/dep/ - Depression

>>307510
>>307511
People don't like things and won't bring awareness to them if they have no use to them and society. Like someone going through cognitive difficulties isn't going to be able to sink into society. Most people show only performative sympathy or trying to help over things like famine and mental health. Or maybe i'm wrong i can't think right now because i'm retarded. And just as you mentioned i have cognitive difficulties aswell. Lack of social interaction also worsens cognitive decline, read it somewhere.

not wanting to work is valid. labor is a waste of life when the only reward you have for it is a rent shack and some consumerist shallow entertainment like computer games which are all almost exclusively third rate shit these days.

Honestly living in the third world the biggest thing I hate is how much big pieces of shit the people are when it comes to owning cars, my retarded "father" is literally a faggot.

He has a 20 year old car with a timing belt that screams every once a goddamn weak wanting to be changed, but here's the thing the moron actually believes it's a good sign. While driving in the rains and in slight puddles, water wasn't even enough to touch the exhaust of the car, let alone get in the intake the car was struggling. Some cylinders weren't firing cause the belt was slipping causing some issues with the electrical system and engine was jerking and the moron looks at me and tells me it's happening because I don't know how to dump the clutch.

And he actually started shouting at me as if abusing me growing up wasn't enough, the way some people treat their cars is unbelievable, now if I go to this moron and tell him that a 300 rupee timing belt is way cheaper compared to a 30000 rupees engine-work, the moron just goes ahead ands says "I have been driving for decades, what do you know? If the belt had to snap it would've snapped way earlier but it didn't which means it's still good, and you don't know a damn thing about cars".

Words do not describe how much I truly hate faggots like him, he clearly had the money to buy a car two decades ago when he did, and this is how he treats it, while as someone who is unemployed my entire life-goal is to buy a car, believe it or not where I live Toyota Camry is practically a luxury car. If you were to ask me why I haven't killed myself and that is solely because I want to buy a good car. Not that I will ever be able to, but gotta love that faggot, ruined the complete cheap little Hyundai car that he bought. There is nothing else that I would like in my life then to beat the absolute living crap out of this idiot, but here we are. I truly, from the bottom of my heart hate my father. And most normies in my country keep cars like he does, well actually not most but this idiot certainly does.

I do understand it's not very wiz like to engage in consumerism and pleasures like owning something made out of rubber, glass, and metal. But the thing is I hate my life, not because normies said so but I do.

I feel like I am doing everything and nothing to get out of the position that I am in. But god do I really REALLY HATE MY FUCKING FATHER.

>>307223
I've almost always hated summer (well, the sun really) as it's antithetical to my life. It implies happiness and good things and I'm not that and have none - very edgy and contrarian, wow.

>>307586
I am so sorry you got a father somewhat similar to my father.

Mine though my attemt to hug him was actually a bad sign so from that day, I am no more the person I used to be. Sometimes I think it was some really weird incident that involved (w)hacking reality just to made me suffer.

>>307388
>People around me seem to articulate their thoughts and emotions quite well.

I notice this too and it bugs me but if they've had contexts where they've actually been allowed to articulate their inner thoughts and those thoughts were accepted it makes complete sense they can and we can't.

Also, if they've been in those contexts often, then the thoughts they experience are themselves going to be more boilerplate and template-y and more acceptable, ergo things compound and they retain a relatable baseline.

This is probably not unlike learning an artistic skill and developing a shorthand or visual library, only it's made up of thoughts and feelings which coalesce in the middle of a sort of experiential Venn diagram of normalness.

Imagine normalguy 1a) tells normalgirl 2b) his dog died. This is a very socially acceptable and workable problem for normalgirl; express condolences, relate with when my_dog died, both parties feel good having their own internal world and experiences reflected back through the other. Instead, let's say weirdguy 3c) tries relaying his feelings of deep-seated alienation and melancholy to either of the above parties — it won't work, for obvious reasons.

Isolation is like quicksand, the further down the sinkhole you are the more alien and twisted your thoughts and experiences become, making it progressively harder to relate to people or get yourself out of it, so you get more lonely and the process loops.

