/dep/ - Depression

>>307404
Well shit, this hit home. I've also dealt with the same feeling ever since I've been a kid. The feeling that something is just "wrong", yeah seriously i get it, it's the only way to put it. I've found when the feeling attacks you and changes your entire mind for a moment, you kind of just have to suffer until it goes away. I haven't found any way to forcibly get rid of it.

>>307393
I'm sorry to hear this wiz. When I used to fuck around with modafinil I got extreme insomnia and painful vasoconstruction. I know amphs are different and better though
>>307404
try to pin down more accurately what this feeling and thoughts is ofcourse

constantly anxious things will go wrong due to my behavior. unfortunately this feeling of constantly paranoia is actually proven. Afraid of breaking something important, or doing something so dumb id be in legal trouble. the feeling never goes away unless I numb myself.

>>307430
It's because of the hyper sensible anti-normie society we live in where anything not normie approved will be regarded against you especially things like character, communication, appearance, movement, behaviour and facial or bodily expressions.

>>307431
*Damn I meant anti-reclusive society. My brain is unreliable as always.

Humans were designed to drink and do drugs. There's simply no other means to exist.

>>307436
Peoples' lives tend to be better in all metrics when they do neither of those things.

>>307361
UPD 2
Barely made it to post today after half a dozen or so tries. Whatever causes that problem it clearly keeps getting worse. I have no other choice but to seek help, which sucks because I don't have a car nor can I afford it since I used to be a neet for 10+ years instead of wageslaving. However, the PC still works fine so I will just keep it on 24/7 for a few weeks. Fuck, I should have brought a laptop instead, my old one still works after 11 years.

>>307223
During the colder months I become miserable and during the warmer months I anger easily at nothing. Especially living somewhere without AC.

I just did something im deeply ashamed of. Im quickly and uncontrollably spiraling down the rabbit hole of sexual degeneracy… I dont want to be like this, but it just seems futile. So I will try something else, im just gonna wind down completely, I have yet so many to-do tasks to complete, actually productive and healthy shit. But im just not gonna do that either. No degen, no health, nothing, just me box breathing staring at my ceiling hoping this cursed addiction passes, it will, but it will return with a vengeance eventually

it's been two weeks or so I want to shoot my face with a gun. I think I'm depressed again…

>>307445
ngmi. takes years to condition yourself to be able to btfo these delusional spirals

>>307451
How? I think my problem is the compulsions come back right as im putting effort to improve my life. This seems to be a common problem, guys stress themselves and goon in the worst possible ways to relieve stress, the addiction may go into remission for as long as things are good in their lives but almost like alcohol it takes just one episode for all to crumble down

Ive read some selfhelp and gooning recovery blogs, and they seem to agree that the type of addiction itself is the least relevant portion of it because they all share the same root of filling a void and relieving stress

>>307445
>spiraling down the rabbit hole of sexual degeneracy…
It's because of craving for novelty. A common thing among gooners.
> it will return with a vengeance eventually
They key is not to buy what it tries to sell you. It is easy to stay away from it when you know it will bring you suffering, but when it whispers with waves of arousal, sweetly promising great pleasure, it's much more diffucult. Though i've realized that if you tolerate those whispers without answering, they disappear. The more you ignore them, the less they have sway over your actions.
Although you need to stop guilt tripping yourself. Accept it and move on, don't fight the mills of 'fetishes', they are impossible to get rid of fully, because it's like fighting air and there will never be certainty that you've got rid of them.

idk monkeys goon too when they're bored i think it's not that big of a deal unless it gets in the way of keeping alive which it probably doesn't.

>>307452
through internal dialogue and self analysis. metacognition. you must question the roots of your every action and over the years you'll figure it out. also do some math when you have energy and free time to make your brain more fit. also maybe get into memory techniques for exercise. and remember to not set any quantitative aims such as i'll become this good at that or that good at this. it's gonna ruin you. this is subconscious competition mode and must avoid competition till you're ready what's even more important you must never compete where you don't belong. tldr mind your business. good luck have fun

t. depressed suicidal faggot who's probably just temporary recuperated thanks to some D3 vitamins mmmmm delicious

>>307456
>D3 vitamins
I don't know if it that was it, but ever since I started taking vitamins (multivitamin, zinc+d3, magnesium) I've been feeling much better. I have almost no background anxiety and much more energy.

