/v9k/ - Dead

volcel9k

all is lost

die me die

die i die

baiskdfhwekgwrkg;;sdgh

i got nothing 2 say

0 2 say

oh man oh man

power rangers

damn this life

i was born

i died

exist i did

no no id dintg

seems like the only direction my life moves in is from bad to worse. And everytime I'm ready to make peace with the current status quo, things have to deteriorate.

As Schopenhauer says there is no pleasure, only removal of pain.

I wish for the removal of the current new pain, which would only get me back to last week, where I was already suicidal.

Bad to worse to worser, forever. But never a rock bottom. Just an infinite fall.

This is hell. Surely infinite nonexistence cant be worse than this.

so lets talk

well u know its kinda repetitive.

idk I think Ive basically figured this life thing out, probably for sometime already. I mean the ultimate conclusion of all this, is I suck, I'm doomed for suicide, suicide is the answer.

And there were little peaks of that from 2000 on whenever my Destiny didn't seem 2b working out, full blown after 2006 when my Destiny went down in flames, and with serious determination in 2009 when all substitutes had likewise failed.

So we're talking of 12 years of life sucks, lets suicide already.

And look if all things stay the same, looks like you will glide into 2019 as well. Its not like January is so special. So the months pass until another Jan slips by and its 2019 2020.

such is life.

well theres no mystery to it. Im relatively satsified in NEETopia, and I guess I'm just waiting for the shoe to drop and life 2 get much worse.

well i have a whole conversation while im talking walking to myself

and then by the time i get to v9k, im kinda meh about bothering to type it all up.

i mean sometimes seeing the words preserved on a screen helps spark some new insight as opposed to just dabbling in my brain.

idk i just circle around the same memories, of my rather uneventful life, the same watifs based off it, and maybe some abstractions and philosophizing built off those weak foundations

ehhhh guess we're not gonna be v9king today then.

well yada yada watif coulda been. oh wait its not so gr8, ur still a loser anyway. maybe this NEET life was the best option 4u after all. blah blah

One of my dreamjobs used to be "bounty hunter" which I guess gives an idea of the crazy macho action adventure fantasy lives I was still dreaming of in 2007

oh my hellish life just moves from bad to worser, so that I beg the Demiurge to just let me have what I had yesterday, even though yesterday I was already at suicide.

well we knew this deteroiration was natural. thats y we always said this NEET life was unsustainable, even beyond emotions and finances, on physical health alone.

it seems all my ailments have to disturb me, every waking second of my life and with no cure.

I'm too shy to see my medicaid doctor and have to face the reality of my shit health. id rather keep my head in the sand. so im wasting my free medicaid. but then again if i wasnt an anti-social maniac, i wouldnt be a NEET on medicaid on the 1st place.

ugh im so bored with myself, i dont even wanna v9k really.

blah blah it sucks, everything sucks.

i got nada more 2 say

Melancholy
Lust

>>4534
Yes most melancholy men are full of lust. If they did not lust like foolish crabs, they would find much to enjoy in this world.

Well whatya want me to do with my life?

i have no idea.

now the physical body is breaking down, the mental emotional pains are like nothing

well I see my task now is more a pro vita mea, an apolgia a defense of the life I have lived, as the best of all possible lives.

In a sense the watif couldabeens are no distraction from that, they are the method of proof, the mathematical proof of assuming the opposite, proof by contradiction.

I want to prove X, so I show the contradiction if not-X is true.

So I want to prove that my actual life, is the only life, and the best life that I could have lived once being born.

And so to prove it, I disprove all the alternative possible lives.

In a sense each wat-if negates all the other wat-ifs. For example as late as 2016, my alt-lives all snuck in some rising to power. Being someone of historic importance was so important to me.


So then I experimented with the wageslave for hobbies, watif life, and that negated all the glorious lives. Its a mundane normie life, with a boring normie job. The point is to use the $$$ to fund hobbies.

But then I decided that hobbies arent worth the wageslaving and I enjoy it enough for free NEETing unto suicide.

So then the HSHT watif took over. And the focus was not on the $$$, but on making my current hobby life sustainable, but with a job I would actually enjoy doing. And that was getting to monologue about history all day. HS History teacher.

That IE negated all the normie jobs. Don't want 2b some boring lawyer or accountant or bureacrat civil servant slaving for the dough.

The job has to be enjoyable in itself, something Id do for free.

