/dep/ - Depression

there are no adults.
we are on our own.

i wish peace upon you and your parents.

i would suggest that if you do stay with your parents, you do not engage with any addictive outlets. keep your mind sharp and present.
read books that you feel could help you in your situation. try to stay away from electronics. go outside daily if possible.

any attempt to escape the environment through mind numbing activities, will keep you suffering.

Good luck anon.
I'd say just try to keep visits short. She will probably not have energy for longer visits anyway.

Day #3

Things are starting to go downhill. Mother could be worse than initially expected. The few interactions we've had have been tense. And yesterday I realized I wasn't valued at my job. I'm possibly getting a 2% salary increase despite scope of responsibilities and good performance. Today boss scolded me for a minor mistake, not seeing everything I've done the last few days, I've stayed working from 8AM til 12AM. His team, which I sometimes have to babysit, do major fuckups and every single time he reacts uninterested.

I'm longing for my own painless death, again. I had beaten this for a couple of years. I feel very hurt. I cared about my job and I'm not even valued there. I want to cry but I can't, I forgot how to. My psychiatrist ignores my chats. I used to cry a lot when I was younger, most days. And my mother is going to die, not giving a fuck about the abuse I've sustained. Father is there, I rarely speak to him, I despise him too. I feel very depressed. All I have in life is the comfort of drugs. I will end up relapsing to opioids, benzos and liquor. This could be my last ride. I feel so tired of living. Being around others is so painful, things only get worse year after year. I just want to be left alone. I want to cry so hard but I can't.

>>300541
on the crying part: you require present moment awareness for this to happen. very important.

try this: go somewhere where you're alone and no one bothers you.
you should be sober and not distracted by electronics.
sit down and relax.
pay attention to your breathing.
whisper to yourself about anything you want to vent or talk about, but while doing so, take note of sensual input. your hearing, the thing you're looking at, the sensation of pressure while you sit.
the way it feels to whisper.

this shuts out a mechanism in you that tries to avoid pain.
you'll feel emotions. you need to relax into them, breathe out and relax as you feel them.
then continue.

Day #8

Things have deteroriated quickly. I no longer like my job. I'm considerably more paranoid and depressed than usual. People frighten me. I'm constantly mumbling gibberish to myself. I can feel my mind slipping away. Mother is likely to be worse than expected, receiving results soon. I no longer feel cannabis. I might be forced to move back to opioids, benzos and liquor very soon.

I value sleeping a lot so I'm not awake. I had beaten suicide for a couple of years, but I'm burdened by it again. Life is too painful, only death will free me. Killing myself is hard to process.

>>300649
don't kill yourself

>>300649
instead of taking drugs, consider going for long walks daily.
it will have a regulatory effect on your emotional state.
be sober.

for walks, bring water to drink.

try going into nature, where trees are.
the movements of the trees and leaves stimulate the eyes and make you calmer.

>>300649
wiz, the bitch will die soon

>>300654
I know wiz. What disturbs me more is that she's the only person in the world that inconditionally shows some love and affection to me. The few humanity left in me dies with her. What do you think will be left of me fellow wiz?

>>300670
(not him) humanity is always attainable. attaining it also frees you of suffering.
your mother experienced it when she expressed her love for you, caring for you, selflessly.

selflessly is the key word.
your mother tried to make you happy, with no regard of what she may get in return.
with no regard for her ego.

we must leave this world without killing ourselves.
the way to do this, is to let suffering in, so that it can burn our ego up.
this requires that we are sober, away from electronics, with ourselves, with unensnared senses.

leave behind an empty vessel that is deeply connected with the world.
there is no loneliness when this happens.

let's stop swimming alone in this world. let us drift with the swarm of other fishes.

How's your mother doing, OP? And how are you doing?

I'll pray for your mother's health and recovery, for her soul and that you have the strength to endure whatever may happen.

OP here. Wow, this was around 40 days ago. I got fired for asking for a better salary. I relapsed but I'm quitting tomorrow. I've relapsed but not every single day, most days though. I'm trying not to make things worse. Mom's cancer is better than expected right now, the future is uncertain. She already had her surgery. I was/am deeply hurt by my employer's response, I was a good and dedicated worker. I brought in results, I always met deadlines, in advance more than half the time.

I've been very depressed and more suicidal than usual. But I've always beaten despair, I've stoop up from being down again and again. I'm a survivor. I'm resilient. I'm like a phoenix. I won't give up. I regret my short relapse though.

>>301420
hope youll find another job to help mom!

I'm not gonna pretend to be someone experienced with that a lot. I would say just do what you think seems right. It's probably worth spending some time with family member if their time is limited but don't force yourself too hard. Try to make peace where you can.

>>300437
You have my sympathies. While my own situation is far from as bad as yours, my father is an alcoholic who I'm pretty estranged to at this point. I still talk to him weekly and sometimes visit him or help him mow his lawn because he is disabled. We get along well enough generally but I don't really feel much of an attachment to him. I guess it's just a faint sadness that he keeps deteriorating physically. Sometimes I wonder how I would react if he were to become terminally ill or something like that. I guess what makes me stay in contact with him is a sort of sense of responsibility as his son and because I would probably feel worse if I just let him rot because he is fairly socially isolated otherwise. Which is to say - do whatever you can best live with. You are likely to feel guilt either way, doomed if you do, doomed if you don't. So your best shot is to take the course that will minimize your own guilt. Best of luck.

>>301420
>OP here. Wow, this was around 40 days ago. I got fired for asking for a better salary. I relapsed but I'm quitting tomorrow

eh?

Relapsed..
ah. I get it.