/dep/ - Depression

When I was young I used to indulge in escapism by imagining a new life where everything goes right and I have no problems, but now when I think of it I simply see nothing. There is no possible path for things to go right, every single case and scenario would bring me to suffer.

I guess it's because I became more experienced and understood that everything has a counter-effect and that I was simply focusing on the things that happened to me. For example, I have very protective, obsessed and generally loser (in the normie sense) parents who were watching my every move and spoil me because to them I was the only thing that was validating their need to have a meaning. But even if I had paremts who let me do whatever I wanted, it still wouldn't have fixed my inner problems and all the change would have been swapping the surface problems for others.

At this point it's like a puzzle, trying to connect all the pieces in a way that everything would go smoothly. But even if I give myself endless liberty, like being born a billionaire with perfect health, I still can't solve it. In fact, I have come to the point of trying to change physical laws to see if it could work (not having to eat/sleep etc.) and I still can't do it. Existence is pain and pain is existence, it looks like. Truly, the perfect life is to never be born.

What do you guys think? Do you have an idea of a good life you could have been living if you rolled the dice the right way at birth?

I am not even that horny, a lot of the days I force my self to do it while not even being in the mood for it, it's just the most effective way for me to cope, masturbation is free, gives you instant pleasure and can burn for you many hours at the time, there are times when i find my self touching myself just so I can use it as a way to distract my self for my anxieties and negative thought loops, as soon as i start touching myself all my anxiety and negative emotions start to dissolve as much as i hate and it hate how much i overdo it, i can't deny it makes getting through my days easier when i can just touch my self for many hours instead of just sitting there being miserable feeling hollow bored to tears and empty or anxious and overthinking at worse, my point here is that I believe the addiction for me is a mere sympotom, something I use to escape my negative feelings and the emptiness of my daily life, thanks for reading my blogpost

>be me
>bored
>decide to go for a walk
>the group that used to harass me in high school sees me
>they start shouting embarrassing nicknames they gave me loudly, just like they did in HS
I thought I wouldn't need to deal with that anymore, but it seems like I was wrong. Has anyone here ever experienced something similar? I just want to have some peace.

I am not in a position to move out and I always have to listen to complaints about everything I do
Its affecting my happiness quite a bit, its a good day when I dont have to interact with anyone for a day
As if I dont know im a failure
The complaining never stops
I was a Neet I got cried to alot for that, now im a student and I still get talks about finding a part time job the same way, despite me getting money
Its so tiresome
I once worked full time for over a year, it was such a bad time to me, I dont have the energy like normies do
The worst part about it all is my mom telling me I should move out if I dont like it
I want to move out very badly, but how can I when the few hundred I get a month is barely enough to live?
Even with a part time job it would not be enough
I dont see the situation changing anytime soon

Might just be one of the myriad of things from health issues to shit life syndrome, but I've been thinking maybe my small living space is affecting me.

Still live "at home" in a flat with my mom at 30, my room is 2.5m x 5m so 12.5 square meters. (134.549 ft²american)
With all the furniture I have a usable space of about 0.8m x 3m maybe, so less than 3sqm. (25.833 ft²)
Spend all day sitting at my desk anyways so whatever.

Been wondering if maybe this tiny space is part of the reason why I just don't do anything.
Do any of you have experience with living in a small space for a decade+?

Does anybody else live with family who have seemingly not a care in the world to be careful with your belongings?? It's incredibly annoying and often blood boiling. I have a lot of collections, and attempt to make models like tanks/planes/warhammer stuff and quite often my parents will "inspect" my room for whatever retarded reason and often break several items. I internally call my dad "The grabbler" he picks up delicate items with his full fist, all fingers perfectly alinged - like a special ed kid grabbing a pencil. As you can imagine, this often BREAKS anything even remotely fragile.

