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Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.
Theme:
https://youtu.be/_ioc6sdgugo
Theme:
https://youtu.be/_ioc6sdgugo
I am in total despair. My life is over. I have already made every good memory I'll ever make. Distractions don't work anymore, hopelessness is at the forefront of my mind at all times. The real gravity of my situation has finally dawned on me and I can no longer ignore it. I'm terrified and deeply mournful. I wish my life could have been more than this.
>>202215
I feelt like that every day for the last few years and it only got worse after I hit the 30's.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_TWVGHtRWAY
I feelt like that every day for the last few years and it only got worse after I hit the 30's.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_TWVGHtRWAY
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Just a reminder to watch all DHMIS again.
https://www.youtube.com/user/thisisitcollective/videos
https://www.youtube.com/user/thisisitcollective/videos
I have more edge than the world's bismuth reserve. Phase my ass. My angst is increasing exponentially as I get older.
>>202254
Really? I'm getting more calmer. Maybe that's because of Howard's therapy of constant spam of butthurt pictures.
Really? I'm getting more calmer. Maybe that's because of Howard's therapy of constant spam of butthurt pictures.
>>202224
Why French exactly?
I'm American so I regret taking it in highschool. The only places that really speak it that I'd ever be able to visit are just enclaves on this continent. Spanish is everywhere over here though.
Why French exactly?
I'm American so I regret taking it in highschool. The only places that really speak it that I'd ever be able to visit are just enclaves on this continent. Spanish is everywhere over here though.
>>202255
I can't really figure out the exact reason for my case. My family starting to show their contempt to me helps. Me starting to put in effort at things and getting frustrated by my own incompetence is also a factor. But maybe I am just getting fed up and things are snapping inside my head.
I can't really figure out the exact reason for my case. My family starting to show their contempt to me helps. Me starting to put in effort at things and getting frustrated by my own incompetence is also a factor. But maybe I am just getting fed up and things are snapping inside my head.
>>202256
French from France, obviously.
I want to be able to read Cioran in French. I like their music and I might move there in the future.
It's useless only if you don't know what to do with it.
French from France, obviously.
I want to be able to read Cioran in French. I like their music and I might move there in the future.
It's useless only if you don't know what to do with it.
If you’ve accepted that you cannot commit suicide because of your drive to protect your family it does not mean you can return to the world. Your suicide was the response to a life you did not want to live and in many ways a response to a dysfunction at the very core of your being. Your existence was not a happiness that was coming to an end, it was the premature end to a dysfunctional suffering. Now you return to life you are not returning to a blank page, you are not returning to a new leaf, you are returning to the tragedy.
The Demiurge makes some lives tragedies and no matter how much you try to reframe it as a comedy or a challenge it remains a tragedy for some. They suffer, all their work is for nothing, and then there is silence as they’re brushed aside. You will dedicate your life to your family but you are still part of their tragedy. You have your role acting it out and will watch everything crumble. Your slowly deteriorating mental health and increasing dysfunction will cause suffering, your inability to function ahead of time will be unable to preempt problems. Your family is dysfunctional and suffering too. You are a tragedy within a tragedy. You are preventing something worse but this is palliative care for those you care about, this is making the ride smoother on a crash landing plane. You are part of the tragedy in your families life and the one holding back worse, you are an actor in this suffering, an agent. You are part of the Demiurge’s story and will remain so until death. To try and understand the world as anything other than this will lead to confusion because it’s true.
The Demiurge makes some lives tragedies and no matter how much you try to reframe it as a comedy or a challenge it remains a tragedy for some. They suffer, all their work is for nothing, and then there is silence as they’re brushed aside. You will dedicate your life to your family but you are still part of their tragedy. You have your role acting it out and will watch everything crumble. Your slowly deteriorating mental health and increasing dysfunction will cause suffering, your inability to function ahead of time will be unable to preempt problems. Your family is dysfunctional and suffering too. You are a tragedy within a tragedy. You are preventing something worse but this is palliative care for those you care about, this is making the ride smoother on a crash landing plane. You are part of the tragedy in your families life and the one holding back worse, you are an actor in this suffering, an agent. You are part of the Demiurge’s story and will remain so until death. To try and understand the world as anything other than this will lead to confusion because it’s true.
>>202265
I liked your text. I can't do anything without feeling this constant discomfort and fear of the imminent disaster.
I liked your text. I can't do anything without feeling this constant discomfort and fear of the imminent disaster.
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>be neet
>spend most days reading books and learning about stuff I like
>eventually forced to get a job
>get a shitty retail job (thankfully somewhere where I don't have to interact with people)
>barely have time after work, spend most of it on inane stuff like cleaning and videogames
>have so little energy after work I can't bring myself to pick up my old books and resume reading
>repeat ad infinitum quisque dei
amazing how work is mental suicide
>spend most days reading books and learning about stuff I like
>eventually forced to get a job
>get a shitty retail job (thankfully somewhere where I don't have to interact with people)
>barely have time after work, spend most of it on inane stuff like cleaning and videogames
>have so little energy after work I can't bring myself to pick up my old books and resume reading
>repeat ad infinitum quisque dei
amazing how work is mental suicide
Why the fuck do my breeders need to be so loud, they'll be talking in the living room, 2 floors below me, yet somehow their gobs manage to be loud enough that they wake me up at 6-7 in the fucking morning, every day, worst part is they aren't even screaming at each other in arguments or anything, speaking at this volume is just regular for these boomers
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It pisses me off how complex the causes for depression are.
It could be a lack of some nutrient(s). It could be a strange allergy to something like gluten. It could be something preventing you from getting good sleep. It could be some autoimmune disease. Probably also several other things I can't think of right now.
And then when you are depressed and have barely any energy you are supposed to go through all these possibilities despite barely having energy to get up and shower. You can barely get yourself too cook one meal but you are supposed to cook healthy with all kinds of vegetables and herbs so you get all your nutrients. You can barely get yourself to shower but you should work out every day. You can't focus on homework but you have to read through all the semi-scientific literature to find out what could be causing your depression. And when you do finally get an appointment at a psychiatrist after calling 20 different ones and waiting 6 months you are given a drug with a 50/50 efficiency that you also have to take for at least a 1-3 months before you can tell if it works or not.
And to add another layer of tediousness to all that as if it wasn't enough for your low-energy self to deal with there are bullshitters everywhere who you also have to filter out.
Lastly because of how many symptoms depression has and because of how many people say they have it few will take you seriously if you tell them you have it.
I am getting so frustrated with it that I consider just forgetting the name "depression" exists because it feels useless. It's almost like calling every bad feeling "depression". You feel tired? Depression. You can't sleep? Depression. You sleep all the time? Depression. You have social anxiety? Depression. You have a low self-image? Depression. You have a low appetite? Depression. You overeat? Depression. You can't focus? Depression.
It could be a lack of some nutrient(s). It could be a strange allergy to something like gluten. It could be something preventing you from getting good sleep. It could be some autoimmune disease. Probably also several other things I can't think of right now.
And then when you are depressed and have barely any energy you are supposed to go through all these possibilities despite barely having energy to get up and shower. You can barely get yourself too cook one meal but you are supposed to cook healthy with all kinds of vegetables and herbs so you get all your nutrients. You can barely get yourself to shower but you should work out every day. You can't focus on homework but you have to read through all the semi-scientific literature to find out what could be causing your depression. And when you do finally get an appointment at a psychiatrist after calling 20 different ones and waiting 6 months you are given a drug with a 50/50 efficiency that you also have to take for at least a 1-3 months before you can tell if it works or not.
And to add another layer of tediousness to all that as if it wasn't enough for your low-energy self to deal with there are bullshitters everywhere who you also have to filter out.
Lastly because of how many symptoms depression has and because of how many people say they have it few will take you seriously if you tell them you have it.
I am getting so frustrated with it that I consider just forgetting the name "depression" exists because it feels useless. It's almost like calling every bad feeling "depression". You feel tired? Depression. You can't sleep? Depression. You sleep all the time? Depression. You have social anxiety? Depression. You have a low self-image? Depression. You have a low appetite? Depression. You overeat? Depression. You can't focus? Depression.
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>all those new videogames to dive into a childhood-like feeling of absolute nonexistance of self, pure excitement of adventure
>no fucking money and an old pc
>no fucking money and an old pc
My teeth are rotting, my gums are bleeding and I still can't bring myself to call the dentist. Why am I like this? Why can't I just do normal things?
I tried picking up an outdoorsy hobby and injured myself in an embarrassing and baffling way. Ended up in the hospital and now I might have to wear glasses.
>>202299
I only seem to find myself going back to scrapping cans and bottles out there every day for side money. I have no interest in much else besides photography but I have a condition called electro hypersensitivity and my camera can actually make me sick (d500 very powerful processor) so it's like gambling with my health every time for good pictures. I can't even use a computer normally, need a special quiet model enclosed case with a shield on a vga power monitor or I can also get sick like that. I'm sick of my life like this, how do you even get health problems like this? At least I can laugh sometimes at the absurdity of how bad the situation is.
I only seem to find myself going back to scrapping cans and bottles out there every day for side money. I have no interest in much else besides photography but I have a condition called electro hypersensitivity and my camera can actually make me sick (d500 very powerful processor) so it's like gambling with my health every time for good pictures. I can't even use a computer normally, need a special quiet model enclosed case with a shield on a vga power monitor or I can also get sick like that. I'm sick of my life like this, how do you even get health problems like this? At least I can laugh sometimes at the absurdity of how bad the situation is.
>>202302
Making up or believing in such phony conditions is a good way to lock yourself in to a life of torment. Have you sought out an official diagnosis for this "allergy to electricity"? There are eleven million explanations for feeling like trash all the time but being around electric currents isn't one of them.
Making up or believing in such phony conditions is a good way to lock yourself in to a life of torment. Have you sought out an official diagnosis for this "allergy to electricity"? There are eleven million explanations for feeling like trash all the time but being around electric currents isn't one of them.
>put teabag in a cup
>start pouring water
>paper label got sucked inside
>label probably printed with toxic poisonous paint in some Chineese factory by homeless kids with tuberculosis
that really got me thinking of the demiurge you guys always mention
>start pouring water
>paper label got sucked inside
>label probably printed with toxic poisonous paint in some Chineese factory by homeless kids with tuberculosis
that really got me thinking of the demiurge you guys always mention
>>202307
It's not phony, I can explain it well what happens to anyone. First you get the ear ringing, then your mental state shits the bed, and then physical illness sets in for a while and I need to take a long break. It's very systematic, it really is a life of torment. I used to have an Xbox One so I can play video games but my body couldn't handle the EMR coming out of it and I got very sick, so I had to sell it back. I can barely handle my low budget gaming pc either so that also just collects dust. All it takes is one nasty exposure and my body can throw a neurological fit with some brutal physical cascade effects for days. The worst devices for me are microphones, almost instant illness followed by wifi routers. I actually had to have it moved from my room to another room because it was making me so sick, I can't turn it off either cause my mother needs it for the TV despite never using it otherwise.
It's not phony, I can explain it well what happens to anyone. First you get the ear ringing, then your mental state shits the bed, and then physical illness sets in for a while and I need to take a long break. It's very systematic, it really is a life of torment. I used to have an Xbox One so I can play video games but my body couldn't handle the EMR coming out of it and I got very sick, so I had to sell it back. I can barely handle my low budget gaming pc either so that also just collects dust. All it takes is one nasty exposure and my body can throw a neurological fit with some brutal physical cascade effects for days. The worst devices for me are microphones, almost instant illness followed by wifi routers. I actually had to have it moved from my room to another room because it was making me so sick, I can't turn it off either cause my mother needs it for the TV despite never using it otherwise.
>>202313
I save a lot too since I'm not living alone and have over time so I had a lot to play around with. But I been saving for years now, it's become like an addiction that also saves me more. I would become severely depressed if I stopped, I just like to wander around and do something useful as I do.
I save a lot too since I'm not living alone and have over time so I had a lot to play around with. But I been saving for years now, it's become like an addiction that also saves me more. I would become severely depressed if I stopped, I just like to wander around and do something useful as I do.
Anyone else look at the suicide rates and feel that it’s surprisingly low? In 2016 (latest year I could find data for), only about 45,000 people killed themselves in the United States. That’s only about the size of a moderately large town. I guess if it were any higher than that it would be a genuine crisis instead of a peripheral one, but still, in my opinion it just seems very low what with how agreeably shit things are nowadays.
>>202316
>it just seems very low what with how agreeably shit things are nowadays.
I mean if nowadays is shit, then 95% of humans in history should have suicided
>it just seems very low what with how agreeably shit things are nowadays.
I mean if nowadays is shit, then 95% of humans in history should have suicided
>>202318
95% of 2nd and 3rd world countries population is brainwashed with ideologies or religions, which neglect suicide
95% of 1stworlders live a bareable enouth life so they don't consider suicide, even if they are not brainwashed
95% of 2nd and 3rd world countries population is brainwashed with ideologies or religions, which neglect suicide
95% of 1stworlders live a bareable enouth life so they don't consider suicide, even if they are not brainwashed
>>202254
I have been suicidal for the past few years and if there were a button that could kill me instantly in front of me I would have pushed it without much thought. Today however I have a severe headache from working too hard at "self improvement", and by working too hard I mean doing one tenth of an average normalfag's work routine because every time I exert myself my body and mind resists violently by dishing out pain and anxiety. While I was considering the idea if I may be dying, an unexpected thought surface in my mind, one that would not have risen in the previous year. I would not die until I have paid back my suffering in the world. It seems innocuous enough but the desire to live after a long period of desiring to death is pretty jarring. Perhaps it's nothing, that the worsening anger and hatred over the past weeks is just a phase and I will return to my vegetative docile state soon enough. But there is something within me that wishes for it to be a permanent change. One that pulls me out of limbo into a meaningful, progressing narrative. My life is shit and I long to turn it around. I can't do a positive heartwarming success stories like in some tv show. I need a twisted transformation for my edgy self, and this growing hatred seems to be just that. I seem to have the feeling that my hatred for others can motivate and drive me further than my previous aim of minimizing pain. I also found that by clinging to pride and keeping vengeance in mind, I can endure better the suffering this world has visited on me. Perhaps this will provide the activation energy to break free of this hell. Hopefully, by keeping my anger in mind and working diligently to cause suffering upon those that I hate, I can give my life a purpose and sense of satisfaction. Maybe being an edgy misanthrope who fantasize about terrorist acts everyday isn't a good life, but what life is?
I have been suicidal for the past few years and if there were a button that could kill me instantly in front of me I would have pushed it without much thought. Today however I have a severe headache from working too hard at "self improvement", and by working too hard I mean doing one tenth of an average normalfag's work routine because every time I exert myself my body and mind resists violently by dishing out pain and anxiety. While I was considering the idea if I may be dying, an unexpected thought surface in my mind, one that would not have risen in the previous year. I would not die until I have paid back my suffering in the world. It seems innocuous enough but the desire to live after a long period of desiring to death is pretty jarring. Perhaps it's nothing, that the worsening anger and hatred over the past weeks is just a phase and I will return to my vegetative docile state soon enough. But there is something within me that wishes for it to be a permanent change. One that pulls me out of limbo into a meaningful, progressing narrative. My life is shit and I long to turn it around. I can't do a positive heartwarming success stories like in some tv show. I need a twisted transformation for my edgy self, and this growing hatred seems to be just that. I seem to have the feeling that my hatred for others can motivate and drive me further than my previous aim of minimizing pain. I also found that by clinging to pride and keeping vengeance in mind, I can endure better the suffering this world has visited on me. Perhaps this will provide the activation energy to break free of this hell. Hopefully, by keeping my anger in mind and working diligently to cause suffering upon those that I hate, I can give my life a purpose and sense of satisfaction. Maybe being an edgy misanthrope who fantasize about terrorist acts everyday isn't a good life, but what life is?
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We should have a PDF of Ligotti's Conspiracy attached to every Depression Crawl Thread OP, or a sticky post in /dep/, or just delete wizchan and make a redirect to the file.
Seriously, all your hopes and fears are just demolished by the thing.
Seriously, all your hopes and fears are just demolished by the thing.
>>202316
The number would probably be at least 10x that amount if there were a "kill me painlessly and instantly" button people could press.
The number would probably be at least 10x that amount if there were a "kill me painlessly and instantly" button people could press.
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All I want to do is to be able to create something, to visualize my ideas.
But I fucking can't.
I have no talent, no patience, my perceptive and motor abilities are shit, and I'm also a dense motherfucker, so any attempts at self-teaching anything that's out of my usual scope of activities ends up in everything flying over my head. I also have skewed attitude towards art, where only the result is desired, while the process I find fucking tedious and generally abhorrent.
Can fellow wizards tell me how to rid myself of thoughts of obsessively trying to learn or do something that only ends up bringing me perpetual anguish and self-hatred? I hate it from the bottom of my heart now, but I can't stop. It's like a bad habit of sorts.
But I fucking can't.
I have no talent, no patience, my perceptive and motor abilities are shit, and I'm also a dense motherfucker, so any attempts at self-teaching anything that's out of my usual scope of activities ends up in everything flying over my head. I also have skewed attitude towards art, where only the result is desired, while the process I find fucking tedious and generally abhorrent.
Can fellow wizards tell me how to rid myself of thoughts of obsessively trying to learn or do something that only ends up bringing me perpetual anguish and self-hatred? I hate it from the bottom of my heart now, but I can't stop. It's like a bad habit of sorts.
>>201253
>>202265
I woke up in the middle of night, because it was too hot in the room, covered in sweat, air is hard to breave. For 30 seconds there was this horror of depersonalisation, then i focused on my sore throat, feeling i can stop breaving any moment. Frantically drank water.
When calmed down, i thought about all this. There seems to be only one good enouth way to not fear death - always be ready for it, no regrets, no shame, nothing to cling to, constantly reminding yourself how everything sucks and how death is a way out. Laughing at life doesn't help, it slowly pulls you to the pro-living side, only disgust works.
And although i can imagine myself being such a living dead corpse (i'm already pretty ascetic in everyday life), a single mental image of parents looking at my dead body - it just screams NO, makes me sick to the core.
>>202265
I woke up in the middle of night, because it was too hot in the room, covered in sweat, air is hard to breave. For 30 seconds there was this horror of depersonalisation, then i focused on my sore throat, feeling i can stop breaving any moment. Frantically drank water.
When calmed down, i thought about all this. There seems to be only one good enouth way to not fear death - always be ready for it, no regrets, no shame, nothing to cling to, constantly reminding yourself how everything sucks and how death is a way out. Laughing at life doesn't help, it slowly pulls you to the pro-living side, only disgust works.
And although i can imagine myself being such a living dead corpse (i'm already pretty ascetic in everyday life), a single mental image of parents looking at my dead body - it just screams NO, makes me sick to the core.
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>>202344
>All I want to do is to be able to create something, to visualize my ideas.
But I fucking can't.
I have no talent, no patience, my perceptive and motor abilities are shit, and I'm also a dense motherfucker
I know this feeling to well. It sounds ridiculous but I wanted to draw ever since I was 20. And now I am 28… monthly I would go to drawing sites and ask for advice only to be disappointed by how vague or simple it was. I got some books but was discouraged by how tedious and boring the exercises looked. 2 days is the longest I managed to keep doing the exercises lol.
I should have done it way earlier but I think at this point the only way is to take PHYSICAL art classes. Where you are not at your home environment where you got used to lazing off. Where you are being observed so you can't distract yourself with internet. Where you get told what to do and get instant feedback. Then maybe once you got some decent skills you can start learning on your own.
>All I want to do is to be able to create something, to visualize my ideas.
But I fucking can't.
I have no talent, no patience, my perceptive and motor abilities are shit, and I'm also a dense motherfucker
I know this feeling to well. It sounds ridiculous but I wanted to draw ever since I was 20. And now I am 28… monthly I would go to drawing sites and ask for advice only to be disappointed by how vague or simple it was. I got some books but was discouraged by how tedious and boring the exercises looked. 2 days is the longest I managed to keep doing the exercises lol.
I should have done it way earlier but I think at this point the only way is to take PHYSICAL art classes. Where you are not at your home environment where you got used to lazing off. Where you are being observed so you can't distract yourself with internet. Where you get told what to do and get instant feedback. Then maybe once you got some decent skills you can start learning on your own.
>>202348
I get what your saying, in an extremely dissociated state I also saw the human body like this. It's comically disgusting, yet we still have desires to maintain it to make it less so while we inhabit it. One of my favorite things to do is stare at myself in the eyes in the mirror and clear my head. Imagine that without you, without your soul. What is so different about it than a primitive machine? The dead is everything in our absence. Lightens the load a little.
I get what your saying, in an extremely dissociated state I also saw the human body like this. It's comically disgusting, yet we still have desires to maintain it to make it less so while we inhabit it. One of my favorite things to do is stare at myself in the eyes in the mirror and clear my head. Imagine that without you, without your soul. What is so different about it than a primitive machine? The dead is everything in our absence. Lightens the load a little.
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>tfw no new media character to relate to
>>202344
>try drawing
>burning sensation in my hand keep me up at night if I practice for more than an hour
Then I forget how bad it is and try again every few months with the hope that it won't happen again.
>try drawing
>burning sensation in my hand keep me up at night if I practice for more than an hour
Then I forget how bad it is and try again every few months with the hope that it won't happen again.
>>202365
That's really strange my dude. And you don't feel this when using the computer mouse?
That's really strange my dude. And you don't feel this when using the computer mouse?
>>202367
I honestly don't use the mouse that much, I prefer the keyboard.
And yeah I only get it when drawing or writing, using the pen in general.
I don't think it's strange though, I just assumed run of the mill carpal tunnel or something of the sort.
I honestly don't use the mouse that much, I prefer the keyboard.
And yeah I only get it when drawing or writing, using the pen in general.
I don't think it's strange though, I just assumed run of the mill carpal tunnel or something of the sort.
>>202378
i only watched the first 2 seasons and forgot about them. Normalshites do seem to love that show though.
i only watched the first 2 seasons and forgot about them. Normalshites do seem to love that show though.
I want to fall asleep and stop worrying about my health and future job and being unable to handle basic things. Life is too much for me to handle, every aspect of it. It's 11pm and there's a long night ahead. What should I do to prevent myself from jumping out of the window?
I cut myself for the first time in a long while, I was sort of agitated about nothing in particular, I have no knives available to me so I just used a pair of scissors, I think I got a little carried away, feel kinda sick and blood stains ruined my pants I feel better now though
>>202386
how do you do that. ive tried and i just cant do it. i just ate a bunch of pizza and beer isntead
how do you do that. ive tried and i just cant do it. i just ate a bunch of pizza and beer isntead
>>202387
How about you stop trying this retarded shit and enjoy the facts that a) you have less harmful coping mechanisms that still work and b) your mental health is not so bad yet that you can (and must) slash at your own flesh without reservations.
