/dep/ - Depression

I've been violent for as long as I can remember, hitting, and breaking things every time I got angry. I grew up in a very violent environment, I'm not trying to justify myself, but it's ugly to know that over time one imitates that kind of behavior. Over time I became more authoritarian, and more violent, so I tried to make the arguments not affect me so much, so I went to a psychiatrist, in short, now I am taking an antiepileptic, and two antidepressant drugs.
I don't really feel sad, I don't feel guilty about what I did either, I know my hands are dirty, very dirty, but that's not why I hate myself, I don't feel that apathy characterized by depression either.

So I wanted to ask you, can antidepressants help against violence? I really want to stop taking them because they made me gain a lot of weight, and I feel like I can't cry anymore. If you also have anger problems, it would be good if you shared your experience.

So, uh, state your best excuses to not suicide here. Seems like no one bothered to make a new thread

I know we're all asking this, but I have to know. What is the best suicide meathod? I cant get a gun where I am. I tried sodium nitrite but I puked it all up. I'm a drug addict who cant get heroin.

I´m planning to kill myself, the best option that i have is jumping of a fourth flat. It will kill me? I don´t want to remain like stephen hawking for my entire life.

Just seen the new year in but struggling to see much point in carrying on
for over 20 years now I've made excuses to carry on new films to watch things to see experiences to uh..experience
But lately these last few years things are becoming more and more futile I carried on in the hope that things would get better but the trauma I carry from childhood makes it so so hard
I've got a good job but I couldn't care less about that not when my friends have gotten fewer and fewer and I come to the realisation that my family just couldn't care less
Nobody has even botherd to contact me over this festive period I've known for a while it's always me reaching out to others but this year I just didn't have the energy
I'm so so tired of feeling like this of fighting to keep my head above water trying and trying to get better and improve myself and my situation but just get knocked backwards at almost every step
I can't see any likihood of improvement to my lot not now not after all these years and am quite ready to just give In to this shadow this urge this want I've carried since I was 7

I'm quite ready for this to be the last year I see in……

another shitty year, tell me yours problems anon

happy… chris-chris… whatever

I keep watching this documentary obsessively. There's something haunting about a abandoned Siberian city plagued by corruption poverty and rampant drug addiction. Everything in this video is so fucking depressing, from the buildings to the weather to the wasted lives and poverty. I guarantee that higher beings exist that cursed Russia as a frozen hell, it just doesn't even seem real that life is so bad.
Everything in this video especially (and by extension Russia) seems to have some hidden evil behind the veil. This is the true nature of reality in most places, day to day objective reality has some sort of overwhelming evil hidden in it similar to a invisible void.
You already died, this is hell.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JsUH8llvTZo

Almost gotten into car wrecks at least 3 times this past month, twice I was turning right and was positive there was no one coming.
I keep forgetting the last 4 digits of my number, that I have to use to log into work. During work I’ll forget peoples orders and have to reask. They always give me strange looks, like, “dude, I just told you that.” I know, I’m sorry.
I forgot if my grandpa was dead or not. I had a feeling enough to question it, but it took a while to dig back far enough in my mind to recall events that proved his death.
Today, I parked on the side of the street and saw my neighbors truck back up. I looked away for nothing more than second and then their truck was gone. There’s a stop sign at the end of the road, it’d ordinarily be impossible for it to get away so fast.
I forget if I put things in the right place. I always have to double check, did I put my phone in the charger? Did I turn off the tv? I don’t remember doing those things.
I’m slowly, slowly forgetting every piece of knowledge I’ve accumulated. All the history I read, math I did, everything
I’m worried

And he (may Allaah have mercy on him) also said:

The one who looks repeatedly at a beardless youth and the like, or persists in that, and says “I am not looking with desire” is lying, because if he has no need to look, then he is only looking because of the pleasure that he feels in his heart as a result. As for an accidental glance, it is forgiven, if he averts his gaze.

Majmoo’ al-Fataawa (15/419) and (21/251).

The kind of looking with which these sick people are afflicted includes what they watch on satellite channels and what they see in newspapers and magazines, and on websites, of pictures of children and beardless young men, and this is what provokes them to commit immoral actions.

>im not muslim…just illustrating a point
How do I overcome this shit? Even tho I "technically" do nofap:Noporn,nofap, I DO indulge in poisonous kinds of forbidden gazing and sexual inmortality of thought and gaze. I regularly watch\look at kpop boybands, pinterest boyd,femboys,thinspos,grunge boys,etc…All beardless,hairless of course. But I suffer guilt and beat myself up mentally and spiritually becuase of it

I used to beg my classmates in school for food because my parents wouldn't buy me food, they didn't care, they already ate out by themselves 3 times a day and that's all that mattered to them. My parents used to come home from work and just hit me for about an hour which was about how long it took them to get tired every single daye, for absolutely no reason. They would literally take turns hitting me for no reason. And then they would lock the door to my room and tell me to sleep and if they heard any noise, they would come in and hit me more, usually this noise was me crying. One of my earliest memories is my mother undressing me when I was a little child while simultaneously beating me because I didn't want her to pull my foreskin, I told her in tears "you're not my mother" and she said "how dare you" and then she hit me harder, then she went to the bathroom, and my father took over hitting me, then she came back later and hit me even harder again. BTW, the reason she wanted to pull my foreskin was because they didn't wash me when I was a baby, so filth accumulated in my foreskin and it shut tight, and eventually a pediatrician saw this and prescribed a cream that had to be applied to my foreskin to clean it, and the procedure involved trying to force the foreskin to come down every day which was very painful. I literally jam furniture behind my bedroom's door every single night to prevent them from coming in to wake me up in the evening. I already called the police on my father twice.

My parents ruined my life, at least they minimally atone for it by having me live off of them. But if one day they come into my room and say they won't pay for my living anymore while simultaneously still not letting me sleep or get anything done because they spend the entire day screaming, nagging, and making noise, then their usefulness has ended, and I will kill them.