No.291263
My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? why art thou so far from helping me, and from the words of my roaring?
O my God, I cry in the day time, but thou hearest not; and in the night season, and am not silent.
But thou art holy, O thou that inhabitest the praises of Israel.
Our fathers trusted in thee: they trusted, and thou didst deliver them.
They cried unto thee, and were delivered: they trusted in thee, and were not confounded.
But I am a worm, and no man; a reproach of men, and despised of the people.
All they that see me laugh me to scorn: they shoot out the lip, they shake the head, saying,
He trusted on the LORD[b] that he would deliver him: let him deliver him, seeing he delighted in him.
But thou art he that took me out of the womb: thou didst make me hope when I was upon my mother's breasts.
I was cast upon thee from the womb: thou art my God from my mother's belly.
Be not far from me; for trouble is near; for there is none to help.
Many bulls have compassed me: strong bulls of Bashan have beset me round.
They gaped upon me with their mouths, as a ravening and a roaring lion.
I am poured out like water, and all my bones are out of joint: my heart is like wax; it is melted in the midst of my bowels.
My strength is dried up like a potsherd; and my tongue cleaveth to my jaws; and thou hast brought me into the dust of death.
For dogs have compassed me: the assembly of the wicked have inclosed me: they pierced my hands and my feet.
I may tell all my bones: they look and stare upon me.
They part my garments among them, and cast lots upon my vesture.
But be not thou far from me, O LORD: O my strength, haste thee to help me.
Deliver my soul from the sword; my darling from the power of the dog.
Save me from the lion's mouth: for thou hast heard me from the horns of the unicorns.
I will declare thy name unto my brethren: in the midst of the congregation will I praise thee.
Ye that fear the LORD, praise him; all ye the seed of Jacob, glorify him; and fear him, all ye the seed of Israel.
For he hath not despised nor abhorred the affliction of the afflicted; neither hath he hid his face from him; but when he cried unto him, he heard.
My praise shall be of thee in the great congregation: I will pay my vows before them that fear him.
The meek shall eat and be satisfied: they shall praise the LORD that seek him: your heart shall live for ever.
All the ends of the world shall remember and turn unto the LORD: and all the kindreds of the nations shall worship before thee.
For the kingdom is the LORD's: and he is the governor among the nations.
All they that be fat upon earth shall eat and worship: all they that go down to the dust shall bow before him: and none can keep alive his own soul.
A seed shall serve him; it shall be accounted to the LORD for a generation.
They shall come, and shall declare his righteousness unto a people that shall be born, that he hath done this.
No.291267
I'm gonna quit my job
I can't do this
Dealing with normies while working in a fucking factory is a pain in the ass
2 months and half were maximum I could put up
All the money I made were spent on food because I'm depressed. Mom already provides me food. So why am I working anyway?
No.291271
>>291267Same situation. I had a psychotic episode and lost my job. Now I live at home and my parents don't bother me about it. I eat their food and stare at the wall all day. Like a dog or a cat.
No.291272
I learned today that my father is terminally ill and will die in the coming week. I don't know what to do. I have been having a mental breakdown
No.291279
suicidal urges started again basically as soon as I started therapy which I was forced into by my parents. I know it's because my parents are expecting the end result to be me as a normalfag wage slave. The idea of that being my goal again just makes me want to rope myself because I know I can't do it. When I could just sit here comfortably and get high watching TV and browsing chans I could imagine tolerating the rest of my life like that and the suicidal urges went away. The problem is that this is not sustainable long term, not unless my parents agree to it and have enough money for it which I doubt. Any time I need something I will have to rely on them. The shame will never go away. So really what to do, to try to be a normie wage slave even though I know I can't and it will be torture when I try or just sit back and neet it up for as long as I can get my parents to support me for?
No.291282
>>291276There are better ways to do it, I hate when people suffer needlessly
No.291284
>>291279>get highYeah, therapy isn't going to bring back all the brain cells you killed off with your drug abuse. It's over.
>>291282No backseat suiciding. If you know a better method, then use it yourself.
No.291285
>>291282drop hanging would be my way. Good chance it breaks your neck and you die instantly. Otherwise you just strangle to death. Blood loss to the brain should happen fairly quickly so you go unconscious. It would be a very unpleasant 5 seconds as you feel your neck massively fucked up and then you fade to black. I think I would duct tape my hands together before I jump off the branch to resist the urge to fight it if it doesn't break my neck. I'm not sure what knots I would use to secure the rope to the tree branch though.
No.291287
Grandpa is showing signs of dementia. Mom probably won't want to send him to an old folk's home (which I don't really blame her for, as they're awful in my country) and dad doesn't give a fuck.
It almost makes me want to get a job, at I won't have to be around him all day and won't be expected to take care of him. But then I remember that the only jobs I can get are dead-end minimum wage ones and that thought disappears.
Sorry about the blogpost. I have to vent or else I'll go crazy.
No.291288
>>291287why is your dad an asshole to grand pa?
No.291289
>>291288Dad's not an asshole to him, he'll raise his voice, but won't do anything else, for the most part he's indifferent.
Grandpa is an alcoholic who can't do anything properly. He smokes indoors making part of the house smell like shit, forgets burning cigarettes on the edge of furniture.
No.291290
>>291289you should do sole activities with grandpa, what do you think of it?
No.291291
>>291282Any recommendations?
No.291327
>>291301I hope i too will start getting better soon.
No.291354
Just came back from the store and saw that I got distracted halfway through trimming my facial hair off. Damn I feel quite chagrined.
No.291364
>>291261This album is the definition of Depression and Suicide. It's literally so fucking depressing
No.291365
>>291308
>agony
How to measure agony if the person dies? Like, shotgun to head method, surviving person said: 'Well, actually it didn't really hurt, just a little sting, would do it again anytime'. Same with getting hit by a train.
No.291376
I am literally overdue. My life should have ended years ago. This is fucking ridiculous. And if it wasn't for my brain still making me feel ill, it would be really beautiful. I keep on having theses beautiful feelings of just being, being here, like fuck you universe, I am still here. And all the same I hate being, I think life is a mistake, a punishment, a fraud. But let's be honest. People that think they have nothing to lose are the biggest assholes around. They are actually awful persons by definition, even worse than fanatics and terrorists, who have a similar complex. So I have something to lose, it's the sense of being. But that's fine. Being humble is all right. My life sentence is served. And none of this helps. Do you like being here? No. Nobody can. It's too much to deal with to expect to like it here. How ironic people say life is a present. A present to throw away. Then all these posts here on wizchan. All these somewhat clever and intelligent takes on history, psychology, what it means to exist as we do. All that goes down the drain eventually. We are companions in suffering. But you are not my companion. You are just egoistic idiots, like me. You value the life of your mother, your father? Sure you do. And yet you are addicted to being alive. And yet you hate them for throwing you into this life. You do all of this at the same time. There is no difference here. You are not different from me, but you would never admit that. Which is fine. Everyone is completely isolated, solipsism is our forgotten reality we all deny and know that it's the truth.
No.291394
lol, my therapist just ragequit on me. I suppose my personality is so detestable that not even someone who is taking my money to talk to me will tolerate it.
No.291396
>>291394what you said you think made your psychatrist quit you lmao?
No.291397
>>291394What a shit therapist, his whole job is listening, if you can't do that you're a lousy therapist
No.291398
>>291394not always your fault, wizzie. it could just be that they have a full workload already, or they don't feel they have the ability to help you out with your particular issue. they should have given you a referral to another therapist tho.
No.291400
>>291394How do you even fall for such a scam?
No.291407
>>291394That happens quite often, actually. Most therapists won't even take 'difficult' or more 'broken' or socially incapable patients. Why? Because they have so many to chose from that they will only choose those that they are comfortable with. Therapists like easy work. Patients that don't want to eat shit and go the normalfag slave way are too much work for them.
No.291413
>>291411Imagine feeding and loving a beast that could easily eat you alive if your size was proper to do so.
No.291513
Apparently I'm selected to die. Not a big deal, but can't help feeling bad about it.
No.291514
>>291513Just throw a grenade at your superior officer and gta as far as you can go, keep one bullet to kys yourself for when caught
No.291515
>>291514Yeah gonna do precisely that.
No.291520
Trying is frying.
Yeah pretty proud of this little rhyme. Gonna be my excuse for a while.
No.291522
>>291267Maybe you can still mess those normies for good, if they have been a problem to you, before getting fired. Think about some other wizards who could come after you, make the ground softer.
No.291523
>25
>permanent heart damage suicide attempt at 20
>no one on earth
>don't have family that I talk to
>shut in
>may have had tuberculosis for five years since I was exposed to it at a mental hospital
>can't get it treated due to no transport, no money, no friends or family to help
>social anxiety so intense that I almost puked while talking to a cashier (first time I spoke to someone in 4 years) and ran out of the store forgetting my money and food
I hate living so much. I have had a wet cough for years that comes and goes. It could be from the heart failure, could also be TB. I have no options.
No.291525
>>291413>imagine if thing was other thing!!1!1bravo wizzie
No.291526
Knowing somebody has it worse does not help in the least. If anything, it makes it even worse, because you know you still have a good length to descend yourself on your way down.
No.291527
>>291526Why?
Is it your job to save them or something?
No.291529
>>291527No my job is self destruction.
No.291546
>>291276You allowed your enemies, who brought into this state to win. You off yourself instead of them.
Stay away from us
No.291548
>>291546Fuck off nigger and go mass shoot your fellow Americans as much as you like.
Suicide is a major victory, provided you do it for the reasons of maintaining your superiority, and not because you pity yourself too much. Not counting those too mentally ill, they live parallel reality and have their right to take the vacation anytime they fell it's time.
No.291549
>>291526What makes me happy that no matter how crappy my life becomes, eventually others will just be miserable like me soon enough. I fucking hate individualism and only caring for yourself until the time comes when assholes like this>>291527 loses everyone in their life.
No.291551
Well generally speaking it could go better, but I suppose it's good enough anyway. I'd even call it too good if somebody explained me why I still give a shit, but let's agree, that's something you'll only ever figure on your own, that is, never.
No.291553
>>291548Well, it is better to finish your bullies than finish yourself! Sorry if this is too antiwoke for your ass!
>suicide is major blah blah>suicide maintains superiorityCuckery. And also hypocrite since here you are, alive and yelling shit.
No.291554
>>291548You normalfags are the biggest cucks.
No.291555
>>291548What good is "being superior" if you're dead?
No.291563
>>291548I think this is an israeli jew, judging by his uneasy english and unfailing drive to get gentile wizards to kill themselves.
