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Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.
Previous: >>285150
Previous: >>285150
it either requires too much dedication or too much socialization or too much luck. this way the only viable option left for me is suicide. i really just do not want to take any more of it. since i am not going to have life anyway ever, what is the point of bothering? i just can not understand. i have never seen much worth in life but then i at least had hopes similar to that of i'm-sorry-kun (see previous thread, i.e. near the end), now that i do not have any illusions about the future i simply fail to see any reasons to keep struggling. i have developed disgust and hatred towards people and their values and i know it's going to be wiz me forever rendering me unable to experience any possible goodness because i know better than that. after seeing the other side of the coin you either become a hedonist sociopath or you become a whatever the fuck it's called. i became second. i have no desire to walk over other people to get a good life. just fuck it. there is nothing life can offer. fuck this shit.
People who commit suicide don't kill themselves, they are murdered by a society that refuse to provide a place for them.
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What a disgusting fucking day.
it seems the more bitter and hateful someone is the more wizard they are
normies flinch and recoil at the thoughts of someone being bitter and hateful because they can't relate
normies flinch and recoil at the thoughts of someone being bitter and hateful because they can't relate
>>286051
sounds like a pathetic attempt to try to pretend it's a good thing to be bitter and resentful. Crabs are bitter and resentful. Healthy wizards are not, and as an individual you should prefer to get to that state
sounds like a pathetic attempt to try to pretend it's a good thing to be bitter and resentful. Crabs are bitter and resentful. Healthy wizards are not, and as an individual you should prefer to get to that state
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I want to find out if what I believe in is real or just an illusion. I believe in very nice things, I can't describe them in words, but I believe, and I have a lot of dreams, I want to realize them. I feel so many things inside me, I feel like it's a whole galaxy of things inside me, I dream of so many things, and I believe I could be so free and happy. I want to find out how much truth there's to this. It's really sad and frustrating and it hurts so much, I just want to draw, I just wish I had a good drawing tablet and a computer to support it and the software but I'm poor even by third world standards. I wish I had gone to an university and studied mathematics and computer science but my youth was hell and I didn't get to make my own choices and I was just made into a clown. I'm not sure because I'm just retard retard, but I think I'm interested in the intersection between math and cs, things like cryptography, foundations, logic, theory of computation, complexity theory, algebra in general, and such, but anything about mathematics and computer science and even physics and philosophy is interesting to me so I might change my focus. But I haven't even started yet. My life is a mess and there are a lot of problems I have to fix first and it will take forever.
I don't know, I don't know how to explain what I am and what I feel and why I'm here making this post. I think I have a speech or language impairment or something, I really don't know how to communicate, maybe I just didn't properly learn English? Or maybe the language part of my brain is broke. I don't know what I come off as to normal people, but I guess it's like very, very obnoxious and self important and narcisistic and subhuman and monkeyish and unimportant and all the bad things. I think what I want to say is impossible to be translated into simple words, I think I could only show it through works and actions and such.
I really hate this, I just want to draw a lot of nice things and implement my ideas and I want to learn and master math and computer science and maybe even music but I just lost my life, I'm a slave or a puppet, living in a hell, abyss or prison.
I wish I had a lot of free time to dedicate to these things, and not care about anything else. If I could reincarnate again, if I could be born again, no matter how many lives I had, I would never have a girlfriend or friends or a family or a respectable carreer, never, because I don't want to, I want to dedicate myself to what I believe is important and dedicate myself to reaching greater heights, nothing else matters, I wish I could devote every picosecond and every atom of my being to those things. If I could have started when I was very little, I think I could have gone relatively far. But now it seems like it's not realistic anymore to achieve the sort of level and standards that I dreamed of. I think it should still be possible somehow, I want to try at least.
Sorry. I'll try to keep at most one post per thread from now on. I want to stop posting but I think I'll fail so I have to talk about it but if I talk about if I can't try but if I try there's no guarantee I'll succeed and I'll probably fail.
I don't know what's the point in typing this, no one is going to read any of this anyway, and even if someone reads this it doesn't help my situation. I've said the same thing over a million times. It's just that it hurts a lot, you have no idea how much pain I feel, and the mess that I am internally, it's just that there were things I really, really wanted to do, wanted to achieve, and I don't know, feeling like you could have been the happiest person on the planet and you could have been free but you lost your life and now you're going to die and everyone thinks you're just an obnoxious subhuman garbage and you never got to be your true self and show what you really are because you were born in a prison and you've been made into a puppet. I'm desperate. I don't know, I just want to be a good person, and be the best possible, I believe in certain things, and I can't describe what I believe in in words, but I believe, and I think I'm not like this, I think I can be different, maybe I'm different, and always have been, but I've been given a really messy life and it seems I can't escape it. I wish so much I had another life, I wish so much I could reincarnate, so I can try all the things I wanted to try. I don't know, I believe in God very much, and all that matters is being closer to God. I don't know if I'm Christian, maybe it's like, my own personal religion, I don't know. I'm just desperate.
It hurts. I'll never even get to express myself. I keep trying to but I can't. I feel like an alien or a monster. Like I'm on a different wavelenght than everyone else. I'm genuinely retarded, like very low IQ, but honest to God I think I could have done things, at least I wanted to try and see how far I can go, but I wasn't even allowed to try. I don't know, this really hurts, and it's impossible to communicate it, but I think I can't be understood, I'm just too different, I'm an animal or a beast, just a freak, someone who wasn't meant to be born, a bug. I'm going to die without even being able to communicate. I'm just going to disappear into the void like I never existed. But I existed and I was here. I wanted to try. I just loved math and cs and drawing but never got to. I'm a ghost, I'm invisible. I'm a shadow at best. I feel sinking. I don't want it to end like this. I'm going to stop caring and just do it. It's just symbolic effort at this point but it still makes me a little happy. I'll embrace the void and try and not look back and try what I think I'm supposed to do even though I think it's pointless now. Sorry for making a post. I don't know what's the character limit. I'm just obnoxious and no one should have to look at me or read what I type, I should just fuck off, I just pollute the internet.
I don't know, I don't know how to explain what I am and what I feel and why I'm here making this post. I think I have a speech or language impairment or something, I really don't know how to communicate, maybe I just didn't properly learn English? Or maybe the language part of my brain is broke. I don't know what I come off as to normal people, but I guess it's like very, very obnoxious and self important and narcisistic and subhuman and monkeyish and unimportant and all the bad things. I think what I want to say is impossible to be translated into simple words, I think I could only show it through works and actions and such.
I really hate this, I just want to draw a lot of nice things and implement my ideas and I want to learn and master math and computer science and maybe even music but I just lost my life, I'm a slave or a puppet, living in a hell, abyss or prison.
I wish I had a lot of free time to dedicate to these things, and not care about anything else. If I could reincarnate again, if I could be born again, no matter how many lives I had, I would never have a girlfriend or friends or a family or a respectable carreer, never, because I don't want to, I want to dedicate myself to what I believe is important and dedicate myself to reaching greater heights, nothing else matters, I wish I could devote every picosecond and every atom of my being to those things. If I could have started when I was very little, I think I could have gone relatively far. But now it seems like it's not realistic anymore to achieve the sort of level and standards that I dreamed of. I think it should still be possible somehow, I want to try at least.
Sorry. I'll try to keep at most one post per thread from now on. I want to stop posting but I think I'll fail so I have to talk about it but if I talk about if I can't try but if I try there's no guarantee I'll succeed and I'll probably fail.
I don't know what's the point in typing this, no one is going to read any of this anyway, and even if someone reads this it doesn't help my situation. I've said the same thing over a million times. It's just that it hurts a lot, you have no idea how much pain I feel, and the mess that I am internally, it's just that there were things I really, really wanted to do, wanted to achieve, and I don't know, feeling like you could have been the happiest person on the planet and you could have been free but you lost your life and now you're going to die and everyone thinks you're just an obnoxious subhuman garbage and you never got to be your true self and show what you really are because you were born in a prison and you've been made into a puppet. I'm desperate. I don't know, I just want to be a good person, and be the best possible, I believe in certain things, and I can't describe what I believe in in words, but I believe, and I think I'm not like this, I think I can be different, maybe I'm different, and always have been, but I've been given a really messy life and it seems I can't escape it. I wish so much I had another life, I wish so much I could reincarnate, so I can try all the things I wanted to try. I don't know, I believe in God very much, and all that matters is being closer to God. I don't know if I'm Christian, maybe it's like, my own personal religion, I don't know. I'm just desperate.
It hurts. I'll never even get to express myself. I keep trying to but I can't. I feel like an alien or a monster. Like I'm on a different wavelenght than everyone else. I'm genuinely retarded, like very low IQ, but honest to God I think I could have done things, at least I wanted to try and see how far I can go, but I wasn't even allowed to try. I don't know, this really hurts, and it's impossible to communicate it, but I think I can't be understood, I'm just too different, I'm an animal or a beast, just a freak, someone who wasn't meant to be born, a bug. I'm going to die without even being able to communicate. I'm just going to disappear into the void like I never existed. But I existed and I was here. I wanted to try. I just loved math and cs and drawing but never got to. I'm a ghost, I'm invisible. I'm a shadow at best. I feel sinking. I don't want it to end like this. I'm going to stop caring and just do it. It's just symbolic effort at this point but it still makes me a little happy. I'll embrace the void and try and not look back and try what I think I'm supposed to do even though I think it's pointless now. Sorry for making a post. I don't know what's the character limit. I'm just obnoxious and no one should have to look at me or read what I type, I should just fuck off, I just pollute the internet.
>>286058
>Healthy wizards are not
are you gaslighting me
honestly what the fuck
have you ever suffered? no, have you ever *actually* suffered? if not, just fuck off please. hatred is the only possible response when the world fucks you up this much. fuck off. fuck off. fuck off.
>>286062
>I want to stop posting but I think I'll fail
Most likely. On the other hand I fail to see why you should stop posting. Trust me you will not get much better if stop. It will reveal you a thing or two about yourself, but the overall mental state will remain equally messed. So you can just keep posting for in this thread nobody cares.
>Healthy wizards are not
are you gaslighting me
honestly what the fuck
have you ever suffered? no, have you ever *actually* suffered? if not, just fuck off please. hatred is the only possible response when the world fucks you up this much. fuck off. fuck off. fuck off.
>>286062
>I want to stop posting but I think I'll fail
Most likely. On the other hand I fail to see why you should stop posting. Trust me you will not get much better if stop. It will reveal you a thing or two about yourself, but the overall mental state will remain equally messed. So you can just keep posting for in this thread nobody cares.
If you hadn't convinced me I should move back in and start a "nest egg" I probably wouldn't be here. Which retard told me it was a stupid idea to move into another, larger city to get a job? I had ~7k at the time and this state is cheap – I could've done it, probably. I would've struggled but I would've been alone and you wouldn't have had me here. It was you, right? And now you scream at me all the time to MOVE if I can't stand your cruelty and nitpicking, when you know I don't have the money anymore.
Which liar said, "I'll take you to work, just get something close to home." It was you, yeah? Now you're bitching about the possibility? And I'm, paradoxically, somehow insane and lazy for going "I can't apply for a job two hours away, I won't even bother to, neither of us can afford a commute like that, and most of the jobs in this state are in cities I can't reach"?
And should I call these companies that we CAN reach and tell them to lower their standards? What else can I do but apply online. What else is there for me but the computer. There's nothing to fucking do in this shithole town, nowhere to go, I don't have a car, the city is 30 minutes away even if I did. What would I do once I got there?
You tell me to apply, apply, apply – how can I do that? I can't even find jobs to APPLY APPLY APPLY for. I've sent you proof of this. How is it my fault? It's like you just want me to be miserable in the warehouse or at McDonalds. You take some weird joy in it, because you too are a fucking useless loser that went nowhere and will go nowhere. But what did I even go to university for if it was going to be like this?
If this job I'm looking at works out – I pray with everything I have that it does – I'm moving out as soon as I can afford a month's worth of rent. I hate my weird, mentally ill mother. Brief list of lovely things she does that I haven't even pointed out or complained over:
>Doesn't flush when she uses the restroom
>Can't replace the trash bucket in the restroom, so she just leaves her tissue paper covered in piss and shit everywhere
>Comes into my room to ramble on about nothing, make fart jokes, and whine when I try to focus on anything else but her
>Screams at me from halfway across the house to bring her water or come watch some dumb TikTok video
>Spit shines after I clean then whines about me never doing anything
>Whines at me for not cleaning her up messes (how am I responsible for your filth when I spend 99% of my time in my room?)
>Hears and sees things
>Talks shit about everything with a pulse and gets pissed at me for not caring
>Turns into a cat in heat whenever a man gives her the slightest bit of attention
Which liar said, "I'll take you to work, just get something close to home." It was you, yeah? Now you're bitching about the possibility? And I'm, paradoxically, somehow insane and lazy for going "I can't apply for a job two hours away, I won't even bother to, neither of us can afford a commute like that, and most of the jobs in this state are in cities I can't reach"?
And should I call these companies that we CAN reach and tell them to lower their standards? What else can I do but apply online. What else is there for me but the computer. There's nothing to fucking do in this shithole town, nowhere to go, I don't have a car, the city is 30 minutes away even if I did. What would I do once I got there?
You tell me to apply, apply, apply – how can I do that? I can't even find jobs to APPLY APPLY APPLY for. I've sent you proof of this. How is it my fault? It's like you just want me to be miserable in the warehouse or at McDonalds. You take some weird joy in it, because you too are a fucking useless loser that went nowhere and will go nowhere. But what did I even go to university for if it was going to be like this?
If this job I'm looking at works out – I pray with everything I have that it does – I'm moving out as soon as I can afford a month's worth of rent. I hate my weird, mentally ill mother. Brief list of lovely things she does that I haven't even pointed out or complained over:
>Doesn't flush when she uses the restroom
>Can't replace the trash bucket in the restroom, so she just leaves her tissue paper covered in piss and shit everywhere
>Comes into my room to ramble on about nothing, make fart jokes, and whine when I try to focus on anything else but her
>Screams at me from halfway across the house to bring her water or come watch some dumb TikTok video
>Spit shines after I clean then whines about me never doing anything
>Whines at me for not cleaning her up messes (how am I responsible for your filth when I spend 99% of my time in my room?)
>Hears and sees things
>Talks shit about everything with a pulse and gets pissed at me for not caring
>Turns into a cat in heat whenever a man gives her the slightest bit of attention
>>286066
Stop blaming others for your own decisions. If you listen to bad advice you only have yourself to blame. As a wizard you must retain the courage to make all the decisions that you personally believe are best no matter the things others say to you. You know best, they don't understand. Never allow yourself to subordinate your own actions to another. This has been a hard learned lesson for me and one that is difficult to follow but it's just weak shit to start blaming someone else when something you chose to do doesn't work out for you. You took this route likely because it was the easiest and safest, lowest risk option, don't delude yourself about your own culpability.
Stop blaming others for your own decisions. If you listen to bad advice you only have yourself to blame. As a wizard you must retain the courage to make all the decisions that you personally believe are best no matter the things others say to you. You know best, they don't understand. Never allow yourself to subordinate your own actions to another. This has been a hard learned lesson for me and one that is difficult to follow but it's just weak shit to start blaming someone else when something you chose to do doesn't work out for you. You took this route likely because it was the easiest and safest, lowest risk option, don't delude yourself about your own culpability.
Not sure how to progress forward. I have every symptom of Schizoid personality disorder. Just zero motivation and no desire to have social relations. It would be easy for me to become homeless because nothing makes get into motion. I'll do nothing for as long as possible
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>>286064
I don't know. I just said I'd only make one post per thread. But if nobody cares then it's ok I guess.
I don't know. I feel so much pain. I just want to draw. I want to learn and master math, cs and music. I just wish I had a good drawing tablet and a lot of books and a lot of free time to learn all the things I want. That's all. Because I think there's something inside me and I think I could use it through these things. Just because I really love these things, nothing else. I don't know, I just like dreaming and I want to realize my dreams.
I've been left behind, God abandoned me, but I still believe it, I think I can still do it, I want to try at least, I don't care if everyone else hates me or thinks I'm someone different from what I really am, I don't know, I just want to draw, do math and cs, and music.
I swear I see so many posts of people saying that they don't care about anything and they don't want to do anything and they feel empty, for me it's the complete opposite, I want to do so many things, I have so many ideas, infinite projects I want to complete, so many things I want to learn, but I'm in a prison, you have everything you had all the opportunities but you wasted them because you choose to, if only I had one thousandth of what everyone else has, if I had only a tiny fraction of the easy start everyone else had at life, I could do so much.
I hate this, I hate this, I hate this. I just want to draw and master math and cs and music. I want to draw so much. Honestly I wish I could live forever, I wish I could exist forever, because there's just so many things I want to draw, and so many things I want to learn, and there are so many ways I like to think I could contribute and be useful. I think maybe I'm overly ambitious and maybe it's physically impossible to do all the things I wanted to do, and get as good at these things as I want to get, but I think I have it in me, and if I had enough time, I could do so many things. I have extremely high standards and am hyper perfectionistic, I want to be very good and actually contribute, or I don't know, maybe I don't care about the "contributing" stuff, I just enjoy these things and don't care about anything else. I just want to improve and improve and get better and better and learn more things and master more things and make more things and write a lot and keep going forever, be really capricornian and climb forever higher and higher, that's freedom for me. God please, God please, God I implore you, please, please, please, please, let me draw and let me learn a lot of math and cs. I wish so much I had a time machine so I could have gotten into these things when I was little, I wish I could have changed my youth, I was weak and they broke me, they turned me into something I'm not, I lost my youth, I was in some dissociative state of semi-comma, I don't know. I'm desperate. Please God, please wait for me, please don't abandon me, just give me a chance. I just want to draw and learn math and cs and music. I want to realize my dreams. I was always like this, I always felt very different, but they broke me. I don't know, I hate this feeling, like I'm so close but so far from heaven. I just wanted to make my own choices during my youth. I really wish I had gone to an university and I wanted to know a lot of things and write a lot and contribute a lot, I forgot to mention I also like number theory and combinatorics and such fields.
Sorry. It's an incoherent schizo word salad. Nonsense. There are so many things I want to say because I think I'll die without achieving any of my dreams so at least I have to talk about it but it's impossible to translate my dreams into words, I wish I could just achieve them and show what I mean. I'm insane, mad, I'm very bad, obnoxious, monkey, freak, subhuman, annoying, filth, unimportant, nobody cares, sorry. But I feel so much pain. I feel a longing so great. It really hurts. I think I'm going to die without doing any of the things I wanted to do. It really hurts. I just love math and cs and drawing and music and such things. And there are just so many things I want to learn and master and achieve a very high level of excellence and be myself and be free and do a lot of things and reach great heights and go further and further and never look back and keep going forever and ever and live in my own world of dreams and imagination. I'm a freak and can't communicate and nothing I say makes sense to any normal person, I just come off as the lowest creature, I can't communicate, I just don't know how to make a post and not sound like a complete retard cringe chud mentally ill subhuman monkey freak unimportant narcissist. I'm really angry because my life sucks and there are so many things I want to do but I'm in a prison. I love God so much, but God abandoned me. There are many things I wanted to say but I'm probably forgetting them. If only I had a really good drawing tablet and a lot of books and papers to read and enough free time to master everything I want, I would be the happiest person on the planet, and not a quadrillion dollars could buy my happiness.
