/dep/ - Depression

>>310626
yes, you do
you had a childhood so you have favorite meals or comfort foods

my tinnitus seems to have become reactive to sounds in my right ear and i can hear it over a shower or brown noise and i also hear ringing when i move my body and its beginning to make me feel hopeless

>>310239
>i still cant ride a bicycle
yo same *fistbump*
>dad wants to teach 8 year old me how to ride a bike with no training wheels because lol fuck logic
>does the run while holding the back of the seat thing
>I start getting the hang of going straight but live on a narrow street and have to turn back around
>think i have to lean and put my foot down like motocross
>completely eat shit
>dad can i get training wheels?
>lolno
>after several days of this, i completely throw a tantrum, dad gives up

>>310236
holy shit I went through this too
>parents buy me a car in senior year of highschool (99 elantra in 2009 lol)
>hey dad can we go out driving? no
I shit you not this car sat for two years in the driveway untouched like a total cocktease, I could have had my license in high school and had social opportunities but fuck me yet again

>>310644
Why didn’t you make a driving license? Don’t need parents for that. Should be glad they bought you a car, you fucked it up.

Take your entire body and soul to try to even become below average when you're born a defect.

>>310578
Only faggots wear black gloves for cooking. Just wash your hands!

I got revenge on some normalniggers and I have to say it feels life-refreshing. I really needed this.

How long do chu think humans have left?
'Twould be quite pleasant indeed to witness their demise in my lifetime.

>>310700
I feel like they'll have plenty of time left. Barely anything changes besides tech getting a little better and AI. Everything else is still the same deal, surviving, eating and reproducing. As long as our star system is safe we will be here for a long time.

>>310701
You don't think nuclear war could do us in?

>>310703
Nuclear war is so uncommon and been blabed about for fucking years now, if countries want to nuke, they'll nuke, not make a billion of threats and never do anything.

>>310704
True…
Damn, this sucks.

>>310709
>>310710
You made me waste precious seconds reading this drivel. You owe me an apology.

>>310713
0

>>310715
Yes, yes. We all think you're special, O enlightened one.

How strange it is that people with obviously rancid, evil vibes have massive online followings.

I feel normies have no actual social sense but operate off of instinct.

>>309794
I am sick of existing with a constant ache of shame attached to the very fact and particulars of my existence.

>>310757
Same

we will lose everything: health, possessions, parents, pets, achievements, art, music, history…only god will remain and he doesn't care about us and probably doesn't even exist

I hate life and have nothing I want from it yet I am still scared of death due to some innate instinct. It's a bad joke to give an infinitely reproducing creatures consciousness capable of awareness of its own mortality and spine chilling fear of death at the same time. I swear fear of nothingness is a bigger problem than the nothingness itself.

>>310764
Nothingness is a bigger spook than God. At least you can point to the creation and demand a creator, but what precedent is there for nothingness? Everywhere you look, there's something. Maybe you get disintegrated and lose yourself, but it's impossible to get nothing from something.

The only thing I can feel is emptiness

There is no cruelest fate than being lonely, isolated AND porn addicted. I get it know, why men sexually go off the rails as they age.

May God have mercy on my soul…..

>>310972
I can easily imagine a far worse fate, for example being eaten alive by feral beasts

if god wanted he could have created you without sexual urges, without any pain, without a flesh body…he didn't so is it even worth it to pray him?

>>310972
wouldn't it be worse without the porn? doesn't it have a numbing effect?

Do any other wizards struggle with showering and brushing your teeth?

I try to brush my teeth once a day but I often go 2-3 days without doing so. I only shower every couple months.
Normies are like superhumans, it's seriously impressive that they can do this every single day.

>>310991
Once you spend a year and a whole bunch of money visiting a dental clinic, you will find enough energy to brush your teeth every day

>>310991
Hey what the fuck you got it all backwards. You brush your teeth twice a week but you don't shower? I shower every single day but I haven't brushed my teeth in months.