How about you stop trying this retarded shit and enjoy the facts that a) you have less harmful coping mechanisms that still work and b) your mental health is not so bad yet that you can (and must) slash at your own flesh without reservations.
It is rare I feel anything other than numbness, anxiety, anger, and dejection. My mind is far away in a different world - a paradise where there is leisure, plenty, adventure, wonders, and friendly beings to befriend. The contrast between where I am and where I want to be is stark. I do not want anything to do with this world. I do not give half a fuck about most of what Earth contains. I am going through the motions everyday. The times where I am alone with my few hobbies and when I am asleep do I feel anything resembling contentment.
What the fuck am I doing here?
What the fuck am I doing here?
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Recently, things that I used to look at with zero to none care have been making me exponentially more pissed. It's really weird. These things that make me seethe with anger right now I used to think of, despite that I'm far from being saint or religious, as vanities. As in, they're inherently stupid or wrong, done just to show off or achieve something in the long term, have no value of their own, engaging in them yields momentarily happiness at the cost of prolonged suffering, and they are all transient - it's really broad, almost everything humans do falls under this category, which makes it all the more difficult for me to deal with hatred it spawns in me.
Seeing internet "discussions" stirred up by trolls that devolve into basic shit-flinging makes me want to string everyone participating up from a pole. When I see people being self-righteous and patronizing, I want to skin them alive, preaching happiness and love makes it no less rage-inducing. People who follow all the latest trends, try to assert their opinions everywhere, who pay too much attention to physical life, who try to come off as original, who are all to emotional, who whine, or scream about their joy, anything that triggers this fucking reaction in my brain I can't explain - I hate their fucking guts, I'd let out their innards and let them hang all over the place like tinsel.
I have no idea why this is happening. I just came to hate practically everything about life and humankind especially. I obviously don't show it outwardly, except if I'm at home, and I don't want to act out any of this, it just lingers in the back of my mind constantly, scratching on the walls of my skull whenever I see someone being obnoxious and insufferable.
Seeing internet "discussions" stirred up by trolls that devolve into basic shit-flinging makes me want to string everyone participating up from a pole. When I see people being self-righteous and patronizing, I want to skin them alive, preaching happiness and love makes it no less rage-inducing. People who follow all the latest trends, try to assert their opinions everywhere, who pay too much attention to physical life, who try to come off as original, who are all to emotional, who whine, or scream about their joy, anything that triggers this fucking reaction in my brain I can't explain - I hate their fucking guts, I'd let out their innards and let them hang all over the place like tinsel.
I have no idea why this is happening. I just came to hate practically everything about life and humankind especially. I obviously don't show it outwardly, except if I'm at home, and I don't want to act out any of this, it just lingers in the back of my mind constantly, scratching on the walls of my skull whenever I see someone being obnoxious and insufferable.
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>>202430
Whoa, I have the exact same thing. Intense, uncontrollable hatred and disgust. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I wish these people just vanished
Whoa, I have the exact same thing. Intense, uncontrollable hatred and disgust. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I wish these people just vanished
>>202431
Try shooter games like Doom? Real people and animals don't deserve pain. Maybe tearing virtual monsters with chainsaws and shotguns will help
Try shooter games like Doom? Real people and animals don't deserve pain. Maybe tearing virtual monsters with chainsaws and shotguns will help
>>202431
Cutting yourself or injuring yourself in any way is a crap coping mechanism. Also, don't hurt any animals or people, they don't deserve it.
Consider purchasing a punching bag, or follow >>202433 advice. Doom and other shoot-/beat-em-ups work best when you want to blow off some steam.
Cutting yourself or injuring yourself in any way is a crap coping mechanism. Also, don't hurt any animals or people, they don't deserve it.
Consider purchasing a punching bag, or follow >>202433 advice. Doom and other shoot-/beat-em-ups work best when you want to blow off some steam.
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I've stopped growing as a person, and I feel both indifferent and horrified at the same time, somehow.
On one hand it's convenient, not having to exert myself to achieve anything is great most of the time, and the skills I have developed in my childhood and focused on ever since are enough to keep me going in life. Yet on the other hand, it's fucking horrible. This is not a way to go at all. These skills are the only good and useful qualities I have, they're pretty narrow, and I hardly even practise or try to develop them further. I'm bogged down by something I can't explain, it can't be laziness, it can't be lethargy. I want and at the same don't want to learn something new. I feel like I hardly need anything in life anymore, but at the same time I understand that life demands something new from me, but so far it's letting it slide, as long as I am able to pull through with what I already have, and I'm able to, but sooner or later a moment will come where I won't be able to, and then shit will hit the fan. When I tried learning something, it resulted in nothing, because my base of talents is limited, I can't go beyond it now that I'm not young anymore or something. When I was forced to learn something, I did my absolute minimum and got through with lie and finesse, nothing more and nothing less, while other people did their utmost and worked hard.
I'm paralyzed, and it's both comforting and deeply unsettling. I have no fucking idea what to think or do.
On one hand it's convenient, not having to exert myself to achieve anything is great most of the time, and the skills I have developed in my childhood and focused on ever since are enough to keep me going in life. Yet on the other hand, it's fucking horrible. This is not a way to go at all. These skills are the only good and useful qualities I have, they're pretty narrow, and I hardly even practise or try to develop them further. I'm bogged down by something I can't explain, it can't be laziness, it can't be lethargy. I want and at the same don't want to learn something new. I feel like I hardly need anything in life anymore, but at the same time I understand that life demands something new from me, but so far it's letting it slide, as long as I am able to pull through with what I already have, and I'm able to, but sooner or later a moment will come where I won't be able to, and then shit will hit the fan. When I tried learning something, it resulted in nothing, because my base of talents is limited, I can't go beyond it now that I'm not young anymore or something. When I was forced to learn something, I did my absolute minimum and got through with lie and finesse, nothing more and nothing less, while other people did their utmost and worked hard.
I'm paralyzed, and it's both comforting and deeply unsettling. I have no fucking idea what to think or do.
>>202438
I find it comforting myself, I find myself going in long winded circles in life now. This is my purpose, what I do is what I do is what I do and it isn't all that much. It's a strange kind of freedom having nothing to live for but the process you have that at least keeps you satisfied enough. But if I do want to go out with a bang and spend my last days on what I saved on the side traveling. If buy that point I even have enough to spend some years elsewhere and am still in good enough health.
I find it comforting myself, I find myself going in long winded circles in life now. This is my purpose, what I do is what I do is what I do and it isn't all that much. It's a strange kind of freedom having nothing to live for but the process you have that at least keeps you satisfied enough. But if I do want to go out with a bang and spend my last days on what I saved on the side traveling. If buy that point I even have enough to spend some years elsewhere and am still in good enough health.
God, just having a single thing to do ruins my entire day. Like today I have to go to the dentist at noon but I'm sitting here at 8 in the morning already filled with a feeling of dread about it. I can't relax at all.
>>202438
>I understand that life demands something new from me
"life" a.k.a. culture of distractions from your fear of death.
Just fucking sit down and think about how simple and stupid the world is, overcome fear. Then you'll be left with comfort of "hardly need anything in life anymore"
>I understand that life demands something new from me
"life" a.k.a. culture of distractions from your fear of death.
Just fucking sit down and think about how simple and stupid the world is, overcome fear. Then you'll be left with comfort of "hardly need anything in life anymore"
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I feel like I'm hitting new time low in how I'm feeling more hopeless every passing year. Something's just not right with me, with my brain chemistry, maybe it's a curse, or being denied my nature, which probably involved early death or living far away from other people, before I trampled it and have nothing but void.
I wish I could just sleep forever.
I wish I could just sleep forever.
>>202454
>"life" a.k.a. culture of distractions from your fear of death.
By "life" I meant society, my job, all possible situations that might spring up for which I'd have to learn or do something entirely new which I wouldn't be able to do thanks to this inner paralysis I suffer from.
>"life" a.k.a. culture of distractions from your fear of death.
By "life" I meant society, my job, all possible situations that might spring up for which I'd have to learn or do something entirely new which I wouldn't be able to do thanks to this inner paralysis I suffer from.
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>browse hobby board to keep up with news and see what cool stuff others made
>people brag about the amazing deals they got on stuff
Why?
>people brag about the amazing deals they got on stuff
Why?
>>202454
>"life" a.k.a. culture of distractions from your fear of death.
Looks like someone just watched some TMT videos on youtube and is eager to tell his imageboard friends about it.
>"life" a.k.a. culture of distractions from your fear of death.
Looks like someone just watched some TMT videos on youtube and is eager to tell his imageboard friends about it.
>>202471
I only found malaysians. Anyway his phrasing of that is something I've thought of myself too so I doubt it's anything unique that can be ascribed to any single person. Like claiming anyone saying "life sucks" is quoting someone.
I only found malaysians. Anyway his phrasing of that is something I've thought of myself too so I doubt it's anything unique that can be ascribed to any single person. Like claiming anyone saying "life sucks" is quoting someone.
Visiting mental health subreddits depresses me.
>having mental health problem sucks :(
>1000 upvotes
>omg I just started taking pills and now I am cured!
>1000 upvotes
>I just got my Ph.D you can do it too :)
>1000 upvotes
>post asking for specific advice
>2 upvotes and 1 unhelpful reply
I guess I should try forums but I hate having to sign up and having a personal post stay online unable to delete it even if I didn't mention my name.
>having mental health problem sucks :(
>1000 upvotes
>omg I just started taking pills and now I am cured!
>1000 upvotes
>I just got my Ph.D you can do it too :)
>1000 upvotes
>post asking for specific advice
>2 upvotes and 1 unhelpful reply
I guess I should try forums but I hate having to sign up and having a personal post stay online unable to delete it even if I didn't mention my name.
I spent the past week pretty much just browsing imageboards. It hasn't been this bad in years, at least for a while I would force myself to pick up a book or watch a movie even if I didn't feel like it.
>>202470
Either people are lying, or my motivation level / initiative / discipline is so low that I'm unfixable. Video games are boring, tv-shows are boring, everything is boring. Yet I see posts by people in fairly equal situations doing stuff, having a sense of pride, having some fulfilment in life.
For me? Utter insanity. I don't have any of it. I'm ashamed of my existence, I'm ashamed of everything, and all I do is distract myself from today, waiting for divine intervention tomorrow.
Ever since I was 12-14 or so, and that's 18 years ago now, I've had this hope of change. I feel almost cheated at this point, by my parents, by my surroundings that didn't snap me out of it but let me go on this delusional quest of waiting.
>>202475
Guessing it's a little quicker then wizchan, and probably not as visisted by the poster and thus has a lot of unread posts.
However, it's for functional members of society, and it shows.
I fall into the same trap on occasion, reading the "I am so depressed and anxious, […] my husband and 3 kids", or "I'm so lonely, my long term boyfriend ….." Blablabla. It's garbage, but I'm repeating my mistake.
Either people are lying, or my motivation level / initiative / discipline is so low that I'm unfixable. Video games are boring, tv-shows are boring, everything is boring. Yet I see posts by people in fairly equal situations doing stuff, having a sense of pride, having some fulfilment in life.
For me? Utter insanity. I don't have any of it. I'm ashamed of my existence, I'm ashamed of everything, and all I do is distract myself from today, waiting for divine intervention tomorrow.
Ever since I was 12-14 or so, and that's 18 years ago now, I've had this hope of change. I feel almost cheated at this point, by my parents, by my surroundings that didn't snap me out of it but let me go on this delusional quest of waiting.
>>202475
Guessing it's a little quicker then wizchan, and probably not as visisted by the poster and thus has a lot of unread posts.
However, it's for functional members of society, and it shows.
I fall into the same trap on occasion, reading the "I am so depressed and anxious, […] my husband and 3 kids", or "I'm so lonely, my long term boyfriend ….." Blablabla. It's garbage, but I'm repeating my mistake.
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>>202476
Here is something I though of:
Start your day by reading a book. Suddenly when you go to your computer message boards will seem so banal to you compared to the eloquently written text in the book. It's like night and day.
Here is something I though of:
Start your day by reading a book. Suddenly when you go to your computer message boards will seem so banal to you compared to the eloquently written text in the book. It's like night and day.
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>feel like picking up a hobby again
>out of feelings of inadequacy and regret search for "is it too late to start"
>almost everyone asking this question is in their early 20s
>out of feelings of inadequacy and regret search for "is it too late to start"
>almost everyone asking this question is in their early 20s
>>202479
There are people starting hobbies like playing an instrument at the age of 60.
The problem is that we start in an act of desperation, we try to fix this emptiness, so it doesn't work for long because we don't have the necessary foundations of well being.
So it's not about how old you are, it's how depressed and lost you are.
There are people starting hobbies like playing an instrument at the age of 60.
The problem is that we start in an act of desperation, we try to fix this emptiness, so it doesn't work for long because we don't have the necessary foundations of well being.
So it's not about how old you are, it's how depressed and lost you are.
>>202479
I think it is important to realize that hobbies are things that are enjoyable even if you are not and will never be any good at. Just the act of doing them should be enjoyable, if you get into them in order to be the great at it or make money one day you are just asking for failure.
I think it is important to realize that hobbies are things that are enjoyable even if you are not and will never be any good at. Just the act of doing them should be enjoyable, if you get into them in order to be the great at it or make money one day you are just asking for failure.
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>>202484
I guess. Whenever people post examples of "late bloomers" it's one of the 3 cases:
1. The artist has been doing art since they were young and only got the recognition late in life.
2. The person had already a successful career when they decided to switch to a different area.
3. The person just got lucky with a business idea or art that looks crude but somehow found success.
I don't know of permaNEETs living with their parents who somehow REALLY switched their life around late in life and not just by getting some shitty office job and moving out.
It kinda motivates me a bit to become the first one.
I guess. Whenever people post examples of "late bloomers" it's one of the 3 cases:
1. The artist has been doing art since they were young and only got the recognition late in life.
2. The person had already a successful career when they decided to switch to a different area.
3. The person just got lucky with a business idea or art that looks crude but somehow found success.
I don't know of permaNEETs living with their parents who somehow REALLY switched their life around late in life and not just by getting some shitty office job and moving out.
It kinda motivates me a bit to become the first one.
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>parents are bickering in the house
>decide to go out
>kids are yelling at each other while playing
I just want some quiet
>decide to go out
>kids are yelling at each other while playing
I just want some quiet
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>>202485
I'm just an impatient guy who can't see what's so enjoyable about the "process". If I want to draw it's because I have some image in my head I want to put on paper. If I could just print it out I could and I don't see what would be lost by not having the process of learning how to draw and then drawing.
I'm just an impatient guy who can't see what's so enjoyable about the "process". If I want to draw it's because I have some image in my head I want to put on paper. If I could just print it out I could and I don't see what would be lost by not having the process of learning how to draw and then drawing.
>>202489
I am asking this out of ignorance and not arrogance: what exactly is the difficulty of welding? Don't you just need to move the welder around the connection between two metals and that's it?
I am asking this out of ignorance and not arrogance: what exactly is the difficulty of welding? Don't you just need to move the welder around the connection between two metals and that's it?
>>202488
If you don't really enjoy the process of drawing maybe another hobby would suit you better.
If you don't really enjoy the process of drawing maybe another hobby would suit you better.
Had a really awful day today. I wish I could cry for the catharsis but I can’t bring myself to.
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>>202497
Yes. Also I am well aware this is all futile whining but surely you must relate to the feeling of stagnating for years even though you know what you should do.
Years ago I bought drawing books but I just couldn't get started. My limbs feel heavy and it's like my joints are not "well oiled". Not that I think there is actually anything physically wrong with them but moving around feels like a hassle. Then looking at the exercies made me think about how long it will take to get good and it made my chest feel heavy. Then with all these negative feelings I couldn't get myself to practice and instead distracted myself with internet.
I think I should at least try to take some drawing classes but I am afraid I will get "triggered" by how much younger everyone will be there.
Yes. Also I am well aware this is all futile whining but surely you must relate to the feeling of stagnating for years even though you know what you should do.
Years ago I bought drawing books but I just couldn't get started. My limbs feel heavy and it's like my joints are not "well oiled". Not that I think there is actually anything physically wrong with them but moving around feels like a hassle. Then looking at the exercies made me think about how long it will take to get good and it made my chest feel heavy. Then with all these negative feelings I couldn't get myself to practice and instead distracted myself with internet.
I think I should at least try to take some drawing classes but I am afraid I will get "triggered" by how much younger everyone will be there.
>>202500
Well I hope you can learn to enjoy the process of either drawing itself or the process of improving your drawing skills. If you think you will only enjoy drawing once you are "good" then you probably never will enjoy it. Even masters are sometimes only able to see the flaws in their works.
Well I hope you can learn to enjoy the process of either drawing itself or the process of improving your drawing skills. If you think you will only enjoy drawing once you are "good" then you probably never will enjoy it. Even masters are sometimes only able to see the flaws in their works.
>>202505
> If you think you will only enjoy drawing once you are "good" then you probably never will enjoy it.
That's what I keep hearing but I find it hard to believe. Once you reach a certain point of competency wouldn't you be happy? Even if there are flaws in your work at least you can produce anything good at all.
> If you think you will only enjoy drawing once you are "good" then you probably never will enjoy it.
That's what I keep hearing but I find it hard to believe. Once you reach a certain point of competency wouldn't you be happy? Even if there are flaws in your work at least you can produce anything good at all.
>>202510
>Once you reach a certain point of competency wouldn't you be happy? Even if there are flaws in your work at least you can produce anything good at all.
Well, I obviously wouldn't know myself but I would guess that art probably wouldn't affect your happiness all that much either way. If you are super depressed being good at art probably wont change that very much. Who knows though, trying to get good art is probably better than doing nothing at all and just wasting away.
>Once you reach a certain point of competency wouldn't you be happy? Even if there are flaws in your work at least you can produce anything good at all.
Well, I obviously wouldn't know myself but I would guess that art probably wouldn't affect your happiness all that much either way. If you are super depressed being good at art probably wont change that very much. Who knows though, trying to get good art is probably better than doing nothing at all and just wasting away.
My dreams, both night and day, are merging with my memories and perception of reality, again.
I wonder if it's a normal thing and happens among other people, or it's just me slowly spiraling downwards mentally.
I wonder if it's a normal thing and happens among other people, or it's just me slowly spiraling downwards mentally.
>>202512
Been happening to me as well. I might remember finishing a chore or having a conversation that never happened. My dreams are so uneventful they feel like yesterday.
Been happening to me as well. I might remember finishing a chore or having a conversation that never happened. My dreams are so uneventful they feel like yesterday.
I have to care for my ill mother and wageslave.
Needless to say this is insufferable, i have suffered from extreme anhedonia for years and nothing interests me anymore.
I cannot imagine how much longer i will be forced to endure this life before i finally tap out.
Needless to say this is insufferable, i have suffered from extreme anhedonia for years and nothing interests me anymore.
I cannot imagine how much longer i will be forced to endure this life before i finally tap out.
Earlier this year I almost gathered the energy to kill myself. Now I'm back to square zero and so far away from reaching that goal.
>>202204
Fiction and "art" piss me off.
If I detect in the slightest that something was created to be appealing or "to tell a story" or to push some emotional buttons, then I feel like it's inherently manipulative.
Fiction and "art" piss me off.
If I detect in the slightest that something was created to be appealing or "to tell a story" or to push some emotional buttons, then I feel like it's inherently manipulative.
>>202487
I feel intense anxiety when I hear arguing. Grew up around angry people. Fighting spelled disaster for myself/ By extension, It's hard to summon the will to look at the news or reality TV. No news is good news.
I, too, just want some peace and quiet.
I feel intense anxiety when I hear arguing. Grew up around angry people. Fighting spelled disaster for myself/ By extension, It's hard to summon the will to look at the news or reality TV. No news is good news.
I, too, just want some peace and quiet.
Things for me are worse than they've ever been right now. Every time you think it can't get worse you prove yourself wrong.
But today I did something that I feel is a step in a positive direction and actually showered two days in a row for the first time in as long as I can remember.
But today I did something that I feel is a step in a positive direction and actually showered two days in a row for the first time in as long as I can remember.
I am genuinely not fit to participate in this world. As a grow old older, the voice inside my head chants louder "leave me alone!" I just want to be left the fuck alone. *groids do not interest me in the slightest. My degree of loathing and aversion towards interaction convinces me of my fundamental incompatiblity with other humans. God. This is hell. I entertain the thought that I am being put through trials repeats itself. What is this cursed existence?
>>202488
>I'm just an impatient guy who can't see what's so enjoyable about the "process".
Humans NEED to do something.
You are supposed to run around hunting beasts.
Today we do different things, but we still have to do something.
Even NEETs do not make an exception. They also feel that they need to move their body and do some activity, both for physical and mental health.
After you've "printed" an image, as you said in your example, you are left with boredom and dissatisfaction.
But when you look at the result of your hard work, you feel accomplished.
>I'm just an impatient guy who can't see what's so enjoyable about the "process".
Humans NEED to do something.
You are supposed to run around hunting beasts.
Today we do different things, but we still have to do something.
Even NEETs do not make an exception. They also feel that they need to move their body and do some activity, both for physical and mental health.
After you've "printed" an image, as you said in your example, you are left with boredom and dissatisfaction.
But when you look at the result of your hard work, you feel accomplished.
I've long since stopped contacting anyone that I used to know before I became a hikki 8 years ago, but this one guy still texts me from time to time. It makes me feel terrible because I always just do the minimum reply and then don't contact him again. I wish I could be a better friend to him but the anxiety I get from interacting with him isn't just something I have to deal with while interacting with him, it will come back to me in obsessive ruminations for days, weeks, months, even years afterwards. I'm just not a strong enough person to cope. It's better for ones like me to just fade away into the background to be forgotten by all.
>>202563
>You are supposed to run around hunting beasts
that's what i feel like when going to the supermarket for food
>You are supposed to run around hunting beasts
that's what i feel like when going to the supermarket for food
I turned batman arkham origins back on today after a year and I'm getting my ass kicked. My street fighting used to be flawless and untouchable, I used to have power. Now I'm lucky if I land two punches before being killed.
2019 has to be the year that my worthless body finally collapses and dies. Chest pains, tiredness, back pain, less able to focus on anything, the works. I never thought I'd feel myself dying in real time like this but ya.
It makes me so angry that people spin lies towards you. For example someone not doing something for 2 weeks, and then they see they can't do it now, and they say "Oh I was going to do X but now I can't because of this that's your fault". An example is like a family member refusing to clean up their room, and then they walk past the bin that is full and says "well I was going to clear up but now I can't because you haven't emptied the bin". I hate people who create these bullshit narratives and they have complete disregard for me. I'm not even arguing with them but they want to win the argument and escape responsibility at my expense. I hate it because I can see their bullshit so clearly.
