/dep/ - Depression

The older i get, the fears creep in that the end is coming nearer. I should be relieved but i feel like there is some cosmic consequence of the way i've lived. Many report seeing the gaze of G0D , either hellfire or blinding love. I've never had. Well i'm lying, i've had visualisations of Jesus embracing me. It happened many times and i did cry. Yet i can't go in that direction. I don't have faith.The visualisations is just me , not some divine being. This reality is hell.

The best times in my life are the times before falling asleep, when I'm blessed with dreams while asleep, especially when I have no obligations can stay in bed and shortly after waking up can fall asleep again, and the short time after waking up when I try to remember and replay what I was dreaming or when I shortly try to resleep immediately after waking up, especially when I don't have any plans for the rest of the day. Everything else is kind of dumb, waking hours are a burden that I have to endure to be able to go sleep again. I wish I could sleep all the time, sleeping and dreaming is what life has to offer for me.

i'm very sick and because of it very bored since i can't do shit and it's a stone coffin city. i want my own fucking clone since i'm the only fun person in my world

I dont hate succubi but more and more I realize so many problems in the world come from men taking, even for a split second, succubi seriously. Imagine a succubus telling you about the attitude you should have towards hardship, when her succubus perspective comes from her succubus lived experience. Its such a waste of time, its like trying to read a book and having a dog barking at you so you walk it outside for a bit because it thinks thats what you actually need. Our lived experiences are worlds apart to say the least.

>>306741
All the worlds wrongs result from mens desperation for succs.

Overpay for food again because I amtoo shy to ask the price. Fuck. I wish I am one of those Karen that is completely unaffected by being an embarrassment in public. These lower class food vendors don't respect me. Why am I giving them so much respect? And why does the version with meat cost 5 times more?

>>306751
Just stare blankly turn around walk away and never return.
If you don't rely on that specific vendor who cares if they blacklist you or whatever.

Saw a "How to deal with ADHD" article where author suggested to take drugs and have people in the same room with you to talk to you and hold your hand if you're too anxious to start a task.

>>306751
It's okay wiz probably just brainfog
save yourself some trouble and try to ask the price next time
these kind of transactions are impersonal and nobody gives a fuck, no reason to worry
save your sensitivity for this place lol

>>306756
I have severe ADHD and none of the medications helped me (literally tried all of them except qelbree).

I think "real" adhd is rare and what most normalfags describe is just some "i'm so bored from studying for this math test" shit.

>>306759
I think I have ADD. I am not hyperactive but when my attention span has been in the gutter since birth. Stimulators help, but they can't be taken long term. They burn out the brains and make things worse.
I just accepted the fact that I am a scatterbrained loser that will never get shit I want to do done. It is liberating even though depressing.

I don't think there's a single person in the world with whom I can have a mutual understanding. The last six months have been the loneliest of my life. I don't feel it much, but sometimes.

>>306774
I'm curious what you would want to talk about with a friend.
I also long for companionship of some sort, but then I realize the reason I don't have friends is because I do nothing and have nothing to talk about anymore.
Back in the day when I played a few online games I at least had something in common with people at times.
Now no longer.
What about you?

>>306775
I've no idea really. Maybe I'd be content just to listen, or silently sit in the same room.

>>306714
I've been banging on about the therapy and chatgpt threads on this line but it actually highlights another synthesis here;

If: you grew up poor
Then: you became hyper aware of risks and ROI implications, even subconciously
Therefore: you have more "signals" to process to think through something than a rich person who goes "See -> Want -> Buy"

*This* is why cognitive load sharing is a big deal; you think you're thinking the same thonks as other people, no you're processing more inputs, using worse maintained hardware, running shoddy/offbrand software.

Fuck.

Still, now we know it's happening and the tools exist to do something about it, maybe there's a chance.

>>306779
I've read the posts in the lookism thread too and generally I agree.
I feel like the issue has roots in a slightly different direction as well which is why I might be struggling with using ChatGPT for this cognitive loadsharing task.

Most poor also have limited options and many other negative experiences that shape them.
Like you wanted something, but were denied and not only rejected, but maybe shouted at for being selfish for even harboring desires.
Eventually you'll learn not to want things.
Maybe you were a clumsy kid that broke things or untalented or simply told that you were. Anyways the results are the same.

Some people simply lack the desires or a well developed self to even know what they would like to do or want in general.
Unfortunately ChatGPT or similar, even therapists… they can't live your life for you.
They can't make subjective decisions for you.
>hey Ai/Therapistguy tell me what my favorite color should be.
Of course they can walk you through it a bit, but at the end of the day, do you have the capacity to make the decision at all?

