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Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.
Previous: >>279036
Previous: >>279036
I used to think that a full, international disclosure and confirmation of intelligent, extraterrestrial lifeforms visiting the Earth on a regular basis in the present day would make me happy.
I no longer feel this to be the case.
I no longer feel this to be the case.
>>281046
If your diet is rich in chemicals and processed foods which agitate the bowels, the passing of such waste could instigate a full inflammatory response, which is an energy sap and very bad for your general health. It's why "Stomach punch" fetishists pass out from the blunt trauma to the abdomen; not by the pain, but the reallocation of energy towards a flush and fuse response in the intestines.
Wizdoctor prescribes no caffeine, cola, fried food, or canola / sunflower oils for at least the rest of your life.
If your diet is rich in chemicals and processed foods which agitate the bowels, the passing of such waste could instigate a full inflammatory response, which is an energy sap and very bad for your general health. It's why "Stomach punch" fetishists pass out from the blunt trauma to the abdomen; not by the pain, but the reallocation of energy towards a flush and fuse response in the intestines.
Wizdoctor prescribes no caffeine, cola, fried food, or canola / sunflower oils for at least the rest of your life.
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ballin
I recently realized that I was actually considered super-obese in 2014, morbidly obese in 2005, of normal weight in 2015, and am now morbidly obese again.
So annoying that my mother had me stop taking the stimulant that got me to drop from 300 pounds down to 160 pounds over the course of 6 to 9 months in 2015 and she is now telling me to lose weight again like she used to many years ago.
So annoying that my mother had me stop taking the stimulant that got me to drop from 300 pounds down to 160 pounds over the course of 6 to 9 months in 2015 and she is now telling me to lose weight again like she used to many years ago.
It's been
1844 days since I last smoked cannabis
125 days since I last consumed legally-prescribed amphetamine
53 days since I last consumed alcoholic beverages
12 days since I last consumed caffeinated beverages
And yet… I am still hallucinating.
1844 days since I last smoked cannabis
125 days since I last consumed legally-prescribed amphetamine
53 days since I last consumed alcoholic beverages
12 days since I last consumed caffeinated beverages
And yet… I am still hallucinating.
>>281081
Could just be garden variety psychosis. You don't need to take drugs to hallucinate.
Could just be garden variety psychosis. You don't need to take drugs to hallucinate.
>>281082
Yeah the hallucinations first began a few months after my current psychiatrist decided to stop prescribing an antipsychotic to me in 2019 after a different psychiatrist had already been prescribing it to me from mid-2017 to early-2019.
A third psychiatrist decided to re-prescribe this same antipsychotic to me but my mother wanted me throw it away this year as it was causing weight gain.
Yeah the hallucinations first began a few months after my current psychiatrist decided to stop prescribing an antipsychotic to me in 2019 after a different psychiatrist had already been prescribing it to me from mid-2017 to early-2019.
A third psychiatrist decided to re-prescribe this same antipsychotic to me but my mother wanted me throw it away this year as it was causing weight gain.
>>281083
>my mother wanted me throw it away this year as it was causing weight gain.
Whoa what?? She'd rather you be delusionally at the mental mercy shizohallucinogenetically engineered demons than you be a little tubtub around the waist? Unless you're already obese, in which case lose some weight, tubby. And even if you're not, all you'd have to do is compound the medication with basic exercise and diet as to not give your body enough calories to store as fat.
I don't know, wiz, if you can't stand up to your mother then you have no chance at standing up the the demons.
>my mother wanted me throw it away this year as it was causing weight gain.
Whoa what?? She'd rather you be delusionally at the mental mercy shizohallucinogenetically engineered demons than you be a little tubtub around the waist? Unless you're already obese, in which case lose some weight, tubby. And even if you're not, all you'd have to do is compound the medication with basic exercise and diet as to not give your body enough calories to store as fat.
I don't know, wiz, if you can't stand up to your mother then you have no chance at standing up the the demons.
>>281084
>She'd rather you be delusionally at the mental mercy shizohallucinogenetically engineered demons than you be a little tubtub around the waist?
She thinks they're demons or something. She keeps throwing holy water around but keeps telling me that demons and ghosts and other such things don't exist.
>I don't know, wiz, if you can't stand up to your mother then you have no chance at standing up the the demons.
I don't think they're demons, but the apparitions have the capacity to induce tremendous physical and emotional pain whenever I attempt anything physically stimulant for longer than, say, five minutes. The physical pain lasts hours and, no, it's not related to the usual muscle strain one experiences after strenuous exercise.
>She'd rather you be delusionally at the mental mercy shizohallucinogenetically engineered demons than you be a little tubtub around the waist?
She thinks they're demons or something. She keeps throwing holy water around but keeps telling me that demons and ghosts and other such things don't exist.
>I don't know, wiz, if you can't stand up to your mother then you have no chance at standing up the the demons.
I don't think they're demons, but the apparitions have the capacity to induce tremendous physical and emotional pain whenever I attempt anything physically stimulant for longer than, say, five minutes. The physical pain lasts hours and, no, it's not related to the usual muscle strain one experiences after strenuous exercise.
>>281086
You have no idea what they believe in. Abrahamism itself is a cover for their actual beliefs which are platonic and pagan. Phoenicians invented Judaism when they came in contact with Zoroastrianism. Conquest of Canaan (Phoenicia) is completely fabricated. Their god is Moloch (Phoenician version of an evil Egyptian god). The religion of their leaders is not monotheistic, and more importantly it is 100% pre-biblical and far more ancient than Judaism.
You have no idea what they believe in. Abrahamism itself is a cover for their actual beliefs which are platonic and pagan. Phoenicians invented Judaism when they came in contact with Zoroastrianism. Conquest of Canaan (Phoenicia) is completely fabricated. Their god is Moloch (Phoenician version of an evil Egyptian god). The religion of their leaders is not monotheistic, and more importantly it is 100% pre-biblical and far more ancient than Judaism.
I've been unsuccessful in every task I've ever tried. Even something like getting into a hobby is too hard. Whenever I found something I liked and could enjoy I ended up finding out there are people who enjoy it like 100x as much as me and have spent half their life and thousands of dollars on it simply out of passion which pales in comparison to my interest in it which was simply due to boredom and seeking novelty.
Hallucinations are again telling me to move out of California with no money, no car, no job, and no friends.
Woke up feeling depressed again this morning at around 7:00 AM after having gone to sleep yesterday at around 6:30 AM. I guess the cessation of caffeine consumption for roughly two weeks doesn't actually do anything.
I remember when I could wake up at 1 AM, 4 AM, or 7 AM and my mind and body would just be working like clockwork. I'd just wake up and then BOOM! Alright! Here I am again. Gotta' do shit now. What first? Shower. Clean room. That was less than 2 years ago.
I remember when I could wake up at 1 AM, 4 AM, or 7 AM and my mind and body would just be working like clockwork. I'd just wake up and then BOOM! Alright! Here I am again. Gotta' do shit now. What first? Shower. Clean room. That was less than 2 years ago.
>>281116
yeah i thought caffeine was fucking up my sleeping too and when i quit nothing happened. i think we're what's the word oh yeah fucked
yeah i thought caffeine was fucking up my sleeping too and when i quit nothing happened. i think we're what's the word oh yeah fucked
>>281108
I've just been thinking to create a thread to vent about this. I can relate to your post so goddamn much.
I look around and see people having hobbies or being part of some nice niche communities. It looks interesting and I always wanted to participate. But I always realized it's too late. Communities were created long ago and gatekept and I'm just too retarded to meet criteria to get past the gates. I can't compete with geeks. Some relatively younger communities are filled with normalfags and I just can't compete with them either. For some years now I haven't been able to find something that would even make want to become part of it. Because I can tell instantly that amount of effort you have to exert to participate is far bigger than I'm capable of. And so I remain on the outside. As of now I don't even feel anything about it anymore. I've been thinking it's all bullshit and you need to find something solitary to be truly happy. Still in search though.
Is it just my retardation or are communities truly dead? Have you been able to become a part of one recently? Is it really worth it?
I've just been thinking to create a thread to vent about this. I can relate to your post so goddamn much.
I look around and see people having hobbies or being part of some nice niche communities. It looks interesting and I always wanted to participate. But I always realized it's too late. Communities were created long ago and gatekept and I'm just too retarded to meet criteria to get past the gates. I can't compete with geeks. Some relatively younger communities are filled with normalfags and I just can't compete with them either. For some years now I haven't been able to find something that would even make want to become part of it. Because I can tell instantly that amount of effort you have to exert to participate is far bigger than I'm capable of. And so I remain on the outside. As of now I don't even feel anything about it anymore. I've been thinking it's all bullshit and you need to find something solitary to be truly happy. Still in search though.
Is it just my retardation or are communities truly dead? Have you been able to become a part of one recently? Is it really worth it?
>>281108
One of my biggest regrets is underestimating how much small efforts add up over a long time.
This might sound like an odd example but I started playing a free to play video game that is really stingy with free currency. Everything cool seemed out of reach. It felt like it took forever to earn enough currency to buy anything. But I played it every day because I liked having something to do while watching youtube videos and after 2 years I had more than enough to get all the cool shit I want.
Just doing whatever hobby for like 30-90 minutes a day will eventually pay off. The neat thing about art is that artists have a different style and subjects. Even if you are not technically as good as other artists you might create art about subjects and themes no one else does.
>>281154
Another of my regrets is the thought "it's too late". It's such cancer. Fueled by social media and news glorifying young successes. I noticed something on imageboards what someone perfectly named as "demoralization". People post shit like "omg this director made this oscar winning movie at 25 IT'S OVAH WHY EVEN TRY?" Every time I thought "it's too late" later I kicked myself for not starting then.
What elitists communities are you trying to join? Any community I've looked into always welcomed new people and had resources to help them learn.
One of my biggest regrets is underestimating how much small efforts add up over a long time.
This might sound like an odd example but I started playing a free to play video game that is really stingy with free currency. Everything cool seemed out of reach. It felt like it took forever to earn enough currency to buy anything. But I played it every day because I liked having something to do while watching youtube videos and after 2 years I had more than enough to get all the cool shit I want.
Just doing whatever hobby for like 30-90 minutes a day will eventually pay off. The neat thing about art is that artists have a different style and subjects. Even if you are not technically as good as other artists you might create art about subjects and themes no one else does.
>>281154
Another of my regrets is the thought "it's too late". It's such cancer. Fueled by social media and news glorifying young successes. I noticed something on imageboards what someone perfectly named as "demoralization". People post shit like "omg this director made this oscar winning movie at 25 IT'S OVAH WHY EVEN TRY?" Every time I thought "it's too late" later I kicked myself for not starting then.
What elitists communities are you trying to join? Any community I've looked into always welcomed new people and had resources to help them learn.
>>281157
I don't know, wiz. I don't have strength left to care. I know I will regret, but I don't have whatever it takes to start doing something.
I grew in shithole so there were no local communities I could enjoy, I tried many and gave up every. I turned to internet and here what you call welcoming communities is distant islands I can never reach because I don't have that thing that would allow me to exert enough effort to become at least somewhat good. And if I'm not good all the welcoming and flattery is basically percieved as a hostile act of mockery. And so I endlessly walk this loop.
It is further aggravated by my twisted perception developed because of the above. Now I'm tricked into thinking that whatever you do is competition and in my mind competition is equivalent to evil. Well fuck it all. Talking about it again and again every time is not helping I just needed to spill the shit to lessen the urge to kill myself.
I don't know, wiz. I don't have strength left to care. I know I will regret, but I don't have whatever it takes to start doing something.
I grew in shithole so there were no local communities I could enjoy, I tried many and gave up every. I turned to internet and here what you call welcoming communities is distant islands I can never reach because I don't have that thing that would allow me to exert enough effort to become at least somewhat good. And if I'm not good all the welcoming and flattery is basically percieved as a hostile act of mockery. And so I endlessly walk this loop.
It is further aggravated by my twisted perception developed because of the above. Now I'm tricked into thinking that whatever you do is competition and in my mind competition is equivalent to evil. Well fuck it all. Talking about it again and again every time is not helping I just needed to spill the shit to lessen the urge to kill myself.
>>281159
>>281154
I haven't been able to make any new friends since about 2012 or join any communities since around 2017 or so. All the people I knew online branched out and have their own friend groups while I tried talking to them daily until they eventually stopped responding.
Seems like the only people online now are hypersocial sociopaths/psychopaths who like being in highschool tier cliques trying to keep lone wolfs and outcasts out.