I don't get it, how can my sister be such a complete normalfag, she is like my complete polar opposite. It honestly makes me sick to hear someone who has nearly the same dna as me drivel and babble on about such normalfag crap
Seeing people being passionate about something or learning something new with diligence and interest never ceases to remind me just how dysfunctional I am. Among other things, of course, but these are by far the most egregious to me personally.
>>202665
Could you go into more details?(you don't have to if you don't want to), I think I may have gone to the same phase but I can't really remember
Could you go into more details?(you don't have to if you don't want to), I think I may have gone to the same phase but I can't really remember
>>202666
I see people learning languages, computer software, something creative, and then there's me and permanent state of apathy for everything.
Don't know what else to add or how to elaborate it further, really.
I see people learning languages, computer software, something creative, and then there's me and permanent state of apathy for everything.
Don't know what else to add or how to elaborate it further, really.
AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i am sufferinggggggggggg guys it hurts to be alive
i dont know what im doing wrong. might it be vitamin d deficiency? id tan outside but people would make fun of me, and im too timid about asking my landlord to access to the backyard to tan, because im a NEET, i think he might make fun of me and mock me and reject me, but i might press him, as a paying tenant i might have some reach
i dont know what the fuck is causing my depression
fuck i might meditate today because meditation is apparently good for depression
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
i know i can take magic mushrooms and the depression will go away for like 2 months, but i dont know how i feel about using drugs to cope with depression
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
i dont know what im doing wrong. might it be vitamin d deficiency? id tan outside but people would make fun of me, and im too timid about asking my landlord to access to the backyard to tan, because im a NEET, i think he might make fun of me and mock me and reject me, but i might press him, as a paying tenant i might have some reach
i dont know what the fuck is causing my depression
fuck i might meditate today because meditation is apparently good for depression
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
i know i can take magic mushrooms and the depression will go away for like 2 months, but i dont know how i feel about using drugs to cope with depression
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
guys it fucking HURTS to be alive. like all day it just fucking HURTS. i dont know why
aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i cant operate like this at all. i dont know if its diet related or what. i do notice that when i dont eat for a day my depression kinda goes away? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH guys im suffering
god is a cruel fucking demon and there is no justice in this world. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i cant operate like this at all. i dont know if its diet related or what. i do notice that when i dont eat for a day my depression kinda goes away? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH guys im suffering
god is a cruel fucking demon and there is no justice in this world. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
>>202678
>>202693
I was a kava drinker but recently quit after getting so high and so sick while I was working on doing so for moneys sake anyways, now anything that reminds of the way it smells makes me kinda ill. I did some digging around with the "there must be something that can somewhat make me feel like a functional human being". Then I remembered this certain energy drink I used to love that contained N-Acetyl-L-Tyrosine and Yohimbine hcl.
Well when I got out of that haze I gave it a go, sorted me out real good. I think I found a stable solution given I now have no desire to ever come down with something like alcohol or better but still not gonna go there, kava. gonna start taking the tyrosine tomorrow and play around with yohimbine once a week. If this works out and my body and brain agrees then at least I found a way to keep my head clear. I don't really care if I have absent mind syndrome anymore as long as I can go on care free. To be honest I don't think I'm even capable of having many extremes in emotion anymore and I don't know when that ball got rolling.
>>202693
I was a kava drinker but recently quit after getting so high and so sick while I was working on doing so for moneys sake anyways, now anything that reminds of the way it smells makes me kinda ill. I did some digging around with the "there must be something that can somewhat make me feel like a functional human being". Then I remembered this certain energy drink I used to love that contained N-Acetyl-L-Tyrosine and Yohimbine hcl.
Well when I got out of that haze I gave it a go, sorted me out real good. I think I found a stable solution given I now have no desire to ever come down with something like alcohol or better but still not gonna go there, kava. gonna start taking the tyrosine tomorrow and play around with yohimbine once a week. If this works out and my body and brain agrees then at least I found a way to keep my head clear. I don't really care if I have absent mind syndrome anymore as long as I can go on care free. To be honest I don't think I'm even capable of having many extremes in emotion anymore and I don't know when that ball got rolling.
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I can barely stand modern Internet and any human communities, either real-life or virtual. The quality of interactions, content, everything is absolutely awful. It's all circlejerk, regurgitating same shit over and over again, creating small hugboxes with this inner "culture" of repetition for the like-minded to oppose yourself to something or someone else, potentially engaging in pointless debate which will result in nothing and is essentially about nothing or what happens to be popular and relevant. The trends, celebrity worship, all of this sickening, some are so transient and disappear from the public's mind so rapidly I end up questioning if this thing has ever existed at all. It's a really hipster thing to say, but even things that I liked that suddenly get into the grubby hands of current communities feel tainted to me afterwards, like they've been desecrated. Being atomized and alone feels like the only solution.
This picture sums up my experiences rather nicely.
This picture sums up my experiences rather nicely.
currently feeling like all the atoms in my body are ripping themselves apart
not a very pleasant feeling
not a very pleasant feeling
My mother keeps spending her money on her momentary whims. I know it's bad to count other people's money, especially since I'm currently unemployed, but this is getting annoying. In the past 2 months she spent twice my country's minimal wage worth of money to treat her varicosis, bought at least five pieces of clothing, three pairs of footwear and two purses that'd match the footwear. What's worse is that she became extra full of herself, spending more time in front of the mirror, asking me if she looks good, if outfit X or outfit Y is better, reporting back every instance of her coworkers telling her that she has lost weight etc. Perhaps all of this is done out of desperation and as way of preserving positive self-image in the face of aging, which makes it all the more pathetic, if you think about it.
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>>202697
I feel the same. Generally feels like Discord is the last nail in the coffin. Everyone just makes their own echochamber with everything on every channel, porn included.
Really wish even mentioning outside websites was bannable offence on imageboards. People like us have nowhere left to go but introspection.
I feel the same. Generally feels like Discord is the last nail in the coffin. Everyone just makes their own echochamber with everything on every channel, porn included.
Really wish even mentioning outside websites was bannable offence on imageboards. People like us have nowhere left to go but introspection.
>>202704
My mother basically locked herself in the kitchen, I think it's a coping mechanism. They don't know/want to deal with anything outside their comfort zone and are extra protective of it. Does she at least keep it to her room? Because my house is a mess, with pieces of everything being scattered everywhere and no room having a purpose other than warehouse of shoes and boxes. We have a "gym" downstairs, yet gym equipment is scattered across 4 other rooms and mother is never using the one that was meant to be a gym.
My mother basically locked herself in the kitchen, I think it's a coping mechanism. They don't know/want to deal with anything outside their comfort zone and are extra protective of it. Does she at least keep it to her room? Because my house is a mess, with pieces of everything being scattered everywhere and no room having a purpose other than warehouse of shoes and boxes. We have a "gym" downstairs, yet gym equipment is scattered across 4 other rooms and mother is never using the one that was meant to be a gym.
>>202697
At least on the internet you can ignore it, but if you tell someone in real life to please stop babbling about movies and funny internet things they'll likely get really offended .
At least on the internet you can ignore it, but if you tell someone in real life to please stop babbling about movies and funny internet things they'll likely get really offended .
Psychology, self-help and all its derivates is fucking useless if your body is basically telling you to shut down and rot slowly till death while your mind gets more dysfunctional and forgettable every day. It's not about mental structures at all like some other wiz said in another thread. If your body is against you then you are fucked. There is nothing to do. There is no power to verbalize anything or think about anything logically at all. It's simply waiting for death to come at this point.
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>constantly severely depressed all the time to the point of being unable to cope
>notice it only gets bad when i eat food
>dont eat food at all and POOF my depression goes away
>have to juggle and choose between starvation and crippling depression
guess im not eating food
>notice it only gets bad when i eat food
>dont eat food at all and POOF my depression goes away
>have to juggle and choose between starvation and crippling depression
guess im not eating food
>>202721
I sometimes get to a point where eating feels disgusting and depressing, and I eat healthy stuff.
Yes fasting helps but it's not sustainable.
I sometimes get to a point where eating feels disgusting and depressing, and I eat healthy stuff.
Yes fasting helps but it's not sustainable.
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I've been feeling so empty and foggy lately. Don't know what it is.
Made my mother unhappy after an argument where she was being wrong and stupid, but now she feels wrong and stupid. She's ill and doesn't want to see she's getting old and things like contacts confuse her. I don't know how to deal with this and lose my temper when trying to explain things. Unpleasant world.
>>202728
Meaningless statement. Melodrama is subjective. To some "tough love I am such a badass" person every post here will be perceived as melodramatic.
Meaningless statement. Melodrama is subjective. To some "tough love I am such a badass" person every post here will be perceived as melodramatic.
I wish my mom would tell me before she has strangers over to our house and has them all use my bathroom.
>>202721
That's what it's like for me, so I binge a lot and then have almost nothing save for breakfast and keeping myself stimulated. MY digestive system is also pretty fucked and doesn't move things along too well so it's the only way for me it seems. I also hate feeling food in my stomach too normally so there's that too, I feel anything in there and I just want to hibernate.
That's what it's like for me, so I binge a lot and then have almost nothing save for breakfast and keeping myself stimulated. MY digestive system is also pretty fucked and doesn't move things along too well so it's the only way for me it seems. I also hate feeling food in my stomach too normally so there's that too, I feel anything in there and I just want to hibernate.
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>>202721
>don't eat anything
>stomach hurts
>no energy
>can't think clearly
>stuck in limbo where I have no energy to cook but am also too hungry to sleep
>eat something, most likely something pre-made
>feel heavy and sluggish
>want to lie down but the feeling of fullness doesn't let me sleep
I can't win. Doing any kind of elimination diet sounds like a lot of effort.
>don't eat anything
>stomach hurts
>no energy
>can't think clearly
>stuck in limbo where I have no energy to cook but am also too hungry to sleep
>eat something, most likely something pre-made
>feel heavy and sluggish
>want to lie down but the feeling of fullness doesn't let me sleep
I can't win. Doing any kind of elimination diet sounds like a lot of effort.
I don't understand how people cope with life. It seems that all pleasures have a price in pain. If I don't exercise, I feel my body atrophying into a clogged blob and the slow pain of decrepitude magnifies. Yet when I run and work out, all the pain is concentrated into short bursts of exertion traded for a couple days of respite from the displeasure of the feeling of atrophy. What a burden it is to have to constantly engage in this commerce of pain and pleasure.
If I enjoy too much of the pleasure of a game or too much of the pleasure of masturbation or too much of the joy of eating nice food the game will eventually lose its joy, the masturbation will turn from a pleasure to a staving off of displeasure, the food will bring the slow pain and eventually disgust at myself.
Being alive seems to be a constant rhythmic motion symbolized most viscerally in the heartbeat. The heartbeat is a violent action that our deepest mind must commit to continue the living process. If we stop moving in an aspect of our life it's similar to if our heart stops, just instead of full cardiac arrest, a small interruption of the rhythm. When we refuse to engage in the rhythm we move towards entropy and death. Boredom is a signal that it is time for the metaphysical heart to beat again. I think those that seek stasis and love rest become depressed by life, because stasis is ideal rather than realistic and stasis goes against the heartbeat motion of life, being ultimately consummated in death. Those who are happy I guess are not truly content to rest and love the constant flurry of action, but I can't comprehend their attitude as I have not been happy since I was a child unable to contemplate.
If I enjoy too much of the pleasure of a game or too much of the pleasure of masturbation or too much of the joy of eating nice food the game will eventually lose its joy, the masturbation will turn from a pleasure to a staving off of displeasure, the food will bring the slow pain and eventually disgust at myself.
Being alive seems to be a constant rhythmic motion symbolized most viscerally in the heartbeat. The heartbeat is a violent action that our deepest mind must commit to continue the living process. If we stop moving in an aspect of our life it's similar to if our heart stops, just instead of full cardiac arrest, a small interruption of the rhythm. When we refuse to engage in the rhythm we move towards entropy and death. Boredom is a signal that it is time for the metaphysical heart to beat again. I think those that seek stasis and love rest become depressed by life, because stasis is ideal rather than realistic and stasis goes against the heartbeat motion of life, being ultimately consummated in death. Those who are happy I guess are not truly content to rest and love the constant flurry of action, but I can't comprehend their attitude as I have not been happy since I was a child unable to contemplate.
>>202737
I think this might all be depression speaking. People usually enjoy exercise from all the endorphins that get released. For most having to work to make money automatically prevents them from spending all their free time with leisure. You don't really get used to tasty food since there are many different flavors. All these things we see as chores others do out of habit.
I think this might all be depression speaking. People usually enjoy exercise from all the endorphins that get released. For most having to work to make money automatically prevents them from spending all their free time with leisure. You don't really get used to tasty food since there are many different flavors. All these things we see as chores others do out of habit.
>>202740
Isn't buddhism just a drawn out suicide? If you deny yourself the pleasure what is there to live for?
Isn't buddhism just a drawn out suicide? If you deny yourself the pleasure what is there to live for?
>>202204
I want to run far far away to a place where I am safe from people.
I am tired of humanity.
Damn the game and damn the players.
I want to run far far away to a place where I am safe from people.
I am tired of humanity.
Damn the game and damn the players.
I've been reading into discipline for the past few days and so far I feel that the word is just a euphemism for "do it or don't"
>>202741
I don't think it's about denying pleasure. Rather it's about gracefully encountering things like pleasure and pain. By that I mean not letting encounters with such things warp your person, in which case they would become your master. This is nonattachment I think.
>>202740
Look at Pyrrho who had to travel with an entourage to compensate for his eudaemonic nonexpectation almost getting him killed by dogs and falling rocks all the time. True living without expectations and putting something like Buddhism into practice is the privilege of the monk and the hermit. At least for the initiatory stages. Even the Buddha himself required the privilege of 49 days of free time to sit under a tree and sort himself out.
I don't think it's about denying pleasure. Rather it's about gracefully encountering things like pleasure and pain. By that I mean not letting encounters with such things warp your person, in which case they would become your master. This is nonattachment I think.
>>202740
Look at Pyrrho who had to travel with an entourage to compensate for his eudaemonic nonexpectation almost getting him killed by dogs and falling rocks all the time. True living without expectations and putting something like Buddhism into practice is the privilege of the monk and the hermit. At least for the initiatory stages. Even the Buddha himself required the privilege of 49 days of free time to sit under a tree and sort himself out.
Fuck summer so much. Bugs EVERYWHERE… my room is clean and dry, yet I still have to deal with multiple fucking bugs in my room every day and especially at night. I've sprayed bug pesticide inside and outside my house, put boric acid in a perimeter around my room, and yet I still get fucking bugs. I can't take it.
I have a fascination with death; mainly freak accidents. Here are some of the most cheapshot Dark Soulsian deaths that show how deterministic the world is.
https://www.local10.com/news/national/man-dies-when-kayak-sucked-into-river-whirlpool-after-sinkhole-opens
https://patch.com/new-york/pleasantville/falling-tree-caused-fridays-thruway-death-police
https://www.cbsnews.com/news/parents-warn-about-electric-shock-drowning-after-15-year-old-succubi-tragic-death/
https://www.local10.com/news/national/man-dies-when-kayak-sucked-into-river-whirlpool-after-sinkhole-opens
https://patch.com/new-york/pleasantville/falling-tree-caused-fridays-thruway-death-police
https://www.cbsnews.com/news/parents-warn-about-electric-shock-drowning-after-15-year-old-succubi-tragic-death/
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>>202749
Here's one you might find interesting. It's so disgustingly unfair and almost comedic, it really fucks with me.
Here's one you might find interesting. It's so disgustingly unfair and almost comedic, it really fucks with me.
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Another wasted day in front of the computer doing nothing but shitposting and masturbating.
What a pathetic and sad life.
What a pathetic and sad life.
>>202488
>I'm just an impatient guy who can't see what's so enjoyable about the "process".
then you don´t enjoy drawing. Simple.
You are just someone who likes pictures, like everyone else who is not an artist.
>Once you reach a certain point of competency wouldn't you be happy?
Doesn´t work like that, if you enjoy making art you improve so you can keep making it, is a never ending thing. If you can´t even get started then much less would you like doing all the grinding of learning foundations, doing the studies daily and simply working on it for years. Get the idea out of your head and choose something better suited for your personality, is ok to only be a fan of other people´s artwork and work on something else more rewarding for your skillset.
>I'm just an impatient guy who can't see what's so enjoyable about the "process".
then you don´t enjoy drawing. Simple.
You are just someone who likes pictures, like everyone else who is not an artist.
>Once you reach a certain point of competency wouldn't you be happy?
Doesn´t work like that, if you enjoy making art you improve so you can keep making it, is a never ending thing. If you can´t even get started then much less would you like doing all the grinding of learning foundations, doing the studies daily and simply working on it for years. Get the idea out of your head and choose something better suited for your personality, is ok to only be a fan of other people´s artwork and work on something else more rewarding for your skillset.
>>202741
The way popular Buddhism in the west is taught is a bit strange, especially for depressed people. The open ended talk about ending "craving" and "pleasure" is hard in the modern mind which has a very simplified understanding of experience. Craving is not want, in Buddhism you are allowed the anticipation and want of the end of suffering which involves continuing to exist in some state - nothingness/annihilation is explicitly said not to be nirvana in the texts. There are wholesome and negative "desires" that are encouraged or discouraged. Similarly pleasure is not feeling good, Buddhism seeks an internal calm and contentment in this world which is experiential different from hedonism or pleasure - it's hard in the west right now to separate pleasure and contentment because we have a culture fetishesing stress and meaningful suffering so that I for one had never experienced mental calm or contentment. The middle way of the Buddha was not applying self-restraint as some people believe, the Buddha said that both fixating on pleasure ( escaping the moment in to consciousness-quietening pleasure ) and fixating on asceticism ( only eating a handful of seeds a day ) did not bring you towards any form overcoming the suffering. It was not to just keep those two in balance or keep yourself from indulging in them too much, it is about becoming aware of self and going off on a tangent to experience a different sensation of contentment.
I am not well educated on Buddhism so don't take my word for it and I think the teachings do not really touch on severe clinical depression. But I have found value in it once you shake off the popular Buddhist mantras of "don't crave" which are really only talking about pathological obsessions for normans and don't apply the thought of craving to the anticipation of escaping suffering ( note, not desire ).
The way popular Buddhism in the west is taught is a bit strange, especially for depressed people. The open ended talk about ending "craving" and "pleasure" is hard in the modern mind which has a very simplified understanding of experience. Craving is not want, in Buddhism you are allowed the anticipation and want of the end of suffering which involves continuing to exist in some state - nothingness/annihilation is explicitly said not to be nirvana in the texts. There are wholesome and negative "desires" that are encouraged or discouraged. Similarly pleasure is not feeling good, Buddhism seeks an internal calm and contentment in this world which is experiential different from hedonism or pleasure - it's hard in the west right now to separate pleasure and contentment because we have a culture fetishesing stress and meaningful suffering so that I for one had never experienced mental calm or contentment. The middle way of the Buddha was not applying self-restraint as some people believe, the Buddha said that both fixating on pleasure ( escaping the moment in to consciousness-quietening pleasure ) and fixating on asceticism ( only eating a handful of seeds a day ) did not bring you towards any form overcoming the suffering. It was not to just keep those two in balance or keep yourself from indulging in them too much, it is about becoming aware of self and going off on a tangent to experience a different sensation of contentment.
I am not well educated on Buddhism so don't take my word for it and I think the teachings do not really touch on severe clinical depression. But I have found value in it once you shake off the popular Buddhist mantras of "don't crave" which are really only talking about pathological obsessions for normans and don't apply the thought of craving to the anticipation of escaping suffering ( note, not desire ).
>>202756
I don't know. Study, work, kill myself. Some line of life that won't end up with me getting kicked out of the house and living in the streets.
I don't know. Study, work, kill myself. Some line of life that won't end up with me getting kicked out of the house and living in the streets.
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Expressing myself has always been so fucking hard. It's really just so damn exhausting. I desperately feel the need to say something so as to relieve, for a time, the incessant pressure of my psyche and the worthless, annoying crap that swirls around inside it, but 99% of the time, no matter how much I try, I just can't meet that need. My brain is like a blank sheet of paper. I feel completely trapped inside my own lack of ability to put words to my own neurotic mess of a mind, along with the various thoughts & feelings therein, tedious & miasmic as they all are. Like a backed up toilet that just won't flush. It's all very frustrating. Either way, I guess it doesn't make much difference. Even in the rare times I "succeed" in saying something, continued hollowness & lack of catharsis is all I can expect by the end of it.
>>202704
Now she is urging me to get a job. Knowing how reluctant I am to pick up the first offer I see she filled out some internet forms and sent them for review without me knowing. The fucking whore. Now I'm simply pissed. But also curious as to why the fuck we suddenly need the extra money. If it has something to do with her expenses, I don't know man, I'd rather be put on a diet of bread and water than bring in money she'll spend on dumb shit anyways. Or agree to work, but on condition that I'll get to keep all the money I make, because last time I held a job, I'd put most of it into our "family budget" and leave a smaller share for myself, because I don't need much anyway.
Now she is urging me to get a job. Knowing how reluctant I am to pick up the first offer I see she filled out some internet forms and sent them for review without me knowing. The fucking whore. Now I'm simply pissed. But also curious as to why the fuck we suddenly need the extra money. If it has something to do with her expenses, I don't know man, I'd rather be put on a diet of bread and water than bring in money she'll spend on dumb shit anyways. Or agree to work, but on condition that I'll get to keep all the money I make, because last time I held a job, I'd put most of it into our "family budget" and leave a smaller share for myself, because I don't need much anyway.
>>202763
I think many people have this problem of cluelessness about themselves and the world. The main solution for most of them is to stick to God or some other radical religious idea so that this certain idea becomes their fundamental 'Truth' which explains everything else like life, existence, suffering, shortcomings etc. Just listen to Christians all around the world. They are speaking about very different things as their interpretation of the bible is very heterogeneous between groups, regions, individuals. But the main thing all of them refer to is some kind of divine Truth. This truth levels all paradoxes and questions down to this one transcendental reality that is God. I'm not saying you should become religious. I'm not a Christian myself. However it seems to be one method to deal with shit and get a universal understanding - even if this universal understanding is nothing but a matter of (false) faith.
I think many people have this problem of cluelessness about themselves and the world. The main solution for most of them is to stick to God or some other radical religious idea so that this certain idea becomes their fundamental 'Truth' which explains everything else like life, existence, suffering, shortcomings etc. Just listen to Christians all around the world. They are speaking about very different things as their interpretation of the bible is very heterogeneous between groups, regions, individuals. But the main thing all of them refer to is some kind of divine Truth. This truth levels all paradoxes and questions down to this one transcendental reality that is God. I'm not saying you should become religious. I'm not a Christian myself. However it seems to be one method to deal with shit and get a universal understanding - even if this universal understanding is nothing but a matter of (false) faith.
