/dep/ - Depression

>>299904
I have herniations in the back and neck too. I had a surgery but it will never get back to 100% normal. I'll never be pain free again.
What's worse, I developed venous insufficiency, along with high blood pressure and rapid heartbeat (it easily goes up to 100 at rest). I blame it all on my job. I wanted to quit but my mother screams at me all the time when I suggest changing my job to something less stressful.
I don't even want to get better at this point. I will never be my old self, as I was two years ago before starting this job. I feel broken physically and mentally, like something essential was riped out of me. I just want to die sooner, if it means fucking up my heart more and more, I'll do it. This stress is too much for me, it seems.

>>299907
Man I'm sorry to hear that… I can relate a lot.
I had a blood pressure crisis moment where I ended up in the ER with 195/hundredsomething in December. It was right after a work shift as well.
I'm terrified of dying, but even then it seems I'm unable to change.
>I will never be my old self
This is probably a huge part of it. All that work it would take only to mitigate further damage and improve slightly, never ending…

I'm not a complete idiot. I'm capable enough to envision my future even if I put in all the effort and the juice just doesn't seem to be worth squeezing anymore in my case.

You know, at some point I was told suffering is relative and it stuck with me since.
I'm also not made for this life. By all metrics I have a chill job, little responsibilities, but somehow even that is too much for me.

Do you think you would be more motivated if going back to being a NEET was an option in your future? I think I might be.
I yearn for that level of freedom more than anything, but it feels unattainable.

>>299909
>This is probably a huge part of it. All that work it would take only to mitigate further damage and improve slightly, never ending…
Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. Most chronic diseases are irreversible. There is also this eixstensionalism. Why me? WTF did I do to deserve it? I'm no wheelchair-bound quadrileptic, but still. I'm pretty young, and people around me are mostly healthy. And of all those young people, why me? It feels lile some cosmic bullshit, like the universe decided to screw with me.
>Do you think you would be more motivated if going back to being a NEET was an option in your future? I think I might be.
TBH, I don't want NEETdom as much as having some time to get myself together. I have some savings and I want to take a break to get my health in check. But it's not possible in the current economy, and not so much in my line of work. If I take a break, I might never got back. I kinda want to work, I just want to see something beside this work. I get back, and I feel too tired and in pain to do anything at all. Then, after sleep, it's back to work again. I don't sure I want that to continue.

>>299937
Unfortunately I can't give you a solution.
Though I'd think twice before quitting your job. I'm quite worried what would happen if I lost mine.
Only got one through sheer luck. Can't imagine going through the interviewing processes again and the economy is looking bleak on so many fronts.
"Some time for myself" can also turn into a wasted year and used up savings. Just make sure you trust yourself with that decision is all I'm saying.

As for the "why me?" questions… I'm not sure. Many people lived worse lives with less health issues as a result, but many had it worse as well.
I do believe I deserved it, but I don't feel like I had as much agency over it as most normies would claim.

Life feels very deterministic.
Look at your current situation for example, as you say sleep-work-too tired-sleep … Kinda hard to bootstrap at that point.
Life has a sort of momentum for most people, genetics and environment sets the trajectory of your life. Most people got where they are due to inertia.

I wish you the best, whatever you might decide.

>>298991
Same thing, supposedly had meds for it but they stopped working so I'm relying on opioids again.
I wish I wasn't completely useless without drugs.

I have been biking and jogging for more than a year and now I got prostatitis. Despite having tried to strength train throughout my life, my body consistently stayed frail and wiry, but I seemed to excel in endurance sports. Got very flexible, could climb 10 flights of stairs without gasping for air. Well, until I got prostatitis so peeing hurts unless I drink so much water that I nearly burst. I can't go out without dehydrating myself on purpose because I get bladdered and can't piss anywhere not silent enough to wind down. I also leak semen if I strain to poop, and that I always do, because I've been constipated all my life. Colon got even more painful, weight gain seems impossible now.

Don't get /fit/ if you don't want to get succubi (which I suppose you don't) and you have poor health to begin with. It won't improve. It's not even comfy to lie down anymore. My legs go numb, my hands swell from resting my head on my arms due to low body fat. Thermoregulation is all over the place. I need 23 degrees to sleep, previously needed 18-19, or my fingers and toes will go numb from the cold.

I'm starting to feel that the cardio high has its downsides science doesn't want you to know.

>>298319
I have cholinergic urticaria. I'm literally allergic to heat. I break out in hives whenever I'm about to start sweating.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cholinergic_urticaria

>>300019
That sounds awful. Does it only apply to sweating from heat or also from exertion? I'd kill myself if my body didn't allow me to walk fast. Walking is one of the last things I still enjoy.

>>299937
>Most chronic diseases are irreversible.
A few years ago I'd have vehemently disagreed with this but today, after having experienced it myself I am starting to think the sad truth is indeed, chronic disease is for life.

