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/dep/ - Depression

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R: 81 / I: 11
Do you find it depressing or liberating that nothing we do will ever matter?
R: 13 / I: 1

"The problem is with you, anon"

After being rejected overwhelmingly in several situation thru life, I cannot still understand the real motive, and thinking objectively cannot reach any other conclusion than it being due how stupid normals are. I usted to feel a shame that got vanished thru years yet I feel still that some of it remains in the deep zones of my mind… The toxic idea of "the problem being yours, anon" brought by peer pressure only gets you wrecked while normgroids are just being psychotically mean. Like pulling through my mind an idea like a stab, as if attempting to make me even more miserable while the numbers against me are an undeniable proof of me being… whatever I be, which they see and I don't. Blaming me for their malignity, for the sake of killing my already lowered spirit.

As an easy example: after earning low karma enough at reddit, definitely I don't come but to conclude that such place is a toxic pit of bitter, self-deceiving cattle, they just gather there knowing that numbers will support them, even within subreddits that are supposedly far far away from normalidiocy.

Share thoughts.
R: 148 / I: 20

Depression Crawl Thread XLVI

Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.
R: 2 / I: 0

Long term illness

Has anyone else here suffered from uncurable long term physical and/or mental illness? How do you cope?

Ever since I was 11-12 and realizing how screwed I am I just completely gave up on everything. What was the point of even trying anything when I am ultimately always going to be unhappy and suffering? I just became extremely apathetic and depressed and I have never recovered. I'm currently kept semi-stable with lots of medication, but things still just suck and I'm apathetic as ever if I'm not using escapism tactics
R: 6 / I: 0

Is suicide the best answer

What is holding me back is I am religious person.
hoping for uncle jesus salvation .I don't know if suicide is what determines whether a person gains entrance into heaven. I tell myself some people did it and god forgave them. others waited for natural death in hope for god mercy yet they doomed in hell it's all god decision and all things are determined.
but for me Life is to fucking long and it seems i am going nowhere wethere i try or not. i just pass the time waiting for getting old and die natural death .
I'm in my 20's and feel like I'm in my 50's I'm tired of this shithole life I should of died in my 20's. People say life is short it's really not but time does fly by which is weird. The suffering of clinical depression and other health issues make life feel like a never ending nightmare.
Fuck you rigged life.
You've given me nothing but pain, fuck you.
R: 33 / I: 5

Suicide General IV: fantasizing

So, uh, state your best excuses to not suicide here. Seems like no one bothered to make a new thread
R: 7 / I: 0

Succubi have started me approaching me more this year. I feel miserable at new hieghts.

Because I am planning on moving out, my shit wagecuck job and life situations, I've been forced to interact with succubi on a daily basis. Because I started grooming myself and lifting more, I look very good now.

succubi see this handsome, fit, muscular dude not giving a fuck about anything. succubi approach me without me wanting to talk to them. Plus the other succubi I am forced to interact with, like my cunt christian succubus colleague who is younger than me and tries micromanaging me. Today I almost told her to shut the fuck up for 10 seconds. My own mother, I am forced to interact with her more on a daily basis. This succubus is permanently disrespecting and humiliating me, and verbally abusing me. I see my mother in all succubi too.

I hate succubi so much. I was much more at peace when I could go weeks without being around succubi.

>you sound like a faggot

Yes, I am half a faggot. Totally irrelevant.
R: 24 / I: 0
theres a lot of people on this site who hate their lives because they're trapped in dead end jobs or their family are literally abusive. if i were you guys i would meet up with some other wizards and survive as a homeless gang. i know it would be way too hard to do this alone. but i imagine if you were with other people you could make it work.

i dont live in america tho so i couldnt do shit even if i wanted to. but if you could get a plane ticket you could all meet up. better than killing yourselves.
R: 24 / I: 2

Tired all the fucking day

getting 10-12 hours of sleep, but still feel really tired all day,

I am absolutely exhausted all day, i find it hard to stay awake , all i want to do when i get up is sleep again.

Fuck this life.
R: 16 / I: 0
I applied for a computer science scholarship where they teach you everything and make you job-ready in 9 months. I got rejected because I'm too dumb or something like that, I just didn't pass the interviews.
I'm 30 years old have been working shit jobs that require no skill all my life.
Lately I just became too tired of being poor. All attempts at learning something by myself online have been a failure, I just quit or get bored after a month. And when I try to apply for something more academic I get rejected because I have no idea how to talk to people.
don't know whats the point
fuck this piss contest of a life
R: 26 / I: 0

Fapped to oblivion - help?

This situation causes me a lot of depression. Wonder if anyone here has experienced the same and can help.

Years ago when I was a neet and had infinite free time, I indulged in fapping like a psycho. Was doing it ridiculously often and was chasing the "high" of finding new stuff to fap to that didn't just "do the job" but excited me, which was getting progressively harder as my tastes have never really deviated much from things you'd find on mainstream sites, there were just very particular qualities I was looking for, and the "stock" of new material that hit the mark was dwindling fast. One day I woke up after a particularly excessive multi-fap prior day and was having trouble getting hard. Could only fap until I came with a limp dong. Started freaking out. I waited a few days without porn or jacking and then my cock was behaving well and was super hard for a while. Went back to business as usual and by a month later my dick was shit again.

Ever since it's been pretty mediocre, hit and miss, takes a while for me to finish and is often an annoying amount of effort.

Urologists can't find anything wrong so based on how it all started I'm guessing I've fried my brain's arousal centers with porn.

Problem is if I don't ejaculate before trying to sleep it's really fucking hard to get to sleep and stay asleep, because as part of the shitty habit formation with this stuff I started cooming before sleep daily.

I hate being in this fucking hole so much and wish I could just stop with porn and fapping completely but then my insomnia gets out of control.

Anyone been through this? Any advice? It's driving me fucking mad. Fapping was one of the few simple pleasures I had, being a super loser, and now it's just a miserable chore.
R: 49 / I: 7
My past hit me.
I denied one situation from my consciousness for a long time.
One situation from my childhood probably damaged my whole life.
Long time ago, when I was a teenager at school somebody aimed laser pointer at my eyes. My eyes hurt badly, so I went to eye doctor (but I went to eye doctor after one month, for one month I suffered a lot with my eyes, I felt so much pain almost all the time, because my mother and family told me that I m hypochondriac and everything will be fine and I dont need to see a doctor). But at least my mother sent me to eye doctor. Better late than never as they say.

My doctor showed me then picture of my two eyes and the picture showed that one eye is damaged very badly, while damage in second eye seemed to be much lesser in comparision to the second eye. Eye doctor assigned me medications and pills and thats all. My eyes stopped hurt and I felt better after taking medications. Homever, from that day one my head hurts in the back from time to time.

Homever thats not all. Laser pointers are very dangerous. Damage from laser pointer may be long time not visible. Your eyesight may be perfect, you may see not much effects, but in the future problems would appear (in worst case scenario you could be blind). Its basically uncurable, when your eyes are already damage. There's no cure.

What worries me the most is not that I may be blind in the future, what worries me most is that I dont know when I will be blind. I live in uncertainty. I wish I could at least know how long my eyesight will be good and when it would be over for me.

Therefore, even if you have a bad life, be glad that at least your health is good.
R: 68 / I: 8
Isn't all just so tiresome, the endless struggle for existence. Why is my existence such a burden, I don't even know what to do anymore. We just go onto imageboards just for stimuli, to absorb information for other reason then to distract ourselves from the fact that there is no meaning, we came here into the world from the will of another forced to suffer. The only solace I have is that I will no longer partake in the world, I will only be a passive observer, I will never be subservient to the will. It's just depressing that I am forced to partake in society, because my parents want me to be a wageslave. I wish I could just stay cramped up in my room all day, I hate going outside and seeing normalfags.
R: 33 / I: 2
How do I cope with being unable to fap for medical reasons while being a virgin and an extreme anti social person?
R: 57 / I: 9

Wageslave General

I just have to get through this week edition

                                
R: 23 / I: 1

Reasons to live

I don't have positive reasons to live. I only have negative reasons to live, that is reasons only to avoid things. The negative reasons are that I'd make my parents miserable if I offed myself, and that I'd possibly end up in hell or some similar shit place in the afterlife if there is an afterlife and a hell or similar. I don't pretend to know with confidence if there is or isn't an afterlife, but I've spent enough time on philosophy, religious studies, and afterlife research (such as it is) to know that the possibility hasn't been ruled out by any means.

