/dep/ - Depression

Reflections on height
My mother is 4.9, my father is 5.5.
In my school years, because my mother worked as a cleaner in a factory for 12 grand (RUB*) a month and my father worked in the same factory as an electrician for 15 grand, I had a disgusting diet and a closed way of life - I was forbidden to leave the house. I grew very slowly while my boy classmates in 13-14 years old were 5.2-6.2, succubi were 4.9-5.7. I was 4.7 in 9th grade at 15 (since I went to school at 6 (while the whole class was 7-8). I was hated for my height and for the fact that I was not a calm tolerant I was a hyperactive child with the character of an alpha kid most of the bullying was psychological mostly I was bullied by classmates and teachers who were also female. The bullying could be expressed in the following teachers constantly put me as a bad example or as an example of a stupid child because I was the youngest and smallest, they looked down on me while my classmates allowed themselves to communicate with them as equals and challenge their decisions my attempts to build a constructive dialog ended with remarks and F's in the diary. I could be forced to do class work because it seemed to them that I was the easiest to force and so they reflexively emphasized me. To wring out a rag, to wipe the blackboard, to put me at the first desk in every lesson, to call me to the blackboard every lesson, to take away my backpack for not having time to put my textbooks away before the lesson started, constant teasing trying to shove me into some ugly role in some ugly play for example I played a rooster in the New Year's play because I was threatened to get a D for the quarter after which my classmates and teachers laughed at me almost immediately after that I was tricked into the role of an eagle on teacher's day where I was scripted to peck Hercules' liver while I was pecking the liver on stage. From the outside it looked like an act of sodomy and about 100 people were looking at me, including teachers and students, laughing loudly at me and shouting "peck, peck" I still do not understand how and why in their heads these people had such a desire to mock me. In addition to this I suffered from overweight, acne, stuttering and social maladjustment. No one was involved in my physical fitness, so I never knew how to do pull-ups and push-ups, which in turn caused ridicule from others. Classmates never paid attention to my advances they every day laughed at my height and my appearance never let me write off did not discount me homework in a general conversation chat when there were even a class leader was, my classmate under the silent approval of others banned me. Every day other classmates were picking on me, and my school supplies were often thrown in the trash or out the window. My pencil case and briefcase played soccer and I was systematically beaten. a classmate was sitting two meters away from the teacher. Apparently her whore mother died and that's why she was in a bad mood and wanted to sit alone, but some midget with his briefcase decided to sit at the same desk. and insulted me without explanation and then another classmate of mine who was 6,2 tall grabbed me and threw me out of my desk and I was very angry and I hit him in the solar plexus with my fist and he hit me in the face with his fist and I fell down and got up and sat back down and that succubus finally left and I saw the Russian language teacher looking at it and smiling right after that lesson at recess I was pushed and hit against the wall by another classmate at that moment the teacher came out of the room and smilingly said to him why are you making fun of him all the time, let him go already in response to that he smilingly said okay. I feel bad about human duplicity and cruelty and how much succubuses hate me and how cruel the world can be just because you're a freak I hate myself and all the people around me I feel bad about the lack of humanity in people I could rant on and on about height and money and all the other bullshit you'll be forgiven for but I think even the last motherfucker realizes all this without my examples. I used to be a very kind and empathic person but now I realize that I'm a misanthrope I don't feel any emotions except endless longing and hatred for the people around me every day I think about how I want to hurt them I go out on the street I look at these faces and I don't see a single drop of human soul in them for me they are just an empty shell behind which Satan hides with all the possible vapors that can be. Why did people invent those mortal sins and no others? Because they are peculiar to everyone and that's why at one point someone wanted to get rid of competitors liars, fornicators, gluttonous and so on. Every day I fall asleep replaying dozens of scenarios of my life and dozens of disgusting memories I think I am the most pathetic version of myself. Don't think I'm not feeling sorry for myself, throw more rocks at me, because I'm dropping them so I can take them out of my pockets and start throwing them back at you. I hate everybody and I hate myself the most.