/dep/ - Depression

>>299120
it is impossible. i cant do anything. just google it if u want to know. i have 0 money nowhere to get money from i exhausted all my options.
in short i will have psychosis, worst anxiety in the world, constant grand mal seizures, heart attack symptoms, stomach dysregulation etc. and those are only the hardest symptoms, not counting endless others. Im so sick i can barely walk so i wont survive this anyway. So I will either end this myself within 200 hours or that is what awaits me.

>>299173
suppress the seizures with cheap vodka, they suppress seizures from alcohol withdrawal with benzos so you can do it the other way around too

>>299173
Can you get Kratom somehow? I've heard that it helps with mild to moderate withdrawal symptoms. For severe symptoms you'll have to go to a clinic as I understand it. But if you have no money that's a problem.

https://kratom.org/guides/benzo-withdrawal/

>>299173
Went through benzo and opiate withdrawals earlier this year, and I only took oxycodone and valium daily for a few weeks and it was pure hell. You're honestly right, death is probably better, usually they put you into a coma for that level of withdrawals.

Good luck.

These stomach issues have fucked me over. I had no youth. Now I have palpitations. Fuck this planet. Fuck

>>299189
I feel you, the worst part is never completely emptying the bowel. The shit is really sticky too, so it takes far too long to wipe, to the point where I'm scuffing blood, and my ass is still not clean. I try to only shit at home now, where I can wash my ass, and I take loperamide before leaving off to work.

Pinched my back and stomach nerves by drought. Not toothache like in previous years. Second time this year, way stronger, impossible to sit, stand, and lie. Third day, menthol cream and painkillers don't do shit. Barely got sleep today, at 9 am the power went off, so I went to sleep instead of watching TV. No reason why on the energy supplier site. Lying on the back is hard due to snoring waking me up plus normalfags would use it as ad hominem with their noise violence. (Even though they would sleep even when the drill is on). Temperature was 37.3 °C once.

My joints are making these awful crackling noises, i think i am dying

Inexplicably developed dysphagia and it has slowly gotten worse over a year. No insight or helpful medication despite all the tests, but there's still a couple more to do. Past couple weeks have been shit. I'm scared, and I get too stressed to get stuff done sometimes. Thankfully stuff like Huel exists, but I just want to have some pizza and beer again one day.

>>299398
I had this too and I couldn't eat anything solid for almost a year. I went to a doctor and I kept gagging when she put the instrument in and she acted so bitchy about it that I just gave up and didn't want to deal with any kind of uncomfortable invasive tests so I just ate slop for a year hoping it's cancer and that it fucking kills me. But eventually I just trained myself to eat normally, little by little, now I'm back to normal but I still sometimes catch myself mid swallow and spit it out. I don't know if it was purely psychosomatic or if it was some weird medical problem that went away on its own. It got me super depressed because food was one of my last copes and all I could eat was fucking yoghurts, soups, mashed potatoes, shakes, which got old pretty fast.

I found an injured mouse outside and I took it in, feeling sorry for it.

I fed it some food and checked over it for injuries. After I seen it was covered in fleas and I remembered how Plague was spread, I put it back outside.

It's been two days and I'm feeling pretty fucking sick ngl. Not like hospitalization tier, but like I have a mild flu.

I'm wondering how bad I've fucked myself up. I don't think I'll get plague or one of the horrific killing diseases. I'm not in that part of the world for that sort of shit. But I wouldn't be surprised if I get something that rolls me for like a month.

>>299418
I'm usually pretty sympathetic to various creatures but mice ain't one of them. I hate those little bastards sneaking into my house and carrying all sorts of nasty diseases. You should definitely check if there have been hantavirus cases in your state/area, that kills people even in the US.

>>299422
I'm not from burgerland and Hantavirus is unheard of here, there's literally never been a case. The Plague hasn't been recorded as really being in my country as far as I know either. If it was Bubonic I'd likely be hospitalized right now.

I likely have caught either Leptospirosis or Salmonella, or some other random bacterial infection. The most common ones seem to be in the range of "you're gonna feel fucked up for the next month".

I'm off to the doctor Monday to look into it.

>>299398
>>299402
both of you should look up 'thiamine deficiency', might be related to what youre experiencing. ive had minimal dysphagia moments (i cant swallow spit and takes me like 6 times trying to make it work), like i wouldnt even call it episodes or spells or frequent enough to bother with them, but frequent enough to notice and tell myself 'hey this has NEVER happened to you before…'

do either of you get dry mouth at times too?

