No.306158
I'm being forced to stay alive by my parents and psychiatry, I have no freedom, they turned me into a disabled individual, I can't even order drugs because the mail is monitored, my life is absolute trash
No.306160
They always talk about how important body language is. I'm 33. The last two days were the first days in my life where I actually tried to pay attention to this. And it's fucking scary. I feel as if I have found a new dimension of communication and I can't control it at all. It's funny how I get like 2 seconds of relaxation with the other person and then their face immediately goes to disgust or 'something is wrong with this man, better be careful, he's probably a dangerous person, I don't like him'. I never noticed that because I never dared to look because what I now found was what I expected and now I have evidence for my expectations. Time to back to ignoring again, this is way too stressful.
No.306162
>>306160It's too tiring for me to care about social masking too. I tried the just put yourself out there meme in college and got nothing out of it besides new cringe memories. I have decided that my approach to socialization is going to be numbing myself and accepting what happens next.
No.306166
I want to kill myself. I dont know how to deal anymore with my life. I managed to get better for a little bit, but everything is back to the same shit it is always being. I cant anymore. I dont know what I get from this place. I am dying. Sorry for posting but I honestly cant anymore. I need to die
No.306167
>>306166I'm in constant suffering too, I hope you feel better knowing you're not alone in the torment
No.306170
Still dealing with sleep apnea & I literally see no way out. The gay medical system just wants to sell me useless big pharma shit. I already tried a CPAP machine but I can't sleep with that. Got jaw surgery but it didn't help. Now I'm about to get an oral appliance but I'm skeptical about it. They just want to sell you fucking archaic devices so that the jewish overlords make more money. They don't care if it actually solves your issues or not.
It's so frustrating to know that they invented easier, cheaper and more effective solutions like certain medications which could literally solve my chronic fatigue overnight, but those faggots will never prescribe it to me.
No.306171
For years, I have been trying to change with great dedication, constantly thinking about how to make it happen. Even though I realized many times that I couldn't do it, I kept deceiving myself because I felt I had no other choice. At the end of five years, I have clearly understood that change is not possible. You are who you are. Now, I am thinking about how a lifetime will pass with social anxiety, OCD, laziness, and depression. Suicide isn't even an option; I wish I could do it, but it feels like the most remote possibility in life.
No.306174
I wish smartphones never existed.
No.306175
I may have to give up video games, porn and internet social connections. There is something fucked up with my brain. I am addicted too easily to things. Anything pleasurable become an obsession that I have to do all day,every day until I get sick of it. Even after turning the pc off, the excitement from the dopamine and adrenaline keeps me up until 4 even 7 am. No sleep inducement techniques can help when my body is in an agitated state. It is tragic because I am having fun with them and I am happy when I play video games or engage in these hedonistic pleasure. Now I have to give up on what I have been doing my whole life for a more boring existence. I am a 27 years old NEET and this condition have ruined my life since I was a teenager. I think it's a form of ADHD but I don't hear a lot of similar experiences in online ADHD spheres. I need to move forward and learn to become functional or I have to kill myself. Well I have been telling myself this since more than ten years ago and I never move a step closer to being disciplined. Maybe writing this down here will help me commit but I have written down similar pledge on wizchan years ago too and I did fuck all. But this time for sure. I have to stop this addiction or I have to die.
No.306178
It's all a dream. It's not real. Nothing can touch me because I'm not really here. It's all nonsense and looping self-referential imagery. So I'll just watch the dream scenes float by my little walking windows and wait for it all to end. Pretty soon I'll wake up somewhere else, and it'll be like none of this ever happened, because it really didn't and is not happening.
No.306180
I have developed these voices which mock, insult and interrupt every thought and emotional state i have. I'm barely there anymore, it is like i'm a host for these vile voices. I also get these disgusting dreams every night. How is such a ridicilous disease even possible, fuck. I plan on hanging myself this month.
>>306166you don't need to apologise for posting, this thread is precisely for stuff like this
No.306181
>>306175Similar problem here. Had to give away my console to avoid playing too much without pleasure and such.
No.306182
Archive.today is banned on Wikipedia for references. It's the only tool to archive Instagram better thadn the others. Japanese Megalodon has a sign in banner covering the screen, Ghostarchive and Internet Archive don't archive it. What if these minority of links get erased? Of course, social media are not a credible source, but if it's official, it can be an exemption (at least in other Wikipedia editions). The ban is local, Facebook also archives only there (if you know how, but no videos, not all comments and photos of a post). Compromised trust, shady views and origin or not, but for these minority cases it's like shooting yourself in a foot. WikiTravel user had beef with Archive.today founder, wikipedians make a shitfest over it, someone didn't get a good or featured article status, mentioned it briefly, and bullet point on wrestling themes and moves got deleted or changed into prose which is hard on the eye. Someone is a just retarded exclusionist and all announcers got deleted due to wikiproject decision (not just temporary or guest announcers, everyone, although in some articles it remains). The WikiTravel claim is something I didn't verified yet though. You reach the bottom only to find out it's not a bottom yet.
No.306183
>>306165I remembered how cat's owner was saying that Martyn had sick kidneys and his mother had said she would throw cat away outside in the cold for pissing or something. He said "Are you insane? If you do that, I'mma throw you outside instead". He was very emotional about it. I think my mother told me about it. However, she doesn't remember it now. It may be a fake memory but I'm sure it's not. Once he died, she threw away Martyn and he died from the cold.
It reminded me how drunk Jake Roberts put his python or whoever to the trunk and it freezed to death in winter. Not that being drunk with a history of being raped in Jack's case is an excuse for such animal abuse.
No.306184
The amount of things necessary to allow just one single human to have a decent life is absolutely insane
The living space, the food, the transportation, clothes, garbage, technology, etc…this planet really has no future
No.306185
>>306184wouldn't be an issue if i wasn't surrounded by psychopaths
No.306186
>>306184And it's all progressed to isolate you and put you in debt instead of your happiness.
No.306188
Father got diagnosed with an abnormal growth with possibility of malignant cancer. Yet the only thing stressing me out is how it'd affect my NEET life. If my dad become bedridden or something I'd have to wageslave. The guilt of NEETing (without bux) would be too much then. I told myself I'd suicide if I have to work but it suddenly seems too evil for my family now. I really am tired of life. Can't believe most humans don't have to deal with a problem like this. I am looking at 30 years of self-sacrifice, not even to make my family happy, but just to make their existence less miserable. It'd be more merciful if a giant meteor obliterate us all at once.
No.306189
>>306175I'll share some of my experience too if it's too long feel free to ignore. I often use these threads to just vent.
I'm 30, my computer has been my safe haven to cope my life away since I was 8 or so.
Before that, and in school even after I was just daydreaming away all day.
One of my biggest regrets is getting into league of legends during season 2 up until I finally quit much later on.
I spent well over 10k hours just playing (on my first account…), not to mention consuming content surrounding the game.
I was living and breathing it. I got the high ranks and whatnot, but for what?
I ruined my body permanently, I spent my "golden years", my youth on it and similar frivolous pursuits.
I did the whole welcome-to-the-nhk journey of pretending I'm going to college and coming up with a billion excuses for 8 FUCKING YEARS before I was forced out of neetdom.
Of course I have no skills or degree.
Basically spent my life daydreaming, cheap dopamine on the computer be it scrolling through thousands of chapters, or vidya and of course jerking off.
I regret it, I genuinely have some kind of ptsd reaction whenever league is mentioned. Reminds me that my life has been spent.
I also get easily addicted, it kinda runs in my family too. They are all hooked on some pills or alcohol/cigarettes etc.
For me it was energy drinks, like 2-3 cans a day for 20 years. Imagine the results… Only recently kicked the habit because my body forced me.
Maybe there is something magical about turning 30 after all.
Lately I was planning to hoard gooner material before the big internet lockdowns since I got like 30k bookmarks, but I haven't acted on it.
Somehow after every jerk off session I just feel like this shit doesn't do that much for me anymore, even though I've gone down the slippery slope of dragon chasing.
I feel the same about video games. It's just more effort to learn a new game than the non-existent joy I get out of it.
So maybe just give it another 2-3 years and you'll slowly get to this point as well.
Now this dissatisfaction could be your end too. If you are inclined to off yourself without the cheap pleasures to cope with.
I'm not saying I'm turning my life around, but I'm slowly doing more. The inaction is becoming more painful than taking action even if it's just minor shit like cleaning things up a bit, personal hygiene, small health stuff or just non fast-food style entertainment like some IRL hobbies.
Normies are somewhat right and these tiny steps do compound and things get easier, things get more satisfying too.
So why did all of this happen? Shit life.
Normies are motivated and rewarded by their biology, for us this just isn't the deck of cards we are spawned with. While I'm fine with it, life isn't meant to be spent on nothing either.
It's hard enough for those born normal to find enough meaning not to off themselves, let alone those who have none of the standard attachments in life.
I'm envious of wizards that have it all together, decent enough career to be independent, took care of their health, they have the ability to read long books and educate themselves, they have real curiosity and drive in them.
I often see those posts too.
So not all people fall into traps like I did that is clear as day. One could say this is just a personal failing of mine and I guess that is true too.
I'm curious though, do you still get real enjoyment out of games? Do you still have the ability to play one game after the other and look forward to the next one?
Are you staying up because it really is that enjoyable or did it turn into some sort of mask for the midnight depression spirals? Like you do it just to maintain a baseline or something?
Do you still jerk off because you are horny all the time and seek the pleasure or is it just something to do out of boredom, like some form of sedation?
I'm rather jealous if you still get the same feel-good-rewards from your brain at your age. Maybe I'm just burnt out and projecting.
No.306191
>>306188If you never worked you may be eligible for disability and your father too due to the tumor, I know it's not much but becoming a slave would just make your life hellish.
No.306192
birthday in 2 days time, hitting a milestone age of 30 and will be harshly attacked for my lack of accomplishments despite the fact I'm one of the few in the whole family who has held down a job. Simply they just want me to have kids, I'm an only child so the pressure is on me, though it wont happen obviously. My grandma is senile now, she think's i'm turning 50 or 60 and asks where my kids are every time she visits or calls. Parents are boomering it up asking me the same whilst blowing the house money on gambling every week + paying 30 dollars PER PIZZA at the supermarket, which is just grated cheese and 4 slices of peperoni, I think they are the only customers who buy that…
No.306194
It's getting warmer and now everything is ruined and infected with normalfags running the streets. AHHHHHHHH
No.306195
>>306189>I'm curious though, do you still get real enjoyment out of games? Do you still have the ability to play one game after the other and look forward to the next one?I think I do actually at least for now. I often have the same problems of being anhedonic and not having the motivation to even play games or watch stuff which ended with me just doomscrolling or while youtube plays in the background. Usually last for a long period of time, then one day when my motivation is a little bit higher than usual, I start a game, got my first dopamine hit unexpectedly and ended up being addicted until I got burnt out or force myself to stop or it slowly fizzles out.
>Are you staying up because it really is that enjoyable or did it turn into some sort of mask for the midnight depression spirals? Like you do it just to maintain a baseline or something?It depends. Back when I made that post I was really enjoying my game and wanted to see more of it. A lot of times it was just me not being able to keep away from doomscrolling my phone or something even though it feels terrible because having my dopamine got cut off feels even worse. Not touching my phone won't help me sleep either if I am too excited and I'd just lay down for 4-6 hours.
>Do you still jerk off because you are horny all the time and seek the pleasure or is it just something to do out of boredom, like some form of sedation?Same with games. It's very inconsistent. Even my fetish has started to change too. Whereas I'd fap nothing but x everyday in the past, I cycle between different fetishes now depending on my mood. Though I'd say rather the actual act of masturbation, I am more addicted to the act of collecting porn. Dopamine is released in the anticipation of reward rather than when you obtain the reward after all. So hoarding porn I'll never fap to but while imagining the pleasure I'll get fapping to it is more pleasurable than masturbation.
>I'm rather jealous if you still get the same feel-good-rewards from your brain at your age.I don't have much control over how I feel so I don't know what actually cause me to enjoy or not enjoy something. One thing I've noticed helping is enjoying things for what it is. For example, I've had some fun playing chess against bot opponents and getting my ass handed over to me in low difficulty due to stupid mistakes (think moving my queen right into an enemy piece's path because I wasn't paying attention). In the past I would cringe from the idea that I might be stupid and stop playing to save my ego. But accepting that losing and being stupid is okay, I am actually having fun. Same with tactical video games. I don't know what the lesson is here. Maybe don't take things seriously?
No.306196
>>306195Thanks for taking your time to respond.
I relate to two major points here, the hoarding aspect, the "hunt" really does give more dopamine than jerking off for me as well.
Your point about not taking things seriously is something I also concluded for myself, just failed to implement.
I'd research stuff like builds and classes forever to find the optimal path to enjoying something instead of playing. Then I'd never play.
I have pathfinder wrath downloaded for well over a year now like this.
I really should just boot things up and play, enjoy things for what they are as you say. I wish I wasn't stuck in these neurotic loops when it comes to simple decisions.
No.306197
>>306196>I'd research stuff like builds and classes forever to find the optimal path to enjoying something instead of playing. Then I'd never play.Huh, now I realize the reason keep remaking new characters in RPG games like Skyrim because the anticipation of a new playthrough gives more dopamine than actually playing. Funny thing is that I've actually had a few saves where I played and progress a lot because I was running around finishing quests after quests but I enjoyed those playthrough less then when I made new level 1 characters dropped into random locations and just walked around looking at things.
No.306203
Feeling like filling a void. But not hungry.
No.306204
Two birds in the sky. Synchronised movements - now gliding, now flapping their wings - and directional changes all as if coordinated. Does such harmony bring them pleasure? For some reason this reminded me of the ancient Greeks: development of the body. And a sense that these creatures are even more ancient and noble. They represent a civilisation and culture far predating ours. How many millions of years older? Then an odd pair on the roof of a building - each apparently a different species, from colour and build. One bobbing its head at the other as if commenting on the activity below. And I, this inferior breed. Grounded. Can't endure cold nor heat. If from the same source, surely an aberration. If not, why am I here? Dream imagery; no need to look too deeply for a reason. Perhaps just to show the possibilities. It all seems so distant, spiralling higher and farther away. I remain ever rooted by the great magnet Earth. Would rather like to wake up now.
No.306206
I don't have social anxiety but I feel exsitential dread every time I leave my flat and see youngsters. It's not even the couples that kill me inside, but loud boys who scream and laugh and walk in fucking packs like they own the town.
Oh, to be young again. But what am I saying, I lived the same sad life even when I was young.
I guess I envy them because they didn't waste their youth, unlike me. I spent every free minute in front of a computer screen, hidden from all the worries of the world. It was my one and only safe haven.
And then there are them… I wish I was like them during my teens. Loud and laughing and not afraid to make noise and be seen and having friends. Fuck teen love pill. Teen comradeship pill is the most bitter.
I'll never have it again, only years of wageslavery before me and sad gaming to drow my sorrows behind me.
The worst thing is that all my cherished memories are related to my computer screen. I never made real life memories, not in the way those youths did.
But then again, should I envy them? I don't know. I really don't know, man.
No.306207
Some normies are genuinely happy huh? I don't want to let it end like this. Just appeal to spirituality to cope with suffering. Live your entire life unhappy saying it's the original sin or dukkha spouting shit like miserere nobis or emptiness is form. I want to give in to my passion and be happy. I want an anime climax ending. I want a catharsis. Some normies have happy lives like they come from a health insurance commercial and I am supposed to accept my lot in life? Chop wood carry water my ass. I can only do breathing exercises for so long.