>>281154
I haven't been able to make any new friends since about 2012 or join any communities since around 2017 or so. All the people I knew online branched out and have their own friend groups while I tried talking to them daily until they eventually stopped responding.
Seems like the only people online now are hypersocial sociopaths/psychopaths who like being in highschool tier cliques trying to keep lone wolfs and outcasts out.
>>281157
Like >>281158 said, there is a point of no return you reach sometime after not being accepted anywhere where you just give up even on potential casual online connections.
You are talking about a gacha game I assume? Here is what happened to me recently - I joined a 'clan/guild' in an online gacha game I played and eventually they made a discord. I initially didn't join because I had no interest in chatting with them but eventually had to join it. When I joined I was in shock that everyone was already talking like they are friends and not just strangers who just met each other a week ago. It turned out they are all early/mid 20s either college students or working in finance from good college degrees. Everyone started getting together on voice chat for fridays/weekend and of course I was never there. These guys also payed 200-250$ a week on the gacha game and only experienced pure joy and no grinding hardship or the feeling of not having anything for 2 years. I only talked about the game on discord and this eventually led to them making petty and snarky remarks about me. I already know from experiences that it would turn into harder harassment/bullying later so I had to both drop my interest in the game and hobby in general. All I did was try to play the game and progress but you can't even do that without normalfags harassing and bullying you these days.
Like >>281158 said, there is a point of no return you reach sometime after not being accepted anywhere where you just give up even on potential casual online connections.
You are talking about a gacha game I assume? Here is what happened to me recently - I joined a 'clan/guild' in an online gacha game I played and eventually they made a discord. I initially didn't join because I had no interest in chatting with them but eventually had to join it. When I joined I was in shock that everyone was already talking like they are friends and not just strangers who just met each other a week ago. It turned out they are all early/mid 20s either college students or working in finance from good college degrees. Everyone started getting together on voice chat for fridays/weekend and of course I was never there. These guys also payed 200-250$ a week on the gacha game and only experienced pure joy and no grinding hardship or the feeling of not having anything for 2 years. I only talked about the game on discord and this eventually led to them making petty and snarky remarks about me. I already know from experiences that it would turn into harder harassment/bullying later so I had to both drop my interest in the game and hobby in general. All I did was try to play the game and progress but you can't even do that without normalfags harassing and bullying you these days.
Insanity is becoming normalized in society, and I'm scared. I know nothing good will come of this.
>>281172
I think covid made people nastier and show their true colors. The inflation, the isolation, shitty pay while everything rising. People are pickier and shit on ugly fat short people more than usual while they glamorize tall beautiful people. Things are gonna get bad pretty fast.
I think covid made people nastier and show their true colors. The inflation, the isolation, shitty pay while everything rising. People are pickier and shit on ugly fat short people more than usual while they glamorize tall beautiful people. Things are gonna get bad pretty fast.
>>281157
>One of my biggest regrets is underestimating how much small efforts add up over a long time.
But what if you just don't care
>One of my biggest regrets is underestimating how much small efforts add up over a long time.
But what if you just don't care
>>281169
Indeed. Have similar problem with people online. Half of the time I get ghosted and half of time I ghost because can't derive any fulfillment from conversation. Or rather it was so in the past. In recent 3 or 4 years I didn't indulge in any personal communication.
Are people out there any better though?
Indeed. Have similar problem with people online. Half of the time I get ghosted and half of time I ghost because can't derive any fulfillment from conversation. Or rather it was so in the past. In recent 3 or 4 years I didn't indulge in any personal communication.
Are people out there any better though?
I don't know what I want people to tell me anymore, seems like just about anything won't really make me any happier. Tell me everything will be fine? Gives me hopes of things getting better, get let down and feel bad. Tell me it's all shit and there's no hope? Admire the honesty, makes me feel like shit too and I'd rather not hear it. There's nothing someone can tell me that would make me feel good about myself anymore, what's the point of people anyways?
>>281187
What's the point of anything? I can never be satisfied and I keep being stuck in a loop, i'm just gonna rot and cry all day anyways.
What's the point of anything? I can never be satisfied and I keep being stuck in a loop, i'm just gonna rot and cry all day anyways.
>>281188
Just feels like to me there used to be a point in time where these things actually mattered, but that time has passed and now I don't care anymore. Every time I think about doing things that might improve myself or achieving something I keep going back to thinking that I might be doing things for other people, because deep down I really don't care much about anything. There used to be a point behind doing stuff, I just can't seem to find it anymore.
Just feels like to me there used to be a point in time where these things actually mattered, but that time has passed and now I don't care anymore. Every time I think about doing things that might improve myself or achieving something I keep going back to thinking that I might be doing things for other people, because deep down I really don't care much about anything. There used to be a point behind doing stuff, I just can't seem to find it anymore.
>>281189
A lot of people are feeling like that nowadays, just pure apathy. No real passion or point to do anything, young men are dropping out of society and no one even cares.
A lot of people are feeling like that nowadays, just pure apathy. No real passion or point to do anything, young men are dropping out of society and no one even cares.
I haven't smiled or laughed for over 10 years now. My existence is a joyless torture. All I feel is hatred and bitterness for anyone who isn't like me.
I feel like i'm simultaneously too normal and too weird so i dont fit in anywhere.
I have normal interests and dont care much for typical chan stuff like video games, anime, politics and i feel no bitterness towards normal people
at the same time i have 0 friends, not even online and have never had a job or finished college
I have normal interests and dont care much for typical chan stuff like video games, anime, politics and i feel no bitterness towards normal people
at the same time i have 0 friends, not even online and have never had a job or finished college
>>281197
How much time per week do you actively spend interacting with people? Having friends requires time and effort. And once you have them, you have to spend time and effort maintaining those relationships. It's a giant pain in the ass.
Solitude is bliss.
How much time per week do you actively spend interacting with people? Having friends requires time and effort. And once you have them, you have to spend time and effort maintaining those relationships. It's a giant pain in the ass.
Solitude is bliss.
>>281198
Untrue. True friends might see each other once or twice a year and still remain friends. I know because I saw. However, as far as my experience is concerned such people are very rare and I have 0 idea how to find them. And then why would they bother with somebody like me. It's a torturous loop we wizards are in.
Untrue. True friends might see each other once or twice a year and still remain friends. I know because I saw. However, as far as my experience is concerned such people are very rare and I have 0 idea how to find them. And then why would they bother with somebody like me. It's a torturous loop we wizards are in.
>>281191
Perhaps because there isn't a point anymore? I look at mobs and I can't imagine actually deriving any positive feelings from doing something for them. In fact, mobs are so stupid I sometimes thinks I would be glad to see them die.
And apart from mobs, is there anything left worth of putting effort into? What's the point if in the end all your toil will drown in the void before you even take a glimpse at the result?
To my mind there is simply nothing left that could spark any passion. Or even if it is left somewhere it's only accessible to a limited circles of "chosen" ones.
Or maybe I'm delusional depressed piece of shit. I don't know. That's how I see it.
Perhaps because there isn't a point anymore? I look at mobs and I can't imagine actually deriving any positive feelings from doing something for them. In fact, mobs are so stupid I sometimes thinks I would be glad to see them die.
And apart from mobs, is there anything left worth of putting effort into? What's the point if in the end all your toil will drown in the void before you even take a glimpse at the result?
To my mind there is simply nothing left that could spark any passion. Or even if it is left somewhere it's only accessible to a limited circles of "chosen" ones.
Or maybe I'm delusional depressed piece of shit. I don't know. That's how I see it.
Getting just a little drunk helps daydreaming a ton. I was stuck in my new favorite story and couldn't make any progress for weeks. Got just a little drunk in the morning and by the end of the day whoosh I completed a whole goddamn stage. Too bad I hate that feeling of lightheadedness.
Norwood Reaper came for me at a time I was starting to change things around. Doble dose of shit genes kicked in with my hair greying and going Norwood 3 overnight.
I was delusional in thinking I would be like one of those actors with a full head of gray hair at 50-60 but now I see even older guys than me with better hairlines. There's no cope after this it's truly over but now I know it never even began.
I was delusional in thinking I would be like one of those actors with a full head of gray hair at 50-60 but now I see even older guys than me with better hairlines. There's no cope after this it's truly over but now I know it never even began.
I keep having mental breakdowns when anything goes wrong in my life. You'd think I'd get over this in my 30s but it's like I've gotten worse at handling my emotions. Anyone experience this?
>>281214
https://www.hairtransplantfue.org/asmed-hair-transplant-result/upload/NORWOOD2/2300-grafts-FUE/0.jpg
Nothing reddit about it. Im either Norwood 2 or Norwood 3 vertex overnight.
https://www.hairtransplantfue.org/asmed-hair-transplant-result/upload/NORWOOD2/2300-grafts-FUE/0.jpg
Nothing reddit about it. Im either Norwood 2 or Norwood 3 vertex overnight.
Level 4 today. Spent my day listening to my old anime and vidya ost cd I burnt close to 15-20 years ago. Time flies when you're not having fun.
God doesn't allow sucide but i found another way. It will finally all be over. I hope he forgives me
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It has now been 1401 days, 3 hours, 49 minutes and 57 seconds since I began to experience both auditory and visual hallucinations every waking moment in my life. Also includes my every sleeping moment.
Oh dear god make it stop MAKE IT STOP HOLY SHIT
Oh dear god make it stop MAKE IT STOP HOLY SHIT
>>281222
Time flies regardless of what you do. But when it flies with no positive emotions it feels so fucking empty it's actually crazy. When people live normal lives they at least can remeber something nice, so they don't feel bitter/empty. I can't remember anything happening to me in shitload of years. And it feels like I didn't live at all.
Time flies regardless of what you do. But when it flies with no positive emotions it feels so fucking empty it's actually crazy. When people live normal lives they at least can remeber something nice, so they don't feel bitter/empty. I can't remember anything happening to me in shitload of years. And it feels like I didn't live at all.
>>281216
I just get really down or rethink events/additudes from people all day. They live in my head rent free
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Suicides a calling
>>281279
Already tried Abilify from late-2017 to early-2019 then again in August of 2022 and again like in June of 2023. The hallucinations began in late-2019.
Already tried Abilify from late-2017 to early-2019 then again in August of 2022 and again like in June of 2023. The hallucinations began in late-2019.
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2006 and 2007 were such comfy years for me. Like I remember when I could see what a beautiful day it was outside but decide to stay inside all day playing video games regardless because I'd still feel pretty damn good at the end of the day even knowing that a whole day had gone to waste.
Since the year 2018, however–the days feel as if they go to waste regardless as to whether I decide to go outside to do something resembling "productivity" or stay inside.
Since the year 2018, however–the days feel as if they go to waste regardless as to whether I decide to go outside to do something resembling "productivity" or stay inside.
>>281281
All of the psychotropic drugs I've taken have been legally prescribed to me by my psychiatrists and/or legally-purchased over-the-counter psychoactive drugs such as caffeine tablets.
All of the psychotropic drugs I've taken have been legally prescribed to me by my psychiatrists and/or legally-purchased over-the-counter psychoactive drugs such as caffeine tablets.
I'm quitting a bunch of addictive habits, I want to exercise and do my active hobbies but my leg is injured, I have to wait for months to get a job because I'm in a deranged hellhole known as 21st century America where they think the best thing for potheads is to deny them employment and I don't know where to buy clean piss, my room is full of biting gnats and I have to spray them every day, video games aren't fun, TV isn't entertaining, every other thought I think leads me into a vortex of negativity, the thought of studying scares me. I make friends easily, but causality always makes them move hundreds of miles away soon after, now I'm in an environment where 90% of the population are either baby boomers or niggers for some reason, and I generally don't commiserate with either.
Yeah circumstances are fucked up and they have been for years. When someone asks me what I'm doing about it, the only answer that comes to mind is "waiting" which has been the one constant I've been doing my entire life.
When I was a kid, I was just waiting to be an adult, and now that I'm an adult, I'm waiting for these arbitrary debilitations and restrictions to clear before I proceed to do anything. Anyone remember that mobility Mary clip where she's saying "well that's just great, I can't go anywhere, I can't do anything"?
Yeah circumstances are fucked up and they have been for years. When someone asks me what I'm doing about it, the only answer that comes to mind is "waiting" which has been the one constant I've been doing my entire life.
When I was a kid, I was just waiting to be an adult, and now that I'm an adult, I'm waiting for these arbitrary debilitations and restrictions to clear before I proceed to do anything. Anyone remember that mobility Mary clip where she's saying "well that's just great, I can't go anywhere, I can't do anything"?
