/dep/ - Depression

I really like just laying in bed or on the couch in silence. It's the best thing to do I could think of the last 15 years. I feel like there is really not much to do at all in life. They say I just lay around a lot even though I have a job
I don't know. There's not much to do I feel like. The only moment I think where a person actually is demanded to do something and carry responsibility is when you conceive a baby and become a parent. Other than that there's no duty no responsibility no need to do anything. I'm not so sure but I really don't know what else life has to offer or what the fuck people even do or what you are supposed to be doing. I feel this must be okay.

>>311088
I meant to finish SICP using common lisp instead of standard scheme, at least I finished A gentle introduction to symbolic computation without using ai, because I just use ai now to do my projects, saves a shitload of time

There's nothing I want more than to go back to the 2000's

>>311136
What would you do if you can actually go back?

>>311137
Enjoy society and the world being way better than it is right now & work on my autistic passion projects without being replaced by AI

Spent $70 on sex toys I'll never use but still got because total surveillance state is coming or something and wasted 12 hours not even edging proper but just browsing fetish related websites Again Award

Please God Please!!! M E R C Y

>>311040
>>311041
>60 days free and now my goose is begging to be chocked to h-games.
60 days is a good number, brother, specially if it's from sheer raw willpower. But
>my moment of weakness. Everytime I lose a streak I feel horrible for a week or so.
I am 90% sure that with addictions, regardless of their type, they have a "kindling" component similar to sedatives withdrawal. It's not even about the sedatives themselves, but something about the way Glutamate acts on your neurons, and memory or habit reinforcement. Willpower is more scarce than it seems. It's just fucking brutal, and kinda happens with depression too, just like today you got off to 1 big titty anime succubus, each load and orgasm irreversibly brings you closer to horsecock elf futas whispering mommy dom ASMR in your ears.

>And yet 60 days of nofap don't really bring much into my life. It's a carousel -
>I am either horniest ape in the jungle or completely impotent wretch with total anhedonia. Sometimes I am stuck in between, like today. It's hellish.
Exactly, when I am not in this gooner trance I'm just completely dead inside as well. I think people underestimate the actual physical toll these sessions have on the brain and body, even when you don't actually cum it's like having the gas floored 24/7, like right now I've been awake for 22 hours and I don't feel "tired" at all.

>>311041
>I feel I lose some piece of myself. Then again, when I was younger I didn't feel like that.
Quite literally there are only so many things that can make up a persons character, as we get older and lose hobbies and energy, that's how the process goes indeed.


>That is how I got myself into this mess. You can't just quit something you've been doing for 15 years straight, especially if that something is equal to crack in addictiveness.
I hate to admit it but the whole "all addictions are attempts at filling a hole(implies the hole is social connection)" is very very true. My degeneracy only got 10x as bad when I started feeling irreversibly alienated, once I had a quasiwaifu, an anime succubus that made my subhuman heart go doki doki, but that was long ago and that was replaced by bitterness and apathy.

>Every attempt to get rid of it is a lost cause for me because it's just a matter of time. I had a month, two months, three months streaks of nofap, noporn, but I crawled back eventually.
I still remember the times I deleted my porn collection, first when I was a teen and it was 10gb, then 250gb, today it's 4tb.

>My longest streak was about 180 days but I binged kratom daily and had no urge to jerk it. Didn't notice any significant changes, it was always there, the god damn snake
>kratom
Very interesting, my longest streaks were one year and half and almost two years but it was some disease and other stressors. Like I said, when I had that quasiwaifu and I felt in some way or form connected to her, it was bliss and I didn't need nor was forced into being a gooning monster, for 18 months. It's silly but even thinking "damn what would this or that person think about me if he knew or saw what I'm doing or thinking" helps inmensely. But I am long past the point of no return. Back then I had something remotely in common with the world, this 2d waifu, like youth and potential, today the idea is laughable and makes me want to kill myself and shun all escapist media like I don't know how the fuck some guys can remain deeply inmersed in Highschool anime or media or generally stuff that is the polar opposite of their current lives. It just makes me much more bitter. Not even music brings relief. Why THE FUCK should I be invested in fictional stories where the supposedly underdog character I was rooting for was akchyually the heir of the tribes most powerful family or some massive retardated plot? Congrats dude, you were BORN OP AS FUCK, you deserve it so much man truly you worked for it you magnificent nigger cunt.

