/dep/ - Depression

I'm so fucking done with this bullshit life I have to live. Videogames and porn used to be my copes, but they don't work anymore.
The worst part is the shame and the pain of turning out like a complete loser after having so much potential. Now I'm getting old and I really don't see the point of keep trying, I know there won't be a happy ending for me.

>>301636
Wow 9/11 where the CIA blew up 3 buildings, 2 to save a Jew from removing the asbestos and to commit insurance fraud and 1 to hide the pentagons spending.
Disturbing.
Idk. I'm too young (29) and not American so it probably doesn't hit hard.
How old are you that it majorly affected you?

Using Reddit too much the last few months damaged my soul. Uninstalled and deleted account now. Time to heal.

>>301648
I don't even know how to use reddit. It has anti bot measures everywhere, but for some reason it doesn't stop bots, only bew users from using the website.
I can't post anywhere because I have low karma, and I have low karma because I can't post anywhere. It's like a vicious cycle. Even the smallest communities have some fucking automods that delete your posts without any explanation.
The worst thing is that it doesn't stop pots. I see AIslop and obvious bot accounts all the time and real people even interact with them and think they are genuine users. It's just that bad.

How is it possible to be depressed and yet remain a meaningful, non-empty person? I think my depression's evolving and I feel like I'm becoming empty. I (may be exaggerating but it's as if I) can't think or engage in anything meaningful anymore, I'm just a walking worthless and sad thing. This and an angst that didn't leave me for the past 10 days

>>301650
compartmentalization. you cut off the part of your life that makes you depressed and focus on anything else that you can that isn't connected to it. if others make you depressed, you learn to live and thrive in isolation.

>>301650
You can only do something about it if you are meaningfully low IQ.
Unfortunately these mental copes where you try to brainwash yourself only work if you can believe it.
Same with religion and the rest. Unless you can reach true faith you'll just fall even harder the next time.

The thing that keeps me going personally is mortality.
Internalize it deeply. You will die, this will end someday.
Work your way up from there. Figure out things that you still wish to experience and go through the motions.
Might not give you any real joy, but it can keep you moving and it can be a reasonable "meaning".

>>301650
Sometimes I wonder whether all the emotions and motives you see displayed in media, especially film, are a reality for most people. Because to me it is not the case. I think that these acted emotions are more like a substitute for the real thing, and I wonder whether most people actually do not have these emotions and it's just that everyone consumes the media to replace their own lack of deep, precise, authentic, meaningful feelings, as real life feelings mostly are meaningless, stupid, dull, chaotic, a nuisance.

>>301653
Observe normies, preferably those who are close to you or are feeling safe enough to be vulnerable and authentic.
Normies do feel these emotions strongly, they just don't display it in public settings as often.

I was diagnosed schizoid and I still have emotions, they just are out of balance, I can feel the full spectrum, it just takes a LOT, to the extent you might consider it fake or acting.
I feel them most strongly if I imagine scenarios of where I or a third person is experiencing them and I do so through this imaginary entity.
Try doing it yourself, maybe it works for you.
Daydream about a last stand as a valiant knight protecting their home or family or whatever you wish.
Those feelings, the buttons, circuits etc. are in there somewhere, the environment and what you've been shaped into just isn't conducive to pressing them.

Again, observe people and preferably those who aren't in a setting where they feel e to express themselves.
Alternatively look at minorities or other low IQ people. They lack the filter or the filter isn't strong enough and the mask slips easier.
They will jump for joy, shout with glee or fury often as a knee-jerk response. Modern people have been conditioned against this.

>>301646
That's not the issue.
The issue is that men who were just born when I was in my teens, some of whom were born to teen pregnancy from my peers, are now in their 20s.

It's unnerving.

I work at my parent's business but they don't pay me a dime because I'm neet. Really depresses me.

Before you call me underaged I'm 32. I've been doing this for years

I'm pretty sure my psychiatric medication gave me diabetes. I'm thirsty and hungry all the time and I pee a lot. But I can't quit it because my family forces me to take my meds, and if I don't take them, they threaten to kick me out.
I'm at loss of what to do. They woud rather have me drugged and sick above anything else.

>>301661
Can't you only pretend to take the pills? Or break them in half and take half doses?

>>301655
Man the whole passage of time thing is really depressing.
Especially when it's shoved in your face like that, I get what you mean now.
I met some former classmates what felt like ages ago and they had their 5 year old with them.
That kid is now 11 or 12 probably.

