/dep/ - Depression

It's Saturday night and I started taking a new antidepressant called Mirtazapine (15mg) on Thursday night.

This is my 10th or so attempt at a psychiatric medication. I've tried lots of therapy too.

Wish me luck anonymages. I was about to quit my job but watched some motivational videos on autoplay on Youtube for hours and as cheesy as it was, they convinced me to give this a go.

I didn't even get these prescribed recently. It was way back last year and then I just didn't take them because this particular medicine has a reputation for making people really fatigued.

It does put me to sleep. But, maybe that's ok. If it means I can find some happening apart from fapping and dreaming while I sleep.

Maybe it'll even help me turnaround my fortunes at work where it looks like I'm sliding towards a firing or just being unable to come in. Barely stopped myself raging at my boss the other day and took 2 weeks sick leave from stress afterwards. I need to swallow some humble pie come Monday and hopefully these pills help. Being off work for 2 weeks showed me I'm just as miserable and actually more so depressed, anxious and stressed not working despite all the antiwork slogans I collect.

I'm going broke, and I really don't know how to deal with this fact. I went to 4 doctors to treat it, but none of them worked, and no matter how many medications I took, I was never able to overcome this problem. But these only caused me terrible side effects, such as fatigue, weight gain, apathy, a lot of disinterest in everything, and alopecia, but they were never able to attack the impulses. Violence never stops.
Sometimes I blame my family for raising me in such a violent environment, but then I think it's better to bury the past and look forward. But sometimes it is difficult, since it is not about the violence of 10 or 15 years ago, it is about things sometimes from less than a week ago.

I feel like an alcoholic, where instead of keeping a place free of that poison, it is offered to me in all shapes, sizes, colors and flavors.

most of us are so fucking unattractive, retarded, uneducated, unlovable, lazy/unambitious etc… that there is no point in continuing this misery.

even when some try to gaslight themselves that their loser-lifestyle can be comfy, we all deep down know that this isnt supposed to be *life*.

objectively, we're the bottom of the barrel, rock bottom essentially; we can only cope by escaping reality and isolating ourselves and anytime we encounter the real fucking world, we're deemed as fucking subhumans by others AND ourselves.

we're rotting, just wasting space, energy and oxygen while the only thing left for us is waiting to die, respectively.

i dont get how we all havent already committed suicide by now cuz our fucking trash genetics have been haunting us for our entire existence, yet we collectively and voluntarily decided to continue living. why the fuck are we so stupid???

Does anyone here struggle with alcohol, or have managed to quit?

It used to be a good coping mechanism for me, but it seems the older I've gotten the worse it feels, and it's become detrimental to my health and the way I behave around people. Easily annoyed, constantly starting shit, tired all the time, strange pains. And I was still getting worse, fast.

This has been a wake-up call and I'm realizing I need to quit before it's too late. Though that's easy for me to say now when I'm still feeling bad, and I fear the cravings will come back strong, but I know I've got to try.

Curious to hear others experience with this.

My rooster that I've had for ten years, who I consider my best friend and love more than anyone else, died Wednesday night. He was my only friend. He lived in the house with me and was the only thing that would make me feel better when the rest of my life would weigh down on me. I would go hold him and the rest of life would disappear and that would be all that would matter. I keep forgetting now for a few moments, that I can't go see him and hold him anymore.

I have had depression for my whole life adolescence onward, and I was afraid even 5-6 years ago of this day and thought it would be unsurvivable, and now it's here, and I do want to die. I dont want to live in a world where he isn't here with me. The initial shock has worn off and it's sinking in that my best friend is gone, and I'm not going to see him again. My mother is the only other positive presence in my life, because she knew how much I love him. She has stage 4 cancer and it's still unclear if she's going to survive it or not. She's essentially the only reason why I have not shot myself already. She was never abusive or cruel to me, so I couldn't do that to her even though I don't want to live anymore.

Did you ever have an animal that meant this much to you? People are cruel and petty and small. If an animal loves you it's genuine, they dont have ulterior motives or social performance.

How do you guys manage to stay out of bed as shut-in NEETs? I have been a NEET for almost a decade and only now have I realized I'm addicted to laying on my bed all day. I think all started 10 or so years ago when I was still in school, I started to prefer laying on my bed than staying on the computer or doing anything else on my free time. Then I dropped out and became a NEET. Obviously as a shut-in there's not much to do so I normally stay on my bed all day. I have a good computer, but can't stand using it for long. My back and legs start aching and I just find my bed so damn comfortable. I have lots of blankets, cuishons and plushies to make myself even extra comfy. This is bothering me because I can't work on personal projects or use the static bike I bought because I spend my days on my bed doing nothing. Even lurking the internet is way better for me on the bed using my tablet because I can zoom in if I have to and I can watch anime on it. I started joining IRC channels from my computer in hopes to keep myself out of bed since IRC works better from a desktop.
This seems to be a real mental condition called clinophilia. There's barely any info on it besides https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clinophilia and most people online treat it like a joke "haha yeah I love staying in bed!" normalfag type of comments. But this is a serious illness as it makes me unable to stay healthy and active even as a NEET.