No.291565
>>291359living through that shit rn i have to text my roommate to tell him to clean his shit like im his dad
No.291567
>>291555What is good in killing a dozen of fags if you afterwards kill yourself or get in prison?
No.291586
You know, wizards, I have tried my best, but it seems I'm going to be back to wizchan soon enough again.
No.291587
^ what did he mean by that? are we not on wizchan????
No.291590
>>291587I have tried my best to avoid being depressed, but it seems I am about to fail, so yeah, I'm one leg in /dep/ already, though threads here are not very appealing to me with their relentless discussions about succubi, social validation and being a failure. Year to year. The same fucking thing. This place is insane, but it's not like there are many other places to be depressed. Here we go again, so to say.
No.291604
>>291590are the failed normies making you upset? man, when i am not mentoring them i just mock them for their mania
No.291606
>>291604Yeah but sometimes you have that crippling bout of depression when you feel nauseous and literally feel your stomach wringing. When in this state your tolerance is below zero and even benign asshole makes you feel so unbearably bad you want to vomit your life for good. I can't really meaningfully explain in, but sometimes I feel too shit and these kinds of people we talk about are not helping at all.
No.291610
>>291608My wiz you're still here. I've wondering about what becomes of you while I was away from wizchan. I feel your posts very much, because while I don't seem to have (at least it's not immediately apparent) schizophrenia, I am stuck in the exactly same loop as you. I just try to do some shit that's supposed to make me happier, but I always end up more and more miserable. And the more desperate my attempts are the more devastating my failures. It is so fucking frustrating. I wish you learn to life such that your desires do not fail you.
No.291611
>>291608Even the pictures you choose. Sometimes I really feel like you wiz has been the closest poster to me out there, but I know that probably we're one hell of a difference.
No.291612
You know, wizards, every time you think something is a lie, check yourself, and remember that it was not a lie, but it was you who believed in something, that isn't. Do not believe in anything. Do not expect anything. And you will not be disappointed. Don't believe me? I'm at it and going to figure it out. I am not certain yet, but it seems I will try to do that. I don't know. But if I ever succeed, I'll tell you, so whoever has ears hears me.
No.291619
>>291611>>291610I get what he's writing too. Normaltards can't understand the feeling.
No.291637
I have headache.
No.291662
Headache is gone, the emptiness in my soul is still present though. I feel somewhat weird, but there is no helping it, so it seems like I'm going to wipe this thread again with my relentless woes. Or maybe I'll find the strength to check myself, after all it would be worth suicide if I haven't learnt a single thing after all those efforts at not being depressed.
No.291667
I am a ukrainian wizard. Most likely I'm gonna end up in the army soon enough. The new mobilization law forces fighting age males to go to the complectation center to renew their personal info which means getting drafted if not outright then in the observable future. It can't be avoided. You have 60 days to do it, otherwise serious fines and some other issues.
The other day I already received a notice from the military that I need to go there and get my shit in order there. I am planning to go there at the end of next month and come what may. There won't be any other option anyway.
In truth, I've been hoping for such outcome for the last half a year. I won't have to experiment with roping or cutting or seek some other way to rush towards the exit. I will have access to a gun and my relatives won't be as hurt. I won't be remembered as a loser who just offed himself for no observable reason, but as a poor soul consumed by the fires of war. Plus I will leave them my flat, so they will be kinda reimbursed for the trouble.
I should feel at peace knowing that whatever happens next is outside my control. But the waiting is hard to bear. What ifs, what ifs, what ifs…
No.291668
>>291667Fucking run, Jesus Christ it's not a coward way to survive for yourself instead of dying for rich pricks. Run as far as you can or do anything to get the fuck out of that country.
No.291669
>>291668>runI have a broken brain. No running away from that.
Even if I wanted to, the borders are closed and well-guarded and there is no escape from being a male citizen of Ukraine.
No.291671
>>291667Exactly the same situation, exactly the same feelings. It seems like I should have made peace with dying long ago, but prolonged wait of death just makes this shit insanely hard to bear mentally. Sometimes I just with a missile fucking landed in my house and saved me the trouble.
No.291674
>>291671Надеюсь, все это скоро кончится, брат по несчастью.
I hope our suffering will end soon enough.
No.291698
After 10+ years of barely leaving my room I drank one gulp of alcohol to have the courage to reply to a job vacancy near my home (to sit alone in the corner and sell stupid shit, miserable salary)
They asked for my short resume and asked many questions (i made up some lies)
Waited while sweating and shaking
They said I'm too old (i'm 35) and have little experience
The end.
No.291705
>>291698Wait until stress level lowers and try again elsewhere. You will succeed.
No.291708
>>291698there's a specific antidepressant that makes people really confident as a byproduct. I'm having trouble finding it, but there are much better options than booze for this
No.291709
>>291705Thank you for your words.
I replied to a dish washing job vacancy, maybe they will reply in the morning.
>>291708I avoid pharma products, but such specific stuff requires prescriptions most likely.
No.291712
>>291701Why bother? I am suicidal anyway.
No.291713
>>291712"Escaping" in the Europe is not going to help anyway. Europe is the same shithole, just looks prettier, basically glorified slavery, because the only difference is that you are not whipped to force you to work. It is just brutally over for us.
No.291718
Fucking leave me be! Take away that bullshit of you, stupid normalfag monkeys! Damn, how is that possible that someone be so unbelievably stupid? They are not just braindead, they have no fucking brain cells at all. And their retardation has this funny way of living rent free in your head. Normalfags were a huge mistake.
No.291723
"My participation in the sciences at this point is less out of any passion or mental necessity and more out of obligation. I’ve already come to the conclusion(of which I’ve yet to be convinced otherwise, only that the fact is of varying relevance) that I’m an upper midwit at best that has little to contribute to the sciences, especially as someone who claims to be interested in pure mathematics, probably the field that requires strong logical skills to even be considered mediocre. That’s all I would be. Mediocre. Perhaps if I grinded I’d be far happier(and more accomplished) as a writer or humanities student, because then I would only be expected to interpret the progress of humanity rather than add to it. Even my well-intentioned(and likely slightly more intelligent) peers have not managed to convince me otherwise. I don’t believe I have ever met a “topwit” such as those I describe(and subconsciously envy, since they are capable of providing the great achievements that I spent my whole life being expected to produce) and if I have I was too naïve(let’s put it bluntly, stupid) to identify them. I am obsessed with this concept of my own limitations.
So what now? Your mother wasn’t far from the truth whenshe said you expected to be “medicated and working at Home Depot” if not going into the sciences since we both know you’re too clumsy for a trade and too autistic for corporate/sales work. Do you simply just want to die? What stops you? To the best of your memory, it was a vestigial belief in the Christian afterlife(where suicide would certainly send your soul to eternal damnation) and also a fear that since your last moments would be spent with both your baseline fear and instinctual self-preservation instinct, your psyche would be trapped in a forever loop(from your perspective of least, since death cannot be perceived) of suffering, a biological damnation. That was what stopped you, not “the wind.”
You were entirely convinced that suicide was the moral(at least on a macro level), practical, ultimate option(unless you planned to run away from life entirely, facing homelessness), and yet you couldn’t do it. You held that burette in your hands sure that one less shitskin, one less faggot(or more) would be at least marginally better than just becoming a corpse by yourself, and yet your muscles softened. Why? You do not have the will to kill. You do not have the….no, I’m certain you do. When you choked Jax, you felt satisfied, even if the moral side of your brain regretted the action after. You could certainly kill, perhaps without remorse, if you wanted to. Your apprehension over whether your interest in the Bible is purely academic or based in a true faith(or at least open mind) holds you back. God restrains the mentally feeble like yourself. Whether that is viewed as necessary housekeeping or tyrannical is a matter of perspective. You’re reciting this off of hearsay, you’ve never investigated the topic or history of this matter yourself. Peak midwit.
Any philosophical inquiry worth its salt is based on the sciences as they exist at the time of writing. As science only becomes more branched and specialized, the amount of versatility, dedication and yes, brainpower of any competent(perhaps not even exceptional) philosopher will increase. If I believe that my brainpower is insufficient to make outstanding contributions to the physical sciences, and my personal shame does not allow me to engage with the life sciences, then I am not fit for the task. While writing has offered me solace at times, that was with the tacit assumption that I was assuaging myself the way a midwit should, interpretive tasks that are more a function of time than talent(language learning, literature reading, fan-fiction) and so were an attempt to accept this truth, not rebuke it.
I don’t have anything more to say on the matter. Even my traditional tirades(Mom, who I hope never finds this document, would just call it an “act” and give an explanation in plain English that sounded like gibberish to someone who’s brain can’t form any thought that’s not in the style of a “witty” quote tweet.)
I feel the need to talk more, but don’t have anything to say."
I feel I should clarify for context that "Jax" is the family dog. I caught him tearing out notebook pages and put my hand around his neck, choking for about 8 seconds. He didn't even struggle until the last one, upon which I let him go.
No.291750
I must leave home. This is insufferable.
No.291751
They fucking gaslight me with "simply get over it, just make a step" bullshit that drives me nauseous. I really wish my next step is out the window but it's third floor and I don't feel like surviving. I really need to either escape or kill myself, bur I don't have means to do either. If I don't make it out of here in two-three years I swear I'll cut my wrists for good and a bit of pain isn't gonna stop me. Just gotta kick a while longer. I feel like my brain is melting right now, can't think at all. It's really hard to get shit done when you can't think.
No.291813
I won't boast about it being OCD, I don't know, but what I am sure about is that it's gonna get me killed at best and ruined for the rest of my life at worst. It's the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Not only it interferes with thinking, it does not allow me to get a full control of what I do and what I do not do. I am sort of in autopilot mode most of the time.
>>291778That's probably nothing to you, but I root for you.
No.291814
Oh fuck it. Forgot the sage. Yeah awesome.
No.291815
got a job and i’m very glad but my biggest fear is playing itself out, my mother is using me as a wallet again. this shameless retard doesn’t seem to understand that i’m spending upwards of 1500 on her per month. the initial agreement was 900 monthly. she completely disgusts me where money is concerned, i hope i can move soon. i thought it would be as easy as picking out a hotel room but the place i was looking at has boric acid everywhere which isn’t a good fucking sign. glad i went in to view it in person.
this is scattered but i’m just pissed off.
i mean she’s throwing a tantrum right now because i didn’t give up her more money from my paycheck. you’ve gotten $1000 usd so far, that’s 1/4th, fucking fuck off you old bitch. 1000 usd monthly for a rat infested hovel is fucking awful
No.291817
I'm really starting to despise all the people in the world who will tell you you're wrong but never even attempt to explain why.
