/dep/ - Depression

I'm too stubborn to love myself there is no reason to. No foundation or qualities just a thing that exists. I feel there is a loving hand placed on me begging me to let it in but I can't bring myself to it. Maybe there is something about loving your lower being before accepting the higher being. But not all lower state of beings are equal for everyone. Some are ambitious and driven, others are able to take charge and intimidate. Then there are those who are subhuman. Then what is my higher self if it is not my own desired image. A subhuman who isn't angry? I want more to life than this more to my identity than just being happy, I want a sense of foundation of who I am, accomplishments, a bit of control and charisma or at least intelligent. Like Hitler, or Lenin, Karl marx, Napoleon just anything other than this mundane existence. Could care less about their political stance it's the determination that I admire. It's not the power I want it's the tools that get me the power. Then I would feel content with myself enough to accept this loving hand of grace. It knocks but I can't open. It's not that I refuse to open it it's just so foreign to just let go of a deep desire. This hand shown me how trivial it is but it doesn't mean i am still not satisfied of how I am made. What now?