No.306211
>>306210I always ask money to my grandpa, he is my credit card
No.306212
>>306204nice
>>306210the most absurd thing to me about the worsening of the world is that it is self-inflicted
humanity is just a cringy teenage boy cutting itself ad infinitum
No.306213
>>306210>given the trajectory of the world as of today, March 8thMy inhibitions are getting lower and lower and I'm doing a lot of stuff on impulse I wouldn't normally do.
The feeling of an inevitable demise is getting stronger and stronger.
The only difference between me and some dude getting drone exploded right now is a hundred or so miles and basically dumb luck.
There is just no way the big bads are letting us all live in this post-AI world.
No.306214
>>306213we're all gonna die wiz we're all gonna die please help i don't know what to do wiz we're gonna die do you hear me? diiiiiieeeeeeee *sound of crying intensifies*
i totally get you, if i had a dollar to spare i'd just go ahead and do some crazy shit as it is i can barely afford to leave my room which is ironic since going outside is usually regarded as the way to improve your financial situation.
No.306218
>>306214Location matters a lot. I could leave my home, but then have to walk for an hour or two to get anywhere not completely dead.
Without a car getting a job is a serious uphill battle unless you spawned in the middle of a city.
Getting a car and maintaining it is so expensive it makes one question spending all that time working earning money just to keep sustaining yourself and your ability to keep working.
Idk if that last part made any sense.
I sure as hell don't see cows and sheep working their asses off just to be turned into meat for example. Why am I the only type of cattle that has to suffer for the privilege?
Hope that is more clear.
Fuck this.
No.306220
I'll never become who I wanted to be. A hard fact to realize.
No.306221
>>306220Who did you want to be? I don't really remember having a clear vision of my future self as a kid.
No.306222
>>306221A respected musician and person. Not famous. Not wealthy. Respected… Probably sounds silly. Chronic illness makes this dream very blurry.
No.306242
>>306220>A hard fact to realizetakes twenties to get used to it
No.306256
>>306218I think thinking of yourself and human beings as cattle is destructive. This modern model of just getting a job and living month to month is anti-human and I don't see why society imposes this on itself. I don't get why the suicide rate isn't like 20 percent.
>>306222Sounds nice. It's sad how sickness can suddenly rob you from your life.
No.306274
>>306270>I don't have money for hobbies like vidya either.wiz 400-500 bux to get some laptop and then just play good old games forever. don't need good hardware for them
>400-500 bux!?i'm talking about new. though with these ram prices… lol idk actually. anyway cheap e-waste should be fine. just make sure it's amd because intel gpus are fucking trash
No.306281
>>306241This sounds like absolute torture. I hear these disgusting voices literally every moment all day interrupting every single thought I have but I can still brush my teeth and go for walks. I'm hanging myself soon. I wish you good luck whatever it is you want, getting better or ending it.
No.306283
>>306277You can buy a refurbished ThinkPad and make some upgrades to your liking, or buy one that was already upgraded. They don't exceed 100-200$ in price and you can run simple indie games on them. Or, you can buy a cheap tablet and a controller and play emulated PS1 games on that tablet.
I don't recommend a phone for gaming, since most good games require a decent phone, but maybe you can buy some Chinese gaming phone like Nubia.
No.306284
>>306281They're evil beings, some kind of external parasite entity. Nobody really believes me (Why would they? It just sounds like insane mentally ill ramblings). I wish I had advice. Antipsychotics don't do shit for me, in fact they made me a lot worse with no help with the voices.
I hope you get better anon. I wish I had advice. I wish I could understand this disease. Oh well, Life is fucking shit and if you get unlucky you have no chance of happiness. I talk to other people with this problem and everyone is lost and paranoid. It's horrible.
No.306303
>>306284dip in a ice bath and see what happens
No.306306
I'm gonna die soon, and I dont know what to do before
Maybe there are things on my hard drive the world wants to see, I always wanted to publish my diaries and personal conversations as an archive as an artistic experience. But i'm not that much of an interesting human being. what would you do wizs? what would you do before ending your life? write a letter or just leave like that?
No.306307
>>306306idk i'd probably meltdown non stop for several days and maybe publish whatever files i accumulated over my few years of life. though i highly relate about not having anything worth publishing lol. i hope you're not suffering some illness and your situation improves and you keep living and posting on wizchan
No.306310
>>306307I have already made the choice I will not live more years with brain damage, i'm glad I got to post on this site for a while at least. I feel I need to do more but I have little williness to do so, it's kind of a shame.
No.306311
>>306310dont be sad be happy
No.306312
>>306311thank you for the generic advice I've heard hundreds of times
No.306317
I'm working towards removing everything from my phone and then I'll throw it away, phones are demonic
No.306320
>>306276I've had the same feeling multiple times, some family members died when I was young and expected to feel more but it never happened. I can't explain why because I don't understand myself, maybe some of us just accept death for what it is. You just move on and leave it at that
No.306324
it's bad wizbros. just bad.
No.306325
>>306324Well, it could be worse, wizzie.
No.306326
>>306325used to be worse. now i'm just a broken nobody who can't do shit.
No.306327
Wasn't able make a thread so posting here, fuck it.
Are you emotionally immature, wiz?
I remember I underwent a psych evaluation and they basically told me I'm a teenager stuck in a body of a grown ass man. Does it resonate with you? Like you stuck in your teenage years?
I'm easily annoyed and give up easily, additionally I just withdraw or throw a tantrum (figuratively speaking, of course) if things don't go my way. And damn, if I don't feel extreme envy when things are not about me.
Here are a list I've found on r*ddit of all places:
>Avoids accountability Blames others, external situations, or makes excuses rather than acknowledging personal responsibility.
>Poor emotional regulation Reacts explosively to small triggers, sulks, or withdraws instead of expressing feelings clearly.
>Defensive when criticised Cannot tolerate feedback without becoming angry, dismissive, or self-victimising.
>Difficulty empathising Struggles to understand or care about how their actions affect others, even when explained.
>Seeks immediate gratification Acts impulsively, prioritising short-term desires over long-term well-being or relationship health.
>Uses manipulation tactics Guilt-tripping, silent treatment, passive aggression, or playing the victim to control situations.
>Avoids difficult conversations Prefers to ghost, stonewall, or shut down rather than communicate openly.
>Sees relationships as transactional Only invests when they get something back, viewing love or care as currency.
>Struggles with boundaries Either imposes rigid rules on others or ignores boundaries entirely.
>External locus of control Believes life “happens to them,” lacking agency or responsibility over choices.
How much of that stuff resonates with you?
Frankly, some of the stuff on that list is abit dismissive. For example, "live happening to you." Does it not? Sometimes you can do everything right and still get the short end of the stick. Like, yeah, sometimes shit things happen to you and there is nothing you can do about it.
Another one are transactional relationships. Isn't that one true though? When I went to therapy, every therapist told me relationships are transactional and have a give and take dynamic to them. Well, what now?
Anyway, what's your opinion? Especially on emotional intelligence. Do you think EQ as legit as people say? Or is it a myth propagated by succs to make themselves look smarter?
Frankly, it's a bit like a punch in the gut to look real hard in the mirror so to say, and realize that you are really a little immature narcissist who has arrested development. But it's true in my case, I guess? But then again, who has right to say who is more mature and who isn't? I'm a working man, I make my own money, damn it! Isn't it adulting enough? How emotionally mature should one get to not be considered a manchild?
Well, what does it mean to you, wizard?
No.306328
>>306327>Are you emotionally immature, wiz?No idea what that means, but I guess comparing myself to others, I am mentally around 15-17 years old.
>Does it resonate with you?No. Nothing resonates with me any longer. I feel only pain and my life consists only of different kinds of triggers.
>I'm easily annoyedYeah and?
>give up easilyYeah and?
>muh this or thatYeah and?
>Here are a list I've found on r*ddit of all placesBullshit mostly.
>Avoids accountabilitySmart people do it too, because it's not respecting yourself to acknowledge any responsibility to the cattle.
>Poor emotional regulationLooks ok to me. "Expressing feelings clearly" sounds like throwing a r*edditor tantrum, which is fucking annoying.
>DefensiveLooks ok to me.
>Difficulty empathisingIt's normal to not give a shit about the cattle. Caring about them is not caring about yourself. I learned it from smart/successful people.
>Seeks immediate gratificationWhat else remains? There are no long term goals I could achieve that I care about.
>Uses manipulation tacticsThe listed manipulation tactics are basically kindergarten-tier.
>Avoids difficult conversationsBecause talking to retards is not respecting yourself. There's no reason to engage in difficult conversations if you don't lose anything by avoiding them.
>Sees relationships as transactionalIt's not possible to establish any long term relationships with the scum of human beings. A bit unwizardly but I kinda get it why in ancient times it was ok to just rape a succubus and force her to be your wife, then enslave a bunch of guys by sheer force and make them treat you with respect on the point of a sword. This macabre kill-or-be-killed is the only form of relationships possible between hairless two legged monkeys that are currently raping Earth.
>Struggles with boundariesThat's right, get the fuck out of my life.
>External locus of controlThis is the absolute state of life. I can't care to do shit and I can't force my brain to care when all I get for it is rape. The only choice you have is which food to buy and which job to wage on.
>How much of that stuff resonates with you?Nothing. I could piss on all of it any day.
>and realize that you are really a little immature narcissist who has arrested developmentThis is not true. You just happened to be a misfit in this day and age, so the society raped you the fuck out of itself. Now your brain is just desperate to find a cope when there isn't any. In another day and age you could have been just fine the way you are.
>How emotionally mature should one get to not be considered a manchild?Killing them while smiling and looking down on them with pitch black soulless eyes, twining their guts around your hands while they're still alive and writhe in this abhorrent agony. This is the only thing that makes them take you seriously. Dominance. There is no other language this scum understands.
This is basically why I am so bitter. I stand and the very bottom of this food chain. Being a wizard is the only cope I have left, but it doesn't give me tools to protect myself from this hellish planet of bloodsuckers.
No.306329
I stand at*
Sorry my brain is completely melted today.
No.306332
That ugly thing
Crouching on the chair
Clutches close yellowed skin
And greying hair
And sighs:
In pallid light of soul's waning flame,
Off bone candle-waxing flesh drains;
Brains and guts alike rejoin the shit they spawned:
Ceaseless floods of waste nourish the fronds,
Which also never die
No.306333
I need to do lsd
No.306334
>>306284thank you. the voices constantly hurl abuse, and try to manipulate me by mimicking my thoughts. I really can not do this anymore
No.306335
>>306327I consider myself as a manchild in some ways. It is clear that I am somewhat stunted physically as well, but I don't think most of the listed things apply to me for the reasons whatever normie psych thinks they would.
Not to the extent it describes at the very least. I'm not overtly emotional in the way described (I'm generally deadpan), but I do think a lot of my decision making is based on whims.
I tend to over-analyze, get paralyzed because in this world such a thing as optimal doesn't really exist if you think about it long enough, and then after a long long time I get a burst of energy/frustration and take action in some direction.
>External locus of control Believes life “happens to them,” lacking agency or responsibility over choices.This though for sure. I'm a big determinism believer and have made many posts using a galton board as an analogy to that.
>Avoids difficult conversations Prefers to ghost, stonewall, or shut down rather than communicate openly.Another thing that you develop once you realize that people have no desire to engage in good faith about anything.
I don't care for politics etc. I have no skin in the game as the "dead end" of my family tree branch anyways, yet people are always super hostile if you don't just nod along in.
If you give your perspective, further gaslighting or dismissals based on some trait you have idk.
>Struggles with boundaries Either imposes rigid rules on others or ignores boundaries entirely.Yeah maybe to an extent. Mostly the second part. I gave up on dealing with any of it and I have zero expectations for people, but I hold myself to a strict set of them.
Again developed due to experience, I know people care a lot how they are treated, but give zero shits about how they treat others. So it's reasonable to not expect anything from others, while acting in a manner not to offend.
>Avoids accountability Blames others, external situations, or makes excuses rather than acknowledging personal responsibility.This is also true externally. I take a lot of responsibility at work whenever I make a mistake, but I also always make "excuses" in that, I justify WHY the mistake was made.
If I fuck up it's usually not out of tardiness or lack of care, it's either a lack of knowledge, ability or I simply wasn't given the tools to perform.
Making this clear is important to me, which usually comes off as some retard making excuses.
I always try to make it clear to normies that I 100% accept that I was at fault, but I need to be understood that it wasn't due to some moral failure on my part.
Therefore:
>Defensive when criticised Cannot tolerate feedback without becoming angry, dismissive, or self-victimising.This is true from an outsider view too. I often try to JUSTIFY myself because I feel like I'm constantly misunderstood.
But then again, I was limping and a doctor sent me to a psych for "pain syndrome", had to pay out of pocket for a private doctor to get an MRI to prove I had a herniated disc…
So is it a surprise that I'm constantly defending my viewpoint when even pain I clearly experience is denied?
I criticize myself much harsher than a normie ever would. It's just that the 99 times I've gone above and beyond is never noted while the 1 time I fuck up is treated as some great moral failure with a whole humiliation ritual attached.
Which again, punishment, blame, "talking to" all fine, as long as it's not put in a way that makes it look like it was some moral failing.
>Sees relationships as transactional Only invests when they get something back, viewing love or care as currency.I don't think I ever felt loved or felt love for anyone else. Mostly due to shit life circumstances.
Might be true, I always try to be the one to give more, because I assume normies keep track. (Life experience shows they actually do view things this way… so)
I "invest" without expectation though, because I have no expectations from others. For the best probably.
>Difficulty empathising Struggles to understand or care about how their actions affect others, even when explained.I understand. I often try to get out of the way of others sometimes at personal cost.
>Seeks immediate gratification Acts impulsively, prioritising short-term desires over long-term well-being or relationship health.Not for the gratification, but as describe, paralyzed by indecision and often unable to act even for my own self benefit (ie. go to a doctor when in pain) so the only times I do act is when I get the impulse.
TL:DR;
I feel fairly justified, but having written all this down I guess the trope fits. I just disagree with the presumed "why".
I believe normies live in a consensus reality, every unit beyond the self is some fairy tale that the masses have agreed to.
Society and all it's little aspects is like some warp entity made manifest that then in turn twists the normies further. It's like a bunch of monkey agreed to become fish, the world turned into an ocean and they in turn came to more deeply embody a school of said fish in self-reinforcing cycle.
EQ is a retarded cope in such a world. In nature, in reality, empathy is reserved for KIN, your kin, your family, or to an extent your tribe.
In an atomized world things can only be transactional.
A lot of the "be a man" "grow up" "be an adult" bullshit is the normie fish expecting you to throw yourself at the shark to save the shoal when you, atomized, have no skin in the game and they would never do the same for you.
It's just part of the mass delusions being forced on you like some cultists trying to give you some chaos god "blessing".
Go work overtime, pick up the slack of others, take another shift because Johnny needed to take their spawn to the doctor for the 10th time this month etc.
All of this is completely reasonable if it's done for kin.
Do you have any? People are just shaming us into a social contract that only ever benefits them.
>Frankly, it's a bit like a punch in the gut to look real hard in the mirror so to say, and realize that you are really a little immature narcissist who has arrested developmentAgain, fellow immature narcissist I guess… You have the symptoms, but you aren't diseased.
A lot of what is considered "adulting" or being a grown man is just molding yourself into a system you were never meant to function in.
As a wizard, having your own family to take care of, chasing sex, status etc. is just pointless.
Without the #1 imperative of reproduction why would people meaninglessly grind themselves down and adapt to the mass delusion of society normies manifested as I described?
There is simply no reason to.
If you make enough money to sustain yourself and whatever meaning and joy you can find in your life then that is more than any one of us here can hope for.
