/dep/ - Depression

Why do us humans have to be so alone? I feel that despite having options to live and exist and do things we still are so very dependent on this biological programming to seek connection. I don't know how to say this but I honestly, often hate myself for seeking it from other people — trying to make friends who would listen, or talk, or at least stay. I know people are very busy and have no time to stay to listen and understand other people's loneliness but I typically wonder if I could just have one person, not a therapist, just one genuinely good person who would not be judgemental (although they could be if they have any good advice) and would just listen to me like I matter; my situation is not something I am making up, this is me, suffering from being an outlier who has tried so hard to be a part of normal people but just couldn't. I really tried, but the performance was too much (although calling it a performance would be hypocritical). I could not do it, everyday I felt I was lying to myself, there was a small part of whatever honesty left was leaving me everyday, slowly but I could feel it. I did't know if I am living or lying. How long can I continue with this? Even when alone one, doing his work, to push through shouldn't there be a part within him that calls for an alignment with his honest self? I feel I lack that, it feels so pretentious to be existing. I don't wanna leave everything and just run away because I am not strong enough but I wonder if I could continue like this, and even if I could, calling that just a part of being human and a lot of other (fellow wizards) are going through the same, I don't know how long I could go on without completely going insane.

I’ve come here to bitch, wizards. I’m an apprentice barely, I suppose (22 years), but I will be a wizard (for multiple reasons and beliefs), so I like the site a lot. Anyways, I’m in despair and will be in utter and complete despair for two weeks.

My parents forced my NEET-ish ass into university because they mean well and don’t want me to die on the streets once they die but not only is university/studying not for me but I’m on med school of all things, I’ve already flunked more than one class since I started the career like 2-3 years ago, so shit isn’t going well, not only that due to a stupid retarded class I’m being forced to spend two, I mean TWO fucking weeks with normies to do sort of stupid social work in some shitty rural town that’s even more shitty than my already dog shit town (not rural), I can’t even go back home for a single day on the duration of that, I’m not sure if I’ll survive, thankfully due to my mental illness (Szpd) I’ll probably be able to detach and survive but it’s going to be horrible, I don’t even like sleeping, bathing etc on the house of my grandparents (probably the unique people whom I somewhat trust and feel “oka-ish” being around outside of my parents and older brother), I might not really feel stressed, despairing and such but I know it’s happening, I just can’t feel it due to being mentally ill, of course I can still get the somatic part anyways, so my stomach is a mess right now and I feel like shitting for 5 hours straight, my hands have trembles a bit too, it’s like I’m in purgatory or something, what the fuck did I do to deserve this ? I guess that’s what I get for being depressed and suicidal for years all the while still keeping up the lie that “I want to be a doctor” because I didn’t even think I would be alive to reach university or the career itself, nor did I have (or really have) goals or a job/career I wanted, it was easier to lie at the time and just kill myself eventually. Thankfully, I got better, and I’m even content with my life in general (which is the closest I can have to happiness, as I only get to feel emotionally happy here and there for a couple of minutes a few times per year), but now I’m stuck in this horrid situation. At moments like these, I kind of wish I could at least not be mentally ill, I would have found something I really wanted to do by now or would be able to push through this career even if it’s exclusively for the degree.

But such thinking is useless, I’m now sPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

I'm an isekaist, I believe I'll get reincarnated in another world as I please. I don't think living in this world is worth, like this world is not what I wished for. I might have committed serious sins in my past life. So, I basically did nothing wrong in my current life and God/Deity/Goddess doesn't punish suicidal people as the bible doesn't mention condemnation to those who kill themselves.

Buddhism just straight up ends the subject/object split and dependent co-origination makes the whole illusion of a permanent self or creator god look like the retarded cope it is while Christianity is still stuck LARPing with its sky daddy judging your jerkoff sessions and promising eternal torture for not believing in the magic carpenter. The eightfold path dissolves the whole mess without needing some jewish blood sacrifice ritual to "save" your immortal soul from original sin bullshit that never even happened. Every time some midwit starts yapping about how le based trad christianity built the west I just remember how their dualistic garbage keeps people chained to craving and aversion like retards chasing their own tail while the dharma lets you actually see through the aggregates. Fuck this gay earth and its endless rebirths of this same midwit argument.

