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Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.
Previous: >>283313
Previous: >>283313
i couldn't fucking phrase it until i tried drawing it and here's it: my mana is on zero i need to recuperate but they won't allow me
I can't start tasks. I will sit in front of something I need to do for weeks and never do it.
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I am now changing my name to "Incendiary Opinion" - -..
>>284235
i know oppic sucks perhaps i shouldn't have condemned you to posting in it for the next few weeks.
i know oppic sucks perhaps i shouldn't have condemned you to posting in it for the next few weeks.
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>>284218
where are your mana potions faggot?
where are your mana potions faggot?
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What a shitty morning.
It's incredible when I manage to fall asleep early but wake up several times throughout the night and the hallucinations won't shut up so I end up staying awake in bed trying real hard to not use the internet nor watch TV so that I can go back to sleep but then the Sun is rising, I'm still tired, I'm still in bed, and I still can't fall asleep so I figure that it's probably for the best to get up, watch TV, and eat breakfast or something because I can't just stay in bed all day.
It's incredible when I manage to fall asleep early but wake up several times throughout the night and the hallucinations won't shut up so I end up staying awake in bed trying real hard to not use the internet nor watch TV so that I can go back to sleep but then the Sun is rising, I'm still tired, I'm still in bed, and I still can't fall asleep so I figure that it's probably for the best to get up, watch TV, and eat breakfast or something because I can't just stay in bed all day.
>>284249
excluding hallucinations (thankfully) had the same waking up process a few times earlier. real shit
excluding hallucinations (thankfully) had the same waking up process a few times earlier. real shit
I believe that once life gets bad enough it's like when a star becomes too massive and collapses into a black hole. At that point, it takes an infinite amount of effort to escape the singularity. Once you hit that tipping point, it's simply impossible to recover. You're being spaghettified by an infinitely dense point of shit for eternity.
>>284287
>Me neither. What the fuck can we do about it?
I heard it has something to do with adhd
but adderall didn't help me with it neither did ritalin.
I'm starting to think it's a kind of brain damage or brain disorder. i also notice I have a difficulty speaking sometimes, like i physically cannot get words out even if I wanted. i think it's related to that.
>Me neither. What the fuck can we do about it?
I heard it has something to do with adhd
but adderall didn't help me with it neither did ritalin.
I'm starting to think it's a kind of brain damage or brain disorder. i also notice I have a difficulty speaking sometimes, like i physically cannot get words out even if I wanted. i think it's related to that.
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Death must be pretty cool if skeletons are always grinning
\m/(-_-)\m/
\m/(-_-)\m/
>>284288
>everything is ADHD
ADHD is a meme. I used to focus for 10 hours straight studying for my chemistry exams back in uni and now I can't do it anymore. You either have ADHD since childhood or you don't.
>everything is ADHD
ADHD is a meme. I used to focus for 10 hours straight studying for my chemistry exams back in uni and now I can't do it anymore. You either have ADHD since childhood or you don't.
>>284296
>I used to focus for 10 hours straight studying for my chemistry exams back in uni and now I can't do it anymore
But that's what ADHD means. You get hyperfocus if you're interested in something and goldfish attention span if you're not. This does not mean that you have ADHD but you chose the wrong example to use.
>I used to focus for 10 hours straight studying for my chemistry exams back in uni and now I can't do it anymore
But that's what ADHD means. You get hyperfocus if you're interested in something and goldfish attention span if you're not. This does not mean that you have ADHD but you chose the wrong example to use.
>>284297
But that's why you're a retarded child. The issue with your pathetic internet "diagnosis" is that I hated chemistry and almost everyone else hates it so go ahead and explain how I used to focus on it so well. You ADHD shills are so retarded
But that's why you're a retarded child. The issue with your pathetic internet "diagnosis" is that I hated chemistry and almost everyone else hates it so go ahead and explain how I used to focus on it so well. You ADHD shills are so retarded
>>284298
Woah calm down. Your lack of emotional control which is another symptom of ADHD is showing. Take a chill pill haha.
I am not even the same person who brought up ADHD in the reply chain and I don't really give a shit if ADHD exist or not. I just pointed out a mistake in the example that you use and you suddenly get emotional out of nowhere. But since you're so smart then you're probably right. You don't have ADHD, you're just a lazy piece of shit. You'll never get better so you might as well kill yourself now.
Woah calm down. Your lack of emotional control which is another symptom of ADHD is showing. Take a chill pill haha.
I am not even the same person who brought up ADHD in the reply chain and I don't really give a shit if ADHD exist or not. I just pointed out a mistake in the example that you use and you suddenly get emotional out of nowhere. But since you're so smart then you're probably right. You don't have ADHD, you're just a lazy piece of shit. You'll never get better so you might as well kill yourself now.
>>284288
Maybe some mood disorder. The point is, it's unlikely you have some unique condition, but it's not like you can do much about it. Hope you get better.
Maybe some mood disorder. The point is, it's unlikely you have some unique condition, but it's not like you can do much about it. Hope you get better.
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the exact moment a wiz mana goes to 0
feel like i need to do something but i dont actually like doing anything or care about anything.
>>284313
i get the same feeling. like my brain is yelling at me to do something and i'm thinking "what the fuck do you want me to do?" no answer.
i get the same feeling. like my brain is yelling at me to do something and i'm thinking "what the fuck do you want me to do?" no answer.
Was researching childhood abuse and PTSD and I have a good % of the symptoms. kind of explains a lot.
Aaaah nostalgia for Halloweens of 2015 and 2016
so soothing
much calm
Now if my hallucinations would fuck off for good I might actually be able to create new good memories of Halloween 2023 where I just sit around playing the newest Assassin's Creed or Watch Dogs game or whatever and so that 10 years from now I'll be able to ask myself, "man, remember playing that new Assassin's Creed game in 2023? What was it, Valhalla or Mirage? Good shit." And I'd respond to myself with, "I played both that year!"
Nowadays the hallucinations just tell me to go kill myself or something every day and won't let me watch random Youtube videos of people screwing with scammers from India.
so soothing
much calm
Now if my hallucinations would fuck off for good I might actually be able to create new good memories of Halloween 2023 where I just sit around playing the newest Assassin's Creed or Watch Dogs game or whatever and so that 10 years from now I'll be able to ask myself, "man, remember playing that new Assassin's Creed game in 2023? What was it, Valhalla or Mirage? Good shit." And I'd respond to myself with, "I played both that year!"
Nowadays the hallucinations just tell me to go kill myself or something every day and won't let me watch random Youtube videos of people screwing with scammers from India.
I think I've been eating some species of larvae for over these past few weeks at least. Would explain why I've been getting so nauseated lately. My mother calls them "body moths" but I Google'd it and could find no such moth species. I think she meant to say "bath moths" but the larvae seemed too big to be that of bath moths. There's another moth species flying around here.
I just remembered that Ray Liotta died last year.
And this memory combined with the realization that my favorite Friend from Friends, Matthew Perry, is also now dead… makes me feel slightly more unhappy than usual.
And this memory combined with the realization that my favorite Friend from Friends, Matthew Perry, is also now dead… makes me feel slightly more unhappy than usual.
>>284371
who is ray liotta it sounds like the guy who voiced one of the guys who lent his voice to tommy from vice city and the actor from goodfellas, that's what my memory tells me.
I also found out about the death from Matthe Perry yesterday. I remember reading he was always temperamental and bit of an alcoholic, and never brushed his teeth but i couldn't care less about those rumours if i tried, he really did a great job in Friends. do you remember that episode where he appeared with the same haircut as that other great musician from A Flock of Seagulls that was funny as fuck. Haven't watched friends in years.
who is ray liotta it sounds like the guy who voiced one of the guys who lent his voice to tommy from vice city and the actor from goodfellas, that's what my memory tells me.
I also found out about the death from Matthe Perry yesterday. I remember reading he was always temperamental and bit of an alcoholic, and never brushed his teeth but i couldn't care less about those rumours if i tried, he really did a great job in Friends. do you remember that episode where he appeared with the same haircut as that other great musician from A Flock of Seagulls that was funny as fuck. Haven't watched friends in years.
I spent like so much time being stressed out/anxious/angry that like whenever I don't feel those things I just feel weird and like empty and then I'm back to back to being anxious/angry/etc. Like even when I'm drunk or high or doing something i should enjoy I don't feel good I just feel like how i described.
I’ve been NEET so long I’ve forgotten how bad it is to be around other people, especially in lower skill shitty paid work. Peoples random hatred of you, other peoples emotional psychodrama influencing you, and general tedious shit. My brother is more normie than me and has a job, but he has had people file vague complaints against him for nothing, people who just don’t like him, someone who tried to get him fired. He has worked from the family house since the pandemic so I can hear him all day and he doesn’t say anything non-professional to anyone . He’s just a bit of a loser, but people turn on you for it. It’s funny how being separate from humans allows a rose tinted view of them, while everyone else says it creates a negative bitter view; I forget how bad it is being a loser in the world.
Doesn't matter what happens it feels like I am incomplete all of the time and I don't think I'll ever manage to reach a point in time where I feel like I don't need anything more in life and be satisfied with things. I like imagining in my head that if I do certain things that I might be able to be happy and feel fulfilled but deep down I know that it's just fantasy and that if I set my mind to doing anything specific for a long period of time that I'll just end up becoming unhappy because I'm not doing what I wanted to be doing. It's like I've spent my entire life so far not doing anything even remotely useful and now that I'm growing older I have no way of making a basic income and have a decent living, it's like I have to put effort into things other people did when they were teenagers and that it takes even more effort from me to do anything than other people might.
It's not that complicated, I want to be happy, and I was at one point in time, but it's like I've lost the ability to be that happy. It's like I was punished for growing up, not even like I did anything wrong, but I'll never feel that happy again in my entire life. What's even the point of doing anything when you felt that happy and fulfilled in your youth only to lose it slowly and realizing that you'll never be as happy again no matter what you do?
I dreamt last night that I was watching The VVitch but everybody in the family survived and lived happily ever after.
Another thing of the adult world I will never understand.
Another thing of the adult world I will never understand.
>>284385
My ideal life is working as a firetower watch or a lighthouse keeper. Far far away from other people and all the petty melodrama that goes on in their lives. I just want to be alone forever. When I'm alone it's so much peace and relaxation.
My ideal life is working as a firetower watch or a lighthouse keeper. Far far away from other people and all the petty melodrama that goes on in their lives. I just want to be alone forever. When I'm alone it's so much peace and relaxation.
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I think that this new bed that belonged to my brother has a slightly elevated headrest section. I think it's been producing discomfort at night. Maybe if I can plug it in and readjust the bed to make it flat; I might be able to sleep better.
>>284385
What gets me is the gossip and how normies care so much about the minute details of everyone's personal life. They say there's an evolutionary reason for it, but I'm sure it's well passed, because all the gay-ops and intrigue waste so much mental energy and time.
What gets me is the gossip and how normies care so much about the minute details of everyone's personal life. They say there's an evolutionary reason for it, but I'm sure it's well passed, because all the gay-ops and intrigue waste so much mental energy and time.
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Oh, what it must be like:
To "merely adopt the darkness" they call light
To "merely adopt the darkness" they call light
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I was walking through Macarthur park the other day and was able to identify something like maybe four to eight different species of birds. Pigeons, seagulls, geese, and ducks. I noticed how many of them seemed to be clones of each other and how the adults seemed indistinguishable from the juveniles. None of them appeared to be particularly sickly. I only spotted a single dead pigeon floating face down on the lake. I looked down into the water and saw various tiny fish. Two kids were fishing and I wondered whether or not they would bother eating whatever they caught in the nasty-looking water of the artificial lake.
I wanted to pet one of the birds but I could tell that they would freak out whenever I approached them and that some of the geese and seagulls had very sharp beaks that could probably peck my eyes out so I just kept walking.
I wanted to pet one of the birds but I could tell that they would freak out whenever I approached them and that some of the geese and seagulls had very sharp beaks that could probably peck my eyes out so I just kept walking.
I can't sit down and do boring tedious work for hours. If you want to go to school you have to sit and do boring tedious work for hours. If you get a job you have to do boring tedious work for hours.
I can't do it so the world has no use for me. Can't sit and program for hours. Can't sit and draw for hours. Too fucking boring.
I can't do it so the world has no use for me. Can't sit and program for hours. Can't sit and draw for hours. Too fucking boring.