For me weeks pass like nothing, every weekend is uneventful, I never take action, never took action before, just keep on daydreaming.
I don't know why doing stuff is so difficult, when everyone around me is living life just fine.
Here I am working up the nerve to make a phone call for an appointment I've been putting off for months and that is basically the max capacity for action I got for a day.
Normies do a hundred things a day without issues.
I just don't get it.

I'll be 30 soon and just the thought is killing me knowing how much I should have done by now and how little I did do.
The loss of youth and health too… All the things I put off are going from "maybe someday" to "I won't be able to ever do them no matter what as time runs out".
If the past 20 years are something to go by, my future projection is looking grim.

Are you having similar thoughts? What pains you the most about the realization that time has flown by?

>>301656
I know that feeling, i almost ended up "wageslving" at my brother's store i did it some days 12 hours a day six days a week and 0 in wage, basically unpaid labor, sucks when your family forces you to do so just so they won't kick you out.

>>301656
humilation ritual hoping you find a way out, being able to live would improve my life on many levels

>>301669
They really guilt trip you don't they? You feel like a piece of shit because you don't work and then you feel the fear of maybe being on the street. It's pure exploitation.

>>301670
I even asked them to pay me half of what they pay others but I just get exasperated sighs. Like why won't they help me a little? It's because they really don't want us to succeed. even a couple bucks helps a neet…

>>301671
to them you are a perfect target to enslave, sorry about your struggle but your family is literally exploiting you since you have no other option besides of going homeless and hungry, it's way worse than being a regular wagecuck since you get paid literally 0.

Reading all these parents stories I'm grateful for my mom.
She let me basically NEET from 18-27 and only asked me to work out of worry for my future after she dies.
Still doesn't take any money from me.
If not for my father fucking me up pretty bad before they split it would have been a better life.

I wish you guys the best. Wouldn't getting at least a part time job be better than working for free like this?
I'm guessing they'd just take your money anyways.

>>301671
You should fuck everything there up, with my blessing!

>>301674
Biting the hand that feeds you, clothes you, and shelters you is not the best idea.

>>301675
Wrong they only feed him so they can torment and abuse him, he should tell his parents to fuck off and die and somehow try to survive on his own

>>301676
Wrong, you're an idiot.

>>301677
No he's correct.

>>301649
The artificial system of communication is one of the most annoying aspects of reddit I agree. The rating mechanism in combination with highly overmoderated environments only validates comments and opinions that are accepted upon and fit in to the limits of what is agreed upon, it excludes everything else by either banning it or making it practically invisible. It not only matters what opinion you have, but how you formulate it, you have to adapt to a certain pattern of conveying information or else you will be ignored or excluded.

The worst part for me is the omnipresent and blatant will to brag about your life, your achievements, your gaming or hobby skills, your success in work, relationships or general aspects of living a good life by the definition of redditors. The bragging over there is rampant. Then there's an annoying kind of humor displayed, it feels so fake and not funny that I wish to go back to 4chn after that. The basic tone is a mix of being passive-aggressive but more the hubris to comment from a superior perspective because you know it all, have things figured out and other normal people with normal struggles just are too stupid to understand this. They think everything that does not agree with them is toxic or just not intelligent enough. They think their intellect is superior and if you don't fit in their system you simply are too dumb, everything can be excluded with the explanation that it is uttered by people who 'just haven't figured it out' yet. All this bragging is immersed in a fixed layer of atheism and scientific pretense. They fully adopted a materialistic world view and resort to measurements and making judgments via quantity, not quality, and when you don't agree you are again just too stupid. The ideas related to social interactions and relations are even worse than what you will find in decent normalfags, people that you meet on the streets or in the supermarket. Reddit believes that social relations have to work in very specific narrow ways that don't leave any room for excitement or polarity, again if you don't go with the flow you are banned, made invisible, or as you mentioned you can't post in the first place as you lack Karma.

>>301680
The latter part of your post happens because most redditors are autistic or on the spectrum.

They even acknowledge it themselves when you google reddit threads on why+redditors+autistic

>>301684
If you don't know, most of reddit "autists" are self-diagnosed or did some diagnosis shopping. Reddit is a normie website, it's just full of morons.

Truth is I don't think there's anywhere on the internet worth visiting now. I go through cycles of quitting then getting bored sitting in my room and then going back on to refresh. There's literally nothing to do .

