/dep/ - Depression

Home sweet home. The sweet sense of sadness and hopelessness is the only place I have felt home. After 32 years that's the only thing that gives me a sense of belonging. I love wallowing in sadness and depression and drinking. This is where I belong. Everything else is shallow and superficial and not real. Hello old friend sadness. I wish I could cry. That would be heaven. BUt I am still too emotionally dead for that.

I feel like I've been wasting my life and this year in particular but I never asked for this life and wouldn't mind dropping dead suddenly. Why do I care about something I never wanted or asked for? Depressed while slaving and studying. Depressed while a NEET. Nothing feels worthwhile but too scared to end my life myself.

I had a completely feral childhood. I slept without bedsheets, I never wore shoes, brushed my teeth, I had nothing but slop for food and suffered from iron deficiencies. I spent my entire childhood in front of a screen, and every morning mum would wake up and just start ranting about how we're the most horrible children in the world and no other mother suffers like she does. She made up stories about how the neighbors all hate us, and would tell her every week about how horrible us children are.

I was never hugged or shown affection. She'd bewilderingly spread rumors about how I was a school bully to all her friends. She told me my brother was going to die of a heart condition in a few years time and every time I upset him I brought him closer to death, she'd say the same about her rare super speshial MS condition and how I'm literally killing her. She paraded me out as a sickly disabled child and I'm on the cover of some disability magazine somewhere. She really got off on the idea of us being inferior and sickly.

One memory in particular that stands out is being five years old and at school for the first time, and just being around normal families when I was invited around. Where everyone sits at the table and talks, and is happy. I tried hanging around every night, desperate to be there. Once they started sending me home I threw a pear through their window in rage. A few years later I clinged to another friend's house and tried living there until they got sick of me and sent me home.

I just think of all the sad succubi out there who can't have children and childless people, who would love to have families, and contrast that with this person who lived on welfare, collected an exorbitant amount in child support, owned her own home, just being ungrateful for everything and doing nothing but moan.

Surprisingly though, I didn't grow up too fucked up from that. My brother who did have more problems got medicated by her to the point where he was a neurotic mess terrified in the corner screaming about ants.

>>294945
>I was never hugged or shown affection. She'd bewilderingly spread rumors about how I was a school bully to all her friends. She told me my brother was going to die of a heart condition in a few years time and every time I upset him I brought him closer to death, she'd say the same about her rare super speshial MS condition and how I'm literally killing her. She paraded me out as a sickly disabled child and I'm on the cover of some disability magazine somewhere. She really got off on the idea of us being inferior and sickly.

I need to adopt the mindset I often see online where people blame everyone else for their problems. Parents, cops, billionaires, etc. The "raised by narcissists" phenomenon.

Right now I blame everything on random acts of nature, like I was just born this way. Born ugly, born with no personality.

However, by blaming others, I at least acknowledge that these problems are human-made. This is a step towards believing they can be solved by humans. And ultimately, a step towards believing that I can solve them myself.

Humanity is fucked. The pace-of-life syndrome. A docu also says the higher castes in post-soviet prisons rob the maladjusted forcing them to scavenge in trash cans and then use the resulting bad smell as an excuse for raping them and making them harem faggots. Feedback sytems are a member of the recursive system class, with everything there essentally designed to produce exponentially more faggotry.

Im so fat, im 46 bmi. Psych meds and depression have completely fucked me over

>>294949
link to the documentary? Sounds interesting.
>>294945
I had a similarly bad childhood, you know those sickly animals shedding fur and covered in bruises constantly scanning the surrounding environment for threats? that was me for years. I feel like I died a few times years ago; maybe I did. I used to try to hang myself every day with a belt (partial suspension) attached to my doorframe every single day for months; I passed out a few times, but I always managed to wake up on the floor due to my body flailing around while unconscious. That said, complaining about your childhood to others is just shallow narcissism disguised as depth.

Anyone else obsessed with the worst parts of life? I watch videos of slaughterhouses, wars, famines, true crime, nuclear and chemical weapons etc. I was reading a account of the first Mongol invasion of Hungary about a guy hiding in the woods for 2 days covered in leaves while hearing people being searched and murdered around him - it's strange how badly we cling to life despite being passively suicidal.

