/dep/ - Depression

>>290811
Wizchan is the only imageboard I still come back to from time to time. It's slow, comfy, and there is nothing that makes me even slightly angry here.

Back when I browsed other IBs I would constantly get into arguments with other users and would easily be triggered by trolling, attwhoring, and asinine shitposting in general. Only one or two threads would be fun or entertaining. Leaving those places has done wonders for my sanity.

nobody is going to read this, its just an embarrassing obnoxious wall of text, im probably going to be banned or shadow banned for spamming. but i like to think a kind angel from heaven will read this and understand it and grant me my wish.
i just hope i can make it. i want to make it so much. ill try but i think its pointless. i think im not going to make it. im very desperate. im very afraid. i would do anything, i would go through hell for a million years if i had to, anything. i just want to draw really nice things. and maybe if possible and time allows it write nice math and make nice music. i want to make it so much. im so terrified that i wont make it. but i really want to.
i feel a lot of stuff and wish i could put it into words but its difficult. im in a very complicated situation, there are a lot of things, i cant put it all into a post. i think im in a very unusual situation, and im very weird, so i wish i could communicate and tell the world how i feel but i dont know the right words. im in hell. i feel like in the ocean abyss, i feel like a wild animal in a cage, it feels like being very repressed, crushed. its despairing, maddening, it hurts, its very painful, agonizing. it feels like being crippled, drowning, like having all the blood drained from my body. i want so much to break out of this cage and just do the things i like. but i just struggle and claw at it and suffer without getting anywhere, and the only comforting thought is imagining, daydreaming, about all the nice things i wanted to do, and daydreaming that maybe in an alternate timeline i made it. i can imagine being so happy and free, like very happy and free, but i cant escape this hell. i just want to break free of this prison. i would do anything. i wish i could properly express myself. i wish i could scream. but im very bad at english. there are just a lot of things. i feel a lot of things and i think i went through weird stuff but i cant express myself well. it hurts so much. im in hell and i cant even say a thing.
i cant do things because it have a very difficult life. like im extremely poor in a very poor country, i can barely afford to eat, i have a very abusive dysfunctional family, i have all sorts of physical health problems, im very mentally ill, im already old, i have a dark stupid past that haunts me, i have bad habits, i live in an awful environment, i dont have enough time, im going to be homeless soon. etc etc. my life is over. i dont want to make excuses i wish i could just do it, like i wish i could just afford a nice drawing tablet its so simple but i cant.
i wish everything i did and said could be forgiven and forgotten. i dont know what happened but i think its not my fault. i dont want to be a bad person. i wish i were a good person. i think i was just very mentally ill. im still very mentally ill but a bit less at least. i wish i had all the lost time back. i just want to draw. i want to draw pretty things so much. every atom of my body. like a stupid fly in love with a light bulb. there are so many things i want to draw. and im afraid of losing my place as time passes. and i want to do math and music too if possible. if i had to explain every reason why i like these things so much it would take a post longer than this. but at the same time its very simple. i just wish i had enough time to do all the things i want. be the best possible at these things, make really pretty and elegant and nice things. there are so many things i want to make. i dont care about anything else. i dont wish i had a family or friends, i dont want to have fun, i dont want money or wish that i were good looking or that i were a normal person or that i could do things everyone else does, i just want to draw, and if possible do math and make music. i wish i were really good, i wont accept being mediocre or even average, i wish i could make genuinely nice things, i wish i were talented. it doesnt matter really because even if i could make excellent things i would still be a bad person, but still i wish i could make them, i wish only the works mattered and not the person. im very glad that i was born capricornian, i want to climb very very high, i want to be excellent, i wish i could do awesome things, but im f*cked in all sorts of ways and cant progress.
im probably going to fail, i think i wont make it. i wish to god i could have another chance. i wish i could go back in time and somehow get started with math and cs when i was like 4 years old. or that i could reincarnate in this same period like from the 1990s to the 2020s. i dont necessarily wish i were born in better circumstances like wealthier or with a supporting family, just that i had the same spirit and were strong enough to overcome all the problems.
im just going mad and in complete despair and anguish. i think i could have been a mathematician and an artist but i didnt make it. i would do anything for another chance, i really wanted to, i wanted to make so many things, it hurts so much, i wish i could still turn this life around, but i think its impossible. i wanted to draw a lot, really pretty things, i wanted to write nice interesting math stuff and make nice music. i wish i could still do so but i think its over. god please give me a chance. please let me succeed. please please please. i wish i could have achieved my full potential. my ideal life would have been like, i would have spent all my free time studying math and cs from age 4 to 18, getting really really good at it, reading a lot of books and papers, programming a lot, do very exceptionally in school, go to a nice university, do well in the university and get a phd in math, and get a job like researching and invest whatever money i make into buying art stuff like a tablet and music equipment and such, invest most of my time into drawing and a tiny bit of making music while doing a bit of research and ocasionally reading a visual novel, something like that, or maybe just affording a drawing tablet since i was a child, something like that, nothing much more really, i dont know. i wish i could still do something like this but it just seems too late. i just want to draw. i want to draw so much. i wish i had a chance. i dont want to do less than the best possible that i can make so im waiting for things to improve significantly so i can make the best possible things but its not going to improve and even if it does by the time it does it will be already too late.
im just a mentally ill subhuman freak monkey unimportant abomination retard loser cringe bad person horrible spammer. i feel something and i believe, i want to do things, but im in a complete mess. i think theres just nothing i can do anymore, im checkmated, this life is just a mistake, i wasnt supposed to be born, its just a mistake, i probably should be glad i at least have this spirit even though i couldnt make proper use of it. i just wanted a lot to draw, i wanted to draw so much. and maybe do math and make music. i wish i had lived my life properly, i think i could have done so many things and i could have been a decent person, i wanted to go very far but i got myself into a hole and i think i cant get out of it now. i wish so much i had lived my life the right way, i would do anything for another chance, i think its not my fault that i ended like this, i lost over 20 years of life just pointlessly suffering and struggling without getting anywhere, i juts wish i had spent all those 20+ years productively like studying a lot. im really bad at english and at words in general so i cant properly explain my situation.
im going to make a post again on may 1st, or the first sunday of may, or next sunday, i dont know. ill post only in regular intervals like the first of each month to stop being a bother. and try to keep it under 5k chars next time. sorry.

