I don't wanna put this on /dep/ cause I know it'll only attract more people like me and that won't help anyone so I hope /lounge/ is ok.
How do you guys deal with the lack of purpose? I'm in grad school right now, it's only my first semester, and I feel like I'm about to drop out. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm far from home, I don't have any friends, I hate my lab work, and I just feel crushingly unmotivated. I want to go to a therapist to see if they can help, but what could they possibly do? They can't suddenly give my life meaning. The only thing they could really do is drug me up, which I guess might help with the complete lack of drive, but it won't fix the emptiness in my soul. And I feel pressured to find a decent job. I want to be able to move home and live comfortably by myself, but no one is hiring of course. I could go and live with my mother for a while until jobs come along but I feel like doing that will just throw me into worse misery. For the first time I am thinking of suicide not as an escape from my suffering but just as a way to end the uncertainty.
Death and the fleeting nature of life is something that everyone acknowledges, but it doesn't truly sink in most of the time. But it has sunken in hard for me, and now I just feel like everything I do is worthless, that I am worthless, and that there is no hope for happiness in my life. I don't want to live this way. I want to be happy. I want to feel secure. I watch nature videos and it relaxes me to see these animals that simply are. They don't question why, they don't feel rushed or that they are wasting time, they just continue being. I want to be able to feel that serenity. I want to come to terms with meaninglessness of it all but I can't. Reality sets in again, and I panic about money, about myself, about my parents, about disappointing others. I can't free myself from the mental grip that everyone seems to have on me.
I know there's a lot around here that feel the same way, and are probably worse off than I am, but I want to ask the people here who have managed to free themselves from the worrying and the fear. I don't want shit like turning to religion, or just consuming media forever. I just want to know,if you did get a nice job, or live by yourself, did it really make you happy? Did it take away the fear? Cause if so then there's at least a light at the end of the tunnel and happiness is achievable, but if not then I should just head to tPost too long. Click here to view the full text.