/dep/ - Depression

>>308298
Yeah, at my company it feels like every good employee is doing the work of 2 to 3 people, partly because they constantly under-resource everything to cut costs (increase profit for the owners), and partly because there's so many shit employees that don't pull their weight but HR refuse to do anything about.

I did it. Last year I quit. I'm much happier, but I have recurring dreams about being back in high school and having responsibilities.

Scared of getting stuck deeper into this job I've somehow been at for 2 years already. Scared of leaving it because it's so easy and my coworkers are nice and it pays a decent enough salary. Scared of my degrading mind, I have hobbies, but still. I'm scared constantly and now I have to go and do my best at this damn convention thing we do every year in Summer. I'm scared. I hope it's easy.

>The Subjective Happiness Paradox

>One of Hurst’s most striking findings was that despite their employment dropping and many of them living at home with their parents, this group of men reported being happier on average than the same demographic did in the early 2000s.

>This creates an invisible economic drag. Because the digital world provides cheap, high-yield dopamine, it subsidizes a lower standard of living. People become content with lower economic performance because their primary source of satisfaction is digital and virtually free.

Turns out being a terminally online loser NEET makes you happier, who knew.

>>308352
I'd rather have been one back in the early 2000s even with dial up and no DSL.

>>308328
My condolences wiz. After a decade, getting that stuff done will be a weight off your shoulders I imagine. My gran is getting worse too, she has dementia, I think. Despite her having been a huge part of my childhood though, the prospect of her dying doesn't make me feel any particular kind of way. We haven't had much contact for a decade and I guess childhood is far enough away at this point that it feels like a different life entirely. Yet I do not look forward to the arrangements and all that and I'm terrified of something happening to my mom.

>>308329
>Despite her having been a huge part of my childhood though, the prospect of her dying doesn't make me feel any particular kind of way
That's the normal human adult male response. You can weep for the tragedy of an untimely demise that obliterates any hopes you had for good times together in the future. You can shed tears of joy and the good memories you've shared. It makes no sense however to cry for someone who lived long enough to expire naturally. Someone whose existence has become tiresome, and who can no longer create good times for themselves or their family, ought to have their life cheered as opposed to having their death grieved.

>>308331
I suppose that might be part of it. As cruel as it sounds, it has become tiresome to talk to her on the phone and always having the same conversation. How her friends are slowly decaying around her, how her nausea is better/worse than last time I called, how cute my cousin's newborn is. And always the phrase that "everyone wants to grow old but nobody actually wants to be old.". But strangely enough, my mother told me about her colleagues dog being diagnosed with a terminal lung tumor over the weekend and that wrenched my heart. I suppose because in my mind it felt more shocking that this big, kind, fuzzy creature should perish all of a sudden, no longer being able to experience the simple joys of being a dog with a loving family.
How is it for you anon? How close were you with your family? You say they respected you and you enjoyed their company but how does the loss actually feel for you?

life is temporary

memento mori

I have no idea how i survived into my mid forties. Crazy. Maximum suffering mode i guess

The contrast between getting dopamine all day from the internet and the sudden silence when I go to bed is harrowing. All the bickering posts, youtube video voices, even sentiments of fellow depressed misanthrophy on wizchan was the entire world in my mind. Then I turn off the pc and it's all gone. I am just a lump of flesh in the cold quiet darkness that is aging and slowly withering to a death, upon which the darkness will be perfectly complete.

>>308346
yeah i feel this too

for me i have days even weeks sometimes where i come alive and get obsessed with working on a project or get addicted to a game that makes me excited to get out of bed.

Then something happens. A weird new pain in my body will start bothering me, then it distracts me and i start losing focus and can't enjoy the project/game anymore… then i start ruminating and imagining all the negativity in my life and the world and i fall straight back into the darkness… it's Sisyphean and so jarring how quickly it can come and go. It's like I can't track how I get back here every time.

>>308346
and do you ever try to face the silence during the day?

sometimes i get sick of the bickering voices filling my head from podcasts and youtube and i take a break during the day… it's even more harrowing than at night because i am asking myself "OKAY NOW WHAT DO I DO?" when i stop distracting At least at night i know the answer is "try to sleep"

>>308346
>>308347
>>308348
I feel you guys so hard, but for me it comes with the small variation of distracting myself endlessly online by opening thousands of tabs, sometimes my browser crashes and the session fails to recover.