And so that basically eliminated all the possible jobs, I had been experimenting in my past watifs.

So every watif helps eliminate the other watifs.

Then we explore it in extreme depth and detail and we negate it from within by 3 methods

1) Reality- turns out I actually did try this route and its a wat-was not wat-if and for its own reasons it didn't work out IRL despite being tried.

2) Unreality- showing how fantastic and delusional even so-called low-tier realistic imagined life paths are.

3) Dislike- showing even if I got my best case scenario watif, I wouldn't actually like it or be happy

well everything both good and bad, is research for suicide.

If you find yourself alienated from and not fitting in on Wizchan, I guess that shows what a special special snowflake you are. A misfit among the misfits.

Well for one it shows that you can't be defined purely negatively as a not-sexhaver not-friendhaver not-happy not-sexwanter not-jobwanter.

via negativa.

Well u can take someone who is an outcast, virgin, volcel, depressed, pessimist, anti-natalist, anti-sex, gnostic and instead of being my best wizfriend hes my worst wizenemy.

Well as specific as things like basement-dwelling and piss bottles might seem, in some ways they are extremely universal and say nothing of the particular individual.

Well think of an internet flame war, in which rival clans of basement dwelling pissbottlers fight each other as mortal enemies to the death. And even they have more unity with each other than u have with them. They are unified by whatever team or game they battle over.

whole damn internet and i cant find anything to do.

well im sick of reading and im not one for gaming.

back in the very old days, I could hop into a Yahoo or even AOL chat and talk about a common topic with instant responses. But these days chatrooms dont really exist anymore.

And u know even in a chat community devoted to something like history or philosophy, I find I dont really have much to say. Im a passive consumer I guess.

idk maybe I need to find more visual mediums instead of just words. Maybe look at some art or something

im really really bored with my internet time

idk there are times where wizchan felt so at home and cozy to me. I loved almost every board here.

Hob on my interests. Wiz for volcel pride. dep for pessimism, gnosticism, suicide, piss bottle NEETing anti-natalism. Lounge for what was ever on my mind.

Then it go sour and I'd leave for a while. And come back and ask why I ever left, and then 10 minutes later, oh yeah thats why.

But lately Ive felt no desire to come back. It seems like the elements I dont like have totally won out.

Or we're victims of our own success. We cleared out all the crabs. Now we can't whine about feelings. And so there isn't much left to talk about. We are all honorable volcels and not much to say about being honorable. And so it just becomes a general discussion image board like everywhere else on the web.

damn i really gotta find something to do with internet time.

well u can look at pictures for now.

idk it depends what u wanna do. u can read on topics ur interested in. there is a world outside of wikipedia.

i mean u havent googled up a new site in ages.

ummmmm

well games. i mean i like it very simple. my genius brain cant handle much management.

its weird i come up to the keyboard, thinking i have something 2 type, but ive discussed it in my head to shreads already and find myself with nothing 2 say

well its extremely repetitive.

maybe life isnt so bad. just had a nice indian buffett. id just be a history teacher enjoy the small pleasures of life. be a happy volcel. make casual chitchat a few hours at the gym each day. thats better than intimate friendship anyway.

sounds nice.

then i break it all down. say its unrealistic, could never happen, wouldnt be great even if it did happen

yada yada

back when i was suicidal in 2009, even the world top records music video were released in 480p

well im here to v9k

well maybe today will be the day i actually have the time to v9k

well im so out of it. i mean everything i know about normies come from wizchan and tv. that should be the end of all watifs. i mean im such an autistic martian that i dont even know what friendship is. like i have to guess what friends do together. do they just sit around on a couch watching tv and talkimg? idk

martian aspie anthropologist.

well so we killed all watifs. this life is all i could ever know. its my neetopia. but my physical body is breaking down and ill have 2 suicide anyway.

its all so repetitive

I got triggered. Now Im full of hate for my life, hate for who Im. hate for this life I was given that I dont want to call mine.

I refuse to play the role in the play that Fate Destiny Throwness assigned me. I quit! I wont play!

Well u shouldnt get triggered so easily. Thats just reality. U dont hate it because its false but because its true. And if it is reality, what can u do about it? It justifies the semi-hermit decision of urs, 2 withdraw from life.

if its all sunshine and rainbows, what a fool are you, for going hermit. its thunderstorms and misery!

yeah im a long way from epictetus. stoically play any role the writer has assigned to you, be it Prince or Slave.

