/dep/ - Depression

it's been a month since my tinnitus started and it's really loud and feels like it's getting even worse. i know i'm a pathetic faggot for this but its really bad, and my family doesnt care, and ive gone to multiple doctors and they cant do anything. i feel really alone and i want to die but im afraid to kill myself

>>310671
Suicide or get your head checked. I had tinnitus too but it comes in random waves, it is what it is, learn to toughen up from that experience.

>>310685
how long did it take for yours to go away? mine is constant.

>>310689
Couple of days or so. Again it sometimes come back but not as bad, I try to drown out shit with music all the time. I can never live without my phone and headset or i'll be dead already.

>>309999
Fujiwara no Mokou detected.

I want to leave this as a last testament.

I'll probably wake up, delirious and in pain. In case I don't, let these words be granted some ephemeral permanence so that they might be recorded unto less reckless records.

I HATE YOU.
There aren't the words to describe my desperate hatred of your initial respite.
You thought that bringing some half-hearted joint life in your union would birth love? I don't know if I should damn your ignorance or your naivete.
And that you would cajole and trick your way into such desperate methods.
I can't blame the one that was entered into such a union at the point of 00 buckshot.

AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN GRANT HIM THE BAREST OF MERITS!
Your mind remained transfixed unto the violent and the exciting. His deficiencies didn't even leave a dent. Illiterate or not. Hatefulness. Violence.
It didn't matter.

Reliability. Sustainability. The dependency of a steady pay-check stood no chance to the tingles in your cunt!

AND I CAN'T EVEN DIE!!!!
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
STUBBORNESS IS BRED INTO ME!
TO GIVE IN IS POSION! TO ADMIT DEFEAT IS PURE ANATHEMA!
THERE IS NO SITUATION MORE LUDICROUS THAN THE REFUSAL OF THE BEATEN TO ADMIT DEFEAT!

AND
I
CAN'T!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAH!!!!!
I'M STUCK PRAYING FOR AN ERRANT BOLT OF LIGHTNING!
I'M HERE WAITING FOR SOME HIGH TIDE TO SUFFOCATE ME!
I'M WAITING TO DROWN IN MY OWN BLOOD!
MAYBE I MIGHT BE MIRED IN THIS HATRED! THAT'S MY LAST RESORT! THAT I MIGHT HATE YOU UNTO MY OWN DEATH!
MY ONLY HOPE IS THAT YOU MIGHT SEE THIS PIT YOU'VE BIRTHED ME INTO. THAT YOU MIGHT BEAR WITNESS TO YOUR OWN TRAGEDIES! TO YOUR OWN CRUELTIES!

I. AM. YOUR. SINS.
BEAR WITNESS!!
CHOKE ON THIS HELL! TAKE MY HAND AND REALIZE YOUR OWN EVIL!
THERE IS NO SAVIOR HERE. NO AMOUNT OF MY OWN MERCY MIGHT SAVE YOU.
POWERS BEYOND ME DAMN YOU TO THIS. MY BLEEDING HEART IS NOTHING COMPARED TO THIS COSMIC RETRIBUTION.
i want to forgive you. i can understand. somehow.

Cruelties upon cruelties upon cruelties upon even more cruelties.
Cycles repeated upon infinity.
It doesn't give you the right. You knew it was wrong.
You did it anyway.

I can't decide if my understanding is a curse or a blessing.
Maybe the priest that buries me will have a decision.
Ha! Don't hold your breath. You might just join me.

I wish my mercy could bleed me dry. Maybe that would be a peaceful way to die.

>>310728
Is this AI

>>310729
No.
I'm a real person. Just a little incomprehensible from all the alcohol.
It helps me. At least, I think it does.

>>310152
Hey sorry I didnt see this sooner–yah so they removed the wax by putting some drops in my ears first to soften the wax. Then they flush it out with water they gently spray into your ears. You hold a bucket next to your ears as they squirt water into your ear while the drops/wax/water all come out together and fall into the bucket lol let me know how it goes!

