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She's the one who raised me. Obviously I've thought about suicide before but now that this nightmare is happening I feel like there's not a single reason to keep breathing after she dies. Hasn't even happened yet but this dread I feel is enough to make life intolerable, can't even think about anything else or have any hopes for the future. Can barely even talk to her without crying.
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I didn't know my grandma so I never felt that strong towards, but when she passed away it was really defeating for me, she died alone in her apartment and no one was there by her bedside. I can't imagine a worst way to go. Just thinking about it now stings



Never really knew either of my grandmothers, to be honest. The one on my mother's side hung herself in the basement when my own mother was quite young, and the one on my father's side I haven't spoken with in over 10 years and is basically just a stranger to me. My mother's step-mother, who came into the picture a year or so after my biological grandmother committed suicide, has basically been a sort of pseudo-grandmother. Again though, I barely know her and, just like the one on my father's side, I haven't spoken with either of them in years. Hell, I haven't spoken with any of my relatives in years and let me tell you that, in my case, it's a blessing. Both my grandmothers are a couple of narcissistic, vain, & glib old buzzards, whom, from what I recall (late teens being the last time I saw them), were about as warm & receiving as a jagged block of ice, especially the one on my father's side. That description itself can pretty much be extended to almost all my relatives, frankly. The only ones that I cut a bit of slack for their obtuseness & have a tiny amount of sympathy for being my only living grandfather on my mother's side, and my mother's brother, my uncle. Long story short, but the both of them have had very hard lives in their own way and, even though I still wouldn't want to interact with them, I can at least understand & respect the sort of shit they've experienced, as opposed to all my other relatives who, in the case of my father's side of the family, are all unrepentant normalfags or just generally unpalatable assholes. My other grandfather died when I was like 10, or something, and I have to say, being that it's the only funeral I've ever attended for a family member in my life, I honestly couldn't have cared less and felt nothing except the tediousness of the funeral itself. He never wanted to know me & I never wanted to know him, in my case knowing enough about how much of an asshole he was already. That's all there was to it.

Anyway, all that stupid bullshit aside, I find your post to be quite triggering for me, since my mother is essentially everything your grandmother is to you. She's defended me my entire life & always been there for me. She's the only one on this entire rotten little ball of dirt of a planet who cares for me & accepts me for everything that I am. My father & brother, to Post too long. Click here to view the full text.


I feel you. My mom is getting older, she's been in the hospital twice this year; ER four times. I worry about her constantly, she is my only family, my only support, and the only person in the whole world who loves me. I'm not going to kill myself when she dies, because I want to honor her by living my life to the best of my ability. I want to find happiness, and I want her to know I love my life. Do the same for your Gramma. Be there for her, be strong for her. It's okay to cry.

I took care of my grampa, my O'dad, when he was being ravaged by Alzheimers. At some points he didn't even know who I was, he would fight me when I tried to clean him and accuse me of holding him prisoner. It hurt so much, but there was one time when he knew my name, he knew who I was, and he thanked me for what I was doing for him. I didn't do the best job I could have, but I tried damn it. I'm crying now, but that's okay. Just know you are not alone in this. And you have friends out there who care, even if you haven't met them yet. Even if they're ten thousand miles away in another country. We all have to find our place in this world, and honor those whom we have loved.

I hope this is some help to you.


Same anon but its my grandfather, he taught me how to ride a bike and for the first few years of my life I spent more time with him than my biological parents.
i've been taking a lot of etizolam to cope with the feelings and its messing with my head.
I hate that he is basically just waiting to die because he is old and has a few different types of cancer and can barely even talk because of his trachea and infection.
Just staying strong and keeping them company is the best you can probably do anon.
Losing someone is hard


Best of luck, friend.

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Since the internet is as it was, a place for mistifts is in the great process of dying.. where have the actual misfits gone now?
For example this very site is affected too, in 2017 I could still see various quality posts on /dep done by real recluses but I guess the situation here drove them away.

