[ Home ] [ wiz / dep / hob / lounge / jp / meta / games / music ] [ all ] [  Rules ] [  FAQ ] [  Search /  History ] [  Textboard ] [  Wiki ]

/dep/ - Depression

Depression
Email
Comment
File
Embed
Password (For file deletion.)

  [Go to bottom]   [Catalog]   [Return]   [Archive]

File: 1706706294802.jpg (408.81 KB, 1024x1024, 1:1, wiztopia.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

 No.288596[Last 50 Posts]

Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.

 No.288600

File: 1706711687976.png (603.04 KB, 1127x850, 1127:850, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

I typed a very long post and deleted it. Several times over.
I think it comes down to something like this. I think my life could have been different. I think I could have been an academic or an artist. I still think I can be one, like I still have something inside me, but it feels like it's too late, because my life is a mess and there are too many problems, and even if I make it somehow, there are heights I can longer reach (even if that still means going far beyond what most people can reach). I don't know what went so wrong with my life. I think there was a lot of trauma, abuse, neglect, violence, stress and overstimulation since I was a baby, and I developed a lot of mental illnesses, so I ended up like this, I lost my youth, and now I'm in a hole I can't get out from, but I think if I were stronger and had just found math and cs when I was little I could have made it. What I mean by making it, I don't want to be rich or powerful or "enjoy life" or anything like that, I just like learning things and creating things. I think I have an intuition, imagination or creativity, like I could be very good at learning, understanding and creating things, I think I could be different, I want to go very, very far and be very, very free. But I never used it, this spirit, it was just wasted, I feel like I didn't exist, that in the eyes of the world I'm just a lie. I'm just very desperate, I wish so much I had another chance, that I could try again from zero. There are so many things I want to do. It feels very repressed and awkward.
I'm sorry for posting. I say basically the same thing every time. But people use the internet to talk about all sorts of completely inane things. And no matter how many times I say it it doesn't feel enough. So I'll say it.
I don't know, it's very complicated, I feel a lot of things, there are so many things I want to say, but I can't properly express myself, I don't know what exactly I should say. There are just so many things I want to share, write, draw etc., and my life won't be complete unless I do these things. There are a lot of things I want to do and say but I'll never get to. I'll just live and keep things to myself and see how far I can go.
Please forgive me. I went through weird stuff and didn't know how to cope so I ended like this. But I think I'll start fixing it and I'll seem like a different person, I think I'm different from what I've been, there's something like an internal switch that I'll try flipping.

 No.288601

I'm pretty sure I have bipolar disorder but I don't want to take medication that neuters me or spiral into homelessness/prison. Suppose I'll just wait to my resolve to fully crack and I'll have the choice made for me

 No.288602

>>288600
Which country are you from anon

 No.288604

>>288600
pewdiepie is making progress while you're just writing the same essay every month.

 No.288606

>>288604
Pewdiepie won both the genetic and the algorithm lottery. Guy's been getting lucky nonstop since he was born. You cannot compare them in any sense. Also he was the beginning of the end of Youtube, without him we wouldn't have this corporate "influencer" hellscape.

 No.288607

>>288606
theres no lottery in drawing. can you not afford pen and paper??
you're letting this goofball run circles around you.
he will be drawing perfect big tiddy anime gurls in approx 300 days.

 No.288608

File: 1706728245701.jpg (187.28 KB, 735x825, 49:55, what-are-you-an-idiot-sand….jpg) ImgOps iqdb

I really REALLY hate my brain.

I just watched a recipe video and my first thought was

>oh god I wish I started cooking sooner it's so embarrassing to not be able to cook at my age

>oh god I need to buy all these utensils first
>oh god that's so many ingredients and steps ugh how can people do this regularly without getting tired?
>this guy is younger than me and has his own apartment with a nice kitchen and he's cooking so effortlessly why am I so useless?

And I'm like this with everything. Then months, years pass and I ask myself: why didn't I start sooner?

This "it's over" brain is a real problem. I hate myself so much for it because it prevented me from making any progress and made me lose so much valuable time. How do I become my younger self again who just started doing things and gave 0 fuck?

 No.288613

File: 1706733869931.png (2.3 MB, 1254x1771, 114:161, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

I don't know what I should say.

 No.288624

File: 1706738994629.webm (278.13 KB, 1280x720, 16:9, walt scream.webm) ImgOps iqdb


 No.288633

File: 1706778814282.jpg (211.34 KB, 896x1024, 7:8, 9pbg96imygu81.jpg) ImgOps iqdb


 No.288662

god i just want to go an HOUR without my mother calling me. i just want an hour of SILENCE. i am so sick of dropping everything i'm doing to get you water, to google the temperature when you have a goddamn phone in your hand, to listen to you make noise. i want to enter the kitchen for water without you fucking asking me for something.

god i hate being home so much, it honestly makes me depressed. it is killing me. i have an actual headache all the time and am always on edge because i never know when she's going to demand i leap to her whims. i cannot believe a human being can be this selfish and irritating. and i've had seven interviews this year and no fucking offers, PLEASE let this interview next week work out, i am so tired. i hate that i was born autistic, i hate that i'm bad at interviewing, i really am trying so hard. they know i can do the work! i pass the assessments. i do the take homes WELL. but they don't like me as a human being. but i am just tired. i am exhausted. i want to live my life without this tumor. i don't actually hate her, dgmw, i just hate being around her. living fucking auditory pollution succubus. i want the sort of relationship where we only speak once a month over the phone.

 No.288663

>>288662
christ and now she's in my fucking room? my head is splitting and she just doesn't give a fuck

 No.288664

>>288662
stop complaining and help your mother.

 No.288665

>>288604
Well to be fair the guy is insanely rich, has all the free time in the world and is basically living in the lap of luxury and has a healthy and clear mind with no worries to distract him. Doesn't he also live in Japan as well? No wonder he can make so much progress when he has everything going right for him. Try to tell your average depressed NEET wiz or god forbid, average depressed wageslave wiz and it's just not so easy.

 No.288666

>>288662
You do realize youll lose your mother and everyone around you while you cowardly makes excuses for your suicide? Just help your mother and appreciate her because life is gonna get a lot harder soon

 No.288667

>>288662
you can just cut off and break all relations with your family, while continuing to live with them

 No.288668

>>288667
that's what succubi with bpd and degenerates would do.

 No.288669

>>288668
Adam Lanza communicated with his mom entirely by email, while living with her

https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2014/03/17/the-reckoning

 No.288670

>>288668
do succubi in their 20s still live with their parents? i've never seen that on TV

 No.288671

>>288669
didn't that mentally ill narcissistic schizo nigger shoot up a kindergarten full of kids? Good thing he killed himself.

 No.288672

>>288670
plenty of them, statistical information reports that there's a disproportionate ammount of neets who are females and most of them have one or two disorders.

 No.288673

>>288665
he's taking caring of an infant, learning one of the most difficult languages for english speakers, moved to a foreign country and still dealing with tons of administrative stuff. it's not like he took 100 days off just to practice drawing, my guy. you're just making excuses for not sitting down and doing what he did. you can't take an hour or 30 minutes out of your day to draw? out your busy neet life? where you probably spend 2-3 hours a day on reddit/imageboards?

 No.288674

>>288673
you're full of bullshit. Pewdiepie is a fucking MILLIONARE. He doesn't have to seriously worry about shit in his life, he won at life.

 No.288675

>>288673
Get a load of this New Guy

 No.288676

>>288674
>i can't practice drawing for an hour because of i'm not a millioner yet

yet you're going to argue about it online for multiple hours haha

>>288675
i've been here longer than you, champ

 No.288677

>>288676
strawmanning? I'm not even the guy you are replying. Some people have it easier and are predisposed to succeed in fields where other will have to put thousands of hours just to get going. Fuck yourself.

 No.288678

>>288677
you're right. you're stupid and there's no point in convincing you of anything. just stay retarded and let people with better genes win in life while you write another essay and how you wish you had tried! fuck you lmao

 No.288679

>>288678
like I said, dumb nigger. I am not the same guy you are replying to. In fact, this interaction is the most hilarious because I am a successful artist at least within a niche group :)

 No.288682

>Have to make a faceberg account because 80% of the market for something is on there
>have to have a profile picture with personal details or nobody will sell to you
>Change computers and forget password after not using it for 6 months
>loose with passwords generally but because I gave a phone number and email, think it's no big deal, will just recover it
>locked out of account permanently due to not recognizing the device, not having my password and not uploading my photo ID
>Will not let me recover it, the message they give is "sorry, there is nothing we can do"

What a piece of shit platform. They shut down all tech support during covid and have a number that just repeats a message on loop. I've been emailing them for months saying "Hey, you literally can't just lock me out forever, it's illegal to prevent someone from deleting personal information" and have gotten no response.

 No.288683

>>288679
i don't care if you aren't the same nigger, i'm talking to all of you as a group. you're successful, yet you didn't hesitate to jump in and give weight to such silly ideas that the only reason an idiot like pewdiepie could find the time and motivation to practice was because he was a millioner. please reveal to us how did you find it in yourself to put in the work without the glorious psychologically stress free lifestyle of a semi-retired youtube star? your little humble brag just devalued your entire point :)

 No.288684

My brain is effectively mush after refreshing the same few boards. Everything just feels painful and uninteresting. Just waiting to die, it's so exhausting. Wish I could just take my life instead of living like this.

 No.288687

>>288607
did drawing made his success?

 No.288688

>>288604
do you even know what depression is?

Just because mental illness is "in your head" people assume you can easily snap out of it.

Comparing someone, who I imagine is chronically depressed since they post here, to one of the most successful youtubers known for his high energy is just crab shit.

That anon should definitely realize that whining doesn't get him anywhere and instead make small steps towards drawing a bit every day but that's not a good way to motivate someone.

 No.288689

>>288682
Tried making a facebook account to use the marketplace and my account was permanently suspended.

Tried created many accounts and they all eventually just randomly get suspended.

It's literally impossible to create a facebook account.

 No.288696

File: 1706881929821.png (231.77 KB, 517x357, 517:357, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

Having a bad day and then run in to unpleasant social situations followed by fucking up driving car because brain fried.
I remember I once was in a car park at the hospital and this little old lady was trying to get out of a space, it's a very tight and poorly designed car park with metal poles everywhere you need to avoid. She had a bandage on her head I think, it was very clear. People were beeping at her, and she started crying. She got out her car and had a break down crying saying she'd been in hospital for the week, and she couldn't do it. She fell to the floor crying. I think someone got in her car and helped her, but I knew how she felt. Fuck I hate being alive.

 No.288697

>>288689
wizards arent allowed

 No.288698


 No.288706

>>288688
and how do you think you treat depression? by sitting around writing essays and waiting for something to change? of course not, that's how you get worse. you need to engage in behavioral activation, bit by bit. drawing takes so little effort that it's the perfect starting point. after some time, your brain notices the incremental improvement and you snap out of the inertia.

you think you're helping by acting like a devil's advocate, but you're just giving him easy excuses not to do anything and get worse. sometimes people need to help themselves by doing stuff that doesn't automatically feel good and people with good intentions like yourself need to stop "helping" in such retarded ways.

