch.

When I try to even load a game I feel overwhelmingly, crushingly bored as soon as I start playing. The ironic thing is, part of the reason I quit smoking was so I wouldn't constantly forget things and fuck up playing games. It's like no matter what I do I'm damned to be miserable and dissatisfied.
R: 24 / I: 3
I do not deserve the gift of live for I have wasted mine, a freak empty worthless garbage the world would be better off without me certainly.
People look at me when I walk by and no one wants me in their presence, I have been alone for so long I have unlearned human interaction.
Im sorry that this thread is meaningless but I feel bad about my life and I dont know what more to say I was doomed from birth I guess
R: 10 / I: 2
What can i do? I'm autistic homosexual that got bullied by everyone around me
I've always been an extremely shy and awkward child. I never dared to speak up or complain. One time in kindergarten a boy tried to drown me and i didn't even struggle out of politeness.
Does anyone have any advice on how to get over this 'judging' fear, or how to manage it? I know that the first step would probably be to just show something, but my anxiety flat out won't let me. How do I get over this extreme fear of drawing attention towards myself?
R: 10 / I: 0

Is Lorazepam addictive?

My med said me to take 1mg per day but I take 5 or 6 to be high and when I don't have pills anymore alcohol help me
I can't sleep without this but i'm affraid of being addict
Could you help me guys?
R: 5 / I: 1

Poison

With wich simple ingrediants can i create a good poison?
Not necesseraly to kill me but at least make me go to hospital
R: 38 / I: 1

Brain Decay

I think that I have suffered some kind of brain damage over the recent years, possibly due to depression/isolation, drug abuse, gas or lead poisoning, or head trauma, or some mix of these. My evidence is as follows:
>I have a much shorter attention span than I used to have, struggling to pay attention to movies or read books
>My performance in online games has decreased significantly. I can't win a game of league of legends to save my life, even playing at ranks far below what I used to play at.
>My taste has gotten worse. I used to enjoy watching art films and documentaries, and reading literature. Now I don't really enjoy these things, when I can force myself to pay attention and watch/read, I don't have much connection with it.
>I am much less funny. I used to be able to come up with jokes or replies to things that would create responses online or make people laugh in conversation. Now my mind is a complete blank and I have nothing to say.
>General increase in "brain fog" and lack of focus

Can anyone relate to this kind of decline as getting older? I remember seeing a study posted here a while ago that said depression/lonliness causes significant loss of brain function. I really think I am getting dumber rapidly.
R: 42 / I: 6

Why isn't everybody depressed?

Whenever I go outside and see all the wretches that inhabit my country, I don't understand how they can't despise themselves and hate every second of their miserable existence. Fat people, dopers, poor people, ugly people, old timers who are too stubborn to die. I just hate them all. Why do they have to take up my fucking space? The world would be so much more pleasing to look at if we could just purge all these subhumans. Why aren't they all depressed and on the verge of suicide? Why do they even bother living?

Very few people are gifted enough to be happy. Attractive people, rich people, most succubi. You would have to be trying to be depressed if you are one of those people. And I hate them too out of envy. Because the world isn't fair and I can't have it like them even when I'm trying.

I have heard love solves everything, like romeo and juliet and shit. "Lascivious grace, in whom all ill well shows, kill me with spites, for we must not be foes". This pretty much sums up the simp mentality of every guy in a relationshit. i always see people get strung along and provide for ungrateful directionless people. Every wrong of theirs they will right, everything they need will be done, everything they want they will get. It seems like slavery to me. Even like being a father. Fuck that shit. I don't want to wageslave for years to save up enough money to give to a daughter who will grow up to be a worthless two faced slut.
I hate people. I hate society. I for one welcome Russia to nuke the shit out of my shithole. Just put us out of our misery please.
R: 314 / I: 32

