So much unprocessed trauma I still choose to ignore it though I can't handle being less than others, being picked or being pushed against into fear. People close to me got the anger that I held inside. It's not like I can just get over it. Everytime I think I do new heights remind me it's impossible. Living under low self esteem and degenerating, I am avoidant of my family out of shame, and hide my eyes and face because I don't want people to see the history behind my eyes. I don't think death will take me kindly as I will relive my thoughts for eternity. Even if there was a god that accepts me and loves me unconditionally. I'd still choose to live in sin because who I am Des not reflect what is in my heart, my self hatred is something God can't fix.