Today at work the door was left open to the office and I heard people outside laughing and having fun, and I got pissed off and jealous; pissed off with myself for being such a broken wreck of a person, hating myself and being incongruent with everything, and jealous of the fun they were having. Could anyone there relate to that? Unlikely, and they'd probably think I'm a bad, strange little man for experiencing an overwhelmingly good thing like laughter with scrouge-like despondency.

It'd be almost impossible for me to articulate this to anyone so I don't. My thoughts and emotions are too maladapted to be shared but like any person I *want* to share them, to have my experiences validated by another fleshy meat bag, but no good can come of it, so I don't. The good news is it only takes one slightly embodied and seemingly genuine human-to-human interaction to pull me out of it, but this only helps briefly and the juxtaposition hurts more.

I have in the past expressed how I feel about certain things only for it to be dismissed and even ridiculed, so that stops me too — even from people with largely good intentions who were trying to help. You might say things and get a long pause, or they redirect it back in a way that misses what you were saying, or reduces it. That feels worse than staying bottled up. You tried and got dick. It reconfirms what you were suspicious of in the first place; you are other-than and alien and there's "no language in (y)our lungs" (like that XTC song).

>>307591
tl;dr but if you just want your opinions accepted simply express the normalnigger opinions and watch them approve you.

emotions are void my wizbro. they have no essence, they're just stimuli that inform you about the events. process them, dissemble them to their core, make conclusions, move on. there are no reasons to articulate or even voice them. niggers do it for social signaling and other social rituals. if you know what emotions are and what they consist of, you can plausibly fake them to participate in whatever social ritual you need to.

your desire to articulate your emotions is just a sign of your lack of self awareness. develop your metacognition better.

foids laughing smugly trigger some maniacal compulsions in me

>>307596
Their laughter isn't geniune. In fact, they laugh to hide their negative emotions. They are fake in everything, their friendships, their niceness. I've spent 4 years in univercity with mostly succubi. They are horrible creatures.

>>307595
I always thought of emotions as judgements as it is perceiving and judging the situation oriented towards you.
Like someone depressed can be happy they get a deadly cancer while most people will be sad and have other negative emotions

>>307589
I feel the same way and worse where I live there are no such things as child protective services either.

Woke up from a dream that made me want to kill myself.

>>307601
What was it about? I find even nightmares sometimes are better than this life.

Feeling like hammered shit all out of sudden.

Is the contrary to being depressed the absence of it not necessarily happy, just emptiness?
There were some (very few) things bothering I managed to get off my chest yet all I got was a plain and simple "There is no room for celebration either. It was your obligation to do so".

Thinking about giving up

thinking about giving it another shot

>>307615
think about giving it a wipe

Will venlafaxine + mirtazapine help me go to work? Or what would be best for me?
i have severe depression with almost zero energy — I currently can’t work and need to become functional again.

Past meds:

Venlafaxine (300 mg) → 15h sleep, emotional numbness, no motivation Amitriptyline (150 mg) → only thing that made me functional (could study, handle tasks), but intolerable side effects (BP, cognitive issues) Fluoxetine → helped anxiety and ideas of reference, but after ~2.5 months caused strong apathy

Tried multiple SSRIs, milnacipran, antipsychotics, mood stabilizers — no success.

Limitations: Stimulants and bupropion are not available in my country, MAOIs also not an option.

Current prescription: Venlafaxine (~225 mg) + mirtazapine (30–45 mg)

Questions:

Is this combo likely to improve energy and functional ability (working) compared to venlafaxine alone? Or does my past reaction suggest I’ll likely get the same apathy again? Are there alternative strategies I should consider given my constraints?

