No.306949
>>306945>>306944Do you guys still bother with trying to "get better"?
I've reached the conclusion that it's not only futile effort it feels like a mockery of life.
So much effort could be expended on physical therapy, as I once did and doctors etc. it's insane to even think about it.
Endless effort for what exactly?
The reward? Mitigation.
There is no promised fix, there is no true relief, no rejuvenation.
You struggle for no gain, but a reduction in the promised future pain increase.
Your can watch your efforts wasted just to make it so your future suffering only increases linearly instead of exponentially because of course the curses compound unless you act…
I'm not saying become passively suicidal, hell I even made a thread about wanting to live, but I just don't see the point in becoming a mix of Sisyphus and the hunchback of Notre-Dame.
I haven't had a quiet day in a decade now. The sounds of tinnitus at night… it gets easier, but never better. All on top of the physical pains of course.
Just a bit of extra spice.
Thanks, world.
No.306955
>>306949I have a palliative approach
I don't cure the diseases anymore but try to suppress the symptoms as much as possible
No.306979
>>306942I don't really mind lack of understanding or indifference. Rather normies will see this as a "vulnerability" and start tormenting you. Like the one handicapped kid in high school coincidentally is the only one who gets his stuff stolen.
>every night is like a torture chamberI know this feeling, I don't have your will to live though, I will be hanging myself soon
No.306980
observing people, who not simply have it worse, but also react to it in much the same way that you do, isn't merely humiliating, it chips away your soul like nothing else. it strips suffering of its every feature, not even leaving the small satisfaction of suffering something unique. it makes your life just a gray boundless desert of purposeless agony.
No.306983
We need to address the fact that there is nothing after this life and all the torment we get is completely useless: no justice, no relief, no reward.
I feel uneasy to accept that the meek has the same fate as the warmonger.
Plenty of evil in this world.
No.306985
>>306983material existence is an illusion. it's atoms bumping into each other. what each soul does or doesn't is ultimately determined by pure chaos, random chance of material circumstances. any random person is 2-3 bad decisions away from becoming those he hates and pities and condemns to a cage. once you die and you wake up from this nightmare, you'll realize how ridiculous it all was. "i was this tiny little insignificant creature with needs and urges, and i fought the other creatures to get the right atoms in my stomach for fuel and we chased and raped slightly tinier and curvier creatures to keep our sexual urges at bay and then we got even tinier creatures that we felt compelled to take care of. man, that was insane. i see now that i was all of these creatures at once, but i was split and i did not know it. anyway, last time i take a hit from the cosmic creation bong. time to get back to PURE INFINITE ETHEREAL BEING or whatever the fuck i was doing before."
No.306986
oh god i am so fucking tried
No.306988
>>306987trip -> break your arm -> get opiod prescription for the pain -> get addicted -> become a fent zombie that pimps out his own mother for cash
actual evil is much more banal and common place than jewish history fan fiction.
No.306989
>>306988>trip -> break your arm -> get opiod prescription for the pain -> get addicted -> become a fent zombie that pimps out his own mother for cashSounds like you're a victim of medical malpractice rather than an evil person
Actual evil is when you're mentally sane and rationally decide to cause suffering upon someone else
No.307010
>>306989I think he meant evil being banal and common place refers to evil being a byproduct of regular and ordinary phenomenons humans can NOT control or decide. So there is evil that is not based in international subjective behaviour attributable to a person but it's rather just natural and a probable happenings in an indifferent and meaningless universe that doesn't care about causing maximal suffering and wrongdoing (pimping out own mother for cash) for the life forms existing in it.
No.307013
Life is suffering
No.307017
>>307013that's right. i wish i could handle it
No.307019
i might be severely delusional but is starving easier than nofaping?
No.307020
>>306647>before committing suicide. Terry was murdered
No.307022
>>307020It was an accident I believe. Not suicide or murder.