 No.288710

>>288669
I've fallen into the rabbit hole of your article and ffs I can relate to what the psychiatrist said:
>"as children grow up and tasks become more difficult, what seems like a minor impairment becomes major."
>“They’re a little weird in school. They don’t have friends. They do not get picked for the baseball team,” he said. “But, as they get to the age when kids begin to date and find partners, they can’t. So the sense of deficit, which was minor in grade school, and getting to be a little bit more in junior high, now becomes very acute.” He added that, without the brain getting worse, “life challenges nudge them in the direction of being sicker.”

 No.288720

>>288689
There are horror stories of people's accounts being hacked, being impersonated and there being literally nothing people can do about it. There's entire subreddits dedicated to it.

Facebook is dying and they're just openly letting it die, is the only reason I could think of this happening. It's what you'd expect from an almost dead platform like Yahoo mail or whatever, but no, facebook still has over a billion users.

With steam if something goes wrong, you send an email, and you get support within like 3 hours.

 No.288721

>>288720
the meta stock just went up 200%

 No.288724

>>288721
Meta is a lot more than only Facebook. Namely Instagram and Whatsapp.

But yes, advertising to tech illiterate 60+ boomers will never not be profitable. Facebook is a goldmine of gullible boomers.

 No.288725

>>288724
that was smart of Zuck buying out the biggest competition to FB in Insta

 No.288729

i think one of the worst things about life is knowing nobody really gives a fuck. i feel nauseous and miserable and i know if i tell my mother she'll just claim i'm lying or tell me to buck up, and i don't have any friends. just so lonely…

 No.288731

>>288666
harder how? i keep being told that life is going to "suck" once i get out of the house and have to pay my own bills and rent but i just don't see it. if i have the cash to do so…why would i hate it? i have no disillusions about work, it's just a tool that allows you to live. i expect nothing from it but a paycheck that allows that. i have no problem with it in theory – i want to have my own small apartment and pay my own goddamn bills and be able to do ~crazy~ things like my own laundry without having to get bitched at for wasting someone else's resources.
>>288664
she isn't some helpless baby and it's more for the sake of exerting power over me than actually getting any help…she doesn't think i'm doing anything important when i'm on my computer, so it's a-ok to go hand her a blanket that's literally an arm stretch away or do [x thing she could easily do her self]

 No.288733

File: 1706932333776.png (3.75 MB, 1574x2100, 787:1050, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

>>288731
https://www.cosmopolitan.com/lifestyle/a44178122/family-estrangement-cut-off-parents/

Just inform your mother that you will be breaking all contact with her, and not speaking with her anymore, that you are disowning her. Like in this article which says its common among millennials and Gen Zers. BUT still keep living in her house.

If she is confused you can show her this article to see its very common among young people these days. You could also send her formal letter, and then tap that letter whenever she comes into your room, without speaking. You might occasionally correspond through email, if you choose.

Here is a sample cutting off family / parents letter, just add PS I will still be living in the house.

 No.288734

can't stop complaining about my mother because i live with her. but she insists on not flushing the toilet after she pees because "i-it's a waste of water! the water bill is expensive! and my piss doesn't stink!!" but of course it does fucking stink. you can smell it in the hall. it funks up the bathroom. anyway the bathroom perma-smells like piss and i regularly have to a.) flush after her while b.) withstanding all the bitching about how wasteful and spoiled i am for doing this (?) and c.) clean the piss ring from the toilet all the time, because that shit sinks into the toilet and makes it yellow and disgusting. i really want out.

and this is just one of the disgusting things she does. i've bitched about her so much but i have no other outlet, EVERYONE in my life is an old 60+ person who thinks i'm spoiled and living like a king because they're poorfags whose parents beat the shit out of them regularly and kicked them out when they like *16, and so the bare minimum for everyone else's parents (keeping the bills paid and a roof over your child's head, keeping them fed and clothed, etc.) are golden fucking herculean standards for them. if you did that, you're an a+ parent, fuck everything else.

 No.288735

>>288734
hey my mom does that too. leaves toilet paper there too.

 No.288736

>>288734
Start putting a little vinegar in the toilet bowl everytime you flush, it will help when you come to clean it.

 No.288741

>>288734
Bleach. I don't know about vinegar mentioned in the other post but I guarantee bleach destroys any organic material, throw some in there after you flush.

 No.288744


 No.288748

>>288736

It would smell like shit tho

 No.288770

I envy you all, anons, who have the fortune in living a life of silence, of a life whose culture and atmosphere has a show of respect for Individuation, even if it comes off otherwise, and of a life where your surrounding environment is managed by at least intelligent people, whose every one tendency isn't dominated by talking.

My greatest and most immeasurable disappointment in existence, is that I don't live in a quiet community.
No, I'll just be more blunt: everyday, I inch closer and closer to kicking the bucket because I was raised up in an 80iq household, by a people who're inbred on multiple accounts, and whose greatest stimulating thought is what they'll be eating next and the talk which will transpire, thereof.

They make noise, wiznons; an unbelievable amount of noise. From morning, at exactly 4am, the blares begin. The 'sermons' to prayer are projected. The music –the rap– begins. The children for whatever reason start squealing and smashing their heads against walls. Neighbors of no relation are invited into the household, with their baggage of noise and further, still, more noise. The engines of the car start revving up.
Chatter, chatter, chatter– mind numbing chatter.
From the people, to the vehicles, to the contraptions, to the music, to the 'sermons'.
It's normal, I understand, to want to talk but to go without doing so, even for a breadth of a second, a zilch of a second, throughout your allotted 16 hours a day, cannot be right.
It's not normal to talk to that much.
It's not normal to be infested by gossip that much.
Please, please, please, why can't they remain silent, and engage in some study?
Why must there always be music playing?
Why is putting a water pump on producing so much noise? shouldn't this have been concealed or minimized? why does no one care?

Most wiznons here are white and those that aren't, are at least partially white.
Don't ever take that fact for granted because, on that account alone, you probably live in an environment with people who are people, by and large, and nothing besides, which means they can be silent.
They can go without having to open their mouths, as though by compulsion.

I can't study much with the noise, anons. I hear children being beat up all day because that's what happens in third world sandhole shitholes.
Children wake up, smash their heads against walls, get beat up and beat up some more, wail and cry whilst the adults, their own parents, gossip and chatter, listen to music and sometimes even partake in their own share of torture to other kids, or their own.

Anons, you have a God given prerogative to call us lesser and to call these countries third world shitholes.
Please, someday, I hope for an absolutist form of slavery to appear, that the intelligent –that you– can enslave us in the most utter and absolutist sense, doing away with these people who can't stop talking.
Please, someday, just enslave us all or reduce everything to nothing.

Maybe then they won't talk so much.

I can't keep up with this anons. I'm forced to stay awake from 9:30pm to 4 in the morning, everyday, to do something as simple as read a book, because I can't engage it in noisy environments.
Everyday, for the past 6 years, I operate from 9:30pm to 4 in the morning, just to read a book.

I wish I lived your silent lives as that would permit me, at any rate, an opportunity to read in an ordinary fashion.
I wish I wasn't born in a household so antagonizing of silence and so inept in understanding the most basic of things.
I wish I wasn't born into a third world shithole.

 No.288773

>>288770
damn bro

 No.288774

>>288770
do you have headphones?

 No.288775

>>288770
They are neurotypicals, i.e. primitive proto-humans.

There is no escape from them except total solitude or suicide.

 No.288785

>>288774
Nta, but headphones can be quite uncomfortable for extended periods of time.

 No.288788

do u think being a ghost is like this?

 No.288789

>>288770
Just go to your Local public library if you want to study or read

 No.288790

File: 1707145710146.png (6.58 MB, 1947x2932, 1947:2932, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

Nobody will read this and it's obnoxious but I'll try saying it again. I think this time the thoughts are organized a little better.
I wanted to have gotten into math some 20 years ago, when I had a single digit age, in my early teens at least. I just wanted to go to school and be a good student. I wanted to go to an university and become an academic. Then spend the rest of my life life studying, learning, reading and writing. And creating nice things, being useful and contributing, working on projects, and being free. I think the part that interests me the most about math is theoretical computer science, but not just math and not just this part, also computer science in general, physics and philosophy a little. I think I could have been different, I like to think I could have gone very far and done a lot of things, I think I could have been very happy.
I don't understand why I didn't, I think something went wrong and it's not my fault. I know a normal person would say it's all your fault, but I think it isn't, I think I had to go through very weird stuff. I think youth is when you have a chance, everyone gets this chance, but I feel like I didn't, so I wish I had had a chance like everyone else.
I wish I could try again. I feel like I didn't live my own life, but I really wanted to. So I wish I could go back in time to when I was little or that I could reincarnate.
I still would like to do something nice with this life, I feel like I still have something inside me, but there are too many problems, I'm in some kind of hell and I don't seem able to escape it. Even if I can manage to survive what's ahead for me, there are heights I can no longer achieve, so I don't know what's the point, but like I said I won't make it even that far. I think the most rational course of action would be to just give up, I think I should just stop doing anything, just lie on my bed until I'm evicted, and then when I'm evicted and become homeless just lie on some alley until I die.
I don't know what to do, I just think something went wrong in my life, like it wasn't supposed to be like this, it could have been different, but I ended like this, and now I don't know what to do, there seems like nothing that I can do.
I feel a lot of stuff and there are a lot of things I wish I could at least say but I'll never get to. So nevermind.

 No.288791

File: 1707145738266.png (4 MB, 1121x1600, 1121:1600, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

Sorry.

 No.288793

Im Feeling the pressure wizbros. my lack of driving is causing more of a burden on my family and I do not wish for that. however I avoid learning how to drive to avoid the worry and stress of being at risk to the people who are also on the road (as well as car costs e.t.c). feeling the pressure at work too. Im not a strong person but I worry that O will have to be carrying more weight (literally) to support the family more. Im not worried about myself, but moreso how my lacking is affecting my family. 2024 is already in hard times mode

 No.288795

Is it normal to have permanent side effects from SSRIs? I was on them a long time ago and feel like I lost my ability to concentrate and never regained it.

 No.288796

>>288795
Inhibiting any receptor in the brain for prolonged periods always results in the brain developing more of those receptors in order to regain the nullified feeling. Once you're off the inhibitors, you're left even more sensitive to the brain's natural chemicals than before. It's prescribed dosages why SSRIs and such are only ever increased. SSRIs are a chemical lobotomy, and they were working as intended. Now that you're off them, your emotional and focus can't be regulated due to how sensitive your brain is to stimuli now.

It is your responsibility to be outspoken against these negative effects so fewer young men don't fall or these poisons.