Im more the type to rant i HATE HATE HATE being a slave. I will hold my breath till I turn blue.

Give me what I want or I'll kill myself.

I hate this person I was given responsibility for.

I hate me.

And so if u have some bad things 2 say about me. u wont find me defending me. i hate me too.

as if I can just blame it all on genes and enviroment and destiny. And act like choice, very idiosyncratic choices, have no role to play.

well none of my choices could go against the gravity of my life anyway. and it they were batshit insane, its cuz i got an insane brain. and dats genes.

well there is reality in this. we cant just always pretend everything is flowers with these stupid watif couldabeens.

I dont want 2b the happy passive virginerd who just accepts his place in life.

I mean Im willing 2b a virgin, sure. But the angry righteous volcel prophet railing jerimiads against a corrupt decadent society babylon.

If Im just live and let live with babylon, then why am I volcel, why am I virgin? Then Im crab.

Anyway all these DECADES of intellectualizing, 10000 pages, and it only gets u 2 sqaure one of crab. Look at ER. He 100% accepts the ideology of sex and $$$, he just wants some for himself. So I have to take decades and 300 fat textbooks to get u2 understand that libertine society of sex and $$$ isn't so bad. Well thats just crab square one. They all accept the ideology. But society doesn't accept them.

And hey we can get all Freudian and say deep down I knew I was crab all along, and this is all a volcel defense mechanism, sour graping, to reject a society that rejected me FIRST.

well maybe.

idk i have no ego honor to defend.

everything bad about me is probably, definitely true and then some

welp another day of whining and complaining to myself

in just my walk over here, I was reminded that I really hate casual chitchat smalltalk.

I mean so many of these watifs are about being more social. But my nature really is to shrink away from it.

I mean this NEET semi-hermit life, its the real me. Its my social gravity. Its what I tend towards.

In Aristotelian physics its my natural home

I always talk it all out in my head and then have nothing to say by the time I get here

gonna be alone for the next 2 weeks. parents out. this is when i sometimes fall into an even blacker pit of depression.

its a shame these v9k issues are coming up right now, when i least need them but i will just say no to v9k.

im not gonna deal with these issues right now.

im just gonna enjoy some youtube video essays

sometimes i get too consumed by the rage and depression

Do I have the worst life in the world?

well as my physical body breaks down, Im reminded that we ought to be grateful for all the pains we dont have.

i mean being born into the 1st world 1990s was a priviledge.

maybe i shoulda been more content with just NEETing and enjoying my hobbies.

but it was never sustainable. and eventually i would have to wageslave, suicide or homeless.

i mean the last few months i have been trying to enjoy what i have more. figures when i retire from life just to enjoy audiobooks and music, that would be just the perfect times for my eardrums to blow out, and tinitis. hearing loss.

blind, deaf and dumb. Well not totally dumb (mute), but hampered by a retard lisp and avoidant anxiety.

well its the cheapass in me. squeeze every penny. why dispose of a perfectly healthy young body in 2013. now im just dumping a heap of used up junk. squeezed all the juice out of me.

well y should i care if im serious about suiciding in 2018? and if not. fuck me. well y fuck me? i mean theres no magic in 2018 or the month of December.

ull call me a hypocrite who loves life. but hey I have found some hobbies, that while not great, let the days go by in comfort. so y blame me for enjoying what i can in whatever time i have left? im not in a rush to die. but if tomoro u tell me the time has come. ill take the leap.

I mean its not the worst life in the world. but the thing about being middle class is the only thing u inherit is opprotunity. and it takes a lot of striving and gusto just to stand still. and i just didnt have the motivation for it.

maybe its crabby. idl. normies do a lot of boring shitty jobs. what motivates them? is it all sex and friends?

what do normies live for?

what do u even want out of life?

idk idk

look tons of people kill themselves over social reasons. how can they compete with me, who has had 0 socialization over 30 years? without ever being diagnosed with anything. not being mute. and making numerous attempts to change my situation since Yeltsin was President.

i mean most people dont kill themselves because they are low income, but because of various social triggers. so how can they compete with someone who is just a 0 from birth to deaath?


maybe u shoulda seen a therapist sometime along tis path.

i mean therapists arent miracle workers. but if ur so distressed, over what is IE a personal disorder, maybe u shoulda taken a swing at it. Not just in 1994, but maybe in 2009 or now.

u always said u didnt want 2b fixed. u didnt want 2b semi-functional. but maybe u do. idk.