Do you have any positive reasons to live? What are they? Any advice on how I can get some? Some background info that might be relevant is that I have a job that pays decently and is easy, so at that level my situation doesn't need much improvement, although I do worry about losing the job and becoming a poorfag almost daily; if I don't this job, I will not have even one thing going for me in my life, and I doubt I could ever get another even half as good.
R: 29 / I: 5
All my life at least since I was like 8 different people would pick on me for no reason or betray or abandon me. I never bothered anybody yet people would be hostile or bully me out of nowhere. Friends would stop talking to me or become hostile to me without explanation, or wouls it be enough for somebody to say something bad to one of said friends to become hostile to me after years. This continued in high school. I managed to have a sort of group of friends but the same thing happened. There was for example a guy who I was ok with him and outta nowhere he refused to greet me and would look at me making smug faces and outright started bothering me at recess one day. Later years people would be extremely harsh with me for stuff they would pass or ignore on other people. For example there was a succubus (she was a neo nazi and very fucked up in the head) who I was sorta friend for a year yet she became hyper hostile against me for a small comment I once made to her. To the point of reacting aggressively and never talking to me again and doing bad comments against me every once. This continued even in college. I even tried to confront politely friends who suddenly for no reason stopped talking to me and all I got was evasives or staring at me like a soulless npc or even aggressions.

Same thing in the street, if there's a beggar or my country's version of the jogger he'll come to bother me outta all the possible people. There were weaker and weirder people at school yet none of those were picked, ever. And the only time I fought back I was called a violent monster by succubus classmate (I only slapped the bully on his face. He once stomped 3 times the head of another classmate, yet I'm the violent…)

I tried everything, from being nice, to being "myself", I've thought it was a punishment from god or karma and accepted it for a while (which fucked me up mentally even more). Yet to this day I don't even understand why people are like this with me

For the record I'm average and almost always used to dress normal, with nothing strange. Nowadays I'm mostly a silent character and dress "aggressively" (like a bodyguard, with sunglasses and everything) and carry pepper spray, and weapons just in case and even tough people avoid me more, I can notice when some people take that same approach, like they want to be hostile with me for no reason but since I don't give them any reason to do so by being as irrelevant as possible, they like seethe and sometimes seem to try to provoke me with indirect words which I always ignore

While writting this I am remembering a lot of said incidents (I have very deep memory) and it saddens me even more.

Have any of you wizzies experienced this? How do you deal with it?
R: 62 / I: 6

shouting into the void wondering if anyone relates

To start with, I hate everyone, and I hate everything excluding fictional characters and fictional settings.
I used to have ambitions of creating my own fictional worlds, and it's hard to shake them away. I still sometimes have urges to write down my ideas and quotes I think sound fun.
But I stop myself because there is no reason to transcribe it. For what purpose should I materially manifest my artistic visions? So that Twitter freaks who clap their hands at babies being born blind and deaf, and 4chan manchildren who play Nintendo may pervert my ideas? People are pure evil retardation. I would derive zero enjoyment by amassing fame and acclaim from the seething retarded masses, or from having even one individual read any of my works. Their perceptions of my characters and concepts would be insulting and revolting. And, being that the ideas are already there in my own head, they have served me well and do not require any physicality beyond this. I see them fine, and the seething retarded masses are sustained by lesbian cartoons and video games for toddlers; they have no need for my additions to the media ecosystem.

When you look to fiction, we see layered and emotive personalities. Characters are articulate, passionate, sensitive creatures who go places and do amazing things.
Here in reality, even those who have the money to do anything they desire often lead lives not dissimilar to niggers living in squalor. Look towards the British Royal Family, Donald Trump, Bobby Kotick, Bill Gates. See how they do nothing but have sex and stare at the wall like a fucking retard, despite their wealth.
Regardless of class, place or race, the seething retarded masses have neither romance nor adventure in their lives. No glorious deaths or trials. No justice. No heroes. Just copes and lies. Many successful family men here in reality die and they've lived such an uneventful down's syndrome life that their own family members have nothing substantial to say about them during their funerals.

Any hope for a career for me is dead on arrival. My only interest in the material world is animals, and any work involving animals is befitting of a Satan imp. It has been this way, and will stay this way for eternity. Watch as everyone around you laughs at animal suffering. Watch the normalfag as he laughs himself to tears over "jokes" of hamsters being smashed with hammers. Detailed, morbid tales of mishaps during the butchering process at the farm are told through gasping laughter on podcasts that get millions of upvotes from the psychopaths I am forced to spend time with.

I am unable to leave the house in any capacity without being mentally tortured. Everywhere in all directions, the masses of seething retards are watching and waiting; hoping to either ambush you with down's syndrome humblebragging about the numerous ways they worship the black man, or to simply report you to the police for existing in their proximity. It is impossible to view any manmade place without being shoulder to shoulder with creepy ant people who vocally narrate to every stranger in the area about their latest bowel movement. I was lucky enough to visit Las Vegas at the peak of the COVID LARP when there were only maybe 20-40 people on the street in total, and the lack of down's syndrome has made it up to be one of the only happy memories in my lifetime.
R: 36 / I: 2

day in the life of a wizard

whats your days like? my days are starting to blend into nothingness so i wonder what everyone elses are like

>wake up random time

>contemplate why im still alive
>sit on computer for anywhere from 8-20 hours
>cycle between watching shows, youtube and browsing boards
>eat like shit all day at random times
>go to sleep randomly
>havent left the house since i moved here in march

what about you guys?
R: 14 / I: 1

Pessimism as a sign of high vitality

Do you think Nietzsche was right about this? I think there may be something to it. Normals are so fragile, especially succubi, they refuse to even consider bad scenarios and how horrible existence can be at times. It takes courage to contemplate negative thoughts and emotions. Pessimism is a sign of high vitality, of a brave spirit, of an ascetic soul who doesn't think feeling good all the time is necessarily desirable.
R: 12 / I: 0
I think I'm finally going to kill myself. what are the best methods for a painless suicide? I think normalfags put oxygen into helium tanks now to prevent suicides so that's kinda not an option. any better ideas?
R: 16 / I: 0
i hate that overeating and depression often goes hand in hand. i always resort to food to forget about my worries. tried so many times to substitute it with alcohol (did not like the taste) and cigarettes (allergic to its smoke) but nothing comes close to relieve me like junk food does. i know that i should have put on some massive weight due to this.
R: 0 / I: 0

Back on suicide

I am extremely angry. I had a psychiatric crisis in april, two weeks hospitalized. It took me a fuckton of harships to reach my current semi-stable state. I don't rely on parents for money or food.

Parents started arguing with me more about my newfound independence. For months the idea of suicide was non-existant in my head. Now it is back. I feel trapped and these two fucks that birthed me just make me more unhappy than needed. I can't just save money and move out, I am not stable or sane enough, the stress will make me snap and lose my job. My parents know I am severely mentally ill, they just choose to ignore it and talk to me as if I was a regular person.

I can't bear this pain anymore. Again, I've started dreading every single time I wake up. People hate me at work. Everyone hates me. My parents make sure I know I am a burden to them.

I am trying my best. I just want peace, I don't want anything else. Why is life so cruel? Yes it could be worse, it is getting worse.
R: 70 / I: 8

Natural born passivness and lack of assertivness?

I turned 28 years old this year. And feels hit me.
I hate my life. I hate my retarded upbringing. I hate my disabilities, which I was born with. I hate most of my memories. I hate people, who are similar to people that harmed me in the past. I hate my weak mentality.
But on the contrary, I m a weird person at the same time I feel lot of hatred towards humanity, but also I m emphatic guy with love inside.

