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/dep/ - Depression

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It's insane how much of my suffering is self-inflicted by my mind.

I had almost a mental breakdown because of a fucking free2play video game I play just to pass the time. I keep playing it because I'm addicted to earning "rewards" even though what use are these rewards if I don't actually enjoy the core game? I am so used to playing it every day like a job I didn't even realize how much time I was wasting. I can spend an entire day playing that dogshit when I have, even if I am not productive, more fulfilling things to do like play well crafted singleplayer video games that are not designed to be addictive, or read a book or watch a movie…

I feel like I have barely any time despite being a NEET because I keep wasting my time like this and also browsing imageboards out of some stupid FOMO even though I know 99.9% of the time it's just shitposts. My brain is so trained to have this nonstop, nonchallenging stimulation that even reading a short article or watching a 10 minute video feels like a big task. I feel ashamed of living like this. Like these people in dystopian stories who just consume connected to some machine. I barely feel like a person because I didn't grow by facing and overcoming challenges and doing stuff by myself because I want to and not because my someone forced me to.

Every time I actually did something it wasn't that bad like I enjoyed exercising and yet I forgot it was an option and feel like all I can do is the same routine of waking up, eating pre-made food, playing the same game, browsing imageboards and then go to sleep. Like even the slightest deviation from this feels almost impossible. I actually felt proud of myself for finally playing a singleplayer game I bought on steam sale 4 years ago… that's just super sad.


>free2play video game I play just to pass the time.
What game?


Magic the Gathering Arena.

The randomness part is what frustrates me even though it's also what allows me to win despite being mediocre at the game.


I reached master rank and quit. It became pay 2 win.


I don't actually get what the problem here. Did you even say what you want inside such a textwall?


he's ashamed of his lifestyle and realizes his life is going nowhere, but doesn't have the motivation/energy/willpower/personality/???/whatever to change and do things. even simple stuff feels difficult to him like playing a singleplayer game without losing focus and scrolling imageboards. he has no concrete goals or purpose, just feels stuck in a life he doesn't want and feels like time is running out and he will waste another decade doing nothing.

idk, classic angsty man of no action that you see venting about their meaningless lives on imageboards and looking for a miracle cure (spoiler: there is none)

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