No.294941[Last 50 Posts]
Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.
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>>291261 No.294942
Home sweet home. The sweet sense of sadness and hopelessness is the only place I have felt home. After 32 years that's the only thing that gives me a sense of belonging. I love wallowing in sadness and depression and drinking. This is where I belong. Everything else is shallow and superficial and not real. Hello old friend sadness. I wish I could cry. That would be heaven. BUt I am still too emotionally dead for that.
No.294943
I feel like I've been wasting my life and this year in particular but I never asked for this life and wouldn't mind dropping dead suddenly. Why do I care about something I never wanted or asked for? Depressed while slaving and studying. Depressed while a NEET. Nothing feels worthwhile but too scared to end my life myself.
No.294945
I had a completely feral childhood. I slept without bedsheets, I never wore shoes, brushed my teeth, I had nothing but slop for food and suffered from iron deficiencies. I spent my entire childhood in front of a screen, and every morning mum would wake up and just start ranting about how we're the most horrible children in the world and no other mother suffers like she does. She made up stories about how the neighbors all hate us, and would tell her every week about how horrible us children are.
I was never hugged or shown affection. She'd bewilderingly spread rumors about how I was a school bully to all her friends. She told me my brother was going to die of a heart condition in a few years time and every time I upset him I brought him closer to death, she'd say the same about her rare super speshial MS condition and how I'm literally killing her. She paraded me out as a sickly disabled child and I'm on the cover of some disability magazine somewhere. She really got off on the idea of us being inferior and sickly.
One memory in particular that stands out is being five years old and at school for the first time, and just being around normal families when I was invited around. Where everyone sits at the table and talks, and is happy. I tried hanging around every night, desperate to be there. Once they started sending me home I threw a pear through their window in rage. A few years later I clinged to another friend's house and tried living there until they got sick of me and sent me home.
I just think of all the sad succubi out there who can't have children and childless people, who would love to have families, and contrast that with this person who lived on welfare, collected an exorbitant amount in child support, owned her own home, just being ungrateful for everything and doing nothing but moan.
Surprisingly though, I didn't grow up too fucked up from that. My brother who did have more problems got medicated by her to the point where he was a neurotic mess terrified in the corner screaming about ants.
No.294948
>>294945>I was never hugged or shown affection. She'd bewilderingly spread rumors about how I was a school bully to all her friends. She told me my brother was going to die of a heart condition in a few years time and every time I upset him I brought him closer to death, she'd say the same about her rare super speshial MS condition and how I'm literally killing her. She paraded me out as a sickly disabled child and I'm on the cover of some disability magazine somewhere. She really got off on the idea of us being inferior and sickly.I need to adopt the mindset I often see online where people blame everyone else for their problems. Parents, cops, billionaires, etc. The "raised by narcissists" phenomenon.
Right now I blame everything on random acts of nature, like I was just born this way. Born ugly, born with no personality.
However, by blaming others, I at least acknowledge that these problems are human-made. This is a step towards believing they can be solved by humans. And ultimately, a step towards believing that I can solve them myself.
No.294949
Humanity is fucked. The pace-of-life syndrome. A docu also says the higher castes in post-soviet prisons rob the maladjusted forcing them to scavenge in trash cans and then use the resulting bad smell as an excuse for raping them and making them harem faggots. Feedback sytems are a member of the recursive system class, with everything there essentally designed to produce exponentially more faggotry.
No.294953
>>294949link to the documentary? Sounds interesting.
>>294945I had a similarly bad childhood, you know those sickly animals shedding fur and covered in bruises constantly scanning the surrounding environment for threats? that was me for years. I feel like I died a few times years ago; maybe I did. I used to try to hang myself every day with a belt (partial suspension) attached to my doorframe every single day for months; I passed out a few times, but I always managed to wake up on the floor due to my body flailing around while unconscious. That said, complaining about your childhood to others is just shallow narcissism disguised as depth.
Anyone else obsessed with the worst parts of life? I watch videos of slaughterhouses, wars, famines, true crime, nuclear and chemical weapons etc. I was reading a account of the first Mongol invasion of Hungary about a guy hiding in the woods for 2 days covered in leaves while hearing people being searched and murdered around him - it's strange how badly we cling to life despite being passively suicidal.
No.294955
>>294953https://youtube.com/watch?v=8IWj1hOTXBAIt's in russian. Nevertheless, I will give the timing 51:31-53:00. Note the trash cans and the pictures of succubi on his walls. He is a prison chad (бугор). He tells how losers fall lower and lower on the hieararchy ladder until they become harem faggots (опущенные).
No.294956
>>294955saw the end of the video, they're naked and touching other's butts. russian jail is full of fags
No.294957
>>294955>age-restricted videoThank you bro.
No.294958
>>294954All escapism amounts to the same result, which is as you put it, killing time. Doesn't mean it's bad, just that's what it is.
No.294964
Anyone else noticed a huge uptick in bots/3rd world subhumans online recently? The entire internet is flooded with low IQ slop now, the only refuge is obscure internet forums and various articles and maybe the occasional actually decent yt video (with tons of extensions)
No.294967
>>294964Has it not been this way with Indians and Nigerians?
No.294969
>>294958I'm puzzled sometimes as to what people expect to gain from life other than killing time in comfort. If we look at nature, animals only act when they're stressed. Leisure is idle and conservative. If you're capable of leisure, you're at the zenith of living. Only stress is failure.
No.294971
I hate my parents.
No.294972
>>294971Why? What they do?
