/dep/ - Depression

at least 1 person read this.
don't have much to say, you lost the lotto in life. I hate this world.
I've been suicidal for 20 years, also a coward. maybe I'm just too damn curious to continue my life.
I don't want to talk, I'm not suicidal right now. you can try traintracks. bring beer and earplugs.
I tried that. was drinking right next to trains going by all the time. and I still couldn't do it.
Now I'm thinking a nailgun might do it. nailgun in ear, if nails are long enough.
for you, maybe helium.
39 yr old gay virgin
will never experience life like it's supposed to be.
will never experience excitement and true peace.
will never be who I could have been.
life was supposed to be way easy for me.

I am thankful that I do mat have to suffer agony of many illnesses (at least now), so I can wait for my death patiently and without too much thoughts or emotions. Unlike for you, my death sentence is made and I even know more or less the deadline after which I will be 100% dead. Kind of makes it easier because you know you don't need to bother with any of "struggle" bullshit normalfags shill. Just give me my death already and leave me alone I have enough hate for this world that if I had a fucking nuclear depot I would blast it with no hesitation and no remorse.

why can't we just die already? is some evil god really just observing us suffer? our souls should never have been bound to these disgusting bodies. i am furious that i am still alive and that the only way out is through violence against myself.

OP, my supposedly “best years” of my life were spent always alone standing on the sidelines while everyone else was out socializing, having fun, meeting new people, travelling, etc. I never felt like my time was running out, ever. But I always felt like I didn't belong anywhere now I do and I feel a pressure for having done things differently but it's too late and don't know how and I'm too tired of life.

>>285622
If you were really committed you would have kys already, this feels like a cry for help, yes life fucking sucks and it's unfair but sex isn't and shouldn't be a goal. Try some drugs at least before ending it so your brain can at least know what it's like to have a flood of euphoria from massive neurotransmitter release

>>285747
i feel shame for this post holy fucking shit

>>285748
what did it say?

>>285792
nevermind. in fact, i do not remember what it said. perhaps sheer level of shame blocked all memories about it the moment i deleted it so can be happy again thinking about suicide daily

>>285841
you act like an attentionwhore.

>>285843
fuck off

im in same boat. i have too many medical conditions to list. the worst of which are these: im low IQ so i used to try to do something and fail, i have barrett's esophagus and gerd from anxiety so i cant even get drunk anymore i can barely even eat a sandwich, all my teeth are rotting cant afford to do anything about that. thats my primary issue i think, is the teeth. i have welfare insurance but they wont give you a penny for teeth, so thats whats going to kill me.

i have to wageslave to avoid homelessness and i take my grandma's painkillers on my bad days or i just cant make it.(she doesnt mind, she doesnt take them. im not a sociopath stealing from old succubi.) but a lot of days are bad days, so im scared im addicted soon if im not already.
reading books while im high is the only time im happy.

>>285848
sounds horrible wiz. fixing teeth is ridiculously expensive.

Fuck health issues.

I hate feeling so subhuman and weak. Whenever I watch a post-apocalyptic movie I just get reminded how I would not survive without the comforts and medical care of modern society.

It's "blackpilling" to find out how clueless medicine actually is about many illnesses. You can feel like shit with perceivable symptoms and scans will show nothing so doctors won't know what to do.

And because doctors are so overworked if you try to ask questions and get to the bottom of it they will just get annoyed.

I'm still "young" but I feel like 80. I would like to do so many things but I feel like my health blocks all of it.

I felt like I was going to seize from alcohol withdrawal yesterday morning. I drank a 750 the day before. At this point my only hope is having a seizure and cracking my head in something. I hate life.

I've been thinking that a peaceful and organized society would be the best thing for all of us wizards, evolutionary speaking, since humans are social animals capable of organizing great social and hierarchical structures, yet females pick selfish men with dark triad traits or men who take steroids which shortens their lifespan. Men who bully others and display antisocial behavior. Men who loot, kill, murder, rape, etc. Under feminism, all wizards lose. It even becomes harder to get a job as a wiz because females get preference. Females are literally animals. They just pick what they want, and picking "the best" has nothing to do with that. Being attractive doesn't mean the most adaptable.

>>285879
True, but fuck off to /r9k/.

>>285879
the problem is on both sides. if the succubi you described were shunned they would die off and peace would establish, but it appears males are just as stupid as females, so there's little you can do, crab. wizards loose no matter what. we need a wizard-only society, there would be universal wizhappiness

>>285617
Suicide is so hard to actually do in practice, that it's the only reason we're still here.

