/dep/ - Depression

managed to get the rope around my neck twice this month, won't be long until I actually die I think

>>304963
IF you do thinks correctly. And that is a big if that has been stopping me thus far.

>>304951
Atleast you managed to complete something. I wanna sperg out & do gamedev but with my medical condition & the way my autism is I could only be motivated enough to do it if I had a special wizfren to do it together with. (I had this before but the guy left me over some bullshit), nobody else wants to do it with me. So now I am rotting all day wishing I could make something. If I could actually try and end up failing I could atleast feel good knowing that I tried. I hope you feel a little bit accomplished despite failing.

How can I stop myself from worishly seeking social validation? Not particulary from normalfags but from a few crabs online I've longed so much to gain their trust and fit in amongst them.

Sorry for this pathetic sobbing for help I just had to take it off my chest and I'm so lonely I never felt like I had belonged to something before.

New Year, checking in. 42 soon. God forgive me for all the pain i've caused and i forgive you(me) for all the misery you bestowed. How every facet, every design, made me into the wizard who despises reality. Scripted, enacted and closer to the end every year. (Happy) new year wizards, may your coming years be of peace and self love.

>>304974
Happy new year lad

*Sigh*

>>304974
I can't think of a better New Year's resolution than reading at least 50 pages of a book every day and maybe lose 15 lbs. What are you all planning? I wish I had some kind of grand ambition but I do not.

>>304981
WTF that's not what I meant to embed…

Happy new year, my brothers.

>>304981
In any case, I'm going to move. Hopefully it will be somewhere I can relax and
settle down a little. I think your resolution is worthy and ambitious enough.

Is there ever going to be more to life than video games and porn? I guess I'll never know.

>>304984
Since pornhub took down anon amateur videos, the entire porn industry became worthless piece of shit. Maybe there's still some fun left on paid sites, but I sure as hell am not paying a succubus.

Also jerking off only makes it worse. The more you jerk off the more you want to jerk off and it just never ends. Waking up in the morning with intense desire to rub is far worse than regular depression.

>>304985
>giving a shit about 3DPD porn and ugly disgusting meatbag roasties with stretchmarks and uneven tits.
for me its selfmade AI 2D succubi.
>Also jerking off only makes it worse.
I accepted this as part of life, its like eating or shitting or having to sleep. also not jerking off isnt really an option anyway, spending the whole day with blue balls is much worse than jerking off for an hour a day or so.

>>304986
>this nigger needs porn to jerk off
It is not needed. In fact, it makes things so much worse. I jerked off yesterday in the shower and I feel calm and yet pure. My dopamine is not fully burned out and I can do shit while also having no intrusive thoughts of sexual nature.

I live my life with the assumption that I will kill myself when the consequences of my actions catch up to me. But what if I don't have the guts to pull through when the time comes? It's a dangerous game to choose between a few extra years of life and having a backup plan if my suicide attempt fails. I've been trying to ease into the idea more and more so as to be prepared for when the time comes.

A few weeks of not talking to anyone and my psyche starts to break down, read only doesn't help. End up microdosing reply baits, then relapse, then repeat. I don't get it.

>>304987
>It is not needed
its more fun
>it makes things so much worse
how?
>in the shower
water is a bad lubricant
>and I can do shit while also having no intrusive thoughts of sexual nature
I just fap and then when I'm done I go do something else. have zero issues with my system.

>>304988
You can very easily kill yourself through alcoholism or drugs in old age in the space of 3-5 years.

>>304988
It's been now 2 months of procastinating for me, but I am confident I will do it soon
>>304989
Be happy, you still own your mind, I hear truly vile voices all day (not meant to invalidate or downplay your suffering)>>304989

>>304931
>>304929
I would have rather lived in colonial times and died at 40 having lived a life of purpose and meaning in a community than live to be 75 shitting myself watching family feud

>>304990
>how?
>its more fun

See you on /dep/

>>304994
>you still own your mind
Do I really? Not hearing voices is about as good as it gets for me.

>>304985
>Waking up in the morning with intense desire to rub is far worse than regular depression

No.

It makes my blood boil when I see addicts being interviewed all boohoo'ing and talking about how strong they are and stuff, then they start talking about the (from a wizards perspective) impossibly strong and wide support network they had before AND after the addiction. Like, dude, if I had a fraction of what you had I'd never have fallen that low, and I'd have left my present dire circumstances and prospects. But in reality, I have exactly nothing. Nothing to live for, and no one to uplift me in the meantime. I know they're generally considered "tame" compared to hard drugs but man nicotine and porn are life-destroying, as is alcohol and fast-food to a lesser extent.

Such is life, those who were born into abundance, it won't matter how hard they fuck up for there will always be someone to support them. For those born with nothing, or mentally ill parents which is functionally the same if not worse, no matter how hard they, WE, try, it will never get better.

