/dep/ - Depression

Why do all my family members yap at me for what feels like hours? I avoid them whenever I can because I know if I'm stuck in the same room they'll start dumping all their emotional problems and anecdotes on me while I sit there staring blankly.

I fucking hate cars, I fucking hate people into cars. The shittiest hobby that attracts the most niggerish and least self aware of normalfaggots.

I hate that half my childhood was spent moving piece of shit wrecks around from one part of the lawn to another. Car niggers never fucking manage to get projects done.

>>301704
Those sound like poor carfags.

Being around car enthusiasts who actually have money and skill to restore, repaint and detail a nice Porsche or BMW or a classic car is pretty awesome.

Watching walking videos from Europe and America is such weird reality check. To think that I have spend last 10 years with people who live in totally different society. I have leave the fucking internet. I can't cope with this breach in reality anymore.

>>301688
I didn't respond immediately, because honestly I have nothing to add aside from my own nonsensical rants about determinism as if prompted by part of what you wrote.
I've done a lot of self reflecting over the years, retelling my life to myself, sometimes others and drawing a straight line from birth to today with all the the influences both internal and external.

I know this sounds like an eternal victimhood, but I seek no pity. I hope people here will understand.
I wholeheartedly believe at every step of the way I made the absolute best decision, the optimal choice, the correct path.
That is, given my understanding at the time, my abilities at the time, my options at the time as influenced by my biology and past experiences up until the point of each decision.

Some things we are predisposed to by birth, most others are a result of experiences warping us.
Like a machine that learns a new algorithm after a traumatic event, new heuristics to apply to decisions.
You know how people learn not to touch the stove after being burnt once as a kid.
This extends to more complex behavior as well.

I agree with your assertions if I understood them correctly. The normal had positive experiences enhancing them, us, we either had negative ones or simply a lack.
Some wizards are like this without major trauma.
Your post made me realize that just by lacking the positive reinforcements one might still be warped in such a way.
One thing is for certain, most of us I believe have been rejected by life in some way, the rest probably rejected life themselves for their own reasons.

I relate a lot to what you write about being uncomfortable in your skin since day one. I was born quite premature, my birth and subsequent survival can be considered a "miracle of modern medicine".
Maybe that is part of it.
I always felt quite empty and foreign. I made many attempts at fitting in, but I was rejected by both kin and outsiders alike.
It was made extremely clear in my youth that I am not wanted, that there was something fundamentally wrong with me.
At times I had a "friend" mostly one guy that somehow tolerated me, but often this didn't last.
They weren't like me, just tolerated me out of pity or whatever soon to be discarded due to social pressure. You know, as the guy is normal and interacts with the rest of the community, while I'm the unwanted attachment made obviously clear to them…

Either way, I never quite figured out what the issue is. Nobody told me either.
I'm not hideous, I don't say offensive things, I tried to be polite, I tried to be a clown, I tried many things.

>I was a happy child in school surrounded by peers and friends and must've felt an innate subconscious ease about life, even as an eight year old.
I somehow never had this, yet I still view my younger self as more happy, still able to feel joy.
At the age I would feel sad and even despair every night, but I still had hope. Maybe if I do something else they would like me… I was ignorant enough to keep the hope.

>Growing up stole my humanity and I've been a do-nothing isolated wreck since.
I wonder what can be done about this though, because I feel like the damage has been done and it also seems irreparable.
Like some plastic chair with a leg that buckled and bent once. It will always bend and buckle at that damaged part no matter what. You can reinforce it sure, but it will never be the same.
Not to mention as an adult there isn't much you can do. Most communities and connections are set in stone at this time.
I'm not even sure I want them anymore either.

If the social validation, the world and people around you providing context to your existence is the key to prosperity as you seem to indicate, then I'll just come out and say we are absolutely fucked.
The context provided is that all struggle is futile and I am not wanted or needed.
Giving up goes against instincts. Even understanding all this. Accepting your fate like this feels like being a terminal patient waiting for demise trying to come to terms with it.
You can delude yourself with whatever copes you desire, but the subconscious knows what's going on and sees through it.
It's hard to accept such things…

Sorry for the long pointless rant, especially if I misunderstood parts of what you wrote and misappropriated your thoughts imposing my own.

