/dep/ - Depression

>>305717
I dunno, it's not like I am having second thoughts or something. I am not doing this impulsively, I remember holding on this tiny sliver of hope of my life getting better for a very long time, at a certain point my soul "breaking" and 100 percent wanting to die. I have since then only been feeling this very deep sadness and getting very comfy with the thought of dying. Maybe my problem is I have this unrealistic expectation of complete peace and tranquility while killing myself. I should stop being so soft and accept that if this isn't going to be pure horror at least some emotional distress and fear is unavoidable. I get this very disgusting "death-feeling" which I also felt when I almost died in the hospital a year ago, a sensation of time slowing down and a sense of gore. I see webms of soldiers in their last moments before getting killed by drones with this glassy look on their faces and I imagine they go through something similar. I know this site doesn't like young people but i'm 30 and I see all these zoomers on social media killing themselves like it is nothing and I must admire their lack of fear. It took me extreme suffering to really lose the desire to live and this little physical sensation I get before dying feels like just a final little technicality I have to take care of.

Stand guard at the door of your minds, wizbros. Stand guard.

>>305732
Yeah work hard, build a pension so you can finally start to enjoy life when you're old and half deaf and blind kek

Btw the government inflated your savings away like a helium balloon in the wind, good luck old timer lmao

Is homelessness hell on earth as it sounds?

>>305747
it prob is. imagine trying to sleep on a cold floor and people make fun of you>>305747

>>305748
is jail better?

>>305747
It's hell if you're sickly or mentally ill, which to be homeless long term you almost certainly are. Most homeless people die from exposure, drug overdose or alcoholism if they're doing it long term.

Being 17 and being kicked out of your parents home, and sleeping a few nights in the forest isn't so bad.

Today I feed myself out of rational obligation, a great machine of teeth and neck and stomach. A day here is like a prison cell; lined up into little rows they make weeks, all neatly stacked one atop the other. Each morning I enter into my new cell, which always looks very much like the old one, and I eat and read and exercise, and mutely listen to the shouts and laughter of the other inmates, and wait for my sentence to pass by. I had a dream of a huge dark cloud of birds blotting out a grey sky - crows and ravens and owls, close enough for me to see each one, all jet-black and barely moving their wings as they slowly glided upward.

I think it's a bad idea to say something out loud which you achieved which can be taken away from you because the moment you say it your risk losing it. Like saying you overcame an addiction, suddenly this leads or raises the riskto go back to this very addiction again. At least that's how it's to me. Getting this feeling of achievement and then stating the achievement seems to devaluate the achievement; or the happiness for achieving the goal then consequences in being incautious and falling back in to behaviour habits that negate the achieved behaviour change.

>>305766
it's not just you. and it's the other way around. if you speak of it it's because you're not sure and are trying to find some validation/support/opinion from without. if you don't speak about it it's because you're sure and have already processed it so there's no need for external help

So fucking tired of medication that only makes me more suicidal and no housing help surrounded by pshychopathic family homelessness or suicide is my only future fuck this shithole worse than a third world

every inch that brings me closer to the endgame makes me feel increasingly… transparent? not even empty, i'm sure as hell there's a lot of stuff going on in my head, it just doesn't matter anymore like it used to. it's like, things are still going, but they're invisible unless you pay attention.

I'll scream into this dammed void with you, wizbro.
If you feel like some forgotten cog in this godless machine, then I'm right by your side. If you think this cruelty strikes you alone, then you'll find a brother in me.

I won't let you face that darkness by yourself. I pray that you'll do the same for me.
Our bond is the sole light in this void. Help me keep it lit. Please?

wow wizbro. whoever you talked to you gave me a boner

aaa damn it this >>305789 is a reply to >>305780 if you can't tell

Woke up with bad brain fog this morning. I need to get back to lifting and taking better care of myself. Maybe I just woke up too early.

>>305780
thanks bro
I will be kms soon and I spent a lot of time on forums like sasu and here discussing with other people in similar situations and it made me feel slightly better.

no turnn off button is undeanible proof creator is a fucking piece of shit why do normies forces others who only get tortured by society, family and life to fucking exist FUCK YOU

The question is not how to live a good life but why you are here. I think the reason why modernity is broken is because it tries to chase the good life instead of questioning what your existence means and then act accordingly- including suicide, if that’s the honest answer you come up with.