 No.288798


>>288734
Your mom is based

 No.288801

Having the worst mental breakdown in years. I forgot what it was like to feel like this. The direct pain is so strong i want immediate escape so badly. It's like being locked in a room with a fire growing but there's no way out. Black hole in my stomach.

I escaped the pain for a few years but it was unsustainable now i may have ruined everything.

 No.288804

>>288801
I understand, I had a mental breakdown because of cold weather when winter started, now I warm the bed with my hairdryer

 No.288805

>>288790
Do not worry, I have too much free Time and feel too much boredom that Reading such long blogpost helps to reduce my boredom, I Just do not have a decent advice to give

 No.288810

File: 1707235538436.jpg (31.16 KB, 600x424, 75:53, walking-in-circles-3419163….jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>>288801
same here

first I cried the hardest I ever did
now I feel nonstop anxiety and tired and yet can't sleep
I can't do anything to distract myself from the anxiety
I've just been ruminating while walking in circles in my room for like 2 hours and now I'm in bed twisting and turning.

 No.288814

>>288810
Exactly the same for me right now. I've walked in circles so much.
I'm going through cycles: intense anxiety with my heart racing, for many hours, then i collapse from exhaustion and can barely move, like a panic attack hangover. It repeats. Never a proper restful sleep. There's also a crushing realisation each time i wake up as i have a moment in dreamworld where i have forgotten before i remember reality

 No.288815

File: 1707246471422.png (555.63 KB, 591x874, 591:874, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

I just wanted to go to school, be a good student. Go to an university and become an academic. Then spend the rest of my life with math. I wanted to be completely dedicated, not care about anything else.
I wasn't myself. I didn't have a chance like everyone else gets. I didn't grow and develop like a normal person. I just lost my entire youth. I wish so much I had it back. I really wish I could go back in time or reincarnate because I feel like I didn't live my own life and now it seems like there's nothing I can do.
I behaved in a very unbecoming way. I don't understand why. I think it's not my fault. There were all sorts of problems and I didn't know what to do. I'm not like this. I think I was always different but it feels like being in a cage. I wanted to be myself and do things my way and do what I think is right and what feels natural and live my own life.
I don't know how to explain this, but I feel like a force inside me, like I want to do something nice, like I have to do something, there are things I want to do, but my life is a mess, it feels abandoned, I feel like it's like, I love God very much, but God forgot about me, I don't know.
I can't stop thinking how much I wish I had gotten into math and cs when I was very little, like when I was 5 or I don't know, and just wanted to have spent all these years just reading books and papers and programming, and I really wanted to go to an university and become an academic. I just don't know what I can still do with this life, there are all sorts of problems, I'm not going to make it, I'll end up homeless, I want to do something because I feel like I could but it's a mess. I just wish I had a lot of free time to properly learn math and stuff.
There are all sorts of things I feel and went through and wish I could tell the world but I'll never get to.
I existed and I was here. Sorry for being repetitive. Sorry.

 No.288816

File: 1707246491519.gif (180.77 KB, 250x391, 250:391, C5c863f02e395ff595eaf7857f….gif) ImgOps iqdb

Sorry.

 No.288829

>>288815
You again, drawing and math autist… If would spend half as a much effort as you do shitposting you'd actually get somewhere.

 No.288830

They did it. They actually did it. They approved new mobilization law. Men in my country will need to register 'e-conscript cabinet' where you will receive a mobilization notice once it is your turn to die. If you don't do that they will block your all your bank accounts and suspend your driving license. On one hand it is sad to live in such a shithole and to be part of globohomo
useless eaters utilization plans. On the other I somehow actually glad. Life is going nowhere anyway and I am too much of a pussy to kms on my own, might as well. At least I will get access to guns and kms when once there is no way back.

 No.288835

Voices in my head still will not shut up.

 No.288836

>>288835
Use reverse psychology. Challenge them to become louder.

 No.288837

>>288835
that's just your own inner monologue, but you've rejected it as your own because its content is unacceptable for some reason. so you dissociated it from it and denied ownership for so long that it now seems distinct. solution is to once again integrate that part of yourself and accept it.

 No.288838

>>288830
Sorry to hear that bro. I've also read about it.
I was able to cross the Ukrainian border and eventually get to US, but it's not ideal. I'm a skill-less retard who can't get a good job for now and I only possess the Temporary Protected Status.
Anyway, on the other hand they dismissed the typical conscript army service and replaced it with something called the "basic military training" or something, aren't they?
What if you don't register in e-cabinet gov site? Just plain ignore it maybe?

 No.288839

>>288838
>Just plain ignore it maybe?
Won't work. As I mentioned, they will block your all your bank accounts and suspend your driving license. Men will have 60 days to register that shit or go to the military commissariat to do the same shit IRL.
>get to US
Good job for escaping this hellhole. I envy you just as all men here would.

 No.288841

why does ukraine want men in their late 20s to fight, when every other country in the world wants them at 18?

 No.288845

>>288841
They do, conscipt age is between 18 to 25 now.
But they can draft anyone they want who is not 60 yet, I think.

I don't see the end of this war, this shit seems so pointless. Which might sound egoistic, but I just want to live my life in peace. All that non sense about fighting for your independense so the future generation could benefit from it, is retarded. Bitch please, I am a wizard, not a potential father of many children. Sorry for the vent. Guess I'm not patriotic enough.
I do hate russians for what they've done though. But now it seems that even your own country wants you to fucking suffer.

 No.288852

>>288845
>>288845
https://wizchan.org/dep/res/286907.html#287969

I read here that Ukraine's draft age was originally 27, lowered to 25. It just seems odd to me that they ever had such a high starting draft age. In the USA the draft ends at 25.

 No.288858

>>288852
The goal of this conflict is not victory. Not in the slightest. The goal is killing off the active male part of the population. Killing off whites bringing in brownskins, mixing them with the females that are left untouched by the war, produce slave class that will work the field of the globohomo. Simple as. Those who have life experience are more difficult to control than 18 yo kids. They are killed off first.

 No.288859

>>288858
but they are just defending their homeland against unprovoked conquest of their country. its not like they are being asked to fight 2000 miles away, they are defending their own homes from an invader. should they just bend over and be raped by a fellow white slav?

 No.288860

>>288852
It seems weirder to me to have it so young. Ukraine's age is what it should be for everyone. You don't want teenagers, you need grown adults.

 No.288861

>>288858
Braindead, it's not about bringing browns and race mixing with whites. They'll do any means necessary to weaken Russia even at their terrible state. They're also using Ukraine as a testing grounds for their weapons, the Americans only care about profit and control, that's the main goal. It sickens me they get away with this and there's nothing anyone can do at this point.

 No.288862

>>288861
Russia can end the war today, just by returning home to their own borders.

 No.288863

>>288860
Well during WW2, initially married men weren't drafted. maybe its more disruptive to society and economy to remove men with careers and families. as opposed to teens who havent started life yet.

 No.288873

>>288861
>believes Russia is something other than Chabad-run puppetstate.
Bruh. And you call me braindead? Look at yourself. Both countries are ruled by the same jewish. It is all a theater to utilze the excess of slavs. They are too unruly to be absorbed into the globohomo.

 No.288874

>>288873
Its all just sophisms to get around the simple question. How should the war end? with the unprovoked invasion taking the whole country, or the invaders going back to their own borders?

its not like both side are equally bad in a pointless war. one side wants to keep its country, the other wants to take it away.

how is anyone spinning that into a grey morally ambiguous war? a war for your homes against an unprovoked invader is a textbook just war.

 No.288875

There really is no getting past a destroyed reputation. People don't forget, and you're tarred with a brush forever.

I was pressured to work through mental illness, now I'm just known as a nutcase around town and treated with contempt. If I just started as a NEET and stayed being a NEET, I'd live as a comfy NEET and nobody would be any the wiser.

It doesn't go away, ever. Ten years can pass and you'll still be seen that way. No matter how long you behave for, people will never forget that sort of shit.

 No.288876

>>288875
It is what it is. We aren't that important anyways, the new generation will step on us and replace us by being 100 times better than us in morals and how to act in society.

 No.288878

File: 1707386392247.png (1.46 MB, 850x1202, 425:601, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

Sorry for posting again. It's extremely obnoxious and I'll probably get shadowbanned or something if I'm not already and nobody reads this but it hurts a lot.
I just wanted to have gotten into math and cs earlier, like 20 years earlier, when I was like 6 or so, in my early teens at least which seems to be when most people do. Now just seems too late. I wanted to go to an university and become an academic, I just wanted to read a lot, study a lot, learn a lot, and write a lot, contribute, be useful, use my intuition as much as possible. I can't imagine doing any other thing with this life. But now it's just too late. There are too many problems like finance and all sorts of problems and I think it's impossible no matter how much I want it.
This is very hard to explain and I don't think I can get this through, it's a very weird and complicated situation and I don't know how to explain it precisely. But I had a very weird life. And I just wanted to live my own life, to be myself, be allowed to make my own choices. But wasn't allowed. I don't understand why, it's like I was in some kind of cage. Everyone gets a chance, but not me. I feel like I'm starting to live only now, like being born, breathing for the first time, when it was supposed to be in my childhood, but it wasn't because there were bad things and problems, and I didn't get a chance to grow and develop like a normal person. It was hell. I love God very much but I think God abandoned me. Something very bad happened. I'm starting to recover but it just seems too late. I just wanted to live my life. I think I could have been different, but bad things happened. I wish I could reincarnate or go back in time. I don't know, there are tons of things I'd like to say but then the post would become too long. I'm not good at expressing myself.
Sorry.

 No.288879

File: 1707386418466.png (1018.59 KB, 1080x810, 4:3, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

Sorry.

 No.288880

>>288878
>I love God
low iq

 No.288883

File: 1707395772030.jpg (178.17 KB, 940x993, 940:993, 2023693be95d08c313abfd38ab….jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>>288878
Why do You imply That if You got into math/CS in your youth you Would have have become some scientist or anything of that sort? Most likely you Will be a mere wageslave doing unfullfilling work that you will most likely hate, am not saying you Would have been in a better situation if you Did productive things in your youth, After All it is better to be in a job that you dislike than to be broke & Homeless, i am only saying you are having huge expectations, hell maybe you Would have gotten a C.S/math degree but be unemployed today and be one of the Many Hear who rant About not Being able to find a job that matches their degree and their fear of Homelessness

 No.288892

>>288878
>I love God very much
Well, you're saying "sorry" for your stupid posts, and you post cool pics.
So at least there's that.

Maybe next time develop a brain though.

 No.288894

>>288878
What do you think life is like as an academic? You would spend most of your time teaching - presenting lectures in front of dozens or hundreds of young, judgemental normalfags, your words stored on audio recordings.

