/dep/ - Depression

>How old are you?
24
>What brought you to where you are?
my mental illness and a depressing childhood envionment, and parental neglect
>What prevents you from changing?
my lack of energy, motivation and ability, and my sensitivity to negative stimuli

>>295481
tbh I'm really fascinated by the schizoid personality. I still get confused about whether you guys are better than everybody for lacking emotions and just accept everything…

>>293806
>How old are you?
29

>What brought you to where you are?
Some degree of autism probably. I first realised that I'm "different" around the age of 4 or 5. Other kids seemed to be able to intuitively socialise with others, but I was and still am really confused about social interactions. I just don't know what to say, nothing comes to my mind during conversations. So I became a social outcast.
Also apathy, this post >>295481 is an excellent description of it. I also learnt to read very early in my life, and have been escaping into fantasy since then. Maybe I dreamed too big and had unrealistic expectations about life, maybe a child is not supposed to absorb so much fiction at an age where everything has such a big influence on your development.

>What prevents you from changing?
I guess the belief that real life sucks. Working 12 hours a day, if you include the self-improvement like working out and grinding competences, just to have a little pleasure maybe once a week seems like a really bad deal. I'd rather get by doing the necessary minimum and resting the rest of the time.

>>296127
Paranoid about whether they are in the same boat. People say you could not speak to autists for years and they would be in the same boat, but schizoids, I don't know.

>>296157
what do you mean by being in the same boat?

>how old are you?
31
>What brought you to where you are?
A combination of being born in a world where no one understood autism, constant heartbreak, dejection by peers and in some cases parents.
>What prevents you from changing?
The fear of being hurt…again.

>>296162
The ability to remain within the same contexts in which you related to them last time. Schizoids are unrelatable daydreamers / mystics. Compare Kaczynski vs. Chris Chan, a lolcow. The majority of them are married, there is also a huge demographic of low iq people incapable of understanding the misery of having a low-wage job + a family + children so that they can feel it. He may devolve into a normie

>>293806
>How old are you?
39.

>What brought you to where you are?
Autism, obesity, introversion, hot-blooded emotional state.

>What prevents you from changing?
I've changed a lot over the decades, but the more things change the more they stay the same.

>>293806
39 year old KV.

>shaken as a baby by my father, damaging my brain for life
>continued to be violently abused by my father neglected by mother
>violently bullied in school for being fat and in the special education class for 12 years, I always got punished for standing up for myself but they never got so much as a slap on the wrist for starting shit
>never so much as hold hands with a succubus throughout that time, didn't even try because I knew my place in the pecking order
>only copes are video games, cartoons, and lots and lots of junk food
>parents divorce and mom works two full-time jobs while occasionally bringing home prison filth to fuck
>graduate high school
>don't go into higher education
>NEET for several years because I have no idea what to do or where to go
>get first job
>get fired a few months later for no apparent reason
>continue to neet for another few years
>continue the cycle of getting shit jobs for a few to several months and getting fired, usually on account of workplace bullying
>discover /fit/, stop being fat, but then gain it all back because of the cycle of depression and binge-eating
>repeat a few more times, losing about 100-200 lbs each time, then gaining it all back because the depression and the addiction to junk food always comes creeping back
>grandmother dies, get $30,000 inheritence
>best time of my life for a couple years pissing most of it down the drain on stupid shit like the $5000 computer I'm using to type this post, but also some good shit like my first car
>get job that I stay with long enough to get better job
>promoted to full-time position for the first time in my life
>eventually move out for the first time; I'm over 30 at this point
>wage-slave for about 5 years
>become more and more burnt-out, more and more depressed and angry and feeling trapped and miserable thanks to perpetually "faking-it-til-I-make-it" as books like How To Win Friends taught, more than I had ever been
>even though for about half this time I was relatively thin and even getting hit on by hot chicks for the first time in my life, but I'm too spergy to know what to do about it
>have crush on chick at work for months and finally confess and am turned down, the only time in my life I actually tried to get with a succubus
>one night I'm exercising and skinnier than I'd ever been but I'm still flabby from the loose skin from decades of being morbidly obese, I'm so weak from several months of -1000 calorie deficit and been plateaued on the weight loss for almost as much time, have a mental breakdown because I realize I'll never get /fit/ enough to finally feel comfortable enough in my own body to finally lose my virginity
>all motivation to lift and diet gone
>stop exercising and gain about 250 lbs, which has stayed to this very day
>covid lockdowns
>lose job
>decide to go back to NEET life
>years later diagnosed with diabetes (miraculous that it took this long)
>still utterly and completely burnt-out and having completely given up on life and everything ever since that nervous breakdown, feel lonelier, more miserable, more disconnected and dissociated from the rest of the world, fatter and tired than even when I was working at that "good" job
>today I have zero motivation to lift a finger except to play video games, watch cartoons, and shitpost on the Internet, just like when I was a teenager in the early 00's