>>298319
Being completely dependent upon your parents is a curse, I am still in college, and the norm here is that we're dependent upon parents till we get a job.

But something just came up, I had all the regular eye tests and did fine in them, although there was some problem with my cornea and doctor suggested that I get corneal mapping or something of the sorts to further see what's wrong.

The thing is I have had a bad experience getting braces in the past, and for that I had to get my 4 healthy tooth removed, the results weren't satisfactory, my teeth weakened, and now I have to wear retainers every night for my life so my parents think that I am dependent upon my retainers and they see it as a bad thing, and since I myself am unhappy with my treatment and my family opposed me getting braces they have had their gotcha moment and are like "we told you so"

but as I said now that I have problems with my eyes, my parents still think that I shouldn't go to a doctor, after talking to my doctor, researching on the internet, and using ChatGPT, all three of them pointed towards early keratoconus. And my parents are unwilling to help me, so I might have to steal money from them but I can't just go AWOL for a long time without my parents freaking out as I live with them, they will be wondering where I went, and there are no hospitals nearby that scan for corneal mapping. And of course I need money as well.

And I have exams coming up in 30 days, I have had problem reading white text on black background and experience ghosting, I see glare from headlights, and have astigmatism which is getting worsen over time, earlier I used to see only one streak of lights now I am seeing three, in just a span of one month. So it is worsening at a rapid pace.

All of this makes me feel suicidal, I am getting too overwhelmed with different problems in my life, I want someone to just give me and anaesthetic while I am sleeping and shoot me, I don't want to wake up another day.

It is EXTREMELY SCARY that you might lose your vision, life is already hard enough and I can't imagine what it would be like living if your eyes stop working, if you can't drive during the night, can't judge distances while driving during the day. Can't read properly. I am deeply mortified if I am being honest. Why did the universe had to bestow upon me such a rare disease?

Nah, pathogens kept us healthy as an ethnic group

>>298579
I got that neck+back hernia with the appropriate levels of nerve pain radiating to limbs, hemorrhoids and tooth ache trifecta as well.
I miss being young.
I should have known better.
Funnily enough despite the pain I'm still not inclined to improve my lot at all. Taking action is still beyond me so it slowly gets worse.
The jester image is quite appropriate.

Got a very vivid memory of getting lectured by a highschool gym teacher 13-14 years ago about how this was going to happen.
It was a early morning (6:30AM) "therapy" gym class for people who already had some problems.
Sometimes my mind replays it just to torment me, letting me know it's on me.

>>299748
I think I would rope if I lost my sight tbh. It's just too debilitating.

>>299904
I have herniations in the back and neck too. I had a surgery but it will never get back to 100% normal. I'll never be pain free again.
What's worse, I developed venous insufficiency, along with high blood pressure and rapid heartbeat (it easily goes up to 100 at rest). I blame it all on my job. I wanted to quit but my mother screams at me all the time when I suggest changing my job to something less stressful.
I don't even want to get better at this point. I will never be my old self, as I was two years ago before starting this job. I feel broken physically and mentally, like something essential was riped out of me. I just want to die sooner, if it means fucking up my heart more and more, I'll do it. This stress is too much for me, it seems.

>>299907
Man I'm sorry to hear that… I can relate a lot.
I had a blood pressure crisis moment where I ended up in the ER with 195/hundredsomething in December. It was right after a work shift as well.
I'm terrified of dying, but even then it seems I'm unable to change.
>I will never be my old self
This is probably a huge part of it. All that work it would take only to mitigate further damage and improve slightly, never ending…

I'm not a complete idiot. I'm capable enough to envision my future even if I put in all the effort and the juice just doesn't seem to be worth squeezing anymore in my case.

You know, at some point I was told suffering is relative and it stuck with me since.
I'm also not made for this life. By all metrics I have a chill job, little responsibilities, but somehow even that is too much for me.

Do you think you would be more motivated if going back to being a NEET was an option in your future? I think I might be.
I yearn for that level of freedom more than anything, but it feels unattainable.

>>299909
>This is probably a huge part of it. All that work it would take only to mitigate further damage and improve slightly, never ending…
Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. Most chronic diseases are irreversible. There is also this eixstensionalism. Why me? WTF did I do to deserve it? I'm no wheelchair-bound quadrileptic, but still. I'm pretty young, and people around me are mostly healthy. And of all those young people, why me? It feels lile some cosmic bullshit, like the universe decided to screw with me.
>Do you think you would be more motivated if going back to being a NEET was an option in your future? I think I might be.
TBH, I don't want NEETdom as much as having some time to get myself together. I have some savings and I want to take a break to get my health in check. But it's not possible in the current economy, and not so much in my line of work. If I take a break, I might never got back. I kinda want to work, I just want to see something beside this work. I get back, and I feel too tired and in pain to do anything at all. Then, after sleep, it's back to work again. I don't sure I want that to continue.