How do I find a new obsession to replace occultism\paranormal and fringe ,true crime investigations?
Stupid shit consumed years off my life and I got nothing out of it, except killing time. What other "lifestyle-ism" or at least escapist fantasy can I have?
I like escapist fantasies; being a shingon monk, or ascetic in an indian mountain rage ,etc..But now all those interests are gone away thus.

>>294953
https://youtube.com/watch?v=8IWj1hOTXBA
It's in russian. Nevertheless, I will give the timing 51:31-53:00. Note the trash cans and the pictures of succubi on his walls. He is a prison chad (бугор). He tells how losers fall lower and lower on the hieararchy ladder until they become harem faggots (опущенные).

>>294955
saw the end of the video, they're naked and touching other's butts. russian jail is full of fags

>>294955
>age-restricted video
Thank you bro.

>>294954
All escapism amounts to the same result, which is as you put it, killing time. Doesn't mean it's bad, just that's what it is.

Anyone else noticed a huge uptick in bots/3rd world subhumans online recently? The entire internet is flooded with low IQ slop now, the only refuge is obscure internet forums and various articles and maybe the occasional actually decent yt video (with tons of extensions)

>>294964
I am NOT LESS THAN for being a 3rd worlder. I am Continent.

>>294964
Has it not been this way with Indians and Nigerians?

>>294958
I'm puzzled sometimes as to what people expect to gain from life other than killing time in comfort. If we look at nature, animals only act when they're stressed. Leisure is idle and conservative. If you're capable of leisure, you're at the zenith of living. Only stress is failure.

I hate my parents.

>>294971
Why? What they do?

I got a knee injury at my shitty job because my piece of shit scumbag manager made me keep working moving heavy things despite me visibly limping. I don't qualify for workman's comp because I didn't work enough hours this month and I have no legal recourse because this state makes it impossible to sue employers for injuries. Potentially I will be facing life changing health consequences for a job that barely even pays me enough money to buy food. I hate this country so much

My suicidal feelings are on the rise again. When I hear of people who killed themselves I feel some envy and a longing for it. It feels like going on a placid vacation away from all the pointless tasks and busywork of normals in this world, which are in the end just glorified distractions from it.

do depression meds help for someone who has had suicidal thoughts and lack of drive to live for their entire life?

>>294978
Some wiz wrote about this conclusively. The probability that it helps is about 50 percent.

>>294978
it did for me. but I don't know if its the anti depressent or the fact that I rest at home for years because of my illness. my psychitrist said it may be the meds. I don't know. all I know is I don't have suicide thoughts anymore

>>294978
>>294981
>>294982
And then, when for some reason you don't have access to the happy pills any more (likely because they became too expensive) your suicidal ideation will spike up tenfold.

A better living situation, an improved outlook, and a hobby are the only ways to combat "feeling suicidal because that's just how you feel".

>>294983
>hobby
You don't get it. When you are suicidal you barely have the energy to get up from bed. Hobby? Nigger, I even lack the will to eat and you are saying I should somehow engage in hobbies. I tried to force myself to get back to drawing I can't. It feels like torture and makes things worse, since I realize how much of a fucked ruin I am - can't do shit whatsoever.

>>294984
>You don't get it. When you are suicidal you barely have the energy to get up from bed
Projection. Don't use "you" when talking about your own feelings.

The majority of people who commit suicide in America are leading quite energetic and productive lives. People like YOU who try to normalize LDAR are harmful to everyone.

>>294989
Well, some of us LDAR and that makes us happy.

>>294977
Where is your hatred against this cucked world?

>>294973
You cant sue them because it was up to you to abandon them

>>294994
And then I would become homeless without a job to pay for rent or food. Either way I lose and they win. Because every law in the country is made to protect the rich and fuck over the poor. The same company stole wages that they owe me

>>294989
How I am normalizing anything? I indeed speak of my experience. Being suicidally depressed saps the strength out of me and makes everything just tiresome. Energetic and productive lives fueled by zombifying meds and shit, of course.