I recently got surgery my room is falling apart so i cant stay there i had to sleep on ground feeling like shit i think this it is i cant even use pc to cope anymore my ocd is driving me insane and i need cane to walk as i keep twisting my feet and leg due to ocd and third world tier environment and only one hysterical family

>>305818
What surgery and how is your rook falling apart

>>304361
Entering that phase of life in which most of my acquaintances are graduating, moving forward, setting themselves straight while I'm sitting still within four walls *sigh* I just want to get the hell out of here, far from everyone around me.

>>305822
congrats on turning 18! or is it 20? 22 when do people even graduate?

>>305834
In STEM majors they typically graduate around age 23–24. That's where I was going.

>>305851
Regardless of the qualification going into lifelong debt is not smart

>>305852
>lifelong
Not really, though.

>>305854
Well, maybe you're just not very smart

>>305855
Enlighten me how studying STEM gets you in a lifelong debt?

>>305859
Finish school before thinking of going to university lol

>>305852
Third world shithole where collegue is not tariffed, I know the job market might be even crappier than the First World West but still, a diploma always come in handy.

>>305864
Might as well buy a fake like the indians then because that's what it's worth

>>305863
>>305865
are you the butthurt guy who studied chemistry

You guys are all bunch of faggots but I still am glad I found this site and met you people.

>>305892
i'm not a faggot. i'm actually a very cute person seeking some cute company but i do agree with you that's it's a rather hard thing to achieve.

unlike you though i'm not glad i met any of you people cuz you did nothing for me except help dig my grave

i guess being cute is something you have to deal with alone(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

>>305897
>i'm actually a very cute person
damn i feel like i've read/written this shit a long time ago already. hopefully i'm just hallucinating

>>305898
Déjà vu is associated with temporal lobe epilepsy.[17][18] This experience is a neurological anomaly related to epileptic electrical discharge in the brain…


Experiencing déjà vu has been correlated with higher socioeconomic status, better educational attainment, and lower ages.[12][13][9][10] People who travel often, frequently watch films, or frequently remember their dreams are also more likely to report experiencing déjà vu than others.[12][14][13]

Delved deep tonight and found myself really seeing no point to living.
Suicide becomes reasonable.
Everything is utterly shallow and meaningless.
No relationship holds any value.
Looks are 99% and the last 1% "personality" is just a bit of noise that isn't all that different person to person.
Personality is worthless, every person is essentially the same on the inside. Maybe 20 different personalities max per gender.

>>305921
So you see no point in living n account of the fact that you're too ugly to get sex for free?

>>305923
I don't even think relationships would do anything.
We're all ending up like South Korea.
Everyone is going to chase having the same face and body, endless plastic surgery.
And it's all going to be the same couple of dozen "personalities".
People aren't any more unique than animals.

This is why the elite is coping so hard with occultism.
It's all a cope for how meaningless everything is.

>>305924
It is meaningless, yes. But who cares if it's meaningless? A meaningless world means a care free world to me, be who you want to be, or don't, its meaningless right?

I have a Discord server with 5 other accounts. All 5 are me. I've been talking to myself across these accounts for about 10 years and now the server has a million messages. Discussing things that have never happened. Enjoying friendships with people that don't exist. Sometimes I get up and walk around the house "talking" to them and "going places" and it's always a genuine shock when I realize, oh, no. It's just me here. I'm so lonely.

I hate my job. Jobs are a blessing in this economy but most of my coworkers despise me. It's because I'm "too quiet". I've had several people tell me I'm the quietest person they've ever met – that's a common thing for me. But I don't want to talk because I don't do anything. What is there to talk about? And I don't do anything because I don't want to. I hate this city, this state. I realize I've desperately insulated myself against reality all this time… I do the bare minium to get through it unscathed. I try not to absorb any outside information. I've been telling myself, "I'll live my life when [x] happens!" But is [x] ever gonna happen?