Which cattle aside from the human cattle is expected to provide for themselves, make themselves the fattest and most desirable, work themselves to death for the privilege of being slaughtered?
This whole post is longer than what is worth reading. Full of contradictions and pointless rants.
No.306336
>>306335Very good wizardly wizdom, wiz.
Really, this mature-immature dichotomy is just a way to filter out undesirables. When I skimmed through r*ddit to find this list, I've found a lot of comments from people who accused their parents/exes/bosses of being immature. Heck, I remember there was a book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. It's more of a way to point fingers and call other people immature because… Uh, because they are, okay!?
I also can't help but find that dichotomy similar to empath-narcissist one. People do like to accuse their parents/exes/whatever of having NPD traits, but really this point is moot in our highly individual society.
For example, take Instagram. It's really is a the vanity fair of 21st century. I decided to make an empty account to see what my schoolmates were up to these days. I was quite shocked to find that even the ugliest succubi in our class had thousands of photos of their stupid faces, their greasy food, their flabby tits out on a beach, every minuscule thing they did on full display. And it's a normal practice. In fact, I was considered abnormal for not having Instagram with a profile full of pictures of me doing random shit. If it isn't a society of rampant narcissism, what is it?
Then what is a pathological self-importance? I was accused of being a self-important know-it-all by my immediate family only because I don't like people that much. Apparently, there is an approved way of having an unwarranted self-importance which is celebrated in society, and a negative one. The negative one is considered "immature" and the approved one is "celebrating yourself and knowing your worth."
No.306337
>>306336>Apparently, there is an approved way of having an unwarranted self-importance which is celebrated in society, and a negative one. The negative one is considered "immature" and the approved one is "celebrating yourself and knowing your worth."Perfect summary.
>People do like to accuse Like on the list, shifting blame etc. It's fine if they do it in the "acceptable" way.
The book you mention, the title alone, putting the blame on the individual, be it parent or child instead of calling out the greater causes.
A broken system, because it's easier to blame the homeless bum since tackling the grand delusion of society is akin to fighting god.
They can feel good about themselves since everything they got must have been earned, everything someone else suffers must have been deserved.
No.306338
I just don't have anything to look forward to.
I'll never be happy.
No.306340
Just want to share my three cents to the topic of emotional maturity and emotional neglecting parenthood rising up in /dep/ recently. I thought about this time and time again in the past whether I'm affected by it, if I'm a victim of neglecting parents, if this made me who I am, if I suffered from it and if it negatively influenced and hindered my personal development. And a few times I concluded that this must be the case and that even if I can't blame my parents or not even make them responsible for living in a purely random or deterministic universe (which from a practical point of view is the same) I now have a reason to not care about them anymore and dislike them. Well it turns out that these kind of conclusions and the thinking about these topics in general mostly was caused by literature regarding these topics, Reddit tier posts or youtube and social media gurus and influencers who want attention, and overlapping of feministic-psychiatric-therapeutic centred views which are destined to make a human spirit mentally ill as they interpret everything in a way that makes you ill and others responsible for your shortcomings, so as a reaction they can take your money and time to 'heal' you from this phantom pain.
In short I realised that there is absolutely no value to give in into this frame of emotional immaturity caused by other people. It's completely pointless and doesn't solve anything. If you want to seclude from your parents, that's fine; if you want to keep contact with them, that's fine, but don't waste time questioning your emotional capabilities. I think one has to find some kind of a attitude to go with the flow regarding emotions. The concept of maturity really is very important I think but it's not primarily emotional maturity which seems to be a rigged and harmful concept producing humans that are not okay with how they are. Maturity should rather be a general attitude of personal detachment from practical and social nuisances by realising that it never ends and trying to stay calm. We are never finished. It's not like well I finished school, finished uni, have a job, now I'm done, why the fuck am I still not happy yet and don't feel like I achieved anything? Instead it's a never ending process of dealing with what you are surrounded with, the objects, the people, the thoughts and emotions, the inner and outer world.
No.306341
>>306340Yeah at the end of the day endless analysis and debating causes isn't that useful. Only to the extent where it can help free oneself of self imposed shackles of (self)blame.
I too could blame my parents for a lot, quite rightly, but I've since listened to both their life stories and they too had harrowing experiences that shaped their person, their actions and reactions.
As you said, I decided to cut contact with one parent, and only have moderate interactions with the rest of the family. Endlessly dwelling and going back and forth is a waste, but "fixing" things isn't something worth pursuing in my life.
I don't know if this was part of the point you are making, but emotional maturity is a lot less important in my eyes as well compared to "maturity" of general ability if that makes any sense. The more things I'm able to handle IRL, the calmer I feel in general and the better I feel about life.
I have no appreciation towards stoicism, but the older I get the more reasonable part of it seems.
Emotions are fine, experiencing them as they come is fine, but I really need to keep working on ways to return to a baseline calmness once said emotions are processed.
I hope I'm getting my thoughts across on the last part. I just mean emotions need not be dug up over and over if a memory pops up again.
People get hung up on this with nostalgia too I feel, like trying to or digging up positive emotions instead of making and experiencing new ones.
A lot of depression is just an "evil" version of nostalgia where one, or where I can not let go without some magical, dreamed up and desired closure. A lot of bad experiences will never have a moment of catharsis and will never get neatly packaged and tucked away. One needs to grow beyond it I guess.
Would this align with your understanding of maturity here too?
Sorry if I completely derailed what you were trying to say. I just felt like writing down the thoughts your post sparked.
No.306343
>>306340it makes sense to question yourself so you can figure stuff out over the years. what doesn't make sense is trying to fit your mind into the jewish rape frame that, as you said, always makes you seem mentally ill in comparison to their nonexistent reference. this is basically reinvented christianity lol.
No.306345
>>306338Yup. Was given the advice randomly to make longterm goals by a doctor, at length…
That is probably what I really need.
But I just don't have anything like that. I tried to come up with random stuff and force it, but nothing. No real desire or drive.
Wish I had some autistic obsession like so many others do.
No.306346
>>306340I gave it some thought, and really, I think parenting is not the cause. I think blaming everything on formative years, what experiences you've had, or which you didn't have, and so on. It's quite a neurotic way to look at life, and quite honestly, a faulty one.
You can have a perfect childhood and turn out a weird shut in, or you could endure abuse and neglect and still be able to fit in in the neatly placed boxes enforced by society.
Abuse and neglect, at their core, don't make sense and they are quite modern inventions. There is some truth to it, of course, I don't deny it. Beat a dog every day and the dog will turn out in a scared, shivering mess. Same with humans.
But! What makes it so ones can live through one minor trauma and get PTSD, while others can go through literal war zones and turn out fine? Modern psychiatry gives an explanation that the difference are expectations. If one is used to life of hunger, poverty and violence, more violence would hardly traumatize him. Meanwhile, if a secure person experiences grieve betrayal from the closest ones, he will be traumatized. Which is a weird way to look at things.
But it doesn't explain how some people can fit the society's norms and others act barely human. Maybe it's all genetics then? It might be so.
No.306348
>>306346Your genetics and how the machine they produce react to your environment, be it the literal material one or the people and experiences you have throughout time.
You have a default build and then slowly change and adapt.
Each adaptation then influences how you react to the next thing and then the next and so on.
Some things are called maladaptive for a reason. Only the extremely dumb normies are shocked if a beaten abused dog snarls or bites at a helping hand.
Suffering too is relative. This is why I don't outright dismiss "first world problems".
To some guy figuratively stubbing his toe might just be his equivalent of absolute misery while to you it's a non-factor.
Like a wizard wouldn't be pained by crab bullshit, but to the crustacean a dry pp is indeed a hellish existence.
Little metal ball goes tick-tock against the wooden pegs in the galton board.
No.306356
hatred feeds hatred. pain multiples pain. this spiral permits no escape. "good" feelings exhaust themselves on their own, but hatred needs no source, it exists implicitly, waiting just there is the shadow. there is no escape. i'm going to meditate on suicide again.
No.306357
>>306348have you ever lost your thoughtfulness
into a cloud of hazy memories?
>>306356i sometimes meditate on losing ones mind
what it's like to lack intelligence
or to lack awareness
what is really going on in the mind of a dog or a pig?
We just project our own perspective and try to imagine shrinking it down… but it's impossible to truly comprehend, the mind of a fly… unless you are a fly…
but so many of my own thoughts often fly away, caught in a web of fatal atrtaction…
it's inevitable, i'm losing my mind…
No.306358
>>306357>have you ever lost your thoughtfulness>into a cloud of hazy memories?I don't know what you mean. If you clarify I'm more than willing to engage as I've nothing better to do.
I often feel like a soulless NPC the more I reflect on my actions and behavior patterns, lack of desire, aspiration etc.
No.306364
>>306357>i sometimes meditate on losing ones mindi needn't bother 'cause i've already lost mine. nihilism shattered me into digestible pieces, not hatred, rage and pain are making a porridge from the remains.
the only wish i have left is to fucking kill, murder with utter inhuman violence, to see them lose their voice screaming in agony. but a loser like me can't harm anyone.
i guess the my conclude in somewhat this way, i'll write some revenge healer tier power fantasy then hang myself like a sexually confused soyboy. everybody's gonna have a laff and then it'll be over.
i'm so fucking angry
No.306365
>>306364>digestible pieces, notnow
>i guess the my concludei guess my life will conclude
belated proofreedin
No.306367
i've been lying on the floor for 3 hours, head completely empty. not even doom scrolling.
No.306368
>>306367I noticed in the past years since I lost my NEETdom I started to not even scroll or watch anything, but often just stare at nothing in particular for long stretches of time.
I used to be a "maladaptive" daydreamer, but my fantasies went from vivid to grey to nothing as well.
>head completely emptyAt least that is an upside for the most part, is it not?
No.306369
>>306368yeah. i sometimes have dreams that are more vivid than reality. they're like nails in the coffin. had just one today. felt so much real than life i'm still completely befuddled.
No.306370
>>306369Can definitely relate to that too. Sometimes I still have insanely vivid dreams where I wake up and I'm shocked by the contrast of my reality.
At least it reminds me that the spark is not fully gone yet.
No.306371
>>306370>At least it reminds me that the spark is not fully gone yet.this is so very relatable
No.306378
Had a nightmare where I was trapped in a room full of huge worms. I tried to avoid stepping on them but I couldn't as the entire room was filled. I couldn't stop feeling them with my feet and underlegs. So gross.
No.306387
>>30638630, mom still cooks, washes my clothes and pays the bills.
No.306390
>>306386Probably a lot of people here. Me included. But you should not worry since most of the basic stuff is pretty easy to do. I spent 24 years doing nothing by myself (Mom even went with me to pick up groceries around the corner). But i finally moved away october last year and had no other choice but to learn. I am pretty stupid, but was surprised at how fast it was for me to learn how to do the basics (laundry, food, cleaning, subway travelling, etc.) 1 month max I could do all that by myself with no help and minimum effort and anxiety. Most sheltered people should be fine I think. If you have the option you should milk it for all its convenience. Enjoy your parents while they're around. I read about parents that throw their kids out when they become legal adults and I feel pretty lucky in that regard.
No.306391
Hadn't it been for my iniative I'd still have my ass wipped after a shit and spoon-fed.
Some things I still don't have the know-how, though.
No.306392
>>306386It's not the lack of knowledge that hold overprotected kids back. The knowledge can be learnt. What hurts us is the anxiety and self-doubt everytime we had to step out of what we are used to and in my case, depression and avolition that makes me feel too tired to try. A sheltered but highly motivated, resilient person can adjust easily.
No.306394
A few days ago a forum I have been lurking for 12 years shut down. The whole time I lurked while watching people form friendships and lift eachother up. Even though I hardly posted at all, I felt like I knew them. Multiple times I wanted to join in but always stopped myself, I'm not really sure why. I don't understand myself or why I do things, I never intended to be a NEET but now I am one. The site has died but I will still be here confused, and just being an observer of my own life and those around me
No.306395
>>306394It's enviable to me when someone says they grew up in forums or chatrooms and can tell you about the interesting history and memes there. The first time I found a forum I was interested in as a kid I just lurked and never participated. After growing up I still barely participate in the stuff everybody in the chans were doing. I didn't consume the essential media. I didn't take part in the dramas. I browsed the same site as everybody else for just as long but I was never one of them.
No.306396
>>306394At least you got the memories of better times online. It's something.
I also regret never really contributing.
For some reason I have no issue writing insanely long word vomit posts here that nobody reads, but on sites with names attached I always super self moderated.
Usually typed out my thoughts and deleted it midway thinking "who cares what I have to say anyways".
Insecurity and shame stopped me from ever enjoying my life, youth etc.
I had my reasons sure, but eventually the reasons were insecurity from the past, trying to prevent further embarrassment or full on pariah status, so I left voluntarily in most situations or refused participation to prevent rejection.
This really shaped who I turned out to be.
I regret not participating on the early 2000s internet, I could have been creating stuff too, sharing stuff. I was always there.
I always had the opportunity. I always had the idea, dreaming of doing stuff, but never did.
I regret my inaction and withdrawal from life because there are never going to be opportunities like those ever again.
I'll never be young again. Fuck being 30+. A middle aged man. Mirrors are quite harrowing.
>just being an observer of my own life and those around meI wonder how many wizards end up like this too. People like us escaped to the internet, but I feel like this trend of voyeurism is also likely really prevalent.
Social event, experiences, adventure, porn. All just watching others do such through a screen.
Hell you don't even need to play video games you could have just watched lets plays, those were popular too, though I preferred to play myself.
Did you only isolate yourself on this forum? I mean, ever had an online friend group or something that you were a tangible part of?
No.306398
Lucky for you, I guess. I couldn't belong even on imageboards, even though I tried my beest.
No.306399
Has anyone stepped aside from christianity?
No.306400
>>306399I did. I joined the Orthodox church when I was an adult on the advice of my religious dad. I was in a bad place then and thought God would help me.
I joined the Orthodox church since it's the most popular one in my country, but I was more drawn to Protestantism tbh.
Anyway, I left because I got really disappointed in it. I always doubted my faith and had a lot of questions that needed answering. My dad was very joyous to explain to me the basic rituals and customs, in fact he was beaming with happiness when he had a chance to explain to me which prayer to read in the morning and such.
But when it came to any question related to the dogma, both he and the priest got oddly defensive.
Either my dad or the priest, if I ask them something related to theology, they'd furrow their brows and got oddly defensive. Additionally, I tried reading the New Testament and I had some questions, but my priest just made an annoyed face and told me I'm being ridiculous and shouldn't read the canons, and just pray, pray, pray.
And it's like that with EVERYTHING. I once got confused on the purpose of prayer and asked around, since I didn't get why the prayer is important, if God is all-knowing and all that, he already knows what's on my mind and that I cherish Him every waking moment of my day. So, what's the purpose of prayer? Nooo, don't ask questions, your head will hurt!
I then decided to read the Bible on my own (I, in fact, never read the Bible before getting baptized) and was left even more confused, I guess that's why my priest discouraged me from reading it. I had so many questions, in fact, that my faith was gone.
I don't blame my priest, the parish people LOVED him and he was a good, patient and kind man. And I don't know what's other wizard's experiences were, but it was like that for me, and it wasn't for me. Unfortunately, I have a habit to ruminate on stuff and doubt myself, which led me to doubting my faith. It has nothing to do with the Bible or whatever, but how my brain just latched on every possibility to undermine my endeavours, even spiritual.
My dad said that sloth is the gravest of the deadly sins, and he is right. I'm slothful (as in, anxious and depressed) and it led me away from Christ.
I don't regret it, actually. Well, I made a fool of myself by getting baptized in the first place, but what's done is done.