I have concluded that nobody likes me, nobody has ever liked me, and nobody will ever like me.
>>284439
I already failed to get a research grant after a peer review proved to be inconclusive due to the replication crisis.
I already failed to get a research grant after a peer review proved to be inconclusive due to the replication crisis.
>>284432
you were probably born to be a shepherd or something. Just chilling with your sheep all day, watching them eat. But then society moved on and the genes that evolved for the traditional roles of life for the past 10,000 years no longer have any use.
you were probably born to be a shepherd or something. Just chilling with your sheep all day, watching them eat. But then society moved on and the genes that evolved for the traditional roles of life for the past 10,000 years no longer have any use.
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>>284445
I suppose you can try moving to Afghanistan or something.
I suppose you can try moving to Afghanistan or something.
>>284445
>>284446
you need to born in or endure enough to save money and buy some land. Afghanistan is kinda comfy, good climate because the mountains and the bad parts can be easily solvable. However, I can't move for obvious reasons and if I was born there, for sure would be an average local or hate the place. Also, you still need a lot of money to buy land there and a lot of work.
>>284446
you need to born in or endure enough to save money and buy some land. Afghanistan is kinda comfy, good climate because the mountains and the bad parts can be easily solvable. However, I can't move for obvious reasons and if I was born there, for sure would be an average local or hate the place. Also, you still need a lot of money to buy land there and a lot of work.
>>284451
Another thing, I'm the first generation to be born in the city, if my parents had not sold the farm, I would be good because since I've not ambition. Just sucks.
Another thing, I'm the first generation to be born in the city, if my parents had not sold the farm, I would be good because since I've not ambition. Just sucks.
>>284446
Today I tried to make some money doing online surveys.
Many of them were stuff like "watch this 1 hour video and see if a letter flashes on screen" or "Compare these 300 images"
NOOO I can't do this. i can't fucking sit still and do this mindless busywork. FUCK. GOD. FUCK
Today I tried to make some money doing online surveys.
Many of them were stuff like "watch this 1 hour video and see if a letter flashes on screen" or "Compare these 300 images"
NOOO I can't do this. i can't fucking sit still and do this mindless busywork. FUCK. GOD. FUCK
Now at the age of 34; I am beginning to truly realize that nobody actually wanted me to do anything with my life. Nobody cared about whether or not I finished high school, whether or not I bothered going to college, whether or not I bothered getting a job, whether or not I bothered making friends…
You guys ever wonder that if Jesus could see what would happen throughout the world over the next 2,000 years… that he would have not allowed himself be crucified and he would've tried running off somewhere to like China and crossed the Pacific with some Polynesians to reach South America?
>>284483
No one cares about me except my parents who constantly nag me to do something with my life. I dont talk to anyone but my parents and no one really notices me in life. It is what it is…
No one cares about me except my parents who constantly nag me to do something with my life. I dont talk to anyone but my parents and no one really notices me in life. It is what it is…
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Contrary to popular opinion: Maturity is the casting tape of the sovl..
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>>284495
Almost all wars are banker wars and Ukraine proved this. Imagine how many billions were laundered and the economic injection to the MIC. Nobody cared about dead hohols, nobody cares about their future. Russia got what it got which was prevent them from joining NATO, and NATO/America profited from it.
I don't know what will come from Palestine and Israel, because there is a heavy religious factor into it. I think nothing will happen in the next years, but if Israel keeps making gains then Palestine will disappear. But then, how would America justify it's presence there? How would other arab countries justify their military budgets? it's all so complex, but rest assured, it can be summed up in "banker wars"
Almost all wars are banker wars and Ukraine proved this. Imagine how many billions were laundered and the economic injection to the MIC. Nobody cared about dead hohols, nobody cares about their future. Russia got what it got which was prevent them from joining NATO, and NATO/America profited from it.
I don't know what will come from Palestine and Israel, because there is a heavy religious factor into it. I think nothing will happen in the next years, but if Israel keeps making gains then Palestine will disappear. But then, how would America justify it's presence there? How would other arab countries justify their military budgets? it's all so complex, but rest assured, it can be summed up in "banker wars"
i feel like my mind has been moved into a surreal plane. it is like i am not myself. i really can not explain. it is like when playing a game, you feel certain emotions about your playing character, you dictate its moves, you temporarily meld with his quintessence, but you know you are not the character. and yet you push the buttons
>>284495
greed, lust, desire to gain power. normalfag criminals are almost all like that you just have to accept it, there is no helping. humanity is brainless cattle
>>284495
greed, lust, desire to gain power. normalfag criminals are almost all like that you just have to accept it, there is no helping. humanity is brainless cattle
I hate how the entire world runs on broken piece-of-shit technology, and when it does break you are left at its mercy to suffer.
>>284495
There will always be wars, always opposites, humanity is too stubborn and never learn from their mistakes anyways. Have fun in our little hell.
There will always be wars, always opposites, humanity is too stubborn and never learn from their mistakes anyways. Have fun in our little hell.
An old Twilight Zone episode from the 1960s comes to mind but, come on. That would be stupid as hell.
>>284536
are you baiting me? what's the point? yes i do use wizchan. and no i will not appease your desire to see me miserable, go back to your place.
sorry if i'm telling to a wrong person
are you baiting me? what's the point? yes i do use wizchan. and no i will not appease your desire to see me miserable, go back to your place.
sorry if i'm telling to a wrong person
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Sorry.
I know no one is going to read this embarrassing wall of text. Sorry.
Sorry for how I've behaved. And for how I'm behaving right now. I might have had a severe case of a dissociative disorder for more than 20 years. Or complex PTSD or some other mental illness, I don't know. It felt like I wasn't being myself, like someone else was in my body, not me. I didn't have control over my own thoughts and actions. I don't even have memories of most of my life, I might have more memories from the last couple of years than the entire rest of my life combined. It's like I was in some kind of comma through my entire life and I just woke up and remembered who I am just recently.
My childhood was a mess. It was chaotic. I can't describe the things my family did to me, but there was just abuse every day, and I never had the freedom to just choose what I want to do with my life. It was hell. They messed my head and broke my mind. I even tried to seriously hang myself when I was just ~8 years old, not for attention, really tried to die, and almost succeeded.
I love mathematics. I just wanted to have spent all my youth, my childhood and adolescence, studying mathematics, that's all. I wanted to get into math and cs when I was very little, like when I had a single digit age, as early as possible, and spend all of my free time learning and studying, dedicate every instant of my existence to learning and geting better, not care about anything but math and cs. Then one day go to an university, and become a researcher. Or I don't know. My life could have been different. I really, really love mathematics and computer science, and wanted to get very serious about them from an early age, that's all, but I didn't because my youth was a mess and it's not my fault. Please believe me. I just wanted to study a lot and learn a lot of things and go to an university and contribute but I didn't because my life is a mess. That's it, basically.
I would do anything for a chance. I never had a chance. I didn't live my youth, I didn't live my life. So I wish I had a chance. I just wanted to go to school, get good grades, be a good boy, go back home, do my homework and spend the rest of the day learning math and cs with a basic desktop computer and internet and books. I wanted to do that every day through my entire school life. I really love just learning interesting things. Everyone gets a chance, everyone has a chance to grow, everyone has a childhood, not me, I was never a child, I wanted a chance like everyone else, I wanted to dedicate myself to learning, that's all. I want to be a child again, I want to go to school, I want to be a good student and learn a lot of things, I want to be myself and show what I'm really like. I want all my time back. I wish I could reincarnate and be a child again because I never got to in this life. I lost my 25 years of life and can't seem to get over it. I love fantasizing about how I wish it were different, I love daydreaming about it. I like to imagine just going to school, always being on time, being the best student. Being dedicated, focused, disciplined and hard working. Reading a lot, knowing a lot, being myself. Making my teachers proud every day. Participating in contests like olympiads and science fairs and such. And doing my homework and preparing for class. And then when I get home I just spend all my time reading advanced textbooks I bought from the internet or using the computer to learn programming languages and more about computers and exploring the internet and such, and implementing all the math I learned in various programming languages and writing and breaking algorithms and such. And then one day I apply to college and I'm admitted and I work very hard in college as well and become a researcher or I don't know and then I contribute as much as possible.
I just wanted to spend my entire youth learning a lot of things and go to an university and become a researcher. I just really like math and wanted to get good at it. I didn't because my life was a mess. It's not my fault. I was born in extreme conditions and had a very chaotic youth.
If there is a God, I beg you, please give me a chance. I never had a chance like everyone else. I never got to grow like everyone else. I just wanted to be a good kid, go to school, be a good student, and spend all of my free time learning about math and computers and programming and such. Then go to an university. I just wanted my youth to be different, I never lived, I didn't get to live, I never had a life, I never got to try being myself. Now is too late and there's nothing I can do, sorry.
I really want to reincarnate after I die. I want to try again. I wish I could keep trying forever until I succeed.
Now seems like too late. I'm poor and was born in a sh*thole and will have to wageslave if I want a chance to just survive. Honestly I'd rather just be homeless and starve to death on some alley, since I'm too cowardly and too stupid to kill myself. I wish it were possible to just live the rest of my life like I wanted my youth to be like, just learning every day and nothing else, but it's a mess. I just wish I had a lot of free time to learn a lot of math, and then maybe one day contribute. But I'm just not going to have the free time I need. I don't care if I suck, I'm happy just trying.
I believe in God. I love God. I want to be closer to God. But I feel like God doesn't even know that I exist, like God abandoned me, like God forgot about me. This is really cringe and retarded but I like to think of God as a kind mom rather than a stern father and I want to be closer to her and I want to be good but it's like God doesn't know that I exist or forgot about me or abandoned me, I don't know. I want to be very useful, I want to be like a devotedly loyal and strong soldier, I want to serve. I want to be a good person. I want to do what is right. I want to be better and improve. Do my best and hope for the best. I wish I were better, I want to improve and be better.
I really wish there were a god or guardian angel who watched over me and knew everything I had to go through. I don't care about having to suffer, I just wanted to live my life and follow my dreams and wish it weren't impossible.
I love dreaming, I love imagining, I love using my head, I love thinking. I want to know a lot of stuff and solve so many problems and write very elegant things. I have an internal world, it's my kingdom, my own kingdom, and I want to develop it, I want to build it. I want to be free but I was born in a prison. I love living in my world of imagination and I like imagining things and I feel like anything is possible, you just have to really want it. I sort of live in my own world, it's a separate world from everything else, it's very dear and precious to me, it's like my personal heaven, and I wish I could have explored this and I wanted to see how deep it goes and I wanted to show everyone what's it like, but I never got to.
I don't know. It just feels like it wasn't supposed to be like this, it feels like my life could have been different, but something went wrong. I feel like I had the potential for immense freedom and happiness, but it ended up like this, so I wanted to at least complain about it, even though I don't know what exactly I'm supposed to say and what words I should use. There is something I'm supposed to say, I have to tell the world, but I don't know exactly what it is, I don't know. I wanted to realize my dreams. Or at least try to. Something went wrong. It feel like it wasn't supposed to be like this. I definetely feel like there is something inside me but something went wrong.
I don't know, when I read imageboards like this I see so many people complaining that they don't know what the meaning of life is or that they feel empty or that they don't know what's the point of it all, for me it's like the opposite, I feel the opposite of empty, and I feel like I could have a very meaningful life, and I feel like I sort of get what's the point, but I'm held back by problems and setbacks and because my life is a mess and I'm like in a prison, it's just that I was born very poor and ugly and into a sh*t family and they messed me up, it's all a mess and it would take a text several times longer than this one to explain exactly everything that went wrong in my life and why I didn't make it, it was just a torturous.
From now on, I'll try moving on, I'll try to really be myself even though it's kind of pointless now, focus on learning mathematics and computer science and a little of physics and hope one day I'll be able to contribute, dedicate myself entirely to learning and hope I can contribute, and try to live my life like I always wanted to even though it's too late and there's no point anymore. I think I'll fail because my life is a mess.
I don't know, I feel a lot of things and there are a lot of things I want to say but it's very embarrassing and this post is too long. I'll live on my own now and try to start something new and original even if no one will see it. There are so many things I want to say but I'll never get to.
I don't know, sorry.
TL;DR: I like mathematics and computer science but my life is a mess.
Sorry.
I know no one is going to read this embarrassing wall of text. Sorry.