well its too late now. the ship has long sailed on the HSHT option, IF it was ever a real and good optin

well its darwinism. not everyone can win. survival of the fittest, ur unfit. winners and losers. there has 2b a biggest loser and its u.

no magick to it.

so just get off this rock.

well i have an inertia lazy personality. so until pushed i dont jump. and here im.

well ive gotten so many extra years than i originally planned, years that have only confirmed that the world is worse than i ever coulda imagined. so theres no regret in death. maybe i regret not dying sooner and happier.

its all extra years. years id been better off not having.

so die when u have a chance

god damned darwinian universe. not one id want 2b born into

do u want to talk about how the whole history of the world all lead up to u being depressed on v9k right now or nah?

it really dont matter. if i kill myself for a good reason or a bad reason, as long as im dead.

it could just be for some autard schizoid reason, like i think the whirlpool is a wormwhole to some scifi dimension adventure or some shit.

die believing something happy. and for all u know, it'll be true on the other side. no one to tell u wrong.

overintellectual materialist anti-natalism aint gonna help ya

I never really liked being around people. And if I ever did the opposite, it was going against my natural gravity, because I felt pressured to. It was not something that came naturally.

yeah yeah thats just introversion. but thats just the tip of the assberg of all the things wrong with u.

this universe is so strange to me.

god i cringe and cant make sense of the thought process of teen me.

perhaps the 80 year old me, who will never exist, would likewise cringe at me now.

well i cringe at me now. i understand the normie perspective or at least i think i do. but what do i really know? it was all taught to me by wizchan.

maybe at 15 i didnt know what i did wrong. now i get everything i do is wrong. but i got no idea how to fix it.

I mean at least u werent physically bullied in HS, it seems inevitable for someone of ur personality in most HS.

well i guess even the things i should be grateful for, dont really help me now.

maybe i would have changed my personality, and not felt so free to be a weirdo.

oh who am i kidding. im not the type to toughen up under pressure.

it all sucks. i just wish i wasnt born this person.


i dont want the responsibility of me

no one has understood humanity less than me.

well if u admit that much, then have some episteological humbleness and stop worrying about what apes do. u dont get them. dont kno em. dont pretend u do.

i know that i know nada.

if im just an objectively inferior being that has no subjective understadning of humanity.

then there is nothing 2 whine about

this evil darwingod decided i had 2b born as this shit

darwinurge

demiurwin?

nah i dont think demiurge and darwin merge together well.

but yeah i hate this being i was born 2b.

but i suppose in some sense im responsible for it. i coulda been a volcel catholic monk or something if i had the drive for it. that was a choice.

i mean this life is better than starving or being tortured to death.

the relative and the absolute.

yeah u can find many lives worse than mine.

but mine still isnt worth living.

ahhh this shitty person who is me.

but what gives u the right to speak in 3rd person?

u make choices, ur responsible for this life.

no its not me.

well i wont concern myself with humans.

i dont get em, and every social interaction ive ever had with em, just proves how zero i know.

ahhh universe u cant give me a little break. u have to shove all the filth in my face.

well i dont care. im just a military history autist that memorizes the specs of the tanks as Kursk

cant believe im spending my vacation time on v9k

but who am i kidding. i got 0 better 2 do than 2 talk 2 myself about myself.

well i find that talking in my head, is easier than typing it all up anyway, and i dont even need a PC for it.

does typing add anything?

idk i guess it provides a material record of what i was thinking at a specific date.

and maybe it makes it more solid than just floating around in my brain. something concrete to bounce ideas off.

idk i guess ive talked about it 2 myself in my head so much, that by the time i sit down 2 write, it seems pointless.

if i actually lived a life, i think id like to keep a diary. after all whats the point of living a life, if u forget it all? id keep a diary, and a dream diary. after all 1/3 of our life is spent in dreaming.

i dreamed i lead a student riot over not being let into some talk back in HS or even JRHS. And then something about fat llyod and an advanced history course.

sigh, the characters in my dreams are still from 2000-6. Characters I haven't seen in AT LEAST 12 years, some of them I barely saw SR year 06 anyway.

boy thats sad. the only characters in ur dreams are from 12+ years ago. havent seen them since. the last time, peers were forced by state law to spend time with me imprisoned in class together. boy, that just says it all. end the v9king right there. what else is there to say about ur pathetic life?

what is so bad and repulsive about me?

why couldn't one human being in the world just be nice to me?