My parents are trying to force me back into college after NEETing for a while, I don't know what I should do. I failed a shit ton of classes that I'd need to retake, so I don't even know if I'd be successful or just waste their money again. Also I don't like my major or want a job. I might be able to buy more time to keep NEETing if I self sabotage and don't enroll. But if I can't keep NEETing my job prospects will be shit without a degree. What to do?

>>290829
learn a marketable skill at home. programming is still lucrative and it's possible to work from home if you hate being around groids in the office. maybe trade school if you like working with your hands. military if you're physically fit.

>>290819
we share some similarities. 99% of people are in a better situation so they can't empathize with our realities. i've tried harder than anyone and looked for help everywhere, but there is no help for completely broken people. It's hard to let go of life when you are schizoid and delusional, cowardly cockroach. Everything has been lost and time is running out. In many cases death is a blessing and the only salvation.

just how did I make it to 30 without getting bored by consuming and imageboards waaaaaay earlier? i want my time back. i have such a long journey before me and since i have a slow brain it will take me longer to progress. at 40 I can hope to have the maturity of a 23 year old

I SHOULDN'T HAVE QUIT MY JOB, NOW I REGRET. NOW I SPEND ALL DAY DOING NOTHING, MONEYLESS, THINKING ABOUT DEATH

I SHOULDN'T HAVE QUIT MY JOB
I SHOULDN'T HAVE QUIT MY JOB
I SHOULDN'T HAVE QUIT MY JOB
I SHOULDN'T HAVE QUIT MY JOB
I SHOULDN'T HAVE QUIT MY JOB
I SHOULDN'T HAVE QUIT MY JOB
I SHOULDN'T HAVE QUIT MY JOB
I SHOULDN'T HAVE QUIT MY JOB
I SHOULDN'T HAVE QUIT MY JOB
I SHOULDN'T HAVE QUIT MY JOB

I need to die

>>290853
Amen

>>290839
incredible that you wouldn't feel like that WHILE wageslaving.
it's impressive how different we all are from each other

>>290853
Don't worry, you'll die for sure

I spent all day successfully hiding from the work guys making no noise so that they wouldn't know I was there and then my dad has to fuck it up right before they leave by calling me on the phone. Why would you do that? I'm so fucking mad right now.