I got NEETbux though, you might consider obtaining that, if you have enough mental health "illnesses" officially, they might give it to you. So you won't be homeless in the future.

In any case, this is not the board for those really at the end of the line. Such boards do not exist because if you are really that fucked up like me you simply do not care about online communities anymore.

I still browse here and other places anyway every now and then because you can still find some gems, some good posts, sometimes.

But it's not anymore about talking, discussing, it's just to data hoard some nice posts, you know.

>>285891
>you know.
yes. for me it's kinda relapsing when i just read random post in huge quantity and pour out my random thoughts (read my shit). it's not even about talking. i feel like an automaton

At this point I hate happy communities because I'm not part of them. I understand this hate is dumb and unjustified but since it's not mine anyway it doesn't matter.

>>285879

It's delusional to think the majority of succubi have a preference for men like this. succubi will date anyone, but their main preference is for men who have large social networks. You need to be popular essentially. This is what they select for along with other traits related to being socially successful like gregariousness. "Bullying others" is a sign of social dominance. Social dominance is one aspect of social status and one that succubi are highly attracted to but it doesn't mean you need to be some sort of psychopath. You could get a job as a boss or something and achieve similar results. The majority of men are not socially dominant so succubi are clearly fine dating men who aren't. Anything that can make a man a good provider is attractive to them, including being cooperative and understanding. They like men who are sensitive and caring, but they won't be attracted to that enough to overcome the repulsion they feel from men who are low status and don't have many friends. If no one likes you, your life will suck you will always be poor and servile and unable to get the things from society that you want. Clearly this is not a good provider type, but the person who can easily convince others to do what he wants will skate through life on easy mode, so this is why succubi are attracted to social skills above all else. As highly social creatures, social status is everything for survival and reproductive outcomes.

My country is the wealthiest in the world and we could easily provide free health care for everyone, but for some reason we've chosen not to. I guess we believe that the poor deserve to suffer and die in the US. Shit is depressing.

>>285643
Same shit faggot. They think I'm serial about treason or some shit. They've been serving them all over in my area to spite me too. It's a Holocaust for many. Real. USA. My health improved temporarily but I'm boned no matter what. Thought I was dying now but apparently later. I just want to hold on for more. They gonna fuck me up. I never even had a chance, giga fed wants me to die. I flail when they do it.
I watched them serve a lethal warrant once she was kind of a troublemaker and she didn't live at all after the date… Just cried and died. I sobbed. Fundamental rights do not exist.
I'm SO scared though, the thought of hitting a bowl of crack or weed whatever and loading in that game over ambulance for the straps for dismemberment or the pick at the ward… I'm not fond of it. Nuh uh. Makes me sick 100%. I'll have to go on ghb and acid or something. I can't handle it. What if my mom bawls and kills herself? Where were my kids? Why do I have to be the victim? Many statements that I don't agree with and imposition.

I just masturbate now. Don't care about anything.

>>285617
So you have hundreds of ailments, and the doctors you paid for couldn't tell you what was wrong with you? Pain is in the eye of the beholder, but hypochondria might well be the correct diagnosis. It manifests in quite physical ways. If you also have an exacerbated condition of the nervous system, you might well have spiraled. An addiction to Xanax will only further the progression.

>>286102
no, i spent half a year going to doctors when i had different issues(i have unconfirmable asthma/copd cause every doc has a different opinion, no visible heart condition, NAFLD, huge scoliosis, crooked nose, possible IBS, huge dust allergy, shortsighteedness+astigmatism+squint, and i probably forgot half the rest. I also had stroke-like and heart-attack like symptoms 10+ times already.), which started soon after an unspecified infection. Then after i exhausted all my resources my symptoms switched to new ones that i couldn't afford to even diagnose or treat anymore since i was all out of energy money and out of my mind. Life is funny like that, no?
My symptoms are sadly very real, i lost like 35kg within a year/might have been a few months, have a whole host of gastrological symptoms, and progressive weakness along with everything u could think of e.g. heart arythmias and breathing problems and fucked up teeth etc.
Of course you can always choose to believe in the 0.01% chance that is psychosomatic to try to fool yourself, but u can only do it so much when the pain is obviously real and going to crush you mentally and kill you physically eventually.
Well, whatever. I keep taking benzos because i can think better since they lessen the fear, but they cant fix anything cause my problems are physical.
Most likely my main problem is fucked up diseases of the digestive tracks+huge mineral deficiencies, maybe some form of diabetes. My head is spinning like crazy again and whatever im tired of writing about this, talking about this, i dont even want to see anyone, doctors never give a single fuck about patients, my whole family is useless 80 iq and penniless, worthless pieces of shit. I have no one to turn to except to death as usual, and i'm dying this month for sure.