>>296650
so…its true: things get worse over time…

>>296651
I forgot to mention starting about a year ago I finally managed to get on neetbux. It's not much and I'm living with my father (we've mostly reconciled now, though I did have to blow up and beat the shit out of him once in order for his abuse to stop) so I don't have to sink a shit ton of said neetbux into rent/etc. So I guess things are outwardly better. But I'm still a 500-lb (I miss being under 250-lb very much) lonely and unloved virgin with no friends who feels little more but bitter and hateful towards both myself and the rest of the world.

>>296653
good job 👍 for the neetbux
what happened to your mother?
hope things will be better for you you deserve it

>>296654
>good job 👍 for the neetbux
Thank you. Now if only I learned from my inheritance mistake and not piss it away on dumb shit like a $1000 Linux tablet. (Purism Librem11 if you're curious.)

>what happened to your mother?
Died of lung cancer about ten years ago; don't smoke, kids!

>hope things will be better for you you deserve it
Thank you again.

>>296655
sorry for your loss, wizzie.

>Purism Librem 11
do you know how to draw? can you draw something an oekaki?

>>296656
>do you know how to draw?
Nah, that's one of those things I've wanted to learn but never got around to it, mostly because I'm lazy.

>>296657
>because I'm lazy
I know that feeling too…very well

>>296658
nta
i think its admirable to live with the least effort (guess why lol)

>>296660
>guess why lol
because it's stressless maybe

>>293806
26
Prolonged self isolation and an inability to form connections with anyone beyond the acquaintance level. Naively believing that things would naturally improve as I matured through memes like gym and career. IRL I come across as stonefaced and never speak.
>What prevents you from changing?
Feels like the only thing that would fix me is getting a new brain as nothing I've tried has been enough.

>What prevents you from changing?
The fact that you CAN'T change. That it's completely impossible, and all you do is shit everything up whenever you try.

I posted this elsewhere but I feel it belongs here, too:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DR5n2H6Jehg

>>296657
unrelated but i love those succubi, cant believe im more than a decade older than them despite being like 4 years younger when i read the VN

>>293806
28
>University dropout due lack of motivation and money
>No job, I'm a leech in my parents house.
>Dont want keep living but cant comit to suicide either

How you find this place
>JewTuber I'm subscribe to made a video about this miserable place. Seems comfy so I came here to lurk time to time.

>>293806 (OP)
31
> What brought you here?
I would say it snowballed from an early age. One thing led to the other, it is like a chain of events and various factors.
I still remember, that as a kid, the time where I was pretty "normal" and very "social" with other kids. Then something happened. But it's pretty complex and involves a lot of factors: parents, environment, etc

> What prevents you from changing
I would say the extreme case of social anxiety (but it's gotten better over the years, or so I think and say to myself)
That's one of the things that I can't fix no matter how much I try. The exposure "therapy" thing did not help, it just doesn't work.

I can be employed and do the work so the autism is probably not that strong, but it still feels like a death sentance for employment. I have failed so many interviews.
Let alone the normies struggle. For artists, it's like a death sentence.

im 33, going to be 34 soon, i have never had a job, cant drive, never had sex, you know, the whole thing.

i had a psychotic episode and was diagnosed a schizoid, i can never be normal, besides being physically repulsive im also mentally unwell.

I spend my days studying poetry and the occult. The only thing that keeps me going is im no longer a angst filled teenager and creation of art.

31 Year Old.
>Autistic
>No social skills
>can't understand social cues to save my fucking life
>video games almost every chance I get
>Not athletic AT ALL
>Grew up from a single mother home
>Live in a sisterfucker town that doesn't understand autism
>can't move

It's a shitshow.

>>296791
>video games almost every chance I get

you list this like it's a bad thing. Plus, from my experience, normal (not wizards) folk play them constantly.
My brother is a super normie and practically plays them all day every day while having a remote job and a wife.

Dead parent, emo attitude, bullying, no friendsish, school was hell particularly before high school, 32, changing is hard idk… Never good with routine or self discipline on certain things, ,….

