/dep/ - Depression

Some people here know me and call me a troll not even knowing 5% of negative things about my life. If you think your life sucks, i will show you briefly that there is no limit to human misery, as this is my current situation, long story nobody will bother reading but i don't know how to tldr it.
Im addicted and take 30mg Xanax daily, when the maximum dose is 4mg, that means i would need to spend around $2500-3000 just on drugs to stay alive and not seize(i currently have 0 money and thousands in debt, im not american so this is around triple of minimum wage)
-i have never finished even basic education and am too retarded to do even the easiest job for biggest retard, no physical strength, cognitive abilities, broken brain, NEET for 12 years, gonna die just before i turn 30
-i have infinite debts and prison time coming for me, because i had to keep lying to get loans from pseudo-bank institutions otherwise i would die from drug withdrawal(i ran out once, spent 12 days at a nazi concentration camp called a psych ward here, where instead of tapering me they dropped me from 30 to 0, i had stroke symptoms and ambulanced myself. they put me on 1000mg seroquel 1000mg something else, so horse doses considering my bmi shows 'deathly low'. I escaped(voluntarily left after 12 days).
-Due to wrong treatment I have lost most of my body feeling. I have no physiological feelings, i can have a full bladder and I'll start feeling it when it already hurts, and I don't know if my bowels are full or empty, I can not drink for hours and then drink half a liter, same for eating and everything else. And it used to be far worse, when i got out of psych ward i was on their drugs, and i devolved to such a state that moving or picking up a paper off the table was a task harder than climbing Mount Everest, i spent 3 weeks in a psychosis where each hour felt like 100 hours of agony, time perception, auditory halluctinations, visual hallucinations, no body feeling, i could punch walls and wouldnt feel if i broke bones, kept hitting my head on everything, i had 1% of body feeling left and almost no muscle control, 24/7 feeling that im having a stroke, heart attack and seizures among other things. Once i started choking on water and smallest foods i decided that I'll die anyway and relapsed, taking one pill brought me back more feeling than ever and for a week or two i was delusional that I will recover somehow, because I was feeling infinitely better. I quickly relapsed to my old dose, i dont know if i could have saved myself by trying to stay on a lower dose or not, anyway, to continue, my family is all mentally and physically ill and broke. My father has an amputated leg and spends 5000 a month on taxis, my mother sleeps in the corridor and wastes 1000 a month on sweets and fast food that nobody should eat. My two brothers are older than me so 34 and 39 and never worked and never will make any money in their lives. I made several hundred thousand but my depression developed to a point i eventually gave a lot of money to random people, spent a fortune on a private mental hospital and got told they cant help me with anxiety and depression(2 years of psychiatry and therapy before) and i was not able to change 1 thing about my life even though i knew and told everyone i need to change everything or im going to die. The things I experienced I didnt think were possible to happen, if i didnt experience this unending agony i would not imagine that even in the worst nightmare or a horror story. I got bored of writing this as nobody will read it anyway and there is nothing to say to this. There are hundreds of other things I could write, but here you go if you think your life is extremely bad. Only things in my future if i dont die within a few days is mental hospital, hospital, prison, homelessness, institutions etc. And I wish I could explain it better or that people would not think I'm a troll. I fell so deep in hell that I can no longer empathize with a single human anywhere, because for 1% of the suffering i went through everyone would kill themselves and jump through glass, shit themselves and beg random people before they get shipped off to mental ward for the rest of their lives. Well, there is no reason to writing this, but there is no reason to anything when you are dying and have less than 100 hours of life left. Nothing feels real, i do not have any sanity left.