It's just grim when you think about it, one bad step and boom, you're incapacitated forever. I've come to learn that the two, well, three things that a human cannot afford to damage are
>nerveous system
>gut
>heart
Yet, one of the most popular, perhaps even underdiagnosed chronic diseases, Multiple Scleroris, is exactly about progressive and almost always irreversible nerve damage (demyelination).

The gut, well the thing is that most science now agrees that your gut microbiota is relatively stable through life, if it changes it's often for the worse and that is something that comes with basically any and all chronic diseases. The key point in all of this is that bacteria become resistant to, well, treatment and competing "good" bacteria. This thing called "biofilm" makes them privileged hosts that suck the good nutrients and dump all kind of literal toxic waste in your own body, forever. It's not even mutations they develop, but gene expression, so you are very fucked.

The heart doesn't need explanation does it?

Once a person has sustained enough damage in any of these systems/organs it's over. Everything else you can kind of afford to injury, and you will recover in time, hence why you sometimes see paradoxical cases like centenarians who drink and smoke like it's nothing.

>>300014
>I'm starting to feel that the cardio high has its downsides science doesn't want you to know.
The only proven life-extending intervention is caloric-restriction. Ask yourself why. The more I learn the more I believe some people, specially dysgenic freaks like ourselves, simply cannot go over certain activity limit. Which caps our capacity to get ahead in life. Nothing we can do about it.

>>300039
>simply cannot go over certain activity limit

It's not like normalfags are demigods because they learnt to mask from a young age until they stopped taking off the mask, or were shaped by society to begin with, no individual quirks.

If you're a coward like me it's impossible to build muscle well because of how tied body and mind are. That's why I had insane gains in cardio but couldn't build muscle. My mind wanted to prime me for escaping and that's why the jogging or biking high is so exciting. I've been mentally escaping all my life, always retiring.

>The only proven life-extending intervention is caloric-restriction

I don't want to get to 80, it will be soul crushingly lonely. It's highly likely though, because despite chronic ailments, I run cold, eat little, never spend much energy, walk a lot. If smoking won't get to me then nothing will, and I will be surrounded by grannies my age that excluded me when we were young, considering 3/4 people over 75 are succubi in my country. Grim.

I am so miserable. Nothing is right. Disease took everything from me. I cannot accept this. I want revenge. I want to stuff it in the mouths of those who harmed me. It's not fair. I want revenge.

>>301131
Who harmed you?

>>301133
I won't go into details but I'm just an easy target for every asshole. I have so much resentment for my bullies and people in general.

Man it's unbreathable. I have so much anger inside me. They have ruined my life. Fucking scum. And now disease is raping me. It's not fair!

I cannot take healthy people seriously. Whatever they say is bullshit. A sick normalfaggot is closer to truth than a 50 years old healthy wizard.

>>301145
I am taking about diseases out of your control.

Covid vaccine gave me autoimmunity, its amazing some retards are still in denial over how harmful this was.

I'm devastated by illnesses both physically and mentally, I would gladly be put to death if it was possible

>>300034
Both. But it's not as bad as it used to be. I still feel stinging sensations whenever I sweat, but they don't last as long as they used to I no longer seem to get visible hives.

I have chronic sinusitis, seborrheic dermatitis and rosacea. I'm not joking when I say all this shit combined ruined my life.

I just got stomach ulcers. I was pretty close to death with all the blood I lost.
On quadruple therapy and I hate my life even more now. Fucking hospital fees gonna rape me as well..

I was scrolling through advice on how to cope with being ugly, and the most common advice I see is hitting the gym and trying to have at least a nice body. I got so sad that I almost wanted to cry. I'm disabled and have spinal issues and even walking is hard for me. People really don't get how lucky they are that they can lift weights or run. I used to run. I was a good runner. Now, everything is impossible.
I feel like able bodied people silently tell me that if you are disbaled, you are ugly, period. Oh, you can lift weights? Better luck in the next reincarnation, subhuman.
Like, I exercise to the best of my abilities, and I do it daily, but what I do wouldn't give me a fit body.

The cataract in my right eye is getting worse and now I'm pretty much blind on my right side. Don't have the 5k to pay for the surgery, and I feel like some weird shit is happening to my left eye now too. Goddamn it I'm too young to be going fucking blind

>>298322
How the fuck do I fix this.

>>301699
I actually had jaw surgery a few weeks ago for it & I feel a bit better now but I think its not entirely fixed. The waiting list for me to get it tested again is months

hearing voices, nightmares, spontaneous laughter, paranoia, need large amounts of nicotine and cafeine to get through the day. This constant sense of doom and convinced that i soon will die. neurological disease? i dont believe in psychiatry

I have a plan

>>301707
You always have a plan dutch, I mean anon.