Cheers to you fellow gooner, it's a hard and long road and in all honestly knowing the futility and pointlessness of it doesn't help. But I will still try to fight the urges

Took a short nap and a few pills of l-theanine and like 15g of glycine and tea. Feeling a little clearer now. It's really frightening how hard the dumbfucking rationalizations take hold of your mindspace "yeah sure bro it's ok if you buy that, you're not going to use it right, RIGHT??? why buy it then? uhhhhh just because okay!?" holy fucking shit just kill me already

>>311147
Lost the 60 days streak the other day. Shitty month, got drunk three times last week, burned through my dopamine storage and the beast took over once again. Fortunately I learned not to blame myself too much.

>if it's from sheer raw willpower
Thanks but it wasn't. Mostly I felt libidoless and whenever I had my libido, my anhedonia retreated and I didn't even want to goon. Gooning for me is a last resort. It's just the times are hard and I use it often, unfortunately. Or if the libido is so overwhelming it gives me brainfog of lust, a haze of pink rot, but it doesn't happen often at all.

>ike today you got off to 1 big titty anime succubus, each load and orgasm irreversibly brings you closer to horsecock elf futas whispering mommy dom ASMR in your ears
Thankfully I am mindful to what I goon too. I've been on the internet for enough time to know what kind of degenerate freaks gooners can devolve to. That is horryfing. I've been stuck at the same fetish for years with mild variations. Sometimes I get a craving for vanilla fantasies. It's rot anyway but it could be worse. I take relief in the fact I am not one of the ntr sissy goons and similiar creatures destroyed by this addiction.

>22 hours and I don't feel "tired" at all
22 hours of a goon? Damn, that is a lot. Whenver I get flashes of libido, I can do 10-12 at best.

>at filling a hole
But the thing is, I have almost zero social connections. I have my relatives (not immediate) that is it. But there are days, sometimes even a week when I feel just alright, without this 'hole'. And there can be weeks when I feel wretched. Drinking more alcohol, lyrica, consuming porn whataever I can my hands on. It gets me the most - it's unstable fluctiation. It doesn't go away, 30, 60, 120 days of nofap. I read people feel that way for years. Then again most of those nofap stories are for retarded normaltrash who aren't trustworthy.

>I still remember the times I deleted my porn collection, first when I was a teen and it was 10gb, then 250gb, today it's 4tb.

I used to keep a bit of a pornstash, a few collected images/gifs back in 2015 or so. But I can't, for me it's explosive - I relapse, goon for as long as I can without feeling sick of it, I delete every trace of it happening. I even deleted 3 years worth of my almost art with no back ups because I realized that drawing hot fictional succubi is detrimental to nofap (obviously, but I justified it all the time).

> I had that quasiwaifu and I felt in some way or form connected to her
I never really had a waifu. Whenever I tried I had intrusive thoughts of disguisting nature. 'What if she x, y, z' plus mental images. What if she cucks me, what if she would be abhorent like real life succubi are, what if this and that. This shitty brain is broken.

>Why THE FUCK should I be invested in fictional stories where the supposedly underdog character
This shit is for literal niggers and other swarthy hordes of the world. It's infected everything. Every anime is an aurafarm with flat, boring characters and tropes. Mangas are trash too. There are some interesting manhwas but mostly that is the epitome of niggerslop. I play older games and that is it. Everything is infected. Normalscum pollutes all entertaininment.


>Cheers to you fellow gooner, it's a hard and long road and in all honestly knowing the futility and pointlessness of it doesn't help. But I will still try to fight the urges

Thanks, to you too. I will never win for good, but I will keep trying. It's kind of like a path with no destination.