TLDR I love math, computer science, drawing and music, but I have a bad life.
Sorry for spamming, I know no one reads these things, and I'm just going to get banned for spamming very soon, but I can't hold myself.
I don't know. I just said I'd only make one post per thread. But if nobody cares then it's ok I guess.
I don't know. I feel so much pain. I just want to draw. I want to learn and master math, cs and music. I just wish I had a good drawing tablet and a lot of books and a lot of free time to learn all the things I want. That's all. Because I think there's something inside me and I think I could use it through these things. Just because I really love these things, nothing else. I don't know, I just like dreaming and I want to realize my dreams.
I've been left behind, God abandoned me, but I still believe it, I think I can still do it, I want to try at least, I don't care if everyone else hates me or thinks I'm someone different from what I really am, I don't know, I just want to draw, do math and cs, and music.
I swear I see so many posts of people saying that they don't care about anything and they don't want to do anything and they feel empty, for me it's the complete opposite, I want to do so many things, I have so many ideas, infinite projects I want to complete, so many things I want to learn, but I'm in a prison, you have everything you had all the opportunities but you wasted them because you choose to, if only I had one thousandth of what everyone else has, if I had only a tiny fraction of the easy start everyone else had at life, I could do so much.
I hate this, I hate this, I hate this. I just want to draw and master math and cs and music. I want to draw so much. Honestly I wish I could live forever, I wish I could exist forever, because there's just so many things I want to draw, and so many things I want to learn, and there are so many ways I like to think I could contribute and be useful. I think maybe I'm overly ambitious and maybe it's physically impossible to do all the things I wanted to do, and get as good at these things as I want to get, but I think I have it in me, and if I had enough time, I could do so many things. I have extremely high standards and am hyper perfectionistic, I want to be very good and actually contribute, or I don't know, maybe I don't care about the "contributing" stuff, I just enjoy these things and don't care about anything else. I just want to improve and improve and get better and better and learn more things and master more things and make more things and write a lot and keep going forever, be really capricornian and climb forever higher and higher, that's freedom for me. God please, God please, God I implore you, please, please, please, please, let me draw and let me learn a lot of math and cs. I wish so much I had a time machine so I could have gotten into these things when I was little, I wish I could have changed my youth, I was weak and they broke me, they turned me into something I'm not, I lost my youth, I was in some dissociative state of semi-comma, I don't know. I'm desperate. Please God, please wait for me, please don't abandon me, just give me a chance. I just want to draw and learn math and cs and music. I want to realize my dreams. I was always like this, I always felt very different, but they broke me. I don't know, I hate this feeling, like I'm so close but so far from heaven. I just wanted to make my own choices during my youth. I really wish I had gone to an university and I wanted to know a lot of things and write a lot and contribute a lot, I forgot to mention I also like number theory and combinatorics and such fields.
Sorry. It's an incoherent schizo word salad. Nonsense. There are so many things I want to say because I think I'll die without achieving any of my dreams so at least I have to talk about it but it's impossible to translate my dreams into words, I wish I could just achieve them and show what I mean. I'm insane, mad, I'm very bad, obnoxious, monkey, freak, subhuman, annoying, filth, unimportant, nobody cares, sorry. But I feel so much pain. I feel a longing so great. It really hurts. I think I'm going to die without doing any of the things I wanted to do. It really hurts. I just love math and cs and drawing and music and such things. And there are just so many things I want to learn and master and achieve a very high level of excellence and be myself and be free and do a lot of things and reach great heights and go further and further and never look back and keep going forever and ever and live in my own world of dreams and imagination. I'm a freak and can't communicate and nothing I say makes sense to any normal person, I just come off as the lowest creature, I can't communicate, I just don't know how to make a post and not sound like a complete retard cringe chud mentally ill subhuman monkey freak unimportant narcissist. I'm really angry because my life sucks and there are so many things I want to do but I'm in a prison. I love God so much, but God abandoned me. There are many things I wanted to say but I'm probably forgetting them. If only I had a really good drawing tablet and a lot of books and papers to read and enough free time to master everything I want, I would be the happiest person on the planet, and not a quadrillion dollars could buy my happiness.
TLDR I love math, computer science, drawing and music, but I have a bad life.
Sorry for spamming, I know no one reads these things, and I'm just going to get banned for spamming very soon, but I can't hold myself.
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>>286082
*extremely high standards of myself
Or maybe I don't know if I'm hyper perfectionistic or any of those things, I think I'm just mentally ill and broken, it doesn't matter. And maybe I don't care about getting good or contributing, I just enjoy and would still enjoy even if I were the absolute worst person on the planet at doing these things. I don't know sorry again for posting, please forgive me for being annoying, I promise no more posts itt. I don't know, I'm just going to embrace the void, forget everything I said, it doesn't matter, I don't know, I don't understand anything, I just want to follow my dreams a lot, and I can't tell you what they are. I'm going to start something new.
*extremely high standards of myself
Or maybe I don't know if I'm hyper perfectionistic or any of those things, I think I'm just mentally ill and broken, it doesn't matter. And maybe I don't care about getting good or contributing, I just enjoy and would still enjoy even if I were the absolute worst person on the planet at doing these things. I don't know sorry again for posting, please forgive me for being annoying, I promise no more posts itt. I don't know, I'm just going to embrace the void, forget everything I said, it doesn't matter, I don't know, I don't understand anything, I just want to follow my dreams a lot, and I can't tell you what they are. I'm going to start something new.
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Sorry. I behaved very badly. I have a very bad mental situation.
I'm going to stop talking and focus.
I feel like I'm supposed to say something, I feel like I have very important things to say, but I don't know how to communicate, I just can't find the right words to express myself, and I have to move on. I want to express myself, I think I'm different and my story is different, but it's so different I don't know how to explain it to a normal person. I just have a lot of dreams, there are things I really love doing, things I really want to do, but I can't do these things because I was born into a mess of a life. I want to follow the right path, do what is right, and be closer to God, but I'm in an abysss. I want to be myself, be free, live in my own world and do things my own way, but I'm in a prison.
I just hope I succeed. I love drawing so much. I love mathematics and computer science. And I love music. There are so many things I want to learn and so many things I want to do. I have so many ideas, imagination and creativity. I want to show what I'm really like, I want to prove that what I believe is real, or maybe I don't care, and just enjoy these things a lot, even if I'm not very good at them.
There are so many things I want to say but then the post would be too long again.
Sorry for posting. I'm just going to stop talking and focus from now on. I just hope I succeed and that everything will work out. If it doesn't that sucks, and I'll die like I never existed, and everyone will still think I'm someone I'm not, and I'll never even get to communicate what I mean. I'll just embrace loneliness and focus and do things my way and be myself even if no one is seeing it. I wish so much I could communicate and I wish so much to succeed or at least enjoy the path for as long as possible. I don't know, I want to be very close to God, I want to follow the right path, I want to go up, I want to do what is right and good. I just don't know how to describe how I feel and what I want, it's very embarrassing and private and important to me so I keep going on roundabout ways. I think I could have achieved nice things and contributed and done nice things if my life weren't so bad but it seems it's over and I can't even describe what I mean and describe what I am and what I feel like. I'm going to embrace the void and forsake my humanity and just try my best and not care about anything else even though I have practically zero chances of succeeding. It's like leaving humanity behind and going on a dangerous adventure all alone, knowing you'll certainly die without reaching your destination, and being in an abyss and you really want to get out of there but no one hears you, and everyone has nice lives and you just wish you had the same structure and foundations as them. And you dream of flying, and you feel like a bird in a cage or a bird with clipped wings, and you feel like God is so beautiful and wonderful and perfect and you feel like you love God much more than most people but like God forgot about just you. I don't know, this is the end, I think I'm not going to make another post like this, so I really want to communicate properly, but I just can't. I just wish there were a god or an angel reading this, and I wish you would please give me a chance. I have a very bad life, I think it was supposed to be different, I wanted to do a lot of things, I feel like I have things inside me that no one else has, and this is self-loving and god complex but I feel like it's very rare and precious and I feel very lucky to be like this, this is extremely arrogant and probably wrong but I feel like maybe I'm the only one of my type in the whole world, but I needed outlets for expression but I never had them, I'm just poor and born into a bad family in a bad place in bad conditions and I wasn't strong enough to overcome these challenges, I wish I could try again and succeed next time. I don't know, I'm going to die, I don't want to die, I just want to read a lot of books and papers, draw so much, listen to a lot of music and make a lot of music, I just enjoy these things a lot because they give me mental freedom, it's my gate to the world of ideas and imagination and freedom and creativity and beauty and all the nice things. I'm just going to be quiet and on my own from now on because I understand I have been completely abandoned, apparently people like me are happy in today's world because today there are a lot of artists, musiciains, mathematicians and such, but I don't have the same structure as everyone else, so I was left behind and ended up like this. I'm just going to live my little life, in my little world, I really, really believe in God and love God so much so I will try and I believe I can go as far as I want and I'm going to really mean it and try to go really far and be like a bird flying higher and higher, above even Heaven. It seems I won't go too far because my circumstances but I'll assume it's really possible. Because I really believe it. I believe it so much. And just being able to believe it it makes me feel like I'm so much luckier and happier than almost everyone else on the planet. Sorry. This is the end for me. I'm just going to be very quiet from now on and do things like I think I'm supposed to even if I'm destined to fail and even if no one will see me and even if I can't communicate and even if nobody knows me and everyone thinks I'm just stupid. I just want to draw well, learn a lot of mathematics, computer science, physics and philosophy and write elegant and creative and pure things, and listen to a lot of music and make a lot of good music. Or maybe I'll change my mind and find other things that also make me feel happy and free. I'm sorry for posting again. If I finally remember the thing that I wanted to say I'll just not say it and keep charging into the void. I don't know, it's very scary. I feel like doing a deal with the devil or something like that. I had only this life and there were things I wanted to do so much but I couldn't. It's really, really, scary. It's something very big. I feel like something big is happening inside me and I don't know how to describe it. I was just abandoned and now I'll start something new. I'm kind of free in a way, it's a limited form of freedom, but it's still freedom, it's a type of freedom I'm almost sure practically no one else has ever experienced. But it's very sad because I'm unlikely to achieve any of the things I want to achieve. I'll never get to communicate. I just don't know the words to describe what I'm experiencing.. I wish I could show what I mean and that someone would understand what I mean but it seems impossible through words alone. I just don't know what to say. It's really crazy, bizarre, out of this world, alien. I'm in a hopeless situation and don't know what to do. I'm dying. Sorry. I'll just try moving on from now on. I feel like I'm making a mistake. I hope this is enough.
Sorry.
I'm going to stop talking and focus.
I feel like I'm supposed to say something, I feel like I have very important things to say, but I don't know how to communicate, I just can't find the right words to express myself, and I have to move on. I want to express myself, I think I'm different and my story is different, but it's so different I don't know how to explain it to a normal person. I just have a lot of dreams, there are things I really love doing, things I really want to do, but I can't do these things because I was born into a mess of a life. I want to follow the right path, do what is right, and be closer to God, but I'm in an abysss. I want to be myself, be free, live in my own world and do things my own way, but I'm in a prison.
I just hope I succeed. I love drawing so much. I love mathematics and computer science. And I love music. There are so many things I want to learn and so many things I want to do. I have so many ideas, imagination and creativity. I want to show what I'm really like, I want to prove that what I believe is real, or maybe I don't care, and just enjoy these things a lot, even if I'm not very good at them.
There are so many things I want to say but then the post would be too long again.
Sorry for posting. I'm just going to stop talking and focus from now on. I just hope I succeed and that everything will work out. If it doesn't that sucks, and I'll die like I never existed, and everyone will still think I'm someone I'm not, and I'll never even get to communicate what I mean. I'll just embrace loneliness and focus and do things my way and be myself even if no one is seeing it. I wish so much I could communicate and I wish so much to succeed or at least enjoy the path for as long as possible. I don't know, I want to be very close to God, I want to follow the right path, I want to go up, I want to do what is right and good. I just don't know how to describe how I feel and what I want, it's very embarrassing and private and important to me so I keep going on roundabout ways. I think I could have achieved nice things and contributed and done nice things if my life weren't so bad but it seems it's over and I can't even describe what I mean and describe what I am and what I feel like. I'm going to embrace the void and forsake my humanity and just try my best and not care about anything else even though I have practically zero chances of succeeding. It's like leaving humanity behind and going on a dangerous adventure all alone, knowing you'll certainly die without reaching your destination, and being in an abyss and you really want to get out of there but no one hears you, and everyone has nice lives and you just wish you had the same structure and foundations as them. And you dream of flying, and you feel like a bird in a cage or a bird with clipped wings, and you feel like God is so beautiful and wonderful and perfect and you feel like you love God much more than most people but like God forgot about just you. I don't know, this is the end, I think I'm not going to make another post like this, so I really want to communicate properly, but I just can't. I just wish there were a god or an angel reading this, and I wish you would please give me a chance. I have a very bad life, I think it was supposed to be different, I wanted to do a lot of things, I feel like I have things inside me that no one else has, and this is self-loving and god complex but I feel like it's very rare and precious and I feel very lucky to be like this, this is extremely arrogant and probably wrong but I feel like maybe I'm the only one of my type in the whole world, but I needed outlets for expression but I never had them, I'm just poor and born into a bad family in a bad place in bad conditions and I wasn't strong enough to overcome these challenges, I wish I could try again and succeed next time. I don't know, I'm going to die, I don't want to die, I just want to read a lot of books and papers, draw so much, listen to a lot of music and make a lot of music, I just enjoy these things a lot because they give me mental freedom, it's my gate to the world of ideas and imagination and freedom and creativity and beauty and all the nice things. I'm just going to be quiet and on my own from now on because I understand I have been completely abandoned, apparently people like me are happy in today's world because today there are a lot of artists, musiciains, mathematicians and such, but I don't have the same structure as everyone else, so I was left behind and ended up like this. I'm just going to live my little life, in my little world, I really, really believe in God and love God so much so I will try and I believe I can go as far as I want and I'm going to really mean it and try to go really far and be like a bird flying higher and higher, above even Heaven. It seems I won't go too far because my circumstances but I'll assume it's really possible. Because I really believe it. I believe it so much. And just being able to believe it it makes me feel like I'm so much luckier and happier than almost everyone else on the planet. Sorry. This is the end for me. I'm just going to be very quiet from now on and do things like I think I'm supposed to even if I'm destined to fail and even if no one will see me and even if I can't communicate and even if nobody knows me and everyone thinks I'm just stupid. I just want to draw well, learn a lot of mathematics, computer science, physics and philosophy and write elegant and creative and pure things, and listen to a lot of music and make a lot of good music. Or maybe I'll change my mind and find other things that also make me feel happy and free. I'm sorry for posting again. If I finally remember the thing that I wanted to say I'll just not say it and keep charging into the void. I don't know, it's very scary. I feel like doing a deal with the devil or something like that. I had only this life and there were things I wanted to do so much but I couldn't. It's really, really, scary. It's something very big. I feel like something big is happening inside me and I don't know how to describe it. I was just abandoned and now I'll start something new. I'm kind of free in a way, it's a limited form of freedom, but it's still freedom, it's a type of freedom I'm almost sure practically no one else has ever experienced. But it's very sad because I'm unlikely to achieve any of the things I want to achieve. I'll never get to communicate. I just don't know the words to describe what I'm experiencing.. I wish I could show what I mean and that someone would understand what I mean but it seems impossible through words alone. I just don't know what to say. It's really crazy, bizarre, out of this world, alien. I'm in a hopeless situation and don't know what to do. I'm dying. Sorry. I'll just try moving on from now on. I feel like I'm making a mistake. I hope this is enough.
Sorry.
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Sorry.
>>286079
May be just depression really. It is not like depression is something to be taken lightly. It entails enough of incredible shit believe me.
May be just depression really. It is not like depression is something to be taken lightly. It entails enough of incredible shit believe me.
>>286082
Your posts are long I am sure you spend at least 30-60 minutes writing. You could instead use the time to draw something simple. I know it is very painful when you dream about drawing vivid professional pictures that you could be proud of, but can only draw something crude and meager. But if you keep spending even 10 minutes a day drawing something simple, after a year or two you may find out you have improved visibly.
>>286084
You can as well stop bitching yourself. It is really unlikely anywiz here really thinks that about you.
>>286091
I may sound funny but I start to think that inability to express your inner emotions, feelings, desires is normal. Anyway, you are not alone in your inability to properly communicate what happens inside of you.
Your posts are long I am sure you spend at least 30-60 minutes writing. You could instead use the time to draw something simple. I know it is very painful when you dream about drawing vivid professional pictures that you could be proud of, but can only draw something crude and meager. But if you keep spending even 10 minutes a day drawing something simple, after a year or two you may find out you have improved visibly.
>>286084
You can as well stop bitching yourself. It is really unlikely anywiz here really thinks that about you.
>>286091
I may sound funny but I start to think that inability to express your inner emotions, feelings, desires is normal. Anyway, you are not alone in your inability to properly communicate what happens inside of you.
I thought it was a spot by my eye, but it seems to be some kind of cyst again. I had a big one in my neck that went bright yellow before it exploded in the doctors waiting room, I guess having one right next to my eye is a bit worse. Demiurge has to punish me, he’s been too nice.
i wish i had a gun to shoot myself and be free. i feel so bad about not having access to an easy way to quickly suicide.
i feel so fucking awful i just want to skip it holy fucking shit. i should be happy though. indeed, why not being happy? just smile and go self improving. just fucking get me killed.
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>>286106
>Not gonna read all of that
Ok. TL;DR: I love drawing, math and cs, and music. So much. I feel a lot of things inside me but I can't communicate. I can never properly express myself. I think I'm different. I feel something big and important inside me. I have a lot of dreams and wish I had the time and resources to realize them, I want to live very long to realize all my dreams. I just want to learn a lot of things and do a lot of things. I love living in my world of dreams, imagination and ideas. I have a lot of energy and enthusiasm and am very ambitious and dedicated and I believe it's possible but I feel in a prison, a bird in a cage. My life is a mess. I'm falling into the void. Something feels wrong. I'm probably forgetting something important I had to say but I have to move on.
Sorry. I'll just try to be better from now on and move on.
Sorry. Sorry.
>Not gonna read all of that
Ok. TL;DR: I love drawing, math and cs, and music. So much. I feel a lot of things inside me but I can't communicate. I can never properly express myself. I think I'm different. I feel something big and important inside me. I have a lot of dreams and wish I had the time and resources to realize them, I want to live very long to realize all my dreams. I just want to learn a lot of things and do a lot of things. I love living in my world of dreams, imagination and ideas. I have a lot of energy and enthusiasm and am very ambitious and dedicated and I believe it's possible but I feel in a prison, a bird in a cage. My life is a mess. I'm falling into the void. Something feels wrong. I'm probably forgetting something important I had to say but I have to move on.