>>307454
Monkeys also throw their feces at each other. Wanna do it?

Any other person just had their parents and, bewilderingly, their teachers do their best to induce learned helplessness in them growing up?

I remember at middle school our teacher once a week would go on about how every business gets a gorrilion CVs, you'll NEVER get a job, it's basically impossible to get employed anywhere unless you're the best of the best 3%. I remember the effect of it was that people simply stopped trying lol.

Then around 15-18 I got it from my parents. When I went about wanting to do the most basic shit like get a part time job, get employed, move out, get my driver's licence. They'd just constantly neg about how I'm underestimating how hard it is, that I'll fail several times on the test, that every rental has a gorrilion applicants and they'll never EVER accept a teenager like me who has no history….When really it was a control thing where they wanted to be the ones setting up my living accommodation and employment, and then I they could call me "ungrateful" if I ever stepped out of line.

I've noticed it's extremely common with old people now to literally treat their children like potential competition instead of nurturing them, and they're pretty shit-scared of being alone in old age that many would rather have dependent failsons than successful independent children. I've noticed that they themselves dumped their parents at the age of 15, spent their lives talking shit about them, and then suddenly got worried about the same thing happening to them.

>>307457
are you in us eu or elsewhere? just wondering if you got some tips figuring out what exactly i should ask for in the pharma shop because uhh i don't wanna come off as a clueless retard because that will make me very suicidal again

>>307467
>are you in us eu or elsewhere?
I am in a shitholest shilhole, it is located in Europe but not in EU.
>what exactly i should ask
You can start with what i've mentioned. Something with many vitamins at once, d3+zinc (usually they are together, sometimes with vitamin c), magnesium (better buy separately). You can't go wrong with something like that

>>307470
Slavbro?

>>307471
Yes. Prisoner-citizen of a certain slavic (for now) shithole.

>>307470
belarus?

I have to move forward. I don't want to but I have to. There is no other way.

I'll never be happy and that's alright

>>307478
It's not alright, but yeah.

>>307475
I WISH.
Pooukraine.
>>307479
Thanks but things are grim and will be even worse. So far I've managed to survive thanks to distance job but the moment they start going door to door, it's over.

Guess not everybody can have the same things in life…

My toilet leaks. My fucking white throne is impossible to use. I have to shit in a trash bag. I feel wretched.
I will call a plumber in the morning but I dread having a stranger in my house as well as the possibility of needing to buy a new toilet or something. I want to die.

>>307482
why are you not draft to participate to the war and sent to the front line yet?

>>307466
People who were smothered have no fight in them and never get anywhere because all life has been drained out of them.

>>307489
Because I am actively avoiding it.

>>307498
Don't you have any desire to kill? To defend the land that is yours? To drive cool trucks through the mud and shoot guns at people you don't like? It sounds awesome.

>>307485
don't worry wiz it's gonna be okay

>>307500
lmao why don't you go get drafted yourself? there's a bunch of cool conflicts in the near east.

>>307453
>>307453
>It's because of craving for novelty. A common thing among gooners.
Novelty, yeah.. of course. Why and how to stop it is what I must know.

>They key is not to buy what it tries to sell you. It is easy to stay away from it when you know it will bring you suffering
Oh boy do I know about that, I like going on porn addiction and deviant subreddits to read the absolute trainwreck lives of people who dont stop before it gets out of control. I know better than anyone how bad it is. And yet, when arousal comes in its literally worthless. Post nut clarity is a thing for a reason, reason leaves your mind when the dick is throbbing its just how it is man


>Though i've realized that if you tolerate those whispers without answering, they disappear. The more you ignore them, the less they have sway over your actions.
My problem has gradually escalated over the course of 3 years. I can ignore them today, tomorrow, next month. But it always returns, and I always relapse. The biggest issue is how each relapse potentiates the addiction, much like alcohol kindling.