I'm 27 soon. The economy gets worse and worse. I have about $19,000 saved but apparently that won't last me any time at all in a nicer city. I'm so autistic that I can barely pass phone screenings when I do get them. It all comes back to money. I feel guilty that I ONLY have 19k saved despite living at home still. I guess I do pay rent and help with bills and buy groceries but I feel there should be more money??

I'm picking up art again… Having wrist pains because I lack an "ergonomic" setup. I don't want to spend more money to buy that. God damn it I have to start considering student loans too. Not too in debt but there is DEBT.

All over the place but I just needed to be sad for a bit. I don't have anyone to talk to. Nobody gives a shit. Why should they? I swear I try. I got a degree that I thought was solid (CS), I'm trying to "upskill" and get a cert because my current job isn't teaching me anything (I've been here for 2 years at this point). It just feels like I have to be Superman to get anywhere and it's so frustrating

I don't see how people can believe in God anymore. I used to believe, but reality just keeps making that seem more and more unlikely. Or at least unlikely that there is a God and he is good. Maybe there really is a God after all and he is just the most maximally evil being in the universe.

>>305972
We are God looking at ourselves in a zillion ways. Raping children is one of them. Don't worry about God or purpose, it's all a joke.

>>305938
Your situation is not too bad. Life's a struggle and you seem to face adequate challenges for your age. That's just what it takes to grow up, it's a process, and we are never really done, just the problems we deal with change over time (or how we are affected by problems) and also how we evaluate our experience of reality and how we perceive the same phenomenons. No one tells you this when growing up, but this stuff never stops and I think it requires work and attention to come up with an idea. This point when you think that
>I'll live my life when [x] happens!" But is [x] ever gonna happen?
is never really going to happen so no need to wait for it. You are living your life right now. And I'll tell you, it's all right. It's fine being quiet and having no friends, it's all right not being settled. You have lots of time to find out what you want to do, don't pressure it, you can't enforce it anyway. Life is aimless, worry is a disease, you can't satisfy the people around you and you don't have to.

>>305974
>>305938
I can relate, I also have a discord that is just me, just 1 account though. but i talk and argue with myself. use it as a diary and biography. i use it less since AI got big. now i just mostly use it to dump links.

i had a NSFW board, and the most eery thing was when the title got changed to "You are Bad". And when I changed it back, it still reverted back. And it only went away after I deleted anything NSFW. It was like God or the Discord Admins were watching my private discord channel.

Also while there is only 1 account, sometimes if i type fast on another tab, it shows up as if someone else is responding which is also creepy.

>>305973
>be me
>a living neuroslop
<"we're all God"

Nice grandeur.

I had the most disgusting dream last night. There were a couple of human-like creatures living in some kind of cabin in a snowy place. They were getting really old like 60 and they were like "we never got married" and they married by eating candy as customary for their species, they then started hearing their son screaming from the closet as this species is only able to hear their children after they get married. They then remembered they locked him up there 40 years ago and forgot about him. the father heared it and started worrying others in the building might find out then instantly died and his powers were transfered to his son. This is how this species actually reproduces, now the son is able to bear children.

I'm too retarded to convey myself or communicate on even just imageboards. I have been trying to read and journal more to get better at conveying myself and communicating but I guess since I have been isolated for so long and have hardly any reason to say anything I've just gotten worse at it over time. I feel like I am some kind of subhuman retard whenever I see people just able to type what is on their mind and I can't express myself the way that they can. I feel like there are things I want to be able to express and externalize but I can't do it at all. I'm probably just too stupid.

I just realized that for terminally online 'normalfags', that is not true normalfags in the traditionals sense but normal in the cursed modernity sense, both American and non-American ones, that the Epstein shit is actually a big fucking deal. They call him the 'collective Jungian shadow' and some unintelligible blabbering about 'aura'. Is this really the algorithbrain endgame????

Sometimes I am glad that I am as socially isolated as I am. If joining retarded trends and sharing worldviews with these "people" is the price to pay to stop being lonely, I'd rather rot in sensory deprivation induced psychosis thank you very much

>>306015
>sensory deprivation induced psychosis thank you very much

Grab a XX century book m8