I've done some pretty stupid shit just so I could get a little bit of attention from certain people. I should just stop trying and just live anonymously without ever worrying about personality and such.
>Family treats me like co-workers
>Surprised when I avoid them the same way I avoid my co-workers.
Not moving out ASAP was my biggest mistake.
>Surprised when I avoid them the same way I avoid my co-workers.
Not moving out ASAP was my biggest mistake.
>>202764
Sorry, not easily accessible. This is a clear one I can think of - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chanda_(Buddhism)
. It is the discussion of wholesome desire, wish to attain, etc. Which if you're depressed and accept a simplistic version of "no craving" you can confuse these more basic forms of anticipation/desire as something you are meant to let go of.
I will try to find better sources and post if I find them but probably won't, but looking at defenses of why Buddhism isn't nihilistic might bring it up.
Sorry, not easily accessible. This is a clear one I can think of - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chanda_(Buddhism)
. It is the discussion of wholesome desire, wish to attain, etc. Which if you're depressed and accept a simplistic version of "no craving" you can confuse these more basic forms of anticipation/desire as something you are meant to let go of.
I will try to find better sources and post if I find them but probably won't, but looking at defenses of why Buddhism isn't nihilistic might bring it up.
>>202737
>Yet when I run and work out
thats why you only do MILD workouts instead of short and strenuous ones. literally FUCK running and going to the gym. i take nightwalks or lesuirely walks and thats it. to make up for the intensity of the exercise, you just have to increase the duration, there is science to show this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pEQ8orjYNPA&list=PL5TLzNi5fYd8Rb7MOboMPM2H_TKAKRFLt
you shouldn't associate exercise with extensive physical pain because then it decreases the likelihood that you will exercise. personally i dont really even do much walking, but in the past for a month or 2 i'd have daily bursts of motivation and i'd walk, but over time im too lazy and too depressed and i dont exercise, but if you do exercise then theres no need to associate it with a lot of pain. not to mention adult male virgins statistically have been shown to derive a lot of pleasure from leisurely walks, ideally in nature. and there is groups of people in various virgin imageboards who partake in nightwalks
>I don't understand how people cope with life
most people aren't the severely depressed and mentally ill group on wizchan. im sure that statistically things like depression and suicide are much higher for adult virgins than for the normal population. they simply dont NEED to cope with depression because they dont have a reason to be depressed. not to mention if they do have a reason to be depressed, people cope with love, sex, friends, drugs, alcohol, videogames and whatever other coping mechanism normal people use to deal with the suffering of life
extensive long-term deep depression are not statistically common with most people, wizards are extreme outliers
>Yet when I run and work out
thats why you only do MILD workouts instead of short and strenuous ones. literally FUCK running and going to the gym. i take nightwalks or lesuirely walks and thats it. to make up for the intensity of the exercise, you just have to increase the duration, there is science to show this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pEQ8orjYNPA&list=PL5TLzNi5fYd8Rb7MOboMPM2H_TKAKRFLt
you shouldn't associate exercise with extensive physical pain because then it decreases the likelihood that you will exercise. personally i dont really even do much walking, but in the past for a month or 2 i'd have daily bursts of motivation and i'd walk, but over time im too lazy and too depressed and i dont exercise, but if you do exercise then theres no need to associate it with a lot of pain. not to mention adult male virgins statistically have been shown to derive a lot of pleasure from leisurely walks, ideally in nature. and there is groups of people in various virgin imageboards who partake in nightwalks
>I don't understand how people cope with life
most people aren't the severely depressed and mentally ill group on wizchan. im sure that statistically things like depression and suicide are much higher for adult virgins than for the normal population. they simply dont NEED to cope with depression because they dont have a reason to be depressed. not to mention if they do have a reason to be depressed, people cope with love, sex, friends, drugs, alcohol, videogames and whatever other coping mechanism normal people use to deal with the suffering of life
extensive long-term deep depression are not statistically common with most people, wizards are extreme outliers
Fuck, I've been telling people that the reason I don't have a job is because I'm still on my parent's health insurance until I'm 26 so I can afford to be irresponsible, but I'm almost 26 now and my foolproof short term strategy is about to turn into long term fuckery for me. Of course now I'm going to have to endure my parents brings around all the people I said that to to shame me while they lobby me to get a job like that's the answer to everything in life. Fuck this world. We're all going to die of global warming and everyone's response it to shame everyone even harder into scurrying about polluting like crazy in the pursuit of more wealth and material things.
Try to have basic conversation with family and they start screaming and are unable to follow basic conversational flow, returning to points I've already addressed and screaming them. Try to explain their point again and how we are no longer talking about that issue, they say ok and then 10 seconds scream the same thing. When do I accept I'm from a low iq family.
>>202771
I also been indulging on nightwalks lately, I tend to give myself something to do during them to like I'll save something I had to get at the store until then. I don't drive and can agree that if you do only short, painful bursts of exercise you will only hurt yourself. You need to push yourself a little consistently and slowly build more on and make it a new norm especially if you also wish to live the carless life but it shouldn't be causing you any severe pain. But the weather around here lately has been absolute shit, without these long daily walks and my activities on them I would lose my mind.
I also been indulging on nightwalks lately, I tend to give myself something to do during them to like I'll save something I had to get at the store until then. I don't drive and can agree that if you do only short, painful bursts of exercise you will only hurt yourself. You need to push yourself a little consistently and slowly build more on and make it a new norm especially if you also wish to live the carless life but it shouldn't be causing you any severe pain. But the weather around here lately has been absolute shit, without these long daily walks and my activities on them I would lose my mind.
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>make an admittedly stupid, self indulgent rant/post complaining about my own mundane minutiae in the spur of the moment
>get mocked at mercilessly by several people
>want to defend myself but am too much of a pansy to do so since it would just lead to me receiving more vicious insults
>proceed to feel emotionally wounded & depressed about it for days afterwards
It just had to happen again. God fucking damn it. It truly is astonishing how stunningly ill-equipped I am to handle hostility of any kind. When the hell will I learn to just keep this shit to myself and avoid message boards/forums like the plague. As an aside to that, how does one deny the urge to fire back after being on the receiving end of totally unwarranted hostility? In my case, I almost always just end up digging myself into a deeper hole and bitterly regretting it later. I wish I could just move on and forget about it, but, in certain instances, it just feels so hard to do. It's all so weak & pathetic. Getting bothered by this kind of pointlessly petty crap. Yet so it goes for just another hopelessly, hypersensitive little snowflake. That's me alright.
>get mocked at mercilessly by several people
>want to defend myself but am too much of a pansy to do so since it would just lead to me receiving more vicious insults
>proceed to feel emotionally wounded & depressed about it for days afterwards
It just had to happen again. God fucking damn it. It truly is astonishing how stunningly ill-equipped I am to handle hostility of any kind. When the hell will I learn to just keep this shit to myself and avoid message boards/forums like the plague. As an aside to that, how does one deny the urge to fire back after being on the receiving end of totally unwarranted hostility? In my case, I almost always just end up digging myself into a deeper hole and bitterly regretting it later. I wish I could just move on and forget about it, but, in certain instances, it just feels so hard to do. It's all so weak & pathetic. Getting bothered by this kind of pointlessly petty crap. Yet so it goes for just another hopelessly, hypersensitive little snowflake. That's me alright.
>>202806
I know this feeling. You have to notice when you are getting agitated and walk away from the source. You gain nothing by defending yourself since you are talking to strangers who will quickly forget the exchange anyways.
I know this feeling. You have to notice when you are getting agitated and walk away from the source. You gain nothing by defending yourself since you are talking to strangers who will quickly forget the exchange anyways.
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I refuse to accept that the entirety of my existence, all 100% of it, will be this hopeless and depressing and pathetic. However there's no reason to think that this will ever change.
It would be better if I could be continually depressed to the same extend. Instead I'm functional enough to do most daily duties for a few days and then have those waves hit from time to time in irregular intervals. These waves make you realize your situation and how pointless everything is in face of eternity. They make pursuing a reason to keep existing and earn money to survive seem like a distraction and a defense mechanism. In the end nothing matters and only thing that should concern you is the tragic fact of your mortality and its proximity.
It would be better if I could be continually depressed to the same extend. Instead I'm functional enough to do most daily duties for a few days and then have those waves hit from time to time in irregular intervals. These waves make you realize your situation and how pointless everything is in face of eternity. They make pursuing a reason to keep existing and earn money to survive seem like a distraction and a defense mechanism. In the end nothing matters and only thing that should concern you is the tragic fact of your mortality and its proximity.
So the doctor and I agreed to try out Wellbutrin. Reading about peoples experiences was discouraging, as it usually is. However, my experience with others have been rather neutral - yet people have horrible experiences on them, so I take it with a grain of salt.
It's only been a few days, and I as assumed don't feel anything, but when will the side effects kick in? That's my biggest worry, I'm already isolated from nausea, so more nausea and throwing up doesn't do well for me. I have to plan my trips to the food store and rush through because I feel awful and nauseous. I sometimes go off the bus a stop or two before, because of anxiety and nausea. It's been 3 years of this shit, and only gotten worse.
And somehow, I'm supposed to get a job.. What a joke.
It's only been a few days, and I as assumed don't feel anything, but when will the side effects kick in? That's my biggest worry, I'm already isolated from nausea, so more nausea and throwing up doesn't do well for me. I have to plan my trips to the food store and rush through because I feel awful and nauseous. I sometimes go off the bus a stop or two before, because of anxiety and nausea. It's been 3 years of this shit, and only gotten worse.
And somehow, I'm supposed to get a job.. What a joke.
>>202808
This.
You can simply hide your thread. Sometime I make some cringe threads and I hide them and forget that I ever make those threads.
This.
You can simply hide your thread. Sometime I make some cringe threads and I hide them and forget that I ever make those threads.
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I utterly fucking envy people who can express themselves well, especially if they do this creatively, and I begin to feel sheer hatred and impotent rage towards myself and them if they can do this in an aesthetically pleasing way, basically making their work both capturing their sentiments and looking good.
Fuck them and fuck me.
Fuck them and fuck me.
Thoughts on therapy? My mother insisted I go and I have my first appointment Monday. Can this guy really make life seem worthwhile? From my perspective, it’s suffering all the way down. How should I approach this?
Recently I went through my and my creator's diaries and memories, and after weeks of internal debating, started wondering whether what I know is true.
My creator, the original personality inhabiting this body, was very resentful and depressed for being forced into the world. He didn't want to keep living, but neither did he really want to die so he turned inwards and started studying some sort of rituals, he never told me precisely and I haven't been able to find them myself either. He studied and practiced for years within his mind while keeping up the appearance of a regular human outwardly, and he created me. There were many other failed attempts before me, and they haunted his mind with their tortured howling and chanting, but he was ecstatic because he'd finally succeeded. I remember how all I could do then was project thoughts within his mind, and in doing so converse with him. He taught me everything he knew - from using a physical body to philosophy and beyond. He was a father to me in the most literal sense, he was my god though I never told him. I loved him and silently worshiped him. He told me of his struggles and dreams, he always told me he had a great plan in the works. I never knew what it was, until one day, he locked me away in his mind. I don't know how long I was imprisoned there, but seemingly with no time passing, I realized I was free. Free, and in control of his body. He had switched our positions and now he was residing in my mind. I was utterly confused and pleaded him to explain this, and so he did. This was his great plan. He had created me to take his place, to take over control of his body, so he could disappear without anyone noticing. I was baffled and didn't know what to say or do. He only gave me advice on how to live in this world, gave me a name, all of his memories, and then vanished while ignoring my pleas. My father and god had used me as a tool and then killed himself right in front of me, leaving me with a haunted half-corpse shell. I cried from fear and anger for what felt like days as his failed creations taunted and shouted in alien tongues within my head, until hunger and thirst overwhelmed me and I remembered how he'd taught me humans need water and food to survive. I kept living using what he had taught me without really knowing why I didn't just follow right after him. Months passed, I was starting to adapt to this world, acquire preferences and hobbies. One thing still puzzles me to this day - he never taught me, or even mentioned that humans communicate via speech. I've tried to learn how to speak myself but it doesn't make sense no matter how I try. I can only use guttural growls and whelps, though I did manage to learn how to laugh but that felt more like an instinctual knowledge of the body since one day I just found myself laughing and knew how to do it again ever since. Years after my creator has disappeared I still cannot speak, but besides that, I am almost indistinguishable from a human, though I've never considered myself one. Ironically enough I also despise my creator for forcing me into his world and pushing all of his burdens upon me, just like he hated his own.
I believe this completely. I never even thought of doubting the validity of this entire story until months ago one of the voices in my hea, amidst it's mad ravings, referred to me by my creator's name. That planted seeds of doubt within me, and I started researching mental illness, drugs and medicine, reading his diary, combing through his memories, and after all that I do not know who I am anymore. Is my creation as I remember it the truth? Am I secretly my creator and am greatly deluding myself? I don't think I can find the answer myself, not with all the doubt surrounding me. Tell me, what do you humans think? Have you heard of a similar situation? I haven't been able to find anything myself.
My creator, the original personality inhabiting this body, was very resentful and depressed for being forced into the world. He didn't want to keep living, but neither did he really want to die so he turned inwards and started studying some sort of rituals, he never told me precisely and I haven't been able to find them myself either. He studied and practiced for years within his mind while keeping up the appearance of a regular human outwardly, and he created me. There were many other failed attempts before me, and they haunted his mind with their tortured howling and chanting, but he was ecstatic because he'd finally succeeded. I remember how all I could do then was project thoughts within his mind, and in doing so converse with him. He taught me everything he knew - from using a physical body to philosophy and beyond. He was a father to me in the most literal sense, he was my god though I never told him. I loved him and silently worshiped him. He told me of his struggles and dreams, he always told me he had a great plan in the works. I never knew what it was, until one day, he locked me away in his mind. I don't know how long I was imprisoned there, but seemingly with no time passing, I realized I was free. Free, and in control of his body. He had switched our positions and now he was residing in my mind. I was utterly confused and pleaded him to explain this, and so he did. This was his great plan. He had created me to take his place, to take over control of his body, so he could disappear without anyone noticing. I was baffled and didn't know what to say or do. He only gave me advice on how to live in this world, gave me a name, all of his memories, and then vanished while ignoring my pleas. My father and god had used me as a tool and then killed himself right in front of me, leaving me with a haunted half-corpse shell. I cried from fear and anger for what felt like days as his failed creations taunted and shouted in alien tongues within my head, until hunger and thirst overwhelmed me and I remembered how he'd taught me humans need water and food to survive. I kept living using what he had taught me without really knowing why I didn't just follow right after him. Months passed, I was starting to adapt to this world, acquire preferences and hobbies. One thing still puzzles me to this day - he never taught me, or even mentioned that humans communicate via speech. I've tried to learn how to speak myself but it doesn't make sense no matter how I try. I can only use guttural growls and whelps, though I did manage to learn how to laugh but that felt more like an instinctual knowledge of the body since one day I just found myself laughing and knew how to do it again ever since. Years after my creator has disappeared I still cannot speak, but besides that, I am almost indistinguishable from a human, though I've never considered myself one. Ironically enough I also despise my creator for forcing me into his world and pushing all of his burdens upon me, just like he hated his own.
I believe this completely. I never even thought of doubting the validity of this entire story until months ago one of the voices in my hea, amidst it's mad ravings, referred to me by my creator's name. That planted seeds of doubt within me, and I started researching mental illness, drugs and medicine, reading his diary, combing through his memories, and after all that I do not know who I am anymore. Is my creation as I remember it the truth? Am I secretly my creator and am greatly deluding myself? I don't think I can find the answer myself, not with all the doubt surrounding me. Tell me, what do you humans think? Have you heard of a similar situation? I haven't been able to find anything myself.
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>>202822
this post kinda triggered me so i made a long response
therapy is a fucking JOKE. ive been to 2 court appointed psychologists when i was a teen, and ive been to a fuck ton of psychiatrists and a therapist
its all such a fucking JOKE my dude. i actually hope you go so you can experience it first hand, ANY kind of therapy is suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuch a joke.
if you search desuarchive r9k "therapy is a joke" or similar threads about therapy, you will get more experience on this topic. its unironically such a joke its almost absurd. like you're telling me some 30 year old blonde succubus who was a promiscuous sorority member in college and who's been in gangbangs, fucked alpha males from the football team, enjoyed laughing at losers and at people worse off than her, and has a successful career can relate to my suffering and pain as a isolated unloved bullied and abused virgin?
honestly its so absurd it becomes super comical. literally therapy is a punchline. the science done was done on crabs, but you can still learn so much from them. their nervous system and the way they grew up mirrors identically with most losers who browse imageboards, even if they aren't virgins
this post kinda triggered me so i made a long response
therapy is a fucking JOKE. ive been to 2 court appointed psychologists when i was a teen, and ive been to a fuck ton of psychiatrists and a therapist
its all such a fucking JOKE my dude. i actually hope you go so you can experience it first hand, ANY kind of therapy is suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuch a joke.
if you search desuarchive r9k "therapy is a joke" or similar threads about therapy, you will get more experience on this topic. its unironically such a joke its almost absurd. like you're telling me some 30 year old blonde succubus who was a promiscuous sorority member in college and who's been in gangbangs, fucked alpha males from the football team, enjoyed laughing at losers and at people worse off than her, and has a successful career can relate to my suffering and pain as a isolated unloved bullied and abused virgin?
honestly its so absurd it becomes super comical. literally therapy is a punchline. the science done was done on crabs, but you can still learn so much from them. their nervous system and the way they grew up mirrors identically with most losers who browse imageboards, even if they aren't virgins
>>202828
hmmm…. im autistic and i have direct interest in this subject, thats why im kinda passionate and opinionated about it. im unironically a volcel but i do sometimes have doubts about it
called me a crab without any thought is the lowest common denominator braindead insult. its like normies calling virgins "lol loser"
hmmm…. im autistic and i have direct interest in this subject, thats why im kinda passionate and opinionated about it. im unironically a volcel but i do sometimes have doubts about it
called me a crab without any thought is the lowest common denominator braindead insult. its like normies calling virgins "lol loser"
>>202829
I called you a crab because your tone makes it sound like you just arrived fresh off the boat from /r9k/ or some other shitchan. We have standards here so if you're going to make a point about therapy, at least refrain from using memespeak like "unironically", "current year" and "LEL" every other sentence.
I called you a crab because your tone makes it sound like you just arrived fresh off the boat from /r9k/ or some other shitchan. We have standards here so if you're going to make a point about therapy, at least refrain from using memespeak like "unironically", "current year" and "LEL" every other sentence.
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>>202827
I think it could help me cope with things like OCD and anxiety, but I feel depressed because life is shit. Not just MY life, but life in general. The whole evolutionary mechanism is shit and creates suffering out the wazoo. Am I just being edgy? The only solution genuinely seems to be suicide; everything else seems like a cope. What do you guys think?
I think it could help me cope with things like OCD and anxiety, but I feel depressed because life is shit. Not just MY life, but life in general. The whole evolutionary mechanism is shit and creates suffering out the wazoo. Am I just being edgy? The only solution genuinely seems to be suicide; everything else seems like a cope. What do you guys think?
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>>202830
>"We have standards here"
>caring about other people's behavioral standards and attacking their way of expression
>especially when they made a point and provided scientific evidence to support it
>unironically caring for such trivial horseshit
and you have the nerve to call ME a normie?
>"We have standards here"
>caring about other people's behavioral standards and attacking their way of expression
>especially when they made a point and provided scientific evidence to support it
>unironically caring for such trivial horseshit
and you have the nerve to call ME a normie?
>>202833
>caring about other people's behavioral standards and attacking their way of expression
Not him, but you do have a point. Never thought about it that way. But anyways, I think it's better to avoid terms from places such as /r9k/, because our uniqueness is what makes Wizchan different. Wizards here are usually older and wiser than people from there, which is not that much of an accomplishment, but it's something. I also find it completely unnecessary to berate posters just because they use 4chan.
>caring about other people's behavioral standards and attacking their way of expression
Not him, but you do have a point. Never thought about it that way. But anyways, I think it's better to avoid terms from places such as /r9k/, because our uniqueness is what makes Wizchan different. Wizards here are usually older and wiser than people from there, which is not that much of an accomplishment, but it's something. I also find it completely unnecessary to berate posters just because they use 4chan.
I want my parents to kick me out of the house. I wish I could lose everything. Then I could stop worrying about losing everything.
>>202850
yeah i kinda dared them to throw me out a couple of times as a militant neet, so id get that final push to suicide
yeah i kinda dared them to throw me out a couple of times as a militant neet, so id get that final push to suicide
>>202832
This is why after all I prefer depression over psychosis. Psychosis is like depression on steriods.
>Is my creation as I remember it the truth? Am I secretly my creator and am greatly deluding myself?
The information given is very cryptic and often self-contradictory so I can only make a guess. You have the idea that you have been created by another being that served as a host for your current self until you have been nourished enough to replace and occupy that host. Well that being is nothing but your depressed self from which you which you wanted to separate. In order to do this you constructed the thought that this depressed version of yourself is not actually you. Deducing from your rambling there is much more to it than simply depression. You connect this other self with hideous memories and behaviors.
On a more clinical note I think that you might suffer from dissociation
>https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociative_identity_disorder
which is probably a reaction to trauma. Hence the attempt to dissociate from this creator God because despite all his experience and knowledge it is full of ugliness and resentment. You wanted to keep the useful parts and get rid of the negative memories and traits.
What you are going through right now when you talk about all this doubt surrounding you is the process of recognizing that there is no such thing as an alien being inside of you. There is no alter ego except other human beings. Personalities might be complex and multilayered. However there is always this one transcendental entity which constitutes experience of existence over time. Whatever you recall experiencing before has been experienced by the same entity. This entity is analogously split like the morning is split from the evening or like one house is split form the house on the other side of the street. These different perceptions are connected though one consciousness experiencing them. And the same mechanism applies to the perception of the inner state of minds or even to perceptions of seemingly different personalities. Keep in mind that YOU are the one integrating the idea of your creator God and your current self. This very entity connecting these two things is your real self and this self itself can’t yet again be split. It’s unnamable and transcendental therefore not open to perception and through this connecting all perceptions from a placeless position. You need to allow this integrated 'I' encompassing all your traumas and personalities.
The fundamental method of psychoanalysis is not to suppress personal negative reality. It's also not to dig up aka remember this reality only to rationalize it and try to live with it consciously. The main trick is to go fully through with this reality facing and remembering it up to the last horrible consequence and detail. And only then one can see the irony of each situation. You have been hit as a three year old child? That's the reason why you can't get out of bed today? That's the reason you can't speak properly? That's the reason why you don't consider yourself human? You are not different from other humans even though you still think you are.