My worldview has undergone significant changes recently and I think this is probably one of the few places where I can share my thoughts without having them be rejected immediately for going against the grain. I am now much more comfortable and almost completely indifferent on most days to the feeling of ostracism that many wizards/apprentices here feel although the conclusion I have arrived at somewhat renders this point moot.

Firstly, my view of the human condition has become very alien to the average person. I view my thoughts and actions as things that arise spontaneously rather than things directly under my control. When a thought comes to me, I simply listen to it almost as I would listen to an external noise heard by my ears. My thoughts simply come to me spontaneously and I cannot actually will myself into thinking. I don't know what I will type next. I am just looking at the screen and my fingers are moving around the keyboard and the text is appearing on the screen. I don't know if this paragraph makes much sense but in essence I have stopped identifying with my ego including my thoughts. So I simply watch myself go about my day and do not react to my thoughts as much as I did before. I essentially view humans as flesh robots performing ultimately meaningless actions with the ego acting as a kind of feedback mechanism that comes with the feeling of being conscious. Any societal expectations I view as a biologist would view the social interactions of social insects like ants. I do not view these things as actually meaningful in any way. They simply happen and are neither good or bad.

What I have not been able to do much about is the existence of suffering. All I have said before is all well and good but then why must I feel pain if everything proceeds automatically and is ultimately meaningless and not under my control? Why do I have to suffer? I have not been able to find a good answer for this unfortunately. I have however stopped viewing life as inherently valuable. The only thing I classify as "bad" is suffering, so I do not view death as bad if it does not involve suffering. I do not necessarily believe that sensations like pain are inherently negative. I think the behaviour is learn to a large extent. Some people derive pleasure from certain types of pain. I do not, however, see how one would train themselves to do this all the time and just permamently regard pain as a neutral sensation like an indicator light on a machine. Even if one tries to meditate frequently this state cannot be maintained permanently.

So here I am, existing as a kind of feedback mechanism is a flesh robot that performs meaningless acts and suffers at random based on these actions and the actions of other flesh robots. In light of this, the only rational action that one can perform is to seek to die painlessly as soon as possible to end this meaningless existence. The only thing I fear though is that I would then find myself conscious again somehow, like sleeping and starting to dream or waking up from sleep but without any previous memories. I would then have to suffer without this knowledge that there is no point in existing and that I should simply exit as soon as possible. I have read many near-death experiences and there is this common theme of being told to go back to fulfill a purpose or that it was not one's time yet. At some point I had this idea that if I am able to have lucid dreams and meditate for hours on end I would be able to avoid reacting to whatever came after death and simply cease to exist rather than being "trapped" and forced to go back but this idea comes from the assumption that anything one sees while dying is not just a hallucination prompted by the process of deactivation of the hardware required to sustain the ego and this assumption cannot be proven/disproven.

I remember how i used to play Fallout New Vegas as a Neet. I felt no hope, none at all but i loved being immursed in that world. It's been a decade of wageslaving and all feelings of videogamelove has been eradicated. I feel nothing. I tried to play some recent games and nothing. Nothing at all. I don't care. What can change the nature of a man? How i long to go back and relive this. But not really. Maybe it all sucked. All of it.

>>301716
You were living in a walled garden, where you had not experienced real day-to-day-to-day threat to your livelihood and an awareness that every hour you spend on luxury is an hour not at work maintaining your miserable position - which if you lose will make things even worse.

The solution, then, is to *not be threatened by anything* - or at least not be aware of any such threat. It takes days/weeks/months to get to that state. Folks who have been acclimatised to it early in life tend to be better at it, hence why they go and grill on a beach in drunken stupor for 2 weeks.

It's medicinal - for them.

For folks (like me) who didn't get hit with the threat stick at a young enough age, the adjustment is brutal - and not everyone survives it.

All that to say; you *can* get back to it, it's just that you're not aware of the other confounding variables at play.

>>301715
Self flagellation - start with simple rope whips and work up.

I'd suggest that what's fault in your worldview, then, is the idea that suffering is "bad".

Undesirable? Sure. Something you have a reflex to avoid? Absolutely.

Unless you can find an answer to *why* you value suffering - that passes logical muster - as "undesirable" then you'll be going in loops forever.