I have a lot of faults of my own, perhaps my current predicament is entirely my fault. I have no friends. No one to talk to. But things are worse, I was born and currently live in a really hated country on this planet but regardless it could've always been worse, I could've been a prisoner in North Korea or on the menu in Africa for a good hearty meaty meal.

The true tragedy is I am significantly over than 21, I have a very rocky relationship with my parents, who abused the hell out of me, and I literally shake and tremble in fear when my parents are angry, I can feel pain in my heart. But guess what I am over 21 years of age and they are not bound by any law to take any care of me at all but they still do, they have also helped me a lot, while I don't wish them harm, I do wish I lived away from them.

And of course I am unemployed, to a great extent, I get talked down on daily basis, while I am grateful for what my parents have done for me, I am grateful for what normies have done for me by making wonderful things like mobiles and games. I do not like the fact that my father has a carte blanche to say anything to me and do anything to me, I am grateful for society for giving me mobiles and games, as I said. But I don't like how my value is only derived from what I earn.

If I don't earn, I am a pest, a drain on resources, my parents treat me like I am disposable, with no respect, at all. And why should they cause love isn't unconditional because if they loved me unconditionally, maybe I would've abused them instead. No such thing as that.

I just want to die but I am terrified of dying without living for once. I live in an honor culture mixed with Western Style liberalism and as an unemployed person, I am the lowest common denominator in them. Money has somehow turned out to be more important than I expected it to be, I mean money is water, money is food, and money is roof. I knew that but I didn't knew how.

I have never spent a day of my life that wasn't in constant anxiety and worrying about something, not a single day in my life where I could claim that 'Yes, it was a good day.'. Perhaps I am like one of those weird females who don't want solutions to their problems but they just want to be heard, when they talk, if you know what I mean. And it surprises me that I have an iota in common with succubi.

As I said a lot of fault lies with me, I have tried for jobs, and tried for online ways to earn. But pePost too long. Click here to view the full text.

I am really tired
How can I find happiness independant of other people?
I cant deny I feel the need for connection, but it always ends poorly for me

Does anyone else voluntarily exile themselves from society?

I'm tired of socializing, drama, human interests, social demands, social everything.

I wish I was a machine instead of a talking ape. I actually hate being an animal.
I don't even hate people, I just don't want to be in any contact with them. I even hate my own body for forcing me to eat and wash in order to not completely dysfunction.

I'm Failed Low Tier Normie (3.5 PSL Rating), utterly autistic, haven't had friends for a decade by now (I'm just 20), can't function in any way (work-related, socially or even just within my family; I'm even too scared to talk to my biological dad or e.g my grandmother when she comes here) and every day I feel more and more angry that I have to bear this existence every second I'm alive. I can't even simply laugh at things, I'm just a manchild chud who can't be entertained and who doesn't have motivation to do anything. It's like I've been already dead for a long time now but I'm still haunted by my consciousness. I just don't have the courage to end it. I feel like a lot of you experience the same, why haven't you specifically done it?

How do you guys fight anhedonia? Do you have any experience with it?
I basically don't feel pleasure from anything except food, maybe. Stories, games, art don't really touch me at all and it sucks because I remember how much I loved escapism before and how it brought excitement, joy, sadness etc. Now it's all blank. I want to bring emotions back, want to bring excitement, joy, even sweet sadness would do honestly, I miss being profoundly sad.

Have any of you managed to revert to your older non-anhedonic self?

Let's discuss strategies for getting rid of pessimistic thoughts. No negativity allowed in this thread.

I know this is a meme, but taking a shower can completely turn my mood around and make my worries go away, even if it's just for a couple of hours. Listening to uplifting and happy music is also very effective for me. Sometimes I have to force myself at first, but generally it changes my mood.

What are some things you wizs do to minimize depression?