No.291828
It's been only three hours. I woke in the morning feeling anxiety over wasting time and almost felt full of energy. It's been only goddamn fucking three hours. I feel dead inside already, essentially spending all my efforts combating the urge to jump off a roof. What the fuck. Only three hours and I feel this wretched. It is incredible how insidiously mental health goes down over the years. I almost feel like my life is already over.
No.291829
Everyone let me down today, but I've been relying on people my entire life, so it's my own fault. My car just switched off as I was driving on the oneway, I only managed to pull over to the side just in time. I've never really bothered with roadside AA insurance because I've always had jumppacks or friends or family to bail me out, but today.
>jumppack failed a few months ago, stopped holding a charge
>Flatmate who works nightshift was asleep with his phone out of battery
>other flatmate barely spoke english and refused to wake him up, not even able to comprehend what was going on
>dad had surgery recently and of course couldn't make it
>brother was across town moving out, strung me along with texts about how he'll make it soon but couldn't make it in the end (all understandable)
>mom turned up, faked health problems for attention again on the side of the highway and started screaming at me about how she can't handle this, then drove off in a rage.
>mom apparently turned up to my brother's new place and had another fake mental fit in front of him and his family, all because of me apparently.
>Hear that she's been ranting and raving about how I can't "Adult" and how I need to grow up
I don't know, it was weekend and after hour callout fees so I had to waste close to a month's savings just getting the thing home with a tow truck. I stunk like shit because what was supposed to be a quick trip turned into a day mission, and the tow truck lady's misses sitting next to me was visibly disgusted. I hate cars, I hate that I'm so reliant on such intricate pieces of shit and parts like alternators (it was the alternator in the end, I got mislead by a boomer relative who went into a fit of rage for me saying it was. I had it right the first guess) just seem to fail out of the blue and leave me stranded in odd places.
I'm mostly disappointed in myself for never bothering with roadside insurance. I just assumed I'd have savings for it and could save the difference, but I never have savings, because I'm a useless fucking poor that can't save for shit. But this is sort of a wake up call that I can't rely on other people, eventually everything fails and you're left alone. It was an intensely shitty day, but one of my own making.
No.291830
>>291829I know you feel sick and don't want to hear anything good about yourself, but you will get better. Your life will get better. You're not bad, nor useless, nor stupid. Shit happens, you loose often, not pleasant, but unavoidable. You'll get better wiz. I believe in you.
No.291841
I am dangerously close to hating Spring. All these Sun, green, life returning to the world. I've come to unironically like the decay, stillness of Death. I like the world frozen and devoid of colors. All these flowers and happy people. What the fuck am I doing here. It seems like I'm lost, not supposed to live in this age and place.
No.291842
>>291829>mom turned up, faked health problems for attention again on the side of the highway and started screaming at me about how she can't handle this, then drove off in a rage.>mom apparently turned up to my brother's new place and had another fake mental fit in front of him and his family, all because of me apparently. >it was the alternator in the end, I got mislead by a boomer relative who went into a fit of rage for me saying it was. I had it right the first guessTheir generation has at least 5 years left. If that were me I wouldn't even know what could be wrong, I had to ask an internet friend of mine when I had car issues and I also had a loose brake pad one time that was carving the rim of my car. How did you tell it was the alternator?
No.291843
>>291817Pretend they told you the opposite right up to the faces, then ghost them. That's how hypocrisy gets bitchslapped fine.
No.291859
>>291842Yeah it was me realizing they've all sort of aged beyond being able to bail me out of situations, and I should never ring them for my problems again. This is a pit of my own making, I'm an underemployed autistic guy without close friends. Of course if shit breaks I'll have nobody.
The only real practical solution is to get my spending under control and plan for these things better. Living a bohemian lifestyle where you're loose with everything only works for normalfags who have friends that can swing by and help when they're stuck.
I've decided to make my money back on the tow truck with stopping drinking for two months.
No.291865
>>291859That's a good point. Living on your own is dogshit hard, but at least it's reliable. It is still wonderful to have a wizfriend or two, who can help in dire need, but if you don't live in a shithole probably bank loans are not a scam, so it's still possible to go full sigma.
Sadly, in a shithole, especially third world, being alone is often game over, because you are an easy target for abuse and nobody gives a fuck.
That's more of a rant, idk if you should respond.
No.291870
>>291841Yeah I feel the same way
No.291875
I fucking hate getting old so much. I always loved the taste of coffee, when I was young I could drink up to about 20g of 'ffee in a day, that'd be anywhere from 500mg to 1000mg of pure caffeine. Nowadays even a small cup gives me jitters and anxiety.
>inb4 get decaf retard
No. Never. It's not normal to age like this, but other people are dying of cancer in their 30s, kids are getting heart attacks. All sorts of fucked up shit and nobody gives a fuck anymore.
No.291880
>>291865You're right. Being alone only works in developed nations.
In third world countries you need safety nets in the form of friends and family or you become victimized and will be the target of all sorts of crimes.
Humans are a vile species.
No.291891
It couldn't go any more wrong. My throat is sore and I feel bad, might as well get sick. Hope I'm getting better soon, because it sucks.
No.291909
I'm sick. Fuck it all. Just praying I get better very soon or might as well just rope. Why does shit always fall on your head when all you need is to stay clean for a goddamn week once a year
No.291911
Yeah that feel when you checked all imageboards you give shit about and they're empty as usual.
No.291912
Why do I forget to type some words? I swear I was intent on writing them and then two days later I reread my posts and see a lot of words just missing. I was sure I typed them. What the fuck is this?
No.291914
Anxiety mingling with weakness and dullness of head drives me a bit on the edge
No.291939
Living in a common room sucks so much. I just seethe and cannot even express my frustration in words. I just try to concentrate and think, but of course they won't shut the fuck up
No.291973
My water heater has been broken for two weeks, but I'm too lazy to clean up my house and get someone to fix it, so I decided to just take showers using cold water instead (I still have to go to work). The first day was nightmarish. The rest of that week was mildly torturous. I've now started to enjoy it and it feels good. I wonder if this is what Stockholm Syndrome is like.
No.291975
If I go to a psychiatrist and tell them that I need help will they actually help? Will a priest? How do you even get a 1 on 1 conversation with a priest? Is that even a thing?
I'm 31 and don't want to be this way anymore. I'm so sick of being in this room. I've spent 90% + of my waking life in the same room. My parents are decent and I feel so much shame for who and how I am.
No.291977
>>291975No one can help you except yourself. A therapist/priest/friend/family member, at best they are just cheerleaders, they can't do the necessary work for you.
No.291978
>>291975psychiatry is about giving people bogus diagnosis and then prescribing very dangerous pills. They would probably declare anyone on this site a schizoid and give them some very dangerous drugs with lifelong side effects. Stay away from these people, if you're sad see a psychologist who is nice to you and doesn't grift. The "mental health" industry is largely a scam taking advantage of needy people because they're willing to pay money.You need to do all the good habits yourself, talking to someone just helps you set the resolve to do so
No.291979
I feel dogshit awful. Damn.
No.291982
i barely can force myself to write those words. everything seems overwhelmingly painfully pointless.
No.291991
>>291975I don't know how Catholic churches and priests work, but getting to talk with a pastor one-on-one for counseling at a Protestant church is definitely something you can do, especially at a smaller church. I wouldn't try going to some large one as they're probably really busy.
No.291992
Did you notice, that when you're stressed, your libido drops down significantly, but when you're ill, it on the contrary rises somewhat more than usual? That's really interesting if you think about it.
No.291993
>>291992viruses make you horny because it is an evolutionary advantage to increase the chance of it spreading
No.291994
>it spreading
>it
what's "it"?
No.292000
>>291995What's the evolutionary point of spreading virus?
No.292001
Why cant I just be good at fucking somethinggggggg. I cant find one thing to build on and cash in on.
No.292002
wait did you mean that the virus is so clever that it increases your honriness to let itself spread? that's a bit of mind blowing, isn't it?
No.292030
the problem with being reclusive (or autistic, don't give a fuck) is that your presence is undesired, but your computer is your ever present tormentor. you can not escape the screen, so you go to imageboards, but you are not wanted, so you try to go back, but you can't. idk how to explain. you're just pretty much stuck in a loop of seeking stimulation from people whom you despise or by whom you are despised, then catching the snap back to reality, then being depressed and then rinsing and repeating. some people call it imageboard addiction, but i don't agree, it's not about imageboards, it's about the stimulation you get from interaction. you somehow get stuck with it. maybe there's something wrong with me idk. maybe i'm just a failed normie faking his hardest to be a wizard, no idea. i've no personality maybe that's my problem.
No.292032
Nearly killed my family with my crap driving
Sucks to be a retard
No.292056
Driving home from work and came to the realization that i expect too much from life. Fulfilling job? Cant have it. Loving parents? Cant have it. Anything else? Fuck no!
If i go see my favorite sports team i should just expect them to lose.
If i drive around for errands i should just expect the weather to be shit and for some other bullshit to happen. I should just expect everything to suck…because it does.
https://youtu.be/c0_NAWXvwwk?si=PQoYlCFSjvC_AfWg No.292059
Don't mean to whine, but maybe just share. Every interview I get - I fail. Every single one. Month or of sending applications, then one or two interviews. And I think deep inside subconsciously I don't even want to pass it.
No.292064
If this headache doesn't kill me by morning gonna be miracle
No.292069
>>292059Check your Human Design. Projectors must never go after things to make them happen!
No.292073
>>292069So if you want something bad - it won't happen? And the opposite?
No.292074
>>292069Elaborate more please. Last interview wasn't as bad, I've almost bullshitted my way through, but I've answered 90 percent of technical questions. Interview before that - they just plain laughed at me at one point. But it's fine.
I envy rich wizards so much, the ones who inherited wealth from the parents, the pure bliss of it all. The carefree days, filled with nothing. The delightful and ever novel pleasure of a useless occupation.
No.292075
>>291813I passed it with a B so all my bitching was for fucking nothing.
No.292076
Does someone who ask endless possibilities of question exists?
No.292077
>>292076cont.
I just pretend that there is someone who gives commentary on everything what I do. Imagining is easy, the problem is the outcome of words. It’s not like I know how opposite of me works
No.292078
I want a stray bullet to cross my brain
God, I'm tired of people being shitty
No.292124
I think I may have cracked my carrot polishing my knob to Dragon Maid hentai. This is how erectile dysfunction begins isn't it? Can't get an erection without pain. It's going to be like my knees where I never recover 100%.
No.292125
>>292124The wand is like a muscle. It tears under stress, and hen heals back bigger and stronger. Get your protein in and give it some time to recover.
