/dep/ - Depression

I suffer from this and I don't know why.

My parents didn't really spoil me. I had mediocre grades in school and no one told I was gifted. I even remember that at a young age I read books like "how to become smarter, how to learn creativity, how to talk to people" because I knew I'm worse than others.

I wonder if it's because I didn't have friends and instead escaped into anime and games where the whole focus is on the main character and everything that happens happens for a reason and any challenge is there to be overcome.

But life is not like that obviously. It's clear as day. It would be incredibly arrogant of me to look at all the people who die in war, suffer in 3rd world countries, lie in the hospital and think that somehow I am special and protected from this.

I guess it's because of consciousness making me experience everything in such an intense way but other people are not less conscious.

Maybe it's because years of isolation I lose touch with life and instead of being concerned with worldly issues like going to my job, coming home exhausted and watch tv, isolation and depression makes me look at life from a distance.

Realistically I exist for no reason, consciousness is just what humans evolved to make better decisions and desires exist to motivate me into action. Yet knowing that it's hard to say no to desire. I'm not religious but I can't help but feel like there is more to life even if it can be explained as a coping mechanism for dealing with chaos and your own mortality.