/dep/ - Depression

I realized today that the milk I've been drinking for the past week has been expired for almost a month. Didn't even notice where the smell was coming from or my stomach aches because of my severe brain fog and dissociation.

>>307796
This was funny to read

>>307778
I'll be here in a year to let you all know what it's like, then. Though you're already quite right in that I only visit once every half a year as is.

>>307502
I think his country isn't invaded like yours. Apples and oranges.

>>307820
or maybe because hes some wizkid retard straight out of /pol/: "defend land that is yours" whats *yours* exactly? youre a fucking low status alienated, disconnected male - nothing is yours, nobody cares, theres nothing glorious or cool about being another body for society's "disposable" male meatgrinder. its pathetic on many levels. youre dying to protect succubi who dont give a fuck about you, just to be demonized post-death. failing that youll come back traumatized with limbs missing, having only killed guys forced into the same situation as you.

the only good thing about being drafted is getting the chance to shoot your recruiters or the archetypical hazing strongman posturing losers who bullied you like back in highschool.

>>307821
You either fight on better terms or fight on worse terms. Forced mobilization on occupied territories has been a thing since 2014 and only increased since 2022. Muscovian shelf life is way shorter, up to 12 days. The guys in Muscovy are not forced, they signed contracts to kill, as a result the financial burden was out on Muscovian regions with all negative economical consequences. Succubi actually often fight better than men and there's plenty of them on Ukrainian side. Ukrainians in Crimea were forced by Muscovy to fight in Syria too. If you value your life that much, then you're a privileged failed normalfag who didn't suffer enough.

>>307822
why don't you go grab a snack and take /pol/ elsewhere? you're cringe

>>307822
my life fucking sucks but im not enough of a beaten down wretch like you to glorify throwing his life away for a society that considers you dispensable simply because of your gender.

i dont care when it started retard, blah blah blah, the draft has been a thing for all of history, le russian bad whatever, i dont give a fuck about the politics of whatever side youre on and no wizard should (why care about geopolitics of a world youre outcast from anyway), youre some little polchud wizkid who still thinks falls for this nationalist koolaid like you think it gives you some meaning in life to pretend this shit matters and gives you a little hobby. i heard some stories about russian soldiers contracts being forced to be extended so they had to go fight, im sure thats true and theres always men forced to fight in wars on both sides. its not some cod campaign.

bro is actually falling for muh russian elite female snipers tier feminist pop culture slop about how succubi are better soldiers. "plenty of them" a la cherrypicked propaganda articles you eat up and in any case they werent forced to fight like the men are so i have absolutely no respect for them. its like a white person voluntarily going to pick cotton, its not at all the same context, they arent "better" when they can just up and leave when they feel like it and by virtue of gender arent compelled to go die. this is the only relevant and important part to me and to any wiz - that society says your life is inherently worthless because youre male, and if you subscribe to that notion youre an absolute subhuman loser scumfuck.

if youre enough of a moron to fall for this sort of hurr defend ur country!!!11!! rhetoric then youre a privileged little mong who doesnt have any real issues. a wiz who takes his own life rather than being bloodfuel for the normalfag war machine has 100000x more respect than some drafted bitch boy poltard loser who takes it up the bum and acts like its a good thing. theres wanting to die on your own terms and then being compelled to die because society says you have to. if you dont find that humiliating, youre chopped, as the kids say.

by shitting out this gross rhetoric youre also by extension advocating to maintain a worldview which keeps low status guys like wizards on the bottom rung and fair game to be treated like dirt and killed. i dont like my life but that doesnt mean i want other guys like me to suffer and die needlessly. if they can find a tolerable lifestyle then they should keep that, not be called to die when some faggot strongman posturing politician like shitzensky says so. fuck you.

I never belonged to this world
2 years of anhedonia have destroyed me

I realized how much of an embarrassing and cringe person I am. All these social humiliations from the past haunt me, it makes me want to kill myself and it instantly kills my mood. It seems to me that every single moment of my life that was spent in the presence of another human being was somehow painfully embarrassing. I don't know how that is possible, but I struggle to find a positive memory. On a deep level, I am simply not capable of being a real person. Maybe I skipped that developmental stage or rejected it and avoided it until it was too late. Now my "personhood" is corrupt, I have too much evidence that I am a disgusting piece of garbage and I can no longer live with myself. No future accomplishment, no amount of praise will ever fix it. This is who I fundamentally am and it's so deeply painful that it tears my soul from the inside. If you cringe at yourself long enough, you reach a point where you traumatize yourself. There's a threshold for normal human decency and if you the cringe-o-meter passes it, you can never come back from it. "Oh but no one remembers-" I remember. It's burned into my psyche and there's no escape.