No.292126
>>292125I think they recommend no sexual stimulation for like a month. I guess it's a blessing I don't get morning wood very often anymore.
No.292140
More renter troubles. This time it was a food addict who made a big deal about not having enough money for rent, and then just blatantly stuffed his face full of McDonalds in front of me literally an half an hour later. Then trying to deny it later by going "Oh, that's what you think it was, you have it all wrong" all smug. I just watched him over three days buying coke, junk food and whatever else he wanted.
Then when I tell him that's not acceptable, he has to pay his bills on time and he can't live here anymore, he just blabbers arguing with me about it for literally hours, throwing every manipulative rhetoric technique in the book at me. I treat it as a massive joke and just sit there listening to him calling me callous, saying I lack empathy, saying that's the reason I'm alone in life.
People on here are too hard on themselves. The amount of people I meet who just burn bridge after bridge but are fine in life is staggering. The autistic shut ins from wizchan who live in their room and are non-confrontational would be like me striking gold. It's all I want, someone who will pay the set amount, not bring any problems, leave me alone and just go about their life.
Judging by the people I have through, almost nobody on here would actually end up alone in life. There's a barely functional underclass oblivious to all their personal problems that are fine.
No.292141
>>292140raise the rent or appeal to students. The moment you go beyond retard wage levels you stop having the bad tenant problem
No.292145
>>291261i have and want to kill myself very soon. i never cared or celebrated birthdays. but now my final one is coming, and i don't even want to experience it.
happy birthday to me
No.292150
>>292145I think birthday celebrations became a social regulation just so relatives or affiliations with can have free food. And happy birthday, whoever you are…
No.292152
>>292145Why not killing who made you miserable instead?
No.292153
>>291376I once read: Avoiding conflict makes you start a war inside yourself.
No.292156
>shut in NEET
>go to a nearby coffee shop at a gas station once a day
>literally the only social interaction I get
>the staff just constantly give me passive aggressive shit for not having a job
>"Always working, super busy, what about you, are you working? Do you have job yet?"
What the fuck is the problem with normies? I literally do nothing and they despise me. Obviously you could take one look at me and see I'm not mentally well enough to work.
No.292159
>>292156>I literally do nothing and they despise me.Normies hate you for not fitting into society.
No.292164
Tell them for each his own job. Your job is simply being better than them.
No.292165
>>292156Doing nothing is like a crime to them. You need to *love* the system and serve it with your own labor
No.292170
>>292159They created this cucked society in their foolishness thrives, wwhere psychos rob everyone in exchange for public crappy services. Since the door to such crap is open they want you to drag in along with their idiocy. They deserve even worse than the anger they suffer about you.
No.292172
I went outside today, it was beautiful sunny day with flowers everywhere, birds chirping, not too hot, not too cold, no crowds, i had no reason whatsoever to complain about anything and yet i couldn't enjoy it at all, when i got back i just ate some slop and went back to sleep.
i don't know what to do this life soon will become completely unbearable.
when everything is so terrible it has to be something wrong with me, not the world, being any animal, even shit eating bug would be better than being me on this day.
No.292173
>>292156How did the worker knew you’re a NEET? Is he the same employee ever since you started to shop at that store?
No.292174
>>292172> i had no reason whatsoever to complain about anything and yet i couldn't enjoy it at allAh I thought I was the only one who failed to live in the moment. Is it because you had other things in your mind that isn’t related or can’t be done in the physical world? Our situation is pretty similar, just saying…
No.292181
>>292173It's like 4 different employees there doing it, including the owner, and it's a small town so rumors travel fast. I've decided to stop going there.
No.292192
>>291261I want to sleep and never wake up
This world is trash, the universe is trash, there is no escape from the trashiness, the few highs are just minutes of distraction from the trash
Hopelessness and despair are the only answers I have come up with
No.292193
>>292172Experienced the very same thing several times already. I used to enjoy thriving spring when I was kiddo. What the fuck has happened to me I have no idea.
>>292192Some people have so many distraction that they do not notice trashiness at all. That's understandable, when I play games days long I sort of forget the nature of the world too. But then it comes crushing down on your head. It's not hopelessness and despair. It's much worse, it's an illusion of possibility of being otherwise. Hopelessness is so much easier to bear than false hope.
No.292198
>>291875it could just be lack of tolerance?
If you drink it daily it has a totally different effect
No.292208
renew the cert please
>have a fuckton of problems to solve
>nah just gonna play some games
>wake up one day realizing the problems accumulated into enormously large boulder and are cascading down on you
>realize there's nothing you can do about it and it's already too late
>deliberate whether you should be playing some more games or preparing for suicide
>realize that's a thought pattern of a degenerate
>grin at your own degeneracy
>proceed wasting time posting instead
sometimes when i say i wish i didn't wake up i'm not joking
No.292228
>>292140Holy fuck this was one of the worst experiences of my life.
He just wouldn't leave. I tracked down his family through the government records and had to get them to help me get rid of this insane man. The next stop was the police. He just would blabber at me "arguing" for hours, just constantly trying to debate about why he should be allowed to live here. He just called me a callous sociopath non-stop and blabbered on and on about how I'm in the wrong. One hour, two hours, three hours… it just wouldn't stop.
I tracked down his family and they just looked at each other with a sigh, as if this has happened many a times. As he was moving his shit out the fat retard couldn't help but blabber on about how he forgives me for my clear mental illness and how if I continue down the path I'm going down, I'll be alone in life. How he has several other options and he took this one because he had pity on me. I just couldn't believe this clearly delusional guy, insane in his own world, with nothing but a deregistered vehicle illegal to drive, chronic debt and morbid obesity. Even though he already had chronic health aliments in his early 30s and used a breathing machine, pissed in jars as he was too fat to make it to the toilet, is about three years from diabetes, he just thinks he's hot shit. He just leaves a trail of destruction in his wake, I found out he gets served eviction notice after eviction notice and he remains oblivious to it in his own world where he is the good guy and everyone else is irredeemably evil. I just stared at him with sheer bewilderment as he went through all this drama like it was usual. It actually made me reflect on myself where I brood over even the most minor mistakes, it was like meeting my direct opposite.
I've been around clear cut criminal sociopaths, and had to tardwrangle them around, but even they've realized when a fight is lost and just keep their head down for those two weeks notice, as it's in their best interest. This guy seems to be legitimately brain damaged, because he financially fucked himself over in this in that he had to cancel three days of work shifts, money he will never get back, and be stuck jump starting his car in the middle of the night in the rain while the mechanic abuses him.
My mistake was thinking that because this guy was totally dependent on me, he'd just keep his head down, pay his bills and get by if I had a zero tolerance policy. Like the retards I get straight from prison who I manage. It seems large segments of the underclass are so functionally retarded that they're incapable of acting even in their own rational best interest.
No.292234
>>292228I am always fascinated by this kind of people that just go on rating forever never failing to find a new unique sentiment to try and affect you.
No.292236
The moment I come home after a week away to hear politics ranting within 5 minutes. Forgetting stuff exists is a pleasure.
No.292241
OH SHIT
today's the day when emptiness strikes with its full force. this is batshit crazy goddamn it. ironically it might be because i had to actually go out today and you know life thriving and all this fucking shit
i remember a meme that explained why hikkis hate every season and it perfectly makes sense. autumn and winter resonate with emptiness while spring and summer just plain mock it.
that's when you feel it's truly you against the world
No.292245
Did you notice how if you spend morning browsing boards your brain ends up setting itself up for browsing them for the rest of the day? It seems sleeping with your phone is a bad idea really
No.292386
Morning. First 20 minutes in after waking up. I ALREADY fucking feel tired, overwhelmed and spent. What the fuck. I have not even started looking into all the shit this broken world forces on me today and I already want to kill myself. This is some new level of tired. It's just the fact that I need to do something that drives me crazy. I feel like a machine with very limited computation time that is forces to drive an AI hashing pictures into multidimensional text descriptions. This is new level of unbearable. There is nothing that presses me in particular, it's just some vague feeling with no particular origin and it drives me crazy. Reminds of a video about psychotic anxiety. I'd say it's some kind of shit of the same kind. Just a feeling that pops up out of nowhere and proceeds to torture you throughout the day for no fucking reason. Let's see if I can win.
No.292399
>>292386>need to do somethingThen fight against that. Go even lazier or something… the more you bite the rotting, alienated energy from the normalmasses outside the worse it gets. Introduce yourself to the idea of being stationary.
Are you one of these?
https://sanctuarybykristenrice.com/bloghome/humandesignprojectorsIf you are, this vague feeling makes some sense: it'd nothing inside you but outside energy
No.292408
I feel fucked and I can't help it. I don't know why. It just happens, kind of. I guess life is not for me.
No.292409
>>292408They tell me death is even worse
No.292410
>>292409You mean the voices in your head?
No.292415
It saddens me how the phrase "dead inside" is abused. I wonder if those people really ever truly felt dead inside. If they really know what it's like to wake up and genuinely, unironically, wholeheartedly wish you didn't
No.292421
I'M UTTERLY DEPRESSED
No.292431
I remember a video of a guy executed by a shot of a shotgun. His head was just blasted to pieces. At moments like this I think he fared quite well actually. My problems are mostly minor, but due to some mental illness I experience profound suffering even after minor inconveniences, and you know, quick death is a hundred times better than slow meaningless torture.
No.292433
>>292421ehh you're fine, rub some dirt in it
No.292434
>>292433now think once more and try to figure out if you really needed to get your pincers in this thread. there are tons of places to troll elsewhere
No.292436
>>292435
>try exercising
done
>go on walks
well not really
>get enough vitamin d
what's it
>change your diet
i eat good
>have a positive attitude
cheers man
>Get a hobby instead
right away
No.292437
>>292434it's just lighthearted bantz, get over yourself faggot lol
what is anyone even supposed to say to your brainfart?
No.292447
Sleep, eat, suffer.
No.292449
>>292447sleep, eat, brainfartpost.
No.292451
i need to off myself really bad
No.292458
>>292451Not even a single thought of revenge? Letting the enemy celebrate your definitive absence just like that?
No.292459
>>292458what are you on about, faggot? if i ever off myself, i'll spit my life in their filthy faces and laugh at them celebrating their own misery. you're too stupid to speak about revenge. fuck off.
No.292460
>>292459Did you want to try writing that post again? It doesn't make much sense as it is now.