>>311147
>>311171
Asking for your opinion: the other day I went to the supermarket and when going to get the shopping cart I overheard two 40-50 years old guys that I would describe as white trash, dumb, poor, insensitive, talking in a alcohol fuelled loud and self confident voice. However they were talking about a place where there are supposed to be hot succubi that would do everything you can imagine. It was just a short incident but after that I asked myself that despite them being asocial and blunt whatever they were talking about may be better than living with porn for over almost two decades. Better in terms of it's at least a real person and nut that damaging to your brain. Similar as to when people went to strip bars in the past. Maybe that's less harmful to your brain compared to watching porn alone at home. I'm not saying I want to do this, delete the post if I'm breaking a rule here. The question is simply what would be healthier for the brain and why don't we choose the healthy option if we would have to choose in the first place. Both is bad for you but it might be that porn is even worse however I'm not sure.

Goddamn the only way to get myself to do the "right" thing and get disciplined is to constantly exert high effort and meta-alertness throughout the day. The moment I relax and let my mind do what it wants it immediately rush into self-destructive activities. Even resting properly requires mindfulness.

>>311206
>prostitutes
Wizchan 2026.
Anyway, I will tell you what I think.
And I think working succubi can't just replace porn forever. If that was the case, sex-having, married normalfags wouldn't be on nofap forums begging for advice because of cooming habit ruining his family and his pepeee doesn't work without porn.
What if you want to coom but have no money/prostitute is busy, etc? You will cooom the same old fashioned soul-rotting way because it is readily available. Much more so that any hooker.
It's like replacing heroin with crack hoping to be clean except that crack is free and you can get it any time.

>it happened again

>>311206
>whatever they were talking about may be better than living with porn for over almost two decades.
>Better in terms of it's at least a real person and nut that damaging to your brain.
I don't think them being a real person and actually nutting is intrinsically better for your brain. The problem with porn, at least from all I've learned and experienced, is not so much the porn itself as the literally click-away-distance and endless novelty it can provide. The reason this is bad for your brain is because the monke-brain seems to have no brakes when it comes to the prospect of reproduction, so as I've said you're pretty much keeping the gas pedal floored for hours, days, weeks, months even. And each time you always chase a higher high. With brothels and such, distance, money and males refractory period itself act as natural brakes. Once you're done you're done. I'm pretty sure, sex addiction via prostitutes is a relatively common normalfag issue, why do I think this? Because rich people will go through insane lengths to fund and transport their own personal harems, make no doubt their brains are suffering from similar long-term deleterious effects.

>and why don't we choose the healthy option if we would have to choose in the first place.
When I was a teenager or rather a kid, because I was fuck ugly and socially isolated. Later as life improved a bit I was still too stressed and mentally damaged to care. Even later OCD took hold and the idea of indirectly getting contaminated was too strong to ignore even hypothetically. I'm old now and my current reason is that succubi are spiritual DDT, Anthrax, radioactive poison. They're too Material, Earthly (ironic considering the "divine feminine" psyop some peddled not long ago), common, vain. It's always men who reach for Heavens, the Immaterial. They're just not good for the average man psyche, they may be for some under some limited circumstances, but for the vast majority of men I think a fair adjective for them is "Parasites" "Spiritual Black Hole" "Bottomless Energy and Time Sink".

Most normalfags, and I mean truly seasoned normalfag males tend to resent succubi. Most cultures throughout the world and history also resented succubi. I think buddhism is the closest direction an individual, modern, "average" and "below average" male like us could take for his personal wellbeing. Since it's all fake and gay and we ought to be dead but it takes a lot of strength to embrace death.. whoever said that most of mans problems come from the inability to sit still in a room was spot on

>>311210
I've noticed the same thing, the moment 'you stop watching your mind' is when things fall apart. Life requires serious effort. I still have this feeling everything could be a lot easier and comfy though.

All the real-events-inspired dream I have is from when I was 20 years old and younger. I just stopped making new memories once I become a recluse.

i previously hoped that my situation could get better if i just figured out the psycho-mechanics of my issues and somehow got around them, but years of research have gotten me nothing, there's no secret control panel behind the mind that you can discover and tinker with. you're essentially just stuck with your particular psychological configuration, what one might call a "personality" and beyond some impressionable years in early childhood, it's mostly stable throughout your life. unfortunately, my issues got worse when i got uglier physically, which turned my "irrational" fears into undeniable reality, people did hate me and now they were making it overtly known. and i can't blame them, i don't even like myself and avoid the mirror and spend my entire day essentially dissociating in online virtual spaces.

my only hope is that i will someday just die in my sleep so that i can disappear painlessly from this existence. i keep suicide as like some get-out-of-jail-free card if things get too unbearable, but in truth i am a coward and i'll be unable to press that button when the time comes.