No.307036
I really want to just drop out of society completely, but I don't know how to do it. Welfare isn't an option.
Currently my idea is to carry on working for another year or two and buy a second hand caravan, and then only do seasonal work and live off investments, using a portable wifi router and an unlimited data plan for internet, but I don't know how workable that would be, and it still requires me to interact with society somewhat.
No.307037
>>307020>>307022No, it was almost certainly a suicide, that's very obvious from his last livestream at the library. He just snapped out of a psychosic episode and realized where he was, and talked on camera about how gross he is ruining the scene for normal people and a need to "purify himself". It's obvious by his tone and mannerisms that he was about do what he did.
He wasn't stupid, he was almost fifty and knew schizophrenics like him don't live into old age.
No.307042
>>307037You're speaking far too much sense. The rest of the internet will go on infantilizing the man like he didn't have his own agency as opposed to what you say.
No.307046
>have fucked up sleep schedule
>set alarm to start waking up early
>day 1 slept for 5 hours
>day 2 slept for 6 hours
>day 3 slept for 6 hours
>day 4 too tired and slept through my alarm
>slept for 12 hours
>can't sleep early the same night because I am not sleepy at all
>ended up sleeping at 4 am or something and waking up at 12
>back to where I started and harmed my health with sleep deprivation for no reason
No.307048
>>307036You brought up a real issue, if you're poor you can't successfully isolate from society. You need at least 300k to live off investments.
No.307050
>>307036Do a van with a mattress in the back, that way if you decide to rent a place you can have a rental if you want and you're not lugging a massive caravan around.
Orchid work is pretty good seasonal labour.
No.307055
On e you've developed a pessimistic mind set you can never really get rid of it. But you start not thinking about it and just keep on living as an automaton once you've skipped and survived the acute suicidal phases.
No.307059
>>307055>On e you've developed a pessimistic mind set you can never really get rid of itStop projecting
>be me>be a pessimistic misanthrope with murderous ideation>turn 19>go outside and have solitary experiences away from the computer>start lifting weights>suddenly consider life to be pretty coolThere. I just debunked your claim that a guy can never get rid of his pessimism.
>>307056>I don't understand how people can be optimistic when everything is so bad.You failing to understand people's feelings doesn't mean those feelings are wrong. It sucks for you that you consider everything to be bad, but here I sit unemployed on a rainy Monday morning with anime on my screen and a beer in my hand and I feel as though everything is good.
No.307061
I try to force myself to do hobbies. "Fake it till you make it" says the normalfag. It never works, and I never end up enjoying whatever I force myself to do.
right now I'm forcing myself to learn math, but my brain rejects the stuff at offhand because I do not, can not, and will not ever care about whether a particular sequence reaches a limit or not.
But it's that or nothing. It's that or sleeping all day, pacing around the house, or jerking off. Being idle makes me miserable because I'm "wasting time", working at something is equally miserable because I can't force myself to care.
No.307062
>>307059You haven't developed anything at the age of 19 so you can't say you overcame pessimism. I'm not talking a about getting out of puberty. Come back when you are 35 but I doubt you'll be a wizard.
No.307063
slows to a crawl, like clockwork
No.307064
>>307061Find a question or problem that you're curious about that can be modeled or solved by the mathematical concept you are studying. You can easily ask ChatGPT or some other LLM to give you reasons to care. Also, use graphical and coding tools whenever possible to get a real "feel" for the mathematical concept. Geogebra, Wolfram Mathematica, Jupyter Notebooks etc. visualize the concept, draw a pretty graph or animation, play around with it, solve problems.
If all that fails, then just pick a different branch or sub-branch of mathematics.