>>293806
>How old are you?
21
What brought you to where you are?
I was here a couple of years ago but then I took the bluepill and dived headfirst into the normalfag lifestyle. It felt good for a while but it all felt wrong, I started realizing I didn't like the people around me, the life I was living, and the person I was becoming. This lifestyle has left my sense of self and self worth more scrambled than browsing imageboards and playing vidya ever did. I knew myself then, I had things I did and places I belonged to, now I don't really belong anywhere
>What prevents you from changing?
Fear, lack of discipline, lack of self respect

>How old are you?
38

>What brought you here?
I found the old wizardchan back in 2012 or so. Can't even really remember how I first found it. Maybe via tohnochan?

Either way, I've never been more than an infrequent visitor. But I always ended up coming back.

>What brought you to where you are?
Multiple different factors exacerbating eachother.

Ex-alcoholic mother who's also severely neurotic. Autism. Severe anxiety problems (which have never been taken seriously by anyone, not even when I was in therapy). Avoidance as a coping strategy (see all of the above). And all of that railroaded me into social isolation and depression.

I have tried to come out of my shell more than once. But the one time that really seemed to work, I burned myself out and then I got put on antidepressants. Even though the pills helped me recover, they did almost as much damage as the depression itself.

Nowadays I try to be more social because I have a tolerable job now (the pay is not great, but the hours, benefits and commute are good). But the more I try, the more that I see that aging autistic men aren't actually welcome anywhere.

>What prevents you from changing?
I did manage to change some things for the better. I was forced to stop being a NEET, but moving out into a decent-ish affordable apartment ended up giving me a lot more peace of mind than I thought it would.

OTOH, I fear that I'm just too damn old and autistic for meaningful change. I work with several autistic colleagues, male and female, and it has made me realize just how inescapable the hold of the 'tism really is. Put us all into a social event, and every single one of us defaults to the exact same awkward little autistic reflexes.

My instincts force me to look for romance with a succubus. But the autism makes me unsociable and awkward. Meanwhile, succubi are encouraged to dismiss men over the tiniest flaws, while ugly and awkward men are happily villified.

I honestly wish I could turn off these feelings. I have never asked for them, and I never wanted them. Love and sexuality have brought me nothing but misery, and they have made me worse off in every way.

>>296965
do you bound with your colle1gues?

>>293806
32, I am here because I can't find fulfillment in relationships, and when my brain lights up towards a succubus, turns out she has a myriad of unbearable mental illnesses, even the virgin ones. This is the black pill I will be ruminating through the new year and probably the rest of my life, because despite all the statistics on virgin succubi, they are unsafe individuals to be around. The light at the end of the tunnel was a lie, my worldview is shattered, there is something tightening within my chest at any given time, my eyes gets slightly watery from time to time, I am very, very sad. The temptation is to try to get in contact again, but three weeks without messages is enough of a sign that I have been ghosted, holding back just makes this sadness harder to deal with.
I just want a reason to feel genuine interest in people other than just freeing from loneliness, that is what prevents me from changing.

Desiring relationships is a curse. Being human is a curse.(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

>>297146
Your wish to spread DNA of the body is mundane and unbecoming of a wizard. Instead, disregard females and spread memes, the DNA of the soul.

>>297146
Only one life. Stop being a pussy and call her. Stop living in fear. Accept humanity with its defects.

Things don't have to be perfect to be good.

>>297149
Isn't this like "eat shit because you cannot find any better"? But he is not even talking about a real need, just the degeneracy of male desire dominating his limbic system, his life.

At least he knows that he is cursed with that. He surely lives a life of "thirst" without ever experimenting real, active, healthy horniness… just because he got hardwired to some emotional flaw inside and now that is crossing his brain when even thinking on the opposite sex.

Reject females, reject cooming. Edging and gooning might help to regain the consciousness he needs on this issue. And I say this because I used to be like him long ago, until I started to hate it. Sex is nowadays a warzone to be dominated and the struggle starts inside.

>>297149
All the weight is always put into men, no wonder succubi are so damn corrupted.

>>297146 what is ban reason?

>>297149
>Only one life. Stop being a pussy and call her.
wizchan 2025

>>297162
liking little children (has megumin picrel)

>>293806
>How old are you?
22
>What brought you to where you are?
Im only striving to maintain a status quo and nothing beyond. fucked up my studies even though Im still studying right now. Im not spending the time on things I should, currently Im obsessed with reading manga, light novels and lord of the rings. The last week was spent on learning hearts of iron 4 and other video games as well as watching trash on youtube. I have 0 friends but this is also kind of my fault since I couldve had at least two from school but I rejected them both. I remember myself sperging out once on my classmate friend 5 years ago who was constantly talking about stuff I dont care and since then I had no friends in school anymore.
>What prevents you from changing?
Timidness in every social situation, I just want to get out everytime a stranger might be looking at me. Im addicted to spending my time on everything but mathematics and stuff related to my university. I am unemployable because I cant work physically with my slight disablity and have no skills to work on a computer with besides some programming knowledge but thats worthless. Im worthless.