Its been like a week since I started taking l-theanine. Some short findings about it. The 2 most noticeable things have been that my stress tolerance, physical at least seems a bit higher, consistently. That is, I can walk around without food or water, against the clock, sleep 1-3 hours and NOT feel like im fucking dying. I do feel like shit obviously, but my heart rate doesnt shoot up and my chest doesnt feel uncomfortably tight anymore. The other thing is, im the guy that wrote about dealing with fetish/addictions above yeah eheheheh, yeah… uh, the intrusive thoughts are quiet now. IF I indulge in it, it comes back, but otherwise theyre not 24/7 torturing me. Unfortunately, the mental focus improvement has plateaued, le good ol adhd scatterbrain has come back, probably my fault for still not cleaning my room and not sleeping as I should. Fuck I actually missed some payments and purchases yesterday. Another positive is oh my fucking good music sounds SO good now. Something unexpected is that now if I force myself to coom, my orgasm is very(very!) dull and dry, would that indeed point towards an involvement of unregulated gaba/glutamatergic system? I guess so.

>>307632
>Something unexpected is that now if I force myself to coom, my orgasm is very(very!) dull and dry
I believe I replied to your posts in this thread, I am a fellow gooner with this addiction. It is not connected to theanine or any other stuff. It is called 'a flatline' and it's a direct consequence of GOOOOOOOOOOOONING a lot. Your fetish thoughts are gone and they will be gone for 2-3 weeks as well as your libido and COOOOOMing potential.
It will pass the longer you abstain and then return again whenever you GOOOOON to much. Sorry to say wizard, but you are unfortunate to experience the side effects of gooning no one really mentions aside from nofap and semen retaining people.
It will pass though.

>>307620
No meds will help you wiz. Boring answer, but fix your diet, go outside and work out.

>>307635
>fix your diet, go outside and work out
That is it actually. Ever since I began seriously working out (5 sets every 2 days) eating properly + taking vitamins I feel like a new wizard. Join us powerwizards.

>>307635
This. In my particular case, ~3000 IU doses of vitamin D3 seem to help me with a my guts, my brain fog* and agression/butthurt issues.

Also, Mg pills.

Also, cook more eggs (inb4 you're lenting). If you love carbs and tired of basic eggs, try rice omelette aka "omuraiso", it tastes surprisingly great for something as simple as microwaved rice on a frying pan with eggs added atop of it.




*won't save you from the brain fog if you had a night of bad sleep

Considering buying 20 g of kratom after 5 years of abstinence. I want to help my brain to fully reflect my situation. Kratom would enable this in the past. I'm just really thought lazy the last year's, like I just don't really care about things, I haven't done anything meaningful productive for myself ever since stop using it. Even when the psychological withdrawal stopped and I didn't think about it in years I didn't so anything productive other than work eat and sleep.

>>307638
>kratom
God fucking damn it i want some too. In this shithole those niggers in power banned in and cracked down on the dealers real hard lately, no way to buy it unless you want risk being prison raped or blackmailed by cops. Only thing I can buy is hirsuta which is like 5% of kratom's power.
I was an addict for 3 years. I had some hellish times as well as heavenly, blissful, wondrous days.
If you can control it can be a powerful tool. I couldn't though but that was fine. It was worth it for me.

>>307633
Oh I know what a flatline is, actually thereve been two instances in my life when I went over a whole year without fapping. I know what a flatline is and I know this is not a flatline. For one flatlines (at least for me) are more mental than anything, the world feels still and colorless and if I fap during those times everything goes back to "normal" as soon as im done, including the urge to goon more.

My problem as of late is more intrusive thoughts or fetishes rather than gooning itself, if anything the actual gooning urge has been steadily decreasing over the years, its just P without the MO. But I really want to emphasize the INTRUSIVE thoughts part, like literally im cooking or riding the bus and these motherfucker just hit all at once out of nowhere. Also when I experienced actual flatlines, they always came at least 3 weeks or more in after abstinence, while the l-theanine effect was immediate, and with flatlines you look at porn and you go back to usual goon mode, this isnt happening right now.