Sorry for how I've behaved. And for how I'm behaving right now. I might have had a severe case of a dissociative disorder for more than 20 years. Or complex PTSD or some other mental illness, I don't know. It felt like I wasn't being myself, like someone else was in my body, not me. I didn't have control over my own thoughts and actions. I don't even have memories of most of my life, I might have more memories from the last couple of years than the entire rest of my life combined. It's like I was in some kind of comma through my entire life and I just woke up and remembered who I am just recently.
My childhood was a mess. It was chaotic. I can't describe the things my family did to me, but there was just abuse every day, and I never had the freedom to just choose what I want to do with my life. It was hell. They messed my head and broke my mind. I even tried to seriously hang myself when I was just ~8 years old, not for attention, really tried to die, and almost succeeded.
I love mathematics. I just wanted to have spent all my youth, my childhood and adolescence, studying mathematics, that's all. I wanted to get into math and cs when I was very little, like when I had a single digit age, as early as possible, and spend all of my free time learning and studying, dedicate every instant of my existence to learning and geting better, not care about anything but math and cs. Then one day go to an university, and become a researcher. Or I don't know. My life could have been different. I really, really love mathematics and computer science, and wanted to get very serious about them from an early age, that's all, but I didn't because my youth was a mess and it's not my fault. Please believe me. I just wanted to study a lot and learn a lot of things and go to an university and contribute but I didn't because my life is a mess. That's it, basically.
I would do anything for a chance. I never had a chance. I didn't live my youth, I didn't live my life. So I wish I had a chance. I just wanted to go to school, get good grades, be a good boy, go back home, do my homework and spend the rest of the day learning math and cs with a basic desktop computer and internet and books. I wanted to do that every day through my entire school life. I really love just learning interesting things. Everyone gets a chance, everyone has a chance to grow, everyone has a childhood, not me, I was never a child, I wanted a chance like everyone else, I wanted to dedicate myself to learning, that's all. I want to be a child again, I want to go to school, I want to be a good student and learn a lot of things, I want to be myself and show what I'm really like. I want all my time back. I wish I could reincarnate and be a child again because I never got to in this life. I lost my 25 years of life and can't seem to get over it. I love fantasizing about how I wish it were different, I love daydreaming about it. I like to imagine just going to school, always being on time, being the best student. Being dedicated, focused, disciplined and hard working. Reading a lot, knowing a lot, being myself. Making my teachers proud every day. Participating in contests like olympiads and science fairs and such. And doing my homework and preparing for class. And then when I get home I just spend all my time reading advanced textbooks I bought from the internet or using the computer to learn programming languages and more about computers and exploring the internet and such, and implementing all the math I learned in various programming languages and writing and breaking algorithms and such. And then one day I apply to college and I'm admitted and I work very hard in college as well and become a researcher or I don't know and then I contribute as much as possible.
I just wanted to spend my entire youth learning a lot of things and go to an university and become a researcher. I just really like math and wanted to get good at it. I didn't because my life was a mess. It's not my fault. I was born in extreme conditions and had a very chaotic youth.
If there is a God, I beg you, please give me a chance. I never had a chance like everyone else. I never got to grow like everyone else. I just wanted to be a good kid, go to school, be a good student, and spend all of my free time learning about math and computers and programming and such. Then go to an university. I just wanted my youth to be different, I never lived, I didn't get to live, I never had a life, I never got to try being myself. Now is too late and there's nothing I can do, sorry.
I really want to reincarnate after I die. I want to try again. I wish I could keep trying forever until I succeed.
Now seems like too late. I'm poor and was born in a sh*thole and will have to wageslave if I want a chance to just survive. Honestly I'd rather just be homeless and starve to death on some alley, since I'm too cowardly and too stupid to kill myself. I wish it were possible to just live the rest of my life like I wanted my youth to be like, just learning every day and nothing else, but it's a mess. I just wish I had a lot of free time to learn a lot of math, and then maybe one day contribute. But I'm just not going to have the free time I need. I don't care if I suck, I'm happy just trying.
I believe in God. I love God. I want to be closer to God. But I feel like God doesn't even know that I exist, like God abandoned me, like God forgot about me. This is really cringe and retarded but I like to think of God as a kind mom rather than a stern father and I want to be closer to her and I want to be good but it's like God doesn't know that I exist or forgot about me or abandoned me, I don't know. I want to be very useful, I want to be like a devotedly loyal and strong soldier, I want to serve. I want to be a good person. I want to do what is right. I want to be better and improve. Do my best and hope for the best. I wish I were better, I want to improve and be better.
I really wish there were a god or guardian angel who watched over me and knew everything I had to go through. I don't care about having to suffer, I just wanted to live my life and follow my dreams and wish it weren't impossible.
I love dreaming, I love imagining, I love using my head, I love thinking. I want to know a lot of stuff and solve so many problems and write very elegant things. I have an internal world, it's my kingdom, my own kingdom, and I want to develop it, I want to build it. I want to be free but I was born in a prison. I love living in my world of imagination and I like imagining things and I feel like anything is possible, you just have to really want it. I sort of live in my own world, it's a separate world from everything else, it's very dear and precious to me, it's like my personal heaven, and I wish I could have explored this and I wanted to see how deep it goes and I wanted to show everyone what's it like, but I never got to.
I don't know. It just feels like it wasn't supposed to be like this, it feels like my life could have been different, but something went wrong. I feel like I had the potential for immense freedom and happiness, but it ended up like this, so I wanted to at least complain about it, even though I don't know what exactly I'm supposed to say and what words I should use. There is something I'm supposed to say, I have to tell the world, but I don't know exactly what it is, I don't know. I wanted to realize my dreams. Or at least try to. Something went wrong. It feel like it wasn't supposed to be like this. I definetely feel like there is something inside me but something went wrong.
I don't know, when I read imageboards like this I see so many people complaining that they don't know what the meaning of life is or that they feel empty or that they don't know what's the point of it all, for me it's like the opposite, I feel the opposite of empty, and I feel like I could have a very meaningful life, and I feel like I sort of get what's the point, but I'm held back by problems and setbacks and because my life is a mess and I'm like in a prison, it's just that I was born very poor and ugly and into a sh*t family and they messed me up, it's all a mess and it would take a text several times longer than this one to explain exactly everything that went wrong in my life and why I didn't make it, it was just a torturous.
From now on, I'll try moving on, I'll try to really be myself even though it's kind of pointless now, focus on learning mathematics and computer science and a little of physics and hope one day I'll be able to contribute, dedicate myself entirely to learning and hope I can contribute, and try to live my life like I always wanted to even though it's too late and there's no point anymore. I think I'll fail because my life is a mess.
I don't know, I feel a lot of things and there are a lot of things I want to say but it's very embarrassing and this post is too long. I'll live on my own now and try to start something new and original even if no one will see it. There are so many things I want to say but I'll never get to.
I don't know, sorry.
TL;DR: I like mathematics and computer science but my life is a mess.
Sorry.
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You ever feel like you take your job too seriously but simultaneously not seriously enough?
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I just feel like one of the Observers from Fringe most of the time.
>>284568
Life sucks. We all had good potential growing up but it went to shit. Maybe it was toxic parents or school bullies. It doesn't matter now. You need to accept that 99% whatever childhood potential you had is gone now. 99% of people are destined to be peasant so there is 99% chance we are one of them. Nothing can be done about it. Just till the fields and go to church on sunday. The nobles can feast and fuck our mothers. Why do we care? We are doing our best.
>>284569
Sorry for what? To whom? I've never read anything in your rants that indicated you did anything wrong. Didn't live up to your potential? So what? Not living up to your peers expectation? Not your problem. Disliked by other people? If they won't love you at your worst they don't deserve to love you when you've succeeded, so fuck them. Don't let anybody make you feel bad. Not even yourself.
Life sucks. We all had good potential growing up but it went to shit. Maybe it was toxic parents or school bullies. It doesn't matter now. You need to accept that 99% whatever childhood potential you had is gone now. 99% of people are destined to be peasant so there is 99% chance we are one of them. Nothing can be done about it. Just till the fields and go to church on sunday. The nobles can feast and fuck our mothers. Why do we care? We are doing our best.
>>284569
Sorry for what? To whom? I've never read anything in your rants that indicated you did anything wrong. Didn't live up to your potential? So what? Not living up to your peers expectation? Not your problem. Disliked by other people? If they won't love you at your worst they don't deserve to love you when you've succeeded, so fuck them. Don't let anybody make you feel bad. Not even yourself.
>>284589
the point is, answering him is probably useless. the wiz is really tough on mental health. as indicated in the previous thread he's been doing it for years every time posting the same thing again and again. i remember dsm said something to the effect that it is a feature of psychosis when you drool about the same thing forever. he really fucking makes the same post everytime.
scary that i can relate to some points of his speech
the point is, answering him is probably useless. the wiz is really tough on mental health. as indicated in the previous thread he's been doing it for years every time posting the same thing again and again. i remember dsm said something to the effect that it is a feature of psychosis when you drool about the same thing forever. he really fucking makes the same post everytime.
scary that i can relate to some points of his speech
>>284591
>scary that i can relate to some points of his speech
Some points? Try all of them. Everything from the misplaced guilt, to wanting to do mathematics, to wanting a second chance, to believing that there is inherent goodness hidden in yourself and the world that just need to be dug up. Even his anime image choice fit my tastes perfectly. I know he's schizophrenic and probably won't understand what I say but I still feel like I need to say something instead of letting his cries just disappear into the void without a reply. I feel really bad for him. World is fucked up.
>scary that i can relate to some points of his speech
Some points? Try all of them. Everything from the misplaced guilt, to wanting to do mathematics, to wanting a second chance, to believing that there is inherent goodness hidden in yourself and the world that just need to be dug up. Even his anime image choice fit my tastes perfectly. I know he's schizophrenic and probably won't understand what I say but I still feel like I need to say something instead of letting his cries just disappear into the void without a reply. I feel really bad for him. World is fucked up.
>>284592
actually i'm thankful to him in a way. it really helps to observe that your problems are far from unique and even farther from such severe cases as his.
actually i'm thankful to him in a way. it really helps to observe that your problems are far from unique and even farther from such severe cases as his.
The cat has been all over me and now all my clothes smell like the cat and holy fuck I do not like the smell and being all in cat, but I like the cat so you know it is a really messy feeling. Damn.
My brother is in huge debt again for nonsense, I’m struggling to keep this house together as a mentally ill fuckup and everyone else is fucking everything up. I’m so glad the gene pool ends here.
>>284597
you're keeping it together, you're the good specimen
>ends
are you sure about your brother ending it?
you're keeping it together, you're the good specimen
>ends
are you sure about your brother ending it?
Snitches do indeed get stitches.
I should have allowed what I learned in childhood and in the schoolyards to carry over into adulthood. Otherwise I wouldn't have ended up in this predicament.
I should have allowed what I learned in childhood and in the schoolyards to carry over into adulthood. Otherwise I wouldn't have ended up in this predicament.
I am soon 40, which feels unreal. I still feel like I am 21, like it was yesterday. Nowadays I just drink some wine and looking at old video clips and pictures I have accumulated, although much of it is gone in harddrive crashes and what no never to be seen again. Content that is never coming back. I dont event know what to do anymore, it is like I am already dead or something.