>>286319
See you Space Cowboy.

We are spiritually superior than these vomit inducing sexhavers. I mean honestly these people don't have a clue in the fucking world. I see them as barely sentient, barely cognitive. Just filthy animals that act on every impulse they have. Not a single second of higher thought that is going on in their smooth brains. On the levels of consciousness, these people are the lowest of the low and you can feel that spiritual subhumanity when you are talking to them.

breath hold to the utmost, it will heal anything, regrow limbs

Can't see myself making a future worth any respite, what with getting perpetually sick to a point putting me on the verge of self-annihilation, being inflicted by a form of mental retardation and otherwise feeling cripplingly horrible every other day.
I wouldn't even be alive, right now, provided immediate access to medicine wasn't a thing; this all the more when I couldn't stop vomiting and experiencing seizures from a very young age.
Without a doubt, the domestication of man, that we aren't confined to the order and staunch preference of nature, is basically what keeps genetic trash like myself alive, else I'd -and probably a great many others, as unfortunate as that is- die by being eaten by a lion or something, maybe get caught up in the crossfire of some war or rot away in a coal mine.

It's hard to swallow, you know. The acknowledgement that you quite literally do not posses the naturality with which to live in much the same way deformed and lowborn children in Sparta, several hundreds of years ago, were thrown out as veritable refuse, recognized as unfit to live.
Just imagine that: 'Sorry, anon, but we've found you aren't fit to live!'
–And worse yet, it's true.
True that, compared to peers, you do not deserve the life you have and that, somehow, you ARE in possession of it, this 'enigma'(a life that shouldn't be, a life undeserved that you continue to experience) will always be course corrected by the forces that be.

How is it -this force- trying to course correct you?
By accelerating your death; by terminating the enigma hence,

-For those with a burning desire to find partners, you don't, since that'd be a propagation of further failures. The enigma has to be course corrected.
-For those trying to find happiness, you don't, since that can ensue in your trying to live longer, in order to pursue said happiness. Your life is being prolonged. The enigma has to be course corrected.
-For those trying to seclude themselves, you're discouraged, since that means you won't have the public, by and large, continuously drilling into you, that you must die. Solitude and Isolation. The enigma has to be course corrected.
-For those trying to succeed academically, that they may find a worthwhile job, and just live without back breaking labor, you don't achieve this, because it'd mean you find stability, and thus a prolongation of your life. This can't be allowed. The enigma must be course corrected.
-For those trying to lessen their ugliness, you're not allowed, as with statement (II). The enigma must be course corrected.

Well, that's life, I guess.
Another observation of the void, I guess.

>>286319
>i have unconfirmable asthma/copd cause every doc has a different opinion
Currently going through something similar. This post is my nightmare happening in real time. I really hope it's just a bad case of recurring Bronchitis, two weeks of antibiotics and steroids haven't helped much. These past two months, I have felt like a dead man walking. Hopefully the next doc appt will lead an end to this.

I just feel like I'm made of such poor material, made of shit. I can eat the exact same food as a chad, but the DNA organizes his body and brain well, but organizes me into shit. The whole blueprint is wrong.

When I review my life, I was never close to being on the right track. There is nothing to regret or redo. Its just so absurd to think I made the wrong choices or just got unlucky 1000s and millions of times over the decades with perfect consistency. i just have a rotten essence to the core.

I have an iatrogenic neurological syndrome that forces me to keep my left arm raised

It hurts and I'm considering suicide

>>288959
Have you tried a brace? Having the nerves removed or numbed?