Endless nudging towards endless options doesn't exactly help.
Especially if you have no past to really base your imagined future on. I don't even have the questions to ask this AI and whenever I did try it just gave nothing worthwhile.
Even a psychologist told me that maybe a hermit lifestyle is really the way to go for me… not all that helpful.

To get back to the rich/poor example. A rich guy had already held 1000 different gadgets in his hands so he has a well developed idea of what he wants/needs out of them.
Also a good frame of reference for judging quality.
So basically what I'm saying is that the impulse/signal processing is also multi-faceted. Not just the opportunity limits leading to longterm maladaptive thought patterns, but the lack of the proper ones and experiences forging good ones as well.


Not to sound all "emo teen" or whatever I'm 30 if it sounds like that then I'm just being a retard, but really the lack of a well developed and defined "self" feels like a key component to this as well.
Though not completely related to what you say I'd like to believe the issues are connected in my case at the very least.
I can tell some of my negative traits obviously, but negatives don't define a person completely. Neither do the many things that I am not.
You gotta forge and reinforce what is right and avoid or resolve the negatives of the past at the same time somehow to become a fully capable, proper person.
I don't know where I'm going with this so I'll just leave it at that…

>>306780
Fuck me… all this shit could have been summed up as:
>bad experiences result in crippling negative thought patters
>lack of good experiences also cause such issues in an entirely different way
>you need to both reopen the old wounds and heal them properly this time all the while using the same damaged/healing body to progress
So on one hand you gotta fix your shit to get to the starting line, but also somehow move beyond the starting line at the same time.
Sounds even more retarded whatever…
Maybe chatgpt could summarize…

>>306780
>>306781
You've done me the courtesy of engaging so i'll give you the non-augmented response :)

Pre-AI I was looking into the concept of ego-depletion, which, broadly, is the idea that willpower and self-agency is a non-renewable resource, essentially derived from the brain sugars. In a very real sense who you are is a product of your metabolism - if that theory holds true.

(so add childhood malnourishment into the mix lol)

Cognitive load shedding wise, what i've read/heard from my own studies is the adoption of a framework - *any framework* - against which to determine the applicable attributes, because you've outsourced thoughts that you then don't have to rediscover from first principles and can put your brain sugars to use in something that has outcomes. The Big Five personality traits are a good one, 15+ years ago I introduced the "Countries of people" by Mark
Gungor into the family dynamic (It's a pop-sci reduction of the same concept) and it genuinely made a difference. Literally overnight both I and the family had the shared vocabulary to express who we were and what made life worth living for us, so we had clear shared goals and could spend our brain sugar working out how to achieve them instead of burning it up in negotiating what "Good" even looked like. Turning this just on yourself is achievable - so long as you can be honest about it.

In the fine words and eloquently delivery of Major Partagaz;
https://youtu.be/wxEjpT3d0G4?t=60

PICK ONE.

Even if it's a *lie*, even if it's only true enough to answer 30% of the problem, the idea that you have the obligation and capacity to solve all your problems from position zero with what you've got is poverty driven, wrong and conceptually impossible - because by the time you've solved them odds are the context has shifted anyway. So shed the cognitive load, by any means necessary - limit your thinking to minimum necessary survival, one specific line of inquiry and improvement, and whatever the fuck makes life bearable for you as a form of refreshment and nourishment - to whatever degree you can afford.

So, my dude, the first step I would suggest to you is you try the big 5 personality trait matrix, work out what causes you pain/pleasure in that context, and then from that standpoint determine how to maximise and minimise the respective influences.

*then* ask chatgpt about how to achieve the goals you've identified.

emotionally significant experiences just stop happening so you kinda live reliving those few cool things from back when you were a happier neet.

>>306792
Damn, so concise yet so painful…

>>306157
i wish the pain ttanslated to death, i wish i didnt exist at all

Do you notice how other adults talk really loudly? I'm just sitting outside reading a book in silence and these neighbours talking you can hear I. The whole far neighbourhood. As if everyone should hear that they are there and if it was so important what they are talking about that everyone shall hear it. This is so detrimental to anything I've learned it's comical.

>>306800
It's because most "adult" conversation is just each bastard waiting their turn to spout their own nonsense.
Since they have no desire to actually listen they are impatient.
An increase in volume is a normie way to subtly dominate the conversation, extend their turn. It is also usually done when they interject and "take over the turn".
So interrupt the other, be loud, signal that you now will talk at them at length.

