/dep/ - Depression

I fucking loathe being autistic, I fucking hate how I can have articulate thoughts in my head yet can only muster and spew out the same few fucking phrases irl because I’m caught off guard and don’t know what to say

I hate how pathetic I am, I’m so fucking clumsy, my hand coordination is awful. Im always dropping shit which only makes me look like more of a retard

Most of all I hate the way other people look at me, there two “looks” I get from people. The first is the pitiful one. They see how pathetic I am, how socially inept, awkward and harmless I am and take pity on me like they would with a dementia patient. The other “look” is the hateful/judgmental one. They assume due to my awkwardness, my uncanny demeanour, ugly face and lack of height that I’m some kind of freak/someone to be suspicious of. They look at me like I’m some kind of sex pest/serial killer when all I’m doing is just existing

I put in the effort, I workout every day, I eat well, I keep good hygiene, I try, lord knows I fucking try, but I have to ask what’s the point? It won’t change anything. I can’t cure this awful plague of the mind I was born with, I’ll never be accepted or even tolerated by normies so why make an effort? Why try in life and work hard when I don’t even get the slightest bit of respect from the people around me? Part of me wants to just stay in my room stuffing my face with junk food and playing vidya all day but if I did that I’d only be more miserable.

Any other wizards have this condition? If so how do you cope with it?

How do I make a "backup" of legal, medical, economic, etc- instructions in case I, indeed, suddenly die of any random cause on any given day? Things such as: DNR orders\status , stopping myself from having my organs harvested whilst Im alive (organ "donation"), stuff such as ,in my case, declaring I will NOT have a funeral or even burial, Im dead don't waste cash in me, let the State deal with my corpse, or what to do with my investments\ savings\ funds\ belongings.
Do I write it all on a pendrive, and tell a few people of high trust to just read that document if I die?

>Were you emotionally neglected as a child?
I wonder if this led me to become who I am now, at least in social settings.
I have no idea if I suffered from this, although I remember times when I was told not to cry, or I got used to not crying over silly things that perhaps maybe weren't silly for a child.
I read those internet ads about caring for parents and children, and they recommended hugs, affection, and not denying children's pain and suffering, and that the best thing is to get it off the emotions of their chest or body.
but if this doesn't happen, then they build up a shell, armor, or something like that because they mask or hide these emotions automatically out of pure habit and training. and later they will have trouble releasing their emotions from their bodies. Babies and toddlers do this naturally when they cry.
>Also
I can't remember the last time I cried with all my might or something like that.
I wonder if this led me to be the way I am now, at least in a social way. I wonder if I can treat it. I read from an anon that some of these things can only be treated with love. But the truth is confusing.
Maybe my brain is already like this, although I read that the brain can change, as can one's habits and feelings.

"You have to interview someone from another culture and write an essay on their responses"

What exactly am I supposed to do? Where exactly do I begin to look for an interviewee? It's not like I know ANYONE. My entire extended family hates me. My friends have all vanished. And the entire system as a whole has done nothing except set me up for failure. I'm 22, and I've worked 17 jobs in the past 4 years and nothing stuck. I spent 99% of my time in Elementary, Middle School, and Highschool in semi-permanent I.S.S. (In School Suspension) because of my Asperger's diagnosis. Which inevitably forced me to drop out and get my GED.

I've been voluntarily homeless before to escape a broken household with a psychotic & narcissistic mother. I've driven from the South, to the Southeast to the Midwest multiple times looking for something to hold onto. Either to reconnect with some friends I had in high-school in the hopes to establish some kind of camaraderie/fellowship. Or when someone I met on CS:GO offered to let me be their roommate. Nothing ever seemed to work. There was always SOMETHING that happened to set me back. It was always one step forwards and two steps back. Either I lost my job, had a manic episode, or crashed my car and got saddled with a $400 quacked-up ticket from a cop who wasn't on the scene until a whole hour after the accident even occurred.

I figured after all the trouble, that maybe I should attend community college. Unfortunately, now I have to navigate this academic labyrinth which is filled with countless obstacles that are designed to single people like me out so we can be removed from society. What am I supposed to do? If I withdraw I'm stuck with debt (albeit only the first semesters worth), even then I can't even land a job that lasts for more than 3 months at a time, so paying it off would be hopeless. If I choose to keep going at it, I'll likely fail and end up with a horrible GPA that'll ruin my chances at climbing any corporate ladder.