Im convinced its the l-theanine. Plus I can sleep right after 3 fat mugs of coffee, yeah I know *eye roll* youre sick or anxious and you drink coffee? yeah im retarded what can I say, I just like it so much. By the way im also a heavy tea and matcha drinker so I thought the pills wouldnt have such an effect on me, weird…

Next thing on my Dr. Chud bucket list is high dose Taurine, because apparently its one of the things that can massively help with glutamate excitotocity

>>307641
>with flatlines you look at porn and you go back to usual goon mode
Brother you are wrong. I've had a flatline in April. It hit so hard I was BORED by h-games that made me goon for 12 hours just a month before. It hits differently all the time. No libido all of a sudden - flatline. L-theanine is one of the mildest stims i've ever taken and it's not the cause of libido loss. At least I am really doubt that is the case. Flatlines have different intesity levels, from my experience. I've had those periods of utter numbness, I've had weeks of just zero libido but feeling fine. Lack of sexual intrusive thoughts is temporary but the more you goon now, the more your libido will hide.
>youre sick or anxious and you drink coffee
No, I am the same kind of coffee drinking nigger so I get it. I just use a caffeine containing supplement though, it has magnesium and other stuff, hits harder and yet doesn't cause anxiety. As for taurine, I am not sure those mild substances can drastically affect your life.

>>307643
>No libido all of a sudden - flatline.
Dont flatlines include general apathy and indifference, not just sexual? along loss of motivation from a general "reboot of neurotransmitters" and reward pathways? Thats how I remember it. Now that I think of it, it makes sense believing this from flatlines coming from absolutely exhausting and killing your dick from constant gooning, which wasnt the case at all with me.

>Lack of sexual intrusive thoughts is temporary but the more you goon now, the more your libido will hide.
Almost wants me to force it just to test your theory but eh, maybe later

>L-theanine is one of the mildest stims i've ever taken and it's not the cause of libido loss.
Its not really a stim tho, and I wouldnt say libido loss is whats going on here, sure theres some loss but the part that weirded me out was nutting itself. It feels kinda like a blackhole if you know what I mean, theres no release, nothing, almost like pissing. Like the final part of the cue, routine, reward part just fails. Ive never felt this before, even during my long no-PMO reboots.

>I am not sure those mild substances can drastically affect your life.
Maybe, but it seems safe overall, wouldnt hurt to try.

>>307643
>Almost wants me to force it just to test your theory but eh, maybe later
Don't touch your penis. Don't even think about it.

I really hate my parents and don't even know why they bothered having children. They're clearly two self serving people, who themselves don't get along with the rest of their respective families, and divorced one another and hated each other too.

I just think about how lazy my mother was growing up relative to her absolute crybaby whining. I was never breastfed, never taught to brush my teeth, never showered or washed, never brought shoes, never had bedsheets. I remember the school dentist lecturing me for my poor teeth, but I didn't really have it in me to say I didn't even own a toothbrush. Yet every waking moment of my life was filled with her babbling about how we're the most useless piece of shit children ever and no mother deserves to have kids so horrible. I thought about it recently and asked myself, what did she even do for us? She threw clothes in a washing machine and operated an airfryer (we lived on junk food). Literally 10 minutes of throwing shit into an appliance and pressing an on button. This is for the $200+ dollars extra this useless whore got in child support each week to raise us.

I remember she fucked off to Dubai for a few weeks (with my sister, the boys in the family are too subhuman to ever experience such treats. It's strange how it's only the males that were fed junk food growing up) and was hosted with a real family. Those were the best three weeks of my childhood. I showered, I had clean sheets, I sat at a table to have meals. A taste of a normal life. I was just noticeably happier and got excited about life again.

Actual indifference would've been better for me growing up. It would've been better to have someone who openly didn't care about me instead of riding me for victim and pity points constantly.

The only reason I haven't roped yet is because I'm waiting for these two useless pieces of shit to finally die, simply so they can't have a final opportunity to go ME ME ME all over my funeral.

>>307648
normgroids are just genuinely bad people. they have kids because it gives them an easy dopamine hit, first because of the sex, then because all of the attention they get as parents. that wears off once they realize raising little humans is quite energy and time consuming. then they find other ways of getting their emotional satisfaction, through sadism, narcissism, manipulation, using you as an excuse for their failed ambitions, "i sacrificed everything for this family, if it wasn't for you…". honestly they have no shortage of creativity when it comes to milking what little payoff they can for raising you. and maybe thank god for that because the alternative is abandonment. that's why you in turn are programmed to please your parents despite how utterly evil and disgusting they might be, you'll dance for mommy because the alternative… you get the point.