No.292461
>>292459I am now starting to doubt you really were
>>292451 No.292462
>>292460That's exactly what (s)he intends. wants others to get shortcircuited within its twistedness. If you ever get confused by something people do to you, know that confusion might actually be the objective of such actions, so we often may get dulled at our own fawning, without even thinking that such could be the proper answer sometimes. Some people can see things about you that you cannot, and use these blind points badly
No.292463
>>292460oh yeah i'll lower the amount of aggression and explain properly. i often feel really bad and want to off myself, but do not find it worthy of myself to have some "revenge" on people i do not give a fuck about. i do not find anyone guilty. i really don't give a shit about others. for me revenge is something deeply personal and is only worth it in very exceptional cases. i will not elaborate, because i have headache, but you get the idea. i don't like that faggot going around shilling "revenge". if he feels like getting "revenge" he should do it himself. i'm not his personal army. i want him to fuck off.
No.292471
Breathing lilac and thinking about suicide gives some very weird vibes I swear. You need to try it really.
No.292473
>>292463>people I do not give a fuck aboutIt's quite a tantrum to not be giving anything about
>I want him to fuck offNot so sorry, there is so many people out there with better guts than you have. I'd be such a failure to stop this for the mere sake of your unstable persona and many suicidal wizards can still do a service to all others if they simply choose to take the lives of their mobs while also taking their own. It seems you are way too narrow to understand such an obvious thing.
No.292484
>>292473Say hello to your fbi operator faggot. You couldn't be any more obvious.
No.292514
I've concluded my unwillingness and poor ability at socializing is a sign of me having low IQ. How do I fix this?
No.292515
>>292514You conducted wrong. "Low IQ" is not a scapegoat for ever poor choice and failure you ever had. Your unwillingness to socialize is a choice, and your poor ability to socialize is a consequence of that choice. If you want to get better at socializing, then go socialize.
No.292516
>>292515What a horrible post. What about people with legitimate neurological disorders that not only ostracize you socially but make it painful?
You are one of those delusionals who think everyone has a choice in every matter and genetics don't matter at all.
No.292518
>>292516He's right though. Low IQ can't be fixed, so unless you are firmly set on suicide you had best not focus your mindset around having "low IQ".
Anyway if you are really obsessed with this IQ thing at least take a test in a professional setting, so you can put at least some degree of trust into the result.
No.292519
>>292516>What about people with legitimate neurological disorders that not only ostracize you socially but make it painful?What about them? Having Low IQ or any of these vague disorders doesn't increase the chances of running in to a psycho-sociopath who will right click on the wizard, see that his charisma stat is low, and proceed to mock him relentlessly for it. You're exchanging one broad scapegoat ("low iq") for another ("neurological disorder"). We're sorry the cards you were dealt didn't make you a naturally good speaker, but it still stands that no matter how mentally draining or painful it is, forcing yourself to socialize is the only way to get better at it. News flash: The path to growth isn't swept and lined with roses. Everything has challenges. If he can type a post on an imageboard, he can chat weather with the guy at the bus stop.
Where is this endemic "whataboutism" coming from, anyway? It's like, someone can't suggest that a guy is in control of choosing when to drink a cup of coffee without you types coming in with
>What about if some normalfoid (Your type doesn't say "fag" because you yourselves are fags) FORCES him to drink a coffee? What if he has psychological disorder that makes it so he MUST drink coffee? Huh, what about that? Predeterminism is FACT. Genetics determine EVERYTHING so don't generalize by saying "huur durr just buy a coffee maker bro".Jeeze aloo!!!!
Returning to
>>292514>I've concluded my unwillingness and poor ability at socializing is a sign of me having low IQ. How do I fix this?Get a higher IQ score number. This can be done in two ways:
- Memorize the answers for the test you took and retake itor
- Eat well, rest well, exercise well, avoid poisons and self-destructive actions + thoughtsBoth will give you a higher IQ score number. Once the number reaches 100, you can start socializing like a trve "The chad stride" guy
No.292520
>>292515>for ever poor choice and failure you ever had>choiceYou think it happened overnight? I'm terrible at carrying conversations, doesn't matter with whom. It happened over and over and over again. I tried getting gud, but nothing stuck to my brain. And I couldn't come up with witty comments on the fly. That's the reason behind my unwillingness. You can only play and lose a game for so long before swearing it off forever.
>If you want to get better at socializing, then go socialize.With whom lol. On mainstream websites, you get banned for having remotely dissident or politically incorrect opinions, on imageboards and more "degenerate" friendly places, you get shat on and ostracized by cliques.
>>292516yeeeeeah, neurological disorders! I suspect I might have actual brain damage from chronic disease. Proper blood flow is very important but I'm getting cold feet already..
>>292518>so unless you are firmly set on suicide you had best not focus your mindset around having "low IQ".
>so unless you are firmly set on suicide you had best not focus your mindset around having "low IQ".I'm focused on whatever will yield the biggest bang (success) for my limited buck (time and effort).
Fuck me, I just cannot change my ways.
>>292519You're frying my brain….! I'll try to reply
>Having Low IQ or any of these vague disorders doesn't increase the chances of running in to a psycho-sociopath who will right click on the wizard, see that his charisma stat is low, and proceed to mock him relentlessly for it.You know how lolcows are born right? Stupid, naive people do in fact run into psychopaths who easily make them their playthings.
>forcing yourself to socialize is the only way to get better at it.As I said above, you simply do not get the perspective of a low iq low energy outcast. He has to expertly manage the cards he was dealt, and make do with that. You really want me to spend half of my life (because I'm fucking stupid and it takes me forever to learn and adapt) at the expense of everything else that I could be enjoying or trying to improve at? Which again, is not really much for stupid people like myself.
>If he can type a post on an imageboard, he can chat weather with the guy at the bus stop.I can't though. I'm softly spoken and if I raise my voice too much people get mad.
>It's like, someone can't suggest that a guy is in control of choosing when to drink a cup of coffeeFree will is probably a myth. Yes.
>Returning to >>292514I'm too poor for a proper IQ test lol. But you will have to take my word for it, I'm really low IQ. I don't need a test for that.
>you can start socializingWith whom? A lot of the internet is starting to feel like actual bots. I'm old too. And ESL if it wasn't obvious. But I'm just bad at my native language as well. If you're not naturally charismatic, the next best thing is having a high IQ that helps you navigate social situations in "nerd" settings like the one we're having right now. I don't have that either. Experiences? Lol. Lmao even. Genuine joy from socializing? Can't, too jaded. I could go on and on but you're lying to yourself if you really think it isn't about IQ. Well IQ and looks but that's for real life. Online I just cannot compete
No.292526
>>292519False. Iq is hereditary, which is why entire countries like Somalia have an avg. of 70 while Japan has 108.
No.292527
Pregabalin helps my anxiety but not 100%. Anything that I could add to it to remove it completely? Debilitating anxiety is my primary reason for depression.
No.292529
>>292514Stop being a failed normalbrat
>>292515Still a scapegoat for many many poor choices.
>>292527Confront your fear.
No.292533
>>292529stop being retarded please
>Confront your fear.i wish you get stricken by psychotic anxiety for once
No.292534
>>292529>failed normalbratGod forbid someone wishes to socialize after a lifetimes of friendlessness and random anonymous interactions that never lead anywhere right?
No.292535
>>292527Honestly nothing other than either addressing the underlying cause of anxiety or metabolic dysfunction will help. I've heard some describe pregabalin as "poor mans benzo" because it kinda feels similar but works quite differently, yet still carries dependence risk. I don't know how urgently you need, like if you need it to hold down your job, or just to feel less shitty as a neet. But if I were you I'd try to fix it from the metabolic perspective, or idk try other things like ashwagandha.
I don't think it's possible to 100% remove it anyway.
No.292589
Nay, my life isn't bad enough, I've got to be boiling in my own sweet because it's not just hot inside my flat, it's fucking goddamn hell
No.292605
>>292589If you can't install AC, at least get a cooling fan. Doesn't really "cool" the air but the skin will feel a lot cooler all day.
No.292608
A couple months ago I was forced to start taking SSRIs. Initially I was reluctant because I had moral objections and concerns about permanent side effects, but these fears subsided when I started feeling better than ever. Every day I was just so happy to be alive, sometimes I would stop in the middle of what I was doing and realize what a joy it is, or just lay down doing nothing and take it all in. Even just thinking about the beauty of this experience can bring me to tears. Unfortunately this only lasted about a month or so, at some point I lost it without even realizing it. Now I am feeling more like what I was before taking this drug, and it is very brutal. I want to go back to never ending joy.
No.292610
>>292534May God heal him from such deranged point of wiew, rather.
No.292611
>>292608Behold the chemical lobotomy.
>A couple months ago I was forced to start taking SSRIsYou could have thrown them in the trash.
>Initially I was reluctant because I had moral objections and concerns about permanent side effectsYou had reasonable worries about the safety of a drug that inhibits your ability to worry about things, and upon taking them suddenly you stopped having worries? Like a virus that attacks the immune system directly.
>Now I am feeling more like what I was before taking this drug, and it is very brutal. I want to go back to never ending joyThat's the idea. Now you'll need more of the drugs, more powerful drugs even, to feel good again. And then your body's defenses will stop those drugs from working so you'll need even scarier stuff. Before you know it you'll be dependent on a bowl full of pills just to feel normal, and in moments of clarity you'll begin to wonder why several years of your life seem to have vanished with no memories of that time. Your fears of long-term side effects came true. It's not too late to take back your basic emotional palette and reclaim your ability to question and doubt.
No.292651
It's almost over, huh. Gotta wait a bit longer and that's it. I guess it's gonna be pretty clear by the end of June. Unless I'm ultra lucky, which I ofc am not, it's going to be over. Well, almost over. I think I'll live to the end of this year, but I am almost certainly gonna be dead by the end of 2025. I don't even feel anything about it anymore. Not now. Not until it happens. I hope it's quick.
No.292668
>>292667That made me smile :), thank you.
No.292669
God is not malicious. When a cat eats a mouse you say it's good and natural. When the system eats a man you call it malicious hand of god. Hypocrites.
No.292671
>>292669I never said it,i'm against everything life stands which is mostly consuming to survive whether it's meat or whatever. But i just wanted to rant, i don't really believe in the literal Demiurge depiction. I think we, each of us is the demiurge locked into experiencing eachother for all eternity. Or it's all bullshit yet we still suffer. End rant.
No.292672
>>292669That's so ironic, it's like god tries every possible way to fuck you over and never attain true happiness. We would eventually meet our match and it's gonna be the A.I that will confuse our perception of reality and the internet.
No.292673
>>292669>When a cat eats a mouse you say it's good and natural.What pervert says this
No.292697
>>292673I do. Cats got to eat. You want them to starve?
No.292701
>>292697Well, we could also throw them into any zoo's hyena cage. Still natural.
No.292712
hey hey!
it's another wasted day!
another failure on my shoulders!
another step to die by boulders!
