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/dep/ - Depression

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R: 65 / I: 5
Why do you want to commit suicide? What problems do you have? What is really stopping you from doing it?
R: 257 / I: 20

Wageslave General

another year has come and gone edition

previous >>267956
R: 242 / I: 22

Depression Crawl Thread L

Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.

Previous: >>269378
R: 10 / I: 1

How do Normies manage it??

Recently i've been playing a lot of dating sims and it showed me how apathetic i am about human relations, i'm so distant and incompatible with other people worldview (especially succubis), how do others Sub 8 at my age have so many friends and already had engaged in multiple relationships?
everytime i try to talk with another Sapiens, i unironically sound like a low iq fallout avatar, honestly i don't think i can ever fix it, am i just retarded or something? wish i knew the normies secret, people are bizarrely complicated and i probably will never learn how to deal with their complexity.
R: 43 / I: 5
All my life at least since I was like 8 different people would pick on me for no reason or betray or abandon me. I never bothered anybody yet people would be hostile or bully me out of nowhere. Friends would stop talking to me or become hostile to me without explanation, or wouls it be enough for somebody to say something bad to one of said friends to become hostile to me after years. This continued in high school. I managed to have a sort of group of friends but the same thing happened. There was for example a guy who I was ok with him and outta nowhere he refused to greet me and would look at me making smug faces and outright started bothering me at recess one day. Later years people would be extremely harsh with me for stuff they would pass or ignore on other people. For example there was a succubus (she was a neo nazi and very fucked up in the head) who I was sorta friend for a year yet she became hyper hostile against me for a small comment I once made to her. To the point of reacting aggressively and never talking to me again and doing bad comments against me every once. This continued even in college. I even tried to confront politely friends who suddenly for no reason stopped talking to me and all I got was evasives or staring at me like a soulless npc or even aggressions.

Same thing in the street, if there's a beggar or my country's version of the jogger he'll come to bother me outta all the possible people. There were weaker and weirder people at school yet none of those were picked, ever. And the only time I fought back I was called a violent monster by succubus classmate (I only slapped the bully on his face. He once stomped 3 times the head of another classmate, yet I'm the violent…)

I tried everything, from being nice, to being "myself", I've thought it was a punishment from god or karma and accepted it for a while (which fucked me up mentally even more). Yet to this day I don't even understand why people are like this with me

For the record I'm average and almost always used to dress normal, with nothing strange. Nowadays I'm mostly a silent character and dress "aggressively" (like a bodyguard, with sunglasses and everything) and carry pepper spray, and weapons just in case and even tough people avoid me more, I can notice when some people take that same approach, like they want to be hostile with me for no reason but since I don't give them any reason to do so by being as irrelevant as possible, they like seethe and sometimes seem to try to provoke me with indirect words which I always ignore

While writting this I am remembering a lot of said incidents (I have very deep memory) and it saddens me even more.

Have any of you wizzies experienced this? How do you deal with it?
R: 23 / I: 1

Depressed wizards, how's your average day like this early 2023?

What's your average day like?

>wake up at 5AM

>eat quick breakfast
>uber to gym
>lift at gym
>walk home, arrive around 7:40 AM
>eat bigger breakfast and protein shake
>shower
>go to wagecuck job through public transport, arrive around 8:30 AM
>take psychiatric meds as soon as I sit on my desk
>grind 4 hours, lunch, grind another 4 hours
>leave work, do errands if I have to
>return home through public transport, arrive around 6:30-8:00 AM
>eat weed edible as soon as I arrive home
>cook a big meal and prepare short meals, eat something every 2 hours on average
>spend the rest of the night eating, playing videogames, playing instruments or keeping myself entertained
>take psychiatric meds
>shitpost in wizchan
>fap
>mini-shower again because of skin conditions
>go to sleep
R: 4 / I: 1
What happened to SanctionedSuicide? Their suicide forum is not showing anymore.
R: 2 / I: 1
Wake up, and it's one of those days,again, I woke up sad and wanting to die, another pointless day in a pointless life, things are bland and boring, people are strange and I don't know how they work, I feel like I hate everyone and everything. Fuck this gay earth.
R: 42 / I: 3
Anyone knows how to get into a fight and win and not go to prison or get charges?
I'm very angry and I feel like a loser and I only had some scrambles in school and I always lost.
Recently I joined a gym to get stronger and also a martial art but I'm losing to everyone as they are more experienced than me and this is making me suicidal.

I feel that if I would fight someone and win it would make me feel better but I only see this going bad: I lose badly and get the beating of my life or I fight someone that doesn't fight back and they report me.

I need someone that is around my age and that fights back so the win feels good and I don't want them to call the police.

What kind of person should I challenge? Should I bait them to attack me and then it's self defense? How do I make sure I win?

I just need to feel better than someone. Also, there aren't any streetbeefs and other stuff like that where I live.
R: 67 / I: 3

What are we supposed to do in life?

Lately I've been lying in bed for hours with my eyes closed after waking up. I just don't know what to do. Nothing excites me anymore. I just don't have the energy to live anymore. I asked my psychiatrist for Ritalin but she wouldn't prescribe it to me. I simply don't enjoy anything anymore.

>Just consume media till you die, bro

>Just work till you die, bro

How exciting.
Life is truly a blessing, huh?
R: 22 / I: 5

Innately Useless

I’ve always been bad at everything. I always worked the slowest and still managed to make it shitty. When I’m given the simplest assignment conceivable I draw a blank and have to ask for help. I’m astonishingly error prone. I make an obvious mistake and then immediately understand what I did wrong, but that never prevents the next one.

Anything “artistic” I’ve tried like drawing or blacksmithing literally looks like a child did it. My coach in high school tried to devise a plan with the team captains because I was “the least talented” and had to be compensated for. I’ve lost handball games to fourth graders. I cut my fingers off with a table saw (they were re attached).

I can’t enjoy anything because every time I try I just add another failure to my oeuvre. I used to think I just didn’t try hard enough because I was scared of failure, but now I’ve tried and failed again and again I realize trying is just a waste.

Maybe the worst part is that sometimes people don’t realize how incompetent I am until they see me in action. I can watch their faces change as they realize how stupid I am. They’re all nice about it, but they start treating me like a five year old.

I just wondered if any wizzies shared my experience.
R: 14 / I: 1
How do you deal with weight loss?

A lot of my self esteem really just stems from overeating from stress or just laziness. Has anyone overcame that, has it helped your general wellbeing?
R: 8 / I: 1
What are some good self-harm forums? Especially ones focused on cutting? I love you guys but I want to chat with folks who have my self-destructive habits.

Thanks.
R: 25 / I: 1
Why not become a drug addict?
We have nothing to lose.

>OP must be at least 75 chars.
R: 17 / I: 5

Boredom/tedium/anhedonia

I made this thread before and I'm making it again.
I can't take this anymore, bros.
If one day I kill myself it's simply because I was bored. I find life boring. Extremely boring. I suffer from boredom. No matter what I do, I always end up bored out of my mind.
When I was a child/teenager, I was never bored. Watching anime or browsing imageboards were enough for me, but I don't enjoy these things anymore as an adult. Nowadays I don't even know what I do from morning to night. I sometimes read books or watch films but I barely enjoy them. The last book I truly enjoyed was On The Heights Of Despair by Cioran because it was so relatable. I'm even having trouble getting hard when I masturbate because I'm not even horny and I'm doing it simply out of boredom.

Drugs are the only thing that could help me, but I know once I build up tolerance to them, I'd feel bored again.

I'm 25. How can I put up with this shit for 70+ more years if I don't enjoy anything?
R: 164 / I: 8

Drug abuse & Alcoholism General #1

A good portion of us are drug addicts and alcoholics. But no one talks about that. We know our habit is a big portion of our life, but we never talk about that here.

Let's talk about it here.

This has become my main substance of use. I started collecting the vials some months ago. I've probably trashed like 50 vials (over a few months) before I started collecting them.