Consider the inverse; that suffering is the purpose of life, that misery and pain and so on are the metric which determines your "value" as a human existence by some arbitrary but also completely inarguable judge. You've organised your life in such a way as to be maximally worthless in that scheme and it's just as unprovable/undisprovable.

So you pick something and *pretend* it matters in the face of temporary facts to the contrary. I'd suggest that's what you've done with avoiding suffering, but not recognised that you've done so.

>>301714
You sound like you have never finished that part of your adolescent development phase where you seek validation and affiliation and now you carry these universal emotional lacks as an adult where it's basically impossible to satisfy them. You need to let go. You're a meat sack sure, but you're not a hormone driven piece of shit anymore. You have the ability to think very clearly about things which you should use to your advantage not self sabotage. You don't need others except for fulfilling materialistic needs. The emotional hole is due to lack of others in essence saying to you: 'you are great enough that I want to spend my free time with you' is based on the misconception that that is a good thing. The truth is, that's annoying and exhausting. It is not a necessity. This is only a necessity for attention seeking whores. Be content in not being one of those. And also stop being an insecure teenager that wants to be left alone and at the same time whining that nobody loves them. What a miserable, pathetic and sad scene that is I'm feeling disgusted.

>>301722
Misunderstood I assume. Reading comprehension issues or projecting ones own thoughts perhaps?
Some claims were made by me, some were entertaining the thoughts of another.
The context of the personal anecdotes is also a past far behind me.

I hope you find the healing you need amidst your contradictions.
Though I admit to some your first sentence alone in vacuum would be of some use.

>It is not a necessity.
Yet, even as a diagnosed schizoid I'm aware of a fundamental lack. Not that of of company or validation per se, but the desire and drive for it.
I don't believe the anon I replied to made his points in the way you frame them either.

>What a miserable, pathetic and sad scene that is I'm feeling disgusted.
Projecting it is then.
I recommend a non-glare finish on your device of choice, it helps mitigate reflections.

long term N.E.E.T here, I 've spent my teens and early 20s lurking the net, I neither did something productive or even something fun like hanging out with online friends, I 've had a discord account since 2017 but i never used it regularly, seeing other outcasts and NEETs there spending the whole day playing games with their friends or party-watching something makes me feel envy, I didn't spend my time having fun nor doing something productive, I am an outcast even online

>>301728
Same with me. I browse 4chan a lot but I am not invested enough in any hobby to have a home board. I was just online scrolling for years. When 4chan went down and people migrate to the altchans based on their interest it really drove the point that I have no tribe. People on the alt were complaining about 4chan moderation, reminiscing on old happenings, continuing to talk about their hobbies and I can only insert myself here and there at topics general enough for me to fraud as one of them. I avoid joining game nights because I won't have anonymity to hide in. It's fine though. I am old enough to not really care now. In the end online validation is just another form of escapism. This way I am closer to true schizoid peace.

>>301722
that's fine if you are a spider,
not if you are a human

>'you are great enough that I want to spend my free time with you'
is the most basic prerequisite of living a human life

Nobody:
Still nobody:
Absolutely nobody with something productive to do in their spare time:
Radical contrarians after I give a harmless opinion in the grand scheme of things:
https://youtu.be/taGAtjA81hQ?si=FPy8MAzFwXCGmoMe

>>301723
Back to reddit.

>>301737
Are you even aware where you are? Wizkid our tourist, call it.

>>301735
Whenever I see videos like these I am reminded that humans are scum and genuinely wish we will go extinct. I heard someone describe intelligence as an evolutionary dead end once, who knows, perhaps it's true. The technology we develop as a result of our intelligence will be our undoing. I suppose the tragedy of humanity is that through self-awareness there is a genuine possibility of outgrowing the capacity for horror each of us has within. Or maybe most people simply aren't conscious enough for that and that's why we are doomed to repeat history and never change.
At least if you're reborn as an animal you will have no conception of what 'ought' to be or what the future is and what horrors it might hold for you. You just live day to day until you stop. Perhaps consciousness is the real issue here.

Meeting with autism group social worker tommorow, cant wait to get in a
Group home and get away from my psycho narc mom

>>301744
I wish I could live in a group home or government housing or literally anywhere but here.