>Although you need to stop guilt tripping yourself. Accept it and move on, don't fight the mills of 'fetishes', they are impossible to get rid of fully, because it's like fighting air and there will never be certainty that you've got rid of them.
Anon nooooooooooooooooooo…. you have no idea how incredibly demoralizing this sounds.

>>307456
>you must question the roots of your every action and over the years you'll figure it out.
I already did and all I discovered was that the only thing that could potentially make my life bearable is money for moving out. That is out of question so the next closest answer was that I MUST kill myself.

>also do some math when you have energy and free time to make your brain more fit. also maybe get into memory techniques for exercise.
"Brain games" have no longlasting effect on cognition, theyre a meme, the only that barely makes a dent are N-back type games. But its a drop of water in the hellfire ocean that is gooning

>who's probably just temporary recuperated thanks to some D3 vitamins mmmmm delicious
See thats the thing, these things help but only temporarily. Since you brought it up first, why dont you tell me about AMPA receptors, glutamate/GABA, chronic inflammation and their role in addiction, OCD and intrusive thoughts in general…

Its so bleak thinking about it and realizing that we may never fully break free from the chains of addiction. However! I aint giving up so easily. Today is the fourth day im on high dose L-theanine (200mg-400mg). Why theanine? Because I noticed with curiosity that the cravings only come back after a stressful day (im trying to run a small online "business" lmao for beer money) where I goon and escalate towards what I fear. Everytime without fail. Today I also decided to take my pills with Zinc and B6 (ive been taking them for months with mixed results). The result? I didnt get sleepy like last time. My focus improved notably but not much. The cravings remained but the reward didnt just feel the same, that is I watched porn but I didnt feel satisfied or anything at all. Idk.

>>307466
My parents were like that but im pretty sure it stemmed more from fear and anxiety than outright controlling nature although that played a part too. My parents pushed me to get my drivers license as soon as I turned 18, I learned and then… nothing happened. I drove here and there, uni stuff from which I dropped out anyway lol. But my parents kept doing that annoying shit where their only input would be fear and avoidance "dont do this it wont work" "dont do that its dangerous"

>to literally treat their children like potential competition instead of nurturing them
The Eternal Boomer. I dont know what went wrong with them but youre spot on, never seen a generation so blatantly ignorant of the concept of generational wealth. Instead of helping you out, they do their best to cap you to "build character" or some utterly retarded excuse. This is what unprecented wealth and prosperity does to a mf, a completely stunted worldview and massive egocentrism. All they did was project their issues on us

>>307504
>"Brain games" have no longlasting effect on cognition
they do if you're consistent enough
>why dont you tell me about
cuz i'm a lazy fuck
>Its so bleak thinking about it and realizing that we may never fully break free from the chains of addiction.
nah you'll be fine i'm sure of it

>>307504
>Anon nooooooooooooooooooo…. you have no idea how incredibly demoralizing this sounds.
Yeah, it is. But there is no other way. I have OCD based on my fetish, years of torment trying to fight it led me nowhere. I accept it now.
Accepting doesn't mean indulging in it though or gooning even further down the spiral. Practice nofap, no porn. And seek within. You will get it.

This makes me irrationally angry.
Well, bedrotting all day and smelling bad and becoming borderline retarded due to cognitive difficulties is also the face of depression, but the face of depression is a high functioning normie who is sad inside :(

>>307510
>Well, bedrotting all day and smelling bad and becoming borderline retarded due to cognitive difficulties is also the face of depression, but the face of depression is a high functioning normie who is sad inside :(
hahahah fucking motherfucker this shit made me laugh alot hahaha bacause… yes, is true as fuck to me.
>becoming borderline retarded due to cognitive difficulties
0 social skills, 0 social connection out of family maybe make up you in a way retard bacause the social part of your brain is fucked and stop working and this just fuck up other part of your brain and…
>This makes me irrationally angry.
Well, the image is the typical media image to normalize that any can have deppresion isn't as obvious as it seems even the normie with some routine and frie…. fuck this bullshit.