No.294973
I got a knee injury at my shitty job because my piece of shit scumbag manager made me keep working moving heavy things despite me visibly limping. I don't qualify for workman's comp because I didn't work enough hours this month and I have no legal recourse because this state makes it impossible to sue employers for injuries. Potentially I will be facing life changing health consequences for a job that barely even pays me enough money to buy food. I hate this country so much
No.294977
My suicidal feelings are on the rise again. When I hear of people who killed themselves I feel some envy and a longing for it. It feels like going on a placid vacation away from all the pointless tasks and busywork of normals in this world, which are in the end just glorified distractions from it.
No.294978
do depression meds help for someone who has had suicidal thoughts and lack of drive to live for their entire life?
No.294981
>>294978Some wiz wrote about this conclusively. The probability that it helps is about 50 percent.
No.294982
>>294978it did for me. but I don't know if its the anti depressent or the fact that I rest at home for years because of my illness. my psychitrist said it may be the meds. I don't know. all I know is I don't have suicide thoughts anymore
No.294983
>>294978>>294981>>294982And then, when for some reason you don't have access to the happy pills any more (likely because they became too expensive) your suicidal ideation will spike up tenfold.
A better living situation, an improved outlook, and a hobby are the only ways to combat "feeling suicidal because that's just how you feel".
No.294984
>>294983>hobbyYou don't get it. When you are suicidal you barely have the energy to get up from bed. Hobby? Nigger, I even lack the will to eat and you are saying I should somehow engage in hobbies. I tried to force myself to get back to drawing I can't. It feels like torture and makes things worse, since I realize how much of a fucked ruin I am - can't do shit whatsoever.
No.294989
>>294984>You don't get it. When you are suicidal you barely have the energy to get up from bedProjection. Don't use "you" when talking about your own feelings.
The majority of people who commit suicide in America are leading quite energetic and productive lives. People like YOU who try to normalize LDAR are harmful to everyone.
No.294992
>>294989Well, some of us LDAR and that makes us happy.
No.294993
>>294977Where is your hatred against this cucked world?
No.294994
>>294973You cant sue them because it was up to you to abandon them
No.294999
>>294994And then I would become homeless without a job to pay for rent or food. Either way I lose and they win. Because every law in the country is made to protect the rich and fuck over the poor. The same company stole wages that they owe me
No.295037
>>294989How I am normalizing anything? I indeed speak of my experience. Being suicidally depressed saps the strength out of me and makes everything just tiresome. Energetic and productive lives fueled by zombifying meds and shit, of course.
No.295049
Those of you who are able to have a good sense of humor and are able to joke around and generally be positive, how do you do it?
Do you watch a lot of Hollywood and Netflix content?
I want to stop being a downer and I feel like being in touch with what modern people are watching would probably help.
It's just kind of hard to watch mainstream content because any time they show an uncool, gross, ugly, character it feels like they're showing someone who's like me and it destroys my psyche. This show is massively popular, everyone thinks what the show says is gospel, and they just described someone who looks like me as the perfect example of someone who everyone should be disgusted by. It's really depressing. But to be fair with modern tv, usually when they describe someone negatively it's based on their actions and words, not their appearance. So all I have to do is agree with the message and I don't have to worry.
It's just hard for me to watch a mainstream show because I have such a hard time agreeing with the morals they show because the mainstream has chewed me up so hard and spit me out. It feels like when I watch a mainstream show, if I agree with the message, then I'm validating all the pain I've felt in life.
It feels like I'm saying it was good that I was bullied by my peers so hard that I stopped going to school and got transferred to a special education school that didn't even give me a real diploma. It's good that I felt so depressed that I got sent to a mental hospital multiple times. I don't want to agree with mainstream society because I feel like I'm validating all the bullying and pain caused by my peers.
Or if I watch a tv show that shows a certain group in a positive light, if I agree with that then it's like I'm saying yes it's good that those people beat me to the ground and mugged me and took everything out of my pockets that I cared about.
I just need to learn to forgive and forget when it comes to past wrongs. Or perceived wrongs. Because obviously those people felt like they were doing the right thing. They saw someone weak who needed to be taught a lesson. Unfortunately I was just too dumb to learn that lesson and remained a pathetic piece of garbage who just sits around feeling sorry for himself.
The truth is there are people who have it way worse than me. There are people starving on the street. There are people right at this moment who are laying in a gutter, not sure if they will have enough food to survive to the end of the week. I need to keep that in mind. I need to stop thinking I'm a victim when there are people who have it so much worse. That's the core of it, I need to think of other people and their suffering, then I can realize there are people beyond me who need help and my issues aren't worth obsessing over so much.
No.295057
I can't function at all. Can't watch movies, can't play games. Been like this for a month. Crying daily. Part of me feels like going to a doctor in desperation but im so scared of being sent a psych ward and I'm almost certain they wont give me any drugs that actually help. I dont know what to say to the doctor.
I already acquired a good rope and found information on how to use it but havent found an anchor point
No.295068
If I imagine a blue 'social resources' bar over my head then it's always drained and the older I become the slower it recharges if at all. I always fell drained these days, every encounter completely ruins me.
No.295074
>>294948Why should a human-made problem necessarily be solvable by humans? Why should a nature-made problem not be? Ultimately it isn't a useful distinction, both types of problems are external, out of your control. They're in the same category.
>>294989>The majority of people who commit suicide […]This site is not the majority of people, nor the majority of suicidal people. His description of depression and being suicidal is consistent with that of many others here.
>People like YOU who try to normalize LDAR are harmful to everyoneHe's not trying to "normalize" anything. He's sharing feelings about his depression on a thread intended for specifically that purpose.
No.295081
>>294989>You don't get it. When you are suicidal you barely have the energy to get up from bed>Projection. Don't use "you" when talking about your own feelings.I've been suicidal for so long that i've experienced all different sorts of states. There is definitely no single way to be suicidal, there are all different flavors to go through.