>>290865
lol dadhurt

If only i hadn't been born in this world

i want to express myself but i cant. i think im too weird so i cant put it into words that can be understood by a normal person. its very complicated and there are too many things, i feel so many things. i think ill fail at what i want to do so i wish i could at least shout to the world but i cant put it into words, its complicated and embarrassing, i really wish i could express myself well. i dont know exactly what im supposed to say. its extremely painful, i just want to express myself properly but i suck very much at english and my mind is always extremely convoluted and i cant properly express myself. i think im weird and my case might be different and unusual so i wish i could say something but i cant.
i want to draw so much. you have no idea. i want to draw so much. i want to draw nice things. i wish i could also write nice math and make nice music. i wish i had time to do all those things. but im old and poor and going to be homeless soon. like i wish i could afford a nice drawing tablet but im too poor, ill probably never afford it, and even if i do, by the time i can afford it, it will be too late. my life is over, i think theres nothing i can do anymore.
it hurts. it hurts so much. its so much pain. so much despair. im completely desperate. so much agony. every instant feels like torture, i just wish i could make it, i wish i could still reach excellence and make awesome things in drawing, math and music. like i wish i could still to go an university and become a serious academic and an artist. i just wish i could still make it.
i wish i could make an appeal to god. its practically certain that ill fail and i wont make it. so i wish i had another chance. i wish i could reincarnate in this era, from the 2000s to the 2010s, so i could try again. or that i could go back in time to when i was like 3 years old and somehow get into computers and the internet back then. i was different in school, i had something in me, but i didnt make use of it. there was extreme abuse very early in my life and it broke me, i became very sick, and i ended up being this garbage. i just wanted to have spent all that time learning like math and cs, reading a lot of books, getting good at those things. i think im supposed to kill myself but im a coward.
please god, please god, please god, please please please, please, i beg you, please let me succeed, please let me reach where i want, i just want to draw nice things and write nice math and make nice music, like the whole day every day for several decades, there are so many things i want to make, im terrified of not making it and losing my place. im in hell, in a prison. i think this is the wrong timeline, at least for me.
its very embarrrassing, i wish everything i did and said could be forgiven and forgotten so i can try properly, i really want to do stuff but i think i cant.
sorry for posting again. i promised id only post once in a month or a week at least but it hurts too much. i feel so much pain. ill probably be banned for whatever reason.
sorry. sorry about everything. maybe ill just try being a better person from now on, i dont know.

>>290874
like i dont know how to explain this but i just lost the first and best 25 years of my life. i wish so much i had put this time to good use. i dont know if i can live with all that time lost. its one third of your life. the best period. when you were supposed to prepare and sow the seeds. i think there was very severe and extreme abuse when i was born up to 6 years and it broke me and i ended up like this. i think i have very severe trauma. i didnt develop like i was supposed to, i didnt grow like a normal person. i dont know what went so wrong, i just think something went wrong, like something cosmically wrong, and i think it could have been different. like maybe i wanted to go to the mit, they do work on theoretical cs and other areas im interested in apparently. i really wanted to have gone to an university and do math. and i wanted so much to draw. and also a little of making music. like i always had an interest in these things but i was in a very weird state of not being myself and not being allowed to choose. it hurts so much. i would do anything for a chance, i would go through hell for a billion years. i didnt live my life. now is just too late, there are a lot of things i cant do anymore, i cant reach the same heights anymore, even if i could still become an awesome mathematician and artist in this life i think it wouldnt feel "good enough" and i would want to try again and i would want more because i think i didnt live my life properly and to its maximum potential. i just like making things and reaching greater and greater heights, i wish i could do so forever. it just hurts a lot. i just want a lot to draw. and do math and make music.
i will try to just stop posting now. ill try to stop wasting time and chase my stupid dreams even if they seem impossible. just nevermind all of these posts its unimportant. dont mind it forget it. i really dont know what i am supposed to say so ill just stop. its very embarrassing. ill see if i can just turn the page and do what i think im supposed to. i just wish to succeed. sorry.