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>mother yelling at me about being on the internet/computer too often (note that i bought this computer myself and i pay for my own internet – her internet included, but anyway)
>ask her what else should i do besides relax online outside of applying to jobs as we live in a bumfuck bible belt normalshit town and i'm so autistic the employers around here just spit on me
>she goes silent and just starts yelling again about how i need to "clean up more" (by this she means clean up after her)
i'm listening to her bitching right now. there's genuinely nothing worse than living home as an adult but i worked too hard in university to be homeless. if this staffing agency doesn't work out, i'm not sure what i'll do.
oh, but speaking of cleaning: why does she whine so hard about having to ASK me to do things? you do realize i'm not the one who's so slovenly that i keep the slop bucket on the sink full of slop, right? i don't even use it. i take my trash out all the time. every single day. my room is rather spotless, so what if i sometimes keep my folded jeans on the dresser though instead of inside of the cabinet for easy access. it's otherwise clean. if you make yourself food and i don't get any – why do i have to clean up after you? it's ridiculous for a succubus pushing 60 to be this whiny, childish, and entitled. shouldn't you be happy i always get up to do what you ask? even when it's something as stupid as bringing you water when you're seconds from the sink? cannot wait until i can cut this crazy bitch out of my life, i was utterly retarded to refuse the sole offer i had this year (which was out of state!) because i thought i'd miss her. if i could go back i would
>ask her what else should i do besides relax online outside of applying to jobs as we live in a bumfuck bible belt normalshit town and i'm so autistic the employers around here just spit on me
>she goes silent and just starts yelling again about how i need to "clean up more" (by this she means clean up after her)
i'm listening to her bitching right now. there's genuinely nothing worse than living home as an adult but i worked too hard in university to be homeless. if this staffing agency doesn't work out, i'm not sure what i'll do.
oh, but speaking of cleaning: why does she whine so hard about having to ASK me to do things? you do realize i'm not the one who's so slovenly that i keep the slop bucket on the sink full of slop, right? i don't even use it. i take my trash out all the time. every single day. my room is rather spotless, so what if i sometimes keep my folded jeans on the dresser though instead of inside of the cabinet for easy access. it's otherwise clean. if you make yourself food and i don't get any – why do i have to clean up after you? it's ridiculous for a succubus pushing 60 to be this whiny, childish, and entitled. shouldn't you be happy i always get up to do what you ask? even when it's something as stupid as bringing you water when you're seconds from the sink? cannot wait until i can cut this crazy bitch out of my life, i was utterly retarded to refuse the sole offer i had this year (which was out of state!) because i thought i'd miss her. if i could go back i would
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>>284613
>i was utterly retarded to refuse the sole offer i had this year (which was out of state!) because i thought i'd miss her.
>i was utterly retarded to refuse the sole offer i had this year (which was out of state!) because i thought i'd miss her.
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>>284614
she guilt-tripped me very hard and i do love my mother even if she is an impossible cunt (our relationship was so heavenly when i was on my own and studying at uni – she was like a fucking hallmark mother)
>ohh anon i'm sooo old you're gonna leave me alone here? anything could happen. i could die at any time, i've been feeling so sick :/ you know you're the only thing left on this earth that i love, right :( won't you come back home? don't you know your "condition" (autism) is tough to deal with no family around? come on hun. maybe i can come with you? yes you know i hate renting and i looove my house but i'd miss you so much :(
to calling me a literal retard all the time and using me as her personal punching bag. i'm now for certain her true aim was this: she believed my degree was going to net me some crazy billionaire salary right out of the gate and i could be a living wallet for her (she looooves spending my meager savings and has mentioned buying some shitty house to "fix up together" more than once), and this job was a starter job with an entry level salary – so all that crap wouldn't be possible immediately. this ofc hasn't turned out to be true, so she's now ornery 24/7.
it's my fault and i'm young enough to feel i can bounce back (24's not old right?) but i hate myself for being that stupid.
she guilt-tripped me very hard and i do love my mother even if she is an impossible cunt (our relationship was so heavenly when i was on my own and studying at uni – she was like a fucking hallmark mother)
>ohh anon i'm sooo old you're gonna leave me alone here? anything could happen. i could die at any time, i've been feeling so sick :/ you know you're the only thing left on this earth that i love, right :( won't you come back home? don't you know your "condition" (autism) is tough to deal with no family around? come on hun. maybe i can come with you? yes you know i hate renting and i looove my house but i'd miss you so much :(
to calling me a literal retard all the time and using me as her personal punching bag. i'm now for certain her true aim was this: she believed my degree was going to net me some crazy billionaire salary right out of the gate and i could be a living wallet for her (she looooves spending my meager savings and has mentioned buying some shitty house to "fix up together" more than once), and this job was a starter job with an entry level salary – so all that crap wouldn't be possible immediately. this ofc hasn't turned out to be true, so she's now ornery 24/7.
it's my fault and i'm young enough to feel i can bounce back (24's not old right?) but i hate myself for being that stupid.
>>284615
oh: and i graduated this year. had to take off for covid and work a few jobs so i wouldn't lose my place during a rent spike kek
oh: and i graduated this year. had to take off for covid and work a few jobs so i wouldn't lose my place during a rent spike kek
>>284615
I think everyone here who's had an abusive or dysfunctional relationship with their mother has been pulled back into her clutches after sentimentality and fears of loneliness crop up, only to wish they'd have not been so weak or wish the bitch had stuck to her guns. I don't know how many times it happened to you but after 2 or 3 times I stopped giving a shit.
I think everyone here who's had an abusive or dysfunctional relationship with their mother has been pulled back into her clutches after sentimentality and fears of loneliness crop up, only to wish they'd have not been so weak or wish the bitch had stuck to her guns. I don't know how many times it happened to you but after 2 or 3 times I stopped giving a shit.
I like how the sunlight coming in through my bedroom window makes the pages in one of my open binders glow so brightly blue it makes my binder look like a tablet.
Like tears in the rain
pottery
Like tears in the rain
pottery
>>284618
this is the first time so far. it will be the last…i'll sound evil for this but i feel good knowing i'm not the only one to fuck up like this
this is the first time so far. it will be the last…i'll sound evil for this but i feel good knowing i'm not the only one to fuck up like this
The other day I remembered playing Ark: Survival Evolved and how much it made me rage harder than just about any other video game ever
then the nostalgia set in and I got sad
then the nostalgia set in and I got sad
>>284612
Happy early birthday wizbro. To be honest I've never gotten a single hard drive crash, I just remebered I've been using the same pair of 500gb 2.5 drives since 2010. They have about 70k hours each. I have other drives but they contain mostly media and backups.
And yeah, time really does fly I'm approaching mid 30s, same sentiments as yours. It's like it was all yesterday…
Happy early birthday wizbro. To be honest I've never gotten a single hard drive crash, I just remebered I've been using the same pair of 500gb 2.5 drives since 2010. They have about 70k hours each. I have other drives but they contain mostly media and backups.
And yeah, time really does fly I'm approaching mid 30s, same sentiments as yours. It's like it was all yesterday…
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I was thinking of buying a chocolate cheesecake or two for my 34th birthday but then I remembered that my birthday is still a few weeks away and I think I might have diabetes or something because my heart feels as if it's about to explode any day now from all the sweets I've been eating.
Fuck
ominous
Fuck
ominous
>somehow manage to be both high on sugar+caffeine while depressed all at once
Such is life!
Such is life!
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even playing with a cat exhausts me so much my mind goes bland and head turns empty. i used to be so vigorous and relentless. i feel like a retard now.
I fixed my bed yesterday by adding multiple layers of blankets. Blankets after blankets after blankets. Thick blankets, thin blankets, black blankets, white blankets, gray blankets, multicolored blankets… I added every single blanket at my disposal. I now find it difficult to walk around my bed because it's covered in so many layers of blankets that there's very little room between my bed and other furniture in my room.
Gotta' say. I think I slept fairly well.
But why do the hallucinations remain vicious as ever?
Gotta' say. I think I slept fairly well.
But why do the hallucinations remain vicious as ever?
Hallucinations doing that thing again where they pretend to be gods or someshit capable of single-handedly ending all unhappiness in existence
But for whatever reason
They want me to end my own unhappiness first
by killing someone.
But for whatever reason
They want me to end my own unhappiness first
by killing someone.
>>284643
maybe your that kind of psychopaths who kill because voices tell them to do so? is there no helping? it's not funny.
maybe your that kind of psychopaths who kill because voices tell them to do so? is there no helping? it's not funny.
>>284646
Yeah one of my therapists didn't think that this was funny either and she had me involuntarily committed to a hospital last year.
I mean, I don't really want to kill anyone (even though I really hate people), but I guess people don't fully trust in me maintaining control over my actions.
As the police once told me in 2015 (unrelated to last year's incident, obviously), "we can't arrest you because you haven't done anything wrong."
I guess only time will tell.
Yeah one of my therapists didn't think that this was funny either and she had me involuntarily committed to a hospital last year.
I mean, I don't really want to kill anyone (even though I really hate people), but I guess people don't fully trust in me maintaining control over my actions.
As the police once told me in 2015 (unrelated to last year's incident, obviously), "we can't arrest you because you haven't done anything wrong."
I guess only time will tell.
>>284385
thats why when youre working you need to put on a perfect act. never show weakness, only do what makes sense and what you have to do. its a tricky slope.
thats why when youre working you need to put on a perfect act. never show weakness, only do what makes sense and what you have to do. its a tricky slope.
>>284613
I'm 30 and still living with parents i can't take it anymore. just hearing their dumb conversations drives mecrazy. humans arefnt supposed to be around their parents all the time
I'm 30 and still living with parents i can't take it anymore. just hearing their dumb conversations drives mecrazy. humans arefnt supposed to be around their parents all the time
>>284648
>people don't fully trust in me maintaining control over my actions
i know it doesn't sound very pleasant, but when you're hallucinating it's really not granted that you'll be able to be in control of your actions all the time. besides your stacking of blankets on the bed really sounds like some desperate action of a man who's half lost his mind, no offense, but you really don't find people, even autistic, just stacking all the blankets on the bed. your hatred towards people is fully justified, but is there really not a single party capable of providing help? i don't know, maybe in some nearby city?
>people don't fully trust in me maintaining control over my actions
i know it doesn't sound very pleasant, but when you're hallucinating it's really not granted that you'll be able to be in control of your actions all the time. besides your stacking of blankets on the bed really sounds like some desperate action of a man who's half lost his mind, no offense, but you really don't find people, even autistic, just stacking all the blankets on the bed. your hatred towards people is fully justified, but is there really not a single party capable of providing help? i don't know, maybe in some nearby city?
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I just don't get how people are so good at coming to terms with the realities of life and having a consciousness. It all seems so surreal to me but when I try to talk with people about what feels like a big issue to me I just get ignored and I feel like a retard having written some emotional post that seemingly no one resonated with.
For example it's crazy to me how most people hate their jobs yet life goes on and that's just a fact people accept.
For example it's crazy to me how most people hate their jobs yet life goes on and that's just a fact people accept.
>>284678
I feel the same. We exist in hell but people just… tolerate it and accept it. I think part of it is that they derive so much satisfaction from things we don't, especially their relationships. However, they also often seem incapable of comprehending how much better things could be if only people would stop complying and engage in collection action. I don't really understand
I feel the same. We exist in hell but people just… tolerate it and accept it. I think part of it is that they derive so much satisfaction from things we don't, especially their relationships. However, they also often seem incapable of comprehending how much better things could be if only people would stop complying and engage in collection action. I don't really understand
>>284678
I don't know how people can live comfortably knowing someone is suffering terrible accidents or diseases every second
I don't know how people can live comfortably knowing someone is suffering terrible accidents or diseases every second
>>284678
It's a combination of a low level of self-awareness and a psychological defense mechanism blocking out uncomfortable truths. My parents all exhibit signs of hating their lives and families but if you press them they'll keep repeating live laugh love bullshit to you.
It's a combination of a low level of self-awareness and a psychological defense mechanism blocking out uncomfortable truths. My parents all exhibit signs of hating their lives and families but if you press them they'll keep repeating live laugh love bullshit to you.
>>284679
the thing is I would understand it as everyone just trying to make the best of it but people have kids which I understand as "signing the terms and conditions of life"
>>284680
I still am trying to find some philosophical way to come to terms with this fact that some people are born into a life where all they know is struggle. It's just so unfair, even if there can't be an expectation of fairness from life which just seems like a process that emerged rather than being designed by someone.
>>284681
This is something that frustrates me. When people seem to not have consistent values and beliefs talking to them feels like a waste of time like talking to a chatbot that doesn't remember what you said previously.
the thing is I would understand it as everyone just trying to make the best of it but people have kids which I understand as "signing the terms and conditions of life"
>>284680
I still am trying to find some philosophical way to come to terms with this fact that some people are born into a life where all they know is struggle. It's just so unfair, even if there can't be an expectation of fairness from life which just seems like a process that emerged rather than being designed by someone.
>>284681
This is something that frustrates me. When people seem to not have consistent values and beliefs talking to them feels like a waste of time like talking to a chatbot that doesn't remember what you said previously.