No.295084
>>295081Correct, but it would be interesting to know which states mostly occur when people actually go through with it. Not easy to research though as the sample of people to ask is dead.
No.295118
You know who this is. I'm having a hell of a time talking the doctors out of euthanasia. My mother confirms I am being put to sleep… thing is the other night they tried again. I bawled so hard. It makes me want to cry right now. I hate that past of mine… I'm on the verge of tears all the time. I always wanted more of the good, moreover they wanna put me down over all the damage and it is bogus. I reckon they need an intervention for how they force a leucotomy over it all. I actfine but am universally hated by succubi.
No.295121
should i try to get pregabalin (lyrica)?
No.295122
>>295121Nope! "Antidepressants" don't work. It's all just a chemical lobotmy that will leave you feeling suicidal the moment you miss a single pill.
No.295130
Why can't I enjoy normal entertainment? Like watching movies hanging out with people, playing bowling with them etc. My workplace organizes socialising events, so I have the opportunities to get together with workmates and drink beer or whatever, and I usually attend those, but they feel like such chores. I'd rather stay home, but only because it just takes no effort to do nothing. I don't really enjoy anything now that I think about it, and the things I do in free time, I do them to somehow pass the time. end of rant
No.295131
>>295130Have been in such an anhedonic state for a few years now as well. Don't know what to tell you. "Going out of your comfort zone" is such an overplayed trope and all its done for me is make me feel uncomfortable and realize that whatever activity or event I tried out, wasn't for me. I'm tired of always feeling like I have to look so hard for something worthwhile to do. Sometimes I think to myself how nice it would be if I could just go into the woods and keep walking forever on a lonely, quiet path.
No.295138
I share a room with a gay zoomer subhuman brother. He spends all day on Discord talking to his subhuman friends. I can't stand his voice any longer. I'm going insane. I need to leave this house.
No.295139
>>294942I loved your post, anon
Fucking saved
No.295143
im tired of pain. physical pain. everything hurts, always, if not one thing, then another. my body is broken down completely. i spent a year and all my money on doctors and they didnt help, now its 100 times worse. my stomach is fucked, all my teeth as well. public healthcare is collapsed and i am dying. years of pointless suffering. i cant do anything in this state because i have to focus on the pain. the only thing left to do is suicide, but now its 10 times harder. when you are in pain, nothing else matters. im so weak i can barely walk, my heart feels like its gonna give out, good thing train tracks are a 5 minute walk from me. its my only hope.
No.295144
>>295143fuck I'm real sorry wiz. hope you can find salvation one way or another.
No.295221
>>295143Can you describe what your problems are? I would like to help if at all possible.
No.295224
>>295219Wizards, I remember reading these paragraphs when I was younger, and was so struck by them that I copied them down. I’ve translated them as literally as possible. Life has always been hard, but I think good things await us hereafter.
Agedum, si quis velut e sublimi specula circumspiciat, ita ut Iovem Poetae facere praedicant, quot calamitatibus hominum vita sit obnoxia, quam misera, quam sordida nativitas, quam laboriosa educatio, quot iniuriis exposita pueritia, quot sudoribus adacta iuventus, quam gravis senectus, quam dura mortis necessitas, quot morborum agmina infestent, quot immineant casus, quot ingruant incommoda, quam nihil usquam non plurimo felle tinctum, ut ne commemorem ista, quae homini ab homine inferuntur mala, quod genus sunt, paupertas, carcer, infamia, pudor, tormenta, insidiae, proditio, convitia, lites, fraudes. Sed ego iam plane ton ammon anametrein aggredior. Porro quibus admissis ista commeruerint homines, aut quis Deus iratus eos in has miserias nasci coegerit, non est mihi fas in praesentia proloqui. Verum ista qui secum perpendat, nonne Milesiarum virginum probabit exemplum etiam si miserandum? At quinam potissimum sibi vitae taedio fatum accersivere Nonne sapientiae confines? Erasmus.
Come now, if any man just as if from a sublime watchtower may look around, thus as the Poets preach Juppiter to do, with how many calamities the life of man may be bothersome, how wretched and dirty a nativity, how laborious an education, a boyhood exposed to how many injuries, a youth driven by how many sweats, how heavy an old age, how hard [is] the necessity of death, how many groups of diseases may attack, how many falls may threaten, how many inconveniences may assault, how [there is] nothing ever not dyed without much poison, so that lest I may recall these things, which evils are borne in to man from man, [of] which sort they are, poverty, jail, infamy, shame, torments, ambushes, betrayal, reproaches, lawsuits, tricks. But now I plainly begin to count the sand. Then with which things admitted, men may have deserved these things, or which angry god may have forced them to be born into these miseries, it is not right for me in the present to say. But he who with himself may weigh these things, shall he not prove even the example of the Milesian virgins to be pitied? But they who then especially by taedium of life have summoned fate to themselves, are they not similar to wisdom?
