/dep/ - Depression

My doctor decided to have me quit nebivolol a beta blocker cold turkey because my pulse was low making me almost faint. (Lost a bit of weight, guess meds were too much now.)
Still took half today, but hell my pulse has been in the 90s and my head feels like it's going to explode.
Worst part I'm starting my nightshift in another 2 hours.
Fucking hate it. Praying nothing happens. So sick of health issues and doctors that just don't give a shit.

I really don't want to die despite all the things in the past. I've been working to better my situation and even find some joy in the life and now I'm falling apart.
Talk of death and even trying to end it when I was much younger was so much easier at rock bottom.
I hate that all I did might end up in vain.
I just want to have more fun with stuff… I'm finally looking forward to better things… Fuck this.

>>303066
>I really don't want to die despite all the things in the past
Death is bliss, life is a curse, don't fear the reaper be scared of reincarnation

>>303073
Then kill yourself

>>303074
If life did not make it extremely painful I would, erasing my consciousness is hard without proper medications which are currently prohibited

>>303075
Classic.

>>303073
I'm terrified of what comes after death.

>>303077
Is there something worse than life that you fear? Like being tormented in hell? We already live a hellish reality.

you will see, you dont want to kys rn because there is still a tiny slit of hope and pleasure in your life, it will go away and you will think about death 24 hours a day

>>303078
It'd just be our luck for whatever comes after to be a lot worse.

I just want darkness forever, I'm tired. I really don't want there to be an afterlife.

>>303073
I fear it a lot anon… especially the uncertainty of it.
You mention reincarnation which could be a blessing or a curse, but based on current experience I'd say even if it's a thing it likely isn't a good thing.
As I said in my last post, the thought of death was more comforting when I had nothing to look forward to in my youth.
Now while still miserable overall, I do have things I want to see, experience and build.
I really want a small house in a village with my own rose garden for example.
If I work for another 2-3 years while living at mom and nothing major happens on the global stage I might just achieve it. I'm also enjoying going out to play card games with randoms every other week.
Feels like I'm reclaiming a part of my childhood at least.
Oblivion doesn't sound enticing to me either.

Had anxiety all day while waiting to write some arguments to Wikipedia discussion. Someone pinged me with support against the mob, it usually goes to one's email. Usual behavior: diminishing the issue, accusations of bias, ignoring the arguments, pretending not to read, some totally retarded incompetent users, users who can't even read and understand, formalism, fear of slippery slope, ad hominem, whataboutism, debunked arguments with no reply, etc.). All to serve their own bias or at least it looks that way. Ended up with vomit feeling, blood pressure was 185/126/127. After some medicine that I licked from my fist, it went down to 152/115/96 in 20 minutes if I remember correctly.

>>303110
I think it's my new record. Hopefully, my eye sight didn't worsen, no double sight or anything.

>>303110
Why care so much? What do you gain from all of this?
Aside from edging death it seems…

>>303110
>185/126/127
Also this is fucking insane. Makes me feel better about my health situation at least.
I recall I had 192/120 when I was at the ER last December and you just casually tanked it.

>>303112
Discussion: to improve the articles. It went just as I predicted, I have read past discussions on similar topic in the past and was looking for the same sources, arguments, etc. Only forgot about doing it already. Caring is uncontrollable, pain from public mistakes is unavoidable, wish I knew better the degree.

I disappeared for a few days, thought someone would pick holes, but one was predictable and I countered it, the other one is BS. Overall, it turned out worse than I thought but in the same direction.

Previously I had anxiety when one public person was bullied mostly unjustly. I added neutral info to Wikipedia. Despite anxiety, there was no such medical situation. It went higher once I relaxed and stopped reading some replies, including one in support. Previous participation in non-article space wasn't as bad either, mild-medium anxiety, not for a week with some breaks. Now I'll put screenshots with stuff that I planned to edit to one folder, won't create new articles for the time being, try to ignore future pings. After all, there's nothing left to say. Break time was used to search for some sources.