>>301741
'the internet' is the technology
the 'www' was the blessing
'social media' was the psyop to subvert it

>>301746
this

I think there's 2 type of being loneliness, physical and existential. Physical loneliness is what people here mean when they say they don't feel lonely and prefer being alone. After all, hell is other people and being alone gives you peace. Existential loneliness is when you consider your existence on a cosmic scale, where you come from in the past, where you go in the future. It's when you're suddenly aware that you're something rather than nothing, a speck in the vast universe, that you'll inevitably die and your consciousness will possibly terminate. It's when you're alone in the dark on a cold night like I am right now. It gives a feeling of unease, and the mammalian brain is scared of what it has comprehended. Perhaps out of some primitive drive for security, our first instinct is to turn to our families and tribe members for comfort, and when we don't have any, that's the existential loneliness. Like a child with no mother to cry to after it hurt itself. It is very different from the physical loneliness of everyday life where normal people socialize with each other to avoid. Physical loneliness is about the social validation. Existential loneliness comes from an ineffable fear that our mind immediately turns to companionship for comfort. It is why some people are afraid to die alone. They are scared of death but with loved ones on their side that fear is soothed even if we don't understand why or how. I don't think this means that we have to go out and get girlfriends to get rid of existential lomeliness though. For one companionship is not the only way. Meditation, philosophy, a life mission would probably work too. It's also a matter of personality how much it bothers you. When I feel existential lomeliness do sometimes consider if I should rejoin my community but 5 seconds of having to interact with normgroids cause so much frustration that it instantly dispel any distress over being alone that I had, until I forget how shit is other people and start feeling lonely again that is.

>>301722
Unless you're actually a verified schizoid (and no, your buzzfeed tests don't count) - all humans need other people. It's easy to pretend you don't when you can sit and dull your brain with pastimes and frivolous activities and you're a wizkid who thinks these things will always be enough, but eventually you'll realize this basic truth.

>You have the ability to think very clearly about things which you should use to your advantage not self sabotage. You don't need others except for fulfilling materialistic needs.

The irony here is pretty funny - denying your fundamental monkey brain need to belong and be a real person among other people is a form of long-term self sabotage and deception. I know because I spent over a decade alone. You cannot be psychologically satiated or fulfilled this way. I also know how easy it is to lie to yourself and pretend things are fine when they aren't. Maybe it *is* impossible for guys like us to find quality friends (who you'd actually not be exhausted and annoyed spending time with) but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try or that it wouldn't positively alter your life, maybe dramatically. I bet I get banned for not larping as as some monk despite the fact almost all wizards aren't isolated by choice but were forced into it. There's nothing about being a 30 year old male virgin that says you have to enjoy being lonely. I'd rather be sad than a subhuman bug who thinks people are only good for money.

>>301764
I would like to agree with you on various points but interacting with people always reminds me how much pain it inflicts on individuals like us. Other people can't help but notice how different we are and they despise us for that or look at us with disgust. Staying alone is a mere defensive mechanism to avoid any trouble and negative emotions. It's not great but it seems to be the better alternative. You can still be around people, walk on the streets, visit places, just avoid immediate contact.

>>301648
I hate how a lot of reddit users, especially on hobby-related subreddits, come off as actual retards who never do research on their own for anything they need help with and want to be spoonfed so constantly. It's like the largest demographics of reddit are children.

>>301641
Worst thing about porn to me is seeing all the people in them having successful careers just for doing nothing except have sex and enjoying it. Fucking grim.

>>301772
Reasons to be mad at porn:

❌ Propagation of self-destructive behavior and STDs
❌ Emotionally and physically abused young succubi groomed in to degeneracy
❌ Preys on the addictive tendencies of young men
❌ Irreversible brain damage after long term exposure
❌ Watching it is cuckoldry (a subgenre of faggotry)
❌ All for the financial benefit of Jewish demons
✅ People in porn have money easier than I have money

>>301772
Based. Those normalfags deserve all the superbugs they catch and I pray they catch many.

>>301772
I try not to begrudge people their enjoyment of things. I wish I dined at Michelin starred restaurants, too. Food is the next best thing besides sex.

>>301772
There are people like those in every field.