>>301664
Those people grew out in the sun, we grew in dark, dingy basements. If you get a good start in life in your teens, lets say you have friends and people like you, a good family, you'd feel an innate sense of "I'm worthwhile. I'm allowed to exist and go do things. I *can* do things." and as you progress through life things would naturally accumulate. You'd go to university, you'd make more friends, you'd probably find a field of interest to dedicate your time to, and the social world you inhibit would provide a suitable context. I never had a context, I never felt comfortable in my skin, people seemed to ignore me, some of this was my fault, but I didn't know what to do about it. I didn't have a friendly face to relate with or give me advice. I think all our problems stem from this generalized lack of belonging, put a human in a blank room like Squidward when he's a l o n e and guess what'll happen - unless you're a genuine schizoid you need other people to relate yourself back to, otherwise it's all pointless. It's not rocket science, it's why most wizards/hikkis/neets/whatever are the way they are. I always knew this intrinsically but couldn't do anything so ignored it. I was a happy child in school surrounded by peers and friends and must've felt an innate subconscious ease about life, even as an eight year old. Growing up stole my humanity and I've been a do-nothing isolated wreck since.

>>301687
it do be like that

Why do all my family members yap at me for what feels like hours? I avoid them whenever I can because I know if I'm stuck in the same room they'll start dumping all their emotional problems and anecdotes on me while I sit there staring blankly.

I fucking hate cars, I fucking hate people into cars. The shittiest hobby that attracts the most niggerish and least self aware of normalfaggots.

I hate that half my childhood was spent moving piece of shit wrecks around from one part of the lawn to another. Car niggers never fucking manage to get projects done.

>>301704
Those sound like poor carfags.

Being around car enthusiasts who actually have money and skill to restore, repaint and detail a nice Porsche or BMW or a classic car is pretty awesome.

Watching walking videos from Europe and America is such weird reality check. To think that I have spend last 10 years with people who live in totally different society. I have leave the fucking internet. I can't cope with this breach in reality anymore.

>>301688
I didn't respond immediately, because honestly I have nothing to add aside from my own nonsensical rants about determinism as if prompted by part of what you wrote.
I've done a lot of self reflecting over the years, retelling my life to myself, sometimes others and drawing a straight line from birth to today with all the the influences both internal and external.

I know this sounds like an eternal victimhood, but I seek no pity. I hope people here will understand.
I wholeheartedly believe at every step of the way I made the absolute best decision, the optimal choice, the correct path.
That is, given my understanding at the time, my abilities at the time, my options at the time as influenced by my biology and past experiences up until the point of each decision.

Some things we are predisposed to by birth, most others are a result of experiences warping us.
Like a machine that learns a new algorithm after a traumatic event, new heuristics to apply to decisions.
You know how people learn not to touch the stove after being burnt once as a kid.
This extends to more complex behavior as well.

I agree with your assertions if I understood them correctly. The normal had positive experiences enhancing them, us, we either had negative ones or simply a lack.
Some wizards are like this without major trauma.
Your post made me realize that just by lacking the positive reinforcements one might still be warped in such a way.
One thing is for certain, most of us I believe have been rejected by life in some way, the rest probably rejected life themselves for their own reasons.

I relate a lot to what you write about being uncomfortable in your skin since day one. I was born quite premature, my birth and subsequent survival can be considered a "miracle of modern medicine".
Maybe that is part of it.
I always felt quite empty and foreign. I made many attempts at fitting in, but I was rejected by both kin and outsiders alike.
It was made extremely clear in my youth that I am not wanted, that there was something fundamentally wrong with me.
At times I had a "friend" mostly one guy that somehow tolerated me, but often this didn't last.
They weren't like me, just tolerated me out of pity or whatever soon to be discarded due to social pressure. You know, as the guy is normal and interacts with the rest of the community, while I'm the unwanted attachment made obviously clear to them…

Either way, I never quite figured out what the issue is. Nobody told me either.
I'm not hideous, I don't say offensive things, I tried to be polite, I tried to be a clown, I tried many things.

>I was a happy child in school surrounded by peers and friends and must've felt an innate subconscious ease about life, even as an eight year old.
I somehow never had this, yet I still view my younger self as more happy, still able to feel joy.
At the age I would feel sad and even despair every night, but I still had hope. Maybe if I do something else they would like me… I was ignorant enough to keep the hope.

>Growing up stole my humanity and I've been a do-nothing isolated wreck since.
I wonder what can be done about this though, because I feel like the damage has been done and it also seems irreparable.
Like some plastic chair with a leg that buckled and bent once. It will always bend and buckle at that damaged part no matter what. You can reinforce it sure, but it will never be the same.
Not to mention as an adult there isn't much you can do. Most communities and connections are set in stone at this time.
I'm not even sure I want them anymore either.