>>307870
Iktf

>>307870
my feelings exactly, except i don't have any "future plans". i basically live like there's no tomorrow because i can't care anymore.

>>307870
Me too, that's why I am afraid of posting too often.

I fucked up my wrist from not thinking about my posture in one of the few hobbies that actually made me feel better about myself that I was heavily invested in (drawing) and I'm now paranoid that I messed it up permanently but I am also afraid that if I don't engage in it any longer I will not improve especially since I am at a "cutoff age" where you supposedly stop being able to absorb information as well. Seems like anytime I put effort into something all I get out of it is shit. I'm also not even sure now if the pain is real or imagined as retarded as that sounds because I can't remember what it felt like before I noticed it and if it was there the whole time or not.

Why did it have to be this way? I could have settled with a null but non-tragical outcome, instead I got the worse of it.

I completely threw my life away in the span of a few months. I went from having a relatively bright future to having no hope. I dug myself so deep into this hole. I'm not suicidal just yet but boy would it be nice if a truck driver accidentally ran me over or a mugger would shoot and kill me. It'd solve so many problems if I just died.

>>307889
A person in poverty is always a problem waiting for a solution.

I feel like I can't die just yet because I have things to accomplish, but I can't even remember what they were. And besides, I'm afraid of reincarnation.

>>307889
instead nature will force into suffering this existence for many years yet. welcome.

>>307895
*fix* force you

I'm so bored it feels like physical pain.

meteorism
>>307902
too bad for you. i on the other hand am gonna have a nice and smelly night

Lately I was feeling like "I can't do this anymore, I can't come into work." Then I started reflecting on my life, and I felt like this even as far back as elementary school. "There's school for how many more years? I have to show up every day? I've had enough of doing multiplication tables. I can't do this anymore". It's kind of funny to think about a child being burnt out like some aging salaryman, but also depressing to think how I've been feeling that way for so long. It's like I got an old soul, but not one with wisdom, just a cheap worn out one that was on sale for clearance. How many more days are left in this life? I really can't take it.

I wish I could do gamedev. That's the only way I could ever earn a living and make it out of my parent's house, but my sleep apnea just makes me too creatively impaired to be able to do it. I'm probably just gonna get kicked out one day and die broke and homeless.

>>307912
Exact same anon. I just can't program. It's so painful and confusing like I get completely overwhelmed by any project and lose the ability to focus on it. I can do math to some extent, but programming eludes me.

>>307912
making money with gamedev is extremely difficult, even if you have the prerequisite skills. imagine spending a year or two of your life working on a game, only for it to sell a 100 copies on steam. that's the reality for most indie devs. working in the industry is also pretty bad because studios are losing money on dogshit DEI games that no one wants to play. if you get hired, you have no job security and you'll be working grueling hours for shit pay.

>>307915
he said it was the only way. he didn't say it was a likely way.

>>307918
then he should get a better power fantasy. for me it's being called by the president to be his personal advisor where i only work for one hour and the rest of the time i live like a king playing video games in the oval office.

>>307919
NTA but I really want to just make a video game because I enjoy the idea. But the actual process of making a game is too difficult.

>>307921
nigga, just download unity and fuck around with tutorials. it doesn't take much to get stuff moving on the screen. gamedev as a hobby can be fun, but never turn it into your job. designing and building a cohesive product that will appeal to the average player is genuinely a difficult task, and everyone and their grandma is trying to make it as a indie gamedev so the market is oversaturated with trash.