>>284678
this is how it's supposed to be. you are supposed to be oblivious of anything happening around you except the ability to reproduce and eat. eat because otherwise no reproduce. you're not supposed to be concerned with anything else, the fact you even ask such questions is an error. there is no cope
this is how it's supposed to be. you are supposed to be oblivious of anything happening around you except the ability to reproduce and eat. eat because otherwise no reproduce. you're not supposed to be concerned with anything else, the fact you even ask such questions is an error. there is no cope
>voices in my head kept telling me that various family members are dead or something and it's all my fault
>voices also tell me to go outside
>I go outside to seek family members
>I find them
>I talk with them for a bit
>everything is fine
>I return home
>I feel even worse than before
C'est la vie or whatever somesuch bullshit
>voices also tell me to go outside
>I go outside to seek family members
>I find them
>I talk with them for a bit
>everything is fine
>I return home
>I feel even worse than before
C'est la vie or whatever somesuch bullshit
>>284688
yeah, i feel really jealous of people when i hear of them actually enjoying things. even when i was a kid all i wanted to do was lay in bed. i would sleep through every period in class and come home just to sleep for 16 hours occasionally fishing on runescape/world of warcraft or something until it was time to wake up for school. i dont understand how anyone enjoys anything.
yeah, i feel really jealous of people when i hear of them actually enjoying things. even when i was a kid all i wanted to do was lay in bed. i would sleep through every period in class and come home just to sleep for 16 hours occasionally fishing on runescape/world of warcraft or something until it was time to wake up for school. i dont understand how anyone enjoys anything.
I heard a baby crying outside the other day and wondered, "why are people still bringing new humans to this world?"
I didn't tell anybody until now because I'm a pussy like that
I didn't tell anybody until now because I'm a pussy like that
>>284691
they just do man, you're simply just fucked. your brain is wired differently or you're probably ahead of the curve, don't worry about it. sleep it off and play more vidya and enjoy the comfyness of your life
they just do man, you're simply just fucked. your brain is wired differently or you're probably ahead of the curve, don't worry about it. sleep it off and play more vidya and enjoy the comfyness of your life
I went to see my cousin and grandmother yesterday. I told them about my hallucinations. My cousin revealed to me that he, too, experiences auditory and sometimes both visual and even tactile hallucinations. But neither he nor our grandmother thinks of them as "hallucinations"–nor a symptom of a psychotic disorder, or whatever. They consider these to be genuine paranormal, religious experiences.
But they agree that my hallucinations, however, aren't actually religious in nature–and that I should speak with a medical doctor.
Even though I've only been hallucinating since 2019–attempting to find the difference between "paranormal" experiences as being that of:
- something caused purely by mental illness
or
- something genuinely religious in nature–beyond the human mind
…it's something that I've been thinking and obsessing about for something like 20 to 25 years (perhaps more) and was probably a partially contributing factor to the onset of my psychosis.
And there's no easy way to discuss this with my family, because religion (to be specific: Santeria) plays a big part in their lives. Nor is this particularly easy to discuss with anyone else.
But they agree that my hallucinations, however, aren't actually religious in nature–and that I should speak with a medical doctor.
Even though I've only been hallucinating since 2019–attempting to find the difference between "paranormal" experiences as being that of:
- something caused purely by mental illness
or
- something genuinely religious in nature–beyond the human mind
…it's something that I've been thinking and obsessing about for something like 20 to 25 years (perhaps more) and was probably a partially contributing factor to the onset of my psychosis.
And there's no easy way to discuss this with my family, because religion (to be specific: Santeria) plays a big part in their lives. Nor is this particularly easy to discuss with anyone else.
>>284706
sounds like shit. i'm not really at the
>Even though I've only been hallucinating since 2019–attempting to find the difference between "paranormal" experiences as being that of
part. have you started to hallucinate to figure out if it is more related to God or to schizophrenia? or have you started to hallucinate and then to figure out? and you're pretty damn old, aren't you? but they say psychotic issues usually start early and late onset is unlikely and dwindles with age.
can you please explain?
sounds like shit. i'm not really at the
>Even though I've only been hallucinating since 2019–attempting to find the difference between "paranormal" experiences as being that of
part. have you started to hallucinate to figure out if it is more related to God or to schizophrenia? or have you started to hallucinate and then to figure out? and you're pretty damn old, aren't you? but they say psychotic issues usually start early and late onset is unlikely and dwindles with age.
can you please explain?
>>284708
>have you started to hallucinate to figure out if it is more related to God or to schizophrenia? or have you started to hallucinate and then to figure out?
I don't induce hallucinations intentionally; I don't take psychedelics, hallucinogens, nor any other illegal drug of that sort. The hallucinations began entirely on their own. The diagnosis that appeared in my medical records of 2019 shows: "psychotic disorder not otherwise specified".
>and you're pretty damn old, aren't you?
I'm 34.
Yeah there's no easy way around this. It all probably falls under epistemology or some other philosophical school of thought. The sort of thing that people have been arguing about for thousands of years, and will more than likely not be able to provide any immediate, satisfying answers to someone psychotic such as myself.
>have you started to hallucinate to figure out if it is more related to God or to schizophrenia? or have you started to hallucinate and then to figure out?
I don't induce hallucinations intentionally; I don't take psychedelics, hallucinogens, nor any other illegal drug of that sort. The hallucinations began entirely on their own. The diagnosis that appeared in my medical records of 2019 shows: "psychotic disorder not otherwise specified".
>and you're pretty damn old, aren't you?
I'm 34.
Yeah there's no easy way around this. It all probably falls under epistemology or some other philosophical school of thought. The sort of thing that people have been arguing about for thousands of years, and will more than likely not be able to provide any immediate, satisfying answers to someone psychotic such as myself.
>sleep it off
Does it even work for you wizs? When I wake up I feel like I have just skipped several hours. It really feels like one extremely long continuous day, more so because I do not have any more memories from daily chores than I have from dreams if I dream at all. I am just as tired at morning as I am throughout the day and before going to sleep. I wish I could just
>sleep it off
Does it even work for you wizs? When I wake up I feel like I have just skipped several hours. It really feels like one extremely long continuous day, more so because I do not have any more memories from daily chores than I have from dreams if I dream at all. I am just as tired at morning as I am throughout the day and before going to sleep. I wish I could just
>sleep it off
>>284711
I loved lying in bed for long periods of time when my depression was more lethargy/catatonia…but now I feel more anxious and restless where lying in bed does not help at all.
I loved lying in bed for long periods of time when my depression was more lethargy/catatonia…but now I feel more anxious and restless where lying in bed does not help at all.
my life has been one gigantic failure. one failure one after the other. i have never succeeded in anything ive ever done.
Kinda' sucks to see how I have this very wealthy uncle who can afford a 3-storey house with 10 bedrooms but his siblings still struggle financially. In particular–my father and one of my aunts–struggle a lot. There's probably a reason for that. Independence plays a part, I suppose, and there's only so much that one man can do. Things in the family have probably become very complicated (I've distanced myself significantly from them over these past 15 to 20 years when I noticed how it was seemingly impossible to please them) as everyone has been getting older and we just aren't as close as we used to be 25 to 30 years ago.
I remember fantasizing about a time in which we would all be living together like in a small town or large mansion and all of our money problems would be over and we'd all finally be able to get along. But I'm starting to see now that, yeah, nah, that just ain't gonna' happen.
I guess that that's just how it goes with time and age. Extended families grow apart, split up into various smaller "nuclear" families. A few generations later–and the descendants can no longer recognize each other as family.
I remember fantasizing about a time in which we would all be living together like in a small town or large mansion and all of our money problems would be over and we'd all finally be able to get along. But I'm starting to see now that, yeah, nah, that just ain't gonna' happen.
I guess that that's just how it goes with time and age. Extended families grow apart, split up into various smaller "nuclear" families. A few generations later–and the descendants can no longer recognize each other as family.
It's fucking incredible how well I can recall how this time (November and December) in previous years such as 2015, 2016, and 2017; I'd managed to find ways to keep myself entertained and relatively content–much less unhappy than I am now. But the hallucinations claim that I should feel grateful for their presence today.
I know that none of that makes any sense to anyone other than me and that shit drives me nuttier.
I know that none of that makes any sense to anyone other than me and that shit drives me nuttier.
>>284722
>doesn't make sense for others
what exactly does not make sense? hallucinations? probably. being unhappy? not sure, not sure.
>doesn't make sense for others
what exactly does not make sense? hallucinations? probably. being unhappy? not sure, not sure.
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Fuck health problems.
Finally I feel like I found a goal in life and now I get held back by things I can't control.
Finally I feel like I found a goal in life and now I get held back by things I can't control.
>>284734
what does it feel like to have internals of you thinking poured down your consciousness?
what does it feel like to have internals of you thinking poured down your consciousness?
>>284731
>things I can't control.
What problems exactly? Your health is in your hands for the most part.
>things I can't control.
What problems exactly? Your health is in your hands for the most part.
>>284741
No, it's true, though I understand the negative reaction to this fact given the amount of guys OTI who refuse to hold themselves accountable for their own decisions
What's confusing to me is why you defaulted to "back to 4chan" as a way to express disagreement. Is 4chan known for having guys who ask about the particulars of other men's health issues? Is making a post that short indicative that I've come from 4chan? Why is your posture so bad? You may think your shitpost responses are commonly understandable but they're really quite enigmatic.
No, it's true, though I understand the negative reaction to this fact given the amount of guys OTI who refuse to hold themselves accountable for their own decisions
What's confusing to me is why you defaulted to "back to 4chan" as a way to express disagreement. Is 4chan known for having guys who ask about the particulars of other men's health issues? Is making a post that short indicative that I've come from 4chan? Why is your posture so bad? You may think your shitpost responses are commonly understandable but they're really quite enigmatic.
>>284742
I think that anon is right. You should go someplace else if you plan to make such dumb posts. It doesn't have to be 4chan, it could be any place really.
I think that anon is right. You should go someplace else if you plan to make such dumb posts. It doesn't have to be 4chan, it could be any place really.
>>284743
You're free to refute my claim
>Your health is in your hands for the most part.
If you think that's wrong, you can explain why here.
You're free to refute my claim
>Your health is in your hands for the most part.
If you think that's wrong, you can explain why here.
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>>284744
I keep myself top-notch, no sugar, no alcohol, proper sleep, workout 7 days a week and all, scoffed at others for having to take pills(for digestive issues or disease kind) to function, but really bad fucked up shit still manages to sneak in and now I have to take pills to not go permanently blind myself.
Didn't even do anything to cause it.
I keep myself top-notch, no sugar, no alcohol, proper sleep, workout 7 days a week and all, scoffed at others for having to take pills(for digestive issues or disease kind) to function, but really bad fucked up shit still manages to sneak in and now I have to take pills to not go permanently blind myself.
Didn't even do anything to cause it.
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I hate how easily in previous years I could think about the inner workings of the human body and think to myself, "wow, I'm meat. Meat that THINKS!" without becoming disturbed.
I hate it because I can no longer have such thoughts without becoming disturbed because ever since the hallucinations began; they have this really fucked up way of showing me what my insides look at random points of the day. And the hallucinations tell me that they do this for good reason. They WANT me to feel disturbed.
I hate it because I can no longer have such thoughts without becoming disturbed because ever since the hallucinations began; they have this really fucked up way of showing me what my insides look at random points of the day. And the hallucinations tell me that they do this for good reason. They WANT me to feel disturbed.
Aw shit. I just realized that I can name several dozen kings and other important people from Mesopotamia during the Early Bronze Age but at this moment I can probably only recall the name of one leader during the First World War (Woodrow Wilson).
I probably know the details of various wars from over 3,000 to 4,000 years ago better than I do of the two World Wars. And it's not even the sort of thing worth bragging about, really, because much of history from before the 20th century isn't immediately relevant to the average person today. Understandable.
And the only person I ever talked with about history was my older brother and his favorite time period is pretty much just WW2. And even he isn't really all that much into history.
I probably know the details of various wars from over 3,000 to 4,000 years ago better than I do of the two World Wars. And it's not even the sort of thing worth bragging about, really, because much of history from before the 20th century isn't immediately relevant to the average person today. Understandable.
And the only person I ever talked with about history was my older brother and his favorite time period is pretty much just WW2. And even he isn't really all that much into history.
>>284746
Such is life, everyone thinks they're the shit until they get old and their body starts to decompose, have fun with the suffering buddy.
Such is life, everyone thinks they're the shit until they get old and their body starts to decompose, have fun with the suffering buddy.
>>284748
i GUESS I'm more into the history of ideas, which begins roughly with the Protestant Reformation, and in a broader sense you can go back to Ancient Greek philosophy.
But when you go much further back than that it just feels like one King after the other, who all stand for the same religion and system of government, its just which family dynasty gets to rule. And I just can't get any interest in that.