>>299937
Unfortunately I can't give you a solution.
Though I'd think twice before quitting your job. I'm quite worried what would happen if I lost mine.
Only got one through sheer luck. Can't imagine going through the interviewing processes again and the economy is looking bleak on so many fronts.
"Some time for myself" can also turn into a wasted year and used up savings. Just make sure you trust yourself with that decision is all I'm saying.

As for the "why me?" questions… I'm not sure. Many people lived worse lives with less health issues as a result, but many had it worse as well.
I do believe I deserved it, but I don't feel like I had as much agency over it as most normies would claim.

Life feels very deterministic.
Look at your current situation for example, as you say sleep-work-too tired-sleep … Kinda hard to bootstrap at that point.
Life has a sort of momentum for most people, genetics and environment sets the trajectory of your life. Most people got where they are due to inertia.

I wish you the best, whatever you might decide.

>>298991
Same thing, supposedly had meds for it but they stopped working so I'm relying on opioids again.
I wish I wasn't completely useless without drugs.

I have been biking and jogging for more than a year and now I got prostatitis. Despite having tried to strength train throughout my life, my body consistently stayed frail and wiry, but I seemed to excel in endurance sports. Got very flexible, could climb 10 flights of stairs without gasping for air. Well, until I got prostatitis so peeing hurts unless I drink so much water that I nearly burst. I can't go out without dehydrating myself on purpose because I get bladdered and can't piss anywhere not silent enough to wind down. I also leak semen if I strain to poop, and that I always do, because I've been constipated all my life. Colon got even more painful, weight gain seems impossible now.

Don't get /fit/ if you don't want to get succubi (which I suppose you don't) and you have poor health to begin with. It won't improve. It's not even comfy to lie down anymore. My legs go numb, my hands swell from resting my head on my arms due to low body fat. Thermoregulation is all over the place. I need 23 degrees to sleep, previously needed 18-19, or my fingers and toes will go numb from the cold.

I'm starting to feel that the cardio high has its downsides science doesn't want you to know.

>>298319
I have cholinergic urticaria. I'm literally allergic to heat. I break out in hives whenever I'm about to start sweating.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cholinergic_urticaria

>>300019
That sounds awful. Does it only apply to sweating from heat or also from exertion? I'd kill myself if my body didn't allow me to walk fast. Walking is one of the last things I still enjoy.

>>299937
>Most chronic diseases are irreversible.
A few years ago I'd have vehemently disagreed with this but today, after having experienced it myself I am starting to think the sad truth is indeed, chronic disease is for life.

It's just grim when you think about it, one bad step and boom, you're incapacitated forever. I've come to learn that the two, well, three things that a human cannot afford to damage are
>nerveous system
>gut
>heart
Yet, one of the most popular, perhaps even underdiagnosed chronic diseases, Multiple Scleroris, is exactly about progressive and almost always irreversible nerve damage (demyelination).

The gut, well the thing is that most science now agrees that your gut microbiota is relatively stable through life, if it changes it's often for the worse and that is something that comes with basically any and all chronic diseases. The key point in all of this is that bacteria become resistant to, well, treatment and competing "good" bacteria. This thing called "biofilm" makes them privileged hosts that suck the good nutrients and dump all kind of literal toxic waste in your own body, forever. It's not even mutations they develop, but gene expression, so you are very fucked.

The heart doesn't need explanation does it?

Once a person has sustained enough damage in any of these systems/organs it's over. Everything else you can kind of afford to injury, and you will recover in time, hence why you sometimes see paradoxical cases like centenarians who drink and smoke like it's nothing.

>>300014
>I'm starting to feel that the cardio high has its downsides science doesn't want you to know.
The only proven life-extending intervention is caloric-restriction. Ask yourself why. The more I learn the more I believe some people, specially dysgenic freaks like ourselves, simply cannot go over certain activity limit. Which caps our capacity to get ahead in life. Nothing we can do about it.

>>300039
>simply cannot go over certain activity limit

It's not like normalfags are demigods because they learnt to mask from a young age until they stopped taking off the mask, or were shaped by society to begin with, no individual quirks.