It might just be my brain getting tunnel vision but man I feel there are so many parallels between "inherent" or birth-given social and financial capital. If you don't have them you simply Can. Not. Catch. Up. EVER

>>305007
Yes, faggot. When depressed I barely have enough strength to do one thing, and it's comfortable. I'm lethargic, sleepy, calm. But the other side of the spectrum, this hypomanic hell scape, is unbearable. Wanting to rub is only a part of it, but overall feeling this rotting energy overflowing inside of you is real time torture. Nothing beats the apathic depression.

>>305018
>impossibly strong and wide support network they had before AND after the addiction
This is one of the main reasons why I never dabbled in drugs/alcohol. When most people get into that stuff, they always have family and friends ready to pull them back from the brink. If I ever went down that road of addiction, however, I wouldn't have anyone or anything to really come back to, and I would continue on with the addiction until I ended up dead and forgotten in some ditch somewhere.

>there are so many parallels between "inherent" or birth-given social and financial capital. If you don't have them you simply Can. Not. Catch. Up. EVER
Agreed. Normalfags will never understand the difficulty that comes with facing life alone, and the professional/financial glass ceilings that inevitably come with being alienated in a highly-social civilization. Some days it really feels like playing life on nightmare mode.

>>305037
Whenever I have several days in a row where I don’t have to meet anyone I feel the best. I make walks read enjoy play a video game enjoy porn and generally am just feeling relieved and safe. Then I have to meet another person and my mood is suicidal in an instance.

The conversation vaguely reminds me of the r/cogsuckers, I browse it for some prime mybfisAI cringe, but what puts me off is how normies treat those people, in a typical reddit fashion.
They call AI users narcissistic, antisocial assholes for not wanting to put up with human BS and preferring AIs over meatbags.
It makes me wonder. Those people genuinely can't wrap their heads around the fact that some of us are shunned out of society for our differences, or that we are hermits who genuinely don't enjoy human company. It makes them seethe and they come up with all sorts of insults. Why? Because some wizardly apprentice doesn't want to have friends and prefers to chat with a robowaifu? And it makes him a bad person because… Why exactly?
I don't like AI all that much, but I feel like this AI companionship hate is just normies hating on outsider people yet again.

Watching birds pecking at food scraps half-covered in mud on the street, then
coming home and throwing out bread on the suspicion that it might be moldy, I
feel ashamed.

Seeing the trees always standing tall, whether in blistering heat or icy cold,
from the window of my room where I never let the conditions go beyond "a little
chilly," I feel ashamed.

Reading about the lives and scope of activity of the men of the past - labourers
working all day and all night and resting only an hour, scholars waking at three
in the morning and working until ten at night - while I shrink from the thought
of even an hour of sustained activity, and fade into fatigue and abstraction
when I take less than nine hours of sleep - I feel ashamed.

I am so weak, so delicate, and probably more frail than many succubi. My body is
ugly, my features are not defined, my health and nerves are fragile and most
crucially I lack character. I think at this stage the only thing to be done is
to toss myself in the deeps and see whether I "sink or swim."

>>305043
>Birds
If you were a bird you'd do the same.
>Trees
If you were a tree you'd be the same.
>Men of the past
If you were living in the same time under the same conditions born in the same family as them then you'd do the same.
>9 hours of sleep
Consider yourself lucky
>Ugly
Lookup the Wiz threads about this one
>Character
If you don't refer to the Schopenhauer concept then character is just a feminine invention to keep men in check and getting them to do whatever they want

>>305045
Many thanks for the reflections and outside perspective. Your main point seems
to be that everyone is a product of his circumstances, which I agree with. But I
don't see that it precludes me from bettering myself. I was thinking today about
the saying of Antisthenes that he would rather go mad than feel pleasure. I
suppose I latched onto that way of thinking as an ideal to get through hard
times, but when things settle down I feel somehow lost. Consistency is what I'm
lacking, and discipline. Lying about and relaxing simply doesn't do me good in
the long run - my body goes - my mind goes - and there's a price to pay sooner
or later. In fact, I think it does not even make me happy.

On the point of character, it seems you have got an advantage on me, because I
haven't read Schopenhauer. When I used the term, I understood it merely to mean
strength of spirit. I know a lot of people here like Schopenhauer, but I get the
feeling I'm on a different train. At any rate, I'll watch out for that concept
whenever I get around to reading him.

I wish I could just have a wizfren that wants to keep each other accountable on creative projects & motivate each other. But it is literally impossible to get. I feel like I'm the only NEET in the world that even has the desire to be productive

>be mentally ill and on welfare
>Go through hard financial patch due to tenants leaving for the Christmas holidays back to their home country
>Mess up my property tax payments
>mention it off-hand how giving your email to the local government allows them to kick you off the payment system faster, as they can send out notifications faster
>relative uses this as an opportunity to concern troll and sink the knife in about how I'm useless in front of everyone.
>it goes on for several minutes before I realize that she's just being sadistic, and I leave hurt

I'm a mentally ill shut in and this is like the one time I'm around people a week. I'm really upset now and I don't think I'll ever go see them again.