Whitepillers don't have a retort for autism. You can get a good degree, pursue your hobbies and work on your self esteem but if you have autism you will never make it in this anti-autistic world, Life is all about one thing. Being born without autism. If you're born without autism the normies will make excuses for you, help you out, share money with you, give you 100 chances, etc. Meanwhile if you have autism you're evil and creepy just for existing and blinking the wrong way. Everybody gets to live for free except autists and only autists who are given this fake ass "you gotta pull yourself up by your bootstraps and make your life" "you gotta amount to something" "innovation" story. Shit that literally no one else has to follow.

All my life I believed that studying guaranteed a future, a job, comfort, and a certain circle of good people from a certain social class that was educated and maybe healthy and more good compared to the environment I was born into (I saw this with other people and i knew this vision was true)
I am in my first year of college studying to be a teacher, and the people I have met here are not exactly nice to me. I am not interested in being social, but I still feel like an outcast. I no longer have the motivation to study and the idea of getting a degree is… lost.
>but why anon?
I joined a group here out of a mixture of obligation and necessity, I've seen that the people in my group interact, talk, converse, and get together, and I can see perfectly how everything flows naturally for them, as if there were some kind of magnetic attraction between them. they even interact with each other to form romantic relationships, they share personal things and I feel that they empathize with each other.
>And anon? just ignore it a do your things
I feel so fucking out of place like a alien around humans. It's as if I were cursed and i know they know and are paranoid know it. The truth is that pretending to be sociable no longer works for me. It's as if they knew that I wasn't normal. I noticed them saying too much to me things like
>you're very serious and responsible (when I asked someone how they saw me)
>you're very quiet (when the others wouldn't stop talking, I just listened because I didn't have anything… to say)
>Why do you isolate yourself so much from others? (when I was honest and refused to have a picture of me taken, i dont like photos)
and I thought I could ignore it, but I can't And I swear that every damn time they ignore me or say something like this to me, it hurts.
I was doing well with my studies, but those last few weeks I had to interact more socially with my group, and I realized that I'm awful. I don't know if I don't have a personality, but that last thing they said about me isolating myself from other hurt me so much because I don't know how the hell to act. It's as if I had dehumanized myself, automatically becoming an outcast, a gypsy, or the Jew of the group. Maybe I messed up my teenage years and didn't have normie experiences like everyone elPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

I've seen studies where they have said that testosterone is at a historical low for many males, testosterone gives you resilience to emotional problems, makes you more competitive, more risk-taking Etc.
I've always been fat and always been highly stressed for most of my life so I'm pretty sure my testosterone has been in the toilet. When I was going through puberty I was extremely fucking horny like any other kid but that didn't really change my behavior or make me better with succubi. I was fucked up back then but I remember my feelings not taking all my attention.

Has anyone gotten testosterone replacement treatments or taken steroids how did it make you feel?

There are a whole hosts of posts here where we explain how we're dependent upon our parents and how when they die we will die with them, I am starting to think that the lack of money is a real problem.

Additionally, I am 22, but pursuing a worthless degree in IT, I don't know if I'd be able to get a job, I feel like I need to do something immediately to avoid this impending catastrophe. But I don't know what, it's like I have seen the writing on the wall.

And of course I have no other reason to believe that I am better than people here on the contrary I might be inferior, hell, I can't even drive properly, you've probably read a thousand of my posts here lamenting that by now.

Fuck man, I need to do something, upskill or some sort of productivity or self-improooovement shit or something, in the odd case that it might works. But this path is scary as fuck, this is leading straight up towards suicide. I am not as gutsy as other users here, who are fine with the idea of dying, I kind of want to live properly for a minute first before contemplating dying and I don't think I am even capable of suicide.

I don't even get along very well with my parents, we have a weird hate-love relationship where I am dependent upon them because I have no option.

I don't understand how I can be so unlucky, there are millions and millions of people, literally 99% of them just living their lives normally, I don't understand why do I have to be in the bottom 1% of this planet's population.

I feel an urgent need to do something to prevent this ship to colliding with an iceberg but I am just sitting and watching, if things continue this way, this is not going to end well.

But man all the posts here just scare me to no end. Everyone is talking about the problem but no one is really offering any real and followable solutions, this is not going to end well for either of us.

I don't know why I decided to make this post I feel a sheer sense of urgency and helplessness yet all I do is bedrot.