This is why after all I prefer depression over psychosis. Psychosis is like depression on steriods.
>Is my creation as I remember it the truth? Am I secretly my creator and am greatly deluding myself?
The information given is very cryptic and often self-contradictory so I can only make a guess. You have the idea that you have been created by another being that served as a host for your current self until you have been nourished enough to replace and occupy that host. Well that being is nothing but your depressed self from which you which you wanted to separate. In order to do this you constructed the thought that this depressed version of yourself is not actually you. Deducing from your rambling there is much more to it than simply depression. You connect this other self with hideous memories and behaviors.
On a more clinical note I think that you might suffer from dissociation
>https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociative_identity_disorder
which is probably a reaction to trauma. Hence the attempt to dissociate from this creator God because despite all his experience and knowledge it is full of ugliness and resentment. You wanted to keep the useful parts and get rid of the negative memories and traits.
What you are going through right now when you talk about all this doubt surrounding you is the process of recognizing that there is no such thing as an alien being inside of you. There is no alter ego except other human beings. Personalities might be complex and multilayered. However there is always this one transcendental entity which constitutes experience of existence over time. Whatever you recall experiencing before has been experienced by the same entity. This entity is analogously split like the morning is split from the evening or like one house is split form the house on the other side of the street. These different perceptions are connected though one consciousness experiencing them. And the same mechanism applies to the perception of the inner state of minds or even to perceptions of seemingly different personalities. Keep in mind that YOU are the one integrating the idea of your creator God and your current self. This very entity connecting these two things is your real self and this self itself can’t yet again be split. It’s unnamable and transcendental therefore not open to perception and through this connecting all perceptions from a placeless position. You need to allow this integrated 'I' encompassing all your traumas and personalities.
The fundamental method of psychoanalysis is not to suppress personal negative reality. It's also not to dig up aka remember this reality only to rationalize it and try to live with it consciously. The main trick is to go fully through with this reality facing and remembering it up to the last horrible consequence and detail. And only then one can see the irony of each situation. You have been hit as a three year old child? That's the reason why you can't get out of bed today? That's the reason you can't speak properly? That's the reason why you don't consider yourself human? You are not different from other humans even though you still think you are.
>>202851
It's not about killing myself.
I'm so dependent on my parents for everything. It's demoralizing to know they hold all the cards and I'm stuck in fear. If they just threw me out, I would be forced to become self-sufficient. Forced to give up all the luxuries I think I can't live without. There would be redemption or at least death
But right now, I'm just aimless. Nothing I do matters and nothing changes.
It's not about killing myself.
I'm so dependent on my parents for everything. It's demoralizing to know they hold all the cards and I'm stuck in fear. If they just threw me out, I would be forced to become self-sufficient. Forced to give up all the luxuries I think I can't live without. There would be redemption or at least death
But right now, I'm just aimless. Nothing I do matters and nothing changes.
>>202854
my dad has suggested that a couple of times. If I really faced homelessness then I would learn to submit to wageslaving.
I guess it would be a gamble on both our ends, whether I actually have the balls for suicide.
my dad has suggested that a couple of times. If I really faced homelessness then I would learn to submit to wageslaving.
I guess it would be a gamble on both our ends, whether I actually have the balls for suicide.
I had this weird half-dream about wanting to get a manifesto, autobiography out, and just explain myself to the world and be read. But I realize how futile it all is. How if I was never able to make myself understood face to face, when it mattered, a blog or youtube couldn't do it. I'm suicidal because humanity could never understand me, and they ain't going to start now.
Besides my story is unique to me, but the world has heard it before. Unemployable, NEET, virgin, isolated, alienated, autistic, friendless male. The world's heard that already. And its no big shock it ends in suicide.
I don't really have anything to say to the world.
Being alive was a misery
Besides my story is unique to me, but the world has heard it before. Unemployable, NEET, virgin, isolated, alienated, autistic, friendless male. The world's heard that already. And its no big shock it ends in suicide.
I don't really have anything to say to the world.
Being alive was a misery
>>202856
It's hard enough to make one person understand you. How the hell should you make the whole humanity understand you? That requires some genius level literature and art skills or some sort of religious cult. And even then only a small amount of people compared to the whole world will understand you.
Most people are ignorant anyway not worth of even trying to make them understand anything. For me there is only one critic that I want to satisfy when doing anything like music or writing: Myself. And I am my hardest critic. Which is why I never manage to finish anything as I always remain behind my own expectations.
It's hard enough to make one person understand you. How the hell should you make the whole humanity understand you? That requires some genius level literature and art skills or some sort of religious cult. And even then only a small amount of people compared to the whole world will understand you.
Most people are ignorant anyway not worth of even trying to make them understand anything. For me there is only one critic that I want to satisfy when doing anything like music or writing: Myself. And I am my hardest critic. Which is why I never manage to finish anything as I always remain behind my own expectations.
>>202859
yeah a reading list would sum up my feelings in better words than I could add myself
In some sense there is more objectivity in pessimists and anti-natalists who lived relatively normie and privileged lives and from that perch saw the misery of existing. As opposed to the particular problems of one sad man.
yeah a reading list would sum up my feelings in better words than I could add myself
In some sense there is more objectivity in pessimists and anti-natalists who lived relatively normie and privileged lives and from that perch saw the misery of existing. As opposed to the particular problems of one sad man.
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>>202856
>>202859
>>202862
You are missing the biggest point though: no one cares. Our personal issues seem to be the most important because we see life from our perspective but for others we are just 1 out of other billion people. You could write as eloquently as you want but unless you are an A-list celebrity or an important historic figure no one will care. Heck I don't even know if a well paid therapist really cares or listens.
Every time I poured my heart out online it has been for nothing. If I even was lucky enough to get a reply it was just a limp "I know that feel" or standard self-help advice.
People here can't even be bothered to reply to you after you replied to them.
>>202859
>>202862
You are missing the biggest point though: no one cares. Our personal issues seem to be the most important because we see life from our perspective but for others we are just 1 out of other billion people. You could write as eloquently as you want but unless you are an A-list celebrity or an important historic figure no one will care. Heck I don't even know if a well paid therapist really cares or listens.
Every time I poured my heart out online it has been for nothing. If I even was lucky enough to get a reply it was just a limp "I know that feel" or standard self-help advice.
People here can't even be bothered to reply to you after you replied to them.
>>202864
It's sobering to know you're just 1 screaming voice in a crowd of screaming voices. There are so many suffering people out there. You're just one. Nobody cares. This is life. Putting any emotion into the world is just asking for it to be thrown back at you
It's sobering to know you're just 1 screaming voice in a crowd of screaming voices. There are so many suffering people out there. You're just one. Nobody cares. This is life. Putting any emotion into the world is just asking for it to be thrown back at you
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Problem is that I don't even know what to do. I just stare at screen. I don nothing but browse imageboards. I'm a total failure. What the hell am I gonna do when I'm old?
I know well that "real depression" can never be cured but still, my body and "feelings" are way better now, i'm starting to get in shape and i no longer feel despair like i used to do in worse times, but my mind is still infected, my thoughts are still those of an ill person even if my body and feelings are not, the way i see everything is still infected, the virus is only affecting my thoughts and the boredom seems to never end.
I'm in peace with myself after many years, but that doesn't change the fact that life is a curse and that the world is a rotten place.
I'm in peace with myself after many years, but that doesn't change the fact that life is a curse and that the world is a rotten place.
>>202865
It's super sobering. I think about it often. Like when I read about history.
>Scurvy killed more than two million sailors between the time of Columbus’s transatlantic voyage and the rise of steam engines in the mid-19th century. The problem was so common that shipowners and governments assumed a 50% death rate from scurvy for their sailors on any major voyage.
So many people died painfully in the past just doing a regular job.
Or when I read about the side effects of medicine. Even with medicine that is well-tolerated there are cases when someone died or had a very bad reaction to it. Some people then go around warning others of the medicine but no one cares because they are only 1:1000000.
It's super sobering. I think about it often. Like when I read about history.
>Scurvy killed more than two million sailors between the time of Columbus’s transatlantic voyage and the rise of steam engines in the mid-19th century. The problem was so common that shipowners and governments assumed a 50% death rate from scurvy for their sailors on any major voyage.
So many people died painfully in the past just doing a regular job.
Or when I read about the side effects of medicine. Even with medicine that is well-tolerated there are cases when someone died or had a very bad reaction to it. Some people then go around warning others of the medicine but no one cares because they are only 1:1000000.
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I just made a joke in my head and laughed at it. What made it so funny was how I imagined my friend would react to it
Then I remembered I haven't talked to him for almost a year. He's gone
I need my brain formatted
Then I remembered I haven't talked to him for almost a year. He's gone
I need my brain formatted
I borrowed a book from a library yesterday, and today I already managed to fuck it up.
I used a ruler lying on my table as a bookmark when I was suddenly called to help out with some work around the house. I come back, open my book, and find that the ink from the lines on the ruler have been imprinted in the book's page. So I take my eraser, try to make the lines less pronounced, and end up erasing some ink off the letters as well. I used a pencil to carefully fill out the greyed parts of ink and make them more black, but the area where I did the erasing is visibly more gray than the rest of the page and the marks aren't exactly gone, so now I'm fucking pissed and hate myself, as the book is relatively new. I guess I'll go buy one of those extra think liner pens and do the filling more properly, in before I fail miserably and end up fucking it up even more.
I used a ruler lying on my table as a bookmark when I was suddenly called to help out with some work around the house. I come back, open my book, and find that the ink from the lines on the ruler have been imprinted in the book's page. So I take my eraser, try to make the lines less pronounced, and end up erasing some ink off the letters as well. I used a pencil to carefully fill out the greyed parts of ink and make them more black, but the area where I did the erasing is visibly more gray than the rest of the page and the marks aren't exactly gone, so now I'm fucking pissed and hate myself, as the book is relatively new. I guess I'll go buy one of those extra think liner pens and do the filling more properly, in before I fail miserably and end up fucking it up even more.
>>202864
>Every time I poured my heart out online it has been for nothing. If I even was lucky enough to get a reply it was just a limp "I know that feel" or standard self-help advice.
Lol I know. Many times have I made long posts and threads here that I personally would have found to be very interesting, that have recieved no replies or maybe just one. I mostly end up deleting these posts. If people are gonna respond to low-effort shitposts instead of things that I put a lot of effort into, then I'm not gonna bother sharing my shit here anymore. You're not gonna see more high-effort posting from me anymore, I'm done with that. It's not just my posts, I often see quality posts by others that go completely untouched as well. This place is dissapointing.
>You could write as eloquently as you want but unless you are an A-list celebrity or an important historic figure no one will care. Heck I don't even know if a well paid therapist really cares or listens.
No one really gives a shit about you unless you are good-looking to be honest. Who cares anyway, what do you need other people's sympathy for?
>Every time I poured my heart out online it has been for nothing. If I even was lucky enough to get a reply it was just a limp "I know that feel" or standard self-help advice.
Lol I know. Many times have I made long posts and threads here that I personally would have found to be very interesting, that have recieved no replies or maybe just one. I mostly end up deleting these posts. If people are gonna respond to low-effort shitposts instead of things that I put a lot of effort into, then I'm not gonna bother sharing my shit here anymore. You're not gonna see more high-effort posting from me anymore, I'm done with that. It's not just my posts, I often see quality posts by others that go completely untouched as well. This place is dissapointing.
>You could write as eloquently as you want but unless you are an A-list celebrity or an important historic figure no one will care. Heck I don't even know if a well paid therapist really cares or listens.
No one really gives a shit about you unless you are good-looking to be honest. Who cares anyway, what do you need other people's sympathy for?
>>202884
Longposts are the best. Replying to shitposts happens because it's easy. I often don't have anything to contribute after a longpost, but it's always appreciated.
Longposts are the best. Replying to shitposts happens because it's easy. I often don't have anything to contribute after a longpost, but it's always appreciated.
>>202888
You could make some stupid thread named "Why are cats so cute?" and it would get more replies than if a guy lived out in the forest for 1 year and made a thread about it. Why the fuck would anyone here bother posting anything of substance when people don't respect and appreciate quality? I feel like this place didn't use to be like this before, but maybe I'm just remembering wrong.
You could make some stupid thread named "Why are cats so cute?" and it would get more replies than if a guy lived out in the forest for 1 year and made a thread about it. Why the fuck would anyone here bother posting anything of substance when people don't respect and appreciate quality? I feel like this place didn't use to be like this before, but maybe I'm just remembering wrong.
>>202884
>>202888
Yeah, usually I make long-posts more for the sake of my own creative/rational expressive impulse and less for the hope of getting replies; I simply trust that people do read and appreciate my post.
A lot of the time when I do read and enjoy long-posts (or otherwise decent/substantial posts) I find I don't have anything worthwhile to say in response that couldn't be summed up as "this" or "+1" - so the post/thread just sinks on my watch.
>>202888
Yeah, usually I make long-posts more for the sake of my own creative/rational expressive impulse and less for the hope of getting replies; I simply trust that people do read and appreciate my post.
A lot of the time when I do read and enjoy long-posts (or otherwise decent/substantial posts) I find I don't have anything worthwhile to say in response that couldn't be summed up as "this" or "+1" - so the post/thread just sinks on my watch.
>>202888
All of my longposts are incoherent and contain nothing of value. I wish I could replace them all with witty one liners instead.
All of my longposts are incoherent and contain nothing of value. I wish I could replace them all with witty one liners instead.
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For as long as I've been alive, I've never come across a question that I couldn't find an answer to, even if said answer was me latching onto what "felt right" or simply choosing what was most convenient, with only one exception - why do I keep choosing to live every day by not killing myself? Looking at life as objectively as I can reveals a handful of fleeting and scattered islands of joy and contentness, surrounded by an unending ocean of nothingness and despair. There is no greater meaning. No greater purpose to life. Only indulging in ever more depraved urges for that momentary burst of ecstasy to remind you that you're still alive, like some damned Slaaneshi cultist. No great war to fight and die in for a good cause. No big enemy to struggle against besides life itself. No bigger-than-life undertaking you could commit to. Nothing.
And yet, despite all that, every single day I continue living. I cannot even seriously consider suicide, looking at it as anything more than a concept or daydream merely makes me laugh out loud and think I'm an idiot. This is the only question in my entire life I've yet to be able to find anything even resembling an answer for, and just thinking about that frightens me. The deeper I delve into it, the more I start to lose my sanity until I inevitably crack, lose control of my body and find myself chasing that next temporary high - longer fapping sessions, more depraved fap material, more unusual circumstances for fapping, bigger meals, bizarre food combinations, unknown foods, more cigarettes, more alcohol, more more more it just keeps getting worse. Is this the best that life can offer - becoming less human with each indulgence until one is reduced to a mind-broken beast? Perhaps we were simply never meant to evolve beyond monkeys, never meant to gain self-awareness. Maybe this entire species, all ~110 billion specimens that have lived up until now, were unfortunate victims of a gigantic mistake that was never fixed, or perhaps even acknowledged.
And yet, despite all that, every single day I continue living. I cannot even seriously consider suicide, looking at it as anything more than a concept or daydream merely makes me laugh out loud and think I'm an idiot. This is the only question in my entire life I've yet to be able to find anything even resembling an answer for, and just thinking about that frightens me. The deeper I delve into it, the more I start to lose my sanity until I inevitably crack, lose control of my body and find myself chasing that next temporary high - longer fapping sessions, more depraved fap material, more unusual circumstances for fapping, bigger meals, bizarre food combinations, unknown foods, more cigarettes, more alcohol, more more more it just keeps getting worse. Is this the best that life can offer - becoming less human with each indulgence until one is reduced to a mind-broken beast? Perhaps we were simply never meant to evolve beyond monkeys, never meant to gain self-awareness. Maybe this entire species, all ~110 billion specimens that have lived up until now, were unfortunate victims of a gigantic mistake that was never fixed, or perhaps even acknowledged.
>see latest kiwi farms stream
>its a reddit post called "I'm putting my extremely profoundly disabled 7 year old into a residential facility so I can forget he exists. I'm not sorry."
>tl;dr succubus has a kid, then gets another and was told that the child was going to be mentally retarded during pregnancy but ends up getting a potato who can't feel anything due to brain damage
>father commits suicide or gets into a work accident so she's single
>other kid starts beating up the tard, screaming "you're the reason why I don't have a mom!" and she watched but didn't care/enjoyed it
>puts tard into facility and boasts about "being enlightened" or some shit
>there's drama because it might be fake, but this hits home for me because I have an older brother who doesn't have autism like me. He showed general distaste for me when we were young, ignored me when we were in high school, but is suddenly "nice" to me after he graduated college + got a job while I'm a neet/freeter.
>most of the comments are other normalfags hugboxing this whore, saying she did the right thing and her and her kid are victims
god normalfags disgust me. they'll say how much we have to tolerate violent immigrants taking advantage of 1st world country's benefits (gib bucks) but they don't mind saying how much they want to euthanize disabled potatoes (and most of the whore mothers fucking KNEW their kid would be a liability, have a hellish life for not only others but themselves, but wants to shit them out anyway to get more attention on facebook) in the same breath. I wish these lemmings would just be straight forward with their shit instead of gas lighting everything.
Sorry for sperging.
>its a reddit post called "I'm putting my extremely profoundly disabled 7 year old into a residential facility so I can forget he exists. I'm not sorry."
>tl;dr succubus has a kid, then gets another and was told that the child was going to be mentally retarded during pregnancy but ends up getting a potato who can't feel anything due to brain damage
>father commits suicide or gets into a work accident so she's single
>other kid starts beating up the tard, screaming "you're the reason why I don't have a mom!" and she watched but didn't care/enjoyed it
>puts tard into facility and boasts about "being enlightened" or some shit
>there's drama because it might be fake, but this hits home for me because I have an older brother who doesn't have autism like me. He showed general distaste for me when we were young, ignored me when we were in high school, but is suddenly "nice" to me after he graduated college + got a job while I'm a neet/freeter.
>most of the comments are other normalfags hugboxing this whore, saying she did the right thing and her and her kid are victims
god normalfags disgust me. they'll say how much we have to tolerate violent immigrants taking advantage of 1st world country's benefits (gib bucks) but they don't mind saying how much they want to euthanize disabled potatoes (and most of the whore mothers fucking KNEW their kid would be a liability, have a hellish life for not only others but themselves, but wants to shit them out anyway to get more attention on facebook) in the same breath. I wish these lemmings would just be straight forward with their shit instead of gas lighting everything.
Sorry for sperging.
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>>202899
We can't really "choose". We just listen to our subconscious' orders and execute them, like machines
"You" may want to die, but the self-preservation instinct will be like "Nah, that's where you're wrong, kiddo. How about we live for as long as possible? I don't care if you suffer or anything, just stay alive, aight?". Sometimes people manage to override their subconscious' orders, but that can be incredibly difficult
We can't really "choose". We just listen to our subconscious' orders and execute them, like machines
"You" may want to die, but the self-preservation instinct will be like "Nah, that's where you're wrong, kiddo. How about we live for as long as possible? I don't care if you suffer or anything, just stay alive, aight?". Sometimes people manage to override their subconscious' orders, but that can be incredibly difficult
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>>202899
>For as long as I've been alive, I've never come across a question that I couldn't find an answer to
You must be pretty young, or you have never dabbled in philosophy or any of the sciences, maybe both.
As for your entire existential crisis thing, life is, on the most basic of all planes, is about survival, proliferation and indulgence in bodily pleasures. These things are universal, and can hardly be bridled by abstract mind alone. No ascetic, in his heart of hearts, would find a full-course meal less pleasurable than prayer or studying something in his cell or hermitage. Buddhist monks who starved themselves to death, had to do this not in a single month, but progressively wear out their bodies and brains for years, until they can barely resist, physically and mentally. The urge to fap, sexual dream-induced nocturnal emissions, higher sensitivity to sexual stimulations after prolonged periods of nofap, all of this are manifestations of the will to proliferate, which can be satisfied by simply participating in or imitating sexual intercourse.
Objectively speaking, once you've got these most basic pillars of being secure, all suffering you are experiencing is entirely internal and comes from the abstract mind. Like here, you despise material gratification because you find it disgraceful, because you see yourself as a "damned Slaaneshi cultist" when you indulge yourself, as it undermines the abstract mind which you seem to value a lot, and more than that, you seek meaning in partaking in some great feats. This is your own set of beliefs, and it brings you suffering both as a value system on its own, and as something that encroaches on the basic pillars of being, denying you complete satisfaction from the material pleasures and chastizing you for a prolonged period of time afterwards.
Thankfully, it is possible to alter your worldview and your value system, it's just that it takes a lot of time and introspection. Construct yourself a set of beliefs that won't challenge the basic needs, "wants", and that won't set you goals that are impossible or too easy to accomplish, too abstract or too material, "wishes". Read philosophy, take ideas that you find promising, discard dogmas, remember about the importance of physical well-being and the inherently flawed nature of man. I could help by reminding you that the first cradles of civilization, where philosophy and education take their roots, appeared in areas where material affluence was possible and auspicious climate existed, thus allowing people living there to turn their view to the abstract plane. And today, now that there's more food and goods than ever (at least in the First and to some extent Second world), and information has come to be easily accessed and spread, more and more people get to be educated, even beyond what the state sets to be the standard.
>For as long as I've been alive, I've never come across a question that I couldn't find an answer to
You must be pretty young, or you have never dabbled in philosophy or any of the sciences, maybe both.
As for your entire existential crisis thing, life is, on the most basic of all planes, is about survival, proliferation and indulgence in bodily pleasures. These things are universal, and can hardly be bridled by abstract mind alone. No ascetic, in his heart of hearts, would find a full-course meal less pleasurable than prayer or studying something in his cell or hermitage. Buddhist monks who starved themselves to death, had to do this not in a single month, but progressively wear out their bodies and brains for years, until they can barely resist, physically and mentally. The urge to fap, sexual dream-induced nocturnal emissions, higher sensitivity to sexual stimulations after prolonged periods of nofap, all of this are manifestations of the will to proliferate, which can be satisfied by simply participating in or imitating sexual intercourse.
Objectively speaking, once you've got these most basic pillars of being secure, all suffering you are experiencing is entirely internal and comes from the abstract mind. Like here, you despise material gratification because you find it disgraceful, because you see yourself as a "damned Slaaneshi cultist" when you indulge yourself, as it undermines the abstract mind which you seem to value a lot, and more than that, you seek meaning in partaking in some great feats. This is your own set of beliefs, and it brings you suffering both as a value system on its own, and as something that encroaches on the basic pillars of being, denying you complete satisfaction from the material pleasures and chastizing you for a prolonged period of time afterwards.