Those of you who are able to have a good sense of humor and are able to joke around and generally be positive, how do you do it?
Do you watch a lot of Hollywood and Netflix content?
I want to stop being a downer and I feel like being in touch with what modern people are watching would probably help.

It's just kind of hard to watch mainstream content because any time they show an uncool, gross, ugly, character it feels like they're showing someone who's like me and it destroys my psyche. This show is massively popular, everyone thinks what the show says is gospel, and they just described someone who looks like me as the perfect example of someone who everyone should be disgusted by. It's really depressing. But to be fair with modern tv, usually when they describe someone negatively it's based on their actions and words, not their appearance. So all I have to do is agree with the message and I don't have to worry.

It's just hard for me to watch a mainstream show because I have such a hard time agreeing with the morals they show because the mainstream has chewed me up so hard and spit me out. It feels like when I watch a mainstream show, if I agree with the message, then I'm validating all the pain I've felt in life.

It feels like I'm saying it was good that I was bullied by my peers so hard that I stopped going to school and got transferred to a special education school that didn't even give me a real diploma. It's good that I felt so depressed that I got sent to a mental hospital multiple times. I don't want to agree with mainstream society because I feel like I'm validating all the bullying and pain caused by my peers.

Or if I watch a tv show that shows a certain group in a positive light, if I agree with that then it's like I'm saying yes it's good that those people beat me to the ground and mugged me and took everything out of my pockets that I cared about.

I just need to learn to forgive and forget when it comes to past wrongs. Or perceived wrongs. Because obviously those people felt like they were doing the right thing. They saw someone weak who needed to be taught a lesson. Unfortunately I was just too dumb to learn that lesson and remained a pathetic piece of garbage who just sits around feeling sorry for himself.

The truth is there are people who have it way worse than me. There are people starving on the street. There are people right at this moment who are laying in a gutter, not sure if they will have enough food to survive to the end of the week. I need to keep that in mind. I need to stop thinking I'm a victim when there are people who have it so much worse. That's the core of it, I need to think of other people and their suffering, then I can realize there are people beyond me who need help and my issues aren't worth obsessing over so much.

I can't function at all. Can't watch movies, can't play games. Been like this for a month. Crying daily. Part of me feels like going to a doctor in desperation but im so scared of being sent a psych ward and I'm almost certain they wont give me any drugs that actually help. I dont know what to say to the doctor.

I already acquired a good rope and found information on how to use it but havent found an anchor point

I feel resigned to waste my life; I can't even remember the last time I felt human. I'm like an alien in comparison to others, they've always known something's different about me despite my pathetic attempts to integrate into their unforgiving social groups. Other men are like shell-shocked veterans slaving away at their soul crushing jobs with defeated eyes or they're like mindless carefree teenagers refusing to grow up and shoulder the mountainous burden of being a adult man - succubi are even worse, like a endless labyrinth built upon their sexual desires of being raped and conquered. I hate everyone I've ever met on some level. I want to be left alone to die like a hermit drowning in resentment and regret. There's nothing in life that can redeem such a boring painful experience. I just want to numb myself in pure opiate bliss while normalfags enjoy the vigour of youth and the company of each other.

If I imagine a blue 'social resources' bar over my head then it's always drained and the older I become the slower it recharges if at all. I always fell drained these days, every encounter completely ruins me.

>>294948
Why should a human-made problem necessarily be solvable by humans? Why should a nature-made problem not be? Ultimately it isn't a useful distinction, both types of problems are external, out of your control. They're in the same category.

>>294989
>The majority of people who commit suicide […]
This site is not the majority of people, nor the majority of suicidal people. His description of depression and being suicidal is consistent with that of many others here.
>People like YOU who try to normalize LDAR are harmful to everyone
He's not trying to "normalize" anything. He's sharing feelings about his depression on a thread intended for specifically that purpose.

>>294989
>You don't get it. When you are suicidal you barely have the energy to get up from bed
>Projection. Don't use "you" when talking about your own feelings.
I've been suicidal for so long that i've experienced all different sorts of states. There is definitely no single way to be suicidal, there are all different flavors to go through.