If anyone of you, "those" people reading this.. please tell me where you have gone nowadays?
Be it other sides of the internet or I dunno where.
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The "wizchan 2018 meme" has been around since at least 2015.


Does anyone know what happened to Kohlchan? Please anybody. my home on the internet just disappeared. I spend 12 hours on that site everyday. There was a bunker on 8ch but that site is gone too fuck.


also I'm not advertising anything holy fuck don't ban. How can I advertise something that doesn't exist anymore lmao.
I know it wasn't a good site and that it was full of pedos, neonazis and schizophrenics but it was my home on the internet


it's working for me?


what url you using

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Have you ever considered by what process we become what we are, that is to say, failed organisms? A successful organism from a purely biological perspective, is one which reproduces itself many times. That's not to say there's any real value in that, there isn't; but there is evolutionary utility. How does a 90 iq street thug produce many offspring between prison incarcerations, and a 120 iq wizard produces none with all of his free time. Whether by choice or by chance, by mistake or fortune, it is interesting to think about.
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Because they're borderline rapists who dick simpletons and murder wizzies for a fun game my wiz


The moment humans started living as a society under a king, everything changed and it's kept changing more and more ever since then. Suddenly success became tied to one's social skills and ability to dominate, manipulate, or co-opt others into giving you what you want. The story of Adam and Eve is about the moment in human history when we settled down and became civilized, and that is the moment associated with being cast out of the heaven the lord created for us and becoming sinners. I often think about the process by which we have all evolved into what we are today and human nature begins to make sense to me. There's a reassuring utility to human psychology and behavior even when at first it appears nonsensical, when I think about it long enough from a zoomed out perspective long enough it all makes sense. It's all driven by what works, a brutal and viscous process that only cares for results.


When humankind became the dominant species reproduction ceased to be the 'ultimate goal' of evolution. The ultimate goal of evolution now is to be the most useful/amusing species to humans. All other species will simply die out because with enough technological advancement mankind will find a way to exterminate any species.
Don't fit in the human world? You should die. That works for both humans and non-humans alike.


Evolution for humans have slowly become meaningless, there's barely any natural selection anymore; almost every baby get to survive to adulthood.

Our technology may have advanced but we still cling to biological instincts that are no longer relevant.

Most religions are way to enforce those biological instincts onto collective level rather than individual, e.g. reproduction and sanctity of life.


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>How does a 90 iq street thug produce many offspring between prison incarcerations, and a 120 iq wizard produces none with all of his free time

We are in a spiritual warfare and we are winning by not acting like apes.


Hello /dep/, I haven't been to wizardchan since two years. But this seems to be the best place for this thread.

How many of you take Psychiatric medication?

I just had a psychosis again and now I'm on 4mg risperidone, the fourth antipsychotic in my psychiatric record.

The side-effects are strong and drain the last energy out of me, but without them I become very nervous and paranoid.

What have been your experience with antipsychotics and schizophrenia, schizos of /dep/?
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I've taken one so far (Risperidone), for one month, not the best experience. I just felt like shit, literally.
Later I told myself that I won't take any medication or go to the psychiatrist ever again.

If it's working for you, stick with it.

>The side-effects are strong and drain the last energy out of me

How so?


Can you describe your psychosis? I've had many drug-induced psychotic episodes before, but I am not "legit crazy" yet.

I'm not hypocondriac but I go to a state-sponsored shrink and he has to keep track of my shit and I "officially" have,at 25:

>major depression, recurrent

>generalized anxiety
>polysubstance use disorder (AKA drug addiction)
>alcohol use disoder (alcoholism)
>Mild Cognitive Impairment

Apparently I have a higher risk of being a schizo due to substance abuse, history of seizures, childhood and adolescence physical abuse, isolation, vivid daydreaming, etc.

Used to take quetiapine and seroquel but fucking hated it, now I just take mirtazapine and clonazepam.

Ironically everyone keeps telling me I am very smart, including co-workers. Got a decent paying jov and I live by myself, alone. I write poetry, play many instruments and compose music.


