No.293220
>why cant picrel be real?
I really fucking hate learning how computers work. I fucking hate it.
Ever since I started this fucking degree 3 years ago its been nothing but a perpetual torture. I think I say enough when I say shit like Calculus or Lineal Algebra was 100 times more enjoyable for me than anything related to computer science. I gotta be honest though: I m a lazy piece of shit, but I m the kind of lazy piece of shit who studies solely so I dont have to be at the end of the fucking semester doing a fucking "final exam", in order to prove that I m able to pass the course, because that means I gotta learn all the semester's subjects just so I can pass that stupid fucking piece of shit of an exam.
I hate studying. I hate learning. I hate the smugness, shit teaching and the attitude most teachers have and I hate the happiness and eagerness of the people surrounding me. I hate the idea of working and having to wake up every morning so I can keep my sorry ass alive.
I m aware that being a NEET is a dead-end road, specially when you are not on welfare, but I cant stop feeling like a sack of shit every god damn day of my life because of this. I know what has to be done and what I have to do if I dont do it.
I have nothing to look forward to in my life. The sole reason I havent killed myself is because I know my parents would probably die because of that (already have 1 deceased sibling, and the other one aint doing to well in life), and also because I cant bring myself to do it. It terrifies me. I have no access to guns, so the only way would be to jump off a building, but regardless of it, the idea of death, or the idea of "pain of death", is the thing that bugs me the most. I dont want to suffer the ultimate pain that may last minutes! Even if they are just a few seconds, I bet the pain will feel like an eternity, not to mention the fear I will experience during the fall.
Yet I m sick of this shit. I m stuck here. Why the fuck am I subject to all of this? Why the fuck was I brought to this world? Why cant I have the drive or ambition that those maggots sons of bitches of my peers have? Why must I be such an unhappy piece of shit?
Of course, I know many of the answers to those questions, but still. It doesnt deprive me from wanting to create a hole through my wall from the mere anger of having to deal with this bullshit. Why cant I just be left alone in my room? What place in the world exists, besides living under a bridge, for good-for-nothing lazy scum like me?
No.293243
>>293220>Why cant I have the drive or ambition that those maggots sons of bitches of my peers have? Competitivity spreads its tendrils into all directions, so the successful students are the blandest automatons who play MMO life with the main drive of amping up efficiency to the detriment of sheer innocent enjoyment. Eventually it boils down to overtaking others rather than overcoming yourself, thus losing yourself in the process.
Excuse me for self inserting but as someone from developing country who grew up shaped by a system that was democratic only in name (barely came out of communism) but took no prisoners and had a covert policy of covertly mandated suicide (the high rates owe to externally enforced self exclusion) it's natural to say I had enough of existing in the environment of disdain and ended up in looney watchlist and on pills for picking up new age bullshittery and acting out on it in a pathetic attempt to make amends and repent for being a STEM drone paraded by boomer teachers speaking pompously to cover up what is in fact a cock measuring contest between schools or cities.
It was supposed to get better with the advancement of technology but newsflash, evil elites train their deeply specialized hylics into pitting mortals against each other creating a mock competition in pursuit of false grand ideals. It's just a front for the scratchcard but there's no prize, just the ugly truth rearing its head.
Sucks getting to your mid 20s and waking up to a state of severe arrested development mixed with psychosis because you're only good at solving math, physics and programming problems and vidya to blow off steam. Everybody has to make ends meet somehow.
No.293245
>>293243>Sucks getting to your mid 20s and waking up to a state of severe arrested development mixed with psychosis because you're only good at solving math, physics and programming problems and vidya to blow off steam. Everybody has to make ends meet somehow.Well I cant do either of that.
My main problem is that I m too fucking lazy. I m in fear of my future. I think the only way out for someone who has no drive or purpose in this earth is death. I have to die. I have to cease to exist before its too late and the weight of the consequences becomes to unbearable for me to face.
No.293271
>>293220>I hate studying. I hate learning. I hate the smugness, shit teaching and the attitude most teachers have and I hate the happiness and eagerness of the people surrounding me.I feel the same way. The entire education system is unbearable and I feel like I'm going insanse when I see how everyone is so eager to impress some boomer teacher.
No.293285
>>293271I just hope one day they pay for their sins. I want to see them suffer. I want to see them pay for what they ve done. They think because they have a degree and power over a bunch of debtors, they suddenly have some sort of high moral ground to be an overall piece of shit?
I hope they suffer.
I hope their kids suffer.
I hope their families fall apart and they stay with their deadend teacher job, until one day they grow old and have shit for retirement.