>>298379
I can't drive at all and yes It imprisons you in your home. No one gets my disability so no one cares. Just do it bro. That's what I've been told my entire life. Just doooo ittt it's so easy why isn't everything as easy to you as it is to me???

>>301734
I cant drive too probably a good thing i would probably cause accidents with how clumsy i am. Normies dont really care about the disabled they have this weird system where they dont care and simultanously want you to believe they do care. Like schrodingers cat from quantum mechanics

[8:45 PM]
Thought craving opiates would eventually go away, never fucking does.
[8:46 PM]
Reality is gay, just wanna nod off.

I have chronic lowback pain for sitting 12-16 hours a day, It's not for having a job that requires me to stay sit but for playing fucking videogames all day every moment I try to some exercise I just quit, I don't think I will survive past my 20s years if I still live that way

Dug out an ingrown toenail a few weeks ago that looked pretty bad and I think I have an infection on my toe, I've been showering and washing it daily and dousing it in antiseptic and wearing socks but I'm worried that I'll have to go to the doctor, which I haven't been to in a long time.

Everyday I am reminded of how fucked my health is. Existence is a humiliation. Don't have it in me to end it.

Ejaculatory Anhedonia/no libido, OCD and regular anhedonia. It probably doesn't seem very serious compared to some of the illnesses mentioned earlier in this thread but having a dick that doesn't work anymore is also hell on earth. I can't even enjoy a good fap and forget my worries for a bit, I'm not even allowed that little pleasure. Fuck this gay earth. OCD has also raped my pure conscience, and I can no longer enjoy things simply. it's a curse impossible to overcome, OCD anons will know the feel. I remember when it started for me, and my life has never been the same since. The problems come in waves, one day I think everything is fine and I feel alright, and the next day the nightmare starts again.

Sleep demons are back

>>302697
yeah ocd sucks

>>302878
what do you mean? nightmares, voices, something else?

>>302697
>Ejaculatory Anhedonia/no libido, OCD and regular anhedonia. It probably doesn't seem very serious compared to some of the illnesses mentioned earlier in this thread but having a dick that doesn't work anymore is also hell on earth. I can't even enjoy a good fap and forget my worries for a bit, I'm not even allowed that little pleasure. Fuck this gay earth.


dude.


try blasting "muzak" or some other "luxurious 1960s music" in your headphones.

>>300019
ouch

…

wear 100% cotton, and carry a portable neck fan.

also, a thermo bag full of servings of shaved ice wont hurt you

>>302887
the fuck is this supposed to do?

>>302900
there's a mentally ill kid going around the site

making nonsensical replies to posts

filled with weird invented words and phrases that don't make sense to anyone besides him, and appear to require some sort of context that can't be found anywhere in the previous posts

…

and he redditspaces it all

>>302697
>Ejaculatory Anhedonia/no libido, OCD and regular anhedonia. It probably doesn't seem very serious compared to some of the illnesses mentioned earlier in this thread but having a dick that doesn't work anymore is also hell on earth. I can't even enjoy a good fap and forget my worries for a bit, I'm not even allowed that little pleasure. Fuck this gay earth. OCD has also raped my pure conscience, and I can no longer enjoy things simply. it's a curse impossible to overcome, OCD anons will know the feel. I remember when it started for me
>I remember when it started for me

OK. When did it start? Also, what is your diet?

>>302900
1. try Muzak Orchestra works as your background music

2. try typing "luxurious 1960s music" on YouTube and then, get your headphones to enjoy the vibes.

3. It worked for me. A little. But that was a nice start. I bought a fancy 30pts set of multivitamin tabs later, which also seems to help a little. Step… by… step…

>>302901
You know, im not gonna fight that "mentally ill kid" moniker - I drink several cups of coffee daily, after all.

>>302900
Started a thread in /music/

>>302910
The most average diet in the world, I don't eat a lot of junk food and generally eat healthy. I just don't go outside a lot but I've been outside more the past few months earlier this year and I can safely say it didn't do shit. Dick problems started at the start of the year. OCD/anhedonia started two years ago. I have been fapping regularly since I was young so I guess that explains the dick problems.
>>302921
Muzak autism asides, I've tried the vitamin thing too, for a month. But it didn't do shit.

>>302955
>Muzak autism asides, I've tried the vitamin thing too, for a month. But it didn't do shit

Sad! I can't really suggest much at this point.

>>302956
Don't worry wiz. Appreciate your thread on /music/

>>302960
Thanks!

>>302955
>Muzak autism asides

Oh! I have a double meaning pun!

Layer 1: OTISm :)

(Otis is the surname of the guy who invented safe elevators by attaching a big sheet of metal between elevator's cabin and elevator's cable)
Modern architecture, full of elevators and tower blocks, is very OTIStic XD

Layer 2. Muzak is linked to OTISm XD
("Muzak" is synonymous with "elevator music" hence the extra layer of the pun)