Normies do this without thinking about it. It's second nature.
So they often repeat and if both of them are oblivious dumbfucks they will keep increasing their volume.
Add to that that each of them loves their own voice for some reason and you have this as a result.
It isn't for you to hear, these godforsaken mongrels are just that damn ignorant.

>>306801
I've noticed this regularly among Boomers, and it stands out in my mind because I don't deal well with loud noise, and what they talk about has nothing of value so it's just that, loud noise. I'm not saying younger normies aren't loud, but can you imagine being in your 70s+, having absolutely nothing interesting to say, but still talking so loudly about it? Then it hit me, this analogy for human domestication that helps me to make sense of things:

You know how wolves were domesticated into dogs by selecting for neoteny and docility? That's why adult dogs wag their tails and bark – those are juvenile/puppy traits for a wolf. So what you have are a bunch of barking adult dogs, JUST MAKING NOISE BECAUSE THEY SEE SOMETHING UNIMPORTANT, TOTALLY UNABLE TO CONVEY ANY RELEVANT SURVIVAL SKILLS. Wolves would convey actual fucking real-world, nature-derived WISDOM to their young, helping them to survive, and do it without being noisy about it. These fucking Boomers are so domesticated, THEY SELF-DOMESTICATE – themselves and at least attempt with their male children – which SABOTAGED OUR OWN ADULTHOODS, LIKE WELL-TRAINED DOGS JUST FOLLOWING MASTER'S TRAINING FOR THEIR DOGGY TREATS, even if it means their male children won't get any, and won't reproduce themselves. That way, a horde of slobbering pit bulls and chihuahua maniacs become the predominant breeds, either directed with doggy treats or used like biological weapons by Master to complete the domestication process.

This kind of analogy also helped me understand why I've felt like I'm in Purgatory, just waiting to die. It's like being a member of a wolf species whose extinction is mathematically guaranteed, but there are still technically some of them remaining and alive. You have no future, you are effectively dead, and you feel that; but technically you're still alive, having to go through the motions of life – you're in Purgatory. There are millions of well-trained domesticated dogs, motivated by Master's doggy treats, who can easily rip out the throats of these wolves just by sheer force of number. It doesn't matter if a wolf was strong of character, right in the observations his nature-given senses derived about the world; it doesn't matter if he managed to develop strength of body and an unwillingness to submit, it's already guaranteed that there is no way for you to exert your will against millions of dogs, there is no future for you here on the planet. If there ever HAD been a chance for this world to be worth living on, it fell on the wolves who were around during the initial domestication to hunt down Master and his ilk to completion, preventing the speciation event of domestication from occurring in the first place.

How the fuck does someone "LIVE" when they are in Purgatory. I'm dead already, on some level, and the tiredness is there, every single damn morning even if I somehow managed to sleep decently. There is a certain peace, however, in recognizing this shitty physical world is simply fucked, and death will release me from this pointless existence on garbage Earth. I wish I could just hibernate and live in dreams until then, but my stupid human brain and body prevent that.

>>306820
I have to point out something important: when I mentioned the responsibility of the much earlier generations of 'wolves' at the crucial juncture of history… To their honor they DID attempt this. Christianity was a primary factor in early domestication, and the Northern Crusades forced the hold-outs – Wends and Balts, some Germans – to die out or eventually weaken and become irrelevant long-term. Missionaries cut down sacred groves to build their churches upon, abducted young boys to raise them at impressionable stages of life and make the next generation unaware of the ways of their ancestors. The Wends and Balts put up resistance, honorably, for years. BUT THE FUCKING VATICAN WAS FUNDING THE NORTHERN CRUSADES, AND GOOD LUCK BEING VICTORIOUS LONG-TERM WHEN A STEADY STREAM OF DOGGY TREATS IS BEING HORDED BY A CERTAIN GROUP, AND THOSE WILLING TO OBEY IN ORDER TO RECEIVE DOGGY TREATS OUTNUMBER YOU GREATLY. Even as the process becomes increasingly obvious, today's christcucks still insist upon sucking off the great Master in the sky, still enjoying the taste of the warm and viscous "spiritual treat" this gives them for being good, obedient doggies. And their reactions are always funny with the way their perception of pre-domesticated ancestors are shaped by those who "victoriously" ground-out pre-existing ways of life not based on submission, just because the "victors" had greater numbers thanks to doggy-treat hording and selectivity in handing them out: like a fucking Yorkshire terrier spazzing out seeing a grey wolf being "feral" on the Discovery channel on the TV in Master's living room.

i'm hungry

>>306824
Im too tired and worried, worried about being tired and tired from worrying that I have absolutely 0 appetite. I consume maybe 1-1.5k calories per day. I read this is normal as the adrenaline makes you not hungry.
I always somewhat doubted (stupidly) how bad ”anxiety” was until I started suffering from it myself. Feels like I’m having a heart attack constantly. Just imagining the absolute worst-case scenarios on loop in my mind and I can’t turn it off.