No.293288
>>293245I came to the same conclusion. At the moment I'm desperately hanging onto life through loans I never intend to repay ($40k).
Once those run out, I literally have to KMS. I do get neetbucks which slows down the bleeding of cash.
I estimate I have around 5-7 years before I'm forced to commit suicide because I wont be able to afford food and accommodation and nobody will hire me.
So I'm trying to enjoy my last years on Earth.
No.293290
>>293288>I came to the same conclusion. At the moment I'm desperately hanging onto life through loans I never intend to repay ($40k).So this is the world we came to huh? Those who are left behind and have nothing to live get forced to slave themselves away for the green.
I hate my mother for bringing me to life.
Since I m too much of a pussy to kms, I m thinking of probably going to the slums one day and pay a thug to do it for me.
No.293291
>>293290They would most likely scam you by taking the money and running away instead of killing you.
To actually get a thug to do it you'd need to motivate them through a killswitch. Inject an eSIM enabled microchip into your heart that sends live pulse data to your home server.
The bitcoin payment is only released when your pulse drops to zero for over 10 minutes.
They'd have to either rip out your heart or kill you to get the money and both would lead to death.
It's pointless trying to get someone to kill you for cash without introducing a foolproof killswitch.
The only people who will kill for cash are severe amoral psychopaths and they will scam you 100% of the time unless the only way to get the cash is really by killing you, in which case thet will reluctantly do it.
No.293294
>>293220>Why cant I have the drive or ambition that those maggots sons of bitches of my peers have?Do you want to be a computer scientist or are you just learning out of necessity? Lotta these dudes are probably into the subject because they genuinely like it
No.293295
>>293291>They would most likely scam you by taking the money and running away instead of killing you.Yeah… I bet no one wants to even deal with the idea of a potential murder charge, even thugs
>To actually get a thug to do it you'd need to motivate them through a killswitch. Inject an eSIM enabled microchip into your heart that sends live pulse data to your home server.The bitcoin payment is only released when your pulse drops to zero for over 10 minutes.
Lol
Suicide by cop then it is
No.293296
>>293294Nah, I dont give a fuck about computers. I was forced to pick something. I didnt like anything. Thought among all the shit that I didnt like this was gonna be less of a nuisance.
Guess I was wrong.
Like I said in my post, I dont want to do nothing with my life. I just want to be left the fuck alone or die so I dont have to face the weight of my consequences, that will be coming soon .
No.293297
>>293220Alright, wizzie.
I stumbled on this thread from Lainchan and I totally relate. I'm also a CS student and I fuarrrking hate college. A few months back, I realized what's really messed up about our education system-it's basically a scam.
"Education should aim at destroying free will so that after pupils are thus schooled they will be incapable throughout the rest of their lives of thinking or acting otherwise than as their school masters would have wished." -Johann Gottlieb Fichte
We're just trained to memorize stuff, making us just smart enough for labor but too dumb to think for ourselves.
I understand how confusing it is with all the complex NAND gates, microprocessor parts, and definitions like "a thing is X if Y condition is satisfied." But I believe any kind of science can be fun, like how Veritasium and 3Blue1Brown make it. We need to make learning fun INTRINSICALLY (stop caring so much about grades).
I made a vid about this if you want to check it out:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=932m08p4oKEI used to either watch videos or read easy-to-understand books about the topics I'd be taught in class. I totally ignored the teacher and everyone else. Later, when I already knew the lesson being taught, I'd get this weird euphoria. But I'd still read their lesson summaries to do the exams the way THEY wanted. There's just no room for unconventional thinking.
I actually find no passion in the professional world. People just follow what interests them and work for companies they don't care about to get a paycheck, ending up miserable doing the same thing over and over. Maybe some get a high-paying job to save for retirement quickly, but I wanted to carve my own path. (Check out UNSCRIPTED by MJ DeMarco, it unironically changed my view on life).
No.293298
>>293297>I stumbled on this thread from Lainchan and I totally relate. I'm also a CS student and I fuarrrking hate college. A few months back, I realized what's really messed up about our education system-it's basically a scam.Wait, who the fuck posted my thread on lainchan? Why lol
>But I believe any kind of science can be fun, like how Veritasium and 3Blue1Brown make it. We need to make learning fun INTRINSICALLY (stop caring so much about grades).I think that if I were able (some sort of legal pardon or whatever) to skin alive these teachers, in the case where they behave like absolute arrogant assholes, I d be able to bear more the whole college experience. Everyday I pray for them to get into some sort of car accident and die a painful death.