>>307639
I can buy it legal on the internet here, the national vendors are competing a lot so they really improved the quality and cleanliness control and prices are acceptable. They send it the same day of order through normal post delivery. It really couldn't be easier to get it.

>>307652
> so they really improved the quality and cleanliness
I envy you, even though I remember the withdrawal nightmares. Hogging 100g in a week and then 5 days of suffering… After the ban I still could buy it but the dealers were absolute scumbags who sold the utter overdried garbage with almost no effect for the price of purest kratom ever. There is nothing like kratom in my opinion. 5gs and I am energetic, optimistic, ready for any action.
The ban happened after local zoomers began memeing kratom on tiktok also kratom cafes began to open. It scared the alcomafia so hard they ordered their puppets in the goverment to ban it because it is somehow 'dangerous'. But the danger of it is the fact kratom completely kills any desire to drink alcohol. And they couldn't risk losing profits.

>>307657
That sucks. But at least you won't get tempted to buy and use it so you avoid future withdrawals. I used to take kratom on and off for about 7 years, with longer breaks, but I've my withdrawal experience and it's awful. However I think if I only buy 20 grams (would be a daily amount in the past) I am able to control the consumption. Starting with 2 grams to get a feeling for it if I even like it these days, and then up to 5 grams to see if it helps me to reflect my life and maybe help with decision making.
Writing this out makes me realise that this is probably a bad idea as you shouldn't be dependent on drugs to make decisions as they alter your state of being, better to just use them for recreation or productivity. But he'll I'm really lost these days. I'm at my wit's end.

Its so incredibly bleak how the general experience of being a low status male goes. From birth, most of us are treated like shit by our parents, forcing us to distance ourselves as much as possible or try reaching financial independence. If you go the professional route, as long as youre ugly and uncharismatic youre one fake sexual workplace accusation from homelessness or the gig economy, if you become a merchant youre still one bad review or faggot nigger bureaucratic misunderstanding from major economic loss, if you decide to become self-employed it will take fucking forever to reach a reasonable level of independence and reputation to take hits without issue, if you decide going for a middle ground like what Amazon and eBay have enabled for years youre still one imbecile away from being scammed or having your funds/income frozen. The latter is what happened to me yesterday. Im just kind of done at this point, almost. The way the system is set up is so it protects and enables the lowest common denominator, always. Well not always because those at the very top are the only one immune to this. And you, as the common man are bound to lose, and lose, and keep losing to this trap. Not saying anything new here, just that words cannot express how demoralized im feeling right now.

>>307662
>But he'll I'm really lost these days. I'm at my wit's end
Before kratom I was damn near suicidal wreck. Unemployed, utterly lost. My mother had died a year prior to that. I felt like just slitting my wrists. Kratom allowed me to sit back and realize life isn't that bad, that everything can be overcome. I've been constantly on kratom for a year. Found a job, continued with the hobby I almost neglected. It was good until I became 20g per day maniac and chug it every few hours. The withdrawal… It's hellish. I didn't know how to mitigate it so I just suffered it cold turkey and it was the worst I've ever felt. I don't regret it one bit though. I'd be dead if it wasn't for kratom. Last year I found a way to escape withdrawals more or less by buying grey market pregabalin, even though the kratom was so shit it didn't give me neither that much high nor that horrible lows.
If I were you, I would buy it. Not to make any decisions, but to drink it on the day off or something. Just don't go back to binging. It's a waster of kratom and a way to
create suffering.

>>307663
whoops hit submit earlier

But the real problem is how this lived experience completely asfixiates the ugly low status, often dumb and poor man I mentioned. If you are a normalfag or god forbid a succubus, you can also take these hits with relative ease. Because someone will always have your back, fucking always. The untouchable is trapped in a cycle of misery, resentment and poverty where everytime he tries escaping it by means of the available methods to him, his life is quite literally always hanging by a thin thread held by some barely literate nigger. He becomes angrier everyday, as his efforts are almost futile, and that just sinks him deeper in the quicksands of fighting the world as a disposable element. "Just world" my fucking dick, worse belief the world has ever come with

>>307663
>>307665
You know, I was watching a documentary about some indonesian labourer who works in sulfer mines. He wakes up, walks 1 hour to work, labours 12 hours, walks home and collapses immediately in bed. But he has a loving wife and kids who clearly appreciate the effort.