Sorry. I'll just try to be better from now on and move on.
Sorry. Sorry.
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>>286136
Using your self-researched skills to pursue a grand creative vision is not a sign that something is wrong with you. Many people develop these aspirations and then concede upon hiting a hurdle. You've still got a fire burning inside your soul despite feeling so restrained. You've got the desire, the drive, but you feel you need to live forever to complete your goals… Common. Know that anything you can do to further your interests, even if it's restricted by the confines of this cage, is going to have a positive impact on your overall fulfillment when reflecting on the life you just lived when it comes time for you to move on to the next.
There's going to be a you tomorrow. What the you of today does now will determine if he is happy or sad.
If today you work towards your goals a bit, tomorrow you will be happy.
If today you only lament that tomorrow you may still be stuck in the cage, tomorrow you will be sad.
Tomorrow you wants today you to do something you enjoy. Even if it's just doodling on a napkin or watching a nice N64 speedrun, tomorrow you wants today you to do anything but worry about him. Don't let tomorrowbro down.
Using your self-researched skills to pursue a grand creative vision is not a sign that something is wrong with you. Many people develop these aspirations and then concede upon hiting a hurdle. You've still got a fire burning inside your soul despite feeling so restrained. You've got the desire, the drive, but you feel you need to live forever to complete your goals… Common. Know that anything you can do to further your interests, even if it's restricted by the confines of this cage, is going to have a positive impact on your overall fulfillment when reflecting on the life you just lived when it comes time for you to move on to the next.
There's going to be a you tomorrow. What the you of today does now will determine if he is happy or sad.
If today you work towards your goals a bit, tomorrow you will be happy.
If today you only lament that tomorrow you may still be stuck in the cage, tomorrow you will be sad.
Tomorrow you wants today you to do something you enjoy. Even if it's just doodling on a napkin or watching a nice N64 speedrun, tomorrow you wants today you to do anything but worry about him. Don't let tomorrowbro down.
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>>286078
it's a rough pill to swallow when you realize your parents are actually your enemies, they don't want you to have a good life because their life wasn't as good since they are low iq groids
it's a rough pill to swallow when you realize your parents are actually your enemies, they don't want you to have a good life because their life wasn't as good since they are low iq groids
>>286155
are you generalizing all parents as bad? if you're talking about your parents you should say 'my parents' and not 'your parents'
are you generalizing all parents as bad? if you're talking about your parents you should say 'my parents' and not 'your parents'
>>286162
like i said it's a tough pill to swallow but you'll learn I was right when you get older
like i said it's a tough pill to swallow but you'll learn I was right when you get older
>>286167
no sir. if you think all parents are evil who want to see their kids fail, then remove your head from your ass to reinstate circulation to the brain,
no sir. if you think all parents are evil who want to see their kids fail, then remove your head from your ass to reinstate circulation to the brain,
>>286168
in the end your parents would betray you and choose to be a member of society rather than have a virgin son, they view you as trash and a failed investment
in the end your parents would betray you and choose to be a member of society rather than have a virgin son, they view you as trash and a failed investment
>>286168
>>286175
It's not "all" parents, but the vast majority i would agree with.
People are generally very selfish. You can tell by how young adults usually received barely any financial from their parents. The parents hoard it for their retirement, leaving the youth to waste their young years impoverished while trying to climb through into a job of their own. If it's clear that you wont reproduce then you're just a genetic failure and from an evolutionary perspective they should abandon you and try again with another child to maintain the family line.
>>286175
It's not "all" parents, but the vast majority i would agree with.
People are generally very selfish. You can tell by how young adults usually received barely any financial from their parents. The parents hoard it for their retirement, leaving the youth to waste their young years impoverished while trying to climb through into a job of their own. If it's clear that you wont reproduce then you're just a genetic failure and from an evolutionary perspective they should abandon you and try again with another child to maintain the family line.
>>286141
I fucking tried every single thing I could dream of, if this is not it I fucking rope myself because this will be the last drop. I fucking hate this world.
I fucking tried every single thing I could dream of, if this is not it I fucking rope myself because this will be the last drop. I fucking hate this world.
Why the fuck did I wake up? No, really. I need to fall asleep again, but I woke up for zero reason at all. Now instead of resting I fight succubi invading my mind. Filthy demons. You're not winning.
I have completely lost my mind, I keep falling back to anger phase from the acceptance phase. Every time I see a goddamn couple I lose my mind.
Especially when I see a succubus earning, I am starving here in this third world shithole, while succubi easily get jobs because they are succubi.
I lost my shit yesterday, and cursed out a succubi online who was trying to be my friend all while having a boyfriend, portraying herself as miserable all while being rich and having a well paying job before graduating.
Meanwhile, I am fucking starving, I try so hard, I work so hard, I am sleeping merely 4 hours a day every week, just so that I can get some job that could help me survive, while succubi in India live the lives of extreme luxury. What the fuck is this shit?
Why the fuck has the universe chosen me to suffer so much? And you know what's worse is that she asked me to open up, and I fucking did, I told her my life problems and weaknesses only to give her the validation that she needs. And I gave her that.
Like how can someone be so subhuman to rub it into a downtrodden man's face about how good their life is how rich the bitch is, how good her job is, how good her relationship is.
Goddamn it, I hate succubi so so so so much, it's actually unbelievable. Like what the hell is even wrong with them, they enjoy rubbing it in our faces don't they. If I ever meet her, I would strangle her like Hans Landa. God fucking damn it. I have completely lost it, I am so angry and depressed that I didn't sleep the whole fucking night out of anger, I can't control myself. I have accepted my fate, but I hate the feeling of powerlessness, I hate being a poor, ugly, ill, skinny fat, broke ass, third world loser, and I work so hard in college and send curated messages to thousands and thousands of niggers on LinkedIn, only for a pajeeta to steal my job. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.
Especially when I see a succubus earning, I am starving here in this third world shithole, while succubi easily get jobs because they are succubi.
I lost my shit yesterday, and cursed out a succubi online who was trying to be my friend all while having a boyfriend, portraying herself as miserable all while being rich and having a well paying job before graduating.
Meanwhile, I am fucking starving, I try so hard, I work so hard, I am sleeping merely 4 hours a day every week, just so that I can get some job that could help me survive, while succubi in India live the lives of extreme luxury. What the fuck is this shit?
Why the fuck has the universe chosen me to suffer so much? And you know what's worse is that she asked me to open up, and I fucking did, I told her my life problems and weaknesses only to give her the validation that she needs. And I gave her that.
Like how can someone be so subhuman to rub it into a downtrodden man's face about how good their life is how rich the bitch is, how good her job is, how good her relationship is.
Goddamn it, I hate succubi so so so so much, it's actually unbelievable. Like what the hell is even wrong with them, they enjoy rubbing it in our faces don't they. If I ever meet her, I would strangle her like Hans Landa. God fucking damn it. I have completely lost it, I am so angry and depressed that I didn't sleep the whole fucking night out of anger, I can't control myself. I have accepted my fate, but I hate the feeling of powerlessness, I hate being a poor, ugly, ill, skinny fat, broke ass, third world loser, and I work so hard in college and send curated messages to thousands and thousands of niggers on LinkedIn, only for a pajeeta to steal my job. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.
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I sometimes cannot believe how bad this is. I hope alcohol withdrawal makes me seize so that I crack my head open. The worst part is the mental aspect. Yes, being unable to walk at 4am is bad, too. I've gotten drunk for 9 years straight and the thought are sometimes just demonically bad. The confusion, the shakiness, the convulsions. I have nothing and I'll never be anything. I can't do this. Jesus please have mercy and let me die.
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>>286141
>>286179
You have to keep doing the same thing like an Machine until it works or you break.
Here's a perfect antenna, made by a computer through millions of dumb tests until it came to achieve highest efficiency possible.
Only reason to ever give up is when you you run into a crippling situation. (Which very well might happen)
>>286179
You have to keep doing the same thing like an Machine until it works or you break.
Here's a perfect antenna, made by a computer through millions of dumb tests until it came to achieve highest efficiency possible.
Only reason to ever give up is when you you run into a crippling situation. (Which very well might happen)
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Sorry. I made a lot of dumb and embarrassing posts. It's obnoxious. I'm in a very bad mental state. Basically, I'm in a lot of pain and sadness, and I'm very angry and frustrated, because I like drawing and math a lot but my life is a mess and I think I'm going to die without being allowed to follow my dreams.
I'll try to improve my mental state and just dedicate the rest of my life to trying to realize my dreams.
Apologize for the inconvenience.
I'll try to improve my mental state and just dedicate the rest of my life to trying to realize my dreams.
Apologize for the inconvenience.
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>>286194
you always are anyways man, nothing gonna change if you keep doing the same thing, Vaas said it was insanity for a reason
you always are anyways man, nothing gonna change if you keep doing the same thing, Vaas said it was insanity for a reason
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>>286197
Well that's how you get things done if you were not born with a silver spoon up your ass to pull you through for free.
Crawl through dirt and mud like a lunatic worm, chewing all the shit particles you can find for sustenance.
Well that's how you get things done if you were not born with a silver spoon up your ass to pull you through for free.
Crawl through dirt and mud like a lunatic worm, chewing all the shit particles you can find for sustenance.
>>286198
Pretty much the reason I referred to rope. This is fucking insane why should a man be concerned with this bullshit. It seems they spawn idiots so they keep creating problems out of nowhere. Everyone's slaving – everyone's happy. Fucking shit.
Pretty much the reason I referred to rope. This is fucking insane why should a man be concerned with this bullshit. It seems they spawn idiots so they keep creating problems out of nowhere. Everyone's slaving – everyone's happy. Fucking shit.
>>286189
I try but I just can't sleep. Life's just horrible at this point, I thought things would get better with acceptance but the life that universe has forced upon me is just unacceptable, it's just cruel.
I try but I just can't sleep. Life's just horrible at this point, I thought things would get better with acceptance but the life that universe has forced upon me is just unacceptable, it's just cruel.
I like the feeling when you're not asleep yet but already not awake. This state when your mind crumbles and thoughts flow through your mind in a very peculiar, twisted form, so similar and strange at the same time. I wish I could remember what exactly I am thinking during those brief periods. Life is such a shit.
>>286202
the scary part is just gonna keep getting worse. people pretty much given up and is letting shit hit the fan, you don't know how many fucking times im hearing zoomers and millennials being sad as shit that they can't afford a home, car or fucking anything nowadays.
the scary part is just gonna keep getting worse. people pretty much given up and is letting shit hit the fan, you don't know how many fucking times im hearing zoomers and millennials being sad as shit that they can't afford a home, car or fucking anything nowadays.
I don't know the fuck it is was, but these ultra real dreams drive me crazy precisely because I have to wake up.
>>286195
Is FarCry 3 any good? I haven't played a game in forever but this one always caught my attention. It might be the game that makes or breaks my reentry into vidya, Anon.
Is FarCry 3 any good? I haven't played a game in forever but this one always caught my attention. It might be the game that makes or breaks my reentry into vidya, Anon.
>>286207
True, people buy 1000$ scooters on loans here which last for a few years. A car is truly out of reach, it is brutal realisation to have that one will never have a car, a house, or a family of their own, even a job where your superior doesn't scream on you seems out of reach, but normies here have been baited by globohomo to chase pussy and foids, so if they get into a relationship which most of them do, they don't tend to give a shit about rest of the world, even if they are sleeping together in a sewer. It's funny how elites have bascially pushed a form of life where slaves have to be extremely petty and compete with each other for wageslavery. lol people don't ever try to help the other person, they even want to keep the knowledge secret, LinkedIn is the ultimate form of subhumanity that I have ever seen, with masters having so many slaves to choose from, it's no surprise they choose succubi, and tell you to just keep grinding. No neetbuxx in India either, either you be a slave or you die. As a matter of fact, this is worse than slavery because back in the day, you don't really have to compete and study to be a slave, you just got hired or you died, not much has changed.
True, people buy 1000$ scooters on loans here which last for a few years. A car is truly out of reach, it is brutal realisation to have that one will never have a car, a house, or a family of their own, even a job where your superior doesn't scream on you seems out of reach, but normies here have been baited by globohomo to chase pussy and foids, so if they get into a relationship which most of them do, they don't tend to give a shit about rest of the world, even if they are sleeping together in a sewer. It's funny how elites have bascially pushed a form of life where slaves have to be extremely petty and compete with each other for wageslavery. lol people don't ever try to help the other person, they even want to keep the knowledge secret, LinkedIn is the ultimate form of subhumanity that I have ever seen, with masters having so many slaves to choose from, it's no surprise they choose succubi, and tell you to just keep grinding. No neetbuxx in India either, either you be a slave or you die. As a matter of fact, this is worse than slavery because back in the day, you don't really have to compete and study to be a slave, you just got hired or you died, not much has changed.
>>286219
Yeah its good but last time I played it seemed graphically outdated and the audio doesn't sound good without being in a cutscene. Otherwise you should try it out and far cry 2 and 5, one of the best ones
Yeah its good but last time I played it seemed graphically outdated and the audio doesn't sound good without being in a cutscene. Otherwise you should try it out and far cry 2 and 5, one of the best ones
>>286223
If you're born a slave into a country like India there is also another option besides suicide and hoping for rebirth in better circumstances, it's crime.
The downside is if you get caught, prison conditions are much worse in a place like India compared to countries such as Sweden. The prisons are even worse hells on earth than professional life in India.
But if you have nothing to lose, I'd still try crime and stealing from oppressors.
If you're born a slave into a country like India there is also another option besides suicide and hoping for rebirth in better circumstances, it's crime.
The downside is if you get caught, prison conditions are much worse in a place like India compared to countries such as Sweden. The prisons are even worse hells on earth than professional life in India.
But if you have nothing to lose, I'd still try crime and stealing from oppressors.
>>286241
actually, that post isn't related to anything, i'm just extremely pissed off by the mindset of the green text
actually, that post isn't related to anything, i'm just extremely pissed off by the mindset of the green text
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>>286234
I tried really hard, put in a lot of effort, tolerated failure and kept on enduring for several years straight, but there are failure states where you end up permanently crippled and there's fuck all you can do.
I tried really hard, put in a lot of effort, tolerated failure and kept on enduring for several years straight, but there are failure states where you end up permanently crippled and there's fuck all you can do.
>>286253
normies stick their head in the sand about anything that isn't a disney movie ending
normies stick their head in the sand about anything that isn't a disney movie ending
I am so filled with rage and bitternes, not the senseless edgy or juvenile one. I seethe at the conditions of the modern world and the indifference of the common man towards his brethren. Yet everywhere I go to I see these clowns acting overly optimistic for some retarded new flavor of the month anime or rehashed videogame, while more and more people fall through the cracks each day. They do this while they remain sheltered from the harshness of it that their unconditionally loving families or generous retardbuxx provide. When I express this discontent I'm told to "chill" and "have sex" or "touch grass", the latter coming often from alleged outcasts themselves. I don't get it, I feel so alone in this. But most importantly I feel outright THREATENED by happy and friendly people because I simply cannot fathom someone in poor life conditions being happy and friendly. No, these people come from well-off loving families, and they're displacing the people who are neither delusional enough to be fake positive, nor weak enough to blindly "accept their lot in life". The people I consider closest to friends and family, sad as it sounds. If you ever wonder where embittered oldfags go die, well I wonder the same.
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You know Gojira has lost his entertainment value when it makes more sense to take the three trailers released this year of stuff he's in, speed them all up by 2x, and play Benny Hill over them whilst opening them one after the other..
>>286262
Yup same here. At this point I fully realize we have to compete against zoomer teens and normies doing pity olympics even here on wizchan. Everyone here is our enemy just like real life.
Yup same here. At this point I fully realize we have to compete against zoomer teens and normies doing pity olympics even here on wizchan. Everyone here is our enemy just like real life.
>>286262
I feel like it has always been like that. We're just on the downhill road. Enjoy the suffering. Also, much relate to
>But most importantly I feel outright THREATENED by happy and friendly people because I simply cannot fathom someone in poor life conditions being happy and friendly.
Not sure if I feel any rage, just perpetual slow going hatred.
I feel like it has always been like that. We're just on the downhill road. Enjoy the suffering. Also, much relate to
>But most importantly I feel outright THREATENED by happy and friendly people because I simply cannot fathom someone in poor life conditions being happy and friendly.
Not sure if I feel any rage, just perpetual slow going hatred.
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Seriously how are you supposed to improve yourself when you are so deeply flawed at your core? My thoughts are just too unrealistically autistic and all over the place to make realistic, clear, structured, self improvement plans. Any time I want to change I can feel myself sabotaging myself. Just making this post is another part of it.
>called to help family
> ask what the problem is, they’re all standing there
>one person tells me one thing
>the other says no something else
>I say, ok, so the problem is x?
>both say yes
>the problem wasn’t what either of them said, nor what I said
> ask what the problem is, they’re all standing there
>one person tells me one thing
>the other says no something else
>I say, ok, so the problem is x?
>both say yes
>the problem wasn’t what either of them said, nor what I said
>>286268
Have you tried not thinking? It's clearly isn't helping. Most people don't think, they rely on a base level of intuition and only really stop to scratch their head once shit falls apart so bad that they need to actually re-think their whole lives. Thinking is like manual breathing, it's supposed to be an override, not the default state.
Have you tried not thinking? It's clearly isn't helping. Most people don't think, they rely on a base level of intuition and only really stop to scratch their head once shit falls apart so bad that they need to actually re-think their whole lives. Thinking is like manual breathing, it's supposed to be an override, not the default state.
I love drawing so much. There are so many things I want to draw, a lifetime of drawing wouldn't be enough. It's very precious and important to me.
Drawing, math, cs and music make me feel very at peace, they make me very happy, but also very in pain and in despair because I can't make progress because my life is a mess and I'll die without reaching a certain standard. I think everyone must think I'm just a retard and not meant for it but I really wanted to get good but my life is a mess. I'm starting to take the first steps, I have to fix a lot of things in my life first but I think I'm getting started but I think it's too late.
I wish I were very educated, knowledgeable, skillful, dedicated, strive for excellence, live only in pursuit of improvement and nothing else matters, and contribute a lot. I want to realize my ideals. But I think I won't get to. I want to try but I think it won't be enough.
I don't know how to talk, everyone says they find social interactions difficult but they can at least make a post on an imageboard saying how they feel but I can't even do that and talking makes me feel awful but I feel I have to say something. Apologize for posting, I'm just a mentally ill clown.
Drawing, math, cs and music make me feel very at peace, they make me very happy, but also very in pain and in despair because I can't make progress because my life is a mess and I'll die without reaching a certain standard. I think everyone must think I'm just a retard and not meant for it but I really wanted to get good but my life is a mess. I'm starting to take the first steps, I have to fix a lot of things in my life first but I think I'm getting started but I think it's too late.