>>295081
Correct, but it would be interesting to know which states mostly occur when people actually go through with it. Not easy to research though as the sample of people to ask is dead.

You know who this is. I'm having a hell of a time talking the doctors out of euthanasia. My mother confirms I am being put to sleep… thing is the other night they tried again. I bawled so hard. It makes me want to cry right now. I hate that past of mine… I'm on the verge of tears all the time. I always wanted more of the good, moreover they wanna put me down over all the damage and it is bogus. I reckon they need an intervention for how they force a leucotomy over it all. I actfine but am universally hated by succubi.

should i try to get pregabalin (lyrica)?

>>295121
Nope! "Antidepressants" don't work. It's all just a chemical lobotmy that will leave you feeling suicidal the moment you miss a single pill.

Why can't I enjoy normal entertainment? Like watching movies hanging out with people, playing bowling with them etc. My workplace organizes socialising events, so I have the opportunities to get together with workmates and drink beer or whatever, and I usually attend those, but they feel like such chores. I'd rather stay home, but only because it just takes no effort to do nothing. I don't really enjoy anything now that I think about it, and the things I do in free time, I do them to somehow pass the time. end of rant

>>295130
Have been in such an anhedonic state for a few years now as well. Don't know what to tell you. "Going out of your comfort zone" is such an overplayed trope and all its done for me is make me feel uncomfortable and realize that whatever activity or event I tried out, wasn't for me. I'm tired of always feeling like I have to look so hard for something worthwhile to do. Sometimes I think to myself how nice it would be if I could just go into the woods and keep walking forever on a lonely, quiet path.

I share a room with a gay zoomer subhuman brother. He spends all day on Discord talking to his subhuman friends. I can't stand his voice any longer. I'm going insane. I need to leave this house.

>>294942
I loved your post, anon
Fucking saved

im tired of pain. physical pain. everything hurts, always, if not one thing, then another. my body is broken down completely. i spent a year and all my money on doctors and they didnt help, now its 100 times worse. my stomach is fucked, all my teeth as well. public healthcare is collapsed and i am dying. years of pointless suffering. i cant do anything in this state because i have to focus on the pain. the only thing left to do is suicide, but now its 10 times harder. when you are in pain, nothing else matters. im so weak i can barely walk, my heart feels like its gonna give out, good thing train tracks are a 5 minute walk from me. its my only hope.

>>295143
fuck I'm real sorry wiz. hope you can find salvation one way or another.

taedium vitae

>>295143
Can you describe what your problems are? I would like to help if at all possible.

>>295219
Wizards, I remember reading these paragraphs when I was younger, and was so struck by them that I copied them down. I’ve translated them as literally as possible. Life has always been hard, but I think good things await us hereafter.

Agedum, si quis velut e sublimi specula circumspiciat, ita ut Iovem Poetae facere praedicant, quot calamitatibus hominum vita sit obnoxia, quam misera, quam sordida nativitas, quam laboriosa educatio, quot iniuriis exposita pueritia, quot sudoribus adacta iuventus, quam gravis senectus, quam dura mortis necessitas, quot morborum agmina infestent, quot immineant casus, quot ingruant incommoda, quam nihil usquam non plurimo felle tinctum, ut ne commemorem ista, quae homini ab homine inferuntur mala, quod genus sunt, paupertas, carcer, infamia, pudor, tormenta, insidiae, proditio, convitia, lites, fraudes. Sed ego iam plane ton ammon anametrein aggredior. Porro quibus admissis ista commeruerint homines, aut quis Deus iratus eos in has miserias nasci coegerit, non est mihi fas in praesentia proloqui. Verum ista qui secum perpendat, nonne Milesiarum virginum probabit exemplum etiam si miserandum? At quinam potissimum sibi vitae taedio fatum accersivere Nonne sapientiae confines? Erasmus.