Came back from College after 3 weeks. I had some kimchi and kraut in jars and was eating them for probiotics. My mom tells me the garage fridge defrosted for some reason and just threw the shit including the fucking jars too in the trash because "she didn't want to smell it"

Are you fucking with me? Because of that shit? She offered to re buy them but it's so stupid I don't even want it. I'm not even mad about the veg being thrown out, you tossed an entire glass jar because of a bad smell??? Why must I be fucked in the mouth by every person in every way

>>307922
I can do the "Fuck around with tutorials" part fine. It's the actually building up a game where I quickly get overwhelmed and give up. To me, structuring that kind of project is too difficult. There are so many moving parts

>>307925
try iterating. make the smallest version of your game, like a single level then just improve it over and over until you get something good. don't worry about structure and clean code, you can always just start over fresh and re-write it with everything you've figured out.

Anyone else have trouble eating.

People I know sometimes make comments about me looking skinny. Don't look anorexic or anything but already naturally slim and don't eat a lot. Been really melancholic lately and while at least do eat healthy, even when I get the slightest bit of anhedonia, a hint of a depressive, lost kind of feeling or, just being simply, meditatively, truly in my own zone attaining no desire to eat and can kind of make me a bit sad being aware of this :/

I think it's cause I'm understanding that it probably stems from people pressuring you to eat your entire meal or pressured to have seconds and thirds as a kid, or others guilt tripping you as if you weren't already taught enough to have gratitude when it's brought up with food each meal. As if implied, that you weren't worth enough for nourishment or were too greedy to be given meals, like it was too much already that's been handed to you. While not growing up in poverty, as an adult I believe it also stems from feeling like having to save money constantly, even if unnecessary and have the resources to have adequate intake. It's like getting into this mode, where you cocoon yourself in hikkimori fashion, thereby keeping in as much emotional fuel, conserving every morsel that isn't needed to be spent, no using energy, mentally, physically, financial, staying as shielded from the outside world from anything that disrupts this inevitable cycle. Again it does truly feel like some weird, nirvana from decay, knowing further out as time passes you become further removed from the normal, socially sanctioned cycle of productive adult living, making it more and more unrelatable to anyone even those who would like to understand your situation. It makes one worrisome as it gets so schizoid and tranquil that I understand it will only transform into something darker further down the line.

>>307935
I don't struggle with undereating but overeating instead. I've been a fat fuck my entire life and I don't know what it's like to not be one. I would not be surprised if I am full of worms and parasites, I seem to get irritated if I don't eat for too long.

>>307935
I'm near anhedonic. Just about the only pleasure I get is from food or rather beverages. So I don't overeat as much as overdrink liquid calories being addicted to sugar.

Same. Food, especially unhealthy food is literally the only thing that gives me pleasure now that my dopamine/serotonin receptors are damaged. I’ve decided to cut it out completely though, otherwise I can see myself becoming addicted to sugar. Been on keto diet for pretty much two months.

I was into math for a while(I wasn't really enjoying but it was eating up time I spend staring at the wall) now I can't even stand to look at it.

Why is life so unbelievably tedious. there's no pleasure, there's not even the comfortable numbing of busy work. It's just this constant "I wish I had something to do" feeling that is forever.

>>307940
Life is only fun when you're good enough at something to be well remunerated or recognized for it OR you're so good to the point it brings inherent pleasure. I respect math, but its rewards are only open to smart people.

It always annoys me to see people who are interested in the same things as me, but who are unbearable.

Every math question I can't solve is another reminder that I am not smart and I'll never be anything special. Just constant humiliation ritual for a late 20s NEET loser who haven't gotten over his "gifted kid" and "so much potential" cope from middle school.

>>307941
I was pretty good at video games (specifically single player games, MP games I am just average) and I never got much pleasure from it. Being good at something doesn't inherently make it enjoyable.

Most normalfags enjoy their hobbies despite statistically most not being good at it, so it can't be just skill.

>>307954
well, there's also the social aspect. people (read: normalfags) like to be included, even if they don't care about the activity at all to do it when they're alone. they might go play chess every weekend at a chess club just because they can socialize with their friends but they don't bother to actually study in their off-time. another sense of reward comes from curiosity and exploration, some people will go into caves just to see what's in them or go travel.

wizzies obviously don't get that kind of pleasure from socializing and we're home bodies, so we're only left with the dopamine hit from a sense of progression, dominating others and maybe if you're lucky, an intrinsic sense of curiosity for a subject. a wizzie might learn something just because it makes him feel smart and superior to others, or he might play a stupid idle game just because he wants to see number go up. pleasure from being good at something also gets a lot more amplified if other people recognize it, but wizzie rarely gets a chance to show off his talents.