After trying numerous hobbies, lifting, therapy, drugs, and travel I can safely say jerking off is still the most enjoyable use of my time.
>>281314
It's been two months since I quit watching porn and my desire to/obsession with fap reduced significantly. It did not happen during first month but now the change is apparent. I also started to feel subjectively better. Porn caused me to feel really bad after ejaculation, so for the past year my experience with porn was growing more and more painful. At some point it caused so much suffering I quit. Also, I now only jerk off when my balls hurt, otherwise I just don't want to do it. On the other hand, fap didn't get replaced by any other activity. Funny how fap time reduction actually turned out to be mentally and physically better for me.
It's been two months since I quit watching porn and my desire to/obsession with fap reduced significantly. It did not happen during first month but now the change is apparent. I also started to feel subjectively better. Porn caused me to feel really bad after ejaculation, so for the past year my experience with porn was growing more and more painful. At some point it caused so much suffering I quit. Also, I now only jerk off when my balls hurt, otherwise I just don't want to do it. On the other hand, fap didn't get replaced by any other activity. Funny how fap time reduction actually turned out to be mentally and physically better for me.
It's been roughly three weeks since I've gone without any caffeine whatsoever. This is perhaps the longest time I've gone without caffeine since the year 2009, 2010, or 2011.
I feel like shit.
I feel like shit.
>>281323
Just curious, what exacly sounds normal? Can porn addiction only cause suffering for normies?
Just curious, what exacly sounds normal? Can porn addiction only cause suffering for normies?
>get treated like shit
>get diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 24
>"everybody has ADHD!" I'd be told
>"schizophrenia is the serious one," someone else would tell me
>get diagnosed with major depressive disorder and social anxiety disorder at the age of 27
>show the psycheval with my diagnosis to my father
>"you shouldn't pay too much attention to what they put on paper" he tells me
>still get treated like shit
>get diagnosed with delusional disorder also at the age of 27
>still getting treated like shit
>begin to experience hallucinations and get diagnosed with psychotic disorder not otherwise specified at the age of 30
>get the PTSD diagnosis shortly after as well
>get involuntarily committed to a hospital and forcefully medicated with an antipsychotic at the age of 33
>get treated even worse than before
>get diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 24
>"everybody has ADHD!" I'd be told
>"schizophrenia is the serious one," someone else would tell me
>get diagnosed with major depressive disorder and social anxiety disorder at the age of 27
>show the psycheval with my diagnosis to my father
>"you shouldn't pay too much attention to what they put on paper" he tells me
>still get treated like shit
>get diagnosed with delusional disorder also at the age of 27
>still getting treated like shit
>begin to experience hallucinations and get diagnosed with psychotic disorder not otherwise specified at the age of 30
>get the PTSD diagnosis shortly after as well
>get involuntarily committed to a hospital and forcefully medicated with an antipsychotic at the age of 33
>get treated even worse than before
>>281347
were you expecting people to take pity on you? how many "mental illnesses" will you collect before you realize it's not going to help you?
were you expecting people to take pity on you? how many "mental illnesses" will you collect before you realize it's not going to help you?
>>281347
The weird thing is, the worse off you are the more people hate you and give you less and the more well-off you are the more people like you want to give you things.
The weird thing is, the worse off you are the more people hate you and give you less and the more well-off you are the more people like you want to give you things.
>>281350
I'm not trying to collect mental illnesses, though. Not intentionally, anyway.
It started off on July 1st of 2013 when I went to see my first psychiatrist because I felt like something was wrong with me and people kept telling me to get help and whatnot.
It also doesn't help that I'm not exactly allowed to "stick" with one mental health care provider at a time (who often times end up having contradicting opinions of me and refuse to communicate with each other). For example, after seeing my first psychiatrist for the first time… when I tried to make another appointment to see him; I ended up being told that he was too busy to see me so I ended up making an appointment with a different psychiatrist working at that same private practice. Same thing ended up happening with this second psychiatrist so I ended up seeing a psychiatric nurse practitioner. Then I ended up with another NP. And so on. It also don't help that psychiatrists and therapists aren't the same thing, so I'd get a psychiatric NP telling me to go see a therapist to talk about my problems.
So far I've seen like 9 therapists, 5 psychiatrists, 2 psychiatric nurse practitioners, 2 neurologists, a psychologist… probably more, actually. One therapist would retire, a neurologist would retire, one therapist could only refer me to other therapists, one psychiatric NP would threaten to place a restraining order on me, one therapist actually did place a restraining order on me, one psychologist would stop answering my phone calls and e-mails, one psychiatrist would lock me out of his private practice, and so on.
I'm not trying to collect mental illnesses, though. Not intentionally, anyway.
It started off on July 1st of 2013 when I went to see my first psychiatrist because I felt like something was wrong with me and people kept telling me to get help and whatnot.
It also doesn't help that I'm not exactly allowed to "stick" with one mental health care provider at a time (who often times end up having contradicting opinions of me and refuse to communicate with each other). For example, after seeing my first psychiatrist for the first time… when I tried to make another appointment to see him; I ended up being told that he was too busy to see me so I ended up making an appointment with a different psychiatrist working at that same private practice. Same thing ended up happening with this second psychiatrist so I ended up seeing a psychiatric nurse practitioner. Then I ended up with another NP. And so on. It also don't help that psychiatrists and therapists aren't the same thing, so I'd get a psychiatric NP telling me to go see a therapist to talk about my problems.
So far I've seen like 9 therapists, 5 psychiatrists, 2 psychiatric nurse practitioners, 2 neurologists, a psychologist… probably more, actually. One therapist would retire, a neurologist would retire, one therapist could only refer me to other therapists, one psychiatric NP would threaten to place a restraining order on me, one therapist actually did place a restraining order on me, one psychologist would stop answering my phone calls and e-mails, one psychiatrist would lock me out of his private practice, and so on.
>>281355
at what point do you just realize it's not helping and you should stop going to mental health practitioners of any kind? i'm sure you just haven't found the one that's right for you tho!
at what point do you just realize it's not helping and you should stop going to mental health practitioners of any kind? i'm sure you just haven't found the one that's right for you tho!
>>281355
What do you think is the cause for them to behave like that?, you are not paying them or what?.
What do you think is the cause for them to behave like that?, you are not paying them or what?.
my ideal life is being a wanderer who doesn't care. just doesn't give a fuck about anything. sleeps under bridges, eats whatever he finds, lives for today and has no worries. i want to live stress free and in the moment forever
>>281363
In my hypothetical idealized lifestyle I would just be content. I wouldn't feel the need to fill every moment with something out of guilt of not being productive or wasting time. if i felt like watching a movie, i would just watch it. if I wanted to do nothing, I could sit doing nothing. None of it would bother me.
In my hypothetical idealized lifestyle I would just be content. I wouldn't feel the need to fill every moment with something out of guilt of not being productive or wasting time. if i felt like watching a movie, i would just watch it. if I wanted to do nothing, I could sit doing nothing. None of it would bother me.
>>281357
I'm hallucinating right now and the hallucinations are basically emulating real people I've met both offline and online who tell me things like "get help" and "nobody gives a fuck". Not kidding. The hallucinations sometimes tell me both back-to-back. You have no idea how disorientating this is. I can barely think. I'm surprised that I can write anything at all.
I'm hallucinating right now and the hallucinations are basically emulating real people I've met both offline and online who tell me things like "get help" and "nobody gives a fuck". Not kidding. The hallucinations sometimes tell me both back-to-back. You have no idea how disorientating this is. I can barely think. I'm surprised that I can write anything at all.
>>281367
I'll be keeping an eye out for your post number
So you best watch yourself 'round these parts
I'll be keeping an eye out for your post number
So you best watch yourself 'round these parts
Most people in my family seem to have a certain level of amnesia and/or selective memory. Despite my mother (aged 77), father (62), and brother (51) being of different age groups; all three would appear to have equally bad memory (both unintentionally and intentionally). The one person I talk to the most nowadays is my mother and I honestly don't know why I even bother. Talking to her is one-sided. She just keeps on repeating the same things over and over, like something about a funny commercial she saw on TV where a dad tricks his kid into not wanting to go to Las Vegas. My father and brother are also like this. I haven't seen my father since 2020 and I've barely spoken with my brother since 2015.
Most people I speak with are like this. I remember how back in 2016 I tracked down my old high school guidance counselor to ask him about he had once (like in 2006) told me I was in special ed. back in elementary school, and he told me that he couldn't even remember telling me that. Major disappointment. I wanted to get copies of my permanent record, too, which had some of my old homework from like the year 1994 or 1995 that I wanted to see but all of that stuff was gone by 2016. That stuff was definitely still there in 2006, though.
Most people I speak with are like this. I remember how back in 2016 I tracked down my old high school guidance counselor to ask him about he had once (like in 2006) told me I was in special ed. back in elementary school, and he told me that he couldn't even remember telling me that. Major disappointment. I wanted to get copies of my permanent record, too, which had some of my old homework from like the year 1994 or 1995 that I wanted to see but all of that stuff was gone by 2016. That stuff was definitely still there in 2006, though.
>>281369
>Talking to her is one-sided. She just keeps on repeating the same things over and over
My dad does this. I sometimes wonder if he has dementia. He'll ramble on about the same stories, and somehow each story segues into the next story despite them being unrelated. Just talking and talking with me saying nothing. He can go for an hour if I let him.
>Talking to her is one-sided. She just keeps on repeating the same things over and over
My dad does this. I sometimes wonder if he has dementia. He'll ramble on about the same stories, and somehow each story segues into the next story despite them being unrelated. Just talking and talking with me saying nothing. He can go for an hour if I let him.
>>281353
From an evolutionary standpoint, it only makes sense. Investing in a more successful venture ensures greater returns, even if those returns are simply companionship or clout. Everything is based on tradeoffs, the crux of economics, and that is based on survival instinct selected over millennia of societal living, and millions of years of communal living.
From an evolutionary standpoint, it only makes sense. Investing in a more successful venture ensures greater returns, even if those returns are simply companionship or clout. Everything is based on tradeoffs, the crux of economics, and that is based on survival instinct selected over millennia of societal living, and millions of years of communal living.
>>281373
>From an evolutionary standpoint
Eh, I never put too much stock in Evolutionary Arguments. Lot of speculation, little evidence. Like psychiatry it's not all bullshit maybe 90% bullshit.
>From an evolutionary standpoint
Eh, I never put too much stock in Evolutionary Arguments. Lot of speculation, little evidence. Like psychiatry it's not all bullshit maybe 90% bullshit.
Today reminded me of how comfy the winter between 2016 and 2017 was for me, because there's a tropical storm over Los Angeles right now and it's been raining all day as if it were winter.
Unfortunately, because of my hallucinations; I could not enjoy today the way I enjoyed those winter days of 2016 and 2017. The hallucinations effectively ruin everything.
Unfortunately, because of my hallucinations; I could not enjoy today the way I enjoyed those winter days of 2016 and 2017. The hallucinations effectively ruin everything.
>>281395
People need to start not taking their youth for granted, 2010s wasn't really that special to me but it feels a hell of a lot better time than these times. I think life actually just gets harder and worse when you get older, life was so simple back then.
People need to start not taking their youth for granted, 2010s wasn't really that special to me but it feels a hell of a lot better time than these times. I think life actually just gets harder and worse when you get older, life was so simple back then.
>>281397
>People need to start not taking their youth for granted
bro, do you realize what you're asking? Youth is wasted on the young, that's part of being young is not realizing what you have
>People need to start not taking their youth for granted
bro, do you realize what you're asking? Youth is wasted on the young, that's part of being young is not realizing what you have
This world gets increasingly boring as I age. Probably because with every year that passes I lose a bit of hope for the future and all that remains is the sad reality that I live in. My youthful years are pretty much gone and all that is left is the decline. Everyday I try to convince myself to keep going, but the more I think about it, the less I find a reason to keep suffering this life.
>>281404
You're too hard on yourself, there was nothing you could of done anyways, just enjoy the rot and decay. Find yourself a new life and move on from it all.
You're too hard on yourself, there was nothing you could of done anyways, just enjoy the rot and decay. Find yourself a new life and move on from it all.
>>281404
The world stays the same, you're the one changing and evolving and having higher needs. I don't know how people expect to still be entertained by the same cartoons they liked when they were teens or the same hobbies or interests.