No.292721
Sometimes I feel like taking a very large loan and max out my credit cards and just getting in a plane to Japan and spend 3 awesome months there and just kill myself later in some forest , they can’t go after my family or our house for this kind of debt so the debt would die with me.
I don’t know if that’s possible in the US but is certainly possible where I live, the $20600 pre approved loan on my bank is making me consider it sometimes…
No.292723
>>292698Sad this is somewhat relatable, man my life is a joke.
No.292725
>>292721Back in 2009 when it was easier to get unsecured loans as a young person I did just that, I took out about 20-30k (the most I could) in credits including all sorts of new phones and tablets which I then resold brand new at a 20% loss for more free cash.
I planned to KMS after the money ran out, but my depression got to the point where I could barely get out of bed. Here I am 15 years later.
My credit history is reseting to a blanks late again in 2 years and if I do it again, it's definitely going to be your way.
Take out the maximum I can, travel with it as much as I can, then when it's obvious I no longer have anything left to sustain life, drown somewhere or walk in traffic.
I don't regret doing what I did for a second. Not worrying about money made 2009-2010 the best years of my life and youth. The *only* good years in my life.
No.292740
>>292725>falling for usurySlave…
No.292743
>>292740How is he a slave if he never intends to repay it.
No.292771
>>292743Ooh, that's quite interesting.
Every suicidal wizard should do this before offing!
No.292776
>>292775
might as well make an upvote system
No.292778
nonononot this feeling again please no
fuck it
ahh
damn
stupid piece of shit
i've got to get busy
but there's nothing i have energy to do
No.292841
>>291667I think it was till July 16, so there's still time not to download the app to update the data. Then prolly commission for being medically unfit and my mother already had threatened that after that NEETdom would be over. Somehow I even forget about that scenario in the past.
No.292843
>>292778don't jerk off or have lustful thoughts for a month, then simply tap into that sperm energy in your balls. first time i did, felt like i was goku or some shit. i washed the dishes AND took a shower, that's how energized i was. currently collecting spermies for my next kamehame wave (cleaning my room and playing 5 minutes of a video game)
No.292845
>>292843>i washed the dishes AND took a shower,Hopefully not at the same time
No.292862
>>292843don't gaslight me sir.
>don't jerk off for a monthone month isn't gonna do anything
>no lustful thoughtsimpossible. squelching them is feasible though. actually, if you don't deject them you'll end up jerking off, so nofap implies battling against lust
>tap into that sperm energy in your ballssorry i don't do drugs
>felt like i was goku or some shitnever felt anything like that. never felt any benefits of nofap at all, even after months of nofap. i only do nofap to harden my will.
>i washed the dishes AND took a showerwow wiz that sounds awful
No.292877
i promised i would be productive and actually do something useful
12 hours ago
No.292936
>>292877This but 12 years ago
No.293021
>>291365I think they measure depending on how long the person lives before they finally succumb to death, how long their pain receptors work I suppose.
No.293023
>>291553lol'd, it's quite funny that this guy being alive destroys his argument.
No.293024
Piss jug broke. Mother declined to get a new one and started her crap about being normal whole providing examples like my cousin's fucker. Could've talk about normalfag filthy, scum and pronatalist ways including bashing that example, but didn't have time to remember ultrafast. Plus they don't have conscience regarding that either way.
Instead mentioned how my toys, drawings on a paper and a 5-year work in a form of 48-sheet copybook got thrown away. Forgot about books from my childhood. Of course, it's either denial of making, denial of harm level or belittling of harm. Like "I said sorry" and nothing more. Despite being explained all life and months beforehand, and no way out, completely destroyed without even checking every page plus other pages with a cross (like a checkmark) still made it seem still usable even despite mother's misunderstanding of the cross meaning. Noone checked shit. Mentioned it to say, if I buy a cup, don't throw it away or I'll do the same. Don't want to reach their low level, but no other choice.
Visiting local convenience store could be me first leaving my home in about 2 years, though I think I did opened the apartment building door slightly to see if the cat was outside once.
No.293026
I suddenly thought about how different lives are for neurotypical people. I wonder if any of them actually had to put effort into speaking normally. Usually I don't care, but today it for some reason dawned on me. I feel so weird that I have to actually concentrate and be very careful when speaking to keep my pitch "normal", otherwise I speak like a book case autist. My pitch is entirely broken and my diction doesn't exist. For them it is something so easy, but for me it is a constant mental struggle. Also I have not even once succeed in actually faking normal speech, so I personally consider social masking a stupid joke, but I really don't want to put off people, not because I care about their opinion, but because 60% unironically think I'm crazy. Some even threatened to call psychic ward lmao.
No.293027
>>293026Also it took me 20+ years to learn to speak fluently, when I was 13-15 years old my speech was so extremely ragged and unlistenable that when I taped my voice and listened to it I paled in horror
No.293102
>Get severely mentally ill
>shut myself in my room for weeks
>Dad insists I come out to see relatives for breakfast
>barely any sleep for days, depersonalized, fucked the entire time
>because I'd been heavily drinking over the previous few days, had to go toilet a lot
>sit back at the table at the cafe
>think I see white birdshit on my hands
>loudly cry out "yuck, a bird has shat on me"
>awkward moment
>suddenly realize I hadn't wiped my ass properly and it was my own shit
That's done it, I'll never talk to or speak to any relative there at that table again. Everyone tried to defuse the situation making out it was okay, or whatever else. But I'm at the level of a Chris Chan retard now it seems, I've been forgetting things for a while now and I notice when I write there's sometimes words missing. All this drinking and no sleep is catching up on me.
But beyond that, it's not that I'm worried they'll mock me for it. I'm just worried I'll be seen that way, that I'll have to forever witness people washing their hands after interacting with me, or questioning themselves around me. I'm sick of being dragged to family gatherings, guilted into going, just to be this depersonalized schizo staring out into space. People say it's alright, and it's probably alright. But I'd rather be alone in life than seen that way.
I've lost so much dignity over the years being dragged out to shit when I'm not well, being pushed to work when I'm not well. I just added up the hundreds of days of misery I've experienced just suffering through some shit I'll apparently feel better through when I'm there, just to repetitively make a fool of myself.
No.293107
>>293102you're not mentally ill, you're just a braindead alky drunkard that's so wasted he can't even wipe his ass properly. wizards don't go out to "cafes", lurk more before posting. crying about spending a couple weeks in your room is another big tell that you're a normalfag tourist, down in the dumps because he overdid his drugs and gave himself brain damage.
No.293111
>>293107"Normalfags" hole up in their room, shit their pants, are drunk and disoriented 24/7?
Get a reality check. And I'm not that poster
No.293115
>>293111yeah, druggie and alky normalfags do. i'm in my room 24/7 because i can't handle going outside emotionally at all. all their psychological issues come from abusing substances and consequent brain damage.
don't think that just because someone has a sad story and a reason to be depressed, that he actually fits in here. lots of normalfags treat this place as a depression resort, asking for suicide advice and coming here to wallow in self-pity before bouncing back. he won't even answer this because he's already gone, he's a classic tourist. i've been here for so long i can easily detect them lol
No.293116
>>293107It's not hard to buy alcohol, and it's common to have family insist you come out (I really should be more thankful)
No.293118
Anyone just get homicidal urges to kill their parents? They pretty much set me up to fail and it's hard to act on the impulse.
No.293120
>oh he's depressed
>oh it's just an angsty teenager phase
>he wants to die
>oh it's just a phase
>he grew up and didn't kill himself
>oh it must mean he stopped wanting it because it was just a phase
I'll phase my way out of this living fucking hell eventually as I should have ages ago, I went from not wanting to live to not wanting to exist into not wanting to die because I hate people so much that thinking about the idea that once I die that my soul might become one with the souls of other people that I despise, it makes me want to become a living vegetable, and I'm well on my way to that as well. I hate everyone and everything so much that I don't even want to say anything because if I end up talking, I'll be having some type of connection to people which implies that I want to talk to them, when in reality I just want to off myself.
No.293124
>>293089Getting drafted and dying in war as a "sacrifice" for a society that doesn't give a fuck about you / considers you lesser - to protect normalfags and femoids is disgusting and pure evil. I'd rather kill myself or go to jail.
No.293125
>>291261Sometimes I get tired of being the problem.
I'll lie to myself and "fake it until I make it", but the crushing reality of having no one to talk to, constantly standing around like a dipshit when around other people because no one thinks I'm interesting enough to talk to. Have fun with your faggy cliques you supposed Ubermenchs of society. Oooh look at me and my fancy job and education.
>"Oh why are you leaving, anon? We totally want you to stay"Yeah fuck you. Just WAITING for me to be vulnerable so you can squish me like a fly for being some spergy loser.
>inb4 "shut up fakecel failed normalfag gtfo"Fuck you and die faggot I'm still trying. I'm posting here so obviously everything isn't "all right" with me. One of our family friend's is really going through it. Cycles of binge drinking and smoking. Manages to hold on to a gf, so that's good for him. I wonder how he's feeling. I hope he doesn't also post here.
No.293135
Why did I have to be so fucking ugly? I don't even care about getting succubi, I just want to go outside without people staring at me like I'm some sort of monster. I have been living hiding from the world for most of my life. I have been depressed since I was in my early teens, now I'm in my mid 30's and I feel like depression is finally winning the fight.
No.293136
>>293118Don't, a lot of young zoomers are killing their parents and it's creepy and weird. Yeah they fucked you over but chill out, just wait for inheritance because they won't be there forever, appreciate your parents and the simple life you have.
No.293138
>>293135Same but with being short, literally people always belittle me and treat me like shit or never take me seriously. I wanna be super tall big and strong and fucking kick everyone ass, i'm tired of being a weak pussy
No.293139
>>293138It's a fact of life I would never have been bullied if I was jacked and 6'4 instead of my current skinnyfat 5'3 form.
In fact I've tried working out ever since I was 15 and my genes don't even allow me to put on muscle mass.
No.293140
>>293139>my genesFuck off. Unless you have a one-in-a-million disease, your genetic makeup is never a hindrance to building muscle. Furthermore, there are libraries worth of stories about tall, large framed men being picked on all the same as short skeletons such as yourself. Why would you think being 6'4"+ meant things would be different for you? Would you have looked at yourself better, and therefor treated yourself better, and therefor carried an attitude that wouldn't be so receptive to bullying? Why not just adopt this attitude anyway?
No.293142
>>293140Not him, but it's scientifically proven that tall people are treated with more respect.
No.293144
>>293140Moron. By virtue of being larger and stronger than 99% of the population, most bullies just back off. They pick soft targets, their worst fear is being beaten by the person they attack, which would completely humiliate them in front of their peers.