Does anyone remember a website that would detail suicide method statistics and how to? NOT SANCTIONED SUICIDE.
Around 2021ish I used to browse this website that detailed suicide methods and how to for each method, success statistics, etc. Sanctioned Suicide seems to be more forum discussion, but this was more a resource/wiki just for reading about suicide methods, not discussion. It was written by a guy who used to be suicidal. It was also controversial.

I originally thought it was sanctioned suicide but revisiting it, I see no such wiki like I remember and it seems more forum based. Was it SS and they just took down the wiki/resource?

>>310754
Nevermind, I found it. It was called lostallhope.com

Even if I somehow had access to the perfect method I still wouldn't be able to kill myself due to the fear of what's beyond. I wish death didn't seem so scary.

i hope there is an afterlife

>>310831
You just haven't been pushed to the brink. I'm on the verge of being able to destroy my fear of the beyond due to how bad my situation has gotten.

When life feels like Hell, the idea of an “actual” Hell loses its edge, gradually.

Just how painful can be shotting yourself in the head with an ak-47/similiar gun? I fear the time of my 'busification' approaches. I already see the faggot horsemen of my apocalypse patrolling my neighborhood seeking out victims. And I might as well be one soon.

I have a 12 gauge and ammo but I am too chickenshit. Any words of encouragement so I can actually pull the trigger?

It's depressing that if I were to kill myself it wouldn't be a dramatic climax or ending to a cinematic story. No sentimental scenes witnessed by a crowd of audience who are moved into tears, discomfort or even jeering mockery. I'll just slip the noose around my neck or pop a pill and the story just gets cut off there.

I'm tired of being unemployed, my parents are annoying and I also never go out of the house and my friends are busy with their work, for some reason when I sleep, my dreams are more real than my life or the movies I watch, for example, just now I dreamed of being a succubus in a horror movie and I was chased by two famous serial killers in the movie Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers and I was almost killed by them, I also saw in my dream people were killed and for some reason my dreams seem more real than my life every day and every day always changes, dreams are tiring, why do today's generation of children hate school even though school is where they can interact with each other and form friendships, I know my school days were bad because of bullying and I was hated and so on, but in my opinion, school is the most real thing in life, just like my dreams

is paracord a good rope for hanging? also can i have some resources on how to hang yourself properly?

Am I retarded for "brainwashing myself" into wanting to live very less years? I don't mean consuming gooning content, but rather "scientific and geopolitic" content eg; climate refugee data, incoming macroeconomic-global swayings, astronomical destructive events (eg; solar flare, etc)-and so on, etc
the counterpart is making my own life feel extremely brisk by thinking of Deep Time; cosmological, geological, Epochs of the Earth, Hominid evolution timeline, etc.

>>311110
Where does this pic come from?

>>311148
India.

I still remember how much I fucking loved the Rebellion movie, or whatever the last Madoka movie that came out around 2012-2013 was. I was so excited about the not-yet officially announced sequel. Here we are a decade and half after, and I couldn't care less even though I kind of do. I don't know, Homura represents something I'm not sure yet what… resilience? insanity through life breaking you? will to live? it cannot be pure dumb yuri, no… Anyway all I want right now is the deep sleep because there was never a Madoka, either as a person or as an idea, in my life.

Don't you dare spoiling me!

>>311110
I do the same. I'm trying to gaslight myself into suicide because I don't want to live anymore but my fear of death is too high.

>>311162
As a matter of Fact, I have even taken to extensively studying the Monarch Programming methodology to use (upon myself).

December is already so close again… I feel like this time I may be able to get the needed courage to ingest sodium nitrite, or maybe not. Let's see.

>>311290
DO NOT DO IT

>>311293
>failed to beat insomnia, tired every day
>mentally ill
>shorter than middle schoolers, probably poorly developed
>limited elbow extension
>can't eat veggies or fruits because of autism, so shit health
>probably brain damaged
>myopia and astigmatism
>dead father
>small fingers
>13cm
>flat-foot
>chronical neuropathic pain doesn't let me use computers
>can't smoke anymore, messed up my sphincter
>kinda brown
>mom is almost in her 60s
>can't NEET
I already went far enough.