All schizo is bullying or lieing anti psychotics shut your brain down just try to tell somebody they'll only prove you right


Anti-psychotics are known as "major tranquilizers". They heavily sedate you in an uncomfy way, like quetiapine or olanzapine. I know that.

Maybe I wasn't clear. I am prone to getting myself lost at daydreaming and losing my train of thought when heavily stressed or annoyed, only to realize I losted it for some minutes after it happens.

I guess this is just normal and I should not worry at anything? I've seen real schizos when I was at the psych ward and I am too self-aware to reach that point.


The sedating effects of antipsychotics are due to the fact that a lot of them also have antihistamine action. You would get the same sedation from taking benedryl.

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At the ripe age of 20 I feel that I am soon ready to entirely and completely give up on life. I've suffered from BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) my entire life due to losing my father when I was younger and being abused by my mom + her boyfriend and grandparents when I was young as well as a few near death experiences and a lifetime of bullying. I've only recently gotten a diagnosis for it and its all starting to make sense. I was doomed from the start. I turn 21 this December, its going to be my judgement day. I've become recently extremely hostile to just about anyone who isn't my mom as she is the only one who takes care of me now. I still don't really like her even though she has seemingly turned things around. I hate everyone, how most people can live these easy and nice lives by stepping on the people around them. I've never willingly thrown someone completely under the buss like I have been many many times. These people will never know consequences, they will never know suffering. They will only know what its like to treat a loser like a loser. And what happens when these very people become losers themselves? They get help. Because people will help them, even though they may be shit bags. Even though they have stepped on people they deserve help somehow. Because they can change. I can never change. I will never change. I need to die to end my suffering. And that I will do. Silently. No one will know when or where I die. I will go into the woods to die so nature can consume my miserable remains.
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It's mostly just poor emotional regulation. Men can definitely also get it, but they usually end up in prison because their poor emotional regulation leads to outbursts of violence. People who have been abused and/or neglected by their parents get it because they don't have a healthy relationship with their parents to show them how to regulate their emotions. They have child-like ways of emotionally processing things like splitting things into black and white, good or bad terms. This makes it easier to deal with for them because if for example they can think of a person as being entirely good, they can avoid all the negative worries they might have about that person and just treat them like they can do no wrong, but then when the person does something wrong, they can just completely flip their shit and now think of the person as some sort of monster who is all bad. They can flip between the states because it's not a rational way of thinking about things, just a stopgap measure they use to deal with their out of control emotions that they have no ability to regulate. A normal person can accept that a person is both good and bad and can accept that dealing with them means you can be hurt by their bad behavior and you learn to deal with that when it happens like an adult, but borderlines have very strong fears of abandonment and feelings of worthlessness which overwhelm them and make them act irrationally and emotionally.


You're not alone anon, your background sounds similar to mine and I've been considering recently whether I might have BPD. This is diffucult for me to accept because its occuring to me right after realising my mother has bpd, and this is probably the cause of her abusive and unstable behavior, so obviously I cast bpd in a very negative light that I couldn't relate to or identify with.

I am much older then you and I can assure you that you definitely should not and need not kill yourself. You are in a good position at this point in your life because of the time you have. Recurring suicidal ideation is a symptom of bpd so you need to observe it objectively as being part of a condition, it has nothing to do with clear, accurate or correct insight about what you ought to do.

>These people will never know consequences, they will never know suffering. They will only know what its like to treat a loser like a loser.

Everyone suffers anon, everyone hurts and feels pain. These people are just stupid, ignorant and emotionally immature, judging and mistreating others mainly on things that have no real value or importance, and also on things that are important, but they have no understanding, respect or care for how a person comes to have these issues. You don't have to internalise something that isn't your negative characteristic/behavior, ie the way they treat and judge "losers", its not your problem, its there problem.


Just like 2012?



1. It's a mockumentary
2. The lack of detail about a "true event" makes you think it's mostly based on the novella 'Until I Am a Mummy' by Shimada Masahiko

Still, a nice calming thing to watch.