>>303114
Faustian. Is it worth it though? I don't think it's as uncontrollable as you think it is. I mean just walk away from the screen lol. Just close the tab.

>>303115
That anon sounds compelled to do this.
Nobody sane just goes around editing wikipedia articles and having debates about it with strangers.
Don't mean to sound like I'm belittling him or saying this in a derogatory way.
Should find a better obsession though. May I recommend card games?
I've interacted with quite a few autists that obsessed about things to their detriment and I'm not sure they could help it.
So let's just pray our wiki wizards heart stays healthy.

I am suddenly terrified of power outlets, chargers, electrical wires and charging adapters. My lack of knowledge and exhaustion prevents me from understanding them fully, and I cannot trust anything ChatGPT tells me. I'm terrified, I'm losing sleep, and it's making my life worse. I live alone, so if anything bad happens, I am completely stranded.

But you know, it's nothing new. I just hope that it goes away soon…

>>303115
Mental stuff is uncontrollable when it happens, leaving Wikipedia is controllable. Been away for 5 years retired without any problems. Article creation and minor additions don't cause anxiety to me. It's like when someone is a retired criminal who comes from retirement despite hating his job.

I rewrote one article about a book which had copyvio and added info about a cat photo inside. One anonym without reliable sources just recently has added a name of another cat. Duck test says it's probably true, Google showed his rare name and relation to the author is true. Just some tidbits.

>>303119
Lol, Youtube and Facebook have been recommending me electrical-stations and what I assume is ultra high voltage installations security procedures videos. Simple things like closing a circuit…. with hundreds of thousands of volts running through it. The guy is all covered in like 40kg of (dielectric I guess) hazmat and glove gear, standing on a special mat, with a guy holding him from a distance with a pole that I assume is insulated too.

It's scary, like the sound it makes as the contacts get close and the air becomes ionized. Electricity is terrifying because brainlets like me cannot hope to understand every possible factor that could go wrong, and unlike a car crash, means actual instant death. I read on a newspaper the other day that apparently, you shouldnt shower during a electrical storm??? Because your body can become part of the strike electrical path. I found it weird like, if there are metal plumbing pipes on top of my home, those same pipes must somehow be connected to some other water in/outflow, why would my body form part of that circuit? I know mixing pvc and metal pipes is not uncommon, but apart from that a homes own electrical instalation is physically grounded, I cannot be more grounded than ground itself, no? Anyway, scary stuff

>>303119
>>303125
This is why I like to imagine my networking stuff as if it were plumbing.
If I just imagine water flowing through pipes all of a sudden it's much more reasonable and understandable.

I too feel retarded when it comes to electric stuff and gas too.
I'm worried even installing a light-bulb let alone the entire lamp/chandelier.

My father is an electrician, but never taught me anything. I did see him almost fry himself twice, but managed to let go.
Perhaps I inherited the the stupid from somewhere…

>>303125
>>303126
You know the worst part is that even a qualified electrician isn't immune. He makes 1 small mistake, no matter how minor, and he'll either die or become disabled for life. Electricity is truly fucking dangerous. I remembered getting electrocuted as a toddler and I am flabbergated at how I'm still alive. One wrong adapter, one small finger, a tiny water droplet near an outlet, and you're fucked.

>>303132
Just turn off the power before working

>>303132
This is patently false. Where I live mains is 240V RMS. When I was young I used to fuck around with mains a lot because I was into power electronics. I have touched live wires several times. It definitely hurts but has caused no damage that I know of. I got lucky that in all instances my hand brushed against the wire rather than grabbing it so I was able to move my hand away. I have also been shocked by around 500V DC from a power supply I built (unisolated from mains, I had no conception of electrical safety when I was younger) before and again my hand just brushed against one of the supply's poles so I was able to remove my hand. In my experience unless you grab a live mains wire and are unable to let go, you are more likely to sustain a physical injury when you jerk your hand away and bump into something than from the actual electricity. This is especially true for 120V mains in the US.