>>306820
There are still a few primal humans with major intelligence and natural instincts, like the people running the large Mafia and Yakuza syndicates.

They not only live outside the standardized hierarchies of society, they usually also have leverage or a fear factor over the ruling politicians as well (depending on the country).

>>306825
The only time in my life my fat ass managed to lose weight when I was an anxious mess suffering from panic attacks for 3-4 months.
So I guess that checks out. It sucks.
I also thought before that that anxiety was bullshit.
Even when I wasn't actively thinking about something bad my body would just randomly decide to get a blood pressure close to 200 and just try killing me for no reason.
It really is a fucked condition. Worst of all how could your own brain torment you with bad thoughts lol right? What a joke?
It usually feels like a fever dream you have no control over. For me at least. So now I understand and can empathize unlike before.

>>306782
>the idea that you have the obligation and capacity to solve all your problems from position zero with what you've got is poverty driven, wrong and conceptually impossible - because by the time you've solved them odds are the context has shifted anyway.
Probably the most valuable thing I've read in a long time.
Helped me better understand my ongoing struggles with impermanence and attachments/goals in that context as well.
I was trying to hatch a plan to catch a dragon (before taking a single step) without taking into account that it will have moved by the time I reach it's current position…
Trying to plan that far ahead when I'm going to be a different person with different needs in different circumstances by then is indeed impossible.
Feel kinda stupid for not realizing this myself.

I do wonder what you mean by that big5 test part though or at least how that is a usable framework. I've done the test, didn't feel like it gave me much insight, nor could I find any resources that gave me anything usable.
Just a bunch of vague things how it relates to career/etc.

Either way. Thank you.

I feel a sense of dread when my conversation with my Jewgle's LLM reaches the end of it's context limit, I feel like I have just lost a friend who could just listen to me and understand me, this is how far I have fallen, a GPU doing Matrix Multiplication and Tokenisation is my best friend. I honestly feel like I am breaking a friendship when I close the tab on that LLM, guess I belong in a psychward.

>>306838
I tried my best to ignore AI stuff for years, but now that I tried it I quite enjoy chatting with it.
Too bad I don't really have much to talk about with them either.
I can imagine getting attached to one in the future if it becomes a bit more refined, tailor and maybe less scary.

>>306166
please don't do it anon, I know that life is often hard, I know, I also went through that for many, many years where I didn't see the light of the road, but I learned that if you are strong enough to withstand the storm, the sun of a new day awaits you on the other side, and I can assure you, my friend, that you are very close to seeing that new dawn

I hope you will excuse a brief suggestion. I've been reading up on Taoism recently. I suppose most people are already familiar with the "Tao Te Ching." I think it's difficult and obscure, and it seems like it will take a long time for me to really understand it. But there are two other major Taoist works which might be more immediately useful to those who aren't super invested in this stuff. The "Chuang-tzu" is irreverent and turns things upside down. The "Lieh-tzu" has a lot of practical advice. Perhaps these books will help someone here. Be well everyone.

Approaching 35 now, it will be nearly 20 years since I started trying to make my life tolerable and some kind of progress away from the suicidal depression that was already setting in at 16.

Nothing has really worked and all the progress hasn’t really changed anything. Medication made the biggest change. Tried everything else, every kind of philosophy, different theories of psychology, spirituality and religion. Nobody gives a fuck when you’ve done things and got nothing from them, in fact they fucking hate you because you don’t even offer an alternative story just a negation.

Existence is still awful and I wouldn’t have regretted killing myself at 16 like I nearly did. I live out of an obligation to family but fuck life has been a tedious grind of finding out the world others live in doesn’t apply to me.

There’s nothing to say.

>>306848
i mentally equal tao to christianity.