Although I suppose that's what people like about the Fantasy setting, which takes place in an eternal medieval, where the big picture never changes, and its all about the contest for power within the system.
i GUESS I'm more into the history of ideas, which begins roughly with the Protestant Reformation, and in a broader sense you can go back to Ancient Greek philosophy.
But when you go much further back than that it just feels like one King after the other, who all stand for the same religion and system of government, its just which family dynasty gets to rule. And I just can't get any interest in that.
Although I suppose that's what people like about the Fantasy setting, which takes place in an eternal medieval, where the big picture never changes, and its all about the contest for power within the system.
>>284753
No. Fantasy is so good because it exposes a reader to a vast amount of freedom and free will. Characters often experience vivid adventures which simply can not be set in any other context, except medieval. Virgin world where *actually* can choose to go wherever you want and do whatever you want provided you have enough brain and muscles. This is just inherently impossible in the present where your every step in regulated. I however don't really love medieval even though I'm fine with it. What I really love is an intergalactic setting where regulations are just not possile due to the vastness of the cosmos. Fly, fight, do whatever. Enjoy the fucking life. Have the fucking choice. Holy shit, I'm at it again. God take away the fucking keyboard, I can't bear it anymore.
No. Fantasy is so good because it exposes a reader to a vast amount of freedom and free will. Characters often experience vivid adventures which simply can not be set in any other context, except medieval. Virgin world where *actually* can choose to go wherever you want and do whatever you want provided you have enough brain and muscles. This is just inherently impossible in the present where your every step in regulated. I however don't really love medieval even though I'm fine with it. What I really love is an intergalactic setting where regulations are just not possile due to the vastness of the cosmos. Fly, fight, do whatever. Enjoy the fucking life. Have the fucking choice. Holy shit, I'm at it again. God take away the fucking keyboard, I can't bear it anymore.
>>284758
I admit I'm not very into fantasy, so perhaps my take is totally wrong, but my impression of fantasy worlds is that they are timeless, eternal, unchanging. The social structure and culture, religions, ideas are taken as a given. And sure within that realm there are great adventures for the individual to have. But like the macro big picture of the world is static.
And that is how I feel most premodern societies were, with a few exceptions here and there. And why history doesn't become interesting to me until Martin Luther disrupts the IRL Tolkienverse of Medieval Christendom.
I admit I'm not very into fantasy, so perhaps my take is totally wrong, but my impression of fantasy worlds is that they are timeless, eternal, unchanging. The social structure and culture, religions, ideas are taken as a given. And sure within that realm there are great adventures for the individual to have. But like the macro big picture of the world is static.
And that is how I feel most premodern societies were, with a few exceptions here and there. And why history doesn't become interesting to me until Martin Luther disrupts the IRL Tolkienverse of Medieval Christendom.
>>284747
When I was a teenager, I would simply occupy my mind with something else when these kind of thoughts arrived. But now, at 25, I find it harder and harder to distract my mind. I'm getting fat because whenever I feel too anxious I eat. I eat a lot. Only food gives me pleasure.
When I was a teenager, I would simply occupy my mind with something else when these kind of thoughts arrived. But now, at 25, I find it harder and harder to distract my mind. I'm getting fat because whenever I feel too anxious I eat. I eat a lot. Only food gives me pleasure.
i am only vaguely aware of my actions or so it seems. my dreams do it again with me by the way. but on the other hand i haven't had any dream adventures in a while so it's kinda nice. i would be at full peace with these adventures if i didn't have to wake up though
Ended up messing with my little toy program instead of doing shit anyway. And so everyday.
I wish I lived in some golden age with lots of interesting people instead of this downtime where there are only fucking degenerates in every direction as far as sight reaches
I sit down to do something productive but then I quickly get overwhelmed and tired. Why is this? Is it a trained response or is the extra effort training my injured brain?
>>284782
I looked into it and there's something called "Directed Attention Fatigue" which sounds eerily similar to what I feel.
I looked into it and there's something called "Directed Attention Fatigue" which sounds eerily similar to what I feel.
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Ah, peak civilization…
…only time will tell!
…only time will tell!
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Trying the clean up hoarder shit
Can’t move one thing without other stuff falling down
Or move without knocking something
And every time it happens
The hoarder fucking tuts and moans
Hostility and resistance I’m getting
When I’m cleaning up this mess
The fucking screaming at me not to throw away things
Because they can’t differentiate between trash and valuable things
If I found a solid gold bar the hoarder would scream at me not to throw it away
Because I threw their bag of rotting trash away
They think I’m an indiscriminate idiot throwing everything away
When they’re the fucking broken one giving me grief
Fuck I hate hoarder family
Can’t move one thing without other stuff falling down
Or move without knocking something
And every time it happens
The hoarder fucking tuts and moans
Hostility and resistance I’m getting
When I’m cleaning up this mess
The fucking screaming at me not to throw away things
Because they can’t differentiate between trash and valuable things
If I found a solid gold bar the hoarder would scream at me not to throw it away
Because I threw their bag of rotting trash away
They think I’m an indiscriminate idiot throwing everything away
When they’re the fucking broken one giving me grief
Fuck I hate hoarder family
I remain baffled by the powers that lurk in the shadows sabotaging any attempts at improvement these past few decades.
My parents never took responsibility or apologized for my home life being garbage for most of my life, they just slowly stopped their terrible habits or simply couldn't afford it anymore and now pretend that everything is fine even though I had to and have to live in the fallout of it all. Wow you stopped binge drinking when you got to the point you would actually die if you kept it up good on you are you forgetting anything important you were supposed to be doing during that time like raising a kid no oh it's fine haha I'm an adult now I can deal with it
Oh fuck the day is almost over
It's dark out right now
Another wasted day
Holy shit this fucking blows.
It's dark out right now
Another wasted day
Holy shit this fucking blows.
>>284825
if you can deal with it you should really do so for your own good. getting your own wizplace is invaluable
if you can deal with it you should really do so for your own good. getting your own wizplace is invaluable
Every month my family spends more than what they earn, they keep using savings as a means to survive.
>>284878
you must be happy to not have enough pain and suffering to feed you throughout the entire 24
you must be happy to not have enough pain and suffering to feed you throughout the entire 24
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I love math. I want to help. I wish to be free. I will do my best. But my life is bad. I am alone. I am afraid. I wish to be free. God, please.
I would like to communicate but I can't.
Sorry.
I would like to communicate but I can't.
Sorry.
Me: "I should go outside today. Maybe go to Best Buy to buy a new power cord for my TV or something."
>Hallucinations: "Haha nope. Not gonna' happen."
Me: "I have an appointment with a dentist today."
>Hallucinations: "Haha nope. Not gonna' happen."
>Hallucinations: "Haha nope. Not gonna' happen."
Me: "I have an appointment with a dentist today."
>Hallucinations: "Haha nope. Not gonna' happen."
mana: 0/100
my cat is dead by morning. not a big deal. i've managed my misery quite nicely before, i'll manage after. take, take as much as you wish. the day comes and you will be the one berated.
my cat is dead by morning. not a big deal. i've managed my misery quite nicely before, i'll manage after. take, take as much as you wish. the day comes and you will be the one berated.
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As the hallucinations told me from the beginning in 2019:
>"Shut up, sit back, and enjoy the ride."
>"Shut up, sit back, and enjoy the ride."
See, I get that there are people who are psychotic who have it worse than I do. All I have to do is walk outside and around the city of Los Angeles to be able to encounter such people. The sort of people who are yelling obscenities at no one in particular, the types that pull their penis out and start urinating in broad daylight, the types that just mumble incoherently something at you before punching you in the face.
It's weird. I'll tell one of my therapists the truth–that the voices in my head are telling me to kill people–and next thing I know I have the police taking to me to a hospital in handcuffs. No shit, huh? I then find myself in a hospital for 72 hours with a bunch of other people who don't seem any more dangerous than some of the homeless people I see walking around the streets of the city. But it's involuntarily commitment to a hospital for me. They forcefully medicate me with an antipsychotic. They then let me out, but I'm still hallucinating.
I tell some people in my family about my hallucinations, and they tell me that they, too, have similar experiences. What they describe to me sounds very much like what I've experienced. They tell me of shadowy spirits crawling around in the night, negative energies… my family believes these experiences to be genuinely religious in nature. They are not products of the mind.
But not my experiences, however. My experiences are not religious. They are the products of mental illness. That I should have to go to a medical doctor about this. This is what my family believes.
I feel as if the Universe is telling me, "yes, people actually do have genuine religious experiences. They really do see beings from some other realm, some other plane, another dimension. Not you, though. Other people don't need to see medical doctors over this sort of thing. But you do. This was as true in 1999 as it was in 2007 as it is now. You. Are. Just. Not. That. Special."
It's weird. I'll tell one of my therapists the truth–that the voices in my head are telling me to kill people–and next thing I know I have the police taking to me to a hospital in handcuffs. No shit, huh? I then find myself in a hospital for 72 hours with a bunch of other people who don't seem any more dangerous than some of the homeless people I see walking around the streets of the city. But it's involuntarily commitment to a hospital for me. They forcefully medicate me with an antipsychotic. They then let me out, but I'm still hallucinating.
I tell some people in my family about my hallucinations, and they tell me that they, too, have similar experiences. What they describe to me sounds very much like what I've experienced. They tell me of shadowy spirits crawling around in the night, negative energies… my family believes these experiences to be genuinely religious in nature. They are not products of the mind.
But not my experiences, however. My experiences are not religious. They are the products of mental illness. That I should have to go to a medical doctor about this. This is what my family believes.
I feel as if the Universe is telling me, "yes, people actually do have genuine religious experiences. They really do see beings from some other realm, some other plane, another dimension. Not you, though. Other people don't need to see medical doctors over this sort of thing. But you do. This was as true in 1999 as it was in 2007 as it is now. You. Are. Just. Not. That. Special."
Now I'm starting to wonder if childhood friends could be considered true friends because I've noticed that adults have different standards for what it means to be a friend.
>>284899
do you want to be special? do you want to communicate with otherworldly powers? i have similar wishes. too bad.
do you want to be special? do you want to communicate with otherworldly powers? i have similar wishes. too bad.
God please give me back my health, at this point in time it is the only thing I truly wish for. Please. PLEASE.
or maybe as hell
as well -> as hell
go down the well until you enter hell
feel so well it melds into hell
fuck this shit, i was done for today even before i fucking woke up
as well -> as hell
go down the well until you enter hell
feel so well it melds into hell
fuck this shit, i was done for today even before i fucking woke up
>>284902
I think childhood friends could be considered the only real "true" friends. Kids, for the most part, are real human beings, they don't care about status and are free of pretensions - they walk up to one another on the playground and ask "Hey, want to play?" and become friends. This is all inverted in adults.
I think childhood friends could be considered the only real "true" friends. Kids, for the most part, are real human beings, they don't care about status and are free of pretensions - they walk up to one another on the playground and ask "Hey, want to play?" and become friends. This is all inverted in adults.
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I feel like there are limiters built into me that prevent me from achieving anything.
If I try to educate myself by reading I quickly start getting a headache.
If I try to grasp mathematical concepts I can feel my brain running out of "RAM".
No matter what I feel tired all the time.
Add to that obnoxious health problems like IBS that make me not want to leave my house.
Also constant self-doubts and over-analyzing.
I feel bad about being a jobless loser who lives with his parents at 32 but then I remember why I am in this position every time I try to do something.
If I try to educate myself by reading I quickly start getting a headache.
If I try to grasp mathematical concepts I can feel my brain running out of "RAM".
No matter what I feel tired all the time.
Add to that obnoxious health problems like IBS that make me not want to leave my house.
Also constant self-doubts and over-analyzing.
I feel bad about being a jobless loser who lives with his parents at 32 but then I remember why I am in this position every time I try to do something.
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>>284935
Nobody told you this, but you have to take stimulants to get anywhere at all in life.
It's just human augmentation.
Nobody told you this, but you have to take stimulants to get anywhere at all in life.
It's just human augmentation.
Hey did you know that there's such a thing as "double depression"? So you can have like this life-long disorder like "major depressive disorder" and you probably get sort of used to it but then one day BOOM! You also get the sort of depression that the average person might experience every once in awhile! So now you have two types of depression at the same time! Double depression!
This came to mind today because I've been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and have been feeling shittier than usual. I think I probably caught a cold after getting my annual flu shot for the common cold as my mother kept insisting I get one. I was gonna' get another COVID shot too but my mother made me laminate my COVID card thingy and now I don't think anyone can write on it.