 No.288895

>>288894
i could see the pros n cons of both the large lecture hall and the small seminar.

the large lecture is more anon and impersonal. like talking to a wall. and its not like HS, in general the bad kids dont bother to come to class anymore as they dont have to. and you can toss anyone out if they do.

but the seminar you're generally dealing with higher level, more educated students, but its more social.

 No.288904

>>288895
>>288894
Academia is unfortunately very social and prone to office politics. I am in grad school and you need the help of others to get by. No one can do this stuff alone. You must present your findings to others, public speaking is mandatory. You need to know how to navigate securing funding. You need to attend conferences and meet new people rather frequently. It's in your best interest to drink and attend social activities with your professors and peers. It is not the reclusive scientist life popular media has sold you.

Admittedly, being something like a real estate agent or salesperson would be a million times worse, cause at least the socialization you have to de here is relegated to academic topics and people who tend to be rather smart.

 No.288905

>>288904
are you in STEM?

 No.288906

>>288905
Yes, I work in earth chemistry.

 No.288908

>>288895
He could teach community college

 No.288920

i want to stop feeling so empty

 No.288921

I realize after growing up on do-gooding heroes and Christianity, I don't actually want to do good and love and turn the other cheek to this actually existing IRL Humanity of statistics and my own personal experience. The characters from fiction from media from words on a page, even supposedly true stories but only 2nd hand to me. The angels of my fantasies I wanted to be a saint to. But the apes of IRL humanity. fuck them. its hard to say coming from my values. but I'm not Good, I'm Bad.

I'm a misanthrope. I hate the humanity that actually exists and want nothing to do with them. If I had more social skills I might try to cynically profit from my interactions with them, but I can't I lack the skill. I'm not too moral to do bad, but too unskilled and weak. So I'll just be a hermit.

 No.288927

>>288837
If only it were that simple. The voices are accompanied by visual forms 24/7. This means that just about each and every voice has a unique face, body, personality, and name. I began counting heads back in 2019 and gave up on counting them when I got somewhere around 100 or so. I see and hear like 5 to 10 of these fuckers daily. Men and succubi.

 No.288928

File: 1707533732279.jpg (890.74 KB, 1242x913, 1242:913, gorille.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

I'm stuck in a dilemma, should I start improving my life a bit (stop fapping for a while, do a bit of exercice, eat better and try to have a sleep patern) or just drop it?

Know that I'm 25, NEET for 5+ years. Never had any friends. A lot of disease. I'm fucked anyway but still maybe doing some effort might get my life slightly better. Not better as in get a job, friends, be healthy etc because that won't happen, but just feel slightly better.

Or is it better to just keep getting fat? eat shit so I get cancer, don't move because anything outside cause me suffering (I hate interacting with humans because they make me feel like I'm a bug, I spent my school life being harrassed).

So yeah not sure if I should do some efforts for a few months or not. I already tried a lot of times in my life for a few weeks and months so I know even if I manage to get slightly better it won't last for more than 6 months. I have no goal because my life has been made to be shit.

I don't really expect answers but I needed somewhere to share, I talk to nobody except my mom

 No.288929

>>288928
I believe in a middle position, you should give life a fair shot with your best effort. But you shouldn't invest infinite energy into life if you're not getting any results out of it.

I mean me personally once I realized I'd never get a job and would be NEET4 lyfe, i basically gave up on everything else, as I knew this life wasn't going to be financially sustainable in the future anyway, might as well eat drink and be merry today. if im fucked financially in the future, might as well fuck myself over every other way too.

 No.288931

>>288928
>25

Let me just tell you what I wish I could tell my 25 year old self:

You will be here for a long time so better prepare for the future. The longer you wait to improve things the harder it will get. Don't rush giving up. You can still do that with 50+.

 No.288937

>>288814
Finally got a one-time prescription for benzos from a doctor and it fixed me like magic.
Now i need to pray i can get a regular prescription to use when needed but idk how likely that is.
Fucking doctors are just obsessed with SSRIs and gatekeeping drugs that can raise my quality of life 100x

 No.288938

>>288937
Psychiatrists here won't prescribe benzos. How do I calm down? Like I can't do anything with this 24/7 anxiety. I'm already taking 500mg ksm-66 Ashwaghanda.

 No.288940

>>288938
Once you're 30+ and keep complaining you can eventually get benzos. Never ask for them directly.
When I was younger they would never prescribe them

 No.288948

my mom: the internet is stupid! you can't take reliable advice from there! you're stupid for listening to anything you get off the internet! nobody on there knows ANYTHING!
also my mom: anon, i know i have a phone in my hand but i need you to google how to spell a word. i need you to tell me what people on the internet are saying about cooking trends. anon listen to this thing a stranger said on the web the other day, i'm going to incorporate it into my lexicon now and use it a lot whenever i want to make a point

i have not heard back from the interviewer i thought liked me. i have applied for rally's, and i expect to get it. even autists can work fast food. i am not looking forward to the loop my life will become, where i go slave as a wageslave then come home to my bitch of a mother. at least i have my art

 No.288960

>>288948
Everything said by succubi is always self serving and selfish.

You better learn quick to ignore and discard everything your mom tells you to think, do or act. They're evil dumb creatures that will ruin and sabotage your life. You live in a totally different reality than them.

You need to disown your mother as soon as possible and leave her behind for good.

 No.288965

things i've done "wrong"
>been born autistic
>was a spergy weeb in highschool which attracted bullying
>suffered from the effects of intense bullying (somehow constant abuse from the ages of ~6 to 17 means nothing)
>grew up under a painfully stereotypical narcissistic mother (i google 'my mother did x to me why' and each result that pops up is from people who went through similar on r/raisedbynarcissistics) and a drunk bastard father
>hid my bad grades from both to avoid beatings and yell downs (which i got anyway, but anyway)
>went to uni, didn't fuck around with the exception of no internships largely due to covid, and graduated in an unstable job market
>made a mistake and didn't accept a job offer i should've taken because a much better job called back, and i pursued it (i didn't get either)
>all done in my early twenties, i'm 25 this year

things my mother has done wrong
>didn't buy a good house she was getting a discount on from a family friend when i was a baby because she "didn't want to live next to her sister" (36)
>stole her mother's car all the time under the pretense of "job hunting" when she in fact wanted to drive her friends places (17)
>did nothing but party after getting out of the military; wasted her gi bill on weed and booze (19 - 29)
>highlights of her life are a.) tagging along with a guy or b.) fucking over another succubus (she loves telling me this story about allowing her supposed friend to go get picked up by a truck full of men, as if i'm supposed to be impressed she's the reason one of her comrades in the military went missing – crazy bitch)
>fucked around with a married man (my dad) and got a kid she did not want (me) at the old age of 36. i get that it isn't OLD, but it's too old to make a stupid mistake like that

i get so sick of her trying to compare her life to mine. i get that her own parents were total garbage but that doesn't justify or explain your current behavior. you and dad treated me terribly outside of the basics (keeping me fed + keeping bills paid) and outside of some minor hiccups i've not done even 1/10th of the retarded shit you both have. i really can't wait to cut ties, i'm so sick of this. i am tired every day.

>>288960
i think it's just normalfags in general. both men and succubi are awful.

 No.288968

"Best day ever," huh? What would that imply? That every day after my best day ever would just get progressively worse?

Well, shit; that fucking sucks. Because I barely noticed this so-called, "best day ever."

 No.288970

Wizards with mothers and female role models, be very careful.

You'll be given the worst advice imaginable, you will be constantly criticized and your goals will be sabotaged.

They're extremely petty, selfish, clueless, will never admit they're wrong and will get jealous easily, so try to not get on their bad side before you can get as far away from them as possible.

 No.288971

>>288970
>You'll be
No, wiz… If you *were*, then say that you *were*. Don't project yur single experience on to others as if it's the only possible outcome. Don't try to give life advice so radical as "Your mother actually hates you and will sabotage you" if you don't have any experience beyond what you can touch for yourself. Many wizards have endured with loving mothers, aunts, and even sisters who have supported them. Of course you wouldn't red about that on /dep/. You're trying to tear wizards' families apart from your keyboard. And to preach this teenage Elliot Rodger tier Succubo-conspiracy stuff to the adults on Wizchan of all places. Vapid succubus behavior on its own.

Very bad post, please delete it yourself.

 No.288972

>>288971
It's just not my mother, but that has been my experience with every female I've ever encountered.

Fuck off, simp.

 No.288973

>>288970
i doubt there is one wizard raised by a single father here

 No.288974

>>288970
I realized too late. All my suffering is due to my mother. I could've lived a decent wizlife on my own but now I'm just stuck being a neet unable to pursue anything I want until she dies. I'll be in my 40s when I can start living life how I want all because of my mother.

 No.288978

>>288972
You're obsessed with succubi to the point of crusading against them on "Don't talk about succubi-Chan". My arguments against your projections and insinuations over this 'globally inflictive succubus delusion' of yours is a valid criticism no matter who or what you were whining about. Your isolated experiences shouldn't be heralded as the only possible outcome, and it's pure cowardice for you to suggest otherwise on a site that would ban for stating the opposite; not for denying some universal truth like you believe, but because this website is not the place to talk about succubi in any light at all. Lucky for you however… Because your mopey projection of your own personal mommy issues was dripping with crabby anti-succubus sentiment, you were able to call anyone outspoken against your juvenile convictions and sorrowspeading a "simp". Now you can go to bed thinking you won the argument because you (mis)used a meme word. If I'm a "simp" for denying that each and every succubi is evil and will seek to destroy the wizard, then you're an /r9k/-robohomocrab for suggesting such.

I'm sorry that the succubi in your life give you a hard time. Most wizard's female family members don't. Stop trying to convince these wizards that they ought to hate their family because you can't love yours. /r9k/-robohomocrab.

 No.288979

>>288938
>500mg ksm-66 Ashwaghanda
How long have you been taking it? Do you do that 1 week detox every month so you don't get it's depressing numbing effects? It's easily the most effective supplement I have taken for mood, exercise, and energy, but it makes me horny. Too horny.

 No.288981

>>288978
Not him, but to be honest, you do sound like some white knight redditor that feels the need to defend some imaginary idea of succubi and how all our negative experiences with them are just our fault and that not ALL of them are like that. The typical blaming of men for having "mommy issues" - it's your fault for being abused and not getting over it and daring to share your experience and making succubi look bad.

 No.288983

>>288979
>Do you do that 1 week detox every month

Wasn't aware this was a thing. Do you have a source? I guess I can try it.

 No.288985

>>288970
Absolutely. I couldnt even see it until i moved out. I can never recover from 30 years of emotional abuse

 No.288986

theres no escape for my sad excuse of an existence. theres no where to go and there never was.

 No.288988

File: 1707757037121.png (2.11 MB, 850x1440, 85:144, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

Sorry.