Tamen quoniam piorum vita nihil aliud est, quam illius vitae meditatio, ac velut umbra quaedam, fit ut praemii quoque illius aliquando gustum aut ardorem aliquem sentiant. Id tametsi minutissima quaedam stillula est, ad fontem illum aeternae felicitatis, tamen longe superat universas corporis voluptates, etiam si omnes omnium mortalium deliciae in unum conferantur. Usque adeo praestant spiritualia corporalibus, invisibilia visibilibus. Hoc nimirum est quod pollicetur Propheta: 'Oculus non vidit, nec auris audivit, nec in cor hominis adscenderunt, quae praeparavit Deus diligentibus se'. Atque, haec est Moriae pars, quae non aufertur commutatione vitae, sed perficitur. Hoc igitur quibus sentire licuit, contingit autem perpaucis, ii patiuntur quoddam dementiae simillimum, loquuntur quaedam non satis cohaerentia, nec humano more, sed dant sine mente sonum, deinde subinde totam oris speciem vertunt. Nunc alacres, nunc deiecti, nunc lacrymant, nunc rident, nunc suspirant; in summa, vere toti extra se sunt. Mox ubi ad sese redierint, negant se scire, ubi fuerint, utrum in corpore, an extra corpus, vigilantes an dormientes, quid audierint, quid viderint, quid dixerint, quid fecerint, non meminerunt, nisi tamquam per nebulam, ac somnium, tantum hoc sciunt se felicissimos fuisse, dum ita desiperent. Itaque plorant sese resipuisse, nihilque omnium malint, quam hoc insaniae genus perpetuo insanire. Atque haec est futurae felicitatis tenuis quaedam degustatiuncula. Erasmus
Nevertheless because the life of pious men is nothing other, than the meditation of that life, and just as if a certain shadow, it is made so that also sometimes they may sense a taste of that reward or some heat. Although it is a very minute little drop, to that fountain of eternal happiness, withal by far it exceeds all the pleasures of the body, even if all the delights of all mortals may be conferred into one. Unto such a degree do spiritual things stand before bodily things, the invisible to the visible. This no wonder is that which the Prophet promises: “The eye hath not seen, nor hath the ear heard, nor into the heart of man have they ascended, which things God hath prepared for those loving Him.” And, this is that part of Foolishness, which is not borne away by the change of life [death], but it is perfected. On this account for whom it was lawful to feel, however it happens to very few, they suffer a certain little similitude of madness, they speak certain things not enough coherent, nor by human custom, but they give sound without mind, from thence repeatedly they turn all the appearance of the mouth. Sometimes eager, sometimes dejected, sometimes they cry, sometime they laugh, sometimes they whisper; in sum, verily they are wholly outside of themselves. Soon when they shall have returned to themselves, they deny themselves to know, where they may have been, whether in body, or outside [of] the body, watching or sleeping, what they may have heard, what they may have seen, what they may have said, what they may have done, they do not remember, until just as if through a mist, and a dream, only they know this — themselves to have been most happy, while thus they would be mad. There they lament themselves to have regained wisdom, they may prefer nothing of all things, than perpetually to be insane in this type of insanity. And this is a certain thin tiny taste of that future felicity.
No.295236
>>295143Have you tried a chiropractor?
No.295257
How do you deal with NEETdom coming to an end? 5 years in and I've finally ran out of money. I still don't think I can accept the reality of a life of work and being a "member of society". It was never for me and it still isn't.
No.295258
>>295257I would rather kill myself than work.
No.295259
>>295257Pull an Uncle Remus and do whatever you can to get on disabilitybux.
No.295284
I am here for a good reason:
Jimmy Carter's 100th birthday was yesterday, and I missed it. ;_;
No.295289
I'm a retarded subhuman who should be in a mental institution. Pushing 40, low income and alone in my shitty apartment. Roleplaying as a non-genetically inferior depressed male every day. I'm approaching another mental breakdown. I can't take this anymore
No.295292
Here's my rant:
I fucking hate the fact that out of all worlds that I could've been born in I'm here. I don't really believe in all that shit, but I'm desperate and this is my cope.
So what's the "life" in this world? Well you get born. Where? When? How? Randomly of course! You can be lucky and be born in rich family, be blessed with beauty, or if you're for some reason not lucky you'll get ugly body, birth in 3rd world country, abusive parents, poor family. Then you go to kindergarten. Not sure how that works in other countries, but where I live I got the worst friends I could get. Why? Because fuck me I guess. Then you go to the school. This shit lasts at least 9 years where I live. What people you'll get? You can't choose either! You can have nice classmates, who are helpful and friendly, or, you know, like me absolute assholes who would bully someone like me, who did did not spent their life on some gang shit. Oh and what's next? Doesn't matter, by that time you'll look on other people who DID NOT DO SHIT and still got better randoms: not ugly body, normal family, heck even one of my classmates got a fucking car from his parents. For free! This asshole didn't even do that much, he was just lucky. Many such examples.
The point I'm trying to get is EVERYTHING is defined by random, and you can't change shit. If life didn't want you becoming someone, you won't.
There could be millions of alternative universes, yet I'm born in this one: gray, random and cruel
No.295298
>>295292If you were born under different circumstances, especially if in a different world, that arguably wouldn't be you.
Though arguing about this would be just pointless intellectual masturbation.
No.295300
Dry eye syndrom is the worst health condition if you live in a cold climate. Can't read, not even on paper. No effective treatment exists. Your eyes and skin are constantly dry.
No.295326
Looks like somebody is throwing stuff at my window. In the past month I've heard noises like that several time
Why don't people just leave me alone
No.295327
>>295299Please remind where this character is from. Going through my old video tapes I didn't realise just how many cartoons I watched as a kid.
No.295328
>>295327The Hunchback in Courage the Cowardly Dog
>And I, peeps, are extremely baldis a quatition.I just googled.
No.295341
Gee, I sure do miss those insufferable Gaza ads xp
No.295342
Replied to someone's comment on YouTube, there was 1 comment below me. Got notification about my comment getting liked and saw that a new comment was posted below by a known public (yet not so much) person. I liked that comment. At about 1:30 am, I got the notification about the second like to my comment. Likely, that person got notified about their comment getting liked, returned and remembered that my comment was likeless and got 1 like since, saw no new comments in the branch below, and realized that likely I myself saw my comment getting liked and liked his new comment which was made later than mine. Thus, there was a probability it was me who liked his post. I saw the like on my comment, returned and liked his comment, he returned and liked my comment. Between my return and their return, it was like 6 hours in the video about 2-3 days old. No new comments below. Though it could've been someone else.