>>290692
Not gonna go into details, because no one cares. But this post helped me a lot. Thank you. I feel better about some shit I'm going through right now.

>>290875

What's stopping you from going to a college and studying cs? What's stopping you from drawing?

Doesn't matter. None of this matters

>>290878
he's a bot

>>290895
Noted ✅

>>290887
Kind of annoying to think that such blocks of text can be autogenerated now. Like hell I care about what some chatbot wrote, man.

im in hell. i cant put into words. i wont make it. i wish there were a kind angel or a benevolent god who knew everything that i had to go through, everything i feel and dream of.
i wish i could make an appeal to god. i think this life is over so i wish i had another one. i wish so much, that after i die, i can reincarnate like from the 2000s to the 2010s and try again. or that i could go back in time to when i was like 3 years old and get into computers and the internet back then.
i didnt live my life. i just wanted so much to draw. so much. there were so many things i wanted to draw. i wanted to go to an university and be a good mathematician and i wanted to make a little of music. thats all i wanted from life really. i think its just too late. my life is over. ill never have the time and resources to do those things. even if i dont become homeless, i probably wont even live much because of my health, ill probably die before im even 50. i wish i could scream. you have no idea how much it hurts and how desperate i am. i had a very weird life, there was a lot of abuse, there are things i cant even talk about on this site because theyre too embarrassing, it happened very early in my life, i think i became too mentally ill and dug myself a hole, i just wish i had been stronger. i just wish i had spent all the time from when i was born to now learning mathematics and computer science, writing some of it, gone to an university, and practicing drawing and music, making a lot of really nice drawings and music. i wish i still had the time to do all the things i wanted, i wish i could still make it. i feel a lot of stuff and cant put it into words, its very embarrassing so i cant say it, i will have to take it to the grave. i want to die, i want to just end this pointless embarrassing ugly existence, i want to kill myself, but im afraid of failing and turning into a vegetable or being sent to a mental ward again or something. i really cant afford a good drawing tablet. it costs as much as a car in my sh*thole. im very reticient to settle for something less because i want to draw the best possible. i really wish i could still go to an university and do serious research. i dont know. its embarrassing to say this but i think im different from other people and i was supposed to do things, i wanted to so much, but i couldnt because something went very wrong and i think its not my fault. i really wish i could at least shout to the world and say how i feel but its very difficult, i cant communicate properly, there are just a lot of things. sorry for posting again and saying the same thing all the time but it hurts a lot and im very mentally ill. i feel crushed. i think my life wasnt supposed to be like this, i think it could have been different. i just wanted to be very good at drawing, math and music. i wish i had lived my life like i was supposed to. i wanted to go very far. there are a lot of things i wish i could say but i dont want this post to be any longer so ill stop here. ill just take it to the grave. it hurts. i lost the best 25 years of my life to stupid things. i think i cant make it anymore. id do anything for a chance. id go through hell for a million years. anything.

>>290887
sorry for posting a lot. im not a bot. it just hurts a lot and i dont know what to do. i wish no one minded my posts.

depression is so evil

i have no energy and no optimism so i procrastinate dealing with my problems

then years pass and the problems pile up and i regret not dealing with them sooner

then more years pass and thing get even worse: EVEN LESS energy from getting old and eating badly and not exercising, money problems as the economy gets worse and increasing guilt as parents get older

and the worst is i blame myself for it and just feel like a weak subhuman which just leads to an even worse mental state which is not conductive for self improvement

dealing with this in my 30s i just feel so demotivated to fix myself because i feel like this cheap broken down car no one would bother to repair because its cheaper to replace. im not a hot succubus or high iq genius or tortured artist. the only reason to even bother fixing myself is because this is the only life i have and as much as i daydream and regret the past there is no other way but forward