>>297239
are you learning C.S?
I have some experience with C.S courses, basically if you are not willing to put maximum effort and practice coding for 10 hours each day OUTSIDE of your classes, then you are doomed, it's a skill based major, companies value your skills way more than your degree, when you apply for a job at google corpo, they will give you an algorithmic equation or ask you build a project for them to test your skills, I only suggest people who are willing to put all their free time into it to get into it.

>>293806
>How old are you?
42
>What brought you to where you are?
Twisted perception of the world since forever. No one in my entourage can't read my way of thinking.
Childhood : The classic, constantly bullied, self image disorder, undiagnosed autism, beaten by both classmates and parents. But it was mostly deserved. Grew up poor didn't help.
Teenager : losing friends, social anxiety becomes worse, doing some misdemeanors, but somehow having good grades. Had a failed suicide attempt.
Adulthood : no friend at all but it is good as it is, KHV, the classic again. Balding at 25. Have a shitty, underpaid IT job. Never gone neet, but I'll probably rope myself if that happens. Anyway I still want to exit life but I have not enough resolve nor access to firearms.
>What prevents you from changing?
No self-discipline, health decline beyond repair, unfixable body, short-temper. Living on autopilot for at least 25 years.

>>297241
Not the other guy but I'm in C.S. and where I live it's basically a requirement to get some sort of computer related office job (beyond a basic excel sheet filling job or whatever). Unless you have a degree or finished an apprenticeship in something related, you won't get the job in 98% of cases. But I agree that if you want to get into programming, you have to be excited about the process of programming itself cause most of the time you will be coding nonsense globohomo projects with no real value.

>>293806
>age
26yo apprentice
>why am I here
Social rejection from middle school onward. Became convinced early on that humans are an ugly, evil species and we're stuck in a system where we do meaningless labour for most of our waking hours and get nothing out of it besides the privilege of continuing to work. Retreated into my room, started living on the computer. Got by in school but am struggling to finish my degree now. Relationship with parents is good, we live in a large house and I never have anyone over so I never had any reasons to move out or "make something" of myself.
>why won't I change
I am convinced that we will experience absolute ecological and following that economical and social collapse within our lifetimes. There is nothing out of life that I want that I don't already have. I am reasonably content with reading books, going on walks and such. I'm lucky as it is to live in my current circumstances. I have no hope, no positive outlook for the future and as such, zero motivation to change.

>>297247
>I am convinced that we will experience absolute ecological and following that economical and social collapse within our lifetimes.
same
why bother working hard for your future, when everything points to disasters?
better to live for the day and enjoy life while it's enjoyable

>How old are you?
21

>What brought you to where you are?
Many things. Maybe it has something to do with my mother being depressed ever since I known her. Maybe it has something to do with my dad being a workaholic and thus I never really had a parent, just people who gave me food, clothes and a place to sleep, but where never there. Maybe it has something to do with my brother, who constantly bullied and beaten me almost every day.

What prevents you from changing?

Idk what to call it, maybe it would be bipolar but I don't get anything moment of betterment, just forgetting why I am depressed. And when I become depressed I don't wanna do anything, nothing brings me joy and I get to waste one of the few days off work laying in bed sulking in nothingness because out of no where, nothing makes me happy, I am a shitty person who will never reach my dreams and I should just die. And when this stupid passing phase ends, I don't feel any better, I just get to ignore what is making me depressed.

>>293806
29, kinda fucked thinking back I was around 20-21 when I first visited here if I recall correctly.
I believe the world is mostly deterministic. Your genetics and outside influences, the way your mind adapts to your circumstances during formative years is what makes you what you are.
Free will is likely just an illusion.
I believe I made the best choice, or younger me did, given his knowledge and experience at the time.
Of course, not objectively the best.

>What prevents you from changing?
Inability to take proper action. Likely have ADHD or whatever else so I don't get any dopamine from stuff.
I feel like it's better to point out what makes me change overtime, even if only slightly.
Outside factors. Being forced out of NEETdom, chronic pain from neglected issues. Stuff like that.
External influence. Aside from that, internal influence that results from previous experience such as "if I don't do X I will suffer immensely".
If the threat of future suffering is great enough, it will force me to act.