Today that man got killed.
No.295347
>>295342How do you know he died?
No.295353
>>295347It was in the news. Relative of a popular person.
No.295366
>something pertaining to a container of glitter
Uh oh…
No.295372
This will be the month i will unalive attempt to hopefully get on ssi
No.295376
>>295259Does not work and he had documentation when he was a kid
No.295378
Being alive is so fucking annoying. It's like, hey, you are here, now go be a slave, suffer, your parents never did their job, but it's for you to experience the consequences. I always tried to escape my schizo life but now I think it wasn't so bad. I mean it's fucking hell but life is hell so…
No.295382
>>295300I know what that feels like. Never take Datura, eyes so dry you can't read. I like to call that cotton eyes, like cotton mouth
No.295391
>>295390Nice picture, do you happen to have a source? I understand your feeling but I also think that we're negatively biased in thinking this way. Arguably, most things are worth experiencing (overly negative ones aren't I think) so this mode of being too is a worthwhile experience so long as it doesn't make you suffer or you're longing to do something else the entire time.
No.295406
>>295405Anon, you using meme generators to make memes of yourself is really embarassing. These are the kind of things you should not post in public boards.
No.295416
>>295405is this supposed to be funny ?
No.295472
I just like math a lot and wish I could invest a lot of time into it, like 5 decades at least.
I wish so much I had gotten into math and computer science when I was very little, like when I was 3 to 7 years old. I wish I had spent my entire childhood and teenage years just studying math a lot every day and doing nothing but that, reading math books and using computers and the internet to learn more math and computer science, no videogames no anime no porn no friends no g1rls nothing but math. Then I wish I had gone to an university and become a serious mathematician and spend the rest of my life reading, learning, researching, writing proofs, solving problems, writing a lot.
If there's a god or an angel reading this, please give me a second chance. Please let me try again. I wish I could reincarnate or go back in time, to try again. I wish I could be born again. I wish I could start life again from zero, just to get into math earlier and go to a nice university and do the most possible. I didn't live my life to its full potential, I think it could have been different. I got fucked up early in my life due to extreme conditions, there was a lot of abuse, I probably got extreme trauma that really fucked me up, I developed a lot of mental illnesses. I was also forced to take SSRIs when I had a single digit age and it lobotomized me, I don't even remember most of my life.
I just love math a lot and wish I could have had it from the very beginning of my life, I think I could have gone very far. I don't care about games or anime or pleasure or entertainment or money or forming relationships or starting a family, I am just completely dedicated to math 24/7. My favorite areas right now are theoretical computer science and cryptography, but I also like other areas like combinatorics, number theory, algebra, logic, foundations, etc.
I really wish I could reincarnate or go back in time because I think I can't reach my full potential anymore, I lost the first and best 25 years of my life being a slave, being a clown, I just lost all that precious time and wish so much I had it all back somehow. I wish I could try again, I wish I could have lived my life the way I think is right from the start and achieve my full potential and go very far. Now there's a 25 year long hole in my chest and I don't think it can be forgotten.
There are so many things I wish I could say but I'm not good with words. I can never properly express myself. Nevermind all of this, it doesn't matter, I'm just very mentally ill.
No.295477
>>295476Not this shit again
No.295482
I wish I had been alive before that wizard was born so I could have prevented his birth and have dep a little less bloated
No.295484
>>295482He figured out the way to bypass jannie seethe and still spam
No.295485
>>295472I feel similar since I just fucked up choosing important modules in my uni which I shouldve applied to in september or earlier. I pretty much fucked up everything and now Im probably going to have apply for additionak semesters to fix this. The worst thing, I cant write my bachelor thesis without the knowledge from the modules so its a chivken and egg problem if I ant to do it in the added semester so I might even have to apply for two extra semesters. I pretty much fucked up thanks to my escapism…
No.295495
>>295472>>295476you're back! I thought you had killed yourself
No.295501
With great power comes great responsibility.
And even if its lyrics were 100% true, listening to Bite my Tongue, by You Me at Six a hundred too many times, by the end of last decade, wasn't really even a standard power =.=..
No.295502
i remember when he used to write the exact same shit but instead of studying math and cs it was playing eroge 24/7
No.295504
>>295495The crawl thread summoned him or it resurrected him from the dead I suppose.
No.295540
>>295501Because, you know:
Their other song,
Room to Breathe is such a timeless testament to the credible success of your beloved "rationality" =.=…
No.295554
>>295551if you want my opinion get a dog it will make you feel less lonely
No.295565
>>295139Being alive is just really awful. The state of being aware of things is of no benefit. This keeps getting more and more clearly to me. Not being conscious is simply preferable. The horrors of being alive are not worth it. It will always get worse. It will always be in your way. Life is being forced into life. There is a 'having to be alive' that really cuts any other positive thought, you are forced to be conscious of things and there's no reason. This is true horror and only death is liberation from this. Every time I am here this is increasingly more clear. All the other copes of people trying to get by, to slave away, trying to stay sane, healthy and wealthy, all these attempts are merely copes, if even. It's all hopeless. I envy people that kill themselves, that die by accident, that cease to be. Only these people are free. I wish I would get a lethal illness, because I am too much of a failure of a human being to go through with it finally still. Fuck.
No.295567
It really seems so obvious that the solution to suffering is to simply stop making things that suffer. But people insist and say they'll find a solution later, and thousands of years later it never comes. Even the bible has verses like, "And I thought the dead who are already dead more fortunate than the living who are still alive; but better than both is he who has not yet been, and has not seen the evil deeds that are done under the sun." Even some ancient Jewish priest in a desert knew the score, it's not hard to figure out.