Normies are evil and fake.

When you re alone face to face with one normie he will most likely act normal, not be rude neither aggresive towards you.

But when that particular normie will be in group of people he will start acting like some animal fighting for domination. He will act stupid, say stupid things and sometimes even be aggresive, nasty.

I hate them. I was always an outcast and I will ever be. I wish I could get neetbux and never get close to normies anymore.

But thats not possible.

If you re different from normies and you are in some place that requires socialization, then you re fucked
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Some say a comet will fall from the sky
Followed by meteor showers and tidal waves
Fallowed by fault lines that cannot sit still
Followed by milllions of dumbfounded dipshits


So you reject the behavior and find it aien and unrelatable…even reprehensible. Why then think about it, internalise it and give it so much power over you?
You are far better out there among normies in a place that requires socialization then you are alone on NEETbux. The way you think and feel about them and how much you think and feel about them is your choice


>Normies are populists, often changing their own mind, their opinion.

Someone who never learns and is never able to change its own mind is the real idiot.


but these idiots can change their mind in 5 minutes.
thats distinction


You say that like its an objective fact,that is your opinion, plenty of people are exploited out their by the machine those that cant excel fast enough are tossed,NEETBux is anecessity for some so you are mistaken if youthink everyone on it needs it and therefore are better off without it, being a social pariah and resentment is not a choice its an imposition

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 No.194691[Reply][Last 50 Posts]

Posted it in another thread but I feel it deserves it's own thread because of the subject matter.

>Wizards, and social retards/reclusives/outcasts, are a dying breed. It took me a while to figure that out, I don't know if we're being breed out OR that the modern state of the internet has opened all doors for self-improvement and congregation for people who would be us (I think it's the latter). Cos on 4chan people are always complaining that "reddit is leaking" or "it's so reddit in here", it's not. It's that the "zoomers" that have replaced us, come from a much more socially inclined background by default and most, if not all, of internet (and geek) culture has seeped into the mainstream.

>Those of us that did not fully commit to a fandom or a passion, are now left with no real identity. I think in a certain sense it's a lot harder to be a loner now, like, you can have a giant anime figurine collection but the internet these days will always remind you that there are other people who also have the same hobby, but are enjoying with other people who take it to different places they wouldn't have dreamed of on their own. Basically reminding you that *your* giant anime figurine collection are just lumps of shaped plastic.

Turn 30 this year, and it feels like it's the worst era to become a wizard. But on the flip side (and maybe it's some sort of underlying mental illness) I've been feeling upbeat for the last 2 weeks cos it feels like there's nothing left to lose now.
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Those who ruined it is very connected and they - the problem, should be addressed and addressed till it gets more and more clear. Else this topic wont even exist the first place.

People aswell should stop being so damn "topic rigid". This too helped ruin internet experience. This is a normie behavior aswell.


>People aswell should stop being so damn "topic rigid". This too helped ruin internet experience. This is a normie behavior aswell.

So you don't actually know what the thread topic is and you just want to LARP as someone from the good times?


Dont mind the guy. He is low ioying naturally annoying.


you're confused the definition of wizard with the rule of this specific site


>On a brighter note, with the increasing prevalence of autism, i'm sure we'll have a fresh batch of socially inept hikki zoomers in the coming years.

I really doubt that's going to happen.

[Last 50 Posts]

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Do you know what true loneliness is, anon? Somehow i dont think you do. Because even here i am not accepted, which would have been something.

I chat with one other person maybe once a week for no more than 10 minutes, even though i want to talk, go out and have fun constantly. There is just not a single other person out there i can do that with. Everyone either hates me or doesent know i exist. I have been banned from all my usual places - clans in games and such - a couple months ago, so now i dont even communicate with anyone in games.