I got something in my system as much time as I can every single day, I just do it in a sustainable and non-lethal way now. My immediate health has actually considerably improved. I'd prefer I wasn't using, but I love using so much and life just sucks, I can't bear being sober.
R: 11 / I: 0
Nietzsche said: "Better to know nothing than to know half a lot!". this is my case, I wish I was a brainlet than knowings things that doesn't help me in everyday life at all. I wish I was a brainlet. it makes me depressed
R: 58 / I: 5

Suicide

Yes, another suicide thread.
You think that putting my head in the rail it will kill me? like beheading, is the only solution that is painless and fast and reliable. When i am thinking in suicide my tummy hurts, feels like vomiting but not vomiting. I live in Spain, and these are the type of trains, if the guards/police will stop me, i dont know what to do.
R: 90 / I: 2

Traumatic Experiences

Share your various traumatic experiences that still haunts you to this very day.
R: 120 / I: 12

I want to die but don't know how

I'm too scared. Just the thought of it makes me feel fear. I'm scared of dying AND death. I'm afraid of dying painfully. And I'm also afraid of death itself. The thought of non-existence and not being able to think is incomprehensible and scary to me.

So that's what's stopping me. I don't want to feel pain, but even the rope can be extremely painful. The only quick and painless way are guns. A glock 20 to the head is quick and painless. But I can't get guns in my country. But they're only way I want to go.
And even if I had the gun, my fear of death would probably stop me from pulling the trigger.

I don't know what to do…
R: 59 / I: 4
Race-mixing selects for autism. When you cross DNA, what ends-up happening is masculine faced (low forehead/eyebrow) men look hideous to feminine faced (high forehead/eyebrow) succubi as the DNA is no longer the same race. The feminine faced, high-forehead/high-eyebrow men (who are also naturally higher IQ) become preferred. And the feminine faced succubi become too feminine for the men as they are no longer the same DNA. The X chromosome (female, XX) that has evolved from bacteria-to-man to be increased in males (XY) to compensate for increasing amounts of intelligence (steadily higher forehead/eyebrow with more estrogen/feminine bone structure) still prefers the male Y portion of the females as it is closer to the original life (likely pure Y without an X chromosome) and therefor sexually favorable. succubi, which are an increased XX chromosome (half-men), no longer prefer the Y due to the DNA change (they did naturally when racially the same, yet it was wired enough to keep feminine faced succubi from extremely masculine faced men), but still prefer the X as their own X in their XX chromosome has been biologically increased through evolution, and it is closer to the original female life (XX), so it is sexually attractive in other race men (Who have pronounced X in their XY chromosomes relative to other men) as it appears congruous. Having a pronounced X chromosome (high forehead/eyebrow) and being XY (male) relative to an XX female is essentially polish for the male face. In both genders, Men are originally Y and wired for X chromosomes (X chromosomes likely being Y chromosomes doubled over), and succubi are originally XX and wired to be attracted to Y chromosomes, so any blood-mixing soils this forced evolutionary wiring within the race. All that is left behind once the race is gone is sexual attraction to the self (Male XY to Y as the X is largely still Y, female XX to X) (which is in-line with the original asexual life.). Likely, it is so that the sexuality of asexual life is still wired into the brains of all sexual life today as it is the first thing to work with evolution with minor adjustments to prevent too much self-love. So what you see is high forehead males (which are naturally intelligent or else they would be schizophrenic and not reproduce) and low forehead females (which are naturally low IQ), and this creates autism in the offspring as it causes excess gray matter in the brain due to increased intelligence, so someone, male or female, with a low forehead is meant to have a low IQ to keep their brain strong-willed and driven, but because of the race-mixing and sexual selection, it is installing a high IQ into something meant to be low IQ at all times. So it is creating autistic, disabled men without drive for life like Adam Lanza, Westley Dodd, Eric Harris, etc. This is happening because the parents are not the same race. It is extremely likely that the original break from XX to XY sexual/love attraction created indifference in love which was selected by evolution into homicide based off of small genetic distances.
R: 192 / I: 20
why do people care if i have a job or not? i am a neet because i inherited enough money to not work for a while, my rent is 360 and i have a 150k, i could live like this for 5 years and not make a meaningful dent but everyone around me (family) bitches at me saying i should get a job, but why? why are normies so obsessed with work and being "productive" dont they want to be comfy as well?
R: 32 / I: 2
I can't fucking take people. I think if I was the only human alive I would at least lead a simple and content existence. But that's not the case and people just plague me. I hate them. I hate you. I've tried being open minded, I thought maybe I'm the problem. No, I just hate people. I can't stand their insipid thoughts and opinions. I want them to leave me alone. But as long as I'm here on the earth with the other 9 billion of them that seems impossible. Why can't I love people? I want to be able to sit and talk with someone without the feeling that I should leave or that they deserve their head caved in. How does anyone stand each other? I can't even fathom it. I just want lobotomy pills that will make me too stupid to even know what everyone else is saying.
R: 12 / I: 0

Euthanasia from oppressors - struggling

My mum announced that she wants to euthanize after my 30th before Christmas. It was unthinkable and toxic. I suspect she does want to rape. I have an uncle out of prison that is on meth. I have never been anything but a suicidal threat to myself until recently when I had a leucotomy and got clean for me from the stuff. Now, she cannot stop with the genocide of my cortex and children. Ever. The royals euthanasia scandal on NBC was perpetrated by us and is neatly swept under a rug, though aggression, rape and unwanted marriage continues with a suspension on repeat sections. CMH is trying to euthanize too, at 32. They're genocidal, the lot. I lament her continued vestment in aggressive action in harmful interests. I lament continued media coverage. She used to 5150 and have me raped by her in psychiatric hold. Now she fosters no sexual interest - and they want me dead instead. I need help that only the president can offer. To think that I was married thrice unjustly and tortured by the euthanist in Kalamazoo rectifies my means to freedom and life. I sit and frown at the unwanted discourse. I feel - it is them driving me to my alcoholism. A bunch of dastardly addicts that inhibit continuation of my constitutionally protected rights for personal ease. I hate people and need to shut them out, I get so sick and vomit at refusal of decency that I'll charge. Fuck normalfags.
R: 22 / I: 1

Started caring about money with age?

I feel like I trolled myself.

In my 20s I had a depressed monk mindset where I didn't feel like I needed more than a computer with internet access so I didn't have much motivation to work if I don't enjoy it and lived not thinking about the future.

Now that I turned 30 I got bored of the internet because I feel like all the interactions and content there just repeats themselves, I stopped watching anime which was a cheap way of entertainment, I feel like I watched all the interesting movies and the new ones suck.

I started watching a lot of youtube and got exposed to all kinds of niche obsessive communities that are about perfecting something. For example I was happy using a $10 keyboard all my life and now I started looking at $300+ keyboards. I didn't care about how my room looked but now I wish I could move out and decorate it properly and give it an actual aesthetic but that would require money.

But years of not doing anything not only left me with 0 skills and an empty CV but also lazy habits that seem impossible to change.
R: 120 / I: 13

In this thread we are going to look for the cure for depression

I have no proof or medical studies to show that this is the case, but I also have no doubts. I believe that to get out of depression, tiredness, fatigue and all that shit, you first have to work your body, since a healthy body is a healthy mind, for that it is good to do sports, whatever it is. it is as long as it keeps our body busy. Another important factor is studying, it doesn't really matter what, it doesn't matter if it's for university, school or for yourself, you have to do it to keep your mind occupied with something productive. I would also say that looking for a job, or generating income with a startup, as this will keep our mind and body busy, while giving us money, in itself gives us a reason to keep going, especially when you are working on something of your own.

Another important point is to stop comparing yourself to others, stop thinking that the other is better than you because you have more knowledge, money or physical condition. It is also very silly to think about issues such as superiority or inferiority, we are all human, we all have problems and difficulties in life, of course there are degrees of this, but this does not have to be a limitation. You have to focus on yourself, on your problems, on your virtues, on your life, and not on that of others.

Another issue is guilt and remorse, which depending on the person can be the easiest part, or difficult to overcome, because it is easy to forgive others, but sometimes it is difficult, if not impossible, to forgive yourself. No matter how dirty your hands are, they can always be cleaned. You have to accept your sins, accept what you did wrong and live with it. Go to a priest, a psychologist, or tell someone you trust what you did, this can help, it doesn't matter if you think psychology is a joke, or if you don't believe in God, the important thing is to somehow get the weight off What are you wearing.