 No.288989

>>288973
as much as i hate my mother i think i'd be more seriously physically damaged if i'd been raised by my father. that man used to beat the shit out of me at whim, the only thing that stopped him was my mother insisting i'd get scars which would show and invite questions. but also you know, i shot up at puberty and started to tower over them both, that probably had a lot to do with it as well…

 No.288990

>>288989
lol. reminds me how the only thing stopping some "people" from robbing you, beating you and killing you is the small chance they'll get caught, judged negatively by their peers and punished.

 No.288993

Dreamt i was in Hell, absolutely horror. It's not fire and brimestone, but more like this reality we are in. I was stuck in some kind of eldritch mansion with dead people. I was woken up by something and thanked god in that second. The realist in me says it's just a fucking dream. Get over it. The Magus in me says it's my shadow self. The redeemer in me wants to give himself over to the Demiurge, christ or whatever. Absolutely horrifying how a nightmare can feel like years, makes you think when you die that moment can stretch into infinity.

 No.289006

File: 1707802199948.jpg (212.6 KB, 781x594, 71:54, Bart_the_genius.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

I started thinking back on school, and I just feel like blogposting about my reflections.

I was in the dumbshit classes for most of my childhood and really enjoyed it. The work was easy, I just fucked around and messed around with other kids most of the time. I was a naughty child all through primary school, and particularly violent, and would be written up on the board and punished every day. I was immune to punishment because at home I just got screamed at each day by a mentally ill succubus, so at school being lectured or shamed just didn't work on me. I think at that age if you're not well behaved you're just put in the dumbshit areas, my teachers were old ladies in their late 60s. There was a huge scandal about how kids ended up with delayed educations due to the teachers treating it like a kindergarten. Maybe it was that, or maybe I was too much work.

When I went to middle school, due to standardized testing they realized I wasn't stoopid and I got moved into the high achievers class. Instantly I hated it. Everyone talks about suffering in low decile classes and being around minorities, but the kids in the high achievers class just seemed to be genuinely nastier. It could've been a case of me just not fitting in, but it just seemed to be that they were worse people. The succubi were more gossipy and vindictive, and behaved bizarrely aggressive, the men were gossipy but couldn't handle actual physical confrontation. It was strange in how the boys would actually go around like succubi, sitting in little groups, obsessively talking about other people. It was a highly feminized environment and everyone seemed to have a peculiar cognitive narcissism to them, they all judged themselves by how smart they were. The teacher fed into it as well by puffing everyone up with rhetoric about how this class was the best and everyone was super smart. I got filtered out pretty rapidly due to bullying, every day I was mocked for being poor or acting strange. There was a hatred to it too, there was bullying of kids where I came from but there it wasn't really anything personal, the way they talked to me in this class was like they genuinely hated me and wanted me dead.


I liked being around the slow kids, I liked them because they were either incapable of dissemination of bullshit and intrigue, or they didn't care to spread it. I liked that if there was a problem we just threw a few punches and then suddenly stopped caring. I liked how everyone was indifferent to everyone else. They weren't jealous either, one really wanted to read The Hobbit and tried reading for a full month, but only got through the first chapter. He never really had any seethe or hatred that I was able to read. Meanwhile in the other class people were binge reading books over the holidays in competition with one another all to earn praise from the teacher. Literally all of my old acquaintances are unemployed (except have seeded kids, one has a wife that works while he NEETs, lucky bastard) and we kinda live similar (pathetic) lives. Over half are mentally ill, the fact we were all delinquents should've serves as an obvious harbinger to that. So I guess I really never should've been in that high achievers class in the first place and I always belonged with the boys reading toddler books and flicking rubber bands.

As I wrote up this post, I remembered the Simpsons episode Bart the Genius that's about the same sort of thing. I don't even think most people in the class were anything special, many just had tiger parents that aggressively demanded they got put in there. Most were sitting beside me within a few years at high school, and a good portion were doing worse than me academically.

 No.289007

the world would rejoice if i died, it would reaffirm everyone else's place, but i don't want to die, i just want to live. were my hopes too small? do i need to shoot for the moon to even get out of my hole? i hate that my life is passing me by wiz. i'm 25 this year and i just haven't done anything. at least i'm picking up art. i can have that if nothing else. i just don't get why nobody will hire me, a job would solve 90% of my problems. it's insane. it's insane. my head hurts all the time

 No.289008

File: 1707808761215.jpg (49.87 KB, 640x480, 4:3, images.jpeg.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

Just want to give you all a heads up a year in advance ;D

 No.289009

I want off this planet.

 No.289018

what do neet wizzies do all day? i cant stand cycling through the same movies and games all day and i dont wanna read anything because nothing interests me. outside of programming i have nothing. i hate my post.

 No.289019

>>289018
beside browsing the internet I sleep 15 hours daily and go out with my parents in shopping malls

 No.289020

>>289019
sounds awesome.

 No.289029

>>289018
i enjoy nightwalks very much. I used to live in a suburban shithole and i would kill myself if i had to go back to such an unwalkable place.
Otherwise i enjoy games while high on weed. I program too and learn security.
Im over 30 and quite satisfied if only i didnt have to worry about finances and such

 No.289031

>>289018
it helps a lot to have a personal project you're working towards. for me that's language learning and it's funny how watching tv shows, anime and reading is now productive since it brings me closer to my goals. if you're bored of your usual activities, you can try to re-frame them with a larger goal in mind. like some wizzies wanted to watch every 80s anime and are driven by that completionism. one wizzie was working on an operating system. actually the more far fetched and grand the project, the better. it keeps you busy for a long time and you just lose yourself in it.

 No.289034

File: 1707855360549.jpg (74.5 KB, 602x425, 602:425, old internet.JPG) ImgOps iqdb

>>289018
I perpetually live in 1996-1999 in my head, the best years. I even use Windows 98. It's safe with the proper patches and nobody bothers writing malware for it anymore.

I detest the modern world and only play old gbc or nes emulators or text based rpg's. There is also a treasure trove of older dos and windows games made in the 80s and 90s which I play.

While doing all that, I use the first version of Winamp to listen to 80s and 90s music, as well as game midis and wavs.
I'm happy this way, it's like a permanent time bubble isolated from current reality which sucks hard.

 No.289037

>>289034
that brings back a lot of memories man. it was crazy enjoying classic pop music, national anthems and civil war songs all in midi format.

 No.289061

File: 1707895546200.jpg (2.59 MB, 4000x2690, 400:269, I'm a fan.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>>288983
I should have mentioned I take 1000MG daily for a period of 3 weeks and then lay off them for a week. This has helped me get the most of their efficacy and prevents some of the sides I have experienced like emotional numbing or diminishing returns. I've been on the supplement for 3 years now. One of the only ones of a handful I've taken that have done anything.

https://www.cnbc.com/2023/12/12/ashwagandha-is-very-effective-at-reducing-stress-anxiety.html

 No.289062

29 year old with schizoaffective on neetbux spend my days reading philosophy and poetry and listening to music. I'm extremely weary of this existence and everything seems so futile in the face of death. Ennui is terrible sometimes just agonizing disinterest and boredom. This life seems absurd and the Buddhist concept of dukkha variously translated suffering or unsatisfactoriness seems a fundamental mark of this existence. I have suicidal thoughts occasionally but am too scared to do it. I did attempt in the past.

 No.289063

>>289062
35, similar situation
yes, it sucks
somehow after terrible emptiness, I find anyway things to do, the internet never fails me, but it's really just waiting for death to happen

 No.289073

got a call back from another employer. fast food interview tomorrow, so this phone call happens on friday. i am so exhausted. please don't let me get rejected from this employer, my spirit is weak…

 No.289074

Who are some of your favorite writers?

 No.289093

File: 1707980823818.jpg (284.24 KB, 1000x750, 4:3, Detroit_Bungalow.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

i know some anons itt must be tired of reading my posts whining about my mother, but i sometimes wonder if her hatred of me isn't mired in guilt, too.
whenever i speak of my problems – the rare times i have – she always insists i'm trying to "guilt trip" her. of course that isn't my intent – i just want her to understand that i wasn't "born" with the things she hates, but rather they're built up over nearly ~18 years of abuse in my youth, from my shitty schoolmates (and her and my father of course, though i'd never bring that up because she'd just pretend it never happened, you know) but her mind goes straight to "i am guilty." why? possibly because…she is?

90% of the issues we (i) have right now wouldn't be issues if she, at 36 while pregnant with me, had just swallowed her pride and bought that nice cozy BRICK house next to her sister right outside the city (~10 minutes if you're walking) rather than go "hmmm i don't want to live next to my sister XD" and purchased a shitty trailer in the middle of bumfuck nowhere town, where there are about ~100 people. i wouldn't be ruminating on it if she'd been 20, but 36? 36 fucking years old and you pass up on something like picrel? fucking crazy. the more i think about her the more i resent her and her life choices, because everything she did in her life tainted my own. i hated my father too but he's dead. i actually had to give up on the life insurance policy to get his ass in the ground, i really should've told his sister to fuck off and just cremated him like my step brother wanted to, that would've been better. me and him both could've used ~5k at the time.

 No.289108

File: 1708016033077.png (160.91 KB, 676x578, 338:289, 1706713444305635.png) ImgOps iqdb

Trying to lose weight, mostly for health reasons, this is harder than I thought. Because I work, I can afford to eat junk food on the daily, but it is very addicting and I'm having a hard time letting go of this addiction, I get why normalfaggots talk about having a support network when dealing with addiction, it's hard as hell and junk food addiction is mild at worst compared to hard drugs.

 No.289109

>>289108
try intermittent fasting for 16 hours with coffee or tea but if you struggled with cravings then just drink coke zero, one can for breakfast, one can for lunch and another can for dinner.
Once you've completed your 16 hour fast also try cooking healthy alternatives of junk food you like, for example a homemade burger is way tastier and healthier than a mcdonalds burger. want KFC? make some homemade airfried chicken. and if you dont feel like cooking everyday then dedicate like a day to cooking large portions of food that u will eat for the rest of the week by freezing it then heating it up when needed.

 No.289117

>>289109
I'll try IF later on, but honestly the thing I'm mostly struggling with right now is adapting to a healthy diet.

I think meal prepping will help, I'll look into it, I'll need to buy the containers and the food in bulk.

 No.289118

my room looks like op picture, I'm always sleepy and can't walk straight. Dunno whats happening to me

 No.289121

the guy i was supposed to interview with today for fast food hell didn’t even show up. but i also have a phone interview with an admin place tomorrow. i really hope i get it? 90% of the reason i even entered uni and slaved over my degree was to avoid fast food. christ this life isn’t worth it

 No.289123

>>289117

Intermittent fasting is really good. Try to eat all your calories within 6-8 hour window. Preferrably during the active hours of the day. I personally skipped breakfast. Allow yourself one small snack a day.

 No.289124

>>289117
You'll be surprised how little food your body asks for once you stop eating on 3 meals a day habit. I usually just have a snack and coffee for breakfast and then don't eat until dinner.