Thankfully, it is possible to alter your worldview and your value system, it's just that it takes a lot of time and introspection. Construct yourself a set of beliefs that won't challenge the basic needs, "wants", and that won't set you goals that are impossible or too easy to accomplish, too abstract or too material, "wishes". Read philosophy, take ideas that you find promising, discard dogmas, remember about the importance of physical well-being and the inherently flawed nature of man. I could help by reminding you that the first cradles of civilization, where philosophy and education take their roots, appeared in areas where material affluence was possible and auspicious climate existed, thus allowing people living there to turn their view to the abstract plane. And today, now that there's more food and goods than ever (at least in the First and to some extent Second world), and information has come to be easily accessed and spread, more and more people get to be educated, even beyond what the state sets to be the standard.
>>202906
I really struggle with this. I hate wasting time and don't like hedonism yet all I do is waste time and put minimal effort into everything and focus on short term pleasures.
I really struggle with this. I hate wasting time and don't like hedonism yet all I do is waste time and put minimal effort into everything and focus on short term pleasures.
>>202907
It's important to remember that there's no such thing as "long term pleasures", all pleasures are short-term. Process which you find generally pleasurable consists of minute, disparate pleasures, different in nature and intensity. People find pleasures that take time and work to eventually experience better than more direct and instantaneous ones for two reasons: pragmaticism and pleasure seeking. It's pragmatic, as it promotes assiduity, teaches one to effectively divide larger tasks into a multitude of smaller ones, by performing which you complete the primary undertaking. The pleasure seeking part of it all lies in the fact that it spawns pleasures during the entire process, while retaining and perhaps increasing the final outburst of pleasure which comes at the end.
Direct, one-step pleasures in the current reality of our society exist primarily in the form of ready-to-eat foods, porn and the inane kind of videogames and Internet media; as a rule of thumb, anything that exists in plentiful amounts, requires little to no input and physical or mental strain, should be consumed/done with caution and not be overindulged in. As such, you should limit your exposure to these pleasures, with bodily, essential ones, fulfill them at a lower frequency. Instead of focusing yourself on sheer abstinence, which often puts you on a slippery slope, begin practising the "divide and enjoy" tactic, as it's achieved only through practice. By looking at a painting, we associate pleasure with the final creation, should we begin drawing with the same mindset, we are bound to fail; yet through learning and trying painting ourselves we see that there's pleasure to find in each step we take to complete our work: in the rough sketch, in the properly picked palette, in something as small as a line that best captures the form you're depicting.
It's important to remember that there's no such thing as "long term pleasures", all pleasures are short-term. Process which you find generally pleasurable consists of minute, disparate pleasures, different in nature and intensity. People find pleasures that take time and work to eventually experience better than more direct and instantaneous ones for two reasons: pragmaticism and pleasure seeking. It's pragmatic, as it promotes assiduity, teaches one to effectively divide larger tasks into a multitude of smaller ones, by performing which you complete the primary undertaking. The pleasure seeking part of it all lies in the fact that it spawns pleasures during the entire process, while retaining and perhaps increasing the final outburst of pleasure which comes at the end.
Direct, one-step pleasures in the current reality of our society exist primarily in the form of ready-to-eat foods, porn and the inane kind of videogames and Internet media; as a rule of thumb, anything that exists in plentiful amounts, requires little to no input and physical or mental strain, should be consumed/done with caution and not be overindulged in. As such, you should limit your exposure to these pleasures, with bodily, essential ones, fulfill them at a lower frequency. Instead of focusing yourself on sheer abstinence, which often puts you on a slippery slope, begin practising the "divide and enjoy" tactic, as it's achieved only through practice. By looking at a painting, we associate pleasure with the final creation, should we begin drawing with the same mindset, we are bound to fail; yet through learning and trying painting ourselves we see that there's pleasure to find in each step we take to complete our work: in the rough sketch, in the properly picked palette, in something as small as a line that best captures the form you're depicting.
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>>202909
This isn't scientific but here is that I mean by that.
Short term pleasure give a quick but short burst of pleasure.
Here for example:
Red = short term pleasures
>day starts
>eat some sugary cereal for breakfast
>shitpost on imageboards
>order some fast food
>masturbate
>play a video game
Blue = long term pleasure
>day starts
>eat some oatmeal
>spend most of the day doing art
>go exercising
>then read a book and go to sleep
This isn't scientific but here is that I mean by that.
Short term pleasure give a quick but short burst of pleasure.
Here for example:
Red = short term pleasures
>day starts
>eat some sugary cereal for breakfast
>shitpost on imageboards
>order some fast food
>masturbate
>play a video game
Blue = long term pleasure
>day starts
>eat some oatmeal
>spend most of the day doing art
>go exercising
>then read a book and go to sleep
>>202910
I think pleasure itself is always a short burst because it relies on a specific stimuli to which you eventually get satiated by.
Long-term "pleasure" is different because it's actually caused by a lack of suffering and isn't sensual per se. It's much more abstract and it's tied to your beliefs. For instance, the idea of job security, knowing you have people you can turn to in trouble, believing you're reasonably healthy, believing good things are up ahead, feeling confident about future challenges etc. This all leads to a clear mind without anxieties and conflicts, in short, mental suffering.
There is no problem with short-term pleasure or pleasure in general, it's one of the good things of life and it's built in to you to seek it. The problem arises from people (ab)using it to compensate for their current suffering. No matter how much you jerk off or eat tasty food or even shoot heroin, you won't alleviate the suffering and hence you'll be stuck in an addictive loop because the pleasure itself is "meaningless" - it's just a sensual illusion and doesn't affect your current reality or the way you look at it, but nonetheless you believe on a fundamental level that it will.
I guess what you graph lacks is a baseline, an imaginary line that's based on your current view of your state of being. I say imaginary because it can align with reality but it doesn't have to, it's a subjective perspective.
>>202906
Good post. A lot of suffering is entirely mental and can be alleviated through deep introspection into the origin of our beliefs and unconscious goals. People dealing with an "existential crisis" never question why they need for there to be "meaning" in the universe or if they settle on a "depressive" nihilistic perspective, why they might actually need for it to be true.
One of the best insights of my life was realizing that everything began and ended with my own mind and that the external world seldom mattered as much as it seemed it did.
I think pleasure itself is always a short burst because it relies on a specific stimuli to which you eventually get satiated by.
Long-term "pleasure" is different because it's actually caused by a lack of suffering and isn't sensual per se. It's much more abstract and it's tied to your beliefs. For instance, the idea of job security, knowing you have people you can turn to in trouble, believing you're reasonably healthy, believing good things are up ahead, feeling confident about future challenges etc. This all leads to a clear mind without anxieties and conflicts, in short, mental suffering.
There is no problem with short-term pleasure or pleasure in general, it's one of the good things of life and it's built in to you to seek it. The problem arises from people (ab)using it to compensate for their current suffering. No matter how much you jerk off or eat tasty food or even shoot heroin, you won't alleviate the suffering and hence you'll be stuck in an addictive loop because the pleasure itself is "meaningless" - it's just a sensual illusion and doesn't affect your current reality or the way you look at it, but nonetheless you believe on a fundamental level that it will.
I guess what you graph lacks is a baseline, an imaginary line that's based on your current view of your state of being. I say imaginary because it can align with reality but it doesn't have to, it's a subjective perspective.
>>202906
Good post. A lot of suffering is entirely mental and can be alleviated through deep introspection into the origin of our beliefs and unconscious goals. People dealing with an "existential crisis" never question why they need for there to be "meaning" in the universe or if they settle on a "depressive" nihilistic perspective, why they might actually need for it to be true.
One of the best insights of my life was realizing that everything began and ended with my own mind and that the external world seldom mattered as much as it seemed it did.
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>>202912
I'm just so sensitive to pain and discomfort. No idea how other people can bear it. I feel trapped because I hate the current essentially vegetative state I am in and yet I can't start any of the habits that are supposed to improve my life. Exercise every 2nd day? Too exhausting. Cooking food? Buying fresh ingredients, washing them, preparing them, then afterwards clean the pots and pans… it's too much for me. Reading books? I just can't get myself to do it. And I think I heard all advice there is at this point.
I don't know where I am supposed to get the strength from to improve. I thought meds would do it but nope. I thought that getting bored with internet and video games will force me to be productive but nope. I thought that the pressure of getting older and running out of options would do it but nope. I feel like the weakest person on earth.
I'm just so sensitive to pain and discomfort. No idea how other people can bear it. I feel trapped because I hate the current essentially vegetative state I am in and yet I can't start any of the habits that are supposed to improve my life. Exercise every 2nd day? Too exhausting. Cooking food? Buying fresh ingredients, washing them, preparing them, then afterwards clean the pots and pans… it's too much for me. Reading books? I just can't get myself to do it. And I think I heard all advice there is at this point.
I don't know where I am supposed to get the strength from to improve. I thought meds would do it but nope. I thought that getting bored with internet and video games will force me to be productive but nope. I thought that the pressure of getting older and running out of options would do it but nope. I feel like the weakest person on earth.
Long term pleasures are short term pleasures scaled up by 'x'. Where 'x' is a factor of one's own ability to experience happiness. When you're depressed 'x' can dip below 1.0 and actually cause long term pleasures to have less impact than short term pleasures
>Well I read this book and it sucked, should have just get drunk and watch a action flick.
or render a negative pleasure.
>I've wasted so much fucking time learning this instrument and I can still barely play anything.
>Well I read this book and it sucked, should have just get drunk and watch a action flick.
or render a negative pleasure.
>I've wasted so much fucking time learning this instrument and I can still barely play anything.
>>202916
For me the problem with long term pleasures is that it takes time and effort before they really pay off. Reading a book (non-fiction) is not instantly enjoyable to me. It will be enjoyable only once I actually get to use that knowledge. Learning any skill it takes over a year to see the first actual results.
For me the problem with long term pleasures is that it takes time and effort before they really pay off. Reading a book (non-fiction) is not instantly enjoyable to me. It will be enjoyable only once I actually get to use that knowledge. Learning any skill it takes over a year to see the first actual results.
>>202899
>No big enemy to struggle against besides life itself.
Except there are. Social norms for instance, society, governments, corporations. There are many large enemies out there that are making things worse for you.
>No big enemy to struggle against besides life itself.
Except there are. Social norms for instance, society, governments, corporations. There are many large enemies out there that are making things worse for you.
Long term pleasures is a mindtrick you can perform only in case you still carry some delusions, once you're "pilled" you are left with a shitty show to watch, not even funny.
The biggest enemy are the parents you cannot blame and traumatize.
Why the fuck am i writing this.
The biggest enemy are the parents you cannot blame and traumatize.
Why the fuck am i writing this.
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>>202906
I mean no disrespect, but that sounds like merely defaulting to what is most convenient. It sounds like bowing to weakness and letting it overtake you, it isn't even a choice you really make but rather have it made for you. Perhaps I'm just being stubborn though, lamenting about my inability to change reality instead of changing my perception and expectations of it. I cannot accept that these banal needs and desires are all there is to our existence, I crave for a planet-wide war to fight and die in, or a galaxy-spanning effort of conquest and colonization, or some other great deed to partake in that would have some lasting importance after my bones turn to dust. I don't care whether I am remembered or forgotten, I only want to have a reason, any reason, to live. Anything that can validate my seemingly inexplicable and illogical choice to continue drawing breath that I make day after day and have done for decades.
This desire is like a virus in my mind. It keeps spreading in my mind and showing me visions of going on killing sprees, building and detonating nuclear reactors, spreading biological/chemical WMDs, assassinating popular humans, doing anything so completely out of the ordinary that I could feel strong emotion about the deed, whether it was pride or horror means no difference to me. I suspect all of this is my desire to feel "better" than the groids I so despise, to be recognized and acknowledged by them even if it is negative, to feed my increasingly rampant narcissism and superiority complex. I look down upon groids as "mere mortals" and scoff at them in my mind when nearly always they would be more justified in doing the same to me. Even though I lie to myself that it's not true, I despise groids because they are an eternal reminder that my continued choice to not procreate or engage in their social games doesn't make me any different from them, that I am just like them at best. Probably not even that, I am a failure wriggling beneath their proverbial feet for being so deeply corrupted that I actively fight against my biological imperatives, like a sentient fridge that warms instead of freezing food and revels in that knowledge.
I don't even feel any guilt or shame or regret about this knowledge. I just shrug and keep doing what I want, my mind is too badly cracked to allow me to form those kinds of feelings anymore. I know I am lying to myself and am a piece of garbage, I know that if I were cloned I'd utterly despise that clone, and yet I keep on doing the exact same stuff as before. Lalala I am superior, fuck groid scum, waaaah where's my meaning, giving in to cravings and desires to fill the emptiness that I likely created and keep perpetuating. The only success I've found was in becoming a genetic failure and dead-end. I despise myself and say I deserve to be skinned alive and tortured for all eternity, while at the same time, nobody in all existence has ever loved and worshiped anyone as much as I do to myself.
I mean no disrespect, but that sounds like merely defaulting to what is most convenient. It sounds like bowing to weakness and letting it overtake you, it isn't even a choice you really make but rather have it made for you. Perhaps I'm just being stubborn though, lamenting about my inability to change reality instead of changing my perception and expectations of it. I cannot accept that these banal needs and desires are all there is to our existence, I crave for a planet-wide war to fight and die in, or a galaxy-spanning effort of conquest and colonization, or some other great deed to partake in that would have some lasting importance after my bones turn to dust. I don't care whether I am remembered or forgotten, I only want to have a reason, any reason, to live. Anything that can validate my seemingly inexplicable and illogical choice to continue drawing breath that I make day after day and have done for decades.
This desire is like a virus in my mind. It keeps spreading in my mind and showing me visions of going on killing sprees, building and detonating nuclear reactors, spreading biological/chemical WMDs, assassinating popular humans, doing anything so completely out of the ordinary that I could feel strong emotion about the deed, whether it was pride or horror means no difference to me. I suspect all of this is my desire to feel "better" than the groids I so despise, to be recognized and acknowledged by them even if it is negative, to feed my increasingly rampant narcissism and superiority complex. I look down upon groids as "mere mortals" and scoff at them in my mind when nearly always they would be more justified in doing the same to me. Even though I lie to myself that it's not true, I despise groids because they are an eternal reminder that my continued choice to not procreate or engage in their social games doesn't make me any different from them, that I am just like them at best. Probably not even that, I am a failure wriggling beneath their proverbial feet for being so deeply corrupted that I actively fight against my biological imperatives, like a sentient fridge that warms instead of freezing food and revels in that knowledge.
I don't even feel any guilt or shame or regret about this knowledge. I just shrug and keep doing what I want, my mind is too badly cracked to allow me to form those kinds of feelings anymore. I know I am lying to myself and am a piece of garbage, I know that if I were cloned I'd utterly despise that clone, and yet I keep on doing the exact same stuff as before. Lalala I am superior, fuck groid scum, waaaah where's my meaning, giving in to cravings and desires to fill the emptiness that I likely created and keep perpetuating. The only success I've found was in becoming a genetic failure and dead-end. I despise myself and say I deserve to be skinned alive and tortured for all eternity, while at the same time, nobody in all existence has ever loved and worshiped anyone as much as I do to myself.
I was addicted at the first pill, the first time the doctors gave me xanax. Imagine living your entire life in fear, then all of a sudden one pill takes it all away, one pill turns you from a barely scraping by student in community college to a straight A student that will graduate soon with a good degree, all because of xanax. I don't know if I can call it addiction since it only took one pill, but I couldn't live without it, I wish every day that my brain was normal and I could just relax and not feel scared constantly without this drug. I just want to feel at least ok most of the time but life is a hellish nightmare without xanax.
>>202344
If you get no pleasure from the process of creating art, then art wasn't meant for you to make, and you should move on. Every artist that I have met and know (including myself) has a burning passion for the art of creating art itself. It's like giving birth to something. You start out basic, and build upon it, you fix things, you figure things out. You have moments of hopelessness, then moments of absolutely euphoria and bliss! The finished product is the result of you putting your life into into it. Without that, it can never look good or evoke feeling or emotion. If you don't spend time raising a child, teaching it how the world works. Dealing with and making it through periods of distress and utter frustration. Having absolutely fantastic and loving moments with the child. Realising both their goods and their bads. Realising that both counterparts make them who they are, and not one or the other… If you don't spend time with the child, the child will grow up flawed. disordered. immature. hopeless.
Art is your baby. If you've no capacity for patience, find some menial hobby that doesn't require what you lack.
If you get no pleasure from the process of creating art, then art wasn't meant for you to make, and you should move on. Every artist that I have met and know (including myself) has a burning passion for the art of creating art itself. It's like giving birth to something. You start out basic, and build upon it, you fix things, you figure things out. You have moments of hopelessness, then moments of absolutely euphoria and bliss! The finished product is the result of you putting your life into into it. Without that, it can never look good or evoke feeling or emotion. If you don't spend time raising a child, teaching it how the world works. Dealing with and making it through periods of distress and utter frustration. Having absolutely fantastic and loving moments with the child. Realising both their goods and their bads. Realising that both counterparts make them who they are, and not one or the other… If you don't spend time with the child, the child will grow up flawed. disordered. immature. hopeless.
Art is your baby. If you've no capacity for patience, find some menial hobby that doesn't require what you lack.
>>202204
It feels like my entire life I've done many things to run/hide away from people and consequences. I don't care to do a lot of things except only to avoid pain.
Why do I work? To avoid the pain of poverty in our modern world.
Why do I look for a place of my own? To avoid the pain of homelessness and living with others.
Why do I force myself to smile even when I want to curl up in a ball and cry and hide away from everyone? To avoid the consequences of being an outcast while I am still poor.
I just want to be left alone. I want to be far away from the action. I want to live in my own insulated bubble.
My anxiety and depression is gnawing at my spirit. I wish I would drop dead or never have been born. I was not meant to be a part of this sickening species.
It feels like my entire life I've done many things to run/hide away from people and consequences. I don't care to do a lot of things except only to avoid pain.
Why do I work? To avoid the pain of poverty in our modern world.
Why do I look for a place of my own? To avoid the pain of homelessness and living with others.
Why do I force myself to smile even when I want to curl up in a ball and cry and hide away from everyone? To avoid the consequences of being an outcast while I am still poor.
I just want to be left alone. I want to be far away from the action. I want to live in my own insulated bubble.
My anxiety and depression is gnawing at my spirit. I wish I would drop dead or never have been born. I was not meant to be a part of this sickening species.
My family recently had a religious talk about me. They think I have the devil in me because I let my twelve year old cousin play grand theft auto. They've never once cared that I'm a weird depressed hermit, or that four of our family members are drug addicts. Their angry that I pitied my broke friendless little cousin, and played video games and shared some laughs with him for a few hours.
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>>202926
I don't want to derail the thread into discussing drawing problems, but here I go.
I guess what annoys me most in drawing is the expected easiness of it all, which ends up being at odds with what it is for me personally. Seeing other artists, even non-professional ones, draw with ease and have good results in the end doesn't exactly help, in fact, it makes everything worse, as I come to think that there's something wrong with my brain, if it can't properly execute what's basically:
SEE THING –→ COPY TO PAPER
This is the part where I explain where I constantly go wrong, and no matter how hard I try, I can't fix this.
I've been trying to figure out, isolate, study and explain these constant, debilitating mistakes that I keep unwittingly making, and I ended up with a number of them.
First one is rather interesting, I seem to have some sort of Acute Angle Cretinism. Essentially, I can't properly perceive lines at angles close to 0° and 90°, as I end up drawing them as either fully horizontal or vertical, or increasing the angle of inclination, messing up the actual image as a result.
Secondly, I seem to perceive everything as it is in relation to my body. I came to realize this one when I decided to draw my drawing hand as I drew. From where I was looking, my hand looked basically the same way as in the picture attached. As you can see, the tip of the pen is "above" the other end of the pen. Yet, when I was drawing my hand, I ended up drawing my pencil in an entirely opposite fashion. The position of my pencil in the drawing shifted, with the other end being higher than the tip. I had to stop myself for a second. I looked at the drawing and then at my hand. The drawing looked wrong, but it felt right. It was then that it dawned on me. Technically, the tip is below the other end of the pencil, I could feel this by touching it with my hand, I knew this with my spatial thinking, but it couldn't be further from truth if one were to look at it. This also explains the many problems I have when drawing things that are below or above me, as I don't perceive their perspective lines as shooting towards the horizon line, but I rather perceive them as objects that are below me, which technically remain at the same level, instead of gradually "rising" towards the horizon the line in the picture.
And the last thing, but not least, I think, is the cylindrical, spherical, and other smooth, wrapping bodies. When people draw, say, a cylinder, the straight lines of the cylinder don't feel like sharp, flat edges, like there's nothing beyond them and all roundness ends at them, instead, it feels like a natural continuation of the planes of the cylinder, it's not an edge, it's a plane wrapping arond the last visible line. It's hard to explain, but it's something that's been pestering me for a long time, and I can't seem to find other people struggling with any of this.
Basically, I feel like a dumb cunt when I draw. Seeing other people do this as if it's something natural, which I believe it is, and I'm simply malformed or have some sort of a deviation, makes me lose all patience I might have had, and I end up wanting to break my clipboard with my head and tear all paper I have into shreds. What makes it worse though, what keeps me going, are the occasional moments of clarity I have, when I suddenly get this feeling of flow, and every line is near perfect, the proportions are just right, perspective comes on its own, and I perceive with my eyes, rather than my body. But then the next day I lose this sudden burst of understanding, and it's all drudgery and personal scrutiny coupled with self-loathing all over again.
I don't want to derail the thread into discussing drawing problems, but here I go.
I guess what annoys me most in drawing is the expected easiness of it all, which ends up being at odds with what it is for me personally. Seeing other artists, even non-professional ones, draw with ease and have good results in the end doesn't exactly help, in fact, it makes everything worse, as I come to think that there's something wrong with my brain, if it can't properly execute what's basically:
SEE THING –→ COPY TO PAPER
This is the part where I explain where I constantly go wrong, and no matter how hard I try, I can't fix this.
I've been trying to figure out, isolate, study and explain these constant, debilitating mistakes that I keep unwittingly making, and I ended up with a number of them.
First one is rather interesting, I seem to have some sort of Acute Angle Cretinism. Essentially, I can't properly perceive lines at angles close to 0° and 90°, as I end up drawing them as either fully horizontal or vertical, or increasing the angle of inclination, messing up the actual image as a result.