It feels like every opportunity taken has lead to nothing but failure. There hasn't been anything in my life I've ever been successful at. It feels as though the writing is on the wall. Only this time the consequences to be faced by choosing either fork in my path will end up being nothing short of insurmountable.

I look at people like Adam Shephard (Scratch Beginnings) and Chris McCandless (maybe even Ted Kaczynski) and see that either they are able to mPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

have you ever been told you had no personality? I was told that when I was a kid. it hurts. one day, I asked the psychologist I was told that and if it was true, she said that's not true because some people do that just to put you down, she said. I believed her but now I'm thinking I don't have a personality and people without personality exist and she was wrong (she maybe just said that to make me happier about myself).
I noticed I was a contrarian and thats my whole personality:being contrarian. but everybody can be contrarian therefore it's not a real personality, and so I have no personality. damn it suck being a NPC (I hate that buzzword).
I'm not telling you how to get a personality because it would be fake and it will show, I don't know maybe I just want to know your reactions over this. maybe you too was told you had no personality and can relate to this post and feel like a NPC too.

Is anyone else lacking formative, human experiences? I've never:

>Dated anyone
>Had an actual friend
>Had a real conversation that went past surface level shit. Not with anybody, not even with my parents, they just say "Oh yeah anon me too…now I need to rant about my day,"
>Had a in-depth conversation about my hobbies and interests past "Yeah I like X"
>Been anywhere or done anything really, I mostly just sit in front of my PC.

I'm 25 now. I realize I have no framework for connecting with people – I don't have a lack of empathy or anything, in fact I'd say I feel for people too strongly sometimes. I just can't connect with them. I'm polite and quiet and that's it.

>What about online relationships

Outside of imageboards, I basically don't exist.

I feel like 25 is too late too. I know it's not "old" but most people my age have been to concerts, have had foundational experiences like heartbreak or just smoking weed after class with friends, etc. and then I'm a blob who's never even been to anyone's house or been invited anywhere. I feel like my soul hasn't been developed. I know I have a mind and moral systems and thoughts but I have no way of communicating them without a lot of deliberation. There's nothing there. I don't know. But can anyone else relate?

Looks like my father was a psychopath, not being able to tell apart "tears of happniess" cry from "manipulative crybaby" cry.

Looks like I would not be able to handle growing up in his house anyway.

Isolation has carved me in its image and likeness. The presence of another person- of any person whatsoever - instantly slows down my thinking, and while for a normal man contact with others is a stimulus to spoken expression and wit, for me it is a counterstimulus, if this compound word be linguistically permissible. When all by myself, I can think of all kinds of clever remarks, quick comebacks to what no one said, and flashes of witty sociability with nobody. But all of this vanishes when I face someone in the flesh: I lose my intelligence, I can no longer speak, and after half an hour I just feel tired. Yes, talking to people makes me feel like sleeping. Only my ghostly and imaginary friends, only the conversations I have in my dreams, are genuinely real and substantial, and in them intelligence gleams like an image in a mirror.

The mere thought of having to enter into contact with someone else makes me nervous. A simple invitation to have dinner with a friend produces an anguish in me that's hard to define. The idea of any social obligation whatsoever attending a funeral, dealing with someone about an office matter, going to the station to wait for someone I know or don't know - the very idea disturbs my thoughts for an entire day, and sometimes I even start worrying the night before, so that I sleep badly. When it takes place, the dreaded encounter is utterly insignific ant, justifying none of my anxiety, but the next time is no different: I never learn to learn.

'My habits are of solitude, not of men.' I don't know if it was Rousseau or Senancour who said this. But it was some mind of my species, it being perhaps too much to say of my race.”

Text 49, The Book of Disquiet by Fernando Pessoa

Last year I did a community college course in construction, it was a nice little multi skills course in a small building in the middle of nowhere where, there were only 100 or so people there, it was great, unfortunately I failed to get an apprenticeship and have to do another community college course

It’s landscaping, which seems pretty nice, only issue is that it’s in a very large building, it’s the college’s main building, it’s fucking huge and there’s over 1000 attendees

I am absolutely fucking dreading it

Pray for me bros

The truth about life is, it’s a dog-eat-dog world. The people who’ve lived the most exclusive, powerful lives in human history didn’t get there by playing fair. They raped, they stole, they killed. They didn’t just steal wallets; they stole land, resources, whole economies. They didn’t rob a bank, they became the bank. And the world rewarded them for it.