My least favorite part of this thread is going to a psychiatrist and being prescribed medication, which in itself sucks. But these in some cases are necessary to be able to do the above. Non-magical drugs, and you can't expect them to solve all your problems, but they are a great supplement to doing some of the steps mentioned in this thread.
R: 44 / I: 3
>As a kid everyone thought I was a good boy with a bright future but then….
Holy crap this is accurate.
R: 108 / I: 6

Regrets over wasting life on useless Ch*mistry degree or any useless degree for that matter

I wish I studied STEM or IT instead, There's simply no jobs anymore for chemists out there. Take a look around, most people that call themselves 'chemists' haven't been able to hold on to a job for longer than 5-8 years. In fact, I bet most of the people I run into in the chemical industry have had 3, 4, or more jobs within the past decade. How can one ever expect to buy a house or be able to save for health insurance with that kind of job insecurity? The only thing this worthless degree in chemistry has gotten me are permatemp jobs with no benefits for $18/hr. I regret every single day of my life wasting time and money on this worthless chemistry degree. At this rate, it'll only take me the next 25 years between temp job after temp job to payoff all these student loans. I've done job search after job search and the only jobs out there are for A.)temps and B.) terribly mundane, boring, and low paying QC or method development work. There's a reason why there are so many listings for quality control/analysis/method development work–it's because people hate doing it and quit not long after starting which forces companies to constantly rehire.

For anyone who is reading this and has an interesting in the field, stay absolutely clear of chemistry and biology. It is a TERRIBLE career. There's never ending wave after wave of layoffs after companies get done their projects that fail after 5 years, more and more companies have moved to hiring people as low paid permatemps from the third world with no benefits, and there is literally no job security. If you truly love science that much, just be prepared to never be able to own a house or buy something nice every once in while because you will constantly be under the threat of job loss and may have to relocate at any time on a whim. would be better to have a back up plan–go to trade school, earn an accounting degree in parallel, or work for your state's police dept. etc. etc. Anything but trying to be a chemist is better. Believe me, if you try to delve into this crapfest you'll get to know the names like ManPower, Kelly Services, or Aerotek quite well as a permatemp.

Getting a PhD barely helped me either. I spent years and years slaving away doing worthless post doc after post doc for borderline poverty wages to have almost a slim to none chance at getting an academic position. A PhD in industry gets you almost no where these days also, I am simply be "too overqualified" for many positions.
R: 2 / I: 0
>Parents keep asking how I'm doing keep just saying I'm fine saying anything else will just worry them for no good reason
>Read this reddit story about this succubus who told her autistic asshole brother to fuck off and he killed himself because he couldn't take it all throughout the post she's talking about how her family is doing better since his death although she wouldn't say it again but that she also wouldn't wish him back to life
>Reinforces my anti natalist beliefs realize I'm probably like that asshole kid only instead of being an asshole I just never make any progress
>In therapy group for exposure for my anxiety
>Have meds
>Don't take them scared of what they will do to me
I scream into the void everyday and I don't hear anything back
R: 168 / I: 10

Natural born passivness and lack of assertivness?

I turned 28 years old this year. And feels hit me.
I hate my life. I hate my retarded upbringing. I hate my disabilities, which I was born with. I hate most of my memories. I hate people, who are similar to people that harmed me in the past. I hate my weak mentality.
But on the contrary, I m a weird person at the same time I feel lot of hatred towards humanity, but also I m emphatic guy with love inside.

In this world, in my situation I have 2 main enemies. Enemy inside of me and enemy outside. Enemy inside of my is my weak, passive mentality, which I was born with. Enemy outside are people who hate guys like me and who like to destroy person like me.
I cant change my mentality much, when I m already 28 years old.
My parents made many mistakes, when they breeded me. They teach me nothing useable. They taught me only useless and retarded stuff like:
>Always say good morning, when you see teacher, or some of my parents friends (that is retarded shit, they just wanted to make me polite). And polite men are just weaklings, who everyone makes fun of and they are never treated with seriousness
>They never taught me how to deal with bullies
>Never taught me that I should be assertive
>Never taught me anything, they just gave me food and shelter and forced me to go school, they didnt really care if I feel good at school, whether I get bullied, or not.
Some people should never have children. But at the same time I must say, even if parents are incompepetent, but child doesnt have dissabilities like me, he still has chances to be normal.
R: 49 / I: 4
What do you think causes child prodigies to kill themselves in adolescene/young adult years?

Was reading this https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2006/01/16/prairie-fire and it had such a profound effect on me.
R: 28 / I: 1

Any Canadians going to MAID themselves next march?

Im thinking about it, dont have much to look forward too in this life. I work for no future, no friends, will never be in a relationship because im fucked in the head and look like a bridge troll. Whats there to stop me from maiding myself honestly?
R: 13 / I: 1

Just came back to wizchan after a few years

The difference Ive noticed is that there are a ton of moralfags trying to push people into therapy or convince people not to go through with it. it gives me a fake feeling like they have an ulterior evil motive. you really cant even talk on wizchan without the demons crawling around lurking and watching and waiting to attack
R: 13 / I: 0

Feeling tired all the time

I feel tired at all times, my limbs feel like lead weights, and just walking 10 feet to the bathroom causes tachycardia. I am not fat and eat quite healthy, I've also tried avoid caffeine and stuff like that but it doesn't even matter. Am I the only person suffering from this? This condition makes me depressed, I want to do things but I physically can't enjoy doing anything that requires me to stand or even just sit up, so I just lay in bed all day
R: 6 / I: 0

Does anyone else suffer from this?

Its like whenever I begin to enjoy something it just instantly goes away, like I can enjoy a book or a movie but as soon as I become conscious of it my brain zaps it away, it has started becoming worse…

Its not only that either I can't remember anything as well as I used to I can't conversate or be interesting anymore, I used to be so intelligent a couple of years ago, I used to get into arguments online and make funny jokes that were witty one day someone told me I was actually funny so it started fading away I cannot be complimented on a trait I have without it being zapped away wtf is wrong with me??!
R: 12 / I: 1

It just won't stop

This thread probably had been made over a million times on the internet and I suppose now is my turn. It'll be very long so if you don't want to read I'd understand. I will probably try another board if I don't get any answer so don't be surprised if you see my story somewhere else in the following months. I've lurked around here for about 3 years now and I feel like there's a chance I could get an answer here. Still I doubt I will find a definitive answer here, or at all. I guess I'm desperate.

Long story short, I'm extremely addicted to PMO. Or even MO. I've read Your brain on porn and the easy peasy method twice. I've probably tried to stop porn over a hundred time. In fact, I'm CONSTANTLY trying to stop. Half the time I PMO I tell myself "okay one or two times and then I stop". I also tried to "regulate" (whatever that means) my addiction (I know it doesn't work). I'm 25 now, I have been a NEET since I'm 16 or 17, I was still registered at high school but didn't go anymore. You can say that at 19 I was officially a NEET because since I never worked, never studied, talked to anyone my age, nothing. I have other health issues that I won't detail here. I never had any friend, any girlfriend, in fact apart from my parents I don't talk to anyone. The path for me to be a wizard is rather unavoidable at that point.

So back to the main topic… I started masturbating very early, around 7 or 8 years old. Fun fact, I'm circumcised. So much about circumcision avoiding masturbating… I wouldn't even ejaculate at that point but still did it more and more often! It started with prone masturbation and I never masturbated in a normal way, like NEVER. I tried but couldn't get an erection "normally". I'm just unable to get an erection with my hands and keep it. Around 11 or 12 years old it basically became daily. It might have been daily before that, but it's the first occurence I remember where I masturbated myself at least once a day. During middle and high school, I easily masturbated up to 3 times a day during school, and over 5 times a day during holidays. When I watched porn, I edged as much as possible. So I literally spent months of holidays masturbating, and edging.

The lack of motivation caused by PMO is HUGE. The amount of laziness it causes is unbelieable. I successfully stopped 2 weeks at best, and when I did my daily life improved soooo much. I'm not talking about my life, I'm not saying I got superpowers only that my DAILY life improved immensely. The feeling of being free to do play video games or watch anime was just so good. Yes, I had the chance to spend a few days at time without feeling the need after reading the easy peasy methods. My creativity just bumps. I know I'll stay a NEET but at least I can occupy myself, try to go on walks, watch movies or even read a book, yes!

But sadly, the inevitable comes back. Every single of the hundreth time I tried to stop I can back at it. At times I saw myself screaming on my cushion as I was masturbating.

That's not the whole story. I'm not going into detail now but the material I have to look for to masturbate is extremely rare and time-consuming. Nothing illegal but I still needed to mention it to really emphasize on the fact that the masturbation and the search for material could last for an entire day, and I spent months doing only that.