Too bad I am too much of a pussy to follow through with it. I got pretty close once but couldn't do it even after an hour of sitting there with a gun. I know logically I can't regret following through with it or be put into a worse state after I die because I simply cease to exist, but I can't make my dumb brain do it.
No.295616
Sex < One solitary verbal compliment, for fanstuff of something you've been extremely into, for the first time in years ;_;…
No.295648
I haven't really used youtube seriously in so long. I'll watch a video that is linked here or on other sites, sometimes. But I don't follow any uploaders or even have an account anymore.
I recently made the bad choice of checking out the accounts of uploaders I used to enjoy.
I can't believe some of the "lets plays" I used to watch are over a decade old.
I can't believe these few accounts that are still active just have multihour-long videos that are just unedited streams.
(I suppose they are active streamers, I have just never enjoyed watching livestreams, because the chat-interaction becomes part of the content, and I am only interested in the subject and/or the commentator's opinions on the subject).
I actually found one uploader whom I enjoyed watching 10 years ago who still does regularly upload the same kind of "LP" videos I used to enjoy… he mostly streams, apparently, and most of his viewers only view the streams apparently, as his "non-live" videos only get a few dozen viewes each… and he, like me, is older now, and a lot of his commentary seems to have taken a turn toward health issues and financial issues, a lot of "I sure wish I could enjoy this game like I used to".
This isn't me saying "all the new stuff is bad and only the old stuff is good". Nor me saying that the stuff the kids like these days is all shit. This is just me lamenting the passage of time, how I don't even understand the entertainment I used to enjoy anymore.
Lamenting how I continue indulging happy memories to soothe current day-to-day ails, inevitably and permanently poisoning them into reveries of regret.
No.295650
>>295648streamer let's plays are practically unwatchable. there's way too much random shit going on at the same time distracting you and the guy from the game. i have no idea how so many people can stand watching them.
No.295652
>>295650It feels even more insulting if, for some reason, I try to watch a reupload of a livestream. Most of the "content" is the streamer figuratively or literally dancing like a monkey for donations, people wanting their names and memes and stupid bullshit splattered on the screen or spoken… I can't stand the fact that the streamer will stop everything every few moments to say THANKS FOR SUCKING MY E-COCK xXxDARK_ANIME_NARUTO696969xXx, especially since it's completely irrelevant to me as a viewer who is NOT watching it live.
(but if I actually DO want to see the video, I can't just ignore the bullshit, because it has fused WITH the video, and I feel completely alienated as some forgotten "audience" who just wants the game with commentary)
No.295653
>>295567You are a human being, it's not your fault that you can't kill yourself, it's a biology issue. Not procreating is enough, from a moral standpoint.
No.295657
I am afraid of the fact that I am going to lose all my friends, I am in college right now so I have friends but soon enough I will be a lonely unmarried guy, who will just become a thorn in their side. When all of them will get married they wouldn't like to see my face.
Soon enough they will take 6 days to reply to my WhatsApp messages, later they will stop picking my calls, they would stop calling by themselves, eventually they will forget everything about me.
I will become that guy. What good even is friendship at this point then? Not only I will not get to experience true intimacy and have a family of my own, even if I could I would not be able to have sex as I can't get hard without constant physical simulation and if hard I can't finish.
I will also not get to experience friendship. Nobody really cares for me. My entire life has been nothing but suffering, there is truly no point in living for someone like me. I have desperately sought help from outside and from within myself, yet I receive no answers. I just want someone; anyone to care for me so that I have something to live forwards to.
I want to kill myself but I also don't want to kill myself I can't live, right now I am just existing, I can't live. I want to live before I die. I want to enjoy and be happy and be carefree for once, be excited for the next day, and then sleep without a care in the world and without any stress whatsoever.
All I do is suffer. It's all suffering. Somebody please help.
No.295658
>>295657your post is an insult to wizards who are already "that guy"
No.295661
>>295657i've had zero friends since i was 12. you'll be fine bucko, grow a backbone and stop being a lil bitch.
No.295666
>>295657You probably have no idea of what a friend is, like many normies only fear of solitude keeps cucked to your contacts, which is considered a dishonor here.
I am that guy. I couldn't feel insulted at all by some pathetic failed normie who mostly lives for others due to his mental instability.
Nobody ends up caring for you? Many times guys like you find the surprise too late: probably they never did, unless you were there in submission, as your FOMO gives you away right now.
March to the Void, to the shame, to the pressure and take it as a war. Your mere presence is a stain in this imageboard
No.295671
>>295657The pillar/pilaster-like vein on the left arm seems to be the cephalic vein. It runs between the deltoid and the pectoralis major muscles. While the vein which crosses the cubital fossa on the right arm is obviously the median cubital vein. My Brother Throws Rad Parties is a cool mnemonic for the contents of the fossa if you are interested.
No.295708
I just listened to Bowser's Peaches song (now that I finally saw the movie) and my silly Goombella ai song (
https://wizchan.org/music/src/1721346535176.mp3) back to back…
This has been quite the year.
No.295715
>>295711Dig deeper.