I wish I were very educated, knowledgeable, skillful, dedicated, strive for excellence, live only in pursuit of improvement and nothing else matters, and contribute a lot. I want to realize my ideals. But I think I won't get to. I want to try but I think it won't be enough.
I don't know how to talk, everyone says they find social interactions difficult but they can at least make a post on an imageboard saying how they feel but I can't even do that and talking makes me feel awful but I feel I have to say something. Apologize for posting, I'm just a mentally ill clown.
>>286272
I never thought about that, thinking should be used for situations where you need to think. If you're at home doing jack shit, why think? Just do whatever you want.
I never thought about that, thinking should be used for situations where you need to think. If you're at home doing jack shit, why think? Just do whatever you want.
>>286273
>but they can at least make a post on an imageboard saying how they feel
right now you are literally doing that – making a post about how you feel, so do not underestimate yourself and your ability to talk.
>but they can at least make a post on an imageboard saying how they feel
right now you are literally doing that – making a post about how you feel, so do not underestimate yourself and your ability to talk.
I just wanna replay Far Cry 5 and not see anyone. I don't wanna work. Don't wanna talk. Don't want life, just leave me alone in the Bliss. Please.
I was already left behind years ago and everything is moving and changing too fast now for me to adapt now. At a certain point you really should just throw in the towel.
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>>286273
I know this pathetic and I'm ashamed of this but I've been wanting to learn to draw for 10 years now. I would buy the supplies and research what the best tutorials and books are only to never start or get past the first exercise because I am in constant need of dopamine and the boring beginner exercises don't provide that. I hate myself so much for this because how hard could it be to just sit down for like 1-2 hours a day to practice drawing instead of wasting it online reading shitposts with 0 insightful information with any lasting value.
I really need to learn it because I want to truly understand things, my brain right now just has a very simplified image of everything like I know what a face looks like but I don't actually know the right proportions and can't draw 3D shapes. I also want to create designs because most of what I see looks boring to me. I would love to make some mecha toys myself. I have all these ideas in my head that I just can't realize. I tried AI but it's just not good enough yet for very specific instructions.
But I just can't get past the fucking beginners stage which offers 0 satisfaction. I feel like I had to be born with an intrinsic desire for doodling or have an artist relative who taught me early before I got this depression/ADD/dopamine addiction whatever it is.
Normies say here: "well you don't really want it bla bla" but there is really nothing else that truly brings me this full joy but doing something creative. I don't really care about all the topics people talk about like politics, sports, personal gossip, latest tv shows, video games etc. I am tired of the shallow shitposting online. I admit I used to get some satisfaction from reading "I know that feel" online but now it fills me with despair because I know in the end only I myself can do something only I have 0 confidence in myself.
I know this pathetic and I'm ashamed of this but I've been wanting to learn to draw for 10 years now. I would buy the supplies and research what the best tutorials and books are only to never start or get past the first exercise because I am in constant need of dopamine and the boring beginner exercises don't provide that. I hate myself so much for this because how hard could it be to just sit down for like 1-2 hours a day to practice drawing instead of wasting it online reading shitposts with 0 insightful information with any lasting value.
I really need to learn it because I want to truly understand things, my brain right now just has a very simplified image of everything like I know what a face looks like but I don't actually know the right proportions and can't draw 3D shapes. I also want to create designs because most of what I see looks boring to me. I would love to make some mecha toys myself. I have all these ideas in my head that I just can't realize. I tried AI but it's just not good enough yet for very specific instructions.
But I just can't get past the fucking beginners stage which offers 0 satisfaction. I feel like I had to be born with an intrinsic desire for doodling or have an artist relative who taught me early before I got this depression/ADD/dopamine addiction whatever it is.
Normies say here: "well you don't really want it bla bla" but there is really nothing else that truly brings me this full joy but doing something creative. I don't really care about all the topics people talk about like politics, sports, personal gossip, latest tv shows, video games etc. I am tired of the shallow shitposting online. I admit I used to get some satisfaction from reading "I know that feel" online but now it fills me with despair because I know in the end only I myself can do something only I have 0 confidence in myself.
>>286280
If there is something you would really like to draw and it can be stored as an image on your computer, just redraw it. And keep redrawing it again and again until you feel like you are satisfied. Throw those books and guides in the garbage bin, just unleash your soul and enjoy.
This really works.
Also, you say your life is a mess and you will never achieve your standard, I obviously cannot evaluate amount of truth in it, but since you are sure it is over anyway, you can as well focus on enjoying the activity instead of trying to be ultra professional from the first attempt. I really do not know if you can make peace with this kind of mindset. I seem to be unable to do so. But you maybe be able to.
I feel very awkward about this post, sorry if it is a disappointment. I have always been a disappointment for every single human I have ever tried to make friends with. Sorry.
If there is something you would really like to draw and it can be stored as an image on your computer, just redraw it. And keep redrawing it again and again until you feel like you are satisfied. Throw those books and guides in the garbage bin, just unleash your soul and enjoy.
This really works.
Also, you say your life is a mess and you will never achieve your standard, I obviously cannot evaluate amount of truth in it, but since you are sure it is over anyway, you can as well focus on enjoying the activity instead of trying to be ultra professional from the first attempt. I really do not know if you can make peace with this kind of mindset. I seem to be unable to do so. But you maybe be able to.
I feel very awkward about this post, sorry if it is a disappointment. I have always been a disappointment for every single human I have ever tried to make friends with. Sorry.
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Oh look at that,
The first thing that comes up when I google "dead bush" is the one from minecraft feel free to beat around THAT, though, I'm sure you'll accomplish something soon :D
The first thing that comes up when I google "dead bush" is the one from minecraft feel free to beat around THAT, though, I'm sure you'll accomplish something soon :D
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>>286275
I want to succeed very much. I'm basically guaranteed to fail because my life sucks a lot. But I don't know, I really feel something inside me, I feel like I could be very happy and free. I want to realize my ideals. So much. If I fail in this life, I wish I had another life, I wish I could go back in time and start when I was younger, or reincarnate. I imagine for many people drawing and math are just hobbies, but for me it's something very special, you might say holy even. About talking and communication, it's like I can't communicate a certain thing, maybe it's like it's too private and personal so I'm afraid to say it. I don't want to talk with words, I want to communicate with works and actions. Sorry for making another post, I'm just very alone and I feel a lot of pain. I feel very desperate. I feel like I didn't get to live my own life, even though I could have been very happy and free, and there's nothing I can do anymore. During my youth, I felt like I was in a comma; I'm starting to feel better, but it's too late. I'll try my best but I think it won't be enough.
I want to succeed very much. I'm basically guaranteed to fail because my life sucks a lot. But I don't know, I really feel something inside me, I feel like I could be very happy and free. I want to realize my ideals. So much. If I fail in this life, I wish I had another life, I wish I could go back in time and start when I was younger, or reincarnate. I imagine for many people drawing and math are just hobbies, but for me it's something very special, you might say holy even. About talking and communication, it's like I can't communicate a certain thing, maybe it's like it's too private and personal so I'm afraid to say it. I don't want to talk with words, I want to communicate with works and actions. Sorry for making another post, I'm just very alone and I feel a lot of pain. I feel very desperate. I feel like I didn't get to live my own life, even though I could have been very happy and free, and there's nothing I can do anymore. During my youth, I felt like I was in a comma; I'm starting to feel better, but it's too late. I'll try my best but I think it won't be enough.
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Sorry. I'm in a very bad mental state.
From now on, I'll just try my best. I want to realize my ideals, very much. I'll do what I think I'm supposed to, even if I'm completely alone. I'll be silent and speak through actions and works only. I hope very much to succeed. Either I'll make it or die like I never existed. I want to follow a certain path very much. I think I've been abandoned but I'll try my best, just do it and not care about anything else. I want to realize my ideals, realize my dreams. I can't communicate properly, sorry, so I'll just do it. Sorry and bye hopefully.
From now on, I'll just try my best. I want to realize my ideals, very much. I'll do what I think I'm supposed to, even if I'm completely alone. I'll be silent and speak through actions and works only. I hope very much to succeed. Either I'll make it or die like I never existed. I want to follow a certain path very much. I think I've been abandoned but I'll try my best, just do it and not care about anything else. I want to realize my ideals, realize my dreams. I can't communicate properly, sorry, so I'll just do it. Sorry and bye hopefully.
The world becomes a kind of haunting bad joke as you get older, after hearing and trying the exact same advice for 20 years they tell you as if it’s revolutionary and new. Worse some assert they know you aren’t doing this, when they legitimately might have been watching Barney when you first tried it. It’s a sad repeating joke.
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>You are almost as happy as you think you are.
implementing fortunes on login prompt was a mistake
implementing fortunes on login prompt was a mistake
Sometimes I feel between sad and guilty when I realize how ignorant I am, especially compared to the average user you can find in most IBs. I remember when I was younger I was much more curious and ambitious, but now, I spend almost all my time working, and the few times I try to enlighten myself, I end up feeling "fake".
I guess I'm just an NPC who hasn't had sex, as people say now.
I guess I'm just an NPC who hasn't had sex, as people say now.
>>286313
This is so sad man. I so badly long for a world where I would be allowed to pursue my own goals and interests instead of wasting my life in this grind machine just to keep this failing planet going for a few more centuries. This is so unfair. And they call it "freedom". Yeah sure. Freedom to choose between suicide and killing yourself.
This is so sad man. I so badly long for a world where I would be allowed to pursue my own goals and interests instead of wasting my life in this grind machine just to keep this failing planet going for a few more centuries. This is so unfair. And they call it "freedom". Yeah sure. Freedom to choose between suicide and killing yourself.
>>286292
I'll turn 25 in some weeks. I know I sound like I'm 13 at most. I think I'm actually retarded. I'm very sad. I just wanted to draw and learn math. I wish I had spent my entire youth developing these skills and gone to an university. I think I could have been very happy and free.
I'll try doing my best from now on but I think it's too late. I think I'll fail because my conditions are horrible but nothing else matters.
Sorry. I have been very bad and I'll try to just be better from now on.
I'll turn 25 in some weeks. I know I sound like I'm 13 at most. I think I'm actually retarded. I'm very sad. I just wanted to draw and learn math. I wish I had spent my entire youth developing these skills and gone to an university. I think I could have been very happy and free.
I'll try doing my best from now on but I think it's too late. I think I'll fail because my conditions are horrible but nothing else matters.
Sorry. I have been very bad and I'll try to just be better from now on.
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I ran out of sources of easy dopamine…
Everything I used to enjoy feels stale and like it just gets worse because everyone just wants safe, low effort profits and not take any risks. Every new piece of content just feels like something I've seen before but with a different skin. The conversations on imageboards all repeat infinitely too.
I feel like this is where I need to step in and start creating something myself but I just have no energy for the long exhausting process of learning a new skill.
Everything I used to enjoy feels stale and like it just gets worse because everyone just wants safe, low effort profits and not take any risks. Every new piece of content just feels like something I've seen before but with a different skin. The conversations on imageboards all repeat infinitely too.
I feel like this is where I need to step in and start creating something myself but I just have no energy for the long exhausting process of learning a new skill.
>>286326
then there is nothing else left but to try and find a bit harder sources of dopamine. you're describing a dead end imo, so maybe you can find the strength to find a way around.
anyway wish you luck, because this no joy allowed kind of depression is horrible
then there is nothing else left but to try and find a bit harder sources of dopamine. you're describing a dead end imo, so maybe you can find the strength to find a way around.
anyway wish you luck, because this no joy allowed kind of depression is horrible
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I want to prove that there is something inside me.
Or maybe I it's not about that, I don't care about proving anything to anyone, just want to spend my time doing what I love.
Sorry. I'll just try to be better from now on. Nevermind everything I ever said. Apologize for spamming.
Or maybe I it's not about that, I don't care about proving anything to anyone, just want to spend my time doing what I love.
Sorry. I'll just try to be better from now on. Nevermind everything I ever said. Apologize for spamming.
>>286323 it's ok anon I am just like you but I am 18 years old. I am depressed for about an year now. I don't know what will happen to me when I reach your age. I will probably kms before that I guess.
I can't sleep because of anxiety. This, this is just something I can't express. So stupid. Why am I so weak willed? Perhaps that's the reason why I've got no life. With no willpower to eat kindly offered stinking feces you just can't overcome even minor issues of this world.
God people are such simpletons giggle like idiots on and on about some movie from 20 years ago. I swear ive heard a coworker share the same story about a rotten potato 3 times now
>>286349
kek you made me giggle. I know I will still be here when I will turn 25. We are here forever.
kek you made me giggle. I know I will still be here when I will turn 25. We are here forever.
>>286352
0 and I am planning to live my life away from succubi and to find out why the fuck we live in an absurd silly world. I don't care about succubi and neither should you. I have been here on wizchan for more than 2 years now.
0 and I am planning to live my life away from succubi and to find out why the fuck we live in an absurd silly world. I don't care about succubi and neither should you. I have been here on wizchan for more than 2 years now.
>>286353
But I don't think I will find any answers to my questions wizbro. I am mentally ill probably that iss why I am lurking here.
But I don't think I will find any answers to my questions wizbro. I am mentally ill probably that iss why I am lurking here.
>try learning a new skill, for fun and for better future prospects
>get a week in
>begin convincing myself that it is pointless
>begin convincing myself that i am far to unintelligent/not talented enough to do it
>by the end of the day i am in a catatonic state cursing myself over and over, having given up on my new hobby
can someone PLEASE tell me how to break out of this self defeating prophecy?
>get a week in
>begin convincing myself that it is pointless
>begin convincing myself that i am far to unintelligent/not talented enough to do it
>by the end of the day i am in a catatonic state cursing myself over and over, having given up on my new hobby
can someone PLEASE tell me how to break out of this self defeating prophecy?
>>286355
wiz what works for me is spending less time doing hobby. once you feel like bitching yourself stop doing that until you feel like doing it again. next time when you get back to your hobby spend less time doing it. i mean you have to portion it, making the portions as small as you can take. it's probably not going to fix your life (didn't fix my) but at least may help to not give up on things you like.
wiz what works for me is spending less time doing hobby. once you feel like bitching yourself stop doing that until you feel like doing it again. next time when you get back to your hobby spend less time doing it. i mean you have to portion it, making the portions as small as you can take. it's probably not going to fix your life (didn't fix my) but at least may help to not give up on things you like.
Ripping my toenails out for the first time in a while
Just feeling it
Oh well
Backwards we go
Just feeling it
Oh well
Backwards we go
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I still can't believe my life.
Usually mediocre, low willpower, no talent people like me go one of these ways:
>wageslave to then come home and drink beer, watch tv or play video games or chat with people on social media
>NEET and play video games or watch anime all day
but I can't even do that. I bought a game console 3 YEARS AGO with several games I've yet to touch because hooking it up and then starting the game and going through the tutorial sounds like too much work. Yet I will play the same online game I SUCK AT and that puts me into a bad mood after a loss steak when I could have been having fun after the boring introductory period. I also keep coming back to imageboards despite being utterly bored and indiffierent to the discussions about the latest politics, shitty soulless video games and movies and e-celeb drama I don't care about.
What's the worst is that I am self-aware enough to recognize this and yet I continue to literally waste my life away. 8 years ago I was already at this point and remember making it 1 week without touching imageboards only to relapse and never try to quit them again despite already being unhappy with the post quality. Now it's not like I have some great talents in me that the world is missing out on from me wasting my life but still doing anything is better than this.
Usually mediocre, low willpower, no talent people like me go one of these ways:
>wageslave to then come home and drink beer, watch tv or play video games or chat with people on social media
>NEET and play video games or watch anime all day
but I can't even do that. I bought a game console 3 YEARS AGO with several games I've yet to touch because hooking it up and then starting the game and going through the tutorial sounds like too much work. Yet I will play the same online game I SUCK AT and that puts me into a bad mood after a loss steak when I could have been having fun after the boring introductory period. I also keep coming back to imageboards despite being utterly bored and indiffierent to the discussions about the latest politics, shitty soulless video games and movies and e-celeb drama I don't care about.
What's the worst is that I am self-aware enough to recognize this and yet I continue to literally waste my life away. 8 years ago I was already at this point and remember making it 1 week without touching imageboards only to relapse and never try to quit them again despite already being unhappy with the post quality. Now it's not like I have some great talents in me that the world is missing out on from me wasting my life but still doing anything is better than this.
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>>286343
>>286344
I just want to draw so much. And if possible learn math and go to an university some day.
I don't know, it's like there's a light I believe in, but every day it grows dimmer.
I don't know, I just lost my life, I didn't get to live my own life, and it really hurts, and I'm stuck on this website making dumb posts. I think I could have been so happy. I don't understand why I ended up like this, I think it's not my fault, I think there was extreme abuse and I developed a lot of mental illnesses. I just wanted to study very hard, work very hard, not care about things like videogames or having friends just work towards my goals every day and nothing else matters, contribute and just do what I love.
I really hope to live very long, like at least up to 60 but ideally up to 100, just so I can have several decades of nothing but drawing every day, don't even want to draw comissions just draw what I like, and so I can learn a lot of math, I still dream of being able to go to an university one day and write at least a passable phd thesis, apparently the local university which apparently is in the global top 100 has an university entrance exam selection rather than an interview selection so anyone regardless of age can get in I think, but there's an essay and I'm not good at writing…
I don't want to post crank math or ugly drawings on the internet, I want to make a real contribution. So maybe even if I get a drawing tablet somehow I might never post any works because I have very high expectations of myself. I know everyone thinks I'm just a retard but I really feel it and I believe it, nothing else matters so I have to try like I could actually do it.
I just want to shut the f*ck up and speak through actions but my life sucks and I can't do anything so I have to talk. I apologize for posting, I know nobody cares, I'm just desperate and don't even know how to properly communicate, sorry.
>>286344
I just want to draw so much. And if possible learn math and go to an university some day.
I don't know, it's like there's a light I believe in, but every day it grows dimmer.
I don't know, I just lost my life, I didn't get to live my own life, and it really hurts, and I'm stuck on this website making dumb posts. I think I could have been so happy. I don't understand why I ended up like this, I think it's not my fault, I think there was extreme abuse and I developed a lot of mental illnesses. I just wanted to study very hard, work very hard, not care about things like videogames or having friends just work towards my goals every day and nothing else matters, contribute and just do what I love.
I really hope to live very long, like at least up to 60 but ideally up to 100, just so I can have several decades of nothing but drawing every day, don't even want to draw comissions just draw what I like, and so I can learn a lot of math, I still dream of being able to go to an university one day and write at least a passable phd thesis, apparently the local university which apparently is in the global top 100 has an university entrance exam selection rather than an interview selection so anyone regardless of age can get in I think, but there's an essay and I'm not good at writing…
I don't want to post crank math or ugly drawings on the internet, I want to make a real contribution. So maybe even if I get a drawing tablet somehow I might never post any works because I have very high expectations of myself. I know everyone thinks I'm just a retard but I really feel it and I believe it, nothing else matters so I have to try like I could actually do it.