No.307088
just keeps crawling
No.307109
i need money to live alone and play games all day. it's so annoying if i just had only twice more energy and the part of the brain responsible for navigating social life i'd fuck the normies into oblivion. instead i am mortally afraid of making a phone call and no "getting over it" doesn't work as i basically get a hard reset once in a while that nullifies all of my efforts to deal with anxiety. i lack so little but without it i just can't do shit
No.307123
I feel like I have every possible flaw that a person could possibly have. Every day I seem to do things that I don't really want to do mindlessly and I only realize how retarded it was afterwards. I have very little self-control, and I'm pretty certain that I have a low IQ. I think I'm a terrible person and a useless demonic hylic parasite. I feel envy for people that are intelligent and hate themselves because at least I know that many of them don't deserve to feel the way that they do and their self-hatred isn't justified. Mine is. I don't receive the suffering that I deserve. I can't do anything, I don't find anything enjoyable. I don't even want anything from life but to be left alone. All I can do right now is type this shitty vague whiny paragraph in hopes of someone being able to relate to this. Sorry for this retarded post.
No.307127
>>307123here take a head pat! i've been at vague whineposting for years myself.
No.307128
>>307123I am mentally disabled. I have IQ below 50-60 because I'm overdeveloped in spatial intelligence, but piss poor at everything else. Even though nothing is visibly wrong with my appearence, I have near perfect symmetry that makes me look like an uncanny valley analog horror monster. I can't look at my reflection without making my skin crawl and many people have called me a freak.
You know, truthfully, I don't want to do anything. I feel this perfect void of nothingness in my chest that feels calm, but heavy to endure. It makes the present moment so unbearable, so difficult to stay awake under this pressure. No, it's not depression, because I know how depression feels like. It's this intense, suffocating sense of serenity. Everything feels perfect, everything feels good, and all thats left is your desire to do something that's met with an overwhelming wall of pressure. My frustrations occur when I try to distract myself, whether with food or something else, because enduring this sensation is so difficult.
No.307130
>>307128>I have near perfect symmetry that makes me look like an uncanny valley analog horror monsterWhen i was a child i would dream of a body like this, not in asthetic but in fiction. A body where symmetry is so fine tuned, every muscle fibre and even every vein and artery for most part are nearly symmetrical. I actually envy this a little bit. If you have such a high spatial awareness, i am a little curious on why won't you take a hobby like break dance or something like combat sports, you might have gift even you never knew.
No.307131
>>307130near perfect symmetry looks good theoretically or in fiction, but in real life, its extremely creepy. I actually want to play soccer but I feel so awkward being around normies. So I'll just run at 3am.
No.307132
>>307109> i am mortally afraid of making a phone call I've had similar problems. Living alone while neeting for some time didn't help. Looks like it's only the rope for me.
No.307137
honestly this is a dead end. i knew it'd be like this in the end but, well, knowing and actually experiencing are always quite different aren't they? this feels so fucking bad idk what i can even do
No.307165
I didn't see any mice or rats in winter and I didn't even hear them scratching in the walls so I thought I was good but
>One old house in our neighborhood burned down recently
>Another was demolished because the owner died
>Threw away some stuff and de-cluttered, maybe it was hiding out?
And now I just saw one in my room. How am I gonna sleep tonight? I guess I have been slacking a little and leaving laundry in the hampers and eating (I don't think I dropped any fucking crumbs!!) but this scenario has reminded me of A.) Why I despise living in the country and B.) Why poverty sucks so bad. You little rat bastard, you could go fucking anywhere you wanted but you choose my goddamn house. I've bought traps and mint and alcohol, I'm getting rid of it, I'm terrified of these fuckers. I have to piss and I'm just sitting here terrified, terrified, God! Show me some mercy. I checked the sex offender registry and there's some pedo a few blocks away. Scarily enough there's a thief too…anyway, Send it there!
No.307193
maybe i should make a separate thread on /wiz/. i think it's extremely gay how some people associate wizardly depression with crab bucket and think that it's healthy to want to get out of it. it reeks of crabdom for ten miles, *implies* that it is desirable to get life and thus a succ and everything that's considered to be "life". it's as if people don't even register the possibility that life itself isn't an option and isn't something desirable even, at least not in this day and age.