I forget the sound of my voice. Im constantly drunk and crying. Send death.
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Well, I have zero friends but I still have many family members. Guess I haven't experienced true loneliness yet. I think having friends is useless. At least if you have a girlfriend you can use her for sexual pleasure, but what do you even do with friends? I think people who have male friends are closet homosexuals. I have nothing in common with anyone else. Even on the internet I find it difficult to find people I can relate to. I'd say I feel alone sometimes because of that, but not lonely. I wish many things, but having friends isn't one of them. I consider myself a nihilist, but I still indulge in art, music, literature. I hate small/trivial/pointless talks. 90% of normies' conversations consist of gossip. They love gossiping. They love talking about other people's lives and I find it disgusting. I don't care about anyone but myself. I don't even watch the News because I don't care about what happens in the world.


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>Do you know what true loneliness is, anon?

I know way too good.

>Because even here i am not accepted, which would have been something.

Same, here you go.. someone with similar situation. This too would be something for me to feel like I somehow belong on this site but it's mainly just relating to some things on /dep but not most people and most people here are trolls (polacks/crab snobs/larpers/zoomers) anyway.


It's ok, that means it's obviously not your fault. It's theirs. You are a victim.


yes, thats correct. And that loneliness is something that you actively create in your mind and choose to believe in and live in


It's true, there's an element of self-deception there. Despite the bitterness of that reality, it also holds the comfort of knowing you don't have to try. A part of it is constructed from true experience of alienation but the rest is merely a convenient presupposition. If there is truly nothing out there, then there is no need to seek and one can at least be content with the perceived certainty of it. Many of us would rather have security than a true bond.


For the last few years I want to move out of my parent's house.
But the thing is that the comfort zone is killing me, my mom is making me food and I don't have to bother with rent so I have extra money. But as the time goes by, I mentally suffer.
I can't get my shit together in order to move out, I'd most likely get to rent a room and live with some people under one roof. But as long as I have my own room I think it won't be so bad.
I simply don't know how would I function, will I be able to maintain my "good habits" to not feel like shit etc.

I really want to get out of this place. I will soon be 27, already gave up on "normal life" just wanna live in peace with myself. But I can't push myself out there. Has any of you gone through this transition successfully?
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Similar here. Lived alone or with room mates for about almost 9 years and it totally was not worth it. All I have learned is that I can function alone and do housekeeping on my own. The very few moments where you actually are happy that you are by yourself are not worth it at all.
On the other hand I think you can only truly appreciate living with your parents once you have lived by yourself for a while. Before that you feel dependent on them and if on top of that your family situation is stressful then you will wish to move out. But I can say that living on your own is very stressful as well. You have to do everything by yourself and can't expect any help from others and when you don't feel good it can be hell because house chores don't solve themselves. It's a delusion that you gain true freedom once you move out from your parents house in fact you become even more dependent and have much more things to do.
However it all depends on your relation to your parents I guess. Luckily my parents don't really mind me as long as I do basic daily chores.


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I've got a fairly secure situation myself, at least insofar as the long game is concerned. That being in regards to the point at which both of my parents have shuffled off their mortal coils, since, fortunately enough for me, our house is paid off & will be left for me to remain in. Being that's the case, I'm still really not looking forward to it. My mother, in particular, does a lot of things, both large & small, (like cooking my meals, being concerned about my health, talking to me when I'm feeling down, etc.), that would be really shitty to get by without. Every day brings it closer & closer however, so sooner or later I'll have to face it. Will it be enough of a blow to have me want to kill myself as a result? Possibly, but I feel like my fundamental security would have to be at stake to really push me over the edge, which would, naturally, need to take the form of losing the house somehow, along with my NEETbux & facing the imminent prospect of homelessness. Again though, the prospect of shuffling along grief stricken in this dusty old house, totally alone & adrift in the world minus my parents, isn't exactly appealing to me either. In other words, no matter what happens, I'm basically on the losing end of this. It'll certainly be interesting, that is when the time comes, to feel the sensation & experience of what it's like to know that there's no one left in the entire world who loves me, or even gives a single, solitary fuck about my existence. Not even a cat, since we have no pets. I can only imagine the briefest glimpses of it now and it always manages to terrify me & fill me with dread.