I just want to shut the f*ck up and speak through actions but my life sucks and I can't do anything so I have to talk. I apologize for posting, I know nobody cares, I'm just desperate and don't even know how to properly communicate, sorry.
>>286378
it is hard to leave imageboards when there are no alternative rewarding activities. rarely i get caught up in some interesting stuff and literally spend a few weeks without even thinking about imageboards. but when you're brain rotting you'll just be wrung to open a board and post something. just some thoughts.
it is hard to leave imageboards when there are no alternative rewarding activities. rarely i get caught up in some interesting stuff and literally spend a few weeks without even thinking about imageboards. but when you're brain rotting you'll just be wrung to open a board and post something. just some thoughts.
When people tell me I am a 'sperg', is it a good thing or not? How do I interpret this? I am fucking angry!
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>>286381
I mean, none of this matters, I'll soon have to wageslave in a best case scenario, or die homeless, I have no future anymore. I really wish I could go back in time or reincarnate, I just wanted to draw, learn math and listen to music. I feel like a ghost. I'm very desperate and don't know what to do. Sorry.
I mean, none of this matters, I'll soon have to wageslave in a best case scenario, or die homeless, I have no future anymore. I really wish I could go back in time or reincarnate, I just wanted to draw, learn math and listen to music. I feel like a ghost. I'm very desperate and don't know what to do. Sorry.
>>286386
>I just wanted to draw, learn math and listen to music.
All of these can be done while homeless!
>I just wanted to draw, learn math and listen to music.
All of these can be done while homeless!
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>>286381
I'm not sure if I fully understand you but I can maybe relate.
I went to college hoping to one day work in robotics/AI but my brain is just too slow for all the math.
I then thought about going into design but I also know I lack the creativity, dexterity and energy for it and you are expected to work over 8 hours in these jobs since they are passion driven.
I would also love to do photography or direct a movie but again you need to be creative but also a social butterfly which posting here I obviously am not.
Consoooming doesn't satisfy me anymore. Neither does talking about pointless shit on imageboards or trying to reach made up goals in video games.
So without a goal I just lie in bed and do braindead activities to pass the time until I am tired enough to sleep.
What makes me most sad is that I feel like I was lucky enough to be born in this time where all these things were possible but I wasn't able to actually do them because I am deeply flawed as a person. Most of history we didn't have all this technology and with how the future looks things will get worse so it's really just this short window you had to live life to its fullest and I fucking missed it.
I'm not sure if I fully understand you but I can maybe relate.
I went to college hoping to one day work in robotics/AI but my brain is just too slow for all the math.
I then thought about going into design but I also know I lack the creativity, dexterity and energy for it and you are expected to work over 8 hours in these jobs since they are passion driven.
I would also love to do photography or direct a movie but again you need to be creative but also a social butterfly which posting here I obviously am not.
Consoooming doesn't satisfy me anymore. Neither does talking about pointless shit on imageboards or trying to reach made up goals in video games.
So without a goal I just lie in bed and do braindead activities to pass the time until I am tired enough to sleep.
What makes me most sad is that I feel like I was lucky enough to be born in this time where all these things were possible but I wasn't able to actually do them because I am deeply flawed as a person. Most of history we didn't have all this technology and with how the future looks things will get worse so it's really just this short window you had to live life to its fullest and I fucking missed it.
>>286389
You know, maybe I am glad I did not get a chance, at least I ill be able to blame the world and not me. This life is too fucked.
You know, maybe I am glad I did not get a chance, at least I ill be able to blame the world and not me. This life is too fucked.
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>>286393
I blame myself in the way that there is no one else to blame but looking at the circumstances I feel like me ending up a 30yo NEET was inevitable and predictable.
I didn't have parents in these careers who would have helped me with tutoring and connections. I didn't have any innate talent to give me a start in these fields and feel like there is potential. I didn't have the looks and personality to become social and getting into these careers by being able to make the right friends.
With all the resources available nowadays it feels like you can rebuild yourself as a person but I think it's more theoretical than practical. Also you can't really control if you get the "right" thoughts that will lead to self improvement. The thoughts I had were all defeatist and self-hating and dooming even before that culture appeared on imageboards.
I blame myself in the way that there is no one else to blame but looking at the circumstances I feel like me ending up a 30yo NEET was inevitable and predictable.
I didn't have parents in these careers who would have helped me with tutoring and connections. I didn't have any innate talent to give me a start in these fields and feel like there is potential. I didn't have the looks and personality to become social and getting into these careers by being able to make the right friends.
With all the resources available nowadays it feels like you can rebuild yourself as a person but I think it's more theoretical than practical. Also you can't really control if you get the "right" thoughts that will lead to self improvement. The thoughts I had were all defeatist and self-hating and dooming even before that culture appeared on imageboards.
>>286389
As someone currently doing their graduate studies, I feel you wiz. Part of me wonders why I’m still here, going through the motions. And I deliberately put myself in this situation, and I constantly agonize over whether it was the right thing to do. I still find my field interesting but the further you go into sciences, the more you realize that it really is just like any other profession. You need connections and social aptitude to get anywhere. The idea that the best scientists are the Teslas of their time and not the Edisons was a terrible lie inflicted on me. And when I start to wonder whether I should try something else like music or a trade, I just feel far behind enough in my own field that trying to start something new just seems foolish. So I do my coursework and research with my degree in mind as a sort of goalpost, but then what? I’ve already tried just working normal jobs but I’ve been institutionalized with a carrot-on-stick mentality. My whole life I forsake fun, and friends, and everything I wanted because I thought I’d I just suffered through school and got to “the end” I’d finally be free to do what I want. But I got to “the end”, and didn’t know what I wanted anymore, so I just went back to school to keep myself trained in the carrot and avoid my meaningless existence if just for a few more years. I fear what will happen once I graduate again.
As someone currently doing their graduate studies, I feel you wiz. Part of me wonders why I’m still here, going through the motions. And I deliberately put myself in this situation, and I constantly agonize over whether it was the right thing to do. I still find my field interesting but the further you go into sciences, the more you realize that it really is just like any other profession. You need connections and social aptitude to get anywhere. The idea that the best scientists are the Teslas of their time and not the Edisons was a terrible lie inflicted on me. And when I start to wonder whether I should try something else like music or a trade, I just feel far behind enough in my own field that trying to start something new just seems foolish. So I do my coursework and research with my degree in mind as a sort of goalpost, but then what? I’ve already tried just working normal jobs but I’ve been institutionalized with a carrot-on-stick mentality. My whole life I forsake fun, and friends, and everything I wanted because I thought I’d I just suffered through school and got to “the end” I’d finally be free to do what I want. But I got to “the end”, and didn’t know what I wanted anymore, so I just went back to school to keep myself trained in the carrot and avoid my meaningless existence if just for a few more years. I fear what will happen once I graduate again.
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>>286389
>What makes me most sad is that I feel like I was lucky enough to be born in this time where all these things were possible but I wasn't able to actually do them because I am deeply flawed as a person.
What makes me sad, I think I could have done all of these things, but I didn't because of my conditions. I never got to try. Maybe I am a "deeply flawed person" as you said, maybe I'm not that flawed, I don't know because I never got to try. There are many things I want to do, I think with enough time and resources I could achieve the results I aim for, but I won't ever have this time and resources. Even if I suck I want to at least keep trying and try to improve every day. What makes me sad, it's just that there are things I want to do, just drawing and math, I want to follow a certain path, but my life is a mess and I think I will die without doing so.
I think I was supposed to make the most of my youth, spent all my youth studying and developing my skills, but, I don't know what happened. I don't even remember most of my youth, I might have more memories since the pandemic than most of the rest of my life. I think it was just extreme abuse so I developed a lot of mental illnesses and I broke and became a horrible animal. Everyone thinks I'm a retard but I think I could have been different, could have been happy and free. Maybe I can still become different, become like I think I could have been, if all the right winds blow but I think I'm hopeless. I don't know I'm just very angry, there are a lot of things I want to do but I think I'll die without achieving any of these things. I want to realize my ideals but will never get to. I just feel in a world of s*it and don't know if it's possible to escape it. Sorry for making so many posts.
>What makes me most sad is that I feel like I was lucky enough to be born in this time where all these things were possible but I wasn't able to actually do them because I am deeply flawed as a person.
What makes me sad, I think I could have done all of these things, but I didn't because of my conditions. I never got to try. Maybe I am a "deeply flawed person" as you said, maybe I'm not that flawed, I don't know because I never got to try. There are many things I want to do, I think with enough time and resources I could achieve the results I aim for, but I won't ever have this time and resources. Even if I suck I want to at least keep trying and try to improve every day. What makes me sad, it's just that there are things I want to do, just drawing and math, I want to follow a certain path, but my life is a mess and I think I will die without doing so.
I think I was supposed to make the most of my youth, spent all my youth studying and developing my skills, but, I don't know what happened. I don't even remember most of my youth, I might have more memories since the pandemic than most of the rest of my life. I think it was just extreme abuse so I developed a lot of mental illnesses and I broke and became a horrible animal. Everyone thinks I'm a retard but I think I could have been different, could have been happy and free. Maybe I can still become different, become like I think I could have been, if all the right winds blow but I think I'm hopeless. I don't know I'm just very angry, there are a lot of things I want to do but I think I'll die without achieving any of these things. I want to realize my ideals but will never get to. I just feel in a world of s*it and don't know if it's possible to escape it. Sorry for making so many posts.
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>>286397
Sorry, I just want to try my best, but it's all a mess.
Sorry, I just want to try my best, but it's all a mess.
>>286399
Stop apologizing. If you were really sorry for what you're typing, you would not continue to type it.
Stop apologizing. If you were really sorry for what you're typing, you would not continue to type it.
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>>286400
hidoi! meanie!
hidoi! meanie!
>>286400
Ok.
I'll just stop being a bad person and do what I think is right, even if I'm hopeless. I hope to speak through actions rather than words.
Apologize for my behavior. Apologize for the inconvenience. I'll try to be better from now on.
Ok.
I'll just stop being a bad person and do what I think is right, even if I'm hopeless. I hope to speak through actions rather than words.
Apologize for my behavior. Apologize for the inconvenience. I'll try to be better from now on.
>>286402
See when you type like that, it begs the question of whether or not you're merely acting how you believe an extremely depressed person might. It's as if you're making a mockery of sad guys. Weigh the reward of typing what you type against the reward of doing something you claim you wish to do, and see then if apologizing for not doing something leaves you happier than just doing it.
See when you type like that, it begs the question of whether or not you're merely acting how you believe an extremely depressed person might. It's as if you're making a mockery of sad guys. Weigh the reward of typing what you type against the reward of doing something you claim you wish to do, and see then if apologizing for not doing something leaves you happier than just doing it.
>in the backyard doing stuff
>kids jumping on the trampoline next door keep shouting "UGLY BOY"
>kids jumping on the trampoline next door keep shouting "UGLY BOY"
>>286404
I don't want to post ugly drawings. I'll only post anything if I reach a certain level, which might never happen. I can't even afford a real drawing tablet or have free time to draw.
>>286403
I hope I don't sound like mocking anyone. I'm very bad at communicating and don't know how to sound like a normal person.
I don't want to post ugly drawings. I'll only post anything if I reach a certain level, which might never happen. I can't even afford a real drawing tablet or have free time to draw.
>>286403
I hope I don't sound like mocking anyone. I'm very bad at communicating and don't know how to sound like a normal person.
>>286408
>Nice to meet you Ugly Boy, I'm wizzie.
>Thanks for introducing yourself.
>I know you are but what am I??
>Didn't ask for your nickname at school, champ.
>Your mom didn't think I was ugly last night, bitch.
>Nice to meet you Ugly Boy, I'm wizzie.
>Thanks for introducing yourself.
>I know you are but what am I??
>Didn't ask for your nickname at school, champ.
>Your mom didn't think I was ugly last night, bitch.
every time i try to do anything, including things like watching tv and playing games, it just devolves into me calling myself a low iq subhuman and trying not to beat myself in the face.
>>286429
I'm literally a low iq subhuman, but I've learned to embrace it, I watch the stupidest lowest comedies and only play games with easy modes or cheats
I'm literally a low iq subhuman, but I've learned to embrace it, I watch the stupidest lowest comedies and only play games with easy modes or cheats
>>286357
That's how you get to 40 without having done anything at all.
Self-help books are a grift and detrimental.
That's how you get to 40 without having done anything at all.
Self-help books are a grift and detrimental.
>>286431
I mean most people are already stuck in inertia. Self-help books as cheesy as they are, are at least always pushing you to change things. None of them say keep doing what you're doing.
So while I don't love them, I'd say inertia already has most on a path to doing nothing.
I mean most people are already stuck in inertia. Self-help books as cheesy as they are, are at least always pushing you to change things. None of them say keep doing what you're doing.
So while I don't love them, I'd say inertia already has most on a path to doing nothing.
>>286429
Try not to hold yourself against some impossible standard. You are probably not as dumb as you think you are but feel frustrated you are not this super genius that gets everything right at first try.
Try not to hold yourself against some impossible standard. You are probably not as dumb as you think you are but feel frustrated you are not this super genius that gets everything right at first try.
What would you rather choose: A pill that kills yourself peacefully and painlessly, or a button, that if you push it, kills a person at your choice with no chance of tracking it back to you. For the most times I would have wanted the pill, but I am leaning more towards the button right now.
To think the best thing I could have done to turn my life around, was been a total 1st grade psycho running around smeering shit on the walls, so that I could be sent to special ed, and psychs, and adult professionals who actually know what they're doing for a complete social retard, autist, schizoid instead of the ignorant parents and teachers who said "oh hes just shy but gets good grades, hes fine"
>>286434
easily the button. My problems in life are caused by other people. Human life would be quite good if it was a little less crowded.
easily the button. My problems in life are caused by other people. Human life would be quite good if it was a little less crowded.
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>>286432
>None of them say keep doing what you're doing.
That's literally ALL they say.
They have absolute 0 applicable advice. Everything that is in those books is as banal and stupid as a 5 year old describing how to become an astronaut: "u hav to be strong, and smart and and have a clam mind under the stress and luv your country very much".
t. was surrounded by stacks self-help books and read them since the age of 5.
My father was basically a NEET on government welfare.
>None of them say keep doing what you're doing.
That's literally ALL they say.
They have absolute 0 applicable advice. Everything that is in those books is as banal and stupid as a 5 year old describing how to become an astronaut: "u hav to be strong, and smart and and have a clam mind under the stress and luv your country very much".
t. was surrounded by stacks self-help books and read them since the age of 5.
My father was basically a NEET on government welfare.
Thank you your Godly Magnificence for bestowing your lovely anxiety upon me. What the fuck. Why am I anxious when I realistically shouldn't give a fuck because I die in a few months anyway??
Just look at them this is fucking incredible, I just can't wrap my mind around it. I am literally right now observing normie do 3-4 times more work a day than me. How? How!? HOOWW?????
I need to concentrate. I need to concentrate. I need to concentrate. I need to concentrate. I need to concentrate. I need to concentrate. I need to concentrate. I need to concentrate. I need to concentrate. I need to concentrate.
I'm considering doing a total ghost on my life. I'm talking about just packing up and leaving everything I have, never speaking to anyone I know and just starting life again fresh somewhere else.
Has anyone here done such a thing? I think I'll do it early next year sometime.
Has anyone here done such a thing? I think I'll do it early next year sometime.
>>286431
Different kinds of self help books. Ones giving you temporary emotional motivation where you need to keep consuming, some modern best sellers, yes. Then you have philosophy based ones, and you have therapy technique based ones. Both of which also have mainstream best sellers. CBT, DBT, ACT - etc.
If there's a problem where you have self-talk issues like convincing yourself you are a failure who can't do anything or you are untalented that is legitimately the prime target for therapy techniques. Of course this is only if the claim is correct, and the language isn't a post-rationalisation of a different kind of issue.
Language being primary or secondary narrative to an issue is hard to know, but if someone hasn't tried it with those issues it's the first stop.
Different kinds of self help books. Ones giving you temporary emotional motivation where you need to keep consuming, some modern best sellers, yes. Then you have philosophy based ones, and you have therapy technique based ones. Both of which also have mainstream best sellers. CBT, DBT, ACT - etc.
If there's a problem where you have self-talk issues like convincing yourself you are a failure who can't do anything or you are untalented that is legitimately the prime target for therapy techniques. Of course this is only if the claim is correct, and the language isn't a post-rationalisation of a different kind of issue.
Language being primary or secondary narrative to an issue is hard to know, but if someone hasn't tried it with those issues it's the first stop.
>>286434
I wouldn't be able to trust myself with the button. Every time someone pissed me off in an Internet argument, you bet your ass I'd be slapping that thing.
I wouldn't be able to trust myself with the button. Every time someone pissed me off in an Internet argument, you bet your ass I'd be slapping that thing.
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I just don't know how one is to cope with not being able to make use of being born in this short time frame in history where culture and living standards peaked.
It just makes me so much of a loser I don't know how I can even come back after this. My self-confidence is obliterated, non-existent. And I can't cope that it's just self-esteem issues because it's based on the fact on being a penniless skill-less 31yo NEET. Maybe I can somehow work myself up and gain that confidence but I feel tainted, like damaged goods. Like at 30 I got this stamp of being a total fucking loser I will never get rid of. And even when I try to do anything there is this weight on my mind and body. I just feel exhausted all the time even after 8 hours of sleep.
I just want to try again but with a healthy body, good looks and a neurotypical mind while somehow retaining my memories and "soul" so I can appreciate all these things and don't just become a normie.
It just makes me so much of a loser I don't know how I can even come back after this. My self-confidence is obliterated, non-existent. And I can't cope that it's just self-esteem issues because it's based on the fact on being a penniless skill-less 31yo NEET. Maybe I can somehow work myself up and gain that confidence but I feel tainted, like damaged goods. Like at 30 I got this stamp of being a total fucking loser I will never get rid of. And even when I try to do anything there is this weight on my mind and body. I just feel exhausted all the time even after 8 hours of sleep.
I just want to try again but with a healthy body, good looks and a neurotypical mind while somehow retaining my memories and "soul" so I can appreciate all these things and don't just become a normie.
>>286472
Just give up. It will be a load off your mind and you can enjoy the rest of your 30s before the chronic health problems come in.
Just give up. It will be a load off your mind and you can enjoy the rest of your 30s before the chronic health problems come in.
>>286472
Don't give up. It's never to late to build a healthy body and an iron will. The important thing is that you do something, anything at all, to achieving your desires.
Don't give up. It's never to late to build a healthy body and an iron will. The important thing is that you do something, anything at all, to achieving your desires.