The world stays the same, you're the one changing and evolving and having higher needs. I don't know how people expect to still be entertained by the same cartoons they liked when they were teens or the same hobbies or interests.
>>281415
Is that why I have been seeing a trend of people getting exhausted by society? More normals i've been seeing are trying to do a labor strike on September the 1st. People are finally starting to have self awareness and realize what world they're living in now.
Is that why I have been seeing a trend of people getting exhausted by society? More normals i've been seeing are trying to do a labor strike on September the 1st. People are finally starting to have self awareness and realize what world they're living in now.
>>281417
If they're willing to create groups and fight for their rights, that doesn't seem like exhaustion to me. Exhaustion is coming home, downing a sick pack and falling asleep while watching cartoons.
If they're willing to create groups and fight for their rights, that doesn't seem like exhaustion to me. Exhaustion is coming home, downing a sick pack and falling asleep while watching cartoons.
anyone have this issue where let's say you want to learn something e.g programming. but when you become obsessed with finding the "right" book or video series and the right IDE and you never actually start.
>>281437
not really
but I have problem comprehending codebase with a lot of template classes / type parameters with inheritance especially if its written in C++ or worse, rust
not really
but I have problem comprehending codebase with a lot of template classes / type parameters with inheritance especially if its written in C++ or worse, rust
>>281437
I have that but it's with things I'm not really interested in and just think would be nice. Like, it'd be cool to be good at math, but then sitting down and doing practice problems all day and reading proofs just sucks ass. So then I just watch YouTube videos on how to start learning or collect books and charts on how to get a foundation but never really start.
Meanwhile, I started learning a language and it's piss easy for me to do every single day. I also learned programming when I was 12 and it was EASY for me to do every single day. Things I can do easily do every day without forcing myself, I usually become really good at.
I don't know. You either have it or you don't. The whole motivation thing just seems like magic to me. Maybe the Greeks were right and inspiration came from some deity or muse smiling upon you and giving you a gift.
I have that but it's with things I'm not really interested in and just think would be nice. Like, it'd be cool to be good at math, but then sitting down and doing practice problems all day and reading proofs just sucks ass. So then I just watch YouTube videos on how to start learning or collect books and charts on how to get a foundation but never really start.
Meanwhile, I started learning a language and it's piss easy for me to do every single day. I also learned programming when I was 12 and it was EASY for me to do every single day. Things I can do easily do every day without forcing myself, I usually become really good at.
I don't know. You either have it or you don't. The whole motivation thing just seems like magic to me. Maybe the Greeks were right and inspiration came from some deity or muse smiling upon you and giving you a gift.
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The hallucinations will never end, will they?
My usual state of existence revolves around me making plans to fix my mental neuroses. I will try something, it will fail, I will get depressed as fuck, then in the depths of my depression I start trying to come up with another plan. This cycle repeats and each time the depression/planning period gets longer and the execution/failing period gets shorter. I was just on the verge of implementing another one of my plans when my parents come along and start forcing some "program" some dude on socialanxiety.com came up with to fix social anxiety. After 30 years of me being broken they finally decided to google this shit, clicked the first result and found an example of where everything has been fixed and now they think all I need to do is follow what these people in this case study did and I will be fixed. This just enraged me for some reason. They know nothing about me or what I am going through, they don't talk to me about this shit, never have. They have no idea what is even wrong and now they are trying to "fix" it by making me do some pointless bullshit I know isn't going to work because I spent literally years of my life reading shit like that. I have read countless case studies of normies who were fixed by some stupid suggestions like "have you ever tried talking to people more and caring less what they think?". I literally have avoidant personality disorder, my issues are deep seated and even when I had no social anxiety from some meds I was put on, my issues still didn't go away. My parents don't even know what is wrong with me and I find their meddling deeply offensive and enraging. They actually think this is what helping me is. Lol. They are fucking with the implementation of my current plan. Despite all my failures, I am making progress and I know I am on the verge of success if I just have another 1-2 years.
>>281449
>My usual state of existence revolves around me making plans to fix my mental neuroses. I will try something, it will fail, I will get depressed as fuck, then in the depths of my depression I start trying to come up with another plan.
Very relatable. Very very relatable. I'm always coming up with plans, taking different drugs. I think deep down, I can't accept my situation. I can't "give in" and let go. If I could let go and accept reality I could finally be happy
>My usual state of existence revolves around me making plans to fix my mental neuroses. I will try something, it will fail, I will get depressed as fuck, then in the depths of my depression I start trying to come up with another plan.
Very relatable. Very very relatable. I'm always coming up with plans, taking different drugs. I think deep down, I can't accept my situation. I can't "give in" and let go. If I could let go and accept reality I could finally be happy
>>281362
Me too. I know in my mind I wasn't built for this world of stringent schedules and rigorous routines. I truly feel I'll be more free if I could let go of everything, but I'm too scared to make that leap.
Me too. I know in my mind I wasn't built for this world of stringent schedules and rigorous routines. I truly feel I'll be more free if I could let go of everything, but I'm too scared to make that leap.
>>281459
It would be freeing as all hell, right? Like imagine waking up one day and not having a room to clean, or bills, or parents, or any responsibilities. It's just "I'm hungry, let's get food". The simple life of just living for today and only today.
So much stress is just imagining horrifying situations, not actually living through them. We suffer so much in our own heads
It would be freeing as all hell, right? Like imagine waking up one day and not having a room to clean, or bills, or parents, or any responsibilities. It's just "I'm hungry, let's get food". The simple life of just living for today and only today.
So much stress is just imagining horrifying situations, not actually living through them. We suffer so much in our own heads
Wow you wizs try something. I just float on these fucking mood swings with absolitely no idea what/desire to do anything about it. Fuck it.
>parents invading with first suggestion from google
Deeply offensive. Maybe tell them that it doesn't work like that? That you've tried already? Or are they too retarded to fuck off? I strongly relate to intensive rage when clueless normalnigger cattle intrude upon one's flow of action/thought or plans. Like who the hell are you, fucker? I've spent shitload of time dealing with this particular subject and you just come out of nowhere and push your idiotic suggestions on me when you don't even know what exactly I'm doing because your intelligence is too low.
>I'm on verge of X, just a few more years
Yeah wiz sure. I hope it works for you. I personally feel like that every time I return to normal/elevated mood (I don't distinguish between them because I don't remember what fully normal mood is like anymore) and nope, nothing happens. Likely because it's me who does nothing, haha.
At least I'm not (yet) phychotic. Fuck this life.
>parents invading with first suggestion from google
Deeply offensive. Maybe tell them that it doesn't work like that? That you've tried already? Or are they too retarded to fuck off? I strongly relate to intensive rage when clueless normalnigger cattle intrude upon one's flow of action/thought or plans. Like who the hell are you, fucker? I've spent shitload of time dealing with this particular subject and you just come out of nowhere and push your idiotic suggestions on me when you don't even know what exactly I'm doing because your intelligence is too low.
>I'm on verge of X, just a few more years
Yeah wiz sure. I hope it works for you. I personally feel like that every time I return to normal/elevated mood (I don't distinguish between them because I don't remember what fully normal mood is like anymore) and nope, nothing happens. Likely because it's me who does nothing, haha.
At least I'm not (yet) phychotic. Fuck this life.
>>281464
>>parents invading with first suggestion from google
I asked for help finding a government form online. They "tried" and told me they couldn't find it. Found it that same day. 2nd result on Google
>>parents invading with first suggestion from google
I asked for help finding a government form online. They "tried" and told me they couldn't find it. Found it that same day. 2nd result on Google
>reading a book, watching a film or doing anything else
>my brain: "why am I doing this. I'm not even enjoying it. I want to put a bullet in my brain and end this meaningless, pointless and boring life"
>my brain: "why am I doing this. I'm not even enjoying it. I want to put a bullet in my brain and end this meaningless, pointless and boring life"
Might have found a mix of stuff which controls the worst of my depression swings. It makes me angry a lot and irritable, but it’s worth it to actually be able to do things consistently. I’ve had this experience before when trying things and it passed, this feels different with the anger, but I’m not holding my breath
>>281475
This happens to me all the time, especially when I try to force myself to like things that I don't really enjoy that much, but then when I try something I really have an interest in shit is good again, but after comes depression when it's over and you realize everything else sucks
This happens to me all the time, especially when I try to force myself to like things that I don't really enjoy that much, but then when I try something I really have an interest in shit is good again, but after comes depression when it's over and you realize everything else sucks
>>281491
> but then when I try something I really have an interest in
Yeah let me just….find one of those things….real quick…….
> but then when I try something I really have an interest in
Yeah let me just….find one of those things….real quick…….
Not sure why I even bother talking to people anymore. People don't really listen to me. They'll ask me something, and ignore my answer, and assume they understood what I told them. Sometimes they even get pissed off. And it can't be because my voice is too low either, because people get scared when I raise my voice to be heard better.
Fuck. Even one of my therapists would interrupt me and assume (incorrectly) she knew what I would say before I even actually said it.
Fuck. Even one of my therapists would interrupt me and assume (incorrectly) she knew what I would say before I even actually said it.
>>281496
This might sound cringe but I feel like we wizards are just too different for people to understand. Or maybe it's a sign I am overthinking things. When I argue with my parents they can't understand why I don't do anything to improve my situation if I am in fact unhappy with my situation. I explain them about my lack of willpower but they don't get it.
But I do sometimes feel like I'm talking to an AI that doesn't consider what I previously said and the implication of the things I said when replying to me.
This might sound cringe but I feel like we wizards are just too different for people to understand. Or maybe it's a sign I am overthinking things. When I argue with my parents they can't understand why I don't do anything to improve my situation if I am in fact unhappy with my situation. I explain them about my lack of willpower but they don't get it.
But I do sometimes feel like I'm talking to an AI that doesn't consider what I previously said and the implication of the things I said when replying to me.
I spent ~3 hours in a nearby forest today, with a tough, braided audio cable in my pocket. First I walked around then found a good looking tree branch. Then I was just standing near that tree, realizing I need to do it and I can't come back. No future, other than body degradation, no family and not a single good thing in life. Absolute dead end.
And yet I didn't do anything, as you may have noticed. Returned in my room even more dejected and devastated.
I will go again tomorrow, carrying more willpower with me.
And yet I didn't do anything, as you may have noticed. Returned in my room even more dejected and devastated.
I will go again tomorrow, carrying more willpower with me.
>>281507
>a tough, braided audio cable in my pocket.
What kind of music signals were going to be passing through that cable as you thrust the branch in to your heart?
>a tough, braided audio cable in my pocket.
What kind of music signals were going to be passing through that cable as you thrust the branch in to your heart?
Childhood friend's father said to my father that his cat Thomas had been bullied by another cat, then grown up and tore him up.
Backlash, Vengeance, Payback, Ruthless Aggression. Too much.
Backlash, Vengeance, Payback, Ruthless Aggression. Too much.
Over 21 days since I last consumed caffeine. That means absolutely no coffee (neither decaf, regular, nor espresso), no energy drinks, no soft drinks, and no caffeine tablets. I'm still constipated and feeling stomach pain despite having already consumed prune juice and Pepto Bismol a few days later. I'm also making sure to go to sleep at least 3 to 4 hours after dinner. I'm getting like 9 to 12 hours of sleep now, and yet I still feel like shit.
Even walking around outside for a few hours doesn't help to make me feel any better. I took a train to Downtown Los Angeles and another train to Santa Monica beach while there was a tropical storm and flood warnings all over a few days ago. There was even an earthquake that same day. Got home and I still felt like shit. Hallucinations were still telling me to go back outside while the news was warning people to not go outside. They even closed the schools the next day.
You know: caffeine withdrawal usually only lasts 2 to 7 days, maybe 9 or 11 or (very rarely) 21 days. That means that the muscle cramps and spasms that I feel now are pretty much completely unrelated to stimulant use.
Even walking around outside for a few hours doesn't help to make me feel any better. I took a train to Downtown Los Angeles and another train to Santa Monica beach while there was a tropical storm and flood warnings all over a few days ago. There was even an earthquake that same day. Got home and I still felt like shit. Hallucinations were still telling me to go back outside while the news was warning people to not go outside. They even closed the schools the next day.
You know: caffeine withdrawal usually only lasts 2 to 7 days, maybe 9 or 11 or (very rarely) 21 days. That means that the muscle cramps and spasms that I feel now are pretty much completely unrelated to stimulant use.
>>281515
Do you take any other drug? I had a big blood test the other day and my vitamin d and selen levels were practically 0. Im also very very tired, but there are no issues with my blood or vital organs. Maybe you get yourself checked too if youre not deficient in something..