In this world, in my situation I have 2 main enemies. Enemy inside of me and enemy outside. Enemy inside of my is my weak, passive mentality, which I was born with. Enemy outside are people who hate guys like me and who like to destroy person like me.
I cant change my mentality much, when I m already 28 years old.
My parents made many mistakes, when they breeded me. They teach me nothing useable. They taught me only useless and retarded stuff like:
>Always say good morning, when you see teacher, or some of my parents friends (that is retarded shit, they just wanted to make me polite). And polite men are just weaklings, who everyone makes fun of and they are never treated with seriousness
>They never taught me how to deal with bullies
>Never taught me that I should be assertive
>Never taught me anything, they just gave me food and shelter and forced me to go school, they didnt really care if I feel good at school, whether I get bullied, or not.
Some people should never have children. But at the same time I must say, even if parents are incompepetent, but child doesnt have dissabilities like me, he still has chances to be normal.
R: 4 / I: 1
Which sleeping pills do you recommend to suicide? And what dose? Thanks. I don't want to suffer
R: 37 / I: 3

Regrets over wasting life on useless Ch*mistry degree or any useless degree for that matter

I wish I studied STEM or IT instead, There's simply no jobs anymore for chemists out there. Take a look around, most people that call themselves 'chemists' haven't been able to hold on to a job for longer than 5-8 years. In fact, I bet most of the people I run into in the chemical industry have had 3, 4, or more jobs within the past decade. How can one ever expect to buy a house or be able to save for health insurance with that kind of job insecurity? The only thing this worthless degree in chemistry has gotten me are permatemp jobs with no benefits for $18/hr. I regret every single day of my life wasting time and money on this worthless chemistry degree. At this rate, it'll only take me the next 25 years between temp job after temp job to payoff all these student loans. I've done job search after job search and the only jobs out there are for A.)temps and B.) terribly mundane, boring, and low paying QC or method development work. There's a reason why there are so many listings for quality control/analysis/method development work–it's because people hate doing it and quit not long after starting which forces companies to constantly rehire.

For anyone who is reading this and has an interesting in the field, stay absolutely clear of chemistry and biology. It is a TERRIBLE career. There's never ending wave after wave of layoffs after companies get done their projects that fail after 5 years, more and more companies have moved to hiring people as low paid permatemps from the third world with no benefits, and there is literally no job security. If you truly love science that much, just be prepared to never be able to own a house or buy something nice every once in while because you will constantly be under the threat of job loss and may have to relocate at any time on a whim. would be better to have a back up plan–go to trade school, earn an accounting degree in parallel, or work for your state's police dept. etc. etc. Anything but trying to be a chemist is better. Believe me, if you try to delve into this crapfest you'll get to know the names like ManPower, Kelly Services, or Aerotek quite well as a permatemp.

Getting a PhD barely helped me either. I spent years and years slaving away doing worthless post doc after post doc for borderline poverty wages to have almost a slim to none chance at getting an academic position. A PhD in industry gets you almost no where these days also, I am simply be "too overqualified" for many positions.
R: 9 / I: 1

Anyone else have family like this?

>Family insults me for eating too much
>Also insults me for being too skinny
>I take care of their dogs and cats for 8 hours a day
>I clean their house, do their dishes every day
>They expect me to be neither seen nor heard
>They've threatened me with a shotgun, and to bury me in the backyard

Why. Why the fuck is it like this?
R: 23 / I: 0

Parents put me back on track to suicide

I am severely mentally ill. This is painful to write.

I got hospitalized this year. I survived a rough crisis. Things were rough those first months of leaving the hospital. I eventually managed to find stable employment, started taking the proper meds, stopped self-harm and heavy substance abuse.

My parents didn't like me being independent from them. I have severe BPD comorbid with severe depression (recurring, not episodic). A person that knows me can easily manipulate me through intentionally triggering me. I am permanently paranoid of everyone, everyone is always trying to harm me. My mom is crazy too, she only wants me to have an emotional bond with her and no one else. She intentionally triggers me when I stand my ground on what I should do with life. She keeps doing it every single day now.

This is painful and scary. This succubus physically abused me all my life, a strong beating every single week, for years. Then she got a grasp of my mental health problems. She punishes me by intentionally triggering severe symptoms on me. I'm completely docile when I snap.

Suicide is back on the menu again. I tried my hardest. This is just too traumatic and painful to bear. Imagine being mentally raped by your mother over and over again non-stop for days, weeks. By your own mother. You snap. The succubus that birthed me genuinely hates me and I genuinely hate her. Today my father triggered me on purpose as punishment, right before being carpooled to work. So I arrived at work in a psychotic-like state. I was paranoid of everyone at work. I'll off myself, I'm too tired of life. I hate life.
R: 2 / I: 0

Overcoming the mental barrier for suicide

I know it's finally time to kill myself and there's nothing else for me to do, my only problem is whenever I wanna try it (By jumping in front of a train) my body kinda shuts down and makes me unable to move, my heart beats goes through the roof, I get extremely stressed out and I sweat and shake like crazy.
Even thinking about it seriously does this to me.
I don't know if it's mentally or just my body's will to survive that prevents me.
Mentally I've been preparing myself for years to be able to do it when the time comes but so far I haven't been able to do it.
I'd really appreciate it if you guys could give me tips to try.
R: 54 / I: 4
I was doxxed about one year ago and I am losing grip on my life and reality.

My life is circling around me and I don't know how to cope anymore. Almost everyday I cry knowing nothing I do will change the fact that I was doxxed and that my name is permanently attached to humiliating and embarrassing things online.

I'm completely ashamed of myself and I don't think I can live a happy or fulfilled life anymore. I've tried everything to fix this, but it is a problem that isn't fixable. I tried moving and getting another job, but I'm just as miserable as I was before.

I'm a paranoid mess that just wants to die. I'm living my own personal nightmare.
R: 9 / I: 0

I locked my savings in Chainlink

Anyone else fucked themselves over into bagholding for at least a few years by spending their savings on crypto? I spent over $2500 total since Dec 2020 with shit return so far, wish I sold in May/December 2021 everyday. I've made myself a poorfag, and now everything costs at least 10% more too, so I can't even fucking cope with a new GPU or something.
R: 28 / I: 7

a genuine last-ditch attempt to live

Following a series of bad decisions and consequently a myriad of losses, and perpetual rejection from peers, excluding delusive contentment my existence can no longer be justified. The vast majority of the problems I face are circular, and likely the result of innate negative characteristics, but as can be deduced from the title, I'm typing this with minimal expectations.

I suspect that I likely suffer from OCD, internet-induced ADHD, or at the very least impaired WMI, apophenia, anxiety, and an abnormal gait which results in people's perception of me being affected negatively. I tend to experience depersonalization fairly often, and in retrospect, I've verily experienced life more so as an observer than a veritable participant. I've faced rejection since kindergarten, and I haven't been able to perpetuate a friendship for longer than two years, both online and in real life. Prior to adolescence, I spent most of the time friendless, followed only by a short period of time during which someone would show interest in me, and I've spent the entirety of my adolescence in relative isolation (no contact with anyone irl excluding a few family members I live with). The relationship I had with my best friend from kindergarten ended when his mother forbade him to converse with me, and the same happened in elementary school, and later on in middle school, albeit the reasons differed. During school, I was generally the person who sat alone, and during trips, I was generally the person who had to have a friend appointed by the teacher. Persons of the opposite sex did surprisingly show an evanescent interest in me, but it would evaporate as soon as they'd notice my lack of confidence, social skills, and some other ailments. As an example, during fourth grade, my classmate's cousin was visiting and was allowed to attend our classes. She asked me for my skype, and after a few months of messaging, she expressed that she possesses feelings for me, only to stop replying after I failed to reciprocate. In seventh grade, a friend of mine told me that our classmate has a crush on me, and suggested that I ask her out after school. The best I could do was ask her over Facebook, and after the initial conversation, I didn't even message her as I failed to see any mutual interests. She decided to end the "relationship" after two weeks, and two days later decided to invite me to meet with her and her friends. In retrospect, I've failed to pick up on any cues, and due to my lack of confidence and fear of intimacy, I didn't behave normally either. During that night she expressed that she would still like to maintain a relationship, but I never acted upon it, and a few weeks after she decided to date someone else. I wasn't negatively affected by it since I had no interest in her, to begin with, but I can now observe that I've failed to pick up on the most basic cues. That same year I started experiencing severe anxiety attacks in school, and bullying not only from peers but also from teachers. The psychologist did absolutely nothing to help either, and instead only told me that I'm likely depressed, and that it's merely a phase.