>>307510
I'd be really upset and trying to hide it too if some onibabas came to sit next to me on the trolley

I sometimes feel like the world might be great for many people and despite having spent a long amount of time on my own not feeling very happy about life for a multitude of reasons, I still have this inner child-like innocence within me that I have made it my only purpose to try and retain. Sometimes when I imagine life and its many possibilities, I can imagine in my head situations where specific people manage specific things, many of which I would definitely want to have within my life as well. But then I realize that I feel as though my presence within such situations, among these people, would eventually sully or make the context impure or something similar to that. Pretty much what I mean by this is that I realize that life can be good, very good, for specific people and they live surrounded by similar people to themselves and they get along, they are happy, and they feel satisfied with life. I just wouldn't fit in within such a context. I can't seem to imagine myself in any positive situation despite being fully aware of the fact that these situations do exist and happen in the real world. I've come to understand somewhat that instead of me being present in such situations, that instead I should accept that life is about shifting things that change constantly. Transience, as a whole, is a big part of what life is about. I understand that maybe it's not as extreme as I envision it in my mind, there's nothing wrong with settling down somewhere, having contact with people, relationships and similar things to that. But at the same time, I don't really enjoy the thought in itself. I'm having a tough time trying to describe exactly what I feel with this post, but it's as if I have resigned myself from life. And what I mean by that is that; I don't necessarily want to be happy any longer. I'm not going to spend my time feeling bitter about things that happened in the past, I'm not going to feel regret of not doing specific things, I don't want to spend the remaining of my life thinking about how things could have been way better. I don't feel like I want to be someone else. Because in the end, the things I have experienced and the attitudes that I overtime have turned into my own personality, are the very things that define me as a person. So, instead of feeling sad angry or anything like that, I just have to accept the fact that things eventually went as they did and that maybe it was sort of inevitable. I know it may sound like a real cope and that I could definitely try and improve my life, and that maybe it would work out as well. But what I'm trying to convey is that, even if it doesn't go the way that I want it to go, that maybe someone else might have managed what I wanted, someone else filled my position, someone else might have lived some of the things that I really wanted to live. There's some type of recognition of the fact that even if I might not be the one lucky enough to maybe get those things that I dearly want, someone else might. And I guess, in a sense, it just goes to show that it is possible. They are actual possibilities that take place in the real world with specific people, they are able to live what I dreamt of and wanted for so long. These people were suited to live those things, and they live it, and they do their best and perform, things I could never in my entire life aspire to do. It's not like a second hand type of happiness, it's more like that I enjoy hearing about the fact that my dreams are possible for specific people, just not for me. And that's fine. I'm not living vicariously through others and their successes, it's just that some people were cut out to be specific people and have specific qualities to them that made them manage their lives in ways that I couldn't. I'm just trying to say that I am myself, and if being myself means that I'm not able to reach specific things, then that's fine, I don't feel any negative emotion about that. This is not to say that I don't want to try doing things, I'm just not going to feel bad if I fail because if I do then it just means that I'm not the right person for that specific task. And that's fine.

>>307510
>>307511
People don't like things and won't bring awareness to them if they have no use to them and society. Like someone going through cognitive difficulties isn't going to be able to sink into society. Most people show only performative sympathy or trying to help over things like famine and mental health. Or maybe i'm wrong i can't think right now because i'm retarded. And just as you mentioned i have cognitive difficulties aswell. Lack of social interaction also worsens cognitive decline, read it somewhere.

not wanting to work is valid. labor is a waste of life when the only reward you have for it is a rent shack and some consumerist shallow entertainment like computer games which are all almost exclusively third rate shit these days.

Honestly living in the third world the biggest thing I hate is how much big pieces of shit the people are when it comes to owning cars, my retarded "father" is literally a faggot.

He has a 20 year old car with a timing belt that screams every once a goddamn weak wanting to be changed, but here's the thing the moron actually believes it's a good sign. While driving in the rains and in slight puddles, water wasn't even enough to touch the exhaust of the car, let alone get in the intake the car was struggling. Some cylinders weren't firing cause the belt was slipping causing some issues with the electrical system and engine was jerking and the moron looks at me and tells me it's happening because I don't know how to dump the clutch.