Do you take any other drug? I had a big blood test the other day and my vitamin d and selen levels were practically 0. Im also very very tired, but there are no issues with my blood or vital organs. Maybe you get yourself checked too if youre not deficient in something..
Counting teacher strikes, political protests and years lost due to personal problems, I've been chasing a degree I don't even care about for more than 10 years. I'm a few years away from getting it, but I feel like an outsider among my classmates. They all know so much more than me because they already have jobs in the field, while I spend most of my time working to earn money for my family. The obvious thing to do would be to drop out of college and focus on my current job, but it's not a secure or future-proof one (I draw porn). I'm so close to getting that damn degree, but I don't see the point. I'm so sick of dealing with it and my stupid job. The worst thing is that I always find programmers talking about their stuff or people who want to be programmers on the internet, which reminds me of this stupid problem.
>>281197
I feel identified with what you wrote. I even think more than one anon out there would say I'm a NPCs, or some shit like that. It saddens me to think that I used to be more passionate, inquisitive and creative when I was younger, but now I don't care about anything.
>>281197
I feel identified with what you wrote. I even think more than one anon out there would say I'm a NPCs, or some shit like that. It saddens me to think that I used to be more passionate, inquisitive and creative when I was younger, but now I don't care about anything.
After a few years in isolation I started to notice some OCD traits. I get obsessed with a thought and start doing a lot of unreasonable shit because of this. And consciously ignoring this intrusive thoughts is very mentally painful. Jesus Christ, save me.
>>281577
And ahh, my dejavu is back yet again! That's truly wonderful. I'm constantly cycling between just-let-me-die-aleady depression and this lets-change-everything shit, cause wow i've suddenly got so much dopamine to burn or whatever the fuck it's called. maybe i'm really neurodevelopmental autist with ton of comorbid shit.
And ahh, my dejavu is back yet again! That's truly wonderful. I'm constantly cycling between just-let-me-die-aleady depression and this lets-change-everything shit, cause wow i've suddenly got so much dopamine to burn or whatever the fuck it's called. maybe i'm really neurodevelopmental autist with ton of comorbid shit.
An issue out of my control meant the police got involved before my suicide. The police issued a cross-agency message to my doctors and local teams for vulnerable adults about the event. I can see it in my doctors notes, but I’m not allowed to read it. Nobody contacted me, nobody called me, despite the officer saying they would.
I’ve always struggled to get any mental health help or support, and it’s funny even when the police get involved they actively don’t contact me when they’re supposed to. I’ve even spoke to the team before trying to get help so they have my history and details.
The world feels like an alien space that you reach in to and feel nothing in return, it has no interest in me or reaction.
I’ve always struggled to get any mental health help or support, and it’s funny even when the police get involved they actively don’t contact me when they’re supposed to. I’ve even spoke to the team before trying to get help so they have my history and details.
The world feels like an alien space that you reach in to and feel nothing in return, it has no interest in me or reaction.
>>281584
>An issue out of my control
100% sure this is a lie. The cops cannot find out you want to KYS unless you tell someone. Telling people IRL that you want to kill yourself is obviously inviting this shit upon yourself. You have no one to blame but yourself.
>An issue out of my control
100% sure this is a lie. The cops cannot find out you want to KYS unless you tell someone. Telling people IRL that you want to kill yourself is obviously inviting this shit upon yourself. You have no one to blame but yourself.
>>281584
That's why you should denounce this world. You're literally on your own in anything you do. People only ever form "connections" with those they view as healthy, interesting, promising, whatever. Did you notice how there's absolutely no such thing as friendship in very poor countries/regions? People there might form alliances for the sake of survival but everyone is essentially an enemy for everyone else. They have no sympathetic feeling to anyone of their own circles. All this altruism meme comes from rich countries where people have enough resources to invest their time in other people expecting nothing in return but some emotional response. Don't fall for this meme. Everyone is enemy, especially if you don't live in a rich region. Reaching out for this world to get something meaningful in return is a terrible delusion and waste of time. The only response you'll ever be able to get is a fleeting pity which will not make your life any less miserable.
>>281587
Reminder that usually people do the 'i'm gonna kms' thing for the sake of emotional outlet and this is literally cry for help. It might be well out of control, just like with that OCD anon from the previous thread, because it's mental health so it doesn't exactly ask your permission to fuck something up.
That's why you should denounce this world. You're literally on your own in anything you do. People only ever form "connections" with those they view as healthy, interesting, promising, whatever. Did you notice how there's absolutely no such thing as friendship in very poor countries/regions? People there might form alliances for the sake of survival but everyone is essentially an enemy for everyone else. They have no sympathetic feeling to anyone of their own circles. All this altruism meme comes from rich countries where people have enough resources to invest their time in other people expecting nothing in return but some emotional response. Don't fall for this meme. Everyone is enemy, especially if you don't live in a rich region. Reaching out for this world to get something meaningful in return is a terrible delusion and waste of time. The only response you'll ever be able to get is a fleeting pity which will not make your life any less miserable.
>>281587
Reminder that usually people do the 'i'm gonna kms' thing for the sake of emotional outlet and this is literally cry for help. It might be well out of control, just like with that OCD anon from the previous thread, because it's mental health so it doesn't exactly ask your permission to fuck something up.
>>281587
Recently thousands of people had police try to enter their homes because numerous suicide kit sellers got arrested. There’s many circumstances that can lead to things like that. How about on a tiny image board you give people the benefit of the doubt?
Recently thousands of people had police try to enter their homes because numerous suicide kit sellers got arrested. There’s many circumstances that can lead to things like that. How about on a tiny image board you give people the benefit of the doubt?
>>281591
what's the point of forbidding to sell suicide kits? they don't even do any real profit on us why are they so obsessed about keeping us alive? can somebody explain how this fucking politics work?
what's the point of forbidding to sell suicide kits? they don't even do any real profit on us why are they so obsessed about keeping us alive? can somebody explain how this fucking politics work?
Yep seems I'm on my way down yet again. This reality is too crushing. I initially thought that I'll start doing something when there's not a rat's ass left to loose anymore, but now I'm not so sure. I'm so deep in shit and I'm completely inept at solving any society related problems. Well, guess some people are just born to die, nothing too wrong about this. Just karma shitting in my face.
But I must admit it would be so much easier if I died child before consciousness took its place. This life doesn't contain anything of value and is barely tolerable when you're left alone, but when you're not it's a fucking torture. What's the goddamn point of it.
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>>281595
we're here to suffer
we're here to suffer
Had more fucked up nightmares last night. Kept me up for hours. Now I feel even worse than I did yesterday.
Fuck everything.
Fuck everything.
>>281606
sleep deprivation and random stresses really fuck it up. i've been having a terrible urge today, i barely keep my mind in check from exploding. and it's all self-inflicted. god i need to stop touching my keyboard it's dangerous
sleep deprivation and random stresses really fuck it up. i've been having a terrible urge today, i barely keep my mind in check from exploding. and it's all self-inflicted. god i need to stop touching my keyboard it's dangerous
Went to sleep probably a bit too soon after dinner yesterday. Hallucinations wouldn't even let me watch television.
Now I'm constipated again.
Now I'm constipated again.
Does anyone else have some skin eating disorder like me? Why am I doing this? I keep biting my fingers, lips and inside of my mouth
>>281674
That's likely some anxiety-related shit. I can't exactly predict whether it's good or bad, but IMO it's red flag that something's wrong with your life. On the other hand when I get really bad fits of depression I experience some weird shit during way in and on the way out. The shit has traits of a fuckload of different disorders, so I wouldn't care if it's not too persistent and uncontrollable.
That's likely some anxiety-related shit. I can't exactly predict whether it's good or bad, but IMO it's red flag that something's wrong with your life. On the other hand when I get really bad fits of depression I experience some weird shit during way in and on the way out. The shit has traits of a fuckload of different disorders, so I wouldn't care if it's not too persistent and uncontrollable.
>>281674
I used to bite the skin of my fingertips near my nails, it was really bad, shit used to be covered in warts at some point, it was gross. I think it was after I had them removed with liquid nitrogen which hurt like hell by the way I started doing it significantly less, and over a long period of time gradually completely stopped doing it
I used to bite the skin of my fingertips near my nails, it was really bad, shit used to be covered in warts at some point, it was gross. I think it was after I had them removed with liquid nitrogen which hurt like hell by the way I started doing it significantly less, and over a long period of time gradually completely stopped doing it
>mom just back from vacation
>ask her how it was
>"fine"
>just giving me one word answers
>not making eye contact
Jesus christ, fine then.
>ask her how it was
>"fine"
>just giving me one word answers
>not making eye contact
Jesus christ, fine then.
I want to do things, but I enjoy thinking about doing things way more than actually doing it.
>>281711
Same here man. I don't really get it, but I don't think about it too much. I like the idea of things.
Same here man. I don't really get it, but I don't think about it too much. I like the idea of things.
>>281713
You don't feel this nagging feeling to turn your ideas into reality? It's comfy just day dreaming. Reality is so bad. Can you blame us for dreaming?
You don't feel this nagging feeling to turn your ideas into reality? It's comfy just day dreaming. Reality is so bad. Can you blame us for dreaming?
I had a daydream once but the apparitions told me that such a daydream isn't even worthy of a doujinshi and thus they deemed me worthy of nightmares just about every night about 5 to 20 years since I began to daydream such a dream.
>>281714
i will sometimes "dip my toes" into turning my schemes into irl. usually start on the internet, as its less effort than IRL. once it yields no results. im able to say at least i tried, and not feel any regret. and assume further energy would just be wasted.
i will sometimes "dip my toes" into turning my schemes into irl. usually start on the internet, as its less effort than IRL. once it yields no results. im able to say at least i tried, and not feel any regret. and assume further energy would just be wasted.
>dude remember that one time you raped and murdered and decapitated someone and the cops came over to hand you a copy of the temporary restraining order that your therapist placed on you and then you spent the next 2 years taking trips to the courthouse where you spoke with attorneys, judges, and officers and you served 8 hours of community labor and did 1 year of court-mandated therapy and the following year the cops came over and put you in handcuffs and took you to a cell at the nearby police station before being involuntarily committed to a hospital and forcefully medicated for 72 hours and then they let you out but the next year you went back to that same police station and told the cops that you killed someone but they told you they could only call an ambulance to get some paramedics check your vitals because you were hallucinating and then months later these hallucinations are telling you to go back to the cops because you killed Kiernan Shipka or something
>>281734
Oh so those are hallucinations. Good thing you didn't kill anyone. Schizophrenia is hard.
Oh so those are hallucinations. Good thing you didn't kill anyone. Schizophrenia is hard.
>>281734
yeah I know how you feel man, that sucks. It may have been all in your head but the guilt is very real
yeah I know how you feel man, that sucks. It may have been all in your head but the guilt is very real
I’ve been outside of society for 12 years NEETing
And I forget what it feels like to be in the serious social world with a job and regular social contact with belligerent people
Rather than just passing social interactions while doing my business
And I forgot how much I hate existing in the world
How awful it makes me feel
And a reminder of how strong and visceral the desire for suicide used to be
Horrible world
And I forget what it feels like to be in the serious social world with a job and regular social contact with belligerent people
Rather than just passing social interactions while doing my business
And I forgot how much I hate existing in the world
How awful it makes me feel
And a reminder of how strong and visceral the desire for suicide used to be
Horrible world
Every few weeks I have a few days where I sleep all day, 18+ hours. I’ve been tracking my sleep and it’s somewhat consistent. I guess it’s just part of my fucked up moods.
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Does anyone else regret "getting into" anime\vidya\imageboards and weird hobbies (creepypasta, conspiracy stuff, occultism etc)?
I would like to keep my memories of some stuff but I also cringe, and cry at the amount of time, energy, money I spent in this shit since I was a pre-teen.
If I could tell my past-selve I could tell him "wait until youre like 20, then binge-watch every anime you like in the holiday months and then keep living normally".
This shit pains me. Being a "nerd" isnt fun. I dont wish I was a "jock" but ,I do wish I was someone useful and productive and adjusted to reality
I would like to keep my memories of some stuff but I also cringe, and cry at the amount of time, energy, money I spent in this shit since I was a pre-teen.
If I could tell my past-selve I could tell him "wait until youre like 20, then binge-watch every anime you like in the holiday months and then keep living normally".