>>311299
How do you think blind people use computers? Disabled gamers exist.

>>311300
I'm grateful for the advice, but I think I'd be able to play games just by using a console since it would allow me to stay away from the screen. I still miss using the internet on a proper pc, though.
If I somehow manage to convince my mother that I'm an irreparable failure to let me NEET, I think I will buy a console and live for a few more years while I enjoy playing some vidya, but she hardly would accept that. By the way, the reason why I still didn't buy a console is because I earn little and put all my money on bitcoin.

>>311302
> I earn little
Ask your mother for more money

>>311299
>chronical neuropathic pain doesn't let me use computers

a laptop + a fan stand for the laptop in question = lying down with a computer is cozy now.
>can't eat veggies or fruits because of autism, so shit health

use juicer to make juice, add some spice of your choice (say, cinnamon) to make the taste understandable

>flat-foot

shit m8. same AND tall hence can't walk or run without special soles in my shoes

>failed to beat insomnia, tired every day


"Upgrade your sleeping station" I guess…


OK, so, I am going to spill some *seemingly offtopic* idea: try optimizing your sleeping station.
Reasoning is that… so you *could* - *probably*, at least - get higher quality sleep, by not aching while sleeping.
PROFIT: you will recharge better for the same sleeping time.
Details: well, it happened to me! Twice or even "thrice"!

1. I had a too warm blanket. A wool blanket, "normal" for an old house, was too warm for me in our brand new heat-insulated apartment. I bought a cotton blanket - half the insulation - for 20$ or so recently and woke up so well-rested I remeber thinking "and… how come no one have told me this before?!?!"
2. I got a cool matress this year! Slapped it atop my cheap "sofa bed" with a huge crack (two 200x70 sleeping cusions, but not a single 200x140) My back finally stpped aching.

3. Also, I got a good big pillow (I am a big person, as in both tall and fat)
Without it, I have a harder time sleeping

4. AC in the summer. (Or a dehumidifier and a bunch of spare water bottles, at least… not sure if that's a good idea though)

5. Get a set of disposeable nose expanders to see if your sleep improves. If it does, well, check yourself for "Sleep apnea" stuff. REASON: What if you *need* a CPAP mask but you don't know about it yet?

didn't do it this month despite coming close
when will I be gone already fuck

>>311303
I didn't think straight in my previous post. Now I remember that the reason why I invested the money instead of using it to buy something I want was because I have always been failing with my convictions. If I were sure I would manage to kill myself by the end of the year then there would be no reasons to save money, but if I retreated and ended up living more years then sacrificing pleasure in the present to be in better conditions in the future would be wiser. I also didn't consider the possibility of buying a jailbroken console, nor did I know how simple SN death was back then.
>>311309
>lying down with a computer
Honestly, I don't see how that would stop what triggers my migraines :/. I think the strain over my eyes would still be pretty much the same. I thought about buying an eye-care monitor in the beginning of the year but I didn't want to risk losing the money.
>juice
Only the smell of a juice is already enough to make me nauseous. I will throw up if I force myself to drink one, I know because I have already tried before.
>same
I feel you, it sucks to have to walk like a duck, haha.
>by not aching while sleeping
Thanks to the meds, now I only feel pain in my sleep if I lay down in the wrong position. Most of the time, if I'm not tiring my eyes too much, hunger or exhausted, I just feel a slight steady pressure in the sides of my head (I'm feeling it right now).
My bed and sheets are pretty comfortable, my brain is the guilty and I will probably need meds. I'm already dependent on melatonin but it didn't fix the problem, only made me able to at least stop spending days without being able to get any sleep at all.
>My back finally stpped aching
I'm glad for you, wizzie.
>AC
It makes my throat dry and then wakes me up, I only use it when the weather is hot as fuck.
>Get a set of disposeable nose expanders to see if your sleep improves
I will try. I have already done a polysomnography before, I don't remember well right now what was written in the results but I think it talked about something related to sleep apnea but that wasn't sleep apnea (I think), although nothing conclusive. I would need to search for the paper to be sure. Funnily enough, I woke up in the early morning when I did this exam, having slept only about 6 hours lol.