The more I masturbate, the more weak I am, both physically and mentally. I feel even more depressed and just do nothing. But when I prevent myself from masturbating, I have side effets too. Hands shaking, unability to see right, intense sweat, nervousness, etc. I've seen my hands shaking, my vision turn dim and my inability to focus on anything until I coomed. Even when searching for porn I was in that state, hands shaking and my vision focusing on one point as I was searching for my folders. When I finally get my MO, my belly starts to be painful, both stomach and intestine. I wonder why but I believe it's because due to my position, my abs contract in a weird way or something. My penis also gets painful because of how much pressure it had been put under. By now I'm thinking of seeing an urologist because I have recurrent pain there and I pee over 20 times a day.

As you see, I'm far, far from the so called "beneficial masturbation" I hear everywhere on the internet. I didn't even went through all the problems MO has caused me. At this point I don't want to stop this to get a proper life like I hoped in my late teens. I just want to stop spending time hurting myself. I'm just sick of it.

This post is the only thing I've produced this week.

If you have any question I would gladly answer them but I really would like to hear your take on that subject and more precisely your own experience with this whatever your opinion is.
R: 37 / I: 3

Depression from trauma?

Anyone else get this? I'm depressed because of traumatic things happening to me in the past; I'm still the same scared little boy inside despite my attempts to prove to myself otherwise. I've heard of depression being described as "aggression turned inward" and I identify with that. I just wish I wasn't so angry at myself for getting bullied that I refuse to do anything to help myself because "what's the point?" I already got bullied anyway and I'm a husk of who I used to be much less, who I could be".
R: 55 / I: 1

THINGS HIT HARD

So, it's second of January 2023, and I'm 28 years old, soon to be 29, and I'm starting to wonder why, I don't know if it's the closing of my 20s that finally start to sinking in, a lot of dumb decision, wrong ideas and overall stupid behavior in my part since I was a little kid. I'm a NEET right now, but thing are coming to a close to me, parents are pushing me to do something about it, but I don't want to spent my years as wageslave, I truly don't know, and I'm full of regrets about things, I'm starting planning to rope myself at my 29th birthday, it wasn't a bad life, but not great either, wish I was born different like the normal guys that I saw when I grow up and in college, they seems to work through thing with such effortless, and I struggle a lot of emotional things, my mother is bipolar and I have a uncle that suffer from mental illness too, maybe I do have a mental illness, don't know, just want peace of mind and spirit, life is struggle mentally and emotionally for me, even though I have a comfortable life, and I do acknowledge that a lot of dumb shit that happen to me was my fault. I truly don't know, I wish to finally have a understand of why I have that life I have and why I'm the way that I'm.

Just a random rambling, need to get it out.
R: 24 / I: 2
I live with my parents and I'm an only son. I'm a psychiatric patient too, I need meds to function.

My parents separated some days ago. I lived the same exact scenario when I was a kid. My father cheated on my mom, my dad left, I became content, the succubi left him and he came back, got depressed and I never got out of that depressive "episode".

The exact same thing might happen again. I am remembering all the trauma of that moment I had buried. I don't have to explain why I hate my parents or my father or how they influenced me into turning into a wizard, or how being around my parents negatively impacts my mental health, no one will read it. I just feel disoriented and I got no one to talk to and I'm trying to calm down.
R: 24 / I: 0

Suicide

I live with my parents and they are npcs, the only good part is that in a box they have plenty of meds, like nolotil. I am planning write a suicide note and then swallow all the meds and hang myself, if hanging doesnt does it, the meds will. Also, before of the idea of the hanging i had the idea to burn myself, put the lighter in my chest and wait to reach the heart and burn it. Who is the best idea? I heared that with hanging you can stay 45 min waiting to death
R: 33 / I: 4
I love you all, you're the closest thing to genuine friends I've ever had and I genuinely care and worry about every single one of you.

I don't give a fuck if my feelings are unrequited. I still love you all.

My disdain for life has transcended to heights I didn't believe exist. I don't want to make keep living (again, for the 99th time).
R: 13 / I: 3

Doing literally nothing all day

I spent the last years doing practically nothing all day. Usually when people say they are unproductive they mean watching tv shows, playing video games or partying. But in my case I am literally just wasting the most precious resource, time. I can't even remember what I was doing years ago. I think I was mostly browsing imageboards reading about topics I didn't even know nothing about like cars. I would read about cars when I have no license, a fear of driving and no money for one anyways. I kept reading surface level information about a topic that lead me nowhere. Like why am I watching a buyers guide video for a car when I can't even afford one? Or I read and watched reviews of retro games but never played any when that was something in reach thanks to emulation. Then I also played the same online trading card game while browsing imageboards or watching random youtube videos or rewatching a tv show for the nth time. Once I got a decent computer I also spent most of the time playing the same online fps but very badly since I only played it to pass the time so I never put in the effort to improve and I also played alone with no mic so I never improved on the strategy aspect either. Two years ago I also discovered twitch streams which makes it easy to have always something to watch without having to constantly look for new youtube videos or tv shows.

Now I feel super weird because I have this big gap in my life that I can't even explain. I can't talk to anyone because I got 0 life experience and only surface level knowledge of anything.

How common is this? I just feel exceptionally stupid for wasting my "best years" like this. Sure I didn't feel too great back then. I had trouble focusing and felt tired but now it's even worse. The silly thing is that I have a lot of interests but no drive and focus to dive deep into any of them. I feel like I am wasting living in the 21th century in a 1st world country with access to free knowledge and cheap tools for expressing creativity and creating stuff. Like I could have learned drawing, sculpting, electronics, programing and make cool stuff and maybe even earn money from home.
R: 17 / I: 0
>I don't want to read my books/manga
>I don't want to play video games on steam
>I don't want to do anything
>wizardchan is too slow to get entertain from it
>I don't want to watch tv
>I don't want to go out
>I don't want to start a new thing because I'm a brainlet

is this what you call depression?
R: 8 / I: 0

prepping for no healtcare

Healthcare is in a global collapse. and more to the point;in a national collapse for me in here. Private one is a rich thing,I CAN afford it,but why should I HAVE to make such a significant sacrifice for it?
what are some "beer money" and back-alley surgeon ways to prepp for health survival?
antibioctics?torniquet equipment for blunt trauma? what about slashes\cuts? Dental health?
please understand the dire straits im in.
R: 15 / I: 1

getting my shit together

Im literally mentally handicapped so Im stuck living with parents for a while(pls fuck paying rent)
I have asked ,by myself,my parents to help use internet only 90 minutes a day. I will NOT use that time for forums\social media\shitposting..just for anime ,comics,webnovels etc
Im also trying to perfect and limit my sleep to strict 8 hours,not free-running.I sleep 10 hours and its bad sleep.
I am declutterning,organizing,giftin away, my stuff as proper in each case,and tyring to get rid of all my rooms furniture.
Im also working hard towards holding a Qualified job,and once i get it,excelling at it

am i doing it right?how do I proceed?what pitfalls must I avoid?

I also should shower twice a day(as soon as i wake up and before i go to sleep) and shave after\while i shower daily. I like to collect my nail clippings and play with them,until they get lost and then I wait for nail growth again. this is extremely gross,i know..i should stop.
I also memed myself into developing an energy drink addiction,which I need to Adress and im -slightly- overweight. 2 hours a day of healthy,vigorous excercise is needed.
also monies ;saving,or investing,or spending a bit on some salutary fun item or activity. I already faced reality:I wont be able to buy my own house,IF i survive my parents ill just inherit theirs ,where we all live together now. Rergarding us living together:I now close my door when I go to sleep,however I feel this is too much temptation as im recovering from PMO. I seek literal and strict celibacy,even of the mind. so maybe open door sleep is best.

im trying to re-organized my life and put it all o working,functional order within 63 days.
R: 54 / I: 1
Everyone here is extremely self-aware of their symptoms. But people are only vaguely aware they are mentally ill.

Most of you complain about boredom, depression, apathy and stuff like that. Barely no one specifically talks about clinical depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia or BPD.