>>290887
>>290936
nah bots cant write with such incoherent bad grammar even if you ask it too

>>290946
Well, you post good pics.
Don't feel sorry, that's something stupid to feel in an imageboard full of weird and outcast dudes.

ill try to stop posting now.
i just hope i make it. god please help me. please dont abandon me. its an embarrassing thing to say but i just want to realize my dreams. i just want to draw a lot of nice things. write a lot of nice math. and make a lot of good music. i hope i make it in time. i think ill fail, i feel like i was born in hell, maybe ill just hang myself because, i dont know. but i wish i could still make it. there are so many things i want to make. it hurts a lot. its an embarrassing thing to say but i think i could be different from other people, really different, but i cant put into words what i went through and what i feel and what i want to do. so ill just stop talking and just do it. ill just keep it to myself, take it to the grave. if i fail i wish to god that i had another chance. like that i could go back in time to when i was 3 years old and get into computers and the internet back then, or that i could reincarnate in this era, like from the 2000s to the 2010s, or in the future if it will still be possible to do those things then. i just wanted a lot to draw, i wanted to make music and i wanted to write math. i wish god or an angel could listen to my prayers, every night i go to bed and fall asleep thinking of how much i want to, like i think of all the nice things that i want to draw, and am afraid that i wont make it. i want to draw so much. you have no idea. i wish i could write well and put my feelings into words, i feel a lot of stuff and i think its different from the usual so i wish i could express myself but i really cant do it well ever so ill just stop. i dont know maybe ill act like there is still a point in behaving properly or something like that. ill try to just go now and stop posting. hopefully bye wizchan. sorry for my behavior, im very mentally ill, hopefully ill get better. nevermind all of these posts i made, i wanted to express myself but i cant do it well so i just want to stop wasting time with this, so maybe ill just turn the page. sorry.

In my 30s and still nightmares about school time. It never ends. Always the same faces and settings. Make it stop for fucks sake.

I feel like I've tried everything on my own to fix myself, except therapy. I just don't feel I can be open with someone who is legally required to report you for suicidal thoughts. Sure I could censor that part, but its like the bright arrow all my other thoughts of life being hopeless lead me.

Anyway any Wiz have stories, good or bad, about therapy and professional help in general, changing your life?

got completely pissed me off when my mother >>290478 implied i needed to be taught "humility," and that's why god didn't give me a job up until now. as if she hasn't been humiliating me for the past nine months. as if i haven't lived a life being abused, bullied, ostracized, and all around treated like shit. i am saving every cent i can so i can gtfo by june. her behavior is shameless and deplorable. i have to give her money for rent and things but i should have about ~8k saved up by then.

>when i didn't have a good job: made fun of me for working low wage positions, bitched all the time about literally nothing, blamed me for my own abuse and bullying by peers at school, always threatened to kick me out despite knowing i have a health issue that would make homelessness a death sentence for me, etc. disgusting slob human things

>now that i have a good job: baking cookies and actually cleaning up after herself. making me realize that her terrible behavior really was just her being a fucking bully bitch

i can't wait to leave. i need to ensure i actually save six months worth of living fees this time so i don't end up back in this shithole if the worst thing possible happens and i lose my job. but wiz i'm genuinely waking up happy now, for the first time in months. there is LIGHT at tunnel's end. this is rambling because i'm working off my anger, i won't start arguing with her just because she's pretending she sees me as a human being and not a walking wallet.