I got constantly picked on in school for being smaller than other students, even succubi.
No.293167
Things have been getting worse and worse in general and I’m sadder now than a year ago, I think I posted before about taking a loan and just spending it all and then killing myself.
I think I will just do that, I don’t know exactly when but Im sure that this is what will happen eventually, it’s probably a fact at at this point.
I’m just waiting for my breaking point, and honestly I hope that it’s soon, going out with a bang is what everyone here should do.
No.293168
>>291272I would probably change places with your dad if I could anon, lately I’ve been feeling envious of my grandparents that are both dead, at least they don’t have to suffer everyday like I do.
No.293169
>>2931405'3 as a man isn't great. You're about as tall the average succubus if not a bit shorter.6'4/6'+ in general are less likely to get bullied unless they're ugly, deformed, mentally ill, etc. As a shorter guy building muscle/strength is easier but you'll be seen as a "coper".
No.293170
>>293140Nice bait, i've been bullied by both men and succubi, even succubi straight up always mentioning im short all the time and always reject me. But tall dudes were so respected and glamourized in school and always had gf or friends. It's just natural selection, people don't like weak and inferior people, only thing you can do is hangout with other inferior people and get away from normalfags.
No.293171
why the fuck isn't this site fixxed yet
>>293170>succubi straight up always mentioning im short all the time and always reject me>reject meRejecting how? Are you flirting with them or something?
Crazy how anytime someone reminds us that being "bullied" as an adult doesn't mean jack shit, the butthurt pajeet crabs crawl out of the bayou to holler stuff like
>ACTUALLY EVERY TIME I GO OUTSIDE, EVERYONE KICKS ME AND PUSHED ME DOWN AND THE SUCCUBI STAB ME WITH KNIVED WHILE LAUGHING AND TAKING PHOTOS OF ME, ALL BECAUSE I'M SHORTDelusions of the overly self-conscious should be kept to themselves as to not promote such a dangerous mindset.
No.293172
>>293171So that faggots like you who deny the real experiences and suffering of wizards have a hard time posting
No.293174
>>293171nonono i didn't flirt or do anything, she just kept saying i was short and weird, i worded this wrong, i never even held hands, SPARE ME
No.293177
I want to draw so much but I'm poor and will never afford a decent drawing tablet. I'm a NEET in a poor country, the currency is toilet paper, there are no jobs that pay enough that I can afford it. It hurts so much, I'll never draw in my whole life. I wish I could express how much I love drawing, I wish I could do nothing but draw all day every day, like 14 hours a day. Maybe it doesn't matter, I tried drawing on paper with a pencil for like 5 minutes one day and I sucked at it, worse than anything that has been ever posted on /ic/, I have only drawn for like 20 minutes in my whole life but I think maybe I don't have the talent and I'm a retard that cant't learn but still I wish I could at least try it and see if I can do it. Drawing is the only thing that really picks my interest, I wish so much I could draw beautiful things and share my ideas and so on. I also wish I could make music but I don't know where to even start, I'm musically illiterate, and instruments and equipment are all expensive too anyways. It's all just unrealistic pipe dreams for a subhuman like me but it hurts so much and I wish so much it were possible. I don't care about anything else, I just spend all day every day agonizing about how much I wish I could draw but can't because I'm poor. It hurts thinking of all the things I wish I could draw.
This life is over, there's no point in trying anything anymore, everythin went wrong and there's no fixing it. I just wish I could reincarnate after I die, I wish I had another chance. I feel like I didn't live my own life, I didn't get to "be myself", this life was a disaster so I wish I could reincarnate to try again. I think it's not my fault that I ended like this, there are a lot of things that happened beyond my control, I think my case is different and I can't fit everything into a single post, I just wish I had another chance, I didn't really have a chance, so I wish I could reincarnate or go back in time to when I was like 3 years old and start over from zero. If possible I wish I could reincarnate back in time in this era, the 2000s and 2010s, I really like this period. It doesn't matter. It seems impossible to translate what I feel and think into words. I really suck at English, at languages in general. I wish there were a god or an angel that saw everything that ever happened and knew how I feel. I'll just take it to the grave.
No.293185
Was going to post this somewhere else but it’s a waste of time :
I don’t kill myself because of family, and it’s a shit fucking life. I’ve been suicidal for 22 years, I became fully accepting of suicide being right for me and ready to die 13 years ago. I have multiple disabled family members and blah blah they have shit lives, my now sick mother tried hard for me and I turned out barely able to function while wanting to blow my brains out. I’m objectively useful and suicide would break them beyond their already crappy hand in life, and even then when things get too bad I can be a negative force in people’s lives and it’s debatable whether suicide is the lesser of evils; those days are tempting.
I’ve been trespassing in an existence that should have ended decades ago. Trying for years and getting nowhere. I’ve lived a life I never should have and I would throw it away in an instant, I have had nice times, I have had nice experiences with family, and I would not have cared if I’d killed myself 20 years ago and missed out on all of it. If my family weren’t involved it would have been the right decision to.
Not killing yourself for family just freezes you on the ledge, stops you from jumping. It doesn’t actually give you anything, there’s no waking up and realising your family loves you and that’s some life changing event. Values and meaning are just luck if they create anything other than years of drudgery where you can’t even tell people the reason you are alive, living lies pretending you want something here.
It doesn’t matter though, this is what we are condemned to. There is peace when the universe kills us and it’s out of our hands and sense of responsibility. I really am tempted to just do it when my mum dies, do I really need to stick around for my brothers. We will see won’t we.
No.293186
>>293185The thing is, the universe is just this chaotic arbitrary sandbox game. Like you I trespassed and extended my life well beyond my years, I should have naturally died at around age 18-20.
Then for inexplicable reasons the world decided to give me money at age 35 from dumb risk taking, so much of it that I rarely worry anymore.
And reconnected with childhood friends before that.
Some health issues fixed themselves instead of me decaying further and further.
Sometimes life does get better with time, but not because some arbitrary judge is doling out justice; It can simply happen due to pure dumb luck.
Outside third world hellscapes, nobodys fate is sealed. Everything is in a constant potential flux, upset or radical change. Even the life of a permanently depressed ghost who was supposed to end it decades ago.
No.293190
back at my fathers, living in absolute squalor with bugs, heat, crying children, filth everywhere, roaches everywhere, dilapidated walls, 2 hours of sleep a night, constant noise starting at 7 am not ending until 2 in the morning, people up at night walking around, drunk rednecks everywhere.
maybe i should just kill myself?
No.293191
>>293190currently hearing a dude violently vomiting at 8 AM in the morning.
No.293231
>>293192ive figured out the human mind is capable of adapting to any situation no matter how bad
No.293249
I am special and I am completely alone in the world.
No.293251
>>293249I think like that, we all think like that
No.293252
>>293251It can be true of all of us
No.293263
I hate having to see people more successful than me
No.293268
>>293266you ever heard of a notepad and a pencil?
No.293270
>>293269
could you tell us what you'll talk with god? if it is too much personnal it's ok if you don't share with us
No.293273
>>293270Why the micropenis?
No.293276
>>293273I wish I had a big dick too
No.293309
Suicide is a true salvation for some.
No.293429
I wish i could just disappear, but I really don't wanna die.
No.293430
>>293429I wish dying wasn't so dramatic and scary or painful, why can't it be pleasurable and peaceful? Only way to die peacefully is get incredibly old and have your pain receptors numbed to hell.
No.293439
Depression erases so much. My mother worked so hard to try and help me, she tried to support me whenever I showed a mild interest, she did everything right, and where did it end up? She got sick and I’m grinding through attempts to be a functioning human being. She thought I would be something and I’m a middle aged mentally ill dude barely able to function, seeing the failure and decay of good intentions and doing everything right failing.
She still tells me she loves me and reminds me she will love me no matter what, she knows I want to kill myself even though I never bring it up to spare her. She tries, I try, and there’s just nothing there.
No.293450
i remembered how once some succubus asked me for money for medicine near a pharmacy, and i declined. now i can't afford any, how the tables have turned, kek. i'd say it's karma but i'm not stupid enough.
No.293456
>>291610>>291619I understand that anon too.
No.293457
The sum of human technological progress is an artificial intelligence which has consumed the entire artistic output of humanity, and, I use it to generate songs about how I want to kill myself. Holding me over until I can kill myself. The dreams of man.
No.293470
good news: finally got an okay job. i’ve made nearly 11 grand but i am still at home with my money hungry mother and i only have 2k saved. very cool. that said am saving my money now and should be able to put away at least 8 grand by october. moving out will probably cost around 5 grand. i’m very ready to go.
trailer has a rat problem however, possibly because i’m no longer home to clean (i work 9 to 5), i’m exhausted when i get back, and my mother is a lazy retard who does cute things like leave out half-eaten yogurt cups and crumbs everywhere. her excuse is that she is tired as she takes me to and from work but it’s a 20 minute drive both ways if you avoid the highway, 10 minutes on, and there are eight hours in the day besides. going to buy glue traps and try to man up about the possibility of seeing one struggling.
No.293487
Is there an objective way to determine if i have truly entered an ascended state of mind or if im just delusional? Lately i feel too far beyond everything. I can still function but I'd say i feel very weak drive or reward from most things. I feel like socializing irl is mostly wasted and inefficient because of the way irl interactions are structured. Idk, how can i figure if I'm a actually becoming an ascended being? Maybe i should live as an ascetic for some time to see if i truly move beyond desire?
No.293488
>>293487If you can still question whether or not you're delusional, then you're not delusional.
>how can i figure if I'm a actually becoming an ascended being?Take a step back and think about if you feel more confident that life's easy path (non-social, self-fulfilling, simple) and its ultimate outcome (childless, independent, ungiving) is more appealing than the struggles and rewards of the "normal" social life. If you feel more content and can justify this newfound comfort to yourself, than your feelings aren't delusions. Now you may have gotten some predictions wrong and your current understanding of a solitary life may be skewed or outdated, but how you feel is true. Instead of trying to figure out if you're going mad, try to learn more about ascetic lifestyle.
No.293496
>>293494>>293488Thank you for the wisdom wizards
No.293518
I hated my betrayal. It drives me mad to think of the damage done. I'm wracked with insecurity and guilt of retardation. To think they'd alter me surgically and so drastically , producing an ongoing disability for her. I know I am retarded for her to have what she wants and survive. I became a victim. I feel sick all the time from the imposition. I hated this. I want to die from this. My dreams are dead and maggots feast on the remains of what I wanted with schadenfreude.