Why is that? What's the purpose of identifying your symptoms and whine about them instead of seeking treatment and improvement? If you had diabetes wouldn't you want your health to improve? Mental health is no different and is more serious than stuff like diabetes.
R: 16 / I: 1

sleep dep. for 72 hours every 2 weeks

I decided I will pull off a "fast from sleep" of 72 hours,every 2 weeks. Every 2 weeks, I wont sleep for 3- days,then probably take 2 days of 10-hour sleep, and then resume my 4 hour a day sleep schedule.
Anyone else here ,have exp. with creative\spiritual sleep abstinence?
I feel its even healthier to do this. And I crave to do it,since it seems you can astralmaxx in all sorts of ways trough this practice.
R: 308 / I: 33

Depression Crawl Thread XLIX

Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.

Previous: >>267681
R: 6 / I: 1

coof

I finally did it, I managed to get COVID positive. How can I weaken my immune system enough for this to kill me? I have enough access to viral load because my grandparents are sick. How can I end it finally?
R: 26 / I: 0
I can't handle this anymore.
I don't think I can keep on living.
I'm sick of being so unsuccessful and unskilled at everything in my life, of losing to others even when I do something for a longer time than them.
I'm sick of being ugly.
I'm sick of the severe bullying that I went through in school and the fact that noone stopped it or cared.
I'm sick of getting older and feeling more and more unaccomplished.

I'm sick of having to be careful with what I write online because the internet is more public than real life.

I can't hide how I feel anymore these days, I cried in the streets today like a loser. All I do is cry.
Fuck everything.
R: 11 / I: 0

Violence

I've been violent for as long as I can remember, hitting, and breaking things every time I got angry. I grew up in a very violent environment, I'm not trying to justify myself, but it's ugly to know that over time one imitates that kind of behavior. Over time I became more authoritarian, and more violent, so I tried to make the arguments not affect me so much, so I went to a psychiatrist, in short, now I am taking an antiepileptic, and two antidepressant drugs.
I don't really feel sad, I don't feel guilty about what I did either, I know my hands are dirty, very dirty, but that's not why I hate myself, I don't feel that apathy characterized by depression either.

So I wanted to ask you, can antidepressants help against violence? I really want to stop taking them because they made me gain a lot of weight, and I feel like I can't cry anymore. If you also have anger problems, it would be good if you shared your experience.
R: 306 / I: 26

Suicide General IV: fantasizing

So, uh, state your best excuses to not suicide here. Seems like no one bothered to make a new thread
R: 20 / I: 1
I know we're all asking this, but I have to know. What is the best suicide meathod? I cant get a gun where I am. I tried sodium nitrite but I puked it all up. I'm a drug addict who cant get heroin.
R: 43 / I: 5

Suicide

I´m planning to kill myself, the best option that i have is jumping of a fourth flat. It will kill me? I don´t want to remain like stephen hawking for my entire life.
R: 6 / I: 0

Another new year of the same old shit

Just seen the new year in but struggling to see much point in carrying on
for over 20 years now I've made excuses to carry on new films to watch things to see experiences to uh..experience
But lately these last few years things are becoming more and more futile I carried on in the hope that things would get better but the trauma I carry from childhood makes it so so hard
I've got a good job but I couldn't care less about that not when my friends have gotten fewer and fewer and I come to the realisation that my family just couldn't care less
Nobody has even botherd to contact me over this festive period I've known for a while it's always me reaching out to others but this year I just didn't have the energy
I'm so so tired of feeling like this of fighting to keep my head above water trying and trying to get better and improve myself and my situation but just get knocked backwards at almost every step
I can't see any likihood of improvement to my lot not now not after all these years and am quite ready to just give In to this shadow this urge this want I've carried since I was 7

I'm quite ready for this to be the last year I see in……
R: 26 / I: 1

Christmas thread

another shitty year, tell me yours problems anon

happy… chris-chris… whatever
R: 1 / I: 0
I keep watching this documentary obsessively. There's something haunting about a abandoned Siberian city plagued by corruption poverty and rampant drug addiction. Everything in this video is so fucking depressing, from the buildings to the weather to the wasted lives and poverty. I guarantee that higher beings exist that cursed Russia as a frozen hell, it just doesn't even seem real that life is so bad.
Everything in this video especially (and by extension Russia) seems to have some hidden evil behind the veil. This is the true nature of reality in most places, day to day objective reality has some sort of overwhelming evil hidden in it similar to a invisible void.
You already died, this is hell.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JsUH8llvTZo
R: 15 / I: 3

My memory is getting bad. I’m blanking out

Almost gotten into car wrecks at least 3 times this past month, twice I was turning right and was positive there was no one coming.
I keep forgetting the last 4 digits of my number, that I have to use to log into work. During work I’ll forget peoples orders and have to reask. They always give me strange looks, like, “dude, I just told you that.” I know, I’m sorry.
I forgot if my grandpa was dead or not. I had a feeling enough to question it, but it took a while to dig back far enough in my mind to recall events that proved his death.
Today, I parked on the side of the street and saw my neighbors truck back up. I looked away for nothing more than second and then their truck was gone. There’s a stop sign at the end of the road, it’d ordinarily be impossible for it to get away so fast.
I forget if I put things in the right place. I always have to double check, did I put my phone in the charger? Did I turn off the tv? I don’t remember doing those things.
I’m slowly, slowly forgetting every piece of knowledge I’ve accumulated. All the history I read, math I did, everything
I’m worried
R: 8 / I: 1

im not gay but im becoming a chickenhack

And he (may Allaah have mercy on him) also said:

The one who looks repeatedly at a beardless youth and the like, or persists in that, and says “I am not looking with desire” is lying, because if he has no need to look, then he is only looking because of the pleasure that he feels in his heart as a result. As for an accidental glance, it is forgiven, if he averts his gaze.

Majmoo’ al-Fataawa (15/419) and (21/251).

The kind of looking with which these sick people are afflicted includes what they watch on satellite channels and what they see in newspapers and magazines, and on websites, of pictures of children and beardless young men, and this is what provokes them to commit immoral actions.

>im not muslim…just illustrating a point

How do I overcome this shit? Even tho I "technically" do nofap:Noporn,nofap, I DO indulge in poisonous kinds of forbidden gazing and sexual inmortality of thought and gaze. I regularly watch\look at kpop boybands, pinterest boyd,femboys,thinspos,grunge boys,etc…All beardless,hairless of course. But I suffer guilt and beat myself up mentally and spiritually becuase of it
R: 13 / I: 0
I used to beg my classmates in school for food because my parents wouldn't buy me food, they didn't care, they already ate out by themselves 3 times a day and that's all that mattered to them. My parents used to come home from work and just hit me for about an hour which was about how long it took them to get tired every single daye, for absolutely no reason. They would literally take turns hitting me for no reason. And then they would lock the door to my room and tell me to sleep and if they heard any noise, they would come in and hit me more, usually this noise was me crying. One of my earliest memories is my mother undressing me when I was a little child while simultaneously beating me because I didn't want her to pull my foreskin, I told her in tears "you're not my mother" and she said "how dare you" and then she hit me harder, then she went to the bathroom, and my father took over hitting me, then she came back later and hit me even harder again. BTW, the reason she wanted to pull my foreskin was because they didn't wash me when I was a baby, so filth accumulated in my foreskin and it shut tight, and eventually a pediatrician saw this and prescribed a cream that had to be applied to my foreskin to clean it, and the procedure involved trying to force the foreskin to come down every day which was very painful. I literally jam furniture behind my bedroom's door every single night to prevent them from coming in to wake me up in the evening. I already called the police on my father twice.

My parents ruined my life, at least they minimally atone for it by having me live off of them. But if one day they come into my room and say they won't pay for my living anymore while simultaneously still not letting me sleep or get anything done because they spend the entire day screaming, nagging, and making noise, then their usefulness has ended, and I will kill them.
R: 17 / I: 1

Lack of motivation

Lately I lack the motivation to do even the most basic of tasks, I spend most of the day sleeping and I often even forget about eating
R: 1 / I: 0
I hate living with my parents. Every single interaction I have with them has an hostile tone. My parents know I'm a psychiatric patient and they just make things more complicated for me.

Last month, our hostility has ceased and we're neutral, parents have agreed to lend me a hand until I move out within the next months. I'm just milking whatever I can without being too obvious, I might occasionally eat from their food, get carpooled or similar shit.


When I move out I'll just cut communication forever. Just being around my parents make me extremely angry.
R: 306 / I: 37

Wageslave General

return to tradition edition

previous >>264658
R: 20 / I: 1
post your an hero music
R: 23 / I: 3

Accelerationism / Ecosystem Collapse

1.) Use https://www.websitecarbon.com/ to find some of the worst-designed websites on the internet with the highest carbon footprint per visitor.