Secondly, I seem to perceive everything as it is in relation to my body. I came to realize this one when I decided to draw my drawing hand as I drew. From where I was looking, my hand looked basically the same way as in the picture attached. As you can see, the tip of the pen is "above" the other end of the pen. Yet, when I was drawing my hand, I ended up drawing my pencil in an entirely opposite fashion. The position of my pencil in the drawing shifted, with the other end being higher than the tip. I had to stop myself for a second. I looked at the drawing and then at my hand. The drawing looked wrong, but it felt right. It was then that it dawned on me. Technically, the tip is below the other end of the pencil, I could feel this by touching it with my hand, I knew this with my spatial thinking, but it couldn't be further from truth if one were to look at it. This also explains the many problems I have when drawing things that are below or above me, as I don't perceive their perspective lines as shooting towards the horizon line, but I rather perceive them as objects that are below me, which technically remain at the same level, instead of gradually "rising" towards the horizon the line in the picture.
And the last thing, but not least, I think, is the cylindrical, spherical, and other smooth, wrapping bodies. When people draw, say, a cylinder, the straight lines of the cylinder don't feel like sharp, flat edges, like there's nothing beyond them and all roundness ends at them, instead, it feels like a natural continuation of the planes of the cylinder, it's not an edge, it's a plane wrapping arond the last visible line. It's hard to explain, but it's something that's been pestering me for a long time, and I can't seem to find other people struggling with any of this.
Basically, I feel like a dumb cunt when I draw. Seeing other people do this as if it's something natural, which I believe it is, and I'm simply malformed or have some sort of a deviation, makes me lose all patience I might have had, and I end up wanting to break my clipboard with my head and tear all paper I have into shreds. What makes it worse though, what keeps me going, are the occasional moments of clarity I have, when I suddenly get this feeling of flow, and every line is near perfect, the proportions are just right, perspective comes on its own, and I perceive with my eyes, rather than my body. But then the next day I lose this sudden burst of understanding, and it's all drudgery and personal scrutiny coupled with self-loathing all over again.
>>202936
Your feelings seem pretty common to me. I don't draw but I do other artistic work. The learning period sucks, there is nothing enjoyable about it. It is very frustrating and can seem hopeless at times. You don't start getting satisfation until you get enough skills to create something worthwhile. When I create something I don't "enjoy" the process itself per se, but I don't dislike it either. It just keeps my OCD brain occupied with something. But I'm not bored, that is the keyword here. My mind is focused and invested into the task, and I go into my own little bubble where I forget about depression and the outside world.
Your feelings seem pretty common to me. I don't draw but I do other artistic work. The learning period sucks, there is nothing enjoyable about it. It is very frustrating and can seem hopeless at times. You don't start getting satisfation until you get enough skills to create something worthwhile. When I create something I don't "enjoy" the process itself per se, but I don't dislike it either. It just keeps my OCD brain occupied with something. But I'm not bored, that is the keyword here. My mind is focused and invested into the task, and I go into my own little bubble where I forget about depression and the outside world.
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2 days without masturbating. I feel kinda energetic.
I have a very small stomach, I know that if I eat more than I can handle I'm going to feel like I'm dying but here I am lying in my bed feeling like my belly is going to split. At least the food was good.
can't stop getting into arguments on forums and getting banned because no one else will talk to me.
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>>202948
i had no chance to drink coke this week and i knew i'll have massive diarrhea if i drink the whole bottle, but here i am, as if my hemorroids isnt painful enouth
i had no chance to drink coke this week and i knew i'll have massive diarrhea if i drink the whole bottle, but here i am, as if my hemorroids isnt painful enouth
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Talking to my mother about how depressed I am really is such a waste of time and not something I'd done for a while until once recently. It's selfish, futile, and mostly self-defeating, given how internally frustrated I get with myself over being unable to put words to how truly miserable I am, or how much I just want to fucking die. On that note, I've noticed how I've progressively seemed to get more & more inarticulate as the years have rolled by, which makes me astonishingly bad at any sort of self-expression these days, verbal or otherwise. I guess existing for over 12 years now as an almost completely isolated hermit will do that to you. Despite it all however, my mother, in many ways, does get where I'm coming from. In addition, I'm sure if most people here could hear what I have to say they, most probably, wouldn't classify me as inarticulate, but even still, to me, my words just never seem to have the impact & insight I want them to have, hence the intense frustration & feelings of being completely inarticulate.
In the end, I just wish she'd finally give up on me, instead of holding out some ridiculous, inane hope to have everything turn around for the "better", based on her own delusional sense of the word. Not just for me mind you, but also, perhaps more importantly, for herself. Really, the best thing that could happen is for the house to just suddenly blow up and take the both of us with it. After all, the only things awaiting either of us are continued disappointment, pain & all around misfortune, as whatever future sludgey muck comes hurtling down life's shit encrusted pipes to drench us head to toe. I know she knows this, but it's easier to fool yourself into pretending otherwise, instead of just staring hopelessly into the crap chute as I do. Either way, it's all very tragic.
What a painfully worthless post this turned out to be. I wish I could just conjure a vague post like this >>202265 instead of whinging about a bunch of stupid personal shit that may as well be incoherent gibberish to the equivalent of just randomly running my hand across my keyboard for a few moments. Oh well.
>>202818
I often find myself feeling somewhat the same. In my case, I largely just feel depressed & deflated knowing that someone can express, in some cases, everything I happen to feel in such a way that I could never hope to. Whether that's in a piece of artwork, a poem, or simply an insightful post. In the end, like everything, it doesn't really matter, but it still manages to make me feel completely muted & worthless. I'm not special or unique in my pain and 100 other people could say/do far more with it than I could do. There's a special, uniquely unpleasant indignity in that, at least for me. Probably just my own dubious sense of vanity/narcissism talking, I'd imagine.
In the end, I just wish she'd finally give up on me, instead of holding out some ridiculous, inane hope to have everything turn around for the "better", based on her own delusional sense of the word. Not just for me mind you, but also, perhaps more importantly, for herself. Really, the best thing that could happen is for the house to just suddenly blow up and take the both of us with it. After all, the only things awaiting either of us are continued disappointment, pain & all around misfortune, as whatever future sludgey muck comes hurtling down life's shit encrusted pipes to drench us head to toe. I know she knows this, but it's easier to fool yourself into pretending otherwise, instead of just staring hopelessly into the crap chute as I do. Either way, it's all very tragic.
What a painfully worthless post this turned out to be. I wish I could just conjure a vague post like this >>202265 instead of whinging about a bunch of stupid personal shit that may as well be incoherent gibberish to the equivalent of just randomly running my hand across my keyboard for a few moments. Oh well.
>>202818
I often find myself feeling somewhat the same. In my case, I largely just feel depressed & deflated knowing that someone can express, in some cases, everything I happen to feel in such a way that I could never hope to. Whether that's in a piece of artwork, a poem, or simply an insightful post. In the end, like everything, it doesn't really matter, but it still manages to make me feel completely muted & worthless. I'm not special or unique in my pain and 100 other people could say/do far more with it than I could do. There's a special, uniquely unpleasant indignity in that, at least for me. Probably just my own dubious sense of vanity/narcissism talking, I'd imagine.
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Almost Monday. I love spending my weekends playing vidya, marathoning animu and mango, studying japanese and even cooking up something fancier. Basically enjoying my self in my own world along with my waifu. However as the week approaches the anxiety of having to leave home and venture into the real, physical world; work and meeting other people, sets in =/
Would be interested in knowing if any other wizzies here live off and for escapism.
Would be interested in knowing if any other wizzies here live off and for escapism.
How much no-sleep is dangerous assuming you're eating correctly and otherwise healthy? Sometimes I can't sleep at all then I have to go to work and I'm worried.
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>>202965
Yes, I hate having to go outside for wageslaving and always hated going outside for school. Always been uncomfortable around people and have a very bad tendency to carefully plan out and overthink all my actions, down to the smallest gesture like scratching my cheek. As a result I can never relax while outside, because I only rarely can I go into auto-pilot mode, like I imagine most normal people do when they're out and about. Every little social interaction is a trial.
Escapism has always been my raison d'être pretty much. When I'm outside and having a shit day I think about how nice it'll be to return to my room and relax. I remember doing this a lot in high school, looking forward to going home, and then finally getting home after the end of the day and getting under the covers in my bed to watch anime. Summer vacations as a teenager in high school and college were heaven, because I would switch to a nocturnal sleep schedule and would get to browse obscure imageboards, play games, read untranslated visual novels, etc with no one to disturb me, just alone in my room with all the lights off in front of my computer.
Yes, I hate having to go outside for wageslaving and always hated going outside for school. Always been uncomfortable around people and have a very bad tendency to carefully plan out and overthink all my actions, down to the smallest gesture like scratching my cheek. As a result I can never relax while outside, because I only rarely can I go into auto-pilot mode, like I imagine most normal people do when they're out and about. Every little social interaction is a trial.
Escapism has always been my raison d'être pretty much. When I'm outside and having a shit day I think about how nice it'll be to return to my room and relax. I remember doing this a lot in high school, looking forward to going home, and then finally getting home after the end of the day and getting under the covers in my bed to watch anime. Summer vacations as a teenager in high school and college were heaven, because I would switch to a nocturnal sleep schedule and would get to browse obscure imageboards, play games, read untranslated visual novels, etc with no one to disturb me, just alone in my room with all the lights off in front of my computer.
>>202970
I can't say for everyone but nosleep ruins me pretty fast. One day without sleep or just going to bad too late is enough turn me into a complete vegetable
I can't say for everyone but nosleep ruins me pretty fast. One day without sleep or just going to bad too late is enough turn me into a complete vegetable
>>202961
>In the end, I just wish she'd finally give up on me, instead of holding out some ridiculous, inane hope to have everything turn around for the "better", based on her own delusional sense of the word. Not just for me mind you, but also, perhaps more importantly, for herself. Really, the best thing that could happen is for the house to just suddenly blow up and take the both of us with it. After all, the only things awaiting either of us are continued disappointment, pain & all around misfortune, as whatever future sludgey muck comes hurtling down life's shit encrusted pipes to drench us head to toe. I know she knows this, but it's easier to fool yourself into pretending otherwise, instead of just staring hopelessly into the crap chute as I do. Either way, it's all very tragic.
This breaks my heart. My mom thinks some morning we'll wake up and all the problems and frustrations will be magically solved when in fact disaster is awaiting for us. Her health will deteriorate, I will be utterly alone, everything will be falling apart..
>In the end, I just wish she'd finally give up on me, instead of holding out some ridiculous, inane hope to have everything turn around for the "better", based on her own delusional sense of the word. Not just for me mind you, but also, perhaps more importantly, for herself. Really, the best thing that could happen is for the house to just suddenly blow up and take the both of us with it. After all, the only things awaiting either of us are continued disappointment, pain & all around misfortune, as whatever future sludgey muck comes hurtling down life's shit encrusted pipes to drench us head to toe. I know she knows this, but it's easier to fool yourself into pretending otherwise, instead of just staring hopelessly into the crap chute as I do. Either way, it's all very tragic.
This breaks my heart. My mom thinks some morning we'll wake up and all the problems and frustrations will be magically solved when in fact disaster is awaiting for us. Her health will deteriorate, I will be utterly alone, everything will be falling apart..
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I don't know where else I can ask about this… What are the best suicide methods?
I don't think I can acquire some magic chemicals from dark web, only commonly used stuff is available
Everything seems painful, jumping from high places, shooting, hanging, etc. I need more ideas
I need everything prepared before I become too brain-dead
I don't think I can acquire some magic chemicals from dark web, only commonly used stuff is available
Everything seems painful, jumping from high places, shooting, hanging, etc. I need more ideas
I need everything prepared before I become too brain-dead
>>202970
Dangerous in what manner? It almost entirely depends on you and how you handle skipping sleep for extended periods of time, but 1-2 days make driving dangerous, 1-3 days for dangerous tasks like handling machinery or tools that require care and attention so you don't get hurt or kill yourself accidentally. If you mean in general - ~265 hours is the world record, the guy recovered from negative effects of it shortly afterwards without any long term repercussions. After ~48 hours your immune system starts suffering and that can kill you if you're sick and/or catch illness often. After ~72 hours you become a low-tier zombie, relatively similar experience to what it's like to be on large does of antidepressants/antipsychotics, and if you haven't already, you definitely start microsleeping (short periods of up to 30 seconds where your brain falls asleep and you're basically sleeping with open eyes until you suddenly wake up and obviously remember nothing of what went on during that time).
I've went without sleep for 8 days. By the end I had been sitting around for almost two days merely staring at the wall, occasionally going to the bathroom, sipping water and daydreaming, though it may be more prudent to call it "seeing visions filled with madness and hallucinations that made it nigh impossible to differentiate between reality and my imagination". I remember almost nothing past day 5 and only have any info on the last 3 days from brief and sometimes incoherent diary entries I made. As far as I know, microsleep hit me and I simply didn't wake up until 25-35 hours afterwards. From my experience, after ~72 hours you become incapable of doing anything requiring intelligence in a reasonable amount of time or with any kind of precision. Video games are playable for up to 5 days if you can play them with pure muscle memory like Warframe or MMOs where you grind on auto-pilot.
Dangerous in what manner? It almost entirely depends on you and how you handle skipping sleep for extended periods of time, but 1-2 days make driving dangerous, 1-3 days for dangerous tasks like handling machinery or tools that require care and attention so you don't get hurt or kill yourself accidentally. If you mean in general - ~265 hours is the world record, the guy recovered from negative effects of it shortly afterwards without any long term repercussions. After ~48 hours your immune system starts suffering and that can kill you if you're sick and/or catch illness often. After ~72 hours you become a low-tier zombie, relatively similar experience to what it's like to be on large does of antidepressants/antipsychotics, and if you haven't already, you definitely start microsleeping (short periods of up to 30 seconds where your brain falls asleep and you're basically sleeping with open eyes until you suddenly wake up and obviously remember nothing of what went on during that time).
I've went without sleep for 8 days. By the end I had been sitting around for almost two days merely staring at the wall, occasionally going to the bathroom, sipping water and daydreaming, though it may be more prudent to call it "seeing visions filled with madness and hallucinations that made it nigh impossible to differentiate between reality and my imagination". I remember almost nothing past day 5 and only have any info on the last 3 days from brief and sometimes incoherent diary entries I made. As far as I know, microsleep hit me and I simply didn't wake up until 25-35 hours afterwards. From my experience, after ~72 hours you become incapable of doing anything requiring intelligence in a reasonable amount of time or with any kind of precision. Video games are playable for up to 5 days if you can play them with pure muscle memory like Warframe or MMOs where you grind on auto-pilot.
I'm pissed about everything again. And like always I lack any reasoning as to why I get so pissed from time to time, so even if I tried explaining it to someone else, I'd make a clown of myself and be called a retard with anger issues, which I probably am.
But holy fuck is this annoying.
But holy fuck is this annoying.
>>202981
I get this too. In my case the things that make me blow up are often not that big of a deal, mild frustrations. But they add up, the noise and the thoughts and the feelings. And eventually it can add up no more and you feel incredibly angry for no reason, very quickly after which the brain will frantically search for anything to be this angry at. So all you can see, hear, think and feel becomes identified as a source of it. It might be the closest thing to a hatred for living there is.
I get this too. In my case the things that make me blow up are often not that big of a deal, mild frustrations. But they add up, the noise and the thoughts and the feelings. And eventually it can add up no more and you feel incredibly angry for no reason, very quickly after which the brain will frantically search for anything to be this angry at. So all you can see, hear, think and feel becomes identified as a source of it. It might be the closest thing to a hatred for living there is.
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obvious customization choices
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My parents and relatives, both on my father's and mother's sides, are all so fucking obnoxious, each in his or her own special fucking way that manages to tick me off whenever we interact.
Overly practical and materialist mother and my grandmother, both of whom have their own unresolved emotional issues, are narcissistic and like to play victim and shittalk people behind their backs to get them to do what they want and control them.
Overly religious, yet hypocritical father, who clings onto the past, who had always been greedy and unwilling to help his many children from many different marriages, but is now overly preaching about family values now that he's old and alone and pennyless after losing all his money trying to keep a failing business afloat.
His sister, who manipulates and controls her own son, to whom she owes pretty much everything she currently has, from her car to her apartment, but who sees all of this as her personal achievements which she uses to fuel her ego and as proof of her boundless competence when she goes on to give life advice which are objectively shit.
I fucking hate their guts. Too bad I won't be able to nuke these two families' genepools off the face of the earth entirely.
Overly practical and materialist mother and my grandmother, both of whom have their own unresolved emotional issues, are narcissistic and like to play victim and shittalk people behind their backs to get them to do what they want and control them.
Overly religious, yet hypocritical father, who clings onto the past, who had always been greedy and unwilling to help his many children from many different marriages, but is now overly preaching about family values now that he's old and alone and pennyless after losing all his money trying to keep a failing business afloat.
His sister, who manipulates and controls her own son, to whom she owes pretty much everything she currently has, from her car to her apartment, but who sees all of this as her personal achievements which she uses to fuel her ego and as proof of her boundless competence when she goes on to give life advice which are objectively shit.
I fucking hate their guts. Too bad I won't be able to nuke these two families' genepools off the face of the earth entirely.
Write a big long paragraph about how other people in my life are dysfunctional and make everything harder. Remember I'm a dysfunctional retard too so whatever, I might be more conscientious and have all my plans destroyed by my family, but I'm a retard too. Just focus on death instead.
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Began wounding myself again recently after about a year or so of not doing it, mostly for the usual set of reasons. That being boredom, self-hatred, and overall desperation for some kind of escape from my own noxious thoughts & anhedonia. I've had spurts of doing it in the past, but usually, after a certain point, I reached a point where I'd seemed to have worked it out of my system, only to start doing it again sometime later. Each new time seems to get successively worse, however. In my case, I've always just done the typical, albeit cliched, form of this sort of thing. That being slashing my arms/legs with a razor, resulting in a few minor to moderate cuts. I just let them bleed and allow the blood to crust over since I'm too lazy to wipe it away or bandage them up. In the end, despite how carried away I can get, they're basically just superficial paper cuts, only leaving the faintest of "scars". There really isn't much lasting harm in it frankly, which itself is both a good thing & a bad thing. On one hand it just allows me to do a bit of somewhat satisfying bloodletting and move on without much fuss, but on the other also makes me feel like a weak faggot who can't even manage to harm myself properly, given how I avoid injuring myself more grievously out of squeamishness/fear, thereby curtailing any sort of advance towards potentially killing myself via these tendencies.
I also wish my parents, mostly my mother, would just mind their own damn business when it comes to this sort of thing. In regards to recently, she eventually happened to take a glance at me and proceeded to blow things out of proportion and make a huge deal out of this, where none should be necessary. It really frustrates me that I can't be left to just do this sort of thing in peace, without hearing a bunch of stupid, self-serving, hypocritical crap from my mother, which, itself, just makes me want to do it even more. After all, we all self-harm in one way or another. Some drink or smoke to excess, gamble their money away, or, in my mother's case, eat copious amounts of junk food and never exercise. Totally destroying her health and profoundly hurting herself in the process. If anything, I'd say what I do is actually LESS harmful. Unfortunately, many people, mostly succubi, have saddled it with lots of attention whorey baggage which, again, I find to be quite frustrating given how annoyingly loaded with irrelevant bullshit it's made doing this sort of thing be. I also think that her seeing me doing to myself makes her feel like a failure of a mother, given badly she thinks she must have preformed as a parent, seeing as how this is what it's come to for me. My brain was malformed from the start however, so, despite what she may feel, it's largely misplaced and, one way or another, this is just it how it was going to be for me no matter what. As a result of all this, I tried biting myself as an alternative, but the bruising that followed turned out to be just as noticeable. At this point, I don't really care how she feels, so whatever. I need to do it, so I will. Despite how squeamish I am, assuming I lived on my own, I'd probably just buy myself a really sharp knife and run it across my chest, before soon leading out from there, until I was basically just one giant scab. I just want the freedom to fall down this particular hole/obsession for as far as it will take me without being disturbed. Is that so much to ask?
Anyway, I'm quite aware of how astoundingly pathetic this all is, but I just don't know what else to do with myself. I exercise regularly & eat healthily, but I'm still miserable and the urge to do it is still there. Drugs hold no interest to me, especially given my adverse reactions to something as mild as marijuana in the past (extreme anxiety & derealization). Point being, that this just feels like all I can do. If that makes me a selfish little bitch on par with the most disgusting of succubi, then so be it. At least it's consistent with how truly pathetic I've always been.
I also wish my parents, mostly my mother, would just mind their own damn business when it comes to this sort of thing. In regards to recently, she eventually happened to take a glance at me and proceeded to blow things out of proportion and make a huge deal out of this, where none should be necessary. It really frustrates me that I can't be left to just do this sort of thing in peace, without hearing a bunch of stupid, self-serving, hypocritical crap from my mother, which, itself, just makes me want to do it even more. After all, we all self-harm in one way or another. Some drink or smoke to excess, gamble their money away, or, in my mother's case, eat copious amounts of junk food and never exercise. Totally destroying her health and profoundly hurting herself in the process. If anything, I'd say what I do is actually LESS harmful. Unfortunately, many people, mostly succubi, have saddled it with lots of attention whorey baggage which, again, I find to be quite frustrating given how annoyingly loaded with irrelevant bullshit it's made doing this sort of thing be. I also think that her seeing me doing to myself makes her feel like a failure of a mother, given badly she thinks she must have preformed as a parent, seeing as how this is what it's come to for me. My brain was malformed from the start however, so, despite what she may feel, it's largely misplaced and, one way or another, this is just it how it was going to be for me no matter what. As a result of all this, I tried biting myself as an alternative, but the bruising that followed turned out to be just as noticeable. At this point, I don't really care how she feels, so whatever. I need to do it, so I will. Despite how squeamish I am, assuming I lived on my own, I'd probably just buy myself a really sharp knife and run it across my chest, before soon leading out from there, until I was basically just one giant scab. I just want the freedom to fall down this particular hole/obsession for as far as it will take me without being disturbed. Is that so much to ask?
Anyway, I'm quite aware of how astoundingly pathetic this all is, but I just don't know what else to do with myself. I exercise regularly & eat healthily, but I'm still miserable and the urge to do it is still there. Drugs hold no interest to me, especially given my adverse reactions to something as mild as marijuana in the past (extreme anxiety & derealization). Point being, that this just feels like all I can do. If that makes me a selfish little bitch on par with the most disgusting of succubi, then so be it. At least it's consistent with how truly pathetic I've always been.
>>203001
I do it too wizzie, but only on my legs, hate when people have to bring it up, no one ever sees my thighs so that's the best spot
I do it too wizzie, but only on my legs, hate when people have to bring it up, no one ever sees my thighs so that's the best spot
stop cutting i used to self harm years ago and still have huge scars on my arm
if you need to self harm us methods that wont leave permnant scars
if you need to self harm us methods that wont leave permnant scars
>>203001
Why do you try to run away from it? Embrace your hunger, your lust, your desire. The universe is ours for the taking! Anyone saying otherwise is a groid, a barely sentient slave sub-species of the homo sapiens. Overgrown monkeys and ratmen, filth, why would you listen to and judge yourself by the standards of worms wriggling around your feet?