 No.289153

mother doing pointless purposely aggressive and demeaning shit she doesn't need to do again and blaming me for being irritated about it. all i asked is a simple question, "why did you do that? i cleared a space for you to set your things down, so you didn't have to put them on top my things and ruin them." and she blows up. i genuinely can't believe anyone could be this retarded and rancorous, let alone my mother. i want to leave so badly. i never should've come back, this is going to go down as one of the worst decisions in my life: daring to rely on my bitch mother. i want to punch her in her stupid head sometimes. i think i'm validated in saying this too because she loves to joke about "killing" me. crazy fucking bitch i hope when i finally move (surely i won't be stuck here forever) she rots. she's doing to die in this shithole, i hope she realizes that.

 No.289154

"Autonomous entities," huh? That's a new one for me.

 No.289162

>>289153
some narc parents try to make their offspring very dependent and unable to function on their own so they can keep them as a living human pet that won't leave them. narcs need supply they do a lot of damage. im not saying this is case here, some people when stress it comes out bites at other people its not personal attack to you, just they are human and overwhelmed.

it can be hard for succubi later in life they lose their looks, people starting to notice their failed progency and talk behind back. some parents i read a while back, they do betray and give up on their children without them even knowing it, if you don't succeed the way they wanted you to.

im not expert only person that lived through very bad things from bad kind of mentally ill people in a malicious way. we cannot know, but we have intuition, and you cannot know whats in mind of another person. sometimes we even make problems for ourselves projecting then it manifest into a reality with the other people.

one thing at the end of the post, its good to vent, but to harbor this actual feelings isn't healthy for you. even when other people are bad, we don't need to be like them, but can we even judge them, or only their actions themselves.

im certain everyone here has been judged by people before when their actions while not good, they didnt deserve that kind of judgement because extenuating circumstances. its live by the sword die by the world. so i help that can help you to trick cope yourself to forgive, forgive doesn't mean forget it doesn't mean it's ok, it means you helping yourself move past this trauma, and not letting them do extra damage ontop of already by making you into a mini version of them who go out there and hurt other people.

 No.289163

parents hating you because you're not a chad slayer is ropefuel

 No.289164

>>289124
I was always fat because I listened to fat doctors and fat parents telling me I need 5 filling meals every single day.

It was only when I watched some normie videos on weight management and sports that I realized I don't need food all day.
Now I have a normal BMI at last.

>>289163
My other sibling is good looking but unemployed. They get showered with gifts, wire transfers and female attention and lives as if he was any middle class person.

I work hard, studied hard and people openly display they disgust just at seeing me. Even my mom said I should have had gone to an orthontist and bimaxillary surgeon as a teen but they couldn't afford it.
To top it all off I'm 5'3, shorter than many teenage succubi.

 No.289171

>>289164
im sorry this your hand. its not like poker. i dont know many 5f3 poker champion anyway. all i can say is that maybe in your pain and experience that it did spark something beautiful, and youre better person in your person and growing and then what mark you left here. lots of people that have it all, not all, do become horrible dissolute individuals only know pleasure and no suffering. it poisons the soul. in the same way, these difficult experience perspective and pills it does grow you. they cant see they wont ever get to know past that, so they dont know what is there or what others are missing, but you know and i know and many others too.

the adepts known that forever flesh perverts your other higher function of the mind and spirit.

i saw very short asian man at atm, i wanted to say to him but too depress, i did say to a cleaner, because he look sad when wheeling that cart, bro it can always get worse protect what good you have im tell you it really can worse, he did change to a smile because he saw in my eyes soul that i knew. maybe he was a wizard maybe not.

5f3 is so hard i cannot imagine, nothing will ever fix that its very unfair. you do have your mind though you can study, im too badly condition for that, even cant do nice stretch or exercise like they tell you to relax or calm down. if you can do that.

can i tell you i got over what other people think i dont care, that's more because my problems are going to be there in absence of them now after they made them afterall. you really do sound like there you have a chance to make something in your life and have a nice little peace somewhere, read, look after health, live well with integrity and not be like the people that do the bad things

 No.289187

I really have no plan at all for my life. I need money but I'm too mentally broken to handle wage slavery at this point. I don't know how I let things get this bad.

 No.289192

>>289187
when youre older you will look back at your present self with marvel how much potential you had and what you really could have done,, how good things were at that younger age. if only you could have framed things differently and tricked your brain into cooperating with you. it can be done, especially so if you're not actually broken, and it's mental health related. giving up in your 20's is very unwizardly i have to say.

i would even argue that exhausting every opportunity to their utmost, really putting in your maximum effort, failing failing and trying again, these are all important in becoming a wizard. a person that reaches 30 and done that vs someone that has not, they're going to view life differently and there will be a different level of peace and acceptance, less regrets, and something more to build on in your later life when you need it to keep on coping.

things can and will get worse.

 No.289194

>>288604
Fucking suicide fuel. I've been drawing every day of my life and I've somehow actively gotten worse in the last few years.

 No.289195

>>288673
banal low quality bait

 No.289196

>>289195
Anyone can learn how to make art. It's part of human intuition that imply needs to be unlocked. If you believe you can't, it's simply because you don't want to, and yet you get angry when this fact is pointed out.

 No.289197

>>289196
not the point i was addressing. regardless, i dont get angry. it is pity we and patience we need to have for people with such an ignorant and feeble minded take. some people troll knowing the reality, and others are truly too stupid and lacking awareness to come to the realisation. i do genuinely pray that they grow as people in their experience and wisdom to not say such outright stupid things.


>anyone can learn how to be normal. its part of human intuition that simply needs to be unlocked. if you believe you cant, its simply because you dont want to, and yet you get angry when this fact is pointed out


ok. thanks for the refresher and the quality insights. lets do away with extenuating circumstances, biology, determinism.

you wouldn't happen to be a big fan of 'the secret' would you? the law of attraction? i'm still yet to see a parapelegic 'secret' their way back to walking again with the law of attraction. i mean it should be a simply matter of unlocking that human intuition, perhaps they simply dont want to and get angry when people point this out. i don't know.

 No.289198

>>289195
tbh, it was. doing anything is impossible, if it was, you'd be doing it already. just ldar and jdimsa.

 No.289199

>>289198
i humbly disagree but owing to biological determinism i'm at present unable but not unwilling to expound upon my viewpoint with argument and rationale; which aren't lacking only the effort to post.

you will have to either take my word for it or decide to stick with your already existing belief, as i have done here, and for which there is good reason to do so. feelingsarentreasons.

 No.289200

>>289199
prove it.

 No.289216

>>288608
My mom used to yell at me whenever I did literally anything in the kitchen. I could barely cook a pot of noodles when I managed to move out (which only happened because we lost the house). The road ahead is rough and has a couple embarrassments in store (such as getting weird look and remark when asking for beef chuck at the sausage counter) but it's doable. I found starting to learn something that I didn't inherently care about to be a lot easier to approach than the things I needlessly romanticize.

 No.289217

>>288790
This rings with me a fair bit. Your experience could be due to some dark shit. In my case I learned my mom physically abused me daily even way before I was one year old. ("I knew I had to be extra strict with you since you wouldn't have a father growing up to do it" - THANKS MOM) Then if you got good at suppressing emotions, that's a big ass pile of garbage to leave unprocessed. Also lies upon lies to hide it all away until it's a cryptic mystery like you are now experiencing. No point chewing on it, man. There's no difference between thinking about yourself and being miserable. Do physical things. Leave your mind be for a bit.

 No.289218

Does anyone else despise their parents for bringing them into this shithole of a world with their subhuman genetics?

 No.289219

i cant get myself to eat for some days now. and i just spent the last 10min throwing up in the bathroom and cleaning up the mess. it was only a few hr ago to wake up and that has been agonizing. how much longer the entire day has to go.

 No.289222

>>289218
Yeah I wish they never had me. A lot of suffering to me and them would have been saved.

 No.289224

i used to be very heavily against antidepressants but I stopped giving a fuck about myself anyways and Im a cutter so fuck it if it has a chance of helping ill take it.
I really hope they will atleast help me not feel so miserable but I doubt it
I hate talking to shrinks so much, I guess they dont really care about my life as much as I think, but its still difficult.
I havent even told my shrink that i cut myself since i dont wanna get send to a psych ward, i dont know being a mental patient just makes me feel even worse like i dont deserve to even life
i just dont know anymore

 No.289227

File: 1708359199563.jpg (41.38 KB, 620x397, 620:397, it-is-what-it-is-meme11-mi….jpg) ImgOps iqdb

I just realized the reason people ignore my posts is that I tend to complain about things you can't change.

Idk just how people get over these things and focus on what you can change.

Life still feels surreal to me. Like how we live for ~80 years but you spend your first ~20 years being clueless, then you really only have 10 years in your 20s as prime and then you turn 30 and you can see your looks and health deteriorate and everyone treats you like you're old.

You can't control your thoughts. You can ruin your life because the right thoughts just didn't enter your head at that time and when they do it's too late and you can't go back.

I also can't get over how you can be born poor, mentally ill and ugly and that's your only way of experiencing life. It blows my mind that these people with fantastical feeling lives are actually experiencing it from 1st person. Like to me that 100 million dollar house with the amazing view feels unreal but someone is actually waking up in it and feeling the comfortable bed, the beautiful view and eating the delicious meals from good restauraunts every day and driving in a car people only have as their wallpaper. They experience certain events 1st hand while everyone else can only speculate what happened.

My existence is just so insanely limited. Sitting at home all day looking through a screen. Living in a literal who city. Unable to really experience life. Constant health issues, low energy, overthinking and anxiety. Idk how I can just cope with it. I want to really really live but these health and mental issues feel impossible to overcome now that I'm 30. I feel like I'm trapped in this body. I am not religious but I feel like there is more to human experience than simply chemicals in your brain.

 No.289228

>>289227
Most people can't cope well with reality. When you speak the truth to them they think you are trying to hurt them on purpose and so they pretending it's never happened.

 No.289229

>>289227
>I also can't get over how you can be born poor, mentally ill and ugly and that's your only way of experiencing life. It blows my mind that these people with fantastical feeling lives are actually experiencing it from 1st person. Like to me that 100 million dollar house with the amazing view feels unreal but someone is actually waking up in it and feeling the comfortable bed, the beautiful view and eating the delicious meals from good restauraunts every day and driving in a car people only have as their wallpaper. They experience certain events 1st hand while everyone else can only speculate what happened.
Everyone will get ill and die, even if you temporarily live in heaven.

>I am not religious but I feel like there is more to human experience than simply chemicals in your brain.

We are atoms.

 No.289231

>>289218
>Does anyone else despise their parents for bringing them into this shithole of a world with their subhuman genetics?
Yup.

>>289224
>antidepressants
If you don't make practical changes to your life they're not particularly useful. In fact I think they are placebo, but that's just my opinion.