>>311330
I have failed for more than a decade in trying to change myself. Currently I think the only way left is to take some radical extreme change, like smashing my computer or taking a one way ride to somewhere unfamiliar but I don't have the courage for that. Also worst case scenario is that you remain the same unhappy loser even after throwing away your past attachments so you just made things worse for yourself. I did try a lot to step out of my comfort zone in the past and moved out twice for academic pursuit. I dropped out of each school lol.

>>311335
I feel the same way about my possessions namely my unfinished projects and internet bookmarks/porn files from a decade ago

>>311330
>my only hope is that i will someday just die in my sleep so that i can disappear painlessly from this existence.
I feel like that is the ultimate cope. If your life is painful shit, why should death be any different? It used to be my biggest escape. I thought about death, freedom that comes with it, maybe near-death dream would include fullfillment of unrealized in life wishes and then a peacefull nothing. But now it's my biggest nightmare, because ANYTHING can happen. Anything at all. From peaceful slubmer to eternity in a meatgrinder.

>>311330
I guess you're right. A few threads back I was talking on this general about trying a few supplements to manage my (undiagnosed, but sure feels like it) OCD and porn addiction. I can't remember what I mentioned in past posts, but just in case I didn't mention it back then I tried getting actual high-dose, 50,000mcg B12 (hydroxo) shots. Hoping it would improve things. Life, being a bitch nigger as always said "nuh uh" so lo and behold right after the first shot I felt… peace, slept like a fucking baby that and the next 3 night. Then went back to normal. 2 weeks later second shot, felt like my nervous system had awakened but not in a good way, severe insomnia, sleeping 2-4 hours per day but most importantly the unbearable degenerate porn thoughts were at their peak and I ended up wasting another 80$ on dumb sex toys. Now why am I mentioning this, the traditional wisdom is that accoustic and generally tired, depressed, low-life-quality people like me could use and need heavy doses of B12, the biochemistry is long and extensive, and probably true for the most part but it doesn't solve being an actual dysgenic subhuman nor can it do anything for you if you take it *after* the damage is done (I had a hypertensive crisis years ago, and I think I mentioned one arm having a 40 units higher blood pressure difference == advanced vascular disease).

That is not even getting into the, as you correctly point out, "psychological configuration" the foundations of how you perceive reality. No matter what I tried I could never relax being around others. I feel straight up threatened by friend groups, or family gatherings (even my own) because my subconscious says all it takes is one wrong line or opinion for the wrath of that group raining on me (most likely just an excuse for beating me up for being ugly and making others uncomfortable). These prime, core beliefs and habits ran my life and the result is exactly what you'd expect: alone, got nowhere, bitter, sick.

Could it be changed? I think I'm well past the point of no return, the point where even the most miraculous change in body composition and environment won't make any difference, short of literally replacing my brain and memories. Not even the largest psychedelic dose could help. That's another thing I kept noticing from reading others experiences, for some guys getting exercise made them feel better and improve their lives, but for others all it did was exacerbate the existing pain and isolation as now the dreamy haze of junk food, fatigue and porn wasn't there anymore to give them a glimpse of hope "o-once I get lean and fit everything will be daijoubou :^)".

I think that the core issue of it all is not even a biochemistry, genetic or looks issue, sure those matter because they act as buffers for suffering and postpone an irreversible psychological breakdown, the core matter is much simpler it's just whether you had a healthy attachment style to your parents and family. If you were loved, truly loved and nurtured as a child, you'll thrive no matter what, else you're fucked. I undeniably belong to the second camp, mentally ill subhuman Jekyll and Hyde monsters, I am, again, fundamentally no different and I can already see the potential exact same mistakes repeating. It's so fucked isn't it?