No.307194
>>307193it's just wiz apprentices. every time you see some guy that's pushing self-improvement and pulling yourself up by your bootstraps meme and crying about the "crab bucket" when faced with wizardly wisdom, just remind yourself that he's probably a very young guy in his early 20s that hasn't been sufficiently crushed by this world. like you say, it's not only that some things are out of reach, that you couldn't get them with sufficient time and effort, it's that these things aren't even desirable or worth having once you get them. the starry eyed apprentice believes that if only he can get such-and-such a job, move out, earn his parents and coworkers respect, then life will be good. material conditions are not enough because ours is a spiritual sickness. the world is inherently evil and lacking, no amount of success in the rat race will help alleviate the depression.
i suggest simply leaving them be and letting reality be their teacher. some lessons you just have to learn through experience. if they ever belonged here, even if they succeed in their norm-adjacent undertakings, they will realize it's not enough and that it's ultimately just a distraction. then life truly becomes unbearable, when the last of your copes disintegrates and you realize you were in hell and there was no out, no salvation to begin with, then you can finally earn the title of wizard.
No.307197
>>307194I hate the self-improvement thing too but I've been thinking of swallowing my pride and start getting into it. After all I am a retarded subhuman so who am I to know if something will "works" or not before I try it? Well I already know it won't work in the way these salesmen peddle it, my brian is too fucked to ever be a normal person much less a successful one but I still want to improve my life somehow and reduce suffering if nothing else. I don't expect to be happy.
No.307198
>>307197you're free to try, wiz. just don't make some moralfag thing out of it to get a rise out of depressed wizards that have tried more times than they can count. when a wizard finally reaches his "its over" despondent state, you should trust him that he has tried everything you're about to suggest and then some, and that he has simply had enough.
No.307201
>>307198>when a wizard finally reaches his "its over" despondent state, you should trust him that he has tried everything you're about to suggest and then some, and that he has simply had enough.Usually when advice is given to the 19 year old suicidal guy, users dogpile whoever's advocating for life and go out of their way to try harder to convince the 19 year old to kill himself. What, in the few sentient years of that kid's life, could he have possibly tried to feel better? And how much of his "depression" is actually just normal hormonal angst and imbalance?
No.307202
>>30720119 is a good age to end it tbh. you've already had over a decade worth of socialization, you already know that you do not belong in this retarded world. you don't really need another decade of wageslaving or trying to fit into college (high school extended cut), to know it's over. shit, some advanced wizards knew by 12. the only meaningful form of self-improvement for the wizard is finding a way to completely opt out of society or collecting the courage to end it, everything else is a waste of time.
>And how much of his "depression" is actually just normal hormonal angst and imbalance?lol. you don't end up here because of a hormonal issue. life IS truly horrible and depressing, it's not magic chemicals lying to you, bud. that type of gaslighting just prolonges peoples suffering and in the end the result is always the same.
No.307203
>>307202>19 is a good age to end it tbh>life IS truly horrible and depressing>that type of gaslighting just prolonges peoples sufferingThen I think it would be best if you doused yourself in gasoline and ignited yourself in front of your parents. It's fine, they'll understand, what with life being objectively horrible and depressing.
No.307204
>>307203>he was only 19 you sick fuck!! practically a baby!! they know nuffin about life!!and yet you can join the military and go to war at that age. for all means and purposes, the world considers you an adult at that point. some people don't want to admit it, but your life could already be over at 20. it's not like you're going to suddenly learn some new magic information that changes everything. life could only get worse as your body and mind deteriorate. it's the beginning of the end and it's a good age to decide to opt out.
No.307208
crawl…
No.307209
>>307193This board simply isn't for people who still want to get better. If you still want to recover you probably just have mild depression.
No.307213
>>307201Who fucking cares? So what if someone dies at 19 or 80? Why is it a problem either way?