And in the dead silence of the night I realize ive been getting excited and looking forward to, what could you call them? Inane crap? Spooks? Literally nothing? Idk, I try to remember if there was a single tab amongst thousands worth saving, reading or delving into and I find no answer, its just noise to distract myself from my painful reality

>>306449
you can't act like it hasn't gotten countless people through depression, don't dismiss it so flippantly

>>308322
>flippantly
I didn't dismiss it "flippantly", fucker. I experienced it.

Tried to convert to christianism 2 times after reading the Bible just to give some meaning to this life but after some internal strife my mind said nope, I just don't see what would be the point of so much suffering in the world being created just for muh testing, if another human killed your family and claimed that he's testing your soul would you take it kindly? Because that's exactly what happens in the book of Job after satan suggests it to god, the book was likely written by an atheist that hated religion because you can clearly see a change of style in the second half of it where Job just bends over and takes it, that was an addition by jewish priests. My point is if a god was responible (or allowed) for all the killing, raping, torturing, etc., in the world I'd rather go to hell

>>308340
Nah it means that anyone who insists my bad experience is actually somehow good is bullshitting

>>308327
>I can't stand the smell of alcohol anymore, it makes me feel nauseous. Probably because in my 20s I used to drink and get sick a lot
I experienced this with creme liquor in particular. I drank it on the regular and could down an entire bottle of Bailey's or Panama Jacks in any short summer evening. One day I overdid it and woke up groggy before heading to the wageslave dungeon. It was an awful shift. From that point on even the smell of the stuff makes me sick, as if my immune system is rejecting my desire to get my cream on.

>>308332
Alcohol is a smell I associate with poverty

>>308334
perhaps step down from your high horse

>>308336
He's right, alkies are often poor and stupid as well.

It depends on your context. There are plenty of functioning alcoholics out there. I associate alcohol with the bossman who has whiskey and a cigar ready.

>>308302

Yeah, wiz, it's not that easy.

A few days ago, I was reading Emil Cioran, and some of his quotes really got to me. Sometimes the thought that there's an exit somewhere feels strangely comforting, but at the same time, the fear of death never really goes away. It's hard to explain.

I tried to kill myself once, but I'm still here. Working, crying, sleeping, repeating. I don't know how long any of us can keep going, but finding hope gets harder every year…

>>308138
Like other wiz asked, are u still here?

>>308198
So it's like the helium method but with charcoal fumes?

>>308313
I don't actually know how it's done. i thought you just stood over it and breathed the fumes in

>>308313
It happens on accident sometimes, the power goes out and people bring the BBQ inside for warmth or to cook and that = whole family dead.

>>307956
He would probably be happier being wizuncle but has no one
>>307961
Not really fair because most people here probably grew up in lower socio-economic strata where the people around them were low-functioning e.g. no emotional intelligence

>>307945
I don't know about the people part as I don't leave my space more than once a month or so.
The weather though… fucking hell.
Fuck spring/summer lately.
One day it's almost 30C the next it's 5-10C or lower and then back to hot.

Insane humidity swings and temperature swings are fucking with me physically.

>>307945
I am neurotypical and I am here.

I also find it painful to be reminded of happy cheerful people while I am very miserable and completely rotting away.
Still wouldn't want to be a normie though.

>>306585
I am unemployed after college now, and don't remember a single skill that I learnt in the college, and it's heating up these days. The house is constructed in such a way that a few rooms don't heat up that much. One of that is mine and the other is of my parents, both have an AC and I use it sparingly though, like about 3 hours in 24 hours combined.

And since I am unemployed and since it is not my house and my father's house, he now has a carte blanche to anything he wants so of course he moved into "my" room under the guise of "We all live together like a family". And slept there yesterday on the damn bed and was acting befuddled as to why I wouldn't sleep there.

Which prompted me to go to another room with AC where my mother and brother was, and with a third bed, I tried to sleep there but the mattresses were so hard because my mother's got issue with her backs, so she bought a pair of hard mattresses. And my father did it intentionally he knows that I value privacy and personal space which is why he moved there cause he can.