Only really high voltage (thousands of volts) can actually kill you instantly. I am currently looking into what output voltage and current capability I would need from a supply to guarantee instant death as it is an attractive suicide method because (for me) it would almost surely be assumed to be accidental. I've read accounts of people who've survived getting shocked by high voltage equipment and they usually say they didn't even realise what happened until they were told when they woke up in the hospital.

>>303119
The DC output from phone chargers, laptop chargers and PC power supplies cannot possibly kill you even if the output wires are exposed. I touch 60V DC (about triple the output from my laptop charger) regularly and I get a nice tingling sensation when I do but nothing else. For mains, see what I wrote above. The idea that touching mains is instant death is simply untrue.

>>303145
>>303132
There's also like two layers of Residual Current Devices in every modern household that will get triggered if you have a severe electric shock.

Electrical work is pretty safe in this day and age. People lock off fuseboxes with a padlock before doing any work and disconnect the mains. The only time I've seen someone have an electric shock at my old construction job was when the manager at the supermarket refused to turn the power off for the freezers, but he got chewed out for it.

>>303145
>>303146
That's… actually very reassuring. Thank you. I think I can sleep a little better now…

been practicing tying knots lately
feels good i wont be here anymore
haha get fucked normies

>>303145
>I am currently looking into what output voltage and current capability I would need from a supply to guarantee instant death as it is an attractive suicide method because (for me) it would almost surely be assumed to be accidental.
Not that I am telling you to KYS but I remember getting so many warnings from hobbyists saying a microwave transformer makes for a really cheap spot welder, but to be careful with the capacitor lying around it. I do have the transformer somewhere in my room, I think it's a standarized component that converts 120v into at least 10Kv.

You seem well versed in this, correct me if I'm wrong but doesn't part of the danger in dealing with electricity, besides internal burns, comes from the potential of electrical current messing with your hearts electrical rythm? For example, you could be severely dehydrated and already suffering from electrolyte imbalances and if you touch two wires from hand to hand, making sure it passes over chest, that'd be troublesome wouldn't it?

>>303156
>microwave transformer
I've heard of people using these to generate HV but I've never used one. I have used a CRT flyback transformer to generate nice arcs before.

>electrical current messing with your hearts electrical rythm
You needn't already be weak for this to happen, sustained shocks from mains are known to cause ventricular fibrillation.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electrical_injury

The thing is, I do not merely want to ensure that I die. I want to ensure that I am knocked out before I die from ventricular fibrillation / internal organ damage. I know that a sufficiently high voltage will do this from reading people's accounts and watching electrical rekt webms, but to be safe I must find out exactly what the minimum voltage (and at what frequency if it's AC) is required to guarantee a loss of consciousness. I must then find out how much current the power source must supply. This is pretty much impossible to determine precisely since the body's impedance is highly variable. Fortunately, I need not bother trying to come up with a precise figure. A worst-case scenario estimate will suffice. Finally, I must determine how long the supply needs to provide this current for. A pulsed power supply would be easier to design / cheaper to purchase. I would also want to have a timer on the supply to avoid starting a fire so a worst-case scenario estimate of the length of the required pulse from the supply to guarantee death is necessary. I am reading about electric chairs and stunning devices for cattle currently to get an idea of what I'll need.

For the record, I don't think this is a great suicide method compared to more conventional techniques but if I pull it off correctly my family will never know I killed myself.

Slowly but surely losing touch with my only friend as I'm turning 30.
I know people here are immune to loneliness, yet this level of isolation is something I was fine with as a youth, but not anymore.
I'm exhausted from life even though I never really managed to do much with it so far.
I genuinely feel like I'm too simple minded to be a proper person sometimes.
I wish the world was simpler for me too.

