>>305336Hey, anon.
I don’t see a problem with sharing my experience with my only friend and how I see this world.
My friendship with him started in September 2020. I was 17, and he was 19.
I met him on a Discord server after he sent a message saying, “Today feels like a day I could put a knife to my neck,” right in the middle of a chat full of dumb jokes about school and love. When I read that, I just replied:
“Hey man, if you want to talk, send me a message. Some feelings hit harder because everything is still too recent, and it’s hard to see things clearly when you’re desperate.”
After that, we started talking about the usual stuff — anime, games, music, and things like that.
Over the years, our contact slowly faded. In a month, we exchange maybe five to twenty messages. Just enough to know if the other one is still alive or doing okay. For most people, this would mean “the friendship is over,” because there’s no real conversation anymore. But I don’t believe that. Friendships don’t die just because they change. They die when both people stop caring that the other exists.
Right now, we talk maybe once every three months. We send long messages about how life’s been going. It’s our way of giving each other a bit of hope in this sad world. I actually like it. We grew up, and the friendship grew up too.
As for my relationship with people in general: when I was a kid, I avoided human contact — not because I was scared or something, but because I just wasn’t interested. Drawing, math, and books felt way more interesting. I was distant from my family back then, and I still am. Maybe bullying affected me more than I noticed at the time.
My psychiatrist told me I have schizotypal personality disorder, which makes my depression worse. It sounds kind of ironic, since I work with culture and events and I’m always busy — sleeping three or four hours a night and working until late.
Going back to being distant from my family: at some point, I started to see human connections in terms of what they’re for. Some people are just there to say “hi,” “good afternoon,” or “good night.” Others notice you, point things out about you, and make you think later. And a lot of people only show up to say weird things that make you uncomfortable. You can’t really avoid any of this — it’s all part of being human.
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