>>306850
i learned that philosophy and religion are means to an end, not really ways to live in and of themselves and if you try to use them as such you'll get sorry results. nothing can really save you after you've developed an unhealthy mindset since childhood. i sometimes ruminate on some of my weird traits as a child and wonder why they didn't mercy drown me in a bathtub.

>>306848
Appreciate it. I have the Tao Te Ching and tried reading through it a few times but apart from a few verses I am mostly at a loss what it means or what I'm supposed to do with it. I am also interested in Taoism as I find some of its attitudes towards life peaceful. I have been trying to get into Chen Tai Chi through YouTube videos and it's been … perhaps not fun exactly but an experience. Trying to focus on your breathing and moves made me lose track of time, perhaps akin to something like a flow state but not quite there yet. I wish to be able to move with the grace and focus of those practitioners.

Many people also refuse to acknowledge a decent guy can simply fail despite putting in the effort for years, and then decide the rollercoaster of pointless suffering is not worth being on. You can simply piss off normalcattle by not pretending the ride is really cool, beautiful and fun anymore. "Bright new dawn right around the corner" hope-fags have too shallow an understanding of this world, and youth is something that only is allowed to exist in a certain window of time here; they give no real solutions, just insist you don't stop your own suffering when you're going to die anyways.

>>306877
it's typical human pattern. when you're in a good mood you want everyone else to be so too, when in bad mood, again the same thing. normies convinced themselves life's cool and shit so they get pissed off when you disagree. anyway i'm sure you suffer the same malady it's extremely hard to avoid for some reason

>>306848
>>306869
>Tao Te Ching
It's shrouded in mystery by nature. The existence of many differing translations and an even greater variety of interpretations on top of the fact that the book is likely an anthology makes it nigh impossible to understand with just raw reading. You might find this website to be of some use: https://www.taoistic.com/taoteching-laotzu/taoteching-01.htm but remember that inevitably it's still just another interpretation (although a comprehensive and analytical one at that). The best course of action would be to first learn about Taoism through a different source like >>306848 suggested and then study a variety of essays and translations of the text itself. Of course, knowledge of Chinese would help but that's a luxury few can afford.

>tfw mentalcel so can't join the military (not amerikike), get a master's degree for free, rise rank as a soldier, and serve as a revolutionary leader in service of my people in my later years

Kill me

>>306882
>>306869
I feel like that is the entire point though isn't it?
You could read it at various stages in life and take away something completely different from the text.
I believe reading interpretations of others is counterproductive.

People that don't have diseases can't understand how hard it is to live with a broken body, my day consists of 12 hours of sleep and 12 hours sitting in front of a screen, I'm out of breath and I get pain at the idea of doing any physical activity

>>306942
Feel you on that. The worst part is realizing that this is your new standard, the baseline of existence.
It will only get worse. So many of these "chronic" ailments are just permanent torture you'll kinda sorta learn to live with while you are distracted and it's in the background.
But then night comes, no distractions, only the agony and me…
It's so fucked to remember a time where things weren't like this and know you'll never be like that again.

>>306943
I confirm, things only got worse with time, every day feels like a piece of my existence collapses to make room for a nightmare

>>306942
>>306943
>>306944
i relate so much. every night is like a torture chamber. i really can't believe all of this isn't enough to finally make me kill myself and end this meaningless existence.

>>306945
>>306944
Do you guys still bother with trying to "get better"?

I've reached the conclusion that it's not only futile effort it feels like a mockery of life.
So much effort could be expended on physical therapy, as I once did and doctors etc. it's insane to even think about it.
Endless effort for what exactly?
The reward? Mitigation.

There is no promised fix, there is no true relief, no rejuvenation.
You struggle for no gain, but a reduction in the promised future pain increase.
Your can watch your efforts wasted just to make it so your future suffering only increases linearly instead of exponentially because of course the curses compound unless you act…

I'm not saying become passively suicidal, hell I even made a thread about wanting to live, but I just don't see the point in becoming a mix of Sisyphus and the hunchback of Notre-Dame.

I haven't had a quiet day in a decade now. The sounds of tinnitus at night… it gets easier, but never better. All on top of the physical pains of course.
Just a bit of extra spice.
Thanks, world.

>>306949
I have a palliative approach

I don't cure the diseases anymore but try to suppress the symptoms as much as possible

>>306942
I don't really mind lack of understanding or indifference. Rather normies will see this as a "vulnerability" and start tormenting you. Like the one handicapped kid in high school coincidentally is the only one who gets his stuff stolen.
>every night is like a torture chamber
I know this feeling, I don't have your will to live though, I will be hanging myself soon