>Does anyone else here, have\is developing a "philosophical opposition" to life? Opposing life in an on itself- life is non-consensual because you never are asked whether you agree to HAVING-to-have life. First forced violation upon you is being born; on top of that you are 24\7\364 forced, coerced, blackmailed, extorted etc into HAVING life. No.295729
You know, I recently opened Reddit. I'm not from America, and English is not my native language. I was immediately given a bunch of information about how the middle class lives in the United States. Some foreign stories about the future and a lot of other things. And you know, I suddenly realized that I literally live in a godforsaken place among normies. But the thing is, when I come back, I should be interested in all this development of the world or the future. But I just don't care, it's like I live in another world, although that's how it is. I'm an outsider, I'm an outsider for everyone. I can't control myself in the closet or lock myself in a room from myself. My biggest fear in life was that I would become who I became, as if I had such moments as a child when I became a loser. I try not to think about it. I just understand why people drink themselves to death. Nobody needs us like this. Even though we are not people, people live and enjoy life and believe that cyberpunk or something else will come. And I’m afraid to live the next year of life understanding that I’m already literally in the grave.
No.295738
>>295729And all that you realized by… opening reddit? That is kind of funny you know. Didn't know reddit was as powerful. Reddit really must be something from which you draw your conclusions. Oh well. It just rarely crossed my mind. Or did it. I. Am. Not. Sure.
No.295770
I am so sad…
No.295776
Had a 1,5 hour walk in nature. Feels good. I need to remind myself to do this more often. But I was off work for a few days so that's why I was able to do it. When I have to work, I just can't bring up any energy to do positive actions.
No.295777
>>295773whats the vn? have you played chaos;head? the characters in it have the power of realising delusions
No.295779
>>295776Fuck, i'd go for a long ass walk right now. I love october. But I live in Ukraine and the fucking headhunt is going on strong, might not come back if I do. It's a fucking nightmare.
No.295782
I feel worthless
No.295784
>>295776walking is great. Try it with a backpack and long distance. All you need is a podcast
No.295786
Heh, there was a time when 63 was as powerful as 34…
Heh…
No.295787
>>295779wizard, and I'm from Russia. How are you? For example, our prices have increased very much.
No.295788
>>295787will you get draft and kill on the front?
No.295795
>>295777Weird i'm currently playing chaos;head. Who's eyes are those right? Wait are you my delusion, WTF stop it shogun!..also lea.lea..leave me alone demon gi gir succubus!
But playing schizo vns makes me feel like you can make your own life interesting by thinking crazy shit. I feel the tulpas. The youtube vid is Subarashiki Hibi, broke my heart that one. Higurashi my sanity because how long it was, i'm still there doing games in 1983.
No.295799
>>295798I tried fata morgana (have the game on my steam) but didn't finish it. It's hard for me to stay focus on a story 'game' with no gameplay. if you kbow a VN with a gameplay, tell me
No.295881
>>295795>But playing schizo vns makes me feel like you can make your own life interesting by thinking crazy shit. I feel the tulpas.i wish i had my own riruru-chan tulpa like takuji. she's even better in the tsui no sora remake because she also has supernatural powers.
No.295997
>>295292Vanity of vanities, alls vanity.
Those are the words of the man that had it all, he had a kingdom, riches, and 1000 wives.
No matter your lot in life, there is no purpose in it unless you labour for God.
No.295998
>>295711Sons of the last Adam will get tested on money/Mammon, but will ultimately be provided for. The righteous can laugh at times to come.
No.295999
>>295657I'm a level 31 Cleric, I stopped having friends around 2015 and was saved in 2019. I want to encourage you, but when I joined a church in 2020 I had no idea God intended to pull me out of it from the beginning.
Apprentices and Wizards desire something real, and that empty hole can only be filled by the only God there is. Most churches are demonic strongholds that need to be shutdown, so my 2-cents are to read the new testament and psalms+proverbs, believe them and you will have a transformed life.
No.296001
is it me or are imageboards kinda dying?
No.296003
>>296001All anonymous communication is coming to an end, even most posts you see are made by bots
No.296004
for some reason i got hypothermia. according to dr. google, it can be caused by drug abuse, not eating enough, infections, and a whole host of diseases - i probably have all of those. And apparently it damages brain and heart, great, i am dying already anyway. Well, not looking too good. My temperature is below 35 Celsius now despite dressing up like winter and the room being hot. Fucking piece of shit life.
No.296005
>>296004you only need one (1) blanket tho
No.296009
>>296007You survived 33 years without skills and money, I'm sure you can double that without a problem. What's there to cope about?
No.296010
I don't know if Im genuinely a bad person or getting enlightened too much, but I've been fantasizing about "unethical maxxing" \immorality maxxing ie; basing my life on deliberately committing systematic Evil for the sake of fulfilling (my other, non-intrinsic to the sadism of the job) egoistic, selfish desires.
My main mental rumination\fantasy is becoming a Medical debt collector, or, working for a Repossession agency targeting people in despair, so on
for example I read this article part
>https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cost_of_poverty. Such hazards can include landfills, power plants, chemical plants, oil wells, oil and chemical pipelines, industrial parks, sewage treatment plants, fracking sites, incinerators, quarries, prisons, adult entertainment clubs, railways, highways, airports, and seaports.
Courts can impose cash bail, requiring the accused, while presumed innocent, to make a refundable cash deposit in order to get out of jail before a trial, with the money not refunded if the accused is not on time for all of their court dates. Someone who is unable to pay the full bail amount may purchase a bail bond, under which the accused pays a non-refundable percentage of the bail amount and promises collateral
I see OPPORTUNITY. Note, tho: Im not a yuppie fornicator from a (((college))), I hate every human rich and poor. if the rich could be my Prey, I'd take delight in it.
Even if Im becoming pro-evil, I also say humans=bad, so Im an anti-s*ual anti-natalist and promortalist "pink" libertarian.
>pic related. also Dzogchen, Neville Goddard's deep dive, non-dual Shakti Vedanta and antinominist KRSNA currents No.296011
>>296010Thank God people like you go to hell.
No.296070
>>296010If you're going to fulfill the service-to-self path, at least be subtle and judicious about it.