If you're a coward like me it's impossible to build muscle well because of how tied body and mind are. That's why I had insane gains in cardio but couldn't build muscle. My mind wanted to prime me for escaping and that's why the jogging or biking high is so exciting. I've been mentally escaping all my life, always retiring.

>The only proven life-extending intervention is caloric-restriction

I don't want to get to 80, it will be soul crushingly lonely. It's highly likely though, because despite chronic ailments, I run cold, eat little, never spend much energy, walk a lot. If smoking won't get to me then nothing will, and I will be surrounded by grannies my age that excluded me when we were young, considering 3/4 people over 75 are succubi in my country. Grim.

I am so miserable. Nothing is right. Disease took everything from me. I cannot accept this. I want revenge. I want to stuff it in the mouths of those who harmed me. It's not fair. I want revenge.

>>301131
Who harmed you?

>>301133
I won't go into details but I'm just an easy target for every asshole. I have so much resentment for my bullies and people in general.

Man it's unbreathable. I have so much anger inside me. They have ruined my life. Fucking scum. And now disease is raping me. It's not fair!

I cannot take healthy people seriously. Whatever they say is bullshit. A sick normalfaggot is closer to truth than a 50 years old healthy wizard.

>>301145
I am taking about diseases out of your control.

Covid vaccine gave me autoimmunity, its amazing some retards are still in denial over how harmful this was.

I'm devastated by illnesses both physically and mentally, I would gladly be put to death if it was possible

>>300034
Both. But it's not as bad as it used to be. I still feel stinging sensations whenever I sweat, but they don't last as long as they used to I no longer seem to get visible hives.

I have chronic sinusitis, seborrheic dermatitis and rosacea. I'm not joking when I say all this shit combined ruined my life.

I just got stomach ulcers. I was pretty close to death with all the blood I lost.
On quadruple therapy and I hate my life even more now. Fucking hospital fees gonna rape me as well..

I was scrolling through advice on how to cope with being ugly, and the most common advice I see is hitting the gym and trying to have at least a nice body. I got so sad that I almost wanted to cry. I'm disabled and have spinal issues and even walking is hard for me. People really don't get how lucky they are that they can lift weights or run. I used to run. I was a good runner. Now, everything is impossible.
I feel like able bodied people silently tell me that if you are disbaled, you are ugly, period. Oh, you can lift weights? Better luck in the next reincarnation, subhuman.
Like, I exercise to the best of my abilities, and I do it daily, but what I do wouldn't give me a fit body.

The cataract in my right eye is getting worse and now I'm pretty much blind on my right side. Don't have the 5k to pay for the surgery, and I feel like some weird shit is happening to my left eye now too. Goddamn it I'm too young to be going fucking blind

>>298322
How the fuck do I fix this.

>>301699
I actually had jaw surgery a few weeks ago for it & I feel a bit better now but I think its not entirely fixed. The waiting list for me to get it tested again is months

hearing voices, nightmares, spontaneous laughter, paranoia, need large amounts of nicotine and cafeine to get through the day. This constant sense of doom and convinced that i soon will die. neurological disease? i dont believe in psychiatry

I have a plan

>>301707
You always have a plan dutch, I mean anon.

>>298379
It would be amazing if you COULD judge spaces towards the rear just from the mirrors alone. You turn your head and look through the rear window to do that. Side mirrors are more for judging the spaces to the sides in the context of parking. Most people don't parallel park perfectly either. Instead of using a gimmick three move method, they just sort of adjust and correct as they go. It's okay to make multiple attempts at parallel parking. If people honk at you, it's not because you're bad at parking, but because you picked a tight spot in a high traffic area. Such spots naturally take longer to park in, only try them if the traffic is slow enough to allow it. Sometimes you might have to accept parking a bit away and walking the extra distance. Usually a mistake is done long before you suffer the consequences, so preparation is key. Leave earlier and give yourself the time to find a suitable parking spot and walk if necessary.

>>298379
I can't drive at all and yes It imprisons you in your home. No one gets my disability so no one cares. Just do it bro. That's what I've been told my entire life. Just doooo ittt it's so easy why isn't everything as easy to you as it is to me???

>>301734
I cant drive too probably a good thing i would probably cause accidents with how clumsy i am. Normies dont really care about the disabled they have this weird system where they dont care and simultanously want you to believe they do care. Like schrodingers cat from quantum mechanics

[8:45 PM]
Thought craving opiates would eventually go away, never fucking does.
[8:46 PM]
Reality is gay, just wanna nod off.