/dep/ - Depression

This evening (or rather very early in the morning) I had a very (perhaps instructive, it remains to be seen) particular contrasting experience. I was as usual due, to unstability of the mind, fail to accomplish what I set upon myself earlier: that is to simply slept early rather than late. Instead, I once again fell into the same destructive behavior of putting whatever url or search terms despite not actually interested in the subject, for the unfathomable instinct to not sleep but rather do "something".

This cost me sleep time, and when I finally told myself to went to bed, I was unable to drift to the dreamworld despite thinking nothing for the better part of the half-hour. So I woke up, and then I masturbate, something clicked then, but nothing decisive. My mind continue on its chaotic state and I was still unable to sleep. Then I masturbated again an hour later. Everything is calm then, and even so until now.

Suddenly I found myself able to do things that for the last two years I can only dreamt of doing. I can sit with great calm, even my extremites aren't compelled to fidget or vibrate for the sake of movement. Its as if I'm detached from the physical body, and yet silmutaneously, for the first time in months I am in full control of my body and spirit. I can read long passages and paragraphs without feeling nauseatic. I can commit to a task such as writing this thread without diverting my focus elsewhere, nor does my mind have any compelling to do so.

There are few minutes however, when I could feel it in my head and mind that I'm slipping to my previous destructive-unfocused self. That I'm at the verge of losing control. It is terrifying, dreadful. Because I know that at the end, I will slip to that evil state that destroys me so much. This is not the first time that I had this sort of experience, everytime I managed to retain control for perhaps a few hours or even a full day. But something always broke that most graceful state, either interraction with other people or the mere impetus of the physical body, evident by the sudden nausea I that appeared when I was reading the long paragraph I a few moment prior was just comfortable with. Ultimately, the act of drifting to sleep seems to reset this control to the old cursed status quo.

At this very moment nausea is overcoming myself, and my vision felt as if it is oscilating though it doesn't. This I suspect howver, is due to the affect of sleep depriviation rather then whatever curse that had befell me. But I still retain that out of body control over myself, even with the slowing thought and the even worse lethologica than usual.

Throughout my life, never have I abuse drug or consume any for that matter for concerns other than phsyical harm. Yet this happened to me. It is not feasible for me to medicate myself or even properly diagnose myself in the forseeable future. But I think this whole experience reafirm the truth that I already know and hold: that these things are beyond me and I've tried my best. It gives some form of reassurance, and whether I continue to live like this or somehow through a miracle is lifted from this state, I guess I will do my best to live. It isn't my fault after all and I'm relieved from the burden of having think that it is mine.

Forgive me for the rather latter part of this writing that might sound very normiespeak as in a normie that just realize these truths. I am not one of those I can assure you, though to those that just realize these truths, it does not make you any less either for the attainment of this things are a sort of grace, whether you believe in God or not, and it is better for us to treat all matter in humility.

Ah, sorry for digressing. But I've say what I feel I need to say. The threat of sleep is casting its shadow on me, too bad as I was hoping of finishing my CV and job application that I wasn't able to do in months.