If the social validation, the world and people around you providing context to your existence is the key to prosperity as you seem to indicate, then I'll just come out and say we are absolutely fucked.
The context provided is that all struggle is futile and I am not wanted or needed.
Giving up goes against instincts. Even understanding all this. Accepting your fate like this feels like being a terminal patient waiting for demise trying to come to terms with it.
You can delude yourself with whatever copes you desire, but the subconscious knows what's going on and sees through it.
It's hard to accept such things…

Sorry for the long pointless rant, especially if I misunderstood parts of what you wrote and misappropriated your thoughts imposing my own.

My worldview has undergone significant changes recently and I think this is probably one of the few places where I can share my thoughts without having them be rejected immediately for going against the grain. I am now much more comfortable and almost completely indifferent on most days to the feeling of ostracism that many wizards/apprentices here feel although the conclusion I have arrived at somewhat renders this point moot.

Firstly, my view of the human condition has become very alien to the average person. I view my thoughts and actions as things that arise spontaneously rather than things directly under my control. When a thought comes to me, I simply listen to it almost as I would listen to an external noise heard by my ears. My thoughts simply come to me spontaneously and I cannot actually will myself into thinking. I don't know what I will type next. I am just looking at the screen and my fingers are moving around the keyboard and the text is appearing on the screen. I don't know if this paragraph makes much sense but in essence I have stopped identifying with my ego including my thoughts. So I simply watch myself go about my day and do not react to my thoughts as much as I did before. I essentially view humans as flesh robots performing ultimately meaningless actions with the ego acting as a kind of feedback mechanism that comes with the feeling of being conscious. Any societal expectations I view as a biologist would view the social interactions of social insects like ants. I do not view these things as actually meaningful in any way. They simply happen and are neither good or bad.

What I have not been able to do much about is the existence of suffering. All I have said before is all well and good but then why must I feel pain if everything proceeds automatically and is ultimately meaningless and not under my control? Why do I have to suffer? I have not been able to find a good answer for this unfortunately. I have however stopped viewing life as inherently valuable. The only thing I classify as "bad" is suffering, so I do not view death as bad if it does not involve suffering. I do not necessarily believe that sensations like pain are inherently negative. I think the behaviour is learn to a large extent. Some people derive pleasure from certain types of pain. I do not, however, see how one would train themselves to do this all the time and just permamently regard pain as a neutral sensation like an indicator light on a machine. Even if one tries to meditate frequently this state cannot be maintained permanently.

So here I am, existing as a kind of feedback mechanism is a flesh robot that performs meaningless acts and suffers at random based on these actions and the actions of other flesh robots. In light of this, the only rational action that one can perform is to seek to die painlessly as soon as possible to end this meaningless existence. The only thing I fear though is that I would then find myself conscious again somehow, like sleeping and starting to dream or waking up from sleep but without any previous memories. I would then have to suffer without this knowledge that there is no point in existing and that I should simply exit as soon as possible. I have read many near-death experiences and there is this common theme of being told to go back to fulfill a purpose or that it was not one's time yet. At some point I had this idea that if I am able to have lucid dreams and meditate for hours on end I would be able to avoid reacting to whatever came after death and simply cease to exist rather than being "trapped" and forced to go back but this idea comes from the assumption that anything one sees while dying is not just a hallucination prompted by the process of deactivation of the hardware required to sustain the ego and this assumption cannot be proven/disproven.

I remember how i used to play Fallout New Vegas as a Neet. I felt no hope, none at all but i loved being immursed in that world. It's been a decade of wageslaving and all feelings of videogamelove has been eradicated. I feel nothing. I tried to play some recent games and nothing. Nothing at all. I don't care. What can change the nature of a man? How i long to go back and relive this. But not really. Maybe it all sucked. All of it.

>>301716
I feel the same. About everything, not just games. I remember getting drunk, listening to nightcore and playing Dark Souls. I was having the time of my life. Now if I do the same, it feels somewhat fake, like I'm pretending to be who I was at that time, and trying to feel what I felt then. But there is nothing, just me holding a controller and being awfully aware that the pleasure is not going to happen, and the nightcore music just sounds cringy.

As much as I don't want to admit it, I think life is about "first times". The only way to feel authentic pleasure and fun might be to delve into the unknown and be positively surprised. But that also entails the risk of getting burnt, and so the cautious man is stuck in a stalemate.

>>301716
You were living in a walled garden, where you had not experienced real day-to-day-to-day threat to your livelihood and an awareness that every hour you spend on luxury is an hour not at work maintaining your miserable position - which if you lose will make things even worse.

The solution, then, is to *not be threatened by anything* - or at least not be aware of any such threat. It takes days/weeks/months to get to that state. Folks who have been acclimatised to it early in life tend to be better at it, hence why they go and grill on a beach in drunken stupor for 2 weeks.

