i feel fucking disgusting
i wish i could overdose on heroin and die, i wouldve mentioned overdosing on
dmt but your body does that anyways so it would be counterproductive
i want a release from all sociability, i know i thought about how i would miss
that, the tiny and unimportant details in the big picture im chasing, but i
honestly, really wouldnt, id miss it for the fomo factor, the factor of holding
out until something better comes along. im so tired of waiting for it, for
something good to finally happen to me, something purely, unabashedly,
selflessly good to happen, directed at me specifically. there is no use in
waiting. my vessel will not change. this soul will not change. my
environment will not change. nothing will change, and everything will stay
as bad as it always was. i cant force my way out. nothing will fix my
problems, not revenge, not rehabilitation, not discipline, not
communication, not redirection, not anything. nothing will fix my problems.
nothing will. not even i can. and if i cant, hell knows who the fuck can.
i cant wait to have to talk to another person and put up a front as if
everything is fine. i miss when i was 13 and could be as depressingly
monotone as i pleased. the same problems plagued me then, now its just
expected of me to deal with them on my own terms and not bother anyone with
them, directly or indirectly (though that was expected of me at 13 too
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