Come now, if any man just as if from a sublime watchtower may look around, thus as the Poets preach Juppiter to do, with how many calamities the life of man may be bothersome, how wretched and dirty a nativity, how laborious an education, a boyhood exposed to how many injuries, a youth driven by how many sweats, how heavy an old age, how hard [is] the necessity of death, how many groups of diseases may attack, how many falls may threaten, how many inconveniences may assault, how [there is] nothing ever not dyed without much poison, so that lest I may recall these things, which evils are borne in to man from man, [of] which sort they are, poverty, jail, infamy, shame, torments, ambushes, betrayal, reproaches, lawsuits, tricks. But now I plainly begin to count the sand. Then with which things admitted, men may have deserved these things, or which angry god may have forced them to be born into these miseries, it is not right for me in the present to say. But he who with himself may weigh these things, shall he not prove even the example of the Milesian virgins to be pitied? But they who then especially by taedium of life have summoned fate to themselves, are they not similar to wisdom?

Tamen quoniam piorum vita nihil aliud est, quam illius vitae meditatio, ac velut umbra quaedam, fit ut praemii quoque illius aliquando gustum aut ardorem aliquem sentiant. Id tametsi minutissima quaedam stillula est, ad fontem illum aeternae felicitatis, tamen longe superat universas corporis voluptates, etiam si omnes omnium mortalium deliciae in unum conferantur. Usque adeo praestant spiritualia corporalibus, invisibilia visibilibus. Hoc nimirum est quod pollicetur Propheta: 'Oculus non vidit, nec auris audivit, nec in cor hominis adscenderunt, quae praeparavit Deus diligentibus se'. Atque, haec est Moriae pars, quae non aufertur commutatione vitae, sed perficitur. Hoc igitur quibus sentire licuit, contingit autem perpaucis, ii patiuntur quoddam dementiae simillimum, loquuntur quaedam non satis cohaerentia, nec humano more, sed dant sine mente sonum, deinde subinde totam oris speciem vertunt. Nunc alacres, nunc deiecti, nunc lacrymant, nunc rident, nunc suspirant; in summa, vere toti extra se sunt. Mox ubi ad sese redierint, negant se scire, ubi fuerint, utrum in corpore, an extra corpus, vigilantes an dormientes, quid audierint, quid viderint, quid dixerint, quid fecerint, non meminerunt, nisi tamquam per nebulam, ac somnium, tantum hoc sciunt se felicissimos fuisse, dum ita desiperent. Itaque plorant sese resipuisse, nihilque omnium malint, quam hoc insaniae genus perpetuo insanire. Atque haec est futurae felicitatis tenuis quaedam degustatiuncula. Erasmus

Nevertheless because the life of pious men is nothing other, than the meditation of that life, and just as if a certain shadow, it is made so that also sometimes they may sense a taste of that reward or some heat. Although it is a very minute little drop, to that fountain of eternal happiness, withal by far it exceeds all the pleasures of the body, even if all the delights of all mortals may be conferred into one. Unto such a degree do spiritual things stand before bodily things, the invisible to the visible. This no wonder is that which the Prophet promises: “The eye hath not seen, nor hath the ear heard, nor into the heart of man have they ascended, which things God hath prepared for those loving Him.” And, this is that part of Foolishness, which is not borne away by the change of life [death], but it is perfected. On this account for whom it was lawful to feel, however it happens to very few, they suffer a certain little similitude of madness, they speak certain things not enough coherent, nor by human custom, but they give sound without mind, from thence repeatedly they turn all the appearance of the mouth. Sometimes eager, sometimes dejected, sometimes they cry, sometime they laugh, sometimes they whisper; in sum, verily they are wholly outside of themselves. Soon when they shall have returned to themselves, they deny themselves to know, where they may have been, whether in body, or outside [of] the body, watching or sleeping, what they may have heard, what they may have seen, what they may have said, what they may have done, they do not remember, until just as if through a mist, and a dream, only they know this — themselves to have been most happy, while thus they would be mad. There they lament themselves to have regained wisdom, they may prefer nothing of all things, than perpetually to be insane in this type of insanity. And this is a certain thin tiny taste of that future felicity.

>>295143
Have you tried a chiropractor?

How do you deal with NEETdom coming to an end? 5 years in and I've finally ran out of money. I still don't think I can accept the reality of a life of work and being a "member of society". It was never for me and it still isn't.

>>295257
I would rather kill myself than work.