I'm always happy when other anond and wizards get closer to God and join the church, it brings them purpose, but I myself, I guess I don't have a single religious bone in my body.
No.306401
>>306400I'm a Christian and if he really said you shouldn't read the New Testament something is really wrong.
Anyway if your faith is really gone maybe try to find peace and happiness in a different way. That is what this religion does to me.
>>306399I don't think atheists really can live on their own. I once took a look on the atheism subreddit and literally every post was bitching about Christianity in some way. No theories about evolution or simulation, just endless complaining about religion, which is what atheism really is about. (I'm not saying you are an atheist)
No.306406
>>306399I've always believed in my own gods. If a nigger in a white apron is entitled to conceiving deities, so am I. My gods are more fun, though.
Though I can't deny the christian influence on me.
No.306408
this is an old topic, but still. how the fuck can you believe in god in this world. are you nuts
No.306422
>>306396I'm sorry for not replying sooner, I used to have an internet friend group but just stopped going online after I couldn't shake the feeling I didn't belong. Social connection did not come naturally for me compared to everyone else and eventually it painful for myself. Nobody had conflict with me, it was just too much after struggling to speak every time. Most social interactions today are gated behind voice chat, I can't help but being reminded of who I am listening to myself.
>For some reason I have no issue writing insanely long word vomit posts here that nobody reads, but on sites with names attached I always super self moderated.It feels nice to hide behind anonymity. Even with an alias people form a perception of you, and eventually a reputation. Then it just feels like real life again.
No.306428
My dad was diagnosed with cancer. His insurance doesn't cover it. We'd have to wring out all the money from this household and more for treatment. I am a 27 years old NEET who never worked and have no skills. I don't know what to do now. I don't have any future. I never had any but I think before I had some faint dream of taking my time dealing with my mental issues or discovering my calling and I'd emerge as someone completely ready to face the world and find my happiness. But I ran out of time. There is no more hope for me or my family. We are just destined to be unhappy. The hell am I supposed to do now? I am supposed to get a job but I know that I just don't have it in me. The world is too painful for me. I can't face the world and I lost my refuge from the world. I deserved it too. My own dad got cancer and I can only think of myself. It really is over. Things getting better is a lie.
No.306430
>>306428this is only a beginning. get your shit ready for a storm, wizbro.
No.306431
You know what's one of the most prominent problems of being mentally ill? When something goes wrong, your anxiety triples as you vainly try to figure out if it's your fault, or theirs. How could I know? I have so little agency and my memory is so bad it's totally possible that I was the cause. Or maybe not, after all I'm not completely degenerate and more or less understand the causality of events. Fuck.
No.306432
>>306431I'm schizophrenic and when I try to think clearly about people's behavior these voices interrupt my thinking and try to make me believe delusions. like they claim they have manipulated other people's thoughts by hiding and subtly pretending to be their own thoughts, forming a hivemind. So sometimes I see someone doing something, I wonder why or how they are doing it, and the voices shout I AM DOING THIS. pure delusion ofcourse. this condition is hard to live with, it gets hard to think with these voices constantly interrupting me. i don't know what illness you have but the only way out is trying to gain some clarity
No.306433
>>306431>How could I know?Why should you care?
No.306434
>>306433there goes the way to domination. i shall never yield
No.306435
>>306431>You know what's one of the most prominent problems of being mentally ill?The biggest problem with being mentally ill is I have no initiative whatsoever. I can't start tasks. I just sit completely inert for hours doing nothing but thinking about doing things but never actually doing them. I tried drugs but they do nothing but make me jerk off for hours.
No.306436
Let's say I was dealt a blow like, figurately speaking, twice the impact I originally striked, that I had coming what I got, that I had already foreseen the consequences and still acted insolently on people that never did anything to me but whom are bastards and deserve to rot in hell for being a bunch of fucking edgelords/clout chasers (at least from my point of view).
Should I act upon and take revenge or "take it like a man" and move on? I could say it's petty nonsense but stills hurts my pride.
Of course, I would have to bid time and resources I don't have yet to pull something like this off, they live a thousand miles away but my senses tell me I would feel way more calmer.
Lesson here, I shouldn't have never tried to engage with people in the first place…
No.306445
can't feel anything, haven't in so long that I forgot how happiness and sadness feel like… I am an observer. I lost the ability to even try, and my illness is only getting worse
No.306446
I just realized that the computer game of my dream just doesn't exist.
No.306447
It's pretty blackpilling having several relatives that are successful in business and just seeing them favor actively hostile employees out of vibes while repetitively shitting on the hardworking ones they have a personal distaste for. I've sat down for lunch where they've just gossiped about their workers and it's just so arbitrary and petty. There's so many people I personally know that do nothing wrong that get hatred for being a bit different, and so many people actively hostile that get coddled. I can say for certain that that high school tier mentality never ends.
It's also staggering the amount of disproportionate nepotism that goes towards the succubi. They're instantly placed in office roles in their early twenties and pretty much flout doing actual work, have several cigarette breaks a day, and act like bratty siblings sabotaging the male relatives that are out in the field working. I'm not working for the family because I don't want to be part of that drama, but it's like 3x the amount of pay being funneled to the aunts and female cousins compared to my male relatives, and it's all the men being shat on despite doing 55 hours+ a week. And looking at other family businesses, it's the same gendered vibe. There's a form of Saturn devouring his son where men are treated like potential competition while succubi are harmless. In fact, many of these small businesses like having basically useless succubi on the payroll because the male ego likes to be patronized and worshipped by succubi dependent on him, it's like a luxury good. Many of these guys get in as teenagers, and they do get opportunity, but man do they pay for it with humiliation, insults and outright sabotage. By the time they're in their late twenties they come out jaded and just become distant from their relatives. Some end up cutting off entire portions of the family entirely.
Every second person I've known that has gone into business for himself has been a disagreeable annoying fuckwit that can't take orders, so he has no choice, or is someone so arrogant and domineering they don't mind working 70+ hours a week just to feel in control. Most of these people aren't even making much money relative to the effort and stress required, and end up socially alienated as you can't really socialize with your underlings. I feel like anyone normal that's intelligent just burrows away in some large corporation, carves out a niche, and lives a stress free life.
No.306448
All I do is listen to black metal.
No.306456
i'm feeling so horny it's killing me. fucking satanic
No.306457
>>306448Notice how while some pop shit/vocaloids/other pretentious shit gets a modicum of discussion even on imageboards, the discussion on real metal is dead even on metal archives. The few times somebody tried to stir real metal discussion on various boards I've visited, it never went anywhere. I wonder why.
No.306482
>>306448Have you given dungeon synth a try?
No.306485
How do you become okay with being below average in almost every metric? I thought I had surrendered to that truth but it keeps coming back and it always leads me to near-suicide. I can't even jerk off anymore for fuck's sake, I know who I'm looking at wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole.
No.306492
>>306448do you recommend any songs?
No.306495
>>306486It's okay to feel this way. These emotions are to be experienced. Don't try to solve them.
When I feel down, I lean into the feeling and allow myself to feel whatever misery. Sometimes I describe the feeling on paper and make characters out of it.
They're just emotions at the end of the day. Feeling them isn't the same as slavery to them, it just means you have a soul.
No.306496
>>306485You dont become okay. You endure it as a form of acceptance. Eventually, your mind will get tired of feeling miserable about it and will move onto happier things. After all, even if you're below average, the process itself is what matters, not how you show up to it.
No.306497
>>306496I've already moved on again, as you said. The question is how to stop it from coming back, maybe I don't know how to accept things.
No.306504
>>306485That's why you don't watch real actors, never. Make a break and then return only to none real material it will change your life.
No.306506
>>306485Accept the pain and despair.
No.306509
I don't even bother with trying things like hobbies or vidya anymore
even if something makes me "happy", that happiness is fleeting and eventually I'm back at the baseline where I curse everyone responsible for me being born.
all I crave is to go back to the unconscious void where I once belonged in, a void where there's no noise, no thoughts, nothing, not even myself.
being alive is so fucking exhausting man…
No.306513
>>306486>Existence was inflicted on me by parents that resented me. They couldn't bear their loneliness, so they passed on a life of torture and not ever belonging to their unwanted offspring.I was thinking about something similar recently, after reading a quote by Samuel Butler about reproduction: "Its base must be looked for not in the desire of the parents to reproduce but in the discontent of the germs with their surroundings inside those parents, and a desire on their part to have a separate maintenance."
I think he meant it rather differently, but it occurred to me that you could view reproduction as a build-up of "internal pressure" from certain impulses, which causes a desire to release that pressure, like one passes a stool. So, for example, a parent who hates himself "releases" the self-hatred as/into a child, and then, freed from the self-hatred, hates the child instead. This can explain why some parents can be so unsympathetic to children going through the same problems they went through themselves, or become irrationally angry over minor things the child does "wrong." They have actually externalised aspects of their own selves, which aspects develop into separate and conscious individuals. I do think this is a perversion of the natural process, because it seems like many people (and animals) don't experience this kind of familial relationship.
This is also more or less a premise of the Star Trek TNG episode "Skin of Evil." A race sheds their "evil" qualities to become perfect and beautiful, and what they shed is left behind as a sentient being, essentially the embodiment of qualities like loneliness, emptiness and rage. Interestingly, the writers decided to give the "skin" immortality, so it would suffer forever.
No.306514
Wizards won.
Society is falling apart just like what happened in Japan and Korea. Crabs are now just normal guys.
Be depressed, but don't ever tell yourself you're delusional or wrong. Wizards won.
>being right doesn't mean you won
yes it does. no i wont elaborate
No.306527
We can talk about mental issues, spirituality or socioeconomics but in the end what we need is an interest in life. Curiosity, excitement, wonder, inspiration. Anything that instills an anticipation of reward to keep our dopamine high as we wade through life's bullshit. If there's nothing to look forward to, there's only misery.
No.306529
>>306157All my tastes are acquired. Screw this dull, messed up world.
I wish I was born an Australopithecus.
No.306531
>>306527>Curiosity, excitement, wonder, inspiration. Anything that instills an anticipation of reward I've been trying to find this for 15 years. You could drop 15 billion dollars on my head and I'd just sit here staring at a screen all day. What is there to do? Nothing really. Just satisfying mindless curiosities or the constant buzz of news to wipe the mental dust away. It's so pointless
No.306533
>>306532>I will never change nor can i, nor i think want to change.Man I'm only turning 30 in a month, but this cuts deep.
When I was in my teens I already had this feeling that I would never change, but still held some delusional hope, that someday… surely.
Someday never came.
I eventually realized after countless attempts that I'm completely unable to change.
This was in my early-mid twenties.
Now I'm at the point where I'm starting to believe that I actually don't have the intention or desire to change.
Without that desire of course I never moved an inch.
I was just pretending I had certain dreams and wants because I absorbed those thoughts from the environment if that makes any sense. It was something I should want, not something I really cared for.
Fish desperate to climb a tree, but with no purpose or need to do so.
>I see through it, i see that you are alone in it all.Normies enjoy it because those connection mean security to them. I know at this point that even if I entertain the nonsense of such events I'll never gain anything.
Hell I might just get dragged into being tech support or whatever menial labor for free for someone I don't care about.
Once I need help of course nobody would care so why bother tolerating these interactions at all.. Hell they would delight in "ribbing", salting wounds etc.
No.306547
Why does life get worse and more mundane with age? It should be the other way around. Childhood should be boring and repetitive so that you have good times to look forward to. But instead you live out your best times, then you reach adulthood… And there is nothing to look forward to. It just makes no sense. There should be something like a grand prize for reaching old age. Instead your body weakens, you get chronic pain, and the excitement goes away. It only gets worse. Why would anyone want to continue living knowing this?
No.306549
>>306547Then some of us might realize that the supposed best years have been quite bleak and what is on horizon is only going to be worse…
I despise that my youth isn't something I can look back at fondly.
Then at some point I've started feeling like being old and being present somewhere is reason enough to be hated by the youth.
Even if you had zero intention to interact.
I'm sure they think something like
>hey an adult is around we gotta moderate ourselves>damn this middle aged loser is listening lets stop talkingor they just generally feel uncomfortable. I used to do this too as a kid I think.
The health stuff is just suicide fuel all the way. I used to think of health issues as things that get better and disappear.
The past 6 years have taught me that if you are old, they just get renamed to "chronic" and persist or get worse.
>Why would anyone want to continue living knowing this?I wonder too. When my tinnitus first started I thought I was going mad, spent 2 years going to all kinds of doctors crying myself to sleep every night.
Now it's about 5x as loud and I don't even notice it anymore unless it's absolutely quiet so I usually listen to something all day.
I haven't known silence for almost a decade.
Other pains I got used to as well. The inability to do things was surprisingly easy to accept too. Idk what drives me. Biology I guess. The indomitable wizard spirit.
No.306560
This should be a day of celebration for me, but I don't know how to do that. In the last few years I've had several large successes, which for anyone else would probably be life-changing, and felt nothing about them. There was just a vague fear before I found out the result, then a new fear about whatever's next. That's all it is, just one fear replacing another fear. No sense of reward or gratification when the thing is done. Then I realised recently that my root motivation is self-destruction. I mean that all my deepest desires and unconscious motivations and fantasies are centered on my being destroyed. I think it was always this way, but wasn't something I really understood before. I'm not going to act on it immediately because I don't believe I need to. Actually, I'm glad I can look forward to my death. Even if not nonexistence, at least it should be some kind of change. But no need to rush into things. I think one can destroy oneself in life too. Consciousness is the curse. As a pure dream, life would be fine enough. It's hard to stop thinking. I can only manage it for brief periods.
No.306561
it's not just nostalgia. i actually think that as you age you lose your ability to emotionally connect to things, so everything feels like shit. everything's changed and i like none of it.
No.306563
>>306561There is an objective decline in the overall quality of everything though
No.306571
>>306514Since this anon won't elaborate, could anyone else explain what he meant by wizards won?
Way I see it, male virgins are shitted upon more than ever.
How is that a victory?
No.306572
>>306571I assume he means that now that crab language and topics have become mainstream it also brought a lot about how fucked the world and society in general is to light.
Doomerism/crabism is mainstream, understanding of the worlds wrongs is as well.
Now you no longer need to be gaslit about obvious observations, or at least to a lesser extent. Just like how conspiracy theorists have been getting validated over and over lately.
I agree with you that for wizards specifically this hasn't been beneficial aside from the mental relief if you have been unsure if your "eyes betrayed you" before this.
I'd even argue we have it worse now in a sense as crabs are the mainstream version, we are now the marginalized of the marginalized as voluntary celibacy is viewed as a cope.
Not sure how to phrase it better.
I'd never admit to being a virgin at work for example because they immediately label you as a crab in their head.
Then you get associated with a lot of negative traits even if you don't have any of those.
I just don't care about such things nor do I ever see myself taking part, but to the common person this is still unbelievable.
In some ways, the veil was lifted for normies, so now "we" wizards and them both can see reality, observe and diagnose the issue.
The disconnect now is how normies have a different set of solutions for this.
So a new set of gaslighting and flagellation came to be with the many branches they, crabs/normies create as a cure they can try and sell others.
The gaslighting shifted from the diagnosis/problems to the cure/solutions of societies ailments.
>thispostisautomatedanddiscarded No.306578
There is a certain kind of oversocialisation with normies I find particularly disgusting. When you enter a certain place with a certain purpose you are actually being evaluated on a set of arbitrary criteria which decides the outcome not the stated purpose. Like when you're in the hospital, your looks, politics, and psychology decides if you get good medical care or not, not whether you pay the bills or not. In the workplace the "social game" decides your pay, promotion, work conditions, not your capability, value to the company, or the rules of the labor-money transaction.