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I'm just so disgusted with myself. The way I prioritize comfort in the moment over everything is so pathetic. The way I look for any excuse to avoid putting in effort like spending days to research what the best way to learn something is rather than to just start. The way I keep complaining about things online rather than dealing with the issues. The way I look and hope for some opportunity that presents itself to fail so I don't feel bad for not doing anything.
My self awareness is the only hope I have but do I have the power to fight all these negative personality traits of mine? It's like I have to swim against the stream, run against a storm, climb up a mountain just to move forward. It's so exhausting.
My self awareness is the only hope I have but do I have the power to fight all these negative personality traits of mine? It's like I have to swim against the stream, run against a storm, climb up a mountain just to move forward. It's so exhausting.
I am so fucking pissed off I actually has to do all of this stupid monkey crap last minute every single fucking time. Before I at least could cope now I just want to fucking shoot myself. This is so fucking ridiculous. Every single time. Life was a mistake.
>>286479
>do I have the power to fight all these negative personality traits of mine?
Yes you do Wiz.
>It's like I have to swim against the stream, run against a storm, climb up a mountain just to move forward
You're the one making the stream, the storm, and the mountain for yourself. If there's something you want to do, just dive in as you are now instead of piling on a bunch of prerequisites and necessities. Stop agitating the water before you're even up to your waist. The pool isn't deep but if you go making enough waves to obscure your view of the bottom, it will look a lot more dangerous than it really is. Screw the videos, the opinions of others, the instruction books… You will never look back with regret when you just tried to do something yourself without sweating the details.
>do I have the power to fight all these negative personality traits of mine?
Yes you do Wiz.
>It's like I have to swim against the stream, run against a storm, climb up a mountain just to move forward
You're the one making the stream, the storm, and the mountain for yourself. If there's something you want to do, just dive in as you are now instead of piling on a bunch of prerequisites and necessities. Stop agitating the water before you're even up to your waist. The pool isn't deep but if you go making enough waves to obscure your view of the bottom, it will look a lot more dangerous than it really is. Screw the videos, the opinions of others, the instruction books… You will never look back with regret when you just tried to do something yourself without sweating the details.
>>286487
its very complicated!
varying levels of agency and intention!
we need our hearts to pump to stay alive
but do we control our heart?
very confusing it is inside the body
yoda
its very complicated!
varying levels of agency and intention!
we need our hearts to pump to stay alive
but do we control our heart?
very confusing it is inside the body
yoda
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my motorcycle broke down on the highway and i had to walk back home since I didn’t have my phone
every day god sends another curse my way
every day god sends another curse my way
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I just want someone to acknowledge what an exceptional retard I am for wasting years of my life on things that I hate despite having the self-awareness to recognize this but still being too weak to change my obviously destructive habits. Browsing imageboards while being tired of all the shallow 1-liners. Playing shitty gacha and online games.
All while I had a library card, the endless source of information that is the internet and games on steam from sales and a console I bought with some great games.
Like how can someone live so unconsciously despite being self-aware?
I could dive into a beautiful immersive 3D world but instead choose to play the same game and maps where I perform badly most of the time and get frustrated.
I could be watching a documentary about the world, do an online course, read a book written by a great mind but instead choose to read absolute "information" trash from people who are impulsively phoneposting and have no intention to seriously discuss anything.
Someone tell me if I am really an exceptionally wasteful person or if this is all more common than I think? How many people waste their time on literally nothing? Not socializing, not binge watching tv shows or playing (singleplayer) games but… just mindlessly pressing a button (F5) without even having any actual expectations of reading anything good based on experience of the low quality of posts.
All while I had a library card, the endless source of information that is the internet and games on steam from sales and a console I bought with some great games.
Like how can someone live so unconsciously despite being self-aware?
I could dive into a beautiful immersive 3D world but instead choose to play the same game and maps where I perform badly most of the time and get frustrated.
I could be watching a documentary about the world, do an online course, read a book written by a great mind but instead choose to read absolute "information" trash from people who are impulsively phoneposting and have no intention to seriously discuss anything.
Someone tell me if I am really an exceptionally wasteful person or if this is all more common than I think? How many people waste their time on literally nothing? Not socializing, not binge watching tv shows or playing (singleplayer) games but… just mindlessly pressing a button (F5) without even having any actual expectations of reading anything good based on experience of the low quality of posts.
>>286494
I'm sorry Wiz, there's nothing exceptional at that. It's a rather common pitfall many fall into it especially now in this information era, only difference is normos who dont get to do a thing are browsing their social media feed instead of imageboards.
Still I hope you get over your slump soon and do all those things you want to do.
I'm sorry Wiz, there's nothing exceptional at that. It's a rather common pitfall many fall into it especially now in this information era, only difference is normos who dont get to do a thing are browsing their social media feed instead of imageboards.
Still I hope you get over your slump soon and do all those things you want to do.
>>286487
External factors.
You don't choose to not feel pain when they shove a white hot metal rod down your pee pee hole.
External factors.
You don't choose to not feel pain when they shove a white hot metal rod down your pee pee hole.
it is the first time i actually, completely give up. my autistic obsession with getting things done at all cost doesn't work anymore. i can't. i don't care anymore. it's not ever my fault, i did everything i could. i know i am excusing right now but i don't give a fuck. it's just so sad and frustrating. i can't take any more of it. i feel so broken i actually discard possibilities to talk to competent normalfags in case they can help. i just laid down i write this post while cursing every single thing in this world. and i dared to have hope. never have hope, because when i dies you feel billion times worse and the god gets to enjoy it. i am so fucking frustrated right now. i wish i had a grenade to blow the shit out of me. you know, just because you are an autist who can spent 15 hours doing shit doesn't mean you're any useful. a regular normie will do the same crap in 2 hours and even spend 5 times less time to learn how. this feels like too much.
>>286494
You're an exceptional retard for wasting years of your life on things you hate despite having the self-awareness to recognize this but still being too weak to change your obviously destructive habits.
It's over. You're done.
You're an exceptional retard for wasting years of your life on things you hate despite having the self-awareness to recognize this but still being too weak to change your obviously destructive habits.
It's over. You're done.
>>286494
Simple answer is you like gacha games better than 3d games. If you had more fun with 3d games it would have sucked you in.
There are some 3d games that are beautiful and cinematic to watch on YT, but I wouldn't want to play myself.
Simple answer is you like gacha games better than 3d games. If you had more fun with 3d games it would have sucked you in.
There are some 3d games that are beautiful and cinematic to watch on YT, but I wouldn't want to play myself.
I saw the image here, but I can no longer find it. I’m wondering if anyone has it. It was text superimposed over an image of a rabbit, and it was basically saying that the sorrow of the prey outweighs the satisfaction of the predator does anyone have that please posted if you do.
it's nearly 1am. i want to sleep but i can hear mice (i hope it's mice and not rats) in my walls. i can't tell if they're beneath my bed or not and i'm terrified of them so it's tough to check. i feel so sad, this has been going on for a while. i don't eat in my room either, it's not (that) messy, there are a few socks on the floor but that's it.…i think it may because my room is close to the kitchen though. feels bad man. i've said this before a million times but i hope this job interview works out. i'm dreading it and looking forward to it and hoping time slows down while hoping time speeds up so i can get it over with.
nervous for that too though as i've never had an in person interview before and i'm ugly as sin. i have a chip in my front tooth and my front teeth are different lengths…god i hope it goes well regardless. i really need something to go well for me right now. yes i posted this in three different places. i am not doing well
nervous for that too though as i've never had an in person interview before and i'm ugly as sin. i have a chip in my front tooth and my front teeth are different lengths…god i hope it goes well regardless. i really need something to go well for me right now. yes i posted this in three different places. i am not doing well
>>286531
Don't.
No point in working more than the absolute bare minimum. They won't pay you more and you won't get recognition for it.
I've spent 5 years busting my ass with regular 12-14 hour days and it has brought me absolutely nothing.
Don't.
No point in working more than the absolute bare minimum. They won't pay you more and you won't get recognition for it.
I've spent 5 years busting my ass with regular 12-14 hour days and it has brought me absolutely nothing.
>>286534
>three different places
are there two more wizchans
>mice in walls
>fear of the mice
wiz i can relate so much just a while ago a scratching sound in a wall terrorized my sleep viciously
>three different places
are there two more wizchans
>mice in walls
>fear of the mice
wiz i can relate so much just a while ago a scratching sound in a wall terrorized my sleep viciously
I keep getting this sinking disappointment feeling constantly all day and it doesn't stop till I sleep. I can't focus on anything
>>286535
Same here, my min wage job keeps giving me mandatory overtime for the shitty holidays and barely anyone is here and makes us do most of the work with same pay. I’m fucking sick of giving a shit about my job and gonna do the bare minimum
Same here, my min wage job keeps giving me mandatory overtime for the shitty holidays and barely anyone is here and makes us do most of the work with same pay. I’m fucking sick of giving a shit about my job and gonna do the bare minimum
Keep waking up in the middle of the night or early morning in such discomfort that I am unable to fall asleep again. Heart racing, muscles spasming and twitching.
So stupid how depression makes you so mentally weak. I’m not depressed I can easily handle a dude driving like a psycho behind me honking his horn, nearly crashing in to a taxi, swearing from his window. He’s being an asshole for no reason, I can observe the emotional response, and just laugh at the absurdity. And it’s gone. In depression it cuts in to your brain like a spear and burns for hours.
Exact same thing, and it goes from the mildest annoyance of a fly landing on your arm to complete mental suffering. A true joke of a world.
Exact same thing, and it goes from the mildest annoyance of a fly landing on your arm to complete mental suffering. A true joke of a world.
>>286620
I think people who have long term depression like me overtime just lose it and don't care anymore. Everyone tells us to shut up and get over it, and then more corrupt and bad shit happens like why care anymore? We're gonna die, no one wants to fucking change or make the world better, just better themselves even if it means fucking over people or the planet. It's all a absurd mess and there is no winner, gonna have another drink or smoke fuck it.
I think people who have long term depression like me overtime just lose it and don't care anymore. Everyone tells us to shut up and get over it, and then more corrupt and bad shit happens like why care anymore? We're gonna die, no one wants to fucking change or make the world better, just better themselves even if it means fucking over people or the planet. It's all a absurd mess and there is no winner, gonna have another drink or smoke fuck it.
I'm not sure I understand why people hate on doomsday preppers so much. Or maybe I do!
…God, I wanna' live in a missile silo so bad.
…God, I wanna' live in a missile silo so bad.
I'd give Wikipedia-editing another shot if it weren't for those, y'know, those pesky little bastards in the aether. That one fucker with the spiky blond hair is particularly bothersome.
Now that I think about it… in retrospect: nothing that I learned during those thirteen years of compulsory education has proven to serve any practical use for me–especially considering that my family doesn't seem to really want me to have a job. My mother often tells me that in her country; she only went to school for two years and maybe only like once per week or every few weeks. I've asked her why it is that she's never bothered getting her high school diploma in the 50+ years that she's been living here in the US and she simply tells me that she's been busy taking care of me and my older brother. I wonder where she would be today if she never had children?
My father, too, has never gotten a high school diploma, nor a driver's license. Neither of my parents have learned to drive, but many of their siblings have.
Many of my cousins on my father's side of the family dropped out of school early on and never bothered taking the GED exam. One cousin in particular actually shamed me for not attending my free adult high school classes in our late-20s–despite the fact that I had already passed the GED exam and he had not. He was not taking any classes at the time, but I was. Many of my cousins went several years during their childhood without schooling–here in the US, even.
I have often times seen my mother struggle with basic arithmetic. She can barely write in her own language. And she managed to survive well into her 70s.
Where would I be today had I never gone to school? Depends on what I mean by "school", huh? Had I nobody to teach me about anything; I'd be like a feral primate, no? I wouldn't even be here writing this out to complain. I'd be scavenging for food or something.
My father, too, has never gotten a high school diploma, nor a driver's license. Neither of my parents have learned to drive, but many of their siblings have.
Many of my cousins on my father's side of the family dropped out of school early on and never bothered taking the GED exam. One cousin in particular actually shamed me for not attending my free adult high school classes in our late-20s–despite the fact that I had already passed the GED exam and he had not. He was not taking any classes at the time, but I was. Many of my cousins went several years during their childhood without schooling–here in the US, even.
I have often times seen my mother struggle with basic arithmetic. She can barely write in her own language. And she managed to survive well into her 70s.
Where would I be today had I never gone to school? Depends on what I mean by "school", huh? Had I nobody to teach me about anything; I'd be like a feral primate, no? I wouldn't even be here writing this out to complain. I'd be scavenging for food or something.
File: 1702343212140.pdf (6.22 MB, (Bradford Books) Prinz, Wo….pdf)
"Disorders of volition"
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very much deserve to die
dont have any sympathy for me
dont have any sympathy for me
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Male and female..
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I'm just a shitty person I guess a lot of the time
I want money but I don't want to work. Why do heirs don't need to work, but I do? Life is so unfair.
The communists might be onto something.
The communists might be onto something.
the more you fap the more you want to fap. the less you fap the more you want to fap. careful not to fall for it. break balance once, fix it for another month. why is life so complex
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For some reason I'm starting to get the feeling that neither video games nor virtual reality will ever be quite as fulfilling as we want them/it to be. Like we've reached the peak of entertainment or are very near it and it's unsatisfactory. Something to do with reincarnation or something or other.
>>286666
I realized the other day all of it is just hype to keep this dying economy afloat for just a little longer.
I realized the other day all of it is just hype to keep this dying economy afloat for just a little longer.
i must get started by i keep jerking off and playing minecraft what the fuck. in the back of my mind there are some sparks of care but they don't motivate me to get started. really better die than this. ahhh
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I thought that after wasting 10 years in isolation doing nothing at least I had my self-awareness to show for it only to realize that it's an illusion as it's merely my mind creating a narrative to try to make sense of how I feel and with no one to observe me there is no one to check if my self-assessment is distorted or not.
So actually I have truly nothing to show for all these wasted years. That was truly a punch in the gut.
So actually I have truly nothing to show for all these wasted years. That was truly a punch in the gut.
i'm again in this eerie state when it feels like time has slowed down and shit. can't phrase it. it's like i don't know. clock ticks but i don't feel it. what the fuck
why do people shill mindfulness
what the fuck is this shit
>sit down
>calm down
>sense your body
>breathe
>don't think
are you retarded
i do this all day
shit doesn't go away just because i don't think about it 5 minutes a day
it doesn't go away even if i don't think about it for days for that matter
what is the purpose of it
how do i rethink it in a way i don't repulse this meditation crap the moment i hear somebody advertising it
this is so stupid
what the fuck is this shit
>sit down
>calm down
>sense your body
>breathe
>don't think
are you retarded
i do this all day
shit doesn't go away just because i don't think about it 5 minutes a day
it doesn't go away even if i don't think about it for days for that matter
what is the purpose of it
how do i rethink it in a way i don't repulse this meditation crap the moment i hear somebody advertising it
this is so stupid
>>286678
Meditiation is more about training yourself to be more in control of your mind. Depression and anxiety only exists because your brain is predicting negative outcomes, and/or is stuck on something in the past. Meditation helps train you to not do that.
If you are a wiz like me who was depressed for so long that you forgot what you actually enjoy doing, it may seem like the meditation is pointless at first. Like how is having an empty and focused mind going to help you if you do nothing but goon to porn al day? It doesn't. You have to go through the entire process of rediscovering yourself to actually get the motivation to do stuff. Then once you have this motivation you realize the meditation has trained your brain to not hold you back, making it easier for you to accomplish what you want.
Meditiation is more about training yourself to be more in control of your mind. Depression and anxiety only exists because your brain is predicting negative outcomes, and/or is stuck on something in the past. Meditation helps train you to not do that.
If you are a wiz like me who was depressed for so long that you forgot what you actually enjoy doing, it may seem like the meditation is pointless at first. Like how is having an empty and focused mind going to help you if you do nothing but goon to porn al day? It doesn't. You have to go through the entire process of rediscovering yourself to actually get the motivation to do stuff. Then once you have this motivation you realize the meditation has trained your brain to not hold you back, making it easier for you to accomplish what you want.
>>286679
what is the primitive interface behind it?
for example, all mnemonics are based on brain's extreme ability to instantly memorize impressive images. proof: big yellow sheep are falling out of a gigantic tree. spend 0.1 seconds to imagine that clearly and you will not forget it in a lifetime.
can you do the same statement - immediate proof thing with meditation?
what is the primitive interface behind it?
for example, all mnemonics are based on brain's extreme ability to instantly memorize impressive images. proof: big yellow sheep are falling out of a gigantic tree. spend 0.1 seconds to imagine that clearly and you will not forget it in a lifetime.
can you do the same statement - immediate proof thing with meditation?
i hate being unable to even suppress this shit anymore. i just keep whining and that's disgusting. discovering yourself to be pathetic is true misery
i feel hatred fill me discarding any sparks of reason and ushering me into void. why can't ship sink instantly. why do i have to go through the agony of mind's decay
fuck
fuck
>>286680
Yeah, it does help to assign roles to parts of your brain to distance yourself from your thoughts. Personally I used a theater visualization when I started meditating. It went like this:
stage = the empty mind
actors = logical and emotional reasoning
props = your memories and experiences
director = your ego
audience = your emotional response to external stimuli
There is a big interplay between everyone here during the day. The actors use the props to act out the narrative that was created by the director. The audience reacts to the actors but they can also be unpredictable. They all influence one another. It is pretty chaotic if you just sit there as a member of the audience. You don't even pay attention to the stage while the play is in motion, but the stage has to exist to make everything happen.
When it comes time to meditate I become the guy telling everyone the show is over and time to go home. First it is the audience. That is easy. Just turn off the lights (close your eyes and enter a quiet space) and they tend to go away. Then it is the director. This is the guy behind the "I should be…" and "I am…" thoughts that may float around. Nope, get the fuck out of here sir you are done. Then there are the actors. Those are the ones who are throwing those reasoning thought at you from the director, usually tied to an emotion. "That succubus at the parking lot today grimaced at me because I am ugly." is something an actor would say. Cool beans, now get out of here you clown. Now you are just there with the props, your memories and experiences occupying your mind. Props can't leave but what you can do is look at them and put them away. If some thoughts bubble up because of that leftover prop you are trying to put away it is because an actor is still there. Everyone has to be gone. It can help to take on the role as a janitor who is cleaning up the props and sweeping the stage.
Eventually you will be left with the stage and your mind is free of thought. Eventually you will be able to drop the visualization and have a truly blank mind. At this point is where you are able to fall into a meditative state.
Yeah, it does help to assign roles to parts of your brain to distance yourself from your thoughts. Personally I used a theater visualization when I started meditating. It went like this:
stage = the empty mind
actors = logical and emotional reasoning
props = your memories and experiences
director = your ego
audience = your emotional response to external stimuli
There is a big interplay between everyone here during the day. The actors use the props to act out the narrative that was created by the director. The audience reacts to the actors but they can also be unpredictable. They all influence one another. It is pretty chaotic if you just sit there as a member of the audience. You don't even pay attention to the stage while the play is in motion, but the stage has to exist to make everything happen.