>>285617
I am in a similiar situation. I am 26. I am a late child, my mother had me when she was 37 and, as usual in these situations, I have problems with my brain. It has been fucked up since birth, either autism, adhd, some unholy union of both. Also I think I have OCD - for 7 years I've been 'enjoying' constant intrusive thoughts, unstoppable, disgusting and terror-filled. I have zero focus, have a semblance of it only I am very interested in a certain subject. School years wasted without learning anything properly, all college got me was a useless degree. I can't find IRL job because I feel like a retard, messing things up constantly and generally being 'weird' and most of the distance jobs, like call-centers, require tons of focus and social skills which I lack. All I got is a part-time in scanlate, translating stupid korean garbage for pennies.
I am an addict too. I am addicted to kratom - the only thing that makes life tolerable and allows me to focus. I use 10-12g a day. When I am off it I don't feel any pleasurable emotions whatsoever for a long time, can't sleep, all I think about is death. My tolerance is high and it barely does anything aside from removing the absistance symptoms. I also fried my mind with psychedelics a while back. I have realized things that make living in delusion no longer possible. Felt the ugliness and torture of living inside this meatsack… Also that death is nothing to fear.
I have no one in my life aside my cat. I lived with mother, who died two years ago. My father has another family and lives in Moscow, which is pretty much a parallel universe because of the reason below. My relatives don't really care. They used to when my mother died, but now I just talk to my cousin and my aunt sometimes through phone but the calls are getting more rare, I feel like they are tired to deal with me. That is understandable, everyone has it rough now and I don't blame them. Not like they can help anyway.

I live in the shittiest place to live as a wizard - in Ukraine. My doom is palpable. Not only through bad financial situation, and lack of mental strength to go on, but also because of army butchers tightening the grip on the male population with each passing month. Though I'd gladly join the military if forced to just to get access to a gun and off myself. Going there on my own for this reason is something I am considering right now, but the thought of dealing with retarded apes serving there seems horrible. Yeah, it wouldn't be for long, but still… You never now when they will give you your gun, it might be on the training grounds, it might be on the frontlines and I fucking hate being around people, especially dumb normalfag gorillas who have been the bane of my existence since high school. The thought of having to spend all day around them for a while on my own volition is just as horrifying as this of limbo of a life I have right now.

There is no getting out of this hell.

>>285617
I have a weird mental illness. Well not that weird because quite some people & maybe (you) have my problem but in a way less severe way, a form that doesn't fuck up your life.
My problem is that I literally can't pee around people. No matter how much I try, if people are near the place I pee even in closed door setting, I can't fucking pee. It's like that since I'm 6 years old.
Also the noises prevent me from peeing.
I saw several shrinks, doctors who gave me exercises to do or different meds and none of them helped me.
I once went to hospital cuz I had 2+ liter of pee in my bladder and it was about to explode, the pain was atrocious and I still couldn't fucking pee no matter how I tried so they went in the process of inserting that very painful medical pipe in my dick to relieve me.
I can't get a job or do anything else because of that. So I'm NEETing.
24 and never got any work experience. I went to school while holding my pee 12 hours per day.
Tired of that nonsense. just. want. peace.
Shouldn't be that hard to do a task as basic as peeing.

>>288963
Kratom can be a real game-changer, would recommend it if you are just desperate and need any extra fortitude, without too much risk. I too became addicted and overly-reliant on it. Don't plan on retaking it until around summer. I don't think it even works for me anymore. Hopefully, the tolerance fades and I can experience again what it was like for the first 3 months. Ran out two weeks ago and I realized it wasn't doing anything after taking it almost every day for about 3 years, so I didn't bother ordering another kilo. The withdrawal period is manageable. Those first three months on it, felt amazing in every sense.

I hate how every time I see a thread like this I am compelled to pour my heart out subconsciously wishing someone would save me only to get the depressing realization that no one will.

>>286319
Hey (more towards anyone in a similar situation, you might be ded)
>>288954 (me here)
Yeah, it was mostly a waste of time and money. Their initial testing/labs said I was totally fine and they wanted to send me to these comprehensive labs and exams which I seriously doubt they were going be worth the combined cost of an ER visit cost.
I think this terrible case of chronic bronchitis flared up my mild childhood exercise-induced asthma. Makes since why apart from the antibiotics and steroids, the most effective medicication for me was an Albuterol Sulfate Inhaler.

>have unconfirmable asthma
TLDR: An inhaler you could have been perscribed to your local costco for 5 bucks and could have helped your chest/heart pains and breathing issues. That's just my anecdote.
America.

>>289039
not quick acting and not good for close to bed time, but ephedrine is decent for asthmatic attacks ime. i dont have an inhaler and dont have trouble breathing often, but its come in clutch a dozen times this yeark

>>288984
I've never had expectations or a single wish of a person saving me from my life situation.

I do have some physical and mental problems of course but I feel like above all I'm doomed because I have made 0 progress by 30.

It's just too depressing to have absolutely no source of self-confidence. Nothing I can point to and be proud of and see as proof that I am capable or have potential. And everyone expects me to have life experience by now. And the daily regret… I don't know how to come back from it.

>>291401
Are you still on gluten? Missing it makes miracles in many cases