/wiz/ - Wizardry

So I've been lurking here once again, re-reading the same old threads one more time, like I did yesterday. Suddenly, I thought about how did my life turned out to this specific state. It's nothing special but at the same time I would like to read something similar. Sorry If you find this post garbage, feel free to ignore it. I'm not going to whine about anything or asking advices. I just got a little bored and decided to write something that I myself would be interested in reading.

Heres my story: I'am a young 20 lvl old NEET, from blue and yellow coloured flag country. Both of my parents are active 'jehovas witnesess' which I think, played a decisive role in my life. I spent most of my life with my mother, who are a good person but have no sence of reality because of her religion. She have no social contacts or relatives outside of her commune, and she also never had a job because of her back injury and poor health. I just sat home with her all the time, never coming to kindergarden or anything. So of course I was't much social too. I spent my early childhood in front of TV and started to read books early, also going to the religious (sessions)? twise a week, (Id'k how to say that in ingurish). There I had to sit for 2 hours straight and endure to listen to their extremely boring sermons. Coming home to watch boring 4 tv channels. My parents also were poor, very old fashioned and not into technology, so I had no computer or internet. It was a comfy childhood but I suffered of boredom a lot.

I was very excited attemping to school (foolish me) ((in order to talk and made friends with other kids)), and my mother sent me to one when I was barely 6. It turned out to be a hell of a place. Other kids were very far from what I imagined in sense of communication, and lessons was as boring as my religious meet ups. Despite at first teachers were praising me of how well spoked and able to read I am at 6 years, I turned out to be really retarded. To sit through a 45 minute lesson was a torture to me and I had no interest in learning the subjests, except of drawing and creative ones. At first kids were trying to bully me because of how melancholic I was, but I almost shoved no reaction so they gave up on me, and also I were bigger one even being one year younger, so resisting physically was't an issue. So I were kind of like a ghost in school, doing nothing there.

I started masturbating at the age of 7. After feeling suddenly aroused after seing very erotic scene in a movie, I rushed to my bedroom to rub my dick at the pillow immitating what I just saw on the screen, I felt strong sence of pleasure and the fear of being caught made me even more aroused so I cummed quickly and felt so much ecstasy. After that I was dumbfounded for a few minutes, and not actually realizing what happened, I understanded that I will repeat this. So I've been stealthty fucking with pillows and plush toys till around age of 10 (I guess?) Then my dick started to shoot a huge loads of semen, and I didn't want to stain things with it. There were when I learned to do it properly with my hand, and using wipes or toilet paper like a normal person. (if it's considered as normal to jerk off like a madman at 10). Since then It became really comfortable and even more stealth, so I was jerking off manicaly till 10 times per day. I still haven't internet at my house so I was downloading ero pictures (mainly with asian succubi) to my samsung duos 2 using school wi-fi, also found out about hentai around that time. I wasn't even able to hold it till home, asking to go to the bathroom during lessons, to masturbate of course.
During the 7-9 grades I had 2 succubi classmates confessing they liked me. Maybe because I was taller and had long hair, still I think I am a freak externally and internally. It doesen't matter anyway, because I never really felt any affection or arousal to real succubi even feeling kind of repulsion towards them, was very insecure and anxious, partly because of my stupid relligion and lack of social experience and lack of father figure in my familly. So I just ignored them, and they lost interest in me as well. I never regret it, indeed I still think a person like me doesn't need any relationship. I am some kind of schizoid or psychopath, idk, I don't like people making diagnoses to themselves either. I never felt empathy for anyone, never loved anyone, and don't like when someone showing 'love' towards me. But I actually can experience these feelings in my own manner to fictional characters of anime or visual novels.

So I became NEET after not even finishing the 9-th grade at the age of 15. (Because of the chink virus everyone was graduated 2 month earlier). Everyone went further to 10-11 but I told my mother how I struggle at school, so she let me become a neet until at least 18 years. I have never studied much anyway, skipping school with my only 'friend', drinking cheap beer and DESTROYING packs of cigarettes together. I was able to afford it with my lunch money and some money gifts from grandma, which I had collected earlier and stored for a 'better days'. At that time I had a shitty PC and already had internet so It was my dream life, compared to boring and exhausting school. Also I already were atheistic and stopped attending religious parties at that age, to which my mother wasn't complaining much to my surprise. I was lurking on the net, reading russian image board 'dvach' 24/7, taking my first steps to the western internet culture, became fascinated with old internet, anime, imageboards etc. All this while laying in front of my pc (yes laying, I have a tricky setup for my lazy ass). Also I am writing this without help of translator, seriously, I have a hard time figuring out how I learned Ingurish so well, considering how retarded I am.

Three years flew by like this. My mother started to talk to me about moving to my father to find a job. I was terrified of working, (as you people say here 'wageslaving'), because how lazy and undisciplined I am, and also because of my severed social anxiety etc. I was praying to universe or whatever for salvation, and it was given to me. Russia invaded our country, and all the job market collapsed, with men being mobilized recklessly, everyone started fleeing to europe and all around the world. Of course my mother fears of my ass being mobilized too after which I'll get shot or blown or crippled. So she's completely fine with me continuing to lay my ass in my room for now at least.

Another two years flew by and here we are in present time, finally. 20 lvl, skinny, smelly, virgin (which I feel ok about) NEET, with very long hair and beard. No skills AT ALL, (except my perfecto engurishu)(or maybe it's shitty idk), unable to learn anything because of severe depression and adhd, having hard time with developing anhedonia, tottaly falling apart, going insane. Even masturbation which is my favourite thing to do doesn't give me pleasure anymore, and I almost feel no orgasms. There are two things that actually keeps to make me wake up after sleep, which does not come easyly to me. It's reading visual novels and watching anime, I feel almost alive in this imaginary worlds, I have no strength to engage with them for now, but I'm currently trying to start over again and watch and read many nice things to feel alive again. What I usually do is re-reading posts on various imageboards, in read only regime. This is actually my first post here, even though I did one for my short russian internet friend here while ago, called 'my reflections on height', on depression board. Sorry I know that post were awful, but he wanted it to be posted here so much, since I told him how great this site is.

Also I have to confess, I really like the spammer guy here, you probably know of who I mean, the one that goes: 'I WANT TO DO MATH AND DRAW BUT I CAN'T", I was reading all of your shitty posts, my brother, I am just like you. Let's marry. I bought a drawing tablet almost a year ago and drew litteraly NOTHING even though I really wanted to. I guess there is no salvation for us. I think people like me is a human waste and I should be exterminated, since If I can't feel any joy anyway, and we can't do nothing but suffer from ourselves. I'd like to believe in determinism and all this bullshit, but lets be real. All that could have been. It's me who is the actual problem, and this problem would be solved once I stop to exist. I don't plan on commiting suicide while my body is still functionate and while I still have internet to lurk. But I like to think and fantasise about death a lot, that calms me, and gives a sense of resolution to my weary mind. I hope I will be able to at least finish reading a few more VN's, before becoming an actual vegetable.

I don't know If I even allowed to write such a long pasta here, but Wizardchan is like home to me, I'm okay being virgin, (Also gayuri is a cool site, hehe) I hope I will be able to make it till 30 and become a real wizard. I need 10 more years for that, and to become like an Odesu from Oldboy who were shut in the room for 15 years. Hahahaha. Sorry. Thank you. I hope I'll stay here until me or site dies. DON'T BAN ME please, I swear I'll behave. I will not make shitty posts like this anymore, I hope it was at least a little interesting, since I never saw wizards from post soviet union space here. Yay, Wizardchan, let's party! Here we go!