2.)Create a .bat file that automatically opens over 30 of these cesspit URLs in four different web browsers simultaneously.

3.) Release approximately 100g of carbon dioxide in 30 seconds simply by double-clicking a file and leaving all the sites to load.

4.) Offend Greta Thunberg.
R: 49 / I: 4
How do I cope with being unable to fap for medical reasons while being a virgin and an extreme anti social person?
R: 1 / I: 0

I think I'm having sociopathic thoughts

Sometimes I wish my parents would suddenly die so I can be miserable alone.

I think it's being selfish so I can justify my self loathing even more but if my parents did die I'd probably rope. I depend on them so much
R: 178 / I: 9

anti depressants

please post your experiences with anti depressants here

i'm starting on them (Citalopram) tomorrow and im scared that ill gain weight from it
R: 15 / I: 0

Parental death

Wizards whose parents have died: what happened? What do you do when they die? Any advice?
- How do you live life without your parents around? Who/What do you do to figure out basic shit that you were never taught?
- What do you literally do when they die? You call up a funeral home? Like what actually happens and what do you have to do with their remains and estate and the rest?
Also, how are you supposed to act when your parents die?
R: 10 / I: 0

sage it

I am starting to accept and consider I could have schizophrenia. I already have Clinical Depression (severe and recurrent, not the episodic one) and severe BPD.

It has gotten to the point I've stopped talking to others, when someone engages me I'm permanently aggressive and I can't snap out of it, it has been months. I stopped eating with colleagues more seriously, now I just avoid them. I don't talk to my parents, I don't even trust them either. I can't trust anyone. I unfriended the few online "friends" I had. I stopped talking to acquaintances. I hide if I notice someone that could recognize me.

I extremely hate people, they only bring pain and despair. I don't care if it's my fault, their fault or no one's fault, they just bring suffering to me.

I'm severely mentally ill and I live in a poor place. Got no welfare, no one will take care of me, parents despise me, I am an only son, I am forced to work and completely sustain myself despite the severity of symptoms, my parents are both sick. I am permanently taking meds just to function at work. If I snap I stop eating, grooming myself or going out of my room, and I just snap more often, despite being more "stable" in stuff like keeping a job or cooking my own food.

I am permanently scared of people and I can't snap out of it, I just get paranoid more day after day. I am intensely depressed, angry and scared right now, all at the same time. I can't stop crying right now. My parents will eventually hear me cry and will scream at me. My living situation is extremely painful, it's not the worse one but it's still painful.

>nice attentionwhoring

Just hide the thread. I am disoriented and this is my only outlet for trying to calm down, I don't socialize with anyone else, only with you.
R: 36 / I: 1

dying from health problems

I'm 28, when I was 16 I got into amphetamines and I've pretty much completely fried my brain. I managed to quit everything but the damage still remains. My body and mind are totally ruined. I'm a shell of my former self. I can't even enjoy rotting in my room all day, nothing is pleasurable, everything tastes like cardboard. I'm losing my hair and my dick doesn't work anymore. I have diabetes, chronic fatigue, impotency, severe depression, anhedonia and chronic pain in my neck and lower back. I think In a year I'll probably be bed ridden.
if anyone's overcome addiction, health problems from addiction, can you give me any advice?
R: 21 / I: 1

"The problem is with you, anon"

After being rejected overwhelmingly in several situation thru life, I cannot still understand the real motive, and thinking objectively cannot reach any other conclusion than it being due how stupid normals are. I usted to feel a shame that got vanished thru years yet I feel still that some of it remains in the deep zones of my mind… The toxic idea of "the problem being yours, anon" brought by peer pressure only gets you wrecked while normgroids are just being psychotically mean. Like pulling through my mind an idea like a stab, as if attempting to make me even more miserable while the numbers against me are an undeniable proof of me being… whatever I be, which they see and I don't. Blaming me for their malignity, for the sake of killing my already lowered spirit.

As an easy example: after earning low karma enough at reddit, definitely I don't come but to conclude that such place is a toxic pit of bitter, self-deceiving cattle, they just gather there knowing that numbers will support them, even within subreddits that are supposedly far far away from normalidiocy.

Share thoughts.
R: 9 / I: 0

GROWING OLD

Growing old is awful, I'm a 28 years old NEET and I'm starting to get afraid of hitting my 30s, and the decline get even more awful after your 30s, I'm can't deal with it, bros.
R: 28 / I: 4

I still long for a friend

I know it's something to be ashamed of, but I always held friendship in high regard. To have a true friend is to have a soulmate no succubus could ever compete with. And I had people I connected with, and thought of them as friends, but they always neglect and betray our friendship in the end. Forget the girlfriends, one could live a happy life without sex if only he'd have a true friend.
You're the only people I can talk about this, so I guess you're my friends.
R: 15 / I: 0
I want to talk about something strange that happens to me often.

I'm shy, introverted and I also detest people as I have seen the worst in them so I never bother to talk to anyone when I leave the house.

The problem is, when I go to a place a good number of times, something always happens.
It starts with looks that I can see with my side vision, then it's a joke between two people nearby in which they don't mention it's about me but I'm 100% sure it is and then sadly it might escalate to full blown harassment, humiliation, bullying.. I don't even know.

This is all because I never make any friends anywhere and thus I have no allies. I'm too neutral and when I'm too neutral it doesn't mean I'm safe. It means I'm up for grabs.

My newest problem is happening at a gym that I go to. Yes, I'm trying to get physically strong so I can beat the shit out of people that pick on me or at least have a higher change at defending myself successfully. I'm also too poor to have a home gym so I have to suck it up.

There is a small group of people that I'm pretty sure don't like me in that gym. It all started because I farted silently while deadlifting something heavy and I saw the guy waving his hand like a hand fan behind me.

I'm worried that these people confront me or start to mock me and I don't know how I should react.
Fucking cunts. It's like waiting for a bomb to explode.

Has anyone ever gone through something like this?
What is the explanation to something like this?
How does a person fix something like this?
I will not be submissive or kiss anyone's ass by the way.
R: 8 / I: 0
how do I LEAVE the INTERNET?
and vidya. and netflix..electronics,cellphone even.
How??i cant stay up ,pulling an all-nighter,glued to my screen. no,non,nein! It has to be a pure sleep deprivation,unaided by any electricity.
but I dwell upon addiction to the blue-light screen. my life IS sitting in a chair..this has to change,it must!
but the vice cripples me. heed me,give me advice,rescue me.
R: 79 / I: 11

is my personal philosophy destroying my life?

I have the philosophy that for an act to have moral merit,the opposite deed must be realistically attainable.
for example: being peaceful and not killing someone who skrewed you up,is only morally valuable if you CAN kill him
sobriety is only praiseworthy if you can access hard booze

I recently bought a gun with ammo, I confirmed I still crave(cartoon) porn so Im refraining from looking at it.I even got some strong benzos and vodka in a corner.
am I harvesting a breeding ground for disaster?
R: 86 / I: 5

Vent Thread

Its kind of difficult these days, living is naturally a pain unless you are ignorant?

1.You must always do the "right" thing

Lets talk about whats right and whats wrong.
For someone to perceive whats right whats wrong, he/she needs to have a purpose,
(an end destination)

when you have an end destination you can know if you are doing the right or wrong by checking it logically.


with the end destination you could follow a series of logical steps to reach it.

what is logic?
logic is relation.
you relate everything that is new, to a past crystallized mental framework.

any logic you use, at the simplest level it comes down to axioms.

Mathematics is the only thing that relates to our reality almost flawlessly.
Can you imagine a universe where 1+1 is 3?

if something exists; it already means 1
1 has already happened.
1 is the reality you are living in.

of course you could make an argument about certainty of this statement,
i will not negate it but i will call it absurd (non negative way)

if everything was uncertain, the statement "everything is uncertain" is also uncertain.

2.Problem of being a skinbag

when you are a living organism, you already have a purpose fit into your system; grow, reproduce and spread genes (darwinian theory)
still not saying its completely certain that darwin is right, its just intuitive to think.

the byproducts of this is emotions,
irrationalism

as we live as a group and we feel the "want" to reproduce and domniate

we created "money" which means value;
"want" = money

how much of what we want determines its value.

