/dep/ - Depression

>>287651
First off, if you really believe these things about yourself (which you seem to do), you are a priori setting yourself up for failure in every interaction you have before even having it.

I personally found nothing irritating/repulsive/annoying/obnoxious in your post at all. Let go of thinking these things about yourself, let go of anticipating or assuming to anticipate how others will react to you, and things likely will turn out much better. You carry too strongly the dark mnemonic shadow of all previous social experiences in your mind and these are falsely coloring all new social experiences you are undertaking. I would have suspected nothing of the things you wrote about yourself had you not made mention of them.

And conversely, even if others do feel this way about you (which I doubt), who cares? You really do need to accept yourself for who you are and steel this conception of yourself against any rejection and criticism. Normies (like w*o*m*en) are responsive to brutality, authority, rudeness, and cruelty. If you approach them with kindness and intelligence and maybe even some nervousness, they will immediately feel put off and out of social reflex shun you. This however is not a judgement against your worth, but theirs. Also, what's wrong with Asperger's? While socially it may hinder you, inwardly, privately, intellectually, it makes you super-human.

"Yet if I'm honest, I can't stand listening to 10 seconds of my voice on recording. So I don't have much tolerance for me either." This is exactly your problem – you dislike yourself. Why? Is it really simply because others respond to you poorly? Is that all it took to make you dislike yourself? We aren't kids…wanting every single person to respond positively to you is something children go through, but as wizardly adults we should be manfully far beyond that. You have no reason to feel bad about yourself, and it pains me to think of a fellow wizard being influenced into hating himself by stupid normscum.

You are the perfect person to interact with actual robots.

>>287663
While its true I can't stand to hear audio of myself. When I'm actually talking I think I sound much better than I do. And over a lifetime there have probably been 100s of interactions that I thought went well and friendly. So despite my pic its not that I always went into interactions like an Eeore. Its only in hindsight reflecting over my whole biography that I see this consistency despite all my best optimistic attempts.

>>287651
I love you. Sincerely.

>>287651
I feel the same

>>287663
These kind of posts are rare here

>>287651
I know how you feel. I do not get along with anyone. I rub everyone the wrong way. Even on this site I have been permanently banned multiples times for being too outspoken and abrasive. I am extremely irritating and don’t really fit in even amongst the most deprived losers. I don’t enjoy negative attention and I don’t seek it out but I’m just so weird and obnoxious that I’m accidentally an internet troll.

>>288654
My opinions are perceived by everyone but me as insane. Everything I write looks like a shitpost even if I’m being genuine. Joining any game or forum or form of social media with moderation is basically a countdown until my participation privileges are revoked. I have had my ass beat multiple times growing up because it’s only a matter of time before I say something so egregious that people literally want to murder me. These days I mostly just stay quiet and don’t try to engage in any conversation with anyone in public because I know I’d probably end up unemployed.

>>287651
I feel the same way I've noticed it is my ability not to keep up with people and mind blanks out so I start going auto pilot saying non sense that I think makes sense. I tried to fix it but it just shows this is who I am and I am doomed to not have deep human connection.

>>288654
>>288655
I've posted in forums and worked with people described here. Yeah, they usually weren't liked at all but I actually admired their alternative, admittedly sometimes retarded takes because most people are bots now.

I've been reviewing my life memories again, and the more I think about it the more true it is. And I know it might come across as self-pitying, self-loathing or paranoid. But I think it is objectively how people have treated me. And if anything for decades I had too much self-confidence. I believed there was good and charm in me, and that I just needed to put myself out there. Yet the more peers got to know me the more they disliked me.

The kids in elementary school were so mean. But they were honest and direct. It feels like adults are still just as disgusted by me, but more polite, subtle, indirect about it. I mean I'll take fake civility over honest niceness. But as an aspie its at times deceived me about just how disliked I still am.

Its like I'm a force of repulsive gravity. Even if I'm ignorant or delusional about my own essence. Its like I'm a black hole, and by seeing how all the planets around me react, we can see what I'm. I might think I'm great, but everyone reacts to me as if I'm a repulsive monster.

Delusion and a fantasy world were powerful drugs in getting me through this life. But facing reality head on, I just feel so overwhelmed by how disliked I'm. I want to use a stronger word like hated. But strangers don't care enough about me to hate me. Its like stepping on an ant, it would be a hateful act if intended, but they don't care enough to have intention towards an ant.

>>287651
>not even nerds can't stand to be around
I don't get you. Which features do these types have?

"Affective Presence"

Yes, it's apparently an actual thing.
There are people who either have very positive or very negative unexplainable presences towards others.
You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches.
Though i'd liken wizardly folk to durian or other exotic fruit only appreciated by a comparably select few.
Also, look into the uncanny valley effect that neurodivergents usually give off to neurotypicals.

>>291561
I just don't understand how normies pick up aspieness or neurodivergency within seconds of meeting you.

It has to be a mannerism or set of facial features. Their behavior just turns nasty instantly.

>>290905
>And if anything for decades I had too much self-confidence. I believed there was good and charm in me, and that I just needed to put myself out there. Yet the more peers got to know me the more they disliked me
I used to think that I just need more practice socializing and that I'm just shy in social situations as if it could be fixed any moment, failing to accept my neurodivergence. The worst thing for me was my fathers constant gaslighting, he would always convince me that everything is normal and that im just shy and I would get into bad situations all the time, he also told therapists that im different at home and not 'shy' because I would sperg out and go on schizo ramblings at home and he thought that's proof that im normal at home lol. If I just had one person who actually was interested in me and honest then I could have made progress way earlier because I wasted years trying to fix something that can't be fixed.

>>291568
>Their behavior just turns nasty instantly.
Because they dehumanize you, consciously or subconsciously. You shouldn't waste time at all seeking friendships with neurotypicals unless you come across one who you have genuine chemistry with and is a decent person.

That's not to say spergs can't be cruel, but you're more likely develop something at least with your kin.

>>291568
I can often identify fellow autists instantly by their voice, gait, body language.
Neurotypicals react to it instinctively and interpret it in very strange ways, such as thinking you're intentionally rude, suspicious or disgusting