/wiz/ - Wizardry

For what it's worth, this is how I compare (not green means I don't relate):

>be me, typical weirdo loner type
>"gifted" in elementary school, bullied, no friends, etc.
chased succubi and got rejected constantly
dad was hard on me and I felt like he never understood me so I ended up spending most of my time alone on the internet which just made me weirder
>loved reading as a kid, could read all day
>around 4th grade or so, something happens to my brain
>look at the words on the page and understand all of them, yet can't form images in my imagination anymore
>lose interest in reading and spend all my time gaming and exploring 2000's era internet
>fail classes in middle and high school, somehow manage to get through with a 3.0 GPA and bare minimum effort
>at this point I still have no friends or social life
>don't care, i'd rather just browse imageboards all day
>post high-school, fall into a deep anhedonic depression unlike anything I had experienced before
>can't even enjoy games anymore, anime is boring and gay, etc.
go to bed early most nights or sit and stare at the wall
(I drank alcohol in my car, story below)
>tried meditation, learn2code, self-improvement, etc.
>still feel empty inside
at this point, I was working in an office which I hated so I quit to work at a warehouse
>meanwhile my younger brother is about to finish high school with enough credits to enter college as a junior, has a >4.0 GPA, runs varsity cross country as a team captain, etc.
(not exactly this, but I also have a turbonormie brother who is the exact opposite of me in terms of success)
>prefer wageslaving to NEETing because at least it's a distraction, still living in parents' basement
(I wageslave so that my parents give me peace)
at this point I had been taking kratom 1-2x a week since I was a junior in high school
(I have a similar drug story, though less important)

After I finished school, I went to a university, but I kept failing and couldn't get past the second year. This went on for 6 years, then I pretended to keep studying for another year. In reality, every morning I took my car like I normally would, but I drove to some quiet place and stayed there. For the first few months I read books, then I started drinking vodka while reading in the car. My plan was that I would keep this up until I ran out of money (I had some savings from summer jobs), then I would an hero. When I stopped caring altogether, I started bringing my laptop to the car with me and I watched anime while drinking instead of reading. In the end, I could not bring myself to the sudoku, and when money got tight, I confessed to my parents that I failed yet another year of university. They got a little aggressive and started pushing questions like what was I going to do then, so I sperged out, locked myself in the bathroom, and told them to fuck off. Things calmed down and they gave me a choice - either I get a job or GTFO.

I tried a few lowest shitty McJobs like food delivery and the warehouse, and while the work itself was okay, the normalfags there took all the good tasks for themselves and made me do the dirty work all the time. Since I didn't really need money and could work for scraps anyway, I tried for an internship at an office, thinking at least I wouldn't have to do physical labour. That proved to be a good choice, as I turned out to be quite competent at the office work, and that workplace kept me on full-time employment. That's what I've been doing up to now.

Then I got access to weed, and I smoked whenever I could. It made me lose motivation to do anything other than drag myself to work and smoke in secret in the evenings. I lost a lot of stuff because I didn't care and let things and family bonds decay. Then I also got access to mushrooms and occasionally added them to doing weed. Almost every place on the internet advises against mixing mushrooms and weed, but I went ahead and did it anyway because for as long as I remember I've been self-destructive and hated myself. It felt extremely good, like the weed took away all unpleasant effects of mushrooms. Despite all the warnings, I can't say this has had any negative consequences. Would do it again if I had the opportunity tbh, though I've always had kind of a bulletproof mind, never had a single bad trip. A few months ago, I lost access to weed and stayed clean since then. One good thing that came from all this is that I stopped drinking alcohol. It just doesn't compare to weed, is detrimental to health, and a waste of time.


I never told anyone irl about the drinking instead of studying, and about the drugs. So I know your situation is worse since you came forward and admitted to everything. But my point is that you can still restart your life from scratch. It's not the end of the world, but you would have to start very small. Put aside everything you're used to for now and focus only on your current situation. Avoid making assumptions like "they won't hire me" or "this won't work". You have very little to lose, so you can try a lot of stuff, and every "fail" will actually add to your experience, and make you stronger if you learn from it. I'm sure your parents will look at you more favorably if you show incentive and start doing something, anything at all other than neeting. You can also try for neetbux, but I know nothing about that.

But first, you must let go of your habits, pleasures and expectations. That's the most important part.

>>221363
Cool story wiz. Surprising how similar we are. I also pretended to go to school and either sit in parking lot with a book or in the school library. Once I realized I just wasn't capable of school for whatever reason, I dropped out. I also had a problem with weed and switched to kratom thinking it was "better". I would use it in secret every night and eat fast food in my truck while watching TV on my phone. Now my parents have forced me to enroll in school again and I've been doing the same sort of shit, just waiting until I can get some money back and find a place to live by myself.

>>221365
This has to be some kind of universal behavior for non-neurotypicals since I've read it happen countless times.

For me, it was pretending to be at school while I was exploring the forest.

My best friend who has aspergers went to see movies 9.30 in the morning when the cinema opened. He'd watch two then go home. He had hundreds of movie ticket stubsz

>>221366
how did you meet your best friend?

>>221366
Reminds me of the Japanese hiki guy who lived in a tiny one room house and would skip school and sit in an alley all day. Wish I saved his site.

The only time I skipped school was when there was a trip so I pretended to go then walked around the city for hours instead.

>>221366
Oh that is literally me. I used to skip school when it felt particularly unbearable and just went to morning movies, sometimes 2 in a row, often completely empty except me. It was good times, at least I felt something then.

I've had problems with kratom, too. For the past few years, I've "luckily" been unable to get it due to having no money. Whenever I do have some cash, I go straight to a vape shop here in town and buy kratom.

I always tell myself I'll use it sparingly and will make it last. But I *always* take a little, wait half an hour, think "I'm not feeling it yet" and take another small amount. And then I repeat this over and over, and I never get the good feelings that kratom would give me 5 years ago.
Nowadays it's like… I either don't feel anything from the kratom at all, or I get extremely nauseated and want to vomit. I've read that vomiting can make you feel better, but my body has some freak dysfunction and I just can't throw up. My body refuses to vomit, even if I can feel something trying to come up and can even taste bile. Sticking fingers or toothbrush to the back of my throat doesn't work, either.
(I also am unable to burp, which relies on the same throat sphincter as vomiting!)

I heard about 7-OH recently but was surprised to learn it is illegal in my state (Oklahoma). Kratom itself is perfectly legal, as are most extracts, but apparently anything that has too much 7-OH is not legal here.
That's probably for the best, in my case, because I doubt I'd be able to control myself.

I want to add that I'm so stupid that I keep paying vape-store prices. A 100g pouch at the store is almost $30; the same pouch from online vendors is around $12-$15 or so. But since I'm always broke, once I DO get some cash, I immediately run out and buy kratom. I tell myself "this will just hold me over until I buy a prepaid card and use the card to buy kratom online".

But of course I put it off out of laziness and the cycle repeats.

>>221372
Don't try extract. Much more expensive and destructive habit

>>221369
Same. I think since the human condition and brain wiring is so universal, the same behaviors manifest in all non-NT's all over the world.

School just isn't made for people like us.
I still have like 300 movie stubs stashed away from my early to mid teens.