My life got derailed a long time ago and I can't find my way back to the tracks, not even sure what I should want from it anyways.
What should I want? What should I pursue…

So many years wasted rotting away, but is it even a waste if I had nothing in mind for that time to begin with?
Lost time is never found, but there are so many things I could lose just as well without notice.
The art supplies never used, the thousands of paths saved and imagined yet never walked.
Ideas written down for a better time, for a better me that never bothered showing up.

I'm no longer young. No longer an entity of pure potential. Just the shell, never opened, yet empty.

Nonsense rant.

>>302088
There's no such thing as a niche anymore since the COVID period. Normoids broke out of their internet mainstream containment bubbles thanks to having more down time. Then TikTok came around the same moment with short-form content and highly advanced algorithims which increased the exposure of everything you can think of. Anything decent that was left before 2020 has become highly mainstream, stagnant, and soulless.

>>303166
join comic forums

>>303166
edit: join comicS forums

I am such a weak pussy bitch. My mom had me do some really tedious work for her online business (peeling unwanted parts from some alternative medicine herbs) and I threw a tantrum and told her rudely that this will be the last time I do this for her. I really need to find a hobby and get good enough to earn money from it. I don't want to have to do this assembly line shit. My fried dopamine receptors can't take it. I'd rather kill myself. I don't understand how normies used to work in the coal mines for 10 hours and shit. Even doing some cleaning makes me depressed.

>>303177
>I really need to find a hobby and get good enough to earn money from it.
Same, but I should have done this 15 years ago when the opportunities were ripe.
I feel like the time for this is gone now, not because of age, but because of changes in online in general.

Another PTSD outburst today. I need to get used to being alone.

>>303182
>but because of changes in online in general.

100%. Etsy and eBay had their place before the resellers and bots piled in.

>>303195
I, too, am a skeleton on the inside

I hate the cold. It reminds me of death and makes normally bearable loneliness unbearable.

>>303165
What a painful experience, especially because I've had the exact same ones. Today is my birthday and I feel deeply sorrowful at turning one year older yet having nothing to show for it. So many fantasies I used to have, desires which I still have, yet my current situation is so far removed that all my desires seem like an impossibility.

I have tried and attempted so much, wasted so much money on art supplies, tools, resources, all for identities I wanted to adopt. But even doing the bare minimum challenges my limits. So you know what? I have decided to give up, stop trying, do absolutely nothing, and just operate within my limits. Within the energy that I can afford.

And so far, although sorrowful, it has helped me greatly. Especially because I have horrible OCD, I have managed to feel more at peace, even if the pain in my heart weighs heavily.

I have come to learn the value of 'experience'. To fully experience the moment with all its sorrows, limitations and agony. To simply… exist. And let my thoughts converge on their own.

After all… there's nothing else we could do, right? If all effort fails, then the most helpful thing is to do nothing at all.

>too lazy to do the things i need to do
>can't even use of my free time since i don't enjoy anything anymore
Anyone else here in full rot mode? Don't know if I'm dopamine burnt out or what. Shit's fucked.

>>303217
i like the cold because it makes brown people uncomfotable

>>303218
It's crazy how much of this just looks like "he is a lazy retard" from the outside when it takes more energy for a simple step than it takes for others to walk the whole road ahead.

I tried many things, bought many tools, set things up for myself to start a path, but I get stuck in mental loops until I reach a breaking point and give up.
I feel shackled by this basically all my life and it affects every aspect of it to the point where inaction and quietly rotting away became preferable to the torment of choice and the overwhelming obsessive thoughts that action spawns.

A stupid example would be a hobby I tried getting back into. Card games (yugioh) were a huge part of my childhood.
Now as an adult every part of it is driving me to the brink of madness.
The acquisition of cards, the storage of them, sleeves, double sleeving them, making and learning decks.
Preparing for the "event", the logistics of it all, then going there, the interactions and actually playing.
All of this, ever step of the way is a new torment.
Cardstock is also poor quality so they curl, bend whatever from humidity and it's making me mad. Sleeves are uneven so they might be considered marked. Stuff like this. The social aspects and storage/management too.