And he actually started shouting at me as if abusing me growing up wasn't enough, the way some people treat their cars is unbelievable, now if I go to this moron and tell him that a 300 rupee timing belt is way cheaper compared to a 30000 rupees engine-work, the moron just goes ahead ands says "I have been driving for decades, what do you know? If the belt had to snap it would've snapped way earlier but it didn't which means it's still good, and you don't know a damn thing about cars".

Words do not describe how much I truly hate faggots like him, he clearly had the money to buy a car two decades ago when he did, and this is how he treats it, while as someone who is unemployed my entire life-goal is to buy a car, believe it or not where I live Toyota Camry is practically a luxury car. If you were to ask me why I haven't killed myself and that is solely because I want to buy a good car. Not that I will ever be able to, but gotta love that faggot, ruined the complete cheap little Hyundai car that he bought. There is nothing else that I would like in my life then to beat the absolute living crap out of this idiot, but here we are. I truly, from the bottom of my heart hate my father. And most normies in my country keep cars like he does, well actually not most but this idiot certainly does.

I do understand it's not very wiz like to engage in consumerism and pleasures like owning something made out of rubber, glass, and metal. But the thing is I hate my life, not because normies said so but I do.

I feel like I am doing everything and nothing to get out of the position that I am in. But god do I really REALLY HATE MY FUCKING FATHER.

>>307223
I've almost always hated summer (well, the sun really) as it's antithetical to my life. It implies happiness and good things and I'm not that and have none - very edgy and contrarian, wow.

>>307586
I am so sorry you got a father somewhat similar to my father.

Mine though my attemt to hug him was actually a bad sign so from that day, I am no more the person I used to be. Sometimes I think it was some really weird incident that involved (w)hacking reality just to made me suffer.

>>307388
>People around me seem to articulate their thoughts and emotions quite well.

I notice this too and it bugs me but if they've had contexts where they've actually been allowed to articulate their inner thoughts and those thoughts were accepted it makes complete sense they can and we can't.

Also, if they've been in those contexts often, then the thoughts they experience are themselves going to be more boilerplate and template-y and more acceptable, ergo things compound and they retain a relatable baseline.

This is probably not unlike learning an artistic skill and developing a shorthand or visual library, only it's made up of thoughts and feelings which coalesce in the middle of a sort of experiential Venn diagram of normalness.

Imagine normalguy 1a) tells normalgirl 2b) his dog died. This is a very socially acceptable and workable problem for normalgirl; express condolences, relate with when my_dog died, both parties feel good having their own internal world and experiences reflected back through the other. Instead, let's say weirdguy 3c) tries relaying his feelings of deep-seated alienation and melancholy to either of the above parties — it won't work, for obvious reasons.

Isolation is like quicksand, the further down the sinkhole you are the more alien and twisted your thoughts and experiences become, making it progressively harder to relate to people or get yourself out of it, so you get more lonely and the process loops.

Today at work the door was left open to the office and I heard people outside laughing and having fun, and I got pissed off and jealous; pissed off with myself for being such a broken wreck of a person, hating myself and being incongruent with everything, and jealous of the fun they were having. Could anyone there relate to that? Unlikely, and they'd probably think I'm a bad, strange little man for experiencing an overwhelmingly good thing like laughter with scrouge-like despondency.

It'd be almost impossible for me to articulate this to anyone so I don't. My thoughts and emotions are too maladapted to be shared but like any person I *want* to share them, to have my experiences validated by another fleshy meat bag, but no good can come of it, so I don't. The good news is it only takes one slightly embodied and seemingly genuine human-to-human interaction to pull me out of it, but this only helps briefly and the juxtaposition hurts more.

I have in the past expressed how I feel about certain things only for it to be dismissed and even ridiculed, so that stops me too — even from people with largely good intentions who were trying to help. You might say things and get a long pause, or they redirect it back in a way that misses what you were saying, or reduces it. That feels worse than staying bottled up. You tried and got dick. It reconfirms what you were suspicious of in the first place; you are other-than and alien and there's "no language in (y)our lungs" (like that XTC song).