>> So, the problem of being a skinbag is you will always "want" something and as "want" is interchangable as a piece of paper or crypto


being human only makes you irrational,
because you give in to emotions every minute;
its inescapable.

even if you want not to be depressed, whats the point in not being depressed? and whats the point in being depressed?

the fine line between optimism and pessimism is being dead;

i have never met anyone who had loved me just because "yes";

even in love we sense ulterior motives;

there is always an ulterior motive;
even when the person is saying the truth, he isn't.
because we are extremely good at lying to ourselves.

Whats the point of this all?
Suddenly one day i opened my eyes
and i am in this world with a set of rules and bullshit?

ok; you made me exist now what? atleast give me some superpowers like some isekai anime shit

no; you are retarded, ugly and you cant communicate with others

you ever seen movies and wonder why is it the ugly one is the antagonist?

I dont wish to exist;
R: 16 / I: 0

Energy

How do most people manage to do so much in day, it would take me a week at best to do a fraction of what they can do.
Not necessarily talking about tiredness but i have practically 0 energy to do almost anything, its been like this for years.
0 desire for anything besides mindlessly switching between tabs, any sudden urge to do something else quickly fizzles out when attempting it.
Is this normal? doesn't feel like it. Am i stuck this way from years of being a mindless neet with no hobbies? Is it gradual brainrot?
Aside from that how to most people manage to do so much, it almost seems superhuman if i managed to do what they see as normal day to day activities
R: 11 / I: 1

How can you waste so much time?

How is it possible to be so aware of your problems and still not do anything about it?

I found a thread I made 5 years ago where I talked about how much time I wasted and how I know I will regret it in the future if I keep doing nothing and asking people if it's too late to change…

Well 5 years, 5*360 days, 5*360*16 awake hours passed and somehow in all this time I managed to make 0 progress. Like HOW? How is that possible? Even if I spent 30 minutes a day doing something productive by now I would have gotten something out of it as 5*360*30 = 900 hours.

8 years ago I read a book on procrastination so I was aware of it for a long time and I still do it… I found a book I bought about drawing and the receipt is from 7 years ago…

5 years ago I also thought about trying vitamin supplementation and after reading about it for 2 days I got too overwhelmed and forgot about it.

Now what really baffles me is how you would think I am lazy like this because I spend all my time watching tv and playing video games. But somehow I barely played any video games in my life. There are so many interesting old titles I would like to play and COULD but somehow every day miraculously passes by with me having done NOTHING. I just keep playing the same online games I suck at and browsing the internet and watching random youtube videos that I forget about instantly. When I had a library membership I kept loaning books just to accrue late fees while not reading them.

It baffles me how I am actually 30 now but have almost no experiences whatsoever.
R: 0 / I: 0
I have been bouncing between a couple different ADHD meds lately with none of them having any significant effect on me, good or bad. I thought harder about what I really want out of them and I realized that all I want is for doing things to come naturally. And by doing things I mean anything that isn't simply laying down and slowly rotting.
I have always loathed myself, even since I was a very small child and I think I have finally arrived at the specific reason: what comes to others naturally, activity, just doesn't come naturally to me. Being a human being is always going against the grain of my own brain. That's not even to say outright that things are too hard. Its not a matter of difficulty, its that even when things are easy I feel like I am fighting against myself and the task at hand. And being so depressed, there are no hobbies, only tasks.

Does anyone else feel this way? I doubt I am unique [as much as I'd prefer others not to feel this way]
R: 310 / I: 28

Depression Crawl Thread XLVIII

Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.

Previous:
>>266183
R: 74 / I: 8

/hate/ general #1

Gentle wizards, I invite you all to talk about the subject of hatred on this general. Abstract hate, concrete hate, big hate, small hate, whatever you are hating right now, why you hate (the list goes on).
R: 23 / I: 0

Is suicide the best answer

What is holding me back is I am religious person.
hoping for uncle jesus salvation .I don't know if suicide is what determines whether a person gains entrance into heaven. I tell myself some people did it and god forgave them. others waited for natural death in hope for god mercy yet they doomed in hell it's all god decision and all things are determined.
but for me Life is to fucking long and it seems i am going nowhere wethere i try or not. i just pass the time waiting for getting old and die natural death .
I'm in my 20's and feel like I'm in my 50's I'm tired of this shithole life I should of died in my 20's. People say life is short it's really not but time does fly by which is weird. The suffering of clinical depression and other health issues make life feel like a never ending nightmare.
Fuck you rigged life.
You've given me nothing but pain, fuck you.
R: 6 / I: 0

My life is hell, I broke my hearing

3 months a go I went to a loud festival and my ears got damaged. At first I didn't think much of it, some really loud sounds were uncomfortable, like alarms, but I was living my normal life.

Turns out I fucked my ears. Over the next few months my sound tolerance dropped and my tinnitus ramped up.

I have hyperacusis. Currently I can't go to a busy street because it's too loud. I can't talk to more than one person at a time, and it has to be quietly, or my symptoms get worse.

I'm completely isolated and I want to die.

People visit me sometimes but I know they will tire of me.

I occasionally go to the shops with ear protection but it makes me worse. The sound of birds is painful.

My old life had it's problems, I was lonely and a bit anxious. But right now that old life looks like heaven, it was full of sound, I had many people in my life, I could go for a drive and blast loud music if I was feeling sad.

wtf /dep/, how did this happen to me?

The worst thing is I can't even kill myself because I'm too much of a coward and don't want to hurt my parents
R: 1 / I: 0

Murda Sui

Murder/Suicide.

Would one who haven't the balls to go through with suicide be more motivated by killing someone?
R: 62 / I: 8

Have you made plans for your suicide yet?

I have always been certain that I am a future suicide statistic. If I reach the life expectancy I will have almost 60 years left, and I think that is way too much. I don't want to keep living in this world of unbearable suffering if I can find peace in death.

I think I will do it some time in the future. After I've burned a bunch of money and destroyed my body with drugs. But at the same time, I am having trouble seeing the meaning in getting to that point if I already have one foot out the door. I think doing this is just chasing the wind. Pleasure is fleeting. If death is eminent, I think I might as well just get it over with.
R: 18 / I: 4

What do you find meaningful in life?

Are the effort to being alive worth it - all the pain and suffering? Once in awhile there might be joy and happiness… In the end we live and we die without not much more to it. One could argue that learning, art, love, or money is the true purpose - ones meaning of life?

Darkness only exist within the thought of light.

What do you find meaningful in life?
What was once important and "meaningful" which now are lost and forgotten?
Will death give meaning to our life?
R: 6 / I: 3
i have officially zero friends, should i get more bodypillows to talk to or should i find another way to cope with it?
R: 33 / I: 3

demiurgic trader/getting rid of All

to truly die,I must die IN the life.I will please myself all I want for a few months now;doramas,webnovels,animes and comics. I will marathon,vidya all night,days in a row etc. and THEN I will un-become. it will be incredibly painful,brutal, destruction of the Self.
Ive been researching organs a human doesnt need and others which one can live without(not stricly neccesary vs totally unneccesary organs/bones).I will abandon language,IQ, entertainment,patriotism…I will get rid of all 18 sense(daz right,we dont only have 5 sense). I will get rid of property,of shame,of money ,of dreaming and of Time.
R: 56 / I: 5

Wizard mental health confessions

What's your most severe symptom? Sum it up without writing a big wall of text.

Basically I have triggers. Real triggers, not reddit-tier "trigger warning" shit. If something triggers me and I don't manage to disengage and stabilize myself within immediate hours, I can end up dead or in ER. And I have severe bad mood and mood swings, they cycle through hours multiple times a day every single day.

If I'm in the middle of bad mood (or a mood swing) and something triggers me (both situations at the same time), if I can't stabilize myself within immediate minutes I end up in ER and/or hospitalized for weeks.

What about you? We can have a dick measuring contest about who is more miserable.
R: 41 / I: 2
I think I'm finally going to kill myself. what are the best methods for a painless suicide? I think normalfags put oxygen into helium tanks now to prevent suicides so that's kinda not an option. any better ideas?
R: 1 / I: 0

Vanity of vanities, saith the Preacher, vanity of vanities; all is vanity.

В лучшем случае 70. Главное чтобы пиры были для материнской платы. Откройте материнскую плату пожалуйста. Вон восемь двадцать четыре плюс четыре плюс восемь всё куприте подороже.
R: 213 / I: 5

Fapped to oblivion - help?