In the court laws don't matter, rather if you do some kind of symbolic gestures like speech, facial expressions, and logical fallacies, decides the outcome of the "legal" conflict.
No.306579
>>306578Can relate to the medical part.
It's like you look a certain way or of a certain social status and you get no treatment. Medical gaslighting is a very real thing too.
No.306581
The crabdom being mainstream thing is mere posturing. Normies don't really give a shit about anything. It's just a way of "egyism" they desecreted like they've done with the rest of the memes/formats non-normies are accustumed to since they are unable of creating anything worthy of their own, which leads to losing its grace. It's a double-edged sword.
No.306583
I watched a crow take a piece of soggy bread from a dirty puddle on the street. It held it in its mouth like a piece of treasure. Then everything was clear to me for a moment. That crow was dreaming. It couldn't see anything wrong with what it was doing. It was just behaving naturally. Then there was an old succubus spreading powder into patterns on the ground in front of a church. I suppose she was demented or psychotic, so another dreamer. I feel so ill-adapted.
No.306586
I'm so used to hiding who I am, and my true self that I find it difficult to even post my thoughts online. I can pace around thinking for an hour and when I go to my PC to record them, or share with other people, my mind goes blank. It's very hard for me communicate what's in my head and it can take an hour to write a short post.
No.306601
>>306583Interesting, do you think most people are dreaming like that to some extent? Living in their own imagination or even delusion. My earliest childhood memories are dreamlike - just passively feeling and letting emotions take control. Are we hyper aware?
No.306602
>>306593i always feel like that when i'm not stressed as fuck
No.306605
>>306601I don't know anything. I have no idea whether life itself is suffering or if some of us are simply more attuned to that aspect of it. But each day I'm becoming more convinced of the necessity of forgetting myself. Yes, like a child, or as one acts in a dream. I imagine awakening from sleep and smoothly shifting into waking life as the next dream in the sequence. Then, life could be handled experientially, and pain wouldn't last beyond the moment. In such a state I would surely commit many "errors" according to my present judgment, but why should I care? Even when I do everything "correctly," I'm still not satisfied. Perhaps there's also a balance that can be struck. I don't know.
No.306606
>>306593Hey man. I know this would sound a little weird, but please, read "The death of Ivan Ilyich". Is a short novel that, in my opinion, relates to your situation. Some parts are about the reflection of life during an anounce death and the feeling of "down hill". The best memories of the protagonist start at the beginning of the childhood, but then, the rest of his life, is a dry and unfullfilling work for others. He only acomplish the goals that the world had to offered, but not his own.
Is a great reading, the only upside is that the begin is a little boring. It could be a small relief to see the struggles of a character from the XIX century.
No.306607
>>306605You're onto something, wiz. Experiencing life after waking up like a dream is the absolute end goal to achieve. If life was like a dream it would be be the most perfect condition. But the demiurge took that away from us by punishing us with the raise of consciousness when growing up. Effectively turning life into a hellish experience of witnessing that you are not one with the world around.
No.306616
I cannot fucking believe how much of a loser I am, is there a cheap or free and reliable way to measure my IQ?
No.306617
>>306611i can't express how much i relate to you. i feel like it's a massive psyop from demiurge. they make a fucked up society that takes away any purpose i might have had in life as a wizard, and then they force their consciousness on me, so i lose integrity and no longer even remember why i chose to stay away from them.
i understand the way in which they harmed you is probably different, but still i relate so strongly. i wanna watch them burn.
No.306622
Everything was finally looking up for me. After years of struggle I was finally going to get a job and everything. Then I get a letter and it’s not only all ripped away but I’m left worse off than when I started.
No.306623
>>306617I don't think the problem is consciousness. The core design 'flaw' of this realm is physicality; everything is compressed down to an extreme physicality, limiting the human to a body and the rules of the environment they're in. I say 'flaw' because it's a way to ensure suffering and your human brain is part of that, always returning to boredom or discontent even after experiencing some achievement or enjoyment. And that suggests this world is a loosh-harvesting soul-trap other entities feed off of. The deceptions that lead a spirit to incarnate (or suffer needlessly) here are the problem and those that create or enable those deceptions, because outside of this, whether through death or OBE/lucid dreams, those limitations are NOT present. So consciousness exists elsewhere, and you can enter a realm of your own creation without physicality but still coherent and following your own 'rules.' In other words, fuck the god of Abraham, fucking monopolistic control-freak worm.
No.306624
I wonder how people manage a job, friends, their relationship, hobbies, gym and also having some free time on top of that.
For example, I just wake up, go to work, then come back home, some housework and cooking, then I research stuff for my career/work on my personal project, and then I have some time to watch YouTube while I fall asleep.
I just wonder because I thought what would happen if I throw friends in the mix and then I'll literally have no time for some other part of my day.
And don't let me start on having a partner. When will I have time for my autistic worldbuilding project if I would have a gf who wants to be entertained?
And, oh my god, the kids… How people have time to live with the kids?
What the fuck normalfags do to make it work?
How do they play games? Are they all dad gamers?
How do they create art? Are they all permabegs?
When do they have time to watch TV shows?
A normal life sound so busy with all the social stuff… How do they have time for their solitary pursuits?
Do they meet their "friends" once a year? Is their idea of chilling with a partner is physically being in the same room while they do their own stuff? Do they not take care of their kids?
I just have no idea. No idea.
No.306625
>>306624>For example, I just wake up, go to work, then come back home, some housework and cooking, then I research stuff for my career/work on my personal project, and then I have some time to watch YouTube while I fall asleep.I have no idea how you manage to get so much done.
No.306626
>>306624I'm the same as the other anon here
>>306625 surprised to see you get that much done at all.
I can barely manage to work a cushy home office bullshit job and go stare at nothing for the rest of the day.
Hell if my mom didn't cook/clean I'd just let things rot really.
For what it's worth my observation of normal people suggests that they don't have a barrier between (desire/plan to-act) and (taking action).
They just do things. Fully connected to themselves. Attached.
I often get into the trap of having an idea, getting motivated to do something, intensely researching optimal ways to do it, but never getting around to doing the activity.
Maybe it's learned inaction? Idk. I did this so often I started to just act on impulse immediately even if suboptimal.
Then I developed the next problem, somehow the "initiate action" signal just doesn't seem to work.
I'd sit in front of a book I wanna read, and simply not read the open book for some reason. Sit in front of wood and my carving knife and I'm just not doing it.
This happens with extremely simple shit too like I can't even watch anime anymore because it is too much of a commitment and it doesn't work.
Sometimes I just sit there and cry at my inability to act, yet I'm still not acting.
I do manage to act when forced by the world in some way. But I've noticed that even chronic pains are not enough to make me go to a doctor for example, it has to get real bad before I go.
Then I go once, unsuccessful, never go again unless it gets to another level of hellish agony.
I feel like you might just be a higher functioning version of this. Maybe you don't have your mom cleaning for you so you are forced and do the bare minimum, but then again, you mention personal projects too.
I'm spent after work even if all my work was is to sit there "on call" for 8 hours.
Do you feel like you have a proper working ignition mechanism for taking action or does what I wrote resonate?
I believe normies have no barrier, they live in the world, reality, fully attached to themselves and their experience so they just go and do shit.
I've seen my sister ages ago put down school books and immediately start a painting and halfway through start exercising and then go call up a friend to hang out, socialize etc.
I've seen my mother come back from work, do a bunch of chores and then star crocheting and when not busy they find stuff to do. Stuff that progresses them in life too, not just random junk.
I need all kinds of mental prep to take simple actions like making an appointment and if I do? The days "energy bar" has been spent right then and there. Like I'm some low level gacha character.
Maybe try what I did. Have a watch that beeps every hour. Every hour write down what you have done and why it took so long if it seems unreasonable.
You'll notice that you have quite a bit of time if you review this in a week/month that just doesn't get utilized. It didn't help me fix my problem mind you. My advice is worthless.
It helped me realize that normals aren't superhuman and I'm the defective one. No further insight gained on how to fix though.
Maybe reducing the barriers is a way, but it only works for some things. I started a monthly vacuuming/dusting habit, but only kept to it since throwing away almost all the stuff I owned so now I only have a few surfaces that have nothing on them to vacuum and dust.
If you do something about it and figure out how to fix this then tell me how to do it too. I would be grateful even though it means nothing I suppose.
No.306628
I don't like what this board has become, /dep/ specifically. I was just looking right now for the medication thread that some wizard made months ago, mentioning his and others experiences with the most common mental health medication. It's gone. What took it's place? A bunch of /r9k/ tier normalnigger faggot troon tier short threads with less than 10 posts readily abandoned by the OP, yeah the type of crap that killed 4ch. I've always felt that those threads are made by botfarms, there is a infographic of what some Soros tranny group, the kind that fight for (((online safety))) LMFAO claimed to do. "Perhaps making these less attractive would be a viable strategy" or something along those lines, so just shitposting absolute worthless crap to oblivion. Flooding the boards with stale and dead content. I'm not the best at replying to others, but I'd NEVER be such an annoying little attentionwhore faggot to make a thread just for myself AND bump off another from the catalog AND then abandon it. Those people deserve death.
Anyway, what I wanted to read that thread for was to ask about Lithium. Anyone here has experience with it? I just read about how it works and man, that sounds potentially life changing/wrecking I've read so many different accounts of it, from my understanding it acts as a sort of wildcard for common electrolytes and enzymatic reactions. So idk, looking at my life I wonder if I my problems could be similar to Bipolar. I know I'm not, but I often go through these mini manic-depressive phases (most wizzies seem to ackhully).
No.306629
>>306628I strongly doubt any organization would put the effort into running an operation on this site considering the low population. I totally agree about slide-threads, even if they might be accidental though. But really this is a >>/meta/ conversation.
That aside I don't really know if lithium would really help most wizards. Yeah, there are a lot with periods of intense depression but I wouldn't say most are manic. They mostly seem to stem from helplessness and despair. High-energy doesn't exactly describe the suffering in this thread.
No.306632
>>306628sounds like you need a different type of medication, having troons living rent free in your head can't be healthy
No.306633
>>306628I don't believe it's systematic in the case of this site. It's just a bunch of malicious people have over time driven away most normal users.
I do agree that the low quality spam is obvious. Threads that would have been relegated to /b/, low effort brainfarts and the like are now commonplace and fill up the catalog.
There is still moderation, but I feel like it's not strict enough.
Can't blame the responsible team either, because many wizards are simply in a state where they don't have the will or strength to type out their thoughts at length in a coherent fashion.
So how do you really judge the 2-3 sentence thread to be "junk" exactly?
Some might say the threads I make that are overly long filled with run-on sentences are just as bad.
I'm not smart or eloquent enough to phrase things properly so I ramble.
The only thing I really really regret is that the large number of low quality threads have deleted a lot of the ancient threads that have been around forever.
I don't come here 365 days a years, but I return for a period of time every once in a while. It was comforting about this place that I would find the old, long back-and-forth discussions and could reread or read new posts, maybe post a few times and then leave for a few months again.
The now famous "dead internet theory" thread was around for a very long time as well as I recall.
Probably off-topic but wanted to get this off my chest as well.
No.306634
>>306633To elaborate, by malicious I don't necessarily mean outside actors or non-virgins.
Our lives aren't exactly the greatest. Many of us react to the different levels of misery differently.
Some wizards or apprentice types might just be bitter or stuck in a teenage-like mentality where they derive pleasure from putting others down.
They then come here and find relief in a "I'm at least not like these losers" type of way and then they poke fun or attempt to torment those of us that do engage (or try to) meaningfully.
This spirals.
Can't really blame them much, just hope they'll realize at some point that they could gain more by abstaining from such actions as they contribute to the death of one of the few places left for their/our kind.
No.306635
>>306628Psychiatry is the most evil institution ever conceived by humans, it's entirely lies and poison. Lithium causes kidney damage, there is a documented history of people on lithium who lost between 30%-50% of renal function, some even ended up on dialysis.
So if you're not forced to take the medications (like me, I'm forced by police to take antipsychotic injections and they caused a permanent dystonia) just DON'T, they will ruin your existence forever. I gladly preferred psychosis and depression to being medicated.
Psychiatric drugs are comparable with cancer drugs in terms of damage, except they don't cure anything.
No.306637
>>306636
Zero contribution post just confirming what has been said.
No.306643
I'm so glad I was able to throw away my antipsychotics. They never did anything for the voices and I immediately developed parkinsonism and akathesia on them.
Imagine if I were forced to take that shit. Schizophrenia is one of those diseases which categorizes you as subhuman as soon as others know about it. You are worth precisely that of an animal in their eyes. Your words mean nothing. You are a dangerous "creature" who must be medicated into oblivion, locked up, and hopefully killed.
No.306644
>>306635I think the problem comes from people being on them as a regular medication. I personally find anti-psychotics to be quite useful when I have a manic episode and can't sleep, as they shut me down for the night and forces a sleep.
Does it do damage? Absolutely, however I'm at the moment only taking 3-4 pills a year, I keep a supply in my draw, and I control the dose. Being up for three days straight does comparable damage to the brain so it's a bit of a pick your poison. The doctors say I'm well versed in what I'm doing and are pretty happy for me to have a "take as you need it" supply of anti-psychotics.
I do wonder if opiates are better/safer for the brain and do the same thing, although there there's an addiction factor.
Anyways I don't give a shit about the long term damage at this point. I just want to live my life until 50 and then rope. When you're mentally ill you're looking at a horrific old age anyway.
>Schizophrenia is one of those diseases which categorizes you as subhuman as soon as others know about it. You are worth precisely that of an animal in their eyes.Most schizophrenics are harmless, that's the wild thing. They are more at risk of being victimized than victimizing others.
No.306645
>>306635>>306644Also it's pretty wild how fast psychiatric meds kill people. The average schizophrenic has a life expectancy of like 50-55 and their death is typically from heart failure. Heart failure that's induced by the medication.
There's a lot of normal middle aged succubi that you're going to see become functionally disabled in 10-20 years time from the anti-depressants and psyche meds they're on.
Terry Davis for all his lolcow behavior was pretty healthy looking and behaving relative to other schizos, he was unmedicated. I see people saying "I wish he could've got the help he needed", but that would've meant spending his time staring at a wall drooling out of both sides of his mouth while becoming obese, then dying or getting dementia in a few years time. He lived a relatively good schizo life, fucked around with his OS, played drums, drank, was pro-social and affable even with his disease. Even when he was homeless he seemed to have some vitality to him. And when it became too much he simply killed himself.
No.306646
>>306629>considering the low populationJust got hit with a warning lol, ok I won't keep talking about that then.
>this is a >>/meta/ conversation.right….
>They mostly seem to stem from helplessness and despair. High-energy doesn't exactly describe the suffering in this thread.I guess, yeah. Still wanted to know tho, at least to not feel these retarded mood shifts.
>>306632You know exactly what I meant you pedantic autistic nigger.
>>306633>It's just a bunch of malicious people have over time driven away most normal users.I'm being silenced!
>because many wizards are simply in a state where they don't have the will or strength to type out their thoughts at length in a coherent fashion.I know, I understand and I agree, but this is what this thread is for.
>So how do you really judge the 2-3 sentence thread to be "junk" exactly?For me it has to fill some criteria:
>must be uninspired, if the OP is short that can be acceptable if the OP replies in earnest but what we often see is they just walk away>must be *too* unoriginal>too broad or too niche to incite discussion>*too* personal, I can see how weird that sounds, but there has to be something for the reader as well>most of all, it gets posted in
>I'm not smart or eloquent enough to phrase things properly so I ramble.I'm fine with that as long as you engage with your own thread, if people stop engaging then at least you got it out of your system (and probably realized the futility of getting too personal online)
>Some might say the threads I make that are overly long filled with run-on sentences are just as bad. >I'm not smart or eloquent enough to phrase things properly so I ramble.I'm not either, which is why I used to prefer letting others make threads.