I honestly am terrified by this summer time, I will now have to sleep in another room entirely where I will sweat all night on bed. And I need to sleep because sleep deprivation is a severe killer of mind and body. And I have no idea how I am even going to do that to be honest tonight, he knows what he did was a shit move, he knows he's being inconsiderate, he knows I have no option so he'll abuse me whichever way he can.

Fuck this world man, I literally only wish I had money and I have tried so much to earn money but to no avail at all. I cannot wait for this moron to collapse as quickly as possible and the thing is this heat terrifies me because it heats up my laptop and my phone. It is going to kill my electronics prematurely and of course knowing the environment in my family no one will buy me another one. The sheer fucking heat is unbelievable to be honest it's like it's not even survivable and you can still go through the day ironically because you're not trying to sleep. At night just being able to enter sleep is hellish to be honest.

>>308305
I felt pain reading this since I use AC all day every day basically I cannot imagine sleeping without it during summer

>>308307
Honestly, it really is quite crazy, not only that it's just while it gets very bearable outside in the night (although not anymore due to urban heat island effect) but the houses made of RCCs radiate heat till the morning, honestly, sleep deprivation is the worst part of it and has cumulative effects like while driving a car or riding a moped or simply the fact that you're not likely to pay attention when crossing the road. I have just come to terms with the fact that most important thing in life is just money, it's now how you look or what not, it's about having money.

I mean you try to sleep at night and you somehow manage to sleep for 2 hours and then you wake up and your entire neck is drenched in sweat and the t-shirt near the neck literally feels like someone poured water on it and no matter which position you sleep in it starts eventually burn your body and things get so bad that even if you do go to AC after it, you still feel incredibly hot and it feels like heat is literally in your bones. And it makes you angry and pissed off which further makes it extremely hard to sleep. Heat really is the biggest killer. I just hope some magic happens and heat goes to 60C wet bulb and I die instantly.

>>308308
It has become extremely difficult to earn a good amount of money in a short period of time, you can't just go around selling stuff and become somehow wealthy everything is saturated including social media and marketing if you're lucky they will just give you an average income, it's like the entire world has been enslaved and accessing wealth is similar to accessing an exclusive legacy of privileged individuals who own real eastate, businesses and positions. Expect every summer to become hotter and southern states to become like desert in the future as we go through the hardest climate crisis the world has ever experienced since ice age.

>>308310
Absolutely, and there is this weird thing that even if you do get a job, the employers act as such that you have to prove your loyalty to them and their test is to give you a wage where you can't live, I mean just to give you an idea, I would be more than happy if I could earn just 200USD a month from the internet. But I mean earning online is honestly a race to the bottom and even there you have to grind and even after that there is no guarantee, but yeah I mean it's actually kind of crazy how heat feels like it feels like my bone is heating up and pricking up the meat around it. Death can't come sooner tbh.

>>308234
k can I see one of your drawings?

>>308235
no, i hate them too much, that's why they're buried under this pile

>>308236
k

>>303825
I have a friend who would care I think.
Though not in a devastating way I believe since he has other friends too. I'm fine with that if it ever comes to that.
Mom might care too I guess, but likely in a relief kinda way.

>>307075
That is the thing nigga. You don't have to do anything. And that is exactly why people want you to die.

Every interaction with another person is miserable. Being drunk by myself is not too bad. 34 years and this is all it came down to. Well

>>308250
That is not really what I highlighted, it is the obesssion of generations, regardless if it is genz, boomer etc. I never remember this obsession 20-25 years ago, internet or not other then the occational thing. It actually appears opposite, the younger generation seems more obsessed than the older.

Today my sister lost her baby and I don't know what i can do for her. She was pregnant about two weeks and lost.

She's a good person. Wants to be a mom and was talking a lot about it. Now her happiness is gone and i dont know what i can do for her.

i'm devastated

>>308326
impregnate her again!

realized chronic mild discomfort i've been thinking was bladder cancer or something catastrophic was just me getting fatter and now my underwear is too tight for my fat ass

like that cliche of the frog sitting in water that is slowly brought to a boil…

didn't think my slow weight gain would get to this point… it's very uncomfortable not being able to wear anything at the moment without feeling constricted. but i'm mostly scared i won't be able to make the change and get my weight back down