>>310993
If I don't brush my teeth they decay. The only thing that happens when I don't shower is that I smell and my mum complains so it seems less important.

>>310995
Tooth decay is inevitable. Smelling bad is preventable. That's my philosophy.

>>310978
>being eaten alive by feral beasts
You don't get it friend, the quick and extreme pain of being eaten alive by feral beasts pales in comparison to the pain and humiliation, the complete destruction of the self and it's spirit, your honor, your essence, identity, everything once you stood for slowly being replaced by an insatiable urge to goon into ever more degrading and shameful practices. Feral dogs let you keep your honor, sort of, but death by gooning???

>he didn't so is it even worth it to pray him?
I have no choice now

>>310979
>wouldn't it be worse without the porn? doesn't it have a numbing effect?
No? And yes it does have a numbing effect that's kind of the problem. I'd honestly be ok with suicide at this point, it's just getting straight to the point instead of prolonging your death by replacing bits and hopes and dreams of yourself with animalistic urges.

How can that be worse?

>>310991
i brush once a week, and i shower once a week

oral health is really complex, its deeply interwined with cardiovascular health, no amount of brushing can stop decay coming from inside and for the bacteria and such just dont eat sweets

>>310972
>>310978
>>310979
>>310997
In fact, not even trying to sound dramatic but it's almost as bad as Alzheimers but somehow sadder because there is no one to witness you changing/dying other than yourself

>>310972
I feel you fellow gooner.
I managed to get to almost 60 days free and now my goose is begging to be chocked to h-games. I don't want to but it waits for my moment of weakness. Everytime I lose a streak I feel horrible for a week or so. And yet 60 days of nofap don't really bring much into my life. It's a carousel - I am either horniest ape in the jungle or completely impotent wretch with total anhedonia. Sometimes I am stuck in between, like today. It's hellish. Especially when you are into spirituality and realize how much you fuck yourself up by gooning to degenerate games some filthy normalniggers create for patreon bucks

>>310997
>replacing bits and hopes and dreams of yourself with animalistic urges.
It does feel like that. Everytime I goon I feel I lose some piece of myself. Then again, when I was younger I didn't feel like that. That is how I got myself into this mess. You can't just quit something you've been doing for 15 years straight, especially if that something is equal to crack in addictiveness. Every attempt to get rid of it is a lost cause for me because it's just a matter of time. I had a month, two months, three months streaks of nofap, noporn, but I crawled back eventually. My longest streak was about 180 days but I binged kratom daily and had no urge to jerk it. Didn't notice any significant changes, it was always there, the god damn snake

i have been following along with an MIT OS dev course and realizing how much of a mental midget i am. if i were actually enrolled in a serious university, i would get weeded out pretty quickly. i always felt like i could tackle any intellectual challenge if i really put my mind to it, but i'm not so sure. it's not that i couldn't solve the problems eventually like a monkey at a typewriter but not under the time constraints a student would be under. many of the assignments are labeled "easy" and are anything but.

i would hate to retire from my hobby but i'm beginning to feel like i never had any real aptitude. i'm kind of a good-for-nothing midwit.

>>311057
It's a grinding game of having to keep throwing yourself at something until you get good and I don't have the work ethic for it. I think talent that makes someone learns fast definitely exists but most talent is probably more about being able to have fun or interest while grinding something.

>>311058
i think the class could be a lot of fun but comparison is the thief of joy. i have to be satisfied with being a 1x programmer instead of a 10x programmer in an age when super ai exists and is a 1000x programmer.

i should probably just focus on programming as a form of artistic expression instead of intellectual dick-measuring. maybe i will get back into programming games. i just don't know how i could live without trying to create something or learn how things work.

>>311057
Read SICP - they don't teach it at MIT anymore

>>311060
Yeah that's the talent I am talking about. Some people just happen to have the autistic obsession to do something all day without caring about other people or they're positive enough to not get discouraged by failures and persist until they get good. It's about mindset. Some people already start with a good mindset, some can change their mindset easily and some cannot.