I'm so sick and tired of being broke fuck the whole entire system

>>301772
>>301773
LOOOOOOLOLOL

>>301773
I wish roasties cared about male circumcision 1/1000th as much as they cared about porn.

I cant access moms kitchen due to her being histrionic,
I have to use food stamps outside to eat otherwise id be hikki

Anyone else get so bored they fall asleep? Feels like narcolepsy

Crying, helpless, pain which feels like all my bones are shattered, think about suicide 50 times every day, seeing hideous things in my dreams, and it still feels like the tip of the iceberg. I am leaving this world

Apparently radical favoritism is a disorder now.
Guess contemporary knowledge really is just an urban myth..

>>301792
happens to me on weekends

https://youtu.be/foGkU6x3eSE?si=WKs08ToGP7F_FP-1

F

Why the fuck are the most simple tasks fucking impossible for me?

Like replacing my battery in my 2007 Ford Focus. I confirm at the garage that it's only the battery that needs replacing and nothing else, no other electrical faults are causing the problem. Okay, I can't identify what type of battery it is until I remove it as the stickers have all worn off. Okay, it's held in by four bolts. I find an adjustable crescent and try it with that. Nope, doesn't work because the bolt holding the battery in place is deep embedded in a little 2 inch chasm with steel surrounding each side, and there's only five inches of space vertically between the battery and the roof of the hood. Okay, so I have to go buy a $40 NZ specialty tool socket crescent with a swivel bit so I can get on the 45 degree angle to loosen the 10 mm bolt.

I can only rely on my mum to do me one drive to swap out the battery. So I call the battery shop, tell them my model, the year and registration, they run it through their system and insist this battery they have fits my car. I'm unsure, but they sound confident in it. Cool, I'll get mum to pick me up, get the new battery, get the new tool, and swap them over. Except they sold me the wrong size fucking battery, and running the specs through the manufacturer's guidelines, it's well out of the range of the accepted CCA rating, and it's two sizes two small so doesn't even line up with the battery connector rings. I have to beg and scramble for another ride from family, who treat me like an annoying fucking retard for needing help. Swap out the battery at the battery store and return back.

Swap the battery out and the car STILL won't fucking work. I confirmed the problem at the garage, wasted $270 on batteries and tools. I did everything systematically as you're supposed to with the resources available, confirmed the problem, located the tools, tried to work around everyone else who treated me like a nuisance. I can't even tighten these fucking bolts on the connector rings properly because I don't have a second person to hold the adjustable crescent as I tighten the bolt, and they just shift and move when I try to do it myself. I suppose I could find a clamp, but that's another mission and more wasted money.

Literally every fucking task I do is a wild run around mission like this for me. Then I get a fucking smug comment from some elder in my family about how I'm just hopeless with cars and tools. What could I have done better? Why does this apparently ten minute job take me fucking days that everyone else has no problem with.

>>301845
I just want to say I know the feeling.

>>301845
This is basically my life. I feel like I can't do anything right and what takes others minutes requires hours of preparation for me and several steps of execution split through several days just to still eventually not work in the end. Your description is so accurate it's beautiful.

Now I feel like the ride is coming to an end.

>>301745

The month I lived in a group home is genuinely the only time I've felt content.

>>301715
What you're experiencing is a sort of realization that absolutely nothing is under your control, and trying to exert control is suffering. It's a common realization/doctrine in many spiritual and mystical texts for a reason, and 'letting go' has actually given me more peace of mind.

Upon letting go, you'll experience a sort of existential dread because your ego has stopped clinging and is beginning to die, so the real you is emerging. You really only need to endure bravely, feel and be patient.

I urge you to continue down this path. I am in this path aswell and it hasn't been easy, but it's the only path I have left to walk on. I am undergoing this journey through deep rest and non-striving.

>>301736
I can't believe that I'm reading the "nobody:" meme on wizardchan. It's really the end of everything. The new generations have invaded. Which if you think about it, it's totally normal, after all.
The problem is that we oldfags are still alive. Humans should die decades earlier.
It's all wrong.

>>301868
you wish

>>302456
Whiny cunt sees a non-ancient meme and thinks Wizchan is being taken over by zoomie woomies. "It's the end of this place" he laments, only contributing sage'd posts about how much he dislikes it here.

>>302456
>>302458
Zoomers are nearing 30 though