>>311335
>>311336
This too but on a broader sense as well. Right now all I can think of is migrants, don't think of country, race or economical status, just think of a "grey migrant", no matter where he goes home will always be home. No matter what attachment you try leaving behind it doesn't change you. I always fucking berated my parents for on the rare occasions we talked, for them going back to the same environments that made them who they were, in a negative connotation of course. But imagine for a second you actually cut off all contact, actually get rid of all your possesions and attachments, what remains after that even? It's hopeless

I myself do not like religion it does not make sense

>>311339
there's something after death but you don't know what it is

>>311335
>radical extreme change, like smashing my computer
When I deleted all my saves in video games to start studying, the only thing that changed was that I didn't have any saves and mourned them.

>>311339
Life implies an End.

Even if both Life and Death are painful nightmares, at least Death does not lie about its tenure.

It's a very cold comfort, but at least you know. You're not left praying for some effervescent end. You know that you're stuck in this suffering. You might disagree, but I find it better to know where and when I am, even if that is an endless grey miasma.

i'm the retard that keeps posting about tinnitus and yes it seems to be permanent. i think i've mostly "gotten used" to it but i still have moments like this where i feel despair. i can't tell if it has gotten worse or if its my perception of it. either way, it has made me feel even more isolated and depressed than i was before. i wonder what sort of issues i'm going to have next

Tired of comparing myself with other people. Tired of thinking about domination and hierarchy or have and have-nots or winning and losing or who takes and who is taken from. I just want to relax. Just let me be a loser cuck. I don't want to compete with anyone.

>>311444
hey wizanon, did you know that… comparison is the thief of joy? xD betcha never heard that one before! your suffering is now cured! youre welcome :)

>>311444
no but seriously im with you, this shit makes me want to kill myself on top of everything else. everything makes me feel like a loser, even tv shows or literally any media, im totally fried. maybe you can ignore this reptile lizard brain part of your wiring if you arent objectively a complete loser with nothing and nobody in your life, i find theres no way to suppress it under my current and forever circumstances.

I notice more and more people are sick, poor, and die earlier than usual these years. No UBI, no health, no wider euthanasia, and traitors everywhere.

>>311471
Tha AI hype is real but only the ultrarich will see its benefits. I now fully believe the theory that theyre only letting the plebs get a taste of it so they can justify banning it. Anons have been warning about it since forever but I am starting to worry as it feels dangerously close, yeah yeah I know its inevitable but erm wasnt the date twenty FUCKING THIRTY!? Why are they (jews and globohomo) pushing narratives so hard lately? The whole "uhm you need to stock up on food for 72hrs blackouts or something"

Man I am NOT ready for it, not yet man what the fug I barely could afford a couple hard drives, I still need to download my impossibly retarded long backlog of music, anime and gaymes

>>311444
I'm tired of being jealous and resentful towards those who started small and have achieved so much unlike me. Why I can't come to terms that I'm subhuman filth and I have failed miserably?

>>311481
Man, I feel the same, each single word I'm trying to ignore them now.

>>311481
They feel just as negatively towards you, much more than some nepo baby ever could.

I keep pulling away from people. It's fun when I make a new "friend" (acquaintance) when playing vidya. They usually add me and we spend the next few days playing together. And then it happens.
I start to feel anxious. I think too much about everything.
"What if they think xyz? What if they find out I'm xyz? Do I even deserve to be friends with this person? They probably think I'm xyz. Do they even want me around?"
And eventually I can't take the stress anymore. I unfriend them without word, delete all traces of my existence and change my information as best I can.
It never ends. I don't know why I'm like this.
I'm terrified of people knowing who I am, yet I feel so alone.

>>311432
Hey Anon, I went through something similar 4 years ago. It filled me with so much doom and despair I legitimately couldn't move because if I did I would've gotten out of bed and killed myself. I would constantly check for the ringing if I ever felt it wane and it was like even thinking about it made it come back. Actually, reading your posts have made me hear it a bit again lol. But it gets less scary over time, I promise you'll adjust to it. It took until around a year or so before I wasn't constantly panicking about it and around the 3rd year mark it became not even in my top 10 problems. Eventually your brain will sort of filter it out like how you can't see your nose unless you're looking for it. The stimulus might still be there and may be permanent, but the stress response you associate with the tinnitus is temporary and it'll go back to normal in that sense. I think the word for it is called habituation? Anyway, my best advice for you is to try and not think about it as much as you can. The better you can do that the faster your brain will habituate it and then you won't constantly be flooding yourself with stress chemicals.