This shit pains me. Being a "nerd" isnt fun. I dont wish I was a "jock" but ,I do wish I was someone useful and productive and adjusted to reality
>>281833
Yeah but then I remember why I developed such hobbies and interests in the first place. Because nobody likes me. And as I get older; I come to realize that nobody will ever like me. So all of these hobbies and interests that I have are fruitless. They're not meant to help me improve; they're meant to help me pass the time until the day I die.
Yeah but then I remember why I developed such hobbies and interests in the first place. Because nobody likes me. And as I get older; I come to realize that nobody will ever like me. So all of these hobbies and interests that I have are fruitless. They're not meant to help me improve; they're meant to help me pass the time until the day I die.
>>281833
I do wish I read books but I was seeing reading as a chore and thought that if I would read something it would be non-fiction for educational purposes only. Because video games and anime give you a highly processed version of what you read in books and because I also lacked any social experiences I feel like I am experiencing life in a dumbed down way. I feel bored interacting with people like me who only consume shallow content and I am way uneducated to interact with intellectuals.
I do wish I read books but I was seeing reading as a chore and thought that if I would read something it would be non-fiction for educational purposes only. Because video games and anime give you a highly processed version of what you read in books and because I also lacked any social experiences I feel like I am experiencing life in a dumbed down way. I feel bored interacting with people like me who only consume shallow content and I am way uneducated to interact with intellectuals.
>>281834
>>281836
if I could change my past…I would enforce for my mini-self rules such as "no anime, no tv\cartoons\movies, no videogames"
if i had done that + Ancestor Cell retention since forever, I would be so, SO powerful right now. a kickboxing champion or a SWAT policeman. Music has ruined my life. Magazines started rotting apart my soul when I was a fucking toddler.
>>281836
if I could change my past…I would enforce for my mini-self rules such as "no anime, no tv\cartoons\movies, no videogames"
if i had done that + Ancestor Cell retention since forever, I would be so, SO powerful right now. a kickboxing champion or a SWAT policeman. Music has ruined my life. Magazines started rotting apart my soul when I was a fucking toddler.
>>281834
Basically this. I'd like to think I could've turned out of different if I did X instead but realistically I doubt it would have had much of an impact. You have your interests for a reason, don't you?
Basically this. I'd like to think I could've turned out of different if I did X instead but realistically I doubt it would have had much of an impact. You have your interests for a reason, don't you?
>>281841
It's just escapism, nothing to hate yourself for. This life is horrible and those who are actually content with it are either lucky or (most of them) retarded normies themselves. From my POV being content with all this bullshit that happens around is a huge LMAO and I unironically perceive people who tell life is OK as not normal, even though their accumulative moniker is normalfags.
It's just escapism, nothing to hate yourself for. This life is horrible and those who are actually content with it are either lucky or (most of them) retarded normies themselves. From my POV being content with all this bullshit that happens around is a huge LMAO and I unironically perceive people who tell life is OK as not normal, even though their accumulative moniker is normalfags.
>>281845
I feel similarly but I'm not quite there with feeling as if everything is my fault. I'm pretty much 100% certain that my lot in life isn't entirely my own fault, but there's next to nothing that I can do about this.
Perhaps in due time; I'll have no choice but to accept my role in life as my family's scapegoat.
I feel similarly but I'm not quite there with feeling as if everything is my fault. I'm pretty much 100% certain that my lot in life isn't entirely my own fault, but there's next to nothing that I can do about this.
Perhaps in due time; I'll have no choice but to accept my role in life as my family's scapegoat.
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>>281842
>>281846
>>281845
dear frens; How can we (or at least I\me) spend more time with my boomer parents? Or stop ,at least, using the internet\manga\ vidya and media in general?
do I take up meditation? play my guitar all day? i seek the "enlightenment" of every day life…a pre-electronics life, that is.
>>281846
>>281845
dear frens; How can we (or at least I\me) spend more time with my boomer parents? Or stop ,at least, using the internet\manga\ vidya and media in general?
do I take up meditation? play my guitar all day? i seek the "enlightenment" of every day life…a pre-electronics life, that is.
>>281849
The best advice I can offer you is to find a psychiatrist who will prescribe Adderall to you. I only say this because it worked for me until one of my psychiatrists decided to stop prescribing it to me this year. Also Adderall has varying effects on different people and might even have different effects on the same person depending on multiple determinant factors.
The best advice I can offer you is to find a psychiatrist who will prescribe Adderall to you. I only say this because it worked for me until one of my psychiatrists decided to stop prescribing it to me this year. Also Adderall has varying effects on different people and might even have different effects on the same person depending on multiple determinant factors.
>>281857
Seems like the jizz went your brain. You talk in a very…let's say "epic" manner that is reminiscent of autism. Maybe you'd get more reciprocity out of people and enjoy social interaction more if you started speaking more naturally and stopped being obsessed with masturbation.
Also, don't abuse psychiatric drugs. They're more likely to create problems than solve them. Feel bad for this sorry chump that got hooked then his dealer cut him off and now has a whole host of sleeping and attention problems, more than he started with (>>281859).
Seems like the jizz went your brain. You talk in a very…let's say "epic" manner that is reminiscent of autism. Maybe you'd get more reciprocity out of people and enjoy social interaction more if you started speaking more naturally and stopped being obsessed with masturbation.
Also, don't abuse psychiatric drugs. They're more likely to create problems than solve them. Feel bad for this sorry chump that got hooked then his dealer cut him off and now has a whole host of sleeping and attention problems, more than he started with (>>281859).
>>281859
Stimulants multiply your habits. If you're productive, you're 10x productive. If you're lazy, you edge to porn for 10 hours.
Stimulants multiply your habits. If you're productive, you're 10x productive. If you're lazy, you edge to porn for 10 hours.
>>281860
whats that? get more? do you imply my Seed Retention does not SUFFICE to provoke massive awe upon my charisma?
whats that? get more? do you imply my Seed Retention does not SUFFICE to provoke massive awe upon my charisma?
>>281864
Shut up retard. NoFap is as much "magical thinking" as eating or exercsing. It's about which chemicals the body must expunge and what it gets to use.
Shut up retard. NoFap is as much "magical thinking" as eating or exercsing. It's about which chemicals the body must expunge and what it gets to use.
>>281865
Sure, man. You just gotta believe and the universe will give you what you want. Collect the energy in your balls and turn it into life energy for your "enlightenment".
Sure, man. You just gotta believe and the universe will give you what you want. Collect the energy in your balls and turn it into life energy for your "enlightenment".
I feel as if the collective unconscious mind of mankind decided to repeatedly sabotage my attempts at improving myself. It's as if every year that I feel that I'm finally going to get my shit together–this collective smacked me across the face and told me, "shit the fuck back down." In late-2019–it would seem that I began to literally see and hear this collective. What did it first begin to tell me? "Sit down and enjoy the ride." Oh. And, "sit the fuck up," along with, "shut the fuck up."
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>just as COVID started I bought a PS4, Switch and gaming PC with a truckload of exciting games on Steam sale to pass all the free time I had
>had 0 obligations, me staying at home doing nothing was seen as "staying safe" and doing the right thing
>get addicted to watching twitch streams and playing 1 multiplayer game
>played like 1% of all the games I bought
>never touch them even though I still have a lot of free time
>have to get a job soon
>now suddenly I have the desire to play all these games
I feel like I am so exceptionally weak willed and 0 attention span having.
>had 0 obligations, me staying at home doing nothing was seen as "staying safe" and doing the right thing
>get addicted to watching twitch streams and playing 1 multiplayer game
>played like 1% of all the games I bought
>never touch them even though I still have a lot of free time
>have to get a job soon
>now suddenly I have the desire to play all these games
I feel like I am so exceptionally weak willed and 0 attention span having.
Can't believe I am now 6 figures in debt, no friends, 30, addicted to several substances and everything I used to enjoy is gone.
Crazy how life comes at ya.
Crazy how life comes at ya.
>>281921
I got non-hodgkin's lymphoma and had to get radiation and chemo + other stuff. It costs a lot and I was uninsured. I got into drugs because what the hell, I didn't have much left.
I got non-hodgkin's lymphoma and had to get radiation and chemo + other stuff. It costs a lot and I was uninsured. I got into drugs because what the hell, I didn't have much left.
Had to put my 23 year old cat down yesterday. My mom called me this morning that she had a car accident.
I feel numb or pure hatred. Guess that's how I cope from now on.
I feel numb or pure hatred. Guess that's how I cope from now on.
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>>281927
>23 year old cat
Wiz. Your cat didn't 'die'. Your cat 'lived'. 23 years of life with your loving family, running around, playing, eating the choicest of Pâté. Probably saw a gnome or two. 23 years is a long time for a cat to exist. Cat-sama's passing was not untimely and so you should celebrate the life Cat-sama had lived, rather than cursing the few seconds of death Cat-sama endured.
>>281928
>What can you do.
We can find the names and addresses of the few Rockefellers who bought the patents to radiology equipment and charge a minimum $1,000 royalty to the hospital every time they are used. We can smash their legs, rip their eyes out, and set them on fire and make their children watch them boil alive in a bath of their own bubbling kosher fat.
>23 year old cat
Wiz. Your cat didn't 'die'. Your cat 'lived'. 23 years of life with your loving family, running around, playing, eating the choicest of Pâté. Probably saw a gnome or two. 23 years is a long time for a cat to exist. Cat-sama's passing was not untimely and so you should celebrate the life Cat-sama had lived, rather than cursing the few seconds of death Cat-sama endured.
>>281928
>What can you do.
We can find the names and addresses of the few Rockefellers who bought the patents to radiology equipment and charge a minimum $1,000 royalty to the hospital every time they are used. We can smash their legs, rip their eyes out, and set them on fire and make their children watch them boil alive in a bath of their own bubbling kosher fat.
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>>281866
>>281864
>>281865
Watch how starving e-succubi (or whatever) come here to turn you into a coomer, wizzies. But we know better.
All these things they mock are kind of mostly what we pursue, so let them run their holes all day about it, we just ignore sarcasm as if mockeries were being told seriously
>collect the energy in your balls
Imagine failing at improvements because some /b/tard mocked them at the internet, that's pobly how many normies secretly ruin each other so they don't have much left than passing the ball around
>>281864
>>281865
Watch how starving e-succubi (or whatever) come here to turn you into a coomer, wizzies. But we know better.
All these things they mock are kind of mostly what we pursue, so let them run their holes all day about it, we just ignore sarcasm as if mockeries were being told seriously
>collect the energy in your balls
Imagine failing at improvements because some /b/tard mocked them at the internet, that's pobly how many normies secretly ruin each other so they don't have much left than passing the ball around
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>>281923
Acidified bodies, do this.
Stressed minds help too, you turn off your nervous system passivity so reparations go down the drain.
>and about nervous passivity comes this around
>clip related: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ir7Tpbj_vRA
Acidified bodies, do this.
Stressed minds help too, you turn off your nervous system passivity so reparations go down the drain.
>and about nervous passivity comes this around
>clip related: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ir7Tpbj_vRA
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I don't know how to describe how I feel. I can't. I feel like there is something inside me. I don't know how to describe what it is. But it feels like something very important. It's like my life force. It feels like a flame or a diamond, and it wants to grow. I don't know, it feels very important. It's original and genuine. No one can see it, but it exists and it's real.
I feel like the freest person on the planet. I feel like I can do unscripted things. Like I can swim against the current. Like I can choose. I feel like I have cheat codes. It doesn't matter that I'm poor, ugly, stupid or anything else, I feel like I'm freest. I wouldn't want to be born as anyone else. I feel like the luckiest, most privileged person on the planet.
I have a feeling, an instinct or intuition, and I believe this very much, more than what I can see with my own eyes, hear with my own ears, or touch with my own fingers.
I don't know how to describe this. There are things I must do, there are things I must make, build, write, create. But I won't get to. I'm limited by the physical world, and by my own body. I believe if your will is strong enough, you should be able to overcome anything, but it's just not looking good for me.
I don't know. I keep trying to but I can't describe what I feel, I can't describe what I can see. There are so many things. I wish I could "show not tell".
I feel like the freest person on the planet. I feel like I can do unscripted things. Like I can swim against the current. Like I can choose. I feel like I have cheat codes. It doesn't matter that I'm poor, ugly, stupid or anything else, I feel like I'm freest. I wouldn't want to be born as anyone else. I feel like the luckiest, most privileged person on the planet.
I have a feeling, an instinct or intuition, and I believe this very much, more than what I can see with my own eyes, hear with my own ears, or touch with my own fingers.