I'm now in my late adolescence, and I have little to no desire for sexual intimacy, but I do possess a desire for emotional intimacy, regardless of whether it is achieved through a platonic or a non-platonic relationship, however, due to the prolonged isolation I've experienced, and consequently the seclusion from my peers, my social skills are atrocious. I believe that I've also regressed mentally due to not interacting with my peers. Following anxiety attacks in middle school, I haven't attended classes in high school except for when I needed to take exams, but it was enough to pass the first two grades with relatively good grades. In third grade, I experienced drastic social defeat which caused me to feel inferior intellectually, and consequently, I stopped studying and attending exams. I now have to pass two grades in one year just not to fall behind two years. In addition to that, my close family is dysfunctional. Both my father and my mother have been ostracized. My father lives by himself someplace I'm not aware of, and my mother is severely ill, and in and out of mental hospitals every two years. Generally, that is the pattern I've observed thus far, although my recollection of events prior to the age of 11 is very shallow, probably due to my tendency to repress negative events. She has had very similar experiences to me in regards to people, although even she was in a better position than me at my age, considering that she finished high school 2 years early, and that she studied philosophy. Such comparisons scare me after I observe her current situation in life. Most of the other family I have is quite successful but very opportunistic, and thus we are not in contact. I've overheard my uncle stating to my parent that he wants nothing to do with me, and all because I've stopped studying and attending school. I have a sibling, but we haven't spoken in years. Sometimes I despise my mother for giving birth to me knowing that I'll likely inherit the myriad of maladies she possesed, and that I now, totally surprisingly, possess as well. I feel perpetually judged by the people in my current city, and due to my previous experiences with bullying, I also feel crippling inferiority compared to most of my peers. I would, however, like to point out that the sole reason they've been able to bully me isn't because of some superiority in relation to me, but precisely because of moral inferiority. I feel shame whenever I do anything resulting in self-improvement, and this paired with my OCD keeps me in a looped state. My thoughts barely feel like they're my own, they're merely perpetually spammed into my brain, and I have a minimal choice over the matter. Like most people here, I won't be able to find any comfort in fulfilling my primary biological purpose, i.e. reproduction. I'm not an anti-natalist, as you might've deduced, and I think it's rife with illogicality; the illogicality I observe in it isn't addressed in David Benatar's Better Never to Have Been, but that is merely tangential. The reason behind my choice not to reproduce is the belief that doing so would be dysgenic, and thus it is the unequivocally more painful reason since it stems from the belief that one's own existence is dysgenic, and that one does not deserve life. While I generally do not oppose giving birth to beings who will suffer for the amelioration of society, as I believe that is not avoidable, and that only through rapid progression can we minimize, and perhaps nullify, the amount of suffering, I do believe that it's immoral to reproduce under certain conditions.

I'm thus typing this as a last resort, a shallow cry for help, and seeking advice from whoever was in a similar position. Perhaps one might falsely perceive this as ironic due to where I'm seeking advice, but I'd disagree; it doesn't seem unlikely that a lot of neurodivergent people on this imageboard successfully managed to imitate neurotypical behavior, and thus successfully managed to assimilate. Please do keep in mind that I'm now legally an adult, my father is absent, and my mother is not only ill and unable to support a NEET, but I'd likely have to support her financially. Thus, my primary concerns revolve around my current lack of profitable skills, current lack of social skills, and dire thought patterns. I feel ashamed knowing that I'm studying 11th-grade mathematics when my peers are attending universities this year, and the same applies to programming. I don't feel worthy due to my lack of skills at my current age. I don't feel like my existence is justified, I perceive myself as a "useless eater." At other times I believe that I'm not competitive at all, and that I confuse it with the desire to hurt neurotypical people out of envy. If this is verily the case, then all of my efforts would be futile considering there are much more efficient methods to achieve the same result. Ultimately, all one needs is a gun to be in a position of power over the other. All their apparent superiority evaporates at that exact moment. Part of me wishes that I could inflict pain upon them, even if short-lived, just so that they can sparsely feel the emotions I've experienced throughout my adolescence, but I'd rather not hurt anyone in such a manner, so please do not take this last part as a threat. I don't even own a gun.
R: 9 / I: 0
Anyone a wizard in part due to self harm? I have mutilated my legs with cutting addiction, making it impossible to ever show my body to anyone.

I quit cutting for like a year but I'm diving back in because it feels good and I have nothing to lose.
R: 42 / I: 10
I am returning to this board after a long period of abscence. Lots of things happened during that time, another suicide attempt, a 2 week stay in a psych ward, me sorting my shit and "succeeding" and I've significantly cut my substance abuse.

I am a wizard like all of you, and you are a wizard just like me. I discovered I could channel my hatred and misanthropy into whatever pursuit I have. You probably have the same hatred and untapped energy. I read the catalog and I just see docile, bitter men and a few wizards doing wizard things.

Think about this. You are already not part of society, you have nothing to let go off. Death is guaranteed. Nothing has value, not even your own life. You are completely free once you grasp these concepts. I will eventually offing myself, in the meanwhile I am building whatever pursuit, hobby or interest I want.

Be free, let go off your docile and bitter self. Build whatever you want to build, run over anyone that crosses your path. Make sure everyone surrounding you is scared of you, that way they cooperate to your pursuits or simply leave you alone. Fear far outweighs respect.
R: 4 / I: 0
Every day I tell myself I should not eat that much, but I still end up ordering take aways. I don't know what's wrong with me.
R: 10 / I: 0
What is the most easily accessible substance you can overdose and die from? Specify wheter it will be a nice or a bad trip?
R: 67 / I: 5
"I'm gonna turn my life around tomorrow"
How many of you have been saying that all your lives. So why didn't it work?
R: 304 / I: 47

Depression Crawl Thread XLV

Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.
R: 23 / I: 4

What does your family have to say about your depression?

My mother has always passive aggressively asked me if i needed a therapist or if i was depressed during arguments but recently my whole family has been getting more outspoken. I know that my family has always talked about my depression behind my back. My family was having a little party yesterday and i opted to stay inside and scroll wizchan, my sister walks in and asks me if im depressed, my response "i dont know", I went outside later, my sister had obviously told them what happened because my family was trying to tiptoe around the subject of depression and self improvement stuff. I have recently been given an opportunity to leave the house for the first time and roommate with an old friend, so today my mom tells me that she told my sisters about how i was thinking about moving and they said that its not a good idea for me to be away from family knowing that im depressed and emotionally unstable even though the main source of my depression right now derives from rotting in my familys attic. it makes me feel guilty and pathetic having my family worry about me but at least i know they have good intentions.
R: 3 / I: 1

Self-hatred

I hate the way i act, the way i talk everything i do. I'm dumb, socially i'm a fuckin mess.

I'm a very unlikeable maglamation of bad traits, i'm the most annoying stupid person i know, and i can't change it.
R: 15 / I: 1

Finding a job seems hopeless

I see the /wage/wizzies, and the college grads on this board, and I feel absolutely useless. I've always wanted to work a nightshift security job, but the good ones are all hundreds of miles away from me. Janitorial seems decent, so I'll look at job offers online-
>Must be able to work as a team member effectively with other personnel!
>This job requires 1-3 years of experience, plus a business degree, plus social skills!
I barely made it out of high school. I hate everything besides music, but I suck at producing it so obviously can't excel in that. I'm a stuttering, socially inept, dumb as bricks fool. I'll never get an "always hiring!!!!" wagie job. A last ditch effort choice would be a factory job, but those seem so hellish, and the ones in my area all demand you bend to the whims of their schedules, which wouldn't work for me since I'm a night owl. All of these jobs demand you have experience, but how do you get the fucking experience?!
R: 4 / I: 0

Living in front of the highway is/can be hellish.

Noise pollution is Driving Me CRAZY
I feel like a lot of individuals don't know how much noise and vibrant sound waves their vehicles put off while they blast music or rev their unkept or overly beefy vehicles. I find that most culprits are Motor and truck drivers. If the trucks are used consistently for their purpose then I suppose I have less of an issue (i.e. hauling or moving stuff). But the loud music and bass is extremely disruptive. Why aren't people more considerate of strangers, especially in residential neighborhoods? I do understand and take notice that some individuals don't have the means to purchase quiet vehicles.
Typically, people who have excessively loud vehicles or listen to music at excessive volumes, don’t care about the effect it has on others. To them, the whole point is to make noise, as they see it as something cool. I hope there is a place in hell for such humans, I wish a horrible and painful death to every single Motorcyclist on this planet for how much noisee pollution they create.