Depression Crawl Thread XXXI

Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.
R: 6 / I: 0

Have to move out but can't

I live in 1 room with my parents for nearly 26 years. 2 rooms for 5 people…It is impossible to do anything normally here. There is constant noise, and lack of space. It is hard to hear anything or even think. Even the best headphones in the world aren't enough to mute it. Living like this is hell. I can't stand it anymore, but I can't move out. Even after taking xanax i couldn't force myself to meet a person renting the place. And I only had to walk 100 meters.
When I'm at a shop, my hands shake so much I can barely input my pin code. I don't know how to get out of bed and do basic chores. I'm gonna lose it one of these days and jump out the window or try to kill my parents. This situation is hopeless, even if i stay here, in a few years maximum my parents will die from illness or old age. I feel sick.
I tried 80-90% of all psychiatric drugs, spent months at a mental hospital, and it is impossible to help me. With therapy, you have to do things which I can't do because of living where I am. And so, I have exhausted my options. As time passes, everything worsens and i'm slipping into insanity.
R: 16 / I: 1

Coping with intrusive thoughts

Anyone here have intrusive thoughts? They were really bad for me for a while but I have coped my way through them. I've basically come to realize life is just about chasing dopamine. Normalfags chase dopamine by pursuing relationships, sex, drugs, etc. Wizards chase dopamine through playing vidya, watching anime, masturbating or reading. After realizing that, I knew that my life wasnt necessarily much worse then a normalfags, we are both chasing after dopamine but in diffrent ways. The problem is I dwelled on "blackpill" and manosphere topics for a long time this lead to a lot of intrusive thoughts unfortunetly, but as I said before a lot of those have gone. My newest one is whenever I watch an anime I hear the voices of womens I feel like shit since I hate succubi, I hate the voices of them. How do wizards here deal with intrusive thoughts.
R: 12 / I: 0

your savior

i applied to become a police officer because it sounds more interesting than stackign shelves until im middle aged. they actually accepted me (i was rejected from bottom feeder jobs so this is weird) i live in a fairly quiet EU country too so its not like ill get shot on my first week. i had an interview over webcam and they were asking me questions like where do you go with your friends/partner ect. went out for walk too afterwards passing by all these normalfags in groups going to bars and hanging out. these are the last people id want to protect, in fact i fantasise about a cleansing (in minecraft) idk its my first real job now and i think its funny im doing this now. no where else to verbalize it
R: 20 / I: 4

Why does mainstream media fetishize highschool

It’s like fucking elementary type garbage. They still treat you like a child, you still do menial and easy as shit tasks for nearly all courses and by the time your done all that’s left is either homelessness or getting into post secondary, what’s the use value in promoting this period in human development ffs I don’t think anyone in my high school years did anything beyond mindlessly studying and avoiding relationships romantic and platonic simply because no had time for that shit
R: 27 / I: 2

Expecting too much out of careers?

https://mises.org/library/disutility-labor

Mises wrote about the "disutility of labor". The opposite of utility. Basically work is doing something you would rather not do in exchange for pay. If it were fun enough to do for free, there would be no need to pay you.

I guess this is just Economics 101 or Life 101, but I had a hard time accepting it for many years. I was looking for a career to be my meaning of life. My purpose. I had nothing to do on the weekend, so I lived for the week.

But looking back on it, its kind of absurd. I can't find happiness and fun for free. I can't even find it by paying money. But now I expect the boss to pay me, to give me meaning, purpose, joy, fun.

Or at the very least a job with no disutility. Like being a security guard that just reads, watches TV and plays vidya all day. Paid to be a hikki neet.

I guess you could say it makes me spoiled and priviledged. But I'm not a robot. Without any of my spiritual needs fulfilled, I can't just be a survival machine.

But I realize no career is ever going to satisfy me, because I'm demanding too much of it. I'm demanding they pay me, to give me purpose. And if I can't find that on the weekend for free, why the hell would I get paid for it?

My life is just empty, and I expect my career to fill that void. When really the best I can hope for is a fair exchange of work to profit. Work is where you make cash to buy joy and meaning on your own leisure time.

I expected a job to give me a meaning of life, which isn't fair to jobs, its just there to exchange cash for disutility