And you have no reason to be scared of pain, for it is merely another form of pleasure. Dig deeper and wider, tear the wounds open, feel the painful ecstasy overtake you and comfort your stimulation-depraved mind, for that's all depression is. Your human brain is not sated from indulging in what sates groids, it is malnourished from thirst, and the very things that groids deem disgusting and unsightly are precisely what you need. Cover yourself in the blood of your wounds and relish in that joy and freedom.
Why do you try to run away from it? Embrace your hunger, your lust, your desire. The universe is ours for the taking! Anyone saying otherwise is a groid, a barely sentient slave sub-species of the homo sapiens. Overgrown monkeys and ratmen, filth, why would you listen to and judge yourself by the standards of worms wriggling around your feet?
And you have no reason to be scared of pain, for it is merely another form of pleasure. Dig deeper and wider, tear the wounds open, feel the painful ecstasy overtake you and comfort your stimulation-depraved mind, for that's all depression is. Your human brain is not sated from indulging in what sates groids, it is malnourished from thirst, and the very things that groids deem disgusting and unsightly are precisely what you need. Cover yourself in the blood of your wounds and relish in that joy and freedom.
>>203009
Keep denying yourself the embrace of excess with those petty insults if you so desire, you're the only one who will suffer for it. You're probably depressed and suffering, while I live denying myself nothing and have never known such happiness. Or are the opinions of mortal filth so important to you that you'd bow to them and make your life worse for it?
Keep denying yourself the embrace of excess with those petty insults if you so desire, you're the only one who will suffer for it. You're probably depressed and suffering, while I live denying myself nothing and have never known such happiness. Or are the opinions of mortal filth so important to you that you'd bow to them and make your life worse for it?
World is falling apart and I am too much of poorfag to enjoy last bits of joy in it.
Seems fapping until I tear my dick off is best I can get with my "budget".
Seems fapping until I tear my dick off is best I can get with my "budget".
>>203001
Don't self-harm in any way you doofus. And don't even try to substantiate the reasonability of it all. If it's really necessary, punch your self in the leg or something. Also, consider buying a punching bag and a bunch of sturdy stress relievers.
Don't self-harm in any way you doofus. And don't even try to substantiate the reasonability of it all. If it's really necessary, punch your self in the leg or something. Also, consider buying a punching bag and a bunch of sturdy stress relievers.
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There are days when everything feels out of reach. I feel bare and out for everyone to see, falling down a bottomless well with no walls to see in the darkness, my fingers tightly entwined, I'm pressing my legs against my chest, it's warm, but warmth is slowly fading. At times like these my mind feels full but blank, incoherent thoughts running through and out, until I can't think of anything but crying out to Mother. Abstract, metaphysical Mother, caring, all-forgiving. In repeating her name I repent for things I have and haven't done, hoping to feel her caring touch, to be caressed and cradled, shielded from the outside world forever, forever oscillating, but calm inside, my strength having left me entirely.
I wonder if death feels like this.
I wonder if death feels like this.
Fuck my life, I can't bring myself to do some 5 minute work. I know how to do it, I can do it, but my laziness that goes beyond the usual definition of "laziness" stops me from doing it. I'm considering cutting myself whenever I get distracted to keep me focused on work, I don't see any other solution.
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Most people don't understand how far depression can go in stripping away basic human experience. I'm recovering from depression and regularly passing through the different levels of depression now each day and keeping notes I can tell you never to trust anyone who thinks they have some authority on the matter. Lots of this stuff is inaccurate and the claims they make may not apply to whatever experience of depression you have. I can get in to states now where internal language, therapy techniques, and philosophy actually work and have an affect on my mind, but, I know that some days I wake up in to a biological state where the words just stop working because what the words refer to no longer exists in the conscious experience and only as a memory or a memory of the cause&effect that used to happen but no longer does. Lots of claims and types of therapy are only for a specific type of depression.
Your experience of being a person is unbelievably complicated and it only becomes apparent when you're a broken down machine trying to rebuild it. This week it became clear to me that I had made a million of miles of progress because I could feel moments of "vitality". This feeling of fire in the chest, the will and intention unified with action to do something, to dominate, to shape the world or material world in to a form. The vitality of taking on the world - an emotion that would seem to be one of the most desirable. I experienced it for the first time in my life last year. That is a unique feeling and can be considered part of overcoming or the challenge, that life will hurt but you can overcome it and feel non-suffering doing so. A fire inside you which seeks to crush the world and anything in your path. Unbelievable and inconceivable to those who have never experienced it, and poorly described by these modern shysters who keep calling it "suffering" when you're in a state that is no longer suffering but interacting with a stimulus that you used to consider suffering. It is overcoming hardship and challenge, not suffering. But it is fleeting nonetheless.
And with those flashes of vitality I thought I had become a person but in reality there was still something missing. That vitality was never part of my self or directed by a want or desire. I still didn't want to be alive, I had no desire for something in this world, I had no mental structure of existence as placed, things, and people that draw out some desire in me or want. I was still only here because I didn't want to hurt my family and I was completely empty. I am still a ghost of a person for whom giving up is still a great desire, just doing nothing and letting the body rust away. All of this experience is predicated on this sense of compassion and sparing family which is still part of my will, but, is not some desire or want to be here. Without that I can still feel flashes of vitality, I can still feel willed action I have built up over years, but I am more of a ghost in the world than part of it. If my family died or my compassion for them was worn out then I would just stop moving like I did before. It is the combination of vitality and the desire to be alive which makes a full experience. To know my willed action is entirely reliant on my families existence is needed to accurately understand my mind and work with it. There is nothing in me but this binding to family. You think ah now I occasionally feel this I can start functioning, but, it doesn't continue on from it. You have to understand yourself as only doing this because you want to protect your family from this extreme suffering you can access or at least remember. If anyone stripped me back and demanded me to explain what I was or what I wanted there would be nothing but silence, my anchor is something external and I am empty like a ghost; silence or I'd shriek and disappear in to dust. The vitality or willed action you can fight to create from that intention is not the same as wanting to be alive, or being a human being.
Who would have thought the nuance between vitality and desire to live was so fine, who would have thought you'd have one without the other. Not emptiness as an emotion, not as a feeling, but an observation of yourself as a series of causes and effects. Observing your nature and what is missing and why the outcomes are different. The complexity of the mind is frustrating and I don't think that realization is positive for those with broken brains who must navigate this complexity.
Your experience of being a person is unbelievably complicated and it only becomes apparent when you're a broken down machine trying to rebuild it. This week it became clear to me that I had made a million of miles of progress because I could feel moments of "vitality". This feeling of fire in the chest, the will and intention unified with action to do something, to dominate, to shape the world or material world in to a form. The vitality of taking on the world - an emotion that would seem to be one of the most desirable. I experienced it for the first time in my life last year. That is a unique feeling and can be considered part of overcoming or the challenge, that life will hurt but you can overcome it and feel non-suffering doing so. A fire inside you which seeks to crush the world and anything in your path. Unbelievable and inconceivable to those who have never experienced it, and poorly described by these modern shysters who keep calling it "suffering" when you're in a state that is no longer suffering but interacting with a stimulus that you used to consider suffering. It is overcoming hardship and challenge, not suffering. But it is fleeting nonetheless.
And with those flashes of vitality I thought I had become a person but in reality there was still something missing. That vitality was never part of my self or directed by a want or desire. I still didn't want to be alive, I had no desire for something in this world, I had no mental structure of existence as placed, things, and people that draw out some desire in me or want. I was still only here because I didn't want to hurt my family and I was completely empty. I am still a ghost of a person for whom giving up is still a great desire, just doing nothing and letting the body rust away. All of this experience is predicated on this sense of compassion and sparing family which is still part of my will, but, is not some desire or want to be here. Without that I can still feel flashes of vitality, I can still feel willed action I have built up over years, but I am more of a ghost in the world than part of it. If my family died or my compassion for them was worn out then I would just stop moving like I did before. It is the combination of vitality and the desire to be alive which makes a full experience. To know my willed action is entirely reliant on my families existence is needed to accurately understand my mind and work with it. There is nothing in me but this binding to family. You think ah now I occasionally feel this I can start functioning, but, it doesn't continue on from it. You have to understand yourself as only doing this because you want to protect your family from this extreme suffering you can access or at least remember. If anyone stripped me back and demanded me to explain what I was or what I wanted there would be nothing but silence, my anchor is something external and I am empty like a ghost; silence or I'd shriek and disappear in to dust. The vitality or willed action you can fight to create from that intention is not the same as wanting to be alive, or being a human being.
Who would have thought the nuance between vitality and desire to live was so fine, who would have thought you'd have one without the other. Not emptiness as an emotion, not as a feeling, but an observation of yourself as a series of causes and effects. Observing your nature and what is missing and why the outcomes are different. The complexity of the mind is frustrating and I don't think that realization is positive for those with broken brains who must navigate this complexity.
>>203037
Another thing I'll say is that people who say "just think positive" are giving you an accurate representation of their own mind. They legitimately just have to think positively and it works, for some people they're in a state of mind where positive emotions are available and they just need to move their mind there. They can still experience sadness and a kind of depression but it can just disappear if they want it. I've been experiencing these states and you can't believe how easy it must be for some people who think that depression is just changing your focus or stopping thinking about some negative event that happened to them, or making a judgement. In those moments it really is just an instant thing you can do. Just reword your problem and to have another inflection and your mind changes, just stop creating these negative judgements and you enter a state of pleasantness. The idea that we are all sharing the same experience is bullshit. People have made themselves in to sims where they think everyone just has these 5 emotion bars that go up and down, that we all suffer the same, and I can tell you I'm not suffering like I did in my past and I've got it much easier than old me. I guess people can't accept it because it opens the doors to too many people whining that they have it worse because everything becomes narcissism in norman society but don't believe that we all experience the same world or anything close.
Another thing I'll say is that people who say "just think positive" are giving you an accurate representation of their own mind. They legitimately just have to think positively and it works, for some people they're in a state of mind where positive emotions are available and they just need to move their mind there. They can still experience sadness and a kind of depression but it can just disappear if they want it. I've been experiencing these states and you can't believe how easy it must be for some people who think that depression is just changing your focus or stopping thinking about some negative event that happened to them, or making a judgement. In those moments it really is just an instant thing you can do. Just reword your problem and to have another inflection and your mind changes, just stop creating these negative judgements and you enter a state of pleasantness. The idea that we are all sharing the same experience is bullshit. People have made themselves in to sims where they think everyone just has these 5 emotion bars that go up and down, that we all suffer the same, and I can tell you I'm not suffering like I did in my past and I've got it much easier than old me. I guess people can't accept it because it opens the doors to too many people whining that they have it worse because everything becomes narcissism in norman society but don't believe that we all experience the same world or anything close.
I tried watching tv and stumbled upon the documentary about a japanese succubus artist with asperger and social anxiety. There was a moment where they were talking about her suicidal episodes, like that "silly" one when she tried simply holding her breath to suffocate. Of course it's stupid, but i once did the same thing, and a lot of people probably did, feeling trapped in this hellish existence. I sat there thinking of all this and cried for the first time in years. Everything should just fucking drown in lava.
Do you guys think the internet as a whole is getting worse?
Back in maybe 2008 it still seemed quite a novel thing, exciting and mostly humorous with no real function as a "public square". Now the only thing which seems to get attention is controversial stuff which implicitly demands that you take a side either as someone who cheers on the controversial, divisive opinion / newspiece or someoene who is "outraged" by it. Plus a lot of older people, probably isolated and looking for a social circle, spend a lot of time spamming political stuff every day.
Back in maybe 2008 it still seemed quite a novel thing, exciting and mostly humorous with no real function as a "public square". Now the only thing which seems to get attention is controversial stuff which implicitly demands that you take a side either as someone who cheers on the controversial, divisive opinion / newspiece or someoene who is "outraged" by it. Plus a lot of older people, probably isolated and looking for a social circle, spend a lot of time spamming political stuff every day.
>>203044
I pretty much left all social media. Its nothing but bs "social justice" and whining
I pretty much left all social media. Its nothing but bs "social justice" and whining
>>203045
How about the internet as a whole? I mean Wizchan is a relative backwater compared to the majority of sites, and I guess only thrives due to it being a small community with strict moderation. I just find everything so intense these days, so violent and aggressive.
How about the internet as a whole? I mean Wizchan is a relative backwater compared to the majority of sites, and I guess only thrives due to it being a small community with strict moderation. I just find everything so intense these days, so violent and aggressive.
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>>203048
No, sorry. It aired on NHK World, she had really short hair and glasses, her drawing stile was like this picture.
No, sorry. It aired on NHK World, she had really short hair and glasses, her drawing stile was like this picture.
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>>203005
Agreed. That's also where I do it most of the time.
>>203006
I've already got quite a few faint ones already, so whatever. In the end, it makes zero difference to a hermit like me, since I literally never need to go anywhere. It's been this way for 12 years now.
>>203007
Yeah. It's the sort of thing that really starts to snowball after a while, at least for most anyway, and somewhat so in my case. If it weren't for living my parents, I'd imagine I would've already gone really overboard with it, in a way similar to what you've described. Yes, I could just ignore them, but it'd be more trouble than it's worth and lead to a lot of exhausting melodrama. Plus, like I said before, I'm still a bit of wimp in the sense of truly giving myself some nasty marks. Oh well.
I assume you've been doing this for a while, or are you just speaking generally?
>>203028
Fair enough, but it really doesn't matter either way. Self-harming is just one more useless, fleeting gesture out of many others. I only do it because it brings a minor bit of relief and, certainly, that too will fade in time, as it somewhat has before. I'm also just some stupid, faceless asshole, that may as well be a ghost. I've always known how to needlessly make a mess of things, but, again, it doesn't matter.
>If it's really necessary, punch your self in the leg or something.
I already do that a lot, but it's not the same. Perhaps I could just try biting myself more, but my canines can leave some moderate sores if I bite down too hard, for too long.
>Also, consider buying a punching bag and a bunch of sturdy stress relievers.
I don't have the space for that, not to mention that, similar to the last point, it just wouldn't be the same. Being this drawn to what I do. I guess I really am a faggot, but whatever. What can one do, but bide their time & cope, however badly, until the end comes. That's really all there is to this.
>>203037
I wish I had the wither withal to makes posts like this and actually have something of merit or substance to say about myself, or of just certain ideas or insights I might have, of which I basically have none. I've always thought how nice it would be if I had some artistic or philosophical spark in me who could do something of some ephemeral value, instead of all the cringy, useless shit I do actually do, but I am, and have always been, an empty headed ninny, barely above that of an inert block of wood. Oh well. Better off not saying anything, I suppose.
Agreed. That's also where I do it most of the time.
>>203006
I've already got quite a few faint ones already, so whatever. In the end, it makes zero difference to a hermit like me, since I literally never need to go anywhere. It's been this way for 12 years now.
>>203007
Yeah. It's the sort of thing that really starts to snowball after a while, at least for most anyway, and somewhat so in my case. If it weren't for living my parents, I'd imagine I would've already gone really overboard with it, in a way similar to what you've described. Yes, I could just ignore them, but it'd be more trouble than it's worth and lead to a lot of exhausting melodrama. Plus, like I said before, I'm still a bit of wimp in the sense of truly giving myself some nasty marks. Oh well.
I assume you've been doing this for a while, or are you just speaking generally?
>>203028
Fair enough, but it really doesn't matter either way. Self-harming is just one more useless, fleeting gesture out of many others. I only do it because it brings a minor bit of relief and, certainly, that too will fade in time, as it somewhat has before. I'm also just some stupid, faceless asshole, that may as well be a ghost. I've always known how to needlessly make a mess of things, but, again, it doesn't matter.
>If it's really necessary, punch your self in the leg or something.
I already do that a lot, but it's not the same. Perhaps I could just try biting myself more, but my canines can leave some moderate sores if I bite down too hard, for too long.
>Also, consider buying a punching bag and a bunch of sturdy stress relievers.
I don't have the space for that, not to mention that, similar to the last point, it just wouldn't be the same. Being this drawn to what I do. I guess I really am a faggot, but whatever. What can one do, but bide their time & cope, however badly, until the end comes. That's really all there is to this.
>>203037
I wish I had the wither withal to makes posts like this and actually have something of merit or substance to say about myself, or of just certain ideas or insights I might have, of which I basically have none. I've always thought how nice it would be if I had some artistic or philosophical spark in me who could do something of some ephemeral value, instead of all the cringy, useless shit I do actually do, but I am, and have always been, an empty headed ninny, barely above that of an inert block of wood. Oh well. Better off not saying anything, I suppose.
A normgroid 20something yelled at me from a car, while passing me. All I was doing was walking. This is getting tiring
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>Most jobs pay like shit
>Need a college degree just to get a job with decent pay
>Will likely get into an insane amount of debt if you aren't already well off
>Houses and apartments are expensive as all hell
>Will spend several hours a day for most of the week just to survive
>The small amount of money you save up will be gone in an instant if your body fucks up and you have to go to the hospital
>For every step forward of progress human society takes those in power will find a way to make things worse in other areas
>Most people are a-ok with all of this
>The few that realize how nonsensical this all is get drowned out in dumb platitudes
We produce enough food to feed the entire world, but it's far cheaper to throw away the excess than it is to give it away.
Call me close-minded, but anyone who says life is worth living either hasn't had to face much and is well-off or they're just unaware of how the world operates to grind up the average person so the normalfags on top can profit. If there were an easy way to kill myself I'd have been dead years ago.
>Need a college degree just to get a job with decent pay
>Will likely get into an insane amount of debt if you aren't already well off
>Houses and apartments are expensive as all hell
>Will spend several hours a day for most of the week just to survive
>The small amount of money you save up will be gone in an instant if your body fucks up and you have to go to the hospital
>For every step forward of progress human society takes those in power will find a way to make things worse in other areas
>Most people are a-ok with all of this
>The few that realize how nonsensical this all is get drowned out in dumb platitudes
We produce enough food to feed the entire world, but it's far cheaper to throw away the excess than it is to give it away.
Call me close-minded, but anyone who says life is worth living either hasn't had to face much and is well-off or they're just unaware of how the world operates to grind up the average person so the normalfags on top can profit. If there were an easy way to kill myself I'd have been dead years ago.
>>203061
A degree isn't worth much nowadays. Totally not worth 4 awful years of your life for it.
A degree isn't worth much nowadays. Totally not worth 4 awful years of your life for it.
>>203061
>>203061
Looks like you're almost class conscious enough to be socialist. Yeah, you're right that we already live in post scarcity and no one needs to work 40 hours a week, but we only do so because the means of life are in private control and we are exploited for minority of riches benefit. If you want to change this and embrace radical politics, here is an introduction to the anarchist current of socialism which I follow https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/the-anarchist-faq-editorial-collective-an-anarchist-faq . Marx's kapital has a good explanation of why capitalism is fucking over everyone too, but I'm no marxist and think anarchist methods is the best way to achieve communism.
Although it may already be too late to change anything. The institutions of power the maintain this system have grown so powerful and have indoctrinated so many people that it makes any attempt to change anything seem very bleak and unrealistic, especially since it all may be futile in the end if the world ends because of climate change. But I'd rather die on my feet than live on my knees like all these bootlickers do.
>>203061
Looks like you're almost class conscious enough to be socialist. Yeah, you're right that we already live in post scarcity and no one needs to work 40 hours a week, but we only do so because the means of life are in private control and we are exploited for minority of riches benefit. If you want to change this and embrace radical politics, here is an introduction to the anarchist current of socialism which I follow https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/the-anarchist-faq-editorial-collective-an-anarchist-faq . Marx's kapital has a good explanation of why capitalism is fucking over everyone too, but I'm no marxist and think anarchist methods is the best way to achieve communism.
Although it may already be too late to change anything. The institutions of power the maintain this system have grown so powerful and have indoctrinated so many people that it makes any attempt to change anything seem very bleak and unrealistic, especially since it all may be futile in the end if the world ends because of climate change. But I'd rather die on my feet than live on my knees like all these bootlickers do.
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Just hearing other people's voice makes me so fucking angry sometimes.
>>203076
Same. I generally can't stand other people talking, especially emphatically and emotionally, unless they're talking about something interesting or some knowledge that I want to know.
Same. I generally can't stand other people talking, especially emphatically and emotionally, unless they're talking about something interesting or some knowledge that I want to know.
>>203082
>>203079
That's why I love the internet and interaction through texts. We don't even need to see each other's faces to share our thoughts to each other and feel some sort of connection. And even though I don't love it, I'm thankful for imageboards. I'm glad I'm able to share my feelings and ideas with other humans without ever having to show my face like people do on websites such as Facebook and Instagram.
>>203079
That's why I love the internet and interaction through texts. We don't even need to see each other's faces to share our thoughts to each other and feel some sort of connection. And even though I don't love it, I'm thankful for imageboards. I'm glad I'm able to share my feelings and ideas with other humans without ever having to show my face like people do on websites such as Facebook and Instagram.
>>203069
> If you say Gods exist and coverse with you or that the shadows are infested with dragons and are a secret resource used for fueling magic
But you'll just be saying it. Lying is easy. Beliefs can't be crafted. And while your interpretation can change, you aren't the one that can change it. You didn't end up the way you are by your own design. You fell. And now you stumble like everyone else. You can't see it which is to your benefit, but from over here your life looks like any other.
> If you say Gods exist and coverse with you or that the shadows are infested with dragons and are a secret resource used for fueling magic
But you'll just be saying it. Lying is easy. Beliefs can't be crafted. And while your interpretation can change, you aren't the one that can change it. You didn't end up the way you are by your own design. You fell. And now you stumble like everyone else. You can't see it which is to your benefit, but from over here your life looks like any other.
>>203047
You noticed that too, aye? I just can't keep up with people outside of this board.
You noticed that too, aye? I just can't keep up with people outside of this board.
>>202822
A bit late for you, but I've had about 2 years and in the first few weeks they will most likely try and make you do mindfulness, i.e. "identifying and then eliminating your negative thoughts", and if that doesn't work, then it just is nothing, from then on in my case at least it was "you should go for a walk and take your phone with you" or "why don't you see me as a friend?" and shit like that, or as I like to call it, a waste of time that served no purpose
A bit late for you, but I've had about 2 years and in the first few weeks they will most likely try and make you do mindfulness, i.e. "identifying and then eliminating your negative thoughts", and if that doesn't work, then it just is nothing, from then on in my case at least it was "you should go for a walk and take your phone with you" or "why don't you see me as a friend?" and shit like that, or as I like to call it, a waste of time that served no purpose
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