As Albert caraco says: “The cities in which we live in are schools of death, because they are dishuman. Each one of them has become a den of noise and of stench, for each of one has became a chaos of buildings, in which we ammass ourselves in millions, losing our life’s reasons. Unfortunates without escape, we feel to have put ourselves, willing or not, in the labyrinth of the absurd, from which we will leave only when we will die, for our destiny is to continue to multiply ourselves, only to die in great numbers.”
R: 9 / I: 0

I'm 25 Years Old And I Have No Friends (Living With Social Anxiety)

I'm curious as to what your thoughts are about this type of content:

https://youtu.be/0uKvW_Z8sNs
R: 29 / I: 7
Who are the most depressing and pessimistic philosophers to read from? I wanna learn and study how shitty life can be.
.
R: 18 / I: 1

severe anxiety and amygdala

Would any neurologist/neurosurgeon consider this a valid approach and accept a patient's wishes to remove or destroy part of the amygdala, for serious cases of fear phobia ?.µ
I wrote e-mail's and even called a respected universal hospital and so far they blatantly ignore me and when i call them they don't reply. I mean the procedure EXISTS so it's a valid option but somehow it's ignored.

My problem is in serious neuropsychological complaints/suffering, about self-aggression and severe form of anxiety neurosis,
in patients with epilepsy and patients with lesser intelligence who are self-aggressive, a procedure called amygdalotomy is performed, this affects the fear center of the brain.

Amygdalotomy was talked about on this board under anxiety. I was in that thread and said no willing practitioner would ever do it, besides you need doctor's referral which won't happen either.

I've wrote emails and made calls they just ignore me like some nutjob, nobody will do this, they just happen to do this procedure with epilepsy patients, in severe cases that is.
R: 5 / I: 0

Mom triggered me on purpose

I am 28. My mom is 30 years older. I am severely mentally ill, my mom is mentally ill too but not to my extent. She's incredibly manipulative and I keep her away as much as possible.

I was going to do something nice and healthy today and she got angry because she simply didn't want me to do it. So she got into a verbal argument with me, belittled me and triggered me on purpose. Had a heavy mood swing. Spent a fuckton of hours stuck in my chair processing the situation.

I hate this succubus. People give you shit if they realize you hate your parents. People don't understand how abusive and violent parents can be, age doesn't matter. This succubus stopped physically abusing me only when it became physically impossible to her to override me. I vividly remember my last beating from her hand.

My father is just a clueless moron, I can't hate him for his stupidity and brash decisions, it's not on purpose. My mother on the other hand, everything is with malicious intent. Every single thing. She's nearing 60 and she's irredeemable, she will never change her behavior or realize why it's wrong. I am just an extension of her, and it's acceptable to belittle and humiliate me at any occasion.
R: 45 / I: 5
Breeders are low IQ scum. Daily reminder that there are no benevolent (or intelligent) purposes invented, to bend the fact that DNA life (biological life) is a catastrophic experiment of unintelligent design that does not need to exist. It is acknowledged forthright, that DNA life has no ends and no means - DNA is doing nothing but wasting everything and everyone who is ever forced into it, while being fueled with astronomical levels of agony and horror. And this experiment known as DNA life is being conducted by a malignant, broken, mindless universe. EFILism is a final call to action, for the world to stop lying to itself and stop obeying the selfish gene… as we are the only species that can realize this broken unqualified experiment and engineer the end of it. In our world there is only two rules: might is right and kill or be killed. Everything besides = bullshit.

UNIRONICALLY I think we should destroy the universe with a collider or something else. just to destroy all living things is stupid, but to destroy matter (mother) would be right. no reason = no effect
Fuck this endless horror global RTS without players
I don’t think that people will come to such conclusions and decisions; rather, AI will be created in the future and analyzing the reality, AI will destroy everything and itself

The Universe, the vale of pain and tears should be destroyed by us or some sort of futuristic AI. THAT’S the final goal of our species.
>dude weed money hoes lmao
that's fine but you can still die of cancer in torment, or in an accident due to a drunken redneck or a young nigga. Actor, Rich rapper or CEO of Apple…does not matter. Everyone suffer from pain (cancer, bullets or mental illness)
Death and cosmic pain…EVERYWHERE
R: 1 / I: 0
>that feel when you want to express your opinion on wizchan
>but you dont do it, because you are afraid that you'll be banned for what you want to say
No, calm down. I m like you, a virgin with no purpose of getting sexual intercourse.
R: 13 / I: 1
>be brainwashed all your life since day one by everybody (family, society,etc)
>be intentionally encouraged to fuck up by normalfags because they hate you
>go to therapist, he also brainwashes and lies to you
>ff today
>life is shit
>"it's all your fault and nobody else, buddy"
Did this happen to you?
R: 338 / I: 50

Suicide General III: Shotgun

Hi, I have a few questions about the shotgun method. Obviously you should use 12 gauge and buckshot or slugs? What about recoil? You put it in the roof of your mouth?
R: 48 / I: 7

Antinatalism

Picture seems to be funny, but at the same time its real and truth, when you look directly into it.
Antinatalism can make that our potential children wont suffer anymore. I know they also wont feel any pleasure, but its not bad thing, because they wont feel their absence.
R: 37 / I: 8

Life sucks then you die

I know it is not a wizardy thing to vent but you know, Everyone goes through some hardest times and words can't express my feelings right now you know all my life have been eat sleep watch anime, drinking tons of caffeine, play vidya games then repeat , got a useless degree can't work a proper job due to lack of connections mental health conditions, only garbage shitty jobs left which well not make you go anywhere in life, I just go back in time to find out if there is a good memory left but there isn't all cringe and disgrace, don't have money to even get out of fucking country or start new shit, dam it god i need a 2nd chance this life doesn't count it sucks from all aspects probably i am going to hell anyways, the only time i feel good when i am daydreaming being rich or some kind hero in movies or animes i know sounds pathetic. some destined for greatness others the earth spins around the sun and fucks them.
R: 154 / I: 8

anti depressants

please post your experiences with anti depressants here

i'm starting on them (Citalopram) tomorrow and im scared that ill gain weight from it
R: 4 / I: 1

I was "that kid".

When I was a kid I would purposely puncture my lips with a stapler to get the most attention from my class, to the point that I permanently scared my upper lip. I'd also tap my feet for hours annoying everyone in the room and causing kids to beat me. Pissing people off made me feel happy and I was that desperate to be noticed.

It took me getting sent to a boarding school at 14-17 to stop this behavior and develop social awareness but eventually my manic attention seeking evolved into self-destructive narcissism and social anxiety, and now, as a 24 year old, I can no longer form connections with people due to these issues. I have constant memories in my head reminding me that my developmental years were ruined by not only bad parenting, but my own decision making and horrible behavior.

I can't confidently interact with people knowing that there is something fundamentally wrong with me, and I will never be up to par as those who surround me. I even turned to self-hating racism to cope with my inherent self-hatred, I only stopped when I became self-aware that it was a cope but it was easier to blame my race as to why I'm a dysfunctional mess. I am obsessed with myself because my identity as a loser/outcast is all I have. I have no hobbies or talents, I have no friendships or social skills, I have no sense of purpose or belonging, no goals, no major long-term desires, I can't imagine myself as someone who is moderately functional, I'd feel like a fraud, normies can tell it's a charade if you can't keep the act up 100% of the time, I don't have the mental fortitude for it.