It's medicinal - for them.

For folks (like me) who didn't get hit with the threat stick at a young enough age, the adjustment is brutal - and not everyone survives it.

All that to say; you *can* get back to it, it's just that you're not aware of the other confounding variables at play.

>>301715
Self flagellation - start with simple rope whips and work up.

I'd suggest that what's fault in your worldview, then, is the idea that suffering is "bad".

Undesirable? Sure. Something you have a reflex to avoid? Absolutely.

Unless you can find an answer to *why* you value suffering - that passes logical muster - as "undesirable" then you'll be going in loops forever.

Consider the inverse; that suffering is the purpose of life, that misery and pain and so on are the metric which determines your "value" as a human existence by some arbitrary but also completely inarguable judge. You've organised your life in such a way as to be maximally worthless in that scheme and it's just as unprovable/undisprovable.

So you pick something and *pretend* it matters in the face of temporary facts to the contrary. I'd suggest that's what you've done with avoiding suffering, but not recognised that you've done so.

>>301714
You sound like you have never finished that part of your adolescent development phase where you seek validation and affiliation and now you carry these universal emotional lacks as an adult where it's basically impossible to satisfy them. You need to let go. You're a meat sack sure, but you're not a hormone driven piece of shit anymore. You have the ability to think very clearly about things which you should use to your advantage not self sabotage. You don't need others except for fulfilling materialistic needs. The emotional hole is due to lack of others in essence saying to you: 'you are great enough that I want to spend my free time with you' is based on the misconception that that is a good thing. The truth is, that's annoying and exhausting. It is not a necessity. This is only a necessity for attention seeking whores. Be content in not being one of those. And also stop being an insecure teenager that wants to be left alone and at the same time whining that nobody loves them. What a miserable, pathetic and sad scene that is I'm feeling disgusted.

>>301722
Misunderstood I assume. Reading comprehension issues or projecting ones own thoughts perhaps?
Some claims were made by me, some were entertaining the thoughts of another.
The context of the personal anecdotes is also a past far behind me.

I hope you find the healing you need amidst your contradictions.
Though I admit to some your first sentence alone in vacuum would be of some use.

>It is not a necessity.
Yet, even as a diagnosed schizoid I'm aware of a fundamental lack. Not that of of company or validation per se, but the desire and drive for it.
I don't believe the anon I replied to made his points in the way you frame them either.

>What a miserable, pathetic and sad scene that is I'm feeling disgusted.
Projecting it is then.
I recommend a non-glare finish on your device of choice, it helps mitigate reflections.

long term N.E.E.T here, I 've spent my teens and early 20s lurking the net, I neither did something productive or even something fun like hanging out with online friends, I 've had a discord account since 2017 but i never used it regularly, seeing other outcasts and NEETs there spending the whole day playing games with their friends or party-watching something makes me feel envy, I didn't spend my time having fun nor doing something productive, I am an outcast even online

>>301728
Same with me. I browse 4chan a lot but I am not invested enough in any hobby to have a home board. I was just online scrolling for years. When 4chan went down and people migrate to the altchans based on their interest it really drove the point that I have no tribe. People on the alt were complaining about 4chan moderation, reminiscing on old happenings, continuing to talk about their hobbies and I can only insert myself here and there at topics general enough for me to fraud as one of them. I avoid joining game nights because I won't have anonymity to hide in. It's fine though. I am old enough to not really care now. In the end online validation is just another form of escapism. This way I am closer to true schizoid peace.

>>301722
that's fine if you are a spider,
not if you are a human

>'you are great enough that I want to spend my free time with you'
is the most basic prerequisite of living a human life

>>301060
>>301061
On the one hand you have life - it sucks but at least there are some constant rules and you can make some sense of it all. You have the ability to make your life just a little bit less bad. You can see the lives of other beings and in comparison, yours is not as bad as some.

On the other hand you have death - totally unknown. You could respawn as the handsome son of a rich noble and all the hot babes will drip at the sight of you. Statistically you're more likely to respawn as some small animal only to provide nutrition to a larger animal. Don't count on eternal abyss.

You could be this dog in your next life.


>>301062
It's because children haven't seen enough of the world, they think they have it bad.

Nobody:
Still nobody:
Absolutely nobody with something productive to do in their spare time:
Radical contrarians after I give a harmless opinion in the grand scheme of things:
https://youtu.be/taGAtjA81hQ?si=FPy8MAzFwXCGmoMe

>>301723
Back to reddit.

>>301737
Are you even aware where you are? Wizkid our tourist, call it.