Whether it is for business (college makes more money if more students repeat courses, because they have to pay for another year or semester), mere arrogance, psychopathy, or resentment because of their student years. I dont give fuck which reason is. I pray for their day of reckoning.
Secondly, I find computers to be extremely complicated and not fun to understand. And it doesnt make it any better when there are people around me who are mr fucking happy wonderer all day, enjoying how fucking sand talks to each other. Personally I dont give a fuck. Why should I give a fuck how memory from the Ice Age fucking worked? Why should I have to be put through the miserable and torturous ordeal of having to learn a programming language in a week, just because my client wants the thing to be done with that specific language? Why the fuck should I feel pleased at looking to a bunch of fucking letters and boogers on a black fucking screen?
>keep in mind, I m not mad at you. I m mad at myself and my current predicamentI DONT GIVE A FUCK
I DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ANY OF THIS
I FUCKING
HATE
LEARNING
At this point I know what I have to do. I need to die. Soon. Otherwise, I ll have to pay a toll for all the wrong that I ve done. Once I the roof over my head, its game over for me.
There is nothing in this earth (of productive value) that you can offer me to learn or do for a living. I cant. I simply cant.
I frustrates me to know this as much as it frustrates me to learn/work anything at all.
Some people arent meant to exist, and I guess I m one of those people.
No.293299
>>293298>Once I lose the roof over my headfixed
No.293300
>>293298You claim to hate learning, and yet you yearn to learn who linked your thread on Malechan. Curious!
No.293307
>>293298>I need to die. Soon.I feel so sorry you feel this way, anon. I just wanted to share my own experience as we are in pretty similar spots, but I can't pretend to know exactly what's happening to you.
Listen, wizzie. You don't really want to die; you want to end the part of you that hurts. Killing yourself is like giving up to those normalfags or something.
*gently hugs* I know you might be feeling stuck, but there is a way out. You probably need some time of silence to figure out what to do to deal with this pain, even if it takes you some time to reach it.
>Wait, who the fuck posted my thread on lainchan? Why lolI mean I'm a newfag here coming from Lainchan ;3
>Everyday I pray for them to get into some sort of car accident and die a painful death.I get that you’re angry, and that anger can be consuming. But as I said, you have to stop depending too much on teachers to learn new things and teach yourself from other sources online that simplify subjects. Maybe you can even build a simple computer from scratch (NAND to Tetris PDF book) in your spare time. I know it pisses you off to learn JK flip-flops and what tf do they do, but I guess things will be different if you take control of your learning.
The truth is, really a lot of these subjects are almost "useless" for today's jobs but they teach them anyway to give you a "broad foundation." (which is sorta true IMHO)
I felt like crying when I read your reply. I truly wish you get through all of this. *hugs you again*
No.293314
>>293307>The truth is, really a lot of these subjects are almost "useless" for today's jobs but they teach them anyway to give you a "broad foundation." (which is sorta true IMHO)What part of I dont give a fuck about sand talking to sand you didnt get?
No.293343
You prefer math… So switch to math.
Go to grad school if you're any good or become an actuary.
No.293351
Computers are gay, those who learn about computers are gay, and it leads people to depression and want to commit suicide. That is why we must study careers that really satisfy the needs not only of society, but of individuals, where they can create, produce, and fix real and tangible things, such as houses, buildings, bridges, crop fields, tractors, cars, power plants, among others, and not just sitting at a computer like a monkey, typing stupid things for a computer to run.
Finish your gay career, maybe you will discover that you love men, and that internalized homophobia is only temporary, or if this is not the case, you will have a wild card in life with a well-paid career that will make you unhappy, but that will allow you to have money , money that will allow you to learn real engineering.
No.293352
>>293297Your voice is unpleasant, or at least not pleasant enough for YouTube videos. You could use a synthesizer that improves your voice, and publish your videos on normal social networks like Tiktok, Instagram, or the same YouTube short that will help you gain followers. Also by using a synthesizer you could dub the videos with AI into other languages, such as Spanish, Portuguese, French, etc., and thus have a broader audience.
Your channel has potential, keep it up my friend.
No.293354
>>293288This is exactly what I've been thinking and I mentioned it on another thread.
I can get a non secured loan for quite a bit of money from the comfort of my bank's app, I was thinking that if worse comes to worse I can just spend the last 3 months of my life in a nice place like japan and then just kms. Being in massive debt would be actually a good motivation to end it all.
No.294457
Rote memorization study about shit you don't care about has always been torture for most non-autists. All those preppy smug people who gush excitedly in class are on their own chat spaces online venting about how they hate study. Asians are better than everyone else in that they recognize study is a shit garbage chore but just do it without the kayfabe.