When it comes time to meditate I become the guy telling everyone the show is over and time to go home. First it is the audience. That is easy. Just turn off the lights (close your eyes and enter a quiet space) and they tend to go away. Then it is the director. This is the guy behind the "I should be…" and "I am…" thoughts that may float around. Nope, get the fuck out of here sir you are done. Then there are the actors. Those are the ones who are throwing those reasoning thought at you from the director, usually tied to an emotion. "That succubus at the parking lot today grimaced at me because I am ugly." is something an actor would say. Cool beans, now get out of here you clown. Now you are just there with the props, your memories and experiences occupying your mind. Props can't leave but what you can do is look at them and put them away. If some thoughts bubble up because of that leftover prop you are trying to put away it is because an actor is still there. Everyone has to be gone. It can help to take on the role as a janitor who is cleaning up the props and sweeping the stage.
Eventually you will be left with the stage and your mind is free of thought. Eventually you will be able to drop the visualization and have a truly blank mind. At this point is where you are able to fall into a meditative state.
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>What is a man?
I think this question is almost right up there with others like
>Does God exist?
I think this question is almost right up there with others like
>Does God exist?
HOLY SHIT
LIFE SUCKS SO FUCKING MUCH
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
LIFE SUCKS SO FUCKING MUCH
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
File: 1702535845538.jpg (27.86 KB, 539x370, 539:370, 65791.jpg) ImgOps iqdb
Every man is a suffering-machine and a happiness- machine combined. The two functions work together harmoniously, with a fine and delicate precision, on the give-and-take principle. For every happiness turned out in the one department the other stands ready to modify it with a sorrow or a pain–maybe a dozen. In most cases the man’s life is about equally divided between happiness and unhappiness. When this is not the case the unhappiness predominates–always; never the other. Sometimes a man’s make and disposition are such that his misery- machine is able to do nearly all the business. Such a man goes through life almost ignorant of what happiness is. Everything he touches, everything he does, brings a misfortune upon him. You have seen such people? To that kind of a person life is not an advantage, is it? It is only a disaster. Sometimes for an hour’s happiness a man’s machinery makes him pay years of misery.
TLDR: I am going to try and finish this anime, even if I blame it for my newfound bad luck anyway.
TLDR: I am going to try and finish this anime, even if I blame it for my newfound bad luck anyway.
>>286690
very interesting observation. sometimes however you (like me) just live on a kind of autopilot where you are only vaguely aware of your emotions and don't really feel like you feel them at all. i am not sure how this fits in your model, because even misery doesn't feel like misery but like something else. this shit is so hard to explain i always try not to think about it because holy shit
very interesting observation. sometimes however you (like me) just live on a kind of autopilot where you are only vaguely aware of your emotions and don't really feel like you feel them at all. i am not sure how this fits in your model, because even misery doesn't feel like misery but like something else. this shit is so hard to explain i always try not to think about it because holy shit
Again and again and again and again and again and again and wageslave and again and again and again and again againanananaiaianangaiaianangaiaiangaianangiaianangiaan888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888
I've become so fucking cold and inhuman. I'm entirely hollow. I can't remember if I was always like this or it's a result of the life I've lived. I feel no warmth towards other people, no empathy, no connection. Not even my towards my family. The only desire i have in life is dead. I saw my father for the first time in 8 years. The first thing I noticed is that his health has noticeably deteriorated. The second thing I noticed was that I felt no sadness or sympathy at my noticing. The immediate feeling I had was, "Once he's gone, im 50% of the way to being able to kill myself without feeling guilty". That's it. That's all that's left in me. I vowed to at least wait until both of my parents pass away before killing myself. Maybe i was always fucked in the head, or maybe life made me this way. It doesn't matter.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa
almost done for today
fuck this shit
i hate it when my brain just doesn't compute
i don't know what's the word for it. borked, maybe. definitely not barked :D
fuck this shit
i hate it when my brain just doesn't compute
i don't know what's the word for it. borked, maybe. definitely not barked :D
i look a dumb tv show and smile full face because hurr durr funny. i knew people become dumber as they grow but does a child even suspect he's gonna grow into a degenerate as well? i didn't
>>286676
That scene really gets to me. Like something one of my mental health care providers might say. Not in those exact words, but yeah.
That scene really gets to me. Like something one of my mental health care providers might say. Not in those exact words, but yeah.
All of a sudden I got a brief panic attack as I recalled speeding at 100 miles per hour on a freeway back in 2011.
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O_o
Sheesh, Scotland.
Do you want the radicals from across the pond to evolve??
Sheesh, Scotland.
Do you want the radicals from across the pond to evolve??
>>286744
radicals are so disgusting. really so degenerate that the only thing they are capable of doing is ushering into slaughter. i'm thankful i don't have to live in gb such a shitty degenerate place. even your tv series about police are filled with degeneracy.
radicals are so disgusting. really so degenerate that the only thing they are capable of doing is ushering into slaughter. i'm thankful i don't have to live in gb such a shitty degenerate place. even your tv series about police are filled with degeneracy.
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Is there significant benefit for a wizzie in living alone (small apartment, no parents). I COULD pull it off, if I really work hard for the whole year of 2024.
I would be ,honestly, tempted to do drugs or get drunk daily or other horrible habits. but I would have so much inner peace, "no bedtime", more symbolic and spiritual freedom ,etc
I could leave the apartment, spend 20 hours outside hanging around the city, then come back at 7AM next day. No one to owe an explanation to.
I would be ,honestly, tempted to do drugs or get drunk daily or other horrible habits. but I would have so much inner peace, "no bedtime", more symbolic and spiritual freedom ,etc
I could leave the apartment, spend 20 hours outside hanging around the city, then come back at 7AM next day. No one to owe an explanation to.
>>286773
only do it if you plan on improving your wizlife. bad habits do bad things. but if you avoid self destruction for the sake of little euphoria, your own apartment is a solid step in building up a safe wizplace to live in. you can make it. i believe in you
only do it if you plan on improving your wizlife. bad habits do bad things. but if you avoid self destruction for the sake of little euphoria, your own apartment is a solid step in building up a safe wizplace to live in. you can make it. i believe in you
>>286777
have you ever tried watching motivational videos or body doubling? you could edit the green screen to show anything you want
have you ever tried watching motivational videos or body doubling? you could edit the green screen to show anything you want
I am sincerely most happy when I have no obligations to see people. The longer I won't have to see anyone, the better. It's actually the only times when I feel relaxed. I even have friends, but I feel better when I don't have to see them. I suppose I should stop having friends.
>>286777
It's for the best. If you were truly interested in those subjects or you saw any tangible benefit from it, you wouldn't have to force yourself.
It's for the best. If you were truly interested in those subjects or you saw any tangible benefit from it, you wouldn't have to force yourself.
>>286785
is this true for you? most people ive researched seem to have to force themselves at least somewhat especially when the habit is not yet solidified. if its true for you you must be very successful or even if not i am somewhat jealous, unless this is just an excuse for not doing hard rewarding things, then i pity you
is this true for you? most people ive researched seem to have to force themselves at least somewhat especially when the habit is not yet solidified. if its true for you you must be very successful or even if not i am somewhat jealous, unless this is just an excuse for not doing hard rewarding things, then i pity you
Voices in my head once again show how useless they are by pretending to be useful by asking, "so what?" in regards to me questioning whether or not I might be taking too much Advil.
I guess it's too much trouble for them that I make sure I'm taking the correct doses?
I guess it's too much trouble for them that I make sure I'm taking the correct doses?
>>286786
I think the habit thing is a misconception. You can force yourself for a brief time to do something but it's not sustainable. You either find something worthwhile and rewarding in the activity or you don't. That's why there's no set number of days/repetitions to make a "habit", because it's not guaranteed you personally will get something out of it. Or that it will last.
Forcing yourself to study a subject because you have some abstract notion that it's "good for you" is not really going to work. You have to demonstrate value to yourself. If you don't have a burning curiosity, if you don't see the knowledge paying off, then you're basically just forcing your brain to work for free and it will make it painful for you. If I had some burning question or problem in my mind, then I didn't have to force myself to go through even the most boring, dry research paper if there was a chance that it contained what I needed.
I think the habit thing is a misconception. You can force yourself for a brief time to do something but it's not sustainable. You either find something worthwhile and rewarding in the activity or you don't. That's why there's no set number of days/repetitions to make a "habit", because it's not guaranteed you personally will get something out of it. Or that it will last.
Forcing yourself to study a subject because you have some abstract notion that it's "good for you" is not really going to work. You have to demonstrate value to yourself. If you don't have a burning curiosity, if you don't see the knowledge paying off, then you're basically just forcing your brain to work for free and it will make it painful for you. If I had some burning question or problem in my mind, then I didn't have to force myself to go through even the most boring, dry research paper if there was a chance that it contained what I needed.
>>286788
>theres no guarantee a habit will be formed
yes
>forcing yourself to study something based on an abstract notion will not work
works for me, and plenty of people with educations, so im not sure where you get this idea. we live in a society with mandatory education and as you correctly recognize not everyone has a burning curiosity. many people learn useful, boring and difficult things for the pay off and not because of intrinsic curiosity of the subject at hand. if this werent the case professions like accounting would have a tenth or less of people trained in it then that actually are.
demonstrated value for educations tend to happen after the education takes place, so how does your view reconcile this with the motivation deriving from abstract notion of benefit? its not as if you can derive the benefits of an education until you have undergone the required training, unless as you recognize, youre a rare individual with a topically relevant curiosity.
>theres no guarantee a habit will be formed
yes
>forcing yourself to study something based on an abstract notion will not work
works for me, and plenty of people with educations, so im not sure where you get this idea. we live in a society with mandatory education and as you correctly recognize not everyone has a burning curiosity. many people learn useful, boring and difficult things for the pay off and not because of intrinsic curiosity of the subject at hand. if this werent the case professions like accounting would have a tenth or less of people trained in it then that actually are.
demonstrated value for educations tend to happen after the education takes place, so how does your view reconcile this with the motivation deriving from abstract notion of benefit? its not as if you can derive the benefits of an education until you have undergone the required training, unless as you recognize, youre a rare individual with a topically relevant curiosity.
>>286789
Yes, you can generate some amount of sterile motivation but it's not sustainable. Payoffs come in all shapes and sizes, and they really depend on the individual and what gets them going. We can only theorize on what drives people to get through the public education system, perhaps things like fear of punishment from their parents and teachers, keeping up a certain appearance of being smart, fear about the future if they don't get good grades and many other tangible things. Of course, this very rarely makes them study the subjects earnestly and deeply, this only helps them scramble the night before a test to cram as much useless info to regurgitate in the morning and then promptly forget once the summer comes. Abstract goals are cool, but they don't drive you as much as you think - and you only really notice when you find yourself blocked, having every reason to do something, but being unable to because in reality, it all might as well be magic fairy dust.
In my experience, the things I was genuinely interested in and gave me some tangible physical or emotional benefit, I never had to force myself to do. It made sense, my mind was aligned perfectly with the task and the effort didn't feel difficult. I've studied programming, philosophy, psychology, several languages, without a problem, when the reward was there. But also failed to generate motivation for many other things that I wish I could, like mathematics, drawing, exercise, socializing, even video games tbh. I end up giving up after a week because there's just nothing to grab unto. And that's fine, I can always revisit these things at a later point in my life when they become relevant or the stars align better i.e. I find people worth socializing with, a sport that I really like, I find a problem that drives me crazy and I decide to dive deep into the mathematics etc.
Yes, you can generate some amount of sterile motivation but it's not sustainable. Payoffs come in all shapes and sizes, and they really depend on the individual and what gets them going. We can only theorize on what drives people to get through the public education system, perhaps things like fear of punishment from their parents and teachers, keeping up a certain appearance of being smart, fear about the future if they don't get good grades and many other tangible things. Of course, this very rarely makes them study the subjects earnestly and deeply, this only helps them scramble the night before a test to cram as much useless info to regurgitate in the morning and then promptly forget once the summer comes. Abstract goals are cool, but they don't drive you as much as you think - and you only really notice when you find yourself blocked, having every reason to do something, but being unable to because in reality, it all might as well be magic fairy dust.
In my experience, the things I was genuinely interested in and gave me some tangible physical or emotional benefit, I never had to force myself to do. It made sense, my mind was aligned perfectly with the task and the effort didn't feel difficult. I've studied programming, philosophy, psychology, several languages, without a problem, when the reward was there. But also failed to generate motivation for many other things that I wish I could, like mathematics, drawing, exercise, socializing, even video games tbh. I end up giving up after a week because there's just nothing to grab unto. And that's fine, I can always revisit these things at a later point in my life when they become relevant or the stars align better i.e. I find people worth socializing with, a sport that I really like, I find a problem that drives me crazy and I decide to dive deep into the mathematics etc.
>>286792
sterile motivation? theres no qualitative difference between interest and abstract motivation this just seems to be propaganda to limit wizards. discipline can be grown. if your experience is anything its how youve allowed self limiting views to guide your behavior.
sterile motivation? theres no qualitative difference between interest and abstract motivation this just seems to be propaganda to limit wizards. discipline can be grown. if your experience is anything its how youve allowed self limiting views to guide your behavior.
>>286793
You sound like some life coach guru, or someone overdosing on their content. If that crap works for you, then all the more power to you, sensei. Personally, I think discipline is a blunt tool, it's when you bash your head against the door in order to open it. You get more enjoyment out of your work and better results when it just flows out of you.
Made me remember this poem by Bukowski.
You sound like some life coach guru, or someone overdosing on their content. If that crap works for you, then all the more power to you, sensei. Personally, I think discipline is a blunt tool, it's when you bash your head against the door in order to open it. You get more enjoyment out of your work and better results when it just flows out of you.
Made me remember this poem by Bukowski.
>>286794
bukowski isnt much different from a modern life coach. youre welcome to believe whatever you like, but it seems to be that they limit your growth and youre emotionally attached to your inability to grow.
bukowski isnt much different from a modern life coach. youre welcome to believe whatever you like, but it seems to be that they limit your growth and youre emotionally attached to your inability to grow.
>>286795
Not really, it's just a different mindset than you're used to. The brute-force discipline approach is quite popular these days. Hustle and grind and all that. I get it, just doesn't work for me. Maybe it doesn't work for anyone, but people like repeating it to themselves a lot and on the Internet.
I think things are more complex. You can't will yourself into a state of flow. It just happens when the right conditions are achieved. If you're blocked and hit a wall, you should stop and re-evaluate, something is not working. Maybe you even need to give up for a while. I know, blasphemous idea in the motivational bro sphere, but sometimes you walk away from a problem, take a walk, a shower, and something new comes to you. I don't think that's limiting your growth, it's more like right growth at the right time, perhaps acknowledging that your own "willpower" is not the only variable at play.
Not really, it's just a different mindset than you're used to. The brute-force discipline approach is quite popular these days. Hustle and grind and all that. I get it, just doesn't work for me. Maybe it doesn't work for anyone, but people like repeating it to themselves a lot and on the Internet.
I think things are more complex. You can't will yourself into a state of flow. It just happens when the right conditions are achieved. If you're blocked and hit a wall, you should stop and re-evaluate, something is not working. Maybe you even need to give up for a while. I know, blasphemous idea in the motivational bro sphere, but sometimes you walk away from a problem, take a walk, a shower, and something new comes to you. I don't think that's limiting your growth, it's more like right growth at the right time, perhaps acknowledging that your own "willpower" is not the only variable at play.
>>286796
what do you posit works for all the people with educations on topics they arent interested? it seems clear to me that its habit formation and discipline.
flow is like peace, you cant create it, you can only decide to not break it, and again this is where discipline, practice and habits come into play. you can notice if you want to do something else and go back to the task at hand, without practice this will likely break your flow, but with practice you will eventually have a habitual reflex to ignore distractions and return to the designated topic.
what do you posit works for all the people with educations on topics they arent interested? it seems clear to me that its habit formation and discipline.
flow is like peace, you cant create it, you can only decide to not break it, and again this is where discipline, practice and habits come into play. you can notice if you want to do something else and go back to the task at hand, without practice this will likely break your flow, but with practice you will eventually have a habitual reflex to ignore distractions and return to the designated topic.
Helping mom get out of her chair and onto the bedside commode. It hurts her too much to stand up. She weeps for 10 minutes while I pat/stroke/rub her head to help her relax. In between crying she laments that God hates her and begs God for mercy.
This depresses me so much that I just want to scream and die or cease existing or something. But I have to reassure her that this pain is just temporary, that we'll get through it, that it'll get easier in time. If I break down then what will that do to her?
Nothing good has ever come from existence. I've been with her through a lot of worse things but this scenario just hurts my soul so much. I don't want to be real anymore.
This depresses me so much that I just want to scream and die or cease existing or something. But I have to reassure her that this pain is just temporary, that we'll get through it, that it'll get easier in time. If I break down then what will that do to her?
Nothing good has ever come from existence. I've been with her through a lot of worse things but this scenario just hurts my soul so much. I don't want to be real anymore.
>>286798
you'll manage wiz. trust me. you have the power to endure it. you will do it. it is hard, but you have everything you need. it is not going to be a thing you'd want to ever live through again, but this time you will withstand. ganbatte!
you'll manage wiz. trust me. you have the power to endure it. you will do it. it is hard, but you have everything you need. it is not going to be a thing you'd want to ever live through again, but this time you will withstand. ganbatte!
>>286796
brain seeks a way of the least stress and the highest benefit, even if this means self harm in long term perspective. brain only ever evaluates the immediate result, what happens next is up to rational institution of the consciousness to calculate. do with this information what you will.
brain seeks a way of the least stress and the highest benefit, even if this means self harm in long term perspective. brain only ever evaluates the immediate result, what happens next is up to rational institution of the consciousness to calculate. do with this information what you will.
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>>286797
>>286796
Let me help you skip all the time wasting on pedagogical theory:
As a Wiz that learned both Jap (boring as shit for the first 6 months) and programming (did it for the money) what actually works is repeatedly smashing your head into practical projects. That is making shitty applications for programming and lots of jdrama/ anime for Jap.
As long as you keep repeating and proceeding forward you will inevitably pick up bits and pieces on the way and maybe even find what you're trying to do somewhat interesting. Reading textbooks isn't good for anything.
Motivation is fleeting.
Willpower is bullshit.
Discipline is for fags.
Going Machine mode and repeating no matter what is the way.
Also Adderall.
>>286796
Let me help you skip all the time wasting on pedagogical theory:
As a Wiz that learned both Jap (boring as shit for the first 6 months) and programming (did it for the money) what actually works is repeatedly smashing your head into practical projects. That is making shitty applications for programming and lots of jdrama/ anime for Jap.
As long as you keep repeating and proceeding forward you will inevitably pick up bits and pieces on the way and maybe even find what you're trying to do somewhat interesting. Reading textbooks isn't good for anything.
Motivation is fleeting.
Willpower is bullshit.
Discipline is for fags.
Going Machine mode and repeating no matter what is the way.