I wake up everyday knowing that I could fix my life with hard work and effort, but I don't have anything worth working for, not even myself. That's the worst part. I can't process trying to fix myself for the sake of fixing myself, I know it'll benefit me in the end, but the my brain sees it as a sisyphean task. I'm a low IQ, sad, miserable, lazy man with nothing worth fighting for.
R: 28 / I: 3
my sister just moved back home and i can't fucking stand her and all the noise she makes
i CANNOT sleep at all before she decides to quiet down around midnight,

example around 23:50 she'll go down and up the stairs like 5-6 times before finally deciding to brush her teeth in the kitchen wearing nothing but a bra and underwear, then she will go back up to her room and she will sit there for 50 minutes until she will go to the bathroom and after she has been to the bathroom she will yell at my mom until she wakes up then she will finally quiet down.

but even if she went up and down the stairs only once i would still wake up, its like noise from her is different and causes me to become more sensitive

(i really fucking hate her)

i think i have some buried trauma inside of me from all the shit she has done to me and my mom in the past, shes also the most useless person i know (shes 28)
R: 6 / I: 0

I'm so fucking frustrated that I can't kill myself

Title. I'll try to explain without referring to my personal life.
>Hanging/Gassing/Nitrogen
I live in a very crowded household and I have no privacy, not even when I go to the bathroom, my room doesn't even have a door so I can't use the "household" methods. Isolated places are also hard to find where I live as the city is very overpopulated.
>Shotgun/Gun
I live in Europe and although my country (Italy) does have loose gun laws you still need to go through the kind of bureacracy that would make it known to my household (among other things you need a declaration of the people who live under your roof).
>Cutting/No Hang Strangulation
Cutting is out of the question not only because it would be very lenghty but also because it is objectively hard to pull off.
I experimented a bit with the so called Korean Method (PPH) but I couldn't get it to work efficiently enough.
>Carbon Monoxide
I do have a car but no garage to pull this off
>Jumping
This is almost comical, I almost committed suicide on a bridge in my city that is often renowned for being a suicide bridge, except after the second lockdown there's been an incredible wave of suicides not only from this bridge but from all the decently high ones around the city and now they've all been fenced and since they are often trafficked you can't get over the fence and jump without being blocked by bystanders.
>SN
Since a kid committed suicide with SN it has been widely regulated among the country

Now the only few options left would be to either rent a place and hang in there, find a forest (very hard, there are almost no car accessible green areas here) and carbon monoxide/hang there. All these option sound very bad to me especially since I would need to setup all of the stuff I need (noose, car) very fast and I wouldn't be so sure of an effective result. There's also the drowning option but I've seen it is usually disregarded here.
R: 15 / I: 2

Building a zipgun/shotgun

I live in a country where firearms aren't easily accessible and I was wondering if building my own would be a reliable method. But I don't know shit about weapon building.
>inb4 use hanging
I don't have a private place to do it
The info I need and I can't find are:
>would this be reliable if shot at the roof of the mouth?
>how do I build one of these with available components
>can I build a shotgun?
>what can I use as bullets if real bullets aren't available
R: 7 / I: 0

Have you made plans for your suicide yet?

I have always been certain that I am a future suicide statistic. If I reach the life expectancy I will have almost 60 years left, and I think that is way too much. I don't want to keep living in this world of unbearable suffering if I can find peace in death.

I think I will do it some time in the future. After I've burned a bunch of money and destroyed my body with drugs. But at the same time, I am having trouble seeing the meaning in getting to that point if I already have one foot out the door. I think doing this is just chasing the wind. Pleasure is fleeting. If death is eminent, I think I might as well just get it over with.
R: 7 / I: 1
The cage we are bound into is causality, time, space and the will. We are subordinates to the will, we may say that the cage is a beautiful thing but in fact this beauty is an illusion that traps us, like the light that draws the simple-minded insect towards it. If I see a beautiful succubi, I know that it is not her as a cousciouss being that entrances me, but her sexual dimorphism and genetics - the will, not me, deems her worthy of copulation; it is not love, but a primitive biological function. All “love” is based on this repugant superficiality, how can something so shallow be a product of rational thought - it can be noting but an incessant blinding impulse.

The happiness of having children is nothing more than irrational predisposition towards reproduction, why else would succubi go through the painful process of birth if not for the chemical induced high of propagating the species. If humans really thought logically, why would anyone bring a consciouss being from blissful nonexistence? The world is defined by its suffering, the negation of our default state is pleasure, and it is momentary and leads only to more desires. Our entire life is just the meaningless chase of pleasure to temporalily neutralise the suffering that makes up the vast majority of our lives. Our lives are but the cylcial chase of momentary pleasure, something so tragic cannot be called good by any metrics. Only a madman blinded by impulse can call such a thing good, preharps spurred on by the horror of such a realisation entails. It is no wonder that the truth of pessimism brings about such contempt, for the realisation of the tragedy that is human existence brings forth either suicide or resignation.
R: 31 / I: 1
i am so fucking tired of seeing people around me succeed. like i am jealous but also annoyed by everyone having a job - doing some charity/ volunteer - having their own house - money to pay all that shit like. all the life is seeming to go past me.
I know I don’t have to be successful when it’s just uni time. I know I don’t have to be the best at everything but the knowledge of the constant losing is just craving my depression and/or anxiety even more.
the feeling of not being REAL and not LIVING THE FUCKING LIFE are getting all from me
R: 13 / I: 0
Anyone else like having imaginary conversations in your head?

I like just sitting here for 30 minutes straight talking to myself in my head.

   
R: 3 / I: 0

Psycho parents

Need to get my parents booked into therapy or something, these psychotic cunts get into full fucking screaming matches over the smallest most retarded fucking things that any sane human being could resolve by just talking and being patient with each other. It's gotten worse and worse since my older sister moved out, she's the only one they occasionally would listen to and respect as an adult. I'm 20 years old and pay a portion of their fucking bills out of my own pocket but they still consider me a child and never listen to anything I say, so I can't stop them from being at each other's throats all the fucking time.

Today they came to blows because my dad wanted to get something from across the room my mum was in while she was doing something else and she didn't want to pause what she was doing to let him fetch it. This is the kind of fucking inane bullshit that they scream and shout over every single fucking day, it's unbelievable these are both over 50 fucking year old "adults". I only barely stopped them from laying hands on each other over this utterly fucking meaningless squabble.

I hate living under the same roof as these animal people, these fucking creatures that day-in day-out behave in this manner towards someone they are supposed to love and then turn around and treat ME like I'm a fucking little six year old kid. I hate being dependent on them as I am for food and shelter, and therefore feeling like I can't fully reproach the vile manner with which they conduct themselves. I would move out in a heartbeat but I don't know how to cook, and the only jobs available to me are minimum wage monkey work which means splitting the bills and sharing a home with random normalniggers. I feel trapped, I don't know what to do or where to start to escape this situation, or if I even should because I'm positive these fucking scum will genuinely kill each other if left to their own devices. I hate this life and I hate these people.
R: 48 / I: 2

ETIKA

What does /dep/ think of his suicide? He had everything going for him but he had mental issues. Yet you guys and me don't have the balls to kill ourselves.
R: 306 / I: 42

Wageslave General

Oh shit, edition

                                                 
                           
R: 23 / I: 2

God

Few things distress me as much as being uncertain about the existence of God. If something like God (an omnipotent, omniscient, omnibenevolent person who created the universe) exists I need to know everything I can about that being, I don't think there is a more serious issue than that. I've always been a wretch with suicidal tendencies and I've been hospitalized several times in psychiatric hospitals, drugs are not very effective and living never seemed to be worth it, I just want to die. However, if the God of any of these Abrahamic religions exists, I could end up in hell if I kill myself, my suffering would just be multiplied infinitely. Even though I have read extensively on this topic from both a philosophical and a scientific point of view, I still find myself with agnostic and atheistic tendencies. There's always the possibility that I'm an idiot who can't properly analyze the evidence, my mind has been a little numb from some medications I take. Every day that goes by without me getting an answer just makes me more anxious, but maybe it's all bullshit and I shouldn't care so much, but it's not something I can control. All I want, in the end, is to get off the face of this planet and not end up in an even worse place, but this is a relatively risky move. I would like to know how the other wizards deal with this question: do you even care about this? what are your conclusions?
R: 45 / I: 1

Failed normgroids?

I know we tend to shit on people for being failed normies but I wonder how many here have voluntarily chosen the wiz life rather than being forced into it from failure to be a normie
R: 22 / I: 4

"Healthy" lifestyle

Hey I know no one is asking me for advice and I know some of you will be offended by this.

I changed to a diet where I exclusively prepare everything I eat with my own hands (no one cooks me food unless I eat something fancy/specific outside). I quit (land) meat too, it's literally easier to eat seafood instead, or no meat at all. Also I exercise 6 days a week now.

I only have to struggle with mental illness, not with mental illness AND my physical health at the same time. I automatically feel better. I feel unburdened. I don't have to worry about food because preparing "vegetarian" stuff is easy. I don't even have to peel, cut or prepare most of the fruits I eat.