This has been an issue I've dealt with my entire life. I'd have my pokemon cards on a playing mat in my room, parents barge in and walk right on them despite them being able to walk around it, and I wasn't even in the way. Or other times where they would grab my school work with greasy/chocolate coated hands and get stains all over it. Also they love coughing and sneezing without any attempt to cover their mouths. You will see spit and mucus stains EVERYWHERE in the house. Especially on the shared computer screen, utterly disgusting.

I have tried everything to get them to be less dirty and more respectful and mindful but they just don't care, my mother is literally too stupid to understand, my father just doesn't care. I don't really want to move out either as it's not a possibility on my wages unless I want to live in a car or next to criminal social housing with even more disgusting people.

The list goes on and on about all the dirty behaviour they get up to. I might even jot down some greentext stories if I'm bored later

I got a very sad event and started to write things out of nowhere, like poems and short shitty ironic funny stories in my language, even some are sad or deppresive or even dramatic histories.
Sometimes i like to draw calligrams.
I shared it sometimes with randoms or people i know and they enjoyed it.
I doing this now like two weeks and i feel kind calm and in some way at times little happy after reading or laughing at my shitty work, i dont know why but i like it feels more fulfilling than doing nothing or focus much in fixing my sadness bacause sometimes i even got some smirk or laugh of people seing my art and they looks happy to me and that's everything to fill my day with their little spontaneous bacon of sunlight in this abyss.

I’ve come here to bitch, wizards. I’m an apprentice barely, I suppose (22 years), but I will be a wizard (for multiple reasons and beliefs), so I like the site a lot. Anyways, I’m in despair and will be in utter and complete despair for two weeks.

My parents forced my NEET-ish ass into university because they mean well and don’t want me to die on the streets once they die but not only is university/studying not for me but I’m on med school of all things, I’ve already flunked more than one class since I started the career like 2-3 years ago, so shit isn’t going well, not only that due to a stupid retarded class I’m being forced to spend two, I mean TWO fucking weeks with normies to do sort of stupid social work in some shitty rural town that’s even more shitty than my already dog shit town (not rural), I can’t even go back home for a single day on the duration of that, I’m not sure if I’ll survive, thankfully due to my mental illness (Szpd) I’ll probably be able to detach and survive but it’s going to be horrible, I don’t even like sleeping, bathing etc on the house of my grandparents (probably the unique people whom I somewhat trust and feel “oka-ish” being around outside of my parents and older brother), I might not really feel stressed, despairing and such but I know it’s happening, I just can’t feel it due to being mentally ill, of course I can still get the somatic part anyways, so my stomach is a mess right now and I feel like shitting for 5 hours straight, my hands have trembles a bit too, it’s like I’m in purgatory or something, what the fuck did I do to deserve this ? I guess that’s what I get for being depressed and suicidal for years all the while still keeping up the lie that “I want to be a doctor” because I didn’t even think I would be alive to reach university or the career itself, nor did I have (or really have) goals or a job/career I wanted, it was easier to lie at the time and just kill myself eventually. Thankfully, I got better, and I’m even content with my life in general (which is the closest I can have to happiness, as I only get to feel emotionally happy here and there for a couple of minutes a few times per year), but now I’m stuck in this horrid situation. At moments like these, I kind of wish I could at least not be mentally ill, I would have found something I really wanted to do by now or would be able to push through this career even if it’s exclusively for the degree.

But such thinking is useless, I’m now sPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

Again, that feeling returned, wondering why there was a kind of resentment within me. Memories surfaced of why things had to be this way. And well, my ego told me what my eyes had seen: that I was superior to the one who had prevented me from being myself.

Although it was all for naught, the sinister was already looming. But how can you banish something from your mind when it has become so fiercely ingrained?

Have you ever managed to rid yourself of a resentment that seemed to have become embedded in your mind?

>even the extrovert normalfags with an excellent social and sexual life are on multiple drugs and getting therapy
I'm absolutely done for, dude. Even my life improves, I'll still just be a monkey to the rest of them. Fuck.