Also Adderall.
File: 1702797010423.webm (3.99 MB, 1280x720, 16:9, machine thing.webm) ImgOps iqdb
>>286803
Yes.
Willpower is for the mentally ill stoic.
Discipline is for the superstitious self-improover.
Machine mode is for Machines. You DO, because you have to and you will keep DOING. There isn't even space to comprehend the alternatives or the "unpleasantness" of the situation. Keep Repeating for 16 hours straight until it is simply complete. Follow instructions.
Yes.
Willpower is for the mentally ill stoic.
Discipline is for the superstitious self-improover.
Machine mode is for Machines. You DO, because you have to and you will keep DOING. There isn't even space to comprehend the alternatives or the "unpleasantness" of the situation. Keep Repeating for 16 hours straight until it is simply complete. Follow instructions.
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7 Blossoms tea is not too shabby when it comes to releiving anxiety…
Though you are left wondering why you didn't consider it earlier (even if it's mostly due to also being an adequate melatonin substitute).
Though you are left wondering why you didn't consider it earlier (even if it's mostly due to also being an adequate melatonin substitute).
>>286805
sounds like willpower to me, just under a new name of machine mode. a willpower by any other name would be just sweet. a
sounds like willpower to me, just under a new name of machine mode. a willpower by any other name would be just sweet. a
All these posts about studying, learning and achieving stuff, self improvement, implementing habits, will power, discipline, machine power, Adderall, and so on, make me remember that this place is also just full of high functioning normal people who also happen to not have had sex yet. There's no place on the internet for truly defeated people. Better to stay offline.
>>286814
I agree but even the mods here now define wizards as being crabs and losers only:
>>>/wiz/213635
>>>/wiz/213663
>Volcels are wizards only if they choose the reclusive lifestyle, otherwise they become celibe for religious or other reasons and thus can't be a wizard
>You can't be successful and be a wizard.
I agree but even the mods here now define wizards as being crabs and losers only:
>>>/wiz/213635
>>>/wiz/213663
>Volcels are wizards only if they choose the reclusive lifestyle, otherwise they become celibe for religious or other reasons and thus can't be a wizard
>You can't be successful and be a wizard.
this is because you take it wrong. everyone wants to create a place for people with whom he wants to identify. creating and moderating an imageboard in $current_year is something only a very miserable or fucked person would do. anybody who is not completely, hopelessly fucked will not endure the hardship of being a mod for free. thus mods are by definition the ones with the most extreme and edge mentality. either that or lolcow normgroids grinding profit like 4tard.
now we have two camps. one is enormous normalfag megalopolis, the other is wizardchan and derivatives. there are subcamps like lainchan, but it basically consists of the two mentioned camps.
now anyone who is in between, that is does not identify with normalniggers and their filthy lifestyle, does not have sex, and does not think his life is a complete, hopeless, unamendable horror, is basically doomed to stay astray until he dies or joins either camp.
for this reason, if wizards tell you they are miserable by definition – it is truly so. they are so, they are programmed to be so, and they will never cease to be so. misery their quint essence. and they – just as you – want a place for themselves, a place where happy/successful/whatever tards will be missing. and you can't deprive them of it. and don't call yourself wizard. you just want to identity with somebody. there are none. you will be completely, utterly alone until the end of your days. either that, or break you mentality and join either camp, discard your vision of the world and embrace that of people you want to join. it is a choice. it is disgusting how you spend threads gaslighting each other about wizardry when every one of your is a SELF CLAIMED wizard. you just want a personality, you see this site and you are like oooh cool a site for virgins i will be virgin for a while so yeeey ama wizaaard!!!! no lad, you're the fuck anything but not a wizard unless you are completely buried face down in the dirt. you're just another failed clown that seeks a circus that would be glad to see him. stop this. it doesn't make sense, you cuck. the world isn't there to provide a comfy place for you. if you can't identify with anyone, then you're an average joe. i think im going too far but the point is clear. don't hijack definitions just because of your self image. you're merely a kid who's afraid to find himself out cold. don't be. this is how an average person goes by through this life. im loosing the track of it, so ill end the post here.
now we have two camps. one is enormous normalfag megalopolis, the other is wizardchan and derivatives. there are subcamps like lainchan, but it basically consists of the two mentioned camps.
now anyone who is in between, that is does not identify with normalniggers and their filthy lifestyle, does not have sex, and does not think his life is a complete, hopeless, unamendable horror, is basically doomed to stay astray until he dies or joins either camp.
for this reason, if wizards tell you they are miserable by definition – it is truly so. they are so, they are programmed to be so, and they will never cease to be so. misery their quint essence. and they – just as you – want a place for themselves, a place where happy/successful/whatever tards will be missing. and you can't deprive them of it. and don't call yourself wizard. you just want to identity with somebody. there are none. you will be completely, utterly alone until the end of your days. either that, or break you mentality and join either camp, discard your vision of the world and embrace that of people you want to join. it is a choice. it is disgusting how you spend threads gaslighting each other about wizardry when every one of your is a SELF CLAIMED wizard. you just want a personality, you see this site and you are like oooh cool a site for virgins i will be virgin for a while so yeeey ama wizaaard!!!! no lad, you're the fuck anything but not a wizard unless you are completely buried face down in the dirt. you're just another failed clown that seeks a circus that would be glad to see him. stop this. it doesn't make sense, you cuck. the world isn't there to provide a comfy place for you. if you can't identify with anyone, then you're an average joe. i think im going too far but the point is clear. don't hijack definitions just because of your self image. you're merely a kid who's afraid to find himself out cold. don't be. this is how an average person goes by through this life. im loosing the track of it, so ill end the post here.
that is to say you are so scared of finding out that after all this years you have no identity that you basically hijack entire cultures, claim yourself to be whatever the fuck but your real self and as the result you make life miserable for everyone. you are happy? nice, now btfo please, dear sir, you're not welcome. but of course you won't. you'll instead just get butthurt and start gaslighting how wizardry is about virginity only when whores are only 50 euro in Germany. you are filthy fucking failed faggots. your brain is too stupid to understand that everyone fucking wants a place for himself and his kind. you are fucking assault other's homes and fucking claim yourself to be the rightful inhabitant. fucking niggers. gtfo
>>286066
I feel like I’m close to leaving, finally got a job interview for a state level position. Basic “desktop technician” role — there’s a skills test that I’m leery about but the recruiter said it would be basic.
…I have another lined up but I really don’t want it wiz, it’s so social and perky.
I feel like I’m close to leaving, finally got a job interview for a state level position. Basic “desktop technician” role — there’s a skills test that I’m leery about but the recruiter said it would be basic.
…I have another lined up but I really don’t want it wiz, it’s so social and perky.
>>286801
Interesting. Sounds like you've managed to combine discipline, blindly bashing your head against the wall repeatedly until something gives, with dissociation, so you no longer feel what's happening. Reminiscent of the soldiers charging into battle, completely detached from themselves and their emotions, armed with a rifle and singular goal. Also, abusing psychoactive drugs, so that you can bash your head twice as faster and harder.
Machine mode, indeed. A very inefficient one that continually jams, but as time goes on, the parts where the wheels get stuck, eventually give way as they are eroded from the friction, finally they manage to make a full cycle, it's working somehow but still makes that weird noise.
6 months before you found something tangible in studying Japanese. What else could you have done with that time and energy? We might never know.
>>286800
What "self-harm" comes to you if you do not force yourself to study a subject you don't find interesting or worthwhile? You might fail out of some academic educational program for not being able to generate enough sterile motivation to care, but is it a bad thing truly? Maybe it just wasn't for you, and your persistent "laziness" saved from a life you didn't want. So many people force themselves to follow certain conventional paths only to regret them much later.
Don't do it. If it doesn't come pouring out of you unasked, don't do it.
Interesting. Sounds like you've managed to combine discipline, blindly bashing your head against the wall repeatedly until something gives, with dissociation, so you no longer feel what's happening. Reminiscent of the soldiers charging into battle, completely detached from themselves and their emotions, armed with a rifle and singular goal. Also, abusing psychoactive drugs, so that you can bash your head twice as faster and harder.
Machine mode, indeed. A very inefficient one that continually jams, but as time goes on, the parts where the wheels get stuck, eventually give way as they are eroded from the friction, finally they manage to make a full cycle, it's working somehow but still makes that weird noise.
6 months before you found something tangible in studying Japanese. What else could you have done with that time and energy? We might never know.
>>286800
What "self-harm" comes to you if you do not force yourself to study a subject you don't find interesting or worthwhile? You might fail out of some academic educational program for not being able to generate enough sterile motivation to care, but is it a bad thing truly? Maybe it just wasn't for you, and your persistent "laziness" saved from a life you didn't want. So many people force themselves to follow certain conventional paths only to regret them much later.
Don't do it. If it doesn't come pouring out of you unasked, don't do it.
>>286824
>What "self-harm" comes to you if you do not force yourself to study a subject you don't find interesting or worthwhile?
i told you decide what to do with that info for yourself. your life is completely up to you, just be aware that easy rewards and immediate pleasure/satisfaction are top priority and this order of evaluation influences you much, much more than you can imagine. just a bit of self awareness to be aware of.
>What "self-harm" comes to you if you do not force yourself to study a subject you don't find interesting or worthwhile?
i told you decide what to do with that info for yourself. your life is completely up to you, just be aware that easy rewards and immediate pleasure/satisfaction are top priority and this order of evaluation influences you much, much more than you can imagine. just a bit of self awareness to be aware of.
>>286825
Very ominous warning. I've heard it repeated many times in many places and nothing could be farther from the truth. You should pay attention when things bring easy rewards and immediate pleasure and satisfaction, because it means you're lucky. It means you're on the right track. You should also pay attention when things are hard, not flowing, painful, because it's often a sign that this is not the right way.
Very ominous warning. I've heard it repeated many times in many places and nothing could be farther from the truth. You should pay attention when things bring easy rewards and immediate pleasure and satisfaction, because it means you're lucky. It means you're on the right track. You should also pay attention when things are hard, not flowing, painful, because it's often a sign that this is not the right way.
>>286826
>nothing could be farther from the truth
then the rest of your post implies it is true. very nice of you
>nothing could be farther from the truth
then the rest of your post implies it is true. very nice of you
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shit nigga
i want to die
i want to die
Little bastards are at it again. I think they want me to pick a fight with my brother or something.
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>progressing in fields that i find suitable
>feeling good
>get a bunch of youtube recs telling me why those things are stupid and bad
lol
>feeling good
>get a bunch of youtube recs telling me why those things are stupid and bad
lol
>>286837
if big tech had their way you would never self improve, never progress, never learn, only consume content from the likes of Mr. Beast. they want you to be poor and retarded, but you dont have to do what they want and youre more powerful then their video suggestions. good luck wizbro`
if big tech had their way you would never self improve, never progress, never learn, only consume content from the likes of Mr. Beast. they want you to be poor and retarded, but you dont have to do what they want and youre more powerful then their video suggestions. good luck wizbro`
Mr. Sandman hinted at the idea of inducing a lucid dream set in Coruscant a few days ago.
I've been asking for this for something like four years.
It has yet to happen.
I've been asking for this for something like four years.
It has yet to happen.
>>286842
I had a dream recently where someone said "you think that life is about achieving the best possible outcome, but it's not, life is about more than that". It struck me as somewhat deep and meaningful at the time.
I had a dream recently where someone said "you think that life is about achieving the best possible outcome, but it's not, life is about more than that". It struck me as somewhat deep and meaningful at the time.
And then the depression lifts
And being conscious itself is no longer painful
The mind is capable of a sense of control and will
And living is bearable
And you know how much your life is completely dominated by material states
And it doesn’t matter because the states are in your favour now
And you have a mind that can access tolerable reality
And believe what you want
True slaves of the demiurge
And being conscious itself is no longer painful
The mind is capable of a sense of control and will
And living is bearable
And you know how much your life is completely dominated by material states
And it doesn’t matter because the states are in your favour now
And you have a mind that can access tolerable reality
And believe what you want
True slaves of the demiurge
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there was a guy asking for a picture that says 'agony of a prey is far greater than the pleasure of the devourer'. i don't remember where you asked the question by if drop by in this thread i found it for you
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Me at my desk writing a 500,000 word essay on why I'm a retard.
what would you do if all routes led to unpredictable but long term suffering? some routes lead to probable death. i don't know. it's really hard to choose when every choice bodes nothing but hopelessness, so you kinda wonder if it's worth the trouble at all
>>286859
All routes DO lead to death. There is no route where death does not arrive sooner or later. So you might as well just pick one.
All routes DO lead to death. There is no route where death does not arrive sooner or later. So you might as well just pick one.
>>286859
you're gonna suffer either way, its a truth lots of people avoid and wished I knew sooner. You'll be dammed if you do or don't anyways.
you're gonna suffer either way, its a truth lots of people avoid and wished I knew sooner. You'll be dammed if you do or don't anyways.
I just don’t understand anything. My ignorance is just overwhelming. I don’t understand people, or society, or friends, or sex, or all these other things. I’m not a stupid person, I’m able to talk to other people reasonably well. But I just don’t get “it”, whatever “it” is.
>>286874
thanks man
of course i'm asking just for fun
in reality i'm a very fulfilled person, happy and not desperate at all
thanks again
thanks man
of course i'm asking just for fun
in reality i'm a very fulfilled person, happy and not desperate at all
thanks again
>>286798
My mother passed away in July from cancer that progressed to her brain. When she was in the hospital I was driving three hours round-trip to spend some time with her, while working full time and only getting a few hours sleep each day. After she came home for hospice care I took care of her by myself as we had no other close family. We had a nurse visit twice a week, primarily to prescribe her morphine. She was bedridden and I had to do literally everything for her (feeding, cleaning, etc.) while watching her mental state gradually deteriorate and lose touch with reality. I was thankfully able to be there with her when she passed; it wasn't while I was a work, so she didn't have to die alone. So I understand what you are going through and you aren't the only person who has had to shoulder a burden like this. I think I did a decent job caring for her, but looking back on it I still think that there were things I could have done better, that I could have been more compassionate and patient, and I regret it deeply. I don't know if reading any of this helps or not. I hope you are able to stay strong and be there for her, especially if she has no one else like in my situation.
My mother passed away in July from cancer that progressed to her brain. When she was in the hospital I was driving three hours round-trip to spend some time with her, while working full time and only getting a few hours sleep each day. After she came home for hospice care I took care of her by myself as we had no other close family. We had a nurse visit twice a week, primarily to prescribe her morphine. She was bedridden and I had to do literally everything for her (feeding, cleaning, etc.) while watching her mental state gradually deteriorate and lose touch with reality. I was thankfully able to be there with her when she passed; it wasn't while I was a work, so she didn't have to die alone. So I understand what you are going through and you aren't the only person who has had to shoulder a burden like this. I think I did a decent job caring for her, but looking back on it I still think that there were things I could have done better, that I could have been more compassionate and patient, and I regret it deeply. I don't know if reading any of this helps or not. I hope you are able to stay strong and be there for her, especially if she has no one else like in my situation.
Does anyone know this YouTube video which is like everybody dies or you will die, it’s in sepia maybe. And you one day will also be dead.
>>286883
>I regret it deeply
don't. you did everything you could, believe it. it's just your brain guilt tripping you because it doesn't like unhappy ends. don't let it gnaw at you. you did a good job and can be proud of it.
>I regret it deeply
don't. you did everything you could, believe it. it's just your brain guilt tripping you because it doesn't like unhappy ends. don't let it gnaw at you. you did a good job and can be proud of it.
>>286893
Thanks for your kind words. I know my mother wouldn't want me to feel that way either. I try not to dwell on it but sometimes it hits me during one of my depressive spells.
Thanks for your kind words. I know my mother wouldn't want me to feel that way either. I try not to dwell on it but sometimes it hits me during one of my depressive spells.
Sometimes i hate my mother. She's the type to drag anyone with her to her misery. I mentioned i wanna go back to school to get a bachelor's degree and was met with silence. No, "yes son it's a good idea". Nothing, that silence i felt all my life when i want to improve myself. Well fuck you you dumb cunt, you cant even read!! everyone needs to do everything for you!!! i hope you suffer you bitch!!! useless cunt!!!!I will make you BEG if you want something, i'll passive aggressivnes the fuck out of you. You want and see MOM!! FFFFFFFFFFFUCK YOU!!
>>286664
i find the more i fap the less i want to because i get bored of the content, and no, my tastes have not deviated or become more extreme at any point
i find the more i fap the less i want to because i get bored of the content, and no, my tastes have not deviated or become more extreme at any point
>>286909
after a few days you want again. true level of consistency is a rigid schedule with at least two weeks in between. you can't imagine what peace of mind a schedule brings
after a few days you want again. true level of consistency is a rigid schedule with at least two weeks in between. you can't imagine what peace of mind a schedule brings
>>286038
I think I’ve finally had it. The anhedonia, the avolition, the delusion that there is a humanity and not mostly just a bunch of scheming borderline solipsistic narcissists. This universe is just a costume for biological determinism and I’ve pretty much lost all interest in life as a result. I have afforded more faith in others than I should reasonably allow between the blatant death stares and exclusion and generally letting me know that they have inferred everything there is to know by merely looking at me. I pretty much can’t handle anything beyond horizontally rotting with a screen in my squalid little subsidized apartment.
I hate to admit it but a little part of me still yearns for some acceptance and I wish I could just dissolve that stupid delusion. Living in a city when you seem to invite disdain for existing fucking SUCKS, I always feel hyper vigilant even in my own place. I don’t know if it’s like this for regular people but seeing pretty much anybody I don’t know makes me automatically anticipate an attack and I act with extreme self consciousness. I can’t fucking help it, I start manually walking and breathing.
So basically I don’t feel safe anywhere and I have no source of reprieve really besides drinking sometimes. I see imminent homelessness occurring and I’ll just stay like that, I won’t do anything. I forgot how to do anything.
I think I’ve finally had it. The anhedonia, the avolition, the delusion that there is a humanity and not mostly just a bunch of scheming borderline solipsistic narcissists. This universe is just a costume for biological determinism and I’ve pretty much lost all interest in life as a result. I have afforded more faith in others than I should reasonably allow between the blatant death stares and exclusion and generally letting me know that they have inferred everything there is to know by merely looking at me. I pretty much can’t handle anything beyond horizontally rotting with a screen in my squalid little subsidized apartment.
I hate to admit it but a little part of me still yearns for some acceptance and I wish I could just dissolve that stupid delusion. Living in a city when you seem to invite disdain for existing fucking SUCKS, I always feel hyper vigilant even in my own place. I don’t know if it’s like this for regular people but seeing pretty much anybody I don’t know makes me automatically anticipate an attack and I act with extreme self consciousness. I can’t fucking help it, I start manually walking and breathing.
So basically I don’t feel safe anywhere and I have no source of reprieve really besides drinking sometimes. I see imminent homelessness occurring and I’ll just stay like that, I won’t do anything. I forgot how to do anything.
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