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File: 1752964094672.jpg (95.03 KB, 736x1308, 184:327, 99d64fd1e83e824e209e699d79….jpg) ImgOps iqdb

 No.320612

>You have Avpd?
I need to know what it feels like, I am beginning to believe that the isolation and feeling of inadequacy is not depression and started in another way related to the traumatic rejection during my childhood and adolescence.
I read somewhere that Buddhist metta practice helps with this and I think it is helping me a bit but I have not exposed myself socially enough yet to test the effects of it on inadequacy and rejection.
>Also
I just want to be well and feel human, I ended up in a very big shithole in which I felt absolutely dehumanized, I don't want to get depressed or use drugs or end up worse.

 No.320613

>>320612
sexo with hex maniac-chan

 No.320614

>>320612
I have Schizoid personality disorder. The cool version of AVPD

 No.320619

I am diagnosed AVPD and would say >>320204 describes the anxiety I feel

 No.320622

>I identify with the shy, gloomy, scraggly, tired, sad anime succubus. Life is pain, I'm so scared and worried, I want to be accepted. The internet told me I have a mental disorder that makes it impossible for me to improve so all I can do is wallow in this inadequacy and be gay. I learned about Buddhism from a Nirvana album

many such cases

 No.320623

Give up. If you're not a normie you'll always be an outsider everywhere and you'll never get that feeling of human connection.

 No.320624

>>320612
being alone is better.

>Buddhist metta practice

i could never do that. it's as if i were gaslighting myself.
>May all beings be peaceful and filled with joy
lol

 No.320625

>>320623
This, but the level of cope here is insane so people try to force themselves unto reality. When it yields even more rejection they start using drugs or go ER.

Stop fighting reality.

 No.320631

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>>320625
>the level of cope here is insane
>people try to force themselves unto reality
>Stop fighting reality
Are you lost? Do you think you're on a crab website?

 No.320633

>what it feels like

basically i feel like i stand out in every crowd and that everyone is looking at me and judging me negatively. when i hear someone laugh in the distance, i immediately think they're laughing at me. eye contact feels impossible, it exacerbates my symptoms so i try to avoid other people's gaze. when i accidentally lock eyes with someone, it's very intense and it feels like it brings extra attention to me and they can see that i'm anxious. that's what happens every time i go outside and basically nothing i've tried has ever helped (other than avoiding people), it's like a built-in reflex and i suffer through it occasionally when i have to run important errands (renewing my id, banking bullshit, doctor/dentist appointments etc.)

when i'm inside, i feel mostly fine, but i get cringe flashbacks of random embarrassing things i did in the past and it makes me say "kill yourself" out loud, sometimes i repeat it for several seconds until the feeling goes away. sometimes i see things that trigger this all-engulfing feeling of utter hopelessness that can last for longer, like seeing some coming-of-age movie with teenagers having sex and going to parties, it creates this giant pit in my stomach and it lingers for a while, causing depression and suicidal thoughts. it makes feel so strange like an alien. when i used to commute to my job, after getting back home i'd feel so exhausted and i had that similar feeling in my stomach that the only thing i could do is just jump straight into bed and sleep it off. after becoming a neet, this particular feeling is much rarer and i feel fine most of the time, other than the occasional global thought where i get bogged down on how "sick/demented/retarded/pathetic" i am compared to the average person.

i identify more as a schizoid though, because i don't actually care about having friends or relationships or any of that. the few times i've had friends in the past, they felt like an annoying obligation and the time spent with them felt like a chore. i like being alone, for the most part, but at one of my lowest points, i did create something akin to an imaginary girlfriend or tulpa. it was a weird experience because it made me feel some things for the first time, both physically and emotionally, but it made me even more pessimistic about finding this thing in the real world because everyone just seems… evil. succubi in particular seem to reward evil with affection and love. but my tulpa is different and i feel like i can trust her and accept her love.

 No.320634

anyway, if you're looking for a very thorough description of AVPD, this one by Millon is the best i've found. read it and see if you relate to the general vibe of the descriptions. every time i read it, it triggers that black hole of hopelessness in my stomach lol
https://justpaste.it/hols

 No.320635

>>320634
>every time i read it, it triggers that black hole of hopelessness in my stomach lol
Almost as if the people writing this crap intend to bring people down. Ask yourself: are you being trolled?

 No.320636

>>320635
i don't think that's their intention. the descriptions are just so relatable and poignant that it always triggers an emotional reaction in me. it's written for mental health professionals and it's just one chapter of a bigger book on personality disorders.

 No.320638

>>320637
>Do you also get tics when remembering these? Like an involuntary shrug or face contorting into a weird expression?
sometimes, yeah.