>>289227
>I just realized the reason people ignore my posts is that I tend to complain about things you can't change.
I mean, that's the whole point of the internet communities. Discussion and exchanging opinions it just the facade, but it's really just about venting.

 No.289232

>>289227
>You can't control your thoughts.
Then stop trying so hard. If you're so useless go and sit on a bench in the nearest park and stare into the sky for 10 hours. The buzz in your head will clear. Realize that every dumb excuse not to do it is just your ego making schemes to prevent you from facing yourself.

 No.289236

>>289231
>placebo
maybe, but what else even is there?

 No.289246

Another flatmate, another fight with the police called.

He's a druggie but usually is pretty good at keeping away when high. This time he came home high on meth and just paced the house for hours shouting "where's my shoes" at the top of his lungs. There was no speaking reason to him, he just got angry and insulting if I told him to shut the fuck up because I needed to sleep. Mocking me for not having a job and trying to fight me. This was all around midnight.

He sort of slinked off once he realized I'd called the police, but not before threateningly going "snitches get stitches" and ranting about the boy who cried wolf. The underclass always talks massive shit about how people that call the cops eventually get dealt to, but the opposite is true, it's the idiots that get baited into a fistfight or doing crime that get dealt to.

He's packed up his shit and left now, somewhere across the country. He says he'll be living in a shed at his work, but I think he's likely to end up homeless and trying to crawl back. I literally cannot comprehend how every normie brings drama to me, I just want to live my life in peace and it's always the same pattern of shit being brought to my door.

 No.289247

>>289246
Change the lock.

 No.289248

>>289247
You just reminded me, I forgot to get the key off him.

Every time someone leaves I change the lock, it's only like $30 to do so and it keeps everything safe.

 No.289250

>>289248
you let this person move in with you, didnt vet them or interview them, ask about lifestyle drug use etc? how did they manage to live with you in the first place. were you that hard up for cash that you'd let a meth user into your home?

 No.289251

>>289250
I worked with him years ago and he's a good guy. For months he kept his drug use away from me. He would go on a three day bender and then would come home and sleep for two days, then be normal for two days, and then disappear on drugs again. It was a good system.

It was his last week living with me before moving, and I guess he just got sidetracked on his drug missions and ended up back home, and became an absolute cunt for the night wouldn't fuck off.

>were you that hard up for cash that you'd let a meth user into your home?


Yeah, I don't have the luxury other wizzies here of not living with other people. And if you're legitimately autistic, people will avoid living with you. This person is one of the better ones.

 No.289254

>>289251
>And if you're legitimately autistic, people will avoid living with you. This person is one of the better ones.

yes that's true and why i've had to live along most of my adult life. i'm having to share with a housemate presently, its very difficult and i supplicate myself providing value and utility by doing what basic chores i can around the house and keeping things clean. it's really nice to have done some work on being humble it makes life a lot easier. hopefully i can keep this arrangement.

either way, you know that there is no such thing as a good meth user, because when the drug takes over they're not who they are anymore. it's also a form of enabling, some people need to hit rock bottom and then turn it around. it's good to be good, but remember this first and foremost, you cannot be good, do good, if you allow bad people to undermine and destroy your capacity. when a person takes meth, it turns them into something else they're not longer people they were, and cannot be trusted at all. may your next housemate be better suited for you.

 No.289256

>>289250
advantages of living with druggies far outweigh cons.
They wont rat you out for what you do and you can probably get/buy some off them.

 No.289257

>>289256
are you on drugs right now? what kind of degenerate would need to worry about someone ratting them out for what they do? why would i want to buy meth?

 No.289259

>>289257
>are you on drugs right now
sadly not
>why would i want to buy meth?
this is the depression thread right?
Why wouldnt you want to, especially if you plan on killing yourself?

 No.289262

>>289259
yeah it's the depression thread, i'm depressed not stupid; because things dont always go as planned, and you could end up restructuring your brain with a powerful substance to where you dont want to die anymore and live a sick degenerate life instead hurting a lot of people and doing heaps of bad things. that is a fate much worse than death. i don't play with that kind of fire flame.

i don't want to make my situation even worse, it's bad enough as it is. there are many in very very bad situations, and they say they will rope, and they don't for decades, if ever. suicide is a powerful topic, however the numbers are still relatively quite small, especially as compared to the scale of suffering. i'm self-aware enough to know that i'm not special, i'm prone to the same self-preservation instincts, and could be alive for decades still. or maybe you're totally right and banking on suicide as a solution to depression, is a reasonable and well thought out narrative to play out.

 No.289264

>>289262
my only point is if you hate your life and actively want to die there isnt as much too lose as for a normie.
Is killing yourself really better then living even if its just for drugs?

 No.289271

>>289236
>maybe, but what else even is there?
Nothing. Depression has a reason to exist, it's a Western world problem, you don't cure it with therapy or pills, because there is nothing to cure, it's what it means to be aware of the shit the life and the world is.

 No.289281

>>289271
I wasted my time taking pills since I was a fucking teen and realized there really wasn't anything wrong with me, the society was so faulty for some reason. I know there's no such thing as a perfect society, but that shouldn't stop us for change, for a newer society then this materialistic nightmare.

 No.289283

>>289271
I think you misunderstand what depression is or how it works.
For most people with major depression they shutdown, medication combined with therapy is to get them to come back to working condition again.
Major depression is bad, major depression is not being able to move, your body being in pain, your brain just completely shutting off. This is what the medication for. Most people with mild or even moderate depression, medication can be useful to stop people from ever reaching that state where they are completely bereft and robbed of all higher function.
Yes, the world we find ourselves in can be bad, and most people have had good lives compared to those outside their bubbles. I believe in rolling with the punches and becoming a more dynamic human like you do.
Every person is different however, and spreading your personal experience trying to convince others it is fact is just foolish and evil. Especially to someone that is experiencing depression for the first time, no matter it's severity.
Depression as you know can be a very complex problem, some people can tough it out. There's a case in anti-depressants that cause the person to feel better, or worse, and kill themselves, as their function improves but their mood does not. For some people it can trigger mania.
How would you feel if you dissuaded someone from taking anti-depressants from your post, and it robbed them off years, or their entire life? This is what you're effectively doing.
I do not take anti-depressants, but I have done in the past, you are not supposed to be on them for life (though some people are). I have learned that life comes with the bad, but also the good.

 No.289286

>>289227
>I am not religious but I feel like there is more to human experience than simply chemicals in your brain.

For most of my twenties I thought so too. Now I am not so sure. It's really just repetition and change, a body going through the motions, a body getting sick and healing, a brain releasing and removing neurotransmitters, a brain showing you things and a brain taking these things away from you, a body-brain unit that generates consciousness, pain, the feeling of wanting to end it all and the feeling of wanting to keep going. There is no higher plan. Life's just happening. I am not a wise, not a smart man, I hold no truths, even though I thought everything through and there is nothing of interest to me, rarely a thought goes through my mind that awakes my interest, but it will fade soon. More than chemicals? Of course consciousness by itself is not a chemical, however consciousness is much less special than I used to thought. It doesn't make us divine. It will sooner or later repeat itself. It creates an illusion of self and divinity, sure, but once you deal with it for a long enough time I think man will see that it only works as a distraction from an 'excess time' mankind created with modernity and civilization, an excess time that supersedes survival and death, but in the end, life is just experiencing itself in a vain attempt to flee death, and death will always win over life.

 No.289291

>>289286
It's all a ruse anon, it wants you to reproduce, that's all it cares about, that's all what the will wants us to do is to bring more beings in a confusing meaningless world, fuck it all.

 No.289295

>>289291
I am only skeptical of this because I heard a female say the same thing. It's unusual to say this for a female, I guess.

 No.289296

i feel so embarassed about my NPC-like existence. Life should be explored even if I believe there is no overarching meaning and that you can't really waste life. Even though I am expendable and not special I should still have made an effort to discover my full potential. trying to just go the way of least resistance in the moment is so bad because you dont have anything from it after the moment passed.

 No.289298

>>289296
I get the same feeling.
But for me, it's more like the only thing that makes me regret my decision of being inactive is seeing other people succeeding in life. I'm not going to lie, sometimes feeling worthless compared to others and not have the willpower to do something about it makes me feel jealous, which triggers even darken thoughts.

I do sport in a club 1-3 hours a week, walk 30-40 minutes a day, learn a language everyday but it seems that I still can't tolerate to function in society despite these little things bringing me some temporary satisfaction.

 No.289299

>>289298
stop trying to be a failed normie
the only thing for us is to enjoy solitude and rot

 No.289300

File: 1708525228198.png (572.88 KB, 709x982, 709:982, 1706268909566026.png) ImgOps iqdb

>>289299
>the only thing for us is to enjoy solitude and rot
This is what eventually happens to me.
I sometimes try to become a normie, I have motivation for one day then I come back to the sweet taste of rotting inside of my room for a few months before I try again because of the pressure of my family.
It's like I love the feeling of having no future to think about, I do not support trying to be a normie for more than 24 hours, it stresses me out despite having some little phases where I think I'll become one. It's very short and very stressful.
My copes?
excessive use of internet, anime, fapping and ultimately revenge fantasies fueled by jealousy.
Lately I'm thinking about getting back into alcohol and smoking as additional copes since I don't care about living a long life anymore. I still have some hesitation tho.

 No.289302

>>289300
A non-neurotypical trying to "become" a normie is about as stressful as it would be for a normie to watch C++ code compilation or anime for 24 hours straight with no music, distractions or food allowed.

They would literally develop PTSD from it and probably never recover. It would be paramount to Guantanamo torture for a normie.

The one cannot become the other. What's enjoyable for one is stressful hell and torture for the other.
Brain structure is genetical. Brain neuroplasticity only exists within your brain phenotype. Just as an autist cannot become a non-autist.

 No.289307

>>289302
good post

 No.289308

File: 1708531960921.png (512.22 KB, 768x768, 1:1, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

I just wish I had a lot of time to properly learn and do things. I just want to draw, write in math and cs, maybe make music. There are so many things I want to make. I want to make things of the highest quality that go beyond what other people can imagine. I feel so much excitement and energy and nice things, I feel like I could really do it as long as I have enough time to properly learn it in my way, but I think I'll not get to.
I'll probably be homeless soon. Once I'm homeless, I'll just give up and let myself starve in some alley. My life is over.
I just wanted to draw, study math and cs and go to an university, and maybe make music. I don't care about anything else.
I didn't live my own life. I wasn't myself. I lost my entire youth, it was like being in a comma for the first 25 years of my life. I don't understand what happened. I don't understand why I behaved the way I did. I don't even remember most of my life, I have very few memories, my first 20 or so years of life were hell. I wasn't functioning. It was a very extreme and severe mental illness. I think it wasn't my fault. I think it could have been different. I just wanted to have gotten into math and art when I was very little, like when I was still in preschool. Sorry for saying this so many times but I really wish I could reincarnate or go back in time. I feel like I didn't get to live my own life even though I wanted very much to. My ideal life isn't having a g1rl or making a lot of money or having a lot of friends or impressive achievements or having fun, I just wanted to spend all my time learning and practicing math and art, be completely dedicated, get as good at these things as physically possible, know a lot of things and make a lot of very nice things, and be very, very good at these things. Now it feels like I won't have enough time to do all the things I wanted to, or that I can't reach my "true potential" or "maximum potential" or whatever so it feels like pointless and vain. It feels like I'm not meant to be, that someone like me shouldn't do it, shouldn't even try it, I'm just a bad person, I think I'm different and I'm not like what I have been and I really want to do it and I have always felt something but it's like God is telling me you're not meant to be.
I made a lot of posts but I can never properly express myself. There are too many things and I'm in an extremely complicated situation. There's something I want to say but I can't put my finger on it so I'll just take it to my grave. So nevermind. I'll just go.

