>>320633shit, I feel the same way.
>i get cringe flashbacks of random embarrassing things i did in the pastsomething strange is that sometimes i feel as if i could see things in third person as if i were remembering it or seeing things from another angle, like a movie director and the truth this make me very embarrassed.
I know it is not a dissociation but sometimes I guess it is something related to excessive daydreaming but I am aware that I do it so it's not daydreaming.
i don't know if it's because i'm very disconnected from the social people or what, it feels weird when they talk to you because it's as if for a few seconds i start to exist and later their never talk again.
the worst thing that happens to me is to see that the people I talk to give me the feeling of being paranoid and not wanting to talk to me afterwards as if I did something wrong, they tell me I am serious and I don't talk much but I think they already know about avoidance (some of them are a bit like that too).
>i did create something akin to an imaginary girlfriend or tulpaone day i tried to write a fantasy novel and i created a paracosm and everything, i ended up obsessing with a deity character and some life advice or divine laws i invented for it. in the end i ended up forcing myself unconsciously before sleeping thinking about how that character would answer random questions and then i ended up having conversations with my internal monologue which was more like that tulpa with that kind therapeutic personality. it helped me to cope with sadness and loneliness for a while during the nights until one day i had a panic attack (others call it a mystical experience) in which i felt my inner monologue reveal itself and talk to me reciting those life advices from my fantasy book.
The funny thing is that it happened during the day while I was enjoying the sensation of the wind, the sun and the clouds and the grass and not in the solitude of the night.
i never heard voices or sounds, it was just like a sensation and my mind talking to me. the sensations i got were tactile like warmth or a tingling in the back of my neck and funny feel, the later panic attack was the typical of impending doom and problems to breathe, fear and a strange sensation in my chest together with an urge to cry.
that character was very idealistic and human, maybe that's why I liked it so much and I saw him in a therapeutic way.
then i read about the tulpas, the HGA guardian angel, the genius of golden dawn, and the experiential crossing of fantasy writers or jung's idea of anima (i dont like freudians and jung anyway) and i realized it was my mind or something i don't know.
Sometimes if I try to pretend to talk to it. I think the thing is still there but I have no interest in doing it again, although if it would help me I would do it again maybe.