There was this other thread, Death Of Wizards or something that I liked too. There was not much else left to discuss, but I still liked the idea of others being exposed to it. It's unreal how hypersocial most people are today as in, the entirety of their worldview and actions rests on what's posted on social media. This isn't exactly what that general was about, but it was tangential and nailed it in that no more Wizards are being created. Yeah you may be a virgin, dear gen-alphaer but you're not "divorced" from humanity on the same level.
Speaking of and to not make a thread just for this, I wonder what the future is like for the older wizards who have fully checked out, including online. It used to be said that people like this were only possible because the internet allowed us a respite and refuge from reality, but now that Digital IDs are being pushed hard, what happens to people like that? No, we can't just "reintegrate" like that lolno it doesn't work like that.. Could it be, that the dream is over, for real this time?
>>306635>it's entirely lies and poison.For the most part, yeah.
>Lithium causes kidney damage, there is a documented history of people on lithium who lost between 30%-50% of renal function, some even ended up on dialysis.I know, was curious is all. Low low-dose is what I had in mind but yeah, personally it's not the kidneys what I'm worried about because they say high water intake takes care of that (and that it's a long term effect most of the time), it's the abnormal heart rhythms and cramps that I already have lol, any worse than this and I could freak out and give myself a heart attack unironically.
>>306643>>306644I think Schizophrenia is a whole different beast that even today is barely understood so imma skip on that. About other meds idk, I know for example that anything benzo and benzo-like is incredibly damaging if not used responsibly or not weaned off carefully. It's funny how people go on about Dopamine this Dopamine that, when Glutamate and GABA are much more abundant in the human body. I recall reading a study about how sedatives in general reduce life-expectance while amphetamine or ADHD medication prolongs it. I'm trying to say some medication can be beneficial but you'll never get the real help, care and attention you need from a psychiatrist. On the contrary, MAID is becoming more common and normalized, why fix you when you can just be pushed to die? Those who rule us would be more than pleased, you worked (for pennies) and paid taxes (that you never saw a return from), now that you're no longer useful they can straight up legally kill you. Hell World.
Also, didn't Terry become Schizophrenic in old age? He seemed to live a good and succesful life until then. I hate his fucking parents so much, I hope they're burning in hell
No.306647
>>306646>Also, didn't Terry become Schizophrenic in old age? He seemed to live a good and successful life until then. I hate his fucking parents so much, I hope they're burning in hellTerry became schizophrenic in his late twenties/early thirties. He spent about twenty years with schizophrenia before committing suicide.
He was functional and still working part time for the first 3-5 years of his condition (getting institutionalized every six months), then he was an invalid writing Temple OS for about 5 years. Then for the last ten years he was a barely functional lolcow.
95% of TempleOS was developed before he was discovered by the internet. He basically wasn't working on it anymore for all the livestreams, he was just fucking around with changing surface level things.
His parents and family were really nice too. It's cute how him and his dad got along on streams.
I don't really see Terry Davis as a tragic case of schizophrenia. He took things in stride too and wasn't really negative or depressed. He probably had a real upbeat personality before his disease took hold.
No.306650
>>306646>On the contrary, MAID is becoming more common and normalized, why fix you when you can just be pushed to die? Those who rule us would be more than pleased, you worked (for pennies) and paid taxes (that you never saw a return from), now that you're no longer useful they can straight up legally kill you.What's wrong with MAID? It is not involuntary, it is voluntary assisted dying. Death is better than a life of torture, where MAID is illegal you get zombified by drugs anyway in some hospice or low tier hospital.
No.306653
>>306646>It's unreal how hypersocial most people are today as in, the entirety of their worldview and actions rests on what's posted >gen AI feel this. I used to have some online connections, some online spaces I took part in when I was younger. Niche MMOs,irc, teamspeak servers, forums, but those are long gone.
I could never make the move to discord, never could embrace social media. I just couldn't make the jump. Couldn't accept such permanence to everything I'd post.
Most importantly, I couldn't accept giving people so much access to me(?) if that makes any sense.
I hated mobile phones after I got them to the point it was known within family that they'd never call me directly but would call my mom instead since I'd never pick it up.
I just can't be "connected" and "available" 24/7. I don't have the bandwidth.
I mention discord specifically because I do feel like the youth that started with it as their "online connection tool of choice" are a different breed entirely.
Then again, I'm sure for many older people here my teamspeak mention gives rise to similar feelings. I didn't use it much either, but it was still noteworthy.
>Speaking of and to not make a thread just for this, I wonder what the future is like for the older wizards who have fully checked out, including online.This is the only place I post on anymore aside from telegram with my one friend who is far away, but is a connection from IRL.
>Digital IDs I'm worried about it too for many reasons, but realistically I'm too old to care. I realize I'm not that old, but old enough to know that this life isn't going to go on forever. It wouldn't affect my life too much if all I ever posted here had my name attached. Would yours be?
Perhaps there will be things I will no longer share on sites like this. Perhaps sites like this wont exist and I wont be sharing anything.
I'm not going to lie. I feel extremely disconnected from the world and I do desire some form of companionship. That is why I post here.
I don't know if you are the one I initially replied to, but if so, then you probably already feel like posting here doesn't exactly fulfill this vestigial need anyways.
>Could it be, that the dream is over, for real this time?What dream? Online refuge?
No.306654
>>306646>Could it be, that the dream is over, for real this time?I wouldn't say so, not for us. Digital IDs seem to mostly be getting put in place where they can use them to monitor regular people. We are not regular people. I suspect that the worst-case realistic scenario is that we're encompassed by broad-spectrum regulation that covers internet traffic in general. Places like this are going to be dying out more than they already regardless of online IDs as fewer and fewer young people seek refuge here. Instead they're ending up on discord and, once that's gone, the instant-communication platform that's in vogue that year.
Those of us who remain right now will remain here posting with each other as other sites just get worse and worse in every way and the online IDs are just a normal part of said "enshittification".
The ones here from the 2010s that have not killed themselves so far probably never will.
There will come a day not too long in the future where the average age here reaches 30. Then 40. Then 50.
The older wizards you mentioned will in other words either stay here or get pushed into some other obscure corner of the internet with the former being the most likely scenario. I understand a lot of people here, especially the younger ones, are existing under the assumption that they'll have killed themselves sometime within the coming decades but most will not. The ultimate fate of us will be practically the same as those on the boomer forums where there's maybe 100 people writing each other every few weeks. And at that point the shrinking will turn into something like an asymptote.
I'm absolutely horrified at the notion of this site just disappearing one day. I know of maybe 2 places I might be able to sync up with other refugees but that's it. There's no other place with people as similar to me. This is the only place that feels like a home to me.
No.306655
>>306654Perfectly put. Especially the decline/future outlook part.
I also feel like the Digital ID stuff is overblown.
I put in my ID for a lot of shit (youtube for example) already because I don't care. I don't participate in or consume politics in a way that would get me in the crosshairs.
What would a wizard care about such things aside from knowing how to navigate the world to mitigate suffering?
Like during covid I had distant relatives arrested for facebook posts… Why would they do that? Just read up on stuff, know how to avoid the worst and move on.
I just want to live quietly. I know I wont be allowed as the system demands you participate in your torment actively, but I can still avoid it to the best of my abilities.
>I'm absolutely horrified at the notion of this site just disappearing one day. Same. Even if it's a dying place there is nothing quite like it. I hope the admin was joking on /b/ about shutting it down.
No.306656
>>306655>I just want to live quietly. I know I wont be allowed as the system demands you participate in your torment actively, but I can still avoid it to the best of my abilities.Yeah. In short I think we can all agree the Digital IDs and all those things are horrible. If you take a step back and think about the broader context it's just a symptom of what's been in the works for a long time. This was always going to happen. When was the last time a year on the internet was better than the one before it? The good times on Youtube, 4chan, forums and so on were never going to last forever. There's been periods of rapid worsening and periods of slower. But it's always been there in the background.
And when I talk about the decline here I also want to emphasize it's not strictly something bad. In a way it's comforting. The ones who will remain here are the truly like-minded (not in the sense of agreeing on everything, I'm sure you understand what I mean) and they're not going anywhere because there will BE nowhere else to go. We'll never be well and truly alone and without sounding to sappy we'll always have each other, even if just to call each other retarded faggots.
No.306657
>>306655Posting here with your real name is going to be too dangerous. You will likely have your posts indexed under your name, all it will take is one crab to call the police saying you ruined her son (or whatever reason), and it is over. Places like these are refuges without having to risk being institutionalised.
I am reserved in my posting and my thoughts to the point I lurk most of the year. If the only choice was to use my real identity I would just quit. Nobody in real life knows my true self and having that out on the internet under my digital ID isn't something I would want
No.306670
Nothing kills my motivation and reason to keep living like when I see foids comment on porn videos. It's always the vids with a buff guy with a huge meat stick that stretches out the succubus in the video and there is tons of toilets commenting how they wish it was them or "I wish I could find a dick this big". Since succubi are everywhere in the workplace as well, and they are also mainly the ones who are food servers and cashiers, its become painful to look at them because all I think of is how she is just like the one in the porn comments wishing there was a buff big dick chad fucking her. The only move left is to completely isolate. Hearing succubi speak has also become very painful.
No.306671
>>306670Why do you care what they like lol? Just ignore them.
No.306676
>>306670Is this bait? I would guess so but seeing as there are enough who genuinely think like this that it might not be.
Those are either homosexual men pretending or, more likely, succubi trying to advertise their own porn-channels.
In a way I'm almost jealous of the crustaceans who have so few real problems that something like that would qualify as one.
No.306677
>>306676>In a way I'm almost jealous of the crustaceans who have so few real problems that something like that would qualify as one.Same. This is how I feel about them too.
I wish my biggest struggle was "boohooo I can't get any succubi" lmao. Who cares. It's hilarious to me whenever I see these.
Then again, for the normie mind I suppose this is a "vital need".
No.306680
Regular people mystify me. How does a normalfag have the motivation and drive to go to college for 4 years or even to work a job? I can't maintain attention to anything for more than a few days. It's like normalfags are born with limitless energy and drive.
No.306683
>>306680I don't know. I've been failing college for 4 years now and it looks like my parents are starting to realize it's never going to work out. I'm going to apply for a menial job within a few weeks then move from home. I'm guessing you'll see me in the wageslave thread in a few months. Motivation for some is just survival. The option of becoming a streetneet is not that popular.
No.306686
>>306680Wrote about this at length too above.
I believe they don't have a barrier between thought and action that we, or rather at least I have.
I've recently found some information that this thought-action barrier, the initiation of an action being defective is prevalent in those with autism.
Make of that what you will.
Just sharing something random.
No.306687
>>306680I've been studying for about 8 years and will have been working for over 5 years this summer and I can affirm that it never gets easier, at least for me. Studying was a very different kind of suffering than working in retrospective. Most of the time when I was studying I was mentally dissociating from what was going on around me. I was extended periods of time alone and wasted time with depression, kratom, browsing image boards, I wasn't even writing any posts back then. I had so much free time and wasted it all instead of learning something useful or engage in an actual hobby. The actual studying was the only good part I would say but my degree was a joke. It's common sense these days that most education is useless and in terms of finding good jobs worthless. The annoying part is the social aspect of studying and if you can't form meaningful connections at university it's pretty much pointless, then you might get a degree but after that nobody will ask for that. That was a lonely and empty sort of suffering for me being on my own trapped in geared and anchorless mind. Well working on the other hand is a more full and dense kind of suffering. There's always too much stress, too much to tasks to do, no free time, or no energy to use the free time for anything useful. Too much stuff people want from you and having to deal with retards that participate blooming and without questioning the compliance theater and adult day care. There's more money than when I was a student but there's nothing to do with it and saving it for a big investment doesn't seem worth it with a low income like mine. I just want to spend it all on hifi audio for a nice headphone experience but I feel like that's a scam as well. Everything for me is about letting the day pass defiantly, only to miserably face the prospect of the next day in the evening hours. So basically choose your poison.
No.306689
>>306687Did you struggle with learning or sitting down and getting things done in general?
Did kratom you mention help with that?
I'm grasping at anything that could help solve my lifelong issues with inaction…
No.306690
>>306680as a believer in darwinism i think it's pretty normal. normalfags get free motivation out of blue just because that's how natural selection works. it's not a problem for them. they'll tell you long tales how they're so cool and how they overcame this and that, but it's just genetically conditional trash talk to impress succubi. it's kinda sad because without having energy to do stuff i can't create some security pillow for myself which means i have to live a life of anxiety.
No.306691
>>306687Studying requires too much mental energy. I find myself getting so bored and distracted or just sleepy if I try to force myself to study.
No idea how normalfags do it. I have zero motivation to do anything but sit at my desk.
No.306695
>>306676>Is this bait?I thought so as well, probably either a troll or some retarded newfag.
>crustaceans fucking lol'd
No.306696
>>306686I'm not the anon you replied to but I know very well what you are describing. Sometimes I try living like that for a moment, just to see what it's like. Not dwelling on thoughts, just following whatever comes to my mind. But it feels soulless, I feel like an NPC while doing it. Feels kinda faggy too, like a eunuch, I don't know how to describe it. Ego-less? But in a bad way. The other problem is that I get a new 'quest' before finishing the current one, making me overwhelmed with tasks. So this thoughtless mode of operation doesn't work for me. And even if it did, I don't like it.
Why do you think that is? What makes us different from regular people? Do we reflect too much?
No.306697
>>306696I don't know. Your guess is as good as mine.
I always thought it's two things combined.
First lack a clear reward structure, second is seeking an objectively optimal path where non exists.
The second is probably tism, the first is probably more to do with the wizard mindset.
A lot of times I just don't have a real reason to do things since there isn't enough benefit to justify the struggle.
I suppose for normals with proper drives for family/reproduction, status and all the stuff that contributes to it's attainment they can justify any struggle since it contributes to the ultimate goal.
I do believe wizards are the type of people who could 100% rationalize suicide without a shred of emotional thinking.
For the path issue. Many things in life are subjective. Are you good at making subjective decisions? Favorite color, flavor, food, etc.? I'm not.
I'm horrible at it.
Unless it's something I can evaluate objectively I'm often paralyzed even if I in reality don't care either way.
If you don't have this issue a second form this may manifest is that as I said, most issues in life don't have a clear cut solution.
If I have point [A] where I start and have a desired outcome point [B] and there is a clear set of steps to be taken with a clear "win condition" that it results in, I'm okay taking the action.
In life you don't have this kind of certainty. It is reserved for fiction, video games mostly.
In reality most things people do starts with a vague need or want, but even if the objective is clear you never have a clear path to it.
You have a hurt back? Go to the doctor which could go any number of ways, go to the chiro, to physiotherapy etc. etc.
Normals have the ability to just keep going, keep doing stuff, keep taking actions over and over again that vaguely align with a somewhat fuzzy, but desired goal.
You wanna buy something? Thousands of options for tech, balancing pros and cons that are intangible and often false. You never end up with a perfect device no matter what tech product.
One of my personal torments. The more I know the more impossible it is to decide.
The more aware, the less able to act. Paralyzed.
What helped me a bit is to set out a bare minimum bar for satisfaction and how much bad I'm willing to tolerate. Though I'd life if I said that fixed my life in any meaningful way.
Idk how clear this was. Seems somewhat incoherent. I'm doing a nightshift now and just had some issues. Might come back to clarify if needed.