 No.289309

File: 1708531993327.png (1.03 MB, 833x1000, 833:1000, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

Sorry.

 No.289329

>>289300
>I sometimes try to become a normie
ahhh me too, the old spurt of motivation that leads to feeling worse then you did before huh?

 No.289330

File: 1708598241730.jpg (46.51 KB, 500x500, 1:1, e6da68c7c32839331e6e830c79….jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>>289299
>the only thing for us is to enjoy solitude and rot
it do be like that tho

 No.289331

File: 1708598734403.png (2.29 MB, 1093x1500, 1093:1500, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

I want to live my life.

 No.289332

>>289308
Why do you say that you are a bad person?

 No.289333

>>289331
I want to die

 No.289334

I wish for death, the end. I'm almost 40 and i wish i died after my neet days. Time went quick, and it was not worth the effort. Wageslaving is hell. People are hell. I cursed god and all its agents ,realizing it's pointless. There is nothing to believe in, nor a reason to believe.

 No.289335

>>289334
If I had religousfags around me, I would curse at god and take him for blame but religion is so dead where I live that it feels unnatural lol.

 No.289337

File: 1708612707418.png (6.94 MB, 3000x1688, 375:211, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

>>289332
People think I'm a bad person. I also think I'm a bad person. I think there could be a silver lining but I haven't been able to prove it yet.
I behaved in a very stupid way for the first 20 or so years of my life. It was just wasted.
I was partially raised by a very scary stepfather, when I was about 6 he decided my entire life for me, he decided I would go to law school and spend the rest of my life as a judge or he would disown me. I didn't want to go to law school much less to live the rest of my life as a judge, so I thought I would hang in there until I turn 18 and when I turn 18 I will kill myself. When I turned 18 I didn't go to college and my stepfather disowned me, but I didn't kill myself, I kept postponing it until I started thinking I don't want to die, I just want to live my own life.
Also I was forced to take heavy meds since I was about 6 also until my late teens. I think they severely damaged my mind and body. The meds made me drowsy, I couldn't focus, I couldn't think well.
Also I was raised in a very violent and abusive household. It was an extremely dysfunctional family. There was stress and infighting every day. I almost successfully hanged myself when I was just 8 because I couldn't take it.
In any case I think at a young age I retreated into some kind of "defense mode" or "hibernation mode" and I stopped caring and started living just like an animal waiting to be slaughtered. I really thought I would kill myself upon graduating highschol, for most of my life I didn't think I would ever live to be this old, it was just like I'm going to kms when I turn 18 so whatever. I don't know, it was very difficult, it was like being in a state of not being myself, I was completely hopeless, I didn't grow and develop like a normal person, I didn't get to make simple choices in my childhood like "what do you want to be when you grow up", I didn't have a normal childhood. I just wanted to study, be a good student, learn a lot of things and go to an university, I just wanted to learn math and art as much as possible on my own and not care about anything else and get really good at it.
Anyway, I just lost my first 20 years of so of life, I didn't have a childhood and I didn't have an adolescence. I don't even remember most of my life, there are entire years that I simply don't remember and I only know about them through records like pictures or what other people tell me. I think it's something like a very severe dissociative identity disorder or depersonalization-derealization. I think I just like math and art and just wanted to be serious about those things from a young age, I think by now I would have gone very far already. I think I don't care about anything else, I don't want to play videogames or read manga or socialize or do any of the things people do, I just wanted to get good at those things because basically life is boring and I'm a loser and there's nothing else to do and I think I could be really good if I tried and there are so many things I want to make, I just like thinking and using my imagination and intuition, I can't imagine doing anything else, but now it's just too late. I'm going to be homeless, I live in a sh*thole and can't support myself and the people who support me are aging and gonna die before I can stand on my own legs, I can't even afford a drawing tablet. Even if I somehow make it and get enough time to get good at things I want to do it's like I said, people think I'm a bad person so it doesn't matter what I can actually do. It's very difficult to explain this, I think I'm a different person from what I've been, but I feel like I didn't get to be what I think I really am, and for some reason I can't understand I behaved like a different person and didn't live my own life. I don't know, I feel a lot of things, there's a lot of stuff I bottled up and wish I could talk about but it doesn't matter. I don't understand what happened, something very bad happened but I don't know exactly what. I just wanted to be a mathematician and an artist but I guess it's not meant for me, I'm just a bad person. It's a crushing feeling, thinking of everything that could have been, realizing you lost a quarter of a century of life, time you'll never have back. I would do anything for a chance, I wish I had had a childhood, I wish I could have grown and developed and made my choices, I really just wanted to learn math and art and go to an university and not care about anything else. I don't know, this is a very hard feeling, like you had your own life stolen from you and now you're just a ghost waiting to die, and even by the one in a million chance you get to still do something with your life you'll never reach the heights you could have reached if your life wasn't always so awful.
I really like the idea of reincarnation and wish it were possible, just once, I wish I were forgotten completely and that I myself could forget about everything that happened and that I could try again and see if I can do all of those things I wanted to do.
I don't know, nevermind, I'm just very mentally ill.
>>289334
>>289335
I believe in God very much. I don't follow any particular religion (although I find calvinist christianity to be the most reasonable), I'm just a theist. When I think God, I think of a mother rather than a father, and all the qualities of an ideal perfect mother like kindnesss wisdom tolerance forgiveness etc. It seems much better that way than to think of God as an old angry man with a beard and wrinkles.

 No.289338

>>289331
I guess you're young. It will pass at some point.

 No.289343

File: 1708618810987.png (3.4 MB, 1725x1102, 1725:1102, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

>>289338
No. There are so many things I want to do. I wish I could live to be 100 years old because there are so many things I want to. I just want to do serious math and art. I don't care about anything else. I just wish I were forgiven and that I can have enough time to do all the things I want to do.
I'll probably not get to, my life is over, I'll probably just become homeless soon, or something else very bad, at that point I'll give up. So I just wanted to say something. I just wanted to do math and art. I wish I had had a chance. I can't explain how but I lost my first 25 years of life to stupid things and it seems too late now, I just wish I had gotten into math and art some 20 years earlier. If I fail I wish I had another chance, like I always say like I could reincarnate or go back in time. I just want to be myself and live my life and try doing things my way but it sucks a lot.
I feel a lot of stuff, there are a lot of things, it's a very weird situation, I wish I could show what I mean, but I can't explain it properly so like I said I guess I'll just take it to the grave.
Sorry for being obnoxious and spamming. I don't know how I haven't been banned yet. Sorry. I'll just go now.

 No.289345

>>289162
>but to harbor this actual feelings isn't healthy for you.
yeah, i was just venting. i come here and yell when i'm feeling angriest, then it passes. no longer is it "i wish she'd die" it's "i pity her for wasting her life, and i understand she also had a terrible childhood, but i am her child and she should've done better/shouldn't have had a kid if she wasn't ready for one." and i think i've said this before, but as she had me at ~36, i can't really say i'm the reason she wasted it either. which gives me an incredibly high level of peace, i don't know how i grew up thinking she had me when she was 20 and stupid and didn't know any better

 No.289346

File: 1708623231332.jpg (106.19 KB, 1080x341, 1080:341, rp21vop3ft961-3590828738.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

Being born with a bad personality is so messed up.

I just couldn't help all the negative, narcissistic, self-pitying, defeatist thoughts in my head. Has was I supposed to will constructive thoughts? Even when life was obviously going the wrong way I was too stupid and weak to change and believed my own lies that any moment I will start turning my life around by myself with no outside help.

I just hate how I can't trust the only person that I should be able to rely on: myself. That's why I keep blogposting on imageboards because I feel like I need to run every thought by other people first. I hate being stupid and having to rely on others telling me what do.

Also there is no sympathy for a bad personality. It's open season for everyone to insult you as if a bad personality was a choice.

 No.289358

File: 1708686561572.png (7.58 MB, 2500x3334, 1250:1667, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

I just wanted to be a mathematician and an artist. And not care about anything else. But my life sucked a lot.
Sorry and nevermind.

 No.289359

>>289343
You shouldn't be too hard on yourself, no matter what this is the life you'll end up, if you had any other chance to not fuck it up, you wouldn't take it and it's fine. Just live the rest of your life and do what you wanna do.

 No.289360

>>289358
We get it, faggot. How many times do you need to post this? Sheesh!

 No.289361

File: 1708698536376.jpg (23.09 KB, 480x360, 4:3, hqdefault (1).jpg) ImgOps iqdb

All I wanted was to be an artist and mathematician.

 No.289366

>>289361
AND SHE SAID “NO YOU’RE ON DRUGS”

 No.289370

>>289337
>Why are you a bad person?
>I think I am a bad person
>proceeds to write a long winded post about his mental illness, not even mentioning a single reason as for why he's a bad person

Just get to the point. You're not a bad person, you are just really caught in your own mind.

 No.289372

Oh, God, why am I have spawned in Russia. Next live I want to born in Norway, pls. Or isekai as a Hero in Japan anime.

 No.289373

>>289372
Fuck russia, man. A shithole country with imperialistic ideas spaning acros fucking generations. Each new generation they invent new ways of fucking up the planet and even their own people.

 No.289374

>>289372
Pretend to be a refugee from the Ukraine and get free westernbux

 No.289375

the way my mother will yell for me to come to her for 30 minutes straight then get angry with me when [x] thing burns (she is too lazy to get up off the couch and walk ten seconds to the kitchen) drives me nuts. i've been interviewing a lot, got a few rejections, got ghosted, waiting on the results of one interview for a job i genuinely want, i hope i get it. i'm *pretty* sure i did okay at my last non-career job interview (suit store) and i think i'll get it but i also dread working with ultra normie richfags all day. at least it's part time…this post is scattered i have a headache


[Last 50 Posts]
[Go to top] [Catalog] [Return][Post a Reply]
Delete Post [ ]
[ Home ] [ wiz / dep / hob / lounge / jp / meta / games / music ] [ all ] [  Rules ] [  FAQ ] [  Search /  History ] [  Textboard ] [  Wiki ]