This came to mind today because I've been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and have been feeling shittier than usual. I think I probably caught a cold after getting my annual flu shot for the common cold as my mother kept insisting I get one. I was gonna' get another COVID shot too but my mother made me laminate my COVID card thingy and now I don't think anyone can write on it.
i dont have anywhere left to go on the internet. i cant type cause i cant get any help or understanding, and i dont want to read about people with which i cant empathize cause i have to die. There are no places for people doomed to suffering and death it seems.
>>284942
Naw, man. Double depression has been around for a few decades:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double_depression
I find it a bit mind-blowing in a way. Like when I found out that one can get both COVID and the common cold virus at the same time. Double whammy!
Naw, man. Double depression has been around for a few decades:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double_depression
I find it a bit mind-blowing in a way. Like when I found out that one can get both COVID and the common cold virus at the same time. Double whammy!
Third cup of coffee today.
I hate it when caffeinated beverages don't show you the caffeine content per serving.
I like to compare and contrast the difference in stimulation every day when experimenting with my caffeine intake.
I'm guessing something like 150 to 450 mg of caffeine today so far.
I hate it when caffeinated beverages don't show you the caffeine content per serving.
I like to compare and contrast the difference in stimulation every day when experimenting with my caffeine intake.
I'm guessing something like 150 to 450 mg of caffeine today so far.
>>284937
>fatigue
wiz…
>>284936
why?
i feel like after a heartbreaking anime. so shit i want to fucking quit or something. after such anime you can at least stuff yourself with something else to get over the shit, but now it's so bad because i know no cope would get me over. i just fucking have to wait until it's over and i'm numb enough again. holy fucking heavens. just fucking how much. this is insane and gets more and more abusive every day and it's barely even the beginning of what's to come. holy fucking shit. holy shit. how the fuck am i supposed to suffer through this? and what's the fucking point anyway. i just fucking want to never wake up or something. i don't fucking know at this point. i'm already a fucking sack of inertia going on autopilot. what am i going to do when the worst comes? i can't fucking do anything. sheer amount of suffering and holy fucking shit i will have to take that if i'm not fortunate enough to be blessed with a quick death. holy fucking hell. if i knew what horrible shit i'm going to be forced to live through i wouldn't fucking even be born or would fucking kill myself and the age of whatever the fuck when you start drinking water on your own or something. i don't know. this is fucking maddening. i am really fucking full. at this point to amount of vent of any other bullshit is helping me to recuperate. no matter what the fuck i am doing. holy fucking shit. and i am so hard put to it that i don't even have a way to fucking /quit. not that it matters, i am not psychologically ready for suicide, so far only fantasizing. holy fucking shit. i guess it's all for now, don't have much to add. i was coping my best for the entire day. i fucking don't have a track of time. i hardly can tell when was the morning and what was the difference when it became evening. just a fucking continuous stripe of thick sticky suffering. just fucking too much. fuck it. holy fucking shit. just fuck it all. let this all fucking burn in the fucking hell for it deserves. and then i look around the internet and all hoards of those fuckers happy with their lives. fucking shit. just fucking end me already. but noo. you've got a special load of suffering for the likes of me. if i had a chance to kill the fucking god holy shit i would take it.
>fatigue
wiz…
>>284936
why?
i feel like after a heartbreaking anime. so shit i want to fucking quit or something. after such anime you can at least stuff yourself with something else to get over the shit, but now it's so bad because i know no cope would get me over. i just fucking have to wait until it's over and i'm numb enough again. holy fucking heavens. just fucking how much. this is insane and gets more and more abusive every day and it's barely even the beginning of what's to come. holy fucking shit. holy shit. how the fuck am i supposed to suffer through this? and what's the fucking point anyway. i just fucking want to never wake up or something. i don't fucking know at this point. i'm already a fucking sack of inertia going on autopilot. what am i going to do when the worst comes? i can't fucking do anything. sheer amount of suffering and holy fucking shit i will have to take that if i'm not fortunate enough to be blessed with a quick death. holy fucking hell. if i knew what horrible shit i'm going to be forced to live through i wouldn't fucking even be born or would fucking kill myself and the age of whatever the fuck when you start drinking water on your own or something. i don't know. this is fucking maddening. i am really fucking full. at this point to amount of vent of any other bullshit is helping me to recuperate. no matter what the fuck i am doing. holy fucking shit. and i am so hard put to it that i don't even have a way to fucking /quit. not that it matters, i am not psychologically ready for suicide, so far only fantasizing. holy fucking shit. i guess it's all for now, don't have much to add. i was coping my best for the entire day. i fucking don't have a track of time. i hardly can tell when was the morning and what was the difference when it became evening. just a fucking continuous stripe of thick sticky suffering. just fucking too much. fuck it. holy fucking shit. just fuck it all. let this all fucking burn in the fucking hell for it deserves. and then i look around the internet and all hoards of those fuckers happy with their lives. fucking shit. just fucking end me already. but noo. you've got a special load of suffering for the likes of me. if i had a chance to kill the fucking god holy shit i would take it.
>>284940
this. But don't over take them or their effects won't work.
its a wonder drug. and thats no exaggeration.
adderall and vyvanse. cure to no energy and over eating.
this. But don't over take them or their effects won't work.
its a wonder drug. and thats no exaggeration.
adderall and vyvanse. cure to no energy and over eating.
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>>284947
Use it to form a habit for your productive work.
Don't like doing something?
Take stimulants - do thing - thing is fun for 6 hours straight - keep doing thing out of habit on sober days.
"Willpower" is for dumbasses, might as well build without nails or a hammer.
Use it to form a habit for your productive work.
Don't like doing something?
Take stimulants - do thing - thing is fun for 6 hours straight - keep doing thing out of habit on sober days.
"Willpower" is for dumbasses, might as well build without nails or a hammer.
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Solipsism syndrome is a bitch.
>>284940
Stimulants eventually stop working. You can build tolerance to them like any other drug. Ritalin worked for me until It didn't.
Stimulants eventually stop working. You can build tolerance to them like any other drug. Ritalin worked for me until It didn't.
you fucking bereave me. you have taken away every single thing i enjoyed. you've locked me down eye to eye with myself and did it in such a way as to only multiply my agony. you've always set it up in a way i don't have any single advantage, any single way to fight back. everything i thought i cherished is fucking broken now, taken away by you. this is so fucking vile. and you know i'm not the type of a person to easily break down and collapse crying. you want to fucking crush me but that only fills me with hate. so much fucking hate toward everything, everyone. i won't live to break the chains but if i did i would never fucking enjoy life anymore ever. i've sunk, you fucking drowned me. the way i see others and the way i hate them. yes i always scorned almost everyone i knew. now this is no scorn, this is pure hatred. i would just gladly watch them die in agony and shrug it off afterwards. i literally feel my mind crumbling bit by bit turning myself into that kind of people who are just delusional with their unending hate directed and every single atom of the universe. i can't fucking imagine what would i do if it wasn't for wizchan. i would fucking go crazy. it is hellishly hard to remain soulless untouchable monster when you're so terribly lost within yourself. it is so easy when you have a road ahead of you that's meaningful to walk. when there isn't anything but madness and despair it is mind shuttering. and keep doing it. again and again. you toss and pitch me as a toy, seeking for an opening and enjoying breaking through it and delightfully watching me mentally bleed. it almost feels like i'm bleeding physically. you are such a fucking piece of shit. you know, you know i'm a fucking corpse. my demise is granted and fucking obvious anyway. why can't i just fucking die. why do i have to swallow down all of the suffering beforehand? what's the fucking point? my keyboard my enemy, true enough, but i honestly don't care anymore. not today. what's the fucking point anyway. it's all nonsense, agony of a dying. right know i'm envying really bad the people who are just death struck on the spot and are done with this all. it so much easier this way. i feel fucking overwhelmed with shit.
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I skipped my medication (prozac) today for the first time in a while cause I overslept and I feel on the edge of having depressive/suicidal thoughts.
I find it sad I'm just a pill away to feel similar or how I was before beginning treatment.
I find it sad I'm just a pill away to feel similar or how I was before beginning treatment.
Hey, did you know that my cousins and I tried to get into LARPing over twenty years ago? Yeah, I think it was called Amtgard or something. It was pretty neat, but I guess I just wasn't as fit as my cousins were.
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I was watching a PBS documentary on white supremacy in the US and I noticed that they showed someone holding up a picture of a cartoon Battletoad for a second or two.
I felt general indifference but also the activation of a neuron.
I felt general indifference but also the activation of a neuron.
>>284959
did you go for meets (don't know what the right term would be) or just played it with each other
did you go for meets (don't know what the right term would be) or just played it with each other
>>284961
Yeah at a nearby park there would be like a few dozen kids that would gather every Saturday I think and they even brought in a small mobile castle and everything. But I got hit in the bladder pretty hard once and I couldn't pee nor poo for a few days after that.
Yeah at a nearby park there would be like a few dozen kids that would gather every Saturday I think and they even brought in a small mobile castle and everything. But I got hit in the bladder pretty hard once and I couldn't pee nor poo for a few days after that.
Voices in my head are now doing this thing in which they pretend to know something about Catholicism that, despite me having gone through that whole First Communion and Confirmation thing over 15 to 20 years ago; I never truly learned.
They pretend as if it's something so self-evident–that everyone should have converted to Catholicism by now.
They pretend as if it's something so self-evident–that everyone should have converted to Catholicism by now.
The sky's color changes into a darker shade of blue so quickly after sunset. I believe they refer to this phase as "nautical twilight". It has perhaps been my least favorite part of the day for about 17 years.
It's disturbing how these hallucinations have basically summarized my 30+ years of life over the course of these past 4 years.
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THIS BED OF MINE GLOWS WITH AN AWESOME POWER! ITS MYSTERIOUS LUMPINESS TELLS ME TO AWAKEN TOMORROW WITH INTENSE BODILY DISCOMFORT!
>>284918
I believe there is something liek a God but it is something that we cannot comprehend. Not now,at least. Hundreds of years in the future science may find something that hints at this existence of God but it'll probably call it something like background energy or whatever. Many years later humans may find a way to harness it and then we will all be Gods. Then we will all wake up from this incubator that is our universe and live our single collective life as a new god, or wtfever we choose to call it by then.
I believe there is something liek a God but it is something that we cannot comprehend. Not now,at least. Hundreds of years in the future science may find something that hints at this existence of God but it'll probably call it something like background energy or whatever. Many years later humans may find a way to harness it and then we will all be Gods. Then we will all wake up from this incubator that is our universe and live our single collective life as a new god, or wtfever we choose to call it by then.
I funking hate the "someone cares about you", i hate being cared or ever being knowed of my existence.
Why someone would care about a subhuman as me? Why i should care about the mistakes they made when giving birth to me and keeping this cockroach in their house?, i don't like being cared, i don't like existing and i just want to end the life. The last thing I want is more problems and chains that tie me to this universe that i only despise.
Why someone would care about a subhuman as me? Why i should care about the mistakes they made when giving birth to me and keeping this cockroach in their house?, i don't like being cared, i don't like existing and i just want to end the life. The last thing I want is more problems and chains that tie me to this universe that i only despise.
Suicide is right for some people
No matter how much I recover from depression
Suicide is the true escape
No matter how much I recover from depression
Suicide is the true escape
i am fucking undone. this is fucking ridiculous. i am a fucking hollow husk now. i feel so fucked.
Nolan: I mek destroyer of world kino
2023: Reeeee, 2 reel. We need moar capekino, not bummer history lesson
Anno: K, I mek tokusatsu capekino. Iz fun and i wirked hard on it.
2023: Fak u, Shinji, dark knight director ftw!
2023: Reeeee, 2 reel. We need moar capekino, not bummer history lesson
Anno: K, I mek tokusatsu capekino. Iz fun and i wirked hard on it.
2023: Fak u, Shinji, dark knight director ftw!
How can people say they "look forward" to getting old? I'm not being facetious. How can you really say that and not be sarcastic?
>>284998
Probably the only part to getting old I ever looked forward to is losing my baby face.
Probably the only part to getting old I ever looked forward to is losing my baby face.
i feel physically shit. nauseous or something. i don't even want it. just happens.