I don't know how to describe this. There are things I must do, there are things I must make, build, write, create. But I won't get to. I'm limited by the physical world, and by my own body. I believe if your will is strong enough, you should be able to overcome anything, but it's just not looking good for me.
I don't know. I keep trying to but I can't describe what I feel, I can't describe what I can see. There are so many things. I wish I could "show not tell".
When my depression ends I take a giant shit. This is the sign I will be OK for a few days. A mans life signposted by his toilet bowl, what a sick sad little world.
Schizophrenia? I'm not an expert, but "feeling something growing inside of you" sounds psychotic. Or it might be manic episode. I don't know what it feels like, but people describe it as a state when thoughts jump on you and you're so happy and energetic and want to do so much things. Sometimes people end up doing nothing, because the flow is too much for them. Maybe you should consider getting treatment.
>>281927
You probably heard it already, but nonetheless I find it very comforting when I feel like shit.
https://vomitory.bandcamp.com/album/redemption-bonus-edition
Also, found these new AA-worship guys on MeloDeath recommendations thread on Metal Archives, and they sound real nice.
https://ryvendir.bandcamp.com/album/loremaster
Also, take a look at this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLgAepI9C0c
If you happen to be an expert and heard all of this, could you recommend me some nice quality death metal?
You probably heard it already, but nonetheless I find it very comforting when I feel like shit.
https://vomitory.bandcamp.com/album/redemption-bonus-edition
Also, found these new AA-worship guys on MeloDeath recommendations thread on Metal Archives, and they sound real nice.
https://ryvendir.bandcamp.com/album/loremaster
Also, take a look at this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLgAepI9C0c
If you happen to be an expert and heard all of this, could you recommend me some nice quality death metal?
>>281936
You described a feeling that I kinda feel but could never express. I might be very well misunderstanding you though and projecting.
I don't feel like I got cheat codes and that I am the luckiest but despite feeling miserable most of the time I do also not really want to be anyone else because I feel aware and unbiased and worry I would lose that if I was anyone else. But I also feel hard capped by my body. Like running a video game with amazing graphics on a PC that can't handle it.
But by now the internet with its cynicism broke me where I just assume that feeling any potential in myself is just an illusion and a way to feel good without having achieved anything like smart but lazy people who scored high on an IQ test and yet just shitpost and play video games all day.
I love exploring feelings deeply like that but imageboards are a bad place for it and every time I try I just get ignored.
You described a feeling that I kinda feel but could never express. I might be very well misunderstanding you though and projecting.
I don't feel like I got cheat codes and that I am the luckiest but despite feeling miserable most of the time I do also not really want to be anyone else because I feel aware and unbiased and worry I would lose that if I was anyone else. But I also feel hard capped by my body. Like running a video game with amazing graphics on a PC that can't handle it.
But by now the internet with its cynicism broke me where I just assume that feeling any potential in myself is just an illusion and a way to feel good without having achieved anything like smart but lazy people who scored high on an IQ test and yet just shitpost and play video games all day.
I love exploring feelings deeply like that but imageboards are a bad place for it and every time I try I just get ignored.
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>>281936
For real too many amongst you should really delve about holotropic breathwork asap
Visiting Grof's page is usually easier than swallowing the book, don't let this pic deceive you.
For real too many amongst you should really delve about holotropic breathwork asap
Visiting Grof's page is usually easier than swallowing the book, don't let this pic deceive you.
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>>281959
Even if I wished to give feedback to you, I couldn't even wonder what to say. Listen the holowiz, do not let it die as distant feel, go the depths of your mind.
Even if I wished to give feedback to you, I couldn't even wonder what to say. Listen the holowiz, do not let it die as distant feel, go the depths of your mind.
>>281930
Thanks.
>>281958
proly you know the classics like
Suffocation or Bolt Thrower.
I can point a few starting bands and you can find something related on last.fm
If you are into more brutal/grind - Mortician - caveman riffs + sick samples = superfun
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2aTYqkG7Vqk
If you are into classic stuff - Nile -
catchy riffs mostly
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4pzLJdHddU
Techdeath - Necrophagist - just listen to this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Niuy_GqpU1s
Not into melodeath but Noumena sounded cool to me in hs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e1SlvLAQf-A&list=OLAK5uy_mnSLz9K6uNtVlNJk4Hxw7TA4AXjRyGnaQ&index=1
A playlist with instrumentals only
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=McRulzCNKmo&list=PLys9wJpMe3BBR6qlBai-m8aFBt_A1X6Qo
Now, if you want the good stuff check this mix - bands are in the comments - start from here
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cT35r_G_-cU
Remember the fun is in exploring and collecting.
Thanks.
>>281958
proly you know the classics like
Suffocation or Bolt Thrower.
I can point a few starting bands and you can find something related on last.fm
If you are into more brutal/grind - Mortician - caveman riffs + sick samples = superfun
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2aTYqkG7Vqk
If you are into classic stuff - Nile -
catchy riffs mostly
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4pzLJdHddU
Techdeath - Necrophagist - just listen to this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Niuy_GqpU1s
Not into melodeath but Noumena sounded cool to me in hs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e1SlvLAQf-A&list=OLAK5uy_mnSLz9K6uNtVlNJk4Hxw7TA4AXjRyGnaQ&index=1
A playlist with instrumentals only
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=McRulzCNKmo&list=PLys9wJpMe3BBR6qlBai-m8aFBt_A1X6Qo
Now, if you want the good stuff check this mix - bands are in the comments - start from here
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cT35r_G_-cU
Remember the fun is in exploring and collecting.
>>281936
>I believe if your will is strong enough, you should be able to overcome anything
Stimulants
"Willpower" is bullshit.
>I believe if your will is strong enough, you should be able to overcome anything
Stimulants
"Willpower" is bullshit.
>>281973
>"Willpower" is bullshit.
Tell that to all the guys who overcame their survival instincts and jumped off a building, jackass. Retards pushing drugs instead of promoting mental fortitude is why men's health forums are so awful these days.
>"Willpower" is bullshit.
Tell that to all the guys who overcame their survival instincts and jumped off a building, jackass. Retards pushing drugs instead of promoting mental fortitude is why men's health forums are so awful these days.
Fuck. It definitely feels as if I'm regressing into a child. It's as if I had childhood schizophrenia which just became dementia praecox when I turned 18 and then I began to develop early onset Alzheimer's as I entered my 30s which will obviously lead me into dementia proper. This basically means that my mind will go first (assuming that it hasn't already) and before I realize that my body has gone as well; I'll be back to where I started.
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these photos, photos like these, are tagged as "suburban hell" but for me theyre a PARADISE.
I wish, I really do, I live in an american suburb. my own little place in the world, monotonous non-threatening bubble…a "micro cosmos" of human interactions and safety nets. I really wish I lived in a suruban "hell"
I wish, I really do, I live in an american suburb. my own little place in the world, monotonous non-threatening bubble…a "micro cosmos" of human interactions and safety nets. I really wish I lived in a suruban "hell"
>>281979
I've wondered for a long time whether or not I'd be allowed to purchase a property in one of those neighborhoods, tear down the house, and build like 10-story building with a bunker underneath it all just for me to live in and pretty much never have to go outside. I could have a bedroom at the top so that I can watch the Sun rise and the Sun set every day from my bedroom as my building towers over all others in the area.
I've wondered for a long time whether or not I'd be allowed to purchase a property in one of those neighborhoods, tear down the house, and build like 10-story building with a bunker underneath it all just for me to live in and pretty much never have to go outside. I could have a bedroom at the top so that I can watch the Sun rise and the Sun set every day from my bedroom as my building towers over all others in the area.
>>281982
I don't know how you expect to get all that dirt out of there without anyone noticing. If your neighbors notice you doing something big without a permit they will probably rat on you.
I don't know how you expect to get all that dirt out of there without anyone noticing. If your neighbors notice you doing something big without a permit they will probably rat on you.
>>281983
What if I destroy the ranch-style house and build a perfectly rectangular house over it that completely covers the entire property including the front and back yards and then I buy a large truck that regularly transports dirt out of there so that nobody would notice that I'm building downward?
What if I destroy the ranch-style house and build a perfectly rectangular house over it that completely covers the entire property including the front and back yards and then I buy a large truck that regularly transports dirt out of there so that nobody would notice that I'm building downward?
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>>281979
even slums in fourth-world areas seem extremely comfy or even cozy for (me)
maybe im just a weirdo.
even slums in fourth-world areas seem extremely comfy or even cozy for (me)
maybe im just a weirdo.
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>>281986
I sometimes like to fantasize about what it'd be like to have had my own little corner in Kowloon city where I could live hidden in a bunker by myself with increased security and sanitation because I'm a germophobe.
I sometimes like to fantasize about what it'd be like to have had my own little corner in Kowloon city where I could live hidden in a bunker by myself with increased security and sanitation because I'm a germophobe.
>>281994
Always been weirdly fascinated by Kowloon in the 80s. Not even sure what it's like anymore, but I can imagine it's mostly been torn down and replaced.
Always been weirdly fascinated by Kowloon in the 80s. Not even sure what it's like anymore, but I can imagine it's mostly been torn down and replaced.
>>281994
I have similar daydreams about living in a sealed cavity somewhere in the structure of a normal residential building. For example in the concrete core. I would have a desk with my computer, some kind of compact bathroom facility and sneak out at night to obtain food.
I have similar daydreams about living in a sealed cavity somewhere in the structure of a normal residential building. For example in the concrete core. I would have a desk with my computer, some kind of compact bathroom facility and sneak out at night to obtain food.
There is a horrible resentment when you see assholes and abusive people derive great benefit and progress from shit like meditation or religion. Spent years reading and practicing shit and I struggle to do anything in this world, suffering. And then the person I see who constantly abuses other people, gossips, makes fun of the less fortunate, well they meditate and they are so happy and more content from it. They still do the nasty shit and it doesn't matter. And then they will be smug and talk down to you, insult you, say "see i did it why don't you just solve your problems". It is a depressing world that grinds you down entirely. There is almost no meaningful communication when interacting with other humans.
>>282021
Reaching enlightenment and still dunking on all the other apes around you while they seethe.
Reaching enlightenment and still dunking on all the other apes around you while they seethe.
>>282028
I know the frustration, guess I shouldn't have "lectured" you on /dep/. An asshole really destroyed my mood for today, so me saying
>just get over it
was more like my own cope.
I know the frustration, guess I shouldn't have "lectured" you on /dep/. An asshole really destroyed my mood for today, so me saying
>just get over it
was more like my own cope.
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>>282033
I'm in a bad mood too. It's not a big deal, let's just chill.
I'm in a bad mood too. It's not a big deal, let's just chill.
>>282039
Doesn´t change the fact that i live rent free in your head.
You´re so bored with the mundane that you have to come on a board filled with virgin men ~so that weasels like yourself can preserve your precious little ego.
Enjoy your soy latte.
Doesn´t change the fact that i live rent free in your head.
You´re so bored with the mundane that you have to come on a board filled with virgin men ~so that weasels like yourself can preserve your precious little ego.
Enjoy your soy latte.
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I tried communicating, there was something I was supposed to say, but I couldn't. It causes me a lot of mental anguish when I try to communicate but every attempt is ineffective, so I will stop. It's not that I don't want to communicate, but it didn't work well. No one believes me and there's not much time left in my life, so I have to stop.
>>282046
If half of reddit comes here, it may aswell stop being an image board for celibates who seek some peace of mind.
A self fulfilling prophecy, now off yourself.
If half of reddit comes here, it may aswell stop being an image board for celibates who seek some peace of mind.
A self fulfilling prophecy, now off yourself.
Even dogs can't escape genetics. Some dogs are just insensitive to stimuli, unafraid of interacting with other aggressive dogs and just a go getter with food and prey. If I were a puppy I'd fail all their tests. One interesting thing in particular they test for is food drive and prey drive. Apparently some animals are so sensitive they wouldn't eat a food in front of them if they're stressed, even while starving. Maybe that's me. I never have the drive to do anything no matter how simple it is or how important it is to me. I just don't have the genetic drive to action.
>>282051
Puppy #1 is going to go on to rip so many niggers' arms off it's unreal. What a champ.
Puppy #1 is going to go on to rip so many niggers' arms off it's unreal. What a champ.
Creepy imagery in my nightmares keep coming back.