>>296011I wish there was a Hell.
No.296079
>>296010you're not going to be able to extract shit from no one. the average humanigger is much more evil and slippery than you can imagine. the moment where you started to question morality you've already lost because it meant that you have decency enough to consider foregoing some of it. the average person doesn't even have that.
No.296099
everytime i try to do something like draw i remember that i'm too retarded to even beat most video games or to finish a book in a year and then i go back to bed
No.296100
>>296099I love you.
>>296070Many don't, but find out anyway.
No.296126
I think I'm finally doomed. I frequently find myself in a state of mind where I literally can't function cognitively anymore. I can't think, I can't write on the computer, I can't comprehend a text, I have trouble understanding and retaining new information. I can't work like this. When someone talks to me I'm completely on auto pilot, I can't even control what I say, I just find myself say something which I hope makes sense but I don't know which words will come out, I can't even mask and fake mimic and body language at all, all the while I feel awful and detached and in panic, dull and emotionless at the same time. I am dysfunctional, I am afraid of myself, thi5state seemingly comes out of nowhere, and the past weeks it happens more frequently and I live in anxiety of it that the next moment I literally can't function anymore.
No.296129
I have bipolar disorder (real, mental illness to the point of manic delusions) and I want to die.
Any other bipolar here?
No.296135
>>296129Are you obsessed with 70s rock music and have long hair/facial hair?
No.296138
I have really tried to be a normie, finally landed on a “dream” job that that is appropriate for my qcademic qualifications. Given a probation period with reduced pay (150 dollars a month, literally impossible for a living in the SEA city I’m living where the minimum wage is more than 3 times that), no benefits (lol lmao even) and a promise they will give me a full year contract at the end.
My job involved reviving the dead analysis division of my department (works in a pharma company, our department specialized in skin products and has apparently been heavily reduced in prior to my entry, relegating my job desk to another body that doen’t give a fuck about my current depatment needs).
So no one to really shows the rope, me being basically being my own supervisor, in a technically oriented field with lots of regulations. Not to mentioned my severely reduced access in the company’s bureaucracy, forcing me to depends on my (entirely, including my boss) succubi colleauges.
Granted I suffered from ADHD (self diagnosed) to deal with this unstructured mess. But hey, I’m finally getting the hang of things! My succubi colleauges even come to be quite friendly to me after continuing to smile against whatever bullshit I was given.
Well my boss informed me that she finds my performance lacking, and that the reduced pay probation will be extended for another 3 months.
You might be able to tell from the way ai write, tthat I am really close to becoming a normienigger; not only in life’s milestones, but in body and soul, giving myself to oblivion. Hell I’m even reconsidering my relationship with my parents, thinking that maybe my anger and resentment towards them for so thoroughly trampling on my le wiz doomer values I developed myself as a coping mechanism isn’t really justified. That mayb, I can live as a normienigger after all, albeit as a wiz LARP-er that apperciates doomerism as an aesthethic.
Yesterday I snapped back into reality. I actually thanked God for waking me up from the drunkenly sweet dream. But I’m even more at a loss now. I have a feeling that I will truly lost my soul if I carry on and be a good wagecuck. Bur I’ve no options to support myself either. I said before that this is coincidentally my dream job, but this is literally the only job offer I got in 1.5 years. If you call me a fail normie, I won’t hold it against you. I am neither hoping for advice nor comfort. I decided to march on. What else is there left to do?
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the living God, have mercy on me, and all the poor souls here, for we are just poor sinners.
No.296141
Have to kill myself in 2 weeks. Only available option in this city is train (or drowning, but I dont know how to tie myself with rocks). Works?
No.296142
>>296141is your high school dance in 2 weeks or something?
No.296168
Anyone else having a hard time finding an escape or even having a hard time going with your current one because even then it's too expensive or you see how much your escape has devolved since your childhood? Like you no longer enjoy it because of how it's had the soul sucked out of it by suits or shitty people? Like I used to enjoy the fuck out of gaming…now I don't even want to even touch a single game because the fun is gone.
No.296170
>>296168Yes. I enjoy nothing partially because of the depression, partially because i have simply worn out the novelty of consuming media like films and games, and partially because culture has devolved and nobody produces good content anymore that i can find
No.296171
>>296170>nobody produces good content anymore that I can find. Ain't that the truth? All I really "consume" is just background noise while I do other things because let's face it, do we really properly consume anything?
It's all just noise.
No.296181
>>296129Am I the only one?
No.296182
>>296181sorry I'm schizophrenic paranoid
No.296192
My wisdom tooth started coming out again and it made the left half of my face so swollen that I find it hard to chew or swallow properly. My teeth have always been fucked in general, my body seems defective to me with how it can't even grow them properly. I have to suffer for no reason other than the combination of genes that I have. Don't let yourself be convinced that anything bad that ever happens to you is your own fault. People just like to delude themselves that's the case to feel in control. If they blame themselves, that's the same as believing they could change or could have changed the outcome. Then they push that delusion onto others to reinforce it.
No.296195
>>296192>wisdom toothShit, I have the same issue. It is queit now but sometimes the sharp pain returns for a day or two, then disappears again on it's own. But usually I used cheap anti-inflammatory stuff, takes away the pain for me. But that kind of pain is a massive bitch to experience. Can't sleep, can't eat, can't even think…
Our own fucking bodies hates us.
No.296196
>>296195aren't you supposed to remove youre wisdom teeth?
No.296199
>>296196It would be nice but that costs money I don't have also not every dentist does it. Thank god it is doesn't hurt at the moment. Just gives a tight feeling on the right side of the lower jaw
No.296200
ive had a major family emergency in the last few days
anyone else feeling depressed cuz their immediate family sucks balls?