Heya, I don't really know how to formulate this, but it is a feeling that has been nagging and gnawing at me for quite some time and only relatively recenty I can express with words.
I was probably an intelligent child, assumed to do great things, and expected to excel. This never happened in the public school system, where I did what was needed and that is that. When we started to receive grades for our work (13 year olds in Norway), I did OK, I never worked for antyhing and it went OK-ish.
I then went to high school equivalent, from 16-18 and also did OK. I got excellent grades in maths and physics and oral exam where we studied in a group.
Any part of life, i have given to authorities, what to do, what to feel, which rendered me an insignificant person. I am really nobody. I have no drive, ambition, wish, want or anything that you would assume a person to have.
I solely e xist to please some external authority, be it a parent, a boss at a workplace or psychiatrist. No drive is internal, everything is about "pleasing" some external factor which I project good (or bad) stuff onto.

I don't really know what I want to write here, it has been nagging on me, and I want to get it out. Shout it into an informal cloud of sorts.

It is an exhausting way to live, and quite frankly, I am tired of it. It has given me next to nothing and everything carries a sense of guilt and shame, where I owe pleasure and reassurance. Something I long to receive, but nobody ever gives. While individual events can be seen as fun, anytime it brings any sort of responsibility, I shy away from it. I would rather quit and never return if I am supposed to do otherwise. Be it play any role in a game with responsibility (tank in World of Warcraft, commander in Hell Let Loose, present anything at work).
I feel nothing but shame, a constant reminder of shortcomings and I believe that ties to my "brilliance". I am expected to excel. To be great at anything, to just do the right choices. Which brings me to my next point. I was (am) always expected to choose correctly, because you choose movement, and that affect the outcome. So it was built an expectation that I chose correctly outcome.
Think of it as a chess match, where you choose movement of pieces. If you choose poorly, yo might lose a piece or the entire game. In my sake, I am judged on the outcome, rather then the movement. So a brilliant mind, a grandmaster, can do a judgement and decide moving a piece is good.But.. It was not, it hung a piece and it was taken. Nobody (should) judge the person off of that movement, but for me? I chose the result. I chose that outcome as it was intended, and should be judged thereafter. I should not have any understanding or acceptance of choosing wrong, because I chose the result, I didn't choose to move the pieces.
Everyday, every time, that clouds me, that affects me and that hinders me.
I don't know, this is just some (EU) evening rambling and I don't really know where to go with this.

>>311061
i still haven't finished sicp but maybe i ought to.
>>311062
it turns out i was trying to solve the problems without reading the hidden hint boxes that make the problems dramatically easier to solve. i haven't done too bad considering.

Antinatalists in wizchan be like "Life is suffering. We need to end human existence so all suffering will end." and then you actually talk to normalfags and they hate suicide and MAID to the point of believing all MAID supporters evil and wanting to torture them. Guess the antinatalists were just suffering alone. Everybody else is fine with life. So be it then. Let trillions more humans and animals be born and let them experience all the pain they would experience. What's the point of feeling sorry for raped children or cartel torture victims and wishing for them to have never been born when they themselves would furious at you for even saying that? They want to be born. They deserve all deserve their suffering.

I really like just laying in bed or on the couch in silence. It's the best thing to do I could think of the last 15 years. I feel like there is really not much to do at all in life. They say I just lay around a lot even though I have a job
I don't know. There's not much to do I feel like. The only moment I think where a person actually is demanded to do something and carry responsibility is when you conceive a baby and become a parent. Other than that there's no duty no responsibility no need to do anything. I'm not so sure but I really don't know what else life has to offer or what the fuck people even do or what you are supposed to be doing. I feel this must be okay.

>>311088
I meant to finish SICP using common lisp instead of standard scheme, at least I finished A gentle introduction to symbolic computation without using ai, because I just use ai now to do my projects, saves a shitload of time

There's nothing I want more than to go back to the 2000's

>>311136
What would you do if you can actually go back?