>>307957
People who are genuinely interested in math are the luckiest SOBs on the planet. It's the perfect hobby. You can do it alone or with a group, it's free, has unlimited application, and it never runs dry.

I want to love math so bad. But you can't force yourself to love anything. It doesn't work that way

>>307963
typically you gravitate towards interest/lifestyle choices that create congruence between your internal/external worlds

so although you don't love math, maybe there's something else calling you?

If math is your only solace and it's not what you love… i think there's just something blocking you from it

>>307963
genuine interest in math is rare. even among the people that are good at math and study it or do it professionally, it's just a thing they have to do to succeed in their career path. genuine interest is when your mind wanders to it by default and it doesn't tire you out and you use every idle moment you have just thinking about it.

i do wonder if you could cultivate this. perhaps by meditating on math until you can reach some kind of perceptual frame where these patterns become incredibly enticing and compelling. by continually meditating on the question "what would it be like if i was obsessed with math" and trying to pin down the actual experience of it. the people that are genuinely interested in math see something that us regular mortals don't and all these tedious mathematical symbols and equations actually serve a purpose, they are useful tools for them that demystify burning questions and reveal deep secrets.

>>307964
I've always felt I should be into any number of things, but I'm not. The sense of intellectual duty/obligation makes it all a chore and dulls inquisitiveness/wonder. I'm supposed to like the idea of life, but I find I don't like life as it is presented to me at all. You don't choose your obsessions or your gifts to see if they line up. Phil Collins doesn't even like music.
>>307965
>i do wonder if you could cultivate this
You'll just hurt yourself doing something that was never meant for you.

I can't stand the longing, but longing for what I am not even sure.

>>307681
So I had my kratom now, took it in a span of 4 days, using an extract with 50 mg mitragynin. While it was surely pleasant and giving a warm feeling, I completely missed that limitless motivation or any kind of euphoria. So all in all rather disappointing. I mixed the extrat with half a litre of water in a plastic bottle and I must say it actually was tasty, like ice tea, I would drink that even without the kratom effect. This is the complete contrary to what I consumed in the past, where I had this downright nasty kratom taste. But it comes with a high price, it's too expensive to buy regularly, I'll stop using now for at least a month anyway.

Feel like I have to keep lying to myself about everything just to maintain some kind of something. The true grief of my situation would be too painful to bear so these little lies are all I have.

I pretty regularly get these extreme on/off type scenarios in which for a time my lies actually seem plausibly real or at least true in some sense, in that maybe my perception isn't totally off and there's something textured and tangible here - but then things alternate and I get these extremely on the nose messages from the world/life/people which seem custom curated to personally torture me, and that no, in fact, it was all bullshit, and all this stuff wasn't real; you just made it up in your head, to give yourself something to subsist on, and it doesn't mean what you thought it meant.

The veil lifts and there's no way for me to not perceive the thing to be exactly what it seems to be. I understand I'm cynical and biased and hold tons of potentially erroneous and preconceived notions stemming back from childhood which influence my thinking, but at the same time, it's so plain to me? Like 1+1=2 type obvious, of course this is how it is, and your suspicions were entirely justified, and you were an idiot for thinking anything else.

Then cue the mental gymnastics to perceive the thing as not what it obviously seems to be. Take today: some colleagues organized an afterwork event and I wasn't invited. Other people weren't invited either so it wasn't just me, but who cares, I wasn't, and I thought I got on with these people and was part of the team or something, guess not. I could pretend they thought I wouldn't enjoy it or didn't want to pressure me, but I find that an extremely unlikely proposition - they simply didn't really want me there. It's just like school, a popularity contest, nothing changes. Outcast then, outcast now.

And the best part is I get warnings, like I have the thought in my head about this thing which I think might be a mistake "don't put all your eggs in one basket bro" (how when I only have one basket and don't know how to make more?) but I soldier on anyway because I want to *believe* there's something there, though deep-down I know it's actually empty vapid nothing, but do it anyway because I have nothing else. It's always my fault, like everything.

Give it a few days and I'm back to baseline, clinging to these little flights of fancy and blatantly false perceptions - pathetic.