Also two last things. One, it's not entirely hopeless. The worst kind of tinnitus is from hearing loss, that might be true blue you're just fucked. But there's a lot of research being done to cure tinnitus, specifically this Susan Shore lady is looking the most promising. Also, there's always hope on the horizon with medical advancements due to AI.

And two, is that it's going to be alright anon. It's going to be possible to relax again

Getting angry is like having a seizure or heart attack or something. You can't predict when it'd happen, it'll happen against your better judgement whether you want to or not and you're helpless and feel like total shit until it's over. Nothing you can do but keep your mind blank until it passes. I'll fucking kill everyone goddamn. Fuck this world.

>>311502
You're bigest idiot I've known online

>>311502
> I'm terrified of people knowing who I am
Why ?

>>311509
isn't that a little bit too harsh

>>311432
For me it's been one year since my tinnitus became severe and I've never gotten used to it. It's a psychological torture. When I sleep 7-8 hours, I feel like I slept 5-6 hours, It's so loud that sleep stopped being restorative.
It doesn't freak me out like the first week I realized I had it, it just makes me depressed and angry. I can't concentrate and forget everything, I stopped doing my favorite hobbies (watching anime, reading manga) because I can barely focus. I tried sport, supplements, eating well and nothing work. I hate my life.

I think I am writing because I still have hope that one day I will feel better.

I have embraced some /pol/ values with the hope I would feel better. I used to think my sadness was the result of being a NEET, the lack of belief (I was a deist), or whatever the equivalent of "clean your room" is. I have tried catholicism for this exact purpose, but it didn't do anything for me. I mean, I was a little less sad as a rad trad because they actually give a direction, but Vatican II catholicism offers absolutely nothing except "mind your own business and keep giving". Some still try to affirm that catholic succubi are the best and to marry one, but all the divorces tell a different history (people never tell you that the magisterium teaches that matrimony is a sacrifice, the fools think they can tolerate each other). I don't like society that much either.

Only recently did I stop lying to myself, that I am actually a sad man unable to sacrifice his peace. The fact that I realized I am the very thing I have always avoided doesn't help either.

I just want to sleep to never wake up again.

>>311511
I think so. Sorry but I've read how he ruin his friendships and I got mad.

Lack of sleep is a surefire way to fuckup your life and give in to addiction. Before I waste another, yes, yet again another $50 in fetishistic crap can someone talk me out of it? 48 hours, 3 hours of sleep. It keeps happening against my best judgement

>>311530
maybe read those meme books on dopamine, it might give you enough sense of urgency to quit

>>311531
Brother, I have spent the last 5 years reading about neurotransmitters and nutrition. However I'm also fucking retarded and not a lot has stuck from that. I think I'd be a prime candidate for benzos, like I'd unironically benefit from them, not even in the junkie sense like legit I'd improve on them and I'm well aware of their addictive potential. I just took 6mg of melatin about an hour ago. Nothing. Thoughts were a bit quieted but nothing else. Drug addicts be rolling their eyes reading that ugh I knoooow, "melatonin lmao are you a fucking kid" no! but come the fuck on 2 days, barely any sleep all I've been doing the past hour is fucking piss even tho I haven't drank much water at all……

>>311530
Reading this at 4:30 AM.

>>311530
You are exactly right. I love swapping day and night and it fucks me up. Everything from dopamine, lack of control, lack of energy, everything stems down from sleep problems. I corrected the sleep schedule for now with titanic effort and life became about 15% better

>order placed
WHOOPS FUCK MY NIGGER LIFE

I don't like cancelling things because then my bank will give me the finger the day I actually need their help. Or maybe, just maybe it's the pornbrain rationalization. I am getting sleepy at least, at last.

>>309794
Small panic attack occurred. The usual thinking that I am having a heart attack. Though there was discomfort in my left arm which is what freaked me out so much. Though the anxiety as subsided now and I am not dead so It is probably nothing.

>>311530
I feel shit and tired from when I woke up until late night when I get ton of dopamine and energy that makes me feel good and unable to sleep. I haven't had a regular sleep schedule since high school, that's 10 years ago and even then I was still having trouble getting enough sleep. I don't know how to fix it. Nothing seems to stick.

>>311535
Stop ordering customs