/dep/ - Depression

>>300064
>Did you imagine you would end up like this as a kid?
actually yes I ended up exactly how I imagined I would end up. already as a kid I knew I'm never gonna fit into society and have to live on the outskirts of it.
>What happened with that happy child?
I was never a happy child to begin with, going to school with normalfags ruined my childhood.
>Where are those childhood friends now?
I never had any to begin with and its been so long ago I dont even remember the names of my former classmates.
>Where are those memories, those places, those moments…?
what memories? I only ever experienced shit, seen shitty places and lived through shitty moments.
>Everything keeps getting worse.
it was always bad and things getting worse is for me the standard.

>>300065
I'm sorry you had to endure so much suffering since a tender age, I wish I could go back in time and befriend you. I'm sure we would have been good friends. I wish you the best in life.

>>300064
>What happened with that happy child?

He's still there, in the worn down body of a man who turned of age around a decade ago. The bullying turned to silent judgment, but he's still working on not caring about the scowling looks thrown at him.

>I barely exist in the meatspace. I'm a ghost, a shell of my former self. Nothing feels real or right. Everything keeps getting worse.

Same, but I'm fine that way. I like learning new things (video games, sports, instruments, cooking new meals), perfecting what I already know. I don't see it as self improvement because I couldn't care less about what springs normalfags into action (spite, envy). I'm on my way to becoming an impoverished hoarder once my parents pass away.

I could daydream for longer periods of time as a teen, that's what I miss the most. However, there has always been a thin shroud of sadness veiling everything.

I wasn't really thinking about my future until the age of ~8. Then I began seeing the differences between me and my peers at school, and I realized there must be something wrong with me because the other kids have friends and are having fun, while I was confused about everything. Conflicting information, couldn't tell what was true, and what were lies, couldn't tell who was genuinely kind to me, and who was having me on. At that age I also started overeating, I guess as a way of coping, and a way to get some pleasure, since there weren't even any kids my age in my neighborhood, so I had no one to play with. A few years passed and I was obese. Then I really started hating myself, and was sure nothing good would become of me. I would occasionally try to improooooove my life by taking on challenges at school, like aiming for better grades or participating in some additional activities. Nothing really worked. So here I am, worthless, useless and pathetic. Same as it ever was.

I don't like remembering my past because there is almost nothing good there. Only moments of cringe and embarrassment. The happy child became miserable when he started going to school.

As a kid I was amazed by adults and all the things they could accomplish and I thought I would somehow naturally grow into it but it never happened. Nothing feels effortless. I have no confidence in anything which is why I am alone and a NEET. I can't imagine being capable of producing value someone would pay for. I can't imagine anyone wanting to spend time with me. I am constantly anxious. I thought maybe antideprassants will change something but nope.

>>300064
>Did you imagine you would end up like this as a kid?
I don't think I ever thought seriously about the future. I just assumed everything would work out okay.
I'm well aware that tragedy happens naturally, while good times only come from effort. I've just never put much effort into anything so here I am.
It's my fault, but will I change? Nope.

>>300064
I certainly did not think I would end up this way. My childhood/teens was far from peaceful or perfect but I am still grateful for the nice moments I had playing games with friends (like pic rel), imagining some fairy tale future where I live happily in Japan or discovering some new anime or game. Around 13-14 I realized that I was falling behind socially, a lot of my friends from before started to pine for the attention of succubi, going out to party and drink and such in order to fit in. That's when I truly started to feel apart from people as I was unwilling to give up myself for a semblance of social acceptance. But I think even that younger version of me thought that I would find my place somewhere, eventually. That I would find a career, a gee-eff, move out and have my own place etc. Becoming a wizard was something I would often joke about back then in a self deprecating kind of way. Now, over a decade later, I'm inching closer to it with every day. I have failed university, though not for lack of trying. I have given up on my future prospects. I know in my bones that I will stay in my mom's house until I die. I'm trying to be thankful for the life I have, since it's far from unbearable, at least materially. But I would be lying if I said that there wasn't still a longing for more. For the life I was promised from a young age. Or at least the kind of joy I was able to experience all those years ago. I suppose resignation will become acceptance with enough time passing by.

I sort of imagined i'd get fixed into being a normal person once I was older. I still essentially carry the same issues and fears as I did when I was a child, I only have experience on how to deal with them now. I have not conquered the fundamental issues. I don't really mind though, I'm not going to try any more to break what my DNA is. The only other thing I imaged was being relatively rich. That's funny as I am barely getting by and retirement surely isn't an option. Once i'm 65+ or unable to work I guess I'll be left to rot on the streets without any safety net. Scary to think about, it's even scarier to think how much worse it'll probably be than what I imagine in my head

>>300064
>Did you imagine you would end up like this as a kid?
Yeah, pretty much. The jokes about me having a robot girlfriend (much like the Detergent track) started when I was about 12, so it's no one's surprise.
>What happened with that happy child?
I'm probably a bit happier than I was as a child
>Where are those childhood friends now?
I didn't have any past age 9
>Where are those memories, those places, those moments?
I'm still reliving them in this office chair I've conducted my life in.
>I'm so broken right now.
Sorry to hear that
>I barely exist in the meatspace.
Same. I roll with it because it was effectively a conscious deciscion on my part to live like this.
>Nothing feels real or right. Everything keeps getting worse.
Well enjoy things as they are knowing that it's just going to get worse