>>290971
>I feel like I've tried everything on my own to fix myself, except therapy.
That's normally the first thing one tries, lol

>Anyway any Wiz have stories, good or bad, about therapy and professional help in general
You would rather not hear from those who tried it…

>>290971
They don't report you for suicidal thoughts unless you are saying you have active plans or something. Just don't be an idiot and be like, yeah I'm planning to kill myself tomorrow, I've already bought the gun and you'll be good. That said, most therapists are shit and don't know what they are doing. The problem is therapy is not really a science, it's an art and it's a skill someone can be good at or they can be shit at and various therapists have more or less understandings into how the psyche works and why and can help you dissect your own psyche. They can help you deal with repressed emotions and shit you need to deal with emotionally to get over various issues you are having. Therapy should hurt, it should make you cry. If it doesn't hurt and you aren't crying it's not working and you need to go deeper. Also, you need to not expect the therapist to do all the work for you. The best therapists let you lead to some degree and talk about what you think you need to talk about. If you don't know what that is they should be able to guide you, but at the end of the day you have to remember that this is your brain we're talking about the other person is a stranger, they have waaaay less information to go on than you do so you should think of them more as a guide in doing the work that you need to do to fix yourself. Give it some deep thought. Be as open and honest as possible. The law prevents the therapist from sharing anything you tell them, at least in most western countries it does. They are also taking your money and most professionals take it seriously enough to want to do their job and help you, they are mostly empathetic and altruistic types. They are like a priest at a confessional. They have a duty to report violence either to yourself or others I think but otherwise they have to keep secret anything you say. Ask about this when you start to see the particular rules and don't be an idiot. If you are some sort of mass shooter fag or something, well, I'm sorry but our system is not designed to deal with people like you. What would happen at worst in the US at least is you'd get some court order to do some temporary psychological hold or something and then you go to the loony bin for a month or two then you get out and go get a gun and go shoot up some kids or something. If you're that type, just please fix your shit before it gets to that. Unless you get declared mentally incompetent which is almost impossible for a non tard non schizo the courts really can't do shit to you and there is no help for you which is probably why we keep having so many mass shootings.

>>291000
you take normalfags far too seriously

I don't want to go to work…

Enameled bedpan
Window, bedside table and the bed
Not cozy at all - hard to live
But cozy to die
Enameled bedpan
Window, bedside table and the bed
Not cozy at all - hard to live
But cozy to die

>>290970
Haha yeah me too

Whenever I trust people it goes wrong

sorry for my behavior and posts. its embarrassing. im very mentally ill. hopefully ill start getting better.
i wanted to communicate but i cant. i cant make a simple post where i express my thoughts and feelings.
basically its like. i feel a lot of stuff. i think my life could have been different. i wish i could appeal to god. its embarrassing to say this but i think im a bit different. and i had a very weird life. i feel like i have a spirit, i just want to make nice things like drawing or music or math, but it keeps getting crushed. i feel like a glitch, someone who isnt supposed to exist, like something went cosmically wrong in my life. i just like drawing, music and math a lot. i want to make very nice things. thats all really. im completely hopeless. desperate. i feel like in a prison. i just want a chance, like everyone else gets one. if i cant achieve my ambitions in this life, i wish i could reincarnate or go back in time to try again. i really think i should kill myself but im a coward, i dont know. its all very complicated but at the moment this is the tip of how i feel more or less. but i cant communicate properly, there are very important things i cant say.
ill just stop trying to communicate and just go and just do it. ill just keep it to myself. take it to the grave. ill just see what i can still do with this sh*t life. whatever i feel or whatever i think of ill just stop posting and try to just focus on getting works done like in drawing music and math and hope all of this mess can be forgiven. hopefully i wont come back. sorry.

WHY DIDNT I START LEARNING TO DRAW IN ALL THESE YEARS?

I knew I wanted it and there was no way around putting in the work. My parents even offered me to pay for drawing classes but I passed.

>same reason you are not doing it right now

Well now I am weighted down by all the regret and my age. Although of course again the fact is that there is no way around it and I will just get older and regret it more.

I don't think many people become NEET out of logical reasons but it still feels stupid to not have used all that free NEET time I had for some self-development so I could gain some skills for self-employment instead of being forced to work some unpleasant job from lack of options.

>>291096
Why aren't you learning how to draw now?

I hate myself

I will never heal

>>291096
>I knew I wanted it
No, you didn't.
That's the confusing part to accept and understand.

I will never get better and being a neet living in my parent's house is the best possible outcome for my future.

It's all not worth it. All this struggle and it never gets better. Being alive was a mistake.

test

New:
>>291261

>>290831
Same here.