/dep/ - Depression★

>>298907 (OP)
I'm not a NEET, by the way. I have a job, but it's boring and stale and I largely just sleepwalk my way through it…just as I sleptwalk my way through university…

Honestly now that I'm reflecting I realize most of my life has been me "bearing it" or "waiting it out" rather than "living it". I feel I'm subconsciously telling myself to wait for a stage of my life to come that I can actually live in…because at no point have I consistently felt "wow, I'm happy to be here where I am." It comes in flashes but it's always ruined by the next moment. I don't think it's depression, just discontentment. I don't know if any of this makes sense but I'd really love to read about other people's experience.

I use to take refuge in self pity in comparison to normalfaggots. I use to feel like I am the chosen one and I also use go take secret pride in my deficiencies just like you. But I have discovered that everyone is fucking miserable. Life is really brutal. So now most of the time I don't give a shit.

Life is one painful rape before death. Nothing special. It all comes down to the same thing.

>>298908
I very much feel the same way, the sleepwalking through life. There were times when I've had to step out of my comfort zone, mostly due to having to work or for mandatory internshits but it really is just one long blur ever since I was 20 or so. I will be 30 soon. Materially there is nothing to complain about and I am healthy and can live with my parents as I pitch in with work around the house.
But there is simply nothing I want to do. I am waiting to die, essentially. Nobody is coming to save us, no deus ex machina person who will suddenly care enough to try and pull you out and get you to live your life (and how could they, you are the only one who, theoretically, could know hat kind of life you would want to live).
Even things such as wanting to go to Japan or just being happy to play games have become bland. I could probably go to Japan if I wanted soon, it's not a problem of money so much as the question of "why even bother" keeping me from doing it.

>>298907 (OP)
Im 22yo almost 23 and I have 0 friends and am addicted to the internet and running away from my problems, nice to meet you

>>298920
I got disgusted and disillusioned about Japan after realizing what it's really like. Paid a visit for 3 weeks.
Got some clarification on something. Nothing in and of the entire country interests me save the select individuals who create the media I'm interested in. Them and only their pet projects matter.
Everything else, the average citizen, their way of life, all of it, the infrastructure and history, I just conflated my like for anime and games with my like for Japan in totality, and this was obviously in retrospect incredibly stupid.
Even learning the language, gotten to a point of proper literacy, I don't use it to communicate with anyone Japanese nor will I ever. It's just an asset to aid masturbating and passing time without any cumbersome external interception.
Also, western otaku pave way to more abstract discourse as well, however seldom though this is, but only on the chan sites. Another thing I learnt.

Anyway, I seriously thought Japan was a magical country with superhuman citizens, that stepping inside would leave me awed beyond everything, and then I go back home thinking it was a waste of time. 3 weeks of my life I'll never get back.

It's not the thread for it, but, maybe you're like me anon, so you like anime and stuff. Don't make a pointless conflation and waste time or money.
Just enjoy things from the comfort of your home.

>>298932
Not that guy, but thank you for posting this.

I had the same mind set for decades but the appeal petered out since the coof; this capped it.

On topic - I despised parties, my friends were superficial and my college/university experience was, largely, that of a monk with a vow of silence.

No regrets - apart from the time and motion wasted thinking it could/should be otherwise and trying to change it. Self development and building capital meant I have more and nicer things and a better quality of life, than the superficial friends that followed the same track with me but wasted their efforts in other superficial people and chasing hedonism.

If you're a depressive and struggle to feel anything about anything, why exactly should anyone want to engage with you about any given activity - unless the activities themselves have some value? Conversely, if both you and others have gotten this far without engaging, then is there a need to change?

Historically folks engaged with people because there were limited resources and limited venues to enjoy/consume things, e.g. malls, cinemas, coffee shops, sportsball venues etc. You had to interact because people were in front of and beside you, eventually concessions and arrangements sprang up.

This is no longer mandatory - it's entirely possible to have a superior experience of consumption or activity in the context of your own living space. Amazon/Ebay/Alibaba have effectively "solved" retail, a HD projector goes for $300~, a good coffee machine for similar etc.

If anything then you're fortunate - you have not grown and developed with a need for people in your daily routine which would skew your value structure. Better, you have safely avoided strong and memorable experiences which would make you less satisfied with your every day median, and bland uneventfulness *is* the normal.

>>298907 (OP)
>I feel like 25 is too late too.

i thought so too when I was 25. now I am 33, 8 years passed and I wish I made any kind of steps towards progress instead of dooming about how it's over and I'm too old and behind everyone else.

from what I've read it's not even that unusual to be in this position with how the job and housing market forces people to live with parents and not have money to travel and eat out and internet brainrot/social media/dating apps doing a number on peoples ability to connect with others in a human way. also adults seem more infantilized now with how mainstream nerd/gaming culture has become

>>298947
>now I am 33, 8 years passed and I wish I made any kind of steps towards progress instead of dooming about how it's over and I'm too old and behind everyone else

I'm in the same place, wiz. I'm 32 and every now and again I look back at my past and think to myself "If only I had stuck with X or tried Y, I would be living comfortably now." Unfortunately, I am very prone to discouragement and thus give up on things easily and often. But just like you I was continually lead to believe that I was behind everyone else or that I was too old to pick up certain skills/jobs. It gets even worse when we're told that many jobs are being outsourced or becoming obsolete, continually convincing people like us that we have no future and no prospects until it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, then we end up looking back years later and discovering that we were blatantly lied to and sabotaged.

>>298932
thank you for the reply wiz.
>I got disgusted and disillusioned
I have a feeling a similar thing might happen to me, which is why I have put it off for over a decade now. I guess my obsession with Japan started like most, during my youth when I was rejected by my surroundings and found solace within Japanese media. I always thought Anime was so much deeper than the Western shows the kids around me would watch and I particularly loved those bittersweet stories about loss, time passing by and so on. Of course I no longer have this naive fantasy of "once I will move to Japan, I will be accepted for who I am", nor do I even really have that desire anymore in the first place. However, there still remains a residual pull towards Japan for me, and I don't know why. I enjoy listening to the language, I like how the architecture looks different or how orderly the streets and public transport seem and so to this day, I cannot quite put the idea out of my mind of wanting to go there. Rationally I know that my ideals and feelings will shatter once I see the real thing but at least then I will finally be able to lay these youthful dreams to rest.

>>298907 (OP)
yeah but I'm schizoid so I never wanted them.

>>298907 (OP)
I refuse to call that "formative experiences". Not giving my attention to brainlet normies and not wasting money eating outside are my priorities about those things you said.

You don't need a framework to connect, you a reason to do it. And reject whatever has not or gives not so. Keep measuring yourself by normie standards if you still want to miss whatever else of worth might be inside you.

I used to be like this and I regret it deeply.