I don't get it why do people jump in front of a train and not simply just lay their head over the track and allow themselves to be decapitated?
like this >>310288

Is it just a impulsive dramatic thing?

>>311416
>It makes my throat dry and then wakes me up, I only use it when the weather is hot as fuck.

25$ air humidifier with bottled pure water

>Only the smell of a juice is already enough to make me nauseous. I will throw up if I force myself to drink one, I know because I have already tried before.

OK, use pure water then.

>Thanks to the meds, now I only feel pain in my sleep if I lay down in the wrong position

Non-salon mattresses are way cheaper than in-salon ones. Try looking up one on Amazon.



>>311504
IIRC, trains have plow-like attachments.

Don't do the wrist cutting method for fuck sake, just an advise to anyone who (||i hope no one||) think of ever using it as a definitive method to end.
This fat faggot tried it twice and it did nothing, only attention seekers do this type of method.
Just buy a gun if you can.
https://everything2.com/node/329862
RELATED EMBED/LINK

After getting used to my tinnitus I now have some new issue that I can't even understand and I am too tired to go to a doctor, I just want to give up. My right elbow is in constant burning pain and it is difficult to even use the computer now, laying down is also difficult because it feels like there is some kind of knot at my back. Thanks to this shit I am giving up on my only real constructive hobby, and unfortunately I can hardly even do something more passive like play video games or even just comfortably lay down because of this. Sorry, this is just word vomit. I don't know how I haven't killed myself by now, I probably never will unfortunately.

I walked to train station the other day to scout it out for suicide. I sat near the edge of the platform on the yellow line and suddenly a train came flying though the station it was so close like 60cm from me I felt a gust of wind and I was shocked at just how close to me it was I thought "wow is it really just that easy to die?" I wasn't paying attention and I almost did. All I have to do is stick my head out and the impact will surely kill me instantly.

I will walk to the train station which is about 35 minutes from my home. I will listen for the announcer to say "the next train does not stop at this station please keep behind the yellow line" and that is my cue that a fast train is on it's way.

i have been in pits of despair and panic so extreme that i think needing a suicide general and a huge discussion about it all is really performative. if you need all these complex plans its cause you aren't really suicidal and youre just looking for ways to vent that youre sad unconstructively. if i need to die im confident id be able to do really extreme methods like slice my own throat or run into a wall repeatedly if im imprisoned.
but things in my life have always worked themselves out before i needed to.
my problems really arent my problems. its being forced to live with my family members that are demented retards.
but things will work themselves out like my brother will get a new horse tranquilizer for his mental retardation or my mom will get an expensive surgery or some family member will give us money and i wont need to kill myself anymore cause my life went back to status quo.

Is it cruel if I burn all my belongings including family photos where my face appears?
I just want it to look like I never existed

>>311615
no, it are your belongings, do with it what you want
your small everyday objects are yours

Is slicing my throat a good way to kill myself? I didn't find it listed on lostallhope

My only worry is blood coagulating and blocking the bleeding. My idea was to aim to my aortic vein. Alternatively try to cut a vein on my leg before I do the neck, just in case

>>311688
Cutting or bloodletting has a low succes rate compared to other methods. This might be a good idea however if you have no other options.

>>311688
bad method, it's better to jump from height or train wreck, but also hanging or starving to death is better

>>311615
It isn't cruel, but sad. Anyway, like another wizard said, you can make with your belongings what you wish.

It's more interesting why you want to do that.

How to hang?

>>311723
>>311730
I can't get guns where I live and throwing myself under the metro scares me due to the posible pain when my head or arms get crushed

My idea was alternatively to use an angle grinder or something like that so the cut gets properly done

>>311749
Do it carefully so you don't make a mistake trying again

>>311756
For what I've been researching, cutting the main aorta on thr neck and the jugular is lethal, there's very low risk of blood coagulating. So I guess I find the way, now I must plan it carefully