Also; I now find myself repeatedly stating, "I officially don't understand the point of therapy." It's something that I can recall repeatedly stating in previous years such as 2017, 2018, and 2019. But every year I think, "perhaps I missed something," and I decide to give therapy another shot. Unfortunately, therapy has ended up being terribly underwhelming and disappointing. "Maybe I'm not giving it a good chance," I would sometimes think. But then a courthouse had me go through one whole year of court-mandated therapy in 2021. Where is the therapist now? He retired in 2021. Did I improve? Nope. Am I still hallucinating? Yep. Was I prescribed antipsychotics? Yeah. Did I take them? That I did. Was I involuntarily hospitalized? That I was.
I officially don't understand the point of therapy.
Also; I now find myself repeatedly stating, "I officially don't understand the point of therapy." It's something that I can recall repeatedly stating in previous years such as 2017, 2018, and 2019. But every year I think, "perhaps I missed something," and I decide to give therapy another shot. Unfortunately, therapy has ended up being terribly underwhelming and disappointing. "Maybe I'm not giving it a good chance," I would sometimes think. But then a courthouse had me go through one whole year of court-mandated therapy in 2021. Where is the therapist now? He retired in 2021. Did I improve? Nope. Am I still hallucinating? Yep. Was I prescribed antipsychotics? Yeah. Did I take them? That I did. Was I involuntarily hospitalized? That I was.
I officially don't understand the point of therapy.
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looks like the right wing might win the next election in my country and then it's bye bye NEETbux
idk what to do. I will vote but my 1 vote won't change much. is the programing meme still viable? any way to reliably earn income from home in the future as a wiz with 0 education right now?
idk what to do. I will vote but my 1 vote won't change much. is the programing meme still viable? any way to reliably earn income from home in the future as a wiz with 0 education right now?
>>282056
What kind of NEETbux are you getting? Unemployment, disability…? They won't cut disabilitybux, ever. If they did, there would be serious outrage. Dunno where you live, but the worst they can do is freeze the gibs and not raise them despite inflation making life harder for us disabled NEETs.
What kind of NEETbux are you getting? Unemployment, disability…? They won't cut disabilitybux, ever. If they did, there would be serious outrage. Dunno where you live, but the worst they can do is freeze the gibs and not raise them despite inflation making life harder for us disabled NEETs.
I was sitting at my computer and I found myself coming back to this song called "I feel ok so I guess that means Im fine" by cyborg9k. now the artists name may be a bad first impression, and it is an "epunk" song, but the white noise kind of feel it gives off is cozy to me, as well as the other instrumentals.
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how can I help people, random people from extremely random scenarios (urban congo, small village in bolivia, suburb of a big usa city, etc) from the internet? I want to gift them money, or ship them items, or food or supplies.
I want to be like (((mrbea*t))) but without showcasing my own bountiful charity to anyone.
I want to be like (((mrbea*t))) but without showcasing my own bountiful charity to anyone.
This world is completely oblivious to your suffering. It just marches on looking down on you like on a some mistake and nuisance, harrying crush and forget your. Normies never notice because they're soul of this beast. But I just wish the machine to be finally splintered. I want to watch it self destroying under the impact of its own momentum. That would be so relieving…
>>282080
Dead end. But that doesn't stop people from insisting that I "get help". So what am I to do? Not much. Every once in awhile I think that I should give therapy another shot. Why? Because I got nothing better to do.
Dead end. But that doesn't stop people from insisting that I "get help". So what am I to do? Not much. Every once in awhile I think that I should give therapy another shot. Why? Because I got nothing better to do.
>>282093
>But that doesn't stop people from insisting that I "get help".
Because they're braindead.
>Because I got nothing better to do.
Sure wiz. Maybe one day you'll be lucky and actually get help you need. Don't give up!
>But that doesn't stop people from insisting that I "get help".
Because they're braindead.
>Because I got nothing better to do.
Sure wiz. Maybe one day you'll be lucky and actually get help you need. Don't give up!
>>282095
I've already given up. That's why I have nothing better to do.
Nowadays I approach therapy like a curiosity out of boredom. Every once in awhile I get an "itch" to "experiment". "What if I say this? How would the therapist respond?" I sometimes ask myself.
I've already given up. That's why I have nothing better to do.
Nowadays I approach therapy like a curiosity out of boredom. Every once in awhile I get an "itch" to "experiment". "What if I say this? How would the therapist respond?" I sometimes ask myself.
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I have been thinking of conducing a "Ritual" -so to speak-
Based on ancient mahayana Sutras, the idea is : for 3 whole months, to never sleep even for the snap of finger, and ,for those 3 whole months, to NOT-think of sex\lust\succubi for longer than the snap of finger
I believe if I can pull this off, and go trough, and accomplish, I will obtain almost infinite happiness
Based on ancient mahayana Sutras, the idea is : for 3 whole months, to never sleep even for the snap of finger, and ,for those 3 whole months, to NOT-think of sex\lust\succubi for longer than the snap of finger
I believe if I can pull this off, and go trough, and accomplish, I will obtain almost infinite happiness
>>282099
That's the first step I took to finally experience some happiness in my life, when you give up you don't care and without cares man is happier
That's the first step I took to finally experience some happiness in my life, when you give up you don't care and without cares man is happier
Aw crap the thought-forms are doing it again. They're inducing synesthesia and scrambling my memories among doing other fucked up shit.
amaother found my secret succubi clothes, she doesn’t understand what’s going on, I’m still 6 feet deep in the closet and no way am I coming out. When she asked if I have a “secret gf” I told her no, which was probably a mistake. She probably just thinks I’m gay or something and my whole family is extremely homophobic/transphobic etc so I’m probably fucked. She got very angry, (and still is angry) yelled what the fuck at me a few times, and days later she still kinda hates me.
In result (or as punishment idk), she burned all my succubus clothes, she’s taken all the money I own, she’s taken the door off my room, and she’s not letting me out the house much, basically monitoring me constantly. I don’t know what to do. Those clothes were like the only thing keeping me going, in a way. My mental health is sooo bad. Wtf do I do? I’m so stressed and feeling everything at once
In result (or as punishment idk), she burned all my succubus clothes, she’s taken all the money I own, she’s taken the door off my room, and she’s not letting me out the house much, basically monitoring me constantly. I don’t know what to do. Those clothes were like the only thing keeping me going, in a way. My mental health is sooo bad. Wtf do I do? I’m so stressed and feeling everything at once
I now this makes me sound like a teenager but legit no one understands me. I keep making these heartfelt posts on imageboards only for no one to respond. I feel like I'm just too much of an idealist. Everyone seems to be so practical and animalistic or someone with no clear logic who flip flops every post or ignores you once you challenge them. Maybe it's time to start reading in hopes of finding a kindred soul.
>>282098
Without sleep you'll go insane, if you're not already. Be very careful. Without thinking about succubi you'll be eternally happy, it's very wizardly to do so.
>>282114
There's nothing one can tell. This board is full of wagies, who wish with all their heart to escape their parents and they can't. The other part of wizs here are NEET. Only small fraction seems to be lucke enough to live on their own and even smallest fraction or the latter fraction lives a content life.
If you are really a teenager there's virtually no advice. It's not clear why you need to crossdress as well. If you're grown up, well, evaluate your skills, calculate your incomes assuming best effort mode and if it's feasible for you to live alone — just do that.
Without sleep you'll go insane, if you're not already. Be very careful. Without thinking about succubi you'll be eternally happy, it's very wizardly to do so.
>>282114
There's nothing one can tell. This board is full of wagies, who wish with all their heart to escape their parents and they can't. The other part of wizs here are NEET. Only small fraction seems to be lucke enough to live on their own and even smallest fraction or the latter fraction lives a content life.
If you are really a teenager there's virtually no advice. It's not clear why you need to crossdress as well. If you're grown up, well, evaluate your skills, calculate your incomes assuming best effort mode and if it's feasible for you to live alone — just do that.
>>282116
If our parents die at the same rate, we're so fucked my man. How are we going to take their place? No one even wants to defend the USA anymore, russia and china might fuck us up who knows.
If our parents die at the same rate, we're so fucked my man. How are we going to take their place? No one even wants to defend the USA anymore, russia and china might fuck us up who knows.
>>282098
Sleep is the only time your spinal fluid gets refreshed. 11 days without sleep and your spinal column will begin to seize, followed by permanent nerve damage as your central nervous system dries up. Those who can't sleep unless it's permanent require injections and transfusions to stay bendy.
Sleep is the only time your spinal fluid gets refreshed. 11 days without sleep and your spinal column will begin to seize, followed by permanent nerve damage as your central nervous system dries up. Those who can't sleep unless it's permanent require injections and transfusions to stay bendy.
Liquor store opens at 10 and I'll be there to buy some vodka so I can sleep through the day. Love my life.
>>282122
If only there were places here in Los Angeles that sold liquor 24/7… I think Las Vegas has places like that but I haven't been out there since 2009 and can barely remember.
I also coulda' sworn that there were liquor stores nearby that sold liquor until 2 AM. Nowadays they close as early as, like, 10 PM.
If only there were places here in Los Angeles that sold liquor 24/7… I think Las Vegas has places like that but I haven't been out there since 2009 and can barely remember.
I also coulda' sworn that there were liquor stores nearby that sold liquor until 2 AM. Nowadays they close as early as, like, 10 PM.
>>282124
Alcohol is such a shit. Immediately gets you hooked, because allows you to turn off for a while. Dangerous. Very dangerous. But it allows me to daydream and that's so sweet. You nonetheless go insane by staring into a wall day after day. Guess I'll go take a sip of wine to fall asleep easier.
Alcohol is such a shit. Immediately gets you hooked, because allows you to turn off for a while. Dangerous. Very dangerous. But it allows me to daydream and that's so sweet. You nonetheless go insane by staring into a wall day after day. Guess I'll go take a sip of wine to fall asleep easier.
>>282126
I was addicted to booze for a while.
It's just trash, i've stopped and haven't had a single sip for maybe 4 or 5 years.
Makes you braindead, not worth it.
I was addicted to booze for a while.
It's just trash, i've stopped and haven't had a single sip for maybe 4 or 5 years.
Makes you braindead, not worth it.
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>>282126
Yeah, I've drank every day for about 8 years. The main thing is it allows me to daydream and imagine, such that it seems real, like I have a real life. I don't like how it makes me shake and fret when I'm withdrawing. I don't feel like typing out what it has cost me.I'm drunk right now.
Yeah, I've drank every day for about 8 years. The main thing is it allows me to daydream and imagine, such that it seems real, like I have a real life. I don't like how it makes me shake and fret when I'm withdrawing. I don't feel like typing out what it has cost me.I'm drunk right now.
>>282126
Also, that's a very good, succinct explanation of why it's so awful. It allows you to turn off your feelings for $6.
Also, that's a very good, succinct explanation of why it's so awful. It allows you to turn off your feelings for $6.
Harrying to remind every one of your that not just a glass of wine will make you fall asleep better, it will also make your nightmares twice more real. Seems like I'm not getting much sleep after all.
>>282137
Consuming any alcohol doesn't make my nightmares anymore worse, but I have noticed that I tend to wake up in the middle of the night feeling very thirsty, paranoid, and with a tremendous amount of energy. Drinking water to go back to sleep seems to help somewhat.
Consuming any alcohol doesn't make my nightmares anymore worse, but I have noticed that I tend to wake up in the middle of the night feeling very thirsty, paranoid, and with a tremendous amount of energy. Drinking water to go back to sleep seems to help somewhat.
>>282140
Quite what I experienced. Spend a pretty amount of time checking every corner to make sure my nightmare wasn't real.
Quite what I experienced. Spend a pretty amount of time checking every corner to make sure my nightmare wasn't real.
Hallucinations are still telling me to go kill people. Yes, I did tell my therapist about this. They let me out after 72 hours last year.
The hallucinations have not stopped.
The hallucinations have not stopped.
>>282154
psychs should have complete immunity like priests, so that u can confess all to them. no matter how bad, better with a psych than without.
psychs should have complete immunity like priests, so that u can confess all to them. no matter how bad, better with a psych than without.
>>282157
I suspect that one or two kills will not appease the hallucinations. Nor will ten. Nor will a hundred.
I suspect that one or two kills will not appease the hallucinations. Nor will ten. Nor will a hundred.
I feel as if destiny decided that after my older brother confirmed that my biological father (my older brother's stepfather) was a poor father and claimed to have attempted to take my father's place… destiny saw how much of a failure my older brother was of a father not just with his own (now deceased) son, but also with me… destiny decided to make me my own father.
And I didn't even get a time machine.
And I didn't even get a time machine.
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