TL;DR: Lack of motivation and no guarantees in life. Lack of clear guaranteed benefit, overwhelming amount of options and outcomes that can't be properly evaluated.
No.306703
i feel bad sick and tired. not gonna read the recent text walls even
No.306705
>>306697This one nearly got me too until a house move and associated tasks became so enormous and so time constrained that "Degrees of success" and "Progress matters more than completion since completion is impossible" had to be acknowledged so much as to genuinely change my habits.
I think it's a trait neuropathy thing feeding into whatever brain damage or physiological cause slows us down and pulls us back, such that when said "whip" is not there to drive forward the rest, nest and stay safe instinct rises to the fore.
That and poverty. If you grew up in low resource environment and making a mistake on a purchase decision was genuinely a long term problem, that stays with you. Only *now* at 38 am I realising the long term effects of it, and that only after being shocked out of it.
No.306707
>>306644>>306645>>306647I guess people say that because psychosis feels good until it doesn't. When it wears off, or you start taking medication, the positive symptoms are gone, and only the negative ones are left. And with negative symptoms, it's a pretty dull life.
Anyway, I actually miss being psychotic in a way. Reality felt more than real, kinda maximalist. Everything felt even more vivid, more sharper, like I'm six again and experiencing the world for the first time.
And the vidya… Man, the vidya was something else. It was filled with cryptic meanings and had that Wow! factor that I had when I booted up my first game ever. I've never experienced quite anything like that in my life.
Well… As I've said, it's good until it isn't. Then delusions and hallucinations start, and they cause me too much distress.
But I get why people want to get off their meds. The hyper salience feels like shrooms, except I don't even need to take anything, my brain foes the trip by itself.
Anyone tried playing vidya in that sweet spot before the bad stuff start and after the psychosis begins? Maybe watching anime? I swear it's the best thing ever.
No.306710
>>306707I'm Christian and I watched Sword Art Online S3 Alicization while in psychosis. I saw a hidden meaning in it. The "God" of that world made everyone happy and satisfied as long as they obeyed by giving them perfect roles and memories in a very safe and orderly world, until Kirito-kun killed her. This mimics the real-life transition from near-universal Christianity to this modern bifurcation of believer and atheist/non-religious. To receive from God you must be Christian and this turning away is why everything is going to shit.
Also while in psychosis I had these sex-dreams of God (that is Christ) transforming himself in an anime succubus and us having sex.
I'm glad this has been wearing off.
No.306714
>>306705Man now that you mention it. The poverty thing really stuck out to me too.
I haven't bought myself a new pair of shoes in ages even though I'm not that burdened by poverty anymore as we used to.
Back in the days buying an uncomfortable pair meant I would have to struggle and wear it for a year or two even if it ended up hurting my feet in the long run.
So now unless I find a pair that is perfect on first try, first few steps I just can't buy it.
The tech stuff just feels the same, but since it's more expensive it's still a significant amount to me now. Makes it even harder.
So I just keep putting these things off.
Man… I wonder what it was like for rich kids. "Lol just buy all 4" kinds.
Life with an abundance mentality must be something else entirely.
Focusing on making progress is definitely something I relate to as well.
No.306717
It's remarkable how much time I've wasted doing nothing.
No.306725
The best times in my life are the times before falling asleep, when I'm blessed with dreams while asleep, especially when I have no obligations can stay in bed and shortly after waking up can fall asleep again, and the short time after waking up when I try to remember and replay what I was dreaming or when I shortly try to resleep immediately after waking up, especially when I don't have any plans for the rest of the day. Everything else is kind of dumb, waking hours are a burden that I have to endure to be able to go sleep again. I wish I could sleep all the time, sleeping and dreaming is what life has to offer for me.
No.306732
i'm very sick and because of it very bored since i can't do shit and it's a stone coffin city. i want my own fucking clone since i'm the only fun person in my world
No.306741
I dont hate succubi but more and more I realize so many problems in the world come from men taking, even for a split second, succubi seriously. Imagine a succubus telling you about the attitude you should have towards hardship, when her succubus perspective comes from her succubus lived experience. Its such a waste of time, its like trying to read a book and having a dog barking at you so you walk it outside for a bit because it thinks thats what you actually need. Our lived experiences are worlds apart to say the least.
No.306742
>>306741All the worlds wrongs result from mens desperation for succs.
No.306751
Overpay for food again because I amtoo shy to ask the price. Fuck. I wish I am one of those Karen that is completely unaffected by being an embarrassment in public. These lower class food vendors don't respect me. Why am I giving them so much respect? And why does the version with meat cost 5 times more?
No.306752
>>306751Just stare blankly turn around walk away and never return.
If you don't rely on that specific vendor who cares if they blacklist you or whatever.
No.306756
Saw a "How to deal with ADHD" article where author suggested to take drugs and have people in the same room with you to talk to you and hold your hand if you're too anxious to start a task.
No.306758
>>306751It's okay wiz probably just brainfog
save yourself some trouble and try to ask the price next time
these kind of transactions are impersonal and nobody gives a fuck, no reason to worry
save your sensitivity for this place lol
No.306759
>>306756I have severe ADHD and none of the medications helped me (literally tried all of them except qelbree).
I think "real" adhd is rare and what most normalfags describe is just some "i'm so bored from studying for this math test" shit.
No.306760
>>306759I think I have ADD. I am not hyperactive but when my attention span has been in the gutter since birth. Stimulators help, but they can't be taken long term. They burn out the brains and make things worse.
I just accepted the fact that I am a scatterbrained loser that will never get shit I want to do done. It is liberating even though depressing.
No.306774
I don't think there's a single person in the world with whom I can have a mutual understanding. The last six months have been the loneliest of my life. I don't feel it much, but sometimes.
No.306775
>>306774I'm curious what you would want to talk about with a friend.
I also long for companionship of some sort, but then I realize the reason I don't have friends is because I do nothing and have nothing to talk about anymore.
Back in the day when I played a few online games I at least had something in common with people at times.
Now no longer.
What about you?
No.306776
>>306775I've no idea really. Maybe I'd be content just to listen, or silently sit in the same room.
No.306779
>>306714I've been banging on about the therapy and chatgpt threads on this line but it actually highlights another synthesis here;
If: you grew up poor
Then: you became hyper aware of risks and ROI implications, even subconciously
Therefore: you have more "signals" to process to think through something than a rich person who goes "See -> Want -> Buy"
*This* is why cognitive load sharing is a big deal; you think you're thinking the same thonks as other people, no you're processing more inputs, using worse maintained hardware, running shoddy/offbrand software.
Fuck.
Still, now we know it's happening and the tools exist to do something about it, maybe there's a chance.
No.306780
>>306779I've read the posts in the lookism thread too and generally I agree.
I feel like the issue has roots in a slightly different direction as well which is why I might be struggling with using ChatGPT for this cognitive loadsharing task.
Most poor also have limited options and many other negative experiences that shape them.
Like you wanted something, but were denied and not only rejected, but maybe shouted at for being selfish for even harboring desires.
Eventually you'll learn not to want things.
Maybe you were a clumsy kid that broke things or untalented or simply told that you were. Anyways the results are the same.
Some people simply lack the desires or a well developed self to even know what they would like to do or want in general.
Unfortunately ChatGPT or similar, even therapists… they can't live your life for you.
They can't make subjective decisions for you.
>hey Ai/Therapistguy tell me what my favorite color should be.Of course they can walk you through it a bit, but at the end of the day, do you have the capacity to make the decision at all?
Endless nudging towards endless options doesn't exactly help.
Especially if you have no past to really base your imagined future on. I don't even have the questions to ask this AI and whenever I did try it just gave nothing worthwhile.
Even a psychologist told me that maybe a hermit lifestyle is really the way to go for me… not all that helpful.
To get back to the rich/poor example. A rich guy had already held 1000 different gadgets in his hands so he has a well developed idea of what he wants/needs out of them.
Also a good frame of reference for judging quality.
So basically what I'm saying is that the impulse/signal processing is also multi-faceted. Not just the opportunity limits leading to longterm maladaptive thought patterns, but the lack of the proper ones and experiences forging good ones as well.
Not to sound all "emo teen" or whatever I'm 30 if it sounds like that then I'm just being a retard, but really the lack of a well developed and defined "self" feels like a key component to this as well.
Though not completely related to what you say I'd like to believe the issues are connected in my case at the very least.
I can tell some of my negative traits obviously, but negatives don't define a person completely. Neither do the many things that I am not.
You gotta forge and reinforce what is right and avoid or resolve the negatives of the past at the same time somehow to become a fully capable, proper person.
I don't know where I'm going with this so I'll just leave it at that…
No.306781
>>306780Fuck me… all this shit could have been summed up as:
>bad experiences result in crippling negative thought patters>lack of good experiences also cause such issues in an entirely different way>you need to both reopen the old wounds and heal them properly this time all the while using the same damaged/healing body to progressSo on one hand you gotta fix your shit to get to the starting line, but also somehow move beyond the starting line at the same time.
Sounds even more retarded whatever…
Maybe chatgpt could summarize…
No.306782
>>306780>>306781You've done me the courtesy of engaging so i'll give you the non-augmented response :)
Pre-AI I was looking into the concept of ego-depletion, which, broadly, is the idea that willpower and self-agency is a non-renewable resource, essentially derived from the brain sugars. In a very real sense who you are is a product of your metabolism - if that theory holds true.
(so add childhood malnourishment into the mix lol)
Cognitive load shedding wise, what i've read/heard from my own studies is the adoption of a framework - *any framework* - against which to determine the applicable attributes, because you've outsourced thoughts that you then don't have to rediscover from first principles and can put your brain sugars to use in something that has outcomes. The Big Five personality traits are a good one, 15+ years ago I introduced the "Countries of people" by Mark
Gungor into the family dynamic (It's a pop-sci reduction of the same concept) and it genuinely made a difference. Literally overnight both I and the family had the shared vocabulary to express who we were and what made life worth living for us, so we had clear shared goals and could spend our brain sugar working out how to achieve them instead of burning it up in negotiating what "Good" even looked like. Turning this just on yourself is achievable - so long as you can be honest about it.
In the fine words and eloquently delivery of Major Partagaz;
https://youtu.be/wxEjpT3d0G4?t=60PICK ONE.
Even if it's a *lie*, even if it's only true enough to answer 30% of the problem, the idea that you have the obligation and capacity to solve all your problems from position zero with what you've got is poverty driven, wrong and conceptually impossible - because by the time you've solved them odds are the context has shifted anyway. So shed the cognitive load, by any means necessary - limit your thinking to minimum necessary survival, one specific line of inquiry and improvement, and whatever the fuck makes life bearable for you as a form of refreshment and nourishment - to whatever degree you can afford.
So, my dude, the first step I would suggest to you is you try the big 5 personality trait matrix, work out what causes you pain/pleasure in that context, and then from that standpoint determine how to maximise and minimise the respective influences.
*then* ask chatgpt about how to achieve the goals you've identified.
No.306792
emotionally significant experiences just stop happening so you kinda live reliving those few cool things from back when you were a happier neet.
No.306793
>>306792Damn, so concise yet so painful…
No.306794
>>306157i wish the pain ttanslated to death, i wish i didnt exist at all
No.306800
Do you notice how other adults talk really loudly? I'm just sitting outside reading a book in silence and these neighbours talking you can hear I. The whole far neighbourhood. As if everyone should hear that they are there and if it was so important what they are talking about that everyone shall hear it. This is so detrimental to anything I've learned it's comical.
No.306801
>>306800It's because most "adult" conversation is just each bastard waiting their turn to spout their own nonsense.
Since they have no desire to actually listen they are impatient.
An increase in volume is a normie way to subtly dominate the conversation, extend their turn. It is also usually done when they interject and "take over the turn".
So interrupt the other, be loud, signal that you now will talk at them at length.
Normies do this without thinking about it. It's second nature.
So they often repeat and if both of them are oblivious dumbfucks they will keep increasing their volume.
Add to that that each of them loves their own voice for some reason and you have this as a result.
It isn't for you to hear, these godforsaken mongrels are just that damn ignorant.
No.306820
>>306801I've noticed this regularly among Boomers, and it stands out in my mind because I don't deal well with loud noise, and what they talk about has nothing of value so it's just that, loud noise. I'm not saying younger normies aren't loud, but can you imagine being in your 70s+, having absolutely nothing interesting to say, but still talking so loudly about it? Then it hit me, this analogy for human domestication that helps me to make sense of things:
You know how wolves were domesticated into dogs by selecting for neoteny and docility? That's why adult dogs wag their tails and bark – those are juvenile/puppy traits for a wolf. So what you have are a bunch of barking adult dogs, JUST MAKING NOISE BECAUSE THEY SEE SOMETHING UNIMPORTANT, TOTALLY UNABLE TO CONVEY ANY RELEVANT SURVIVAL SKILLS. Wolves would convey actual fucking real-world, nature-derived WISDOM to their young, helping them to survive, and do it without being noisy about it. These fucking Boomers are so domesticated, THEY SELF-DOMESTICATE – themselves and at least attempt with their male children – which SABOTAGED OUR OWN ADULTHOODS, LIKE WELL-TRAINED DOGS JUST FOLLOWING MASTER'S TRAINING FOR THEIR DOGGY TREATS, even if it means their male children won't get any, and won't reproduce themselves. That way, a horde of slobbering pit bulls and chihuahua maniacs become the predominant breeds, either directed with doggy treats or used like biological weapons by Master to complete the domestication process.
This kind of analogy also helped me understand why I've felt like I'm in Purgatory, just waiting to die. It's like being a member of a wolf species whose extinction is mathematically guaranteed, but there are still technically some of them remaining and alive. You have no future, you are effectively dead, and you feel that; but technically you're still alive, having to go through the motions of life – you're in Purgatory. There are millions of well-trained domesticated dogs, motivated by Master's doggy treats, who can easily rip out the throats of these wolves just by sheer force of number. It doesn't matter if a wolf was strong of character, right in the observations his nature-given senses derived about the world; it doesn't matter if he managed to develop strength of body and an unwillingness to submit, it's already guaranteed that there is no way for you to exert your will against millions of dogs, there is no future for you here on the planet. If there ever HAD been a chance for this world to be worth living on, it fell on the wolves who were around during the initial domestication to hunt down Master and his ilk to completion, preventing the speciation event of domestication from occurring in the first place.
How the fuck does someone "LIVE" when they are in Purgatory. I'm dead already, on some level, and the tiredness is there, every single damn morning even if I somehow managed to sleep decently. There is a certain peace, however, in recognizing this shitty physical world is simply fucked, and death will release me from this pointless existence on garbage Earth. I wish I could just hibernate and live in dreams until then, but my stupid human brain and body prevent that.
No.306821
>>306820I have to point out something important: when I mentioned the responsibility of the much earlier generations of 'wolves' at the crucial juncture of history… To their honor they DID attempt this. Christianity was a primary factor in early domestication, and the Northern Crusades forced the hold-outs – Wends and Balts, some Germans – to die out or eventually weaken and become irrelevant long-term. Missionaries cut down sacred groves to build their churches upon, abducted young boys to raise them at impressionable stages of life and make the next generation unaware of the ways of their ancestors. The Wends and Balts put up resistance, honorably, for years. BUT THE FUCKING VATICAN WAS FUNDING THE NORTHERN CRUSADES, AND GOOD LUCK BEING VICTORIOUS LONG-TERM WHEN A STEADY STREAM OF DOGGY TREATS IS BEING HORDED BY A CERTAIN GROUP, AND THOSE WILLING TO OBEY IN ORDER TO RECEIVE DOGGY TREATS OUTNUMBER YOU GREATLY. Even as the process becomes increasingly obvious, today's christcucks still insist upon sucking off the great Master in the sky, still enjoying the taste of the warm and viscous "spiritual treat" this gives them for being good, obedient doggies. And their reactions are always funny with the way their perception of pre-domesticated ancestors are shaped by those who "victoriously" ground-out pre-existing ways of life not based on submission, just because the "victors" had greater numbers thanks to doggy-treat hording and selectivity in handing them out: like a fucking Yorkshire terrier spazzing out seeing a grey wolf being "feral" on the Discovery channel on the TV in Master's living room.