Prior to it - I floated on a cloud of esteem and wit. I was famed for being bright and a hypersomniac. I grew paranoid on weed highs and limerent for the belle. I had a wit like none other, to match I was an old school FPS contender. I thought I was worthy, but reality shafted and I would suffer panic attacks and get what I wanted never with ladies. I lived in and out of 5150 for my limerent object. Now I regret ever falling limerent like a fool. She thinks I'm gross, people begging me to settle on reginas but I can't, destructive need for proper spouse plagues my life and that dastardly emotion brought out the worst in my object. I fell from grace and attempted suicide for the lust contaminated my very being. I feel so hurt and am told I'm punished and she's just gone and better off. I'm not wanted. I'm only good to mock and bully. That's why I hurt. I feel such a magnetic attraction to such a beautiful person that eats me alive. I'll be drinking for the next forever that life didn't go my way then I guess. I hate you for strangling me with the shots until my IQ was too low to be loved, I feel like a failure so bad guys, I'm being euthanized with an bad feeling and everything…
No.293527
Why I can't get over this dumb fucking obsession I have on people who "rightfully" wronged me in the past for shit I brought upon myself? It's not like I was a poor helpless child. I can't let go of high school and childhood, they truly marked me. Trying to get accepted by normalfaggots was a mistake, I did things I never had an interest in, and at the end of the day they all did me wrong treating me like lower-class scum. I'm permanently thinking I have to kill them to correct my thoughts. I couldn't kill a fly though.
No.293528
If writing fanfiction, of all things, with the help of ai, is seriously that bad then fine.
With that said I also now fear I may get electrocuted, so I'm gonna go find an ice box…
No.293536
Brain: :DDDDDD
Me: ಠ_ಠ… No, I will not make a Beach Boy's style ai song called "Catching gnarly waves with Minnie Mouse (cause she's flatter than a surfboard)"
No.293556
I just wish I could draw and make music.
But I'm poor. I can't afford a drawing tablet or instruments, I can't even afford Windows.
It's going to take decades for my life to improve, if it ever improves, by then it will be too late. Whatever I want to draw will have already been drawn, there will be things like AI, drawing as a whole will change dramatically. I'm going to lose my place.
I wish I had gotten into math and cs when I was like 4 years old. I would have studied a lot, my whole school life while everyone else was watching TV series. I wish I had gone to the MIT, or whatever university where there are people working in theoretical computer science, it's my main interest in math and cs.
I wish I had lived my life. I wish I were free to choose. I didn't live my life. I feel something inside me, like a spirit, but terrible things keep happening to me and I can't make any progress. Something went very wrong in my life, it could have been different.
I wish so much I could have had a chance, I wish so much that I could reincarnate or go back in time to try again.
I can't express myself so I'll just stop typing. I'm very bad at words. Every time I try to make a post, there's only gibberish. I wish I could express myself but I give up.
No.293557
>>293556how old are you ? where do you live?
No.293558
>>293556> I can't afford a drawing tablet or instrumentsPencil and paper. Plastic recorder
>I can't even afford Windows.Pirate it.
Stop Googling "sad anime lain succubus wallpaper HD depressed aesthetic sui core" and start doing what it is you claim to wish to do.
No.293598
i know im probably never going to truly enjoy anything, or amount to anything. my time on this earth is all for nothing and i dont know how to fix my shitty life/brain or make anyone happy.
No.293599
>>293598i cant even pay attention to a piece of media to distract myself. everything feels like its on some sort of greyscale and i cant get myself to care about anything. i cant fix my life.
No.293600
Has anyone got relatively high serotonine >500 ng/mL and still feel like a wreck?
No.293616
>>293606Too late, you triggered reverse psychology. SPEAK.
No.293617
>>293600Never took serotonin, only melatonin, can't help you, sorry Anon.
No.293751
The copes aren't working anymore. Tonight I played tekken and just dropped my controller mid set. Why not?
Randomly it hits you how retarded and gay everything is and you just fold your hands and go, why bother?
"You gotta practice if you want to win". No, you don't get it. Why is everything a struggle?
Why do we need to TRY to be happy, when suffering is free? Why do I have to pay $40 just for a CHANCE to have fun?
I'm just calling it what it is: retarded. If this is what "adulthood" is, it's not worth living.
No.293781
I really do hate my mother. If she had me at some age where stupidity is expected, then I would feel pity and understanding, but she was well into her thirties. Yes, I'm back to complain more about her. But I'm suffering from her mistakes even at 25 because she was too useless and retarded to buy an actual house, even when it was extended to her. She didn't want to live next to her sister. I've gotten the hybrid-remote job I want but I can barely enjoy it because I'm stressed out over not being able to get a good enough internet connection TO WFH. I don't know if the IT guy wants to wrestle with this trailer to get it installed. I have no idea how it's even going to go as I've spent all my life using my phone hotspot.
I want to LEAVE this goddamn place but I can barely save money because she's a parasite. The only thing she does for me is take me to and from work. I've been told all over the place that I'm a spoiled brat for not seeing this as a supremely big deal but christ, I'm paying her bills? Fronting every cost (and then some?) why does nobody stop to consider that she's lucky?
I want to cut back on the money I'm giving her, but I can't risk being kicked out. If I tell her "No, fuck you, you treat me like a slave even though I'm the one supplementing your lifestyle, paying your gas, buying you food, etc. etc." she'll just boot me out. Then how do I get to work? I wish I wasn't a retard who couldn't drive but guess what, technically that's also her fault. Her sister offered to teach me when I was young but her sister was also an evil bitch and she didn't want her around her son. Now I'm 25 and it's pretty much too late. I don't have the time or money for a teacher.
I just feel stuck. I don't know what to do. I want out of this situation desperately.
No.293782
>>293781I mean it I was happier when I was in college and living in a shitbox in the city. Now it's, I'm getting the things I wanted, but I'm still in this goddamn trailer with this bitch. I don't use bitch lightly either, I hate that word. I think it's disgusting and cruel. But that's why I use it to describe her, nothing is more apt. She's such a nasty, vile, ill-spirited person. As if a 10 year old who likes pulling off butterfly wings is in the body of a succubus pushing 60. Her only merit is that she sometimes has these moments of clarity where she becomes the most even-tempered and reasonable succubus I've ever met, but those moments are coming less and less. I think if that succubus had been my mother instead of this alien, insectoid bitch I'd be a lot better off. And so would she. Fuck I'm tired of this
No.293783
I feel so disturbed by humanity.
It's probably my fault for letting myself get this sleep deprived.
Just so tremendously disturbing.
No.293786
My brain has accumulated so much dirt, errors, dysfunctionality, bad things. I just want to take it out and give it a good cleaning. It would be so nice to take my brain out and truly, truly relax.
There's just so much negativity. There's something wrong with my eyes, the world doesn't look real. I don't really feel lucid. I'm not fit to be in this world, it and its people are on a completely different wavelength than I am.
I'm at a point where it's hard, or even impossible for me to fantasize about things being 'good'. But I remember being able to do so. I hope I can go back to that at least.
No.294085
>make more than 50% of my state
>still can't afford to live alone because i'm a retard who can't drive and is heavily relying on carpooling with neighbors going the same way/parents
i'm seriously thinking about getting a part time job on the weekend, to cover transportation costs. if my job lets me work hybrid, and i only have to go in twice/three times a week, that's ~200 a month on uber. so i'd only need something that paid about ~300 a month (100 more just for a bit of cushion when and if prices spike during rush hour). maybe i should donate plasma? just really want to get out of my mom's house. so tired of being here
No.294086
>>294085of course this job would be within walking/commute distance, also. if the bus stop nearest to my job wasn't 30 minutes on foot away i'd be a happy camper but nope nope nope can't nothing be easy
No.294163
>>294162Nothign has changed other than your mindset.
I used to be like that but I learned to let shit go and I am back to enjoying things like a teenager again.
No.294249
im sad and i dont like anything and i dont know anything
No.294382
To think I'm no longer marked by a guro Manga where a gekiga parody of a beloved character vomits the partially digested cadaver of another beloved female character.
And all it took was 4 simple yet hypocritical words I thought haunted me enough last decade..=_=
No.294506
>>291261>got drunk yesterday >cut myself with a broken glass>again>this time tried to stab an arm arteryIt's stupid but this is my life now. Several months ago during the peak of my depression spiral I got drunk and stabbed my arm vein with a knife. Just to see if I can, not a serious attempt. The sight of my blood sprinkling felt like a relief. Since then I do it almost everytime I'm drunk. Even if I don't really plan beforehand.
I just want to never wake up again but this isn't the way. I get it. But I just love the feeling of bloodletting. Probably should stop drinking. This isn't gonna solve anything anymore, just create more problems.
No.294557
Why cant femmoids just return to crystal cafe where they can (and I kid you not) fantasize about removing male limbs all they want?
>Looks through wayback machine when searching for old comic from 2021.
>Sees graphic (albeit unsurprising) SJ raid.
Oh bother =______=
No.294577
Tooth decay really puts your life in perspective. Terry Davis was right about teeth, they're a reminder of your mortality, once they're gone they don't come back.
I also realize how fucking scary old age NEETdom will be without family around to help me. What will I do in my 50s if I'm an invalid living on disability and have actual problems? I understand now the deaths of despair.
No.294586
Im so fucking sick of how American society has to pander to utter fucking retards. Look out coffee is hot! Dont gorilla glue your hair! You have to spoonfeed these people on how to do anything remotely complicated and whats worse is these same morons fuck and have kids! I remember being in high school and some of my classmates couldnt even fucking read out loud without sounding like hooked on phonics. Technology and shit cant even progress forward because of how safe we have to make everything so some tardsauce doesnt fucking hurt themselves. Fucking dumbass marvel mcdonalds tiktok brains with smoke detector chirp.
No.295651
I really don't know what to do anymore. I feel so tired all the time, even without doing anything with my life. I spend the whole day looking at my cell phone, rotting in my room, with no expectations for the future. I've tried a lot to change. I tried to make friends and be a different person. I started seeing a new psychologist, and still things don't change, because I'm fucking stupid and all I do is lie. And and even though I’m paying to get better, I feel like such a huge piece of trash that I don't have the courage to talk about how miserable I am and how my mind is already rotten and yet I don't want to accept that I have no salvation. Sometimes I cry at night, knowing that I'm just a frustrated, selfish idiot who only wishes that things could go right for me, just once. Or that I could go back to the past and not have lived what I've lived, and consequently not have become who I am today. I wish I could wake up one day in my life feeling grateful to be here, but l only feel like a burden to my parents and the worst example of an older brother. I've thought countless times about ending all of this, ending my suffering, but I'm afraid to do it and even more afraid that no one would care if I actually did.