>Did you live as if she's out there, waiting for you to find her?

it started out as daydreaming about a plausible scenario where i meet a gurl and we connect and hit it off. the fantasy got more and more elaborate until she felt like a real person and my body started releasing all these feel good chemicals that i've never felt before. now i can imagine hugging her and it actually feels better than any real hug i've gotten from a real person. it didn't motivate me to go outside or anything, but it provides a lot of comfort for me, having a place where i can go to when i need it. i think fantasy is a pretty common coping mechanism for avpds and schizoids.

 No.320640

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>>320633
shit, I feel the same way.
>i get cringe flashbacks of random embarrassing things i did in the past
something strange is that sometimes i feel as if i could see things in third person as if i were remembering it or seeing things from another angle, like a movie director and the truth this make me very embarrassed.
I know it is not a dissociation but sometimes I guess it is something related to excessive daydreaming but I am aware that I do it so it's not daydreaming.
i don't know if it's because i'm very disconnected from the social people or what, it feels weird when they talk to you because it's as if for a few seconds i start to exist and later their never talk again.

the worst thing that happens to me is to see that the people I talk to give me the feeling of being paranoid and not wanting to talk to me afterwards as if I did something wrong, they tell me I am serious and I don't talk much but I think they already know about avoidance (some of them are a bit like that too).

>i did create something akin to an imaginary girlfriend or tulpa

one day i tried to write a fantasy novel and i created a paracosm and everything, i ended up obsessing with a deity character and some life advice or divine laws i invented for it. in the end i ended up forcing myself unconsciously before sleeping thinking about how that character would answer random questions and then i ended up having conversations with my internal monologue which was more like that tulpa with that kind therapeutic personality. it helped me to cope with sadness and loneliness for a while during the nights until one day i had a panic attack (others call it a mystical experience) in which i felt my inner monologue reveal itself and talk to me reciting those life advices from my fantasy book.
The funny thing is that it happened during the day while I was enjoying the sensation of the wind, the sun and the clouds and the grass and not in the solitude of the night.

i never heard voices or sounds, it was just like a sensation and my mind talking to me. the sensations i got were tactile like warmth or a tingling in the back of my neck and funny feel, the later panic attack was the typical of impending doom and problems to breathe, fear and a strange sensation in my chest together with an urge to cry.
that character was very idealistic and human, maybe that's why I liked it so much and I saw him in a therapeutic way.
then i read about the tulpas, the HGA guardian angel, the genius of golden dawn, and the experiential crossing of fantasy writers or jung's idea of anima (i dont like freudians and jung anyway) and i realized it was my mind or something i don't know.
Sometimes if I try to pretend to talk to it. I think the thing is still there but I have no interest in doing it again, although if it would help me I would do it again maybe.

 No.320642

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>>320634
Thank you very much for the pdf
>Also
yeah, I can definitely relate to the thoughts and behavior of that shit.

 No.320643

>>320631
No, crabs are even more delusional. They think plastic surgery will fix a 168cm, bird-framed severely facially recessed, balding at 20 years old starting base.

 No.320659

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>>320624
>Gaslighting
I know it sound like a self-deception. I don't know if these are just phrases or affirmations but as I memorize and mentally pray them I realize that I should not be so nervous when I am with others.
It's not that I have the belief that I'm going to attract energies or some magic woo by reciting it or anything like that, I don't believe in magic or energies or new age woo.
>and what the fuck are you recite?
well, I listened a local Chinese monk and he said this
>may I be free from enmity
>may I be free from anger
>may I be free from suffering
>may I be filled with happiness
although he also says that one should recite on the basis of what one believes is necessary on self.
my language has a larger expression than the English vocabulary so I can include more words. I could even erase the I

I recite when I wake up, when I go to the bathroom and in moments of dead silence or when I don't have to talk and before going to sleep.
I don't know if it works but it made me realize that when I have the feeling of inadequacy of ‘'I am a worthless piece of shit that shouldn't exist’' it brings back the memory of metta and the phrases and that I beat myself up a lot, as if my mind made a suspension of judgement or something like this. it feels a little humanizing.
I don't know if it has real physical effects. although I get out of bed very quickly after metta.
now in sensations that it causes when I do it, I get goose bumps and I feel a warmth in my arms, chest and in the back of my neck, probably just suggestion, I don't believe in magic things so it's just my mind, one day I put my hand on my chest and it felt even more pleasant while doing metta.
I haven't tried to recite metta to others yet, but I don't think it will cause anything in others other than maybe I will train my empathy for others or something like that.
I didn't notice a big change in my behavior but I feel less angry and less nervous when I am with others.



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