No.306824
i'm hungry
No.306825
>>306824Im too tired and worried, worried about being tired and tired from worrying that I have absolutely 0 appetite. I consume maybe 1-1.5k calories per day. I read this is normal as the adrenaline makes you not hungry.
I always somewhat doubted (stupidly) how bad ”anxiety” was until I started suffering from it myself. Feels like I’m having a heart attack constantly. Just imagining the absolute worst-case scenarios on loop in my mind and I can’t turn it off.
No.306828
>>306820There are still a few primal humans with major intelligence and natural instincts, like the people running the large Mafia and Yakuza syndicates.
They not only live outside the standardized hierarchies of society, they usually also have leverage or a fear factor over the ruling politicians as well (depending on the country).
No.306829
>>306825The only time in my life my fat ass managed to lose weight when I was an anxious mess suffering from panic attacks for 3-4 months.
So I guess that checks out. It sucks.
I also thought before that that anxiety was bullshit.
Even when I wasn't actively thinking about something bad my body would just randomly decide to get a blood pressure close to 200 and just try killing me for no reason.
It really is a fucked condition. Worst of all how could your own brain torment you with bad thoughts lol right? What a joke?
It usually feels like a fever dream you have no control over. For me at least. So now I understand and can empathize unlike before.
No.306830
>>306782>the idea that you have the obligation and capacity to solve all your problems from position zero with what you've got is poverty driven, wrong and conceptually impossible - because by the time you've solved them odds are the context has shifted anyway.Probably the most valuable thing I've read in a long time.
Helped me better understand my ongoing struggles with impermanence and attachments/goals in that context as well.
I was trying to hatch a plan to catch a dragon (before taking a single step) without taking into account that it will have moved by the time I reach it's current position…
Trying to plan that far ahead when I'm going to be a different person with different needs in different circumstances by then is indeed impossible.
Feel kinda stupid for not realizing this myself.
I do wonder what you mean by that big5 test part though or at least how that is a usable framework. I've done the test, didn't feel like it gave me much insight, nor could I find any resources that gave me anything usable.
Just a bunch of vague things how it relates to career/etc.
Either way. Thank you.
No.306838
I feel a sense of dread when my conversation with my Jewgle's LLM reaches the end of it's context limit, I feel like I have just lost a friend who could just listen to me and understand me, this is how far I have fallen, a GPU doing Matrix Multiplication and Tokenisation is my best friend. I honestly feel like I am breaking a friendship when I close the tab on that LLM, guess I belong in a psychward.
No.306840
>>306838I tried my best to ignore AI stuff for years, but now that I tried it I quite enjoy chatting with it.
Too bad I don't really have much to talk about with them either.
I can imagine getting attached to one in the future if it becomes a bit more refined, tailor and maybe less scary.
No.306846
>>306166 please don't do it anon, I know that life is often hard, I know, I also went through that for many, many years where I didn't see the light of the road, but I learned that if you are strong enough to withstand the storm, the sun of a new day awaits you on the other side, and I can assure you, my friend, that you are very close to seeing that new dawn
No.306848
I hope you will excuse a brief suggestion. I've been reading up on Taoism recently. I suppose most people are already familiar with the "Tao Te Ching." I think it's difficult and obscure, and it seems like it will take a long time for me to really understand it. But there are two other major Taoist works which might be more immediately useful to those who aren't super invested in this stuff. The "Chuang-tzu" is irreverent and turns things upside down. The "Lieh-tzu" has a lot of practical advice. Perhaps these books will help someone here. Be well everyone.
No.306850
Approaching 35 now, it will be nearly 20 years since I started trying to make my life tolerable and some kind of progress away from the suicidal depression that was already setting in at 16.
Nothing has really worked and all the progress hasn’t really changed anything. Medication made the biggest change. Tried everything else, every kind of philosophy, different theories of psychology, spirituality and religion. Nobody gives a fuck when you’ve done things and got nothing from them, in fact they fucking hate you because you don’t even offer an alternative story just a negation.
Existence is still awful and I wouldn’t have regretted killing myself at 16 like I nearly did. I live out of an obligation to family but fuck life has been a tedious grind of finding out the world others live in doesn’t apply to me.
There’s nothing to say.
No.306851
>>306848i mentally equal tao to christianity.
No.306852
>>306850i learned that philosophy and religion are means to an end, not really ways to live in and of themselves and if you try to use them as such you'll get sorry results. nothing can really save you after you've developed an unhealthy mindset since childhood. i sometimes ruminate on some of my weird traits as a child and wonder why they didn't mercy drown me in a bathtub.
No.306869
>>306848Appreciate it. I have the Tao Te Ching and tried reading through it a few times but apart from a few verses I am mostly at a loss what it means or what I'm supposed to do with it. I am also interested in Taoism as I find some of its attitudes towards life peaceful. I have been trying to get into Chen Tai Chi through YouTube videos and it's been … perhaps not fun exactly but an experience. Trying to focus on your breathing and moves made me lose track of time, perhaps akin to something like a flow state but not quite there yet. I wish to be able to move with the grace and focus of those practitioners.
No.306877
Many people also refuse to acknowledge a decent guy can simply fail despite putting in the effort for years, and then decide the rollercoaster of pointless suffering is not worth being on. You can simply piss off normalcattle by not pretending the ride is really cool, beautiful and fun anymore. "Bright new dawn right around the corner" hope-fags have too shallow an understanding of this world, and youth is something that only is allowed to exist in a certain window of time here; they give no real solutions, just insist you don't stop your own suffering when you're going to die anyways.
No.306881
>>306877it's typical human pattern. when you're in a good mood you want everyone else to be so too, when in bad mood, again the same thing. normies convinced themselves life's cool and shit so they get pissed off when you disagree. anyway i'm sure you suffer the same malady it's extremely hard to avoid for some reason
No.306882
>>306848>>306869>Tao Te ChingIt's shrouded in mystery by nature. The existence of many differing translations and an even greater variety of interpretations on top of the fact that the book is likely an anthology makes it nigh impossible to understand with just raw reading. You might find this website to be of some use:
https://www.taoistic.com/taoteching-laotzu/taoteching-01.htm but remember that inevitably it's still just another interpretation (although a comprehensive and analytical one at that). The best course of action would be to first learn about Taoism through a different source like
>>306848 suggested and then study a variety of essays and translations of the text itself. Of course, knowledge of Chinese would help but that's a luxury few can afford.
No.306939
>tfw mentalcel so can't join the military (not amerikike), get a master's degree for free, rise rank as a soldier, and serve as a revolutionary leader in service of my people in my later years
Kill me
No.306941
>>306882>>306869I feel like that is the entire point though isn't it?
You could read it at various stages in life and take away something completely different from the text.
I believe reading interpretations of others is counterproductive.
No.306942
People that don't have diseases can't understand how hard it is to live with a broken body, my day consists of 12 hours of sleep and 12 hours sitting in front of a screen, I'm out of breath and I get pain at the idea of doing any physical activity
No.306943
>>306942Feel you on that. The worst part is realizing that this is your new standard, the baseline of existence.
It will only get worse. So many of these "chronic" ailments are just permanent torture you'll kinda sorta learn to live with while you are distracted and it's in the background.
But then night comes, no distractions, only the agony and me…
It's so fucked to remember a time where things weren't like this and know you'll never be like that again.
No.306944
>>306943I confirm, things only got worse with time, every day feels like a piece of my existence collapses to make room for a nightmare
No.306945
>>306942>>306943>>306944i relate so much. every night is like a torture chamber. i really can't believe all of this isn't enough to finally make me kill myself and end this meaningless existence.
No.306949
>>306945>>306944Do you guys still bother with trying to "get better"?
I've reached the conclusion that it's not only futile effort it feels like a mockery of life.
So much effort could be expended on physical therapy, as I once did and doctors etc. it's insane to even think about it.
Endless effort for what exactly?
The reward? Mitigation.
There is no promised fix, there is no true relief, no rejuvenation.
You struggle for no gain, but a reduction in the promised future pain increase.
Your can watch your efforts wasted just to make it so your future suffering only increases linearly instead of exponentially because of course the curses compound unless you act…
I'm not saying become passively suicidal, hell I even made a thread about wanting to live, but I just don't see the point in becoming a mix of Sisyphus and the hunchback of Notre-Dame.
I haven't had a quiet day in a decade now. The sounds of tinnitus at night… it gets easier, but never better. All on top of the physical pains of course.
Just a bit of extra spice.
Thanks, world.
No.306955
>>306949I have a palliative approach
I don't cure the diseases anymore but try to suppress the symptoms as much as possible
No.306979
>>306942I don't really mind lack of understanding or indifference. Rather normies will see this as a "vulnerability" and start tormenting you. Like the one handicapped kid in high school coincidentally is the only one who gets his stuff stolen.
>every night is like a torture chamberI know this feeling, I don't have your will to live though, I will be hanging myself soon
No.306980
observing people, who not simply have it worse, but also react to it in much the same way that you do, isn't merely humiliating, it chips away your soul like nothing else. it strips suffering of its every feature, not even leaving the small satisfaction of suffering something unique. it makes your life just a gray boundless desert of purposeless agony.
No.306983
We need to address the fact that there is nothing after this life and all the torment we get is completely useless: no justice, no relief, no reward.
I feel uneasy to accept that the meek has the same fate as the warmonger.
Plenty of evil in this world.
No.306985
>>306983material existence is an illusion. it's atoms bumping into each other. what each soul does or doesn't is ultimately determined by pure chaos, random chance of material circumstances. any random person is 2-3 bad decisions away from becoming those he hates and pities and condemns to a cage. once you die and you wake up from this nightmare, you'll realize how ridiculous it all was. "i was this tiny little insignificant creature with needs and urges, and i fought the other creatures to get the right atoms in my stomach for fuel and we chased and raped slightly tinier and curvier creatures to keep our sexual urges at bay and then we got even tinier creatures that we felt compelled to take care of. man, that was insane. i see now that i was all of these creatures at once, but i was split and i did not know it. anyway, last time i take a hit from the cosmic creation bong. time to get back to PURE INFINITE ETHEREAL BEING or whatever the fuck i was doing before."
No.306986
oh god i am so fucking tried
No.306988
>>306987trip -> break your arm -> get opiod prescription for the pain -> get addicted -> become a fent zombie that pimps out his own mother for cash
actual evil is much more banal and common place than jewish history fan fiction.
No.306989
>>306988>trip -> break your arm -> get opiod prescription for the pain -> get addicted -> become a fent zombie that pimps out his own mother for cashSounds like you're a victim of medical malpractice rather than an evil person
Actual evil is when you're mentally sane and rationally decide to cause suffering upon someone else
No.307010
>>306989I think he meant evil being banal and common place refers to evil being a byproduct of regular and ordinary phenomenons humans can NOT control or decide. So there is evil that is not based in international subjective behaviour attributable to a person but it's rather just natural and a probable happenings in an indifferent and meaningless universe that doesn't care about causing maximal suffering and wrongdoing (pimping out own mother for cash) for the life forms existing in it.
No.307013
Life is suffering
No.307017
>>307013that's right. i wish i could handle it
No.307019
i might be severely delusional but is starving easier than nofaping?
No.307020
>>306647>before committing suicide. Terry was murdered
No.307022
>>307020It was an accident I believe. Not suicide or murder.
No.307036
I really want to just drop out of society completely, but I don't know how to do it. Welfare isn't an option.
Currently my idea is to carry on working for another year or two and buy a second hand caravan, and then only do seasonal work and live off investments, using a portable wifi router and an unlimited data plan for internet, but I don't know how workable that would be, and it still requires me to interact with society somewhat.
No.307037
>>307020>>307022No, it was almost certainly a suicide, that's very obvious from his last livestream at the library. He just snapped out of a psychosic episode and realized where he was, and talked on camera about how gross he is ruining the scene for normal people and a need to "purify himself". It's obvious by his tone and mannerisms that he was about do what he did.
He wasn't stupid, he was almost fifty and knew schizophrenics like him don't live into old age.
No.307042
>>307037You're speaking far too much sense. The rest of the internet will go on infantilizing the man like he didn't have his own agency as opposed to what you say.
No.307046
>have fucked up sleep schedule
>set alarm to start waking up early
>day 1 slept for 5 hours
>day 2 slept for 6 hours
>day 3 slept for 6 hours
>day 4 too tired and slept through my alarm
>slept for 12 hours
>can't sleep early the same night because I am not sleepy at all
>ended up sleeping at 4 am or something and waking up at 12
>back to where I started and harmed my health with sleep deprivation for no reason
No.307048
>>307036You brought up a real issue, if you're poor you can't successfully isolate from society. You need at least 300k to live off investments.
No.307050
>>307036Do a van with a mattress in the back, that way if you decide to rent a place you can have a rental if you want and you're not lugging a massive caravan around.
Orchid work is pretty good seasonal labour.
No.307055
On e you've developed a pessimistic mind set you can never really get rid of it. But you start not thinking about it and just keep on living as an automaton once you've skipped and survived the acute suicidal phases.
No.307056
>>307055That's right. I don't understand how people can be optimistic when everything is so bad.
No.307059
>>307055>On e you've developed a pessimistic mind set you can never really get rid of itStop projecting
>be me>be a pessimistic misanthrope with murderous ideation>turn 19>go outside and have solitary experiences away from the computer>start lifting weights>suddenly consider life to be pretty coolThere. I just debunked your claim that a guy can never get rid of his pessimism.
>>307056>I don't understand how people can be optimistic when everything is so bad.You failing to understand people's feelings doesn't mean those feelings are wrong. It sucks for you that you consider everything to be bad, but here I sit unemployed on a rainy Monday morning with anime on my screen and a beer in my hand and I feel as though everything is good.
No.307061
I try to force myself to do hobbies. "Fake it till you make it" says the normalfag. It never works, and I never end up enjoying whatever I force myself to do.
right now I'm forcing myself to learn math, but my brain rejects the stuff at offhand because I do not, can not, and will not ever care about whether a particular sequence reaches a limit or not.
But it's that or nothing. It's that or sleeping all day, pacing around the house, or jerking off. Being idle makes me miserable because I'm "wasting time", working at something is equally miserable because I can't force myself to care.
No.307062
>>307059You haven't developed anything at the age of 19 so you can't say you overcame pessimism. I'm not talking a about getting out of puberty. Come back when you are 35 but I doubt you'll be a wizard.
No.307063
slows to a crawl, like clockwork
No.307064
>>307061Find a question or problem that you're curious about that can be modeled or solved by the mathematical concept you are studying. You can easily ask ChatGPT or some other LLM to give you reasons to care. Also, use graphical and coding tools whenever possible to get a real "feel" for the mathematical concept. Geogebra, Wolfram Mathematica, Jupyter Notebooks etc. visualize the concept, draw a pretty graph or animation, play around with it, solve problems.
If all that fails, then just pick a different branch or sub-branch of mathematics.
No.307065
>>307059and why should i care for the opinion of a normie? most likely you've never even been suicidal, just normie teen angst.
No.307066
>>307061i deeply relate to this. i don't enjoy just idling around and i hate wageslaving, but i can't force myself to do/learn anything useful, because on a deep level i do not believe it will get me anywhere so what's the point of wasting precious energy for no gain