Then I see random people showing up with filthy sleeves, unwashed hands curled and damaged cards they can barely even read due to the language barrier have a time of their life enjoying the game without a second thought.
Yet here I am obsessing over everything, killing myself in the process.

Making simple decisions like what decks to play, what characters to pick in a video game also send me for a loop that fries my brain until I uninstall.
This has been a theme since childhood.
I could never progress much into MMOs because I'd keep rerolling, same for games, same for life… I started a degree for 3-4 different things, and other schooling that I never finished.

I can't seem to escape these thought loops that torment me until I surrender.
I'm starting to TRY to accept that not all things need to be perfect, but these are thoughts I feel I have no control over.

So now I basically operate within my limits, as you said. That unfortunately translates to a life passing by rapidly. A simple phone call takes weeks or months to accomplish.
Starting a new video game can take a year. Going to an event gets put off for months that turns into a year again.
Fixing health issues get put off until I'm no longer able to ignore them.

I'm trying to catch myself and these thoughts as they happen and resolve them somehow within myself to make progress, but simply surrendering to doing nothing is so much easier.
So much more comforting.
Doing nothing can't be why I'm here for… I dreamed of much more. I want more from my life. I want to be rid of these mental shackles.

Going to have to get a root canal done. Anyone here get one before? Does it hurt? Pretty nervous about it

>>303252
Make sure you are properly numb before they start and make sure to immediately tell the doctor to use more anesthetics if you feel even a tiny bit of pain during the procedure.
Lift your hand or whatever it takes.
Sometimes they miss the spot with the injection (had it happen multiple times) and they think you are numb when it didn't work.
If you feel some stuff going down your throat (medicine numbing thing) while they inject, that means they fucked it up.
Let them know.
Sometimes you are numb on the outside if that makes any sense, but deeper into it you might not be and it's hard to tell.

Afterwards it will hurt, but you should be given antibiotics or maybe just pain killers.
If you have a fever call for antibiotics later if they didn't put you on them immediately.
Don't "tank the damage" so to speak.
I fucked up doing that once.

Basic advice, you probably knew all this already. No need to worry.
Worst thing that can happen is that they have to pull the tooth of it's worse than they expected it to be.

>>303253
Ok thanks. I've looked online and people compare it getting a cavity filled? Is this accurate?

>>303256
No. It is worse. Not by a lot and depends on circumstances, but it's not the same.

Your teeth that gets worked on isn't going to be the one causing you pain, but the surrounding area that got molested as a result if that makes any sense.
I had inflammation for a few days, nothing super major, but considering most if not all my fillings were without anesthesia I would say it is worse.
Again, nothing to worry about, just prepare mentally for a few days of pain killers and pay attention to fever signs.
If you have fever, don't hesitate to call or go back.

It's also quite random, for one I had no issues for another I did suffer a bit more.
Same with wisdom teeth. I had my jaw broken for one, and the other was removed and didn't even need stitches. It's hard to tell.
If you are prone to panicking just go to sleep after or something.
I'm paranoid as hell and if I have inflammation I do feel my forehead as hot, but no fever. So don't get too worked up, make sure to check temps instead of panicking.

Had another ER visit for my blood pressure.
Nothing conclusive found, likely a combination of nightshifts and stress.
Legitimately felt like I was going to die.
Again.

I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I worked on getting healthier over the year and the result?
Same shit when I was abusing my body last year.
How does one not just give up after this? I already told my mom to call my one friend so he would at least know if I croaked and not just ghosted…
Exhausted.

Told my parents I wanted to kms months ago

They never asked about it, never amended their behavior. Never bothered to follow up on it. I don't think they really even give a shit.

No wonder I ended up a soulless fuck, a clueless, useless father and a miserable, cold mother. I'm just glad my little brother is starting to break away from this shit. I hope he thrives