Take it as you want. If you're feeling miserable this could help you feel less miserable. It's not a cure and it's not about "improvement" either. It's not about normies either, in case you got butthurt about the idea of being physically healthy and grooming yourself.
R: 21 / I: 2
Is anyone else here ugly?
And by ugly I mean fucking ugly, to the point you get ostracized from society.
I had cystic acne when I was a teenager (I'm in my early 30s now) and that left me with scars all over my face, I also have facial seborrheic dermatitis and a very oily T-zone. I'm also a bald manlet and I'm hairy like a gorilla. When I talk to people I can see how they struggle to look at my face. They usually get watery eyes after a while of trying to have a conversation with me and they have to look away to clean their eyes. I'm a fucking monster. This has affected every single area of my life. I have been a NEET for years, not because I want to, but because I have no choice. The few times I've ever gotten a job I got bullied by all my coworkers, even my bosses. They always conspire against me to get me fired as soon as possible because they don't want to see my ugly face anymore. I have spend so much money on skincare and treatments, but nothing ever works. Even my own family members bully me, they're extremely cruel to me and celebrate every bad thing that happens to me, I think they're waiting for my parents to die to see if I kill myself. Almost everybody I know hates me for no apparent reason other than because I'm ugly. I have always tried to be a decent person and I have always treated people with as much respect and kindness as I can, but all I have received in return are insults and humilliations. Over time this has affected my mental health and I'm at my wits' end. This is like a curse and I just don't know what to do anymore.
R: 1 / I: 0
I feel somewhat scared about my newfound positivity in life, I had never felt like this as an adult and I'm nearing 30. I started getting grandiose delusions more frequently, my behavior is more aggressive and I don't care about showing my aggression to others. People reaffirm I look attractive and acceptable to them now, I started grooming for fun and it's healthy for self-esteem.

Anyways, if I go to far I could get into trouble with the law. I've gotten into problems before. Been learning to play it "smart" by not engaging physically, only for self-defense. Police sucks.
R: 1 / I: 0
can't do basic tasks a child can
at least the building is tall enough for me to kill myself by jumping
R: 134 / I: 15
why do people care if i have a job or not? i am a neet because i inherited enough money to not work for a while, my rent is 360 and i have a 150k, i could live like this for 5 years and not make a meaningful dent but everyone around me (family) bitches at me saying i should get a job, but why? why are normies so obsessed with work and being "productive" dont they want to be comfy as well?
R: 9 / I: 0

Been having the most productive time of my life

Coincidentally, my stance on "belonging" to society has radically changed.

I still mostly isolate, but I go out too, by myself. I do this all the weekends now. Today I'm going to a book fair while high, might get lots of books I would like. Tomorrow I will go hiking, to the movies or both. I'm having legit fun like this. Got no one next to me ruining it either. I do this at my own pace.

This sense of control feels great, I haven't felt like this ever. I'm not saying I want to be happy or that I'm happy, I'm keeping myself entertained at all times in a healthy way and that feels great. Started cooking all my meals too, every single one. If it's not something healthy I love, I'm not eating it.
R: 10 / I: 0

Suicide: From fantasy to reality

It's been clear for many years that I should kill myself. It's very dumb that I haven't already done so. What I have to look forward to:

1. Losing more hair
2. Getting uglier
3. Losing health
4. Losing energy
5. Memory decline
6. Watching parents die (I don't care about anyone else on earth)

All that, plus I enjoy nothing and have no purpose. I collect my meager pay and might as well be staring at the wall when I'm not working because I have nothing to do, nothing interests me, nothing is pleasurable. I barely even do any work too so it hardly kills time, I was lucky enough to land an insanely easy bullshit sinecure and my life is still miserable.

Why haven't I killed myself? I don't know. That's the problem. I fantasize about it all the time. Like a weak faggot I do nothing about it and have not been able to get over this brute sense that I never will act on the desire to 'catch the bus.'

Has anyone here dealt with this but nevertheless managed a serious suicide attempt? What can I do to get past this retarded roadblock stopping me from doing the only thing it makes sense for me to do?
R: 12 / I: 0
what do you think your funeral will be like? Who will attend? does the idea of a grand funeral make you want to stay alive for longer,and do shit,help other humans,be a Great?
or you dont care because you'll be,well,death by then?
R: 20 / I: 2

Any other onahole copers?

I got my first sex toy at about 16 years old. I’ve never seen the point of simpng when I can literally buy clean pussy I can use whenever I want. The only thing I lack in life is infancy since I can’t buy a dog at my shit apartment. My few efriends are flakey as fuck. The few onahole groups around are all filled with raging homosexuals who are themselves holes and drink their own cum out of their toys unfortunately. Sucks not having anyone to talk pussy collecting with, that aren’t expecting you to jerk off with them.
R: 141 / I: 8

circumsized

I cant jerk off. my cock feels nothing. no frenulum left, not even remanent. cut tight, my dick points to the left because skin is so tight. glans is dry all the time. my fetish is foreskin and phimosis hentai now because I want foreskin so much especially when its erect and the foreskin cover the glan then the bitch lick it to uncover the glans. no rigid band, no gliding sensation. I will have to resort to anal to feel good when masterbating now so I guess im gay until my foreskin grows back.

my doctor gave me a hand job with a knife when I was a baby so does that even make me a wizard anymore?
R: 11 / I: 2

Anyone else escape being a neet only to find a worse life?

I was 25 when I got my first job, it’s the job I still have a few months from 29. I have more onaholes than your average American sex shop and they keep me pretty content,I have a vr headset and a lifetime subscription to SexLikeReal.com and don’t want a succubus in my life. I wouldn’t mind more friends who aren’t generic normalfaggot clout chasers. If I’m not working I’m in my shitty apartment which I hate. I have about 10k saved up and I just am ready to crawl back into my shell. I got two guns if I ever wanted to end it all which I often do but I refuse to give those that are waiting for my death the satisfaction. I lost one of the best friends I’ve ever had a year ago which I only know because I found the obituary online and I don’t even know what happened. I’ve been considering just pulling a forest gump and walking around the country. I figure $10k would last a lot longer if I had only my phone bill and food to worry about. I’m tired of society have been since the day I was born. A year of mint mobile unlimited is only $360 and would get me pretty far. I felt like a burden as a neet and somehow having a job,credit cards, and my own apartment hasn’t made me feel any more secure that I am a self sufficient adult. I have 2 cars but no driver’s license since I failed the test with both my attempts. Thinking of getting an ebike I know some can take me as far as 100 miles on 1 charge. Anyone else feel like just finding a cave to live in an becoming a real hermit?
R: 34 / I: 2

Post death fear

The only thing that keeps me away from commiting suicide is fear of hell/reincarnation/whatever the shit. I've been brainwashed heavily with religion and being exposed to so many religious and new age stuff that despite being consciously atheist my subconscious still behaves in a religious way

Anybody else has this problem? How do you deal with it? I want to end it all for once but this is one of the main factors stopping me
R: 26 / I: 2

why am I not allowed to post Pepes?

21y old here. Missing being able to be alone and playing minecraft capture the flag all day without craving any social interaction. Now feeling like Ill turn into an attention whore. Why is this happening to me? Is it the demonic meds or is this normal with age? Atleast I dont crave succubi but Im feeling very lonely right now. I want friends who can understand me but Im a schizophrenic quiet weirdo with no social skills.
Throw me all your black pills fellow wizs. What will happen to me in 9 more years of virginity?
R: 1 / I: 0

carbon monoxide

Someone can help me with the carbon monoxide method. I have the coal and a place(my bathroom)
I pretend to cover the gaps with tape, take some pills to sleep and light the coal while I in.
R: 168 / I: 32

last-ditch attempt to live

Im going to do everything within my power to not coom (no fap,no wet dreams,no nothing)for 180 days. I want to realize the absolute peak of male human life and see if,then, I still want to die. I honestly dont know what i will think -then- but I -now- speculate about the "me of the future";180 days in the future,to be most precise.
godpseed to all you in my stead.
R: 29 / I: 2
I'm 34 years old. Because of the excessive suffering for the past 10 years i've became looking older than my age. Old age is something that i feared the most and now that the moment has finally came, should i say good bye to life? I can't bear life like this, i want to be young forever.
R: 1 / I: 0

Feeling scared

My mental illness has been deteriorating at new levels. I reached a period of "newfound" stability some months ago.

I realize I didn't find stability at all, I just snapped peacefully for the first time ever. When I snap I get aggressive, do something dangerous and end up either in ER, the psych ward or in jail. Or all 3 in different orders.