>considering the fact that I have zero life skills and don't even know how to pay a bill.

I worry about things like this as well. Next to paying bills, what will I do when the shingles on the roof need to be replaced, or other maintenance related tasks that might come up? What about if something else goes wrong? Like with the plumbing? I won't have the money to pay a plumber, plus I'm so autistic & stupid the guy could probably try to swindle me somehow and I wouldn't even know it. Mowing the lawn or getting groceries are also issues, but I could probably just pay sPost too long. Click here to view the full text.


I know exactly how you feel…trapped by the fact that I can live whatever way I want, in as much comfort as I want, because I don't have to pay rent or pay for anything, food will always be put on the table and I'll never be pressured to move out. Its one of the biggest things, if not the biggest things thats held me back. I always have the option to sleep in as long as I like, retreat into my room for as long as I like, leave the house as little as possible, etc.

I think moving out should be a goal for people like us even if that means living on your own, but as others have mentioned not necessarily a good idea as a permanent situation.

What I think is much more important is developing basic life skills, independant living skills like cooking and cleaning for yourself, doing chores around the house, doing your laundry, ironing, gardening, having a schedule of things that you actually do for yourself and around the house.

Even the simplest of things, like showering at least once every day, brushing your teeth, keeping your room clean, making sure you've got clean clothes to wear. Those really simple little things seem inconsequential and pointless and insignifcant in the face of depression and your problems, ie irrelevant to your situation and helping you, but really, you will be suprised about how much of a difference these things will make for the better, compared to when you're not staying on top of them.


just get them then, get the life skills. Go to the doctor and tell them you believe you had attention deficit disorder since its highly likely that you do anyway, and by giving them a rundown of your situation and history they will probably agree and give you a prescription for ritalin. That is going to give you the ability to do these things which you currently can't initiate and/or sustain for long enough because of dopamine issues. You've most likely damaged your brain from technology usage, porn and masturbation, and just not developing the right routines and responsibilities when you were growing up.


>Go to the doctor and tell them you believe you had attention deficit disorder

*have attention deficit disorder. And no there's no issue with doing this as an adult, it happens all the time. My doctor mentioned people who were 40-60 years old finally being diagnosed and getting medication.

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In primary school I was bullied by 50% of the students in my class.
In middle school I was bullied by 75% students of my class.
In high school it was once again 50% of the class.

By bullying I mean being bullied by one person at least 2 times.

Does it mean that potentially 50% of the people of earth are my enemies?
Its quite logical conclusion.
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there's always a reason why , be it good or bad. If you're poor and live in country with mandatory school while being a white peron you're kinda fuckt in a way and there's nothing really you can do about it. What i mean by being a white is that you can't be in a school dominated by immigrants/ poor because their not degenerate white people . They have a culture and they don't like outsiders that much . They will group up and you will be a target.


I hate when people say 'sense' to describe it, I think that people can tell from your appearance that you are weak, yeah sure but they will also be testing peoples boundaries constantly until they find someone who just won't fight back someone who will just take their abuse and be hurt by it…


Wait till you get in to the workforce.

Workplace bullying is really something else. I’m leaving my job because of it.


I did have to leave one once because of it or I was probably going to get fired anyways. Basically it was more undermining me to shift the blame to someone else if I happened to be around or on a register when it happened. Or I would have impossible responsibilities to keep up with as one person in a short amount purposely piled on to me and then someone would draw attention to it and try to get me in trouble for it which didn't quite work so I got written up the most for solid things out of my control. My current one isn't too bad up front, there's just a lot of shit talking and you never know whats being said. I only know because one dude who of course quit told me at the time. It's always there wherever I go it's just more subtle or up front depending on the place.


>I guess everybody in angry motorists quarrel is a bully victim now.

Has anyone ever yelled at you from a car before? It definitely feels and seems like bullying. In reality some very young guy is just yelling at whoever he sees on the street for the lulz, with his friends doing it to and egging him on. The reason why people do this is because its fun to see the reactions and it gets such a quick reaction and easy rise out of people.

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