>>311137
Enjoy society and the world being way better than it is right now & work on my autistic passion projects without being replaced by AI

Spent $70 on sex toys I'll never use but still got because total surveillance state is coming or something and wasted 12 hours not even edging proper but just browsing fetish related websites Again Award

Please God Please!!! M E R C Y

>>311040
>>311041
>60 days free and now my goose is begging to be chocked to h-games.
60 days is a good number, brother, specially if it's from sheer raw willpower. But
>my moment of weakness. Everytime I lose a streak I feel horrible for a week or so.
I am 90% sure that with addictions, regardless of their type, they have a "kindling" component similar to sedatives withdrawal. It's not even about the sedatives themselves, but something about the way Glutamate acts on your neurons, and memory or habit reinforcement. Willpower is more scarce than it seems. It's just fucking brutal, and kinda happens with depression too, just like today you got off to 1 big titty anime succubus, each load and orgasm irreversibly brings you closer to horsecock elf futas whispering mommy dom ASMR in your ears.

>And yet 60 days of nofap don't really bring much into my life. It's a carousel -
>I am either horniest ape in the jungle or completely impotent wretch with total anhedonia. Sometimes I am stuck in between, like today. It's hellish.
Exactly, when I am not in this gooner trance I'm just completely dead inside as well. I think people underestimate the actual physical toll these sessions have on the brain and body, even when you don't actually cum it's like having the gas floored 24/7, like right now I've been awake for 22 hours and I don't feel "tired" at all.

>>311041
>I feel I lose some piece of myself. Then again, when I was younger I didn't feel like that.
Quite literally there are only so many things that can make up a persons character, as we get older and lose hobbies and energy, that's how the process goes indeed.


>That is how I got myself into this mess. You can't just quit something you've been doing for 15 years straight, especially if that something is equal to crack in addictiveness.
I hate to admit it but the whole "all addictions are attempts at filling a hole(implies the hole is social connection)" is very very true. My degeneracy only got 10x as bad when I started feeling irreversibly alienated, once I had a quasiwaifu, an anime succubus that made my subhuman heart go doki doki, but that was long ago and that was replaced by bitterness and apathy.

>Every attempt to get rid of it is a lost cause for me because it's just a matter of time. I had a month, two months, three months streaks of nofap, noporn, but I crawled back eventually.
I still remember the times I deleted my porn collection, first when I was a teen and it was 10gb, then 250gb, today it's 4tb.

>My longest streak was about 180 days but I binged kratom daily and had no urge to jerk it. Didn't notice any significant changes, it was always there, the god damn snake
>kratom
Very interesting, my longest streaks were one year and half and almost two years but it was some disease and other stressors. Like I said, when I had that quasiwaifu and I felt in some way or form connected to her, it was bliss and I didn't need nor was forced into being a gooning monster, for 18 months. It's silly but even thinking "damn what would this or that person think about me if he knew or saw what I'm doing or thinking" helps inmensely. But I am long past the point of no return. Back then I had something remotely in common with the world, this 2d waifu, like youth and potential, today the idea is laughable and makes me want to kill myself and shun all escapist media like I don't know how the fuck some guys can remain deeply inmersed in Highschool anime or media or generally stuff that is the polar opposite of their current lives. It just makes me much more bitter. Not even music brings relief. Why THE FUCK should I be invested in fictional stories where the supposedly underdog character I was rooting for was akchyually the heir of the tribes most powerful family or some massive retardated plot? Congrats dude, you were BORN OP AS FUCK, you deserve it so much man truly you worked for it you magnificent nigger cunt.

Cheers to you fellow gooner, it's a hard and long road and in all honestly knowing the futility and pointlessness of it doesn't help. But I will still try to fight the urges

Took a short nap and a few pills of l-theanine and like 15g of glycine and tea. Feeling a little clearer now. It's really frightening how hard the dumbfucking rationalizations take hold of your mindspace "yeah sure bro it's ok if you buy that, you're not going to use it right, RIGHT??? why buy it then? uhhhhh just because okay!?" holy fucking shit just kill me already