I don't think the problem is so much being exploited and ground down, as pathetic as it is, men can handle that. The problem is that you're seen as useless as a low status male in western societies, you're seen as not needed. The guy stacking shelves isn't seen as someone noble doing something for his family, he's just seen as a loser.

Obviously this system results in depopulation, and then the cultural replacement of the population, and then the genetic replacement as replacement migration is used to fill the gap. It's why I've stopped giving a fuck about the Sarees and Burkas I see on the streets, or people dressed up like late night Scrooge in oriental pyjama looking outfits. It's absolutely inevitable this would happen.

It's why I think NEETdom is good and I'm glad fail males are dropping out, as pathetic as it is. They want low status males to be sterile disposable worker drones they can treat with contempt, they absolutely seethe at men who have dropped out of society and are indifferent. People think "oh it doesn't matter, they'll just flood the country with replacement migrant labour". But yes it does matter because we've reached the inflection point where the comfy welfare state, single mother divorce raping system cannot withstand the sheer nepotism of third world migrants.

The "Muh trades" thing was always a fucking psyop too. succubi, jews and diaspora indians don't do this work because they're incapable, they don't do it because it's low status. The swindle is getting other gullible retards to do the work so they don't have to.

>>307664
>Kratom allowed me to sit back and realize life isn't that bad, that everything can be overcome.

I know that feeling all too well. It gave me so much intense incredible motivation that I did things I haven't ever done before or after regarding executing my hobby, electronic music and doing amateur compilations. I was really fully immersed and convinced of it at the moment with endless power to proceed doing it. It's really a unique feeling, like I haven't tried other druges than alc, weed, n2o (not proud, wish I never did, probably fucked my brain up long term never touch this devil stuff), kratom, phenibut, tobacco (just gave me head ache), but still kratom is so manifold and distinctive at its spectrum of activity that it gives lots of space for experimentation. But yeah,
>Just don't go back to binging.
have to be careful of that but I think I am prepared to not fall into that trap.

I'm so tired, too tired. I feel like a dying dog, every day I feel weaker and weaker, I purposely starve myself to avoid leaving my room, and I spend the entire day hugging a pillow to my chest and imagining life with 2D foids. I know I'm too ugly and ND to get a girlfriend ever and I feel like I lack a purpose in life since I failed school and I'm out of a job. What now? I don't even have the energy to pickup a proper hobby, I feel like one day I'm just going to lie down and waste away.

everything is porn. a good chunk (i call them junk) of people unironically embrace the philosophy that sex is the essence of life. it's everywhere. human mind has only one dimension - to fuck. i hate this world so much. i don't want to live here

>>307671
I know that feel. I love kratom even if it is a nasty leaf with a brutal kickback. There is nothing like it. Maybe real opiates? But at least you can't croack from kratom.
Also for some reason kratom made me horny as hell but I didn't care about gooning, I just focused this energy and pushed it into drawing. It was magnificent even if it's just a distant memory now. I haven't tried weed or thc stuff in general, maybe I should. Doubt it will bring back that kratom sunshine energy maeng da white gave me back in 2023-24.
Also the dreams on kratom were absolutely wild. I felt like I could planeshift to my fantasies by thinking them.
>have to be careful of that but I think I am prepared to not fall into that trap

Never raise the dose, never take more than once a week, don't let tolerance build up.

I hate Gen X with a passion.

>>307682
why

>>307683
They're cheeky, rude, byproduct of the top scum that are boomers.
Plus they brought me up in this life.

>>307683
My conjecture is it's because they're oh so cynical even though they had it better than generations after them
>>307684
My parents were boomers

>>307682
I've noticed they're pretty hard to work with. The ones that haven't made it still think they're going to make it, so you have to deal with their BS while they walk all over everyone else.

For a split second I forgot where I was.

>>307687
hell is like that