Im not a crab begging for a gf. OK maybe I'm begging for a guy friend. Even many Wizchanners have that. Like why couldn't I find one guy int he world to just talk /hob/ stuff with. Thats all I wanted out of humanity.

I'm the Elliot Rodger to Elliot Rodger. He talks about male friends like they are nothing. The same way hes the niceguy Supreme Gentleman who doesn't understand why gfs go for chads who disgard them. Elliot makes new college friends and goes to the movies with them, effortlessly like its nothing. And he talks about what annoying nerds, who wont get him a gf they are. Asshole crab like Elliot picks up guyfriends like nothing. At 1st I thought most of his friends were just Warcraft buddies from his normie days K-8. But no, even alone in college, he effortlessly makes new male friends, without even wanting them.

Im not just a monolguer. Im a good listener. I let the homeless lady at the train station, and the schizoid conspiracy nut at the McDonalds make conversation with me. And I listen and I enage them. I'll talk about any topic, any interest. I'll listen I'll give feedback. I'll read up the wikipedia on whatever you're interest is, and try to give insight.

yeah yeah im such a perfect conversationalist. ready to listen and dialogue. talk about any of YOUR interests.

but I guess i just give off that Aspergers phermomee that makes me universally repulsive to all, even other losers, who I think should be grateful for my conversation.

U can walk into a crowded auditorium, and hold a crowd, make them laugh, make them cheer, engage them 1 on 1 and in a group. But u cant make a single friend.

And its not like I sat on my hands all these years.

ur a crab for malefriends. gfs u dont even bother with.

its amazing 2b this friendless.

idk. im so autistic that idk what that X factor is that makes me so repuslive.

so basically all ur watifs come down to the HSHT job now. Lets say for a moment that u tried it and it was a miserable failure. Certainly plausible. In an urban setting quite easily, we can see u being bullied by ur own students. And even in ur suburban AP Euro dream scenario, its easy to imagine u growing 2 hate ur students, despising them, dreading em, and hating being around em, and all ur intellectualizing about "getting paid to talk warcraft" or "Watching the live teen dramedy" wont cut it.

Certainly plausible scenarios.

Then what, then u truly are lost. I mean we shot down most other careers and the hobbying life. U see how empty ur human contact is. U have no motive or drive to live 4.

So if we cancel out the HSHT gig as a real possibility. Then there is not a single job ud want 2 do. and u truly are lost.

well then maybe my actual path makes sense. live in delusion as long as possible. and once that bubble bursts. research for suicide, while enjoying ur NEETopia hobbies.

yeah theres a logic to it.

i mean i still think all that intensity patton stuff was a waste. why not be a slacker from the start? take a chill pill, relax. dont take lifeshit so seriously.

yeah but that might not be ur 1st natural reaction 2 learning ur losershit doomed 2 fail.

severe suicide depression, seems more natural 2 ur type.

i mean this 2018 me, is a personality cut down from decades of endless failure. its not who i was in HS.

im not defending teen me. I mean my disorded schizoid thinking is just so bizaare that 2018 me can hardly wrap my head around it.

but it is who i was.

I feel like we're everything and nothing at the same time. What most fucks with my mind is the duality omnipresent in the material world.

A sane person would refer to himself always talking in third person

you've had too many

Hello. I don't know how to say what I want but I will try my best, sorry if I don't make any sense or make any grammatical errors.
I want to work for those who are mega-rich and those who are mega-rich + very influential, I want to be very close to these people and be able to make them do or take things they would not take from a random person. I don't know which job would be best to be able to work for these people since they probably only take people who, not only are the very best, also know them or someone they know personally.
When I say I want to work for the rich, I mean all of them. Politicians, Oil barons, pharmaceutical business men, tech gurus, etc; I want to work for those involved in American politics+business as well as those involved in Chinese politics+business, EU politics+business, Russian politics+business, all of them.
I am studying for medical school since my parents want me to get into a medical related job, but I don't know which medical/medicine job to take when I am done. Due to wanting to be able to work with the rich and also be able to be very close to them in private without anyone else being with them, I am thinking of becoming a surgeon or anaesthetist as I would be super close to these people and be alone + do whatever I want to them, but I would need to be SUPER good and also be super lucky to even get close to these guys.
So what job would be the best for this purpose and what exactly would one need to do, what places would be best for meeting these people and have them hire me to do tasks for them?