>>285000
literally hasn't seen anyone who'd tell me this. i've only talked maybe to a less than hundred of people in my life, however. i remember long ago when i was a kid other kids were keen to grow up. i was also eager to grow up to do things that were "forbidden". what a fucking fool i was. i should have killed myself after enjoying the first few happy years of my life. and even then i am sure they were happy. i have never had any meaningful relationships with anyone. and that bullies did their job superbly. they didn't bully me. they just harassed me exactly the right amount to not cause any damage but to trigger my autism to its fullest. perhaps my only happy years were in the kindergarten. after that i should have jumped of a tree head first.
>>285000
literally hasn't seen anyone who'd tell me this. i've only talked maybe to a less than hundred of people in my life, however. i remember long ago when i was a kid other kids were keen to grow up. i was also eager to grow up to do things that were "forbidden". what a fucking fool i was. i should have killed myself after enjoying the first few happy years of my life. and even then i am sure they were happy. i have never had any meaningful relationships with anyone. and that bullies did their job superbly. they didn't bully me. they just harassed me exactly the right amount to not cause any damage but to trigger my autism to its fullest. perhaps my only happy years were in the kindergarten. after that i should have jumped of a tree head first.
i feel physically shit. nauseous or something. i don't even want it. just happens.
>>285000
literally hasn't seen anyone who'd tell me this. i've only talked maybe to a less than hundred of people in my life, however. i remember long ago when i was a kid other kids were keen to grow up. i was also eager to grow up to do things that were "forbidden". what a fucking fool i was. i should have killed myself after enjoying the first few happy years of my life. and even then i am sure they were happy. i have never had any meaningful relationships with anyone. and that bullies did their job superbly. they didn't bully me. they just harassed me exactly the right amount to not cause any damage but to trigger my autism to its fullest. perhaps my only happy years were in the kindergarten. after that i should have jumped off a tree head first.
>>285000
literally hasn't seen anyone who'd tell me this. i've only talked maybe to a less than hundred of people in my life, however. i remember long ago when i was a kid other kids were keen to grow up. i was also eager to grow up to do things that were "forbidden". what a fucking fool i was. i should have killed myself after enjoying the first few happy years of my life. and even then i am sure they were happy. i have never had any meaningful relationships with anyone. and that bullies did their job superbly. they didn't bully me. they just harassed me exactly the right amount to not cause any damage but to trigger my autism to its fullest. perhaps my only happy years were in the kindergarten. after that i should have jumped off a tree head first.
i feel physically shit. nauseous or something. i don't even want it. just happens.
>>285000
literally hasn't seen anyone who'd tell me this. i've only talked maybe to a less than hundred of people in my life, however. i remember long ago when i was a kid other kids were keen to grow up. i was also eager to grow up to do things that were "forbidden". what a fucking fool i was. i should have killed myself after enjoying the first few happy years of my life. and even then i am not sure they were happy. i have never had any meaningful relationships with anyone. and those bullies did their job superbly. they didn't bully me. they just harassed me exactly the right amount to not cause any damage but to trigger my autism to its fullest. i it wasn't for that one guy who was even more awkward than me i would be their top priority target, guess i should be thankful to him. perhaps my only happy years were in the kindergarten. after that i should have jumped off a tree head first.
>>285000
literally hasn't seen anyone who'd tell me this. i've only talked maybe to a less than hundred of people in my life, however. i remember long ago when i was a kid other kids were keen to grow up. i was also eager to grow up to do things that were "forbidden". what a fucking fool i was. i should have killed myself after enjoying the first few happy years of my life. and even then i am not sure they were happy. i have never had any meaningful relationships with anyone. and those bullies did their job superbly. they didn't bully me. they just harassed me exactly the right amount to not cause any damage but to trigger my autism to its fullest. i it wasn't for that one guy who was even more awkward than me i would be their top priority target, guess i should be thankful to him. perhaps my only happy years were in the kindergarten. after that i should have jumped off a tree head first.
the first two may be deleted i don't know why i posted it three times. can't dispel because stupid mobile phone.
I was watching a documentary about space the other day and I was like, "why am I watching this? They basically just restate the facts but with better CGI with every new documentary they make. What are they gonna' tell me about Venus? That its surface is as hot as the inside of a furnace? Like somewhere in between 300 to 900 degrees Fahrenheit? What else? How long the days on Venus are? Yeah, I'm probably gonna' forget the exact length before this day is over. It's sad when I think about. When I was like 8 years old; I would've eaten this shit up as if it were Star Wars. But why, though? I'm 34 years old and I never became an astronomer! Nor do I think I would want to be one."
>>285000
I think you're too high minded about them. I think they don't even think *that*. In fact, I don't think they have any thought into it at all. They're optimists to a fault. That life may turn on you like a vicious animal and tear you to pieces at any moment never enters their mind. They are unaware and coddled to the fragility of their position.
I think you're too high minded about them. I think they don't even think *that*. In fact, I don't think they have any thought into it at all. They're optimists to a fault. That life may turn on you like a vicious animal and tear you to pieces at any moment never enters their mind. They are unaware and coddled to the fragility of their position.
>>285010
technically what I said is grammatically incorrect. I meant to say they are "Unaware and too coddled to understand the fragility of their position"
technically what I said is grammatically incorrect. I meant to say they are "Unaware and too coddled to understand the fragility of their position"
I think i've jumped several timelines into this..abomination of a world. The first time i died, i jumped to a reality where i live. I died there. I died. I'm dead. Alive. You never die. Never.
>>285016
life is depressingly weird, we are born and then eventually die no matter what? what was the point of all of this mess?
life is depressingly weird, we are born and then eventually die no matter what? what was the point of all of this mess?
>>285017
Some normalfags play their normalfag games and feel good about themselves. Others, suffer. It's truly uninspirational. The only way out is to worship something.
Some normalfags play their normalfag games and feel good about themselves. Others, suffer. It's truly uninspirational. The only way out is to worship something.
So a couple weeks ago I woke up one morning to an odd epiphany, and I've pondered on it a bit here and there since then, and it's basically this: Despite the complexities of certain systems and institutions, as well as the frustrations that come with dealing with normalfags and daily-life in general, life is actually fairly boring. Maybe I'm just coming too close to entering a state of complete anhedonia, but when life is broken down to it's most basic components, it's really pretty dull. I don't mean this to come across as some sort of nihilistic 'nothing matters' kind of post, it's simply that my life has been so uneventful, and the world we live in is relatively shitty and has been so consistently rotten over the last century or so (this of course varies depending on where you are in the world) that I seem to have lost nearly all interest that I have in living. Now I find myself in that odd purgatory of the mind, where I no longer wish to live, but actively ending my life seems like too much of a hassle, so I just sort of exist because don't care enough to do much else.
By this point I'm basically on autopilot randomly carrying out goals that I set out to do like going to the airport by myself because I'd been wanting to go there alone since 2006 when I went to Mexico with my mother.
Just walk around.
Just walk around.
>>285020
It feels like you need to become a mindful monk to enjoy life because even the most exciting fun jobs have a lot of downtime. All these cool things we see on the internet from all around the world are fruits of a lot of labor. A cool painting you finish looking at in a few seconds took a day or more to draw. Some projects took months, years to finish. Idk how you can enjoy life with ADHD-like tendencies without being a hyper normie thrillseeker. Being ADHD and socially withdrawn feels like a horrible combination.
It feels like you need to become a mindful monk to enjoy life because even the most exciting fun jobs have a lot of downtime. All these cool things we see on the internet from all around the world are fruits of a lot of labor. A cool painting you finish looking at in a few seconds took a day or more to draw. Some projects took months, years to finish. Idk how you can enjoy life with ADHD-like tendencies without being a hyper normie thrillseeker. Being ADHD and socially withdrawn feels like a horrible combination.
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i know it's not /sg/ but the thread's dead so i'm asking here;
how good of a method is pic related?
i'm planning on numbing my arms then cut vertically at my wrists and then take a warm bath. good? i need an answer fast
i don't give ashit if it hurts i wanna know how effective it is.
how good of a method is pic related?
i'm planning on numbing my arms then cut vertically at my wrists and then take a warm bath. good? i need an answer fast
i don't give ashit if it hurts i wanna know how effective it is.
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>get drunk
>watch old Soviet sci fi movies
They depict a future that never came, and I just feel it's beautiful when I'm in this sort of mood. That sort of naive optimism of what's to come. The cheesy 60s era special effects even though it was made in the 80s. All those jaded adults working on the props to keep the illusion of communism alive for the kids watching the serials after school. Keeping that magic in the world.
And it worked too, because the comments sections are filled with cyrillic script responses from Babushkas and Vatniks talking about the nostalgia they feel for the world that never came.
It's sort of a drunk feel, but I love "lost futures", futures that never came true. Contrasting it with the Russian experience of the 90s just a few years later makes it feel really morbid. But I get drunk and just get lost in a "what if". What if the naive fantasies these old movies depict come true.
Sorry if I'm rambling, still really drunk.
>watch old Soviet sci fi movies
They depict a future that never came, and I just feel it's beautiful when I'm in this sort of mood. That sort of naive optimism of what's to come. The cheesy 60s era special effects even though it was made in the 80s. All those jaded adults working on the props to keep the illusion of communism alive for the kids watching the serials after school. Keeping that magic in the world.
And it worked too, because the comments sections are filled with cyrillic script responses from Babushkas and Vatniks talking about the nostalgia they feel for the world that never came.
It's sort of a drunk feel, but I love "lost futures", futures that never came true. Contrasting it with the Russian experience of the 90s just a few years later makes it feel really morbid. But I get drunk and just get lost in a "what if". What if the naive fantasies these old movies depict come true.
Sorry if I'm rambling, still really drunk.
>>285016
this is highly relatable as well. demiurge is not letting us escape this hell of his.
this is highly relatable as well. demiurge is not letting us escape this hell of his.
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>>285031
It's been 23 years since the millenium, I was alive to experience that weird optimism.
It's been 23 years since the millenium, I was alive to experience that weird optimism.
Didn't sleep at all last night. It's quite disheartening to see the sun come up when you're still trying to fall asleep.
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I'm going back to hell it seems, oh boy.
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I feel so incapable of connection with others. Why am I so fucked like this? Why can’t I just be a fucking normalfaggot and get on with this awful existence. I hate everyone, and I hate myself for hating them.
I fear I might have more problems overcoming this than usual if indeed it's not going to haunt me to the end of days since I am ultra insecure right now. Usually I had an excuse for dismissing misery. Now I don't have any. I just feel fucking awful. This didn't have to happen. This DIDN'T HAVE to happen. This is fucking heinous. I don't see a cope waving to me somewhere on the horizon. I don't see anything except unending gloom in front of me. I struggle to find words.
>>285029
very ineffective, slitting your wrists is borderline succubus attention-seeking way of doing the deed. unless your goal is to survive as a sort of gesture, wrist slitting should be used as a backup method to a more effective method, so basically it acts as a fail-safe.
very ineffective, slitting your wrists is borderline succubus attention-seeking way of doing the deed. unless your goal is to survive as a sort of gesture, wrist slitting should be used as a backup method to a more effective method, so basically it acts as a fail-safe.
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mother's such a crazy bitch i hate her. i hate myself. i hate this stupid goddamn job market.
i can't have any goddamn privacy. she's always calling for me and trying to talk. she never talks about anything interesting. shut up you fucking bitch shut the fuck up shut your goddamn mouth
i can't have any goddamn privacy. she's always calling for me and trying to talk. she never talks about anything interesting. shut up you fucking bitch shut the fuck up shut your goddamn mouth
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WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP ON KILLING EACH OTHER
STOP KILLING EACH OTHER, YOU IDIOTS!
STOP KILLING EACH OTHER, YOU IDIOTS!
Now it's starting to feel as if the Universe never actually wanted me to do anything with my life during my twenties. Like it just wanted tifbhhggvdsssdfghkjgfvjkkgfbnj
and now im 34
and now im 34
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>35 degrees today
This weather makes me fucking suicidal.
This weather makes me fucking suicidal.
glad that you found a way out.
i for one still feel utterly broken. i really can't recover. mostly because and this point i fail to see any reason to keep struggling. it is really hard when good things are constantly taken away and you are left in a complete unpenetrable darkness. holy fucking shit.
i for one still feel utterly broken. i really can't recover. mostly because and this point i fail to see any reason to keep struggling. it is really hard when good things are constantly taken away and you are left in a complete unpenetrable darkness. holy fucking shit.
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Sorry.
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