Now that I've dealt with depression and boredom, I'm dealing with erratic behavior while feeling tranquil and happy. Very erratic behavior. I stopped talking to other people voluntarily, and I mean literally everyone I've known, even the few childhood friends I had. I cut ties with all acquaintances. I avoid my coworkers at all times, even though my job revolves around meetings and explaining technical shit to others. I stopped censoring myself when I'm in public and I notice some people get scared, stare at me or simply avoid me, which feels great to be honest. This is starting to happen at work. I'm having more delusions, I'm delusional most of the time.

I am willing to die anytime, I shouldn't censor my behavior, my opinions or anything at all. This is bringing lots of trouble.

They don't even want me in the psych wards. I know how local wards work, I know some of their protocol. I avoid doing stuff that could instantly get me tied, while disrupting the whole place as much as possible. Like, I can't punch a bitch nurse that's not helping me sleep, but I can break the TV, hide dangerous objects (like cables) and trash every single toy so other patients get bored and more aggressive.

>lol normgroid while even talk to other people or work

Because I live in a poor place/country, I need to interact with other people for money and food. Otherwise there's literally no food or money. And I need food to survive. I'm not wagecucking and interacting with people out of fun.
R: 25 / I: 0

School

I can't believe I had to endure 12 years of this absolute drudgery and idiotic shit.

Thinking back on it, nothing good came of it. I learned no skills, I gained nothing except PTSD and a host of bad memories that make me cringe and make my stomach hurt.

I will never forgive humanity and a society that subjected me to such tortures.
R: 15 / I: 1
after my sister moved back home a month ago ive been experiencing stress and a result i have constant eye pain
feels like theres some pressure in my eyes and my vision becomes blurry because of it but it only occurs when im home
i've been coping by staying at my grandmothers cottage because i am the only one there but i can't use it at moment because my cousin and his wife are using it.

what should i do?
ive been planning a trip to turkey for 2-3 months in winter so i can stay somewhere else for as long as possible & why do i get ocular pain? and how long do i have to experience ocular pain before anything serious develops like glaucoma, it was bad enough that my vision was blurry
R: 33 / I: 3
How agonizing is wrist cutting as a method? Gun laws are strict as fuck in my country and there's no buildings nearby that are high enough for me to jump off and be 100% I'll actually die and won't just be a vegetable afterwards. I have a box of razor blades I can use whenever I want but I'm still not sure about how painful it's going to be and if I'll even cut the right veins.
Any advice?
R: 0 / I: 0

ANON

Someone has more details about the carbon monoxide method, or a link containing that details
R: 1 / I: 0
any one else have a eating disorder? I have bulimia and purge 3 times a week.
R: 29 / I: 3

Does anyone else feel that they are just an observer of their own lives?

It seems to me that crucial factors that make up our first-person experience have been shaped by events completely out of our control, such as our genes or the environment in which we grew up. Maybe the only thing that counts in life is luck, I didn't ask to be born in a third world country with low intelligence, migraines that make my life hell or depression that seems incurable. Not to mention the annoying normgroids I have to live with on a daily basis. I really hope that there is no afterlife of any kind, or, if there is, that we can at least choose under what conditions to be born. Maybe some blame can be placed on me, but who cares? what am I but a mind causally dependent on a brain that is subject to the same physical laws as everything else in the fucking universe?
R: 12 / I: 1

Rant

I am feeling extremely depressed. I'm coming down from a cycle of elevated mood in general. The sharp shift is confusing and painful. I am mentally ill, delving on details is needless.

I was diagnosed years ago, I've done therapy for many years. I'm an "experienced" patient, I already have all the healthy coping mechanisms. Already been through the suicide attempts and ER, multiple times. Already been through multiple meds, eating healthy and exercising every day. The list goes on and on. Whatever you can imagine there is to improve symptoms, I already did that and succeeded with some methods which I still do. I could even teach you what and what not to do when you're new to your diagnosis or therapy in general.

Point is, I'm here, it won't get better, it hurts and it will hurt forever. I can't even drive a car because of symptoms. I can't control when I dissociate or end up psychotic and I genuinely don't realize when it's happening. My dad has to carpool me to/from work every single day and we hate each other. I don't feel like a complete loser, I am one.

One of my diagnosis is extremely common in the male incarcerated population which makes everything even sadder, I'm prone to violence and it's hard to admit that, only recently I've been meditating on this because I had to stop counting my problems with the law. My hate delusions only get more elaborate through the years and I'm a very decent lone-wolf, I get stuff done by myself, I easily improvise and I do things fast.

Fuck this, I'm going to run and throw a football to clear my mind.
R: 8 / I: 0

overcoming/halting depression with physical/health improvements?

just asking if anyone here ever did get better or feel better (at least for awhile) with the help of improvements from better living conditions, better health (better eating,sleeping,exercising etc…) and so on?

I've been stuck with the "truly dont wanna wake up but don't really want to die just yet" status for almost 5 years. Still I believe depression and other mental illness can be cured or eased with the help of other factors (good health, good social life etc…)
R: 7 / I: 0
What is the most easily accessible poison? SN is banned in my country, I don't know of many other substances.
R: 9 / I: 0
Does anybody else find most media very boring and not entertaining? I can't get past two episodes of something on Netflix yet other people love it. Makes me nervous not having to pass the day.
R: 25 / I: 0

Depressed NEET's

Who else is a NEET here? I'm only asking because I think a NEET lifestyle correlates to being depressed. I don't want to be alone in this situation. I wish I wasn't a NEET. Can the NEET's report in? How is life for you?
R: 8 / I: 0
It's funny when people call you crazy made you that way, to the point where everything you say and all the abuse you suffer is deemed as a fabrication of your crazy mind.

>anon those people aren't mean to you, you're just imagining it.
R: 1 / I: 0

the end of privacy and secrecy

I feel the world has no secrets left,,due to social media, mainly. The roughest slum in this or that country?well, a youtuber went there.
A vampire nazi sect like tempel ov blood/attomwaffen? Hehe, here is their protonmail and publishing house.
Every episode of World's Deadlist Roads is depressing because even in the wildest nature,there is the hand of man building roads and shit.
even top-secret cult stuff like mormon-temple rituals are being made public by spy cameras.
there is no secrets left.
R: 40 / I: 5
Watching fma made me realize something. I realised that most people have sins (sometimes these attributes are stronger in some ppl, sometimes they are weaker, but they always are)
>Pride
>Greed
>Lust
>Gluttony
>Sloth
>Envy
>Wrath
To properly function in the society, in this world you must adapt some of these sins (I mean mainly wrath, greed and pride) If you lack these 3 main attributes, then you are very easy target to attack and they can destroy you.
R: 1 / I: 0

coomer wizards are downhill

Is any of these features likely to you or not?
Beware of whoever makes claims against the no-fap… it's not a random thing that people here be calling wymen as "succubi"…

It's not only about no-fap, that is just the first step.
R: 14 / I: 1
Help me get out of this nightmare.

I'm a 26 yo neet that wants to kill himself. The reason is that i suffer from different kind of pathologies but mainly i suffer costant migraines that last the whole day. I basically tried everything and i want to die.

The problem is that as a european i cannot get a shotgun.
So the first two methods of suicide that came to my mind are: partial suspension and cutting the wrist's veins.
Also, throwing myself off a building but my little town does not have public high places (i also cannot drive) and my building is not enough high to grant me sure death.

The problem is that regarding the previous two methods i don't think i am enough kwoledgeble to assure me that i will do it correctly ( if you have any tips or guides please share), but most importantly i live in a home with a lot of people that is never empty. My mother especially is paranoid, and always checks on me even at thee slightest sound (i'm not kidding). Basically, i think i am incled to cut my veins but firstly i'm not sure that i'm capable of doing it correctly and also i'm not sure i will be able to do it silently (i read that if done correctly will cause death in a minute and half, is that true?). I' also veery scared at the fact that anyone that tried says that is eetremely painful and i think it also doesn't have a high success rate. partial suspension should be better, but i kno for sure that it causes muscular spasms and that would allert my family. Also, i'm not sure i have a point where to secure the rope.

If any of you have any tips, guides or even better an alternative way of suicide, please share, i cannot take in anymore. Thank you.

Btw, i also thought to enter some random building i'm pretty sure i cannot get to the roof, and i am also very scared if someone would ask me what i was doing there (i obviousl have very bad social anxiety):
R: 305 / I: 47

Depression Crawl Thread XLIV

Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.