Therefore, if there is no great enough influence on me I can not change. I am incapable of producing enough of a "cause" to move myself.

Sounds retarded, but it is what it is.
Pic. rel is life. I'm pretty sure I posted a pic of a galton board on this site before. Not this one though.

>>298401
I'm your age, and thinking back to when I was 20-21… Damn, I felt like such an oldfag for crossing the mythical 20 year old milestone

>>298415

Yeah turning 30 soon feels unreal.
When I was in my early 20s I could still pretend like there was going to be some magical montage that turns me from what is basically a child to an adult and it just never happened.
I still don't feel like I'm a proper "grown up".
I recall people using terms like youngwiz or apprentice here often for pre-30 wizard aspirents.
I don't feel much different despite the age and experience now.

Do you feel like a grown adult?

>How old are you?

Twenty-five, nearly twenty-six. Life has been pleasant at times, painful and fraught with regrets, as well as seeming futile despite the amusements I grant myself; however, nothing seems to agitate me more than belligerence and impositions. I foresee myself enjoying the remainder of my life without facing indefatigable turmoil or misfortune. Soon enough my grandparents will perish and leave me what could very well be a hefty inheritance.

>What brought you to where you are?

Timidity is the largest contributor to my celibacy and alienation, that and the consequential indecency and enmity I have endured from people who interpreted my timidity as an exploitable weakness. Facing undeserved scrutiny and denigration from people my entire life has made me a hermit by recourse, there is no joy or wisdom found in unpleasant company. I will not impart anecdotes and their effective influence on my psychology and philosophical beliefs, instead, I will simply allude to their sheer broadness and resolution. Throughout my life I have been ignored, beaten down, discouraged, shunned, and ousted—or perhaps my presentiment incurs this thought process, either way, the past has shaped me into something longing for a better future.

>What prevents you from changing?

Sex is ultimately meaningless, its intrinsically principal modus operandi is to perpetuate the species, therefore making the carnal ecstasy of fornication merely complimentary and altogether unnecessary. Pleasure is a tempting mistress, and even once ravaged she tempts us to despoil ourselves evermore to satisfy her boundless wants.

I will not break the rules of this imageboard, however, there will come a time when my place here shall be rescinded.

“Nothing in excess”

I'm 29 years old, I came to the first iteration of this site when I was 16 because I wanted to talk to other losers like me in a place that banned discussion of sex and relationships, because I just never cared about that stuff and my problems are bigger than something so stupid like that. I sort of have changed, I stopped using imageboards or any social media other than one to one communication with other neet peers and now I play a lot of videogames and watch a lot of movies and TV series and it's a lot better than when I'd waste away talking to random anonymous people that hate me all day. I'd recommend the same for any younger people here that just want to be a peaceful neet that doesn't care about the whole rat race. There are just too many people online, emboldened by some sense of anonymity, that wanna drag you down or rope you into something stupid, it's really not worth interacting with people who seem to just be going with whatever the popular meme culture is right now, a wizneet does his own thing, and most importantly he has fun

>>293806
>How old are you?
33
>What brought you to where you are?
alcoholism and low IQ
>What prevents you from changing?
i quit drinking, but idk, ive been trying a lot of things to get ahead financially but nothing seems to work out. my younger brother retired several years ago from crypto and i've been trying to get him to show me the ropes and how to make money doing that, but he is sort of gatekeeping all his knowledge from me just out of spite, for whatever reason, he doesn't want me to succeed. he pretends to like me but i've heard him making fun of me to his friends when he thought i wasn't listening. ive tried to do a lot of nice things for him in hopes that he will help me make money, but he always makes excuses about helping me.
despite all that, ive been trying to make my own crypto altcoins, but nothing has been successful. i make a nice website, deploy the coin, shill it on twitter, 4chan, and reddit, but no one ever seems to be interested in the coins i make.
i've been working on a game for a couple years now also, but it feels like such a monumental task sometimes that i just put it off for weeks. i have to make a bunch of sprite sheets and stuff and i just dont feel like doing it lately.
also spent awhile trying to edit videos for streamers to upload on youtube but that didnt work out either. just feels like nothing i do ever works out no matter how much work i put in.
all i know is that i refuse to go back to wageslaving. i am not cut out for wageslaving. i dont care if it means i have to leech off my parents or end up homeless or whatever, i am not going to go back to wageslaving ever again.