This situation causes me a lot of depression. Wonder if anyone here has experienced the same and can help.

Years ago when I was a neet and had infinite free time, I indulged in fapping like a psycho. Was doing it ridiculously often and was chasing the "high" of finding new stuff to fap to that didn't just "do the job" but excited me, which was getting progressively harder as my tastes have never really deviated much from things you'd find on mainstream sites, there were just very particular qualities I was looking for, and the "stock" of new material that hit the mark was dwindling fast. One day I woke up after a particularly excessive multi-fap prior day and was having trouble getting hard. Could only fap until I came with a limp dong. Started freaking out. I waited a few days without porn or jacking and then my cock was behaving well and was super hard for a while. Went back to business as usual and by a month later my dick was shit again.

Ever since it's been pretty mediocre, hit and miss, takes a while for me to finish and is often an annoying amount of effort.

Urologists can't find anything wrong so based on how it all started I'm guessing I've fried my brain's arousal centers with porn.

Problem is if I don't ejaculate before trying to sleep it's really fucking hard to get to sleep and stay asleep, because as part of the shitty habit formation with this stuff I started cooming before sleep daily.

I hate being in this fucking hole so much and wish I could just stop with porn and fapping completely but then my insomnia gets out of control.

Anyone been through this? Any advice? It's driving me fucking mad. Fapping was one of the few simple pleasures I had, being a super loser, and now it's just a miserable chore.
R: 2 / I: 0
spilled cider all over my bed whilst attempting to open it

why yes im retarded
R: 13 / I: 1

Social anxiety is killing me

After a couple of years as a hikikomori I can hardly talk to anyone without feeling like my guts is starting to corrode itself
R: 125 / I: 6

shouting into the void wondering if anyone relates

To start with, I hate everyone, and I hate everything excluding fictional characters and fictional settings.
I used to have ambitions of creating my own fictional worlds, and it's hard to shake them away. I still sometimes have urges to write down my ideas and quotes I think sound fun.
But I stop myself because there is no reason to transcribe it. For what purpose should I materially manifest my artistic visions? So that Twitter freaks who clap their hands at babies being born blind and deaf, and 4chan manchildren who play Nintendo may pervert my ideas? People are pure evil retardation. I would derive zero enjoyment by amassing fame and acclaim from the seething retarded masses, or from having even one individual read any of my works. Their perceptions of my characters and concepts would be insulting and revolting. And, being that the ideas are already there in my own head, they have served me well and do not require any physicality beyond this. I see them fine, and the seething retarded masses are sustained by lesbian cartoons and video games for toddlers; they have no need for my additions to the media ecosystem.

When you look to fiction, we see layered and emotive personalities. Characters are articulate, passionate, sensitive creatures who go places and do amazing things.
Here in reality, even those who have the money to do anything they desire often lead lives not dissimilar to niggers living in squalor. Look towards the British Royal Family, Donald Trump, Bobby Kotick, Bill Gates. See how they do nothing but have sex and stare at the wall like a fucking retard, despite their wealth.
Regardless of class, place or race, the seething retarded masses have neither romance nor adventure in their lives. No glorious deaths or trials. No justice. No heroes. Just copes and lies. Many successful family men here in reality die and they've lived such an uneventful down's syndrome life that their own family members have nothing substantial to say about them during their funerals.

Any hope for a career for me is dead on arrival. My only interest in the material world is animals, and any work involving animals is befitting of a Satan imp. It has been this way, and will stay this way for eternity. Watch as everyone around you laughs at animal suffering. Watch the normalfag as he laughs himself to tears over "jokes" of hamsters being smashed with hammers. Detailed, morbid tales of mishaps during the butchering process at the farm are told through gasping laughter on podcasts that get millions of upvotes from the psychopaths I am forced to spend time with.

I am unable to leave the house in any capacity without being mentally tortured. Everywhere in all directions, the masses of seething retards are watching and waiting; hoping to either ambush you with down's syndrome humblebragging about the numerous ways they worship the black man, or to simply report you to the police for existing in their proximity. It is impossible to view any manmade place without being shoulder to shoulder with creepy ant people who vocally narrate to every stranger in the area about their latest bowel movement. I was lucky enough to visit Las Vegas at the peak of the COVID LARP when there were only maybe 20-40 people on the street in total, and the lack of down's syndrome has made it up to be one of the only happy memories in my lifetime.
R: 5 / I: 0
Evolution has set it so that females are the root of man's power. As intelligence (increased versatility/creativity in response to stimuli) moved away from bacteria in response to various environmental pressures (lack of food, need to escape predation, etc) forcing larger bodies, the amount of White-matter in the brain of males (how high the forehead/eyebrows are/how effeminate the face is) increased to keep the body functional in response to an increase of gray-matter (original brain matter) from higher intelligence. This increase of white-matter to cover gray matter in males prompted an increase in the amount of white-matter in females as well. In people, this evolutionary history is present in that more intelligent men have smaller testicles (lessens intelligence change from person-to-person by reducing potential people) on average and more white-matter, so when there is a need for a raise in intelligence due to environment, what ends-up happening is an automatic shift toward smaller testicles and more white-matter. The original life was likely a purely asexual Y chromosome bacteria with a brain/brain-plan of near total gray matter. At some point it split into male and female because it had to over-come the challenges it faced to continue its survival as sexual reproduction offered more genetic variability than asexual. Females evolved to mentally lag males in evolution, lack sentience and capability, and to be used and care for males and offspring. Males evolved to be genuinely intelligent, independent, capable and strong in contrast while maintaining an element of insanity or suffer death at all times. Both sexes increased in intelligence as well as everything is 100% hereditary. Every time there was an increase in White-matter due to a need for higher intelligence (higher forehead/eyebrows) there was a new facial standard for murder for food with each species as man moved away from bacteria. This is because all mobile life on earth is condemned to kill their own DNA due to a need for protein, vitamins & minerals to prevent death, so it all demands a brain to commit murder to keep reproduction running. Any brain that did not kill due to too much love for what they see in foreign DNA did not reproduce (encouraging racial discrimination even at 99.9+ DNA shared, etc.). This process happened over 1.05 billion years, and it is made of murder, natural selection, violence, and extreme suffering. It has installed pro-group thinking in the brain of man and a mostly evil form of biological morality that is generally pro-reproduction, murder, and suffering at all times. Senses and pleasures (food, joy of violence, etc) to encourage survival. Disgust from disease, the chemical Love, and Emotions to encourage pro-survival/reproduction. Insane thinking such as "I have special forces" or "I am protected by a special force" has also been selected for as the one to think everything will be okay reproduced into the coldest and blackest pit. This evolutionary brain-wiring been used by religions to spread lies. A fear of the unknown has also been selected for as organisms to venture too deep and fast into unknown land generally died/did not reproduce. Social cues and signals (I am hungry, tired, etc) have also evolved through time. There is also brain wiring to prefer certain facial characteristics from race to race (certain forehead/eyebrow height, certain eye shapes, certain nose shape certain hair color (generally brown/black), and a certain skin color. There is brain wiring for certain thinking as well and a brain wiring for knowing what love of the race is pre-wired into all peoples (whether they have siblings or not, so all people know what the race is somewhat with or without love/the race). All of it based off of the racial facial average.) This was genetically set so that reproduction would keep running despite genetic changes. All of this is simply wiring Evolution has placed into the brain to keep the chain of reproduction running. This is all proof human beings themselves are chemical computers that have been programmed by space-time itself.
R: 83 / I: 5

Pessimism as a sign of high vitality

Do you think Nietzsche was right about this? I think there may be something to it. Normals are so fragile, especially succubi, they refuse to even consider bad scenarios and how horrible existence can be at times. It takes courage to contemplate negative thoughts and emotions. Pessimism is a sign of high vitality, of a brave spirit, of an ascetic soul who doesn't think feeling good all the time is necessarily desirable.
R: 18 / I: 3

"theoretical" depression thread/cosmiic nihilism

thread for discussing more Theory than Practice. terror management theory(TMT), Psycho-history(loyd demausse),cosmicism etc
So far Im reading a lot to see wether deat =timeless eternal void. And IF thats true,seeing how I cope.
Im also putting stuff into perspective by reading every day,both micro biology and Microbial sentience and far-future timeline and massive cosmic events.