>>215968i can still imagine despite no audio/visuals though. the main way i imagine things is just feeling it with imaginary hands almost. so there is nothing, it's all black, but i can feel the spaces and shapes all at once. there seems to be a limit to the amount of detail though. a full on person with lots of curvy shapes and limbs and so on is too hard, but a table, geometric things, maps, these are okay
when speaking i have to form the sentence ahead of time, which if i had to describe how it goes, it's like running your hand left to right and feeling words, but you're not actually feeling them, instead the word or concept or whatever becomes fresh in the mind, again without being heard or spoken or seen. and when it feels correct i say it. if it doesn't feel correct, i keep thinking about what to say. i've done what is called 'stream of consciousness', a writing exercise, but i've spoken it aloud and recorded myself and listened to it and it reaches a point where i don't even know what i'm saying anymore and it's all gibberish, but when i listen to the recording, it's intelligible but feels like another person is speaking, not me
it sometimes feels like inside my head i have headphones on and i'm blindfolded, but someone else beside me can see and hear, and is covnerting what they see into sign language or something tactile. so what i'm imagining is like a weird game of telephone where the original thing is converted and passed along. and likewise when speaking and thinking, i feel like a caveman. i originally thought the npc meme was about an innner monologue actually, that something else inside you was simply speaking for you and you just repeated it. apparently npc meme was the opposite, not having an inner monologue somehow. i don't get it really
i'm not at all successful in life and have a painful time socializing even with family, but i'm not autistic or mentally ill or otherwise diagnosed with anything. i wish i could say that despite all this shit i'm actually a millionaire and it doesn't matter, but i have worked for only 3 months in the past decade and i'm really poor. maybe it doesn't matter and this is just how i am, i don't know. i know most meditation techniques are based around visualization which was disappointing to learn, since despite having no inner experiences i was deep into meditation for years. i'm somewhat bitter about the absence of inner experiences, whenever i remember they exist for other people, but mostly it doesn't bother me and it has never caused any real stress. maybe if i started out having them, and then lost them, that could be stressful… but it's like how a blind man can't even imagine what they are missing out on, it doesn't bother me