Had this bizarre dream last night of this demon-like creature, his body consisting of ribbons. Upon each ribbon were lies engraved, which it also speaks inside of people's heads. People hear the lies inside of their head, mistake them for their own thoughts, believe the lies to be true and base their behavior around them. Hence the creature is able to control large amounts of the worlds population. There was also a good creature called THE BRANDS OF LIES (because he can see they are lies) and he would give appropiate amounts of torture to anyone believing the lies to be true after they died.

>>305138
Man why don't I ever had cool dreams like this? I just dreamt today that I was bald to the middle of my head and also that I missed some important school test because I was too depressed to study and get up. It took me minutes of being half awake feeling really bad that I am a loser who is failing at his school before I remember I am a 27 years old NEET.

>>305139
Lmao. It's not all fun. I had a nightmare three following nights where a black female entity would destroy my dream and scream at me. 3 times. Never happened before. The nights before i uttered the L word which i won't do now because i don't wanna summon her again. And when i woke up i heard screaming in my ears full blast those three nights. Really really annoying.

>>305140
As in you still heard screaming even after you're awake?

>>305141
It stopped. If you are interested in meeting the sinister entities, just put a cross in your bedroom. They hate that shit. You will also experience negative happenings in your life. Maybe it's something demons do to stop them from being "exorcized" from you, their last stand, their last influence. I dunno, could all be nothing.

>>305141
At the moment of wakening i heard the full blast scream yes. Could still be part of the dream i guess

>>305139
yeah these kinds of dreams are cool but also very scary
the good creature would categorise the souls of the dead liars according to various "brands" of lies like
-pilpul or hairsplitting
-talmud: making up fake rules about reality
-intentionally mixing up time, place and person
-atheism, idolatry and fake religion
-bearing false witness
-scams
there were more categories or "brands". then they would receive different kinds of torture according to the severity of their lying like
-removal of limbs
-sensory deprivation
-being forced to watch the same marvel movie or play the same gameboy advance game on repeat for centuries
and so on

>>305155
>-being forced to watch the same marvel movie or play the same gameboy advance game on repeat for centuries
kek

>>305156
Well the gameboy scenario wouldn't be so bad for a person on the spectrum, they might choose this voluntary even.

I really don't have any other desire besides to not work. I am a freak.

>>305172
Yeah I wish I, if not loved it, at least was tolerant to work. Would make life a hell of a lot easier.

I've always hated reaching out to people about my issues. I don't completely understand myself and why I do things. Others will take advantage of this to try and indoctrinate me when I am vulnerable. For those who would truly sympathise with me, there is no point. I'm the only one that can fix myself, and will continue to rot away until I can figure out how to approach my problems.

Randomly felt the urge to look up my old high school friend's youtube account. The last uploads were from right around 16 years ago, right around the time we graduated. The videos were our shitty attempts at a cooperative "let's play". We had around 18 episodes before we stopped. I can't remember if we just got bored or if it's because after graduating we just lost touch and never talked to each other again.

In middle through high school he was my only friend. It's weird to hear his voice again on those old videos. Also weird to hear my own voice, because those videos were the only time in my entire life in which I was brave enough to use my voice on the internet. Before and after that I never used a mic for any reason, and have obviously never put pictures or videos of myself online.

I think we usually would do the recordings in-person at my PC, but I think we also did a few remotely while I screenshared with him through Skype or something. I remember one time we were at my house and we were going to record, but my brother came over to visit my mother, and I was too self-conscious to let us start until my brother left, and so I forced us to sit around quietly for two or three hours.

On one of my old USB drives from high school I actually still have a backup of the emulator, rom, and savefiles from when we were doing that LP. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I suddenly contacted him and, after reminiscing, brought up the silly idea of suddenly starting the LP back up again. Like, what if there was suddenly "PART19" uploaded 16 years later, and we'd just make some joke about coming back from a bathroom break and just resumed playing as if nothing happened.
But, even if I wanted to go through with that, I don't know how to contact him or anyone really, as I have no social media. I'm pretty sure, however, that he still lives in his home from our high school days, like I do. I'm pretty sure he's unemployed, like myself. I guess I could just drive 10 minutes to his house and knock, but I don't have the social guts to do something like that.

I guess I could write a letter. Imagine doing THAT!

Troonery has left such a deep wound on the nerd psyche that I don't think it will ever heal. So many things coincided for it to happen….what's opposite of serendipity?

>>305236
>So many things coincided for it to happen
Cohencided*. It was by design.

>>305236
Never trust a jew. Troonery is saint in comparison to the evils they are yet to unleash.

>>305236
>Troonery
Troonery is the logical endgame of female worship which permeates 95% of present-day media. There is no escaping it unless you're fine reading old books or listening obscure music genres. Everything else is either straight up gynocentric bullshit or social related crap, succubi dominate social games and society as a whole so of course they'd be at the spotlight of this. Introversion and spirituality are male dominated topics, but obviously they are greatly lacking these days. It cannot be any other way tho, I mean, in a ehhh I'm sorry for using this word because it often carries negative connotations but yeah, in a capitalistic society.