>Why cant I have the drive or ambition that those maggots sons of bitches of my peers have?
Because you're not as status obsessed as they are. They're mostly playing a game of pretend, they don't give a shit about computers, they give a shit about money. You really think these cunts would be studying CS back in the 80s when it was some obscure joke of a subject for nerds that listen to black metal? If it was sewing that makes money, every one would be telling exciting stories about how their grandma inspired them to take up the field.
The truth is that the actual in depth learning that produces top tier genius any the field isn't any more work, it's often 3-5 hours a day. It's just inspired, passionate and for the most part self directed study that brings them there.
No.294459
>>293220Then build a program to sort your loli pictures or something. If it were a few years ago and I were someone who'd give a shit about you I'd tell you to just study it anyway since it's the best field for autists, but right now the job market is hell and we might get replaced by AI within a few years anyway so I can't really recommend it.
No.294461
>>293220This exactly how it looks someone with emotional authority going against it because "it seems to be no other way".
But following strategy and authority requires an attitude of faith, even if you get to chat with others similar to you in this sense. Give this some time, watch what I am talking about:
https://www.thesimply.ca/blog/human-design-basics No.294464
>>293220Not my point. My stats aren't good, I have the developer equivalent of a dead end enterprise job and my brain is slow. My IQ is alright and above average but being slow makes me bad at coding challenges, and being an autist makes me bad at coding interviews. I'm butthurt about that rather than AI, since it doesn't really have an impact yet. Anyway no I don't give a shit about you, but that doesn't mean you can't write a loli sorting app
No.294465
>>294464I'm a structured alcoholic, meant
>>294463 No.294466
>>294464and I also meant to say that being an autist makes me bad at normal interviews, coding interviews and autism aren't counterproductive
No.296258
I swear this post could've been written by me. I have to study as I live in a third world country. I hate doing it. But I do it all the time. I struggle at remembering, no matter what I study, I end up failing in my exams. I literally have panic attacks and there were times when I literally passed out thinking about my future exams. It scares me so much. I wish there was another way to earn money except studying. I hate it.
No.296259
>>296258you can't make good money without skills. I have none
No.296266
>>296262>>296260I hate modern 'mental illness' labeling, but that might be what is called ADHD. Nasty shit.
No.296268
>>296266adhd must be linked to low iq and low iq and stimulation from tv pc video games internet social network and so on, that makes low iq adhd drop school and stay at home doing nothing but scrolling
No.296274
What are your thoughts on using drugs to make boring learning tasks fun and rewarding?
Amphetamines (adderall, meth etc) or methylphenidate (Ritalin) cause the levels of dopamine in your brain to rise while you're on them. Dopamine is associated with reward and anticipatory excitement. In taking them, you can force your brain to make boring tasks feel easy, fun and exciting. Studying, cleaning, doing chores etc all become easy and rewarding.
Millions of students, successful professionals and rich people are reaping the benefits of these drugs every day under the guise of an ADHD diagnosis (a made up 'disease' used to justify stimulant prescription). If other students are using them, why shouldn't you? Why should you be forced to grind with a brain that won't release a crumb of dopamine because you've had burnt out receptors due to imageboard addiction from the age of 12?
I dropped out of university twice and haven't been back since but if I ever do go back then I can tell you for sure I will be abusing stimulants to study. Life isn't fair, the world isn't just. Other people will gladly use these drugs to get ahead and they won't feel a shred of guilt for having reaped the advantages they confered them over you.
The disclaimer is that self-medication on these drugs is a slippery slope (heck, even being prescribed them by a doctor is slippery) because they do feel very good and you have to resist the urge to use them for anything other than productivity i.e taking higher doses and masturbating to porn for 12+ hours. There is also the risk of stimulant psychosis. But it's whether you're willing to take those risks for the chance of the rewards on the other side.
Personally I'd rather risk it for the chance of getting a degree, a well-paying career and all that than being stuck in the mire of procrastination, paralysis and inactivity. There are no prizes for making it through a degree unmedicated versus the kid whose rich parents paid to get him diagnosed with the made-up disease ADHD.
No.296279
>>296274Yeah ill risk tardis just to be "productive"
No.296299
>>296274What? Meds fry your brain much faster than imageboards. Even Big Pharma admits that they can cause brain damage.
No.296332
>>296274I don't know man, just wish me luck and hope that I will be seated in the back of the classroom so that I can cheat using the bits of papers that I am going to take with me. If I can't cheat I'll fail my exam there's no other way.
No.296333
>>296274The long term damage and dependency probably isn't worth it.