>>295257
Pull an Uncle Remus and do whatever you can to get on disabilitybux.

I am here for a good reason:

Jimmy Carter's 100th birthday was yesterday, and I missed it. ;_;

I'm a retarded subhuman who should be in a mental institution. Pushing 40, low income and alone in my shitty apartment. Roleplaying as a non-genetically inferior depressed male every day. I'm approaching another mental breakdown. I can't take this anymore

Here's my rant:
I fucking hate the fact that out of all worlds that I could've been born in I'm here. I don't really believe in all that shit, but I'm desperate and this is my cope.
So what's the "life" in this world? Well you get born. Where? When? How? Randomly of course! You can be lucky and be born in rich family, be blessed with beauty, or if you're for some reason not lucky you'll get ugly body, birth in 3rd world country, abusive parents, poor family. Then you go to kindergarten. Not sure how that works in other countries, but where I live I got the worst friends I could get. Why? Because fuck me I guess. Then you go to the school. This shit lasts at least 9 years where I live. What people you'll get? You can't choose either! You can have nice classmates, who are helpful and friendly, or, you know, like me absolute assholes who would bully someone like me, who did did not spent their life on some gang shit. Oh and what's next? Doesn't matter, by that time you'll look on other people who DID NOT DO SHIT and still got better randoms: not ugly body, normal family, heck even one of my classmates got a fucking car from his parents. For free! This asshole didn't even do that much, he was just lucky. Many such examples.
The point I'm trying to get is EVERYTHING is defined by random, and you can't change shit. If life didn't want you becoming someone, you won't.
There could be millions of alternative universes, yet I'm born in this one: gray, random and cruel

>>295292
If you were born under different circumstances, especially if in a different world, that arguably wouldn't be you.
Though arguing about this would be just pointless intellectual masturbation.

And I, peeps, are extremely bald.

Dry eye syndrom is the worst health condition if you live in a cold climate. Can't read, not even on paper. No effective treatment exists. Your eyes and skin are constantly dry.

Kek
Free = Mary Sue
22$ p/month = High ffdotnet standards
50$ p/month = High AO3 standards

Looks like somebody is throwing stuff at my window. In the past month I've heard noises like that several time
Why don't people just leave me alone

>>295299
Please remind where this character is from. Going through my old video tapes I didn't realise just how many cartoons I watched as a kid.

>>295327
The Hunchback in Courage the Cowardly Dog
>And I, peeps, are extremely bald
is a quatition.I just googled.

Gee, I sure do miss those insufferable Gaza ads xp

Replied to someone's comment on YouTube, there was 1 comment below me. Got notification about my comment getting liked and saw that a new comment was posted below by a known public (yet not so much) person. I liked that comment. At about 1:30 am, I got the notification about the second like to my comment. Likely, that person got notified about their comment getting liked, returned and remembered that my comment was likeless and got 1 like since, saw no new comments in the branch below, and realized that likely I myself saw my comment getting liked and liked his new comment which was made later than mine. Thus, there was a probability it was me who liked his post. I saw the like on my comment, returned and liked his comment, he returned and liked my comment. Between my return and their return, it was like 6 hours in the video about 2-3 days old. No new comments below. Though it could've been someone else.

Today that man got killed.

Dear Billy Eyelash
Given the logic I've been bombarded with as of late, please change the lyrics/name of your song to
"I'm the conducive guy".
Cheers

>>295342
How do you know he died?

>>295347
It was in the news. Relative of a popular person.

>something pertaining to a container of glitter
Uh oh…

This will be the month i will unalive attempt to hopefully get on ssi

>>295259
Does not work and he had documentation when he was a kid

Being alive is so fucking annoying. It's like, hey, you are here, now go be a slave, suffer, your parents never did their job, but it's for you to experience the consequences. I always tried to escape my schizo life but now I think it wasn't so bad. I mean it's fucking hell but life is hell so…

AHHHHHH
I anim lovimating

>>295300
I know what that feels like. Never take Datura, eyes so dry you can't read. I like to call that cotton eyes, like cotton mouth

Sometimes it hits me how little I've experienced, my only real memories are what games I was playing during what month or year. Of all possible lives of all possible people of all possible modes of being / of belonging / of fulfillment / of novelty - and I get this one; the free trial human. In aggregate it's not so bad, better than spending your one short life a conscript or serf, but I wasn't a person. Imagine the butterfly effect with a 1000x multiplier, places you should've been, people you should've known, things you should've learnt - whatever fate had in store, I did a fucking full throttle drift in the opposite direction and kept going. A life not lived is the ultimate insult to everything. A life unalived.

>>295390
Nice picture, do you happen to have a source? I understand your feeling but I also think that we're negatively biased in thinking this way. Arguably, most things are worth experiencing (overly negative ones aren't I think) so this mode of being too is a worthwhile experience so long as it doesn't make you suffer or you're longing to do something else the entire time.

>>295391
the work is something https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ivan_Shishkin would paint.

>>295405
Anon, you using meme generators to make memes of yourself is really embarassing. These are the kind of things you should not post in public boards.

>>295405
is this supposed to be funny ?

I just like math a lot and wish I could invest a lot of time into it, like 5 decades at least.
I wish so much I had gotten into math and computer science when I was very little, like when I was 3 to 7 years old. I wish I had spent my entire childhood and teenage years just studying math a lot every day and doing nothing but that, reading math books and using computers and the internet to learn more math and computer science, no videogames no anime no porn no friends no g1rls nothing but math. Then I wish I had gone to an university and become a serious mathematician and spend the rest of my life reading, learning, researching, writing proofs, solving problems, writing a lot.
If there's a god or an angel reading this, please give me a second chance. Please let me try again. I wish I could reincarnate or go back in time, to try again. I wish I could be born again. I wish I could start life again from zero, just to get into math earlier and go to a nice university and do the most possible. I didn't live my life to its full potential, I think it could have been different. I got fucked up early in my life due to extreme conditions, there was a lot of abuse, I probably got extreme trauma that really fucked me up, I developed a lot of mental illnesses. I was also forced to take SSRIs when I had a single digit age and it lobotomized me, I don't even remember most of my life.
I just love math a lot and wish I could have had it from the very beginning of my life, I think I could have gone very far. I don't care about games or anime or pleasure or entertainment or money or forming relationships or starting a family, I am just completely dedicated to math 24/7. My favorite areas right now are theoretical computer science and cryptography, but I also like other areas like combinatorics, number theory, algebra, logic, foundations, etc.
I really wish I could reincarnate or go back in time because I think I can't reach my full potential anymore, I lost the first and best 25 years of my life being a slave, being a clown, I just lost all that precious time and wish so much I had it all back somehow. I wish I could try again, I wish I could have lived my life the way I think is right from the start and achieve my full potential and go very far. Now there's a 25 year long hole in my chest and I don't think it can be forgotten.
There are so many things I wish I could say but I'm not good with words. I can never properly express myself. Nevermind all of this, it doesn't matter, I'm just very mentally ill.

Nevermind.

>>295476
Not this shit again

I wish I had been alive before that wizard was born so I could have prevented his birth and have dep a little less bloated

>>295482
He figured out the way to bypass jannie seethe and still spam

>>295472
I feel similar since I just fucked up choosing important modules in my uni which I shouldve applied to in september or earlier. I pretty much fucked up everything and now Im probably going to have apply for additionak semesters to fix this. The worst thing, I cant write my bachelor thesis without the knowledge from the modules so its a chivken and egg problem if I ant to do it in the added semester so I might even have to apply for two extra semesters. I pretty much fucked up thanks to my escapism…

>>295472
>>295476
you're back! I thought you had killed yourself

What an embarrassment.

With great power comes great responsibility.
And even if its lyrics were 100% true, listening to Bite my Tongue, by You Me at Six a hundred too many times, by the end of last decade, wasn't really even a standard power =.=..

i remember when he used to write the exact same shit but instead of studying math and cs it was playing eroge 24/7

>>295495
The crawl thread summoned him or it resurrected him from the dead I suppose.

>>295501
Because, you know:
Their other song, Room to Breathe is such a timeless testament to the credible success of your beloved "rationality" =.=…